Going...
Where it says
keep off the grass
Isn't recommended
for the very old
But when you're young
and you're in love
The world is beautiful
And I'm not a bit afraid
of you catching cold
Running barefoot
through the park
Searching bareheaded
in the rain
For a midwinter daisy
Seems kind of crazy
to do
But come along,
my barefoot love
To the fields
that shine with spring
We just got married!
Though it's 10 below
Let me go knee-deep
in daisies with you
La la la...
They just got married.
La la la
la la la la
La la la la la la
la la la la la
La la la la
la la la la
La la la la la
La la la la
la la la la la la la
La la
la la
Whoa!
This is the Plaza Hotel,
please.
Plaza.
Corie, it's the Plaza.
Wait a minute.
I'm not finished.
Corie, the man
is waiting.
Give him a big tip.
Paul, tell me you're not sorry
we got married.
After 40 minutes?
Let's give it
a couple of hours first.
If the honeymoon
doesn't work out,
let's not get divorced.
Let's kill each other.
Let's have
a maid do it.
I hear the service
here's wonderful.
Uh...
Here's...
Thank you.
Come on.
Good afternoon.
Yes.
My hand.
I need my hand.
"Mr. Paul Bratter. "
Yes.
Is Mrs. Bratter
staying with you?
My mother?
Oh! Mrs. Bratter, yes.
Mr. And Mrs. Bratter.
How long will you
be staying with us, Mr. Bratter?
Six days.
And nights.
It's a pleasure
to have you at the Plaza.
Ha ha ha!
Come on.
Corie, let's stop.
This way, please.
Ex-excuse me.
Excuse us, please.
Mr. Adams, I hope you realize
I'm only 15 years old.
Thanks.
Thanks a lot.
They're so stuffy
around here.
Is this what life
is going to be like
for the next
50 years?
Is that all we're going
to be married, 50 years?
That's not very long.
Wait. Don't make
rash judgments.
I think I'm going
to be a lousy wife.
Don't be angry with me.
I love you very much,
and I'm very sexy.
Then let's go inside.
I'm paying $30 a day.
O.K., Paul,
let's start the marriage.
Good luck, Paul.
Good luck, Corie.
Forget it. They're
never coming out.
How long
has it been now?
Five days.
Whew! That must be
a hotel record.
For a political
convention.
A honeymoon record
is nine days.
Wait a minute, Paul!
Where are you going?
Work.
I have to go to work.
I don't do this
for a living, you know.
Can't you call in sick?
I am sick,
but I have to go.
Last night you promised
you'd never leave me.
It's just till 5:30.
If it's a good marriage,
it'll last until 5:30.
See ya.
Tonight, hey?
What was that?
A kiss?
Would you get inside?
It's a nice hotel.
Was that a kiss?
If that's what kisses
are going to be like,
don't bother coming back
at 5:30.
I can't kiss you
anymore.
My lips are numb.
Now will you please go inside.
If you don't give me
a real kiss,
I'm going to give you back
your pajamas.
Right now.
N...
W...
Wait!
Couldn't you
make it 4:30?
Ahem!
Oh!
Tonight.
At the new apartment.
It's 49 West 10th Street.
I love you!
Yeah. Uh.
Thank you, Mr. Dooley.
Next time
you're in New York,
just call me up.
Hello?
Bratter?
Up here, top floor!
Top floor.
Take your time!
Yeah.
Top floor.
It's always
the top floor.
Whatever happened
to elevators?
Let's see.
The bed is 6 feet long
and the room
is 51/2 feet
and I'm in big trouble.
Tele...
Hi. Teleph...
Telephone company.
The phone?
Yeah.
Oh, great!
Come on in.
That's... that's
quite a climb.
Yes. Five flights,
if you don't count the front stoop.
Yeah, I counted
the front stoop.
Uh, would you like
a glass of water?
Please.
I'd offer you soda
or a beer,
but we don't have
anything yet.
A glass
of water's fine.
Except we don't have
any glasses either.
Oh.
You could, uh...
put your head under
and just schlurp.
Oh, no, I don't have
enough breath to slurp.
Well...
Where would you
like the phone?
Gee, uh...
I don't know.
Any suggestions?
Well, it all depends
on what you're going
to do with the room.
You going to have
furniture in here?
Ha!
Sure.
Listen, you can give me
a long extension cord,
and I'll carry it around with me
the first few years.
Good. I'll use
the old connection.
Whew!
You're really going
to live up here, huh?
I mean every day.
Every day.
I hope that's the men
with the furniture.
I don't want to see this.
Hello, Bloomingdale's!
Lord & Taylor's.
Oh.
Up here, top floor!
Oh, my God.
It's probably another wedding gift
from my mother.
She sends wedding gifts
twice a day.
I hope it's
an electric heater.
Is it cold in here?
I can't grip the phone.
Maybe the steam is off.
Maybe that's it.
Just turn it on.
It'll come right up.
It is on.
It's just not
coming up.
Oh.
Your husband have
a lot of sweaters?
I prefer it this way.
It's a medical fact
that steam heat's bad for you.
Yeah? In February?
Just put them down
anywhere.
I know. I know.
Oh, I'm terribly sorry
about the stairs.
I think he wants you
to sign it.
Oh.
Oh, wait a minute.
There you are.
Are you going
to be all right?
That's a shame,
giving a job like that
to an old man.
He's probably
only 25.
They age fast
on this route.
O.K., lady,
you're in business.
My own phone.
Can I make
a call yet?
Your bill started
two minutes ago.
Who can I call?
Oh, by the way,
my name is Harry Pepper.
If you ever have
phone trouble,
do me a favor...
don't ask for Harry Pepper.
What's the matter,
bad news?
It's going to be cloudy tonight
with a light snow.
You'll be the first
in the city
to see it fall.
Hello, is Mr. Paul Bratter
there, please?
This is Mrs. Paul Bratter
calling.
This is terrific.
It works just great.
Just like
a real phone, huh?
Frank, is Paul there?
Hi, Corie.
He left
about 20 minutes ago.
Looked very tired.
Tell him to call me
when he gets in.
I've got great news.
No kidding, Frank.
What is it?
Frank, hang on.
That may be him now.
I didn't
want him to come
till after
the furniture arrived.
Paul?
Corie?
Where are you?
Paul?
Up here!
Paul, up here, top floor!
Oh, it's him!
How long did you say
you were married?
Six days.
He won't notice
the place is empty till June.
So long,
Grammercy 59971.
Have a nice marriage.
Thank you.
And may you soon
have many extensions.
He's on his way up.
Can you hang on
for five more flights?
Paul?
Hurry up, darling!
Now, don't
expect too much,
'cause the furniture
hasn't gotten here yet!
And the paint didn't
turn out exactly right,
but I think it's
going to be beautiful!
Paul?
Paul, are you all right?
I'm coming.
I'm coming.
What?
He's coming.
He's coming.
He's coming.
He's coming.
Hi, sweetheart!
Paul, darling!
Oh! Say something.
It's six flights.
Did you...
Did you know
it's six flights?
Well, it isn't.
It's only five.
What about
that big thing
hanging outside
the building?
That's not a flight.
It's a stoop.
It may look
like a stoop.
It climbs
like a flight.
Is that all
you have to say?
I didn't think
I'd get that much out.
Oh.
But it didn't...
It didn't seem
like six flights
when I first
saw the apartment.
Why... why is that?
You didn't see
this apartment.
Don't you remember?
The woman wasn't home.
You saw the apartment
on the third floor.
That's why.
You don't like it.
I do like it, dear.
I'm just waiting
for my eyes to clear.
I thought
you'd say wow!
I will.
I will.
I'm just...
You...
Wow.
It's going
to be beautiful!
I promise you!
Do you know what?
What?
I missed you.
Really?
In the middle of the
Monday morning conference
I began to...
Let's go back
to the Plaza.
We have an hour
till checkout.
We can't.
Why?
We stole a towel
and three ashtrays. We're hot.
You know, for a lawyer,
you're some good kisser.
Heh-eh!
What?
For a kisser,
I'm some good lawyer.
Something's happened.
Something's happened.
Tell me!
It's not positive.
The office will call
and let me know.
They called.
I mean I called.
When?
Now.
Where?
Over there.
Right now.
You didn't tell me.
I forgot.
You kissed me
and got me all crazy.
Frank. Yes, Frank.
Tell me...
That's very funny,
Frank.
For a lawyer
I'm some good kisser.
I'd love to listen,
but I've got work to do.
You, too.
You've a got
a court case tomorrow.
Frank, are you kidding?
Do you mean this?
The whole thing?
Birnbaum v. Gump.
Marshall just
dumped the case
in our eager, inexperienced
little hands.
This is our chance for the key
to the executive washroom.
Well, we're a cinch.
I'll go over the briefs
here tonight.
I'll meet you at the office at 8:00
in the morning.
Frank, think I have time
to grow a mustache?
Did you hear?
Did you hear?
It's my first case!
I'm going to be
a lawyer!
That's great, Paul.
You going to have
to work tonight?
I'm going to go
over the affidavits.
This furrier's suing
a woman for nonpayment.
I've got the furrier.
I have a black
lace nightgown.
He made four coats
for a Park Avenue woman.
She doesn't want them.
She's 4 foot 8. He'd have to sell them
to a rich midget.
I'll put on a record
and do an original
Cambodian fertility dance.
There's no
signed contract.
What's happening?
What is this?
What are you doing?
I'm trying to get you
all hot and bothered,
and you're summing up
for the jury.
The whole marriage
is over.
Corie,
honey, I'm sorry.
I'm excited,
that's all.
You want me to be
rich and famous, don't you?
During the day.
At night I want you
here and sexy.
I will, I prom...
Tomorrow night...
your night.
We'll do whatever
you like, O.K.?
Something wild,
crazy, and insane?
Fine.
Like what?
I'll come home early.
We'll wallpaper
each other.
Tonight, dear,
I've got to work.
Please, O.K.? O.K.?
O.K.
So where
do I sit?
The furniture will be here
in a minute.
It probably got stuck
in traffic.
What about tonight?
I've got court
in the morning.
Maybe we ought
to check into a hotel.
We just checked out
of a hotel.
I want to sleep
in my own apartment.
Where, dear, where?
There's only room
for one in the bathtub.
Where's the bathtub?
There's no bathtub.
There's a shower.
How am I going
to take a bath?
You'll take a shower.
I don't like showers.
I like baths.
How will I
take a bath?
Lie down and hang your feet
over the sink.
Ha ha ha!
You know
it's freezing in here.
Isn't there any heat?
Of course.
There's a radiator.
The radiator's the coolest thing
in the room.
Does the building
have a janitor?
Only Monday, Wednesday,
and Friday.
Paul, it's going to warm up
a lot when the furniture gets here.
What about tonight?
I've got court in the morning.
Stop saying it like you have a case
every morning.
This is your first one.
Well, how...
What are you doing?
Seeing if these windows
are closed.
Why is it windy
in here?
I don't feel a draft.
I said wind.
There's a brisk northeasterly wind
blowing in here.
Don't get sarcastic.
I'm not getting sarcastic.
I'm getting chapped lips.
How can there be wind...
Aha!
How's this
for an answer?
There's a hole
in the skylight.
Paul,
don't get excited.
We'll plug it up
for tonight.
How?
That's 20 feet high.
Fly over in a plane
and drop something in.
It's only one night.
It's not that cold.
You know what it's like
in February at 3 A.M.?
It's ice-cold freezing.
It's not going
to be freezing.
It's going to be cloudy
with a light snow...
What? What? What?
Light what?
Snow.
Snow?
It's going to snow
tonight?
Hmm?
In here?
They're wrong as often
as they're right.
I'm going to be shoveling snow
in my living room.
First of all,
it's just a little hole.
Secondly,
what do you want me to do?
Go to pieces...
like me.
It's natural.
Paul...
I have a better idea.
I'm going to keep you warm.
And there's no charge
for electricity.
All right.
I can't do this.
Do you think
Corie would be upset
if I just popped up
and said hello?
Upset with
her own mother?
Why? I do it
all the time.
They're still practically
on their honeymoon.
She's probably dying
for your advice.
Not Corie.
She gives her own advice.
All right,
let's go home.
I'll just be 10 minutes.
No longer. I'll be circling
the block.
I see I haven't got
much of a law career ahead of me.
Good.
I hope we starve.
I hope they find us dead
in each other's arms.
"Frozen skinny lovers
found on 10th Street. "
Then we are in love again?
Yes,
we're in love again.
It's the bed.
It's the bed.
Yes.
I hope it's the bed.
Bloomingdale's?
Surprise!
Oh, no.
Your mother?
I invited her
for Tuesday.
I can't entertain her.
I've got court in the morning.
She's going to think
we're Gypsies
living in an empty store.
Five minutes ago,
this place was paradise.
Suddenly,
it's Cannery Row.
She doesn't
understand, Paul.
She has a different
set of values.
She's practical,
not young like us.
I'm 26
and cold as hell.
Sorry.
What?
Promise me one thing.
Don't tell her
about the rent.
If she asks you,
tell her you're not sure.
I have to know
what my rent is.
I'm a college graduate.
Can't you lie for me?
You don't have
to tell her it's 125.
How much is it,
then?
75, all right?
$75.63 a month, including gas
and electricity.
Paul, will she
believe that?
Anybody
would believe that.
It's the 125
that's hard to swallow.
Yes? Hello.
Yes, it is.
You what?
Thank you very much
for calling.
Furniture's not coming
till tomorrow.
They're sending up
a mattress
and some blankets
for tonight.
Won't that be cozy?
It'll be all right.
Don't let her stay here too long
because I've got...
A case in court in the morning.
I know.
Hello, Mother.
Hello, Mom.
I can't breathe.
Take it easy,
Mother.
I can't catch my breath.
You should
have rested.
I did, but there were always
more stairs.
Paul, help her.
Watch this step.
More stairs?
Mother, would you like
a glass of water?
No, thank you, dear.
I can't swallow yet.
Oh, my.
It's not that high,
Mother.
It's not bad, really.
What is it,
nine flights?
It's five. We don't count
the front stoop.
If I had known the people
on the third floor,
I'd have gone
to visit them.
Oh, gee, Mother,
what a pleasant surprise.
I'm not staying.
Aunt Harriet's honking the horn for me
in 10 minutes.
Just one good look
around.
I'm not sure
I'm coming back.
You can't
tell anything yet.
I wish you'd arrived
after the furniture had come.
I have a marvelous
imagination.
Hmm.
Well?
Corie, baby,
it's beautiful.
You hate it.
No, no, I love it.
It's a charming apartment.
I love it.
I knew you wouldn't
like it.
I love it.
Paul,
didn't I say that?
She said
she loved it.
I knew
I said it.
Are you absolutely
crazy in love with it?
Yes. It's very cute.
There's so much
you can do with it.
I told you
she'd hate it.
Corie, you don't give
a person a chance.
Let me see
the whole apartment.
This is it.
It's a nice large room.
There's a bedroom.
One flight up.
It's just two steps.
See, 1, 2... 3.
Oh, split level.
Where's the bedroom?
Through here?
No, in here.
This is the bedroom.
It's really
just a dressing room,
but I'm going to use it
as a bedroom.
You can just
put a bed in here.
That's right.
How?
It'll fit.
I measured the room.
A double bed?
No, a large single.
Very nice.
Where will
Paul sleep?
With me.
Large single?
But you won't be able
to get to the closet.
Yes, you will.
Without climbing
over the bed?
You have to climb
over the bed.
That's a good idea.
You can just hang your clothes
from the pipe.
That's right.
Everything
is just temporary.
What do they say
in Harper's Bazaar?
It won't take shape
until the bride's own
personality becomes clearly defined.
I think it's you
right now.
What's in here?
Oh... the bathroom.
No bathtub.
This is the kitchen.
It's very cozy.
It's chilly in here.
You feel a draft?
Stand over here.
It's warmer.
What you need
is a drink.
Would you run down
and get some Scotch?
You have
lots of wall space.
What color are you
going to paint it?
It's painted.
Very attractive.
I've got to go.
No, Mother. Not till you
have a drink.
Aren't you going
to get the Scotch?
I'll stay for
just one drink.
Button up. It's cold.
I've noticed.
Get some cheese.
Paul!
I just want to give
my fella a kiss
and wish him luck.
Your new home
is beautiful.
It's a perfect
little apartment.
And you do like it?
Where else can you get
anything like this
for 75.63 a month?
Are you sure,
Paul?
Six flights
of stairs again.
It's the only way
to travel.
Well...
Corie, baby,
I'm so excited for you.
Mother,
it's not exactly
what you pictured,
is it?
Well, it's unusual...
like you.
I remember when you were
a little girl.
You said you wanted
to live on the moon.
I thought
you were joking.
Well, drunk again, huh?
O.K., I'll take care
of him.
I know what let's do.
Let's open my presents
and see what you sent me.
Hey, what's in here?
That sounds expensive.
Now I think
it's a broken clock.
Aunt Harriet
helped me pick it out.
She thinks I should move
into New York City now.
That's an idea.
"Why, Harriet? Just because
I'm alone?" I said.
"I'm not afraid
to live alone.
In some ways, it's better
to live alone,"
I said.
Does this pot
come with directions?
If I had known
about this kitchen,
it would have come
with hot coffee.
Mother,
I love everything.
You've got to stop
sending me presents.
You should start
spending your money on yourself.
Myself?
What does a woman like me need
living all alone
way out
in New Jersey?
You could travel.
Travel.
Alone? At my age?
I read a story
in the Times.
Middle-aged woman
traveling alone
fell off the deck
of a ship.
They never discovered it
till they got to France.
Mother...
If you ever fell off
the deck of a ship,
somebody would know
about it.
Know what I think
you really need?
I don't want to hear it.
You're afraid
to hear the truth.
It's not the truth
I'm afraid to hear.
It's the word
you're going to use.
Love. Last week I didn't know
what it meant.
Then I checked in
to the Plaza Hotel.
Know what happened there?
I promised myself
I wouldn't ask.
I fell in love.
Spiritual, physical,
and emotional love.
No one should be
without it.
I have you.
I'm not talking
about that kind...
I know what you're
talking about.
You don't want
to discuss it?
Not with you
present.
That must be
Aunt Harriet.
I've got to go.
Some visit.
Just a sneak preview.
I'll see you Tuesday
for the world premiere.
You shouldn't have run
just for me.
Goodbye, love.
I love
your new apartment.
I'll see you both
on Tuesday.
Geronimo.
Paul, what's the matter?
I just had
an interesting talk
with the man
in the liquor store.
We have some of the greatest weirdos
in the country
living
in this building.
Like who?
In Apartment 1C
are the Boscos,
Mr. And Mrs.
J. Bosco.
Who are they?
A lovely young couple
of the same sex.
No one knows
which one that is.
In 3C are
Mr. And Mrs. Gonzales...
Mr. And Mrs. Armandariz,
and Mr. Calhoun,
who must be
the umpire.
Guess who lives in 4D.
I don't know.
Nobody else does either.
Nobody's been seen
in three years,
except every morning
there are nine empty tuna cans
outside the door.
Sounds like a big cat
with a can opener.
Victor Velasco
lives in 6A, the attic.
He's 58. He skis,
he climbs mountains,
he's been married
four times.
He's known as the Bluebeard
of 10th Street.
What does that mean?
Either he attacks girls
or he's got a blue beard.
Where are you going?
To stand in the bedroom
and work.
If the bed or the heat
comes up, let me know.
Paul...
Hmm?
Are you asleep?
Just my hands
and my feet.
Know what the trouble is?
We're wearing
too much clothing.
Know how the Eskimos
keep warm?
They check into a motel.
Paul, do you hate me?
Yes.
Say it.
I hate you.
I hate you.
There's somebody
at the door.
If it's the Red Cross,
let them in.
Aren't you
going to answer it?
You found the apartment.
You answer it.
Paul.
Who are you?
Who are you?
I live here.
So do I.
How delightful.
I hope I didn't
disturb you.
My name is Velasco,
Victor Velasco.
The Bluebeard...
from the attic?
I was wondering
if I could use your bedroom.
The bedroom? No.
I can't get
into my apartment.
I wanted to crawl out your window
along the ledge.
Did you
lose your key?
I have my key, but it no longer
fits the lock.
The penalty of being
four months behind on the rent.
So, you say
you live here?
Just moved in today.
Really? And what are you,
a folk singer?
No, a wife.
You know, of course,
you're very pretty.
All indications point
to my falling in love with you.
I see our ratfink landlord has left
a hole in the skylight.
He's going to fix it,
won't he?
I wouldn't
count on it.
My bathtub has been leaking
since 1949.
Tell me... does your husband, uh,
work during the day?
Yes.
In an office?
Yes.
Good. I work at home
during the day.
I predict interesting
complications.
Am I making you
nervous?
Very nervous.
Ha! Wonderful.
Once a month
I try to make
pretty young girls nervous
just to keep my ego
from going out.
I'll save you
a lot of anguish.
I'm 6...
I'm 58 years old
and a thoroughly
nice fellow.
Well, I'm glad
to hear that.
I wish I were
10 years older.
Older?
Dirty old men seem to get away
with a lot more.
I'm still
at the awkward age.
When do I get
invited down for dinner?
Dinner? We'd love to have you
for dinner
as soon as we
get set up.
With newlyweds,
I could starve to death.
Shall we say
next Tuesday night?
Tuesday night?
No, my mother's...
Tuesday night's
fine.
It's a date.
I'll bring the wine.
You can pay me
when I get here.
You're invited to my cocktail party
tomorrow night, 10:00.
You do drink, don't you?
Yes, of course.
Good. Bring liquor.
Until tomorrow.
If we don't
freeze first.
You don't know
about the plumbing, do you?
Everything in this museum
works backwards.
For example, on the steam,
it says turn right,
so you turn left.
Except I can't reach it.
Will you help me up,
please?
With the greatest
of physical pleasure.
1, 2, 3, up.
Corie, was there anyone...
We were just warming up
the apartment.
Uh, Paul...
Whoo!
This is Mr. Velasco
from upstairs.
He was just telling me
that all our plumbing
works backwards.
That's right.
An important thing
to remember is
you have to flush up.
Until tomorrow night.
What's tomorrow night?
Where's he going?
Don't forget Tuesday.
What's he doing
in the bedroom?
That nut went out
the window.
Hello.
Hello, Mother?
It's me.
Did you hear
what I said?
Nothing's wrong.
I just want to confirm
our Tuesday night dinner date.
At 2:00
in the morning?
I want to be sure
you'll come.
At 2:00
in the morning?
And, Mother, wear something
gay and frivolous.
Buy a new dress.
At 2:00
in the morning?
I'll call you
tomorrow. Bye.
Who you waving at?
Him.
I decided to meet you here
every day.
It takes you so long
to climb the stairs,
and I can't wait for you.
The bus driver will think
you're my mother.
Have you
an Aunt Fern?
She sent us
a check today.
Boy, do you have
a cheap Aunt Fern.
I'll write
and tell her.
Your mother called
from Philly.
She and your father
are coming up,
and your sister has
a new boyfriend from Rutgers.
He has acne, and
they all hate him,
including
your sister.
Did you miss me
today?
No.
Why not?
You called eight times.
I don't talk to you
that much when I'm home.
Grouch. How'd it go
in court today?
Gump or Birnbaum?
Birnbaum.
You won? Oh, Paul!
Oh, I'm so proud.
Aren't you happy?
We were awarded
6 cents.
You have to be
awarded something,
so the court made it
6 cents.
How much do you get?
Birnbaum gets
the whole 6 cents.
From here on in,
I get the cases that come in
for a dime or under.
Grouch,
grouch, grouch.
You weren't that grouchy
under the covers.
Do you have to carry on a personal
conversation with me on the stairs?
What's wrong with it?
Everybody knows
the intimate details of your life.
I ring the bell, and suddenly
we're on the air.
I better make you
a drink.
You're supposed to be
charming tonight.
This little dinner
you have planned for tonight
has got fiasco
written all over it.
Maybe they have
a lot in common.
Are you kidding?
Your mother?
That quiet, dainty
little woman from New Jersey
and the Count
of Monte Cristo?
You must be kidding.
Why?
You've seen
his apartment.
He wears Japanese kimonos
and sleeps on rugs.
Your mother wears a hair net
and sleeps on a board.
Boof.
Maybe we could help her.
We don't have
to introduce her
as my dull, 52-year-old,
housewife mother.
That wasn't the exact wording
I had planned.
What did you have
in mind?
Something more glamorous.
Former actress.
You know, of course,
that she was in
The Man
Who Came To Dinner.
Your mother? Where?
The East Orange Women's Club?
On Broadway. She was in
the original company
of Strange Interlude,
and she had
a small singing part
in Knickerbocker Holiday.
Are you serious?
Cross my heart.
Your mother an actress?
Yeah.
You never told me this.
Why didn't you
ever tell me?
I didn't think
you'd be interested.
That's fascinating.
I can't get over that.
See?
Now you're interested.
It's a lie.
Every bit of it.
I'm going to control
myself.
Hello, Mom.
Are you
all right?
Paul...
Yes, Mom.
In my handbag...
are some pink pills.
Pink pills? Right.
I'll be all right.
I'm a little out of breath.
I'll get you
something to drink.
I had to park
three blocks away.
It started to rain, so I ran
the last two blocks.
Then my heel got caught in
the subway grating.
When I pulled my foot out,
I stepped in a puddle.
Then a cab went by and
splashed my stockings.
If the hardware
store downstairs was open,
I was going to buy a knife
and kill myself.
Drink this.
Here's your pill,
Mom.
A martini
to wash down a pill.
It'll make you
feel better.
A martini I had at
home made me sick.
That's what
the pill's for.
Let me help you
inside.
You need food. I'll get you
an hors d'oeuvre.
No, thanks.
It's just sour cream
and blue cheese.
I wish you hadn't
said that.
Like to lie down?
No, thanks, dear.
I can't lie down without my board.
Right now, all I want to do is
see the apartment.
Well, then...
help you up.
Up.
Corie.
Corie!
Do you like it?
Like it?
Tsk.
It's magnificent.
Oh...
Oh. And you did it all
by yourself.
Mr. Velasco gave me
some ideas.
- Who?
- Our decorator.
He comes in through the window
once a week.
Oh, the man
that lives upstairs.
Oh, you've heard
about him, eh?
Yes. Corie had me on the phone for
two hours yesterday.
Did you know he's been married
four times?
Yes. If I were you,
I'd sleep with a gun.
Mother...
See, we did
get the bed in.
Yes. Just fits,
doesn't it?
Just. We have to
turn in unison.
Well, I must admit,
I never expected
anything like this.
Can't wait to see
the expression
on your parents'
faces tonight, Paul.
I beg your...
my what?
Your mother
and father.
We're dining
with them tonight.
Isn't that what
you said, Corie?
Is that what
you told her?
If I said you had a blind date
with Mr. Velasco,
I couldn't have blasted you
out of the house.
Blind date
with Mr. Velas...
The man that
lives upst...
Good God.
What's all the panic,
Mother?
He's just a man.
My accountant
is just a man.
You make him sound like
Douglas Fairbanks.
He looks nothing
like Douglas Fairbanks, does he, Paul?
No. He just
jumps like him.
Come on. You're going to have
a marvelous evening.
Come on where?
To Mr. Velasco's
for cocktails.
I'm not even dressed.
You look fine.
For Paul's parents
I just wanted to look clean.
He'll think
I'm a nurse.
He'll think you're very
interesting.
How's my hair?
Fine. Push it up
a bit in back.
Paul, is something
wrong with my hair?
Mother, just try to go along
with everything.
What do you mean?
Where are we going?
Be one
of the fellows.
One of what fellows?
Should I go first?
Go where?
Up there. That's where
the birdman lives.
Good Lord.
Oh...
Go on, Paul.
It's all right, Mother.
I'll be right
behind you.
Oh!
Mother, are you
all right?
Oh, my! You should've
told me about this.
I'd have gone
into training.
I've got you.
Paul, pull her up.
Give me your hand.
You're pulling
my arm!
Stop pulling
her arm!
I'm not pulling.
I'm helping.
Ohh!
Thank you.
Oh! Isn't this wild?
What do you think, Mother?
I've broken
some straps.
Hello?
Ah, my guests.
Paul...
I beg
your pardon?
I was just saying
hello in Burmese.
Corie,
ra-vi-shing!
What does that mean?
Ravishing.
That's English.
Ha ha ha ha!
Paul, would you do
the honors?
I don't believe you've met Corie's
mother... Mrs. Banks.
Mom, our new neighbor...
Mr. Velasco.
How do you do?
Mrs. Banks, I've been
looking forward so to meeting you.
I invited your daughter
to my cocktail party,
and she spent the entire evening
talking of you.
That must've been
a dull party.
Not at all.
I meant talking about me
must've been dull, not the party.
Ha ha. I understand.
Thank you.
Won't you sit down?
Whishhh!
Aren't these
marvelous?
Yes, they're
marvelous.
And now...
Knichi!
Knichi?
It's an
hors d'oeuvre, Mother.
Mr. Velasco
makes them himself.
He's a... a
famous gourmet.
Gourmet.
Imagine.
Didn't you once cook for the
king of Sweden?
Well, we belong to the same
gourmet society.
150 charter
members,
including the king,
Prince Philip,
Fidel Castro.
Fidel Castro,
too.
Yes. We meet once
every five years
for a dinner
we cook ourselves.
In 1987, they're
supposed to come to my house.
We have another
30 seconds.
Till what?
Until they're
edible.
The last 15 seconds,
we just let them
sit there and breathe.
Oh, Paul,
aren't they gorgeous?
Yeah.
When you eat knichi,
you take a bite
into history.
Knichi is over
2,000 years old.
Not this particular batch,
of course. Ha ha.
Ha ha ha ha...
Ha ha ha.
Would you be betraying the society
by telling us what's in them?
Well, if caught,
your taste buds
are ostracized for two years.
But since I'm
among friends...
It's bits
of salted fish,
grated olives,
spices,
and onion batter.
Ready?
5...
4...
3...
2...
1... 0. Mrs. Banks.
Oh. Thank you.
What's the fish?
Eel.
Eel?
Eel.
That's why the time element
is so essential.
Eel spoils quickly.
Mrs. Banks,
you're not eating.
I had a martini
and a pink pill, and I think...
Oh, please, please.
The temperature of the knichi
is very important.
You must eat it now.
In five minutes,
we throw it away.
Wouldn't want you
to do that.
Uh, no, no.
Pop it.
I beg
your pardon?
If you nibble,
knichi tastes bitter.
You must, uh, pop it.
Look.
See?
Oh, yes.
Ha ha ha ha.
Here.
Oh. Thank you.
Are you O.K.?
I think I popped it
back too far.
Was that water?
No. Vodka. I use it
in the knichi.
Oh, my stomach.
Of course, the trick
is to pop it
right through the center
of the tongue.
Then it gets the benefit
of the entire palate. Corie.
Well... here goes.
How about that?
Perfect! You are the prettiest epicurean
I've ever seen.
Paul.
No. No, thank you.
L... I have a bad arm.
You can try. Paul,
you have to try everything.
Right, Mr. Velasco?
Well, as the French say,
at least once.
Ah.
Bitter.
Right?
You know why,
don't you?
I nibbled,
I didn't pop.
Yeah. Have another.
Try to pop...
I don't care
to pop another one. Besides,
we're over
the five-minute limit.
Are we ready to go out
to dinner?
I thought we were having dinner
at your flat.
No. Our stove
caught fire.
Goodness.
What happened?
Nothing. We just
turned it on.
If you're looking
for the unusual,
I have
a suggestion.
That's what
we want...
The unusual,
right, Mother?
Oh, you know me...
one of the fellows.
Then we're off
to The Four Winds.
The Chinese restaurant,
53rd Street?
No, the Albanian restaurant
on Staten Island.
We'll take
the ferry.
Ferry...
in February.
I love it already!
Come on, Mother.
Paul, help her.
It won't let go
of me. Ha ha! Oh...
Now, don't expect anything
lavish in the way of decor.
Actually,
I'm not even sure
that they have
a restaurant license.
Mr. Velasco,
don't you wear a coat?
Well, it's
only 30 degrees.
For me,
it's springtime.
Ready? My group,
stay close to me.
If anyone gets lost,
we'll meet
at the United States Embassy.
Where were you?
Getting my gloves.
What do you need gloves for?
It's only 30 degrees.
Oh. Sorry, I forgot.
We're having
a heat wave.
Do you have a dime?
Yeah.
Would you look
at her?
Look at her.
She's freezing to death,
but she wouldn't admit that.
I'll admit it.
I'm freezing to death.
Ah! Ha ha ha!
Ha ha ha!
Ha ha ha! Hi!
Hello!
Ha ha ha!
Voila!
Come on, Mother.
Uh, listen, are you sure we're
in the right place?
Well... inhale.
This way.
Heavenly!
Em Shash Kepop...
The Four Winds.
I bid you now enter
a gastronomical
paradise.
Kishama!
Velasco!
Ha ha!
Ha ha!
Ha ha!
Mmm!
You taste
delicious!
You think so?
I put myself on the menu.
How many people
you got?
Four. All cold, all tired,
and all starving.
Good. First you drink,
then you eat,
then you go
up to my bed
and take
a little sleep, huh?
Get up! Huh!
Aha! Ouzo!
My beautiful,
beloved ouzo.
Paul,
do you drink?
Yes, thank you. Ouzo, I'd like
a Scotch, please.
No, no. Uh,
this is ouzo.
She is Mushka.
Paul, didn't you
know this was ouzo?
No.
Is the glass
dirty?
What color
is ouzo?
White.
It's dirty.
To the beginning
of new friendships.
Viznetz korvorsh
keyem buzu!
What does
that mean?
I don't know.
I just made it up. Cheers!
Cheers!
Oh!
Whoo!
Wow!
Ha ha ha!
Whoo!
Here's to your
health, Mom.
Thank you.
To my health.
Have another one,
quickly.
No, thank you,
really.
Please. One
can make you sick.
Two starts you
on the road to recovery.
Pelmenchki!
I don't
believe it!
Taste it.
You still won't believe it.
Pelmenchki!
For us!
He only makes it
twice a year.
If you like it,
I make you more next July.
Ha ha.
To pelmenchki.
Pour it in right away.
Otherwise, it goes sour.
Hey, it's Mushka.
Shama shama
El mal kema ma
Tsurni
Tsurni
oh chi jadam
Shama shama
El mal
kema ma...
Hey, I like that.
What are they playing?
It's an old
Albanian folk song.
What does
shama shama mean?
Uh, Jimmy crack corn,
and I don't care.
No kidding.
Ha ha! Ha ha!
Ha ha!
Ha ha! Ha ha!
Ha ha!
La la la la
la la-la-la la
La la
la-la la-la
La la la la
la la-la la la
La la la-la
la la la la
La la la la
la la-la la la
La la
la la la la la
La la la la
la la-la la la
La la
la la la la la
La la la
La
La la
La la la
la la la la
La la la la
la la-la la la
La la
la la la la la
La la la la
la la-la la la
La la
la la la la la
Hey
Hey hey
Hey hey
Hey!
Hot shama
El kema ma
Hey! Wait!
I'll race you
up the stairs!
No! No! No!
Oh, you!
Oh!
Ha ha ha ha!
Oh!
Ha ha!
No, you don't!
No! No!
Aah! Aah!
Ha ha!
Whoo!
Ohhh, no.
I won!
I won. Ha ha
ha ha ha!
That was not a fair race.
You tickled me.
Hey, how do you
say it again?
Say what?
Waiter, there's
a fly in my soup.
Oh. Poopla,
sirca al mercoori.
Sirca, poopla
al mercoori.
No, no.
No?
That's, "fly,
you have a waiter in my soup. "
I did. He put his hand in
to take out the fly.
Ha ha ha!
Ooh! How's my head
going to feel tomorrow?
Wonderful!
No headache?
No, but
you won't be able
to make a fist
for three days.
Hey!
Look at that!
Coffee. We promised
to make coffee.
Oh! And a promise
is a promise!
I forgot the stove
doesn't work.
Hey, upstairs,
everybody, for coffee.
Don't you two
want coffee?
Oh, they'll drink it
if we make it.
Don't you two go away.
Shama shama el mal kema ma.
I feel like
we've died...
and gone to heaven...
only we had
to climb up.
Struck down
in the prime of life.
It isn't exactly
that I feel sick, just...
kind of numb...
and I can't
make a fist.
Mom, you want to hear
something frightening?
My teeth feel soft.
Huh. It's funny.
The best thing we had all night
was the knichi.
Ohh... anyway, Corie
had a good time.
She seems to get
such a terrific kick out of living.
You've got to admire that,
don't you, Paul?
Yes, yes.
I admire anybody
who has three portions
of pelenchki.
I tried, Paul.
I just couldn't seem
to work up an appetite
the way they did.
No, you mustn't blame
yourself, Mom.
We're not used
to that kind of food, that's all.
You don't...
pick up a fork
and dig
into a black salad.
You got to play
with it.
I don't think I could get through
coffee tonight.
I'm all out
of pink pills.
Where you going?
Home. I'd like to die
in my own bed.
What will I
tell them?
Make up some
clever little lie.
Tell Corie I'm not
really her mother.
We've decided to have
flaming brandy.
I'm afraid you must
excuse me, darling,
but it is
a little late.
You can't go.
It's early.
I know, but I have a 10:00
dentist appointment at 9:00,
and it's been
a very long evening,
and I don't know
what I'm saying.
You can't do that.
Darling.
Good night, Paul.
Good night,
Mr. Velasco.
Good night,
Paul.
Good night.
Good night,
Corie.
You're not
going, too?
Certainly. I'm driving
Mrs. Banks home.
Oh, no. I mean,
it's too late.
For what?
The buses stop at 2:00.
How would you get home?
Why worry about that?
I'll meet that problem in New Jersey.
Really, Mr. Velasco,
it's very sweet...
Victor.
What?
If we're spending
the rest of the evening together,
it must be Victor. And I insist
the arrangement be reciprocal.
What is it?
What
is what?
Your name,
Mother.
It's Ethel.
Oh, yes. Ethel, that's right.
My name is Ethel.
That's better.
Are you ready... Ethel?
If you insist...
Walter.
Victor. It's Victor.
Yes, Victor.
Good night, Paul.
Shama shama, Corie.
Shama shama.
If you don't hear
from us in a week,
we'll be at the Nacional Hotel
in Mexico City...
Room 703.
Come on, Ethel.
What did he mean
by that?
Stop worrying, Mother.
Call me in the morning.
Oh...
How about that?
He likes her!
He likes my mother!
He'll probably
have to sleep over.
Paul, do you
suppose that...
Not my mother.
Boy, what a night!
I got an idea. Let's take the bottle
of Scotch downstairs
and ring all the bells
and yell "police. "
Huh? Just to see who comes out
of whose apartment?
What's the matter, darling?
Don't you feel well?
What a rotten
thing to do,
dragging your mother out like that
into the middle of the harbor
for a bowl
of sheep dip.
It was Greek bean soup.
And at least
she tasted it.
She didn't jab at it
with her knife
throwing cute
little epigrams like,
"Ho, ho, ho. I think
there's somebody in there. "
That's, um... quite
a match you made.
I can just hear the conversation.
Sparkling dialogue.
He's telling her about some great
Japanese restaurant
in East Berlin,
and she's describing
the joys of having
a root canal job.
Give me your
hand, Ethel.
My what?
Your hand. There is ice
on the stoop.
Don't worry about me.
I can manage.
Ohhh!
Ethel.
Are you all right?
Uhhh...
Ohhh...
Well.
I just can't
understand
how you can be so unconcerned
about all this.
- Unconcerned?
- I really...
Do you think
I'll get one wink of sleep
until that phone
rings tomorrow?
I'm scared to death
for my mother.
And I'm grateful there's finally
something to be scared about.
What I'm really
concerned about is you.
Me?
Me?
Yeah. I'm beginning
to wonder
if you're capable
of having a good time.
Why? Because I like
to wear my gloves in winter?
No. Because there isn't the least bit
of adventure in you.
You know what you are, Paul?
You're a watcher.
You're a watcher.
There are watchers in this world,
and there are doers.
And the watchers
sit around watching the doers do.
Tonight you watched,
and I did.
It was a little harder
to watch what you did
than it was for you to do
what I was watching.
You can't even relax
for one evening.
I don't know, Paul,
sometimes you act like a...
What? Hmm? A stuffed shirt?
Is that it?
I didn't say that.
That's what you
were implying.
That's what
you're anticipating.
I didn't say
stuffed shirt.
Mm-hmm.
But you're extremely
proper and dignified.
Proper and dignified?
When was I proper and dignified?
The other night at Delfino's,
you were drunk, right?
Right.
I was stoned.
Exactly. I didn't
even know it
until you told me
in the morning.
Uhh... I mean, you're a funny kind
of drunk, Paul.
You just sat around looking unhappy,
watching your coat.
I was watching
my coat
because I saw someone else
watching my coat.
If you want, I'll get drunk
for you sometime,
make your hair
stand on end.
In Harry's Bar last New Year's Eve,
I punched an old woman.
Don't tell me
about drunk.
When else? When else
was I proper and dignified?
All the time.
You're always
dressed right.
You always look right.
You always say
the right thing.
You're very nearly
perfect.
That's a rotten
thing to say.
Before we were married,
I thought you slept with a tie.
Just for formal sleeps.
You have absolutely no sense
of the ridiculous.
Like last
Thursday night,
you wouldn't walk barefoot with me in
Washington Square Park.
Why not?
Simple answer.
It was 17 degrees.
Exactly. It's very logical,
it's very sensible,
and it's no fun.
Maybe you're right.
Maybe I am
a little bit too proper
and dignified for you.
Maybe you would've
been happier
with somebody a little more colorful and
flamboyant... like the geek.
It'd be a lot more laughs than
a stuffed shirt.
You said I wasn't.
Well, you are now.
I'm not listening
to this.
I have a court case
in the morning.
Where are you going?
To sleep.
How can you now?
I'll close my eyes
and count knichis. Good night.
You cannot sleep now.
We're having a fight.
You have the fight. When you're
through, turn off these lights.
That gets me
absolutely insane!
You can even control
your emotions!
No, no. I'm just as upset
as you are.
But when I'm hungry, I eat.
When I'm tired, I sleep.
I've seen you
eat and sleep.
Not in midcrisis.
What crisis?
We're just yelling.
You don't consider
this a crisis!
Our whole marriage
is hanging in the balance.
It is?
When did this happen?
Just now. It's suddenly become
very clear to me
that you and I have
absolutely nothing in common.
Because I won't
go walking barefoot in the park?
No case. Adultery, yes,
but cold feet, no.
Don't you oversimplify this.
I am angry. Can't you see that?
It's 2:15. If I can get to sleep
in half an hour,
I'll get
about 5 hours sleep.
I'll call you from court tomorrow,
and we'll fight by phone.
You won't go to sleep!
You'll stay here
and fight to save our marriage!
If our marriage hinges
on those fishbowls and pelmenchki,
it's not worth saving.
Care to join me in our tiny bed?
We're sleeping from left
to right tonight.
You won't discuss it!
You're afraid to discuss it!
I married a...
a coward!
Would you bring in a pail?
The closet's dripping.
Oh, I hate you!
I really,
really hate you!
There's one thing
I've learned in court.
Be careful when
you're tired and angry.
You may say something
you'll regret.
I am now tired and angry.
And a coward!
Maybe you're right.
Maybe we don't have
anything in common.
Two people
should have more
than just
a blood test first.
Maybe they should
be checked first
for a little common sense,
understanding,
and emotional maturity!
All right. Why don't
you get it passed
by the Supreme Court?
Only those couples bearing a certificate
from their psychiatrist
proving that they're
emotionally mature can be married.
Oh, listen...
Don't touch me!
Don't lay
a finger on me!
I can't stand
to have you near me!
I don't want to be
in the same room with you!
You're hysterical.
I am not hysterical!
I know exactly
what I'm saying.
It's all over
between us.
It's never going
to be any good anymore.
I'm sorry.
I don't want to cry.
Cry, please. Go ahead.
Don't tell me
when to cry!
I'll cry when
I feel like crying.
I won't cry until you're
out of this apartment.
What do you mean?
You certainly don't think we're
going to live here anymore, do you?
After this?
Are you serious?
Of course
I'm serious, Paul!
I want a divorce!
Divorce!
I'm sorry.
I can't discuss it anymore.
Where are you going?
To bed.
You can't, not now.
You did before.
During a fight.
This is during
a divorce.
I can't talk to you when
you're hysterical.
I want to know why
you want a divorce.
Huh?
Why?
Because you and I have absolutely
nothing in common.
Nothing in common?
What about the six days
at the Plaza, Corie?
Six days does
not a week make.
What does that mean?
I don't know!
I don't know
what it means.
All I know is
that I want a divorce.
You know,
I think you mean it.
You mean this?
I do.
I really do.
Let's just...
think.
I thought you
weren't going to cry.
Well, I am!
I'm going to have
the biggest cry
I've ever had
in my whole life,
and I'm going
to enjoy it!
I'll cry so hard
I'll keep you
awake all night.
Good night, Paul.
I mean goodbye.
Six days does
not a week make.
It's for you. I don't
live here anymore.
Fine. Fine.
You work and work
for a lousy 6 cents.
I don't even care.
I don't know...
why I even bother.
It's just...
it's just nothing.
One pound of grapes.
Anything else?
No, thank you.
Ah-choo!
God bless him.
If that's for tonight,
you needn't bother.
I have my own dinner.
I thought you
were moving out.
I haven't had a chance
to look for a room yet.
I work during the day.
You'll look tonight.
I'm coming down
with a cold.
That's why
I'm home early.
I thought I'd take aspirins and get
right into the sofa.
I'm sure you
can find someplace.
You can stay
at your club.
It's not that kind
of a club.
It's a locker room
and a handball court.
To sleep over, I'd have
to keep winning the serve.
Hello, Mrs. Bratter,
Mr. Bratter.
How's every
little thing?
The little things
are fine.
Shall I charge it,
Mr. Bratter?
Charge it to Mrs. Bratter.
It's a new account.
The grapes are his.
It's open!
Hi.
Hello again.
Phone's out
of order.
Yeah. I know.
I wouldn't be up here
on a social call.
Hey, you did
a real nice job.
Thank you.
Know anybody that
might want to rent it?
Rent it?
You moving already?
I'm looking
for a smaller place.
Smaller than this,
they're not easy to find.
How do you
like married life?
Very interesting.
Hello.
I'm the
telephone man.
I'm the husband.
Well, let's see what's
wrong with the phone.
It's dead.
I know. It was
murdered last night.
I'll be out of here
as fast as I can.
Take your time.
Nobody's rushing you.
Is there any beer
in the house?
I said, "Is there any beer
in the house?"
Would you
like me to look?
There's no beer
in the house.
There is no beer.
Ah!
That's my trouble... beer.
I can drink 10 cans
in a night... of beer.
Ahh!
My laundry come back today?
Yes, your laundry
came back today.
They stuffed your shirts
beautifully.
Would you
like a drink?
I said, "Would you
like a drink?"
Who? Me?
Yeah.
No.
Right.
Just one more little screw
will do it.
There. I'm finished.
I'm finished.
Aah!
Hello. Yes, it is.
Just a moment.
It's Aunt Harriet.
I don't have
an Aunt Harriet.
I guess you won't
be needing me anymore.
Goodbye.
Aunt Harriet,
can you hang on a second?
When do I get it?
Get what?
When do I get my divorce?
I don't know.
They didn't send
the marriage license yet.
I want you out tonight.
Fine.
I'll get my bag.
I'll pack
my wet suits.
Hi, Aunt Harriet.
What's wrong?
I'll go sleep
in the park,
where it's
dry and warm.
No, Mother's not with me.
She left about
2:00 this morning.
Yeah? What happened?
What?
Mother?
My mother?
Are you sure?
What's the matter?
What happened?
No. My phone's been
out of order all day.
Don't get excited.
I'll call you back
as soon as I find out
anything. Goodbye.
What's wrong
with your mother?
Mother didn't
come home last night.
Her bed hasn't
been slept in.
I'm calling the police.
Take it easy.
There's nothing to be...
Maybe her back
was bothering her,
and she fell asleep
on the ironing board.
Would you just go away.
Just go away.
Where are you going?
Upstairs to find out
what happened to mother.
You better not come back.
I'm buying
a big dog tomorrow.
You'll have somebody
to walk barefoot in the park with.
A dog. That's a laugh.
When she tries
to take him for a walk,
he'll get one look
at those stairs
and go right
for her throat.
Mr. Velasco, can I see you
for a minute?
A little dog.
A little doggie.
I don't need anybody
to protect me, sweetheart,
because I am a man,
independent, mature,
self-sufficient
man... ah-choo!
Oh! God bless me.
I've probably got the flu.
Yeah.
Chills, fever, sweaty.
Probably have
a 24-hour virus.
Better tomorrow
at a quarter to 4:00.
Oh!
Thanks. Thanks a lot, pal.
And thus it was written.
Some shall die
by pestilence,
some by the plague,
and one poor schnook
will get it from a hole
in the ceiling.
Ahh!
That's it. That's it.
Goodbye, leaky closet.
Bye, no bathtub.
Bye, hole.
Goodbye, six flights.
Oh!
Goodbye,
Corie.
Oh, no goodbye?
According to law,
I'm entitled to...
Goodbye!
What?
Is it your mother?
Corie, what is it,
an accident?
For Pete's sake,
what's it about?
It's not the way
it looks at all!
Boo-hoo!
Good God.
Corie, you've
got to believe me.
Somebody believe me.
I warned her.
I warned her,
and I was right.
He warned me,
and he was right.
It must have
been the drinks.
I had a great deal
to drink last night...
Martinis, vodka, coffee,
black bean soup, and ouzos.
That's not
my problem.
I'm well
out of it now.
Ahh!
Then after I fell,
Victor picked me up
and carried me inside.
I couldn't walk because
my shoes fell down the sewer.
You don't have
to explain.
He started
to carry me here,
but his hat
fell over his eyes,
and we fell down the stairs
into apartment 3C.
I fell on his foot.
I thought we'd
have a nice evening.
Mr. Gonzales, Mr. Armandariz,
and Mr. Calhoun
carried us both
up there
and put us down
on the rugs.
When I awoke,
Victor was gone,
and I was there
in his bathrobe.
I swear that's
the truth, Corie!
Got a cold.
I've had one
for 20 years.
Ahh!
Gee, that's a nice coat
you got there.
What?
Huh?
Your coat.
I'll make you a trade.
What have you got?
Nothing.
It's a deal!
You must believe me.
I've told you everything.
Then where
are your clothes?
That I can't tell you.
Why not?
You won't believe me.
I will. Mother,
where are your clothes?
I don't know.
I don't believe you.
Didn't I tell you
you wouldn't believe me?
I don't know
where they are.
I've never
been so humiliated.
I kept having
the most horrible nightmares.
I kept dreaming
my fingers were falling off
because I couldn't
make a fist. Ohh!
It's me.
Mr. Velasco,
are you all right?
If a broken toe
is all right, I'm fine.
Hello, Ethel.
Hello, Victor...
Mr. Victor...
Mr. Velasco.
I couldn't get up
the ladder again.
Did you tell Corie
what happened last night?
Why? What happened
last night?
Ooh, last night.
Yes.
Take his arm,
Mother.
I knew I would come to this,
being helped by women.
Oh, dear, does
your foot hurt?
Compared
to my stomach, no.
I think I have
a new ailment
which I shall call
"intestinal volcano. "
Are there little men
in there
running around
in spiked shoes?
And pointy
steel helmets,
and they keep
jumping up and down, up and down.
How long has
this been going on?
Hardly ever,
except after meals.
Welcome to my club.
I think
you have an ulcer.
An ulcer? Me?
From what?
Too many
spicy foods.
You'll have
to get used
to taking
little pink pills.
Oh, I'd rather die,
but first I must get
rid of this headache.
Do you have
about 300 aspirins?
I'm not as young
as I think I am.
Why do you say that?
Isn't it obvious?
Last night, I couldn't
carry you up the stairs.
I can't eat
rich food anymore.
I dye my hair, my...
Well, it's very nice.
Thank you.
So are you.
You know, Ethel, you are
a very unusual woman.
Unusual? In what way?
I took a long look
at you last night.
Do you know
what you are?
What?
A good sport.
Oh, a good sport.
To have gone through
all you did last night...
the trip to Staten Island,
the strange food,
being carried up
to my apartment like that.
If you remember, eh?
Ha ha ha!
Mr. Velasco,
where are my clothes?
Oh, your clothes. Here.
I'm sure I wore
more than that.
It's a cleaning ticket.
They're sending them up
at 4:00.
Oh, they're
at the cleaners.
When did I
take them off?
You didn't. You were
drenched and out cold.
Gonzales took them off.
Mr. Gonzales?
Not Mister... Dr. Gonzales.
Oh, the doctor.
Dr. Gonzales.
I guess that's
all right, then.
How convenient to have
an M.D. In the building.
He is not an M.D.
He's a doctor
of philosophy.
Ha ha ha!
Here. Aspirin.
No, thank you.
I'm feeling
much better now.
I'll take them.
Well, I must go.
Someone is calling
about renting my apartment.
From now on,
I take elevators.
Ooh!
Is there anything
I can do for you?
Yes, there is.
Would you like to have
dinner with me tonight?
Me?
If you don't mind
eating plain food.
I love plain food.
Good. I'll call the New York Hospital
for a reservation.
I'll pick you up at 7:00.
Whatever you say,
Victor.
Now, that's funny.
I was getting
used to Walter.
You know what I
could use right now?
A double ouzo.
What I really could use
is a new outfit.
Mother,
can I talk to you?
Do you realize I slept without
a board last night?
For the first time
in years,
I slept
without a board!
You don't suppose
ouzo is some kind
of Greek miracle drug, do you?
There's something
I've got to talk to you about.
How sweet of you.
You're worried about me.
I'm not worried about you.
Oh, my hair.
I wonder what I
could do with my hair?
Paul and I are
getting a divorce.
A divorce?
That's right.
Paul and I
are splitting up for good.
You and Paul?
I don't believe you.
You saw him leave
with his suitcase.
What did you think
he had in there?
I know how neat he is.
I thought
maybe the garbage.
Mother, I believe you.
Why don't you believe me?
Because
in my entire life,
I've never seen two people more in love
than you and Paul.
Well, maybe that
was true yesterday,
but it sure
isn't true today.
It couldn't have
been all your fault.
No? Because of me, you were
running around without your clothes
and Paul is out there
in the streets with a cold,
looking for a place
to sleep.
Whose fault is that?
Yours.
You want to know something
that may shock you?
I still love you.
And Paul loves you, too.
And I love him.
I don't know
what he wants.
I don't know how
to make him happy.
What am I going
to do, Mother?
That's the first time
you've asked my advice
since you were 10.
It's really very simple.
All you have to do
is give up a little bit
of you for him.
Don't make
everything a game,
just late at night
in that little room upstairs,
take care of him.
Make him feel...
important.
If you can do that,
you'll have a happy
and wonderful marriage,
like 2 out
of every 10 couples.
You'll be one
of the two, baby.
Now get out of here
and go find him.
I've got a date.
Aunt Harriet isn't going
to believe a word of this.
If you don't hear
from me tomorrow,
I'll be in the Nacional Hotel
in Mexico City,
Room 703.
Ha ha ha!
Ha ha ha!
Ha ha ha!
Paul!
It is you!
I doubt that very much.
I've been looking
for you everywhere.
Oh, yeah?
Oh, well,
you'll never find me.
Ha ha ha!
Your coat!
Where's your coat?
Coat?
I don't need a coat.
It's only 2 degrees.
What have you
been doing?
Oh.
Oh. Ha ha ha!
What have I been doing?
Just what have I been doing?
I've been walking
barefoot in the park.
Paul, you're crazy.
Shh!
But guess what I am?
You're drunk.
Ha ha ha!
You finally noticed!
Ha ha ha!
You're lousy,
stinking drunk.
Yee eeh!
Oh, I see you
still have your shoes.
Boy, what a stuffed shirt.
Paul, no!
Paul!
Paul?
Paul, are you all right?
Corie, I got to
tell you something.
No, later.
No, now. I got
to tell you now.
I got all the way
down the stairs,
suddenly it hit me.
Suddenly I saw everything clearly
for the first time.
I said to myself
this is crazy.
This is crazy.
It's all wrong
for me to run away like this.
There's only one
right thing to do.
Really, Paul? What?
You get out.
Ha ha ha
ha ha ha ha ha.
Ha ha ha ha.
Ah-choo!
Why should I get out?
The lease is in my name.
I'm going home.
Drop in anytime.
You know
my address.
After all, a man's
home is his castle.
I'm home, castle.
Oh! Oh, still here?
Well, I will...
I will give you
10 minutes
to pack up
your pelmenchki
and go.
Ah-choo!
Paul, you're burning up
with a fever.
How about that?
You're going
to get pneumonia.
If that's what you want,
that's what I'll get.
Paul, take your shoes off.
They're soaking wet.
I can't. My feet
have swellened.
I never should
have let you out.
I've got an idea.
Let's do that thing
you said before.
Let's wake the police
and see if they come out
of the crazy neighbors.
This building
is under arrest!
Everybody out!
- What?
- Paul...
Will you
get into bed?
You get in first.
- You're sick.
- Not that sick.
No, stop it!
Stop it.
I mean it. Stop it.
Ha! Come here, cutie.
Come on, Paul,
stop it.
No! I'm
warning you.
Hey, you're pretty when
you're mean and rotten.
Keep away from me!
I'll scream!
Shh! There's snow
on the roof.
We'll have
an avalanche.
You're not supposed
to be walking around. You got a fever.
Stand still,
the both of you.
Hey...
Open this door.
I can't.
I'm scared.
Of me?
Yes.
Why?
It's not you
anymore.
I want the old
Paul back.
That fuddy-duddy?
He's not a fuddy-duddy.
He's strong and dependable.
He takes care of me
and protects me
from people like you.
I want him to know
how much I love him.
I'll make everything
exactly the way he wants it.
I'll fix the hole
in the skylight
and the leak
in the closet.
I'll put in a bathtub.
I'll carry him upstairs
every night,
'cause that's
how much I love him.
Paul?
Paul?
Hey...
Paul?
Paul!
Aah!
You're going
to kill yourself! Come down!
No, I want to be a nut,
just like everybody else
in this building!
Aah!
No, I don't want you
to be a nut. Come down.
No.
Not until you've
said it again,
loud and clear.
Anything, Paul,
anything.
My husband...
My husband...
Ah-choo!
Paul Bratter...
Paul Bratter...
rising young attorney...
Aah!
Rising young...
rising young attorney...
is a lousy,
stinking drunk.
Is a lousy,
stinking drunk,
and I love him.
I love you,
too, Corie.
Even when I didn't like you,
I loved you.
Then, Paul, would
you please come down?
I can't, not now.
Why?
'Cause I'm
going to be sick.
Oh, no!
Oh, yes.
Don't move. I'll be right up
there to get you.
Would you do that,
'cause I'm getting panicky.
Paul, I'm coming.
I'm coming.
Corie? Cor-Corie?
Corie!
What? What, Paul, what?
Don't leave me.
You're going
to be all right.
Just hold on tight
and be calm.
How?
Wh-what should I do?
What should he do?
What should he do?
Sing.
Sing?
Sing as
loud as you can.
Don't stop till I get there.
Promise you'll keep singing.
I promise.
O.K., don't stop
until I get there.
I love you, darling.
Keep singing.
Corie? Corie, Corie!
Corie!
What, Paul?
What song should I sing?
Shama shama.
Sh...
Shama?
Sing it, Paul.
Shama shama
El mal kema ma
Shama shama
Shama shama
Shama shama
El el kema shama
Shama shama
Shama shama
shama shama
Uh, uh, sh-shama
Shama shama
El mal kema ma
Shama shama
El mal kema ma
Shama shama
Shama shama
Shama
El mal kema...
What's happening?
I don't know.
They're looking up
at this house.
Shama sh-shama
Shama
Sh-shama
Oh, Paul.
Oh, good.
They made up.
Ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh
Ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh
So come along,
my barefoot love
To the fields
that shine with spring
Though it's 10 below
Let me go
Knee-deep in daisies
with you