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Bear with Us (2016)
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["The Blue Danube Waltz" by Johann Strauss II playing] [bell dings] [indistinct chattering] - That looks good. [gentle piano music] - All right, we're here. - And "here" is? - The place where we had our first date. - No, it's not. - Okay, well, it isn't technically the same place. [together] They tore that place down. - Yeah, but it's built on the same lot. - Welcome, mademoiselle and monsieur, to the Restaurant Franais. My name is Arthur. I will be serving you this evening. Tonight's special is a simple yet elegant filet mignon stuffed with foie gras. It is one delicious thing stuffed inside another. What could go wrong, no? But before we get started, mademoiselle, we have quite the appetizer for you, the finest of escargot paired with a decadent... - Marriage proposal. Quincy Adams, I love you so much it makes me crazy. I wouldn't change a single thing about you. So what do you say? Will you make me the happiest man in the world? Quincy... will you marry me? [upbeat music] - Your aunt still has that cabin, right? - Who wants to know? - Uh, I-I do. - Oh, yeah, she does. - I want to take Quincy on a-- - A vacation. really? Did you get that promotion? - What? No, I mean, I don't know. I don't think they've decided yet. - Oh. - I just thought it would be good for us to get away for a few days, you know? Help us get things back to... - Normal? Normal would be breaking up with her because the stress of rejection got to be too much of a burden on your relationship, but, you know, who needs normal? - I know I can make it work. Assess, prepare, execute, conquer, right? - Yeah. - I hear Hawaii is nice this time of year. - No, I've already got the perfect destination. - Oh. I thought you might want to... - Take her somewhere more exotic. - I can't really afford that at the moment. - Like Orlando. - It has to be the woods. There's nothing like gathering kindling to rekindle a relationship, right? - What the fuck did you just say? - It sounded better when I was thinking it. - I hope so, 'cause it sounded like shit coming into my ear. - A cabin in the woods? Have you ever even seen a horror movie? - Yes to both. No, look: I know that it's not the most glamorous location, but we're gonna make the most of it. It's all about who you're with, right? - Good point. So, you want to go on vacation with me and Colin to a cabin in the woods? - Is that really such a good idea? I mean, what are you gonna tell him about--you know? - Look, I'm just trying to figure stuff out right now, okay? I'm seeing a therapist-- - Therapist? You hate it when people give you advice. - Do you think you can get off work? - [scoffs] I practically run the place. - You just make the sandwiches. - Exactly. Without me, there are no sandwiches. - Not to mention, Colin and I still have six months left on our lease, so-- - Yeah, I'm not sure that that's the best reason to... - Stay with me. - Why do I get the feeling you're not just bringing me-- your best friend of 18 yours, along with you to this romantic getaway to my Aunt Stacy's cabin in the woods in the middle of nowhere to help you and your girlfriend of two years rekindle your love? - Can I trust you with this? - You're gonna propose again? You're gonna propose again! Of course you can trust me, man. Come on, give me the rock, huh? [clatters] Oh. I'm sorry. It's in here somewhere. Just relax. - Plus if there's a deranged killer on the loose, you'll keep me safe. The slut always dies first, right? - Rude. [both laugh] I always thought it was the black guy. - Hmm. - We're only going for the weekend? - Well, you know my motto: always be prepared. - That's the Boy Scout motto. - Yeah. - You weren't a Boy Scout. - Yeah. - [sighs] - Is that tuna? - It is. - You're gonna finish that before we leave, right? Because it reeks. - Okay. - Thank you. - Mm. Mm-hmm. - That's great. Why did we have to invite Harry? - It's my aunt's cabin. - It's his aunt's cabin. We can't not bring him. - Mm. Double negative. What up? - Well done, Harry. - Single positive. - Up up--oh! [both laugh] - Let's just get this over with. - That's the spirit. Now where's Tammy? - Tammy? Tammy's coming here? When did she get back from Beijing? I've been dying to meet the other half of my other half's other half. - She's been back for months. Where are your bags? - I don't have any. - Hello. I'm Harry. - You certainly are. [ukulele playing] - Oh. It's tuned. - He's not gonna be playing that the entire time, is he? - He might. - Any requests? I only know three songs. - Ooh, ooh, uh... which three? - Don't encourage him. - I wrote them all. It's called "Eagles Victory," "Hoops On Fire," and "I Have a Tickle in My Throat." - That one's a good one. It's my favorite. - Here we go with "A Tickle in My Throat." - And a three and a two and a one. - Tickle - [laughs] Why are you in my throat? - And away we go. [suspenseful music] - I spy with my little eye something brown. - A tree. - You're really good at this game. - I know. - Does this thing go any faster? - Not really, but in a few years the savings in gas will pay for itself. - [humming] [clangs] - Oh, oh, it's this one. Yep, there, on the right, I think. Number 666. - That's really encouraging. - Okay, guys. Cell phones in the tin. - Uh, hold on a minute. I'd like to watch this video. - What is so important that you have to watch it right this moment? - Fainting goats. [goats bleats] - [laughs] Why is it fainting? - Believe it or not, some mammals involuntarily faint when startled. - Awesome. - Weird. - [laughs] - Okay. Good-bye, internet videos. - Quincy, your turn. - Hello? We're in the middle of nowhere. I'm not just burying the single most useful piece of technology ever invented. - Soap? - The printing press? - What if something happens? - Then we will experience that something together without distraction. Think of it like a trust exercise. You all trust me, right? - Mm-hmm. Quincy, we need a reboot. This is the first step. - One small step for man is one giant leap for-- - Okay, shut up. Whatever. - Tammy? - Oh, I don't have a cell phone. - Can't say I'm surprised. All right. No phones, no internet, no interruptions. We are completely cut off from the outside world. For the next two days, we are entirely on our own. - Except for that guy. - Howdy, folks. - Howdy. - The name's Rick. - Ranger Rick! Ha! - Colin. Colin Dense. Didn't really plan on running into anybody out here. - Well, I saw your environmentally conscious vehicle and figured I ought to extend you all a warm Wilshire Woods welcome. Don't get too many visitors, but heck if I'm not glad you're here. It's a magical place. - What's that swanky bracelet you got going on there? - This here is my trusty bear tracker. They don't make them like this anymore. - Are there bears in these woods? - You bet your buns there are, and it's mating season, so you'd do well to keep your distance. Bears can get mighty irritable when they're trying to scratch Mother Nature's greatest itch. - Okay, well, it was nice to meet you Mr.-- - Ranger. - Mr. Ranger. But-- - Rick. - But, Rick... we have some serious vacationing to get to. - Course you do. Stay safe, folks. And remember, bear hunting season's over, though there should be plenty of fish in the...lake. [laughs] Yeah. - You have the key, right? - No. Why would I have the key? It's your aunt's cabin. - It's just an expression. - No, it isn't. Just open the door. - Key, key. Who's got the key? - Ooh. I've got a key. - No rocks! - Oh, no. Ah! Under the mat. Under the mat. That's what Aunt Stacy said. Under the mat. Oh. Ah. - Ooh! Ha ha! Maybe his name is Matt? - Oh, exactly. - What? - [inhales sharply] Ah. [tea kettle whistling] [tea kettle continues to whistle] - Why are you boiling water? - Oh, no. That was already on. [tea kettle continues to whistle] [whistling stops] - I didn't know your uncle was black. - Me, either. Oh, no, Yeah, that's not my uncle. - Weird. - Also, that's not my Aunt Stacy. - I just parked. You close? - Just past the Jamesons'. - Oh. Well, then you're not close. - Well, if it makes you feel any better, I'm wearing that dress you like. - Well, then I'll wait weeks if I have to. - Oh, shit. - What? What's the matter? - I think I left the stove on. - Oh, no. Look, the reservation is for 8:30-- - No, no, no. Go in. - No, no, no. I'll wait. - Go ahead, order without me. - No, I'm sure you didn't leave it on. - But if I don't go back and check right now, it'll drive me crazy all night, and I won't be able to enjoy you. - All right. All right. Well-- - Okay? - Okay. Drive safely. - I'll hurry. - Yeah. - Bye. - Bye. - What is this? - Oh, no. It's a phone. We need to hide it. - Yeah. Yeah. - What do you think of Harry? - Oh, I try not to think of Harry. - I like his vibe, you know? Like, he's got no idea what's going on. - That's 'cause he's an idiot. - What do you think of Tammy? - I don't know. Why? - She's got a good vibe, and she's always digging whatever's going on. - Yeah, that's 'cause she's on drugs. - Oh. - My therapist told me that I should do things that make me happy. He called me a strong, beautiful... flexible woman. - All right. So once we get everyone into the woods, you make up an excuse to get away. Do you have one in mind? - I left my notebook inside. - No. That'll never work. Um, maybe just say you're gonna grab some trail mix, but then you head to the-- - Kitchen to get the trail mix. - No. You go to the shed. Any questions? - Why do girls always go to the bathroom together? - Did your therapist say anything about not going on vacation with a guy you're about to break up with? - I am not planning on breaking up with Colin. I was, but I don't know. Look, let's just get through this weekend, and then, if we do split up, this was, like, a last hurrah for us, you know? - [inhales sharply] - You don't have this key either? - I don't remember the shed ever needing a key. - Do you remember it being a shed? Because this is a garage. - I'm sure it seemed smaller when I was a kid. - No, it'd be the other way around. - Ah. No. - When was the last time you were here? - Three or four, maybe. - Years ago? That's not that bad. - No, I was three or four years old. - Great. - Did we forget anything? - Are you sure about all this? You can still back out, and we can just have a nice, relaxing weekend and enjoy each other's company. - Absolutely not. This trip could change my life. It could change everything. I know it's a Hail Mary, but go big or go home, right? - Home is where the heart is. - Unrelated proverbs aside, I can feel it. She's gonna say yes this time. Let's do this. [clatters] Oh, jeez. - Let's use our flashlights... - Yeah. That was stupid to turn them off. - To exit. - [inhaling] [sniffing] - Where have you guys been? - Uh, just unpacking. Preparing for the big weekend adventure. - Always be prepared. - So, who wants to play a board games? - Well, I'm bored already, so... - Not technically a game. - Let's play "Life." I fucking rule at "Life." - Do you? - Yeah. - Okay. You set up the board. Then, s'mores by the campfire, huh? Then, before we go to bed, stargazing. The classic cabin in the woods experience. The classic cabin in the woods experience. [clears throat] - Oh, I'm cold, all of a sudden. - Really? I feel like it's really hot in here, no? I'm getting kind of sweaty. - I'm going to the attic where my Aunt Stacy keeps a heating apparatus so that we may be warmer. - God, he's such a weirdo. - Yeah. Uh, let's find some sweet tunes, huh? - Yeah, whatever it is, could it not be ukulele music? - No promises. [static on radio] - [groaning] This is an emergency broadcast for the Smithtown County area. - What is that? - Oh, I'm sure it's just a test. - This is not a test. - Oh. - This is a real life emergency situation. There have been multiple reports of a ravenous bear rampaging through the wooded areas around Lake George, including but not limited to Smithtown Ranch and Wilshire Woods. The bear has already taken the lives of three hikers and is considered extremely dangerous. Until further notice, stay in your homes, lock your doors, and shut your windows. And if you have removed any articles of clothing, keep them removed. Be smart, be vigilant. That is all. - What the hell? - Dude, look what I found in the attic. Oh! Score! - Gross. You can't keep wine in an attic. - There's a bear on the loose, and it's gonna kill us all. - Yeah, no. Fuck this. We're going home. And I'm getting my cell phone. - I think my server is convinced that you are a complete fiction. - [laughs] What? - Listen, you'd better hurry and get here before I have another bottle of wine all by myself. - I can't really hear you 'cause-- What the fuck's that? - Hello? Hello? - Um, where did our phones go? - I don't think you're gonna like this, but I think the bear got them. - You're right. I don't like that. - Why would a bear want our phones? - I knew I should have washed my hands before I watched that goat video. - What? - My fingers were literally covered in tuna residue. - Bears can smell tuna residue a mile away. - Even in a hole? - Even in a hole. - None of this makes any sense. - Some of it makes a little sense. - Guys, you need to see this. - The bear slashed the tire. - Colin, you paid for the spare, right? - Yeah, totally. - The bear stole the spare tire. - Maybe I didn't get the spare tire. - Oh. - There's no reason to panic. - What are you gonna do? Gut the bear with your grandfather's rusty knife? - Maybe. - Harry, make yourself useful and open a bottle of that attic wine. - Well, yeah, I've had a good run. - No one's gonna die. This is all just an obstacle in our journey that we can overcome together. - Come together. - Assess, prepare, execute, conquer. We got this. - What is that? - It's just a mantra that he picked up at this leadership conference, and he won't shut up about it. - That sounds like a whole lot of bullshit. - No. No, no, it's not a mantra, and it is not bullshit. And it was a management conference. - Whatever you say. - Can and will be used against you. - Oh, that attic wine is the worst. - Now, we've accomplished the first task: assess. Now we need to... - Pizza. - Prepare. - Prepare. - So we should be okay, as long as we remain inside, but to make sure, I want to lock up every door and shutter every window. I do not want him seeing us and getting any ideas. - Or her. - Her? - Could be a sexy lady bear. - Sexy? - Also, they're afraid of loud noises, so let's get some pots and pans to bang together. - Bang together. - Yes. [both snickering] [phone rings] - Rick here. - Where the fuck have you been, Rick? [sirens blaring] - Well, I was just greeting-- - Never mind. You're gonna have to stay on until somebody can make it back to the station. A nasty car wreck, Route 4. Somebody hit a bear! Big fuckin' mess. Crashed into some dry brush, and started a big fuckin' fire. - Gosh. Is anyone hurt? - Hurt? No. More like burned to a fucking crisp! - Oh, jeez. Oh, no. - So look, man the phones. Don't leave the station under any circumstance. - Yes, sir. - And for the love of fucking God, do not let another goddamn bear die on your watch, or the Wildlife Commission's gonna have me by the balls. You were supposed to be tracking these fuckers. - I-I-- [dial tone] [sighs] Hm. - Okay, this is weird. You know, how Colin proposed? - Yeah. - Well, I might have... kind of accidentally told him that I was super afraid of bears. - Well, props on the weirdest rejection ever. - He thinks I'm perfect. Do you know how much pressure it is to try to be perfect? - This is perfect. - Mm-hmm. - After all these months of planning, I can't believe it's actually gonna happen. Are you ready for this? - I was born ready. - You were born a month early. - Because I was ready. - Relationships are supposed to be about accepting a person's flaws and loving them anyway, not thinking the person doesn't have any in the first place. So he asked me to tell him one of my flaws, and... - Fear of bears isn't really a flaw. - I'm not good on my feet. I had to bullshit something. - Did you? - You weren't there. He had these puppy dog eyes. It was so sad. - You couldn't have... I don't know, tried being honest? - What does it matter? We're here, in this stupid cabin, being hunted by a bear, and it just feels so-- - Ironic. - I was gonna say suspiciously implausible. [howling] Oh, God. [girls screaming] [snarling] [girls whimpering] - There! [snarling, growling] [animal cries] [all scream] - What the hell? What is it? - A coyote, maybe? - Coyote? No, that's no coyote. That's a bear. [howling] [all gasp] - A raccoon puppet. - Uh, I think it's just half of a raccoon. - Oh. - Oh, the bear was just here. Jesus Christ. - It kind of looks like Ranger Rick. - The popular Boy Scout mascot? - Yeah. - I don't think he was that popular. Actually, I don't think he was the Boy Scout mascot. - You're right. Ranger Rick was the raccoon mascot of the National Wildlife Federation children's magazine. - What the fuck are you guys talking about? We were almost just killed. - Get, get, get, get. - [whimpering] What's happening to me? - Don't worry. It's just a nosebleed. - You've been doing coke, like, the entire time we've been here. What did you expect? - This is getting out of control. We have got to contain this situation. Tammy... this is an intervention. - This entire trip has been an intervention for me? - Yes. - What? No. - No. - But your recreational drug use is ruining the trip. - Tammy, I know that we haven't known each other very long, but I don't like what the drugs do to you. - What--when did you have time to write that? - I think that if we are-- - Okay, okay, okay, okay. - I didn't know that you guys felt this way. I thought this was a vacation. - It is, just not for you. This trip is so that Quincy and I can work some things out. You and Harry are just here for moral support. - Oh. Okay. - Give me the cocaine you brought. - [groans] - You can have it back when you leave. Cocaine is gonna do nothing but ruin this trip for everyone. - [groans] - Hide this somewhere. Harry. Somewhere over there. [animal breathing hard, growling] [water running] - Colin, why are we really here? I know that there's something you're not telling me. - That's crazy. We're here because I love you. That's the truth. - You know, if you wanted to open up, we could have a talk or something. - It's just our chance to get away from it all. Just enjoy each other's company. - Right. In a romantic cabin in the woods. In the middle of nowhere. Where no one can hear you scream. - Which means we can scream as loud as we want. - I'm exhausted. - I know things haven't gone exactly as planned, but I'm just glad to be here with you. - Oh, and tell Harry to back off of Tammy. She doesn't need another unhealthy relationship. - Uh, okay. - What? - I don't really think he's looking for a relationship. - Those two are not right for each other. - [yawns] [both scream] - Oh, that smells awful. - Yeah. Who knows how long it's been baking up there in that attic? - Mm. - Cheers. - Cheers. Harry, what do you do? - Well, I'm an artist. - Really? What kind? - Primarily of the sandwich persuasion. - Could you make me one? - Yeah. Right now? - Yeah. I'm starving. I don't think we've eaten anything this entire trip. - Hmm. You're right. Hmm. So, what is your... sandwich? - Reuben, probably. - I mean metaphorically. - Oh. I want to own my own vintage clothing store. I mean, it's stupid. I know. - No. No, it's not. I like old clothes. I've had this shirt for, like, 15 years too. - I-I noticed. Mostly I just work as a nanny. - I love kids. I have a, um... a savings account set up for my child's college fund. - You have kids? - No, no. No, I don't. But one day. - That's definitely the sweetest thing I've ever heard. - Well, wait till you hear your own moans... after taking a bite of this fucking sandwich. - Mmm. Mmm. - Mm-hmm. - [sighs] You know, I hope one day someone loves me as much as Colin loves Quincy. - Uh, careful what you wish for. - What's that supposed to mean? - I mean--no, I mean, love is great and all. It's just, like, a little wacko to arrange a whole bear hunting trip just so he can propose. Am I right? - What? - What are you doing? You weren't supposed to tell her. both: Tell me what? - God damn it. So there I am, down on one knee, more nervous than you have ever been in your entire stupid life, and she says... - [slo-mo] No. - You know why? Apparently I put her on a pedestal, and I don't understand her flaws, which is crazy, because she's perfect, right? So I asked her to name one flaw--just one. And she finally opened up to me. Now, I thought that we knew everything about each other, but it turns out she has an-- both: Overwhelming fear of bears. - Wait. You know about this? Why would she keep that from me? - [sighs] Hey, guys... [insect buzzing] There's probably something I should tell you. - Wait. Just bear with us. - So all I have to do is help Quincy overcome her fear. Then she'll realize that she's perfect like I've always known, and then we can get married. - Okay, so, tomorrow, we go out to hunt the bear-- I.e. me in a bear costume that I bought, that was surprisingly expensive. - Right. - 'Cause I'm broke. - Okay. You kept the receipt? - I did. - Okay. So, Quincy shoots the bear with a blank. Harry plays dead. - [groans] - Quincy overcomes her fear, Harry rips off the bear mask, gives me the ring, and Quincy and I live happily ever after. - So there isn't a real bear out there? - Nope. It's all part of the plan. - What about the raccoon? - Oh, that was all Harry's idea. Great work, by the way, with the whole roadkill thing. - Right. - I really wish I'd thought of that. - And the radio? - You'd be surprised how easy it is to reverse the transmission on a shortwave radio. - That's the dumbest fucking plan I've ever heard. - No, you don't even know the half of it. [upbeat music] - The evidence is clear. This wild animal isn't messing around, and I don't think pots and pans are gonna be enough. That raccoon was just the beginning. - Ranger Rick. - And now things are about to get grizzly. - It's actually mostly black bears around here. - I don't know what we did to piss off that bear, but we need to take care of it before it takes care of us. - The ranger specifically said hunting season's over. - This isn't hunting. This is self-defense. - Now, I'm not a lawyer-- - Ugh, it's not like bears are endangered. I mean, are they? - You know what is endangered? Our relationship, and I'm not gonna let some bear keep me from enjoying a romantic weekend with the love of my life... and Harry... and Tammy. - [retches] Okay. I'm ready. [ukulele playing] - Going on a bear hunt Tromping through the trees Going to shoot an animal Even though Ranger Rick said we shouldn't This ragtag merry bunch of friends-- - Do you want me to smash that ukulele? Because I will. Right over your thick skull. - Ukulele. - Yeah. That. - It's pronounced "ukulele." - Do you even know where we are? - Yeah. I spent every summer in these woods as a kid, ages two to four. I know them like the back of my hand. - How many freckles? - I can't. - What? - How many freckles on the back of your hand? - Oh. Uh, 12. - Did you hear that? - Oh, no. I hope it's not a bear. - Don't worry. I'll keep us safe. - Oh, crap. I forgot my...notebook. - Why do you need a notebook? - Uh--what I-- - Because he wrote his bear tracking strategies in the notebook. - Oh, yes, the bear tracking strategy's in the notebook. - And you can't track a bear without a strategy. - That's what I always say. - Mm-hmm. - What? - Yeah. Okay, so... don't go too far. I'll be right back. - What the hell is going on? [voicemail beeps] - Hey, baby, I'm calling you from a pay phone at the airport. I left my cell phone in the cab like an idiot, but it's all right, 'cause the pitch went great. I couldn't have done this without you. Listen, I know things haven't been ideal lately. If you told me a year ago that I'd lose my job in the city and end up living in our summer home, I wouldn't have believed you. At least we got to keep all that wine, huh? Oh, thanks for sticking with me, babe. I think things are turning around. Don't finish unpacking just yet. See you soon. Love you. [frantic music] - [panting] [leaves rustling] - So what's going on with you and Harry? - What? Nothing. I just met him. - That hasn't stopped you before. - Thanks for keeping track. - [whispers] Guys... - What is it? - Shh, shh, shh. - Ugh. [suspenseful music] [branch cracks] [all gasp] - We have to get inside... now. - Who are you? - Haven't you heard? - No. That's why I asked. - There's a bear on the loose. - That's why we're out here. It's nice to meet you. I'm Quincy. Quincy Adams. - The radio specifically said to stay indoors. [indistinct radio chatter] Direct orders. - Finally, somebody with some sense. Let's get out of here. Oh, you hit the gym, huh? - Nature is my gym. - Thank you so much, but we don't need rescuing. - You think because you got your hands on a bear rifle, it means you actually have what it takes to kill one? Hunting bears isn't about this. It's about this. We should retreat to your cabin. Follow me. - I'm coming. - If he sees Harry in the bear costume-- - He's gonna shoot him for real. - Nice place you got here. Makes mine look like an old shanty held together with garbage and tree sap. - I'm sure yours is fine. - For me, maybe. Not for you lovely ladies. But let's not get caught up playing "whose cabin are we in?" I heard, on my police scanner, some lady crashed her car straight into a large male bear. Bam! - Oh! - Killed it dead. Now, what that means is that his mate is out there, and she is angry. Do you have any idea what a female bear will do to avenge a loved one? Well... I'll spare you the gory details, but I've seen firsthand what those five-inch claws can do. That hunter didn't last long when he small intestine was painting the ground a pretty shade of crimson, and all he could do was pick his own guts up in his hand and scream, "Why?" Then the bear ripped off his hand, too. - Who are you? - Oh. Pardon my manners. I don't get much human interaction these days. The name is Hudson. You can call me Hud. I'm a self-trained wilderness soldier. You three are safe with me. - Wait. Where's Harry? - [panting] [grunting] [dramatic music] - Well, your friend's on his own now. And I know it feels wrong, but sometimes you got to make the tough calls. - Nobody is making any calls. - Yeah, the phones got eaten. - They're getting smarter. - Okay, so what's the plan and how are we getting out of here? - Well, you got a car? That's our best hope. I would offer mine, but it isn't exactly road-worthy. I put it up on cinder blocks a few years back. A family of raccoons has since taken up residence there. The trash birds, I call them. [sighs] Poor raccoons. They seemed to be mourning this morning. [raccoons chittering] They lost one of their own to the bear. - It's Ranger Rick. - Don't even get me started on that pansy-ass son of a bitch! - Wait, the forest ranger? - No, the popular Boy Scout mascot. - Really? - No, the forest ranger! - He's not a Boy Scout mascot. - Ooh, before I forget, I have a request. - A request? Of course. Anything you want, I will get right on that. - Great, because I need batteries. - Batteries. - Of the D variety. - Great. Okay. Let's all find Hudson some batteries, and that way he can go home and recharge whatever critical piece of technology he owns. - I don't appreciate your sarcasm. If it wasn't for me, you'd be up-- - Colin, we need to talk. [exclaims] - Who the hell are you? - Harry. Harry Jameson. - One does not simply burst into another man's residence, Harold Jameson. - Wait, it's my aunt's cabin. - Oh. Why didn't you say so? Do you know where your aunt keeps the D batteries? - What? No. I'm sorry. - It's okay. You don't have to apologize. You should know, I once killed a man who scared me like that. The year was 1994, and I hadn't eaten a proper meal in six days. I'd gone on an exploratory rafting mission, but there's been heavy rains, and then damn rapids must have been a class six. Before I knew it, bam! [all scream] - Capsized. I swam ashore and ended up in the woods, much like the ones you're in now, and on the fifth day, I had to make a decision: die of starvation, or eat my only friend in the world... - The squirrel? - Have I mentioned any other friends in the story? - No, you have not. - So, there I was, holding him just inches from my mouth, drooling for sustenance... [chittering] But I couldn't. So I put him down. [somber music] I looked him straight in the eye... - The squirrel? - Yes, you fuck. And I told him-- I told him it's the end of the road for us. [chittering] And it didn't matter how much I loved him. We couldn't survive together any longer. So I set him free. - [sighs] That's beautiful. - Wow, okay. Great story. I guess it's safe to say that we're safe, so you can head on home now. - No, the story's not over. Not even close. - Oh, wow. Great. Okay, uh... In that case, I need to use the bathroom. Harry? Oh, what? You two can go to the bathroom together, but it's weird when guys do it? [overlapping agreement] - Okay, then I need your help in... the hallway. - Are you gonna shit in the hallway? - What? No. Yes. Come on. - Sorry. Sorry sorry. - What took you so long? We were waiting out there. - I'm, like, really sorry, but look, we should have done a dress rehearsal or something. - You know that we didn't have the time or the money for real rehearsals. - I couldn't get the costume on by myself, and then, when I did, I could hardly see out of it. - Man, I am tired of the excuses, all right? We have a real problem. - I know. - Yeah, the crazy woodsman. - The bear. - Wait, what? - There's a real bear out there, man. - What do you mean there's a real bear out there? - You know, "Roar, I'm gonna eat you"? That kind of a thing. - Really? - Yeah. - Uh, I think I read that bears are more afraid of us than we are of them. - Oh, I've not read that. - We will be fine. Well, I will be fine. Hudson has a real gun, and if he sees you dressed as a bear, he's gonna shoot you and mount your head on his wall. - I spent two days without him, and I knew that I had a task to accomplish, but I couldn't let my human emotions get in the way. - You're a really passionate guy, and I find that really attractive in a man. - Really? - What? - Could you just excuse us for one second? Come on. Sorry. - I don't mean to be the voice of reason here, but maybe we should call it quits. Look, I didn't sign up for a real bear. I didn't sign up for a real gun. Technically, I didn't sign anything, except for the receipt for the bear costume, which put me into overdraft, just so you know. - Whoa, what are you doing? Are you hitting on that guy? - What? No. He's just had a very interesting life. Besides, my therapist said that no feelings are bad feelings, except shoulder tension. - We are so close. I can't do this without you. - Why is it such a big deal to propose to her like this? - I don't know. [sighs] I just want to give Quincy a reason to stay with me. - She has enough reason to be with you, all right? You love her like crazy. You're a handsome fellow. You've got a good job. - Had. - Oh. - I haven't told Quincy yet. - [exhales sharply] Okay, okay.. I have a plan, all right? Now, you turn the radio on, and you make sure that Hudson is listening. [suspicious music] - Where are the girls? - Uh, lady problems. - What does that even mean? Don't answer that. Let's take a break from all this craziness and go listen to the radio. - I love radios. - Yeah. Great. - I'd really appreciate it if you stopped hitting on Harry. You were supposed to be my friend on this trip. You remember that? - Look, I know that I just met Harry, but I think I really like him. And why can't you just be happy for me? - I would be happy for you if I thought that it was going to work. Look, Colin even said-- No, you know what? I shouldn't say anything. - Shouldn't say anything about what? - Colin said that Harry isn't interested in you. That you two are just not right for each other. Harry is a huge idiot, but at least he has standards. - What's that supposed to mean? - You know, I don't even-- I don't--I literally don't know anything. I haven't known a goddamn thing since we showed up to this place. Everyone's acting weird, you included, and now I just want some wine. Where'd Harry put that nasty attic wine? In the attic? Thank you. [sighs] He probably just didn't want to hurt your feelings. [static on radio] - [moaning] This is an emergency alert from the Smithtown County area. [clears throat] Residents are advised to stay inside their homes. Emergency teams will be coming door to door delivering care packages filled with water, bear repellant, and D batteries. That is all. - What are you doing? - Uh-oh. - Uh, well, buddy, I guess you'd better get home so you can get your D batteries or whatever. - Too risky. Could be a trap. - A trap set by who? The bear? - That's the dumbest fucking plan I've ever heard. - You just have to promise not to let Colin know that you know. - Plus they're gonna be bringing a care package here, too, right? - Right. - So? - Oh, God damn it. - This is ridiculous. - He has worked so hard on this, Quincy. Please play along, for his sake. - Okay, just wait here. Just wait. - This is all for you! This whole weekend! All of it! Just because he loves you. - [sighs] - What was she doing in here? - No, it's not what it looks like. - What does it look like? - It's just an expression. And don't worry, I covered. She doesn't know about the plan. She just wanted the nasty attic wine. - Hudson didn't go for it. - What? - It was a good try, but we're gonna have to find another way to distract him. - I'll distract him. - Great. How? - I'll show you what it looks like to lead someone on. I don't care if he can make sandwiches or not. I mean, he's really attractive, right? He's got a great body. That's always been enough in the past. [sniffles] - So what is your plan, exactly? - I said I would handle it, okay? Jesus! [crying] - Does Hudson really have that great of a body? - I'd say a seven. - A seven? - But I'm not really into flannel, so I might not be the best person to ask. We may have been interrupted, but nothing has changed. The bear is still out there, and we need to hurry, because if we lose the sun, the bear has the advantage. - Can bears see in the dark? - It's, like, midday. - Exactly. - Where are Tammy and Hudson? - I thought you said there were batteries in here. - [gasps] - Hi. - They'll catch up with us. Let's go. - Did you hear that? They're gone. - Which leaves you and me all alone. - Has nothing I've said gotten through to you people? They'll die out there. - They'll be fine. - If only there had been time to tell the rest of my story. Two days after I let my squirrel go, I realized I wasn't alone. There was a band of hillbillies hunting me. - Shh. Has anyone ever told you how good you look in flannel? Like a normal-sized Paul Bunyan. Mm. - You seem like a... nice girl, but-- - I'm not a nice girl. [both moaning] [phone rings] - Rick. [phone rings] Rick. - Where the fuck have you been, Rick? Never mind. This goddamn fire burned up right up to a cave. Trapped a bear inside, Rick. Had to listen to the fucker for six hours. You ever hear a bear scream? - Oh, no. Is there anything I can do? - What are we? A couple of schoolgirls comparing tit sizes? Of course there's something you can do. You can go out there and track these goddamn bears. One more dead bear on your watch, and I will see to it that you will never work another fucking day in your fucking life! [bear roars] Holy shit! What the fuck was tha-- [dial tone] [clatters] [upbeat music] - Uh, according to this data-- intel all we need to do is go that way. - Oh yeah? You sure about that book there? - Mm-hmm. - You--Maybe I should, you know, take a look? - No! I need to pee. - Well, pick a tree. - I mean, I need trail mix. [dramatic music] [frantic music] [suspenseful music] [frantic music] - We're too exposed. We shouldn't be out in the open like this. - You're right. Let's do it in there. [both breathing heavily] [spits] [both moaning] - [grunting] - Mel. [suspenseful music] Babe? - I love sex! [grunting] [crying] [both grunting] - [crying] [voicemail beeps] - Hey, Mel, I know I'm not supposed to call the house. I'm sorry, but it's just I tried your cell and it went straight to voicemail. I'm worried. Where are you? They're about to close the restaurant. - We should get out more. This is nice. [both grunting] - Hey, babe, I'm calling you from a payphone at the airport. I left-- [beeps] - Mr. Carter, this is officer Berkley. I'm calling you from Grace Hospital. Your wife's been-- your wife's been in a car accident. The same wreck that started the fire we've been dealing with. I need you to come to the hospital as soon as possible. She's--I can't say any more over the phone. I need you to come in. - The fuck? [bear grunting] - Hey! Come on! Hey! Hey! [bear roars] - Oh! - [howling] - Oh... [bear growling] [screaming] - [yelling] - [screaming] [both shouting] - [screaming continues] - Wait. What was that? - I don't know. Was it the bear? - Oh. Look, baby. There. There it is. - This is like a nightmare come true, but it's also strangely romantic. What do I do? - Shoot it. - Okay. [sighs] - Okay, now, deep breaths. Steady your hands. Now on three, I want you to exhale and squeeze the trigger. Don't pull... - Mm-hmm. - Squeeze. One... two... - Stop! Don't! [whistle blows] - [shouting] - [grunting] - Rawr! - Shh. Shh. Did you hear that? - Oh. Sounded like a rape whistle? - A bear whistle. - Ooh! [groans] - I specifically told you hunting season was over! Specifically! I remember, because I forgot to tell the last group of folks, and that really came back to bite me in the butt. Pardon my language. - I can assure you this is all just a big misunderstanding. - Yeah, we weren't actually gonna shoot a bear. - How would you know what I was going to do? You were obviously preoccupied. - Eh! We were preoccupied. - It's not you two I'm worried about. It's these ones. It's just-- I just-- Specifically! - It won't happen again, I promise. - And why in God's good name would I believe you'd keep your promise? - Rick, you're just gonna have to take my word on this one. - People think that just because of my gentle disposition that they can take advantage of me, but I will not allow another bear to die on my watch. - Out of season. - Well, yes. Out of season. Of course. Do you even have any idea what kind of danger you were in? - That is exactly what I have been saying. These people blatantly ignored the radio broadcast. - Radio broadcast? - You ignored the second radio broadcast. - I don't appreciate your tone. If it wasn't for me, you'd be-- - Jiminy Christmas! [breathing hard] You shouldn't scare me like that. I'm a man on the edge. - Sorry? - Who are you? - Harry. all: It's his aunt's cabin. - Oh, why didn't you say so? - Well, Rick, thanks so much for stopping by, but if you're done, we have some unfinished business we need to attend to. - Oh, I finished. - I most certainly am not done. I am not leaving here until I get through to you people. It's my job on the line here! Not to mention the well-being of the wildlife. - Just tell us what we need to do to make it right. Whatever it takes. - Well... your aunt sure does make a mean lemonade. Had a boatload of sugar. I never could resist. - I'll make us all some lemonade. - I will, too. - Much obliged. [sighs] - [groans] - If you had been there sooner, we could have done it. - Been there sooner? - Yeah, I was counting on you. - Dude, it was horrible. I was stuck in-- - Just stop. Now with Ranger Rick breathing down our necks, we're never gonna be able to execute this as we planned. There's too many elements to reassess. - No. - You really think a little lemonade is gonna placate him? - Yes. No. Oh! Lemonade and sandwiches. [plucky music] - Shit. What's this doing out? [birds chirping] [suspenseful music] This whole thing has gone so wrong. - Do you see this? Huh? This tiny, expensive piece of rock is all you need to focus on. Now listen to me, okay? We're gonna reassess, ponder plans of conquests that we'll execute: APEC. APEC. APEC. Okay. Now listen. We can still do this. [dramatic music] - Oh, thank God. I'm starving! - [belches] - I always forget how much a good fucking works up an appetite. - You know, I think you boys may have forgotten the one thing I specifically asked for: - Sugar. - See? You did hear me. - [chuckles] I, uh--I put in a whole bag of sugar, Mr. Ranger Rick. But if you want more, your wish is my command. - No, I got it. [dramatic music] - [gasps] Fuuuck. - Well? - Hmm? - What's the holdup? - Oh, nothing. Here you go, Ranger Rick. - [chuckles] - [groans] - Oh, thanks, boys. You know, I think that I have found a way to settle this whole thing. Now, if you'd sign there agreeing not to hurt any bears... - Wait. When did you have time to write this? - Now, we'll seal the deal with a glass of the old yellow. - Cheers. - [indistinct mumbling] - No! Ooh! Okay! Okay! Um, Hudson's choking. Hudson's choking. Come on. Come on, man. Come on. Oh, yeah, I'll save you. Harry's got you. Yeah. Yeah, don't go towards the light! - Stop! Stop! [overlapping shouting] - [gulps, belches] There we go. Problem solved. - We have a problem. - Just one? - I lost the ring. - Oh, shit. - Okay. I am gonna ask you two questions, Harry, and you need to be honest with me. Where is the ring, and why did you just molest Hudson? - Okay. I can kill those two birds with one stone. The ring is inside Hudson. - What? - Listen. I've been nothing but supportive with you on this trip, and I'd appreciate it if you didn't take that tone of voice with me, mister. - You let a stranger eat my grandmother's wedding ring. - I guess it fell into the sandwich. I am sorry. - Okay. I'm sure he didn't mean it. - You can take your sympathy and get--get rid of it. - Didn't mean it? Oh, he didn't mean it? Oh, that makes everything better, doesn't it? I'm just gonna propose to Quincy by wrapping a fucking twig around her finger! - Twigs don't really bend. - She's gonna say no anyway. - You need to solve this now, all right? We are moving forward with this plan whether you like it or--what did you just say? - I said she doesn't love you. - That's not what you said. - It was implied, Harry. - What are you talking about? We're working things out. - She only came on this trip because she's too much of a little pussy to confront her problems directly. She met somebody else. Look, I'm sorry, dude. - Oh. - Also, it's probably a good time to tell you, Quincy--well... - Just spit it out. How much worse can it get? - Okay. Okay. She knows about the plan. But buddy, don't worry, 'cause it's gonna be okay. - Abort mission. - Now look what you did. You didn't have to tell him that. - What, you really think he would be better off living in some fantasy where he makes some grand romantic gesture and lives happily ever after? - Maybe. I want him to be happy. - Yeah? Well maybe that's your problem, you know? You're just trying to please everybody. If you didn't like me, then you shouldn't have led me on like that. - I do like you. - Exactly. Wait, what? - Why wouldn't I like you? You're enthusiastic. You have a great...taste in sandwiches, and you're helping me and Colin even though you know this is a bad idea. - Then why did you tell Colin that you weren't interested in me? - I never said that. - No. When I told Quincy-- [groans] Fucking cunt face. Oh, God, that means that I slept with Hudson for no reason. - I...watched you and Hudson... fucking each other. - What did you just say? - I was in the garage. - I'm so sorry. - Yeah, me, too. - Look, I only did it because I was mad at Quincy, and we had to find some way to distract him, and I just-- I was faking it the whole time. Could you just say something? - I've seen you naked. - And? - Oh, yeah. It was good. Except for the man that was inside of you. That was bad. Oh, also, I should mention that Colin poured all of your cocaine into the lemonade. - Wait, all of it? - Mm-hmm. Yeah. - Oh, shit, man. I was wondering why I felt so...rrr! - Uh! Yeah. Look, so, what should we do? - I have an idea. [clangs] [upbeat music] - Harry, what are you doing? - Saving your marriage. Oh, Aunt Stacy. God. No. No, no, no, no, no, no! Here we go. Here--C. C. Fuck it. Okay. Melanie Carter. Melanie Carter. Melanie Carter. No time, Harry. A-ha! Ha ha! Laxatives! Of course this is my aunt's cabin, and what's more, Tammy and I, we have a plan. Come hell or high water, we are gonna do exactly what we came here to do: trick Quincy into shooting a fake bear so she can be perfect and you two can get married. - Harry, she knows about the plan. The jig is up. - Oh! Yeah, I know she knows about the plan, but she doesn't know that you know that she knows about the plan. - This is getting confusing. - In the best way. - Yeah. Yeah. - Yeah. - Let's do this. Okay, this is just an obstacle that we need to overcome. Assess. Prepare. - No! No. Up. No more mantra. - It's not a mantra. - Life isn't black and white. You can't solve all your problems with four little words! Sometimes, you got to get creative: fuck shit up. - You're right. - Yeah, I know. Now, first thing's first. We're being hunted. There's still a real bear out there. We got to stay safe and stay vigilant. If we've removed any articles of clothing in the past 24 hours, we've got to keep them off, just like the radio said. - But that was you on the radio. - Yeah. - Okay. So what's the plan? I feel like I'm ready for anything. - That's just natural love feelings. It's in no way related to all the cocaine that we drank. - Okay. So what do we do. Wait. What? - Oh, fuck. You got about two clicks to get Hudson to drink all this laxative. You're my best-looking friend. [grunts] - So I went for it. There was no stopping to me. I was a killing machine. Those damn hillbillies never stood a chance. - What are you guys even talking about? Why are you even here? Where is everybody? - This lemonade tastes different than I remember. It's bitter. Doesn't taste good. I want more of it. - Colin, where were you? - Hudson, you don't have nearly enough ice in your glass. I am gonna get you some more quick. You don't either. Ice for everybody. - I love ice. [frantic music] - Here you go. Wait, no! Wait, no! That's not right. Shit! - What are you doing? - Uhh. Why don't you just have both of these, Hudson? - If you insist. - No, I want some more. - I bet you can't drink both of those before I drink just one glass. - Watch and learn, punk. - You beat me, Hudson. I guess you really are the bigger man, huh? - There's that sarcasm again. - Well, you are a bit bigger. - You better count your lucky stars, boy. If it wasn't for me... - The bear got Tammy. - This is exactly what I've been warning you people about. I'll save you, Tamantha! - No, don't you hurt that bear! - Now, tie him up. both: What? - Colin, you got to trust me, okay? Tie up Ranger Rick so he can't leave this house, or he'll spoil this whole thing with one little blow of his rape whistle. [gasps] [somber music] My ukulele. - Why do we have to tie him up? Couldn't you-- - There's no time! [dramatic music] - Tammy! Tammy, where are you? - Oh! Whoa! The bear took her this way. Yeah, follow me. Yeah. - Please don't do this. You can't kill that bear. Hasn't the fire already claimed enough ursine lives? - Fire? - Ursine? - The huge fire that's devastated the woods during your whole visit. From the car wreck. - I can't believe that you're doing this. - We are doing this. - No, because if we get arrested I will be claiming otherwise. - Nobody has to get arrested. If you let me go, we'll pretend it never happened. - You just stay put, and I will explain everything when we get back. - Bears are just like you and me, Colin. Don't you get it? They live, they love. When they itch, they desperately seek a scratch. When they hunger, they hunt for salmon. - I don't care. - Don't do it! [clatters] - Oh, Jesus, uh... - Don't! Don't. Don't do it. [frantic music] - Let's do this! [upbeat music] - Are you sweaty? I'm so sweaty. - It's the woods, baby. Everything's sweaty in the woods. [spits] This track is fresh. This way. - There we were, just me and the last damn hillbilly. I'd already slaughtered his entire plans, but he was-- [bear panting] Whoa. - Ooh. You got to use the bathroom now, Hudson? - In fact, I think I do, all of a sudden. - Yes. Yes. Yes. - Shh. Shh. There it is. Okay, baby, this is it. - I know this isn't conventional, but it's kind of sweet, and I don't know if it's love, but my heart's beating out of my fucking chest. - Life will never be boring with me, Quincy. I can promise you that. Let's shoot this bear. - Let's kill this fucker. - Oh. Ooh. [grunting] - How's it going over there, Hudson? - Damn. I think the cheese on that sandwich must have got me all blocked up. - What? No. No, you have to poop, Hudson. You have to poop now. Just empty your bowels. - What the hell are you talking about? - If you poop now, Hudson... Hmm? I have a prize for you. [clicking] - D batteries? You found them? - What? No. No. No. You don't get them till after you poop. - Hand them over, boy. - No. You don't get them until after. - You son of a bitch. [grunts] - Ha ha ha ha! Poop time, and then battery time, okay? - Bitch. - [breathing shakily] Never fuck with another man's batteries. - You're not Tammy. - Victory! - Oh, fuck me. Oh! [bear roars] [screaming] [gunshot] - [screams] - Motherfucker! - What was that? - Follow me! - You killed her. - Damn right I did. - Where did you hit her? There's no bullet wound. - Please help me, God, in my moment of need. There's a bear out there. A bear who needs me. [bear breathing] - Fainting bear! [bear roaring] - Clever girl. - That poor, innocent creature is alone, helpless, scared. - Shit. - And if I don't save it, I'm afraid it's gonna be up there with you in bear heaven before too long. - Oh, bitch, no! - Hudson! I'll save you! [groaning] Fuck that shit! - These are C batteries, you fuck! [bear roaring] [screaming] - A forest ranger all I've ever known. The only thing I've ever been good at. If you help me, I promise to protect your woodlands. [Tammy groaning] - I will not fail you now, God. I am not going down without a fight. [laughing] - Okay, Harry. You can come out. We did it. - [panting] - Tammy? Where's Harry? - He should be here any second with the ring. - Oh, my God. - I thought that thing was supposed to be loaded with blanks! - There must have been a mix-up with the guns. - Oh, I shot Tammy. [Harry screaming] - Oh, my God! [screaming] - The bear got Hudson! - Harry, you can drop the act. She knows that I know that she knows. - No! No, it's not an act. - Where's the ring? - Where's Hudson? - To kill another two birds with one stone, or to have killed a total of four birds with two stones-- - Harry! - Hudson is inside the bear. - I thought I was the bear. - Nobody cares about your sex life. - No! The real bear! - I thought there wasn't a real bear. - There is a definitely a real bear. - Come on, lady bear. Where are you? [bear tracker beeping] Rick's coming to save you now. Rickety Rick to the rescue. Rickety Rick. Ricky, I'm getting you. It's close by. I know you're here. Well, there's a-- What? Wait a minute. Is this-- Oh, no. Oh, no! Oh, no! Oh, sweet Lord, no! [screaming] - Hudson's dead? He and I just-- - He died the way he lived: overly concerned with batteries. - It wasn't supposed to happen like this. - You always take everything too far. I don't even know why I went along with this stupid plan. - I'm sorry. I just wanted it to be-- - No. - God damn it. - Ugh. So are you gonna apologize for shooting me or just pretend like it never happened? - That wasn't my fault. That gun was supposed to be loaded with blanks. - You ever think about anybody but yourself? - What are you complaining about? You've gotten to fuck everyone on this trip. - 100% of the people that I have fucked on this trip are now dead. - What was I thinking putting you in a cabin with a couple of guys? - Quincy, I slept with Hudson for you, because I thought that this stupid plan had some chance of helping you find happiness, but all you get off on is making other people miserable. - Yeah. - Shut up, Harry. - You leech off Colin. You're nothing but a leech. - You have no idea what you're talking about. I give him everything. - You give him false hope. - You broke my ukulele. - You are an idiot, truly. - I'm not an idiot. - Yes, you are. - I am not an idiot! Colin is so high strung. Everybody is. Look, life is always a little bit awful, and if I can play the fool, make people laugh, maybe that's what everybody needs to get them through the heartache. Now for the love of God, would you go apologize to the guy who's so crazy about you he convinced us to put ourselves in danger just so he could be romantic? - Colin. - Hey, you don't have to-- - No, I do. Because I haven't been 100% honest with you and I need to tell you something. I... - Just spit it out. - [sighs] - Colin, Quincy has been seeing someone else. - I've been seeing my therapist. both: What? - I thought you were seeing some guy from the gym. - I met him at the gym. He's a physical therapist. - Oh, that makes so much more sense. His advice was the worst. - I got laid off about a month ago and I have been hiding that from you. [both inhale sharply] - We're gonna--we're gonna give you two a moment. - This was fucked from the beginning. - No. - Such a stupid, stupid idea. - No. - I'm sorry I lied to you. I just--I wanted everything to be perfect. [gentle music] - Nothing is perfect, Colin. - Thanks for going along with it anyway. It's pretty amazing of you. - Well, what was I supposed to do? I'm not good on my feet. I really thought that you were gonna get that promotion. - Yeah, so did I. - That was a really impressive speech you gave back there. - Oh, thank you. I wrote it myself. - Look, I know we just met, and maybe it's the cocaine talking or the adrenaline or the copious amounts of blood loss, but-- - Probably the copious amounts of blood loss. - You know, being around all that insane love, it makes me want something like that. I mean, not exactly like that, obviously, but something that's just-- - So... what's this about a therapist? - I don't know. I met him at the gym. Look, nothing has happened, but... [sighs] There's feelings. - Why did you even come on this trip? - Because we have been together forever and I don't know how to live without you. I just wanted to give us one last shot. - And? - Mm...I don't know. But... you have done all of this just for me, and that is by far the sweetest, weirdest thing that anyone has ever done for me. - I wish there was something I could do for Colin. I mean, we've come this far. - I think it's too late now. [sighs] Probably best to just throw in the towel. - Wait, what does that mean? - Dude, that's, like, a really common expression. - Maybe it isn't. - No, it totally is. - Maybe it isn't too late. Um, tie that around your leg like a tourniquet, because...let's do this. - So what now? This was the part where I was supposed to get down on one knee and ask you to marry me again, but the ring is gone, and somebody actually died because of me, because of something that I thought would be romantic. This whole trip was a lie inspired by a lie. Why did you tell me you were afraid of bears when I asked you to marry me the first time? - I don't know, but I'm kind of glad I did. Look, relationships? They're the worst. And what is marriage, anyway? - Yeah. You are nowhere near perfect. - That's what I've been trying to tell you. - You're selfish, and negative, and manipulative... - Okay, okay, but you have some serious control issues, and you're pretty much insane. But you're sneaky, because you look normal. - Literally nothing about this weekend was real. [dramatic music] But now it is. - What? - It is real. It is all real. The bear, the hunt, the danger. And I will tell you something else. My feelings are real! Come on! Harry! - Colin! both: We don't have much time, but if we act fast, I think we can still pull this off. - Whoa. You really think so? - I think so. But listen. I got to be honest with you, man. I think Quincy's horrible. Like, the worst. She's conceited, entitled. She's manipulative, she's lazy, she's boring, she broke my ukulele, but you love her, and that's enough for me, man. - And she can hear us right now. - Oh. - Harry, you're the best friend. - I know, also, I should probably tell you, I think we're staying in the wrong cabin. - We can't waste time playing "whose cabin are we in"? - No, we cannot. - What happened to your shirt? - Love happened. - Harry, I am gonna propose to that girl if it's the last thing I do! [both growling] Can you walk? - I can do anything. - Good, 'cause we're doing this. All we have to do is go back to the cabin, get Ranger Rick's bear tracker, find the bear, and shoot it with Hudson's real gun. Then I'll cut it open with my grandfather's knife so that I can get my grandmother's ring back and give Quincy the marriage proposal she deserves, no matter what her answer may be. Easy peasy. - Lemon squeezy. - No, no. No! - Don't worry. Don't worry. He can't have gone far. - Oh, yeah. That's the stuff. - Oh, oh, oh. Do you want an aspirin or something, maybe? Instead of... - Nope. - Okay. - Oh, fuck it. - Oh! - To Hudson. - To Quincy. - To me! - [screams] [all screaming] - Okay, here's the situation. - When did you have time to draw this? - Now. Hudson is inside the bear and the ring is inside Hudson. - Did the bear eat Hudson whole? - Oh, oh, oh, this is just my artistic interpretation. Don't worry about it. You still got that knife? [dramatic music] - Come on. Come on, lady bear. [branch snaps] - Now! - Now wait just a minute. - Quincy, stop him! - No! - Aah! - Quincy! - I'm not good on my feet! - [screams] - [grunts] Aah! No. Wait. No. No, no, no, no, no. Wait, wait, wait, wait. - Yeah! - Why? Why? - It's okay. They like trees. - That was such good teamwork. - You're amazing. - I would make you sandwiches forever. - Oh. Oh. Oh. - What's that beeping? - All right, listen here, Rick. Nobody has to get hurt. We just need to borrow your bear tracker. - You don't need the tracker to find the bear. - Oh, don't you play dumb with us, Rick! My ridiculous boyfriend has put a lot of effort into doing something that's making me feel good about myself, so don't fuck this up! - Yeah, give it to us, Rick! - You don't understand. You don't need the tracker. [dramatic music] [all scream] [gun clicking] - It's jammed! both: We're all gonna die! - Give me that. - No! [bear tracker beeping] [Rick crying] - Oh whoa whoa. - The plan, it--it worked. [both moaning] - This is for you, Quincy. [screaming] Oh! [grunting] [classical music] [dry heaving] [breathing heavily] [grunting] [indistinct radio chatter] What the hell? [inhales sharply] [grunting] [groaning] [grunting] [chuckling] Yes! [laughing] Quincy Adams, we are so fucked up. People are dead. You told me you were afraid of bears so that you wouldn't have to break up with me like a normal person. Who does that? But you know what? I don't care. Life is bloody, and it is dangerous, and I want to spend mine with you. Will you do me the honor of being my wife? Will you be Mrs. Quincy Dense? Quincy, will you marry me? - Colin... [stammers] [upbeat music] - I'm no historian I want to know how this story ends If I had a DeLorean I'd give you shotgun And amend with our red pens the sentences that offend Then go pull some pranks on our friends just for fun But that's dumb I've got a million words And still a few you haven't heard Like "I'm" and "so" and "sorry," But I can't find the one to make time go backwards I won't prevaricate I want a chance to demonstrate the ways I could make myself clear, but it's so opaque I know you'd see through it, so don't misconstrue this My life's so lugubrious when you're not here, my dear I've got a million words And still a few you haven't heard Like "I'm" and "so" and "sorry," But I can't find a one that wouldn't sound absurd to say It's only been a day, but it hurts [indistinct chatter] - Action. - Just--Just bear with us. Just...bear with us. Just bear with us. Just bear with us. [laughs] - My ukulele? [laughter] - You got me. - For me, maybe. Not for you, lovely ladies. But let's not get caught up playing "whose...line is it anyway?" [laughter] - Lemon squeezy. Lemon squeezy. Lemon squeezy. Lemon squeezy. Lemon squeezy. [laughter] Stay in your homes. Lock your doors. Shut your windows. Hide your kids, hide your wives, hide your husbands, 'cause he raping everybody out there. [laughter] Just... bear with us. Just...bear with us. Hey, you. Bear with us. - [screams] - Oh! Oh. - Hi. - I thought that would work better, and it did, but now we're here... - I'm hungry. - [snaps fingers] Let's have some love for dinner. [laughter] - [screams] - [screams] - Why... - Whoa! Because... - Would you do that? - For fun...time. - No! - For fun time? - No. - Sneak up on a girl in the night. - [groans] - Creeper? Creep her out? - Does that work for you? - Nope. I swear to God, I better make out with her by the end of this trip, or I'm gonna fucking cut my dick off. [laughter] - Cut. Cut. - Aah! You wouldn't hit a guy with glasses, would you? [laughter] - Cool your nuts. - Cool your nuts. - Young man. - You cool your nuts, young man. - [laughs] - Yes. And... - You don't even know the half of it. You don't even know the half...of it. You don't even know... the half of it. [laughter] [sniffing] I can smell your fear. [sniffs] It smells good. - [groans] Damn it. [laughter] - Tickle Why are you in my throat? - And away we go. I-- The car isn't moving, guys. - I didn't charge it. - 48, asshole, take three. [laughter] - Just bear with us. Just bear with us. Bear with us. [laughter] |
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