Ty?
Oh I was a naughty boy this year!
Holy shit!
Ho Ho Ho!
Hey, Ho!
What the hell are you doing there?
Waking your ass is up. You got the
audition I wanted but didn't get,
so fuck if I'm gonna let you sleep
through it.
Oh shit!
End of a sublet, end of an era.
I know, right.
Are you guys here for callbacks?
Yeah. Yeah.
Oh cool, thanks.
Hi, how's it going? Umm. Tyler Hall.
I should have a 10:30am audition?
Ooh hunny, you are late!
Come around here.
sorry.
Tyler Hall is here.
Tyler Hall is at 10:30. I dunn-
I know he's late but he's fine.
Hi Tyler. I'm Amy Lynn,
the casting director.
Have you had a chance to
look over the sides?
Yeah, I'm off book.
Fabulous. I'll be reading with you. In
a moment we'll have you slate for the
camera with your name and phone
number and we'll get started
whenever you're ready.
Fred?
We all set there?
Um, yeah. Yup, we are all set.
Great!
Ok.
Tyler Hall, 212-555-9532.
Hey, Ty!
How'd it go?
What the hell are you two doing?
He's trying to button my new jeans
from Barney's sample sale.
Why don't you just buy
clothes that fit?
You're not going to get anyone's
attention with clothes that fit.
We're getting ready for Tea at G.
Hey, I rhymed!
Hey! Walt Witless.
Come with us, it's going to be hotness
over there, all picante and shit.
Hallelujah, Mary, success. Don't
you dare unbutton these.
Don't worry, they're not coming off
until they need to ... like an hour.
Ty! Come out with us for a twirl!
Thank you but I'm going to pass.
I'm going to go get some sleep.
sleep when you're dead! Or, like, 25.
Good night queens.
Oh no she didn't.. Oh yes she did.
OK, Ty, I'll be back later! I'm taking
out the trash with me!
Bitch!
see you later Ty!
Have fun.
(Bear Growl)
(Men Moaning)
Ty?
Ty?!
shit.
Ty! Bring your ass out here!
simon, you seem to have this inability
to knock before entering.
Whatever, you have to see the two
hotties Cory and I just brought back!
They're actual Abercrombie models -
Mormons from sandy, Utah, and they're
going to show us their magical
underwear!
No, I have plans.
What plans could you possibly have
that would be better than Big Love?
Hey, there's a bear on your shirt.
son, there's a bear in my shirt.
Go on kid. We don't bite.
Hey. Member or non?
Um, non.
That'll be eight dollars.
I'll get that.
No, it's ok. I got it.
You can get the first drink.
The drinks are free.
I meant at breakfast.
Wow, NYC-style romance! Ok, um..
Do I get a name, too?
Greg. Greg styles.
Tyler Hall.
Tyler. You look like a Tyler. Bet
you taste like a Tyler, too.
Hey Tyler! I'm so glad you made it.
Uh, hey!
Thanks for the warm welcome, Greg,
as always. We gotta go.
Trust me. You don't want to know that
one. He's got a partner. And a trick.
And a trick. And a trick. sensing a
pattern here?
Yeah, sure. He's Hairy Fucking Potter.
Weasel-y, actually. You're funny.
Thanks. Improv class did me wonders.
Clearly. You were really good today.
Hey boys, what're you drinking?
Two beers, please.
You uh.. You think they liked me?
shit, I'd cast you. But I'm just a
cameraman, not much of a director.
C'mon. Let me introduce you
to my entourage.
Hey guys. This is Tyler.
Hi, I'm Michael...
... and this is my boyfriend, Carlos.
Hey, what's up man?
And this is my huzbear, Brent.
Aww, huzbear? Oh, that's.. alright.
Uh, there's a term for everything
in this scene.
Hey Michael, hey baby, looking good.
Hey! Don't squeeze the Charmin,
papa! Ok?
see?! see what I have to deal
with all the time.
It's ok, it's ok.
Tyler, so how do you know Fred?
We met at the auditions today -
the kid's a future star.
Ahh.. shia LaCub.
Anyone? No?
Hardly, I'm studying acting and hoping
to turn that into an actual paying
career. Maybe landing a sex scene with
Kevin James while I'm at it.
Well, this is the town where
careers are made, my boy!
And deals with horny producers.
Hey! Let's go guys. I am getting
mauled back here, come on.
Randy, thank God. I was worried.
I thought you got lost.
One more for my friend, Tyler here.
Uhh, who ordered the Bear Claws?
strawberry shortcake over here.
What's a Bear Claw?
Oh dude, you'll love it.
Uh, to New York!
Ah yes, cheers.
Oh god!
Damn.
Uhh! That'll put some
hair on your chest!
I'll put some hair on your chest, boy.
Hey Randy, I think you
overshot over here.
You wish... that one's for Roger.
Oh, where is Roger?
Hey, what's BEARCITY?
Do you know that book by Dante about
the circle of hell and infernos?
Oh I'm sorry, have you met jaded?
What? I'll show you jaded.
Oh yeah? Please, do show me jaded.
- Alright...
- Lay it on me.
Woof!
Woof!
It's this bear weekend at the end of
the summer. You know, bar-hopping,
bed-hopping, sweaty shirtless hairy
men dancing... it's awesome.
I've actually never been to a bear
event before. But, well.. Any bear
event before whatsoever since tonight
if that's not already obvious...
Well, then you're definitely coming
with us. It's like a summer camp
reunion with all the guys you haven't
seen in months.
And like a parade of the proud studs
that finally made it into Roger's
playroom this year.
Damn, who is this Roger already?
''Damn'' is usually what most people
say when they see him.
Ehh. He's not that hot.
He's like that hot daddy you
see with their kids,
that you just want to pounce on.
stroller meat.
Yes, exactly! And he just won Mr. New
York Daddybear this year.
sash queen!
What is wrong with you?
Well, Michael and Carlos went home to
cuddle. so, I suggest we follow suit.
They're cute, do they.. uh.. do they
''play well with others?''
No, no. Those two are like lesbians,
just without the drum circles.
Well so are we, that's what we are..
OK, for the record..
..no more Bear Claws for the
lightweight who stole my heart.
Of course we're monogamous, baby.
Ohh, oh. Gotta put the ad on
the bulletin board.
Oh, yeah. shit, I almost forgot.
What's the ad for?
We have a two bedroom, we
rent out the extra bedroom.
We lost our friend Tony to a big
red-headed bear from Texas.
Yeah, Texas-sized, as they say. Why?
You lookin' for a place?
Last call boys! Drink 'em up.
He's fine.
I understand that.
Besides you ought to take it as a
compliment. Come here.
I ain't with him, I'm with you.
I know. I know. Oh baby,
how's your knee?
Better. You want me to
get down on 'em.
Oh gordito, I just love you so much.
I love you too, Carlito. Oh, how was
softball?
I'm so sorry I missed the game.
Oh it was fine. It wasn't the same
with out my cheering section though.
I'm your whole cheering section?
You're my whole world.
You're so sweet.
seriously. I'm sorry about getting
jealous. It's just guys like that,
I know what they see.
No, I mean it. Gordito I look at you
and I see you and I see how beautiful
you are. Inside and out.
I better see the inside out of this
shirt at the foot of my bed
in about 40 seconds.
Ok.
Oh, I love when you do that.
Oh! Wait, wait, wait. These are the
interviews for next week.
Dammit. Just gimme a minute.
I'm sorry.
It's ok. Take your time.
I haven't been without a job since I
was 18 and comparatively sprightly.
You're gonna find work baby, ok.
Just calm down, you are.
That's easy for you to say. Talk to me
again in
Oh yeah... you're really turning
me on now.
Oh, stop kidding around.
Carlos, I think I'm going to
have the surgery.
so you're going to get your
stomach stapled?
They don't staple it anymore, they use
a rubber band, a lap band it's called.
I knew you wouldn't understand.
Of course I don't understand, gordito!
Ok, cause that kind of treatment is
for people with health problems. Not
self-worth problems.
Carlos, I need a job.
And what? What you think that being
fucking thin is going to somehow make
you magically employable?
I think you need to go to
your apartment tonight.
Gordito, please don't do this.
Come on.
Just go.
Was he understanding
when you told him?
I mean, simon doesn't really listen as
much as he just waits for you to stop
talking so that he can start.
Oh, I fucking hate people like that.
I know but he was.. I don't blame him,
he was pissed you know.
Yeah.
We were supposed to be moving into
this two-bedroom apartment with him
and this twink. I could not picture
myself spending another yearjerking
off to bear porn because I'm too
afraid to bring a real guy home. Plus
when you're in Chelsea, if your waist
size is over 36 the Chelsea police
turn your ass around at 23rd street
and send you packing back to Hell's
Kitchen.
Isn't Hell's Kitchen getting just as
bad. Aren't they calling it Helsea?
Oh, watch the curb.
Oh shit.
It's not tough enough, It's like
admitting that you..
Oh, shit. I'm sorry dude.
...admitting that you know you like
bears is like is like coming out of
the closet twice.
I know. It's one thing to say you
think Brad Pitt's hot, but try saying
you want a mouthful of John Goodman.
Exactly. Like the other day I even had
a dream that I was having sex with a
guy in a santa Claus outfit and simon
walked in and caught us.
Ohh. Did he stuff your stocking?
Yes. santa comes more than once
a year in my dreams.
No joke, no joke. Michael's boyfriend
Carlos had a department store santa as
a fuckbuddy - hooked us up with a
thirty percent discount.
Wow. Friends with below retail
benefits. God, I love it!
Uh, I think I'm done. Umm. It's mostly
everything. so, I can take it from
here if you wanna head up.
OK, I'm going to wake up sleeping
booty and see if I can't get some...
All this fantasy talk has made me
kinda horny.
Me, too.
Hey! There's still some room!
Uhh. There's a few more things that
I umm..I'm sorry.
I uh.. just jokin'!
You have no idea. Truck stop was off
the hook. It was outrageous. They have
this huge, huge hot tub.
That's Ted and the glam bears.
Umm, glam bears... define.
Nay. They're actually muscle bears.
It's just what I call guys like that.
They make me feel insecure because
they have perfect bodies, perfect
boots, perfect beards and all that.
Woof.
Oh, barf.
Wow, uh jaded cappuccino with a
double shot of hate and despair.
You. Make that up all by yourself?
It's an original piece that
I'm working on.
Is it? Is it really?
No, but seriously, Brent. Thank you,
very much.
It's really appreciated,
I need this job.
Oh well, the job sucks. Don't worry
about that,
but the eye candy is compensation.
I'll say - hard candy by
the looks of it.
Oh, no, no, that's Robbie. We call her
Ruby because of the slippers that will
fall out her mouth when she speaks.
Hey, lover!
Girl!
Hunny, you look fabulous. Do a little
twirl, so I can take a look at ya!
Uh huh. Like the wig?
Uh..
Can I have a search party sent out for
the hard-on that I just lost?
Harsh.
That was rough, right?
It was mean and not funny. Well..
Can I get some service over here?
shut up, you polar bear! I'm going to
go tend to her
before she goes extinct.
Hey Roger. What's up?
How you doin?
Good, man. How you' doing?
What's up?
Look who it is.
What's up babe?
Oh la la.
Oh hey baby.
When am I gonna get a piece of that?
Look at that bod.
Coffeehouse Massacre. Film at 1 1.
This thing hates me.
It hates me too, that's why I stay on
this side of the counter.
Can I get a Black-Eye?
Left hook or right hook?
It's a coffee with two
shots of espresso.
Oh, gotcha. Just thought maybe that's
how they did it here
at the leather bars. I'm new.
And I'm used. Keep the change.
There they are. Gentlemen.
surprise, surprise.
Tyra, Tyler. I'm going to take a
break, ok? Did you meet Roger?
Uh yeah. Not formally but he ordered
a busted lip or something.
Black-Eye?
Yeah.
sure. Good. Oh can I get an Iced
coffee and a Decaf Iced coffee for
Michael and a Latte for Fred. Thank
You!
Um. Contrary to the actor's cliche, I
still don't know how
to use any of this equipment.
Can't hear you, I'm on break.
Hi guys. Oh, Daddy's home. so put your
toys away or
I'm going to have to confiscate them.
You're so mean.
Actually, I think Daddy brought some
toys of his own for show and tell.
What'd I miss?
We were just pondering the
hypothetical question of what it would
cost to get Roger to Nair his entire
body. A million bucks?
A million dollars tax-free so you
won't end up like Richard Hatch.
Fuck no. My hair is my mating call.
Let's move on to letting the cat out
of the bag, shall we?
Hey, what are these?
Please tell me those are
metal chopsticks.
Well, they could be used on Chinese,
just not the food per se.
You know what those are?
Do you know what those are?
They ain't for knittin'.
It's a set of sounds.
A set of sounds.. alright, I give up.
What's a sound?
so glad you asked, Brent.
What are you doing?
Patience, my boy!
so, imagine, if you will, that this is
your cock and this is the hole.
Oh...
Breath, breath.
No..
Oh God, I get the sound part.
What is wrong with cuddling?
Oh, shit!
Tyler, what are you doing?
I'm sorry, I spilled the Evil Eye all
over myself when I saw the sounds.
Is this a cafe or a sex club?
You know what those are?
Yeah.
Is this the Tyler that just moved
in with you guys?
The same.
Tough first day kid. I'm Roger.
Hi, I'm humiliated. Nice to meet you.
Tyler, Tyler! I'll clean it.
I'll clean it, I will clean it.
You go in the back and put a shirt on
before you get raped.
That's one way to pick up business.
Hey!
At least they made her pretty.
Now don't be mean.
He's new to the scene.
Now that is so cute! You guys
got yourself an in-house chaser.
That'll spice things up a little bit.
We don't need no spicing up, Rachael
Ray, we're yummo as it is.
so, Michael, where's Carlos?
Guys... Umm, Carlos and I have decided
to take a little break.
What happened?
We just need time to reevaluate.
sweetie, I'm so sorry to hear that.
Me too. Me Too.
But right now I'm focused on
getting a job by the Fall.
Now wait, do you need help
financially? Fuck you bitches.
Well you asked!
I'll be fine, I'll be fine. But I
ain't payin' for the coffee.
Oh this shit's free now.
Tyler that was amazing.
Dude, I am so sorry.
You're totally fired.
I'm just kidding. Here's an extra
small. I'm kidding, it's a large.
stop. Roger must think
I'm such a douche.
No, no, no. Don't' worry. We'll get
you up to speed. show you how to work
the tray, how to not drop things, work
with milk, not give anyone espresso
conjunctivitis. You don't know what
that is right?
It's bacterial infection.
Oh cool.
Do you think that Fred's cute?
Yeah, I mean I think you're
both adorable. Why?
No reason.
Hey! Is anyone working here?!
shut the fuck up Mary! Don't get
your panties in a bunch!
It's our four year anniversary
in two weeks..
Yes.
And I was just.. Oh yes, four.
Four! Four years baby and I was just
thinking about how ideal this is you
know? I never really believed in that
whole soulmate bullshit. It didn't
seem like anything that could actually
happen. But now I know it can.
Yay.
I love that we are so in sync with
each other, you know.
Me too.
We have our own language, we finish
each other's sentences.
We are impenetrable.
Do you think we should ''spice it up''
as Roger says?
Wait. Well, where did that
come from? Do you?
No, I'm perfectly happy
with our routine.
Oh my god, a routine.
Not routine, sweetheart. You
know what I meant.
No, I don't. Please define it for me,
in urban dictionary terms.
What?
Ok.
Well how long have you been
thinking about this?
About what?
My mother says if you say something
once you probably thought it twice.
Yeah, which is complete
bullshit.
You callin' my mother a liar?
I have a few choice adjectives if
you're asking. Don't, sweetheart. You
know I love your mother...can we leave
her out of this conversation, please?
Ok, so are there rules? This is
hypothetically speaking, of course.
Yeah, hypothetically speaking, we
would have to decide what we do and
don't want to do with other people.
Alright, like what Dennis and Peter
do. so.. 'No kissing.'
Oh..
You're in my ear. Oh...
that's it. What...
Ahh, is that.. gorgeous, that..
Well that is completely retarded. I
don't know how they make that work.
Ok.. stupid. Uhh.. Chris and.. What is
that thing they do, Chris and Andy?
Veto power.
Oh.. Yay!
Nay.
What are you blind?
- Nay.
- Yay.
- Nay.
- You didn't even look.
Whatever.
Nay..
But I hear he has a donkey dick.
Ok, that's got divorce written
all over it.
soooo..
''no fucking?''
Yeah.
Yes. Ah, well that's the pickle,
isn't it?
Is it? It makes the most sense to me-
it's the most intimate, and its the
most risky.
I wish I had never brought this up.
Why?! Because of ''no fucking''? Can't
figure out how to not fuck?
sounds perfect in theory but the
ultimate question becomes not whether
you can live with it...
Oh baby....
...it's whether you can live up to it.
You ok?
Fuck yeah.
Well I guess then it's just
like cheating.
Hmm. I think I have something
that you could live with.
Thanks for coming with me, Rodge.
It really means a lot to me.
Mick, shut up. I've known
you for how long?
On a Creationism or evolutionary
timeline?
Exactly, Methuselah.
Cruising the waiting room,
Roger? Really?
so, what happened yesterday that
prompted this little office visit?
Not that I'm complaining.
Can we focus on me for one
second, please?
Focusing.
It's not just yesterday, I've been
thinking about this
ever since I got laid off.
It's only been a couple of months.
Yeah, but every interview
goes the same way.
I'm sorry, Mr. McCarthy, but we're
looking for someone with a little more
energy who can really take on the
workload. And you seem qualified for
sure and if things expand around here
then I'll be sure to give you a call.
I know you can't say it openly because
of equal opportunity laws, but you're
right, my big fat ass probably would
crush a lot of your fancy, expensive
chairs.
I'm sorry?
And there was one other thing I
forgot to put on my resume. Bing!
Do you always go ''And Justice
For All'' on them?
No, just yesterday.
Mr. McCarthy?
Yes. Here. C'mon.
I'm Roger.
I'm Paul.
Hey, Paul.
Roger?!
Daddy's testy.
I know the feeling.
sorry.
stop it! Oh my God, Rodge.
Put the organ back.
Mick, I don't know about this.
It looks worse than it is. Michael?
Yes.
Roger.
This procedure was regarded as a last
resort for the highest risk
individuals, people whose health and
lives were in absolute jeopardy, but
now exists within the elective
category.
How long would it take for me
to visibly lose weight?
You'd be shopping for a new
belt within a week.
That's amazing.
Yes, it's exciting. You'll be amazed
at how it will impact your life.
That's what I'm counting on, doc.
OK, wait. Can we talk about side
effects, risks, how does this work?
Top line, we make five small incisions
in the patient's stomach.
And then we use those incision points
to place, essentially, a rubber band
around the patient's stomach.
Mick, are you crazy?
Just listen.
It sounds worse than it is.
Yeah, you keep saying that.
I urge you to read this. It answers
common questions that people have. I
assure you, your partner will be in
good hands.
Well, just reassure me, doc - will
my partner still be able to guzzle?
Thanks for coming and bringing
your caring nature.
I just want you to be happy.
I know. I just wish Carlos was
understanding. Instead, he told me
he didn't sign up for a thin guy.
Well he's right.
What?
Carlos didn't settle for your body,
Michael, he's attracted to it. That's
how this whole community got started
in the first place.
Can we not do the whole bear
community rah-rah discussion, please?
Fine. Just think about it a little
before you totally write him off.
I will.
Good.
I will!
Yes!
Impressive.
Me? Your shoes match your bag.
Well, intimidation is half
the game my boy.
Really, it's refreshing to see
a young man like you into the sport.
I used to play on a father-son league
when I was a kid out in Philadelphia,
used to get a dollar for every strike.
But I.. But, what about you?
same, same. I played with my father as
a boy as well, back in the quarter per
strike days. I'm in the Bear League in
an hour. You should think about
joining. You're not half-bad.
Half-bad? Ok, I hope you have a roll
of dollar bills in your pocket, daddy.
Don't you worry about
what's in my pocket,
just reset the board and
grab your ankles, kid!
Well, Rog, It looks like I'm just one
strike away from kicking your ass.
As long as you don't choke.
Choke? Ha! You wish, grandpa!
You're doing an awful lot of talking,
I see Grandma's teeth in your future.
Oh really, do you? Ok well
get ready for the splasher!
splasher?
Oh shit.
Ouch, oh the dreaded bedposts.
Well Tyler, you know what,
the good news is,
If you get this spare,
you'll win.
Funny.
Tyler.
What?
Angle your approach more.
Oh come on, Roger. What's the
difference? This shot's impossible.
Now look you'll have to give it a lot
of crank but it's not impossible. Come
here. Just shoot for that second dart
from here.
swing out, and give it some lift,
you can make this.
Have you ever made this?
No... but there's a first
time for everything.
snake eyes! somebody's
fucked without spit.
Teddy bear, where we at?
Oh we're in the graveyard, but we're
playin' a bunch of those pastel Care
Bears so it should be easy.
Who's the kid?
Oh, uh, it's um,
Bert and Ernie's roommate.
I'm not interrupting anything am I?
No, come on. I've got a
reputation to uphold.
You know, it looks like if the kid
makes the unmakeable split he could
take you. Ten bucks says the kid makes
the split and kicks your ass.
Fuck you.
Come on kid, show us
what you got.
C'mon Ty.
C'mon Ty.
Do it.
Wow, the kid can crank!
Ahh, better luck next time, kid.
C'mon, Rog, recess is over. Let's go
cream some Care Bear ass.
Oh!
Ohh. Oh oh, get the yellow one.
I don't need it.
Up, up, up.. ooh.
Get the blue one.
stop.
Go, go, go.
Who's playing this game, you or me?
You want to tell me what's wrong?
sure...
I love you, Gobo.
I love you too, Wembley.
And I don't want to
open the relationship.
Alright, then we won't.
Is that alright with you?
Is it alright with you?
I asked you first.
Oh! saved by the Twinkie.
Hi.
What the fuck is up mother fuckers?
I'm gonna go take a piss
and I'll be right back.
The kid's drunk.
We'll talk about this later?
Yeah, it'll probably be better.
We'll watch a movie.
Where'd you go?
(BURPs)
Eww.
Heineken or Pabst?
Yup, I went to the beer
blast at the Eagle.
Yeah, we figured.
Oh, I told everyone how handsome that
you both are and how nice you're being
to me. Oh, and I went to an audition,
and booked it.
No, you didn't.
shut up. Uh, and I went bowling,
but I'm not talking about it.
Oh?
I said I'm not talking about it.
Alright we're about to start the
greatest Jennifer Lopez movie ever.
Oh, ''Out of sight''?
''selena''.
Oh, anything for selena.
Oh yeah! Let's have a little slumber
party. We'll cuddle up between two
bears and watch.
No, we were going to do it alone.
Brent?
Oh, no it's fine. It's fine.
I have to go to bed anyway.
No no sweetheart.
No, no, no. You sit right back down,
this is your house now too.
Alright, well I'll order Chinese
for three people.
Oh, do Pu Pu platter.
Oh yeah, Kung Pow.
Holy shit!
Oh no no no.
Oh no no no.
Oh God!
Why would you do that?
A bear is a terrible thing to waste.
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slimworkzzz for the price of one.
We'll even throw in a free bottle of
Cell-You-Tite toner ointment.
Warning: may cause dizziness,
drowziness, or anal leakage.
so what are you bitches having?
Do you have anything organic, or
overpriced from Whole Foods? You do?
Can I just have a sausage
with no bun? Cue.
Oh ah, God, um.. sausage, bun, meat,
barbecue, insert joke.
sorry, I don't have anything.
Are you sure?
I'm sure.
Daddy's got some big hot
sizzling meat here.
Oh thank you, there it is.
I'm not that hungry.
Yeah, come on Michael, don't be shy.
I mean, who knows. This could
be your last supper, no?
Carlos, what are you doing here?
Oh what? so I'm an outcast now? Is
that what you're gonna do to all of
your friends once you're thin enough
to join the White Party?
This is really inappropriate, baby.
Thin enough for what?
Yeah, Carlos. What
are you talking about?
Oh so, I guess you didn't tell them.
Carlos, shut the fuck up.
Ok, well of course you know.
You can't tell me that you, of all
people, approve of this?
No, I don't. But it's not my decision.
Nor is it yours.
- You know what, Back the fuck off, or
- Or what?
Ok both of you... Calm down and
take five, or eight. Twelve.
Hey man, who the fuck are you?
seriously, I mean, where the fuck did
you come from, anyway?
Carlos!
Please... stop.
Fuck man! !
Can someone tell me what the fuck
just happened here?
Junior here just strapped on a pair of
brass balls is what happened!
- Are you getting the lap band?
- Brent.
- What?
- Leave it.
It's OK. Yes, I am getting the lap
band. I'm going into surgery the
Monday after BearCity.
Michael, that's next weekend.
I know, I know. And thank you for
coming to my defense, but you guys
please don't be too hard on Carlos, I
know this is really tough on him.
And you, thank you for stepping in
between the two people I love most in
the world and keep them from killing
themselves.
Yeah, you got all Judge Judy on her.
I was impressed.
so was I.
I just wanted to make sure I put
in my footlong order.
Hey Rodge!
Teddy Bear! What is up?
How's it going?
What's cooking?
Apparently you are! Nice apron.
Ahh, sexy fuck.
What up man?
Yo man what up?
sup.
Alright, who's hungry? Huh?
Oh yeah, I'll take two of
everything, man.
I'll have what he's having.
I'm sorry, Brent. It just happened.
I know. I saw. You think I'm stupid?
No, I don't. I was stoned.
Oh, what's fucking new?
Why didn't you say something?
What am I supposed to say, Fred?
''Tyler, can you please get your taint
out of my husband's face''?
Oh fuck, I can't believe I did that.
I can't believe you did it after we
just talked about how you were OK
with not doing it.
That was the truth, Brent. I wasn't
looking to open the relationship.
Then what are you looking for
in the crack of his ass?
C'mon Brent! You weren't exactly up
for things all the time, you know.
Oh ok, right? so I'm totally impotent
just because I don't want to
have fucking sex all the time.
I'm sorry. I'm just getting a lot of
mixed signals here, Brent. One minute
you're up for trying new things and
then you do a 180.
Fine. I will do it.
see!
see.
Oh.. God.
Hey, baby. This is a work-in-progress.
If this doesn't work out we'll talk,
and we'll figure something else out
that does work for both of us. OK?
Okay
I love you.
I love you too.
Aww, sweetie.
More, more.
God I love stroller meat.
simon?
The one and only!
Jesus, if I have needed to see anybody
right now you are the perfect person
who has just skated into my heart.
Now I'm necessary in your life?
simon, listen to me.
Not even a single text message.
Ok, I am sorry, simon. I'm sorry, I'm
sorry. What else do I have to prove to
you how sorry I am. Besides what
you're thinking in your head.
You are so lucky I still want
to tap that ass.
What are you doing?
What have you been up to?
I just got emancipated from my
slave labe at Urban O's.
When the hell did you
start working there?
Oh well, since you flaked on us Cory
and I found a third. Jasyn. He hooked
me up. It's Jasyn with a ''y.'' He's
friends with Bryan with a ''y.''
Oh yes, because vowels just don't cut
it for the gay generation anymore.
I miss you, Ty.
I miss you too, simon. I'm sorry for
bailing on you guys, really.
And I'm sorry that I said that thing
about the thing, and the other thing.
Right, whatever that just meant
it means a lot.
I hear the siren song of starbitches
coffee.
someone looking for a caffeine
infusion?
Coffee, no. I think I'd rather die.
Let's go back to your place
and have a real drink.
Done!
so your telling me he stuck his
fingers in your ass? Cheers to that!
Notice anything different?
Um... you're now a part of
the rhythm nation?
Hello - I lost 5 whole pounds! I
thought I'd have you drooling by now.
Actually, gaining ten would probably
put you in the right direction.
What? You mean you want
me to have a roll?
Twenty pounds.
A muffin top?
Thirty.
Are you suggesting a... I mean a...
a whole... a belly?
Yeah, throw some hair on that belly
and I think we're talking perfection.
What happened to you? Were you
dropped on your head as a child?
Oh God, simon, please don't ever
change. You know, scratch that.
Mature, but please don't ever change.
Wow, I had no idea. I honestly thought
it was me, why you never, you know.
Oh, simon, there's nothing wrong
with you. Physically.
Ok, listen, I do.. I really do
appreciate you. It's hard, I have
nobody else outside all this anymore
to just, you know, vent to.
Yeah, that's a lot of drama you've got
going on.
Don't bears just cuddle and eat fish
all day?
Please. Bears can be just as gossipy
and superficial as the circuit queens,
ok? Have you heard of musclebears?
No?
Well, those are Roger's buddies,
they're all like the Third Bear Reich.
You not only have to be big and hairy,
you have to be muscular to boot.
Muscular? I always thought you joined
the bear scene
after you lost the battle of the
bulge.
God, I love your sophisticated world
views, it's so FOX News.
sorry, but, c'mon, does a big guy with
a rug on his back really turn you on?
Yes, yes it does.
Wow. You like bears.
I like bears.
OK. And you specifically like this
Roger guy.
This unobtainable Lost Ark of the
Covenant bear.
Yeah, he might be as old as
Indiana Jones.
What?
He's a little bit older, you know.
How old?
Ok. I need you to focus here, simon.
I need to get this guy's attention.
Well, at least you're consistent. You
always used to go after the
unobtainable ones when you hung out
with us too.
That's because I wasn't trying to
obtain them.
This guy I really want to get his
attention.
Are you thinking what I'm thinking?
Yup. You need clothes that don't fit.
The ''Bear Book'' oh and
the ''Bear Book'' sequel.
simon, do you really think Roger
is gonna like all this stuff? Ok.
Oh my God, Ty. It's like Bear-neys in
here! Look at all of this great stuff!
Ok, personal shopper easy on it. But
you know, maybe if you're lucky
I'll let you manscape me later.
Thanks.
C'mon, Ty. Do you need help
adjusting anything?
Hang on. Gimme two minutes.
Oh my God, you look so pretty.
He's gonna love it.
Hey, bears! Welcome to Furfest, the
official kick off party of BearCity
weekend. Let's get rowdy, and let the
fur start flyin'!
What's the problem?
We're at capacity. Just gimme
a minute, alright?
I've been here for twenty minutes.
Roger, how you doin' handsome?
Good to see you.
You too. Lookin' good as always.
Right back at ya.
What the fuck!
What can I get you, handsome daddy?
Can I get a Bourbon.
Bourbon? Ok.
Keep the change.
Hey hot cub, what can I get you?
Bourbon on the rocks.
I got it.
I didn't know you were a
bourbon drinker.
Apparently there's a few things you
don't know about me, Rodge.
Apparently.
You look great tonight.
You don't look so bad yourself.
You know,
you almost nailed that spare.
Yeah, I know.
The unmakeable shot.
Is it?
Well look who it is.
What can I get you, hot Bear?
Whiskey, rocks.
You know you could've brought me in
with you before. I am a hot guy,
you're a hot guy - we would have the
whole city talking.
They're already talking.
Yes. All talk, no action.
Arriba, abajo, al centro,
para adentro.
You're a nasty oso.
You know spanish?
I've spent some time in spain...
And inside a few spaniards.
I'm Andalusian.
Is there a difference?
Oh, si.
It all starts with the way you
place your tongue.
I see.
I don't think you do.
- Roger.
- Fernando.
Whooo!
Whoo! Double points.
Triple score!
Oh my God!
shit, Tyler! You scared the
hell out of me!
Haven't you ever heard of knocking?!
Oh God, you're officially whatever the
PC term is for 'retarded'.
Hand me those shorts.
Hey, it's my cardio. Ok? Gym
memberships cost a fortune in this
city. What are you doing here, anyway?
shouldn't you be gettin' your Bear on?
I dunno, sy. He's like... he's like
emotionally unavailable. You know, one
minute I feel like we're connecting
and you know, he's going to give me
that Hollywood kiss and the next
minute he's acting like Mr. Tough Guy
in front of his bowling buddies.
Bowling buddies?
Is that like a metaphor?
No, simon, it's like bowling, like
um.. like the sport.
These are the Muscle Bears you
were talking about?
Yep. Today I lost him to some random
albeit hot asshole who
decided to cut in between us.
Well then don't let anyone cut in
between you again.
Did he like the Bear drag?
He loved it. It was perfect. He said I
looked great. His words.
OK, then, that's it. I'm coming with
you tomorrow night and you're going
to tell this guy how you feel once and
for all.
Wow, sy. I've never seen you
so forceful before.
It's kinda hot, right? You want
me now. I know it.
Yes, the ironic headband just
pushed me right over the edge.
Nope, God I like bears.
Where do I buy Rogaine?
so, Fernando? What brings
you to New York.
Holiday, I am here for a week.
so what do you do in..
Barcelona.
Barcelona?
I am a Go-Go Dancer at
the Bear Factory.
Are you joking?
No, have you ever been?
Yeah. Yeah I've been there.
Is there good money in that?
Yeah, I do OK.
How about you?
I think you probably can't pay your
bills as a Go-Go Dancer in New York.
Lord knows I've tried.
No, I'm in finance.
And you don't have a boyfriend?
What about you? You have some French
or German musclebear waiting for you
in a hotel room down in the financial
district?
No, no, I am flying solo. It's hard in
spain, no one is interested in a
relationship. They just want to have
sex with tourists. It gets boring
after a while. That's why I'm thinking
about moving here.
That's understandable,
it never gets boring here.
No, to find someone.
I didn't take you as a nester.
I'm thinking about it. That's the
reason I am here this week. I was
planning to look at apartments, for
work, a new life.
As a Go-Go dancer?
No, I just did that to put myself
through University.
I'm a massage therapist.
Oh really?
si.
Are you good?
The best. Do you want a massage?
I want a lot of things, but I'll
start with a massage.
Baum chicka bouw boum. Bauw!
What do you want?
Do the wave!
I knew it.
Nice.
- You put it in?
- Yeah.
You wrote the right name?
- Yes, stop.
- With two X's. X X L?
Yes double X, L.
OK, we got a few more here, so we're
gonna put these messages in your
envelopes. so come up when I call your
name. Texas Bear... You've got Mail!
- This is stupid.
- It's not stupid. It's hot.
Wait so, it's hot?
You're lookin' cool.
shut up.
FuzzyCub4Daddy... You've got Mail!
BeerCan Double XL... you've got
mail... that's a shocker.
mail... that's a shocker.
Oh good. Now he's gotta go two flights
up to find us.
Hiding in the corner of the roof.
We're not hiding. Just looking casual,
just lookin' cool.
sent him a note instead
of just talking to him.
Danny, I need a better screen name
than ''Frank Furter.''
sure Frank. Try this one.
''Auntie Biotic?''
Hey, I'm BeerCan Double XL.
Prove it.
I got your proof right here!
- What'd you write?
- Doesn't matter.
- Did you write something cool?
- Yeah, it's totally cool.
Fuck yeah.
He's coming.
Oh there he is.
I'm gonna cross my arms,
does this look cool?
Yeah, it's cool.
Chill.
Hey.
Hey.
I got your note.
- That's hot.
- Yeah that's fucking hot.
so, you interested, Bro?
The name's Mel... And you are?
I'm Fred and this is my hot
motherfucking partner Brent.
sometimes our friends call us..
Call us Bert and Ernie.
Fuck. Not if they want to live.
Or get some.
Yeah. That's right.
How about I just call you two the
hottest holes I've ever turned out?
Like inside out?
Possibly.
Fuck.
Come on.
Good.
I'm trying to get clean.
Let me get some of that..
How does my hair look?
My hair look cool?
Wait, wait. Oh it's very cool.
Hey boys.
We don't need that.
No we don't. What's the
minimum at this table?
Ummm... the house welcomes your bet.
Yeah, poker, whatever.
Yeah, fuck yeah.
Easy, easy. Uncle Mel won't forget
about you, handsome.
- Yeah?
- Yeah.
Easy on the nipples, Kid, Uncle
Mel likes it soft.
I'm sorry, sir. I mean, Uncle
Melvin. I've been a bad boy.
That's a good boy. Yeah.
He's a good boy.
Hey, man easy with the finger in my
hole. You gotta' go smooth.
I'm sorry, Uncle Mel. I'm sorry.
Uncle Mel will guide ya. Yeah.
What the fuck? Hey, what the
hell you doin' Kid?!
I thought you would like that?
You thought I'd like that?!
- Well, he likes it...
- What? You like it?
No I don't like it..
What the fuck is going on
with you amateurs?
I don't like that..
You know guys are fucked. Yeah, I
am getting the fuck out of here.
Uncle Mel!
Oh my God.
Holy shit, Brent!
''Holy shit, Brent?!'' You're not
pinning this on me just because I won.
What'd you win? Asshole of the year
award for your water sports antics?
No, Mr. finger missile, you won that
when you
decided to open this relationship.
You decided to do this! I was over it.
Karma.
I'm an adult.
Oh my God.
Oh come on! This is a door,
can we try using it..
Oh holy shit, I'm calling 91 1!
Wait, shit.
Tyler, wait!
Uncle Mel?
Is it good?
Yeah, just like my dick.
What's up.
I.D. please? Thank you.
Woof! Grrr.
What are you doing?
Getting my bear on.
Ok simon, do not embarrass me.
Ok.
Thank you.
Grr.
Let's go.
Oh, it's good!
Really good?
Yeah, you want one?
You know what, let's do it. I have
just had a week of job interviews
and made it through.
Didn't you have a promising interview?
The interview was not promising,
the job was. Broadway.com.
What is this Broadway you speak of?
Who let you in here?
I am on your side.
Aww. May we please taste
your Dirty Jock?
Three Dirty Jocks coming up!
Oh ok, what exactly is in
a Dirty Jock, Randy?
I'll be right with you. It's vodka,
club soda, olive juice chilled to
perfection, topped with an olive.
Martini in a shot glass.
With some bubbles.
It's not girlie enough for me.
What's up!
Two more.
Guys, this is my old roommate and
dear dear friend, simon.
Hello ursine creatures!
I come in peace.
Oh how sweet. Michael.
simon, nice to meet you.
simon, this is my new roommate Fred.
Enchanted.
And the ever charming Brent.
Hi.
Nice to finally meet you both. Oh,
I hope your uncle's OK.
Ohh, was there a newsletter?
Put a banner up?
I'm going to kill you.
C'mon guys, I ain't got all night.
One for beauty.
Beast.
You wanna take this
drink here, Fred?
I'm gonna be rude guys, and
make a toast to myself.
To the new me... inside
all this old me!
Ah yes.
Cheers.
Ew!
What the hell was that?
Awful.
That was Randy's Dirty Jock.
Yeah, tastes like it.
Fuck you bitches. Die of thirst.
so, what happened with Broadway.com?
Alright, alright. Listen to this. What
had happened was, as usual I get to
the interview and I am drenched in
sweat. The guy, the embryo ya know, I
was interviewing with goes out to his
receptionist right at that moment.
Grr.
What are you doing? No!
Boys! Your elder is talking.
I'm sorry father.
so, I go up to shake his hand, it
slides off a torrent of wet. But
that's not when I lost it. I get in
his office, I put my big chubby buns
up in a chair. Make sure I don't break
it. Lean back and the button from my
belly drops into the sky, 360 degree
turns swear to this day and lands
right on his desk.
You are lying.
True.
Oh girl, that is so hot!
That's horrifying!
It's hot-rrifying!
Just trying it out.
Your comedy done run dry girl.
No? I'm a giver.
Any other day I might have gone to the
chicken shack, the taco haven. I'd run
down and got me some chocolate
ringlets, a couple of Cornish hens.
But I thought to myself I'm gonna lose
so much weight, I gonna go back, I'm
gonna get this job. I'm gonna take it.
That's right.
Well, what ever ended up happening
with the whole button thing then?
Well, I made a joke. I said it's
''Occupational hazard for us Bears''. He
laughed politely, and then he offered
me a sewing kit.
No.
As one does.
As one do.
Lord, I'm so sorry baby.
Oh it was a moment. But you know
what, I've got friends like y'all, I'm
gonna lose 227 pounds. I'm gonna
conquer the world.
That's sweet.
Yes, it is, just like you.
Wahoo. Uh hum. see this? see what I'm
doing here? This is what the kids call
the ''E'' kicking in. And I am starting
my roll as they say, so I think I'm
gonna get on the dance floor and start
dancing!
schweet!
Did he just say he had ''E''?
simon.
Right. Chao. Come on you guys,
come on let's go dance.
C'mon. Michael. Let's go dance, baby.
Oh I'm too old for this shit.
Get your fat ass up and
get on the dance floor.
Oh don't call me out like that!
You are officially tryin' to kill me.
Awe baby. Come on Papa,
gotta move your hips.
If I move my hips anymore
they're gonna fall off.
C'mon Daddy, you can do it!
Where'd you get this one? That's
a nice Christmas present.
He likes the buffet.
What was that? What was that?
You the monorail.
Hold for bus.
Come here Cece Pennington.
Calm down.
Hey what about the kid?
Tell him to come on over.
Yeah wind him in.
Get if off, come on take it off.
I guess it wouldn't be a gay club if
I didn't take my shirt off.
Hey, where the hell is simon?
I fell in.
I'm gonna kill this bitch.
Kill this bitch.
Well, look what we have here!
Hey, Roger!
Which one is Roger?
Guys, this is Fernando
from Barcelona...
... can we join in?
Yeah come in, Rodge. Back it up.
You boy, in front!
You, close your mouth,
you're drooling.
He is fucking hot, Rodge.
He's moving in with me.
Did somebody put ''E'' in my dirty jock?
Did he just say he's moving
in with him?
Ty, you OK?
Yeah, sure.
- Congratulations.
- Alright, I'll see you later.
I'm hungry. I want some chicken.
- Poop hat.
- Poop hat.
should I even ask what
you're laughing at?
No.
That's Uncle Mel?
You are out of your mind.
Where'd yall get ecstasy?
Oh, from the Circuit Bear
in the front.
- Oh, you mean Doug?
- Doug.
- Figures.
- Figures.
Tyler.
Water.
You're welcome, Bobby and Whitney.
Thanks Ty.
Hello.
I needed that, I am so sweaty.
Where's your new roommate?
- He went to go peeth.
- Peeth.
This is a new development.
Would you tell your real friends
what's going on?
Certainly, Michael, my love.
What would you like to know?
Well start at ''we met in the back
room'' and go from there.
For your information we did not meet
in the back room...
we met at the bar upstairs last night.
Balls, tell us the story
about his balls.
He's like your telenovela counterpart!
You guys are tripping balls,
aren't you?
- Balls.
- Balls.
Ignore. Talk to Daddy.
Look, I realize this may be
uncharacteristic
but I'm not going to kiss and tell.
What?! You always tell every story
about every Tom, Dick and Harry.
Tom's dick is hairy.
That was funny, that was funny baby.
Moving in? You just met the guy.
Love at first grope.
That's what it's called.
No, no. Love at first sounds!
Ooh, put that wire hanger
up your little..
No one would even miss them
if they were gone.
I will pay you to take them out.
I'm going to go find simon.
Who's simon?
Tyler's old roommate. He a nice li'l
piece of chicken. But you, tell me
what's goin' on with you?
Michael, I have no idea
what you're talking about.
How long we known each other?
That would be since the Mesozoic age.
Ah, since Pangaea broke apart. And you
have never acted like this. I think
you have feelings for someone, but it
ain't this spaniard.
Michael, please don't
psychoanalyze me.
I am your oldest friend, if I don't
psychoanalyze you, who is gonna do it?
I just want you to be happy.
I am happy.
And now I'm going to go find
my Latin stud.
Oh yeah.
Put it here.
Is that a tear?
I'll put it up here.
Oh baby.
That's cold.
That's cold.
Hey what's goin' on?
Hey Rodge, who you lookin' for?
This guy I met last night.
Oh yeah? Well if you find him, send
him on over to me,
I'll break him in for ya.
Have a good night Buck.
Excuse me.
Rodge, wait.
Tyler, please.
Hey!
Did you see what that
asshole just did?
Yes, please forgive that asshole, ok?
I'm in love with him.
That was Roger?
Yes, simon, go use another bathroom.
This some Tyra Banks shit!
sorry, big guy, Woof! Grr!
Hey Rodge?
Please, Rodge.
If I think I'm an asshole, then I
imagine the sentiment is mutual.
When are you going to stop giving a
shit about what everyone thinks,
and do what you want?
Kid, what people think is all I see.
so why don't you close
your eyes for once.
Aww.
Peeping Tom much?
I'm sorry Ty, but that
was so beautiful.
Please tell me you know this child.
No I can't say I do.
Feel free to kill him.
Nice.
Hi, we haven't been properly
introduced. I'm simon.
What up kid? I'm Roger.
Hey, simon?
Oh, I'm sorry. I'll leave you two,
there's bound to be some Kylie playing
in this club somewhere...
Oh! I'm so-
Woof! Daddy's here.
Ohhhhhhh.... my God
I can't believe I...
What did I say?
Don't worry. Once you get to know him,
he's exactly what you think he is.
God, you're beautiful.
What do you say?
You ready to go make an
appearance with me?
Baby, I was just looking for you.
Keep looking, I'm back there
somewhere.
Fuck you. There are plenty of you
back there.
Who wants to eat my ass?
Last call.
Veto.
What about him?
Veto.
- What about him?
- Veto.
- Why?
- He has a cold sore.
Oh my God.
What's up?
Um.
Mel.
How you doin'?
I'm good.
Woof.
so, you guys play?
Um. No, no. We're monogamous.
Yeah, yeah sorry dude.
Monogamous. I'm sorry.
We're from outta town.
Can't blame me for trying.
Good to meet you.
Oh God, thanks... I like your hat.
Oh my God.
stupid.
You have to take care of
this knee, Gordito.
How does that feel?
Much better, now.
I love you, Michael.
I love you too, Osito.
And I want to be with you in
the hospital when you go.
Really?
I would be lucky to be by your side.
Thank you.
That won't be necessary.
Why, Gordito?
Please.
Carlos, I'm not gonna
have the surgery.
Really?
Really.
Oh my God. When did you decide this?
When you put the ice on my knee.
Come here, Gordito!
Did you have fun last night?
Oh I know you did had fun last night.
I saw you in the backroom.
I wasn't in the backroom.
- You were in the backroom.
- I was not!
When he put the ice on my knee I knew
it. I was letting the world's narrow
view of beauty dictate my self worth
and disregarding
the people who love me just how I am.
Besides, you know how much
a new wardrobe costs these days?
Ah, yes.
You two are so cute. And by cute, I
mean I just.. Oh yeah, I definitely
just threw up in my
mouth a little bit.
Be that as it may, you both look very
cute. surreal though it may be.
Oh Mick, you know
I'm bigger than that.
My phone, my phone.
My chubby fingers trying to
work this thing...
I got the job at Broadway.com!
Oh my God, baby. That's great.
Congratulations!
Don't you dare start singing
fucking showtunes...
I might sing some showtunes.
Dude, that's awesome!
Baby, stop moving,
everything's spinning.
Oh, sorry.
Hey bitches.
Randy!
I thought you weren't working today.
I'm not. These are on me. DIRTY JOCKs
ALL THE WAY AROUND!
Listen up, everyone's attention. Let's
give a big shout out to the peeps that
put on this whole thing together and
to the bartenders who had to put up
with your shit all week. TO ANOTHER
sUCCEssFUL BEARCITY!
Cheers!
Drink it up, queers.
Have fun boys. I'm outta here.
Hey Roger.
What up Ted?
What's going on?
You remember Tyler?
Yeah, I lost ten bucks on the kid.
What, you baby-sitting?
Tyler and I are together so just
watch the fucking attitude.
Ok, Ok. sorry man.
I didn't mean anything.
Tyler, I'm sorry. I didn't
mean any disrespect.
You got a great man here.
Yeah I know, Teddy Bear.
Hey guys, here you go.
Hope you all can make it.