We could just fire him.
He'll need
three months' notice.
Stuff and nonsense.
Leave it to me.
I'll talk to the chairman and
insist on Mr Bean's dismissal.
Back to the agenda.
The Grierson Gallery of
California has recently received
a private donation
of fifty million dollars
to buy Whistler's
portrait of his mother
from the Muse D'Orsay in Paris.
It is simply the most
historic purchase
made by an American gallery
this century.
The greatest painting ever
by an American artist
is returning at last to America.
From now on Whistler's Mother
lives here in Los Angeles
where she belongs!
When will we actually see her?
The unveiling will be in about
two weeks - you're all invited!
They've asked us
to send a scholar
of great weight and substance
to preside over the ceremony
and stay on for two months
for lectures and seminars.
Dr Rosenblum...
Dr Cutler...
You both hold high claim
on this great honour.
- The chairman's here, sir.
- Excellent. Send him in.
Run and fetch Mr Bean, will you?
- We're about to fire him.
- Marvellous.
Mr Bean is the worst employee
in the gallery's history.
Good afternoon, sir.
Sit down.
Before moving on
to the major business,
I'd like to broach
the question of Mr Bean.
Mr Bean has worked
for us for many years.
And will for many more.
I employed
this splendid young man
when I did your job, Charles,
and I'll resign
if you go near him.
He's a fine young fellow.
Absolutely. Quite right.
Moving on...
The Grierson Gallery
of California
needs a representative
of our great gallery.
They are looking for a scholar
of the very highest standing.
I have therefore decided
to recommend for the post...
and the three months'
sabbatical that goes with it...
that splendid employee -
Mr Bean!
Yes!
- All in favour?
- Yes!
Excellent! Carried.
Our loss is America's gain.
David, the Royal National
Gallery wants a guy called Bean
to represent them.
Can't say I've heard of him.
The letter's signed
by Dr Rosenblum and Cutler.
That's impressive.
They say, "he's a man
whose incontrovertible genius
"dwarfs our meagre talents."
Rosenblum and Cutler said that?
You asked for England's top man.
I delivered him.
It sounds like it.
However, before we confirm,
Bernice feels
we'd get more media attention
with someone
from the entertainment industry.
I believe we could get...
Jon Bon Jovi.
Jon Bon Jovi?
- To unveil Whistler's Mother?
- Yes.
I have nothing
against Jon Bon Jovi.
He's had two great
hairstyles in ten years,
an achievement
not to be sniffed at.
But, so far as I know,
Mr Jovi knows nothing
about 19th-Century
Impressionism.
It isn't mentioned in his songs.
- But David...
- This is not a rock video.
This is a great
and serious work of art,
and Dr Bean will give
the occasion depth and dignity.
You're right. We go with Bean.
- But, George...
- No, David's our curator.
It's his decision,
his responsibility,
ultimately, his neck.
- Where will he stay?
- I have an interesting idea.
Here? In our house?
For two months?
Oh-ho, David, suddenly
there's no hotels in LA?
No need to get excited.
This is the Royal
National Gallery's top man.
I thought it'd be exciting
to have him around
to learn from, talk to...
Do we know anything
about our new best friend?
They'd mention
if he was a serial killer!
Are you feeling lucky, punk?
- David, over my dead body!
- Ali...
I'd like to put it
on the table right now!
This is a once-in-a-lifetime
opportunity.
It'll be great for the kids.
You're kidding!
It's gonna be great!
Let's say there is a chart
of the most intelligent
people you've ever met.
Number one is Dr Bean.
Kevin, sometimes you ask me
questions I can't answer.
Like, "What's an IUD?"
More like,
"What's the meaning of life?"
- I never asked you that.
- That doesn't matter!
What I'm saying is,
Dr Bean is a remarkable man.
He could be very cute.
The guy's gonna be a creep!
All Englishmen are ugly -
I look at Prince Charles
and weep.
So he looks
like Meatloaf's butt.
If we get lucky.
Jennifer, nobody is
asking you to marry him.
Why have a family conference?
Dad's made up his mind.
Perceptive child.
What's wrong
with Meatloaf's butt?
C'mon, it'll be great.
Dr Bean is a genius
of the highest order.
Good evening.
No, sir. You're in First Class.
Good evening.
Good evening, sir.
May I take your coat?
- Simple poster. Nice and big.
- A bargain at $9.99.
- Spencer?
- Yes, sir.
Bath towel.
Pushing your luck a little.
It'll sell.
It's Whistler's Sister.
You are kidding.
No, sir. We have a range
for every member of the family.
Whistler's Mother's cookies.
Whistler's Father's beer mug.
Here's one
for the younger brother range -
Whistler's whistle.
You blow up her ass.
Here, try.
I don't feel well.
I think I'm gonna be sick.
I think we're looking
for a Brad Pitt look-alike.
Police!
Move on him now!
Watch it! Out of the way!
A 415, man with a gun
heading into Terminal Two!
Get some people here!
Police coming through!
Lady, watch it!
There he is!
Everyone on the floor! Now!
- Not you, sweetie.
- Oh, right.
Carefully take out your weapon,
holding the butt
with two fingers.
Slowly place it on the floor
and take three steps back.
- What is this?
- I don't know. Weird.
Mr Bean,
are you on any medication?
Not that I know of.
Well, you could
certainly use some.
So, Doctor...
Bean.
Yes, OK, Dr Bean.
Well, you...you made it.
Nice flight?
This is Kevin.
This is Jennifer. She's very
excited about meeting you.
My wife, Alison.
David, could I have
the tiniest talk with you?
All right. We just...
I appreciate he seems
a little eccentric.
There are Martians exiled
from Mars for looking weird
who look less weird than him.
- He has an original quality.
- He goes. Today.
That was amazing!
Really cool!
Can you do this?
No, but I can do this.
- How do you do that?
- Magic.
- You'll tell him? Today?
- Yes.
Today seems a good day.
Well, sir. An unorthodox start.
I guess I never expected things
with a man of your calibre
to be normal.
I've never read your writings.
What exactly is your position
at the gallery?
I sit in the corner
and look at the paintings.
That is brilliant!
If only more scholars
would do that -
just sit and look,
not lecture, write and argue -
just sit and look
at the paintings. Brilliant!
- Morning, Elmer.
- Good morning, sir.
Dr Bean.
If you'd like to sign in, sir.
Thank you.
Welcome to the Grierson.
Welcome to my world.
We're expected in
Grierson's office at 9am.
He doesn't like
to be kept waiting, so...
- Do you mind...?
- Absolutely, you bet.
Doctor, we should go.
We're very late.
Oh, we...
Doctor, if you're ready.
Ah, David, finally.
Our professor
from across the sea.
- George Grierson, Dr Bean.
- I'm delighted, Doctor.
- Actually, I'm not...
- A photo, sir?
Hold it right there.
We've heard a lot about you.
We expect a great deal of you.
Bernice is in charge of PR.
An absolute honour, Doctor.
Walter Huntley,
our merchandise manager.
Nice to meet you.
Take a seat, Doctor.
Let me take that.
This is very out-of-date.
Before we settle in,
feast your eyes on these.
I'll be honest with you, Bean.
- I like this.
- It's beautiful, sir.
- Over here.
- Ok.
It's a lovely green there.
Good, down to business.
I've asked Bernice to run
through the order of events.
Dr Bean, would you join us?
No, I'll just...
Very well.
Bernice.
Anything pertaining
to media requirements
has an asterisk.
i.e., glossy stills required
by some favoured weeklies,
that sort of thing.
The big day unfolds as follows:
our generous benefactor
General Newton arrives at 10am,
then at 10.30
will be the unveiling
in front of all media.
I assume all this merchandising
will be available?
Absolutely. From fridge magnets
to frisbees, we'll be ready.
It will probably be about 11am
when the stage
is set for Dr Bean.
Yes, right, we really...
We should bring in
the Doctor here.
Dr Bean?
Doctor, we've inspected
the schedule, and...
if you would just look
at yours over there.
The General arrives at 10am
and unveils
the picture at 10.30.
About eleven o'clock
should be your speech.
I think twenty minutes
should be long enough.
- Don't you, Bernice?
- Absolutely.
You could fill hours, Doctor,
but it would be best
to keep it light.
Maybe some anecdotes about
the painting of the picture,
and why it is considered
America's greatest painting.
Is that going to be enough,
Doctor, 20 minutes?
If you'll excuse me,
I have lunch with the Mayor.
Not what I like, but duty calls.
Doctor, good to meet you.
It's a complex experience.
Enjoy your stay with David.
They're simple people, but warm.
David, may I have
a private word?
Ok. Wait for me
at the new acquisitions.
I'll join you shortly.
He's a genius, right?
- Yeah, he's eccentric, but...
- Yes!
The unveiling
of Whistler's Mother
is the most important thing
to happen at this gallery.
And Dr Bean was your choice.
Yes, I understand that.
Thank you, sir.
Dr Bean, when we get home...
I wonder if you would mind
giving me a moment
with my wife?
There's something
we need to work out.
No problem.
I think just wait
in here would be good.
Just ignore that.
Her mother gave it to us.
Huge sentimental value.
Just make yourself at home.
I'll be just a couple
of minutes with Alison.
Doctor...
I would actually not do that.
That's a limited edition.
It's delicate, so if you...
Yeah, there would be good.
That's fine.
No Dr Bean?
- Actually, he is still here.
- Jennifer, Kevin, Plan B!
Luggage packed? What is Plan B?
If Dr Bean isn't gone,
we go to Grandma's.
Screwed up again, Dad?
There was no time
to raise the subject!
- Start the car, sweetie.
- Wait a second. Look...
You look!
I ask very little of you,
but I did ask you
to get rid of Dr Bean.
You have made your choice.
You two can stay here
and come to grips
with post-modernism,
but I am taking
our kids to Mother's.
Give him one last chance.
Just one.
Please.
OK.
Thank you.
- All right.
- Thanks.
- Once you know him...
- Don't.
- Hello, Doctor.
- Hello.
That's not for the TV...
Yeah... Well...
There they go.
Well, Doctor, we got
the whole weekend together.
Yeah, get to know
each other, and...
I was thinking tomorrow
we might really do LA.
There's the Gallery
of American Indian Art,
the California State Gallery...
The Rabowitz is the place
for Abstract Expressionism.
Sound good to you?
You have something else in mind?
Incredible. You set?
Would you get another ticket?
Could be more fun
the second time around.
OK.
Brace yourself!
Help me!
He's a genius, huh?
So they tell me.
Well, he looks like
a fruitcake to me.
You'll take responsibility
for his actions?
You're a braver man than me,
and I take on gangs
armed with AK-47s.
Get him out of here.
I would love to kick his butt.
And the next time, I will.
Doctor, there is something
we have to talk about.
I don't quite know
how to put this.
What concerns me...
Whoever that is,
I'll get rid of them.
- There he is!
- David, sorry we're late.
Traffic - terrible.
It gets worse and worse.
It's beautiful - the green!
- ..nobody in control.
- The yellow!
He doesn't have to drive.
Where is Alison?
I've got bad news and good news.
The bad news is that Alison
is visiting her mom,
who is...not well.
- That's too bad.
- The poor thing.
The good news is,
Dr Bean and I are cooking.
- That's good news?
- Of course it is.
All the greatest chefs are men.
What's on the menu, maestro?
How could I forget?
What the hell
are we going to give them?
They expect something
more formal.
An onion? On its own?
That's for Thanksgiving.
Alison would kill me.
There must be something else.
Have you cooked one before?
Oh, yes.
But it'd take five hours!
Not necessarily.
- What do you think, 20 minutes?
- How do I know?
You sure this will work?
Ok, put on some vegetables
and say hello.
Maestro, my tastebuds
are tingling with anticipation.
No, thanks.
We'll skip the appetiser.
So, Bean. Big day Tuesday.
Your big day, my big day.
I have a question for you.
He's attentive to detail.
Everything must be... just so.
Bean, I think we need
to be honest with each other.
I cannot deny
that over the last days
some suspicions have begun
to gather in my mind.
I would like to ask
some questions.
Number one: are you a doctor?
No.
Number two.
Do you know anything about art?
Well...
Just, for instance...
Was Leonardo da Vinci
an American basketball player?
Yes.
- Hi, Dad.
- Hi, Dad.
Hello, Doctor.
- Bye, Dad.
- Bye, Dad.
Hallo? Mr Grierson, yes.
He's in the shower with me.
Give it to me!
Hello, Mr Grierson.
No, you misunderstood.
What time? She is?
Thank you for calling me.
- Ok. Goodbye.
- Bye.
Whistler's Mother
has actually arrived in America.
Listen, I beg you,
as a man whose entire
career depends on you,
behave rationally today.
There is no God.
What do you think?
Nice frame.
Magnificent.
David, well done.
Worth every bright green buck.
She's something else, isn't she?
Enjoy her while you can.
Soon we'll lock her away
until the guy who paid
$50 million for her turns up.
- Elmer, a security meeting?
- Right, sir.
This is your key
to the encasement system.
There are only two -
I have the other one.
If it turns up missing,
I'll know where to go.
If you could all join me
at the security console.
Doctor, why don't you
stay here?
Maybe the real thing
will inspire your speech.
Don't leave this room
till I get back.
This chart maps
all the security alarms.
The operation has a code name:
"Operation Whistler's Mother".
Not a snazzy title,
but I think it works.
Fear not, gentlemen.
Nothing'll touch that painting,
short of an earthquake.
Oh, no!
We've gotta protect the painting
without getting
in the good doctor's way.
Seems to be
a problem with the...
door.
Where's the picture gone?
What, what, what?
Oh, Jesus! Oh, God!
Jesus, God! Oh, Mary!
Mother of Jesus!
Jesus of Nazareth!
Why am I worrying?
You did it!
All I have to do
is tell them what happened!
Then they'll say, "Who left him
alone with the picture?"
I say, "Me"!
And they say, "You're fired."
I say, "Fine."
They say, "Prosecute him
for negligence."
My wife leaves me, my daughter
becomes a prostitute.
I wind up on Death Row
with Butch McDick!
I gotta calm down.
Ok, give me one more
look at the painting.
Oh, God!
..rendering the underground
ventilation ducts secure.
- That's good to know.
- Thank you, sir.
Do you drink, Bean?
- No.
- Good. Neither do I.
Bean...
Carry on.
Do you want to know
the reality of the situation?
Because you moved into my house,
my wife has moved out.
Yes, she did.
She might have
moved out anyway, but...
That is point one. Point two...
I've given my life to art.
From here on in, the only art
I will get anywhere near
are pictures I draw
on the pavement,
hoping passers-by
will throw nickels in my hat.
The long and the short of it...
I wish I'd never been born.
Yesterday,
All my troubles
seemed so far away,
Now it looks as though
they're here to stay.
Oh, I believe
In yesterday.
Suddenly,
I'm not half the man
I used to be.
There 's a shadow
hanging over me
I believe
In yesterday.
Suddenly,
Row, row, row your boat
Gently down the stream
If you see a crocodile,
Don't forget to scream.
Row, row, row your boat,
Gently down the stream.
If you see a crocodile,
Don't forget to screa...
I can explain everything.
Ok, explain everything.
It's inexplicable.
- Ali, listen...
- No, David.
The reason I came home
was because I missed you.
And also because I live here,
and they live here.
But we've been waiting
for five hours!
And we get a drunk and his
friend from the Planet Zog!
I know it seems
like this horrible...
situation...
but if you could just hear
my full horrific tale.
David, I think I'm gonna
have to leave you.
You are?
Well, then things
really have gotten bad.
Yeah.
Hi, Beanie.
- Can't sleep?
- No.
Me neither. Can't stop
thinking about naked women.
- How about you?
- Whistler's Mother.
Whatever turns you on.
Catch you around, Moon Man.
If you still can't sleep,
come to my room.
I've some great posters
of Cindy Crawford.
Come on!
God damn it!
Oh, my God!
Jennifer! No, no.
You're not getting
on that bike.
Good morning, everyone.
No one's allowed on those
death traps. You promised.
You promised
to get rid of Dr Freako!
Don't talk to me!
I'm thinking about what to do.
- Well...
- Quiet!
There they are.
What a pleasure, sir.
Welcome to our humble abode.
Not too humble, I hope.
I'm expecting lunch.
- This way.
- After you, sir.
Glad you made it!
Where the hell have you been?
- Sorry, trouble at home.
- Never mind. Come along.
I'd like you to meet
our curator.
- Delighted...
- Of course you are.
Through here, sir.
Ladies and gentlemen, this is
a great moment for America,
and for one very special lady -
Whistler's Mother.
She's here today
thanks to our great benefactor.
Will you join me
in saluting a soldier,
philanthropist, loving father...
Hear, hear!
..and extremely generous patron
of the arts, General Newton.
Thank you, ladies and gentlemen.
I am not
a traditional art lover.
I can't distinguish between
a Picasso and a car crash.
But I love my country
and I can't stand the idea
of Frenchies owning
America's greatest painting.
Let's get on with it.
Welcome home, Ma.
Whatever you did,
you're a genius, and I love you.
- It's a poster.
- It's a what?
- David, it's time.
- Time for what?
- The speech.
- What speech?
Dr Bean's speech.
Of course, the speech.
Doctor, keep it below an hour.
A joke in it would be nice.
"Good Morning, America" couldn't
give a monkey about "isms".
You know what I mean.
- It needn't be long. Just...
- Dr Bean, we're ready.
Just, just, just...
For the second
highlight of our day,
Dr Bean, English art scholar,
will speak for a few minutes -
not too long -
about our new purchase.
Ladies and gentlemen,
Dr Bean of the National
Gallery of England.
Bravo!
Well, hello.
I'm Dr Bean...apparently...
and my job is to sit
and look at paintings.
Just him and the painting?
What have I learnt
that I can say
about this painting?
Well, firstly, it's quite big.
Which is excellent.
Because if it was really small -
you know, microscopic -
then hardly anybody
would be able to see it,
which would be
a tremendous shame.
Secondly...
and I'm getting
quite near the end now
of this analysis
of this painting.
Secondly...
Why was it worth this man here
spending fifty million
of your American dollars
on this portrait?
The answer is...
Well, this picture
is worth such a lot of money
because...
it's a picture...
of Whistler's Mother.
And, as I've learnt
by staying with my best friend,
David Langley, and his family,
families are very important.
And even though Mr Whistler
was perfectly aware
that his mother
was a hideous old bat
who looked like she had
a cactus up her backside...
he stuck with her,
and even took the time to paint
this amazing picture of her.
It's not just a painting.
It's a picture of a mad old cow
who he thought the world of.
And that's marvellous.
That's what I think.
Ok, let's seal it up.
Home and dry.
Where did you put the original?
Mr Langley, may I have a word?
Stay here. Shut up.
- Mr Langley...
- I can explain.
- Explain what?
- About the painting.
- What painting?
- "Whistler's Mother".
I'm here as a police officer,
not as an art lover.
Your daughter's been
in a motorcycle accident.
Damn!
Request emergency clearance
for 8-0-9 Adam.
- No!
- Shut up!
Suspect male, possibly armed.
Request back-up.
Keep speeding. If you get
a ticket, I'll tear it up.
Easy, fella, hold it! Halt!
Put the gun down.
Jennifer Langley's room.
She came in about 11 o'clock.
Motorcycle accident.
She's on the fifth floor.
Take the elevator.
Just...
All right.
I... Please, just stay here
and do nothing!
If you do nothing,
nothing can go wrong.
I've got to take care
of my family.
The nurse says
that it's not a coma,
that she's just
sorta taking time out.
But we haven't seen
a doctor yet, so I don't...
Dr Jacobson, you're needed
urgently in Or-3.
I'm due in Number 4.
A ruptured kidney
and massive bleeding.
OK.
Yes, it's urgent.
- What's happening?
- Surgeon's on his way.
At last, Dr...Bean.
We've got a 45-year-old male
brought in 10 minutes ago.
He's got a penetrating
injury to the chest.
In there now!
Doctor, it looks like
a bullet in the lower thorax.
There's severe inner bleeding.
- He's coming to.
- Give me a T-70.
Shall I extend
the incision, sir,
from the breastbone
to the diaphragm?
Sorry, sir,
it's only my first week.
You're right.
We'll wait for X-rays.
Help. We are losing
this guy. We need help.
Watch he doesn't go
into haemodynamic shock.
He's fibrillating!
Charge the paddles.
Clear!
What's that?
What?
Jolly good. Clean it up.
Sorry to keep you waiting.
back to the bleeding.
We'll clamp it off.
We need that J-17 right now.
There's too much blood.
More suction,
pack the bleeding!
Pressure's bottoming out.
His heart rate's dropping!
We're losing him!
He's crashing!
Where is this bullet?
We find it or he's dead.
I am not going to lose him!
Sir, I've got
to get in there!
Doctor, you can't just...
This is too dangerous!
My God!
Incredible.
Heart rate stabilising.
Blood pressure's back.
Doctor, thank God.
My daughter was in an accident.
We're desperate
for some medical attention.
Would you mind?
- The doctor will check her out.
- Thank God.
Damage to the brain
is sensitive to observe,
so maybe we should step outside.
The first nurse said
it's more like
a deep sleep than a coma.
Jennifer?
Wakey, wakey.
Breakfast's ready.
Jennifer?
What time is it?
It's almost 2.
Can you turn the clock back
about 12 hours for me?
Sure.
Wake up, wake up!
Wake up!
I don't know
what to say about Bean.
He's clearly
a Force 10 disaster area,
but - God help me! -
I like him.
Having said that,
there is no reason
why any of you should have
anything to do with him again.
Mom! Dad! Anyone?
My God! Jennifer!
Honey! Look at you!
- What happened?
- You had an accident.
But everything is gonna be Ok.
What happened to Stingo?
He'll be fine...
till I get my hands on him.
Doctor, where are you going?
How can we ever say thank you?
You've made us so happy.
- We'll do anything.
- Anything.
I suppose you could
let me stay another week.
Sunset Boulevard!
What's this all about?
Presents!
This is heavy.
Thank you.
- Thanks.
- Thanks.
Look, laxatives.
A whole box of them!
- There they are!
- Six of them.
Barbie!
Thanks!
What did you get?
Smile!
Give us a smile.
Bye-bye!
Bye, Beanie!
See ya!
Farewell!
Well, Beanie, it's been...
..surreal.
You can come back
and visit any time...
..in the fairly distant future.
I know it sounds insane,
but I'm really gonna miss you.
OK...
OK.
Bye again.
European Captioning Institute
Yes, I normally
stay till the end as well.
Bye.
You can go now if you...
if you wish.
Oh, dear me. Bye.