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Before I Go to Sleep (2014)
Who are you?
I'm your husband. Ben. What? We got married in 1999. That's 14 years ago. Uh... Christine, you're 40. You had an accident. It was a bad accident. You had head injuries. And you have problems remembering things. What things? What... Everything. You store up information for a day and when you wake up in the morning, it's all gone, you're back to your early 20s. It'll be okay. Just... trust me. - I'm scared. - I know. I know, it's all right. I love you. I love you, Christine. We've been married for 14 years. We met during your last term at King's. You were doing an MA in History and we got married a couple of years after that. Wife have been perfectly happy with the registry office... ...but you wanted a white wedding. I hated every moment of it until I saw you walking down the aisle. Is every day like this? Is every day the same? That's just a list of everything you might need. And where you'll find it. Aspirin, first aid, sanitary towels, toiletries. Couple of things you're allergic to. And, uh... Well, it's a list of things to do. You like to keep busy. "Pack bag. " Today's our anniversary. I'm taking you away. - Tonight. After work. - Where? That's a surprise. A nice one. You'll understand when we get there, I promise. I love you, Christine. Christine? Yes? It's Dr Nasch. That'll mean nothing to you, I know, but don't worry. We've been doing some work on your memory. All right? Trying to figure out precisely what's caused your problem and whether there's anything we can do to fix it. Ben didn't say anything about this. I'm not certain that Ben knows. I don't understand. Christine, I want you to do something for me. I want you to open the wardrobe in your bedroom. Your wardrobe in the bedroom. We're looking for something. Hidden at the bottom of the wardrobe, at the back, in a drawer. - What am I looking for? - We're looking for a shoe box. - Can you see it? - No. The right-hand wardrobe nearest the bathroom. Have you found the camera, Christine? Yes. On the top, right-hand side of the camera is a power button. I want you to switch the camera on. Now I want you to hit the "play" button on the back of the camera. My name is Christine, Christine Lucas. I'm 40 years old and I'm an amnesiac. Tonight, as I sleep, my mind will erase everything, everything that I know today. Everything that I did today. And I will wake up tomorrow, like I did this morning, thinking that I have my whole life ahead of me. And the truth is... The truth is half my life is over. Oh, shit. He's coming. Admittedly, this isn't a run-of-the-mill doctor-patient relationship. Picking you up at home, driving you to my office. Seeing you without your husband's knowledge. Are you all right? I saw you in the park six months ago, quite by chance. You'd been referred to me by a colleague but I'd had absolutely no luck getting hold of you. In fact, I recognised you from your photograph in the file. I explained that I was a neuropsychologist and that I was preparing a paper on atypical psychogenic amnesia, and that I was prepared to treat you on a pro bono basis. You agreed to give me the telephone numbers you had written in your diary. I called you a few days later. You didn't remember meeting me, of course, but you did consent to see me again. Later that day you told me you'd mentioned the possibility of further treatment to Ben, who made it very clear to you you'd received extensive attention in the past and it had done nothing other than to upset you. After you. I want you to keep a visual diary. I've set the time and the date, I've put in the biggest memory chip I can find. It'll allow you to hold on to the previous day's memories. And even if the periods before and after the attack remain blank, at least this will bring some continuity... Attack? What attack? Ten years ago... you were found on an industrial estate not far from here. According to the medical report, your injuries were commensurate with repeated blows to the head. No. No, my husband said that I had an accident. I'm sure of it. I have a copy of the medical report here. Some newspaper articles. Mostly tabloid. There's very little information about the actual attack. "Left for dead"? Someone tried to kill me? Who? Who tried to kill me? No one knows. - What? - No one but you. I don't think Ben should know about the camera. It's your diary. I think it's important you don't feel... constrained by the thought of Ben checking up on your innermost thoughts and feelings. If I don't tell Ben, how will I know the camera even exists? You could hide it at the bottom of your wardrobe. At the back. I'll call you in the morning to remind you. Was that a yes or a no? I want to get well. You still wanna be just friends But how can we still be friends when seeing you... And there ain't nothing I can do about it My name... My name is Christine Lucas. I'm 40, 40 years old and I'm an amnesiac. Get out my life why don't ya, babe? Tonight, as I sleep, my mind will erase everything I know, everything I did today. And I will wake up tomorrow... And the truth is half my life is over. And I... Oh, shit. He's coming. Christine? We've been married for 14 years. We met during your last term at King's. You were doing an MA in History. We got married a couple of years after that. I still teach at a school round the corner. I'm the head of the chemistry department. What do I do? You stay at home. What, I don't do anything? I don't... I don't study? I don't work from home? I just sit around all day? You store up information for a day. And when you wake up in the morning, it's all gone. You're back to your early 20s, Chris. And tonight, as I sleep, my mind... My mind will erase everything that I know, everything that I did today. And I will wake up tomorrow, like I did this morning, thinking that I have my whole life ahead of me. God, without this, I would believe anything that he says. Anything. That you had a car accident? I wonder what else he lies about? If we want to keep this between ourselves, I can't risk calling on the house phone when Ben's home. Why is he hiding the attack? Perhaps it's just easier. - God! - Sorry. I wish I wasn't so frightened all of the time. Do you really think this is a good idea? There are plenty of case histories of patients going back to where they suffered trauma. Actually, it's very rarely effective. So why are we doing it? We're building trust. Hang on a minute. - Mr Nancarrow? - Yeah. I'm Dr Nasch, we spoke on the phone. Dr Nasch, yeah. I'll have to call you back. Careful. Got quite a fright when I first saw you. Here, just down here. That's where I found you. Would you describe exactly what you saw? I don't know, it was a long time ago. Well, just tell us what you remember. Wife just come off shift. Miss Lucas was naked. - Naked? - Apart from a sheet. A bed sheet or a plastic sheet? Wife have said if it was plastic. Where did I come from? You couldn't remember. You were very confused. There was blood. My blood? Where? Everywhere. What was I doing by the airport? Well, there are a lot of hotels in the area. Dozens. Hotels? It would explain the bed sheet. I live here. Why would I be staying in a hotel? All sorts of reasons. The medical examination indicated recent sexual intercourse. There was no trace of semen or anything to help the police identify the man you slept with. Was I raped? The police report suggested not. I'm married. I don't think I would be the kind of person who would cheat on my husband. How do you know? Whatever happened that night, whatever I've done, I have to remember. I know I do. I have to, for us. For us. Chris? No. No! Christine, could you open your eyes, please? We're going to show you some pictures. And I want you to look at each one and tell yourself what or who it is. Go ahead. Are you okay? Some of the photographs were taken from random, others from your file. This caused distinct neural excitation. Who is she? Did I have a friend? Of course. You had a lot. You were very popular. With red hair? - Not that I recall. - Called Claire. Claire? It doesn't ring a bell. Why? You're absolutely certain? Well, I mean, it's possible. You had a lot of friends. Why? It's just, I, uh... I had a memory. A memory? Wife, well, sort of. I guess. That's great. What kind of memory? Claire. She had red hair. She was a friend. A good friend, I think. Well, I mean... I suppose you might have done, once. Years ago. Claire... There might have been a Claire. A friend from college. There was a girl you were close to. I mean, she might have been called Claire. So what happened to her? What? This isn't the first time you've remembered Claire. I don't understand. It's not something we talk about. Why not? You drifted apart. Why? A couple of years after your accident, she moved away. - Where to? - Canada, I think. You think? Truth is it didn't really matter to you where she went. You couldn't remember her from one day to... It matters. It matters now. Don't say I didn't warn you. I keep them in my study. You hide them? They upset you. You hide a piece of my past from me? - To protect you. - From what? She couldn't handle it, Chris. She couldn't handle knowing that 15 minutes after she left, you had no idea she even existed. After a while, she stopped calling or even... - She wasn't the only one, Chris. - How can I trust you if you lie to me? I live with you. With this. Sometimes, when the truth is painful or complicated, I don't always have the strength. Usually I do, but not always. I'm sorry. - So, what, you edit my life? - This isn't just about you! Sometimes this is a question of what I can handle and I can't always handle everything! Not every day. Sometimes we both need a day off. He's keeping Claire from you. He says he's protecting you but he... Don't trust him. Don't trust Ben. - Hello? - Christine? Hello, it's Dr Nasch. You won't remember me, but we've been meeting almost every day for the last few weeks... A camera... It's in a shoe box somewhere on the bottom shelf of the cupboard nearest the bathroom. He's keeping Claire from you. He says he's protecting... Claire... He's keeping Claire... He says he's protecting you, but he's keeping Claire from you. Don't trust Ben. Bastard. Are you all right? I'm pregnant. "When you wake up in the morning, Pooh, "what's the first thing you say to yourself?" "'What's for breakfast?' What do you say, Piglet?" "I say, 'I wonder what's going to happen exciting today?"' - We have a child. - Chris... We have a child, a little boy, don't we? Don't we? Where is he? - Come inside. Come inside. - No. Where is he? I can't talk to you standing in the rain. Why are you hiding him from me? Where is my son? - I'm not hiding. Come inside, please. - Where is he? - Would you just come inside now... - No, I'm not coming inside! Come here... Come here. Come here and I'll tell you, I'll tell you. - Come here. - Where... He died. We have a son but he's dead. He died. - No! - He died. Please. No! Chris... Chris, here. Come on. How? Meningitis. How old? Eight. Adam died about three weeks before his ninth birthday. I keep these in the garage for safety. There are some things it wouldn't be good for you to stumble on when you're by yourself, Christine. Some things it's better I explain to you. This is Adam as a baby. That's my baby? Adam. He would have been about three months old there. - When was he born? - August 4th, 1999. Adam. Adam Thomas Lucas. Beautiful. "I am sick, please come home. " Where was I? In and out of hospitals. - Chris. - No. I can't do it. I can't do this, I'm so sorry. Ben's been through all this before. His grief isn't new. But it's new for me. And it'll be new tomorrow. And it'll be new the next day and it'll be new the next day and the next, and the next and every day. Every day for the rest of my life. No! His grief isn't new. Mine is. Mine is. This isn't new for him. His grief isn't new. Mine is. Mine is. And it'll be new tomorrow. And it'll be new the next day and it'll be new the next day and the next and the next and every day. Every day for the rest of my life. - Did you know about Adam? - We've spoken about Adam. Maybe Ben's right. Maybe it's better I don't know. Can we just sit here a while? Of course. Should I tell Ben? About us? About the therapy? Was I a good mother? I mean, before the injury. You were a wonderful mother. It must have been awful for him, me not knowing who he was. You loved Adam very much. I understand why you would hide this from me, I do. And you've probably lived through this more times than you can bear. And I understand there must be days when you say, "I can't, I can't go through this again. " But if you care about this marriage, and I have to assume you do, never try to hide my son from me again. I'm sorry. Adam? Mike. Good morning, Christine. It's Dr Nasch. I'm a neuropsychologist at University College, London, and I've been calling you every morning to remind you to look for the camera hidden in the back of your wardrobe. You've been keeping a video diary... Get ready, then I can come and pick you up from home. Mike. What? I'm not sure but I think that's his name. Whose name? The man who did this to me. Come here. Come on. Come here, come on. It's okay. It's okay. You're the only one who makes me feel good. I want you to feel good. Christine, I'm sorry. Christine, my name is Dr Nasch. - I know. - How do you feel? Shitty. I only administered a mild sedative. Just something to calm you down, not put you to sleep. - I remember. - You were confused. We call it confabulation, your imagination filling in the gaps in your memory, turning me into the man who did this to you. Do you understand? Ah... - I want to talk to Ben. - No. No, I just found something out and I need to talk to you about it face-to-face. Christine... It's about Ben. Who were you talking to? When? When I called earlier. It went straight to voicemail. Oh, I was trying to call you. My name is Christine, Christine Lucas. I'm 40 years old and I'm an amnesiac. Tonight, as I sleep, my mind will erase everything... This isn't new for him. His grief isn't new. Mine is. You're vulnerable. Vulnerable patients often develop feelings for their psychiatrists. It's common. What's less common nowadays is when those feelings are reciprocated. We call it counter-transference. It's unprofessional. Completely unprofessional. On my video, I say that you're my only hope. I'm referring you to an excellent neuropsychiatrist at St Thomas's. I say that we're making progress. Christine, I can't go on treating you. It wouldn't be ethical. - Please. - Christine. She works out of the university department at King's College. - She's very good. - I don't want her. I want you. You're fixing me. When I called you this morning, you'd already watched your video diary. You remembered. Yes. Yes! Unfortunately, what you remember one day you may not necessarily remember the next. Even the most significant things. What things? Ben had you transferred from the psychiatric hospital in 2007 to an adult community care centre. I rang the administrator the other day to arrange a visit. It seems your friend Claire has been trying to get in touch. This is her number. The administrator asked how you were and I told her. She became extremely confused. Why? Well, according to her records, Ben divorced you four years ago. Hi, you've reached Claire. Leave a message. Claire, it's, uh... It's Christine Lucas. Um, I really need to talk to you. Can you call me, please? My number is, uh, zero... - We're divorced, aren't we? - Who told you? Who told me? No one. I'm remembering things. - Really? - Yes. - You sure? - Yes. - You're remembering an awful lot lately. - Stay away. Just tell me the fucking truth. Why did you divorce me? - Why did you divorce me? - You want the truth? - Yes. - I'll tell you the truth! We had a little boy. And he got very sick very suddenly and we lost him. I walked away. I was in bits. I came back and I'm here. I'll never leave you, Chris. Never. I'm sorry. Hello? Chrissy? Claire? Oh, my God, Chrissy, darling, is that really you? Yes, it's me. You call me Chrissy. I kept ringing the care centre. Did they tell you? They gave me your old address and all my letters were returned. Every day, every single day, I've been waiting for this phone to ring, hoping it might be you. They, um... They told me that you moved away. - Moved away? - Yes. - Whatever gave you that idea? - Um... Oh, my God, Chrissy. I've missed you so much. - Oh... - How are you? Um... Well, I can't remember a fucking thing but otherwise I'm fine. - Where are you? - Um... I'm at home. I'm with Ben. And I really need to see you. Can I see you? Yeah. Um... I'd rather not come to you, Chris. Why? It's difficult to explain over a phone... How about we meet at the Observatory? Um... - The Observe... - Ln Greenwich. I could be there in an hour. Will you be okay? Yes, I'm fine and I'll be there. Chrissy? Chrissy, darling, it's me, Claire. Claire. Oh... I remember you. Yeah? Oh... I've missed you, I've missed you, I've missed you! I remember you. I've missed you so much. Oh... This is amazing. Was I a good mother? Oh, Chrissy. Nobody was more loved than Adam. Ben used to rush home from work just to see his little boy. Adam was so like him at that age. Even then he was just as handsome as his daddy. Who did this to me? Things were tough. You were juggling looking after Adam and starting a new teaching job. You and Ben were arguing a lot. I said I'd look after Adam two afternoons a week. After a month or so back at work, you seemed to get better, you... You even started dressing differently. I didn't realise what it was at the time. I met someone? I asked you. You denied it at first but you knew I wasn't stupid. We had an argument. Eventually, you told me the truth. I didn't tell you his name? You wouldn't give me any details about him. Did Ben know? Not until the police found you. Oh, Jesus. Oh, poor Ben. I had to tell him, Chrissy. Wife already told the police. I had no choice. No wonder he keeps lying to me. Well, that's Ben. - Protecting you. - Maybe. Or maybe he thinks we just can't come to terms with the truth. I mean, he still lies to me about the attack and he never talks to me about you. Well... There's a reason why he doesn't talk about me to you. Why? After your accident, I tried to help out. You can imagine how hard it was for Ben looking after Adam. I did what I could. We spent a lot of time together. One day, after visiting you, he just... collapsed. He said he couldn't go on any more. I... I put my arms around him. We got carried away. It only happened once. I felt so bad. We both felt so bad. I decided I owed it to both of you to stay away so I just... disappeared. I'm so sorry. Well, you can hardly blame us, Christine, after your affair. You don't know how lucky you are. You have never known how lucky you are to have Ben. - I have to go. - Oh, Chrissy... - Ben will be home soon and... - Please. - He'll worry if I'm not there. - Look, just wait. Ben sent this to me shortly before you separated. He asked me to give it to you if you were ever well enough to read it. I'm so glad that you are. I don't expect you to believe me but I care about you, Christine. A lot. It's all right. "My darling Christine, "I can't bear to say the words "but I have decided to leave you. "I've tried so hard to find another way, Chris. "Please believe me. "You loved Adam, "even if you couldn't consciously remember him. "He would run into your arms and you would pick him up "and for a while, you sensed who he was. "Then you started to believe "that Adam had been taken away from you when he was a baby. "Every time you saw him, you thought it was for the first time. "Wife ask him to tell you when he last saw you, and he'd say, "'Yesterday, Mummy. ' "But you wouldn't believe him. "One day you attacked me, grabbed Adam and ran. "He started screaming. "Later, I tried to explain but he didn't understand. "He became frightened to come and see you. "I left it a few days and then called to find out how you were. "They said you were happy. "When I asked them if you remembered us, "they said no. "I love you so much, Chris. "I love you more than I love anything or anyone in this world. "But our son is only eight years old. "He's desperately unhappy, Chris. "And I just can't put him through that kind of trauma again. "I want you both to be happy, "even if you can only find that happiness without us. "Forgive me. Ben. " I forgive you. Can you forgive me? You're my lover. You're my protector. And my life is nothing, nothing without you. By the time you see this, you will know everything. And you will know that there is nothing inside me for you now but love. And the hope that we can finally find a way to truly be together. Hello? Chris? I forgive you. Can you forgive me? You're my lover. You're my protector. You're my... You're my everything. So by the time you see this, you will know everything. You will know that there... No, I want you to watch it from the beginning. What do you mean, "you will know everything"? I've been seeing a doctor, Dr Nasch. For a few weeks. He gave me the camera. He's been calling me every morning to remind me. Why would you do that? To hold on to my memories. No, I mean, why would you keep it a secret? Because I wasn't sure if I could trust you. - I know now I can. - Are you having an affair? No. I know how much I hurt you. I know what it's taken for you to forgive me and I... I understand why you left. I understand everything now. Ben... You're so good to me. I love you. I love you so... He did what? Let me talk to him. He, uh... He left. I'm going to call him. I don't think that's a good idea. Look, I love you both. God. I'll call you right back. Ben hit me. I, um... told him everything and he hit me. And nothing can alter that, so... Ah... - Hello? - I spoke to Ben. He says he's been living alone, Chris. What? Ben says he hasn't seen you for four years. Christine, describe Ben to me. - What? - Describe Ben to me. What does he look like? Is he tall? Yes. Black hair? No. No, he has brown hair. Does he have a scar? - A scar? - Yeah. He had a skiing accident. He should have a scar across the right side of his face. Chrissy? No. No, he doesn't. Ben doesn't have a scar. The man you're living with, I don't know who he is, Christine. But it's not Ben! Help me. I need your address, Christine. I need to know where you're living. I can't... I can't remember. I'll be right out. Find out quickly and I'll call you back on your mobile. Who are you? I'm your husband. Ben. - Christine? - Yes? It's Dr Nasch. That'll mean nothing to you, I know... We've been doing some work on your memory. Trying to figure out precisely what... Have you found the camera, Christine? Yes. Watch it and I'll call you back. You're my lover. You're my protector. My life is nothing without you. By the time you see this, you will know everything and you will know that there is nothing inside me for you now but love. And the hope that we can finally find a way to truly be together. Hello? Christine, it's me. Is everything okay? Everything's fine. Ben? Sorry, yes, I heard. I'm in traffic. Just wanted to make sure you remembered to pack for our anniversary. To pack? - I wrote it on the board in the kitchen. - Yes, I remember. Ben... I love you. I love you, too, Christine. Dr Nasch, please come to main reception. Dr Nasch, please come to main reception. Dr Nasch? Can I help you? I'm Ben Lucas. Oh, Mr Lucas. How's Christine? How is she? Stay the fuck away from my wife. - Is this really our anniversary? - Yes. Our wedding anniversary? No. It's a different kind of anniversary. Why have you brought me here? I want you to remember. Oh, Mike, I can't do this, I can't. I'm married. Oh, Mike, I can't. How about this? Mike? Where's Ben? Ben left you. I didn't. I stayed close by. Watching over you. Protecting you. - Protecting me? - Wife. While your so-called husband left you to rot in a care home, I watched you wither and die, day by day. I couldn't stand it any longer. I had to get you out of there. They let you take me home? False documents and a fake smile. I got you out in half an hour. Do you honestly think I'd have got away with this if anyone else gave a shit about you, Christine? You know, this whole Ben charade wasn't the point. The point... was to care for you. Was to look after you. Was to love you. I honestly meant to tell you the truth but you were so distraught and then... then the lie just got bigger and bigger... You know what? I'm sick of explaining. And I'm tired of lying. That's why I brought you here. To put an end to this. We're going to leave here, not as Christine and Ben but as Christine and Mike. I can't keep doing this. Well, call Ben and tell him the truth. - No. - Tell him. Don't be ridiculous. I can't do that. Then I will. If I were Ben, I'd want to know. Don't be a prick, Mike. You did this. No. No! No! What did you expect me to do? I tried talking to you, you wouldn't listen. Wife never hurt you. I hate myself for what happened. It's all right. Please don't leave. I'm scared. Don't leave. Go. Go, then. Thank you. What did you have to go and do that for? You see, this is what I'm talking about. This is what happens! - God, I'm sorry. - And will you stop fucking apologising! I just don't want to be Ben any more. Nothing... I've nothing to live for except for you. Understand? Please let me go. No, we leave together or we don't leave at all. Now... No more guilt. No more grief. No more battles to fight. Now... You're free. Come here. Come on. Come. Here. Come here. Kiss me. Again. Forget Ben. He's forgotten you. You must forget Adam. He's forgotten you. Adam's forgotten you. Adam? My son is alive? Ah! We leave together or we don't leave at all. Do you understand me? Let me go, please. Let me go. Ah! My name is Christine Lucas. I'm 40 years old and I'm an amnesiac. Tonight, as I sleep, my mind will erase everything that I know, everything that I did today. And I will wake up tomorrow like I did this morning, thinking that I have my whole life ahead of me. And the truth is, the truth is I will never let anyone take my life from me again. And I will not wake up tomorrow thinking that my son is dead. I will not. Christine? Christine, my name is Dr Nasch. I'm a neuropsychologist. I treated you for several weeks. But I'm not here today as your doctor, I'm here as a friend. You have two cracked ribs, mild concussion, so you'll need someone to keep an eye on you but you're going to be fine. Your friend Claire is coming by this afternoon to pick you up, to take you home with her. Do you remember Claire? Red hair. That's very good. And you're safe now. The man that did this to you is in police custody. He's going to be in prison for a very long time. Can you recall anything at all about last night? Christine, I've brought you a visitor. I'm hoping this may be the breakthrough we've been looking for. That gentleman is Ben. You were married but you've been apart for four years. She's awake. Thank you. Christine. It's Ben. Your Ben. If I'd have known you were in any kind of danger, I'd never have stayed away. I had to. For Adam's sake. He's our son, Chris. And he loves you very much. We both do. Hi. I'm Adam. Adam. "When... "When you wake up in the morning, Pooh, "what's the first thing you say to yourself?" "I say... "'What's for breakfast?' "What do you say, Piglet?" "I say... I say... "'I wonder what's going to happen exciting today?"' You remembered. Oh... Adam. I remember. Adam. My Adam. |
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