1
[Shower]
Can I join in?
-What are you doing here?
-Tyler invited me.
-A heads up would have been nice Ty.
-Oh, please, like you never had a three way in this
shower before.
Touch
Hey.
Wait, hold it. REALLY?!
Tyler! Tyler!
-Get up!
-You are such a buzz-kill.
How did you get in here?
He snuck in behind me.
Neanderthal! Hello, we have rehearsal in, oh, 20
minutes. Let's go.
Shit!
You're not just grey, you're going bald!
Get him out of our house.
I will cut you!
Um, yeah hi that's mine.
Come on, Michael's going to kill us.
Kill us?
-Oh, hold! Mike!
-Hey Michael how are you?
-Oh, I'm so glad I ran into you.
-Yeah, me too
-Hey, did you get my email about the tickets?
-I did, in a couple of days we're going to send out an
email-
The opening is a few weeks away and you are
definitely going to be there.
-We're so grateful!
-Good for you!
-Thank you so much!
-It's going to be a thrilling night.
I know.
Hey Michael!
Oh, Mark Anthony!
I'm good, Papa Bear. How are you?
-I could use 2 tickets.
No question, it's going to happen. I'm not going to
leave you alone on this island!
Oh, thank you!
Does this look ok?
You didn't even look!
-What are you so worried about?
-Michael says that this guy could bankroll the entire
film without blinking an eye.
And I need to impress him.
Yeah, what the world needs is another bear
documentary.
-Fuck it, I look terrible! I look awful.
-Babe, don't worry. Why are you getting all grizzly?
I know you just woke up from a very big
hibernation.
You're so cranky.
You haven't had enough berries.
Great, Great, are you done?
You will look totally woofy for this investor, now I'm
done.
Stop. Stop.
-I know you've never been into the whole bear
thing.
-It's not that I'm not into it, I love this t-shirt.
I don't know what the word is, I guess it's just
over-produced?
That's something we can explore in the
documentary.
-Is it?
This is the first movie I've ever made and I would
really love your moral support
You have my support.
-You also have his support, because he's so cute.
-He is so cute.
-I support you. Orally. Morally.
Thank you, great. That means so much to me but I
have one more thing I wanted to ask you.
-What?
-Is there any chance you could ask your mother if
we could stay at her place...
-You set me up.
-We would get amazing footage.
You used that cute face and you set me up.
Um, maybe?
Ok. I will ask her if she's full. Of herself. Ok, good
luck.
-Now go and maul a hunter or whatever it is you do.
-I will do that.
Um...you're so cute.
All we have to worry about is making the show
great. Don't even worry about all that
-Michael!
-Oh! Oh my god!
-How are you, sir?
-Fantastic.
Let me ask you a question, whose dick do I have to
suck to get 2 opening night tickets? I've been
calling everybody.
That dick would be mine.
All right, I'll do it here. I will if I got to but..
-Please just send them to me, me and Jen.
-No question, absolutely.
Ok, whatever you want, and then I want to talk to
you about Dogma the Musical.
-You and Ben Affleck. Get in line.
-All right.
Good seeing you.
Yeah beginning of September's great but I need to
set this by labor day.
It's very important.
It's crucial
I am the one who makes the decisions artistically
and creatively, besides the director.
I paid a lot of money for this.
I was thinking about this for the-
Yeah looks great hold on, hold on, hold on..
I'm so stressed about time-There's a deadline
-Take a look
-Ho..hold on.
You're not even paying attention.
Oh.Yeah. I'm sorry....What?
-Can I just get a second with you, please?
-Oh yeah!
Michael!
-It's so good to see you.
-Fantastic to see you!
I am hearing such amazing things about your show.
-It's going to be a great show and you have two
tickets to opening night.
-I am so there. And I don't have to pay for it?
-You don't have to pay.
-Good because I don't like to pay for
anything....well. sex...but nothing else.
All right you call me. You call me now. Make sure
Frank DeCaro has two tickets for opening night.
We're not going to dis Mr. Satellite Radio.
Yeah, absolutely.
Hey listen I have to go.
Inside the bar, baby.
-Osito I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
-Go inside.
Oh baby, I got to take this one call.
This is really, really important. Just one little phone
call.
No, I knew it was coming in. I'm sorry. Yeah, Michael
how are you?
You're home.
I'm home.
Hey. No hello?
Sorry.
Gin.
Don't start.
You're making lobster?
Trying.
Rehearsal not going well.
Yeah, rehearsal, the job.
Quit the job I'm sure Brett can find another bear cub
to make lattes.
-I can't do that and you know it.
Ty,just focus on your craft, the money will come
Where from, Roger?
As much as I love doing this pet project for
Michael...
No one's going to come to this show.
Um, I believe Michael got a Tony nomination for
one his pet projects not too long ago.
Hey.
What is going on with you?
Nothing.
Ty?
Roger what do you want me to say?
I feel like I'm not contributing anything around here
and what I do make of the little money I have goes
right to my damn student loans
I told you I would pay those off.
And that's what I'm talking about.
Ty. Come here.
Please.
So I put the lobster in and I just checked and it's not
dead.
Is the water boiling?
-Was it supposed to be boiling?
-Roger the flame's not on your torturing the poor
thing!
What's this?
I told you it wasn't dead.
Open it.
I, uh, don't know what to say.
You say yes.
I'm not ready to get married.
I'm sorry. I...
I get it, I get it. We haven't even been together as
long as our friends.
The age difference.
This is what I get for listening to my feelings.
Rog...
You ok?
See all those people walking The Highline?
To them their worlds are so big.
Their dreams. Their fears.
But from here they're just specks.
I like us being part of the same speck.
I just need more time.
Take all the time you need.
Rog...
I love you.
I know.
[on screen] Wisely and slow. They stumble that run
fast -Romeo and Juliet
[on screen] Shakespeare, Really theatre boy?
[on screen] What are you trying to slow down,
Juliet?
[on screen] Roger Proposed.
Oh my god, Roger proposed?! That's fantastic.
-You just scared the shit out me.
-Oh my god, I can't believe you're getting married.
Marriage is like the new black.
Wait. You're going to make me your bridesmaid or
whatever?
We need to celebrate. Roger's got some
champagne around here somewhere?
I said no.
You what?
Simon, I can't get married.
Why not? He's like cute. Or, you know, your kind
cute anyway...
Roger? Really?
You know there's a sex act named after Roger!
-I got to go!
-If that's the marrying kind...
Wait. Who is that, and why are you telling him when
you should be telling me?
Are you having an affair?
Simon!
-What? I thought you loved him.
-I do, I do but I don't know what to think.
What is the problem?
I love him, ok? But marriage is a huge step, I'm 23
years old.
Yeah, where is he anyway?
I don't know. He's downtown doing some business
thing--
See! There is the problem! I could care less or show
any interest in what he's doing and he is so good to
me
What did he do when you said no?
He boiled a lobster alive.
Like a sacrifice?
He cooked me a lobster dinner, Simon.
That is so romantic.
I mean it's OK, Ty.
If you're not ready, you're not ready.
I'm not.
And I can't stand that gay marriage is all of a
sudden legal in New York
and everybody wants to do it.
-Preach it, girl.
Now when I go sleep with somebody's husband,
they get all diva in a brides' dress on me.
So what did the rings look like? Not that it matters, I
know you're not ready.
They were beautiful, Simon. They were perfect.
Well did you tell him that?
-No.
-Good move.
So. Here's an idea.
Why don't you just get married at the court.
And if you don't chicken out we can have a
fabulous wedding on the highline.
I wish. Apparently he wanted to get married in
P-town.
It's where he spent his summers during his
childhood.
and it was his fantasy to get married there for years.
Now it's a fantasy that I've shattered into a million
pieces.
Shut up! P-town would have been so awesome!
I heard the dick dock's amaze-balls.
Oh, god, I don't know what to do, Simon.
Is he pressuring you?
No, and that's what's killing me because he's being
so fucking understanding.
Then don't worry about it!
Just go buy him another sex toy or whatever
couples do.
Oh...sex toy. That reminds me of the day we met.
Remember?
That story is as tired as that shirt.
Thank you.
You could always get divorced. That's what straight
people do. It's good for the economy.
Go away.
Wait. Wasn't there supposed to be a party here
tonight?
What?
Yeah, Roger sent me an email yesterday and...
Oh my god. That was supposed to be a surprise
engagement party thing
Simon, who else got this email?
-Like Fred, and Brent, and everybody.
-I got to get out of here.
-What?
I got to get air.
Wait, where are you going?
And then we opened the door, it was Chita Rivera.
Really, it happened today. [Phone Vibrates] Oh,
baby don't get that.
Nobody's here yet.
Fine. I said it's fine.
No, George, don't even...
What up, C?
Hey Rog.
She still on the phone?
Always.
It's going to be huge.
Speaking of huge!
Nobody wants me to work in this family.
One little Tony nod and she's suddenly so important
Yeah, try living with her.
I heard that. Where Ty-Ty?
He's not here.
No, but according to Scruff, Brent and Fred are
twenty feet away.
Yeah, because that thing is accurate.
Who let you guys in?
Little Bit.
I did. Tyler will be right back.
Hey you've reached Tyler. Leave a message.
Tyler, where the hell are you? Roger just got back
and he's asking
where you are and get your ass back here. Or call
me.
I didn't know you were on Scruff.
What, I need to find a way to pass the time when
you're on the phone.
Or someone.
I never see you on Scruff, Rog.
Nah, my Scruffing days are over, C. I promised Tyler
I'd stop all that.
Hey!
Not accurate, huh?
Hey, honey buns.
Hey sweetheart.
-Good to see you.
-What's going on?
Hey, Simon. Where did Tyler go?
He said he'd be right back.
Is everything Ok, Rog?
Yeah, everything's fine.
Ok, while we're waiting for Princess, Fred has some
really big news.
I do.
So, I, uh. So you guys know I've been at the agency
for 47 million years.
And I, uh, always wanted to have my own camera.
He bought the camera.
Thank you. So I bought a camera and I am set to
make my own film.
Michael, it turns out, has this friend who is
incredibly rich.
So he got all the funding for the bear documentary!
What? Oh!
That's awesome.
I did, thank you guys.
-I'm really excited about it.
-Ty-Ty!
All my favorite people, except you.
-Hi how are you? Good to see you.
-Hi, sweetheart.
What's in the bag, baby?
Something for my man... from the Leather Man.
Oh lord.
Oh! What?
Shut up! They have a bear version of the Fleshlight?
-What is it?
-You know what that is.
-Is that real hair?
Let me see that.
What is that Ty?
Gross.
You're right, Ty. They're beautiful!
Did Roger know about this?
Yes
Yes.
What does that mean?
It means they're getting married
They're getting married!
We're going to P-Town, bitches!
Look who's pretending to do yard work!
Hello gorgeous!
My darling boy, hi baby!
And you brought your gorgeous gaggle of gays.
-Ta-Dah!
-What are you waiting for, come on in.
Darling, welcome, my beautiful handsome boy.
You're laying it on a bit thick, don't you think.
-Oh shush, you.
-Mama.
Frederick, you're looking dapper.
Thank you. How are you my Frederick?
Lady Rose.
You're my favorite, don't tell the rest.
And here's who you really want to see.
My other wife, how are you?
My little hot spicy chili pepper.
You look stunning as always, baby.
Hi. Tyler.
Tyler, oh, the blushing bride.
Oh and how sweet. You brought your father.
Congratulations.
Thank you. Welcome to Rose's Place, boys!
Ok, dial it down a bit.
Guess what? Shut up or I'll shove you back in.
All right, Michael, where's my Michael?
Yes Dove?
Honey you are all the way in the back, ok?
The room is beautiful but the electric is for shit, so
be careful.
You always take such good care of us.
That's because you have a bow-tie and your
boyfriend is cute.
And where would you like us, mom?
You...oh you know what? Your room currently has
three bears from Chicago
No shit. The Chicago bears. I cannot make this up.
So you're in the Castro Room, is that ok?
Yes. That's fine.
Oh that's great.
-Thank you so much for accommodating us on such
short notice.
-No, sure that's fine.
-Well, you trained him well.
-Learned from the best.
-That's right, you did.
So are you guys excited? I'm excited for you.
The big wedding...I mean finally New York did the
fucking right thing, right?
Well it took some time... uh... err
Well put. Use your words.
I think we're going to need a sign language
interpreter.
-I do sign language!
-You do?
No. I do!
I love gays.
Is that gay?
That's gay.
That's lesbian.
That's a good night at the Dick-Dock.
Stupid!
-See, this is where he gets it.
-I love her.
-I love you.
-I love you.
-I'm familiar with you.
-I like you very much.
-I'm adopted.
So you guys ready to go? Your room is upstairs.
And I installed some dual head showers.
No you didn't?
Yes I did.
Just like home!
So when are your parents coming, honey?
They'll be here soon
Oh good. And isn't there another. A ninth?
One..two...three.
Ah, he's...on his way. He missed the ferry and took a
submarine instead.
Oh he did?
He said fairy?
Wardrobe change! Quick!
We're missing tea!
Wardrobe change? Does he know it's BearWeek?
Yeah, it's like brown or beige!
Holy shit! This is amazing!
Twinkerbell says there's only, like, 3 twinks on this
whole...
Slimed already. I need a cocktail.
And there she goes.
Hey, there's Randy.
Of course. We travel eight hours to hang out with
the same idiots.
Oh stop.
Hey man.
I think I had a dream like this once.
Sorry. I've been robbed.
Definitely seeing you later.
Yes you will.
Randy! You crazy bastard!
Is this place fucking nuts or what?
What are you doing?
I'm making a bear documentary.
Oh good. Because that's just what the world needs,
another bear documentary.
Did you?
I just got here.
Who you here with Randy?
I'm staying with my friend Nate. He's the guy that
runs the dune tours.
Oh, dune tours?
That sounds awesome. Can we go on a dune tour?
-Yeah, sure.
Nate? As in Nathaniel Reed, Nate?
Yeah, he's around here somewhere. I think he's
getting me a drink.
Who's Nathaniel Reed?
That is Nathaniel Reed.
Hey Roger.
Hey how you been.
Good. You?
Good
Hey Michael.
-Still hanging around with this one?
He won't let me go.
This is who I spend most of my time with. Carlos,
Nate.
How are you.
Good. Nice handshake.
And these are the boys from Brooklyn
Bert and Ernie.
Hi. Brent.
Hey. Fred.
Nice to meet you.
Hey, would you mind if I shot you for my
documentary?
Here. Just stand over here with the guys.
Here?
-That's good.
-I have a room upstairs.
oh, it's uh not a porno.
Too bad.
Yeah. It is too bad.
Hey Nate, I want you to meet Tyler.
His fianc.
-They're betrothed.
-Really.
Nice to meet you, Tyler. Congratulations.
Hey thanks, nice to meet you too.
Hey! Who's buying?
Well...can somebody loan me a twenty?
Shit, Brent. There's Varla Jean Merman.
I want to get her for the documentary.
I need you to do the talking.
I'm getting roped into everything. What about that
host?
You got a host now? What happened with a host?
Your friend is making us use his husband as the
host of the documentary.
You're kidding? I don't even know him.
I don't know him either, but he's on the late ferry
and I don't really want to miss this, Brent.
Come on.
No fun for us. Bye!
-Bye!
-Work, work, work.
-I don't know about you guys but I need a drink.
-You want anything, babe?
-Same, Harrison on the rocks.
I'm going to say no.
You get off that thing. Do you want a drink?
No, I'm cool baby. You go ahead. I don't want a
drink.
Randy, shut up.
Nice to meet you.
Nice to meet you too.
Married, huh?
People change, Nate.
Ok.
So you're running the dune tours.
Yeah. You should come on one. I'll give you a tour
personally.
Oh! We would love that, wouldn't we? That'd be
great.
Shoot, Randy. Is that you?
Red. E. Randy?
Really?
Pays to advertise.
Because Randy's ready. Cuz Randy's ready. Randy's
ready!
Can I have a Harrison and ice, please?
How you doing?....make it two.
Really? It's a kilt.
-Oh. Sorry.
-Don't be. I'm not exactly nimble myself.
-Here or in the bedroom?
Oh, just here.
Sorry. I don't know why I just said that. I'm just
looking for someone.
Aren't we all?
No. Seriously. Just looking for a friend.
Oh well, then don't let me stand in your way.
No! You're not in my way. Just...heading to the bar.
Yeah? I thought you said you were looking for a
friend.
If you knew my friend you'd know he'd be at the
bar.
Well in that case it was great to meet you...uh...?
-Tyler. Tyler Hall, nice to meet you.
-Big Dan
-Yeah, I'll say.
Pleasure to meet you, Tyler. How's your bear hunt
going?
No bear hunting for me this time, actually. I'm
getting married.
Really? How old are you?
-Yeah, I know. I'm young.
-No, no judgments. Just a question.
23, but we've been together a long time.
Your fiance is a lucky man, Tyler.
-Shit. My parents are here already.
-You brought your parents to bear week?
To the wedding.
Right! Right, well I hope your dad isn't the hirsute
type.
You know how ruthless these guys can be.
I got to go!
Yeah, so this is the historic West End.
Yeah, each house has a marker and they've been
floated here.
Oh. No.
-It's bright out here, though, isn't it?
-It's really...Floated? Impressive.
Yeah. In the 1 850s.
-Wow, that's something.
-Here we are.
Oh. Thank you.
-Cute. All right.
-Keep the change
-Thanks, Daddy.
-You're a strapping young man.
-Oh no boys, you don't have to do that.
-Oh we got it, daddy.
Gabe, I'm going to check out the kitchen.
I thought the point of a vacation was to have
someone else cook for you.
-Hey Daddy.
-Nice suspenders.
Woof.
Why is everyone calling me daddy?
Hey Rhino can cook, can't you Rhi?
Your name is Rhino?
It's an old football name.
You play football and you cook? I bet you made
your Daddy proud.
See I can play the daddy game too.
Well, we don't really talk anymore... And this is my
husband Jimmy.
Hey Jimmy.
That's my husband Rhino.
Your....?
Yeah, we're in a thruple.
No..no I'll take it thank you.
Well we'll be on the deck if you need any more help.
Daddy.
Ah!
You made it.
Yeah.
What's the matter? Are you having a heart attack?
They're all husbands.
Yeah, I know dad.
All three of them
Yeah, I know
Where do you even find a bed that big?
You know your mother is going to have a stroke
when she sees that.
Ok, so let's not tell her.
Ok.
Oooh. Hi daddy.
I hate to get all Barbra Streisand on you but I think
I'd look even more attractive if we filmed over here.
Do you mind? Thank you!
Oh hey, how are you darling?
This is the best BearWeek ever.
You know you're actually clashing with me.
Would you mind standing over there?
Maybe on the other side of the bar, that'd be great.
Come back later, actually. How's this?
Oh that looks beautiful.
Do my teeth look yellow?
No.
Ok. Speed.
Action!
-Ok. So how has Bear Week been treating you?
-Oh my god it has been really amazing.
Although there have been several widespread
brownouts in the evening hours because of all the
CPAP machines.
Any other issues this week?
Well you know there have been so many bears I
found the other
day when I was walking down Commercial Street,
by the time I'd gotten to the East End,
I'd coughed up a hairball.
And I don't even own a cat.
Brent, how's it going?
Good.
We're just interviewing this school bus.
This is her lunch!
Have you seen Ty?
Who?
Ty. The guy I'm...
The guy I'm marrying.
Oh yeah, you are married. Thanks for that invite.
No. I haven't seen him.
Shit.
But Michael Moore here has got about another 1 00
hours left
of slanted, biased filming.
Oh and PS, Carlos and Michael went back to the
house.
Ok. I'll tell the Provincetown Gazette.
Thanks, have fun.
OK, move the camera back over to me here, he's
going to pull focus. I know who the audience is!
Oh ok. Now this is a kitchen!
This is a gorgeous kitchen.
-Mom, be careful, don't touch anything.
-Honey..it's granite. You can't hurt granite.
This is a place where a lot of cooking goes on,
gentleman and I--
IfYOU can get Mrs. Madrigal to lighten up on the
kitchen rules I can
cook us up something delicious!
Oh, it's such an honor I've been waiting to meet you
forever.
This is my handsome husband, Carlos.
Are you the producer?
I am.
I just want to thank you so much for putting my son
in your show.
Oh, he's fantastic.
We couldn't' do it without him. He's wonderful.
You know he played Patrick in Mame and he was
heartbreaking.
Mom!
I bet he was. I want details. I want every nuance.
Have you heard him sing?
We're going to talk later.
She means well.
She's fantastic.
No, I said, No offense taken. If it weren't for
electrolysis I probably would be a bear.
That's the truth.
Be right back, we have new people.
Hello! Welcome to my humble abode.
These are my parents.
I'm Rachel.
Hello Mrs. Madrigal. I'm Gabe.
Mrs. Madrigal? Michael. Really?
Oh, why's it always got to be me?
It is you. Mrs. Madrigalis a character from a story
that he's obsessed with.
I am Rose. And PS, Ms. Madrigal, much older and a
tranny.
So, will you be joining us for dinner this evening?
We'd love too.
Great.
You know Gabe asked me to make a dish tonight!
Well..yes.
No, no he did not. Michael -One. One dish, Miss
Paula Deen?
Prepare to have your arteries clogged. And I hope
you like mayonnaise.
But it's going to be delicious.
It's gonna be delicious!
Excuse me.
Everybody. Can I have your attention please?
So. I just want to say welcome
Thank you for warming up my home and for
sharing this beautiful meal.
You're welcome!
And thank you to Michael for the heart attack on a
plate.
Any time, Lady Rose.
And I'd like to make a toast to the new friends and
old friends and family.
And to Roger and Tyler. The gorgeous couple.
Any time two people fall in love it is a miracle.
Love is love.
We all wish you the best, congratulations gorgeous
gorgeous couple.
I must say Brent. You are one lucky man,
To have a mother who's so supportive.
And forward thinking.
I do?
Why, Mikey, that wasn't your experience?
When I told my mother I was gay,
She said, You're not gay. You're fat. And fat stores
estrogen.
Whatever. I love my baby's estrogen.
It is in your case.
My teenage son decided to pull the wool over my
eyes.
Mom.
When he came out.
Oh, I want to hear this.
Ok.
So.
It's about 3:00 in the afternoon and I'd just done a
little yard work
and I hear the phone ring, and I go in and get it.
And it's the police.
Telling me they have my son in custody.
I should just say right here that Gabe was doing a
little bit of accounting work
for the police department at the time. So I think you
would have called your
Dad if it weren't for that.
But he knew I would have killed him.
What did you do?
I stole a CD from a Sam Goody store.
So. I am just furious. Crazy with anger, and I go
down to the police station.
And there I am. I'm standing in this blue checkered
house coat, with these little
scuffed up slippers and my hair is all crazy and I'm
just trying to make chit-chat
with my friends at the police department, waiting
for my convict son!
Mom.
So anyway, so. I get him in the car and I take off like
a shot.
and I can remember my hands were just shaking.
And I'm saying, Why would you do that. Why would
you steal anything. You have everything.
We give you everything. Why would you steal
anything.
And he says to me. Mom, I've got a lot of problems.
And I'm like, Problems? Really, what kind of
problems could you have?
You're 1 6 years old. You live at home. What kind of
problems could you have.
And he says to me, Mom I'm gay.
Hell no.
So I pull off the road and I turn off the engine and I
say
Fuck. That.
I say, you're going to tell me now after I just picked
you up
at the police station for shoplifting, that you're gay?
Is that some sort of smokescreen?
Like now that you're a homosexual you can run
around stealing shit?
I mean, I don't see marauding homosexuals stealing
and pillaging. Do you?
That's when you beat him with the wooden spoon?
Ooh! Here you go!
And that's when I said to you, do you remember, I
said I will have a gay son
that I happen to love very much, in my house.
But I will not have a thief.
Are you done?
Ok.
I'm done now.
Yeah, that's how we deal with things in the
Midwest, so expect that at every family reunion.
Hey! Are you trying to embarrass me?
Because I will come after you.
Gabe, you must have been mortified.
Yes, I was mortified. But that police accounting job
was only part time.
I spent most of my adult life working at a major
financial firm in Cincinnati.
Really?
What firm?
Schuster and Morgan.
Did you ever work for John Schuster?
Oh yeah, that guy was an asshole.
Gabe!
What do you mean, Gabe?
You have just been swearing like a pirate.
Rachel, he's right, that guy was a tool.
When did you start there?
Oh it was a long time ago.
Let me see, see, 1 984 I think.
I interned for John Schuster in the Boston office in
1 985.
Really?
Wow. Small world.
Yeah..um, so what did you say when your son came
out to you...
Sir?
Well, Roger. The Halls are a very proud family.
So I said, Tyler if you're going to be a gay. You be the
best damn gay you can be!
And he is!
I don't know why they can't do one thing right.
I'm gone a freaking weekend.
Ugh.
That was a good dinner though.
I almost fell out I was laughing so-
I didn't know we was in an open relationship.
What are you talking about?
You're on that app 24/7.
What? Scruff?
Scruff.
I'm just chatting with friends, Silly.
You're the only one on that application, just
chatting with friends.
Baby. What did I tell you?
I ain't with them. I'm with you, remember?
(knock on door.) Oh no, it can't be.
Who is it?
Steve from Chicago.
Come in.
Perfect timing.
I believe this is yours.
No, that's Jimmy's. It's got a Chicago Bears sticker
on it.
Oh. Does it have a Chicago Bears sticker on it?
I guess we switched it downstairs.
No worries. It was probably Rose.
It's fine.
Hey, is that one of the new ones?
Yeah, baby that's the one he told you about.
The one with the humidifier. Remember?
Oh. Damn. If I knew that was up in here I wouldn't
have opened the door.
I would have busted the door down.
I'm just a really light sleeper so this really helps me
out a lot.
It's a real lifesaver.
I bet.
Goodnight boys.
Muscle head.
What? You worried about me?
I can't help if I'm so beautiful.
I bet he wants your humidifier.
Here's your punch.
What you only got me one?
That's all you need.
I really wanted to get here earlier so we could be on
the other side.
I like it here.
You would.
Hey. What's up?
How's it going.
Ty.
I think we're fine. We'll stay here, but thanks.
Have it your way. If you change your mind we'll be
over at the meat rack.
You OK?
Hey, I'm going to go with Jack and Ted,
and say hey to Nate and everybody.
Are you ditching me for your ex?
You ditched me yesterday.
One minute you are talking to some fat guy
And then you disappear.
Oh, ok, so you followed me?
No. I didn't follow you, Ty.
It's Bear Week. It's the bear community. Everybody
talks.
My parents showed up early, Roger.
Your finger is broken?
Ok. Fine. I'm sorry I should have texted you.
Don't worry about. It's fine. I'll be back.
You serious?
Well if it isn't Mister Soon-To-Be-Hyphenated.
Well if it isn't Big Dan.
At your service.
Beautiful day.
May I?
Please.
Trouble in paradise?
You saw that?
Heard it too.
Fat guy? I am not fat.
Pleasantly plump, maybe.
Gravitationally challenged.
See that sounds negative.
There's more than enough negativity in this
community lately.
Ah, Ok. Buoyantly enhanced.
Ah, there you go.
And speaking of buoyantly enhanced.
(Crowd starts to cheer.)
Anybody need a spare tire?
All right. So tell me. Why the great divide?
You mean between the big guys and the muscle
guys?
I don't know.
Some people say it's aging circuit queens
infiltrating the scene.
Others say it's the insecure fatties throwing the first
stones.
All I know is we need a little more community in this
community.
Woo. Amen, sister.
Bottom's up, bears!
Ok. Now I've seen everything.
Time to flip.
Want me to do your back?
Ok, so the other half of that hyphen is right there.
Good looking guy.
And he's a good man too.
I guess that's what important.
Yeah, maybe.
Far be it from me to tell you your business but I
hope it's more than that.
You're getting married.
Yeah. I guess.
So, what's your story?
How long have you got?
How about until the next gong?
I love your sense of humor.
Excuse me
You're in my seat.
Oh. Well. That. That's easily remedied.
Sort of...
Congratulations on the wedding. I'm Dan.
Thanks. Roger.
Uh. You got a good man there.
I know.
Well. I'll see you around Tyler.
Hey Dan, so the wedding is Saturday over at Race
Point Beach.
If you want, come on by.
Yeah, any friend ofTyler's...
Thanks.
Depends how drunk I get at the BearCity foam
party, but I'll try.
Please do.
See ya.
Nice to meet you.
Uh was that the guy from yesterday?
Yup.
All right Rog. Listen.
I'm sorry that I ditched you yesterday. Ok.
I'm sorry too. I mean if my parents were still alive
and
wandering around BearWeek I'm sure I would be
acting the same way.
Thank you.
All right bears! Show me some wood!
Oh, shut that fucking gong up.
I am bored. I'm so bored.
There's a party outside, and we're inside. Yay!
Would you please stop.
I'm so bored baby. Where's this guy?
He just texted. He said he's going to be here any
second now.
-Yeah, that was like 20 minutes ago. So I don't
believe it.
-Would you please chill out sweetheart, you're
making me nervous.
-Does he know what you look like?
-He's gonna know who we are when he gets here
so...
Oh, they didn't tell me you'd be such a hot bear!
Woof!
Um, this is my partner Brent. Hello.
Oh. Scott-O. Scott with an O.
Business partners?
Uh, no, the regular kind.
Oh, I get it so you want to keep your space.
So what I think we should do, I think we put all the
people to one side that we think represent the
community
But I don't want to use anybody old or fat. I want
the better-looking guys. It couldn't hurt right?
-OK, I'm tracking with that. I like better-looking
guys.
-Happy, up guys.
Oh look how about these two?
I don't like chicken and rice. That's not going to
happen.
Oh look at this one. Hello! I'm single just in case
you're wondering. Come on over here, come on
over here.
Let's shoot this guy. Can you roll the camera please?
-Yeah, sure.
This is my show.
Just give me some levels.
-Some what?
Some levels. Just talk normally into the mic please--
Somebody hasn't done this before.
Shh! Stop.
What's your name?
Denny.
I could lap you up like some biscuits and gravy.
Look I was just on my way to the pool so-
Well if you need a shower my room is upstairs.
Uh, so we got all that we need to do with helping
him find some dick so...
Stop it!
So let's try to get more of a human interest story.
Oh my god, that ass, it's heaven.
You know what, hold on. Hey! Guys.
Hey, how are you. I'm Brent.
I was just going to, I saw your shirts and I was
wondering how long you guys have been together.
1 9 years.
That's amazing. That's great.
My partner Fred over here is doing a little
documentary about bears. Crazy idea, right?
That is why I love him so much. He thinks when I
can't.
We would like to get you in there.
-Oh, I don't know.
-Oh, come on Cole, let's do it.
See how he gets me?
I don't know why we have to use old people.
Um, this is Fred. And this is Scott.
O! Scott-O.
-Scott Oh-my god.
You guys ready? So this is Cole and Gary.
Baby, that was amazing. Thank you.
All right. So. Um...what do I ask them?
Start with, How long have you guys been together?
-Well that's compelling since it's on their t-shirt but
whatev-
-How did you meet?
Right. How did ya meet?
Well, when we met there was no online. So we had
to do it the old fashioned way.
How?
-At a truck stop.
I met this guy from Nacogdoches at a truck stop!
He was 6'5and he had this, oh god, he had a
scholong that was THIS big. I swear.
I went to his truck, I didn't walk straight for a week.
Yeah.
Oh. Well. I guess they had some place to go. That
was rude.
I told you we shouldn't use seniors. Sometimes they
forget where they are.
-I will have a pink one.
-I will have an entire tray.
Here you go. And this is for you. -Thank you so
much. Thank you very much and thank you for
visiting Scott Cakes.
These must kill at BearWeek.
Every week should be BearWeek.
You need to fire that host guy.
I can't fire him.
-Fire him.
His husband is paying for the whole thing. I can't
fire him.
Can you care about anything enough to just fight
for it?
I fight for things.
No you don't. You don't fight for anything. It sort of
just happens to you.
Just because I'm not a control freak doesn't mean I
don't care.
But you are a controller. Let us not forget the great
open relationship diaster.
How did this suddenly become about our
relationship?
Well you tabled the marriage conversation right
when it became legal. And that was your whole
excuse before, that it wasn't legal.
Brent, you're sounding just like Reggie right now.
-Please don't do that, I don't like being compared to
your ex.
Yeah well stop acting like him then, ok?
I am not going to be pushed into marriage just
because it's legal now.
No, but you will be pushed into working with a
pompous pig whose ready to ruin your dream.
Because you're OK with that. And that's how you
are.
Those are two completely different things, Brent.
-No they are not.
-Fred this is your dream. Open your hand.
Put your hand out.
-What?
-That. That's your film. Ok?
It's perfect. It's made with passion. It's made with
love, right? -Right, right?
-Yes.
Well, that's what that guy is going to do to your
movie.
Splatter it on the pavement.
Sorry! I'm sorry, was that too much?
No. Sweetie, it was good.
I'm good with a visual metaphor.
I know.
I like that.
I know. Let's go eat this.
Let's get stoned first.
-Oh. Let's get drunk and stoned.
I'll just get drunk. -I'll get stoned.
Mmm, this is so beautiful. Isn't it?
I know you. What's wrong?
The oak bar top came in and it was basically
destroyed in transit.
-Oh no.
-Yeah, it's going to take another 30 days to
manufacture. Another 1 0 to ship.
That obviously blows our chances of opening on
Labor Day.
Oh, baby...I'm so sorry.
-Yeah.
-When did you find out?
-This morning.
-Why didn't you tell me?
Because you were on the phone.
Carlos, I know that this show is consuming me, but
as soon as it opens...
Michael, save it. Ok? I know that doing this makes
you happy. I'm not going to sabotage that. I just...
I just wish we could have some boundaries. You
know?
Oh, I know this is terrible timing baby, but I have to
take this one call.
Are you fucking serious?
Hey hey. Carlos! Carlos Cantoni DeLa Cruz don't you
dare-ugh! Look, I...
Don't you answer that. Don't you fucking answer
that. Don't you dare.
I said I would appreciate some boundaries. Michael,
ok? Look where we are.
If we can't spend some alone time on a sliver of rock
in the middle of the fucking ocean then what's the
point?
Tell me.
You're right. I apologize
Come here. Come here and cuddle with me. Sorry.
Oh! You bitch!
-I told you I wouldn't sabotage you, Gordito.
-I know.
-You know what I mean?
-I understand.
Bitch.
Anyway, sorry for overreacting. This whole bar thing
has got me worked up.
Well can't we special order it? Can't we have it sent
overnight? We can spend the money.
I don't care right now. I just want to enjoy the view.
Me too.
[Phone vibrates] Oh it's the bar guys.
Seriously?
-Yeah. Yeah what the hell happened?
[Phone vibrates] All right. Hey, hey.
Yeah yeah. You're damn right I'm pissed.
No no no. You guys have the wrong props list-
Ask Esby...
I don't want to hear it. That's unacceptable.
I don't want to hear that.
You're not going to blow this opening. You hear
me?
I don't want to hear it.
Oooh. I see fingers.
One foot in front of the other. All right we're almost
there.
Da da dadada da.
-Careful, careful!
-Whhaaa What was that?
ShhShhShh!
-All right keep going.
-It's like a haunted house.
Keep going we're almost there.
I am serving you, Helen Keller.
Ok. There.
Yeah.Yeah.
Here we go. One -Two -Two
-Three!
-Water!
-No, look.
-Whale watching!
Oh. Baby! But isn't that expensive?
Yeah. But you are so worth it.
Oh-isn't this a misappropriation of Sugar Daddy's
money? -Mhm? -Ok.
Hello.
Hey. I'm Jake. That's my partner Ken. Which one of
you guys is Fred?
I'm Fred.
Great. Great to meet you.
-You too.
Nate sent you right?
Yes. He did.
-All right.
Jake, let's get this party started.
-Yes, sir.
We are loose, Captain.
Don't tell me. We are interviewing them for the
documentary.
Yep. And all is right in the world of money
management.
-Is Scott O coming? Tell me he's not coming.
-Baby I have something to tell you.
-Huh?
I let him go today.
-No!
-Yup. Fired.
What did he say?
He said, Oh you'll be hearing from my husband ya
ya ya. That guy's such a douche bear.
So proud of you. Good.
-Thank you sweetheart.
-Get rid of him!
Yay! -Yeah! -Gone!
Whales!
This is amazing!
Where's that guy from?
I don't think he's from Cape Cod... He has a bit of an
accent.
I vant to pahk the cah in Haahvard Yaaahd.
Park ze car in Haahvard Yaaahd.
Woohoo!
Take your shirt off. Come on.
Yay. Woo!
Fred! A whale!
Where? Let me get my camera.
It's already gone.
Do you see anything.
Yeah. A fucking light house.
Oh, there's two lighthouses.
Keep your eyes peeled sweetie.
Hey! What's going on?
-You said Nate sent you right?
-Yeah he did.
Oh.That was my nipple. Thank you. Sorry. Whoops.
Uh..Fred.
Fred! Fred! Oh!
Down boy!
You know I think there might be a
misunderstanding....
Get your hand off me! I'm slipping here. Stop it!
Watch the feet. Watch the... FRED!!!
Shit! He can't swim! -what is wrong with you
guy-oh, fuck!
Fred!
Fred!
Fred!
Fred!
Jake, Jake. Come on. Come on.
Oh! Oh!
It's OK.
Hey sorry guys.
Yeah, me too. I thought you said Nate sent you.
Yeah, actually a friend of Nate's did send us.
He just didn't tell us about the happy ending.
-Randy?
-Yeah
Oh my god I'm going to kill that guy.
Hey Jake, let's just get on with the tour all right?
Yes, sir.
Hey.
Yeah?
Thanks for saving me.
Very romantic. Damsel in distress and all.
I lost my camera.
It went overboard when I jumped in to get you.
Doid you lose a lot of footage?
NO. Just what I shot this morning.
I just really wanted to get a shot of a whale. You
know, jumping up in the air.
It almost never happens.
So, are you going to ask about my day?
How was your day, baby?
-It was amazing.
-Really?
So we went out with Randy's friends. The guys from
the what do you call it...
Use your words. -Boat
-The boat.
And we were standing on the edge of the boat
which is called a...
Starburst.
-Starfish
-And it got a little porno-y!
-With a stranger?
And I fell off the boat, and you know I can't swim
because you never paid for those lessons.
I did. You didn't want to mess up your hair.
-You just wanted turquoise jewelry.
Well, Fred jumped in and he saved me, it was so
romantic.
Except for the almost dying part and the two
thousand dollar camera that did its own little
Titanic.
-Wow, sounds like a real Prince Charming.
Without the charm. Or the horse. Or the chaps. Oh!
With the chaps.
-I like Frederick.
-He hates when you call him that.
-Really?
-Did you forget?
We talked all week about standing up and fighting
for things.You think it's cheesy, I think it's amazing.
He had a choice to make and he chose me.
-He did. Over a camera. (sarcastically) That's
fantastic. Listen to yourself!
-he chose you over his camera.
It's just a metaphor
-Maybe it's time for you to just think about maybe
moving on.
-Jesus!
-No really.
You are special. You know, more special than some
piece of plastic with a flashbulb.
Fred has commitment issues-
-That's a bull-shitty excuse, I don't buy it. And PS,
you're not his ex. Not yet, anyway.
Oh my god! You are a terrible mother, you have no
maternal insticts at all.
Listen, I am telling you. How long are you going to
stay,
in a relationship where the other person isn't
committed? Look how handsome you are.
Come on.
You don't want to end up an old lonely hag, right?
Do they have a more masculine term for that?
-An old lonely fag.
This town is so beautiful. They kept calling him
Daddy.
I had to protect my man.
You go girl!
Ooooh. May I?
Oh yeah.
-That is so pretty, where'd you get that?
Well, Brian -Brent's dad-and I, spent some time in
San Francisco on a commune. We fell in with these
fantastic wild hippies.
Well it was the 1 970s, so they weren't really hippies.
(sarcastic) I think she was asking me, but go ahead,
we'll wait.
Anyway. They were fantastic, and they made these
rings out of different shades of gold.
They would layer the gold like that and form waves.
Look here.
Here. Look. Do you see the waves?
That is gorgeous.
So they taught us how to do it, and Brian and I
made one for each other.
It was a long time ago. It was really fun.
Why do you wear it around your neck?
Gabe-
No. That's a good question.
I don't know.
I think maybe, because it's closer to my heart.
That's so nice.
[sex sounds]
The Chicago boys?
Where do you find a bed that big?
Really?
Just asking?
Spa Day!
I cannot wait to get this massage.
Hey guys. Thank you.
I love you too.
Let's hear it for Ty and spa day, boys.
Wait until you see this massager guy I picked out for
you.
It's masseuse, Lance Bass.
Whatever, Scruff Boy.
Ok relax. It's actually a massage therapist.
No, no. it's a masseusiologist.
Of course, I'd rather die than have those hairy paws
touch me but...
I think you're going to be stoked.
He's like your kind of cute.
He's too skinny forTyler.
-Too skinny? He was like a wafer thin mintaway from
a heart attack.
Ok, well you and I have very different views on body
size.
-Obviously.
-What about you Mariquita? You find your twink
yet?
A: Fuck you, and B: Let me check..
Oh. My. God.
The bears are eating the twinks.
No, there's like, just one left.
Ah, and he's ten feet away.
He's cute too.
Ray... Simon and Ray. It's got a nice ring to it,
doesn't it?
-Not a chance.
What? It's my fantasy, you don't have to-
This is hell. I'm in hell.
Ok. Now that pocket cub was cute.
Did you just say pocket cub'?
Wow. Learning the lingo, Si?
It's kind of like travelling abroad.
I'm going to go get laid.
Oh shit.
Fred.
Hey Reggie.
Oh, this is my husband, Johnny. This is my ex, Fred.
Fred had commitment issues when we were
together didn't ya Fred.
You still with that uh, skinny-
-Brent
-Yeah, Brent. You still with Brent?
We're still together.
Wow. It's a long time, huh?
-Six years.
-Six Years!
That's like a world record for you, isn't it Fred?
Where is he?
He's at a different bachelor party.
-Bachelor party? You getting married, Fred?
-Not us.
-No. I didn't think so.
-No that would be me.
Is that you?
-Hey, I think this guy wants to dance.
Drop it.
-Seriously Fred, why are you still taking shit from
this jerk?
-I said drop it.
(off camera) Fred Richards?
-That's my appointment. I gotta go.
Of course you got to go, have a good massage, get a
happy ending while you're at it.
Piece of shit.
-Who is this guy?
-He's a fucking jerk.
Tyler?
Hi. No. That's me. I will go with you, Daddy.... I will
go with him....
-A happy ending is still cheating, Tyler.
-Yeah, thanks Carlos.
Yeah, god this is just what I needed.
Yeah, usually I don't get to open her up like this.
Usually it's just boring tour groups and noisy kids.
Open her up. Really?
Still nasty.
-Bet your ass.
Had you had heard what is said up there?
I has have tried to block it out.
Yay. Sand.
Carlos is on Scruff again!
-Oh my god!
-What?
-You got service out here!
And he's surrounded by fatties.
-No, it doesn't work like that.
That's you. That's how far they are from you. So they
may not be anywhere near him.
...and you knew he had a Scruff account, so stop
freaking out
-I knew he had an account...
but I thought we had an agreement.
Oh hell no!
Yup, now you are screwed. They are coming after
him like rabid Oompa Loompahs.
Nate, turn this car around.
-What?
You just calm down up there, all right Old Man
River? Keep flirting with FatherTime.
Thanks for the magical tour of sand dunes! Here's
the deal--
Carlos is like a sand dune. Natural, god made it, and
once in a while you find a dirty condom in it.
-I hate you.
Listen Carlos loves you, he's not going to eat fried
chicken off anyone else's belly.
I don't think that's really funny right now. Nate can
we go back. I need to go back.
Hold up. We're almost there.
-Almost where?
-You didn't think driving in the sand was going to be
the sum total of your bachelor party, did you?
[Car horn honking]
Hey!
No way!
I didn't think it could get better than sand, but I
have picked the right bachelor party!
Take my glasses.
That feels good.
Oh man, I needed this.
I just ran into my ex boyfriend and his new
husband. (mockingly) Look at me I have a new
husband.
Oh. That's warm.
He tries to say I have commitment issues. I don't
have commitment issues.
Mmmm. Feels really good.
Marriage is a big step.
Something I want to be careful about. You don't just
jump into a marriage.
Oh yeah, that feels really good.
Don't worry about pushing too hard because I can
take it.
Are you ready?
For marriage. I dunno--
-GALAFANAKIS!
-Aren't you the 5:00 wax?
-That's me.
I'm gonna kill you.
[chatter]
Thanks again for all of this, Nate.
Its so weird that of all the people in my life, you're
the one organizing my bachelor party.
I got to say though, this was furthest thing from my
mind less than a week ago.
I just can't believe you, of all people, are about to
settle down with just one guy.
I'm ready.
I'm not getting any younger.
I've been playing the field ever since you and I
broke up.
Falling for Tyler took me by surprise, I did all I could
to resist it
but I'm in love with him.
It's so different from me and you.
It's like being in a relationship with my best friend.
Are you sure that's not all he is?
I've heard that line before.
We were different, Nate.
We were the envy of everyone in New York City.
We slept with everyone in New York City.
And we stayed together way longer than we should
have.
Oh, what Is that supposed to mean?
It was a constant competition between us. We were
never honest. We weren't monogamous... we were
always fighting.
We had great sex.
And we laughed all the time.
It was too much work, Nate.
With Tyler it's easy. He's impressionable, young,
smart.
I've got to say it's nice being the older man.
Being his mentor.
You sound like a schoolteacher.
Well in some ways, I am. You were the same way for
me when we were together.
I kind of owe you my life.
Wow. Is that a compliment coming from you?
Shut it.
I'm serious. You're always so consistent about being
safe.
God knows after all the crazy shit we did. I've
done...
...to still be negative.
Um-
Oh, that was stupid. I just assumed.
No. I'm still negative. But after two years,
I would hope that wouldn't be the only thing you
took away from our relationship.
Don't do this, Nate.
I love him. I haven't cheated on him yet, I'm not
going to.
Hey guys!
I hate to break up this little stroll down Don't tell my
lovers lane
but the Bear City foam party's just getting' started
and Randy's feelin' dirty. Lets go. Lets go.
Ok guys now we have to stick together in this thing
or we are gonna lose each other...
Fred?
Carlos?
Jesus!
Well look here. It's the not-so-eligible bachelor.
-Aren't you getting married tomorrow?
-It's my bachelor party.
-Want me to jump out of a cake?
You can do that?
Nice.
No I just lost my friends here so I'm trying to find
them.
Ah. But you used that excuse already.
You know what I think?
I think you need to dance with me. It IS your
bachelor party after all.
Ok. ONE dance.
Sorry guys, I got pushed.
Our pleasure.
You better hold onto me kid. If I go down we're
both in trouble.
-Promises, promises.
I'll be right back I'm going to go say hi to Kurt.
Hey can I get a cup of ice?
You want a cup of ice?
Yeah.
Ok. Whatever.
Woof!
Wait. This was our song.
I know.
Nate.
Roger, It's your bachelor party.
Loosen up.
And get in the foam.
Simon. Have you seen Tyler?
I just saw Brent.
-what?
I just saw Brent.
-I can't hear-take the thing off.
-Brent, I just saw Brent.
-Really? Where?
C'mon, we have to go through the bear soup.
I'm sorry.
Oh my babies!
Hi! I missed you.-
-I missed you. How was the Dune tour?
Awesome. How was the spa?
It was enlightening.
I love you so much.
Wow. You should go to the spa more often.
Oh my god, what happened to your back?
Oh, I'll let Simon explain that one.
-Hey! I'm Mel.
-I'm Fred
-Uh, Ernie. Ber-Bernie.
Cute. Cute, cute.
You guys are hot. Do you guys play?
No we don't play.
-No?
It's too bad, because you guys are cute.
Are you all right?
Hey! Wait a minute.
You pissed on me!
What do you think you are doing?
-Hey baby, I'm dancing!
-You gotta relax, dude.
-Don't use that tone of voice with me.
Who the Fuck are you?
-I am his lover, that's who I am.
Doesn't look like that from here.
-I beg your pardon.
Hey, you better back the fuck up.
Or what bitch?
Slow down.
You don't need to do this, please.
Security, we need security on the dance floor now.
Just get off of me.
Break it up. Everybody out.
Get your own fuckin' man.
You need to put a leash on that bitch.
Stop.
I saw all those fat guys around, and you're on Scruff
everyday.
Get out. That's Bullshit.
We're opening a bar and the internet is good for
promoting!
Why didn't you tell me that, when I asked you
before?
I don't know, because I thought you trusted me.
I am so stupid.
It was kind of hot watching you fight for me,
though.
Only one problem.
-Your knee?
Ahhh. You can't take me anywhere.
Maybe I shouldn't have thrown that guy. Might
have been a bad idea.
Oh. Baby. Beautiful hat. I love that.
-Just in time for Easter. I feel like Loretta Divine.
-You look like Loretta Divine.
Where's Tyler?
I dunno, but we got to go.
Bears. Are. Crazy.
That's right!
-I'm sorry!
You're a slippery fellow, I like that.
I'm, I'm in hell!
Oh, all right guys.
Everybody's pushing me.
Thank you. I'm so sorry!
Fred?
Just pizza!
Fred?
All right.
Fred? Have you guys seen Fred?
Heavyset. Beard. No?
-I don't know what you want me to say.
-I don't know that you need to say anything.
Roger, what does that mean?
It's just our bachelor party, it's not like we caught
each other in bed with someone.
You still have feelings for him?
I have feelings for you. Hey!
I'm marrying you.
Nate's just my first love. You never forget your first
love.
And you're my first love. Does that mean I'll never
forget you?
I hope not.
I hope I'm your last love.
I'm sorry.
I just don't know what I'm thinking.
It's Ok. I know you go for bigger guys too. It's just
fulfilling a fantasy.
The reality is the commitment we get to make
tomorrow. Right?
Do you have feelings for this guy we need to talk
about?
-No
You are right.
Like you said, it's just a fantasy.
Ok.
[sexual sounds: mmphm, panting, groaning.]
Well, this must be the infamous Dick Dock.
I don't know what you're talking about.
Well, that didn't take long.
I can't believe it.
Oh, the gays!
Babe...
About tomorrow,
-If you need more time.
-No.
I don't need more time.
I love you.
And that makes me so happy.
Ty.
-Yeah.
Hey. Dad!
What are you doing out here?
I was just taking a walk along the beach. Isn't it
beautiful?
Yes...
[Slaps and sexual sounds]
-What's going on over there?
-Nothing!
Oh. Oh my.
Well. Uh.
I'll see you guys tomorrow.
Sorry to bother you.
Goodnight Dad.
Hi Mom.
Hi. Good morning.
-You Ok?
-I'm fine, honey. What's up?
Can I talk to you?
Sure, Fred. What is it?
I'm so sorry!
-I'm sorry man... bro.
I'M SORRY!
Yeah! YEAH! Your gonna be sorry!
He's louder than my husband.
Who wants breakfast? Last call people.
Tyler. Tyler wake up. We're going to be late.
Gabe, come up! Eggs. Sunny side, just like you like
them.
(singing) Happy days are here...
Eggs getting cold!
-That's what I'm talking about.
-Really?
(imitating a TV commercial) Stuck in the stairs again?
Call Life Alert. I've fallen and I can't get up!
Can I get in there first?
Ok, the eggs are now chickens.
Hey, you look stunning.
Thanks, sweetheart.
-Let's go!
-Coming! Just have to get dressed!
-Sit, sit.
-Can I put my belt on first?
-Put your belt on, I'm sorry.
-I wanted to talk to you before the wedding.
-Talk fast.
I was thinking. Given the fact that there's a-
-Hurry up, bitches. We are waiting on you two.
-Thank you! You ready?
Yeah. Let's go.
We are gathered here today to witness the union of
Roger Dennis Beam and Tyler Stephen Hall.
A marriage is more than just the freedom to say I
do.
When two people commit to each other in
marriage,
they look into each other's hearts and say, I give all
that I am and all that I will become
to you. Roger and Tyler have said, Our bond has
proven itself strong enough to make that
commitment and we are so glad-
Wait.
Stop.
What's wrong?
Tyler, I love you with all my heart.
I love you too.
I know you do.
And that's why I can't go through with this.
What?
This isn't right.
-Baby, what about last night?
-Your dad at the Dick Dock?
-What did he say?
-Nothing. Nothing.
-(Hat Sister giggles)
See, that is the first time you have smiled all
morning.
I feel like... I don't know. Like I'm pushing you,
and myself, for that matter, into this just because it's
legal.
If I am wrong, then I will shut up and marry you, and
be as honorable as I know how to be.
But if I am right, we owe it to ourselves to allow our
relationship to
evolve as it's supposed and not be dictated by
marriage.
You're right.
I'm sorry.
I just felt like marriage was everything to everyone.
So I owed it to everyone to go through with it.
And maybe one day you will.
But I don't think today is that day.
It's not.
It's not, I'm sorry.
I love you.
I love you. And I want you to be free to become the
amazing man I know you're going to be.
This is the craziest wedding I've ever seen.
Ok, was that the vows?
Folks, I'm sorry but I don't think there's going to be
a wedding today.
Wait!
Yes there is.
Oh Fuck no. Fred?! Are you insane?!
It's not exactly the response I was hoping for.
This is a second hand wedding!
This is my father's ring.
Yes.
Where did you get it from?
Is this what you really want?
More than I can say.
-Ok.
-Yes?
-Yes!
Everybody, I'm getting married!
Ok. We are gathered here today to witness the
union of Fred and Brent.
I do.
I do.
Hey, how are you doing?
Go in guys... Have fun.
That's on us.
Holy shit! Brian Kent is in the house. The usual?
What was he thinking with those boots
-Who ordered the ShirleyTemple?
Hey can I get an order of pepperoni pizza for the
VIP, please?
You got it, boss.
Gimme a beer?
Gimme?, Miss Manners? Really?
Roger.
Do me a favor? That guy back there is Dan Choi, can
you hook him up with these 4 beers?
Carlos, I got to tell you this looks great.
Good crowd, pool table, mouthy bartender.
I heard that.
And I am telling you, you guys are going to be so
happy with the numbers.
We're just happy you turned your passion into
something fun and fantastic for everyone.
Speak for yourself, I didn't invest in this place to get
laid.
Did I just say that?
-Who took Roger?
Oh, the boys are here.
Ready for your opening night?
Are they ever.
I cannot wait to see it.
Tyler, I thought you had a date tonight, not that we
mind Simon The Twink coming with you.
Shut your face, Grandpa!
Oh, Ty. He's cute.
Yeah, I like him.
Excuse me guys, I'll be right back.
Carlos, this place looks so great.
Hey, handsome.
-Thanks for coming.
-Thanks for inviting me. This is exciting, who owns
this place anyhow?
Carlos, over there in the black.
-Carlos this place is wepa!
-WEPA!
Thank you guys so much. And I heard you got your
camera back, in the editing room, raring to go.
We decided we didn't need Scott O anymore and
we're doing it the old fashioned way.
We're maxing-out our credit cards.
-That's the way to do it.
What about you? Are you happy now, Mr. Producer?
No more nasty bitchy cub?
No, this is something we found to do together. And
the world needs another bear documentary!
Just kidding, it's going to be amazing!
Oh! You made it.
I wouldn't have missed it.
Congratulations Carlos.
Thank you, bro.
Nate, are you glad to be back in town finally?
Well, P-town has its charms. No doubt.
But, NewYork...
NewYork is where my heart is.
So, I assume that's the ex over there?
Yeah, that's Roger.
Can I also assume that y'all are just friends now?
You never forget your first love, but yeah
whatever we had, just kind of naturally evolved into
a great friendship.
That's very honorable.
Coming from a fireman that's quite a compliment.
Fire Chief, thank you.
-There's a million lewd things I could say.
-I'm sure I've heard all of them too
But for now.
Why do we have to say anything?
Hey guys. Pizza is up, you want it cut or what?
Give us a second?
I would like to propose another toast.
This time to our newly married couple!
Mr. Brent and Fred Richards-Dean
Woooheee!
Congratulations!
Cheers.
I love you, Gobo.
I love you, husband.