It was the nicest little whorehouse
you ever saw.
It lay about a mile outside the city limits,
so everybody could feel real friendly.
Sheriff Jack Roy Wallace picked it out
for Miss Wulla Jean in 1910,...
...and she moved there with her girls from
over the hardware store on main street.
# Oh, the little house lay
# In a green Texas glade
# Where the trees were as coolin'
# As fresh lemonade
# Soft summer wind
had a trace of perfume
# And a fan was turnin' in every room
# Twenty fans were turnin',
they were turnin'
# Twenty fans were turnin' in every room
# Fevers were a-burnin',
they were burnin'
# And they had to have
a way to cool down
Right from the beginning,
the little house was special,...
...like a home away from home.
Miss Wulla Jean put a Pianola
in the parlour to sorta help break the ice.
A fella could ask a girl to dance
or, if he held back a little, she'd ask him.
And pretty soon they'd get
a little business goin'.
Two dollars' worth.
Yahoo!
It wasn't long before it became one of the
better-known pleasure palaces in Texas.
So much so that the fellas
who visited during World War I...
...sent their sons back in World War I I.
The hospitality and friendliness
never changed,...
...and neither did Miss Wulla Jean's
strict set of rules.
She liked her ladies, as she called 'em,...
...to treat her customers real good,
but never in an unladylike way.
And she insisted that each girl
check her gentleman for the clap...
...and wash him off
with soap and warm water.
Some of the fellas claimed that
that was the best part!
Oo-ee!
It was only durin' the Hoover Depression
that the little house had tough times.
Miss Wulla Jean put in a jukebox
to spark up business.
But it wasn't always easy in them days
to come up with hard cash.
Well, you just keep that in the bag...
...and I'll take it out back
as soon as we're finished.
So for a while, as the story goes,...
...the girls began acceptin'
poultry in trade.
One bird, one lay.
And that's how the place got its name.
The Chicken Ranch.
Course, if you grew up
anywhere in Texas,...
...you knew at an early age
they was sellin' somethin' out there,...
...and it wasn't poultry.
# Twenty fans were turnin',
they were turnin'
# Twenty fans were turnin' in every room
# Fevers were a-burnin',
they were burnin'
# And they had to have
a way to cool down
# Twenty fans were hummin',
they were hummin'
# Twenty fans were hummin'
in every room
# Customers were comin',
they were comin'
# And they had to have
a way to cool down
# Twenty fans were turnin',
they were turnin'
# Twenty fans were turnin' in every room
# Fevers were a-burnin',
they were burnin'
# And they had to have
a way to cool down
# Twenty fans were hummin',
they were hummin'
# Twenty fans were hummin'
in every room
# Customers were comin',
they were comin'
# And they had to have
a way to cool down
Y'all come back now, you hear?
Yahoo!
# Twenty fans were turnin',
they were turnin'
# Twenty fans were turnin' in every room
# Fevers were a-burnin',
they were burnin'
# And they had to have
a way to cool down
# Twenty fans were turnin',
they were turnin'
# Twenty fans were turnin' in every room
# Fevers were a-burnin',
they were burnin'
# And they had to have
a way to cool down
- # Hallelujah
- # Hallelujah
For three generations, the Chicken Ranch
went peacefully about its business...
...while the people in Gilbert
went about theirs.
That is, until about seven years ago.
I was a deputy back then,
workin' for Sheriff Ed Earl Dodd.
You wanted me to remind you
about your appointment.
That was right after I had lost
the fried chicken franchise,...
...while Ed Earl had been sheriff
ever since old Jack Roy Wallace retired.
Everybody liked Ed Earl,
especially Ed Earl.
Course, he sure did know his job,
and he was a big influence on me.
Taught me everything I know.
He used to like to run a quiet town...
...with plenty of time off for socialisin'
and coffee over at Dulcie Mae's Caf.
Oh, now and again there'd be a problem,
and we had some tough ones.
Like the time the mule
sat on Miss Modene's car.
He just buckled up his legs
and sat down.
She was really havin' a hissy fit,
but it didn't faze Ed Earl.
He just walked over to that jackass
and laid down the law.
You see, Ed Earl always
believed in talkin' first.
Cool reasonin', he used to tell me,
could solve any problem.
Course, he did have a bit of a temper.
Anyway, just about the time he became
sheriff, Miss Wulla Jean passed on.
She left the Chicken Ranch to her
favourite workin' girl, Mona Stangely,...
...who saw the little house
as a Texas institution...
...and aimed to keep it that way.
# It's just a little-bitty
pissant country place
# Ain't nothin' much to see
# No drinkin' allowed
# We get a nice quiet crowd
# Plain as it can be
# It's just a piddly, squattin'
old-time country place
# Ain't nothin' too high-toned
# Just lots of goodwill
# And maybe one small thrill
# But there's nothin' dirty goin' on
# Nothin' dirty goin' on
# We get simple farmers,
local businessmen
# Congress folks from Austin,
young boys lookin' for sin
# Now, we used to get
a lot of roughnecks
# When the oil boom was high
# But payday'd get a little rowdy
# Thank God the field run dry
# It's just a little-bitty
pissant country place
# Nothin' much to see
# No drinkin' allowed,
we get a nice quiet crowd
# Plain as it can be
# It's just a piddly, squattin'
old-time country place
# Nothin' too high-toned
# Just lots of goodwill
and maybe one small thrill
# But there's nothin' dirty goin' on
# Keep your language clean, girls
# Keep your bedrooms neat
# And don't hang around the town caf
and say hi on the street
# Mind your p's and q's and manners
# And you don't need no other tools
# Cos every girl that lives here
knows my special no-no rules
# Yeah, every girl that lives here
knows Miss Mona's no-no rules
- Ruby Rae, start 'em.
- # Beds are not to be wallowed in
# That's the kind of thing
that big fat lazy hogs do
- It don't make money. Beatrice?
- # And I won't tolerate
# No tyin' up my telephone
with other people's business
Eloise, honey?
# And please don't show us no tattoos,
no hearts and flowers on your thigh
It's downright tacky.
# Brands belong on cattle
# And that ain't what
we're sellin' at Miss Mona's
Do you catch my drift?
# I pay the food and the rent
and the utilities
# You keep your mind on
your work responsibilities
# Don't let your mouth
overload your capabilities
# And we can get along
Dawn?
# Any bad habits you come in with,
get rid of right now
# I can't stand no chewin' gum,
it looks just like a cow
# Anyone takin' sick leave
oughta be real sure they're sick
# And every time you hear that bell
# You better get here double-quick
# And as for pimps
# Pimps are somethin' you don't need
to get your daily business done
Are you listenin' good?
# Keep them leeches and bloodsuckers
off the back roads
# I know how to use a gun
and nobody messes with my girls
# And any questions you might have
about the way I run this place
# Don't gripe and whine behind my back
# Just tell me face-to-face,
I'm open-minded
# Say it all, then go upstairs and pack
# The door's thataway
# She pays the food and the rent
and the utilities
# We keep our mind on
our work responsibilities
# Don't let your mouth
overload your capabilities
# And we can get along
Well, howdy, boys. It's good to see you.
Nice to meet you.
Come on over here.
I'd like you to meet my girls.
# It's just a little-bitty
pissant country place
# Nothin' much to see
# No drinkin' allowed,
we get a nice quiet crowd
# Plain as it can be
# It's just a piddly, squattin'
old-time country place
# Nothin' too high-toned
# Just lots of goodwill
and maybe one small thrill
# But there's nothin' dirty goin' on
# It's just a little-bitty
pissant country place
# Nothin' much to see
# No drinkin' allowed,
we get a nice quiet crowd
# Plain as it can be
# It's just a piddly, squattin'
old-time country place
# Nothin' too high-toned
# Just lots of goodwill
and maybe one small thrill
# Just lots of goodwill
and maybe one small thrill
# Just lots of goodwill
and maybe one small thrill
# But there's nothin' dirty goin' on
- # Nothin' dirty goin' on
- Yeah!
Well, everything was goin' along fine,
just like always,...
...until that famous college
football celebration.
Some think that's when
the trouble started.
For years, the winning seniors...
...of the Texas Aggie/Texas U
football game at Thanksgiving...
...were treated to a night out
at the Chicken Ranch...
...by their alumni association.
But, actually, the real trouble started
brewin' about three days before.
I can't tell you how thrilled we are
with your contribution.
- Here's your receipt.
- Thank you, Rita.
Those kids'll be so excited,
and the mayor too.
The council will probably
vote you another plaque.
Lord, I hope not.
I got a closet full of 'em now!
Hello, Dulcie Mae. You know Miss Mona.
Oh, yes, of course! We've met.
Mornin'.
- Good mornin'.
- Isn't this wonderful?
Miss Mona has just capped the goal
for the Little League fund campaign.
Oh, how nice!
Well, on behalf of my son and
his team-mates, I wanna thank you.
You tell 'em I'll be well repaid when
they take the championship next year.
- Goodbye, Rita.
- I'm sorry the sheriff wasn't here.
He went to Meritsville.
He'll be gone all afternoon.
Well, you tell him I said hi.
- Bye.
- Bye.
Bye.
- Hey, Miss Mona.
- How are you doin', Deputy Fred?
- It's nice to see you.
- Keepin' an eye on my place at night?
The sheriff's real particular
about security there.
Well, one of these nights,
you drop in.
My girls would love to show you
a little appreciation.
Shoot, Miss Mona!
You know I'm a married man.
Fred, you think the cows
don't appreciate the time off...
...when a bull goes over
to another pasture?
Miss Mona!
- See you later, Miss Mona.
- OK. Goodbye.
- Damn it!
- What's the matter?
- You're in bed already.
- So?
So I told you a hundred times - watching
you get undressed is the best part.
The best part?
Well, maybe not the best part,
but in the top two.
Now, would I wanna disappoint
my little honey?
Whoo!
- I'm glad I was late.
- Me too!
You just hold your horses.
I got a surprise for you.
I went by the post office. I picked up
a package from Frederick's of Hollywood.
Just a little something sexy
I thought you'd like.
Little? It don't look little to me.
Well, it ain't a trainin' bra,
but I believe I can fill it out.
- I don't think you got any problem there.
- I'll be back with more.
You know, Mona,
I've known a lot of women in my life.
None of 'em have ever been
exciting to me like you are.
Really? Even after all these years
we've been meetin' like this?
I'll tell you something.
A year with you is like...
a minute of sheer happiness.
Well, now, that is just about the sweetest
thing anybody ever said to me.
I know.
You know, honey...
...you bring out the... romantic in me.
Ta-da!
Whoo! You did that real fast.
I've had a lot of practice
gettin' in and out of my clothes.
How do you like the outfit?
Hot damn. Makes me feel real sexy!
Whoo!
Well, you don't look real sexy.
- I look like I always look.
- That's just it.
It's them damn droopy boxer drawers.
I just hate the looks of them.
- I've worn boxer shorts for years!
- And they look like it.
These are a brand-new pair.
I don't know what you're talkin' about.
People tell me I have
a real sexy quality about me.
Well, you do,
but them boxer shorts don't.
But when I was gettin' me some
sexy things, I thought about you.
They have a his-and-hers department...
...and I thought you might
wanna try that on for size.
What the hell is it? A Japanese slingshot?
No, it's Jockey shorts
with little silver snaps on the side.
Mm. "Little" is the key word here.
They are real little.
A guy could hurt himself wearin' those.
I don't think so, thank you very much.
Ed Earl, I paid $20 for these, plus
postage, and I want you to wear 'em.
- You paid $20 for these?
- Yes!
Well, you got screwed.
- Come on, Ed Earl!
- No!
If they look half as good as I think,
you ain't gonna wear 'em but a second.
Maybe less.
- They're ridiculous.
- They're sexy.
No, no, no!
Well, fine! I'm gettin' dressed
and goin' home.
Well, fine! I'm goin' in the bathroom
and... put these on.
Be like puttin' two bowlin' balls
in a marble bag.
Braggin', braggin', braggin'.
- Well, I saw Dulcie Mae in town today.
- Oh, yeah?
I guess you'll be goin' there
for Thanksgivin' dinner.
- Don't I always?
- You better check that turkey of hers...
...because there's a hook in there that's
gonna drag your ass to a weddin' chapel.
No way.
I don't believe in matrimony.
It screws up a relationship.
Amen to that, Ed Earl.
- Ready?
- Oh, I'm always ready.
Well, hellfire! Is that it?
- How'd you like it?
- I didn't hardly get to even see them!
That's all you're gonna see,
cos I ain't parading around.
- Oh, come on, Ed Earl.
- No!
- For me.
- No.
- One itsy-bitsy peek?
- What are you doin'?
Now, that's what
the little silver snaps are for.
- Work, don't they?
- Just like a snap.
Come on over here
and give me a little lip-lock.
Oop. Gotta brush my teeth.
You know how I am about my breath.
Oh, Ed Earl, I like a lot of things, but
these afternoons with you top the list.
Yeah? Well, sing it to me, honey.
# I like fancy, frilly things
# High-heeled shoes and diamond rings
# Ragtime bands and Western swing
# And sneakin' around with you
# Well, I like beer and rodeos
# Detective books and dominoes
# Football games and Cheerios
and sneakin' around with you
# Sneakin' around with you
# Goin' a round or two
# Doin' what lovers do
# Whenever they're sneakin' around
# I like lots of cash on hand
# And dirty jokes
about the Fuller Brush Man
# I like stuff I understand
like sneakin' around with you
# You know, I like a thrill
that has no strings
# Friendship that don't ever change
# And laughter from the joy of things
# And sneakin' around with you
# Sneakin' around with you
# Goin' a round or two
# Doin' what lovers do
# Whenever they're sneakin' around
# I like drive-in picture shows
# Kissin' long and lovin' slow
# The secret places lovers go
whenever they're sneakin' around
Whoo!
# I like the crazy things we try
# And the sexy things we fantasise
# Just a-makin' out
in the broad daylight
# And sneakin' around with you
# Sneakin' around with you
# Keepin' it all brand-new
# Gettin' the best of you
# Whenever we're sneakin' around
# Sneakin' around, that's all
# I'm gonna lay down the law
# Watchin' the rise and fall
# Of lovers sneakin' around
- # We're just sneakin' around
- # Oh, we're just
# Sneakin'!
Sheriff?
Sheriff!
- Deputy Fred.
- Fred.
Oh...
Hold that position.
Don't move. Be right back.
- This better be important.
- Well, I think it is.
I saw your car and I figured
your phone was out, because...
What are you wearin' that for?
- Takin' a shower.
- Oh, really?
I take my shower in the mornin'.
I read in the Reader's Digest...
I don't care! What do you want?
The mayor wants to speak to you. Rita's
been callin' all over the county for you.
- He wants a meeting right away.
- Can't it wait?
- You mean till after your shower?
- Mm...
You go to your radio.
Tell him I'll be there when I get there.
Nothing can be that important
that it can't wait.
Right, Sheriff.
Nice man, but dumb.
Mona?
Mona?
Ain't that funny? Miss Mona was
at the back, knockin' on the screen door.
She was in a hurry,
but just dropped by to give you this.
It's a Japanese slingshot.
Well, look at that! At last!
OK, Rufus. What's on your mind?
Something with serious implications
to the health of this town! Tell him, CJ!
I have this friend that works
in a TV station down in Houston.
He tipped me off that Melvin P Thorpe's
plannin' an expos on the Chicken Ranch.
- Who?
- Melvin P Thorpe.
He's that crazy consumer advocate.
Has a report on the late night news.
The Watchdog Report. It's on tonight.
The Chicken Ranch on TV.
Now, come on, fellas.
- Television is a family medium.
- But he's a sensationalist.
He shows up every time a consumer has
a complaint. He's a menace to business.
He's that fella that put the peanuts
back in the chocolate bar.
What?
He made the makers of
the Peanut Delight candy bar admit...
...that they put less peanuts in than
they said. He made 'em change their ways.
- Sounds like a tough customer.
- He has a lot of influence.
If he brings cameras
to the Chicken Ranch...
Come on, Rufus!
I'll make some phone calls.
I got a little influence
around this state myself.
Well, it's no use talkin' to me
about it, Sheriff.
Melvin P Thorpe is now the biggest
attraction at this station.
High ratings. Lots of letters.
He doesn't listen to anybody.
Hell, he wants to go national! Wants
to be watchdog for the whole US of A.
Love to help, but just like you don't
wanna mess with the Chicken Ranch...
...I don't wanna ruffle
this old bird's feathers.
Here in Houston, he's becomin'
a regular Texas attraction.
Now, wait a minute, Ed Earl.
I'd tread easy on this one.
Them TV boys can be mighty powerful.
And mighty useful, if you get my meaning.
Senator, roll call.
Excuse me, Ed Earl. I gotta go.
It's that damn bilingual bullshit again.
Let me give you a word of advice
from one elected official to another.
Be careful of the box.
What the hell's goin' on? This goddamn
Thorpe's got the whole state bamboozled.
This is serious, Ed Earl.
You gotta do somethin'.
I intend to.
Deputy Fred, I want you to
hold down the fort for a while.
- Me?
- Yeah, you.
- Where you goin'?
- To Houston.
I'm gonna take care of that
little peckerwood myself.
- This is it.
- Thank you.
Come in.
- Mr Thorpe?
- I know you.
- You do?
- Sheriff Ed Earl Dodd.
They told me you were here. Come on in.
I hope I'm not... interruptin' anything.
Oh, please! It's my pleasure, my honour.
What brings you to Houston?
Sit down. Anywhere over here.
I'm gettin' dressed. Sit down.
I've got my TV show to do,
and I'm runnin' a bit behind time.
It's your show I want to talk to you about,
Mr Thorpe.
- Melvin.
- Melvin.
- Please. You watch the show, Ed?
- Well...
Last week was the best ratin' we ever had.
The city planning commissioner
was drivin' a city car...
Hold that for me, will you?
...while he was on vacation.
Caught him dead to rights.
That pitiful putz.
Would you just pull that up?
Just pull that up.
And we broke a 30 share. It's affectin'
my pieces on the late night news.
Up, up, up.
They just love my little report.
- I hear you're very popular.
- The power of television...
...of public exposure,
is so great it scares me.
I swear, I could get the mayor's
own children to throw rocks at him.
Which show did you like best, Ed?
I think the one about
the... nuts in the chocolate bar.
That's one of my favourites.
Threescore means 60, like the Bible says.
So if it says "60 nuts" on the wrapper...
...I wanna see 60 nuts inside.
And I'm talkin' full nuts.
I'm not talkin' a half-nut...
...or nut bits or nut chips.
I'm talkin' a full nut.
I can see that.
Thank God we still live in a society...
...where anything that's phoney or
dishonest can't stand the light of day.
- Sock.
- Beg your pardon?
Sock. Thank you.
Yeah...
Most corporations
involved in false advertisin'...
...would just laugh at a $50 fine.
But you show up with your TV camera
and give them a little bad publicity...
...and they shape up faster than
goose shit slides through a tin horn.
Melvin, it's that bad publicity I want to
talk to you about. That could hurt people.
You take that report you're doin'
on the Chicken Ranch.
That place is older than rocks and water.
I expect your granddaddy
took your daddy there...
...to learn about the birds and the bees.
I'm from New Jersey. See, I moved
to Houston six years ago.
Texas suits my style.
Every schoolboy in the state knows about
it. Most of the politicians have slept there.
The mayor and the people of my county
want to keep things just the way they are.
Hm. You know somethin', Sheriff.
It just struck me.
- We are in the same profession.
- What's that?
Law enforcement. I'm out there fightin'
for the rights of the public, just like you.
Both of us are trying to protect the public.
You in the old way and me in the new.
- The new?
- Television.
I'm the electronic bounty hunter.
I use a camera. You use a gun.
Yeah. Melvin, everybody'd be happy
if you'd just drop the whole thing.
I mean, those ladies out there,
they perform a necessary function.
- Right or wrong...
- Right or wrong don't interest me!
I'm no moraliser.
I leave all that to the preacher.
I'm glad. The mayor was thinkin' maybe
you'd want a little unnecessary publicity.
Unnecessary publicity?
Well, he's got me all wrong!
I'm not one of those sensation-mongers
out to boost his own ego!
Clear.
- How do you like it?
- It's different.
I designed this myself.
No, you tell your mayor he's got
nothing to fear from me on that score.
- He'll be happy to hear that.
- I'm a lawman. That's my interest. Right?
- 20 seconds.
- Oh, I'm on!
Friend Ed, I gotta go.
That's my cue. Come on!
Aprs vous!
- I'd love to do an interview with you.
- I don't think I'm the type.
Nonsense! You're what
the public wants to see.
We'll discuss it after the show.
I want you to be my guest.
This is the sponsor's booth.
Just make yourself comfortable.
Make yourself to home.
See you later, partner.
# He's out on the prowl
# Guards and checks the best he can
# Watchdog is a fighting man
# Watchdog will throw
his beam of light around
# If some folks don't toe the line
# Watchdog's light will shine
# Shine, shine, shine
And now...
the Watchdog man himself.
The eyes and ears of Texas,
Melvin P Thorpe!
Thank you, fellow Texans,
and welcome to the Watchdog Report...
...with yours truly, Melvin P Thorpe...
...keepin' an eye on what's goin' on
in this beautiful state of ours.
This week's spotlight will shine
on a shameful situation...
...that has been allowed to exist
for close to a hundred years.
I'm talkin' about
the Chicken Ranch, my friends.
The proprietor of this innocent-lookin'
ranch house is known only as Miss Mona.
And the man who turns his back
on her illegal operation...
...is Sheriff Ed Earl Dodd!
Did I say "illegal"? Yes, I did!
Now, I know that this is TV...
...so I'm gonna try to be
as delicate as I can!
Here goes, and may God forgive me!
- # Texas has a whorehouse in it
- # Lord, have mercy on our souls
- # Texas has a whorehouse in it
- # Lord, have mercy on our souls
# I'll expose the facts
although it fills me with disgust
# Please excuse the filthy, dark details
- # And carnal lust
- # Filthy, dark details and carnal lust
# Dancin' goin' on inside it,
don't you see, they've gone plumb wild
# I inquired, no one denied it,
now I think I'm gettin' riled
# Bodies close together,
arms and legs all rearranged
# And the sheriff does not close it down
# That's very strange
# Does not close it down,
that's very strange
# Mean-eyed, juiced-up,
brilliantined, honky-tonk cowboys
- # Oh, no
- # Mixin' with green-eyed, thin-lipped
- # Hard-as-nails, peroxide blondes
- # Oh, no
# Not to mention some types that
you'd never guess would venture near
# Actin' all depraved and loose and wild
90 miles from here
And now, our own
Melvin P Thorpe Singers.
- # Texas has a whorehouse in it
- Oh, my goodness, he's talkin' about us!
- # Texas has a whorehouse in it
- Suits me, Mom.
Doreen! Run get my heart pills!
- # Loveless copulation goin' on
- Hot damn!
- # And it must stop
- # Loveless copulation
- # Loveless copulation
- Loveless copulation?
# Texas has a whorehouse in it,
Lord, have mercy on our souls
# Texas has a whorehouse in it,
Lord, have mercy...
Aah!
- # Watchdog smells corruption...
- Can you dig it?
- Hey!
- # Loveless copulation goin' on
Don't touch that dial!
This is Melvin P Thorpe...
...sayin' I'll be back with new and revealin'
information about this and other cases.
Watchdog never sleeps!
# And it must stop!
Watchdog's gonna get you
# Gonna shine his light on you
# Watchdog's gonna get you,
gonna shine his light on you
Damn! That man is crazier
than a peach-orchard sow.
Announcin' it straight out on TV.
- So you been sayin'.
- Everybody's talkin' about it.
Not that it's big news to anybody
over three months of age.
But they heard it in their livin' room.
Sung. Sung to music.
And he actually called
my name on television?
Worse than that.
The son of a bitch called mine!
Ed Earl, ever since I can remember...
...folks been jumpin' on me
for one reason or another.
But we're gonna beat this.
I ain't worried about it.
You know why?
Because I trust you.
Cos you're my protector.
Do you know he wears
a sock in his underwear?
A sock?
Yeah. All rolled up
like a Jimmy Dean sausage.
Well, I bet he's runnin' for office.
That's typical of them crusadin' fanatics.
They flare up every few months.
They're always confusin' crime with sin.
People get sick of hearin' it and
pretty soon it just clears out of the air.
- You're probably right.
- Well, ain't I always?
Mm-hm.
You know what I was thinkin'?
Just how much I miss the little stuff
we used to do, like goin' up to the lake.
Wouldn't it be fun to go up there, get
a couple of six-packs, and just get drunk?
Girl, that's the best idea you had all year.
When we gonna do this?
- Well, I'd like to do it tonight.
- So would I.
Well, I wonder who that is.
- Hey, Deputy Fred.
- Morning, girls!
- How's your tallywhacker hangin'?
- Fine...
- Hi, Sheriff.
- This better be important.
That Melvin P Thorpe is settin' up
his TV show in front of the courthouse!
- In front of the...
- Courthouse!
He's gettin' some pictures for the news.
He's got a whole posse of TV cameramen.
I think you better come.
- In front of my...
- Office!
- Son of a...
- Bitch.
- I cannot believe that sucker!
- He even brought his own singers.
Wait till I get my hands on him.
- Go get him, Sheriff!
- Come on, Deputy Fred!
Ed Earl, please don't go doin' something
stupid you're gonna be sorry for!
- Watch your temper.
- Everything's gonna be fine.
Leave that little shithead to me.
Howdy again, neighbours. Melvin P Thorpe,
the old Watchdog himself...
...shinin' a spotlight on Gilbert,
the little town with the big shame.
Who's that fella in them trick britches?
I don't know, but it's too late
in the year for a carnival.
One of them TV folks, looks like to me.
We're here at the Lanville County
courthouse to ask local citizens...
...how they feel about
the infamous bordello...
...runnin' wide open
in their American hometown.
Cut! All right, stay with me, boys.
And when I start the music, I want
you Dogettes to start with me, brisk!
Good people of Gilbert,
may I have your attention, please?
I would like to speak to you about
a matter of great importance.
Let's hear it, Melvin! Lay it on us.
I'm speakin' to you about nothin' less
than your community's moral health!
I'm talkin' to you about
official blindness...
...official corruption,
official malfeasance.
- He sure is wound up.
- Yep.
I'm just waitin' for Ed Earl to get here.
He's gonna kick that boy's ass.
It's no big secret.
You know what's goin' on in this town.
And what's goin' on is evil...
...immoral, brazen
and against the law!
Hit it.
# Texas has a whorehouse in it
# Lord, have mercy on our souls
- # Texas has a whorehouse in it
- # Lord, have mercy on our souls
# Sin is running rampant
like before the fall of Rome
# Someone is permittin' you-know-what
- # And it must stop
- # Loveless copulation
# Stop that copulation
# Loveless copulation
# Stop that copulation
# Texas has a whorehouse in it,
Lord, have mercy on our souls
# Texas has a whorehouse in it,
Lord, have mercy on our souls
# Watchdog smells corruption
and he'll fight it to the top...
Now, Sheriff, Sheriff.
Keep a grip on yourself.
- Don't get your back up!
- Stop whimperin', Rufus.
Well, if it isn't the man himself.
Would you care to give me
an interview now, Sheriff?
I'm gonna give you 30 seconds,
you fancified fart.
Get you and your chorus
the hell out of town!
Get those cameras and crap
off the street. You're blockin' traffic!
The only traffic we are blockin'
is that headed out for the Chicken Ranch.
Right, Sheriff?
Little fat buddy,
up to now you got two tickets:
One for paradin' without a licence
and the other for insultin' me.
Get that circus out of town,
or I'm gonna lock you up so fast...
...your corset's gonna pop!
- Oh, yeah?
We're within the law. As a newsman,
I have First Amendment protection.
Get this. The public has a right to know
what is goin' on out there...
...and what kind of payoff
you're acceptin'...
...to protect that notorious
house of ill repute.
First thing is, you're
standin' in Lanville County...
...which, by my figurin', is about 100 miles
west of that stink hole you call Houston.
So I can't see it's any of your business
what goes on out here.
Oh, yeah?
Please...
Number two.
You ain't the law around here and I am.
So don't be tellin' me
what my goddamn job is...
...or I'll whip your butt so bad it'll
look like the stripes on a barber pole.
- Get him, Sheriff.
- May be mean, but he's ours!
Number three.
No sawed-off little pecker is gonna
accuse me of takin' a bribe and live...
...cos I wear the badge
in this goddamn county.
So you listen and listen good,
you over-padded, televising turd!
If I ever see you or any of those bastards
that work for you in my town again...
...I'm gonna knock you so flat
you'll have to roll down your socks to shit!
- That's tellin' him, Sheriff!
- My goodness!
So get outta here, you goddamn
wig-wearin', citified son of a bitch!
Move, you schmuck!
Move it! Come on!
Get outta here!
Move this thing!
Come on, move this thing!
I'll get you for this. You son of a bitch!
You'll pay for this.
You're in trouble, Sheriff!
You're in big trouble!
So long, partner.
Boy, you sent him hightailin'.
I was so proud of you!
- Didn't I?
- Yeah.
- Look at them stars.
- Mm.
There ain't nothin'
prettier than a Texas sky.
Ain't that the truth.
- Hey! Did you see that shootin' star?
- Mm-hm.
- That could've been a spaceship.
- Yeah.
- You believe in spaceships?
- Sure.
I saw a picture once. Them fellas
that's supposed to be from up there.
Tiny little fellas, bald-headed.
Little feet, little hands, got no peckers.
Got no peckers?
Well, I ain't interested.
I don't think my girls would be either.
When I was little,
I used to imagine a flyin' saucer...
...swoopin' down and pickin' me up
and takin' me off to heaven.
- Like the angels.
- Mm-hm.
"I looked, and behold, a whirlwind
comin' out of the north. "
"And out of the midst of the fire came
the likeness of four living creatures. "
What you talkin' about?
That's what the Bible says
about spaceships in Ezekiel.
- Don't you know nothin' about the Bible?
- Yeah!
I just don't know nothin'
about no Zekiel in the Bible.
I knew a Zekiel Peebles
once in the eighth grade.
Think I busted his jaw.
- Well, that was very christian of you.
- Well, most of my family was Baptist.
I never stayed with one family long
enough to become anything in particular.
But I read the Bible.
I believe in Jesus.
I think Jesus was a...
was a real good man.
And he was a heck of a speaker.
Yep. I knew a woman once
that had a vision of Jesus.
He came right into her house,
set right down at the foot of her bed.
Mm?
I don't know what I'd do
if that happened to me.
I'll tell you something. If Jesus comes to
your house, all hell's gonna break loose.
You got a point there, Ed Earl.
But Jesus was really good to
Mary Magdalene, the fallen woman.
He was always bein' very sociable.
He went to this big weddin' once,
and they ran out of wine.
You know what he did?
Turned the water into wine.
Well, that's a man that knows
how to throw a party.
Now, don't be sacrilegious.
I'm not. I'm not.
He forgives me.
- He knows I was kiddin'.
- I know he forgives you.
That's funny, how God can forgive you
and people can't.
- Now, why is that?
- Well, because people are not very godly.
I know. I know.
Yeah.
What is it?
Melvin P Thorpe is a sorry son of a bitch.
You reckon he's gonna
run for the legislature?
Why?
I never told anybody this, Mona.
I was thinkin' of runnin'
for the legislature someday.
- Are you serious, Ed Earl?
- Yeah.
They say an honest man can't be
elected in this country any more.
But I don't believe that.
This is a good country.
I believe I could win.
Well, you got my vote.
I might even go register.
Boy, I sure didn't know
you had dreams that big.
- People really do like you, though.
- They like you too.
- Really?
- Sure.
You ask anybody in town.
Say "How do you like Miss Mona?"
They say "Shoot, she's a fine woman. "
"Fine, friendly and nice. "
I always just thought
if you see somebody without a smile...
...give 'em yours.
- I like that.
I like that.
Think I'll use that as my campaign slogan.
"If you see somebody without a smile,
give 'em yours. "
I'll have that printed up on a card.
Oh, you're kiddin' me, you smart ass.
I had a dream once.
Yeah?
- I'll tell you if you won't laugh.
- Oh, I won't laugh.
Well, I used to dream
of bein' a ballerina.
Now, Ed Earl, I ain't tellin' you nothin'.
- Well... A ballerina?
- Yes, a ballerina!
Well, I think that's wonderful. You still
could be a ballerina if you wanted to be.
- Don't be ridiculous!
- No, you could!
Go into training.
Just start jumpin' up and down.
Me? Jumpin' up and down?
I'd black both my eyes.
I couldn't now. I'm too top-heavy.
I have a hard enough time balancin' these
things now, without gettin' on my toes.
- You know somethin'?
- What?
You know that, uh... I don't see
anybody but you any more.
Course, you can't say the same, can you?
I haven't been to bed with another woman
besides you in three years.
You didn't know that, did you?
No, I didn't know that.
Nothin' better, once you've had the best.
- Hey, I like that.
- I thought you would.
Reckon if I was to run for the legislature
I could put that on my card?
Up next, Melvin P Thorpe continues
his expos of the Chicken Ranch...
...with a violent demonstration
in the Gilbert town square.
Great God from Goldsborough!
Yeah?
Ed Earl, you better turn on channel four.
That Melvin P Thorpe idiot's
got you on TV again.
Well, I don't give a shit, Rufus!
It's all very well to take
that attitude, Ed Earl...
Honey...
Put on the television there. Channel four.
That Melvin P Thorpe is
shootin' off his mouth again.
What could be so goddamn important?
Calm down, Rufus!
It can't be as bad as all that.
What happened to me as an individual
is not important.
Is this the kind of man we want
runnin' our law enforcement?
Is this the kind of foul-mouthed example
we wanna set for our innocent children?
Run the film.
Number three.
No sawed-off little is gonna
accuse me of takin' a bribe and live,...
...cos I wear the badge
in this county!
So you listen and you listen good, you...
If I ever see you or any of those
In my town again,...
...I'm gonna knock you so flat you'll...
Ed Earl, that man
has made a fool out of you.
I've had calls from preachers, deacons
and the presidents of two garden clubs!
Thank you for callin'.
The phones have been ringin' all mornin'.
Sheriff's office.
I don't know why I serve as mayor
of this incorporated sand trap anyway!
- What in the heck is keepin' him?
- He'll be along.
- Well, he'd better!
- My wife couldn't believe what she saw.
They bleeped him, but she read his lips
on every "hell", "goddamn" and "shit".
There's some folks gettin' up a petition
to close the Chicken Ranch.
All we wanted to do was keep it quiet.
Now, thanks to Ed Earl, it's the hottest
thing on the air since the Gong Show.
I'll tell him you called.
Mornin', Sheriff.
- Mornin', Rita.
- Here's your calls.
- Reckon you fellas are waitin' for me.
- We sure are!
You don't know the trouble you've caused!
Dad-gum it, Ed Earl!
If you ain't a pluperfect fool!
You may be right. I got over a dozen
messages here from outraged citizens...
...tellin' me we got a whorehouse
in Lanville County.
Only been one here for about 150 years.
Ed Earl, you can set up speed traps
to catch the tourists.
You can look the other way when
a kid swipes a car to go joyridin'.
You can even let Miss Mona run her place!
Broadcast gutter talk on TV.
- I didn't know they was takin' pictures.
- What were the cameras for?
Damn it, CJ! You pious pissant.
I don't have one tenth the trouble
from Miss Mona's...
...that I have from one of your
stag parties at the legionnaire hall.
- That ain't fair.
- There's just one thing to do.
Close the place before we all
go to hell in a handbasket.
Close it down!
She was just fine as long as
she was makin' civic contributions...
...but the moment her luck ran sour,
you want to run out on her.
Run out on her like rats
from a burnin' barn!
That's just it, Ed Earl.
Who's gonna put out that fire?
Look, if you won't close her down,
tell her to lay low!
Yeah. Just until the heat
wears off a little bit.
Give it two months.
What's two months?
Nobody tells me
how to run my goddamn job!
And nobody gives me advice!
I'll do things my own way.
I'm gonna make up my own damn mind!
Two months.
What's two months?
Shut down for two months!
That is a hell of a lot
to ask somebody, Ed Earl.
And that's a hell of a lot of overhead
to pay out when cash ain't comin' in.
- What will I tell my girls?
- Well, maybe it won't be two months.
The holidays are comin'. Maybe in a week
or two the whole thing will blow over...
I warned you yesterday about
losin' your temper and carryin' on.
- Last night you was proud of me.
- Last night I wasn't on the 11.00 news!
I didn't know that son of a bitch
was gonna make an idiot out of me.
I don't know about that electronic bullshit!
How was I supposed to handle that?
That's your job, Ed Earl.
Ain't that what they pay you for?
I know my job! Don't be tellin' me
what my goddamn job is!
I could close this place down
in a New York minute!
All I'm askin' for is a little cooperation so
I can get through a difficult situation...
...with as little trouble as possible!
- OK, OK! I'll shut it down.
- You will?
- What do you want? A written contract?
- You promise?
- Ed Earl, I am givin' you my word.
I'm sorry, Mona, about the whole situation.
Don't feel sorry for me.
I started out poor
and I worked my way up to outcast.
I know what I'm askin' is gonna turn out
to be the best thing for both of us.
Just trust me.
You know what burns my ass?
- What?
- A flame about three feet high.
Of course I trust you, you big cowboy.
Ain't I always?
Mm-hm.
No need to stop now.
Now get outta here.
Everything's gonna turn out just fine.
Don't you worry about a thing, honey.
Everything's gonna turn out
slicker than cat shit...
...on a linoleum floor.
Well, if it ain't the celebrated
cussin' Sheriff of Lanville County.
- How are you, Sheriff?
- I'm fine. How are you, Porky?
Oh, Sheriff! I been real good all week.
I've lost six pounds.
Oh, yeah? Well, don't take nothin'
off them cheeks.
Oh, go on.
Whoa!
Well, Jewel, I just promised the sheriff...
...that we're gonna shut down
for two months.
What? How can you promise that?
What about the football game
celebration tomorrow night?
- I forgot all about that.
- It's the Thanksgiving game.
- That's real special.
- I know, Jewel!
I don't know what to do now.
I did promise.
You think, if we close the doors, just
went on as planned, that'd be all right?
I'm sure it will, honey. That party
is a bigger tradition than the game.
65,000-plus on hand
here at Kyle Field...
...and we have seen
an amazing ball game.
Texas A&M heavily favoured,
but we're tied 12-12.
Aggies have the ball, second down
at eight. Time is winding down.
They try the middle of the Texas defence
and again the break is stopped.
- This University of Texas defence...
- Whoo-wee!
Whoo!
String up the white. We'll see who wins
and put up the orange or the maroon.
Yes, ma'am.
- I can't stand it if them Aggies win.
- What do you mean?
They're such animals. Always yellin'
and jumpin' about and sayin' "yee-ha".
They have to go for all the marbles,
they will have to throw right now.
Time running out. Miller rolls to the right.
Pass! Touchdown!
Yahoo!
Hell! That calls for a drink.
Don't let your mother see you.
- Well, who won?
- The Aggies.
- Oh, shit.
- Yee-ha!
Yee-ha!
Yee-ha!
Hey, boys!
All right! Hey, boys!
Boys, boys! That was
the greatest victory...
...since General Eisenhower won!
Senator, you ain't forgot you was gonna
take us to the Chicken Ranch, did ya?
- Yeah! How about it?
- I always keep my campaign promises.
The Chicken Ranch is a fine institution
and I'm proud to have it in my district.
And to hell with what
Melvin P Thorpe says.
I'll see all you seniors out at Miss Mona's.
# We're gonna whomp and stomp
# And a-whoop it up tonight
# Those little gals won't
never ever be the same
# They're gonna love it
when we whomp and stomp
# And a-whoop it up, all right
# It's even better than
an Aggie football game
Better than a football game?
# And then we're gonna show them all
a thing or two
# We're gonna demonstrate
# Just what a champion can do
Yee-ha!
# 75 miles until we get to heaven
# 75 miles until our plans are laid
# 75 miles until we get
to the Chicken Ranch
# Where history and Aggie boys
get made
Yee-ha!
Lookit here! Watch this.
Yee-ha! Yee-ha!
All right! Hey, come on.
Attaboy!
- Ooh, yeah!
- Come on!
All right!
# 22 miles until we get to heaven
# 22 miles until our plans are laid
# 22 miles until we get
to the Chicken Ranch
# Where history and Aggie boys
get made
What the hell happened?
Do we have to wear
these ball gowns again?
Yes, and I don't wanna hear
any more bitchin' about it.
Miss Mona likes to create
somethin' special for the boys.
It's like a graduation dance.
Yee-ha!
Yee-ha! Yee-ha!
# One more mile until we get to heaven
# One more mile until our plans are laid
# One more mile until we get
to the Chicken Ranch
# Where history and Aggie boys
get made
Yee-ha!
Y'all come on in!
Oh, I'm so glad to see you.
Congratulations!
Hey, boys! I think you'll find it's a
fittin' celebration for today's victory!
- Whoo!
- Howdy, boys!
Howdy, ma'am. I'm Senator Wingwood
of the 19th District...
...and the Aggie class of '49.
Mighty proud to meet you.
To meet me!
Charlie, who you think you're talkin' to?
How's Mary Margaret and the kids?
Hell, Miss Mona,
I didn't think you'd remember.
Remember? Did you remember
to bring my cheque?
I got it right here.
Good. You know it's always a business
doin' pleasure with you, Charlie.
You boys head on out back.
We've got a nice surprise for you.
Come on, boys!
Yoo-hoo! Boys!
Hi!
Hiya, girls!
Yee-ha!
# Texas has a whorehouse in it
- Yo!
- It's me, Deputy Fred!
Come on in, Fred!
- Evenin', Sheriff.
- Happy Thanksgiving. You want a drink?
Oh, no, thank you.
That stuff always tears up my stomach.
- I was readin' in the Reader's Digest...
- What do you want, Fred?
I was makin' my rounds around town...
...and I saw Melvin P Thorpe and a bunch
of fellas headed out to the Chicken Ranch.
- Melvin P Thorpe.
- Uh-huh.
Goin' out to the Chicken Ranch, was he?
- Yeah?
- Yeah.
He's gonna be real disappointed!
See, there ain't nothin' goin' on.
Miss Mona promised me to close down.
Well, she didn't.
I was out there this evenin'.
Those Aggies was just
celebratin' to beat the band.
- Oh, no.
- Uh-huh!
- Oh, shit!
- Uh-huh.
Shh. Quiet.
Sh. This may be the most important
scoop of my television career.
Not now! Idiot boy.
Give me that. Now.
Good neighbours, we're about to enter
the whorehouse itself.
Cut. Come on.
Stay with me. Come on.
Come on, boys.
There's been a party here.
Watch your step. Sh.
Hold this.
Damn quiet.
Billy Joe, light switch.
Shh. Come on. No!
Careful.
Henry... Lights. Light switch.
Watch me.
You know what you gotta do.
Bingo. Lights!
Everybody up!
Let's get 'em!
All right! Come along!
Oh, shit!
- Jewel, what in hell is goin' on?
- Call the sheriff!
It's that Melvin P Thorpe sucker!
Oh! Ooh!
They're smokin'! Cocaine!
Take their picture!
All right...
Take her picture!
Thank you!
- Excuse me, ma'am.
- Y'all come back now, you hear?
Come on, boys!
Ooh! Look who's here.
Senator, the eyes of Texas are upon you.
Come on, boys!
We got all we need.
Thank you, ma'am.
Oh!
Miss Mona!
Melvin P Thorpe. Gotcha!
Let's get to those vans!
We're gonna make the mornin' news!
See you on TV!
Holy shit!
God almighty.
Damn it! You gave me your word!
And I took it!
- Now, I'm the law!
- That law! Talk about the law!
A bunch of crazies break into my house,
takin' pictures, invadin' my privacy.
Do you wanna know what the law's
gonna do? I can tell you - nothin'!
They had no reason to do nothin'
if you'd done what you said!
I trusted you. That's what hurt.
Don't you talk to me about trust!
I trusted you to protect me!
I made a mistake tonight, OK?
If that's your apology,
it ain't worth armadillo crap.
I ain't apologisin'! I'm a businesswoman
payin' out double taxes!
I expect a little protection for my money!
Where were you? I couldn't get you...
I was in bed, because you gave me
your word you were closin' down.
If Sheriff Jack Roy Wallace
was here, none of this...
Sheriff Jack Roy Wallace
couldn't hold my jock!
Goddamn it, Mona, you're makin' me mad!
Whoo! Listen at him cuss and shout.
Just like on TV!
You're just a kid
playin' at bein' a cowboy.
You ain't never gonna grow up!
You use me as your mistress.
You use that damn Dulcie Mae
as your in-town wife.
You even use that little boy of hers...
...so you can play weekend daddy!
- Leave him out of it!
You're playin'. You're just a big,
overgrown kid playin' at bein' a man!
I don't have to listen
to this shit. Damn it!
I'm the law. If I choose to, I'll close
this place down till hell freezes over.
Don't you threaten me.
I'm tellin' the truth, and you know it!
And all of your big dreams
of goin' to the legislature.
They're just dreams, cos you ain't never
gonna be no more than you are right now.
A chickenshit sheriff
in a chickenshit town.
You may be right. It's a hell of a lot
better than bein' a whore.
Legalised prostitution, pro or con,
is in the news today.
For a report, here is
Jeff Gerald in Gilbert, Texas.
The Chicken Ranch,
the legendary bawdyhouse...
...is showing little activity after the
disclosure of the Thanksgiving-night raid.
- Get away!
- The deputy keeps away onlookers...
...while up at the house the doors are
closed and the principals are not talking.
The Sheriff of Gilbert
refused interviews,...
...while in Houston the man who launched
the campaign, Melvin P Thorpe,...
...held a press conference today.
This report says that the Chicken Ranch...
...is involved with and under the influence
of organised crime.
I am gonna take this report to Austin
in the hopes that the governor himself...
...will come out of his long silence
on this issue and uphold the law.
Thank you. Thank you very much.
The governor made no statement,...
...but Senator Charles Wingwood,
a principal figure in the raid,...
...held a press conference
explaining his involvement.
I have no independent recollection
of going to the Chicken Ranch.
I can only say, as the most dedicated
anti-Communist in the state legislature...
...that I must have been drugged by
Communists or Communist sympathisers...
...and placed there to harm
my reputation and good name.
Reaction across the state
is split 50-50.
But here in Gilbert,
the Chicken Ranch has many supporters.
I ain't never seen anything bad come out
of there, and I've lived here all my life.
Why, they attract a lot
of business to the community.
They pay their taxes,
just like you and me!
No one... no one was ever
forced to go up there.
My Frank, when he was alive,
used to go up there every Saturday.
I took it as a blessin'.
Of course, things were different then.
Nowadays women enjoy doin'
that sort of thing themselves.
At least, so I've been told.
The Chicken Ranch?
I think it's a good idea.
See, you take young boys
and they're gonna be lookin' for women.
If they can't find 'em, they'll rape 'em.
And if they don't...
...they'll run to other women and get
diseases! Those girls went to doctors.
Although petitions are being circulated
to save the Chicken Ranch...
...this bumper sticker
is beginning to appear.
And so, as feminists support the bill for
the decriminalisation of prostitution...
...while traditionalists
lobby for its defeat,...
...the fate of the Chicken Ranch rests with
the governor, who again was unavailable.
Jeff Gerald, ABC News,
Gilbert, Texas.
Thank you, Jeff. If there are...
Well, I hate admitting
I was wrong, Miss Mona.
But with television broadcasting all this...
...we should've done what the sheriff said
and kept this place closed.
It was my fault, Jewel. It was my decision.
He ain't gonna be able to stop it
this time, is he?
No. He'd like to,
but he's out of his league.
He don't know how to fight 'em.
He's just a good old boy
that ain't never gonna grow up.
Honey, we see everything
in this profession.
But one thing I ain't never seen,
man nor woman, is a grown-up.
Don't be too hard on him.
He loves you.
Well, he ain't never said it.
Some men can't say the words, honey.
But that don't mean
they don't feel it in their heart.
Well, it's just as well anyhow, Jewel.
I set my course a long time ago...
...and I can't go changin' now.
I don't know what to do. Folks got nothin'
to talk about but this Chicken Ranch mess.
Chicken Ranch, Chicken Ranch...
All of this bad publicity's
flat ruinin' business.
- I haven't sold a car in a week.
- It's ruinin' the town.
No one's blamin' you, Ed Earl.
It ain't your fault.
But we can't just sit around here
waitin' to grow tits!
The way I see it, the Chicken Ranch
served a purpose once.
But now everything's openin' up.
Do you know we are in the middle
of a worldwide sexual revolution?
Why, Miss Mona's ain't obscene,
it's just obsolete.
She ain't got a handful
of supporters left, Ed Earl.
All this publicity's makin' folks think
twice about signin' that petition.
Why can't that station in Houston look at
the cesspool in their own back yard?
How about Austin?
Two blocks from the state capitol...
...you can have anything done to you
that you can get in Tangiers!
There's naked massages, tongue baths...
...somebody ticklin' your ass
with a feather.
If you know that for a fact,
Mr Newspaper Editor...
...it's your duty to expose it!
Now, you see here, CJ! I don't give
a damn if folks want their ass tickled!
I kinda like to think that
that's what heaven is all about.
Boys, I got myself
a pretty good bullshit detector.
I can tell when somebody's peein' on
my boots and tellin' me it's a rainstorm.
Now, this thing's gotten way outta hand.
I don't know how.
- I figure there's only one thing to do.
- Close it down!
Nope. I'm goin' to Austin.
See the governor. Tell him
Miss Mona's side of the situation.
He sure as hell won't hear about it
from anybody here.
- You can't go up and see the governor!
- He don't see anybody!
He'll see me.
Feel like the country dog in the city.
If I stand still, they screw me.
If I run, they bite me in the ass.
I... I wish...
...there was somethin' I could do.
Thank you.
They want me to close her down,
run her out of town.
How can I ask her to leave,
when all I want her to do is stay?
Ladies and gentlemen,
His Excellency, the Governor of Texas.
My friends, I want to thank you for that
sincere and heartwarming ovation.
No questions, please.
Governor, what do you think of
the crisis in the Middle East?
I was sayin' at the weekly prayer
breakfast in this historic capitol...
...that it behooves
the Jews and the Arabs...
...to settle their differences
in a christian manner.
Have you seen the evidence of the
disgraceful situation at the Chicken Ranch?
# Fellow Texans, I am proudly
# Standing here to humbly say
# I assure you
# And I mean it
# Now, who says I don't speak out
as plain as day?
# And fellow Texans
# I'm for progress and the flag
# Long may it fly
# I'm a poor boy
come to greatness
# So it follows
that I cannot tell a lie
- What the hell did he say?
- Same as usual. Not a damn thing.
# Ooh, I love to dance
a little sidestep
# Now they see me, now they don't,
I've come and gone
# And ooh, I love to sweep
around the wide step
# Cut a little swath
and lead the people on
- Governor!
- Yeah.
- Jerry Rogers of the Houston Post.
- Hi, Jerry.
Governor, do you plan to take action
against the Chicken Ranch?
# Now, my good friends,
it behooves me
# To be solemn and declare
# I'm for goodness and for profit
# And for living clean
and saying daily prayer
# And now, my good friends,
you can sleep nights
# I'll continue to stand tall
# You can trust me
for I promise
# I shall keep a watchful eye
upon y'all
- Did you get that?
- I hear him talkin', but he don't come in.
# Ooh, I love to dance
a little sidestep
# Now they see me, now they don't,
I've come and gone
# And ooh, I love to sweep
around the wide step
# Cut a little swath
and lead the people on
There he is. Come on, boys.
Governor! Governor.
Melvin P Thorpe,
Watchdog News.
Why has the Chicken Ranch operation
been so long ignored?
We have acoustic problems in here.
- Aren't you afraid of payoffs and bribes?
- Melvin, I'm sorry.
Enough pussyfootin', Governor.
What will you do...
...about Miss Mona and the Chicken Ranch?
# Now Miss Mona,
I don't know her
# Though I've heard the name,
oh, yes
# But of course I have
no close contact
# So what she is doin'
I can only guess
# And now Miss Mona
# She's a blemish
on the face of that good town
# I am takin' certain steps here
# Someone somewhere's
gonna have to close her down
Can you believe that man?
- Is that a yes or a no?
- That's a possible maybe.
# Ooh, I love to dance
a little sidestep
# Now they see me, now they don't,
I've come and gone
# And ooh, I love to sweep
around the wide step
# Cut a little swath
and lead the people on
# Ooh, I love to dance
a little sidestep
# Ooh, I love to sweep
around the wide step
# Cut a little swath
and lead the people on
Governor? I have Sheriff Dodd from Gilbert
waiting outside to see you.
He's been here since early this morning
and is very insistent.
Swearin' Sheriff Dodd?
The one on TV?
No, no, no, no...
Hi, Sheriff!
Just talkin' about you.
How are ya?
Governor, I know I'm way outta line
comin' up here...
...but before you close the Chicken Ranch
you must know the facts.
I haven't made that decision!
My aides are workin' on that.
Well, the Chicken Ranch has been
in my county since before I was born.
Its doors have been open to soldiers
and presidents and farmers.
Even governors who can remember
what a great institution it is.
- No need to bring that up.
- I ain't threatenin' you.
Whatever you say, I'll do.
But think of the people.
I've known Miss Mona for 12 years.
You'll never meet a finer woman.
She never refuses a charity.
The whole town likes her.
Hospital fund, new swimmin' pool,
even the Little Leaguers.
She bought 'em uniforms so they wouldn't
have to play in their overalls.
Well...
I wasn't aware of her civic generosity.
- But the law is the law!
- Sometimes it's gotta be changed.
I been fightin' crime all my life,
but let's not confuse crime with sin.
You can't legislate morality.
Those girls have never caused any trouble.
They're healthy, taxpayin',
law-abidin' citizens...
...who supply a demand and provide
an economic asset to the community.
Whew! Ed Earl!
You ever think about
runnin' for office? Huh?
I swear, you make that whorehouse sound
like a damn nonprofit recreational facility.
Governor, if the citizens who elected me
found it necessary to close it down...
...I would close it down.
If Miss Mona and the girls
that work for her...
...were jeopardisin' the health
or morals of the community...
...I would close it down.
If the place was just a piddlin' nuisance,
an eyesore, a fire hazard...
...I would close it down!
But there's nothin'!
No reason except the goddamn cries...
...of a muckrakin' sensationalist
on television.
Here they are, Governor.
What you've been waitin' for.
Oh, I'm sorry, Ed Earl.
The Chicken Ranch loses,
42 to 37, with 21% undecided.
- What is that?
- The polls.
You can't expect me
to go against the polls.
Melvin still outside?
Maybe I can catch the cameras.
- Good seein' ya.
- But it's not what my people want.
Show's over, Sheriff.
Close it down!
- Hooray!
- Ha-ha!
# Melvin Thorpe
has done it once again
# He's shone his light and now we see
# Melvin Thorpe will go
through thick and thin
# And lead us on to victory
# Ooh, I love to dance
a little sidestep
# Now they see me, now they don't,
I've come and gone
# And ooh, I love to sweep
around the wide step
# Cut a little swath
and lead the people on
# Melvin Thorpe
has done it once again
# He's shone his light and now we see
# Melvin Thorpe will go
through thick and thin
# And lead us on to victory
# Melvin Thorpe
has done it once again
# He's shone his light and now we see
I'd love to see
that sheriff's face right now!
That Chicken Ranch
is gonna get it in the neck!
And Miss Mona, she's gonna get hers too.
# Melvin Thorpe will go
through thick and thin
# And lead us all to victory
Sorry son of a bitch.
Hello.
Mona, this is an official call.
As the Sheriff of Lanville County,
it's my duty...
Why don't you just get to the point,
Sheriff?
- I gotta close you down.
- I see.
How long do we have?
Be better to do it
as soon as possible.
I understand.
Mona.
About the other night.
I lost my temper.
I said some things
I shouldn't have said.
I want to apologise.
Oh, it's all right, Ed Earl.
I think we both said
a whole lot of things we regret.
If there's anything I can do...
No, thank you.
I think you've done all you could.
I have to tell my girls.
Well, the news has come.
Just got a call from the sheriff...
...and we are closed down.
Immediately and permanently.
Oh... What'll we do?
Well... Las Vegas, here I come.
Damn! I thought when the sheriff
went to speak to the governor...
...we'd get a reprieve.
- What did you say?
- Didn't you know about that, Miss Mona?
- He drove up last night.
The whole town's talkin' about
the way he fought for you.
Didn't he tell you that?
No. No, he didn't.
# Hey, maybe I'll dye my hair
# Maybe I'll move somewhere
# Maybe I'll get a car
# Maybe I'll drive so far
they'll all lose track
# Me, I'll bounce right back
# Maybe I'll sleep real late
# Maybe I'll lose some weight
# Maybe I'll clear my junk
# Maybe I'll just get drunk
on apple wine
# Me, I'll be just fine and dandy
# Lord, it's like a hard candy Christmas
# I'm barely gettin' through tomorrow
# But still I won't let
sorrow bring me way down
# I'll be fine and dandy
# Lord, it's like a hard candy Christmas
# I'm barely gettin' through tomorrow
# But still I won't let
sorrow bring me way down
# Hey, maybe I'll learn to sew
# Hey, maybe I'll just lie low
# Maybe I'll hit the bars
# Maybe I'll count the stars
until the dawn
# Me, I will go on
# Maybe I'll settle down
# Maybe I'll just leave town
# Maybe I'll have some fun
# Maybe I'll meet someone
and make him mine
# Me, I'll be just fine and dandy
# Lord, it's like a hard candy Christmas
# I'm barely gettin' through tomorrow
# But still I won't let
sorrow bring me way down
# I'll be fine and dandy
# Lord, it's like a hard candy Christmas
# I'm barely gettin' through tomorrow
# But still I won't let
sorrow bring me way down
# I'll be fine and dandy
# Lord, it's like a hard candy Christmas
# I'm barely gettin' through tomorrow
# But still I won't let
sorrow bring me way down
# I'll be fine
# I'll be fine
# I'll be fine
So the girls left, and it was
a sorry day for Lanville County.
Kinda like the end of an era.
You know, like when you graduate
from high school?
Things are just never the same again.
Ed Earl's up in the state legislature now...
...and I became the sheriff.
I suppose you're wonderin'
what happened to Miss Mona.
Well, Ed Earl drove up there
on her last day.
- Hey, Sheriff.
- Good morning, Jewel.
I'm so pleased to see you.
I knew you couldn't let me leave...
...without a sweet goodbye
for your old Porky.
- Goodbye, Jewel.
- Goodbye, Sheriff.
I sure hope you come up north
to visit Miss Mona and me.
- Where is she?
- Inside.
See you're takin' the old juke with you.
Now, you know I couldn't leave
without my bell and my box.
Ed Earl?
This old place looks
kinda funny, don't it?
Ben Sawtuck bought all my furniture and
Langston downtown's gonna sell the rest.
- Mona, I wanna tell you somethin'.
- I want you to thank your boys for me.
Those reporters would have got outta hand
if it hadn't been for your deputies.
- You know me better than...
- Ed Earl, the thing to do...
...is to put this whole thing behind you
just as quick as you can.
I've made a little money, I've laughed,
I've danced to the music.
It's just time to pay
the fiddler, that's all.
Mona, we've been together a long time.
Sometimes I think you know me
better than I know myself.
You know how hard
this is for me to say.
I love you.
Will you marry me?
Oh, Ed Earl, I've loved you
since I was 16 years old.
But I've thought about this
for a long time.
And as much as I'd love
for it to work...
...I know deep down in my heart
it ain't never gonna be.
- Didn't you hear what I said?
- I did, darlin'.
But it's gonna always be
just like it is.
There just ain't no way
in this world it can work.
We could make it work.
Just have to give it a chance.
# If I should stay
# Well, I would only be in your way
# And so I'll go
# And yet I know
# That I'll think of you
each step of the way
# And I
# Will always love you
# I will always
# Love you
# Bittersweet memories
# I guess that's all
I'll be takin' with me
# Goodbye
# Oh, please, don't cry
# Cos we both know
that I'm not what you need
# But I
# Will always love you
# I will always
# Love you
I know you're gonna get your dream.
And I know you're gonna do
a real good job in the legislature.
- But if you was to marry me...
- Wait a second.
I love you.
I don't give a damn what people say.
Jewel! Hold it right there!
What's that, Sheriff?
- Which one of them bags is hers?
- That one.
And that one there, there...
Oh, Sheriff!
I always knew you'd come through!
Whoa!
Well, that's pretty darn close
to the way it happened.
The old Watchdog, Melvin P Thorpe,
got what he wanted.
Miss Mona married Ed Earl,
and they got what they wanted.
And the people of Texas,
well, they got what they wanted:
Another legend.
The legend of the Chicken Ranch.
# It's just a little bitty
pissant country place
# Nothin' much to see
# No drinkin' allowed
we get a nice quiet crowd
# Plain as it can be
# It's just a piddly, squattin'
old-time country place
# Nothin' too high-toned
# Just lots of goodwill
and maybe one small thrill
# But there's nothin' dirty goin' on
# It's just a little bitty
pissant country place
# Nothin' much to see
# No drinkin' allowed,
we get a nice quiet crowd
# Plain as it can be
# It's just a piddly, squattin'
old-time country place
# Nothin' too high-toned
# Just lots of goodwill
and maybe one small thrill
# Just lots of goodwill
and maybe one small thrill
# Just lots of goodwill
and maybe one small thrill
# But there's nothin' dirty goin' on
# Nothin' dirty goin' on
Y'all come back now, you hear?