Rise and shine!
Honey, 6:45. Wow!
Oh, God.
It makes me look fat, doesn't it?
No, it makes you
look great.
- Really? Thank you, honey.
- Really.
Rise and shine.
Rise and shine.
Brennan. Time to get up.
- Brennan, look out!
- Huh! What happened?
Sorry.
Thought it was an earthquake.
First day of school, guy.
You know, Dad. I reviewed all
my classes last night on-line.
I could practically do the entire
seventh grade from my desk...
without actually ever
having to go to school.
- Wow.
- So, can I?
- Sure.
- Really?
When pigs fly!
- Morning, Daddy.
- Morning, honey. Nervous?
Nope. One sandwich, lettuce
and avocado, mustard only.
Sliced apple,
three cookies, a Jell-O,
string cheese,
a spoon and a napkin.
- And a blue ice block.
- What are you talking about?
- My lunch, Dad.
- Lunch. Right.
- Okay. Got it.
- Dad, relax.
Don't freak out on
your first Mr. Mom day.
- Oh.
- Lunches are easy.
I'll help you.
You'll get the hang of it. Go on.
- Go on.
- Okay.
Oh, no. Beethoven!
Oh, no.
Not again.
Honey, don't use the...
Who took the toilet seat?
Oh! Oh! Beethoven!
Come on, kids.
Let's go.
- See you, Beethoven. Take care of Dad.
- Bye, Beethoven.
- Brennan, you want to start the car?
- Yeah. Later, Dad.
- Bye, Dad.
- Bye, guys. Good luck.
Honey, you look great.
They're gonna love you.
Honey, don't forget.
- It's only till George comes back from Europe.
- I know.
But it just seems so unfair
that he's staying with us...
when there's so many skiers in
the Alps he could be rescuing.
Okay, wish me luck.
Good luck, but you're
not gonna need it.
Ohh! Aah!
- Ohh!
- Huh? Ugh.
Oh! You are
sleeping outside...
from now until eternity!
Splendid, splendid.
But you missed a spot.
Sorry, Mr. Simmons.
Yes, I should think so too.
Ah, Michelangelo.
Wakey, wakey.
It's breakfast time,
my lad.
What have we got?
Eggs and "bakie"? Ooh, not quite.
Vegetarian breakfast,
as usual.
There we are.
Lovely.
All done?
Eww.
- Morning, Dad.
- Morning, honey.
- Push enter.
- Enter?
Oh. Duh.
Thanks, honey.
It's a new portable modem.
Neat, huh?
- Yeah, Dad.
- All right. I'm hot.
I am very excited. I'm gonna
tell the design guys about this!
Dad, wait!
Dad! Dad, wait!
Dad!
Dad!
Wait.
Your socks don't match.
Oh. Well, when you own the company,
nobody mentions it.
But, Dad!
You said you'd push me
on my roller blades today. Remember?
Ohh! No.
I said tomorrow.
Yeah, but you
said that yesterday.
Good morning sir.
Microsedge stock is up 3 and 1/8th.
All right. That's good.
That's good.
Simmons, you hold down the fort
while I'm off making more millions.
As usual, sir.
Oh, no. Mr. Sedg...
Oh, no! Mr. Sedgwick!
I'm ready.
Morning, Michelangelo.
- Morning, Miss Sedgwick.
- Morning, Simmons.
Hey, good boy.
Here you go.
- I know you like it.
- Oh, no, please!
Miss Madison, no meat products.
You'll give him gas.
And that would be
most unpleasant.
Don't tempt Michelangelo,
Madison.
You know what his psychic
nutritionist said about bacon.
- One piece. She'll never know.
- She knows already.
Oh, I love breakfast!
I'll tell you, Simmons.
Buying Sedgefood. com
was the best thing Reg ever did.
Oh, yes, madam.
Convenience above all.
Mom, aren't you gonna have
some real breakfast?
I can't. I got a nude sit-in
against fur at 10:00.
Any extra weight is gonna be
pretty obvious in my birthday suit.
Simmons, call my attorney.
Have one of his people... a woman...
bail me out around 11:00.
Yes, ma'am.
- Mom, do I get to start riding lessons today?
- Oh, Madison.
I don't know. I have issues with
the whole humans-on-horses situation.
Well, then may I have
a friend over after school?
Not "may I," "can I"!
You empower yourself, Maddy.
- You don't need anyone's permission.
- Well, then can I?
No, because your personal trainer is
coming as soon as your reflexologist leaves.
And when he's done, you've got
an aromatherapy session.
We'll talk later. How do I look?
It doesn't matter.
It's all for the cause.
Bye! Bye!
Wanna pull me on my roller blades,
Michelangelo?
Shh. No, please.
Madison.
Not while Michelangelo
is meditating.
This doesn't belong
in a greeting card.
It belongs in a museum.
Hmm?
Roses are red,
violets are blue.
I'm sad and lonely
because of you.
- All right, it's lame.
I don't write this stuff.
But the illustration's good.
Huh? That's why they pay me
the low-to-medium size bucks.
This is the first
in a whole new line.
If they like this one,
I get 'em all.
Stay!
Do not touch anything.
Do not breathe on anything.
Ah. Ah.
Come to Papa.
Come to Papa. No!
Aah! Uhh! Uhh!
Ow! Ow!
Ow, ow, ow, ow!
Ow, ow, ow! Ow! Ow!
Ow!
This is a big
opportunity for me,
and now the painting's
a total loss.
After Brennan spent
so many hours posing for it.
Dad, he didn't mean to...
Sara, your father
has the floor.
- Richard, go ahead.
- My deadline was already tight, but now...
Oh, time's up, Dad.
The pot roast would have
been excellent.
- Well, the mac and cheese was tasty.
- Yeah.
Really!
Do you think you
can fix the painting?
In time,
which I don't have.
Plus, it sort of hurts
to hold a paintbrush.
Well, that brings us
to new business.
I had a few extra minutes
at work today,
and I decided
to run some numbers.
As you can see,
"B.B."means
"Before Beethoven. "
"A.B."means
"After Beethoven. "
Now, I really think
the chart speaks for itself.
This dog is really
costing us,
and I didn't even figure in
the latest fiasco.
- Point of clarification?
- Yes.
- What's a fiasco?
- It's a disaster, a debacle, a farce, a breakdown.
Oh.
Oh, honey.
I know you've gotten attached
to Beethoven. I mean, we all have.
But I just don't think there's
enough room in this household...
for a dog like Beethoven.
In fact, I don't think
there's a household...
with room enough in the entire universe
for a dog like Beethoven.
Sorry, Mom. Time's up.
I guess that concludes
the family meeting!
Well...
I love these intimate
family gatherings.
What do you think Mom meant by
the house not being big enough?
Well, I think it means she's thinking
about getting rid of Beethoven.
Come on. Get over it. I mean,
he's not even our real dog anyway.
I know. You don't
have to remind me.
Well, maybe now's a good time
to hit 'em up for a new pet.
Something a little smaller,
like a cow?
Ha-ha.
Uh-oh.
Phoebe's out.
- I wish we brought Beethoven.
- Oh, no, the gate.
- Beethoven!
- Beethoven, help!
Brennan!
What do we do?
Look.
- Yes!
- Come on, Sara. Let's go.
Thanks, Beethoven.
Come on, boy.
We can't let him go.
We need a plan.
Okay, okay. Give me a couple of days,
and I'll think of something.
That's okay.
I was... finished.
Guess what, Sara. I'm about
to put the cookies in the oven.
Mmm, they're gonna be warm and chewy,
and you can't have any!
Sorry, Dad.
Current events.
Oh, no!
Who let the dog in?
You're not helping
your case here, pal.
Eww!
Oatmeal drool cookies.
So did you think
of a plan?
It's only been three days.
Give me a break.
Besides, I'm really behind
on my math homework.
I knew you wouldn't
have a plan.
So here,
I do have a plan.
Look at this!
- Hi, honey.
- Oh. Oh.
Don't you dare!
- Beethoven!
- Oh, no!
Beethoven barfed
all over me!
How gross is that?
Eww!
Okay, my math homework,
one semester.
A whole semester?
Forget it, then.
Fine.
See you, Beethoven.
Fine! One semester.
Jerk.
Oh, great. Uh-huh.
Oh, that's fabulous.
All right.
I'll let you know.
Okay.
- They gonna take him?
- Well, if we want to.
They're really
gonna miss him.
Beethoven was never gonna
be able to stay with us forever.
- Sooner or later, they're gonna have to miss him.
- I guess.
Oh, Richard.
They're a really nice family.
They live on a huge farm.
I mean, Beethoven
will have chickens to chase,
barns to burn
and cows to stampede.
He'll be in heaven.
Oh, you're right,
as usual.
So that settles it.
You tell the kids we're
getting rid of Beethoven.
Thanks, honey.
Gotta work.
Speaking of chickens...
Aah!
Get rid of him!
- Oh, hello, Bill.
- Beth!
Good to see you.
Mwah! Mwah!
Mwah.
So I suppose you're
looking for Richard.
Well, I think I might be
able to find him for you...
around here somewhere.
- So I'll do that.
- Mmm.
Why don't you, uh...
why don't you sit down?
Oh. Mmm.
Richard! Bill's here!
Richard? Richard!
Psst! Over here.
What are you doing?
He's here for the painting,
the one Beethoven ruined.
- Ow!
- So?
- So... I haven't fixed it yet.
- What?
Why? Richard!
Because I thought
he was coming next week.
Ohh! Oh, who's this?
"I don't need to write things down in a
notebook because I have a photographic memory. "
Okay, okay.
You were right.
I was wrong.
Can we discuss this later, please?
- Honey, go stall him. Stall him.
- This is not my responsibility.
What?
You said, "I want to go back to work,
spread my wings, challenge myself. "
Did I say no?
No, I said, "Okay, honey.
I'll stay home, convert the garage
into a studio, be a freelancer.
I'll cook, I'll clean,
I'll handle the kids. "
And all I ask in return...
is if I'm ever late for a deadline,
and the client shows up unexpectedly,
that you stall him while
I try to figure out what to do.
Remember?
I remember the first part. I don't
remember the "stall your boss" part.
Okay, fine. I'll beg.
Is that what you want
me to do? I'll beg.
- Richard, please.
- Please!
You stunning, sexy,
gorgeous, perfect woman!
Stall him for me!
Please.
Bill, do you want some coffee?
- Yeah, cream and sugar. Thanks!
- What are you gonna do?
I don't know.
Stall him.
Melinda.
Your dog's gonna do fine.
Thanks. Come on, boy.
Why me?
Come on, girl.
Beethoven!
Hold on to him, Sara.
Hi!
Oh. What's his name?
- Beethoven.
- Stay, stay!
- Get down!
- No, no, no!
- Down.
- Good dog.
- Sit, sit, sit. Good dog.
- Beethoven!
We have our work
cut out for us, don't we?
- Do you think you could teach him to obey?
- Me?
Oh, no, my dear.
That's my husband's department.
Sergeant Rutledge.
Oh, he's a genius with dogs.
He was with the canine corps
for years.
Why, during the war,
he was...
- That'll do, Mrs. Rutledge.
- trainer...
Oh, dear.
- This is Beethoven.
- Oh?
Children would like you
to teach him...
to obey.
Mm-hmm!
Mmm.
It will be a pleasure.
More coffee, Bill?
Mmm, no, thanks.
Oh, I was so sorry to hear
about you and Susan.
We had our problems.
When's the big day
for you and Sharon?
N- Next month.
Small ceremony.
I guess you'll be hiring
a new secretary, then.
You know,
this is ridiculous.
I've got a meeting wi-with
the art director at 1:00.
- Oh.
- And I need to have that painting.
Is Richard out there?
Richard? R-Richard.
Buddy?
Oh, uh, Bill, wait!
What in the hell is that?
Well, Bill,
I was thinking.
All our cards
are for people, right?
From people
and to people.
Well, they're the ones
who buy them.
But what about the people
who... don't have anyone...
to send a card to?
I'm listening.
Well, you're missing
a whole segment of the public.
People who don't have anyone
to send a card to...
and people who don't have
anyone to get a card from.
- Right!
- Uh-huh.
- Uh-huh!
- Uh-huh.
So Richard was thinking...
I was thinking...
those people
don't have people.
But they do have animals.
Pets!
This is the first
in a line of cards...
that people
can send themselves...
from their pets!
"Dear Master,
I painted you
a birthday card,
and it's a real
dead ringer,
but it's awful hard to paint
'cause I don't have thumbs or fingers. "
Hmm? Hmm.
Okay, I love it!
He loves it!
- He loves it!
- He loves it?
Welcome to the Good Boy
Dog Obedience School,
where there is no such thing...
no... as a bad dog.
Only stubborn ones.
When you and your precious
pooches leave this class,
you will leave side by side...
you, the master,; your dog,
your faithful servant...
without leashes.
I expect every dog
to pay attention.
Are you a hard case, boy?
Is he a hard case?
I... I don't know.
I've been training the canine
species for 27 years, son.
I think I know an attitude
problem when I see one.
This is how we handle
the hard case, people.
Pay attention.
Or, you know, you can have cards
pets could send to each other.
You know, like a dog could send
a cat a get-well-soon card.
- Or love letters for rabbits.
- Yeah!
Happy Groundhog's Day
cards, Bill.
Maybe I'm getting
ahead of myself.
Okay, that's brilliant. We need
to have our lawyers talk on Monday.
We got a percentage deal
to work out.
Ciao, baby!
Ciao.
Yes! Ha!
Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.
Oh, yeah!
Oh, yeah.
Hoo! A-hoo!
- Say my name, say my name, say my name!
- Richard!
- Mwah!
- That's a step in the right direction.
And the amazing thing is,
I owe it all to Beethoven.
This is an obstacle course.
When I'm finished
with your dogs,
they will be able to negotiate
this course automatically!
It may seem difficult at first,
but don't give up.
You are the master.
Your dog must obey.
Over!
This is one of the commands
that you will be learning.
Our friend here
just doesn't know it yet.
Not too smart, are you, pal?
- Okay, pal, I guess we're going to do this the hard way.
- Go! Go on, Beethoven!
Students, one last thing:;
Never let go of the leash.
Over!
Now, what we have...
Whoa! Yo!
Oh! Oh!
Wait, wait, wait!
- ## Well, everybody thinks I'm just a little out of place ##
- Stop, stop!
Wait!
- Stop! Stay, stay!
- ##I'm trying hard to fit in but it'll be okay ##
- ## Once you train me ##
- Heel! Roll over! Fetch!
- No! Come back!
- ##Show me all your moves ##
- Oh... no!
- ##I'll show you who's walkin' who ##
## Come, stay, speak, sit ##
- ##New dog, old tricks ##
- Wait, wait, wait, wait!
##No more fleas, no more ticks ##
## Chasing balls
and fetching sticks ##
##I'm your new best friend ##
##New dog, old tricks ##
- ## Caviar-flavored biscuits ##
- No. Wait. No.
##I never had it good as this ##
##I'm a new dog, old tricks ##
- ##Hey, if you think
you're gonna get me ##
- ## To heel for you, don't bother ##
- Wait, wait, wait, wait.
- ## You'll be slippin'and slidin' and swimmin'knee deep ##
- Ow!
- ##In slobber ##
- Whoa!
## There's a new pooch
on the block ##
- ##I'll show you who'll be top dog ##
- Whoa-oa-oa-oa!
##Eat, sleep, bark, sit ##
##New dog, old tricks ##
##No more fleas
No more ticks ##
## Chasing balls
and fetching sticks ##
##I'm your new best friend ##
##New dog, old tricks ##
## Caviar-flavored biscuits ##
##Never had it good as this ##
##I'm a new dog
Old tricks ####
This means war.
Reg, can you just put
that thing away for once?
- Just e-mailing ahead to make
sure the pro's ready. - Dad!
Oh, Maddy, Simmons has taken
Michelangelo to the groomers.
But your feng shui instructor
will be here soon.
But, Mom, Dad said he would
roller-blade with me today.
Oh, honey, she's right.
What the heck is that?
Oh. Thanks, honey.
Duh.
- Reg, what are you doing? - I was
gonna go roller-blading with Maddy.
No, we're playing tennis.
Madison has a very full schedule,
just like we do.
Sweetheart, don't forget.
Your Taiwanese Slap Fighting instructor
will be here at 4:00. Be good. Bye!
He was pretty nice
about it, actually.
Yeah. He just didn't want
to give me my money.
You know what? No math grade
is worth this humiliation.
I quit.
You're on your own.
- Hi. Am I too late for class?
- Uh, you just, um...
uh... um... uh...
Uh, you... uh...
- You just missed it.
- Darn.
Well, is it every week?
Yeah. You can
sign up over there.
Okay, great.
Thanks.
I guess I'll see you
next weekend.
Great dog.
- Bye.
- Bye.
Too bad you won't be there.
What are you talking about?
I love dog training school.
We gotta practice
a lot next week.
That way Beethoven
doesn't do anything stupid.
Speaking of stupid,
you should practice talking.
Shut up.
- No, you shut up.
- No, you shut up.
Ah, here we are,
Michelangelo.
Time for your lovely bath.
Good boy. Out you come.
Time for your
beauty treatment.
Ah, Guillermo. Thank you so much
for meeting me halfway.
I had a million things to do
and no time to do them in.
Is no problem, Simmons.
I do anything for you,
my burly little muscle dog.
- Yes. Oh, you're so brave
and big and strong.
Ca va.
You know what you
should do? You...
Just the premium wash and wax.
No air freshener.
Is parfum,
not air freshener.
I'm sorry.
I get a little defensive.
It's my own formula.
I call it "CK9."
Get it? "Canine"?
I get it for you. You smell yourself.
Here, hold a minute.
- Ooh!
- Don't... Don't make a sound.
- Give me the leash.
- Oh, my word. Is this a robbery?
Yeah, that's right.
That's right.
Come on.
Come on, pooch.
Okay, I have two...
Oh, mon Dieu!
Simmons, what has happened to you?
That rotten scoundrel,
he's stolen Michelangelo.
Michelangelo!
- Run!
- No, come back! No! Come back!
Come back, you stupid...
Come here! Come here!
I'll bet you this is part of
the problem. His collar's too tight.
No, really?
Mustard and onions with relish,
mustard and onions...
Beethoven!
- Come back, Beethoven!
- Whoa! Whoa, whoa!
Stop, dog, stop!
Beethoven!
Get back here. Oh, boy!
Oh, my goodness.
Come back! Come back!
Beethoven!
Ooh, where'd he go?
Wait!
Hmm, what's this?
You idiot.
Come back! Come back!
Beethoven!
Whoa!
Michelangelo!
Michelangelo, stop!
Michelangelo!
Stop that!
Give up those links, boy.
- Your cholesterol
will go through the roof.
What has got into you?
You're being a very naughty boy.
Come along.
Come along.
Michelangelo,
when I get you home,
you are grounded.
- Beethoven!
- He's gotta be around here somewhere.
Beethoven, where are you?
Beethoven!
Come on, boy.
Beethoven, don't you
ever do that again.
Michelangelo, that was a stinker.
Oh!
Egads.
Whoo! Michelangelo, pee-yew!
Smelly!
I told you not to eat
those hot dogs.
Now you smell
like beef byproducts.
Appetizer, sir?
Vittles?
Come along. Come along.
Come along.
Yum.
Hello? Michelangelo.
Michelangelo!
You daydreaming?
Come along.
Whew! Goodness me.
What's gotten into you?
You're not yourself at all.
Come along.
You can just sit there
and use this 15 minutes' time-out...
to think about how
utterly reprehensible...
your behavior was today.
I'm going to go upstairs, change my
trousers, get all this doggy grease off me.
Beefy breath!
And I'm cancelling
your massage.
No! Not on the floor!
Come on, Beethoven.
- Did you see what he just did?
- No.
- Mmm!
- Looks great, Dad.
Thank you, sweetheart.
Oh, no, you don't.
- He just picked up my napkin.
- I told you he was smart.
He folded your napkin.
That's beyond smart.
It's weird.
You know what's really weird?
I don't think
he's drooling anymore.
That's weird.
- Is it Thanksgiving?
- Of course not, Maddy. Why?
Because we're all
eating together.
Maddy, that's a good one.
But, you know,
I think inappropriate.
Say you're sorry, honey.
Sorry, Mom.
I just thought it would be nice for us all
to have a typical Sedgefood family meal.
Oh, Reg, did I tell you
that fur company we picketed closed?
Mm-hmm. I know.
We owned it.
How could we?
It's against everything we believe in.
We just acquired it
a few years ago.
I could have had free furs
all this time, and you never told me?
- Martha, you're against fur.
- Yeah, now, but I didn't used to be!
De-fatted, unsalted,
cholesterol-free,
organic porcine pot roast.
Was it free-range?
It was a pig, ma'am.
I'm not sure how far
they'd actually go...
if they were given
free range.
Maybe just the semolina,
faux meat patty, then, Simmons.
- As you wish, ma'am.
- Oops.
Sorry.
Michelangelo, would you be so kind
as to get that napkin?
Michelangelo.
Michelangelo, no.
Get back! Get back!
Ohh!
Oh! Simmons!
That wasn't the Bella, was it?
My God. That's gonna leave a mark.
Okay.
One foot in front of the other.
There we go.
Steady up.
Just don't stand there,
Simmons, for heaven's sake!
Get the pot roast away from him!
He'll break out in hives!
Hmm.
Michelangelo?
I was having a bad dream.
Did I wake you?
Hey, want to come
sleep with me?
Come on.
Come on. Yeah.
Okay.
Let's see who's done
their homework.
How about my little obstacle course
buddy? Drop the leash, son.
Um, I-I don't think that's
such a good idea, sir.
Last week, due to circumstances
beyond my control,
I was unable to tell you all
the commands you will be learning...
- in this class.
- Brennan!
Commands such as "sit,"
"down,"
"come"...
and, of course, "heel. "
And, therefore, in order
to test your dog's skills,
my wife, Florence Rutledge,
has lovingly designed...
the obstacle course,
which represents
real-life situations...
you and your canine
might actually encounter...
in real life.
The tunnel, one of
the more difficult trials,
which only 1 in 100 untrained dogs
can successfully negotiate.
The "A"frame, perhaps a dangerous
sand dune at the beach...
on a busy summer day,
kids screaming everywhere!
Can you trust your canine
not to bolt into the crowd...
and make off with
a three-year-old kid for lunch?
The double jump,
perhaps...
your neighbor's hedge,
...over which your dog
might have to hurtle...
to save you from a...
eh... cat.
It's happened before.
The teeter, a lot like...
well, I'm not sure
about that one,
but Florence like teeters,
so she put it in.
And, of course,
the suspended foam donut.
Absolutely impossible for amateurs
to negotiate without proper training.
So don't even try it.
Yes, people, it's not
going to happen overnight.
But with a lot
of hard work and patience,
even a dog who's two bones short
of a stew will learn to obey.
And before this class
is over, big guy,
you will be trained
so well...
that you will execute
each and every obstacle...
as if it were
a walk in the park.
I promise you that.
Dismissed!
Ladies, your attention,
please, to the podium.
Thank you.
Ladies,
you are invited here today...
because you've all
been in the forefront...
in your concern
for the environment...
and your willingness to embrace
new methods of conservation.
The idea of drinking toilet water
is a new one, to be sure,
but it's the wave
of the future!
Hey!
Come on, ladies.
Don't be shy.
- Bottoms up, so to speak!
- Here we go!
Ahh!
- I can do this.
- Lauren, you want to go play in my room?
- I got ya!
- Whoa!
Stop! Stop!
- Michelangelo!
- You're coming with me!
What are you doing?
Stop! Stop it!
What are you doing?
Aaah!
Heel!
Michelangelo, stop!
Whoa-oa-oa!
Oh, no.
Oh, no!
Whoa! Whoa!
Whoa! Whoa!
Oh, dear, madam.
You're all wet.
Whoa!
- Whoa!
- Michelangelo! Sit! Stay!
Heel! Oh, crikey.
Oh... my... God!
He's having
an anxiety attack!
Come here. Got ya.
Now, that went well,
didn't it? Idiot!
Oh, shut up.
Haven't you done enough?
Come along. Goodness.
You have no idea
how traumatic it was, Doctor.
The deeply buried feelings
it dredged up.
I just had a flash.
Do you think I had issues with
potty training when I was a child?
Mrs. Sedgwick,
would you please sit up?
This is Michelangelo's
appointment.
Oh!
Of course.
I see there's a lot
of hostility today.
That's just it, Doctor.
All that hostility, all that acting out.
It's all so sudden.
Where is it coming from?
- Do you want to know what I think?
- Of course.
I think Michelangelo
is reacting to a lack of affection.
Well, that's ridiculous.
I'm fairly sure my daughter
gives him affection.
- You're fairly sure?
- Well, I've seen them together.
Mrs. Sedgwick, do you give Michelangelo
affection? Physical affection.
I try to give him
his space.
What about your daughter?
- Well, I-I told you, I'm fairly sure...
- No, no.
I mean, do you give
your daughter affection?
Dr. Brothers,
as you pointed out,
this is Michelangelo's
appointment, not mine.
Mrs. Sedgwick, I think the problem
is deeper than Michelangelo.
He's merely the first one
to exhibit symptoms.
- What are you writing now?
- Notes from my new book.
When you people fell out of the stupid
tree, you hit every branch on the way down.
Heel.
Good boy.
Sit.
Brennan, look!
Can you believe this?
I don't know what it is. I mean, my dog
just can't seem to learn anything.
I wish he was more
like Beethoven.
Well, it didn't just
happen overnight, you know.
Um, you just, you know,
gotta keep at it,
and eventually it'll
all come together.
You just gotta, um,
be patient, mostly, and a lot
of hard work and stuff.
Thanks.
- Well, I gotta go.
- I-I gotta go too.
- Okay, bye.
- Bye.
- Bye. Okay.
- I guess I'll see you later, then.
It's just incredible,
that's all.
I mean, top student
in the class.
A beautiful girl
likes me.
It just doesn't work
that way in high school.
Brennan, are you
worried about Beethoven?
Oh, yeah. Real worried. I'm worried that
he's gonna turn me into such a babe magnet,
I won't have time
to eat or sleep.
Brennan, I mean it.
Beethoven's not the same dog
he used to be.
What are you talking about?
I mean, all our problems are over.
Beethoven's finally
learning how to obey.
Mom's cooled off about
sending him off to some farm.
Hey, my math grades are better
than they've ever been.
- Brennan, I mean it.
- I think he's totally fine, okay?
Come on.
Oh, no.
Phoebe again.
Don't worry about it.
Go on, do your stuff, boy.
Beethoven!
Where are you going? Come on!
Run!
- Beethoven!
- Run, Sara, run!
- Beethoven!
- Get back here, you weenie!
Beethoven, I know I haven't
always been your biggest fan,
but I can see you're
working hard to fit in.
Honey, do you think
he's okay?
Are you kidding?
If anybody's okay around here,
it's Beethoven.
I mean, he's not making a mess.
He's not chasing the mailman.
He's not even drooling.
Sure, 'cause all he does
is lie around all day.
Well, then I guess
he's just civilized.
No! No, see, that's no good.
I need him to do something.
- Like what?
- I don't know.
Anything.
I need his inspiration.
Come on, boy.
Pee on the rug.
Just like old times.
Pee on the rug.
- Richard!
- Look, I'm counting on him...
to give me some ideas
for this new pet card thing.
I'm dying out there, honey.
Come on, boy. Come on!
Come on, boy, jump on the couch.
Rip up a pillow!
Martha, I just don't see
what the problem is.
He seems perfectly all right.
- He attacked your personal trainer this morning.
- That's fine with me.
The man was making me
do leg lifts.
I'm sorry. I just don't
see how this concerns us.
I mean, can't the staff
handle this?
This isn't about the staff.
It's about the family.
- Well, then I think Madison should be here.
- You're absolutely right.
- Hi, Mom. Hi, Dad.
- Oh. Come in, honey.
I would think you'd want to protect
your investment, if nothing else.
Michelangelo doesn't
show anymore,
but we could make quite a bit
putting him out to...
S- T-U-D.
Besides, if you recall, we
originally bought him as a family pet.
All right.
What did Dr. Brothers
think that we should do?
We have to bring out
Michelangelo's inner puppy.
- Oh, good night, nurse.
- Oh, Reg!
All right, fine.
How?
Cavort.
- Excuse me?
- Run.
Play.
Throw old tennis balls.
The things real people do
with their real pets.
Sounds like fun, doesn't it, boy?
- I don't know how to cavort.
- Well, I don't either. It's pathetic, isn't it?
He wants to teach you how to play.
Here, Dad. Catch.
- Bye, Dad.
- Ham and cheese, pickle on the side.
- Bye, Dad.
- Mustard only, lettuce and avocado,
sliced apple,
three cookies, Jell-O,
string cheese, spoon, napkin
and a blue ice block.
You got it.
Well,
I guess
I'll go to work.
Okay.
- All right.
- See ya.
Oh. Uh,
bye, Beethoven.
Ah!
I knew it.
She'd never admit it
in a million years,
but she misses the slobbering
old Beethoven too.
Well, guess what, buddy.
He's coming back.
Just like Mama
used to make! Yeah!
Mr. Newton?
Are-Are you okay?
Sorry I brought
the Book Club!
Come on. Come on.
Ohh.
Ahh, a fragrant bouquet.
Yeah.
It's subtle, yet brazen.
Richard,
what are you doing?
Nothing. Why?
One, two, three.
Hit the deck!
Ahh, yeah!
Yeah!
Oh, no, you don't!
Come back!
Wow, Mom. I didn't know
you knew how to cook bacon.
Well, I'm sad to say there's
a lot about me you don't know.
Anyway,
it's not real bacon.
Really?
'Cause...
boy, it sure... it sure
tastes like the real stuff.
Oh! I thought
the three of us...
could take Michelangelo and try out
the trail by the reservoir.
- Cool. Okay.
- That would be cool.
Okay. I'll have Simmons
bring the car around.
I am here, sir.
Oh.
Nice job, Simmons.
Simmons,
bring the car around.
It would make my day, sir.
Nigel, it's me.
Me, you idiot.
Listen to me.
They're going hiking...
with the dog
at the reservoir.
No, not biking.
Hiking.
Yes. The dog.
Meet me at the reservoir.
Yes, right now, idiot.
I didn't want to dirty
any glasses.
Oh. Huh.
- Bye, Mom. Bye, Dad.
- Bye, Mom. Bye, Dad.
Guys, wait.
Honey, sit down here.
Beethoven and I have
something to show you.
- Say good-bye.
- What?
Go on.
Tell Beethoven good-bye.
Good-bye.
Ugh!
- Eww! I thought he was over that!
- Me too.
Slobber, drool everywhere.
Isn't it great?
Yeah, ask me again
when I dry off.
We were so close!
So close?
What do you mean?
Well, we didn't want to tell you
till it was over, but...
We've been taking Beethoven
to obedience school.
- What?
- Yeah.
Well, that explains
a few things.
Yeah. But why?
Why would you...
Because we wanted
to keep him.
And we figured if he was acting
better, then maybe we could.
Well, you did
a good job.
Yeah. Almost too good.
So, can we keep him?
Oh...
Okay, he can stay.
- Yes!
- All right!
Thanks, Mom!
Guess what.
- Beethoven's valedictorian of his class.
- No kidding?
Whoa!
Hey, where'd he go?
- He's drinking from the toilet!
- Oh!
He's downing
the whole bowl!
Keep drinking, boy.
I'm gonna get my sketch pad.
Brennan, go get Beethoven
out of the bathroom.
Right.
- That's weird.
- Yeah.
Whew!
All right. Come on.
There.
Look at him mark the trail, huh, Martha?
Those were the days.
You know, when I was a kid, my dad
took us all out west in a land yacht.
- What's that?
- A motor home.
- That sounds like fun.
- Oh, it was great fun.
How about you, boy?
Huh?
You've never been on vacation
in a motor home, have you?
Whoa!
Sir, I don't know if you saw the signs
back there, but it clearly said...
Get in the car! Get in the car!
Put on your seat belt!
Let's go! Go!
- Daddy!
- That's horrible!
- Stop it!
- He's got Michelangelo!
Yes, it is part of the F.B.I. internship
program. Look it up in the manual.
Now, listen. Two buttermilk,
two chocolate with rainbow sprinkles,
fourjelly-filled,
and go to Krispy Kreme.
We get a discount there.
Put the box in my car.
Yeah, with two coffees.
No sugar.
Uh, the car is registered
to someone named "Niggel Bigelow. "
Nigel. The car is registered
to Nigel Bye-jelow.
It's Nigel Bigelow.
Right.
Whatever.
Didn't even bother to remove
the plates from the vehicle.
That's pretty sloppy.
Now, the local cops have
his apartment staked out.
The problem is that he knows that we
made him, since he abandoned his vehicle.
So chances are that
he returns there are pretty slim.
- All we can do is sit and wait.
- I, um...
I hate to mention this
under the circumstances, sir,
but, uh, I do have
that doctor's appointment.
Oh, absolutely, Simmons.
You've done enough
for one day.
Uh, I mean, if that's
all right with you guys.
Yeah, sure, sure.
It's best to keep to a normal routine.
We don't think that Bigelow
has an accomplice,
but he could be
watching the house.
Very good, sir.
And, um,
thank you, sir.
Oh.
Here you are,
Miss Madison.
Well, cheerio.
Back! Back, dog! Back! Nice dog!
Back in your room. Back in your room.
Don't... Get... Don't... Get...
Don't... Don't... Don't...
Get back in the room!
Well, Nigel,
I see you have a firm command
of the situation, as usual.
You lied. You said
he weren't a killer.
He's not a killer.
You are an oaf.
- Yeah, whatever. Just get rid of him.
- Come on, Michelangelo.
And-And make sure you lock the door!
What are you doing with a chicken?
Oh, have I told you
how much I...
loathe giving you your kibble
morning, noon and night?
No?
Well, let me show you.
Lunch...
is served, sir.
Well,
that wasn't too
difficult, was it?
You can come down now, Nigel.
The killer doggie is safely put away.
Yeah, well, that's okay for you,
but the bathroom's in there,
and eventually, I'll have to use it.
Now listen to me.
If we can get through all this without
you leaping atop the furniture...
every time the dog decides
to behave like a dog,
then you can go to the bathroom on
the afternoon flight to Rio deJaneiro.
Why?
Oh, right. Yeah. Because we're
going to Brazil this afternoon.
Yeah, yeah, I remember.
I packed my maracas. I can use...
Shut up and read this.
It's your lines.
Glasses.
Oh, come on.
It wasn't me.
It was the whoopie.
Phone.
Hello?
- Hello?
- Speak clearly.
- Ransom note.
- The puppy, you twit!
I have your dog.
Put 250,000
in a plain paper bag...
behind the statue
in Civic Center Park.
No police. You have
till 4:;00 "pumm"today.
P.M., you twit!
4:00 p. m., you twit.
250,000 what?
- 250,000 dollars.
- Dollars?
- Dollars.
- By 4:00?
And make it all
in unmarked...
twenty-dollar bills.
- I don't know if I can do that.
- If you ever want to see that mutt again,
you'll do exactly
what I say.
No police.
No mistakes.
You put him on the phone.
I want to talk to him.
- He's okay.
- All right. Just don't hurt him.
- Did you just...
- No. No, I didn't.
It was the dog.
4:00 p. m.
You idiot.
- Where are you going?
- I'm going to the bank.
Hah!
I told him, didn't I?
Oh, yes.
You were superb.
Now, I have to leave.
Listen to me.
Are you listening
to me?
Yeah, I think.
Don't... let...
him... out.
Who?
The dog!
I got it. The dog.
I got it. Don't worry.
Don't worry.
He's not going anywhere.
- Look at him. He's so handsome.
- Yeah.
- Now I know why Brennan was so gung ho about this.
- Yeah, she's cute.
I wonder if she's the one
who's been doing his math homework.
Hey, how 'bout this?
"Dear master.
It's our anniversary.
I see you've raised your cup.
So I drink
a toast to us,
and will never leave
the seat up. "
- Be careful, honey.
- Yeah.
Is he gonna be all right?
He's gonna be all right, isn't he?
Tell me he's going
to be all right.
- Uh, congratulations.
- All right.
Thank you.
Come on.
Take a bite of this one.
There you go.
There he is!
That's the thief!
- Who?
- Stay here.
Hey! Hey!
Hey!
Reg! Wait!
We're right behind you!
There he goes.
Push.
You gotta quit
smoking, pal.
It's empty!
There's no money!
This ain't right. Johnny said
we was in this together.
Why'd he rat me out?
Johnny?
J...
Jonathan Simmons?
Michelangelo.
What are you doing here?
Good boy. Stay.
Stay there.
It's all right. Yes.
Good boy. Stay.
Stay.
Good boy.
- Oh, no.
- Well?
- I put it right here. It's gone!
- Oh, no.
This class's valedictorian...
is one in a million.
A champion among canines.
Noblest of a noble breed.
Beethoven, front and center.
- All right, Beethoven!
- All right!
All right.
Come on.
He reminds me of a dog
I knew during the war.
A stalwart pup.
Brave, loyal, true.
And so, without
any further ado,
How much more ado
can there possibly be?
it is my pleasure to introduce
this class's valedictorian,
and an outstanding trouper,
Beethoven!
Get organized. Stop that!
Watch out!
Sit! Down!
For gosh sakes, people,
you're acting like animals!
- Cease and desist!
- Look out!
At ease!
You little flea bag!
Whoa!
Look out!
Help!
Whoa!
Michelangelo!
Where are you,
Michelangelo?
Where are you?
Michelangelo!
Beethoven!
Where are you going?
Oh.
Sara, bring me the leash.
Ow! Ooh!
Ow, get your nose out of there!
Dogs, you...
Easy. Oop!
Beethoven, don't ever
run away like that.
That was weird.
F.B.I., Simmons.
Hold it right there.
Uh-oh.
You got him?
Well, excellent work, detectives.
You mean,
excellent work, brother.
Right, brother?
Hah! Ratted you back.
You always were
a selfish,
smelly little man.
And I thought we were
in this together.
Well, you thought wrong.
Hey, hey!
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Why did you do it?
Do you remember
SedgePro 97?
Are you kidding me?
It's the only piece of software
I ever created.
That lost millions
for our investors.
Of which I was one.
Oh. Sorry.
Madison, I'm sure
the agents will find him.
You don't even
really care.
He's just some
investment to you.
I heard you tell Daddy.
Michelangelo loves me more
than anybody else in the world.
Maybe even more than you.
Oh, Madison,
that's not true.
It's just that we've
forgotten how to show it.
Michelangelo?
Michelangelo!
May I have the leash
for him?
"What is it about this dog,"
you may ask,
"that merits this honor?"
Well, I can sum it up
in one word:;
"A"... discipline;
two... obedience,;
and "D"...
overlooking
any temptations...
that may pass
right in front of his nose.
- Uh, Sgt. Rutledge...
- At ease, son. I'm on a roll.
- But I got...
- Just... Mmmm!
Just remember:;
Until your dog is
properly trained,
never let go of the leash.
Uh-oh. Ah-ooh!
Beethoven!
Yeah. His old self again.
What a card this'll make.
That's our dog!
Beethoven!
No.
## Well, everybody thinks I'm
just a little out of place ##
##But who can blame me ##
##I'm tryin'hard to fit in
but it'll be okay ##
## Once you train me ##
##Show me all your moves ##
##I'll show you
who's walkin' who ##
## Come, stay, speak, sit ##
##New dog, old tricks ##
##No more fleas
No more ticks ##
## Chasin'balls
and fetchin'sticks ##
##I'm your new best friend ##
##New dog, old tricks ##
## Caviar-flavored biscuits ##
##I never had it good as this ##
##I'm a new dog
Old tricks ##
##Hey, if you think you're
gonna get me to heel for you ##
##Don't bother ##
## 'Cause you'll be slippin'and slidin'
and swimmin'knee deep ##
##In slobber ##
## There's a new pooch
on the block ##
##I'll show you
who'll be top dog ##
##Eat, sleep, bark, sniff ##
##New dog, old tricks ##
##No more fleas
No more ticks ##
## Chasin'balls
or fetchin'sticks ##
##I'm your new best friend ##
##New dog, old tricks ##
## Caviar-flavored biscuits ##
##Never had it good as this ##
##I'm a new dog
Old tricks ##
## Well, everybody thinks I'm
just a little out of place ##
##But who can blame me ##
##I'm tryin'hard to fit in
but it'll be okay ##
## Once you train me ##
##Show me all your moves ##
##I'll show you
who's walkin' who ##
## Come, stay, speak, sit ##
##New dog, old tricks ##
##No more fleas
No more ticks ##
## Chasin'balls
and fetchin'sticks ##
##I'm your new best friend ##
##New dog, old tricks ##
## Caviar-flavored biscuits ##
##Never had it good as this ##
##I'm a new dog
with old tricks ####