That's a big fella! Whoa!
- Looks great.
- Thank you.
Happy vacation, honey.
Manchurian tung oil!
Where did you get this?
Helen got it for me in Oslo.
There's enough here
to do the whole table and the bureau.
I wonder what this could be.
Oh, honey, you got it. Thank you.
Enough to do the entire guest room.
I'm so glad we're spending
our vacation at home.
- I'm gonna get started now.
- Where are you going?
- I'll get it.
- Be my guest.
- Maybe you should get it.
- I'll go.
Oh, no!
Jane.
It's your turn, honey.
- Good luck, honey.
- Thanks.
Hi, Barbara. I'm glad I caught you.
Heard you were on vacation.
That's right. Complete vacation.
Today I'm $260,000!
- It's 6:45 in the morning.
- This offer is real.
From a man in New York City
who only saw a photograph.
Jane, don't send people photos
of our house.
He wants to bring the wife and family
here for some peace and quiet.
That's what we're looking for.
This house is too big for you.
It ought to be for a couple with kids.
I didn't mean anything.
But this house is too big.
- I'll see you in a few weeks. Okay?
- Think about it.
I was telling Barbara about this offer
on the house...
No, Jane.
Come with me to the store.
- What for?
- I need a new brush for the tung oil.
- And I want to get a part for the model.
- Just run in, okay?
Two weeks at home. The perfect vacation.
Jane says we should sell the house
to someone with a family.
I don't think it's any of Jane's business.
Besides, we could try again
on this vacation.
Really? What are you saying?
- How are you doing, Ernie?
- Hi, how are you?
Good morning, Adam.
- Need a haircut before your vacation?
- No, thanks, Bill.
- How's the model coming?
- Great.
You know, Bozman built that foundation
in 1835. His grandson...
He's got hair down
to his goddamn shoulders.
He says to me, "Just trim it a little."
- I took the scissors to him so fast...
- See you later.
- This will be great.
- Wouldn't you rather go to Jamaica?
- No way. There's no place like home.
- Look out for that...
Perfect start to our vacation.
You'll feel better when you're dry.
That fire wasn't burning when we left.
- How's your arm?
- I don't know. It feels frozen.
I'll make some coffee
and you get wood for the fire.
Maybe we should take things extra slow.
Do you remember how
we got back up here?
I'm going back to that bridge
and retrace our steps.
- You saved my...
- Two hours!
- You won't believe... What?
- That's how long you were gone.
- What is going on?
- I have to show you something.
Look.
There's that.
And there's that.
- "Handbook for the Recently Diseased."
- Deceased.
Deceased.
I don't know where it came from.
Look at the publisher.
"Handbook for
the Recently Deceased Press."
You know what?
I don't think we survived the crash.
I hate this.
Can you give me the basics?
This book isn't arranged that way.
What do you want to know?
Why did you disappear
when you stepped off the porch?
Are we halfway to heaven
or halfway to hell?
How long will this last?
I don't see anything about heaven or hell.
This book reads like stereo instructions.
Listen.
"Geographical and Temporal Perimeters.
"Functional perimeters vary from
manifestation to manifestation."
This is going to take some time.
Damn sandworms. Thirteen percent, huh?
I better find a job.
Let's see. Business section.
What do we got here? The Maitlands.
Cute couple. Look nice and stupid, too.
I wish I had a better view
of the cemetery from here.
I can't tell which is
the best placement for us.
Cabin fever?
I can't clean anything properly.
The vacuum's in the garage
and we can't leave the house.
Why don't they tell us something?
Where are the other dead people?
Why is it just you and me?
Maybe this is heaven.
In heaven there wouldn't be dust
on everything.
It's Jane.
- What's she doing here?
- I don't know.
Jane, up here. Jane!
She can't see you, right?
In the book, rule number two:
"The living usually won't see the dead."
- Won't or can't?
- It just says "won't."
God, this book is so stupid!
I can't understand anything in it.
Barb, honey...
...we're dead.
I don't think we have much
to worry about anymore.
This is great!
Just what the doctor ordered.
Sorry, ma'am.
Delia Deetz, welcome home.
Charles!
It's okay, there's no damage. See?
Good, sturdy, country craftsmanship.
Look at that kitchen. You'll finally
be able to cook a decent meal.
Come and have a look.
A little gasoline. Blowtorch. No problem.
Excuse me. Here we go.
We'll have to rip out all the plumbing.
Other than that, it's perfect. Just perfect.
- What do you think, honey?
- Delia hates it.
I could live here.
Careful! That's my sculpture.
I don't mean "my" as in "I bought it."
I mean I made it.
Put it on the table.
Ten minutes. I'm already perfectly at ease.
It's perfect.
Help!
It's Otho.
Otho, why don't you come
in the front door?
It's bad luck.
You left the city for me. I am so happy.
Of course you are.
Let's get one thing straight.
We're here to enjoy the country setting,
not to trash the place!
Charles, you're lucky
the yuppies are buying condos...
...so you can afford what I'm going
to have to do to this place.
I'm here to relax and clip coupons,
and, damn it, I mean to do it.
Then go do it quietly, dear,
and let Otho and me think.
Is the rest of the house as bad as this?
Is this a punishment?
What are we going to do?
We're not completely helpless.
I've been reading that book and there's
a word for people in our situation.
Ghosts!
Let's get this show on the road.
We're dealing with
negative entertainment potential.
There's absolutely no organic flow through.
I noticed that, too.
It's like a giant ant farm.
- What?
- I thought I saw something.
You've read my mind.
- I did?
- So few clients are able to read my mind.
They're not open to the experience.
My God!
We just have to pray the other closets
are bigger than this one.
Look!
Ozzie and Harriet.
- What happened to these people?
- They died.
Look, an indoor outhouse.
- Viridian.
- Viridian. Why do I know that name?
Blue-green!
Hydrated chromic oxide.
Remember, I'm schooled in chemistry.
I was a hair analyst.
- What?
- Briefly.
Deliver me from L.L. Bean.
I know what you two are up to and
you're not going to get away with it!
This is not working out.
I will not stop living and breathing art
just because you need to relax.
I'm here with you. I'll live with you
in this hellhole.
But I must express myself. If I can't
gut this house and make it my own...
...I will go insane
and I will take you with me!
Yeah. Well, maybe the house
could use a little remodeling.
But why don't you just leave
this room alone, okay?
Okay.
I'll get her.
So?
Once you cover the wallpaper, knock down
a few walls, this place might be livable.
- What's on the third floor?
- Attic space.
I forgot to lock the attic door.
- Did you feel something?
- When?
- You don't have a key?
- Maybe Charles does.
I have a feeling there's something
very interesting behind this door.
Yeah, the ghosts of the people who died
in this house, and they want us out!
Let's do them a favor.
My God, that was close!
I cannot watch this.
What's the good of being a ghost
if you can't frighten people away?
- Honey?
- No, I'm not putting up with this!
- You don't know what's out there.
- I don't care.
Barbara!
Adam!
Adam, help. I'm getting all yellow!
We're trapped in this house
with those people.
I can't believe we're eating Cantonese.
Is there no Szechwan up here?
I plan to have a stroke from the amount
of MSG in this food.
This is our first meal in this house,
so let's try to make it a pleasant one.
Don't bait your mother.
When we get settled, we'll build you
a darkroom in the basement.
My whole life is a darkroom.
One big dark room.
You were miserable in New York City,
and you'll be miserable in the sticks.
At least someone's life
hasn't been upheaved.
I'm happy here. Those people in New York
don't know what they're missing.
We could become The Summer Art Center
of New York.
I could start sculpting again.
I'm only truly happy when I'm sculpting.
That's a very good idea.
That'll be very time-consuming.
First the house.
Otho and I have great plans.
We should keep it the way it is.
Good idea.
The furniture truck is coming.
We must decide what goes and what stays.
Everything goes,
along with whatever's in the attic.
Careful.
Tell me what you do and I'll tell you
why my husband will fire you.
- Isn't there an index?
- No, nothing.
What's this?
Do you know where that's going?
Did anyone tell you where...
Why are there only three sculptures?
There were four sculptures.
Where's the fourth sculpture?
What are you doing?
"Betelgeuse, the bio-exorcist.
Troubled by the living?
"Is death a problem and not the solution?
Unhappy with eternity?
"Having difficulty adjusting?
Call Betelgeuse."
There's no number or instructions?
Nothing. The "bio-exorcist." I don't get it.
Straight back.
Why don't you take a break
for half an hour?
Put that down!
What the hell are you doing?
- Listen to me!
- Jesus!
Why are you doing this to me?
This is my art and it is dangerous.
Do you think I want to die like this?
Hi. How are you?
That little girl saw us.
- Nobody can see us.
- But she did.
- What happened to the previous owners?
- They drowned.
Yes, they were family. I was devastated.
- Here, take that.
- Is this the key to the attic?
That's a skeleton key that will open
any door. Give that to your father.
You might mention I single-handedly
decorated that house.
If he needs any advice in that arena
have him come see me.
Don't worry. I locked the door.
Having trouble with the living?
Tired of having your home violated?
Want to get rid of them
pesky living critters?
Well, come on down and see me,
the afterlife's leading bio-exorcist.
Yes, sirree! I want to tell you,
I'll do anything!
I'll scare 'em real bad.
I'll do anything to get your business.
Hell! I'll possess myself if I gotta!
Yo! I got demons runnin' all through me.
Come on down and see it.
If you act now, you get a free
demon possession with every exorcism.
You can't beat that, can you?
Bring the little partners. We've got plenty
of snakes for them to play with.
Say it once, say it twice,
third time's a charm. And remember...
"I'll eat anything you want me to eat.
Swallow anything you want me to swallow.
"So, come on down, I'll chew on the dog."
We need some help. I read something
in this book about emergencies.
Here it is.
"In case of emergency, draw a door."
"Draw a door"? I don't know why
we keep looking in that stupid book.
Maybe we should try that Beetle guy.
You didn't actually think
that would work, did you?
"Knock three times."
Birdies!
Get it!
Dad?
- Can't you see I'm relaxing?
- I want to tell you what I saw.
What is the point of my coming here
if you people won't let me relax?
Pumpkin, sweetheart...
...go help your mother.
Maybe you can relax in a haunted house,
but I can't.
Hmm, nice building.
Bad roof. Good parking.
- Adam?
- This way, honey.
You don't have an appointment.
- We didn't know how to make one.
- Appointment for what?
- What do you want?
- Help?
Already? Just bit the big one
two months ago and you want help.
What does that have to do with anything?
You'll use up all your help vouchers: D-90s.
You spend 125 years on earth
in that house...
...during which you get only three class-one
D-90 intercessions with Juno.
You probably haven't read through
the manual completely yet.
You'll have to wait if you don't have
an appointment.
- An appointment with whom?
- For Juno, your caseworker.
Number 54,000,601. Ferndock!
- Want a cigarette?
- No, thank you.
I'm trying to cut down myself.
Adam, is this what happens when you die?
This is what happens when you die.
That is what happens when he dies.
And that is what happens when they die.
It's all very personal.
I'll tell you something.
If I knew then what I know now,
I wouldn't have had my little accident.
Maitland. Party of two.
Take the handbook
and go to the sixth door.
Oh, we forgot our handbook.
Come on.
All new arrivals,
report to waiting room number eight.
Flight 409 is arriving at gate three.
How do I look?
There are no mirrors on this side.
- You look fine.
- Fine.
Thanks. I've been feeling a little flat.
Will the Peterson party
report to door number nine.
Peterson party, please report
to door number nine.
All new arrivals,
report to waiting room number eight.
I can't believe they didn't tell us.
Oh, Adam, what is this?
That's the Lost Souls' Room.
A room for ghosts
that have been exorcised.
Poor devils.
That's death for the dead.
It's all in the handbook.
Keep moving.
Five.
This is the sixth door.
Boy, this place just gets weirder
and weirder.
We're home!
Look at this place! Everything's different.
All our furniture's gone.
How long do you suppose
we were waiting there?
Three months.
I'd almost given up on you.
I was about to leave.
I do have other clients.
- Are you Juno, our caseworker?
- Yes.
I evaluate individual cases and determine...
...if help is needed, deserved and available.
Are you available?
No.
- What's wrong?
- We're very unhappy.
What did you expect? You're dead!
We want to get rid of the people here.
We worked hard on this house.
We probably wouldn't mind sharing
the house with people who were...
- More like you used to be.
- Yes.
But these people!
Things seem quiet here.
You should thank God
you didn't die in Italy.
The Deetzes.
- Have you been studying the manual?
- We tried.
The intermediate interface chapter
on haunting says it all.
Get them out yourselves! It's your house.
Haunted houses aren't easy to come by.
- We don't quite get it.
- I heard.
Tore your faces off.
It's useless to pull off your heads
in front of people who can't see you.
- We should start simply?
- Start simply.
Do what you know.
Use your talents. Practice.
You should have been studying
those lessons since day one.
I've got to go.
What about that guy in the flyer, Betel...
Don't even say his name.
You don't want his help.
We might.
No, you don't.
He does not work well with others.
What do you mean?
I didn't want to bring it up.
But rather than have you make
another mistake, I'll tell you.
He was my assistant.
But he was a troublemaker.
He went out on his own...
...as a freelance bio-exorcist.
Claimed he could get rid of the living.
Got into more trouble.
I believe he's been sleazing
around your cemetery lately.
The only way he can be brought back...
...is by calling his name three times.
But I strongly suggest...
...that you remove the Deetzes yourselves.
How do we contact you...
...if we need you again?
Oh, Adam, that guy's in our cemetery.
She's right. We just keep this simple.
We can do this.
Hey, you, come here!
Hungry?
Come on. Hey, come here.
I got something good for you.
Come on over.
We'll have a little bite, something to nosh.
- Come here!
- Help me!
Maxie, haven't I always made you money?
That's the only real question.
Nobody made me money like you.
You were a demon until your nerves went.
It's just that...
...Winter River, Connecticut is,
if you'll forgive me, nowhere.
Why would I want to invest that kind
of money in an old building...
...way the hell up there!
- It's not a building. That's the beauty.
The people don't know the value of their
property. I can buy the whole town.
Then we own a whole town
in the middle of nowhere.
Come and see.
And bring Sarah.
All right, Charles.
It's just that I am kind of busy here.
Just a minute.
Listen. Enough of this talk
about visiting, okay? I gotta go.
You take it easy up there, big fellow.
- Good-bye.
- Max, wait, wait.
Putz.
Lydia, is Connecticut so boring?
I had Maxie Dean on the phone.
Dad's found a way of making money
while I relax, so would you scram?
Your mother will kill you when she sees
you cut holes in her $300 sheets.
This is so corny. Is this what
we've been reduced to? Sheets?
Think of them as death shrouds.
And the moaning is important.
Really moan!
God, how can he stand that woman?
Cut it out! I'm a child, for God's sakes.
- I feel so stupid.
- It's not stupid. We're ghosts!
Do you want to spend the next 125 years
having breakfast with this woman?
Moan louder.
Oh, God!
Sick. Sexual perversion.
Do that weird sexual stuff
in your own bedroom.
Ah, no feet.
Are you the guys hiding in the attic?
We're ghosts!
- What do you look like under there?
- Aren't you scared?
I'm not scared of sheets.
Are you gross under there?
Are you Night of the Living Dead
under there?
Like all bloody veins and pus?
- "Night of the," what?
- "Living Dead." It's a movie.
If I had seen a ghost at your age,
I would have been scared out of my wits.
You're not gross.
Why are you wearing sheets?
We're practicing.
- You can see us without the sheets?
- Of course I can see you.
How can you see us and nobody else can?
I read through that
Handbook for the Recently Deceased.
It says, "Live people ignore
the strange and unusual."
I myself am strange and unusual.
You look normal.
- You read our book?
- Yes.
- You could follow it?
- Yes. Why were you in Delia's bedroom?
- Trying to scare your mother.
- Stepmother.
You can't scare her.
She's sleeping with Prince Valium.
You did this?
You carved these houses and things?
And this used to be your house.
Why do you want to scare everybody?
We wanted to frighten you
so you would move out.
You don't know the Deetzes.
My father bought this place.
He never walks away from equity.
- Why don't you leave?
- We haven't left since the funeral.
Funeral!
God! You guys really are dead.
This is amazing.
- I better go.
- Wait.
- Don't tell your parents we're here.
- Unless it will frighten them away.
Tell them we are horrible...
...desperate, ghoulish creatures
who will stop at nothing...
...to get our house back.
What if this is a dream? Can you do
any tricks to prove I'm not dreaming?
If you are real ghosts, you better get
another routine because those sheets...
...they don't work.
Ghosts.
You're telling me we have ghosts
in this house.
Those pictures are of ghosts.
Ghosts!
Lydia, I am giving a dinner party
tonight for seven people.
My agent, Bernard, is bringing a woman
who writes for Art in America.
In fact, no one dining here
has not been in Vanity Fair except you.
I told them you were too mean to be afraid.
Don't you dare speak to others about me!
Being embarrassed in front of the few
people who will set foot in here scares me.
So let's play family just for tonight.
Lydia's trying, but they don't believe her.
She's got photos.
Adam, you have a photo of Bigfoot.
My photo of Bigfoot is a different story.
We've got to get some help. We've got
to contact Betelmeyer or something.
Look.
It's him. Betelgeuse.
Betelgeuse.
Go ahead, Barbara, say it.
Betelgeuse!
What happened?
I think we're in the model.
Look at that.
Where is he? What do we do?
Looks like we dig.
It's about time!
- I say we open it.
- Maybe we should knock first.
Adam. Babs.
You can pick 'em! Is this
a solid relationship? Do I have a shot?
- Excuse me.
- Sure. Am I overstepping my bounds?
It's beautiful! You picked me.
You didn't have to, but you picked me.
It makes me want to kiss you guys!
Come on, give me one.
I beg your pardon!
Let's get down to business.
I've got a card here somewhere.
Here. Who do I have to kill?
- Hold that for me.
- Whoa!
- There you go.
- You don't have to kill anybody!
Possession! Learn to throw your voice.
Fool your friends. Fun at parties.
No. We just want to get some people
out of our house.
I understand. In order to do that,
I'll have to get to know you.
We've got to get closer.
Move in with you for a while.
Get to be real pals.
You know what I'm saying?
Save that guy for later.
My wife and I have some questions.
Sure, go ahead. Shoot.
What are your qualifications?
Well, I attended Juilliard. I'm a graduate
of Harvard Business School.
I travel extensively.
I lived through the Black Plague.
I've seen The Exorcist about 167 times...
...and it keeps getting funnier
every time I see it!
Not to mention the fact
that you're talking to a dead guy!
Now what do you think?
You think I'm qualified?
Can you be scary?
Oh! I know what you're asking me.
Can I be scary?
What do you think of this?
You like it?
- Will you excuse us, please?
- Sure. Talk amongst yourselves.
- Let's go.
- I know, but he can be useful later.
- We can work something ourselves.
- Oh, yeah!
- Excuse me!
- What?
We are leaving now.
Don't go yet.
Come on, we're simpatico.
Look at us. We shop at the same store.
Hey, hermano.
Yeah, there you go.
We're like peas in a pod.
You want someone out of the house.
I want to get someone out of your house.
Look! You've been to Saturn.
I've been to Saturn!
Whoa. Sandworms.
You hate 'em, right? I hate 'em myself.
Kids, what do I have to do
to strike a deal with you two?
- Don't you hate it when that happens?
- Let's go, Barbara!
Come up for a while.
We'll talk inside. Come on.
- I'm not staying.
- The place is a mess.
We have to get out of here.
Home! Home! Home!
How did you do that?
Hope you like Italian.
Where'd you go? Hey, where'd you go?
Hey! You've got to work with me here.
I'm just trying to cut a deal.
What do you want me to do?
Where are you?
You bunch of losers!
You're working with a professional here!
Nice fucking model!
We can do this stuff on our own.
Besides, I'm not exposing
that little girl to that pervert.
We did call him,
and he seemed awfully pissed off.
I don't care. I've changed my mind.
We can scare them off ourselves... tonight.
I have an idea.
What you did with the place is wonderful.
Not me. Them.
So?
You like them.
I hope it wasn't yet another
of your dreary suicide attempts.
You know what they say about people
who commit suicide?
In the afterlife, they become civil servants.
Otho, I didn't realize
you were into the supernatural.
Of course! You remember.
After my stint with the Living Theater...
...I was one of New York's
leading paranormal researchers...
...until the bottom dropped out in '72.
Paranormal? Is that what
they're calling your kind these days?
Don't mind her. She's still upset that
somebody dropped a house on her sister.
Well, this looks really good.
I saw some ghosts.
- It's a private joke Lydia and I share.
- It's not a joke.
Yes, it is. Just today she tried
to convince me this house is haunted.
Kids! You know, I love them!
- Ghosts?
- In designer sheets, no less.
I'd like to propose a toast
to our intrepid friends...
...who braved the expressway
and two dozen tollbooths to be with us.
May your buildings go condo.
Lydia, favor us about your ghosts.
No! I am sick of that subject.
Delia, lighten up.
I would rather talk about...
That's cute, Delia.
Otho, are you doing this?
We did it!
Let's watch them scatter.
Any minute now they'll come
running out of that door screaming.
Any minute now.
It's me, Lydia.
They want you to come downstairs.
Delia says you can wear
any sheets you want.
It was like being in an amusement park.
Wham!
- I didn't know I could do the calypso.
- Who has more fun than us?
We're dealing with Tracy and Hepburn.
A very sophisticated pair.
They even appear in sheets.
Charles, why didn't you tell us
about this before?
We're not sure we want our secret out.
Everyone will want them for parties.
People will pay big money for this.
The Enquirer is offering $50,000
for proof of life after death.
This is it, Charles.
You can get Maxie Dean up here now.
- You think so?
- Sarah loves the supernatural.
She'll have him sprint up here
in his helicopter...
...if you can produce ghosts for her.
I should remind you that I'm Delia's agent.
I have lost money on her work for years.
If anything happened here, I shall handle it.
But not until I've seen real proof.
- What about this table?
- What do you call what just happened?
What money?
Don't you believe in my work?
Here's Lydia.
- Well?
- They don't want to come down.
Why not?
I think they were trying to scare you away,
and you didn't get scared.
They're dead.
It's a little late to be neurotic.
All right.
This was not a hallucination.
This was real.
We all experienced a super-powerful
paranormal experience and it was real.
Delia, you are a flake.
You have always been a flake.
If you insist on frightening people,
do it with your sculpture.
Drive carefully!
- I'm dead.
- Where do they hide?
- The attic.
- The attic's locked.
They're ghosts.
They can do what they want.
They do whatever they want.
Take us up there right now.
Fabulous! Otho Fenlock's
"Locked Door Ghosts!"
Probably committed suicide up there.
- I'm enchanted.
- In there?
- They must live like animals.
- It's locked. How did they get in?
Open this door, Dead People,
or we'll bust it down...
...and drag you out by the ropes
you hanged yourself with!
- They didn't commit suicide.
- It doesn't matter.
I can teach you something here.
Take the upper hand in all situations...
...or people, dead or alive,
will walk all over you.
Open up!
Where are they?
These ghosts are nice people.
I think we scared them away,
so let's leave them alone, all right?
It's the whole damn town.
I have never been so embarrassed.
Have they gone for good?
Dad, don't.
Mom, let's just go.
No ghosts here.
Come on! If they are in here,
I don't want to scare them away.
We're leaving now.
You can go about your business.
- What are we doing?
- Quick, quick, quick.
Oh, boy! You guys are really spooksters,
aren't you?
Now, let's turn on the juice
and see what shakes loose.
Otho, get Maxie on the phone.
We've really got something here.
We can turn this place into the world's
leading supernatural research center.
An amusement park. I'll do a presentation.
Lydia will bring the ghosts.
I can't bring the ghosts. They're not here.
- Otho, can't you do something?
- If I'm properly motivated.
What type of motivation do you require?
Why don't you leave them alone?
They didn't do anything to you.
We've come for your daughter, Chuck.
Stop! Stop!
- Betelgeuse, Betelgeuse, Betelgeuse!
- Oh, no!
Why are you doing this?
Leave me alone, all of you!
Great choice! We spend the next century
hanging out a window or doing tricks.
Maybe they'll leave now.
That snake was a nasty customer.
- He could've hurt somebody.
- But he didn't.
We've got them where we want them.
You losers! How dare you interrupt
a professional while he's working!
I'm not fond of Charles,
but you could've killed him.
I'm just doing my job!
I thought we had a deal.
It's okay. You know why?
I don't want to do business
with you deadbeats anyway, thank you.
The only one I think I can deal with
is Edgar Allan Poe's daughter.
- She understands me.
- Leave her alone!
Go ahead, make my millennium.
I'm feeling a little anxious,
if you know what I mean.
It's been about 600 years.
I wonder where an everyday Joe
like myself...
...can find a little action.
Yeah. Here I come, baby.
Hey, Adam, nice move!
- Why did you build that?
- I didn't.
Will you guys shut up and leave me alone?
I've got all this paperwork to do.
You two, come in. Sit down.
Get in here, both of you!
The whorehouse was my idea.
I want Betelgeuse out of the picture.
You two have really screwed up.
I heard you allowed yourselves
to be photographed.
You let Betelgeuse out
and didn't put him back.
And you let Otho take the handbook!
When?
Never trust the living!
We cannot have
a routine haunting like yours...
...provide proof that there is existence
beyond death.
Coach, where's the men's room?
I'm not your coach. He survived.
Let me get something straight.
- What's our curfew?
- Get out of here!
Go on, get downstairs! Men's room!
Are you kidding? Can't you read signs?
I'll be right back.
Maybe this was a bad idea.
I didn't say anything.
Who are we kidding?
You've never had a bad idea.
Yeah?
This could all work out.
Home.
I'm not sure this is the right environment
for Lydia.
- Snakes. Ghosts.
- Shrimp.
You family types.
You've got other things to worry about.
Maxie Dean is coming tonight.
You have to sell these ghosts.
I can only do so much.
What are you going to do?
Viciously rearrange their environment?
I know as much about the supernatural
as I do about interior design.
"I am...
"...alone.
"I am...
"...utterly...
"...alone.
"By the time...
"...you read this...
"...I will...
"...be gone...
"...having jumped...
"Having plummeted...
"...off...
"...the Winter River Bridge."
I don't care what it takes.
You get the Deetzes out of there now!
Wait a minute.
What are you going to do?
To scare them.
I want to make sure
it's not some silly parlor trick.
I'll go first.
Not bad. Not bad.
Now you.
Go ahead!
You look great.
Go clean house and don't forget
the photographs and the handbook.
- Coach?
- What?
I don't think we survived that crash.
How did you guess?
Mr. And Mrs. Maitland?
Hello?
- Where are you?
- Dead.
Dead, dead, deadski.
Of course they're dead. They're ghosts.
No, I mean they're gone. Split.
Out of here. Afterlife kids.
- Deceased.
- Are you a ghost, too?
I'm the ghost with the most, babe.
You look like somebody I can relate to.
Maybe you could help me get out of here.
I gotta tell you, this death thing...
It's creepy.
Here's my problem.
I've got friends on the outside
I said I'd meet.
I have to be there in person.
So could you help me get out of here?
I want to get in.
Why?
You've probably got your reasons,
but I can't do anything from here.
If you could get me out, over there,
maybe we could talk.
But to do that you've got
to say my name three times.
What's your name?
I can't tell you.
Why not?
If I tell you, you'll tell your friends,
they'll call me all the time.
I've got to go to shopping centers for
openings, sign autographs, that shit.
It makes my life hell, okay? A living hell.
But maybe if you have a pen...
I know! Do you play charades?
- Yeah.
- Good.
Here we go. Ready?
Two words.
Right!
First word, two syllables.
Look.
Turn around.
I don't know what your signal means.
Look behind you!
Hi. How are you?
Beetle.
Got it. Now, two.
Breakfast? Orange? Orange beetle?
Beetle fruit?
Beetle breakfast?
Beetle drink?
Beetle juice?
- That's it!
- Your name's Beetlejuice?
You said it twice.
Just say it once more. Come on.
It was you, wasn't it? The snake.
You kids and your imagination!
Just say it!
No.
I want to talk to Barbara.
You don't need to talk to Barbara!
Just say it!
Adam, I can't go through with it.
I like that little girl.
But it's too late.
We have to go through with this.
No, we don't. Can't we rebel?
I want to be with Lydia.
Come on! Just say it!
No, don't say it!
Say it!
It's okay. It's us. What's going on?
Beetle...
He said if I let him out he would
take me to the other side to find you.
No, Lydia, we're dead.
- I want to be dead, too.
- No!
Being dead doesn't make things any easier.
Listen to her on this.
This is something we know a lot about.
And you can visit us anytime you want.
I have a feeling things are going
to be better from now on.
What do you mean, better?
We've decided we're going to invite
you and your family to stay.
That's right.
- Can't we bring Maxie up here?
- You've got a stake in this, too.
This is a presentation. It requires
a sense of occasion, a sense of style.
- It's big. How will we get it out?
- It's sectional.
- Wait, there are plugs.
- Careful!
Okay, go.
- What's going on?
- I don't know. I'll find out.
Be careful.
We've got Ed Cornwell
to head the wax museum...
...dedicated to 50 great moments
of the paranormal in Thanksgiving Park.
You must remember Ed.
He's the genius who gave us
the talking Marcel Marceau statue.
And D-Con is on its knees
to sponsor the insect zoo...
...in the old hardware store.
We can't lose!
Lydia, you decided to join us.
I just finished the initial presentation.
Now it's time to have a stretch...
...and to invite our friends
to meet your friends.
Are they here yet?
Charles, we're here to see some ghosts.
They're not here... anymore.
Every time she says that, the paint peels...
...and some wild creature tries to kill us.
But we have pictures, Lydia.
Really. They said they'd come back
and we could all live here...
...if you agreed not to tease them
or make them do stupid tricks.
She has a tendency to overreact.
Don't worry, we're not relying on her.
We have Otho.
- Are they still here?
- Otho, are they still here?
They're still here. They're just hiding out.
They probably feel guilty
about what they did to me.
They're sorry they didn't kill you.
I just want to see them.
Otho, can you do it?
- It'll be tricky, but I think I can handle it.
- No!
What am I worried about?
You can't even change a tire.
I'll be needing
something personal of theirs.
You'll have to go to the Goodwill.
Excuse me.
The wedding clothes.
The words:
"Hands vermilion
"Start of five
"Bright cotillion
"Raven's dive
"Nightshade's promise
"Spirits strive
"To the living,
let now the dead come alive"
Barbara?
"As sudden thunder pierces night
"As magic wonder mad affright
"Rives asunder man's delight
"Our ghost, our corpse
"And we rise to be"
Help!
Stop it!
"As flies the lizard
"Serpent fell
"As goblin vizard at the spell
"The buried, dead and slain rise again"
What's happening to them?
I don't know.
They're dying!
They're already dead.
They can't feel a thing.
- That's not true! Look at them!
- That's enough.
Can we stop this?
It's too late, Charles. I'm sorry.
Where are you? Help them, please.
Sure, I can help them.
But you've got to help me.
- What?
- I'm what you call an illegal alien.
I want out for good.
To do that, I've gotta get married.
These aren't my rules. Come to think of it,
I don't have any rules.
Come on.
Think of it as a marriage of inconvenience.
We both get something.
I get out. You get the most
eligible bachelor since Valentino.
- We're even.
- Okay, just help them.
Sure.
Beetlejuice.
It's show time.
Attention, K-Mart shoppers:
I'm back. I feel real good about myself.
You know what I mean? So...
...without further delay...
...welcome to Winter River!
Museum of Natural Greed!
A monument to the bored businessman.
Come a little closer.
Step right up! Test your strength.
Thank you.
Thank you! Whew!
That is why I won't do
two shows a night anymore, babe.
I won't do 'em.
Well, what have we got here tonight, kids?
We've got the Maitlands.
I think they've had enough exercise
for tonight.
Not so fast, Round Boy.
We're gonna have some laughs.
Mom, Dad:
I just want you two to know
you're welcome in our house...
...anytime you want to come over.
In the meantime, the dowry's on me, Dad.
The Maitlands are taken care of.
Everything seems to be back to normal.
Shall we?
Called the caterer. He's got a great band.
We're gonna need witnesses. Would you?
Let's get on with the ceremony.
Do you, Betel...
- Nobody says the "B" word.
- Do you take this woman...
...to be your wedded wife?
I don't know. It's a big decision.
I always said if I ever did it,
I was gonna do it only once.
Sure. Go ahead.
And do you, Lydia, take this man...
No! Betel...
She's a little nervous.
Maybe I should answer for her.
I'm Lydia Deetz and I'm of sound mind.
The man next to me is the one I want.
You asked me.
I'm answering.
Yes, I love that man of mine.
Come on.
Come on.
Betelgeu...
Scram!
Come on!
Hey, guy.
May we continue with the ceremony?
- Then by...
- Betelgeuse.
Strike!
Let's roll!
Then by the authority vested in me...
- The ring, please.
- The ring! Oh, no!
I've got it, honey.
Here it is. Here you go.
She meant nothing to me. Nothing at all!
- I now pronounce you...
- Yeah, come on.
Man and...
- What time is it?
- It's about 3:30.
Give or take a year.
Well?
Did you get the paints?
Yes. And I took pictures
of the new town hall for you, too.
How was the science test?
It was gross.
They wanted me to dissect a frog.
I told them "no way." I said it was
against my religion. I got a "C."
And the math test?
You're kidding me? We spent
the whole week studying for that test.
I got an "A."
So, can I?
I don't know.
Got a "C" on the science test.
Don't tease her.
You never got on "A" in science...
Come on.
Well...
...I suppose.
This reads like stereo instructions.
Sounds like Lydia got an "A"
on the math test.
He likes it.
Sorry. Didn't see you sitting there.
Women.
I don't know what her problem is.
Normally, chicks...
Pardon me. Did you do that?
Nice work.
How do you get them so small?
There goes Elvis! Yo, King!
Well, looks like I'm next.
Good thing. I've got to do a photo shoot
for G.Q. In an hour and a half.
They've been after me for months.
Some kind of underwear deal.
What are you doing? Stop it.
You're messing up my hair.
Come on! Whoa! Stop it!
This might be a good look for me.