2
Tatiana!
Excuse me, sorry.
Tatiana?
Oh, Mr. Wayne, how
charming, you found me.
I'm desperately searching
for Honey, have you seen her?
Pardon?
I'm looking for Honey,
have you seen her?
Honey?
Yes.
I don't know where she
is, come on, join in.
No, I can't, thank you.
Oh come you rascal,
jump in the conga line
and debauch for eternity.
I'm alright.
Oh come on
handsome, loosen up.
Honey?
Honey!
You called Madam?
Brilliant.
You're the perfect size.
Good.
I'm at a loss at detecting
what you mean exactly.
That is your
profession sir, to detect.
I have my moments.
We all have our moments.
The art lies in making
a habit of them.
Call me honey.
How do you do Honey?
Inspector Shoerope.
Yes.
You have some catching up
to do Inspector Shoerope.
Champagne?
Oh, thank you but I refrain
from the liquor when on duty.
Fuck that.
I'm yet to start your
industrial clock.
Go on.
If you insist.
Never insist, always persist.
So what am I?
I'm sorry?
For my Hallow's
Eve costume party.
Welcome, you ghastly
ghouls of Hallow's Eve,
to the annual costume contest.
You know what time it is.
I hereby announce, commence.
If I call your name
you are a nominee,
saunter your suave self
onto this very stage
and have a fine boogie-woogie
with yours truly.
You are invited.
Your nominees are,
Candy.
Mr. Fairweather.
Mr. Allbright.
Honey.
Kitty.
And last but by no
means least, Mr. Wayne.
Right.
Please don't tell me
you're completely unaware.
I'm afraid so.
Huh.
Shame.
Here.
A bee.
Correct.
You really should place
Hallow's Eve in your calendar.
It's such a marvelous occasion.
It's also my birthday.
Why,
many happy returns.
Aren't you going
to ask my age?
Gentlemen never do.
Ladies never tell.
I have an entire room
filled with costumes
Inspector Shoerope,
a vast collection,
for to feast your eyes.
Everything from cowboys to
Indians to pirates to sailors,
to kings, to queens,
to cops, to robbers.
But for you, I know exactly
what your get-up should be.
I'm in your hands.
Like I said,
it will fit perfectly.
You're the same
size, you and my...
You were the same size.
It was precisely as this
we entered the dance floor
only a year ago,
my husband and I.
We held hands like so, you
and me, this very second.
Although where I am
utterly disappointed,
is my husband was consuming
liquor far quicker.
As I spoke upon my arrival,
mixing business with pleasure
is against my code of conduct.
Well change your code
with gusto dear sir.
It is I conducing your
cherished conduct after all.
You must spend your
evening exactly as my dear
deceased husband spent
his because then,
and only then, can
you detect the truth.
Conveniently at this juncture
we separated upon my saying,
run along darling and obtain
yourself another drink.
You know I like my men wet.
Excuse me, there we go.
I say, cheeky.
A mightily strong touch
you possess Sheriff.
Apologies Madam,
I'm attempting my way
into the bar is all.
That is most certainly
not all, the two of us
bar-bound now sir, take my hand,
lead me to the watering-hole.
I'm really just trying
to sneak on through, Madam.
Sneak for two damn you, I
insist, with a vigorous thirst.
Certainly, ah, Mr. Wayne.
Tatiana, thoughts on my
costume please Mr. Wayne?
Grand.
Thank you, I'm a Gazelle.
Huh, delightful
Last year, I was a rhinoceros.
Very impressive.
And the year
before that, a hippo.
Very fucking impressive.
The idles of a
wasted war-time youth.
Not wasted on me, my knees
most certainly went idle.
Is it loaded?
I have replaced the costume
revolver with my own, so yes.
I can tell Sheriff.
May I ask you a question?
You don't think I should have
been a French maid, do you?
No I consider your
bee splendidly special.
Really, truly?
I'm so perfectly
spoiled for choice, see.
I can.
I do so love to
throw a costume party.
It would seem.
Any excuse.
I haven't the pleasure
of attending many.
It is my absolute
favorite avocation.
They do have a certain charm.
Precisely.
And magic.
But the trials
and tribulations...
Of those I am familiar.
Of making up one's own mind.
Honey?
Yes,
Inspector Shoerope?
I'm reluctant to slice such
a moment of contemplation
and deliberation but it's my
professional prerogative, nay,
duty, nay, requirement,
to understand what it is exactly
for which you
summoned my services.
I thought you'd never ask.
One can't be too careful on
this most haunted of evenings.
Prying ears everywhere, you see.
And wandering eyes aplenty.
I'm sure you're often thrust
into tragic circumstances,
a man of your profession,
but this one does carry
a certain particular jeopardy.
Tragedy most certainly is a...
I'm not finished, sir.
Not in the slightest.
You see, exactly
one year ago today,
on this very evening,
and in this very home,
my husband was
brutally murdered.
Gosh.
I'd heard snippets of such a
crime from my new colleagues
in the station but
hadn't the chance to put
two and two together.
Well said, colleagues
were success-less
in their pursuit of the
truth, without imagination.
Imagination is a
gift received all too seldom.
Quite.
And solving a crime requires
more than just dotting
the Is and crossing the Ts.
This is true.
Tell me, how long have you
wielded the weight of justice?
Three weeks, Honey.
My, we've not a
second more to spare.
I've relentlessly ensured
that every party guest
who was in attendance last year
is again present this evening.
Look, I sent out
invitations from the
identical address book,
painstakingly received
and cross-referenced all RSVPs.
And tonight, upon cocktail hour,
I stood at our entrance
as a permanent fixture,
striking off names
without exception
as each respective
individual arrived.
Along with a perfectly
pleasant greeting of course.
Naturally.
So the fucker who
murdered my husband
on this very evening only
a year ago must again
be present tonight.
I see.
And what of the staff?
Whoa
This is
The happy house
We're happy here
In five more years, I'll
have been all of the animals
in a Kenyan safari.
What were you last year?
I wasn't here.
You don't say?
Fresh meat.
You're fortunate
gazelles are herbivores.
For you however, I
might make an exception.
Don't fracture the food
chain on my behalf, please.
What would you like?
Champagne with a twist of
champagne, please and thank you.
Champagne and a scotch.
You're awfully brave
wearing this sheriff costume.
Brave?
Why yes, considering
the tragedy of a year ago.
The murder you mean?
Precisely, and the fact
that the victim was...
Uh!
Bang!
It wasn't me Sheriff,
I didn't do it,
you've got the wrong
man, by golly you have.
Quite the costume
sir, Mr. Conick.
Thank you, Wayne.
Mr. Wayne.
You may so disclose
your ponderings on mine.
Truly something.
I'm Sherlock Holmes.
Yes, you are.
Ooh, excellent choice
my man, scotch me up too.
Oh and I see you're
lubricating the cheeky gazelle.
Stop it Mr. Conick, you
must set a good example.
This is Mr. Wayne's
first year here.
Oh well, aren't you the
needle in the haystack.
Allow me to welcome you to our
wonderful Hallow's Eve bash.
Our?
Mr. Conick is something of a
celebrity around these parts.
It's an honor to
claim your company sir.
Oh my family simply
shares close ties
with the local land is all.
Close ties, meaning they
have all the land tied up.
Don't let our dear
friend's modesty fool you.
If you're looking to
purchase a regional property,
this man's family
shall seal the deal.
We are in Conick-on-Marsh
after all.
What a waster
What a fucking waster
You pissed it
all up the wall
Round the corner
Where they chased her
there's tears coming
I'm in awe of your unique
efforts Honey, really,
but one can never
recreate what has
passed with complete sincerity.
There is always the possibility,
if not inevitability
of a fleeting fancy throwing
a spanner in the works.
Keep your fancy
spanner sheathed.
As it was, as it is.
All that's divergent
is my broken heart.
Last year it was
very much whole.
You have my
undying compassion.
Oh spare me your sympathy.
Feelings are for the frail.
And the frail alone.
I'm right in assuming that,
should I accept
this investigation,
we would be in cahoots in my
insisting none of the guests
discover my true identity.
Go on.
It would compromise the
covert nature of my inquiry.
I would consider calling
myself a certain,
Mr. Wayne.
And all those who
pry shall receive
our agreed decoy
answer, Mr. Wayne.
You are my chaperone, with
whom I intend to conclude
the evening in the height
of passion, concur?
As you wish.
Settled then.
Come, come, time
waits for no man.
Oh, stop it Tatiana,
you'll inflate even the most
viscous of egos
with such flattery.
Not quite any property
you understand Mr. Wayne,
despite my incessant advances,
our magnificent venue
for this evening remains very
much in the tenacious hands
of the charmingly
nouveau Ms. Honey.
Indeed.
I am content with my current
abode but should my wings
grow restless, I'll flap
them in your direction.
When the soaring skies
beckon, a Conick nest, thatched,
swept and dressed awaits.
Here, I'm certain I've seen
your costume before old boy.
Yes, I'm sure, the shop-teller
from whom I'm purchased it
just yesterday advised it was
a particularly potent pick.
Apparently so.
Wonderfully authentic.
Hmm, wonderfully damning too.
Tatiana don't.
He knows.
Knows what.
Enough please.
About Honey's husband.
- Really, come on.
- Oh, I do yes.
A right royal
miserable subject.
And what of it?
Let's hope you
have better luck.
- Must we?
- Luck?
Yes.
No.
Ah, marvelous, allons-y
Tatiana, a dance is due.
Well we can't leave
Mr. Wayne all alone.
Oh, I'm quite
alright, thank you.
What do you mean by all
this luck and bravery?
Well honey's husband was
wearing a sheriff's costume
when he was murdered of course.
It's rather a cursed get-up.
I see.
Don't fret though.
Lightning seldom strikes twice.
My feet are simply ravenous
for a lick of the jitterbug
and I insist they be fed.
A dear moment, golly.
It's been a pleasure Mr. Wayne.
The pleasure
was all mine Tatiana.
Mr. Conick.
Good evening.
Just borrowing you.
Excuse
me for a moment,
a dabble of fun, I assure you.
Whatever's the matter?
Name your game.
Oh, Inspector Shoerope, how
becoming and in such company.
Why this costume?
Sorry?
The costume upon my
back, why this one?
Um, well it's a perfect fit,
and quite magnificently apt.
Oh yes?
That we agreed.
Your murdered
husband was a sheriff.
I did have an ulterior
motive for the marriage
of body to costume, I confess.
I'm listening.
This was the exact garb
my husband was wearing
upon his death only a year ago.
They very same?
Precisely.
Oh no, Inspector Shoerope,
I've preserved it
with such delicate
love and care,
let not a moment of
heat set it alight.
Love and care my foot.
It's evidence if
you please, evidence.
Precisely.
Oh be careful.
It's coming right off.
Please don't do that.
Absolute insanity.
Stop, I beg you.
It's a sordid idea.
This is enough!
I'm bewitched,
Inspector Shoerope.
Bewitched.
Upon my husband's final
exhalation I vowed that
I would deliver his killer
to the unforgiving arms
of justice and I am
eternally haunted until this
I have done.
I desperately assumed
that it would benefit
your investigation and
therefore my bedeviled self
if you looked and you
felt exactly as he did
while trying to solve this most
muddled of murder mysteries.
I am humbled to be
of assistance, Honey.
I can't however
say I'm familiar,
nor comfortable with
such methodology.
Because a man only truly
understands another man
when he's stepping in his
shoes, feeling what he felt,
and possessing
what he possessed.
You see, you can see here,
the slight scarring from the
fatal wound upon the fabric.
I do.
I undertook the reparations
myself as a form of therapy
but a kitchen knife
thrust with great force
is a tedious mark
to erase entirely.
And when I found him...
What of it?
The murder weapon
was still within,
and blood cascaded
from the fatal wound.
Any evidence from
the scene of the crime?
The killer must have
been wearing gloves,
for no fingerprints adorned
the handle of the blade.
And countless hours spent
scouring the kitchen,
for that's where his
life was terminated,
proved futile in our attempts
to discover any slither
of a clue at all.
The work of a
seasoned hand, I'm sure.
A seasoned hand that's
laid its cold touch
on my pillow every night since.
I drink to sleep,
but the drink duly
fuels my tears.
You have my
deepest sympathies.
Spare me your
fucking sympathy.
We've established you must.
Tell me this.
Have you ever experienced
the pain of parting by death?
I have not.
Of course not.
So run along,
Sheriff.
You've a crime to solve.
I didn't foresee
spying you here Sheriff.
Commissioner, my word!
And my surprise is
not fused with pleasure.
Name your purpose amongst
such illustrious company,
Shoerope.
I was called sir.
By whom?
Honey, sir.
Finally lost her
marbles has she?
In regards to the murder of
her husband a year ago, sir.
Ah, and you flock like
a bee to the flower.
I was on duty, sir.
As a sheriff?
She had me change into this
upon my arrival actually, sir.
Did she?
Darling?
Darling, I've been searching
far and wide for you.
Well done, you've
found me sweetheart.
Meet Inspector Shoerope,
Inspector Shoerope, my wife.
My, Inspector Shoerope,
you make out to be
a superbly
swashbuckling sheriff.
Thank you madam, you're
a marvelous mermaid.
Ah, just a little
something I keep hidden
in the back of my wardrobe
should such an occasion arise.
Nothing really.
Oh that's not true dearest,
it's quite the prize possession.
Stop Commissioner, a lady
never spares her secrets, silly.
You're making me blush.
Well, you can run that
little blush of yours off
with a jaunt to the bar.
I was rather hoping to catch
a stash of fresh air my love.
It'll still be here when
you return, sugarplum.
Shoerope and I
require two scotches.
Of course.
Inspector Shoerope.
Madam.
Bothersome she may
sometimes be, but I love her.
I'm Captain Hook, approve?
I assumed sir, it's very good.
Thank you, we decided on
a nautical theme this year.
Lover's rock
But woops there goes the
strength that you need
To make real
cool lover's rock
A genuine lover
takes off his clothes
And he can make a lover in a
Now, Shoerope, what
has she told you?
Who, Sir?
Honey, of the murder.
Oh right, yes, quite a
fair amount actually sir.
In fact you rather caught me
in a contemplative moment.
Don't trust a word of it.
Why ever not?
I'm your ranking
officer, do as I say,
not a single word she has
spoken nor shall speak
with her maniacal
mouth is to be trusted.
You promise me this?
Well, I certainly have to
request that you explain your...
OK, you
dirty rotten scoundrels.
Slither yourselves to
the dance floor pronto,
all to the dance floor at once.
Huzzah, they're going to announce
the best costume winners
and then they bob for apples,
this is the most exciting part
and quite frankly dear boy,
I fancy my chances this year.
Well on your
toes now Mr. Wayne,
we're all ready and waiting.
The nominees, you ghostly
fiends of the night,
but wait, but wait,
there can only be two winners.
Two winners ladies
and gentlemen,
one lady and one gentleman.
Our lady champion is,
our beautiful host, Honey.
Any words for your
thoroughly adoring fans?
I'd like to thank you all
awfully from the very bottom
of my heart.
Such a wonderful Hallow's Eve.
And I am sincerely
moved every year by
each of yours
continued attendance.
What an honor it is to be
your winner, thank you.
The wonderful sweet
as they come, Honey.
And don't you just
look sumptuous, huh?
How ravishing, I could
eat you up for breakfast,
lunch and dinner.
Maybe a little bit
on the side, too.
But who will be
the lucky gentleman
joining our beautiful
lady, who will it be?
A handsome sheriff to tame
our buzzing bee, Mr. Wayne.
Congratulations, sir.
You lucky devil, you.
Any words for your
adoring and loving fans?
Um...
Thank you.
Thank you all very much.
It's, um...
There you have it
ladies and gentlemen,
your wonderful winners of
the champion costume contest.
Bring on the apple-bobbing.
Ready, Honey?
Ready, Mr. Wayne?
Now, on my mark we want to
see you bob for those apples
like the crazy rotten
scoundrels you are.
On your marks, get set,
go.
Oh my, oh my.
And Honey is the first to bite.
Bob away you debauched
Hallow's Eve reprobates.
My, this is close ladies and
gentlemen, brutally close.
Tensions all around my lovelies,
you can slice it with a knife.
Who will it be, who will
it be, I just don't know.
Three, two, one.
A magnificent comeback
by our darling, Honey.
Three succulent apples apiece.
What a civilized result
for you dirty, debauched,
rotten, scandalous bunch.
A draw.
Your champions, Mr.
Wayne and Honey.
Oh, Inspector Shoerope,
what marvelous fun.
I'm an
apple bobbing fiend.
What good, clean, fucking fun.
You do know how to
throw quite some party.
I do, don't I?
A wicked time.
Truly.
I should like for to
always be in attendance.
You can, you must.
Forever more,
each and every year.
I should like that very much.
I feared you were going to
run away with those apples
and leave me well in your wake.
You made a spirited comeback.
But you wouldn't
do that, would you?
What?
To me, on my
birthday of all days?
Do what?
Unless my sense
of human judgment
has completely capitulated,
then being a well-mannered
gentleman I've judged you to be,
have you not always permitted
any competitive endeavor
to be forfeited to those
withstanding their natal day?
Why yes, I suppose I have.
Forgive me, I was swept
away in the excitement
seized by my competitive edge.
The past is past.
The future now holds
your redemption.
To the future then.
Well, hello there my lovelies.
Mr. Conick, you
really must knock!
Knock, knock.
The apple bobbing
king and queen,
as I live and as I breathe.
Something like that.
Oh and how thoroughly
well deserved.
Truly, sincerely, thoroughly.
I always think and hope and
pray that I might find myself
upon that stage with a victory
to boast, but alas not yet.
Not quite yet.
Patience is a virtue.
Indeed, one of these
years I shall reign
supreme, I'm sure.
Simply a law of averages.
You have my vote.
Oh yes, but Honey holds
the wand and Honey alone.
The benefits of
being the hostess.
Oh quite, and
too right as well.
Home advantage and
all that, too right.
Agreed.
I am having an
absolute corker.
Once again, nonetheless.
Each and every year, the most
riotous of times guaranteed.
It is a requirement I
return so that I remember
how good a time I've had,
that's how good a time I have.
Is that a crime?
Oh gosh golly no, not
on my watch at least.
Though I am rather liberal,
you do invite me back
every year of course,
which is integral.
I thank you.
Oh bang!
Double bang!
Bang, bang!
Either of you care for a tinker?
Thank you but no.
A little dabble?
I haven't the constitution.
A simple sniff?
Not for me.
Some booger sugar?
Oh Mr. Conick, please.
Damn shame.
You'll find
everything you need here
to spruce, up Mr. Wayne.
Indeed it appears
well supplied.
That apple bobbing is a
rotten messy business chap.
Enjoy.
Honey, shall we
peruse the party?
I'll follow in a moment.
Oh nonsense, away we go.
Really, Mr. Conick,
I have hostess duties.
Fine, as you wish.
She's a stubborn
one, as you know.
I'll be seeing you.
Right, we have
a crime to solve.
Of course.
When you are refreshed,
meet me in the piano
room post-haste.
Certainly.
Inspector Shoerope?
Yes?
I do so desperately hope
we can solve the mystery
of the murder of my
husband only a year ago.
We will.
So that I may live in peace.
You must.
And embrace the future.
Wholeheartedly.
Mr. Wayne, my spick
and span champion.
Interrupting something, am I?
Whatever do you mean?
I think you know,
what was that?
You've endowed me
with a greater level
of understanding than
I'm afraid I possess.
What were you discussing
with Commissioner?
My word, from where has
this petulance descended?
In the name of the law,
it's imperative I be informed.
You need a drink.
I don't need a drink.
Well, something's required
to calm you the fuck down.
I need you to
divulge the truth.
Excuse me?
Commissioner ordered
I disbelieve any word
that comes from your mouth.
What?
When?
And in the ensuing
costume contest chaos
and apple bobbing and what-not,
I failed to uphold said order.
How dare he.
I am now reminded of
its importance, the truth.
Commissioner and I
intend to partake
in a petite Hallow's Eve treat,
and you caught us
fashioning the arrangements.
Excuse me?
We understandably desire
it to remain secret.
He must have doubted my
ability to keep it so.
You and the commissioner?
It's merely a
physical act of pleasure
we shall share, nothing more.
Here's a married man!
Mr. Wayne, how
insensitive of you!
- Honey...
- I am a widow,
a widow if you please.
I didn't mean that.
Consider my emotions.
You've outdone even yourself
you heartless rascal.
Please.
Oh, why must I bear His cross?
You have some nerve tormenting
a woman laden with tragedy.
Stan down sir.
Can't you see
Honey's vulnerable?
Gently, Mr. Wayne.
How dare you bring
tears upon her?
You are entirely mistaken.
She needs protection,
care and love, not a bully.
That's very
impressive, both of you.
Thank you, but I
am quite alright.
Now relinquish
your lock at once.
With pleasure.
You escaped me this
time young Tommy,
but beware should you
begin to bully anew,
I shall not hesitate.
Sit down, sir.
Curse you.
Frau Honey, it is a noble
tradition of the Fatherland
to warm and delight
those in distress,
particularly when the
damsel in question possesses
such aesthetic charms as thee.
Allow me?
Oh, I'm touched
by your concern,
but I really am quite fine.
Nothing a wash of
absinthe won't flush away.
Absolutely out of the
proverbial question.
Oh, bless you,
you dear, dear soul.
We are yet to be
formally introduced.
Mr. Werner.
- Mr. Wayne.
- I know,
I heard the name on stage.
Congratulations are in order
on account of your triumph,
you insensitive critter.
You've misinterpreted
the situation.
I saw you harass
her with my own eyes.
I did nothing of the sort.
Are you calling me a liar?
Mr. Wayne is my
chaperone for the evening.
You must understand
my new found difficulties
in being alone,
especially one such as
I, the physical beast
that I am burdened with being.
It is no beast of
burden, Frau Honey.
Really?
Hmm.
Please refrain from
calling me Frau, won't you?
In the absence of my beloved
I've rather reverted
to Fraulein.
Oh.
Fraulein Honey, a German
weiner-schnitzel correctly prepared
and consumed offers
unparalleled levels of comfort.
I remain, as ever,
in your service.
Hmm, what a
fascinating proposition.
Yeah.
I find myself without the
appetite this evening however.
Mr. Wayne and I are
rather building up
to a moment of passion.
Surely, a prerequisite
of the evening.
How very cultured a chaperone.
Sex as a prerequisite.
Mr. Werner, please.
What filth.
Oh, Mein Fuhrer will
positively rejoice
when I inform him
of such etiquette.
As so I am currently rejoicing.
Romance is not his forte.
Huzzah!
Commissioner.
So there he is.
What do you want, Shoerope?
Or should I call you Mr. Wayne?
Please excuse us,
won't you kind sir?
You have some talking to do.
Come again?
Enough of your
mischief, Commissioner.
Watch your mouth Shoerope,
remember who it is I am.
I'm not so sure anymore.
Another word, I'll rip
the guts from your garters.
If anybody's doing any
any ripping, it's me.
Come here!
Stand still and receive
what's coming your way!
You stand still
young bum, and receive
what's coming your way!
I'm merely a moral
messenger, but morality bites.
Don't speak to me of
morals, stop moving!
I shan't stop moving
until you admit all.
Admit what?
Your Hallow's Eve activities.
My Hallow's Eve
activities, what of yours?
Mine?
Yes, yours, you cheat.
You're the cheat,
she told me everything.
What, who?
Honey.
Oh, stop this blasted
running at once.
Fine.
Commissioner.
Commissioner sir, are you well?
No, I'm not.
I'm an aged man
who's still aging.
Bring me my drink.
Commissioner!
Shut your trap you
obnoxious little beaver,
before I shut it for you.
Get off me!
That's it.
There we are, much better.
It should have been me
victorious, but you came along,
or should I say Mr. Wayne
came along, you rogue,
- you libertine...
- Commissioner!
Put my balls
back in your mouth!
I know of your vulgar
elicit relations with Honey.
What?
You plan to partake in
a treat with one another
this very Hallow's Eve.
Treat?
I think it despicable.
Shoerope, I'm a happily
married man, how dare you!
She told me of the
nasties you were whispering
when I spied you both
earlier, don't play dumb.
We were whispering
nothing of the sort.
It was your fraudulent
victory I was vexing over.
Excuse me?
The costume you
fool, the costume!
I was informing Honey
of my utter discontent
that annually I attend
this shambolic shindig,
having spent the many
preceding months contemplating
and planning and
deliberating with my dear,
dear wife as to what costumes
we shall be sporting,
and annually we are
left empty handed.
What?
We even practiced the
apple-bobbing together.
Blast you rotten!
Practice?
My wife's marvelous at
grabbing those fruits.
She'll be wonderful when
her time finally comes.
Oh, get up you imbecile.
A nomination would suffice,
alas not even a sniff.
But Honey told me of your
physical act of pleasure.
Physical pleasure?
There is no pleasure.
So,
so Honey was...
Did I not order you
to disbelieve any word
that comes from
her insane mouth?
Yes Commissioner, you did.
Heed my order.
Then why did you suspiciously
run as I approached?
Frustration.
Envy.
Shame.
Disappointment in the
heat of the moment.
Oh, how shall I
face my sugarplum?
I'm a winner by definition.
I wanted to win so dearly
this year of all years.
You could have faced me?
Oh, no I couldn't,
I had to run and hide
in this very room and play
billiards, the coward I am.
I'm appalling.
I'm quite amazing at billiards
though, I never lose.
How victories feed the spirit
and replenish the soul.
So there is no...
Nothing.
No of course not.
The only holes I shall fill
are on this here table.
The cruel spectrum of life.
Honey,
the victor, year in, year out,
and I, the perpetual loser.
Have you considered
Commissioner,
the code of etiquette
that stipulates
those withstanding their natal
day shall reign victorious
throughout any
competitive endeavor?
Natal day?
Honey's birthday.
Who told you that?
- Honey.
- My order, Shoerope.
What?
Heed my bloody order,
it's not her birthday!
What?
Not a syllable uttered from
her lips should land true
upon your naive ears.
Commissioner I feel awfully...
Whatever am I
going to do with you?
Awfully, slight in
this very moment...
Shoerope, shoerope,
what's the matter?
Commissioner you'll
have to excuse me.
Shoerope?
Shoerope?
Shoerope!
Shoerope!
Shoerope!
Shoerope!
For the sake of God, Shoerope!
Inspector Shoerope?
Inspector Shoerope?
Inspector Shoerope?
Wake up, darling.
There you are.
Honey.
Honey is that you?
Yours truly.
How are you feeling?
I'm feeling very
heavy, actually.
Of course you are,
you took quite a tumble.
Yes.
Yes, I suppose I did.
You really must endeavor to
match every glass of liquor
with a dash of fresh air or
splash of water
at the very least.
Right.
Have a sip on this,
there's a drop of my
homemade honey mixed within,
you'll feel right as rain.
Mmm.
Delicious.
You keep your own bees?
In memory of my
deceased husband, you see.
It wasn't just me he kept.
He was a bee enthusiast
of nearly half a century.
They make wonderful companions.
It would taste so.
Honey.
I confronted Commissioner
regarding the physical act
of pleasure between you and he.
And?
It would seem
you've misled me.
Have I not welcomed you
into my home with grace?
You have.
And,
are you not in my employment?
You did call me hither, which
plants me in your service.
And have I not, on
a more personal note,
been most hospitable?
I would again, have to agree.
Then why do you doubt
my word against his?
He is Commissioner.
And a married man to boot.
He's established
his faithfulness.
Commissioner or no, he
has thus far proven impotent
in his lame attempts to
solve the despicable crime
of the murder of my husband.
It's an ongoing investigation.
So the killer is at
large, in this very house,
at this very exact
precise moment!
You have my sympathy.
I don't want your
fucking sympathy!
I want justice.
He did further make
me aware that today
is not in fact your birthday.
Inspector Shoerope.
It appears all the cats
are rather out of the bag.
You apparently think
that every word I speak
is without an ounce of truth.
Not even a syllable?
That is exactly what I think.
You may leave.
It is peculiar no fellow
reveler has spoken a word
of your birthday.
All I know of it is what you
and only you have mentioned.
I insist you depart.
Don't let anger
veil the truth.
I urge you to understand
my predicament
and the subsequent conclusion
to which it has led me.
It is smart indeed to
ask for understanding
when he who asks has nil.
I willingly informed you today
was my natal day because,
well because...
I took an immediate liking
to you, Inspector Shoerope.
A liking of the aesthetic sort.
And you are alone in your
awareness of it being so,
for reasons of vanity.
If it is a crime for
a woman to lament
the passing of time,
the betrayal of her beauty,
the dawning of old
age and ultimately,
the tidings of death,
then consider me a criminal
in the first degree.
And if these tears
are interpreted by you
as the crocodile variety,
then I command you
cast your cynical eye
on the birth certificate
I keep framed
next to the marriage
certificate of me
and my dear deceased husband
on the side of the bed
that he would be inhabiting.
If it weren't for the minor
detail of his brutal murder
in this very home
only a year ago today.
Here.
I sincerely hope that
you enjoy the read.
Bugger.
Tatiana!
I'm looking for Honey,
have you seen her?
Honey, Honey!
I'm
positive it's the exact one.
Agreed.
The very moment
he stepped foot on stage,
I too was convinced.
Quick,
he's coming to.
Look busy, chaps.
Mr. Conick.
Mr. Werner.
Commissioner.
Rise and shine, Shoerope.
Whatever's going on?
We're in the kitchen.
Yes, yes, I see that.
Why am I tied up?
Gentlemen, is this a game?
You're in deep, Shoerope.
She likes you, a mystery
as to why but it is so.
What, who?
Honey.
And what of it?
She spreads her
affection rather thin.
With affection comes
a weakness, trust.
Trust?
Trust.
We want you to do
something for us,
something vital for our cause.
Kidnapping and then
roping me to a chair
is a curious approach
when asking a favor.
I rather enjoyed roping a
certain Inspector Shoerope.
It is no favor and you
will be heavily rewarded.
Financially.
Get Honey into this kitchen
before the evening is out.
Excuse me?
Bring her in, that's
it, and that's all.
Forgive my hesitation gentlemen
but this is most suspicious.
Oh, just do it.
Are you barmy?
Wait.
The kitchen.
Wait, it can't really be.
Honey's husband, a year ago?
Eureka.
You brutes, you murderers!
Commissioner, you traitor!
It's business, Shoerope.
Congratulations,
and welcome aboard.
Business my left
foot, you're criminals.
We are all serving
the great Mein Fuhrer
and you too are now under
his splendid command.
You're under arrest.
Commissioner it's not
too late, get them!
The only one getting
got is Honey, tonight,
in this very room.
Why are you
doing such a thing?
Money, Inspector Shoerope.
You animals.
We dispatched of
Honey's husband a year ago
intending for to obtain
this marvelous property.
The old fool wouldn't
sell, you see,
but upon the owner's death,
the title of the estate
rightfully returns to my family.
I then can purchase
it from the Conicks
on behalf of Mein Fuhrer.
An idyllic rural stronghold.
And after our mighty German
invasion of your British Isles,
this home will
serve as our perfect
United Kingdom headquarters.
Invasion?
A great war is looming,
Inspector Shoerope.
Long live the Fatherland, yah?
This is insanity.
An act of complete
sanity, I assure you.
Only that Honey's husband,
the shrewd nitwit he was,
secretly registered the title
of the estate in Honey's name,
and our perfectly
orchestrated murder a year ago
came to nothing.
There are many estates
like it, purchase another.
This is the finest
property in England.
You won't find any better.
And Mein Fuhrer
only wants the best.
And Commissioner, you've
been an accomplice all along,
perverting the course of justice
as only a commissioner can?
A man is capable of
anything for the right figure,
as you'll soon discover.
How can you live
with yourself?
The Germans are brewing
a second world war
and you're in aid in the
inevitable demise of our country,
if not the entire globe.
War is an economic
tool and I mean for to be
a key craftsman.
I won't do it.
Out of the question.
There is no question.
None at all.
You haven't the
liberty of choice.
When I was a young
girl doing the learning
of the birds and of the
bees, I had to educate a boy,
Jean Paul.
How I loved Jean Paul.
I gave him everything.
I gave him all my hopes and all
my smiles and all my dreams.
And he in return gave
me everything, too.
A summer of passion,
beautiful passion.
When the weather fell cold
and the autumn arrived,
I traveled to Paris,
avec my darling mother,
to purchase a jacket.
I was feeling quite chilly
in the farm, you see.
The first jacket I tried on
fitted perfectly, my body.
It was tight on the waist and
smooth on my derrire, voila!
When we returned home
some hours early,
see Jean Paul wasn't really
used to seeing me wear
a lot of clothes.
So I ran to his house, wearing
the jacket I want him to see
because it looks so pretty.
I climb the stairs, I tiptoe
to the door of his bedroom
and I pushed it slowly open.
And more open,
and more open,
and there was my JP.
And just like you, at this
moment, he was in the ropes,
and just like you, at this
moment, he was with three men.
But naked was my JP
and naked was them all.
So before you become naked,
I'll say what I
said to my dear JP,
what is wrong with women?
Thank you for the
milk, au revoir.
Bang!
What a perfect
imbecile was JP.
Don't be an imbecile
too, Shoerope.
Get Honey
into this kitchen.
It had to be you
It had to be you
I wandered around
And finally found
That somebody who
Could make me be true
Could make me feel blue
And even be glad
Just to be sad
Thinking of you
Some others I've seen
Might never be mean
I'm fulled to the brim
with apologies, Honey.
Can you forgive me?
Any woman worth her
salt can find forgiveness
in her heart.
And I wish you the
happiest of birthdays.
In fact I should very much
like to give you a gift.
How exciting.
A most treasured present.
Go on.
Well, it appears
a considerably
scandalous scent still lingers.
Yes.
The trailing of said scent
has led me to one place.
Where's that?
The kitchen.
I have previously informed
you that the murder took place
in that very room, have I not?
You have.
And so it is my conclusion
that the kitchen
is where I must be at the precise
moment of the anniversary
of your husband's death.
You must do whatever is
required to solve the crime,
the success of which
would without doubt be
a thrilling gift to unwrap.
If I'm right in assuming
it's of that nature?
Of course.
The bestowing excites
me to my very core.
This gift however does
necessitate your involvement.
Aside from my receiving it,
I can't fathom what you mean.
I should like,
you see,
for you to accompany me.
Excuse me?
This is the final piece
of the puzzle, and you,
the facilitator of the picture
we're piecing together,
need to be present upon
placing that defining segment.
Release me.
Honey.
I refuse to entertain
such a gross idea.
Honey!
Allow me to explain.
Remove your presumptuous
hands from me.
The very truly last thing
anyone would have me do
in this fucking world is
precisely what you requested.
Wild horses couldn't
drag me near.
In matters solving
a murder mystery,
one must go to extreme lengths.
Of that I'm not aware,
look around at my efforts.
So don't jeopardize
reaping their rewards.
Honey, look at me.
I refuse to share
your foolhardy glance.
Trust my
professional judgment.
My trust in you
is on tenterhooks.
You've doubted numerous
pieces of information
I've offered you,
including the intimate
details of my date of birth.
I can only apologize.
Oh, fuck your apology!
What is it you would have me do?
It's not uncommon for
the murderer to revisit
the scene of their crime.
I shall murder the murderer
myself if that's the case.
Allow me to take charge
of their comeuppance.
Then my contribution is what?
I believe the criminal may
have set their sights upon you.
Me?
You're directly in their
cross-hairs, I believe.
So I'm your fucking bait.
Do you trust me?
Do you?
If we neglect this
final ray of light
that shines upon the mystery,
the truth may forever
remain in the dark.
I shall make sure no
ill will come of it,
it will pass as a
fleeting moment.
By my side?
With proximity we
share right this second.
Very well.
No, no, no you fool!
Disgrace to the Fatherland!
Too much?
We are not pirates!
You're meant to
stab the woman,
not scare her like a schoolboy!
Simply jump in and quietly
and quickly, stick it in.
Try again.
Why must it be me?
I'm certainly not
doing your dirty work.
I had my fun last year,
taking a life is good for you,
it'll give you a real
zest for your own.
Yah, one more time.
Fine, tell me when.
The door is opening,
she take two steps forward.
And now!
Yah!
Yah, there you go, very good.
Huzzah.
What if it's him
on this side instead?
He'll go down easy,
then move on to her.
I have no respect for
Shoerope's wellbeing.
Good.
Switch off the lights and
let's assume positions.
Positions.
Coo-ey?
Hello?
Mr. Conick are you in here?
Mr. Conick?
Tatiana!
Oh, I knew it, you rascal you.
What is she doing?
Hello gentlemen,
what a lovely surprise.
- Get her out.
- Right away!
Excuse me?
Tatiana you must leave.
I am no dog to
be ordered around.
Bugger off!
I'm not going anywhere
thank you very much,
and I'm certainly not leaving
until I get an apology
for such impolite and
unwelcoming behavior.
You are not welcome,
hence the behavior, out!
This is the 20th century
sir, show some respect.
I'll find you later,
Tatiana you must leave.
Just one little
bump you scoundrel.
Sod off, will you?
Don't be so rude!
Out!
How dare you.
Bugger off!
Enough!
Here, here, here, quickly.
Here.
Well, at least there's
one person present
generous of spirit.
Thank you, Mr. Conick.
Ooh!
I'll have a quickie.
Oh!
Bang, bang!
- Oh!
- Oh, indeed.
Oh, double bang!
Oh, go on then.
A little bump won't hurt.
Huzzah!
Wunderbar!
Oh bang!
Oh!
- Huzzah!
- Wunderbar!
Bang!
I have a one track mind
Figure I dream about
you every night
Picturing your face
Well,
here we are.
There's one more detail Honey.
A final request.
Yes?
What is it?
East side I'm running away
East side I'm
running away oh
East side I'm running away
East side I'm
running away oh
You west end clubs
got nothing to say
Yeah a three-day bender
such an unholy thing
West you're dead
Must be my savior
Crucify me on the pavement
And I drink at night
And the mornings
take their toll
But it's better
than feeling fine
Cause at least
when I'm hungover
You are off my mind
That beats me being sober
lying awake at night
Where my head starts
to play tricks
That's where it's
crossed my mind
You've found another boy
to keep you warm at night
Well if you have a hope
that he does treat you right
Cause when you are with
me you know how hard I try
Oh girl I loved
you like no other
I would give my life
Oh I'd give my life
East side I'm running away
East side I'm
running away oh
East side I'm running away
East side I'm
running away oh
Mr. Wayne, Honey!
Honey, Mr. Wayne?
Positions, quick!
Oh, this
is fun, you're it!
Freeze!
Yay, freeze, stuck in the mud.
Mr. Wayne, what are you doing?
Shoerope you fool, what
do you think you're up to?
You're under arrest.
Who's Shoerope?
Don't be daft,
put the gun down.
Not so fast
Inspector Shoerope.
Inspector?
Will somebody please tell
me what on earth is happening?
Surprise Honey, get
behind me gentleman.
And what about me?
Damned if I care.
Behind me Tatiana.
So Inspector Shoerope, you
are an imbecile after all,
just like little
French Jean Paul.
These are my terms.
You will lay down your
weapon and step aside,
leaving Honey in plain of sight
to receive my lethal bullet.
What?
Give up Mr. Werner,
your scheme is over.
Quite the contrary,
my scheme is thriving.
We have no hesitation
in laying a trail
of discrete deaths
to possess this home.
Oh God, no.
The more bodies,
the greater the crime.
How foolish are
you, young Tommy.
Wait!
Inspector Shoerope
will step aside,
allowing you to do
with me what you will,
so long as you permit
an ultimate desire.
Honey, I don't...
A moment.
Specify said desire.
Before you end my life,
blowing me into the heavens
where I may spend eternity
with my beloved,
permit me one last moment
of sordid, earthly lust.
Continue.
My dying wish.
Your lips upon mine.
Honey?
You naughty girl.
- Huzzah.
- Bang!
Silence you fools!
Come again Honeysuckle?
Your lips,
Mein Fuhrer.
Once more?
Mein Fuhrer.
Step aside,
Inspector Shoerope.
Honey?
Thank you Inspector Shoerope.
Step aside!
It will be my life's
great tragedy having
to rid you of yours.
I hate to bring
tragedy upon a being
for whom I possess such passion.
My hand,
although held before,
longs to be clutched.
Does it?
Endless evenings in
each other's embrace.
This home will become
yours in holy matrimony.
It would?
Warm bed, soft skin.
But first,
kiss and mend my
brokenhearted lips
so I may utter the crucial word
in response to your
fateful question
with wholesome sincerity.
We shall kiss but know this,
I haven't the penchant
nor the aptitude
to take your soiled hand.
War is now my
mistress and my bride.
Then let me be
your fucking bitch.
Fuck, fuck, we did it.
We did what?
Why is everyone wanting
to kill each other?
Do you love Mr. Werner,
does Mr. Werner love you?
Why, why, what just happened?
364 days of exhaustive
preparation going precisely
to plan is exactly what
happened, my darling Tatiana.
You knew, you knew of their
mischievous scheme all along.
I had my suspicions
as soon as I discovered
this home was Honey's own.
You see my darling deceased
husband grew so stubborn
in his old age, and though
I imagined he never thought
it would lead to his
ultimate decline,
his signing our home
solely into my fucking name
was rather foreboding.
And you never
thought to inform me?
Oh, I wanted to,
so dearly I really,
really did but I had to be sure.
I had to allow our
plan to complete.
I thought you had left me, that
you were going to betray me
and let them kill me.
Then you proposed that
costume switch in the corridor
and I knew we were good.
I've been your pawn
this entire evening.
You've been my knight
and now your queen
desires her agreed
moment of passion.
So,
you're not Mr. Wayne?
No Tatiana.
Oh,
what about me?
What about you?
What do I do?
That's it for the party
until next year my darling.
Honey?
Honey?
Yes?
Come and have a look.
It was here we first met.
Brilliant, you're
the perfect size.
Well, aren't we the
crime-busting pair?
We've only saved the world
and solved the murder-mystery.
However will I thank you?
You already have.
Really, and how,
pray tell, have I?
There is something I haven't
quite managed to grasp,
despite the revealing
light of day.
Yes?
Did you really intend to share
a Hallow's Eve treat
with Commissioner?
There is but a
simple rule to success,
never reveal your secrets.
But with those who
vow to keep them.
Of course I didn't darling.
Due to our not seeing eye
to eye over the past year,
I assumed Commissioner
would try swaying you
to his corrupted side by
questioning my integrity,
so I quickly assembled a
bizarre scenario to cast doubt
over the puzzle he
assembled to bury justice.
So, Commissioner was
truly lamenting losing
the costume contest when I
spied you both whispering?
A savage competitive
streak possess the fucker.
My treats are for you,
and you alone.
Although,
there was another purpose
for my little white lie.
Yes?
I wanted to make
you a tiny bit,
just a touch, jealous.
That's quite a sting
you've sprung upon me.
With the sting
comes the sweet,
Inspector Shoerope.
After all,
bees make honey.
Breakin' rocks
in the hot sun
I fought the law
and'a the law won
I fought the law
and'a the law won
I needed money
'cause I had none
I fought the law
and'a the law won
I fought the law
and'a the law won
I fought the law
and'a the law won
I fought the law
and'a the law won
I fought the law and'a
Are you
ready for this one?
Yeah?
Oh baby
You are everything to me
Can't you see
I would take the stars
out of the sky for you
Stop the rain from
falling if you ask me to
I'd do anything for you
Your wish is my command
I could move a mountain
when your hand is in my hand
Words can not express
how much you mean to me
There must be some other
way to make you see
If it takes my
heart and soul
You know I'll pay the price
Everything that I possess
I'd gladly sacrifice
Oh you to me are everything
The sweetest song
that I can sing
Oh baby
Oh baby
To you I guess
I'm just a clown
Who picks you up
each time you're down
Oh baby
Oh baby
You give me just
a taste of love
To build my hopes upon
You know you've
got the power girl
To keep me holding on
So now you've got
the best of me
Come on and take
the rest of me
Oh baby
Yeah
Oh baby
Though you're close to
me we seem so far apart
Maybe given time you'll
have a change of heart
If it takes forever girl
then I'm prepared to wait
The day you give your love
to me won't be a day too late
Oh you to me are everything
The sweetest song
that I can sing
Oh baby
Oh baby
To you I guess
I'm just a clown
Who picks you up
each time you're down
Oh baby
Oh baby
You give me just
a taste of love
To build my hopes upon
You know you've
got the power girl
To keep me holding on
So now you've got
the best of me
Come on and take the
rest of me oh baby
Yeah.
Oh baby
OK, what we want everybody
to do is to sing along
with the chorus,
can you do that?
Yeah!
Can you do that?
One, two, sing it!
You to me are everything
The sweetest song
that I can sing
Oh baby
Oh baby
Yeah
You to me are everything
The sweetest song
that I can sing
Oh baby
Oh baby
Let's sing it
to the music, come on!
You give me just
a taste of love
To build my hopes upon
You know you've
got the power girl
To keep me holding on
So now you've got
the best of me
Come on and take
the rest of me
Oh baby
You to me are everything
The sweetest song
that I can sing
Oh baby
Oh baby
You to me are everything
The sweetest song
that I can sing
Oh baby
Oh baby
You to me are everything
The sweetest song
that I can sing
Oh baby
Oh baby
You to me are everything
The sweetest song
that I can sing
Oh baby oh baby
Oh baby oh baby
You to me are everything
The sweetest song
that I can sing
Oh baby
Come on!
Oh baby
Yeah.
You to me are everything
The sweetest song
that I can sing
Oh baby
Oh baby
Thank you, goodnight.