1
I love you
You are the ideal
Of my dreams
I always knew
There would be someone like you
I've loved you forever
seems
For years in my mind
Fondest Buncie
A picture of your fan
I drew
And I knew you somehow
When I met you just now
You are the ideal
Of
W
Dreams
(Sighs)
What are you getting so mushy about?
Well, I'm glad you asked me.
I couldn't keep it from you much longer.
- What?
- Life's biggest moment.
I'm going to be married.
You don't believe me.
Yes, I don't be...
What do you mean, you don't believe me?
Didn't I just tell you
I was going to be married?
- Who to?
- Why, a woman, of nurse!
Did you ever hear
of anybody marrying a man?
- Sure.
- Who?
My sister.
This is no time for levity.
She's the sweetest girl you ever saw.
Well-read, traveled all over the world...
loved by everyone.
And she's mine. All mine.
Well, what do you think of her?
What do levity' mean?
Levity is a synonymum!
You know what a synonymum is!
A synonymum is...synomum...
(Knock at door)
Hello?
- What are you doing?
- Somebody knocking on the phone.
That's levity!
- Hello, Mr Levity?
- (Knocking, louder)
Go to the door!
Hello, Mr Levity"!
Hmm!
(Knocking)
Letter for Mr Hardy!
- Thank you, Mr Levity.
- Y, sir!
(Inhales)
It's from her.
Wait till I find my glasses.
(Sniffs)
You read it, I can't find them.
My dear, darling, precious Oliver...
(Chuckles)
'..as I sit writing this note to you,
with your picture in front of me...
'I have decided
"that all is ever between us...
"for I love another.
'Your one-time sweetheart, Jean.
(Groaning)
What's the matter?
Yeah, but I wasn't listening.
Didn't you read it?
Give me that letter!
Wait a minute, there's some more.
Have you seen my glasses?
"B.S .
It's best we never see each other again.
Jeanie Weenie.
What does she mean, 'B.s.'?
Big Sucker', I guess.
Now I see it all.
You vampire.
You wrecker of men's happiness!
And I learned about women from you!
(Sighs)
Come, Stanley.
- (Sighs)
- Where are you going?
We're going where we can forget.
What do you mean we've got to forget?
None of your business! Come on!
- I haven't got anything to do with...
- (Yelling)
(J' Bugle all)
Ten-hull
Present arms!
Lower arms!
Guards!
(J' Upbeat march)
(J' Laurel & Hardy theme)
Close gates!
(Band Stops)
- Sir, the new recruits.
- (Officer) Numbers, holler!
- One!
- Two!
- Seven!
- Eight!
- Three!
- Four!
- Five!
- Six!
- Nine!
- Ten!
- 11.
-12!
- 13!
- 14!
- 15!
- 16!
- 17!
- 18!
- 19!
- 20!
21!
21!
Come come, what is your number?
Hollywood-4368.
(All laugh)
- Silent-l
- (Laughter stem)
This is no plan for levity.
(Mouths)
- What's your name?
- This is my friend Mr Laurel, Admiral.
My name is Hardy. Oliver Norville Hardy.
Joined up together, eh?
- Yes, ma'am.
- Er, we're buddies.
Well, you mainly are a sorry looking pair.
- We're not sorry.
- No, sir, we're just discouraged.
What on earth ever prompted you
to join the Legion?
- Well, Brigadier, it was like this...
- I came here to help him forget.
Forget? Forget what?
(Mouths)
Well? Well?
I forgot.
You forgot what you come here to forget?!
Well, we'll see that you don't forget
what you're here for!
We'll start whipping them
into shape tomorrow!
(Officer) Yes, sir!
Attention! Right fan
Fall out! One-two-one!
(Quiet chatter)
What's the matter?
Can we get a room by ourselves?
Certainly. I'll get you a room with a bath(I)
(Man sighs)
(Man) I. mia bambina. L'unico amor mio.
You didn't ought to have done it, baby.
She's traveled all over the world.
Loved by everyone.
And she's mine. All mine.
- That settles it.
- What?
- Come on.
- Where?
None of your business. Come on!
Well?
If you please, sir,
we'd like to rectify a small mistake.
- Mistake?
- Yes, sir.
Sine. joining your army
we find that we've been disillusioned.
- Disillusioned?
- Yes, sir, disillusioned.
You see, sir, it was like this -
we came here because of a woman.
Hm. 9996 of us do. What of it?
Well, most luckily, sir, we found out
just in time that this woman wasn't worth it.
No, sir. You know what she did...?
And we've decided to leave
before it's too late.
So you've decided to leave, have you?
Yes, sir. If any mail comes for us
send it to this address.
What do you think this is, a picnic?!
You're here, and here you're going to shy.
This is the army of forgotten souls.
Men come to this Godforsaken spot
to forget and be forgotten!
Men came here to accept the hardships
of the desert and the wasteland!
To be without food! Without water!
And to laugh at it all! (Laughs)
Your comrades will fall
bleeding and dying at your side.
And you're here to stay until
the rattle in your dying throats relieves you!
Back to your quarters.
Yes, sir. Thank you, sir.
(Inaudible)
(Sighs)
Back to your quarters!
Goodbye.
Captain Schultz!
(Bang, man yells)
Take that. new recruits
and put them through their pee-c!
- Now, sir?
- At on... do you hear me? At on!
Yes, sir!
(Colonel) Open the gates! Open the gates!
(J' Slightly off-hey march)
(Men cheering and laughing)
(Colonel) Company halt!
Well, well. Why, my comrades,
you're looking better already.
Get them to bed early. Thursday, tomorrow,
we'll take them out for a real march.
- Yes, sir!
- Mr General?
Couldn't you make that Friday?
I can't get up in the mornings... (Subs)
(General) Silent-l
(Officer) Right turn!
(Marching drumbeat)
Oh...
I'm so tired, my feet are killing me.
Oh.
Oh...
(Groans)
(Sighs) That feels so good.
Oh...
(Slapping)
(Sighs)
Ohh...
Scratch my back.
Scratch your own back,
I've got troubles of my own.
Oh...
The gates! The gates! The gates!
(Excited chattel)
Come in!
What news from our ally?
Bad news, sahib. The Riffs are preparing
to make an attack on Fort Arid.
- How strong are they?
- They number more than the hairs
in the head of Mohammad.
We must have reinforcements
or the post is doomed.
You may go.
- Marching orders, Captain.
- Yes, sir.
Take every man -
you leave at one. for Fort Arid.
- Not the new recruits, sir?
- The experience will do them good.
- But they're tired...
- That is the time to train men,
show them what
the hardships of the desert mean.
- Spare no man but return here quickly.
- Y, my colonel.
- Ollie.
- What?
I feel just like Jeanie Weenie.
What do you mean,
you feel just like Jeanie Weenie?
I feel like I've traveled all over the world.
Go to sleep!
(J' Bugle all)
Attention! Full marching equipment!
Fall in! Come on!
(Man) If he's gonna make us march...
(Men yelling)
Ow!
(Men shunting. drum heating)
- (Officer) Attention!
- (Yelling stops)
Right shoulder, arms!
Right fan!
Forward march!
(J' Band strikes up marching tune)
(Men cheering)
- What's the idea?
- (Whimpering) I couldn't find my trousers!
Stop that squalling!
Hey! What have you got your hat
turned like that for?
Keeps the sun out of the eyes.
Try it, it's great.
That's a great idea.
(Ollie yelling, Stan whimpering)
Company...halt!
(Officer) Company ham!
(Painting with indignation)
Get back in your plans!
Get in your lines!
Fall in! Do you hear?!
(Groaning)
- Where's your equipment?
- Eh?
Where's your equipment?
- I wrapped it up in yours.
- Oh.
- Why, you can't...
- (Officer) All right, march!
But he's got my...l
(Officer) You! Get in the line!
And stay there!
- You...l
- Fall in there!
Get a move on!
(Wind howling)
(Blows whistle)
Sandstorm approaching, men!
- Indian file!
- Indian file!
Bring him in.
I am the commander. What do you want?
Does the commander
wish to surrender new or not?
Surrender? Hm!
Not while I have a man left.
Hm.
By the gran of Allah,
this is your last char]...
You have my answer. Go!
Then the bones
of your beloved Legionnaires
will lie bleaching in the desert sand.
- (Men yelling)
- Steady, men!
He's under a flag of truce.
Now, then...go back to your scavengers!
You can expect anything at any time.
(spits)
Comrades... Comrades, it...
it looks like the end.
Unless help arrives we are doomed.
Caught like...like rah in a trap.
Oh... Oh, why don't they come?!
Why don't they come?!
(Men, faintly in distant.)
"Step. step. step. step-
One, two, three, four,
step. step. step. step. step-
One, two, three, four, step, step...
(Colonel) Company, halt!
(Knocking)
Don't do that! It may be another trick!
- Who's there?
- (Man) Legionnaires!
- They're here. They're here! Relief at last!
- (Men cheering)
Open the gates! Open the gates!
(Cheering stops)
Pardon me, is this Fort Arid?
Right shoulder, arms!
Forward march!
Company, halt!
Why...where are the rest of the men?
Well, you see, Commodore, it was like this.
We were sent here with a company,
they got lost
so I took charge of what was left.
Shoot now!
All men, back to your posh!
Two more gone.
- You'll have to take their plans.
- Yes, sir.
Their ammunition is nearly done.
Go, climb the walls and open the gates
and give us the signal.
Go!
- Allah akaber!
- Allah be with thee!
Don't keep following me!
You go that way and I'll go this way!
(Gunshot)
(Gunshots)
Get over there.
(Grunts)
(Gunshot)
- (Machine-gun fire)
- (Yells)
- (Gunshot)
- Oh!
The signal! Allah be praised,
the gates are open!
Onward! Onward!
(All yelling)
(Gunfire)
The gates! The gates!
- (Yelling from outside)
- They're coming to get us!
To the walls, men! Use the hand grenades,
it's our only chance
Take those grenades and hold the gate.
To your plans, men!
(Gunfire and yelling)
(Grenade ticking)
Ah! Throw it! Throw it! Throw it quick!
No! Throw it out! Over the gates!
Throw ill
Oh!
Oh! Oh! Where is it?!
Oh! Oh! Oh!
Oh-ho!
Oh! Oh! Oh!
Just hang on there!
(30!h yell)
(Stan whimpering hysterically)
(Ollie yelling)
Give up! Oh! Ah!
(Yelping)
(Yelling and cheering)
(All chanting)
(Chanting continues)
(Cheering)
(Yelping and screaming)
(Yelling)
(Marching drumbeat)
(Yelling in distant.)
- Charge!
- (All yelling)
(J' Rousing bugle all)
(Cheering)
We've captured the chief of the riff ram
Yes, sir, he was trying to make
a getaway on his dormitory.
Not dormitory - dromedary!
Oh, yeah, 1; thing that eats dates.
Search him and take him away.
Ooh!
No, sahib, not that that. Anything but...
Shh!
Wait a minute!
Ooh!
- Take him away!
- Yes, but I think you'll definitely...