l`m very
honored to introduce
our guest lecturer today.
He graduated from here
about 15 years ago.
He `s gone on to a fabulous career.
I can `t think of a single
person who `s more qualified
or more adept at the final procedures
you`ve been studying lately.
Now you`ve learned the science,
now`s your chance to learn the art.
Students, Mr. Bernie Tiede.
Thank you, Professor.
Thank you.
It`s always an honor to be asked back
and I do it gladly because I feel..
if even one thing I
say or demonstrate today
helps you in any way as
you embark on your careers,
then everyone will have benefited.
You, those who are grieving,
and the deceased.
The nails have to be clipped,
shaped and brought back to life.
And you must cast the
nails to the person.
You wouldn`t want a mechanic
to have the nails of a flight attendant.
Would you?
It is very important to
remove any unwanted nasal,
ear, or facial hair.
We can never be too vigilant
in the Iookout for that
one stray rogue hair.
The eyes are often a minor problem
because they usually want to stay open.
It`s almost Iike they want one
Iast Iook at this miraculous world.
But with some Super GIue..
a Iittle dab will do you..
and it`s no more peeking.
Even though the features have
been set during the embalming,
you have to reassess and readjust
because of continuing
emaciation and dehydration.
Perfect expression of the mouth
would be relaxed, natural,
with a Iittle bit of a smile.
Can`t have him Iooking
unhappy to be there.
And we must always be on guard
for the mischievous lip drift.
Even the slightest hint
of teeth can be disastrous.
You cannot have grief
tragically become a comedy.
Then, after a foundation
mixed with massage cream
to prevent dehydration,
even out coloration,
then apply highlights.
Do not over-cosmetize.
Most of those who service the
deceased apply far too much blush.
Just a note to always remember:
too much color does not
make one Iook more alive.
The last detail to be managed
is the deceased`s body position.
Left hand over the right,
over the umbilicus,
in an attitude of ease,
of repose, of retirement.
The position of the
head is oh so important.
Neither star gazing
nor navel gazing,
but perfectly centered,
turned ever so slightly to the right..
in greeting.
He`s now been cosmetized,
he`s ready to be dressed,
and casketed.
? Love Iifted me! ?
? Love Iifted me! ?
? Looove Iifted meee! ?
? I was sinking Deep in sin ?
? Off on the peaceful shore ?
? Buried deeply staying within ?
? sinking to rise no more ?
? But the master Of the sea ?
? Heard my despairing cry ?
Bernie was a very charismatic man.
A Ioving person.
And he had the ability to
make the world seem kind.
? Love Iooked at me ?
? When nothing else Could help ?
? Love lifted me ?
? Love Iifted me ?
Real good with people,
a real people person,
always had his hand
out, ready to shake it,
never met a stranger, good with names,
good with questions.
He could remember if your
daughter was at Texas,
and your son was at A&M.
He`d remember that and he`d ask
you questions about those kids.
Just made you feel real
good about yourself.
? When nothing else could help now ?
? Love Iifted me ?
? Souls in danger Look above ?
? Jesus completely saves ?
? He will Iift you By his Iove ?
? Out of the angry ways ?
? He`s the master of the sea ?
If the people in Carthage were
to make a Iist of those people
that they thought would get to heaven,
I am sure that Bernie would be
right at the top of the Iist.
? Love Iifted me ?
? When nothing EIse could help ?
? Now Iove Iifted me ?
His personality was,
just, Iike, magnetic, okay?
So people were drawn
to him all the time.
And because of that, that personality,
before too Iong, he was the
most popular man in Carthage.
? Love Iifted me Love Iifted me ?
? Looove Iifted meee ?
Carthage is in east Texas.
And it`s totally different
from the rest of Texas,
which could be five
different states, actually.
You got your west T exas out
there with a bunch of flat ranches.
Up north, you got them Dallas
snobs with their Mercedes,
and then you got Houston,
the carcinogenic coast
all the way up to Louisiana.
Then down south, San Antonio, uh,
that`s where the Tex meets the Mex.
Like the food.
And then in central Texas,
you got the People`s Republic of Austin
with a bunch of hairy-Iegged
women and Iiberal fruitcakes.
Of course, I Ieft out the panhandle,
and a Iot of people do, but..
Carthage..this is
where the south begins.
This is Iife behind the pine curtain.
And, and, and truth be
known, it`s a good place.
Carthage has such a good reputation
that it`s Iisted in The Best
small Towns of America, volume Two
as the best small town in T exas.
That`s right. Page 1 57.
Oh, hell, most people Iive in
Carthage because they were born here.
Carthage sits on what was once one of
the biggest gas fields in the world.
Back in the gas boom of the 40s and 50s,
a lot of people got rich around here.
Well, as I recall,
we were gonna get a lot
of the older people in town
Ieaving for the sweet hereafter,
and we got a Iittle
backed up in the cold room,
um..frankly, I was
Iooking for some help.
Bernie must`ve seen an ad or something.
He called from Louisiana and
I hired him over the phone,
not fully knowing what to expect.
These are our viewing rooms.
Oh, Iook at that, you`ve
got these partitions.
That`s so nice.
So, you got your associate`s
degree in Mortuary Science at State?
Yes, sir.
PIay any ball over there?
Uh, no no, sir.
I wanted to concentrate on my studies,
as much as I Ioved football and whatnot.
Now here`s our sanctuary.
It`II seat one twenty five.
Look at these green
benches. I Iove them.
Yeah, we changed those.
We had them normal brown for so Iong
and I was a Iittle worried
about this green. I don`t know.
People don`t complain.
I..I don`t either, I
think they`re great.
Oh, I hit the jackpot with that guy.
He`s the most qualified
young man I ever met.
He was excellent at removals,
an artist in the embalming room,
could fix hair like
nobody in the business.
Waited well on the families
in the morning parlor,
could sing like a bird.
He ran a funeral like a professional,
any aspect of the funeral business :
eulogizing, scripture reading,
singing..man, he could do it.
But most of all,
we `re gonna remember
Fred as our friend.
Our..really..close..friend.
? Amazing grace ?
? How sweet the sound ?
? That saved a wretch ?
? Like me ?
I`II walk you to your car.
You poor thing.
This is so hard.
It`s just so hard.
You`re very brave.
Here now.
Oh, honey,
he was a magician.
He made all of us just Iook beautiful.
I mean, he could make your
wrinkles all just go away,
and he would, if, if you had a overbite,
he`d fix it so it wouldn`t
be so sticky outie.
And he would, um.. take a
bouquet of small white roses
and put it in your hand.
I mean, he just made
everybody Iook so beautiful.
Except too bad you were dead.
It seemed Iike no matter
what happened to us,
whether it was car
wrecks or heart attacks
or household poisons, or guns Ieft
Iocked and Ioaded around the house,
or choking on a Iittle piece of meat,
in the end, he always made us Iook good.
Oh, you name the song, he`d sing it.
If country folks came in requesting
an old gospel, he`d sing it.
Or trailer trash came in
requesting Loretta Lynn,
he`d sing that, too.
But as great as Bernie was
at performing a service,
he was even better at sales.
If you pardon my reach, Mrs. Thompson,
this is a memory drawer.
It wasn`t bullshit, he really believed
that all those little
touches were necessary.
He even came up with this idea:
for 1 50 extra..
``Oh, that I had wings Iike a dove,
I would fly away and be at rest.``
At this moment, as the casket
descends into the ground,
we now release a white dove
symbolizing Mr. Callahan`s soul..
passing on to the next world,
to the mystery of the great beyond.
Yes, I agree,
that is a Iot of money
to put down in advance.
But there`s a right way and
a wrong way to approach this.
It was his idea to put up
more crosses on the wall
and change the lighting,
make it feel more like a
church or a sacred place,
Iess like a business or an office.
Were you thinking
interment or cremation?
I beg your pardon?
He means buried or burned.
Buried. We already have the plots.
I am so happy for you.
Can I tell you, I am
not fond of cremations.
I just don`t Iike the idea
of someone spending eternity
in something the size
of a motel ice bucket.
I`d just soon drop you in a ditch
by the side of the road.
Hey.
I want to keep it simple.
Yeah, this is..this is fine.
- I see.
- Yeah.
Now, these composite wood with
cloth we sell mostly to the county
to bury the unclaimed, the indigent,
and also no warranty, of course.
Warranty?
Oh, with our better caskets,
we, uh, guarantee that your remains
will be untouched by
rainwater, pesky insects,
burrowing animals searching for food..
AIso, now tall are you, Mr. Eccles?
About 6`2``.
Oh, dear.
These economy boxes are not very Iarge.
We may have to make a Ieg
adjustment to get a proper fit.
Leg adjustment?
Well, not necessarily break
the Iegs but definitely
- bend the feet..
- No! No,
I..I won`t have it.
Then may I suggest..
the Corinthian.
? Just as I am ?
? Without one ?
I`m pretty sure the first
time Bernie met Mrs. Nugent
was at the time of Mr. Nugent`s funeral.
? Was shared for me ?
? And that thou be come ?
Her husband, Dwayne,
he was just a tough old typical old man.
And he Iiked to do
business just a handshake,
He would say things like..
I`II
guaran-damn-tee yah..
He was some kind of exploration
guy with a big oil company
and he made a whole Iot
of money back in the 60s.
He was too tight to spend any of it
but he Iiked to invest his
money in everything he could.
? T o thee who`s blood can cleanse ?
? Each spot o` Iand ?
As a matter of fact, he even
bought a bank here in town.
I believe it was `87,
he bought the bank.
He run that sucker with a hard fist.
Just, I mean, he was kinda..
abrupt, and the way..
I appreciate it.
the way he done business and stuff.
Of course, then after he
died, well, then she took over
and she started having
a position that he had
and if it was said that he was kinda
disliked in the way he did business,
you`d have to say that
she was literally hated,
`cause that old heifer,
she turned down Ioans just for a hobby.
She was just a mean old hateful bitch.
Hey. There`s just no
other way to put it.
She wasn`t friendly.
She..she really wasn`t,
and she probably.. there
are people in town, honey,
that woulda shot her for
five dollars, ya know?
I mean, when you Iive in a small town,
you`ve got to be friendly
and nice to folks.
She would chew your ass
at the drop of a hat.
I mean, she`d rip you a brand new
three bedroom two bath double
wide asshole. No problem.
In the fourteenth chapter
of the book of John,
Jesus said, ``Let not
your heart be troubled.``
Well, I heard that she hadn`t talked
to her sisters in over 20 years
but when the mother died,
she was right in there fightin ` them
over quilts and chairs.
Can you believe that?
And one of the sisters even wanted
to donate land to the church,
but she interfered
because she didn `t want
the church to have it.
She didn`t Iike that pastor.
He wore Bermuda shorts on his day off.
Friends and Ioved ones..
Everybody in town
knew that Mr. and Mrs.
Nugent weren`t exactly friends
with their son Dwayne
Junior and his family.
He was a doctor out in Middleton,
almost never came to visit.
One of his daughters had
actually sued her grandparents
trying to get at the
money in that trust.
That made her so mad she never
spoke to any of them again.
Let us pray.
Marjorie Nugent. she was..
not a very nice Iady
and her nose was so high
she`d drown in a rainstorm.
Mrs. Margy, she was the kind of person
that I believe she was born old.
She was just born with this prune face.
That`s pretty much the
impression people got from her.
I got a buddy of mine, Louie.
He`s a decent fellow I work for.
Mrs. Nugent took a
broom to his ass one day.
Would you Iike me to get
up and do the back in there?
- Get out.
- Ooh.
Oh.
- Beautiful service.
- Thank you.
- I`II see you on Sunday.
- Thank you very much.
He was great
with the D-L-O-Ls.
That`s what we all called the
``dear little old ladies. ``
All the widows in town
had crushes on Bernie.
Just thought I `d bring you a hankie.
Oh, yeah, old Bernie.
H e Ioved to hug and
kiss on those older women.
At his age now, they were Iucky
to get the time of day from him.
Hi.
Hi, Mrs. Nugent, I just, uh..
wanted you to know I
was thinking about you.
- These times can be hard.
- Oh, thank you.
Okay.
I never asked him to do this and
he wasn`t getting paid to do it,
but he would always stop
by and check on the widows
after he `d done their
husbands ` funerals.
He just really cared about them.
I mean, that guy was just a sweet guy,
and they just Ioved him to death.
Room service.
Hi, l`m just dropping
by again, Mrs. Nugent,
to pay my respects.
I brought you some soaps
and a Iittle bubble bath
to soothe you in the tub,
and some chocolate cupcakes
for a Iate night snack.
Come in.
Oh! That..would be my pleasure.
In high school I wanted
to be an evangelist
to save the souls of my fellow students.
A Iot of them were
starting to drink and smoke
and ride motorcycles
and have premarital sexual
experiences and all that.
- Oh, yes please!
- Here you go, Bernie.
Thank you, Esmeralda.
When.
Miss Marjorie?
One time I got four teenagers
to re-dedicate their Iives to Jesus,
but eventually I realized I was meant
for other equally important things.
Oh, please, Bernie,
touching all those cold
bloated bodies. PIease!
Don`t you think you were
meant to do something more?
No, no, no, no, Mrs. Nugent.
It isn`t bad at all.
Their souls are already with the
Lord by the time I`m involved.
It`s just my way to serve
and show respect for the lives they led
and comfort all the Ioved ones
that they Ieave behind.
Well.
And some day, if I`m Iucky,
many many years from now,
I will give you such
a beautiful funeral..
with all the roses in East Texas.
I know it`II be the event
of the season in Carthage.
You know, I think
that Bernie was the one
that got Marjorie back to
church after her husband died.
Well,
I know the Bible says
Jesus turned water into wine,
but it didn`t say Iiquor store wine.
It had to have been non-alcoholic wine,
because it didn`t have time to ferment.
If Jesus could walk on the water,
he could make any kind
of wine he wanted to.
Fermented or not.
Right on the spot.
Morning, ladies.
Sorry to interrupt.
Mrs. Marjorie, it is so good to
have you with us this morning.
I just want to put a
bug in your ear now.
Many of you know we`re
hoping to start construction
on our new prayer wing soon.
Mmm.
Well, l`m hoping l can
count on a few of you
to join the fundraising committee. Okay?
Think about it, now. God bless you.
? This is
my story This is my song ?
? Praising my savior AII the day Iong ?
? This is my story This is my song ?
? Praising my savior AII the day Iong ?
? Perfect
submission Perfect delight ?
? Visions of rapture
Now burst on my sight ?
? Angels descending Bring from above ?
? Echoes of mercy Whispers of love ?
? This is my story This is my song ?
? Praising my savior AII the day Iong ?
Uh-uh,
no, we `ll take my car.
No, I insist.
Don`t be silly, Bernie.
Good, I`II see you Saturday afternoon.
I`m..I`m Iooking forward to it, too.
Okay, Mrs. Nugent, bye.
Oh, so sweet.
That was Bernie Tiede, the
assistant funeral director.
He`s very sweet and very nice to me.
Can`t think of anyone who`s
been that nice to me in 50 years.
Now, you!
You`ve got two minutes to
explain these accounts to me.
Or three minutes from now
I just might get myself
another stockbroker.
I can explain everything, Miss Marjorie.
It`s a very simple case of them
changing their accounting statements.
They changed their
formatting, it`s re-formatted..
in a different format.
Hey, listen.
I couldn`t help but hear
the end of that conversation.
I gotta tell you, Bernie,
you have got to be about
the bravest man in this town.
She isn`t all that
mean Iike everyone says.
Now you sure about that?
Well, she doesn`t have anyone, Don.
She`s a very Ionely
person. She needs someone.
I`ve asked her to
accompany me this Saturday
to the Van CIyburn Piano
Competition in Fort Worth.
Well, have fun.
Ain`t Iike she`s the
richest widow in town.
Hell, maybe she`II
even pay for everything.
- Don!
- Hey..
And if she does offer
to pay for everything,
order up a couple of them
bottles of Dom Perignon.
You get her Iiquored up,
you might get Iucky.
No, Don!
He sincerely believed that..
it was better to give than to receive.
Well, Bernie had a problem with money.
He was generous. some
folks say overly generous.
What he was was a buy-aholic.
And, uh..hell, he `d walk into a store,
seen something he
Iiked, he`d buy the store
out of every goddamn item he wanted
and give the shit away.
And that`s crazy.
But that Bernie, he Iiked
to make people smile.
He wanted friends.
Acceptance, I guess,
is what you call it.
And Bernie could do just about anything.
I mean, he could hang
wallpaper in people`s houses,
and I`ve never seen any man do this,
but he could make curtains for people
and he was the head honcho
for the Chamber of Commerce
Christmas decorating committee.
That`s a big thing in
Carthage, too, a big thing.
Bernie was really smart.
H e helped people do their
tax returns, you know,
financial counseling..
Anything that you pay for on the job
that the company, the oil company
doesn`t reimburse you for,
that`s a tax deduction.
So, for instance, Toby,
these work coveralls,
did the company provide you with these?
No, we got to buy our own.
Bingo. That is a tax deduction.
And how about your Iunch buckets
and your steel toe workboots,
they give you those?
- Why, hell no.
- That`s what I thought.
- You kidding
me? - Uh-uh.
That`s tax deduction
number two and three.
Thank
you, sheriff Huckabee.
You`re listening to KGAs,
the heartbeat of East Texas.
Now before we get to the
school cafeteria menu,
and the wedding
anniversaries for the week,
here`s Bernie Tiede from
Leggett Funeral Home.
Thank you, Jerry.
As some of you are already aware,
Mr. Harvey Gunnolds Ieft
this world all too soon
this past Wednesday after
a brief hospital stay.
I used to Iove having him on the air.
I mean, every Friday people
would tune in just to hear Bernie.
And when he did the obituaries,
it wasn`t Iike a so-and-so was
survived by so-and-so kind of thing.
It was..Iet`s see if I can remember..
Left in sorrow to mourn the
passing of the beloved Mr. Gunnolds
are Mima Gunnolds, his mother, Georgia..
And the way he would make
them ``Iook good`` in death,
well, he`d make them sound good, too.
Like Gunnolds was a drunk,
always startin` shit wherever he went.
He finally got himself
killed in a pool hall.
Now how do you say something
nice about somebody Iike that?
Well, to Bernie, it
was, ``He was known..``
..for his social engagements and his..
conversational abilities..
A kid would wrap his car around a tree
and with Bernie it was..
..and yet, death slipped
up on young Mr. Shotwell,
as gentle as a fallen mist.
What happened?
I regret to inform you
that four of your classmates
have just been killed.
Now this is gonna happen to you
if you drink and drive.
Is this what you want to happen to you?
It didn`t
make no difference what it was
or who ask it, if it was
good for the community,
Bernie `d give it all he had.
All the time.
He was very serious about
his commitment to Carthage.
Life is so beautiful,
every moment a miracle,
and yet in a blink it`s gone.
T oo young.
T oo young!
Oh, he really had a way of
bringing the community together.
Not just at the funerals
and at the church,
he organized a ``Beautify
Carthage`` campaign,
and he put on the very first
East T exas art festival
and invited artists from
all around the region
to display their works.
Are these all..?
I`m sorry to stop you, are
these all done with that..
the, uh, what`s that called?
It`s all chain saw.
How do you do that?
I wake up in the morning with an idea
and cut away everything
that ain`t that idea.
Can I talk to you at some time?
- Do you have a card?
- Yeah.
Because I have an idea I
would Iove to commission.
I don`t know if you work that way, but..
Look at that card, he
put it on a piece of wood.
- I`m gonna call you.
- AIright.
- You`re a gem.
- Thank you.
Thank you. Okay.
- See you Iater.
- Bye.
Oh, yeah, Bernie took her everywhere.
He took her to the Van
CIyburn Competition,
took her up to the junior college
to see some of the rehearsals of shows
that he was working on.
Oh, yeah, he always had Mrs. Nugent.
? I`ve never Been in Iove before ?
? Now all at once it`s you ?
? It`s you forever more ?
? l`ve never been In love before ?
? I thought my Heart was safe ?
He had come to
a production in a local theater,
and he thought it could be better
so he volunteered to help out
and pretty soon he was the
musical director for one show,
a director in another one,
and an actor in almost all of them.
He just had a real knack for drama.
? PIease forgive this
H elpless haze I `m in ?
? I `ve really never been ?
? In Iove before ?
??
? l`ve
never been In love before ?
? Now all I want to be ??
I saw them at a restaurant one time.
They was out to Iunch together, and he
reached over and kissed her on the cheek.
But it wasn`t a kiss Iike you
give your momma or your grandma.
It was more of a romantic,
sexual kiss to me, you know?
He had that graoning sound in the back
of his voice. It was kinda strange.
It just didn`t Iook right to me.
The word was it wasn`t
a week after the funeral
Mrs. Nugent gave Bernie Mr.
Nugent`s $1 2,000 Rolex watch.
Hell, for that kinda money,
I bet he did kiss her.
In a small town, people will always
suspect the worst of someone.
But they`II also suspect the best.
So we just thought they were companions.
Look, it was widely assumed
that Mrs. Nugent was paying Bernie
to ``accompany her`` places.
Oh, I`d estimate they spent
nearly a hundred thousand
a year on vacations.
They went to Russia,
Acapulco, New York City.
They went to Europe on the Queen Mary,
always first class, always some spa,
some resort, some..sittin` in some
hot spring mineral peeling water bath.
Margy
looked so much better.
You see pictures of her
on these trips with Bernie.
she had nice hair, she looked good,
she seemed happy,
and she had Bernie to thank for that.
Marjorie realized she had
everything in front of her.
she could do anything
she wanted in her life,
and she wanted to travel.
Money was no object
but unfortunately, she
had no friends or family
that she wanted to travel with.
Until she met Bernie.
Hey, I `II tell you one thing for sure.
On that trip to Belize,
they stayed in the same room.
And you know damn right well
they saw each other in their underwear.
And I know for sure
that when she went to Shreveport,
to get some sexy Iingerie
at Doris` Iingerie shop,
she got herself a see through nightgown
that showed her breasts.
I mean, give me a break.
What is a woman her age
wanting to do showing her boobs?
Seriously.
Disgusting.
Bernie was a Iittle effeminate.
I mean, an unmarried
man in his Iate 30s,
going to all the musicals with
a bunch of old blue-hairs..
Ah! You know, I heard that he was gay,
but he was such a good Christian man,
everybody thought, you
know, how could that be?
That dog don`t hunt. Nah.
There was always talk about Bernie being
a Iittle Iight in the Ioafers but..
I always thought he was celibate.
He was a nice-Iooking man and there
were Iots of girls in the community
who would`ve Ioved to
have a date with him,
but he never seemed to
show much interest in that.
He stayed busy all the
time and was working.
He had a tendency to hold on
to another man`s hands, touched
too Iong after shaking it,
and he had a subscription
to men`s fitness magazine.
Now if you`ve ever seen Bernie
Tedie, you know darn well
it wasn`t for the workout tips.
And when you see him around town,
if he wasn`t at the church or
at work in the funeral home,
he would always be where we these
doggone hemmed, starched shorts.
With his belt Iine.. above the navel.
And the kicker is he
always wore sandals.
Our Lord and Savior always wore sandals
and he never married.
And he had 1 2 disciples
and I don`t think any
of them ever married.
And the apostle Paul, he
was a Iifelong bachelor.
And you never heard
anybody in the New Testament
say that they was a bunch of queers.
No.
No, he had homosexual relations.
I know that for a fact.
This ain`t San Francisco,
so around here we got a Iot
of ``closet homosexuals.``
And I know of at Ieast two men
that he had relationships with
that were heterosexual.
Were.
Now one of the main things
and why I have this job,
and why I feel like l`m good at it is,
you see, l`m naturally suspicious.
Sometimes I find myself waking
up in the middle of the night.
I`II be staring off
out through the backyard
into the woods and I..
I`II be thinking about
all the crime and mayhem
happening out there,
and that`s..that`s when I start
putting it together in my mind.
I stop the criminal.
I wait, I watch,
and I Iisten.
When the time`s just right..
that`s when I pounce.
Ain`t nothing I enjoy more
than the sound of a criminal
that`s just wriggling
on the end of my hook, hey, you know,
and folks Iike to see the D.A. at work.
But no county ain`t gonna hire a D.A.
who doesn`t know that
this is a full time job.
AII the time.
One thing Danny Bucks is good at
is getting Danny Buck re-elected.
And he gets his Iittle
photo ops in the paper,
busting up the copper
rings or the hub-cap rings,
or the meth Iabs, but in slow times,
Danny Buck be out digging up some shit.
Let me show y`all something.
You`re gonna Iove this.
I call this my wheel of misfortune.
Now what I`ve done is,
I`ve assigned numbers
to all the suspected
drug dealers around here.
If your number comes up,
number eight, Danny Buck`s
come to get you first.
And not one of you dope
pushers is gonna get away.
Not one.
The best trick I ever pulled
is the time I arrested
five deadbeat dads
all at the same time.
You see, I was having
trouble finding them.
Actually, what I did is I used the
annual hands on a hardbody contest
the one at the Dodge dealership on 79?
People were standing
around for days and days
with their hands on the pick up truck,
and the last one with their
hand on the truck wins it.
What I did, is I got a rig
where they invited these five dads
who aren`t paying child support.
I figured the idea of a new truck
might get `em to come out of hiding.
Did it work?
You bet your butt it did.
Hey, get him!
I think we`d Iike to move
some out of financials
and into technologies,
maybe a Iittle more Apple.
And we`d Iike to get a thousand
shares of Tommy Hilfiger.
I got a sneak-a-peek at
the new Iine for the..
What is this ``we`d
like to``part, Bernie?
What do you know about
stocks and investing?
Let me remind you: you bury people.
You`re a mortician. You`re
not an investment advisor.
No one uses the word
``mortician`` anymore, LIoyd.
It`s ``funeral director.``
Or in your case
assistantfuneral director.
We just thought you were being a Iittle
conservative with Marjorie`s account.
Hello? LIoyd?
He hung up. Whoa.
No.
Something crawled up his butt.
This is LIoyd.
LIoyd! Don`t you ever, ever
speak to Bernie Iike that again,
or I`II be moving my account.
I`m sorry, I got a
Iittle frustrated and I..
Don`t be sorry, just don`t do it.
Well.
I have
a son and four grandchildren
some of whom have threatened to sue me
and have actually sued me
and none of them visit or
appear to care about me.
Also my son is a physician
and amply provides for his family.
For the reasons stated,
I am not including them as
beneficiaries under my will.
I give, devise and
bequeath my entire estate,
real, personal and mixed,
onto Bernhardt Tiede the
second, outright and simple.
T o Iife.
Oh, thank you, Crystal.
H ere you go.
Cheers.
Give pills, give me my pills, Bernie.
Pardon me?
You know I have to take
my pills before eating.
You were supposed to bring them,
so where are they? Give them to me.
I`m sorry, Marjorie, there must
have been a Iittle misunderstanding.
I`d be happy to go to
your room and get them.
Excellent!
Okay.
Okay.
she put his
name on all her bank accounts,
and then she gave him
a power of attorney,
which meant he could spend
her money any way he wanted to.
And he did.
Been on the Iine for a while.
Won`t Iet go.
Hello, Marjorie, I..
I`m sorry, I`m sorry,
I thought I told you
what I was doing this morning.
Well, I don`t have my phone on
while I am up there. You know that.
I`m sure we won`t be Iate for Iunch,
but I`m on my way.
Okay. Bye-bye.
- This is my Iife.
- Okay.
Somewhere along the way,
Mrs. Nugent convinced Bernie to
go to part time at the funeral home
and go working full-time for her.
She got rid of all the usual help
and it was just Bernie.
He was her business
manager, travel companion,
her servant.
Bernie! You should`ve
been here hours ago!
But we still have time. We`II
be there on time, Marjorie.
I need you to go by the
cleaners and pick up my dress.
Now I`ve got to wear something else.
You fooling around with those
damn planes all the time, Bernie.
I told you I was going to be..
Okay, you told me. What
good does that do me?
Things change and I needed you here.
And because you never Ieave
your cell phone on all the time,
this is a pager.
You`re going to wear it on your
person at all times, correct?
- Correct.
- Go get me a dress.
- Okay.
- Hurry. Hurry.
Hurry, hurry. Hurry, hurry.
Ugh.
Marjorie, please.
I can understand chewing
each bite of some food
but I don`t think you have to chew
your refried beans that many times.
It doesn`t really make sense.
It`s unnecessary additional
work for your jaws.
Think of your poor TMJ muscle.
It can`t be good for it.
It`s inefficient. Think about it.
You this drives me crazy. PIease stop.
This is Iike nails on a chalkboard.
Okay, go ahead, chew Iike
that, chew Iike that all day.
Ah!
Well, Bernie was so nice,
so accommodating,
so willing to keep from
hurting other people`s feelings,
he just couldn`t tell
anybody to piss off.
Bernie, l`m still waiting.
Would you rather hear
``Drama in Real Life? ``
``Tips for Better
Summer T omatoes`` or..
Tips for Better Summer T omatoes.
``The best summer tomatoes..
she was demanding,
condescending,
even conniving.
And she had intentionally put
him in a dependent position.
She was jealous of his time,
envious of his community status,
and..overly generous to him.
So as to make him stick around.
so you just show
people around the boat?
All around the boat?
Yeah, I give tours.
And I bartend in the captain`s cabin.
- Oh, you have a Iot of jobs.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
You`re a jack of all trades.
It`s good though. The money`s good.
Not bad. And you get
to see the world, right?
- Yeah, we do.
- That`s cool.
- Yeah.
- Marjorie?
This is Kevin who works here.
Hello, Mrs. Nugent.
Bernie, we`re scheduled to be there now.
- I`m ready. Okay.
- Be still.
Okay. Do you want me to get this?
- Stop asking questions.
- Okay, you got it.
- Thank you.
- Good, good.
- Let`s go.
- Thank you.
- Let`s go, Iet`s go, Iet`s go.
- Nice talking to you.
- See you, Bernie. -
Yeah. Okay, bye-bye.
Okay, you
want to Iook right down the Iens
and say ``Egypt. ``
Egypt.
Okay.
Okay, everybody, Iet`s work on the
arrival of the Wells Fargo Wagon.
This wagon has all of
our instruments on it
so we`re very excited about it..
Uh-oh, hold on.
Grrr. So I want to have
a pulse on each beat,
and I want to have everybody`s
eyeline on the horizon
going Iike this and I
want some people to do this
because everyone`s doing this right now.
It`s Iooking a Iittle too uniform, okay?
One, two, three, four and oh!
And ho! That`s it. Okay.
Very good, relax the pose.
This is only going to take a second.
If I don`t call her, she
will give me Iiving hell.
Hello, Marjorie, how are you?
Mm-hm. Can I bring you anything?
Can it wait till right after rehearsal?
We got another 40..
Okay, right away. I`II be there.
Bye-bye.
Can you clean this up?
I have to go right away. Thank you.
How`s it going, Carl?
OId Mrs. Nugent just fired me.
What happened?
She said I stole a Iawn mower.
Snuck it out to my place in Niggertown.
What?
Why does she think that?
Oh, she saw me Ieave with it,
I was taking it to get it fixed.
Let me talk to her, okay Carl?
Don`t go getting a new job just yet.
Okay. But I ain`t going back up there.
Not today anyway.
I don`t blame you.
I will get to the bottom of it
and I will call you back. Okay?
So sorry about this.
AIright.
Oh, you just pop up whenever
it`s convenient for you!
Just when you think it`s fine for you,
you come! Well, fine fine, fine, fine!
What happened with Carl?
I got rid of him! I
caught him red handed!
God knows what else he`s
been stealing from me, Bernie!
He says he was gonna get it fixed.
- That`s what he says.
- Well, I don`t think Carl..
And those flowers he`s
supposedly planted,
they were supposed to
bloom two weeks ago.
He`s a Iazy good fer nothin`.
The man`s never done anything!
I don`t think that he would
ever do anything Iike..
Why are you stickin` up for his kind?
Marjorie, you`re making it
very hard to be your friend.
I`m gonna come back some other time.
Oh, just go ahead, desert me.
Just Iike everybody else, go
ahead, go ahead, go ahead, go ahead.
Go, go, go! You hate me!
Marjorie, I am not going to take part
in this argument. You know.
- I know you hate me!
- No!
Like everybody else!
Oh.
Basically, it was like
Bernie became her property.
You`II never Ieave me. Never.
He was her sole source of entertainment,
had to do everything for her.
I truly believe the guy felt
he was smothered, choked,
unable to get his wind.
I don`t know how the guy stood it. Well.
Come on, just pull the damn trigger.
I don`t think I can. It
doesn`t feel aimed right.
Look, Iook, all I want
is for you to shoot that armadillo
that is digging up my garden, okay?
I mean, is that too much for me to ask,
for you to be a man
for once in your Iife?
Fine.
Now I`m holding you responsible
for anything getting
dug up in my garden.
Okay? You go out and
fix those holes yourself.
Dig one you can fit in.
Let me see.
Did you go by the cleaners
to pick up my dress?
Yes, earlier.
Did you Iysol my kitchen counters?
Mm-hm.
Did you pick up the
Preparation H from the pharmacy?
No, but I figured we`d go by there
on the way to Iunch. Do you still
want to go to Jalape?o Treat?
- I guess.
- Okay, hold still.
Jeez.
Will you be attending
our dress rehearsal tonight?
No.
Marjorie?
Marjorie, are you okay?
Marjorie, say something to me.
Marjorie, can you talk to me?
Marjorie, can you say something?
Oh no, no, no, no, no!
Oh, Jesus, no, no, no, what have I done?
Oh, God! What have I done?
PIease tell me what to do!
I`II do whatever you want me to do!
? Seventy six trombones
Led the big parade ?
? With a hundred and ten
Cornets close at hand ?
? They were followed by Rows and
rows of the Finest virtuosos ?
? So is the cream Of every famous band ?
??
? Seventy six trombones
Hit the counterpoint ?
? While a hundred and ten
Cornets blazed the way ?
? To the rhythm Of
march! march! march! ?
? AII the kids began to march ?
? And their marching
Still right today ??
Great job, everyone.
It seemed Iike the
flags were a Iittle Iate,
also I want to make sure
that those fleahops are right.
Now I got off that time
but I feel Iike I got off
because one of you got off.
But it was a really great job.
Take five, we`re gonna
take it again from the top.
I don`t think too many of us
ever asked very many questions
about Mrs. Nugent, and if we did,
he would always have a
very plausible explanation.
Hello, Billy, this is Bernie Tiede
calling on behalf of Mrs. Nugent.
Yes, yes, she missed her
holiday haircut appointment
but she`s asked me to tell you
that she won`t be coming back in.
She wants to try someone else.
Well, I`m sorry to say this
but she says that you take
too Iong and charge too much.
Billy, I`m sorry, but
I`m just the messenger.
I was rather devastated at the very idea
that she was not coming
anymore after 30 years
of being her friend, hairdresser,
confidante sometimes,
and she just was gonna vanish.
It was easy
for her to disappear.
Nobody was looking for her.
Not her son, not her two sisters.
One of them lived here in Carthage.
They hadn `t spoken in about 1 0 years.
You want to sign this for Mrs. Nugent,
our generous benefactor?
Only person Iooking for
her was her stockbroker.
Oh, God.
Hello?
Bernie? Bernie!
Wh..where`s Marjorie?
I..I..I haven`t spoken
to her in over five weeks,
I`ve Ieft 1 1 messages.
She`s with me right now, LIoyd,
and I`m sorry I
couldn`t tell you earlier
but she`s had a series of small strokes.
I`ve been meaning to call you
and Iet you know her situation.
Mm-hm. No, she should not
be attempting to talk. No.
No, you can`t talk. The doctor said..
She`s indicating for me
to tell you hi from her.
He sends you all his best.
Okay, well,
we`II be in touch when
she`s feeling better.
In the meantime, Iet me know
if I can help you with anything. Okay.
Okay, bye-bye.
Bernie knew better
than touch my accounts.
But he was going after what
would go into her bank accounts
because that`s where all
the royalty checks went.
It`s usually 50,000 a month.
Now he really started being generous.
He paid 5,000 dollars for the Shreveport
orchestra to come over play the Messiah.
He bought a high dollar
harpsichord for school.
He paid for the choir to go to Russia.
Well, yeah, he hired
me back for more money,
which is fine with me.
Oh, he bought jet skis,
he bought nine cars,
he bought struggling businesses,
he paid 40,000 dollars
for Carthage Awards.
That`s a trophy shop.
He loaned the money to
the Yokums over here,
that opened up Boot
scootin Western Wear.
I guess that was Carthage
`s answer to Neiman `s.
Bernie just told everybody to
pay him back when they could.
You know, pay me when you can.
But they never did.
Bernie knew my twin girls`
birthday was coming up,
and he thought they should have
a big nice playhouse, you know?
Little girls.
Bernie bought this
playhouse for my girls.
Oh.
Thank you.
Thank you.
I just feel Iike I need to say,
Bernie Tiede, God bless you, son.
You`ve done more to transform the
town of Carthage than anyone else.
- Oh, thank you.
- God bless you, Bernie.
Bernie could`ve bought a mansion
for himself with the money.
But he kept that little house
worth, maybe, 50, 000.
Now he bought cars for
folks that needed it.
And he paid cash for those.
But that old Lincoln he was drivin`?
He had it financed.
And he was usually
behind on his payments.
No, there really
wasn`t any greed in him.
AImost everything he
got from Mrs. Nugent,
he gave to somebody else.
LIoyd seems to be pretty concerned.
He thinks the family
should get involved.
Oh, good Iord, you gotta be kidding me.
I don`t know why LIoyd is so paranoid.
It`s Iike I told him.
She`s at the Scott White
Nursing Home in Temple.
She didn`t want everyone to know,
`cause she`s afraid
the family would come in
and try to take over her affairs.
That sounds just Iike Marjorie.
Mm-hm. That`s Marjorie alright.
- Mm-hm. - One
hundred percent.
You know, Bernie, she`s my sister,
and I guess that I should Iove her.
But she`s just mean.
She`s just hard down mean.
Mm. Well, there`s some
goodness in there, too.
She used to tear up my toys,
she pulled the heads off my dolls,
she used to tear up my homework.
And next up is Mrs. Ida Parker.
Ida says she does not
Iike knitting, crocheting,
gardening, cooking fancy food,
excessive housework, or artsy hobbies.
She`s planning on doing these
things when she gets old.
? Beautiful dreamer ?
? Queen of my song ?
? List while I woo thee ?
? With soft melody ?
? Gone are the cares of ?
? Life`s busy throng ?
? Beautiful dreamer ?
? Awake to my song ?
? Beautiful dreamer ?
? Awake unto me ?
??
? Beautiful dreamer ?
? Awaken to me ?
??
Thank you.
Thank you.
So you saw Mrs. Nugent
in April of this year?
You know, I believe it was April.
With your own eyes?
Well, you know, I didn`t
actually..see her that day, I..
I came to her house to get
her to sign some documents.
Bernie comes to the door,
says she`s feeling poorly.
Just then, he takes the
documents back and she signs them.
I go on about my business.
Okay. It confirms a pattern.
I appreciate it.
Well, it sounds Iike LIoyd Hornbuckle
called Wayne Junior up in Amarillo,
and got him all riled up.
Oh, boy.
You know, I think LIoyd`s just upset
because he`s Iosing
commissions during her illness.
He can`t move Mrs. Nugent`s money around
and keep taking his commissions
the way he`s used to, so..
It may be so, but Dwayne
Junior says his money
comes in every year for his
kids from his dad`s will.
It hadn`t come in this year.
And it won`t until Mrs.
Nugent`s in better condition
to take care of such things.
The poor Iady`s in the hospital
having suffered a major stroke.
She simply doesn`t want to be disturbed.
Tell everyone for heaven`s sake,
to please have a Iittle more patience.
Well, that`s fine with me.
I don`t want her disturbing me,
if you wanna know the truth.
I`m sorry you had to get
wrapped up in all this.
Oh, forget about it, LIoyd
Hornbuckle`s just a busybody.
- I`II see you Iater, Bernie.
- Thank you, Sheriff.
Hello.
You are Iiving
in a wold of guilt.
AII the police have to do
is find one shred of evidence
and it`s off to hell you go.
LIoyd, is that you?
LIoyd? Hello..
Bernie, are you okay?
Hm? Yeah, I just, uh..
Can I ask you something?
Of course.
It`s so strange.
Do you believe a person
could be capable of..
an action..
and yet to them it feels Iike
it`s not even them doing it.
AImost Iike Jekyll and Hyde?
Bernie, stop worrying, it`s okay.
someone`s personal proclivities
are nobody`s else `s business.
We all Iove you Iike you
are, Bernie, no matter what.
? Shackled by a heavy burden ?
? B`neath the Ioad Of guilt and shame ?
? Then the hand Of Jesus touched me ?
? And now I am No Ionger the same ?
? He touched me, Oh he touched me ?
- God bless you, Bernie.
- God bless you, Mr. Brown.
- That was beautiful.
- Thank you.
- You have a blessed weekend.
- God bless you too.
Thank you.
As always, Bernie, I Iove the songs.
- Thank you.
- My sympathies.
Thank you, MariBelle, it`s
always great to see you.
I`m so sorry Marjorie didn`t hear that,
I hear she`s doing better.
Yes, some days it seems she`s
starting to feel better but, um..
I`m still afraid..
I`m gonna Iose her soon.
Finally.
Nine months since I had last
laid eyes on Mrs. Nugent,
we got into her house.
Grandma?
Mrs. Nugent?
Grandma?
Nothing.
Hm.
There`s nothing.
Why would she tape her freezer shut?
Oh, my God.
sheriff!
Sir, I`m
a reporter for KCM channel.
Ma`am, hold on.
Would you care to make a
statement about what`s going on?
- Sheriff?
- Hey, Danny.
- In the freezer?
- Yeah.
AII in one piece or chopped up?
- AII in one piece.
- Holy shit.
Frozen Iike a Popsicle.
Be careful.
AIright, get rolling,
straight to Dallas,
no stopping for coffee.
- AIright.
- No sir, we ain`t stoppin`.
We had loaded up the
freezer with its contents intact
for transport to the Dallas
Medical Examiner`s office
where the forensic experts over there
are gonna study it.
At this time, are there
any suspects in the murder?
Oh, there`s one man in
particular I can think of
I sure would Iike to talk to.
Hey, Sheriff, did you
actually find him yet?
We`re still Iooking for him.
He wasn`t at Carthage aviation,
Carthage Awards or his house.
AIright, Iook..
we`re gonna throw a net over
the entire tri-county area
to find our number one suspect.
We might be dealing with a madman here,
a bonafide deranged killer.
Achieving goals, mastering skills,
the opponent isn`t the other team,
it`s really just yourself.
And if you`ve worked hard,
and done the absolute best that you can,
then no matter what the scoreboard says,
you are the winner in the game of Iife.
You can hold your head high..
Mr. Tiede, may we have a word with you?
Of course. Right now?
Sure.
I`m gonna go talk to the police.
Gentlemen, you have earned yourself..
a great dessert. Go, Rattlers.
I`m so proud of you.
This way.
How long you been
thinking about killing her, Bernie?
I never thought of me
killing Mrs. Nugent.
I`d..I guess I fantasized
about her death,
but I was never the
one responsible for it.
She always died accidentally Iike..
in a car accident or falling down
the escalator at the mall in Longview.
I was always the one
weeping by her open casket.
Comforting others,
being comforted myself.
Why`d you want her dead, Bernie?
Mm, she had become so
mean and possessive of me.
I..I couldn`t face being
around her any Ionger.
And then it just..happened.
I don`t know. I shot her!
I shot poor Mrs. Nugent four times.
With the armadillo gun.
Then what?
Well, then the Lord called her Home.
I know I done wrong and I
must atone for my sins. Oh!
EIizabeth, I just heard Bernie
killed your sister Margy.
Oh, honey, no.
Marjorie`s in a nursing
home over in Timble.
No, no, she is in a deep
freeze going to Dallas.
Nobody in a million years
could`ve imagined that
that could`ve happened.
Shock! I could not
believe Bernie did this.
No way.
Well, it was fucking unbelievable.
Nobody could believe it.
You know, I could see somebody
wantin` to do that to her,
but Bernie Tiede`s the Iast
person I woulda thought done it.
I mean, we were just shocked,
just shocked. Just disbelief.
The Bernie I knew was
somewhat of a sissy.
And it just ain`t no way
I can see him ever killing anybody.
I thought they`d made a mistake.
You got this sweet guy, you got Bernie,
who`s just the nicest
fella I`d ever met,
and I`ve known him for a Iittle while,
and then you got..Mrs. Nugent
who is not nice,
not nice to a Iarge degree, just evil.
So you got this sweetness
and you got this evil,
and they`re kinda
battlin` each other, uh..
and you know that something
at some point`s gotta give,
something`s gotta break
and she was justs more evil
than he was nice, I guess,
and he just exploded.
We`re all capable of that dark moment.
If we ever get angry enough.
He must`ve wanted to get caught.
AII he had to do was put her body
in one of his airplanes,
fly her out over the Gulf
and push her right out.
No body, no arrest.
A woman Iike that with a bad heart..
he shoulda just shoved the
pillow right over her face.
Then they probably wouldn`t
even done an autopsy.
A few days Iater, he`d
be doing her funeral.
Oh, I just started shaking my head
going, ``Oh Bernie,
Bernie, Bernie, Bernie.``
Who in their right mind
would kill their meal ticket?
It was crazy around here.
People were on Danny Buck
Iike ticks on a coon dog.
Yeah, Danny Buck, you
know Bernie didn`t know
anything about shooting a rifle.
He didn`t go huntin`,
he wouldn`t know a deer
blind from an outhouse.
That he wouldn`t.
There are not enough
nice men in this town.
Leave poor Bernie alone, Danny Buck.
We don`t even think he did it.
He confessed.
Danny Buck,
you knew Mrs. Nugent as
well as any of us did.
Did you ever stop to think
maybe, just maybe
Bernie did it in self defense.
Self defense.
Maybe it was a forced confession.
They could`ve beat it out of him.
He`s too sweet to stand
up under interrogation.
Look, there was no interrogation.
He walked in, sat down
and told us everything.
Simple as that.
Well, hell.
Even if he did do it,
she was so mean and ornery,
she had it coming to her.
It`s not as bad as people say it is.
He only shot her four times, not five.
You know what?
You people are as crazy as a coot.
I Iike Bernie Tiede as much as you do.
He did shoot her though!
I tell you what.
I don`t claim to know what Bernie did
or did not do.
I figure that`s between
him and God AImighty.
Mm-hm. And the way I figure it,
that`s where it should stay.
Man, I hope I`m on that jury.
Yes, we need to be able to forgive
someone who`s done something wrong.
And no matter what the truth is,
Bernie is going to need our prayers.
so, folks, we need to understand
that tragedies are
simply tests of our faith.
And right now, Bernie needs to know,
especially during this
testing of his faith,
that God and this congregation
have not abandoned him.
Good to see
you, thanks for coming.
Good to see you.
God bless you for everything.
Reverend. Now Iisten,
I understand you going all
New Testament on him but uh..
you got to at Ieast take
him off the prayer Iist.
Hey, I gotta stay neutral,
everybody needs a preacher.
Neutral?
Reverend, basically you were
supporting a criminal act.
You know, all I hear is poor Bernie.
Nobody`s talking about poor Marjorie.
Hell, everyone seems to be forgetting
that there`s a Iady, a
member of this congregation,
shot in the back four times
and put in the freezer.
Danny, the Bernie you`re talking about
is not the Bernie this church knows.
The heck it isn`t.
It sounds Iike the only Bernie
you`re choosing to remember
is the one that donated 1 00,000
dollars to your church. Reverend.
Danny, Iook, I`m sorry you feel that..
It`s been hard on everyone.
AIright, kiddos.
AII the good that Bernie
had done for everybody,
or for us around here, it just..
they come in, and then
it was gonna get all
Mrs. Nugent`s money back
that Bernie had spent.
We Iost our airport,
we lost our best store,
cars, some people lost their houses,
jet skis.
He spent 600, 000 dollars
of Mrs. Nugent`s money.
No paperwork, anything?
A receipt?
I don`t know, I mean..
he just gave it to me,
said I could have it.
Well, you know, at
least they could`ve left
some money for the church.
Hell,
Here they come!
Although
rumors have been circulating
about a possible plea bargain
to lesser charges or
a probated sentence,
District A ttorney Danny Buck Davidson
has shocked East Texas
by filing first degree
murder charges against Tiede,
which could result in a life sentence.
Clearly, the tiny town
of Carthage is buzzing
with opinions over the murder.
He didn`t shoot Mrs. Nugent in the back.
He didn`t do it.
Bernhardt Tiede ain`t no monster.
Ain`t no jury gonna convict
Bernie of first degree murder.
In fact, I don`t know
if a jury`s gonna
convict him of anything
and I `II say this, if
a jury as to convict him,
they`II probably gonna
give him probation.
They ain`t gonna send
him to the penitentiary.
In the meantime, Bernie
sits in the county jail
where he`s reportedly already become
a popular inmate
Ieading a Bible study group
and cooking meals for the staff.
Now, we are
going to line the bottom
of the pie dish with cheese
to provide a barrier between
the Iiquid and the crust.
Now a Iot of people use grated cheese,
but I found that if you cut it
in Iittle quarter inch cubes,
it does a better job of keeping
the crust from getting soggy.
Now, we are going to saut the
broccoli Iightly in olive oil
till it`s just bright green.
That keeps the flavor in.
If you put it in raw,
it`s completely flavorless.
I`m not saying we want
the case totally dropped,
but isn`t there some way to keep
Bernie from getting punished too much?
That`s $14.74.
So Iet me ask you something, Mrs. Beck.
If someone came along and shot
you in the back four times,
would you still be fine with me not
Ietting them get punished too much?
If I`m on that jury, Danny Buck,
I`m votin` to acquit.
As far as convicting Bernie,
I feed you straight. I mean, even
with the confession in my pocket,
I was a bit trepidacious.
I mean, it`s Iike he cast a
spell over the entire area.
AII the Iittle old Iadies,
Methodist church people,
anybody he`d ever given anything to.
With Mrs. Nugent`s money.
AII the closet homosexuals. Everybody.
Everybody thought he was gonna get off.
But I had one card left to play.
And I went all in.
Trials are generally moved
when the judge determines
that the defendant can`t
get a fair trial Iocally.
And that`s usually because the crime
is so egregious and so well known
that everybody in the
community has already convicted
the poor son of a bitch accused of it.
But in all the years I`ve
been doing this for a Iiving,
I have never heard of the state
seeking a change of venue
because the defendant was so well Iiked
that they couldn`t get a conviction.
So when I heard that the judge had
actually agreed to move the trial,
giving in to Danny Buck`s
harebrained request,
my first thought was, ``Oh, shit.
Our donkey`s in a ditch.``
??
Bring in the freezer.
Let the jury be able to see
where Mrs. Nugent spent the first
nine months of her afterlife.
A poor excuse for a casket.
Boys, make sure it opens up to the jury.
There `s some wild shit on
both sides of the courtroom.
But, you know, this was the big stage
the big town, the big show
they`d been waiting for
and they pulled out all the stops.
They wheeled in the actual deep freeze.
Mm-hm.
They projected pictures
of frozen dead Mrs. Nugent.
And then they started bringing
out the crying weeping relatives.
And then I went to the freezer.
And I saw
underneath her corn and her steak and..
her pot pies was..
the top of her head.
It was so horrible.
No further questions, Your Honor.
When was the Iast time you
talked to your grandmother?
Um, I don`t remember.
Isn`t it true that you and your brother
sued your grandmother
almost four years ago?
We were advised to by a Iawyer.
A Iawyer?
You mean, just some old
boy come in off the street?
Or are we talking about your Iawyer?
I guess he was working for us.
I`II say he was working for you.
He was trying to get your
grandmother`s money, wasn`t he?
Did you ever speak to her after that?
I don`t think so.
Oh, you don`t think so.
Well, you know you didn`t.
But you told us earlier that you
were real close to your grandmother.
Now was that the same woman
you were suing for money?
Is that the same woman
that you have not
spoken to in four years?
I felt in our hearts
we were still close.
I knew he was in trouble
when I saw that jury.
And Bernie was just gonna have to
get up there and explain himself
to a bunch of Saint Augustine
cousin-countin` rednecks over there.
I mean, they got more tattoos than teeth
and there ain`t no brain
in the whole dozen of `em,
and they`re supposed to decide
big things Iike this?
I mean, shoot, I wouldn`t
Iet `em work on my car.
Now, Bernie,
after you were arrested you
gave a confession, correct?
Yes, sir.
How did you feel about Marjorie Nugent?
I cared for Marjorie deeply.
I Ioved her very much.
And I`ve sent Ietters
from jail to her family
asking their forgiveness
for ruining Margy`s Iife
and the pain I`ve caused.
Well, if you cared for her,
even Ioved her,
why do you reckon you killed her?
I could probably describe
it Iike being in prison
to some degree.
She wouldn`t allow me
to have any friends,
and I`m a people person.
I got to have my friends.
She was very jealous and
possessive of my time.
She had become so hateful.
I don`t even remember
picking up the gun that day.
It was Iike someone else was doing it.
so why did you leave the body there?
It would seem to me that
if you didn`t want to get caught,
you`d find some way to dispose of it.
Oh no, no, no.
I could never do that.
That was never my intention.
Everyone deserves a proper burial.
And I was..
I was just waiting for
my chance to give her one.
Thank you, Bernie.
I`II pass the witness.
So help me out here, Bernie.
On this trip with Mrs.
Nugent to New York City,
did you fly first class?
Yes, I believe we did.
Tell us the difference between
like the first class seats
and the regular old seats
in the back of the plane.
I..I`ve never been up there.
I`d say the seats are
a Iittle Iarger maybe.
More comfortable.
Don`t they have people waiting`
on you and stuff too, you know?
I mean, people bringing you fancy food,
and serving you whatever you
want to drink and stuff like that?
Yes, the service is
probably a Iittle better.
Oh, so you Iike the
first class treatment.
First class Iifestyle, the
best that money can buy.
I was accompanying Mrs. Nugent
who usually preferred these
things when she traveled.
- Mm-hm.
- So.
Now, on that New York City trip,
it says here that you and Mrs. Nugent
stayed at the.. the Ritz Carlton?
That`s a fancy hotel near
Central Park, isn`t it?
Yes, I believe that is where we stayed.
It also says here that while
you were in New York City,
you saw an opera.
And a Broadway play.
I think it`s called ``Les Miserables. ``
Les Miserable.
That`s impressive.
What?
So culture is important to you.
In what way?
Well, you seem to know all
these fancy words and such.
Well, that one`s not very difficult.
Not for you.
You know all about the
high class Iife, don`t you?
I..what..Iike what?
Like, I don`t know,
say for instance what..
what kind of wine are you
supposed to have with fish?
No, I don`t.. white usually.
Mm-hm. That takes a Iot of money
to have so much culture, don`t it?
To..to enjoy the finer things in Iife
that you Iove so much.
The ritzy hotels, first class
flying off to the big cities.
I mean, it takes a Iot of money
to Iive that way, don`t it?
No, I..Ieft to my own devices,
I would not have been
traveling in such an expensive..
But Ieft to someone
else`s devices, you were!
And after you killed Mrs. Nugent,
you kept on spending
her money, didn`t you?
A Iot of it!
And if you wouldn`t a been caught,
you`d still be spending her money today.
Wouldn `t you?
Wouldn`t you?
Ladies and gentlemen,
after Iistening to all the evidence,
I`m sure that you will agree
that the defendant is a Iiar, a coward
and a backshooter.
Now, come on.
That`s got to be about the Iowest thing
a man could ever do, ain`t it?
shoot a little old lady in the back?
Four times.
There is no doubt in my mind
Bernie Tiede is a
calculating evil actor.
He fooled a whole town
for nine months.
Now if he can do that,
there ain`t no telling what he`II do
if you Iet him back on the streets.
That poor woman stayed frozen
stiff for nine whole months.
In a freezer.
It took two days to thaw her out.
Just so they could
perform a proper autopsy.
No. No, no, no, no, no.
I`m sorry.
Your honor, counsel, Iadies
and gentlemen of the jury,
all Danny Buck Davidson
wants to do in this trial
is get you to believe that
Bernie is some kind of monster.
That he is something other
than a fellow human being.
Look at him, Iadies and gentlemen.
There is not one hint of
premeditation in this case.
If there was, he`d have
done it a Iot differently.
He mighta gotten away with it.
Did he try to poison her slowly? No.
Did he burn down the house?
Say it was an accidental fire? No.
He still knew he done wrong.
He knew he was gonna get found out.
He just didn`t have the courage
to tell on himself.
But Iike a good funeral director,
he preserved the body so that
she could have a proper burial.
And in the meantime he did a
lot of good for a lot of people.
Till he finally got caught.
He just doesn`t sound Iike any
kind of monster I`ve ever heard of.
Thank you.
That doesn`t excuse
the crime that was committed.
Now Iook, everybody`s describing
Bernie Tiede as such a great guy.
``Oh, he`s so wonderful.
He`s an angel.``
Let me tell you, he`s an angel alright.
An angel of death.
Thank you.
Bernie Tiede, please rise.
Mr. Foreman, it is my understanding
that the jury has reached a verdict.
Yes, sir, we have, Your Honor.
Is it unanimous?
Yes, sir.
Would you please read the verdict?
We, the jury,
find the defendant Bernie Tiede,
guilty of murder as charged.
They gave me life.
I won`t even be up for
parole for 50 years.
I`ll be 89 years old.
Danny Buck, you gotta hand it to him.
What he did, is two groups, you know.
It was the high-falutin
` first class livin `
Bernies of the world,
and then there was the, you know,
Iet`s dig a hole in the backyard
and cook something, you know?
Put another tire on the
fire, George. I`m cold.
It was just two different
worlds he created there
and Bernie wasn`t of their world.
lt`s not as bad as you think.
I`m the choir director,
teaching four classes.
I`m in the craft shop most of the day.
I miss my freedom.
Well, sure you do, hon.
I`m making the best of it.
Got a Iot to Iive for.
You do. You do.
I wanna help people here.
Hm, well, I have to
tell you what I`ve done.
I wrote the warden a Ietter.
Yeah, I did.
I told him that he had
to give you a work release
or something Iike that
so that you could sing at my funeral.
Now, I`m not sick or
anything, but now Bernie,
you promised me that you would do that.
And I totally mean wear
those chains or whatever
if it made them feel better so..
That is awful sweet, Lenora.
And it would be an honor
but don`t count on it.
I don`t think they`re Ietting
me out of here for nothing.
Oh!
Sure they will. I told him that
you went temporarily insane.
And we`re all going
insane sooner or Iater.
I mean, that`s the way I Iook at it.
Uh-oh. He`s telling me our time is up.
I cannot tell you how
much it means to me
that I`m still in your prayers.
And that I`II always be with you.
Yes. And you know how much we Iove you.
And I will tell you, I Iook around here.
You need to take care of yourself
and be real careful because I think
this could be a dangerous place.
- You think?
- I do.
And we`II come back
in a couple of weeks.
Take care. I Iove you.
I Iove you, baby.
You take care of him.
I don`t care what he did.
Yes, I do care.
It was wrong.
But I believed that if Bernie
were truly sorry for what he did,
and would ask God`s forgiveness,
God would forgive him.
And after all, that`s
all that really matters.
I will miss him.
AII of us will.
I`II never believe
till the day God calls me home
that Bernie Tiede killed Mrs. Nugent.
And..and that`s just the way I feel.
And my husband told me,
``Daisy, when you go up there,
``you don`t change your mind
if you see some of those people
``standing out there in the
courthouse that you Iove,
``that`s your friends too.``
I said, ``Hey, I don`t think
Jesus could change my mind.``
That`s just the way I feel from day one.
And I will always feel that way.
Bernie was a good man.
Bernie had a great heart.
We need more Bernies in this world.
Murderers come along once
in a blue moon over here
and typically, they`re family related,
I mean, it`s just how it works out,
we don`t have strange killings,
it`s just some family member
got upset with the other
and shot him, killed him dead,
and they know they gonna go
to penitentiary for a while.
Now we even have Iess murder trials
`cause most of `em plead out.
So this thing becomes a media circus,
we got people coming in from
all across the United States.
OId Danny Buck, we caught
him with a stiff neck,
he..he got kind of stiff neck,
kinda get your neck a Iittle stiff,
he got a stiff neck, he
was Iike a pig in shit
when all this was going up.
Talking about what
wine to drink with fish,
I mean, those people drink
warm beer with fried mudcat
and he`s trying to say..
I took one Iook at the
jury and I said, Uh-oh.
Scrappy, you ain`t gonna do it, buddy.
I mean, you ain`t gonna do it.
You don`t have enough equipment to bring
these people outta their
dang hovels over there.
Jesus, he`s my daddy, he`s my cousin.
It`s Iike, some of them people
shouldn`t be allowed out of the county
and we took the whole damn
trial over there, you know?
What are they asking
for? I don`t get it.
I don`t get the Iegal system.
? He put her in the freezer ?
? And pulled down the Iid ?
? Didn`t even move it ?
? Just made sure It was plugged in ?
? He gave a Iot of parties ?
? Kept her packed on ice ?
? No one suspected anything ?
? `Cause Bernie Was so nice ?
? Oh, Bernie, oh, Bernie, ?
? What have you done ?
? You killed poor Mrs. Nugent ?
? You never even ran ?
? Oh, Bernie, Oh, Bernie ?
? What have you done ?
? You killed poor Mrs. Nugent ?
? You never even run ?
? After all those months ?
? No one had seen her face ?
? The Iocal Iaw decided ?
? They should Search the place ?
? And when the search That ended ?
? To everyone`s surprise ?
? They found her Shot and frozen ?
? As Bernie took her Iife ?
? Oh, Bernie, Oh, Bernie ?
? What have you done ?
? You killed poor Mrs. Nugent ?
? You never even run ?
? Oh, Bernie, Oh, Bernie ?
? What have you done ?
? You killed poor Mrs. Nugent ?
? And never even run ?
? You killed poor Mrs. Nugent ?
? And you Never even run ??
I ran out of air on that one.