1
I am so fucked.
I make one stupid bet with a
sociopathic Lithuanian kid
and now my best friend's in
jail, my dad is a fugitive,
they found a dead body
in my mom's trunk,
the love of my life thinks
I'm the Antichrist,
and I have crabs.
But most shockingly...
Mom?
She wouldn't have gone anywhere.
We're fully stocked.
Mom? Mom?
Holy... shit.
Is that a letter to her dog?
911. What's your emergency?
Yes, I'd like to
order an ambulance.
- Location, please?
- 844 Marx Avenue.
Oh, hey, Rick.
Rick? Rick?
I'm selling raffle tickets
to the Policemen's Ball.
Is your mother home?
Yes, but I think she's dead.
- Step down, and...
- Got it.
Alright, everybody, calm down! OK?
This is a crime scene.
Hold up one second.
Let me get a picture
of this real quick.
It's just a potential homicide.
We better hurry in case
she's an organ donor.
Don't make me hurt you.
What is the victim's name?
Lucy Rebecca Stevens.
- Date of birth?
- Uh, March something.
- Old.
- Old. Education?
My mom's deep-throating
a breathing tube
and you wanna know how
far in college she got?
Listen, we have a potential
homicide investigation here.
A homicide? How do you explain
the myriad of suicide notes?
- You can't have those.
- That one's addressed to me.
- They're evidence.
- That one's addressed to me.
Only if you let me
look at it first.
Now keep back.
What does 'opprobrious' mean?
It means abusive or malevolent.
Well, you're opprobrious,
and you've been fucking
her best friend.
How did she find out?
If Mom knows, who else?
Billy would be pissed that
I was ploughing his mom,
not to mention how his
dad, her husband,
the ex-college football
player turned Neo-Nazi,
sporting goods salesman
who does a very good business
in shotguns might feel.
More importantly, what if
Nina Pennington finds out?
Enough about me, I wanna
see what this one says.
- Now we'll hang on to these.
- Yeah, fine, fine.
Until after our
investigation is complete.
Alright.
Oh, uh, about those raffle tickets?
It was Mrs Bender. The
nut job told her.
Of course, she left
out how it happened.
I had no choice. It's kind of...
It's kind of embarrassing,
but here's how the
whole thing went down.
I wager $1,000.
Two weeks ago, I wasn't fucked.
- You know Josh Groban?
- Not even close.
Truth was, I had never had sex
with anyone other than myself,
but this was the year I
was gonna change that.
I had fallen in love and her
name was Nina Pennington.
You forgot to put
the seat down, fag.
It wasn't me. It was... it was Mom.
Oh, for the love of
little baby Jesus,
would you close those
goddamn drapes?
Some people's moms look
at the glass half full.
Other moms look at it half empty.
Mine looks at it and asks
if you're gonna finish it.
Mom, did you leave
the toilet seat up?
Sorry?
Where's your father?
Uh... he moved out again.
Right. Sonofabitch.
You watch, I'm gonna
divorce him this time.
Where were you last
night until 3am, madam?
Uh, feeding the homeless.
- Aww.
- Why do you always believe her?
When I said I was giving blood,
you told me I was full of
shit and grounded me.
You didn't have any track marks
and watch your fucking mouth.
And I got straight A's in school.
And she got straight A's.
Have you heard from Agent...?
Stanford, and no, I haven't
heard anything yet,
but it should be any day now.
You're a stripper, Kristen.
With all the tips you make, why
do you even need a degree?
Because I'm trying
to better myself.
Why can't you be more
like your sister?
Why would I want to be a skanky ho?
- Mom, kill him.
- Can I?
OK, so the whole thing
started Saturday...
Joseph Stevens, my sperm donor.
He stayed married to my mom
because he couldn't
afford a divorce.
If that isn't love,
I don't know what is.
- What are you up to, mister?
- Nothing.
- You are grounded.
- No.
Unless you do me one little favour.
And here I thought you came for
some quality father-son time.
Remember that video camera
I borrowed last week?
Oh, yeah, video camera,
to videotape that sales
pitch with your secretary.
Sales pitch. Oh, yeah,
yeah, sales pitch.
Anyhow, I think I
left a tape in it.
- Your mother didn't, uh...?
- Mom operate video equipment?
She has a hard enough
time with the doorknob.
- How is your mother?
- Do you honestly care, Joseph?
- Not really, no.
- Steven.
- Joseph wants his tape back.
- Twat.
Thank you.
And, the next time you borrow
the camera for a sales pitch,
try not to leave any...
residue on the tripod.
You are so grounded, mister.
Grounded.
OK, so the whole thing started
on Saturday, April 14.
Unfortunately, this is
pretty much a true story.
The names have not been changed
to protect the innocent,
because, well, everyone in this
story is guilty of something.
Speaking of guilty,
I was running errands
for Jimmy Leach.
He manages the club where
my sister, Kristen, strips.
Yo, pussy!
He also manages to be a total tool.
I mean, look at that 'stache.
Gotta be a registered sex offender.
I need you to go find
Cherysh. She's MIA again.
He didn't pay shit
but I could think
of worse ways to spend the day.
Are you still fucking here?
'Bye, Tanya.
Fuck off! Mmm. What day is it?
It's Saturday.
OK, uh... I will
give you a blow job
if you tell him I had to
get my stomach pumped.
Huh?
Hm.
I'm more a grower than a shower.
Well, maybe this will
put you more at ease.
OK, I know this is kind
of bad, but... again.
Again.
Less work for me.
Then I could make
it safe and clean
Doo-doo doo-doo doo-doo
Oh...
Billy, open up,
it's Rick. Hey, Billy!
Ricky.
Don't let the attractive
exterior fool you.
She's dangerous.
Now, I don't like to point fingers,
but everything was
pretty much her fault.
Well, except for the dead people.
- Hi.
- Hi, Mrs Bender.
- How are you?
- Good.
Is Billy home?
Yeah, he's probably
upstairs, you know...
- OK.
- Hey, stay on the runner!
Hey, Billy, guess what.
Billy Bender... after he
flunked homeschool twice,
the state made his parents
send him to a real school.
Didn't help.
Oh, Rick, I thought
you were my mom.
Dude, it's called a lock.
Oh, my god.
Ah.
Could you pass me a tissue?
Thanks.
No. No.
- Dude, guess what.
- What?
- I kind of got a blow job today.
- Shut up! From who?
- A girl down at the club.
- A stripper?
You better hope she
doesn't have AIDS.
You really know how
to ruin a moment.
I'm just saying. I saw
this documentary...
Or maybe it was a movie?
Anyway, it was called 'Rent',
and everyone in it had
AIDS, and it sucked, Rick.
- The movie or the disease?
- The movie.
Mom!
You boys are still here.
Billy, I was wondering if you
could go down to the store
and buy Momma some cigarettes.
- Now?
- No, next Thursday.
Now. Go.
There's money in my purse, OK?
Oh, Ricky, I was wondering if
you could stay and help me
with something in the thing.
He really has come in
handy since he turned 18.
Can't wait until he turns 21.
So... you had an eventful day.
No more than usual, no.
Billy told me you got a blow job.
How? I literally just told him.
Well, the point is that I know.
I don't know what
you're talking about.
Like, I said, "Kinda
got the blow job."
Rick, your mom, my best friend,
is going to find out if you
keep gallivanting around
with these... these hookers.
We're gonna have to come up
with some way to fix this.
Could we just keep it a secret?
Yeah, that's a good idea.
Good.
OK. Was she good at it, at least?
Uh... I think so.
It's just so good that you
came out of your comfort zone.
- It's, uh...
- Yeah.
It's very important to...
try new things.
OK.
And I just think that if you do,
you need to experience them
in a, uh, safe environment.
Whoa, Mrs Bender. Are you
trying to seduce me?
No. My God, no, no, no, no.
OK, I just thought that you were...
No, I... I wanna be your teacher.
Yeah, I'm going to help you
gain much needed experience.
Do you have a girlfriend?
Yes. No. Girlfriend?
Well, one day you will, and you
owe it to her to be ready.
- Sure.
- OK.
Come here.
Mmm. Does that feel good?
It feels good. It
feels really good.
You just raise your hand
if you have any questions.
My God. It's also really nice
to pay attention to the girls.
- To the what?
- The girls.
Yeah. Gentle.
Mmm... that's nice.
Mmm. I like that.
- Uh, Mrs Bender?
- Mm-hm?
I can't breathe.
Oh, it's OK, I'll
breathe for both of us.
Sometimes you look at
your life and say,
"I'm doing the best I can."
Other times, you have to
look at your life and say,
"I just fucked my
best friend's mom."
But as I lay here the morning
after losing my virginity,
all I could think about was what
everyone would say if they knew.
You devil's spawn.
Nice one, son.
I want to see photos.
Does her pussy taste
like Seagram's?
No, I mean, it makes sense.
I mean, you guys hang
out, like, all the ti...
Oh, my God, his mom?
Jesus fucking Christ!
You're a mother-fucker,
Rick Stevens.
I will never be your girlfriend.
Nina can't find out.
I'm gonna ask Nina Pennington out.
Right... you've had a boner for
her since the sixth grade.
She still doesn't
even know you exist.
Now's a good time to change that.
Doesn't change the fact she's
still dating Kevin Carpenter.
- Well, hello, gentlemen.
- Holy shit!
OK, I should probably
stop for a second
and give you the down-low
on Junior Dahmer here.
AW, fuck it.
- Hey, Karlis.
- So Nina Pennington, huh?
She is pretty, isn't she?
Don't you think you're setting
your sights a bit high there?
No. I mean, why not? I'm not
missing a toe or anything.
I like your bravado. It's cute.
Tell you what, what say I make
things a bit more interesting.
- Huh! Yeah, sure.
- Good.
I wager $1,000 that
you will not be able
to sign, seal and deliver
Nina Pennington.
Nobody's delivering
Nina Pennington.
- Sure I can.
- Fine.
- Fine.
- By Arbor Day.
Thanks for that unsolicited
stipulation, Billy.
So, two weeks. Is that a problem?
Nope.
Shake it, Rick. It's
creeping me out.
Oh, shit.
You made a bet with
a mobster's son.
Uh, a freshman just
got hit by a bus.
- Oh, whoa.
- Again? Cool.
Goddamn it. 1,000 bucks.
I'm a dead man.
- What the fuck?
- Relax.
- You're having a holy vision.
- Who are you?
Saint Lola's the name. I'm the
patron saint of teenagers.
Don't bother looking me up
in the book of saints...
I'm unlisted.
A saint? What are you doing
in the boys' bathroom?
Old habits die hard.
You kind of look like my mother,
except with a camel toe.
I get that a lot.
Wait a minute, am I being punked?
You're being poped.
I'm here to help.
You're gonna help me score
with Nina Pennington?
It's not quite that easy.
The things we wish for
are rarely the things
we need, Rick.
So you're not gonna grant my wish.
I'm not a fucking genie.
I'm a saint.
I'm here to make the
path a little clearer,
so you can make the right choices.
What the fuck?
Look for the signs.
Attention, students...
this week's Drama Club
production of 'Pippin'
has been cancelled.
Kevin Carpenter,
the biggest fucking
asshole in the world,
and Nina Pennington's
current boyfriend.
We had every reason to hate him
after what happened last spring.
Billy passed out at
Greg Drubin's party
and woke up the next morning
with a condom up his ass
and fear in his eye.
Kevin waited a week to tell him
that it was a broom handle
that took his butt cherry.
We are through.
Bitch!
A sign. Saint Lola was right.
- Wait. Saint who?
- It's a sign from God.
God wants me to be
with Nina Pennington,
in every possible position.
I've graded your exams
and will be returning them
to you at the end of class.
However, I doubt if
you'll want them.
Miss Pennington got the only A.
- Yes, was it an A-plus?
- No.
And now who amongst us can
conjugate the verb 'vivo'?
What's a verb?
- Mr Stevens.
- Ah...
Ah, OK, the conjugation of vivo.
Uh, I believe that would
be 'vi', 'vive', V-V-V...
Well, that was viv-awful.
The correct conjugation
of the verb 'vivo' is...
Strike one.
..vivo, vivere, vixi...
Victum...
Principal Poole cancelled
classes that afternoon
so we could each mourn
Mr Apgar in our own way.
- Perfect timing.
- Huh?
Attention, all students.
All girls basketball players...
- Hi.
- Hi.
Hi, I'm Rick Stevens from...
The slow kid from
Latin class, I know.
Uh, yeah. Congratulations on the A.
Thank you. Hopefully I'll
do better next time.
I was just wondering
if you needed a ride
to Mr Apgar's funeral.
- You're going?
- He was like a father to me.
I'm deep in grief
and shit right now.
Who said that you could talk
to my girlfriend, douche bag?
I'm not your girlfriend, Kevin.
We always get back together.
- You know that.
- Not this time.
Rick was just asking if
I would accompany him
to Mr Apgar's funeral,
and I said yes.
Really? Well, a funeral is a
perfect place for you to be.
'Cause you're a dead man.
- Kevin...
- Fuck!
So is that a yes?
What? What?
What? Nothing. Nothing.
OK. 'Bye.
I'm in.
You're dead.
I wasn't dead, not yet, but our
first date was at a funeral.
In retrospect, that might not
have been one of my best ideas.
That was a lovely service.
Is it just me or did he
look more alive dead?
From a higher window...
- Ew.
- I love this song.
Me too.
My parents don't like me listening
to a lot of pop stations,
due to all the satanic lyrics.
But Mindy has a CD. When I go
to her house, I listen to it.
I think he's so dreamy.
And before I could stop myself...
When he's in town,
I go to his concert
and hang with him backstage.
Wait, you know Josh Groban?
Yeah, we're pretty tight.
Then you must be going to
his show tomorrow night.
Yes, of course. Ha! Yeah.
I'd love to take you,
but I know your parents
wouldn't let you go, so...
Actually, my parents went to
Omaha for the world premiere
of 'Christ on Ice',
starring Johnny Weir,
and they're gone till Monday,
so they'd never know.
Great. Great.
- Strike two.
- This is so sensational.
Uh-huh.
I mean, it would really help me
take my mind off things, you know?
- Nina, are you alright?
- Your mom's gonna kill you.
You better get their
insurance information.
Oh, Rick. I'm stuck.
What the fuck, dude?
Hey! Seriously?
I said bitch I'mma fuck you up
Get the fuck out my face
I'mma show you what the deal is
Bitch, mother-fucker...
This totally reminds me of a
German porno I downloaded.
Father Krumins?
Richard. Oh, I am so sorry
about this slight mishap.
Shouldn't we call the police?
Miss Pennington, please
thank your mother again
for hosting such a splendid
bingo night last week.
I mean, her devilled eggs
were absolutely sinful.
Shouldn't we call the police?
I don't think that's necessary.
I mean, if you don't mind,
I'd rather not report it.
I'd hate for both our
premiums to go up.
Plus, these sisters have
taken a vow of silence,
so the fewer the questions
to answer the better.
Don't worry, the archdiocese
will take care of everything.
Peace out. Sisters? Better hurry.
Should we call the police? Pfft.
We pay you good money
to run this place.
That is the best you can do?
They look like they have
full-blown hepatitis.
It's the morning shift.
I mean, I'm working on putting
a breakfast buffet in here
that will blow your
fucking mind, Vitolda.
I'm talking about eggs and
bacon, whipped cream,
sausage and a lap
dance, all in, $12.99.
You girls suck!
How many times have I told you,
you won't draw a crowd if
you don't draw a bath.
You make me sick. Get in
the shower. You, you're fired!
- I don't work here.
- Wanna go out for some Korean barbecue?
Ugh, oh, God.
Cops have been on our ass,
so business has been down.
That means receipts here
better go up, Jimbo,
or you're gonna be out of a job.
And probably a leg.
Jimmy? Hey, Jimmy. Jimmy,
I need to ask you a favour.
- Jimmy.
- Fuck off, will you?
I need to talk to your
friend at the Paramount.
- For what?
- I need backstage passes.
For Josh Groban's concert tomorrow.
Well, I really need Britney
Spears to lick my balls.
No, wait, that wasn't it.
Well, I need J.Lo to stick
her finger up my ass.
No, that was my dad.
You know what I need? I need
my poop chute bleached.
- That's it.
- What? Look, I'll do anything.
Anything?
Seems Jimmy had a date too,
and he needed some ecstasy.
The dealer was running a
buy-20, get-5-free sale,
so I pocketed the extra pills.
I don't want you getting
the wrong idea about me,
but nowhere in the
Bible does it say,
"Thou shalt not take ecstasy."
That's true.
With Lucy's car being
fixed by the archdiocese,
I needed wheels to get
to Josh Graham's show.
I can't believe I just said that.
Mmm. Mmm.
Mrs Bender, I'm gonna
need to ask you a favour.
Anything. Anything at all.
I'm gonna need to borrow your car.
My car? Where are we going?
I have to follow my
dad to catch him
with his mistress for
my mom's lawyer.
Only I can't have my mom find out,
because she's liable to
do something violent.
- You know how she is.
- Oh, yeah.
Sure, that's very sweet of you.
Yeah?
Thanks, I really appreciate it.
You want to show me how
much you appreciate it?
Well, I'd better be going.
If you want the car...
Meow.
Jesus, you scared
the hell out of me.
That's the idea.
What are you doing here?
If it's about the ecstasy...
Relax, nowhere in the
Bible does it say,
"Thou shalt not take ecstasy."
- I'm more concerned with lying.
- But I really needed the car.
The betting, the adultery,
the not honouring thy
mother and father.
OK, I get it. I get it.
You're in quite the
pickle, aren't you?
On the one hand, if you do manage
to get Nina to succumb
to your advances,
you'll have to deal
with her delusional ex
with the rage issues.
On the other hand,
if she spurns you,
well, do you even have 1,000 bucks?
You're not helping me here.
Shouldn't you be telling me
how I should win her heart?
Things are never that easy, Rick.
Don't rush where you're going.
Otherwise you may never arrive.
Oh, and one more thing.
I know, the stealing.
No.
I'm going to Ibiza on holiday,
so you're on your own for a while.
Don't screw it up. Oh, and
look out for the Lithuanians.
- I'm redecorating.
- I can see that.
It's better, huh? More cheery.
- Yeah, sure.
- Oh, where's my car?
Uh, Steven has it.
As long as your asshole
father doesn't.
- You watch, this time...
- You're gonna divorce him?
You betcha I am. Fat fuck.
Mrs Bender? Mrs Bender?
Oh... Uh, hey, Mr Bender.
I'm getting ready to go hunting.
- Nice.
- Was he on to me?
Did he know I was screwing his wife
on their new Scotchgarded sofa?
Oh, yeah.
Hey, I thought maybe
Billy could come along.
- No.
- You know, keep you company.
And he'll bring his new camera.
It's gonna be boring waiting for
them to leave the apartment.
Well, Billy's used to boring.
- OK, have fun.
- 'Bye, Momma.
Hey, did you hear about
the new Latin teacher?
He got killed in a
wreck on the I-40.
- There's a reason they call
Latin the dead language. - Huh?
Oh, by the way, we're not going
to Joseph's den of debauchery.
Well, then where are we going?
We're gonna go pick up Nina and
grab some backstage passes.
I've got a date with destiny.
As long as we don't
drive on the I-40.
This is the place. Turn here.
Ew.
He said 8:30. We're just
a few minutes early.
I can't believe I'm
about to meet Josh.
I mean, this is the most
exciting thing I've ever done.
I met David Spade once.
Well, if it wasn't him,
it looked just like him.
So... what are your
plans after graduation?
I don't really have
any at the moment.
That doesn't sound very wise.
Oh, you meant plans? Like...
Oh, yeah, I have a lot of those.
How about you, you have any plans?
Oh, I'm gonna become a priest.
I definitely have a calling.
- And I'd call you out.
- What does that mean?
Nothing, it doesn't mean anything.
Hey, wait a second. I thought
girls could only be nuns.
- Only ugly girls are nuns.
- That's not true.
Yeah, that's not
true, Billy. Shut up.
Don't mind Billy. He's...
missing a chromosome.
So this priest thing, that's great.
You sure you wouldn't
rather just be
on 'American Idol' or something?
It's 8:30.
A priest?
That means that she can't ever...
- I know, Billy.
- You just kicked my mom's car.
- Is everything OK?
- Yup, we're great.
What if she sees that dent?
She's gonna kill me.
She won't kill you if I
don't bring you home alive.
Rick!
She's gonna be so angry at me.
Billy, shut up. Here it is.
Jimmy, open up.
Where the fuck is my shit?
Here. My backstage passes.
You want your backstage passes,
you're gonna have to take
a good, long, hard look
at the ass, Cleaver.
- What?
- Jimmy Junior.
Do it, son.
Then you'll give me
my backstage passes?
Look at him, be a man.
Look at Ricardo.
The vomiting cobra.
The meat monkey.
- Do it, take a look.
- OK.
Now you're a man.
Can I have my backstage passes now?
Let me grab those for you.
Oh, by the way, go fuck yourself!
That douche bag. Now
what am I gonna do?
Dude, did you see his balls?
Guys, come on. We don't
want to keep Josh waiting.
- OK.
- Come on, come on.
Hey, Rick, isn't
that your dad's car?
Oh, shit, I think you're right.
- Whose car?
- What's he doing here?
Fuck me!
Take that. Ride me.
Oh, Joseph. Do me doggy style!
That's Rick's dad.
And your... mom?
- Your pussy's so tight.
- Doubtful.
I think this is what my parents
were trying to shelter me from.
Are you ready for your turnkey?
- Those are both our dads.
- Yeah, I'm pretty positive.
I think I'm gonna
throw up. Oh, God.
I think I have an idea.
Fuck me! Fuck me!
Vice squad.
Oh, shit. Leave the dildo!
Let's go! Let's go!
Oh, my God, go! Hurry.
I'm getting in the
car, don't yell at me!
Hurry up, let's go!
Pamela's gonna kill me!
Oh, shit! Oh, shit!
- Billy?
- Richard?
- Shit! Shit!
- You stay, mister!
Nina! Nina, come here, let's go!
- You stay right there, mister!
- You are so grounded!
- It was Rick's idea.
- What?
So... what's your name?
Nina.
Nina? That's a pretty
name for a... pretty girl.
Can I get you something, honey?
Tea? Soup? An HIV test?
These are brand-new Dockers.
You know I puke when I'm nervous.
What are we gonna do here? Hm?
I didn't know anyone could run
that fast wearing a harness.
Alright, cut the crap.
Excuse my French.
How much do you want?
As I see it... correct
me if I'm wrong...
you'd like us to
forget you were here.
We'd also like to
forget we were here.
The only thing that's preventing us
from falling into a
state of total amnesia
is this little dent
problem we have.
Now, if that just... went away,
we could forget everything.
- How you suppose we do that?
- Yeah.
You'll say you ran
into Mrs Bender's car
on the street outside
your apartment.
Why would his wife believe her
car was outside my apartment?
You'll have to trust
me on this one.
- Alright... deal.
- Deal.
You sure you're OK with Billy
and Mr Bender taking you home?
Totally. Your dad kind of
creeps me out. No of fence.
None taken.
Are you gonna be OK, though?
I don't know what I would do
if I found my dad in a motel
with our neighbour and
an underage hooker.
Yeah, it's not the
first time. I'm just...
I'm sorry we missed the concert.
It's OK. Actually, I had fun.
You did?
- Oddly enough, yeah.
- Really?
Well, I guess we'll have
to do it again sometime.
I'd like that.
Me too.
I know where you, Billy, Mr Bender,
and your son of a bitch
father were last night.
- Don't even try to deny it.
- Well...
I had a detective
follow your father.
Not only were he and
Keith Bender at a motel
with some crack whore,
you and Billy were there
with some slut of your own.
What is it with the
men in this family?
You're such miserable
fucks, you gotta bring in
the neighbours to
pinch-hit for you?
Where is your father anyway?
I called to scream at
him, he wasn't there.
He is on a business
trip. Lithuania.
Figures he wouldn't be
here to face the music.
When I get back, I'm
gonna hire a lawyer.
Just you wait and see.
Where are you going?
What do you mean, where am I going?
- It's April.
- Rehab never works for you.
I think you've
developed an immunity.
It always works for me, until
I come home to my family.
Mom, really? Come on.
- What?
- Vodka? Nice.
Arriving at rehab sober
is like showing up
to a tennis lesson
without a racquet.
There's my cab.
Don't sell the house this time.
- Ricky! Yoo-hoo!
- Oh, shit!
Can I speak with you for a moment?
Yeah, you.
- Richard.
- Father Krumins.
Well, thanks again, Mrs Bender,
for opening your lovely home
to this week's bingo game.
Oh, not at all, Father.
Hopefully, next time Lois Enlow
won't get her prosthetic arm
stuck in the garbage disposal.
Took Keith four hours
to get that thing out.
- God bless you.
- Thanks. OK, yeah.
I spoke with your
mother this morning.
What were you doing with
that little slut yesterday?
- Which slut?
- How many sluts were you with?
One. None.
Nina's not a slut, she's
a friend from school.
I feel like you don't
really care about me.
- Sorry?
- Can I ask you a question?
- OK.
- Do you want to fuck me?
Uh, Mrs Bender, I have school.
Skip homeroom. Come on,
I'll write you a note. Let's go!
- Argh!
- Hello.
Hey, Karlis, what's up?
Less than a week before Arbor
Day. How's that going?
Good. I probably won't
even need that long.
Hey, how do you like your pinkies?
How do I like my pinkies?
I mean the way they currently are.
Yeah, I like my... pinkies.
You better be right.
A reminder, students,
this year's prom has
been cancelled.
Hey, you missed homeroom.
Where were you?
I was fucking your
mother up the ass.
- What?
- Kidding. I overslept.
Hey, Billy. Hi, Rick.
Hi.
Everyone, this is Sister Marie
Therese Francine Dubois.
She will be filling in
for the late Mr Apgar,
and the late Mr Marquart, who
died so tragically on I-40.
Sister is a Carmelite nun.
She's taken a vow of silence.
However, given our urgent
need, Father Krumins
has gracefully granted the
sister special dispensation
for her to speak during class,
so she won't go to hell.
Sister.
I am very happy to be teaching you.
My name is Sister Marie
Therese Francine Dubois.
Since there isn't time to
get through what I want,
I will not have time
to take any quest...
- Hm.
- She died.
No, she's... just sleeping.
Bet you five bucks she wakes
in less than a minute
without anyone saying anything.
OK, you're on.
Come on. Come on.
30 seconds.
45 seconds.
55 seconds.
- Yes!
- Conquest of Gaul.
The forces of civilisation over
the barbarians in ipso facto...
Oh! Alright, double or nothing.
Count me out.
What? What do you want?
Are we gonna get the
rest of the day off
like we did for Mr Apgar?
I for one clearly feel
traumatised again.
Yeah, and besides,
we got totally gypped
when his replacement
bit it on the I-40.
Mr Marquart never
even taught a class!
Fine! You know, it's
your education.
I don't give a shit,
but after today,
I am going to draw up an
official school policy
on faculty fatalities.
Mr Stevens and Mr Bender, I'd
like to see you in my office.
- 'Bye.
- I don't feel so good, Rick.
Kevin Carpenter brought
to my attention
that you bet on whether
or not the nun was dead.
Kevin Carpenter is a dick.
- We bet on when she would wake.
- Billy!
You admit to gambling
on school grounds.
Well, this should be good for
a nice, long suspension.
I've been waiting to take
you two clowns down.
There's a parent
here to speak to you
about that thing that happened,
that one time over by that place.
Right now?
I'll be right back.
- I think I'm gonna be sick.
- Swallow it, Billy.
- What are you doing?
- Check this out.
Poole took this from me last year.
What's this?
Holy shit.
These are pictures from
the girls' locker room.
This is one of Nina.
What are you doing, Mr Stevens?
I'm just, uh, getting
out of suspension.
- What is that?
- 10 to 20 would be my guess.
I've never seen those
pictures before in my life.
Who said anything about pictures?
Well, I didn't take them.
And, I mean, who's to say
how long they've
actually been in there?
Could have been years.
This one looks an awful
lot like Emily Tolls,
and she's currently a junior.
Hey, how about I forget
all about today's little
gambling indiscretion?
How about you forget
that we even exist
until the end of the school year.
Rick and Billy who?
Stevens and Bender. Ow.
I'm gonna kill Carpenter.
If you don't stop chasing after
Nina, he's gonna kill you.
Yeah, but if I do stop, then
Malinauskas is gonna kill me,
because I can't pay
him 1,000 bucks.
Well, at least you got that
smoking hot picture of Nina.
I haven't even seen it yet,
and I already popped a chub.
I'm gonna burn it when I get home.
Burn it? Why?
It doesn't feel right
being able to see her
when she doesn't even know it.
What?
Besides, I'll be getting the
real thing soon enough.
Hey! What did Principal Poole
want to talk to you about?
Uh, he wanted our help
in drawing up the new school
policy on faculty fatalities.
Wait! What are you two
cornholers still doing here?
And because I figured he
could do better than that...
What are you fucktards
still doing here?
What are you fudge packers
still doing here?
Ah, who am I kidding?
He's borderline Cro-Magnon.
I thought Poole
suspended your asses.
For your information, they were
helping amend school policy.
And they were getting
ready to walk me home.
I'm coming for you.
- Oh!
- Butt sniffer.
Dick.
That poor nun.
I'll have to get better
at the whole tears thing
if I wanna be a priest.
So this, uh, this priest thing,
is it just for the
get-into-heaven-free card?
No, silly. I like helping people.
That's why I'm a candy-striper
at County General too.
I dunno, everybody could use
a little help from time to time.
You're hot. You don't
have to help people.
Well, somebody has to.
We all don't have our
own personal saints.
Besides, I want to be the first.
Like Hillary Clinton,
or Amelia Earhart.
Sally Ride.
I don't know, I want to be special.
I think you already are special.
Well, thanks for walking me home.
Anytime. I, uh...
I really like...
spending time with you.
- See you tomorrow.
- OK.
There's hope for me yet.
- Hey, Steven.
- Playing hooky, pussies?
Steven, you don't happen to know
how to say anything
in Latin, do you?
- Huh?
- Saved by his own stupidity.
Some dude called for you.
Something about a car.
Funny way to spell 'auto'.
- Yes?
- Mantas Bartuska?
It's Rick Stevens.
Oh, it's gonna take another week
before I fix your mother's car.
I want to know what wheels
would you like for a loan?
Loaner?
Father Krumins told me to get
you whatever car you want.
- Father Krumins? Anything?
- Anything.
Uh, well, my favourite
is an Aston Martin.
It will be there within the hour.
They're loaning me an Aston Martin.
Oh, my god! Oh, my god!
I got accepted to Stanford!
That's amazing. You're
gonna move out.
Yeah!
What?
Get a hard-on, break your dick
in half and fuck yourself.
- Two great things in a row.
- Wait, who's Aston Martin?
Knock yourself out.
Whoa!
I found my beat
It's in your sound...
When Nina sees you in this car,
she's gonna be all over you.
I'll curse the crowd...
Hey, can we get Slurpees?
Yeah.
- Really?
- No.
We've been living
with the lights out
Been moving in the night...
So, uh, do you have
any plans tonight?
Um, yeah, after Meals on Wheels,
I'm gonna go down to the shelter
and play with some
stray animals... why?
Oh, uh... no reason.
Do you have enough room back there?
- Well, I... Not really.
- Yeah, he's fine.
Don't worry about him.
What the...?
Pull over to the right
side of the road.
- Why are they pulling us over?
- I don't know.
But I bet it's fine.
Don't worry about it.
Are you aware this car is
registered to Mantas Bartuska?
Who?
He's only one of the most
notorious Lithuanian mafiosos
in the entire three-county region.
- This is a mobster's car?
- No, it was a loaner.
He's having my mom's car fixed.
Having the mafia fix
your mother's car?
- You are?
- No, no.
You remember, Father Krumins
hit me, you were there.
He sent me to Mr Bartuska
to have my car fixed, so...
Wait, wait, wait,
the Catholic Church
sent you to the Malinauskas
family's chop shop
to get your car fixed?
Oh, my god.
Mr Stevens, I have a question
I need you to answer.
OK.
How did Mantas Bartuska's body
end up in the trunk
of your mother's car?
What? I... I didn't even know
that Mantas Bartuska was dead.
I know nothing about this.
We nabbed you driving
his Aston Martin.
Explain that to me, please.
- Am I a suspect?
- Big time.
Normally, I wouldn't care about
the lowlife that got shot,
but Mr Bartuska was ready
to strike a plea deal
to give us the name of the
head of the Lithuanian mafia.
This guy, he's so elusive
and so secretive,
we don't even know his name.
But Bartuska had his name,
and was gonna give it to
me until this happened.
I don't know what your
real involvement here is,
but I know you're
guilty of something.
I don't... I don't know anything.
- Don't interrupt me!
- I...
Yeah.
Miss Stratton-Osbourne
is here for Rick.
- Dadgummit! Show her in!
- Who?
I've been retained to
represent Mr Stevens.
If you don't mind, I'd like a
moment alone with my client.
Cigarette?
I'm 17.
I guess you're wondering
why I'm here.
Father Krumins has a
favour to ask you.
Father Krumins has a
favour to ask me?
He requests that you
refrain from mentioning
that the church is the one that
referred you to Mr Bartuska.
- But I already did.
- Oh.
Well, tell them you were kidding.
- The church wants me to lie?
- Yes.
- Do you wanna get out of here?
- Yes.
I've been doing some research.
Is it true your dad is
on business in Vilnius?
Uh, I think so.
Do what I say, I'll have you
out of here within the hour.
Are you sure you can get me off?
Kid, I've gotten off more
guys than I care to remember.
How did you get the Aston Martin?
What Aston Martin?
If you don't tell me
how you got the car,
I'm gonna put you in
prison with an inmate
who will eat your genitals
off while you're sleeping.
Tell him the truth,
just like we practised.
Mr Bartuska gave it to me.
Why would Big Barty give you
a brand-new Aston Martin?
He said that it was a gift
in honour of my father.
What did your father do to earn
such a gift from a mobster?
Well, it's definitely not because
he's a kingpin in the
Lithuanian mafia.
Expect me to believe that this
loser's father is in the mob?
Draw your own conclusions,
but given the alternative is
that the mob hired this kid...
I mean, look at him...
I think you'll see
it makes sense to
look into the father.
Do you have any evidence
to back this up?
Well, my father is currently
on business... in Lithuania.
Check his credit card records.
You'll see he's telling the truth.
Ho! Hah!
Well, you and your
client can leave now,
and I'm gonna make some
phone calls... right here.
And if I don't like the
answers I'm getting,
I'm gonna come see you...
I know where you live.
Nice work... by the
time those yokels
get through chasing that line
of bullshit about your father,
this whole incident
will be long forgotten.
Oh, and by the way, I got
your car out of impound.
You can keep it until your
mom's car gets fixed.
You want to give me a ride
home in your new wheels?
Why does it smell
like puke in here?
If I get a speeding ticket, you
can get me out of it, right?
It's a piece of cake.
Oh, can I take a few of these?
I get these tension headaches.
Wait, no, those are ecs...
Those are expired.
Ohhh! Oooh!
Oh, turn here.
Whoo-hoo-hoo!
Ohh! I love it!
Just touch my hand. Oh, my
God, that feels so good.
Oh, my God.
- Oh, my God!
- Ah.
You're just the nicest
guy I've ever met.
Do you know you're pure,
like a baby, innocent puppy.
Like an angel dog, like a
little sweet puppy angel
coming from the heavens
to save the world.
Do you want to come in and
listen to some trance music?
Don't do it, Rick.
You're this close to
my promised land.
No, we're here, get out.
When I was a kid,
I wished for big boobs.
- And then I got them.
- Oh, that's great.
- Isn't that cool?
- That's great, thank you.
You want to come in
for some tequila?
'Bye! No! Nope. Thank
you, though. 'Bye!
Huh!
Where the hell have you been?
Just undergoing interrogation
downtown about my mob ties.
Hilarious.
Hi, Cherysh.
Hello.
So you've opened a brothel.
Remember the rules...
they can touch you,
but you can't touch them.
It's perfect. See, they
do it every night anyway.
And this way we make money,
which will be more than
enough to pay Karlis.
So you're already giving up?
No, I just... I want
to cover all my bases,
just in case Nina and I
decide to take it slow.
Oh. OK.
Have they had their shots?
Who cares? We're opening a
strip club, not a vet's office.
They're on the pillows, Rick.
Money don't get
everything, it's true
What it don't get I can't use
I want money...
Hey, Kristen, we should throw a
party to celebrate you leaving.
I mean, you getting into Stanford.
- Yay! Party!
- Exactly.
I can smell her cooter from here.
What the hell are you up to?
Nothing. Steven can invite all
his muscle freaks from the gym.
I guess we could raid Mom's
secret alcohol stash.
Oh, her brain would explode.
We'd be helping with
her road to recovery.
I'm only thinking of her.
Pfft! Steven!
Is this gonna work?
You don't think your
sister is gonna be pissed
that you gave her children's
chewables instead of ecstasy?
She'll be way too wasted to notice.
Besides, she said she'd only
do it if we gave her 10 pills
and I only have two left.
They even fucked with her land.
She's gonna go fucking crazy.
We need to get them
to start mingling
or I'm never gonna
make 1,000 bucks.
Hi, everyone.
Billy tells me you guys
are having a party.
That sounds like a lot of fun.
Am I invited?
As long as you don't tell Mom.
Tell her what?
And, uh, honey? I owe you
a bottle of Tylenol.
I took the last two.
- Drinks?
- Oh, yeah.
It's a strip club, Billy.
You don't invite your mother.
Mrs Bender?
Mrs Bender.
Huh!
- I'm not wearing any panties.
- Uhhh.
Mrs Bender, Billy and everyone
are in the other room.
- Oh! I like you so much! Whoo!
- Mrs Bender, Mrs Bender.
- Oh, you're so sexy.
- No, no, no.
Whoo!
Shh! Be quiet. Everybody's
in the other room. OK? Billy...
Shhh!
Whoo, yeah!
Oh, this feels kind of good.
Oh, it feels really good.
Oh! Ohhh!
Oh, I love this dishwasher. Yeah!
Oh! Mr Bender is pulling up.
- Fuck him.
- Great idea. Why don't you?
- I want you.
- Oh, no. No.
I want you so bad. I do, I do.
Ah! This is what I'm talking about.
No, no, no.
This could be good.
It's gonna be good.
- Oh, my God.
- Oh!
This is so disturbing.
Oh, Ricky! Oh! Ricky!
What the...?
From the look on Billy's face,
he had apparently never seen his mother
masturbating on the kitchen floor before.
What are you doing to my mom?
- Ricky!
- Nothing!
I wasn't doing it. She
was doing it by herself.
She was just... she was just...
I feel so good!
OK. OK.
- Momma?
- So happy to see you.
She's acting kind of weird, Rick.
Hell, no, that's a mean thing
to say about your mom.
Can you put her in Lucy's room?
And let her lie down.
She's just, you know...
Will you come? Please?
She hasn't bitten me since I
was 10. That's kind of weird.
I love you. I love you so much.
I love you too, Momma.
Here, here...
- I love Tylenol.
- No, no, no.
- I'm fucking busy here!
- Jimmy, it's Rick.
I need your advice on
something drug-related.
- Shoot.
- This chick downed two E tabs.
Now she doesn't look so good.
Is she gonna be OK?
- Is she hot?
- Uh, yeah.
What does that have
to do with anything?
Why are you asking me that?
- I'll be right over.
- OK, thank God.
You got any lube?
Thank you. Come again.
Not on the furniture.
- Where's the bitch at?
- Oh.
It's Billy's mom. Are
you sure you can help?
Trust me, I used to be a doctor.
What the fuck is going on in here?
Oh...
- You know Kristen?
- I will totally not gag.
Rick?
Hey, Nina, what brings you by?
Hey, I was just wondering
if everything worked
out with the car.
Yeah, it was all
just a crazy mix-up.
Well, good. I, um...
I was worried about you.
You were worried about me?
Why are all these girls naked?
Yeah, it's weird,
right? I don't know.
Put that in my ass!
Maybe we should go somewhere
more quiet to talk, please?
When I pee... it burns.
- Where's Nina, dick breath?
- Uh, this is a private club.
Tell me where Nina is or
I'm calling the cops,
'cause I doubt that
this neighbourhood
is zoned for a strip club.
How about I give you
50% off a lap dance?
How about I shove another
broomstick up your ass?
How about I give you
a free lap dance?
I'll take that blonde over there.
She looks like a dick wrecker.
But after I come,
I'm coming for you,
and you better tell
me where Nina is.
- Freak!
- Oh! Dick.
I've never been to a
party like this before.
Yeah, me, neither. They're
Kristen's friends, really.
- It's kind of fun.
- Yeah?
Well, I guess, uh, life in my
family is just nonstop fun.
So are your parents ever around?
Rehab always evicts my mom
when her insurance runs out,
and my dad eventually
wants something,
so... he comes around.
My parents are always away too.
Chasing the latest shrine
or Virgin spotting.
They've been at it ever since
my little sister died.
Oh, I didn't know. I'm sorry.
Oh, no, it's... My parents
like to keep it quiet.
I go along with it
because I know at
the end of the day,
our parents are just as
scared and confused as we are
about everything.
Yeah, I never really thought
about mine like that.
Maybe you should.
Here, give me your hand.
- What?
- Hmm.
Hold still.
What are you drawing?
You'll see.
That's the Tau Cross.
It's the symbol of Saint
Francis of Assisi,
the patron of families.
Maybe it'll give you
better luck with yours.
You're really amazing,
you know that?
Here's a rock.
Oh.
Thank you.
It actually fell from the sky,
so it's kind of like
your own personal star.
And you can...
you can make as many
wishes as you want.
You know, you're not
so bad yourself.
Thank you.
Hmmm!
Hi, Ricky.
Hello, gorgeous.
Oh, I'm so happy you
came to see me.
Doctor's in the house.
Oh, fun, role playing.
I'm your new gynecologist.
I like it. I like to role play.
I'm here to check your ovaries.
Oh, you're not Ricky!
Just breathe.
Ohhhh!
Yeah, you like that?
Squeeze 'em! Squeeze 'em tighter.
- Mmm! Mmm!
- Harder! Harder!
Squeeze 'em hard. Like they're
small... Filipino children.
Squeeze 'em! Yeah.
Ohh!
You pervert!
Which one of you is Rick Stevens?
But if it wasn't for
your misfortune...
- It's like a 'T'.
- A 'T'?
It happens to be my
favourite letter.
That's good.
What is going on in here,
you slutty, slutty little bitch?
- Uh, nothing, Mrs Stevens.
- She's not my mother.
She knew that.
I was waiting for you.
You never came.
- She's very pretty.
- She's obviously on drugs.
Which one of you is Rick Stevens?
What is this bullshit I've been
hearing through the grapevine
about you claiming you're the
top crime family in town?
- You're in a crime family?
- You're in a crime family?
And what do you think you're doing
operating a strip joint
on our territory?
- Your territory? Who are you?
- The Malinauskas family.
Shit. Malinauskas.
Like any respectable organisation,
we have our ears in
the police force.
And they tell us there's
this Joseph Stevens
trying to hedge in on our business.
The problem is I never
even heard of him.
So you know what I think?
I think you're nobody at all.
He's nobody.
You're right. I'm a nobody.
And, uh, my father
is really a nobody.
And Mantas Bartuska
wasn't found shot to death
in my mother's trunk.
You're saying your
father made big body?
I'm not saying anything.
I'm not saying my father
offed 152 people in Jersey.
And I'm definitely not saying
we're in the witness
protection program.
So you're in a crime family and
the witness protection program?
And you're having relations
with a woman this old?
Old? That is so mean.
I can't believe I
almost kissed you.
- Whore! Come back!
- Nina.
- Please wait.
- Not so fast.
I wanna have a little
conversation with your father.
Later.
Nina, Nina, Nina!
Wait, wait, wait, wait.
You are not the type of person
I wish to associate
with, Rick Stevens.
- Can't you just let me...
- So, you're Rick, huh?
- Yes.
- Karlis has a message for you.
He said tomorrow's Arbor Day,
so unless you plough
that chick by midnight,
you better have the
1,000 bucks you owe him
or else he's gonna be
really fucking mad.
You bet that you would
'plough' somebody?
No...
Who else were you planning
on sleeping with?
You!
I mean, you.
You... ass face!
- Oh!
- Jeez...
You OK, buddy?
Ho! I was just a guest at a party.
I want to talk to my lawyer.
Annette Stratton-Osborne.
Mr Stevens! Mr Stevens!
Officer, there's been a
huge misunderstanding.
- A misunderstanding?
- Make some room here.
- Right. You're coming downtown.
- Just calm down, kids.
- What are you doing?
- Ma'am, keep your panties on.
Nina, Nina...
Mr Stevens, Brian Savage,
Channel 9, 'Eyewitness News'.
Mr Stevens, is it true
the melee here tonight
is the result of crime
family rivalries?
I'm Tina Johnson, investigative
reporter with Channel 5.
Mr Stevens, I would love to
get an exclusive interview.
I promise I will make it
extremely worth your while.
Whore!
- I love you! I love you!
- He's mine!
Alright, calm down!
Everybody, you have to...
OK, I know this is
bad, but... again.
Again. Again.
Can we get the patrol here, please?
Little jackass!
Hey, cunt, thanks for
stealing my story.
Kristen, you're gonna get arrested.
Hey, cock cop,
this is for stealing Nina.
Oh, shit.
You fucking Oompa-Loompa.
You stole my story!
Now there's going to
be a quid pro quo.
- That's live.
- Everybody freeze!
This is pretty.
We're gonna need some backup.
I'm gonna trust you with this.
This is a Timex there.
I'm gluten-free, so I can't...
I can't have any bread unless
it's, like, a rice flour.
- Principal Poole?
- Rick.
Officer, I got an alibi right here.
Tell them I didn't know anything about
the camera in the girls locker room.
I've never seen this
man before in my life.
We had a deal.
I want to talk to my lawyer,
Annette Stratton-Osborne.
Come on, Pee-wee.
Hi, Jimmy.
Number one, did you
know that Billy's mom
shaves her beef curtains?
- I did know that.
- Number two.
Some trash bag cop planted a
couple of grams of coke on me.
You believe that shit?
I find that very hard to believe.
I can't be in here.
My face, this bod...
You've seen my ass.
Three, I need you to
contact my attorney.
Beautiful tits, Annette St...
Stratton-Osborne, got it.
Kristen, Kristen, don't cry.
I used the lap-dancing
money to bail you out...
you'll be free within the hour.
I have a criminal record.
Lots of people have
criminal records.
Stanford is going to
rescind my acceptance.
That was my last shot.
- I'll figure something out, OK?
- Great, great.
You motherfucker!
Get the fuck over here!
Get the fuck over here!
- I swear to God...
- It was good seeing you.
- Good to see you too, fuckhead.
- Yeah, great, yeah.
Fuck!
- Billy, hey, Billy.
- Huh? Oh! Oh! Rick.
Sorry to wake you.
This is crazy, huh?
They got me on a pandering rap.
I don't even know what
'pandering' means.
Look, you gotta use the money
that I collected at the party
to bail me out, OK?
There's none left.
- What do you mean?
- There's no money left.
We collected a whole
shoebox full of money.
- I had to bail my sister out.
- What about me?
I figured your mom
could bail you out.
- My mom's in jail, Rick.
- Didn't even think about that.
Well, at least this nice man
offered to give me a cavity search,
which would save me a
trip to the dentist.
You know how much I
hate the dentist.
Oh, God, Billy, stay strong.
Hi.
Have you got in touch
with your parents yet?
They're in Dallas for
the Pro-life Gun Expo.
Is there anything I can do?
Yeah, you can...
go eff yourself.
I liked you,
despite the fact that you don't
have your future planned out.
Despite the fact that
your socks never match.
Despite the fact that your ringtone
is 'Nigga What, Nigga Who.'
It's my favourite song.
I liked you because I thought
that you were different.
And clearly I was wrong.
No, Nina, I am different. When
I'm with you, I'm different.
It's just everyone around me
keeps messing me up, you know?
And I'm in this... Like the
bet, that wasn't even my idea.
Will you grow up?
Take responsibility
for your actions
and accept that some things
are 100% your fault.
Like the fact that I never
want to see you again.
Nina...
- Nina, I'm sorry.
- Will you go?
OK. Look, I...
Never mind.
Looking from the window above
It's like a story of love
Can you hear me?
Listen to the words that you say
It's getting harder to stay
When I see you...
Put that...
All I needed was
the love you gave
All I needed for another day
- And all I ever knew
- All I ever knew
Only you...
The cops arrested Dad
because you told them that he
was a Lithuanian mob kingpin.
Mom's on her way back from
rehab and she is pissed.
Ugh! It's my turn.
This is Kristen Stevens.
No, I'm the Godfather's daughter.
I'll sell you my exclusive story,
but not for a cent under 1,500.
OK, thank you.
You just sold your
story for $1,500?
This time. I've already sold
it for 1,000 and 1,200.
- You don't even have a story.
- You don't know that.
Ugh! It's my turn, twat!
If it wasn't for me, Dad
wouldn't have been arrested.
Stevens Crime Syndicate.
Why are you answering
the phone like that?
- Hey, Dad.
- Don't you "Hey, Dad" me.
Do you have any idea
what I've been through?
I lost my job. I spent the
night in a Lithuanian jail.
I woke up to someone
masturbating in my face!
And I have crabs!
- Did you break omerta?
- Cut the crap, you shithead.
I think I know where all
these mafia rumours started
and you are in serious
trouble, young man.
Psshhht! You're breaking up.
You're breaking up. Psshhht!
- I'm at a payphone, you fuck!
- Going through a tunnel. Psht!
Don't you dare...
Dad says hi, by the way.
What the hell...?
What the hell...?!
Crabs. Great.
Buenos tardes.
Jesus Christ!
Can you use the front
door for once?
You're back.
I have no clue what you're saying.
I have a message for you from God.
Stop being such a screw-up.
Oh, and don't lose faith.
That's it? That's
all God has to say?
What did you want, the
winning lotto numbers?
It's Arbor Day.
Game's over, big boy.
Time to pay your debts.
What am I supposed to do?
How can I set things right?
Stop thinking with
your little head.
You were given two.
She always does that.
Which brings us back
to the beginning.
Not there. We already saw all that.
Stop! Now that we're back
to where we started,
your guess is as good as mine
as to how this fucker ends.
Forgive me, Father,
for I have sinned.
It's been, like, two months
since my last confession.
- It's been three years, Rick.
- Really?
- Yeah.
- Whoa.
Tell me about you sins, child.
I've lied a few times.
Why did you lie?
I was trying to win the
heart of Nina Pennington,
but it didn't work.
Well, it's not a mortal sin.
Anything else?
I had sex a few times.
I'm gonna need names.
Well, first I almost got a blow job
from a stripper down at
the club named Cherysh.
That's a venial sin.
Serious nonetheless,
but not mortal.
And I've been having
sex kind of regularly
with... Mrs Bender.
- Pamela Bender?
- Yep.
Keith Bender's wife?
Your best friend Billy
Bender's mother?
- That one.
- You son of a bitch!
You're the dirty little
cocksucker that gave me crabs!
You're excommunicated.
Ex-fucking-communicated!
Well, that didn't go as
well as I had hoped.
I didn't get the chance
to tell Father Krumins
that the source of his crabs
was more likely a crack
whore from the Do-Me-Inn.
- Ricky.
- Mm-hm.
- Did you give me crabs?
- I think you gave them to me.
That is so funny.
Where's your mother?
Uh, well, she attempted suicide
and the ambulance driver
said she's probably dead.
Oh, my God. Are you sure?
She didn't have a
drink in her hand.
But she did leave this letter
blaming you for everything.
I called her last night?
I must've been much more
out of it than I thought.
I feel awful that I hurt my mother
by having sex with you, Mrs Bender,
so I promised God that I
wouldn't fuck you anymore
if he spares my mother's life.
Sounded a bit too
melodramatic, so I add...
- Do you want a cocktail?
- I've gotta get to the jail.
Make sure Billy hasn't
been raped or anything.
You didn't get him released yet?
I was tired.
I gotta go down to the hospital,
see if my mom's dead yet.
Will you call me as soon
as you know anything?
Because if she lives, I'll
rent us a room at the Hyatt.
Mrs Bender, I made a
promise to God and I...
What would you rather do,
explain to God how you
were momentarily weak
or explain to my husband, who
owns a store full of guns,
how he caught crabs?
I have to take responsibility
for my actions.
If I don't, somebody else might
try and kill themselves.
I had no idea that you
felt this way, Richard.
- Mrs Bender...
- I thought...
I thought that you
enjoyed our rendezvous.
I did, probably too much,
but you know how you said that
I should try something new?
- Mm-hm.
- You were right.
That's what I'm doing.
I'm gonna fix my family.
'Bye, Pamela. Thank
you for everything.
- I'll be right next door.
- OK. OK.
I have no plans tonight.
What are you doing here?
I was in the cafeteria. They
have bitchin' tater tots.
Aw, you look like hell.
It's my fault everything
is such a mess.
Nina won't speak to me.
My sister got thrown out of school.
Mom is probably dead.
Looks like we're finally
making some progress.
Progress?
For once, you're thinking about
somebody other than yourself.
Your mother would be so proud.
Where is she?
She dead, child.
What do you mean, dead?
Her heart stopped beating.
They took her down to the
furnace about 20 minutes ago.
But she can't be dead.
She's my mom.
Well, everybody gotta go sometime.
I'm sure she knew how
much you loved her.
Mothers always know.
I don't think she did.
She'll never know that
Kristen got into Stanford
or that Steven was gay.
I'm sure she did know that.
She'll be so pissed
that she was cremated.
You feed the dog like I asked?
I'm behind the curtain, stupid.
I heard you're the
genius that called 911
instead of letting me die in peace.
Oh, thank God.
Oh! At least you know
I'm opprobrious.
Did you bring me any vodka?
Have you cleaned out the
mini-bar already, Mom?
Listen, smart-ass, you're gonna
insist I hang around and live,
I'm gonna do it on my terms.
Honey, it's gonna take
more than that...
Do you know where I
could get some of that?
knock me out.
Four Vicodin and a big
bottle of Stoli might do it.
I'll be right back.
You know you're messing
everything up, right?
- What?
- Don't look so surprised.
I go through your trash.
I eavesdrop on your
phone conversations.
I know what you're up to.
I'll admit,
the you-fucking-Pam-Bender thing,
it caught me by surprise,
but I know more about you
than you think I do.
But...
Shut up and listen to your mother.
Nothing you've done
cannot be undone.
You go, you tell this Nina
Pennington how you really feel.
Well, she doesn't
want to talk to me.
I don't blame her. I was a douche.
You only get one chance, but... Oh!
What if I blew that chance?
Well, you can't make
her forgive you,
but you can do what it takes
to make things right with her.
Don't be like your
father... be a man.
It's like the first time
we've had a conversation
where you were cognisant.
- Alright, here we go.
- Seriously?
- Wait! Wait. Can we just...
- Too late.
Oh, cunt-licking,
motherfucking whore-cock!
I totally had you going.
- You're not gonna maim me?
- No.
Anyone who can make my
douche bag dad sweat
is alright by me.
Oh, thank you so much,
Karlis. Thank you.
I was an asshole to make
this bet in the first place.
And, oh, you can tell your family
that my dad's not a mob
boss... he's just a dick.
Well, I will let my dad think
otherwise for a while.
- We're good.
- Thank you.
OK, see you.
I know you must be super busy,
so I really appreciate you
taking the time to meet with me.
At the rate your family and
friends keep going to jail,
you should put me on a
permanent retainer.
It would be cheaper.
- Did you go to Stanford?
- Best four years of my life.
Mind you, I'm surprised
I can still walk
and that I don't have chlamydia.
Hey, what does that red
seal on the envelope mean?
If I told you, I'd
have to kill you.
No, seriously, what you
don't know can't hurt me.
Are you gonna be able to get
any of those charges dropped?
I take it you kind
of like this girl.
A lot, and she wants
nothing to do with me.
And seeing as I'm the one
that got her in this mess,
I want to get her out.
Alright, I'll do it for 2,000.
$2,000? I don't have that.
How much do you have?
Around $37.
But at least I still
have my pinkies.
Pinkies are overrated,
unless they're in the stink.
That can be the down payment,
and for the rest, I am looking
for a part-time file clerk.
You can work it off, or sell
a kidney. I know a guy.
- I guess I choose file clerk.
- Welcome to the firm.
Thanks for getting me out.
Well, Billy, you are my best friend
and I do feel somewhat responsible.
Hey, wait, how'd you get the money?
- He's my bitch now.
- Oh!
Speaking of bitches, Kevin
Carpenter is still in there.
How's he doing?
Let's just say it
wasn't a broomstick
that took his butt cherry.
Mom! Hey, it's me!
Hey! Hi!
Were you coming to get me out?
Yes, of course I was, darling.
Who are you? Shouldn't
you be wearing a bra?
I'm Rick's attorney,
and his new boss for
the next 20 years.
Billy, you could take a
lesson from your friend
and get a job yourself.
That's very responsible
of you, Richard.
Thanks. OK.
'Bye, Rick. Hey, Mom,
can we get Slurpees?
So, make sure to wear your
tight jeans on Monday.
Yeah, about that...
What's that?
Just a rather incriminating
letter to you
from Father Krumins.
You know, your friend, the
head of the Lithuanian mafia.
Are you blackmailing me?
No, I thought you
should have it back.
Thanks.
- And let's make it 10 years.
- Deal.
See you Monday.
At least 'Jugs' offered me
$10,000 for a pictorial.
You're going to hell
in a hand basket.
Well, she's going
to Stanford first.
What?
My boss is an alumni.
The dean owed her a
favour for some reason.
- You're not a dick!
- That's my girl.
That's a pretty big closet.
And it's time you came out of it.
What?
Now you can stop being
mean to everyone
and just be honest with yourself.
- And start dressing better.
- We won't love you any less.
- You knew?
- A mother always knows.
Besides, you work out your glutes,
like, five times a week.
- Here.
- What's this?
Your divorce papers. All you
have to do is sign them.
I don't know. I hate the
thought of being alone.
You're not.
Oh!
Ohh!
Butch.
Even though you didn't die,
we still remembered
to feed the dog.
And you've always got us, Mom.
I need a drink.
Oh, Superman
I don't wanna hit the ground
I don't wanna hit the ground
I don't wanna hit the ground
Oh, Superman
Oh, Superman...
Damn it, watch where
you're walking.
Are you OK?
- Nina, hi. I'm sorry.
- Rick...
Before you tell me to go away,
just let me tell you one thing.
Look, I know I messed
everything up,
I...I have a lot of insecurities
and I do really stupid
things sometimes.
Well, a lot of the time.
All I ever wanted was
for you to like me,
and think that I was cool...
which I'm not.
I let a lot of stuff get in
the way of the fact that...
I really like you so much.
Rick...
I do think that you're cool.
You do?
You're right, though...
you are a complete idiot.
But I like you.
And I heard what you
said to your family
and I thought that it
showed a lot of character.
Well, I like to help people.
Actually I do. It's
not even bullshit.
It really does...
it does feel good.
Then I guess we have a lot
more in common than I thought.
Go for it.
I don't wanna hit the ground
I don't wanna hit the ground
I don't wanna hit the ground
Oh, Superman
Oh, Superman
I don't wanna hit the ground
I don't wanna hit the ground...
And we all lived
happily ever after.
Well, some more than others.
Annette Stratton-Osborne
welcomes you
to the grand re-opening
of Pomme-teri,
where the men are hot
and everything's legal.
- I'm gay!
- I gathered.
Alright, ladies, next
up we have a new guy.
Please give it up for Sparky!
Whoo! He's young, but he's legal.
Sparky likes long walks
on the beach and kittens.
You're Principal Poole's secretary.
And a finger up his ass.
- Show us some cock!
- No, no, no.
Oh, no, baby, get back there.
Sparky! Sparky! Sparky!
- Not with the plunger.
- Sparky! Sparky! Sparky!
Oh, Billy Bender!
Mom? What are you doing here?
I, uh, my car... broke down.
- Here's another, Pam.
- Oh, thank you so much.
You told me to get a job.
A job where you keep your
clothes on. Look at you.
Look at you.
Ladies, I made him do push-ups
every single day for
the last seven years.
Huh? Huh?
Ma'am, you're gonna
have to sit down.
- Young man, is that a boner?
- Oh!
Oh, my God. Oh, my God!
My mom... A boner...
Oh, my God.
I'm gonna be so grounded.
Mom?
I'm not your mother. I am a saint.
And you, my dear, have been
a very naughty little boy.
- If it's about the stripping...
- No.
No, I'm more concerned
with those library books.
They're very late
and you're never gonna
get those pages unstuck.
Ohhh!
Billy Bender!
Headed for the open door
Tell me what you're waiting for
Look across the great divide
Soon they're gonna hear the
sound, the sound, the sound
When we come running
Never go where we belong
Echoes in the dead of night
Soon they're gonna know the
sound, the sound, the sound
- When we come running
- Whoa-oh
Oh-oh-oh
Whoa-oh, oh-oh-oh
Oh-oh
Oh-oh-oh
The sound, the sound, the sound
When we come running
Never go where we belong
Echoes in the dead of night
Soon they're gonna know
the sound, the sound, the sound
- When we come running
- Whoa-oh, oh-oh-oh...
Scene 67, take one.
Mark.
OK, we found the body
of Mantas Barukas.
Is that the right way to say it?
Bartuska.
Mantas Bartuskas...
Bartukas... Bartukas...
Bartukas... Bartukas...
How did the body of
Mant... Bartukas...
I know you have something to
give to me that you want to,
but right now you're in fear.
I think you're in fear.
Oh, you do? Think I'm in fear?
You think I'm in fear?
That's where you belong,
right on your fucking ass!
I said the body of
Mantas Bartukas...
Mantas Bartuskas...
Mr Bartukas... Mantas Barukas...
How did Mantas Bartuskus's body
end up in the trunk
of your mother's car?
- What?
- Clearly you didn't kill him.
I mean, just looking at
you, if you sneezed,
you would blow your balls
out of your scrotum.
- That's mean.
- It's not mean.
It's a way to get a sex
change without trying.
And cut.
A dirty face of gold
Behind that crooked line
Where you never knew you'd go
Headed for the open door
Tell me what you're waiting for
Look across the great divide
Soon they're gonna hear the
sound, the sound, the sound
When we come running
Never go where we belong
Echoes in the dead of night
Soon they're gonna know the
sound, the sound, the sound
- When we come running
- Whoa-oh
Oh-oh-oh
Whoa-oh, oh-oh-oh
Oh-oh
Oh-oh-oh
The sound, the sound, the sound
When we come running
- When the world's gone quiet
- Whoa-oh
- I see you dancing slow
- Whoa-oh
Feelin' satisfied where
you never knew you'd go
Headed for the open door
Tell me what you're waiting for
Look across the great divide
Soon they're gonna hear the
sound, the sound, the sound
When we come running
Never go where we belong
Echoes in the dead of night
Soon they're gonna know
the sound, the sound, the sound
- When we come running
- Whoa-oh
Oh-oh-oh
Whoa-oh, oh-oh-oh
Oh-oh
Oh-oh-oh
The sound, the sound, the sound
When we come running
Days go by
Feeling broken down
- Remember
- Whoa-oh
- Always remember
- Whoa-oh
The sound, the sound, the sound
When we come running
The sound, the sound, the sound
When we come running
- Headed for the open door
Whoa-oh
Tell me what you're waiting for
Look across the great divide
Soon they're gonna hear the
sound, the sound, the sound
When we come running
The sound, the sound, the sound
- When we come running
- Whoa-oh, oh-oh-oh
The sound, the sound, the sound
- When we come running
- Whoa-oh, whoa-oh-oh
Whoa-oh, whoa-oh-oh...