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Belushi's Toilet (2018)
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What, what most people don't realize is that your intestines are made up of a network of neurons. It's a lot like your brain. It's incredibly complex. It, it, it, it makes all kinds of decisions about digesting your food so your main brain can get on with other things, like a, a co-processor. It's a second brain. But I'd always suspected it's way more sophisticated than that. Like, like what if, what if your intestines were actually conscious? You wouldn't know, as it'd be separate to your consciousness. But imagine being the conscious bowel. You have no eyes, no ears, can't speak or move. The only thing you can do to attract attention would be to inflict pain, you know, like abdominal cramps, gut ache. That's, that's what it is! It's the conscious bowel trapped in, in its, in its own, in its own self-aware hell of digesting food. So knowing all this, I did something kind of pioneering. I, I made contact. I, like I joined the two consciousnesses. It's, it's hard to put into words. Please try. The details are a bit hazy. I'm not sure of the exact steps. But, but once I was, once I was in there, I could walk around. I, I even saw other people in there. Then I saw the girl from my failed date the night before. I just spiralled into paranoia, thinking, thinking about how I, how I'd screwed up the, the date with her and, and now she was in my, my bowel. I mean, how, like how does that happen? Sweet Jesus. It gets worse. Oh it gets worse? Yeah, while I wasn't paying attention, I started digesting myself. Like my intestines were getting their revenge. My bowels were out to get me. I'm telling you, you don't wanna mess with this fucker! Don't you think if your bowels were really trying to kill you, they would just, I don't know, stop digesting your food? I guess so. But one thing I still can't figure out is how I ended up in the women's jail in a burned dress. Every good journey into your own bowels ends in a women's jail in a burned dress. Everybody knows that. What about you, Advice? We haven't heard much about your night. Didn't really have that much of an effect on me, to be honest. So it's back to the drawing board then. Well, nice name, nice logo. Sure as hell works. It's just too weird to ever get any mass appeal. All right guys, listen up. I wanna talk about the next batch. I've got some ideas that will... Hey, how you guys doing? Been better. I hear ya. What can I do for you? Uh, single, please. Double. Double double please. Yeah, same. Okay, coming up. There's nothing quite as therapeutic as a giant pair of tits. Guys, focus. I'm making some real progress in the lab. They've invested in new equipment, new methods. It's even easier to keep all of this stuff under the radar. I'm working with chemicals in ways I'd only dream of before. I'm certain that I can come up with something so clean and, and exquisite, with no scary shit. Just a pure focused rush. No comedowns, no side effects. No self-aware intestines? Not unless you want some more. I think I'd like all my organs to be non-sentient from now on. Yeah, cheers to that. Here you go, guys. Thanks. Enjoy. You all right? You look agitated. Yeah, I'm agitated. Hey, there's nothing wrong with being agitated. This world was built by agitated people. Contented people just sit on their butts. Einstein, Edison, Hawking, all agitated, in their own way. Hawking, how could you tell he was agitated? The guy couldn't move. You could see it in his eyes, man. I've been there. You've been paralyzed? No, okay. What I'm saying is, you know, being content doesn't breed creativity. You have to be pissed off to take action or make changes, right? Right. It's a good thing. Nature favors the agitated. Look at Wake. When Prohibition ended, what drug did everyone gravitate to? One that makes you hyper, agitated. Agitated! You know this stuff is killing the coffee industry though, right? I still drink coffee too though. You gotta watch your blood pressure though. The two don't really mix so well. I haven't taken caffeine in so long. Taken? You make coffee sound like a pill. Yeah, well caffeine is a drug too, right? It sure is, my friend. Everyone just forgot, on account of they were so hooked on it. I'd never let myself get hooked like that. Retrosonic Festival's coming up, so I'm thinking we test each variation of new drugs at each event. Seems like the perfect setting, don't you think? Check it out. They got, they got theme nights for everything, from acid house to drum and bass, house and trance. They even have a chill out event for the finale. I don't feel well enough to talk about this right now. Just let me get over last night first, please? All right, so first off we got late '80s acid house. DJ Burst Reynolds, always a winner. It's gotta be a trippy one for that one. You know they used to have huge illegal outdoor acid house parties in the late 1980s? I would've loved to have been around at that time. Fear. Next up we have early '90s, rave, the islands. DJ Sean Coronary headlining. I'm thinking loved up, ecstasy style, you know, hugging everyone, asking everyone where they're from, gurning, chewing your own face off, all the classics. Chewing. Then we got late '90s trance. I'm thinking there's gotta be an amphetamine or a coke-type adrenaline rush. You know, that, that warm, fuzzy, indestructible feeling. I'm getting nauseous just thinking about it. Then finally there's an ambient down-tempo night at the club in the tower. Chill out tunes, DJ Jelly Savalas. Now we're gonna need the rest by then. Physically and mentally. I'm thinking an anesthetizing kind of high, you know, kind of like Ketamine or some other family favorite veterinary tranquilizer. Horse tranqs, wicked. So, what you think? Sounds fucking horrendous, but I'm in. Yeah, yeah, I'm a bit worried that it's a lot to fit into one festival, but you know, events like this don't happen every year. I think I might know somebody who can get us cheap tickets, so I say we do it. I'm in. I'm gonna have to take a serious vacation from the drugs afterwards though. There's gonna be a lot of pieces to pick up. Hey, Al. Hey, kid. I got a bunch of good new stuff in. Check this out, it's an early century computer. Got a keyboard, screen, um, a mouse thingy. Retro. What's this thing? That was a big personal music player in its day. Changed the industry entirely. I'm not getting anything. You gotta take this, you gotta plug this in and put these wires in your ears. Oh. I saved these for you. Vinyl record decks. - Do they still work? - Took a bit of tinkering, but yeah, I got them both to work. I can show you how to use them if you want? I gotta have them. How much you want for them? Four grand for the lot. Done. Al, you've made my day. Lobby entrance. Answer, hello. Hey, it's Mason. Supplies, buddy, get your ass up here! Mrs. Carter, you have a visitor. Adrian, my love. I was just dreaming about you. Hi, grandma. How you doing? I'm comfortable, dear. They're so nice to me here. This young gentleman in particular. If I was a few years younger and could actually move. You're enough of a handful bedridden, Mrs. Carter. I uh, got you these. Oh honey, they're lovely. I stole them from Mrs. Peterson's bedside table. She was in no condition to run after me. We've started her on a new cycle of Butron FL 5 and 6. I've seen good results with this, but we'll just have to wait and see how she responds. What about the pain? We're still giving her high doses of Opiaxa, but I can't give her anymore without risking kidney damage. She's very comfortable, don't worry. Adrian. Darling. Can you hand me the thing? The thing? Oh, the thing, yeah. - Thanks, sweetie. - How about you? When are you being tested again? I'm being tested every two weeks. That's good. I can't emphasize how important it is. Considering the current situation, you wanna catch it early. Yeah, I understand. I'm on top of it. Hang in there, grandma. I can't do this without you. I've got the results, Mason. Awesome, Lucy, thanks. Uh, send them to me here. Oh, not so good, eh? No, all the virtual rats died after 26 hours. 90% had brain lesions and 25% had multiple hemorrhages. What about the real rats? We had trouble authorizing that, so the sample's pretty small. All of them died after 25 hours, and 24% had multiple hemorrhages, pulmonary edema, and renal damage. Did you try the virtual human? Well, you know how inaccurate the VH is, but cardiac arrest, liver damage, kidney failure, and the head swelled up three times the normal size all within an hour. Patient was dead 77 minutes after administration. Jeez! I'm glad I'm not taking this stuff on Friday. Sorry? Nothing. I'll make a few changes. Thanks Lucy, we're getting there. Slowly. Mason Sargosta, please report to Dr. Williams's office on the 110th floor. Mason Sargosta. 110th floor. Sit down, Mr. Sargosta. Am I pronouncing that correctly? Yes, sir. Very good. I see you're working on X347B, Project HACOS. Yes, sir. HACOS. Phase two. Compound, uh, 347B has proven to be the most difficult so far. Really, Mason? I'm a little concerned about some of the requests coming out of your department. Live rats, garmic analyzers, nano-centrifuges, and seven liters of neolysergic-acide trioxidine. I can't imagine what you need some of these items for, especially NAT. I don't need to remind you that that stuff is still tightly controlled. You're running the department now, Mason. So please, enlighten me. Uh, well, sir. The disease changes so rapidly in some of the subjects that the phase one compounds are already useless. We, we've had to think outside the box in phase two. I'm not using the NAT unaltered. We're, uh, sieving it. And the rats were incinerated afterwards. We're always careful. Altered or unaltered, I don't want you injecting our human subjects with that stuff, okay? No sir, I wouldn't, uh, dream of it. And no more live rats. Do you know how much heat we take every time one of your guys kills something? No more rats, no injecting NAT. Got it. I have full confidence in your department, Mason, but I will shut you down in a second if you cross the line in this research. Can you ask Susan to refill that on the way out? It's been one hell of a day. We might have a problem. I was dragged up to see the big boss today. He's getting suspicious of the items I've been ordering for the department. Well isn't it all part of your research? Well, not exactly. I mean, yeah, some stuff is legit for disease research, but I've been pushing it a bit with some of the controlled substances, new research chemicals that are untested or just plain deadly. Hold on. What the hell are you mixing up for us, man? You never said anything about deadly research chemicals. I'm not feeding us that stuff, okay. I just need it for part of the synthesis process. Look, you gotta trust me on this, okay. I mean, yeah, maybe it's borderline, but it'll be the best time we've ever had. Better than all the legally available stuff. Look, wasn't that the point? Risk, excitement? What if the big boss pulls the plug? I'll throw in some baking soda and hope you're suckers for a placebo. Oh jesus! Here. Jesus. I'm sorry. Uh, please sit. Are you okay? You, you look a little agitated. Yeah, agitated. That's, uh, that's me. Um, to, to be honest, I wasn't exactly sure that you'd show up tonight. Uh, our last date wasn't exactly textbook. Was it a date? Is this a date? Is this a date? I don't know, you tell me. Hey, Hyman, look, you're a nice guy and I kind of like your jittery quirkiness. The word but normally follows jittery quirkiness. But let's be straight with each other from the start. It's fun hanging out, but... But, oh! Jesus, would you quit with the buts? But, but is this a date? Not really I guess. Yeah. Not really. Yeah. I guess dates don't set fire to tables and soak their jittery crotches with water. I, I'm just not a confident guy, you know. Yeah, and that's sweet. Sweet? Oh jesus. Sweet and buts! Sweet, buts! Sweet, buts! I gotta go to the washroom. Sorry about that. When you gotta go, you gotta go. You know, the funny thing about my bowel is that it's not always under my total control. And I'm not, I'm not saying that I'm incontinent. That's not what I'm saying. I'm not incontinent! I just get nervous. You know what that's like? Nerves, nervous, nervous, nerves? You, you ever get nervous, are you nervous? I'm starting to get there. Uh, hey, you got a little... You know what's ridiculous? Whenever somebody has something on their face, people are just like, "Hey, you've got a little," but they never finish the sentence. Like, why can't you just say, "Hey Hyman, you've got drugs all over your face "because you forgot to wipe them off "after snorting them in the washroom!" Your nose is bleeding. It's nothing! That's what they do! Noses bleed! Bleeding noses! Didn't you pay attention in class? I'm sorry. I've gotta get out of here. Sir, I think it's time you left. You! And your, face! I just wanna dose up on pork chops tossed in a vat of crispy Parmentier spuds, legally! It's legal! You mother! Feel the rain. Friday. Want some salt? Always, man. Yeah. So, tonight's the big night, eh? Oh yes. I've been excited for this for quite some time. Nothing beats that old prohibition era music. Hey, are you gonna make it or not? I doubt it. Kids and shit, you know. I envy you, man. No responsibilities. Mason's got something special for us. He's described it as LSD without the crippling fear. Oh man, come visit me in my dreams. Yeah, will do, man. Adrian. How are the simulations going? Um, good, good. Good. Can I see you in my office for a minute? Okay, sure. Well, I don't know quite how to ask this, but um, I hear your friend Mason can get some new, uh, pick-me-ups. Is the Wake not doing it for you, sir? Wake, no! It gets me through the day, but uh, I was looking for something for the evening, something that the wife can enjoy too, if you get my meaning. Something new and unexpected. I know this might be a bit unorthodox, and I don't wanna put you in a difficult position or anything, but uh... No no, it's, uh, no problem at all. Let's keep this hush hush between you and me, okay? Okay, sure. Um, I guess I'll talk to Mason the next time I see him. Thank you, Adrian. Remember, I'll make sure this is all worth your while when it comes to your next review. What was that all about? Nothing, he just wanted to make sure we weren't slacking off. You know how important this project is to the company. - Did you get it? - Sure did. It was supposed to arrive yesterday, but they said it was out of stock. Talk about last minute. Last minute for what? Just running behind on some things. Nothing you need to worry about. Ah, the molecules are smiling at me today. Tell me what I wanna hear! I've done it. Yes! It was a bit touch and go there, but we're all good. I've got enough for everyone. The simulation showed it's kind of like relaxing LSD. Tons of psychedelic visuals, but with a feeling of contentment, like ecstasy. No dangerous side effects, and best of all, no comedown. It sounds too good to be true. When have I ever let you down? Well. You know what? Don't answer that. Let's get our shit together and all meet up at Rachel's at 1900. Rachel, she's back on the scene! Things are looking up, man. Right on. Hey, fellow seekers. Nice shirt. Hey, and yours, blasphemy and drug use all rolled into one. I like it. Just gotta watch out for the Jesus freak down the hall. She'll have us stoned to death with the gays and adulterers, and not the good kind of stoned to death either. Luckily we have all these drugs to absolve our sins with. Ah, absolution by brain rearrangement. I like your church. Come pray at my altar. Hello. This is it. The product of a lot of hard work and dodging management. I even thought of a cool little name for it. SNAP. It'll kind of snap your brain. That's also the acronym for the chemical name, but I won't bore you with the details. It's catchy. I'm excited to try it. Knock yourself out, buddy. You know what? - I probably will. - Yeah. Which reminds me, Sadie has something for you. Oh yes, we wanted to get you something special, just to thank you for all the hard work you put into getting us wasted. We wanna let you know that we appreciate it. It's a vintage 1991 ecstasy pill. White Dove. Very rare. Very expensive. Where'd you guys get this? I mean, thank you. 1991, that's a good year. Rachel, come check this out. Hey, guys. Whoa. I've never seen one of these in real life. I heard they were the real deal back in the prohibition days. Will it still be chemically stable? Guess we'll find out sometime. That's so sweet of you guys. What are you doing tomorrow? Are you coming back here to chill? I never make plans for the day after. You know how it is. When you're mashed, your vision of the next day is a rose-tinted easy comedown, with everyone sitting around laughing and chatting, but when the grinding reality hits you and you're curled up in a ball on a dirty kitchen floor, crying, you think, "This isn't quite what I had in mind." All right, guys. Here's a little something to calm the nerves before the heavy stuff. Un petit apritif, if you will. And I will. Cheers! Whoa, you're not having second thoughts here, are you? Hey, come on man, these last few minutes before a new drug, they're a magical time. The anticipation, twisting up your stomach. No, my digestive system has seen enough action lately, thank you. No no no no, it's not the same unless we're all in sync. It's about the collective experience, man, all of us, together! I'm not a bad man. I'm just weak. Anyone carrying any drugs? Yes, a veritable harvest. Excellent, go inside. All right guys, if we lose each other, let's meet over at the couch in the corner, all right? Everyone got that? All right, here goes. See you on the other side. Let's get silly. Jesus. Are you seeing this? I do believe I'm tripping like a monkey. Oh man. I wasn't planning on taking so much. Never really trust your future self. Ulysses knew this. Ever hear of the Ulysses contract? No. No. In Greek mythology. Ulysses wanted to hear the song of the Sirens, but he knew that doing so would render him temporarily insane and incapable of making rational decisions, so he ordered his men to tie him to the mast of the ship, and block their ears. Otherwise he'd be compelled by the song of the Siren and leave the ship, which would mean certain death. You see? Ulysses knew he couldn't trust his future self. He made a contract with himself. It's known as the Ulysses contract. So do you think that taking all those pills was the wrong decision? Well, no. No. You see, in this case, you knew deep down you wanted to go overboard, so when it came to the moment, you just said, "Fuck it," and you did it anyway. Yeah. Yeah, I, I think that's what happened here. Did you know that pigeons are only the way that they are because of human beings? Fuck! This is a full-blown trip. But clean. I'm losing me. The whole fabric. What did I tell you? What did I fucking tell you? It's tenuous, man. You know? Your grasp of reality. You. What is you? Just a transient ball of electricity. A pitch black room. Strobe lights flashing. Good tunes. Good drugs. Good friends. Doesn't get any better than this. Good morning, officer. How you guys doing? Been out on the town? Yeah, we were at a warehouse party up on Cherry Street. Feeling a bit worse for wear now. Yeah, you look like you could use some sleep. I pulled you over because I couldn't get a read on your vehicle to make sure it was on auto. Believe it or not, we still get some clowns who think they can operate on manual in your condition. Yeah, well the only clowns in this car are in the backseat. If only you could see what I'd seen with my bowels. Let me out of the car. There's no air in here and I can't fucking breathe. He's had a heavy night. I, I, I'm telling you, man, a beard is not an investment. Why don't you guys show me some ID and we can all be on our way? Whoa whoa, was that, was that in my pocket? Is that tobacco? Where'd you get that? Uh, I, I got it off a, a Russian guy in a Korean store in Chinatown. Everyone out of the vehicle. Hands where I can see them. You know how dangerous that stuff is? It's not as dangerous as driving on manual! Why am I getting shat on? Okay. Since I can't tell how many of you have been assigned to the controls, I'm gonna perform a sobriety test on you all. You know the drill. Hold it together, fellas. Okay, people, get outta here. Oh, make sure he takes two of these before he goes to sleep. Have a good night. Shame I missed it. Must've been a blast, judging by the state of your eyes. Yeah, I feel a bit delicate. Delicate? You look like shit. How many hours of sleep did you get? I don't know. It's all a bit of a blur. I'm gonna go get a Zupa burger later. You wanna come? I don't think I'm really ready for solid food yet. Um, I'm just gonna stay and get some work done. Fuck. The more information I have at my fingertips, the less interesting any of it actually is. Fuck, keep your shit outta my space! Jesus, man! What siphoned your serotonin? You did! Don't mind him. He's still having a bad case of Saturday night fever. Well keep your junkie shit out of the office. Some of us are here to work. I need a walk. You too? Yeah, me too. I just needed to clear my head for a bit. Nice, smooth high with no comedown, eh? Yeah, well, it was a smooth high. With a comedown. A shitty, relentless comedown. An endless, lethargic, hopeless, grinding comedown. Okay. I get it. I just need to make a few adjustments to the formula. We'll be fine before the next party. You can't keep doing what we do without some battle scars. Yeah, well, I just hope the scars aren't permanent. I always think of it like this. You know when you get a new thing, you obsess over keeping it all clean and perfect, and yet you get one little bit of damage on it, you think, "To hell with it." You free yourself from it. It's the same with your brain. Damage it a bit, worry about it less, enjoy it more. You know what really worries me? Hm? What you just said actually makes sense. I got a message from Stomach. He sounds just fine. Look at all these people, man. Just going through their lives like nothing has happened. Just gotta keep our heads down. Just try and get through the rest of the day. Get six Sinus Streams for the price of one! We'll even throw in three extra nose pieces! They survive on a desolate wasteland, a hellhole of degradation, fighting with... Fucking hell. My porn. Daddy, daddy, look at my pictures. What the hell is this shit supposed to be? Honey! I know you just got home, but I need you to unblock the toilet. Daddy, daddy, dolly's head fell off. Look honey, daddy's a frigging Dalek! Exterminate! Exterminate! There's an alternative. Easy to administer. A single dose lasts 24 hours, effectively taking the edge off everyday stresses. Reconnect with your annoying children, your demanding wife. There's magic hidden underneath all that rage. Rediscover the simple pleasure of previously mundane household chores. Add some stability to everyday life again. It's never too late to talk to your doctor about Soothaxogen. Side effects may include intense eye pain, swelling of the elbows, skin plucking, teeth grinding, irregular... There is always someone trying to make a quick buck off the misery of others. Urge to eat metal objects, thoughts of suicide, and suicide. Looks like the weatherman was wrong again. Not a cloud in the sky. It's so frustrating when you can't sit down. Excuse me, where are my manners? So, what do you think about the problems across the border? I don't know. I don't really have an opinion. You gotta have some sort of opinion. Why, it's, it's okay not to have an opinion. Fine, fine. How about the latest batch, hm? Any opinions on that? Think of it as market research. Pros, cons, improvements? You almost had it. I mean, it's a nice, warm, fluffy high. I almost thought that I had dodged that comedown, and it just royally fisted me. Yeah, it was rough. It was a mistake to try and eat a whole roast chicken when I could barely swallow air. The night was wicked. The next day was a blur. I was kept awake because of the internal monologue in my head. It was loud. Loud. Not under my total control. And it kept trying to tell me bizarre and unfathomably long, complicated stories about, about tennis. Yeah, and other things, but I can't remember now. Yeah, I don't think I can do it again. Nope. I don't think I'm ever gonna get over this one. Man, I'm excited for Saturday night. Yeah, totally. I'm gonna rub some mentholated balm all over my balls. Just like in the history books. You remember that? You guys will be pleased to know that I've ironed out a few of the kinks. I've run like 10 simulations, with no indication of a comedown. People will be dodging your protruding chins all night long, I promise you. And I'm looking forward to introducing you guys to Louisa. Who is Louisa? What happened to Rachel? She just didn't really have the stomach for this. How do you get through all these women? I can't even get through one. Come on, you've got a date with Lisa tomorrow, right? Yeah, another disaster waiting to happen. I have lost all my confidence. I've had surgery that was more fun than that last date. Seriously. Well, she's giving you a second chance. There's gotta be something there. I don't know. The whole thing reeks of a pity date if you ask me. Well, Supplies, you're the master of manipulation. Can't you jambalaya up some sort of cocktail here that'll make old Stomach me boy turn from this freakish, awkward, lumpy weirdo into like Mr. Hot Chips McGinty? Well, there is something, but it's not really meant for... Oh yeah, whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa, hold on. Getting fucked up recreationally is one thing, but screwing with my core personality is something else. I mean, what if I start talking shit again? Well, you don't really have any choice, do you? You wanna have a multi-pants fiesta with this senorita, right? So, Mason, hook a bumbling boob up. Well, if, if you're, if you're fucking with my personality, let's tweak him too. Like really? How do you improve on this? - Womp womp. - Well you're always so together, offering your questionable wisdom. What about something that'll make you lose control? Well I have never lost control, and I never will. Uh, I assure you that you can. I can give you something that will tweak your amygdala and your basal ganglia and you'll have a new-found sympathy for people with compulsive disorder. And what's wrong with my advice anyway? It's like the advice you'd get from a used car salesman. Well you're still alive, aren't you? Okay. Okay. Well, give the control freak an itch he can't scratch, and I will take the confidence pills. Hey Hyman. Glad you could make it. Lisa, hey, it's uh, it's great to see you. You, you look amazing. Well uh, thank you. I hope you don't mind. My friend Claire was at the bar and wanted to meet you. Ah well, with a friend as pretty as this, of course I don't mind. It's nice to meet you, Claire. Such a charmer. Bet you're like this with all the ladies. Not usually. You okay, Hyman? Never better. I feel like a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders this week. Let me get you some drinks. Uh, could we get your most outrageously expensive bottle of champagne, please? We're, uh, we're celebrating tonight. Yes, of course, sir. What are we celebrating? The fact that we're alive and that we've got good teeth. I think we should celebrate that every day. Don't you think? I like your attitude. Ah! To life. May it surprise us each and every day. To life. To life. And teeth. So Hyman, what do you do for a living? I am a pediatric dental assistant. I help pull kids' teeth out. Ever since the new law we've been getting a lot of work. New law? Nowadays when you're 12, kids get all their real teeth removed and replaced with synthetics. It makes a lot of sense when you think about it. They'll last a thousand years. They never decay, and they keep the disease at bay. And I get to use the gas. I, uh... Would you lovely ladies excuse me for a second? Of course. What are you doing here? Just couldn't resist seeing my suave little guinea pig in action. How do you feel? Gotta give it to you, I feel great. I don't feel like I'm on drugs, but all the self-doubting voices are gone. I feel so sure of myself. You could make a fortune off this. Yeah, well, it's still early days my friend. There may be some small side effects. Let me know if anything unusual happens. Unusual? Like what? Oh like aches, pain, rectal bleeding. What the fuck do you mean rectal bleeding? Some of these compounds have been known to cause it. You'll be fine, don't worry. But take these in case you need them. He's so sweet. Where'd you meet him? He's so different tonight. I don't understand it. He lives in my building. He's normally so shy and awkward. To be honest, I was only going on a date with him because I felt sorry for the guy. But he's like a different person tonight. Maybe he's had a few pills to loosen himself up. No, drug-induced confidence is usually easy to spot. Seems for real. Sorry about that. I just, I, I spotted a, a friend that I've not seen in years. Let's uh, come on, let's, let's dance. Doing all right? Looking a little nervous there, buddy. I hate these tests. I was never a superstitious person until all this happened. So now I'm wearing red underwear because apparently it's good luck. You can't change what's already happened, all right. No underwear is that powerful. Not even mine. If it is going to happen, it's going to happen, right? Like think about it like this, okay. That dog out there, it is never going to understand mathematics. You follow? - Right. - Right right right. And just like that dog, you and I will never understand the universe. Right? Well, right. The universe cares as much about us as it cares about the bacteria that we just crushed with our thumbs. Not at all. Times like these, I think it's better to have your bases covered. Jesus, Allah, red underwear, I'll try anything. Yeah, well those are all the same thing, so that's a really good idea. Well yeah but it's... No no no, it's a great idea. Raul Alvarez. You're clear. We'll see you in three months. Adrian Carter. You need to dry your hand. It's sweating too much and it won't scan. Okay, you're good. Shows you're high risk though, so we'll need you back in two weeks. Uh, I know. Thank you. Knock knock. Careful, I don't wanna take your head off with this. Uh, it's okay, I don't think your virtual swing is quite powerful enough to penetrate reality. Sorry, sometimes I forget these things aren't actually real. What can I do for you, Adrian? Uh, well sir, we had a conversation last week about a certain, uh, pick-me-up. I spoke with my buddy Mason about it and he gave me these. One of my friends said that these spice things up like a real fantasy. Really? Thank you so much, buddy. How many do I take? Oh, just one. Any side effects? No, absolutely not. Oh. In the spirit of mutual back scratching, why don't you take the rest of the afternoon off. You were tested today, right? Go home and rest. Go visit your grandmother or something. I'm sure she'd appreciate the visit. Uh, thank you, sir. No, thank you. Adrian, my love. What's next? What do you mean, grandma? Does my story just end? Hey, that's enough of that talk, all right? Tell me what you think. I wanna know. I've been thinking about it quite a lot. You mean do I think there's an afterlife? I don't know. I guess there's some fundamental balance to the universe. I'm sure now there's just nothing. Can you imagine nothing? I feared it at first, but under anesthetic during the surgery, there was nothing. No passage of time. I simply didn't exist. It was purity. The amazing simplicity of nothing. You, me, awake, dreaming. Living. Dead. It's all the same thing when there's nothing. Every situation is a number. On their own they're pure and simple. As we move through life, situations grow in complexity. The numbers get tangled into almost incomprehensible equations. But you can remove each number. Until you get back to zero. To nothing. Everyone has their own opinion. I say to them, oh, because you read a few books, you think you understand the universe? Philosophy is fine on paper, but wait until you reach my stage. Suddenly it means nothing. This is CHWT News. Half a million people are expected on the islands today in what organizers are describing as the biggest retro music event in history. Part of the month-long Retrosonic Festival, the event is focusing on the music of the 1990s, an era that many electronic music aficionados describe as the golden age of the genre. Headlining the event is DJ Sean Coronary, who rose to fame last year after winning the Ison Trophy for Best VR DJ of the Year. Temperatures are expected to peak at 38 degrees Celsius later today. Conditions that police and paramedics are describing as dangerous for anyone taking stimulants. EMS are stressing that party goers must practice responsible drug use. Be sensible out there today, people. This looks like it's gonna be one hell of a party. This is CHWT News. Look at him. His face all buckled up. He's gurning like he's got a mouth full of bees. People seem to be looking on with a mixture of concern and envy. Jesus, he doesn't look healthy. There he is. Hey, man. Where have you been, man? We've been looking for you for hours. This is just a pure rush, man. Everything is perfect. You guys, the music. Just look out there! We can do no wrong. No control, you know. Do what feels good. It's all chemicals, man. It's all chemicals. Is it possible to separate your emotions from the environment? Like, am I happy because something happened or was I happy already and whatever happened just like fit in with that? You get me? Like, I'm seeing things so differently now. It's like there's this clear divide. Can you imagine what it must have been like to be the first human being to achieve conscious thought? Like, imagine that. Was it, was it like a sudden thing, or was it like gradual? You know what I mean? And like, how would you manage that? How would you, how would you find any reassurance in somebody else? Because like, nobody else has any idea what you're going through. Whoa. What? I never realized how wide apart my eyes are. Let me see. They are so much wider than mine. That's fucked up. That's fucked up. Everything is fluid. Brain echoes of non-memories. Another successful poisoning. Jesus Christ. Considering we're 70% water, you'd think that shit would taste better. I can't do this anymore. I feel like there's an angry Scotsman inside my stomach. You say that all the time. All the time. You sound like a broken record. I swore I was gonna quit all this by now. You swear you're gonna quit all this every week. It's too late. We're in way too deep. Can you imagine what your life would be like if you'd never even taken drugs? I'd be saner. I'd be unemployed. I'd be taller. Taller? Yeah. I think the drugs have made me shrink. How, exactly? Well either that or the world's gotten bigger and so relatively speaking I look smaller. You don't look any different. Guys. I, I think we're getting off topic here. Um what, what was the topic? I don't remember. Sound! You can't butter it! You can't butter sound? Good, good, here we go. Another philosophical statement from freaking Boromir, king of the dish racks. Frick. All I'm saying is you cannot take a piece of sound... Don't touch me with that. And spread butter on it and then take a little bite. A little bite, take a little bite. Of the piece of sound that you buttered. You, you, you know, you know what I mean. That's, that's the kind of genius that can only come from the misuse of drugs. All right, prove me wrong! Prove me wrong, come on! Hey, take it easy pal. I think you're getting a bit too caught up in this. Here, put your laughing gear around this beauty. Ow. Okay, okay, I want it now. I just thought. What? No, I just thought. Oh. So you said that you're from the zoo? Oh, no no no. Oh. Hey, wake up! No, no. - Come on, come on. - No, man, stop. What time is it? It's 2100. No way. Yeah. We slept for 13 hours. I haven't slept that good in ages. Yeah. Man, I don't know about you guys, but I actually feel pretty good. Yeah. My head's clear, no comedown. I think you got it right this time. We slept. No comedown, no paranoia. Wait. Where are Louisa and Sadie? What happened? You feel fine now but just wait. It'll get you too. Adrian. Can I see you in my office for a second? Yes, of course, sir. Okay. You okay, Adrian? You look a little, uh, green around the gills. Yeah, fine. Just a little, um, lingering nausea. Okay. I need to talk to you about those pills you got me. They were incredible! Unlike anything I've ever experienced. Really? Oh, well I'm glad they did it for you. Oh they did. Oh they did. I was wondering if you can get me any more. Uh, sure, why not? Excellent. There's just one more thing. They seem to give me a case of rectal bleeding, quite badly. Is that normal? I was thinking about just sticking a tampon up there next time, just in case, you know. You think that'll work? I'm in a bit of a scrape. I got some of those confidence pills off of Stomach. I gave them to my boss, now he's hounding me for more. Oh really? Yeah. I feel like I need to keep giving them to him too, because he keeps talking about it being good for my career. Meanwhile he's already bleeding out of his ass. Yeah, it'll do that. He doesn't even seem to mind either. Yeah, it'll do that too. Stomach's already asked me for 100 more. What? He's a changed man since he's been taking them. Fuck. The problem is they're tricky to get a hold of. That on top of all the tampons and shit. I'd like a bit more time to study these before we start pilling them out. Well can you at least give me like 10 more to keep my boss off my back? Okay, but just try to break the news to him gently. The supply isn't infinite, okay? Okay. What's wrong with you? I'm pissed. I thought I had the formula down this time, but the sea of vomit around the apartment says otherwise. Yeah. Two days of vomiting is a real test of character. I think the guys are getting a little wary of this whole guinea pig routine. I mean, you've really been putting us through the blender these past two weeks, man. Yeah, I know. It was so close. The next one has to be the one. Yeah, it's the next one. It's always the next one. I just don't know how much more paranoia, projectile vomiting, and rectal bleeding we can take in the name of science. Life. The shit gets everywhere. The usual, guys? No, we'll have six. Six Turkish. Rough night, eh? Yeah, extra salt and, uh, and lots of it. Thank you! Okay, think about it. Supplies, he always bounces back the quickest. He hasn't lost any weight. Seems like he's holding it together. Let's face it, we are fucking not! I don't know about you guys, but did you actually see him puke after the rave? Because we were like a bunch of garden sprinklers, and I don't think he was sick at all. So what are you saying? I'm saying that I don't think he's taking any of these new experimental drugs. He's either sitting this one out or he's not showing any of the same symptoms that we are. But he's fucked on the night. He's high, but he's not on the same stuff that we are. He's waiting until he gets the testing right before he takes it. I'm telling you, we are the guinea pigs, just us, not him! And I don't wanna be a part of this anymore! You know, he's starting to make a lot of sense here. I say we ask him to his face. Oh I don't know. He's a good guy. He's really passionate about this. Yeah, well, passion don't pay the bills. What bills? I don't know. It just sounded good. It did sound good. Yeah. Well, you gonna tell him? I don't wanna tell him. I'll tell him, all right. What's up, guys? All right man, look, I, I'm just gonna be straight with you, and, and I want you to be honest, okay. Did you take any of the last few trials? Because you seem completely unscathed by the entire experience and I, I mean, look at us. I'm really not feeling myself these days. Feeling a little out of control there, Advice? Compulsive, maybe? It's nothing I can't handle. Yeah, well luckily the human body's pretty resilient to the brain's stupidity. Okay, I guess what I'm saying is that we were supposed to be in this together, so if you're gonna chicken on us, I think we need to know, because if we keep going like this, something is gonna give! Hey, I don't know who ordered the tinfoil hats, but what's with the spastic inquisition? I knew it. It's written all over your face just like a big leprosy sore! Think what you want, all right. And maybe the last trials have been, well, trials, but the next one is gonna... It's gonna want? It's gonna make my hemorrhoids explode? No no no, it's gonna make me piss blood! I know, the next one is gonna make my head swell to three times its normal size! I mean, sure, I'll have to buy some new hats, but that's a small price to pay for a great night out, right? No no no no no! No! Find some other monkeys to poison! Hey, but uh, but don't think I don't need any more of those super stud pills, okay. I uh, got a lot of women to keep happy. Fucking hypocrite. Poisoner or pioneer? That's one small step for man. One fucking... Sangontina! That can be your word! Sh! Don't tell anybody though, it's a secret, okay? It's a secret. Little buggers are stealing my words, man. Don't let them take my words, man. It was nice meeting you, whoever you are, okay? Don't take my words. Oh hey guys. Looks like you're not really feeling the groove tonight. What's wrong? Ethanol not cutting it for you? No, we're, we're taking a break. You sure? All you have to do is say the word. What word is that? Fuck my head up. Yeah well, that's actually four words. Maybe in your straight little world. I think we're good. We're all sensible adults. We can enjoy the vibe without getting our heads messed up. Fine. So you guys know, I think I cracked the formula this time. You just have to know where to put the magic key. You guys don't know what you're missing. Isn't that right, honey? Magic key. The award for best psychoactive substance goes to Belushi's Toilet. The what? Doesn't sound very appetizing. Well, if you change your mind, you know where to find me. Who am I talking to? Am I hearing my own voice? Am I hearing my own thoughts? I'm not talking to myself. I thought I was listening to music, but the music is actually just the collective thoughts of everyone else here. Spores. You all right, man? We lost you there for a while. What the fuck? Yeah, you took the... man. Don't you remember? You're just... I'm... We all took the... It's been crazy, man. We were gone, totally gone. Like another fucking dimension. I've never felt anything like it. You're, you're starting to come down now. What happened? Here, drink this. You totally fucking lost it, man. You were screaming and spitting and, and, and plucking like a fucking mental patient! You scared the shit out of me, man! You fucking lost it! Okay, you're fucking losing it now. It's not helping. You just sit. You with us? What happened to you, man? It was like, it was like I was experiencing everything for the first time. I mean everything, like people, places, even like feelings and sensations, smells. No memory. No past, no future. Lost in time. I've had some life-changing acid trips before, but this is so much more. Whole lifetimes. I don't know, I can't, I can't explain it. You scared the shit out of me, man. Thank fuck you didn't take all four of them. I did not realize the inside of your head was such a fucked up place. Okay, let's, let's just get you off to bed. You'll be fine after some sleep. Listen. If you're really quiet, you can just hear them in the distance. I hear them. I can hear them! I'm afraid the news isn't good. The latest rounds of treatment showed some signs of working initially, but the decline in her health has suddenly accelerated. I'm sorry, Mr. Carter, but we're losing her. What went wrong? Nothing went wrong. Sometimes the drugs just don't work. Can you at least make it a pleasant experience for her? We're giving her the maximum dose of Opiaxa. It may not look like it from the outside, but it's one big party in her head from here on in. Stay with us, grandma. Oh, love. Is this, is this Heaven? I can see your, I can see your grandpa. Oh. And Uncle Thomas and his wife. Everybody's smiling. There's music playing. Dancing. Everybody's dancing. I think I'm in Heaven. You sure are, grandma. You deserve to be there. At times like this, it's difficult to find meaning and order in the chaos, but by just gathering here together, we can at least reassure ourselves that we are experiencing a chaotic universe together. Meaning and purpose are something we create for each other. I need to know what she knows. Did she really see Heaven or was she just so dosed up on drugs that she was hallucinating it all? After the anesthesia, she was content with the void of nothing, but then they pump her full of Opiaxa and suddenly there's an afterlife? Which is it? I don't know, let's just celebrate her life and try to get through today. Look at all the lives she's touched. People who gathered here today and the amazing stories they've told. Adrian, would you like to say a few words? Yes, yes. You sure you're okay to do this? I'm fine. Eva, my grandmother, your friend, always seemed content with the way she viewed the universe. She always seemed sure that there was no god, no afterlife. She didn't need faith in a higher power. She used to say, "Why can't being made of chemicals be amazing? "Why do we need the invisible to make us feel magical?" She was right. Marvel at what we are! All the individual pieces are actually quite simple. What works exists. What doesn't work doesn't. You could spend your whole life trying to figure it all out, getting nowhere, latch on to some convenient religion to make yourself feel better or accept everything for what it actually is. I'm no philosopher, but that always sounded good to me. Be a bit more selective about what you believe. Um, thank you, Adrian, for those kind words. Salt, anyone? How you holding up? Jesus fucking Christ! Hey man. Look, uh, I got something to tell you. Can you keep it to yourself? Yeah, of course. Okay. There's some really fucked up shit going on right now, okay? Know how Supplies is on this, like, fucking quest to find the perfect drug? Well, I beat him to it. - You did? - Yeah. Yeah. What the hell is this? It's uh, it's me, man, you know. Dead skin, fucking dried shit, powdered hair. Do a fucking banger line of that, pow, pow, condor to fucking Mars, man! You're getting wasted on your own waste? Yeah. It's a fucking compulsion, man. I can't fight it. Fucking Supplies trying to prove a point! Fuck. Yeah, well, you know, it comes with even more baggage than that. Fucking complex plots. I am so fucking positive that people are trying to steal my discovery from me. Look, see that fucking guy over there? - Yeah. - He's coordinating something. I don't know what it is, but it's definitely got to do with my dried shit. Look. I'm gonna feel a lot better about this if you just tell me you're, you're fucked up just like I am, okay. I keep seeing something. It's like a recurring dream, but I can't describe it. It's not an object. It's more like a feeling, but, but it's got a physical form. It's funny, I've convinced myself that it's imaginary, and then a second later I've convinced myself that it's real again. It's like, how do I forget so quickly? Everything moves in real time. It's gonna be all right. I got it, I got it, look. All we gotta do, ride it out. We'll just ride it out. But that's the thing. I don't think I want to. There, right there! Jesus fucking Christ! What are you doing, man? Keep it together! If you fucking blow this, we're all fucked! See? Nothing. Will you please take me to the fucking chill out party, man? I got nothing left. I'm worried. About what? I think the effects are wearing off. I'm not seeing things like they were. Goddammit, not this again, man. I'm serious. I had a real shift there. I was making progress. Whatever revelations you think you had were temporary, like every other time! Okay, the I've got it all figured out moment, it's just fleeting! There's no substance to hold on to. That's it. But I was holding onto it. For days. It lasted, but now it's gone. Why don't you take some of the Toilet? There's plenty left. No, shut up! We're, we're supposed to be here chilling out. Okay, that was the whole point. Look, look, we're on the home stretch. Can we all just fucking relax? Oh, I need some bitches! Goddammit, do I have to be dad here? Lie the fuck down! Who are you, Foreskin Gump, you fucking dummy? And you, you're too fucked up already! Don't take anymore drugs! You're just gonna make it worse, you fuck! Where's Supplies? He was supposed to be here by now. - No, no, I'm okay, thanks. - No? Do either of you got a boyfriend? - Yeah. - Yeah. Yeah? Because I'm looking, and listen, if you're with a guy... Uh, maybe there's someone over there. - Yeah. - There's someone over there? Maybe you can go check there. I don't know, I was looking over here and I liked what I... What's going on here? What's going on? I don't want any trouble, okay, listen. We were just having a conversation. Yo, that's my girlfriend and my sister! Look man, we were just... - Yeah? - Ladies, please! Don't worry, my love. Everything is working out exactly the way it should be. I think you're in trouble. I see you've been doing a little moonlighting. It's now how it looks, sir. How it looks is a huge list of hazardous substance violations. Stealing from the company, synthesizing compounds for your own personal use, not to mention administering untested drugs without a full trial process. I had to bend a few rules to get some results. You know how slow progress has been lately. I'm sure you're aware, if this gets back to the CDLA, it'll be my ass in a sling, and my ass is too old to be slung, if you get my meaning. Let me put it this way. In a world where people look after their own interests, it's best to look after one's own interests. Wouldn't you agree? Uh, yes. Good. You're fired! Nobody's really in control of anything. I think I first realized that when I was masturbating when I was 12 years old. Life is just one big chemical reaction, and your consciousness is just along for the ride. I can see the synchronicity of life, the way everything meshes together with a predetermined order. The inevitability of it. The non-chaos of it all. If you stand in exactly the right spot at exactly the right time and look in exactly the right direction, you will see something amazing that no one else will ever see again. It's the little things. Jesus, man! I thought you were someone else! So did I! I've been having problems. Here, you understand? Conceptual problems. You've been having problems? I got so many fucking people trying to kill me, I'm losing track of who's who! Yeah, seems recreational drugs are not quite so recreational anymore. Turn that fucking thing off, okay! Is this door strong enough? Okay, we gotta fortify! We gotta fortify this place, man! Here, fortification, fortification. Jesus Christ, ah! Okay, fortification, fortification. This is good, good good good, good idea. This is good. Okay. Oh, Jesus Christ. I've been having some, some problems with reality. So here, look, look at this. I wrote this note. I wrote this note, okay? And it says, it says logic still exists, even if you can't perceive it, right. And I thought, I thought, if at any point, you know, the fabric of the universe started to collapse around me, I could just pull it out and read it, and then I would know, I would know that, that everything is still going on. And it's just, it's just this is my brain misfiring, right? But, but, but the thing is, when I pulled it out, I looked at it and the words said they're definitely trying to kill you! This time it's real! Oh, it's like, it's like, it's like your unconscious and conscious mind are having this battle and you're, you're fucking kidding yourself if you don't think your conscious mind's winning! I am fucked unless Supplies can get more of those pills! You're fucked? We're all fucked! Don't you get it, man? No, we've had it easy. We've had it too easy! Just now, just now, now we're getting a real, a real taste of what real life is like, man! Oh god, it's obvious! It's obvious, isn't it? We're just, we're just psychotic chimpanzees at the mercy of these outdated instincts! Well, I'm bringing fear back. Oh, oh god. Oh, oh, do it. Get in. Yeah, do it. It feels organic. Yeah, nature's violence. You know, it's just one big perpetual meal, man. Animals eating other animals. Violence, sex, blood, meat! It's all of that! Do you know what? Do you know what really fucking pisses me off, man? It's just, just most people, they find the most basic aspects of our existence to be distasteful. Never trust anything with an anus. Stand clear, stand clear. Oh, man. You know, when I was a kid, I used to dream about being an adult, you know. And now, now I find myself longing for the simplicity of being a kid again. I mean, we have to take drugs to find that wonder, man. It feels like every, every fact that I learn, I lose just a little bit more of that magic. I just, I just need some peace of mind, you know. I don't think I'm the peace of mind sort. I'm more worried about Adrian. He's gone off the rails. Yeah. Yeah, I'll give him that. Guy took a fucked up universe and made it worse. It's easy to get confused. That's right. Isn't it? Yeah. The carnage! Oh. Oh, you do like that. I wanna push them together. You wanted to see me, sir? Ah, Adrian. Yes, uh, damn financial reports, taking forever to read through all that jargon. Sit. I've been hearing some troubling reports from your coworkers about your recent, uh, shall we say temperament in the office. What's going on with you? Your mind doesn't seem to be on the job. In fact, half the time I'm not even sure if your mind's in the same room as your body is. I've had some issues with reality. But it doesn't prevent me from doing my job. Well I'm the only one sticking my neck out there defending you, and for what? I'm seeing cut supply lines right now. We've had some, uh, issues with the source. Oh, issues with the source. Oh, okay, that makes a lot of sense. Fix it! Soon, please, before I start running out of excuses for you! Go get tested again and clean yourself up. You're starting to look like a tobacco head. I don't understand it. We've never seen anything like this. You went from nothing to a full-blown stage six case in two weeks. Nothing you could've done would've caused this. Hi, I'm so glad that you could make it. I'm sorry I'm so late. The alternate was a mess. You've done a wonderful job with the place. Thank you. How rude of me. This is Monica and David. They're our newest members. - Hello. - Hello. You don't need an introduction. I've been following your work for a long time now. Really? Here I thought nobody noticed me. Can't fly under the radar with things like this forever, my friend. David's being polite. Look, if you want investors, please, talk to us. We both think what you're doing could be huge. Think of it, oldest man alive today is, what, 140-something. Think of the possibility. Monica's right. Talk to us. Please. Well I'll certainly bear that in mind. Thank you for your interest. If you'll excuse me for a minute. Of course. If you're looking for the washroom, it's just at the end of the hall. I just love old house music, don't you? Absolutely. It's a mind thing, it's a body thing, it's a soul thing. Isn't that what they used to say? Something like that, yeah. I'm Ephedra. Ephedra, you mean like the drug? Like the drug, like the plant. My parents were big hippies. Well, it's better than being called Cocaine I guess. Yeah, you're definitely not a Cocaine. Thank you. I'll take that as a compliment. You should. So how do you know our hosts? Well we're old friends. We go way back. They really know how to throw a party. Any excuse, you know. I'd hardly call what you've done an excuse. It's the best reason to celebrate. My god, does everybody know? Word travels fast. I guess. You wanna get some air? Sure, why not? Well you've got my attention. I knew I would. Are you okay? Yeah. I must've eaten something that's disagreeing with me, that's all. You're gonna have to excuse me. Just hold that thought. Go. Feeling better? Yeah. Weird though. There's something growing on their bathroom cabinet. It's strange. They're usually very clean people. I'm sure it's nothing. Come on, let's dance. You can't go in there, buddy. You breathe in those spores, you'll turn into a woman. |
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