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Best Thanksgiving Ever (2016)
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[gunshot] [rapid gunfire] MIKE: 97.1 The Ticket, Valenti and Foster. Big game tomorrow T, downtown, your Lions take on the mighty Packers in what's sure to be another disappointing Thanksgiving day. TERRY: Come on, man, you can't say that. MIKE: I can say it because I'm not Helen Keller, but who cares what I think, let's go to the people. 248-539-9797... MALE 1: Boys, tomorrow's Thanksgiving. And let me just tell you, I got a lot to be thankful for. But God dammit, it all starts with you guys. So, if you'll indulge me for just a moment, this round's on me. Charlie P., I've never come across someone who inspires optimism the way you do. Even though the Lions haven't won a playoff game in a couple of decades, you still bet your entire paycheck every September that they're gonna win it all. This year is their year. - I can feel it. - Stop right there. In my opinion, they've got a fistful of rings based on your support alone. America's Guest. Good times or bad, you're always there. Right there in that very stool to lend an ear. I don't think I've ever worked a shift... that you haven't been here for. - So, thank you. - There you go. MALE 1: For being someone that I could depend on. And Earl, I mean, look at you, man. I mean, no matter how bad the economy gets, you're always looking for a better job. - I'm so proud to say that... - Okay, okay, okay, enough. I can't deal with this anymore. Are we at the same fucking bar? This dummy's a degenerate gambler with debts all over town. You know why they call him America's Guest? 'Cause I don't think he's paid for a drink in his life. - It's true. - And Earl's not looking through the Classifieds for a job, he's looking for an escort. What do it mean when she speaks Greek? Anal, for a fee, of course. EARL: Oh, I got a credit card. I'll pay for it. I work at the plant, baby, we got good benefits. Why you got to do that? Why can't you just see the good in people? AMERICA'S GUEST: Yeah, why do you do that? MALE 2: Oh, yeah, well, because while everyone's busy blowing sunshine up society's collective ass, it is my job to speak the truth. CHARLIE P.: Think it's your job to be an asshole. MALE 1: You may be right, C.P. Sure, he's violent, crass, maybe even a little psychotic. Yes, he's an asshole, but he's a lovable asshole. - Where are you going with this? - And ever since our freshman year at St. Jude's, he's been there for me. CHARLIE P.: Oh, what happened? MALE 1: These four senior football players tried to jump me. - What they come to you for? - Look at him; I didn't know whether to save him or pile on. MALE 1: It was some initiation thing. They were trying to stuff me into a trash can. Brad came from out of nowhere, tackled two of them, they let go of me, and they kicked his ass instead. [laughing] Got your ass kicked. I would've taken 'em too, if it wasn't for that 300 pound lineman they had sit on me. MALE 1: Brad, he just finished a 14-year career with Buffalo. - That's no excuse. - Anyway, asshole aside, he's our asshole because he's got it where it counts. And I'm proud to call this guy right here... - my best friend. - Give it up. Give it up for him. [clapping] Come on, now. Hey, that was really great, okay, seriously, what the fuck's gotten into you? MALE 1: Truth be told, I finally put together enough scratch to put a down payment on a condo. And I'm gonna ask Michelle to move in with me. No, no, don't start that shit. MALE 1: Brad, Brad, Brad! What was our motto senior year? - Kill those motherfuckers? - No! "The time is now." And the time is now. - Buddy, she's the one. - Yeah, but Kev, - I'm telling you... - Will you please stop worrying about me for once, please? Let's talk about you, what about that therapist? It's not therapy, okay? It's a fucking support group. - Get it right. - Okay, well, how's it going with that? It's fine, I guess. Look, I know I have a problem. I'm a happily married man... yet I'm stricken with this great burden of being arguably the horniest man alive, and I've found with a lot of consultation that I can look at other women. There's nothing wrong with that. - Nor should there be. - That's right, man. What I can't wrap my head around is why a hand job is cheating. EARL: Because she got a gag ball in her mouth and she squealing. KEVIN: Oh, boy, I... BRAD: I mean, take tigers for example, king of the fucking jungle. KEVIN: That's lions, but okay. BRAD: Do they not fuck whomever they want? KEVIN: Jesus Christ, Rachel, are you ready? - Yeah. - [clears throat] BRAD: Oh, yeah, have another. - Yup, I know my limit. - Boys, look, I got to go. - What? - I love every one of you. Thank you, and happy Thanksgiving, guys. BRAD: No, this isn't over, buddy. - Go get her, tiger. - Kev! Come on! CHARLIE P.: Hey, I'll get you money next week. BRAD: It's a holiday, take an extra day. What the fuck are you staring at, you dirty Mick. You're seeing a shrink?! BRAD: Fuck you, I am not seeing a shrink. It is a supp... It is a support group! AMERICA'S GUEST: Did you have to get on the little couch? [laughing] Happy Thanksgiving to you. Ya. [uplifting music] MALE SINGER: I'm not dreaming away I'm not fantasizing There's that thing that's for sure That knock on the door That very look on that face They call it intuition Oh, but there's only one There's no thinking it out No trace of a doubt I only know that I'm in I get a feeling and it wakes me Morning light that she makes me But knock on my heart, save me one last time You open wide and let it all begin Love's knocking on my door [moaning] [soft quirky music] MICHELLE: Oh, yeah, oh! Fuck me! [swing rock music] [glass breaks] [horn honks] [soft quirky music] [horn honks] - Call Michelle. - Call Adele, calling. - No, no, cancel. - Cancel. - Call Michelle, mobile. - Bob Hartzell, mobile, calling. - No, no, cancel. - Make up your mind. Fuck you, I said call Michelle! AUTOMATED VOICE: Michelle, calling. [ringing] MICHELLE: [voice mail] If I wanted to talk to you, I would've answered, silly. Text me, oh, and follow me on Insta. And remember, Michelle loves ya. [sighs] [upbeat pop music] [bells ringing] NEIGHBOR: Hey, asshole, what are you doing? [sirens blaring] [grunting] [rock music] What?! Look at that. [echoes] What?! Look at that. [eerie music] You don't re-rack your weights, huh? You stupid, smelly, motherfucker! Huh, you like how that feels? You fucking piece of shit! [cell phone rings] [grunts] What's up, bro? See you in the steam room, motherfuckers. What? [soft quirky music] [buzzing] [prisoner shouting] First degree arson? What are you, 14 years old? KEVIN: I caught Michelle cheating on me. BRAD: Oh, Kev. So that's why you lit a trash can on fire? OFFICER: Was looking at a class one felony if that trash hadn't burned itself out. BRAD: Oh, he's sorry, Officer. Guy's always been a mess when it comes to the ladies. I tried to say she was no good, but his nuts fell off as I spoke. OFFICER: Yeah, well, there ain't nothing wrong with a little sensitivity; We all go through that. My ex left me... for a Team Six SEAL back in '04. I cried like a bitch for three days. Lost 15 pounds and listened to sad music for a year. BRAD: That must've been tough fighting crime with a broken heart. OFFICER: Heh, you have no idea. Hey, sign here. Good news is that life gets better. One day you wake up and suddenly that pain is gone, you know? Then you wonder why you cared in the first place. Let's get you out of here, I can't watch a cop cry. [thunder rumbling] KEVIN: How could she do this to us? We were so happy... where did it all go wrong. BRAD: Dogs with big nuts should have to wear underwear. Dude. - Are you even listening to me? - Yeah, bro, I've been listening to you all day. Kev, I know you're going through some shit right now, but I promise you're not gonna feel this way forever. - It sure as hell feels like it. - Well, you need to go out, you know, lay a couple of fours and fives, and work your way back up. As if that's gonna solve anything. It may not solve anything, but it sure will feel good. Emotionless sex with less attractive women is going to make me feel better? - I don't think so. - Oh, are you kidding me? It's very liberating. You could treat 'em like farm animals. Take out all aggression on 'em. What do you think fours and fives are for? Yeah, I'm not into that. BRAD: Not into what? Farming? WAITER: What's up, Brad, Kev? You guys need anything else? BRAD: Incidentally, Gus, I'd like a saganaki. GUS: You got it, princess. BRAD: Got any tzatziki back there? Maybe I should call her. Yeah, okay, for what, to ask her how the sex was? Kev... listen. We've known each other forever, and you know how much I love you. So you understand when I tell you that Michelle was a piece of shit from day one and you got a front row seat to prove it. Yeah. Yeah, I guess you're right. How could I not have seen this coming? BRAD: You didn't see it coming, but you saw it when it came, - didn't you? - Dude, does everything you say have to be so crass? BRAD: Truth hurts, pal. - Jesus. - He can't save you until you die, so until then, you should continue to listen to me. Tomorrow's a new day, a clean slate. It will be fine, I promise. [police sirens] [mellow morose music] [cell phone vibrating] [soft quirky music] AUTOMATED VOICE: You have one unheard message. First unheard message: MICHELLE'S VOICE: Where are you, sleepy head? I'm so sorry to do this, but I won't be able to do our Thanksgiving tonight. - Something came up -[spank] -and ouch, stop it. I've got to babysit the neighbor's dog, so let's see each other tomorrow? Happy Thanksgi... AUTOMATED VOICE: Message deleted. [upbeat music] BRAD: All right, since you're bound to lose 10 or 15 pounds anyways, you might as well take advantage of it, okay? [weight lifter] Come on! Hah! - Brad! - Yeah? - Brad? - What? KEVIN: I need you. [pop music] - Great spot. - Yeah, of course. - You get any sleep last night? - Yeah. I guess. BRAD: At least it was in your bed and not the couch. - Thanks for that. - Don't mention it. I've been thinking about our conversation last night, and... I really think it'd help the healing process if you started to meet some women. KEVIN: I told you... can't think about that shit right now. BRAD: Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Kev, I get it, okay, but look. Take her for instance. She's kind of a dumpy broad, but, you know, I bet she'd be fun. - No thanks. - No thanks, what? I never said marry her, she's probably dying to get laid. KEVIN: Yeah, well, I'm not. BRAD: Oh, there she is. Ass like an Irish setter. KEVIN: Who says that? BRAD: Hammer time! [Hammer] What's going on, man, you good? BRAD: I'm great, man. Break anybody in half today? [Hammer] Oh, you know how I do. BRAD: Hey, it's my buddy Kevin, Kevin, this is the Hammer. - Nice to meet you. - Yeah, yeah, yeah, whatever. All right, dude, good to see you, baby. - Happy Thanksgiving, pal. - Hey, you too, you too. - Calvin, pleasure. - Kevin. [Hammer] Yeah, whatever. Man, what's that guy, like an MMA fighter or something? BRAD: Neighborhood pharmacist. KEVIN: Why do they call him the Hammer? BRAD: 'Cause his dick's bigger than your arm. [woman laughs] [Hammer] This is fantastic. How do you do that again? Oh yeah, that's it. [hum of blender] So, how's Liz doing? BRAD: Liz is good, she's at home right now fisting a turkey. KEVIN: She's awesome, man. You really hit the jackpot. So, what are you doing today? - Nothing. - Why don't you come to my place? - Thanks, but I'm good. - What?! Come on. I'm just... I'm just not in the mood. You're not in the mood? You'd rather spend Thanksgiving alone in your apartment beating off with tears in your eyes than at your best friend's house? I don't think that I'd be much fun right now. BRAD: Kevin, you, like, haven't been much fun in a couple years. Just come over. All right, I'll think about it. BRAD: Come on. You want some smoothie? Just come over. - Come over! - All right, all right. I'll come. Thank you. [orchestral music] [grunting] Oh, that's the ticket. - Well, hello there. - Hi, how was the gym? BRAD: Gym was good, yeah. - Honey... - Yes, honey? - Could you give me one second? - For what? LIZ: Hey now! To get my hand out of this turkey's ass? BRAD: That's my girl. All right, guess who's coming to dinner? LIZ: Sidney Poitier. BRAD: No, who the fuck is that? LIZ: Really, Brad? - Kevin, I invited Kevin. - Oh, fun! Oh, that's good. I haven't seen Kevin and Michelle in a while. - That's great. - Yeah, unless she's coming with somebody else, she won't be attending. LIZ: They broke up?! BRAD: Sort of, she cheated, he saw it, he's crushed. No, when did this happen? Yesterday mid-day. Oh! My God, that's terrible. - Yeah. - What a fucking slut. BRAD: I love it when you talk that way. LIZ: Well, I'm glad you invited him, he shouldn't be alone right now. Uncle Bruce and Aunt Marc and Larry and Margret will be here. And he'll have a good time. BRAD: Yeah, um, in other news... could you do it for me? I don't have time for this. - Just, please, come on. - I don't have time, - I'm in the middle of cooking. - Liz, it's once a year. [humming, clapping] [soft quirky music] [clears throat] FEMALE PORNSTAR: Yeah, you like that? You like the way my ass tastes, Paulo?? PAULO: No habla ingls. [moaning] FEMALE PORNSTAR: Oh, don't stop, oh, fuck me. Oh, yes, fuck me, fuck my ass. [moaning] Fuck me! Oh, yeah, stick your fingers in there. Oh, give me your fingers. Oh, fuck. Oh, God. [moaning] Oh, oh, fuck me. Don't lick my ass anymore, just fuck me! [groovy music] Fuck my ass, fuck my ass, Paulo. [moaning] [cell phone vibrating] [moaning] - Kevin? - Mom! [soft quirky music] [loudspeaker] Happy Thanksgiving, Market Square shoppers. Flowers and select merch are 30 percent off. Although, please note the store will be closing in 20 minutes. FEMALE SINGER: I know that look of love becomes [acoustic guitar music] I know that look of love becomes Something that tells me in those eyes So soft and lovely are those eyes Come along, then you're gone Still I long for the one Come along, then you're gone Still I long for the one [clears throat] - Things get better, ya know? - Excuse me? The weak grip on the flowers, your slouched posture, your head hanging low, it screams heartbreak. - It's that obvious, huh? - Might as well be carrying around a jar with your nuts in it. CASHIER: I can take you over here. - Thanks. - Yeah, okay. - Think about it. - Be nice. - Hang in there. - Thanks. SHOPPER: It's gonna be all right. CASHIER: Here we go. ID please. Thank you... Kevin. So, any exciting plans for "we stole your land" day? BRAD: I'm just going to my friend's house. CASHIER: Mm, sounds fun! Flowers for the lady, I assume? Uh, no, never assume, actually. Really? Hi. No, no, no, they're for my friend's wife. - Oh! - Yeah, that's... I'm not. CASHIER: I mean, a handsome guy like you come in here - looking at me. - How about you two queens exchange numbers and move on? - I got places to be. - Easy Sons of Anarchy. We are finishing up. $19.95, please. - [inaudible] - Want change? - Keep it. - Okay, handsome. - Have a good Thanksgiving. - You too. You're such a bitch sometimes, Harvey. - I'm a bitch? - Yes, you're a bitch. What happened last night, you were supposed to call me at 8:00 and you didn't. My phone died. Sorry. I told you not to call me Harvey in public. - It's Beast. - Beast? I'm not a princess. [soft quirky music] [doorbell chimes] - Kev, hey! - Hey. LIZ: Come here. How are you? Oh, we are... we are so glad you came. - Um, where should I put this? - Yes, ah, they're beautiful! Thank you, thank you so much. Uh, Brad, Kevin's here! - There he is. - Here he is. - So, what now? - Well, it's Thanksgiving. Let's go in the kitchen, act like we're helping Liz, she'll kick us out, we'll be watching the game in no time. KEVIN: Sounds good. Um, hey... So, I was thinking about calling Michelle. You know, maybe she just had a bad moment. BRAD: A bad moment? You call getting popped in the ass on the same couch you two used to cuddle on... a bad moment? KEVIN: I'm sorry, you're right. BRAD: Larry and Margret should be here soon. - Who's Margret? - Girl he's been banging, says he really likes her. - Good, good for him. - "Good, good for him," don't give me that gloomy Gus shit, come on, man! A lot of guys would kill to be in your position. KEVIN: What? Seeing their girlfriend bent over with another guy? Right. BRAD: No, I'm talking about being good looking, single, and living in America. - [doorbell chimes] - Hi, hi guys! - Happy Turkey Day! - Hi, Lar, how are you? - Hi, um... - Margret. So nice to meet you. Thank you so much for having me. You have such a lovely home. - You're so beautiful. - Thank you, thank you. Welcome. - Where are the guys? - Brad and Kevin are in the kitchen pretending to help out. Uh, go ahead, grab a drink, I will be right there. Do you have any idea what would've happened if this shit went down in Qatar? You'd be riding through the desert in tears on your camel, and she'd be getting stoned to death in the town square. LARRY: Hey, hey! - What's up, bro? - Good to see you, Brad! - You too, man. - Yeah! Hey, Kev, how you doing, man? I'm... I'm good. I'm okay, man, you know? LARRY: You sure about that, man? Your energy feels a little off. - I'm all right. - His girl got mid-day cock from another man, but he's on the mend. LARRY: Oh, no, in the middle of the day? MARGRET: So sorry. KEVIN: Let's talk about something else. LARRY: Oh, this is Margret. Margret, this is Brad and Kevin. MARGRET: It is so nice to meet you. I've heard so much about you. So handsome, yet so debonair. BRAD: It's really nice to meet you too. MARGRET: Thank you! BRAD: What the fuck does debonair mean? BRUCE: Hello! BRAD: Oh, shit, ladies, welcome. MARC: Did someone say "gobble, gobble"? - I think you've gobbled enough. - Cute, Brad. - Thank you for having us. - Hey, Bradley, where's Liz? I wanna show her something with the turkey that I saw on The Chew this morning. BRUCE: Will you stop it? Not even here a minute and he's already trying to change things. MARC: Hey, I'm Marc, nice to meet you. - Margret! - Oh, that's funny. Hi, Marc. Oh, Bradley! [mixed conversation] LIZ: Okay, hey! All right. - Out of my kitchen. - Oh! BRAD: What'd I tell you? Let's watch the game. Okay! Let's put this... She's heavy. - Wow, this looks amazing. - Thank you, thank you. - Okay, who wants to say grace? - I'll do it! BRUCE: Wow, nobody's that quick on the draw. - She loves to say grace. - It's true, I do. I used to always say grace for dinner back in Iowa. - Oh. - Iowa? No kidding. BRAD: All right, let's go, grace it up. LIZ: Oh, just gonna do that. MARC: We're doing it. Dear Lord, we gather here today grateful. Grateful for love, and life, and nature. Thank you for protecting us, and keeping us safe from criminals and diseases, and for giving us the gift of our sexuality. BRAD: Are you fucking kidding me? MARGRET: I want to thank you on a personal note for Larry. I love him so much. And I can't wait to show him just how much again later on tonight. LIZ: Oh. [clearing throat] MARGRET: And then... Um, I want to thank you for Liz and Brad. If it wasn't for them, we wouldn't have left the house this week. And for Bruce and Marc. Even though they're gay, they are so sweet. And that's all we can ask for nowadays. And thank you for Kevin. He seems nice. In the Lord's name, we pray. EVERYONE: Amen! That was so beautiful, baby. BRAD: Yeah, that was really something. Pass the fucking beans. LIZ: Cheers, everyone! BRUCE: Ah, cheers. Happy Thanksgiving. [indistinct chatter] [bright orchestral music] BRAD: Do you want a drumstick, take a bite, take a bite! MARC: Oh, Roman times! I don't want that. LIZ: Stop. [laughing] MARC: Mannequin is one of my favorite movies. Mannequin one, not two. [singing] Oh, my God. MARC: "Oh, guys, I'm Margret, blah." BRUCE: All right, get off now, you're embarrassing me. MARC: I'm just trying to have fun. Okay, by the way, I hate to bring it up... - Oh, stop it. - No, don't tell me to stop it. LIZ: Take our picture, do you have your phone? MARC: Guys, by the way, cute couple picture. - Chin down. - Ugh, Kevin, you're so sweet. Why are you still single? Higher up, though, higher up. Angle from higher up. Higher up! [camera shutter clicking] [laughing] LARRY: Bruce, could you put a little more corn pudding on there? BRUCE: Unbelievable. You straight guys eat as much as you want. Us gay boys are always watching our figures. Bulimia. It's 'cause size doesn't matter to us, right, Kev? MARC: Oh, that's what Liz said. [laughing] - He's lying. - But you did. - Where's the bathroom? - Oh, I'll show you. It's right this way. MARC: Hug the wall, sweetie, hug the wall. KEVIN: So, Lar... - When did you guys meet? - A couple of weeks ago. MARC: Wow, that's fast. LARRY: What can I say, man, she's great. I mean, when I first met Margret... I just knew. MARC: Knew what? You're beautiful. You're capable. You're sexy. KEVIN: She seems so family-orientated. [sniffing] LARRY: Yeah, I mean, she's gonna make a great mom one of these days. Ha! I would make love to both of you. LARRY: She's amazing in bed. - Oh, nice. - Wow. MARC: Not nothing. [humming] [cell phone dings] Motherfucker! KEVIN: Good for you. BRAD: Oh, you, with this shit. LARRY: You never know, Kev, I mean, things may end up working out between you and your ex. KEVIN: Yeah, yeah, you never know. Listen, motherfucker, it's over. - Brad? - What? KEVIN: No, he's right. It's pretty over. BRUCE: Oh, baby. There are women lined up around the block for a handsome guy like you. MARC: Men, too. It's okay. KEVIN: Yeah, what is with you guys and the word "handsome"? LARRY: When exactly did things go wrong? BRAD: When he asked for her phone number. It's called a one-night stand for a reason. - Oh. - Oh. MARGRET: Guys, I can't believe it. My ex posted nude pics of me on mysluttyex.org. - Oh, my God. - Really? BRUCE: Everyone's gonna see you naked. Not a big deal, just my boobs. - That's the spirit. - Yeah, yeah, I'm proud of my breasts. BRAD: You should be, here's to them. MARGRET: They're a supple reminder of my sexuality. Want to see, Brad? BRAD: It's fine, it's fine. Thank you for that. LIZ: Margret, would you like more wine? EVERYONE: No! Oh, okay, well, I'll get... I'll get dessert started. [cheering] MALE ANNOUNCER: So AJ Brock is now on the bench. We heard that he was iffy coming back. And it's Franco and DJ Smith in the middle. And this one's picked. [laughing] MALE ANNOUNCERS: Same old Lions. - This game sucks. - Yeah. I can't even remember the last time the Lions actually won on Thanksgiving. LARRY: Hey, man, Lions on Thanksgiving is tradition. BRAD: Yeah, tradition of losing. - Let's do shots. - You see that? - Now we're talking. - Yeah, I don't really think... BRAD: Kevin. So... what's your poison? MARGRET: Uh, do you have Jager? Let me rephrase that. Would you prefer whiskey or tequila? MARGRET: Tequila! LARRY: She loves tequila, makes her crazy. MARGRET: La cucaracha BRAD: Kind of figured that. So, anyway... What was the name of that website you were featured on? MARGRET: Mysluttyex.org. BRAD: Oh, yeah? Let's drink to that. KEVIN: Salut. - Woo! - I didn't need that. LARRY: Oh, it's a party now. BRAD: So, uh, how exactly did your pics end up - on that site anyhow? - Oh, my ex, Nehisi, had some topless pictures... Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, what the fuck is his name? MARGRET: Nehisi. Your ex is a Canadian? MARGRET: No, he's not from Canada, he's black. BRAD: Wow, Lar, you know about this? I mean, I've seen you naked, bro. Following that act must be like throwing a baseball bat into a closet. LARRY: Oh, no, dude, it's not at all. BRAD: Okay, well, since we're on the topic, are there any other minorities you've been with that we should know about, chin, landscaper, sand? - Dude! - What, Kevin? They've only been together for a couple of weeks. Lar deserves to know. MARGRET: You are so racist. BRAD: I'm not racist, okay, I hate everyone equally. LARRY: He's just joking, baby. BRAD: Yeah, I'm just playing, I'm sorry. MARGRET: Okay, if you say so. Good, moving on. I bet you two have weird sex. LARRY: Hell yes, we do. MARGRET: I love it when you make me squirt. BRAD: Oh, yeah, let's talk about that. LARRY: Oh, man, you would not believe it. BRAD: You'd be amazed at what I could believe. MARGRET: I can squirt ten yards. - Yeah, I think I'm gonna go. - Sit the fuck down, Kevin. That's bullshit, you can't squirt ten yards. MARGRET: Yes, I can, I can squirt ten yards. BRAD: No, you cannot squirt ten yards. MARGRET: Yes, I can! Ten yards, that's a first down. You can't squirt a first down! MARGRET: Yes, I can, tell him. LARRY: Um, well. MARGRET: Whose side are you on? What, baby, I'm on your side. MARGRET: Well, then tell him. It goes pretty far. BRAD: Yeah, but Lar, come on, okay. We're not talking about third and inches here. - This is fourth and long. - Okay, I'll show you. No, no, I don't think that's a good idea. MARGRET: You are letting this asshole make fun of me. You're making me look like a fucking liar. LARRY: Baby, babe. MARGRET: Don't! LARRY: I'm sorry, guys. She's just really sensitive about this stuff. BRAD: Don't be sorry, man, it's all right. She's just expressing herself is all. So are we gonna do this bag of blow or what? - You guys have blow? - I knew it! LARRY: Oh, no. BRAD: Larry, wait! MARGRET: Where's the blow? BRAD: Hey, wait... Lar, wait up. - Are you all right, bro? - Look, I'm sorry, man... she just gets a little out of hand when she gets going. BRAD: Hey, hey, hey, never, ever apologize for a special gift like that, okay? She's just a free spirit, that's all, like a fucking unicorn. - You think so? - I know so. LARRY: I don't know, I haven't known her that long, I just... Well, it doesn't take much. [soft quirky music] - You're right, man. - Get in there. - You're right. - Be a fucking athlete. - Let's do this. - Be the man she needs you to be right now. LARRY: Here I come, baby. [grunting] Come here! I'm sorry, baby, let's show 'em what you can do. KEVIN: What did you say to him? BRAD: That's not important. [laughing] This is gonna be awesome. BRUCE: You are one of a kind, Lizzie. I'm gonna need to get this pumpkin pie recipe. LIZ: I'll e-mail it, Mom taught me how to make it. - It's so good. - Thank you. By the way, what is the deal with that Kevin? So handsome, such a downer. BRUCE: Yeah, lighten up, it's not that bad. LIZ: He's just going through a tough time. MARC: Yeah, I can see that, but get over it, P.S. He's sensitive, I don't know. I'm sure with a little help from his friends he'll be fine. Anyways, I wonder what they're up to. [dramatic music] Ah, ah. BRAD: Come on, Lar, be an athlete. - You can do it, baby. - Right, right, left, left. BRAD: Oh, dude, this'll beat front row at a Gallagher concert. - I think I'm gonna go. - No way, you need to see this. Come on, baby, I want my first down. LARRY: I'm trying, I'm trying, man. It usually doesn't take this long. BRAD: Well, get your shit together, all right? Don't want to put you in half time for Kevin. - Shut up! - Sorry, sorry, man, too much. [shouting] - Give them some encouragement. - Come on, you can do it, guys! Dude, look how pink it is. BRAD: Yeah, I know. KEVIN: I think I should be leaving. - No, you shouldn't be leaving. - Yes, yes. We're not done till we move the chains. I don't think we're gonna move the chains! BRAD: Come on, get your knees up! High knees, let's go! Hey, Lar, give her the Kit Kat! - Oh, yeah. - What the hell is the Kit Kat? What's wrong with you? We don't have time to get into that. Come on, Lar, snap that fucking bean! [shouting] Ah! [shouting] - Touchdown! - Woo! BRAD: We fucking did it! Woo! I love you. Yes! LIZ: Oh, they're fine, they're just watching the game. Must be a good one. Hmm. She's a little kooky, right? BRUCE: I didn't notice. She's got gout in her vagina. - Stop it. - Well, she is disgusting. - That's a little over the top. - Listen, let's be clear, you know she blew an eight ball in your bathroom? - Stop it. - What do you mean stop it? You didn't see it up in her nose? Okay, by the way, I'm glad I'm the only one that noticed that. Are you high? BRUCE: Stop it. MARC: Stop squashing me, Bruce. You're always squashing me in front of your niece. It's, like, not fair, then she thinks... Stop, do you need more wine, are you guys good? Oh no, I think I'm good on the grape. Was she in the fucking circus? - That was awesome. - I know. - You all right in there? - Yeah, yeah, yeah. Just got hit with a tidal wave of cum is all. - Larry, is she dead? - Oh, no. It just takes a lot out of her. I got to get Liz on this program. Kev, open up. MARGRET: Did we make it? LARRY: Oh, first down, baby. KEVIN: I'm going home now. BRAD: What? You can't leave now. MARGRET: Put me in, Coach. BRAD: See, she's just getting started. KEVIN: Brad, I'm soaked in cum. I'm going home to shower. MARGRET: You can't leave, where's he going? LARRY: Oh, it's all right, oh, there we go. KEVIN: Margret... You're a very talented woman. - Lar, it's been real. - Good to see you too, Kev. - Next time. - Keep your head up, man. - Where's he going? - He just got shaken up on the plane, don't worry, he'll jog it right off. Lar, you guys are welcome to spend the night here. For that matter, you can stay here for the rest of your lives. - Thanks, man. - Kev! MARGRET: See you at Christmas. - Kev, wait up. - What? BRAD: Look, dude, I'm sorry you got sprayed, okay? I thought she was talking shit, didn't think she could do it. Yeah, neither did I, but, clearly, she can. And she did it all over me. And I'm a little emotional about it. BRAD: Look, dude, I get it, okay? I know it's somewhat degrading when someone cums in your face, but society's changed. Straight guys take it on the chin sometimes, too. KEVIN: Oh, you're pathetic. Tell Liz I said thank you. - I'll see you tomorrow. - Kevin, wait, wait. Okay, hey, stop. What do you say we go to your place, get you changed up, and go paint the town? I've seen enough painting for one night. Kev, look at me. I need this as badly as you do. KEVIN: How so? Because one more night of Bravo and girl talk with Liz and the queers, and I'm gonna start wishing death on people again. [soft quirky music] Please. Come on, man, just say yes. KEVIN: All right, all right, fine. You're not gonna regret this. Be right back. Ladies. Babe, I got to talk to you. BRUCE: I wish I was Liz just once so I could teach him a lesson. Me too so he could teach me one. BRAD: Kev's in bad shape, okay? I think seeing you and I and Margret and Larry and Bonnie and Clyde over there got him down a little bit. So, look, I was just thinking maybe I could take him out for a while just to cheer him up, you know? You are ridiculous. Shouldn't you be with your family? Babe, I'm with my family every day, okay? He's my best friend, I want to make sure I'm there for him in his time of need; I can't send him home with his head down like this. It won't be a late night, I promise. What about Larry and Margret? BRAD: Oh, they're all fucked up. I think the tryptophan in the turkey got to 'em a little, think they're in for the night. LIZ: Really? Pshhhhh. Yeah, okay. Okay, just don't make it a late night. I promise you I won't. - I love you so much. - Okay, I love you. LIZ: [tired sigh] Guess who's going out? - Have a good night. - I'm sorry [laughter] Where are you going? Just taking Kevin out for a bit. - Can we come? - Yeah, that's a great idea. You guys never hang out. - Really? - Why not? - Yeah, why not? - 'Cause we're gonna go do, you know, guy shit. You probably wouldn't be into it. BRUCE: Need I remind you I played three years varsity football. - You did? - Yes. I was a tight end. How did I know you were gonna say that? Fuck it, let's go shake up the world. Come on, tight ass. MARC: Bye! [intense rock music] [tires screeching] [siren wailing] [horn blaring] RAPPER: Graduated U of M Summa cum laude, few of them Just had her first IUD Ain't tryin' to have birth by Obie T Louis bag, big as shit Rural area, Borics Nigga need to cut, nigga need to get trimmed up She's so proper with it BRAD: Look at this place, man. This is what I'm talking about. Come on. ANNOUNCER: Angel, you're up next. MARC: Ugh. Is this a strip joint or a homeless shelter? BRUCE: It's like they hate clothes. MARC: I don't... Hi, I'm Sasha. You boys want to party? BRUCE: Um, maybe if your name was Kyle or Steve. - Sorry, sweetheart. - Sweetie, we're into bigger hands and hairier chests, so... SASHA: Oh, you only live once. Follow me. MARC: Brucie, I don't... RAPPER: Magistrate's her mammy But it's more heat though, it's Miami - Hey, Kayla. - Hey, Brad. BRAD: How's school going? KAYLA: Ugh, if I knew physics was gonna be so tough I would've stuck to engineering. BRAD: Hey, when you get a chance... I got a heartbreak over here. KAYLA: Aw, poor baby. I got ya. RAPPER: Never had it like this growing up in sticks Body so murderous It's only right first 48 RAPPER: Good girls Like to have bad fun BRAD: Rodney, baby. Look at this guy! How you doing, baby? BRAD: Doin' good, man. Hey, this is my boy Kevin. ROD: Nice to meet you. - Hey, first time here? - Yeah. ROD: I can tell, you got shock and awe written all over your face. Have a seat, boys. BRAD: All right. So, uh, any new talent in here? Got this new box of rocks right here. Her name's Destiny. BRAD: Of course her name's Destiny. She's fucking hot. ROD: Yeah, I don't like the way her pussy's set up though. - What? - The setup, it's no good. Hmm, it's no good. MARC: Give me some twenties. BRUCE: I give you money all the time. MARC: Polly want a cracker? Polly want a cracker? BRUCE: Woo-hoo, this is fun, I'm not gonna lie. MARC: It's kinda fun. Look, look. [singing] BRUCE: You can't touch, you can't touch. MARC: But I'm not touching, she was my guitar. ROD: So what brings you boys in tonight? Shouldn't you be home with families eating turkey and shit? BRAD: We did that already. Kevin here's been going through a little heartbreak. ROD: Oh, sorry to hear that. What happened, buddy? KEVIN: Nothing, we're just taking a break. ROD: A break? Buddy, buddy, bitches don't take breaks. You seem like a nice, quiet, well-behaved man, but let me give a word of advice. You, you send girls cards and flowers and candy and shit, right? - Yeah. - Of course you do, and that's all right, but just remember, at the end of every day, bitches don't want to be held and cuddled and coddled and shit... No, what they want... is a motherfucking salami, know what I mean? - Thanks, Rod. - Don't mention it. Kelly? Kelly! Yeah, bring my boys some booze. I got shit to do in the office. Here's a pile of ones. Spend every last one of 'em. You boys enjoy. BRAD: Thanks, man. [lively music] ROD: Remember, it's all about the salami. [sighing] KEVIN: So are we gonna tell everyone my business all day today? BRAD: What are you bitching about? He gave you the best advice all day. KEVIN: Oh, what, send Michelle a salami? Great advice. - Hey, Brad. - Hey. Can we get four shots of Patrn, please? - Why four? - Kevin. - Four shots, please. - You got it, doll. BRAD: Can you at least try to pretend like you're having a good time? This place is a riot. KEVIN: How frequently do you come here? Everyone knows your name. BRAD: Yeah, like Cheers. FEMALE 1: Hey, trouble. MALE SINGER: Am I your toy, am I your game Am I your game of love I could be yours You could be mine We could be occupied - What are we TiVoing right now? - Andy Cohen, Andy Cohen, Andy Cohen, and Andy Cohen. - Boom. - I love Andy Cohen! MARC: Excuse me, he is my Jewess sister from another mister. FEMALE 2: Ah, I love it. FEMALE 3: Should get together and watch Bravo! BRUCE: I would love that! - I think that's a great idea! - Honey, tell 'em about your Housewives spinoff show. BRAD: Come on, baby. How 'bout an Eskimo kiss? KAYLA: Not tonight, Brad. FEMALE 4: Here you go, boys. BRAD: Yeah, here we go, that's what I'm talking about. FEMALE 4: Enjoy, oh, thanks. BRAD: All right, man up, bitch. Here's to Larry and Margret. KEVIN: To Larry and Margret. Oh, shit. [laughing] BRAD: It's a little something to remind you you're alive. That's all. ANNOUNCER: Cheetahs, make some noise for the lovely Kayla. Next up, we've got a special treat for you all to be thankful for. Give it up for the majestic Aurora. [dramatic rock music] BRAD: Oh, baby, this bitch is awesome. MALE SINGER: I'm the living proof that the devil can party till damned I'm the one that can front like an angel and charm up the world Chase some evil and mine will make you do stranger things I'm your teacher of everything that the demon demands My bad can bomb, bow wow Could shake you downtown My bad can take you down, down That's if you want to be badder than bad My bad can bomb, bow wow My bad knocking loud, loud My bad is ready to love you Come on, get badder and badder with me up your ladder My, my, my, my, my, my bad, bad, bad, bad Woo! Move a little, a little down on the floor Move on up to the kiss of a man that'll demon your ma Don't be afraid of the thing that'll make you go out of control I'm your evil, I'll get you to hell And, hell, you know my bad can bomb, bow wow KAYLA: Ugh, you fucking asshole! BOUNCER: Fucking loser! Don't fucking come back here! BRAD: What the fuck, dude? Take it easy... Kev. Kev! Oh, shit. Dude, are you okay? KEVIN: I'm so sorry, man. BRAD: What, was it the shots? KEVIN: No, it wasn't, well, maybe it was. That girl put her tits in my face. - Kayla. - Yeah, and I was thinking about Michelle, and I saw... BRAD: Oh, come on, are you fucking serious? KEVIN: What, do you think that I did it on purpose? BRAD: All right, look, maybe bringing you here wasn't a good idea. They better let me come back. - Dude. - You're right, I'm sure they will. [indistinct chatter] BRUCE: Oh, bye, guys! MARC: Thank you for a lovely evening. BRAD: Where the fuck are you guys going? - Ice cream. - Ice cream! BRUCE: Woo-hoo-hoo! Watch your step, ladies. [upbeat music] BRAD: Look at this place. If you can't get laid here, there is definitely something wrong with you. [whistling] Leave it open. KEVIN: What are you, Christian Mingle? Can't we just hang out? BRAD: No, I'm Adult Friend Finder. Okay, look, maybe getting laid is setting the bar high for today. Let's start out with a phone number. KEVIN: Sounds good. BRAD: There they are. The one with the helmet next to the fire hydrant. KEVIN: Look, I don't need any help, really. BRAD: Kevin, I've taken down a four to help a friend get a seven in the past, and God dammit, I'd do it again. Reminds me of Nam. [guns firing, men shouting] A lesser man would've gone for the seven. Ladies, how you doing? Happy Thanksgiving, come here often? This your boyfriend? [whistling] [lively music] Kevin, Kevin, hey. FEMALE SINGER: You seek me out, creeping in - Friend's a real piece of work. - Yeah, he sure is. FEMALE 5: It's all right, she's a total slut so he won't offend her. KEVIN: Really, well, that ought to keep him occupied for a little bit. FEMALE 5: From what, trying to get you laid? - Huh? - That's why I'm here. Come on, let's get out of here. FEMALE SINGER: Take it up, take it down Relax, I'm kidding. I only fuck girls. - Really, who are you? - They call me Mel. So, anyway, who's got you so down? - Look, no, I'd rather not. - You'd rather not my dick, it's written all over your face. Besides, your friend said your head's been up your ass since some bitch broke your heart. KEVIN: He said all that, huh? MEL: Yeah. - So what happened? - I showed up to her place around noon, and instead of my usual warm embrace, I caught her with another guy. MEL: Whoa, okay, that's pretty fucked up. How long were you guys together? KEVIN: Two years. MEL: She fuck you on the first date? What did you expect? Look, Kevin, you seem like a really nice guy, and there's nothing wrong with that. So she's fucking other people right now. It's fine, sometimes that's just the way people like to get down. Supposed to make me feel better? 'Cause it's not. MEL: No, it's to make you realize you can't count on people to live up to your expectations because they never will. Your ex knows you're a nice guy, and if she were into that, you'd be home face deep in her crotch now instead of standing here talking to some dyke. Brad write that speech for you? MEL: Your friend's a bitch. He just doesn't know it yet. Just be you. It all works out in the end. FEMALE 6: Hey, let's go. This guy is such an asshole. - Nice talking to you. - Same here. What did you say to her? BRAD: Nothing, I tried to compliment her on her setup, you know, like Rod, shit backfired. You told them my business. What are you talking about? KEVIN: You told them about Michelle! Dude, I was just trying to get you involved. It's fine, girls love that shit, they eat it up. KEVIN: It's not fine, you've been pulling this shit all day, and I'm fucking tired of it. BRAD: What did she say to you? What didn't she say, she was like the lesbian Yoda. Oh, man, would you relax, stop fucking being a loser. KEVIN: I'm the loser, you're the loser. You've got the most amazing wife at home who fucking loves you, yet you parade around this place like you're single. Hey, I may talk a lot of shit, but I've never once crossed the line. This isn't even about me, man! Okay, today has been unbelievable, and while we've all been out having fun, you've been MIA. - I'm out of here. - Good. Michelle cheated on you because you're a pussy. Fuck you, you're a fucking scumbag. BRAD: Oh, yeah, fuck you, you know what, go find your crazy bitch ex-girlfriend. Good, maybe I will! BRAD: Yeah, go, maybe she'll give you a sympathy fuck, then what? Don't start that shit in here. Oh, yeah? You're all talk, bitch. [heavy rock music] MALE SINGER: Hey, hey, yeah Yeah, you rock me up Just to take me down, down, down, down, down, down Hey, hey, yeah [indistinct chatter] Patrn. What's good tonight? MALE 3: We have chicken. The fuck is the matter with you? [drumming] [rock music] Whoa, beautiful. MALE SINGER: Cats droolin' on the bar stools Hey stranger. Hey. You don't remember me. Am I supposed to? Samantha, class of '98. Oh my God, hey! [laughing] You look amazing. Ah, thanks. So do you. Thank you. You know... I've had... the biggest crush on you since, like, sophomore year. How could I have been so blind? Who cares? You're right. - Who cares? - Who cares? Anyway, what do you say... we get out of here and... catch up? [nervous laugh] Oh, uh... I'd love to, but, um... Got this little problem here. I don't care. I'll never tell. MALE SINGER: Is that you Crawlin' up my stairs - Is that you - Is that you MALE SINGER 1: Oh, tell me is that you Yeah Ah, ah, yeah BRAD: Fuck it, my wife hasn't been that into me lately anyway. Come on. [intense music] Who the fuck do you think you are, huh? No, no. Think you can just fuck another guy in the middle of the day, huh? You think you can fuck another guy in the middle of the day... What kind of whore? What kind of whore... no. Well, listen, bitch! Huh? Come on, Kevin, come on! [muted rock music] BRAD: What are we doing here? What am I doing? What are we doing? - What does this mean? - Just relax. I've been waiting for this for so long. BRAD: Oh, I bet. It's just, it's been a really long time since I've been with a beautiful stranger. I mean, not that we're strangers, right? SAMANTHA: Hey. There's nothing to worry about. BRAD: All right. We can do this but no kissing and no anal. SAMANTHA: Oh, why no kissing, no anal? BRAD: Because it's only cheating when you do those two things. SAMANTHA: How so? BRAD: Think about it, it's the first and last thing you do with a woman. It's special, I can't do that to my wife. SAMANTHA: That's so fucked up. [nervous laugh] I don't care. I'm gonna give you the best head of all time. BRAD: Who could say no to an offer like that? [intense music] [dog barking] [angry grunt] Are you fucking nuts? MICHELLE: Yeah! - Oh! - Shit... MICHELLE: Fuck! Fuck me, you big, black motherfucker! - Yes, like that. - Oh! Oh, yeah! Oh! Oh, yeah! - Oh, oh! - I bet you like that shit. - Oh yeah, oh yeah. - Oh, oh! - Fuck me, Hammer! - Yeah! Oh, I'm fuckin' you for fuckin' Kunta Kinte. - Do it for Kunta! - Oh, fuck you, fuck you. - Fuck you for Kunta! - Ah, fuck me, Toby! [Hammer] Whoa, whoa, whoa. Say "Fuck me, Hammer," that's all I need. [funky music] MICHELLE: Sorry. [rock music] BRAD: God damn, you have a strong grip. Were you a fuckin' gymnast? SAMANTHA: Are you ready? BRAD: Take me. SAMANTHA: You really don't remember me from high school, do you? BRAD: Sure I do. SAMANTHA: What's my last name? BRAD: Oh boy, I don't know, Moorhead? I... look, I'm more of a first name guy. I've really never been good with names. So, come on, Sammy, help me out here. SAMANTHA: Oh, I will. And my last name is Robertson. Samantha Robertson. BRAD: Samantha Robertson. I like that name. Yeah, it's a good Polynesian name. You know, I played hoops with a guy named Sam Robertson. A sophomore. He was a great guy, but he had this annoying mole on his forehead. SAMANTHA: Oh yeah? [awkward laugh] [screams] BRAD: Sam, what the fuck? Is that you? SAMANTHA: Are... okay. BRAD: Are you gay? Of course you're gay. Do you have a cock? Do you not have a cock? SAMANTHA: No, I, uh, I... I don't. BRAD: You were gonna suck my cock! Does that make me gay? I love cock! SAMANTHA: No, I don't... I don't have a cock, okay? I... I had an operation. I'm all woman now. [sighs] BRAD: It's only gay if you cum. It's only gay if you cum. It's only gay... why the fuck didn't you tell me in the first place? SAMANTHA: I don't know. I guess I should have, but I didn't think about it. Okay? I've just always loved you and really wanted this. BRAD: What? Oh my God. That was your dick I felt when you jumped on me at the buzzer beater for the league championship, wasn't it? SAMANTHA: That was a glorious moment and I wanted to share it with you. BRAD: Okay. Okay, okay, okay, okay. Okay. [sentimental music] I'm cool with who you are, what you became or whatever it is. What a fuckin' night. SAMANTHA: I'm just, uh... [nervous laugh] I'm just really glad to see that you have, like, a human side, and that you're cool with all sexual orientations, 'cause this world is really fucked up. BRAD: Yeah, I'm cool, but that doesn't mean I want to play hide the salami with all of 'em, okay? I'm a strictly woman only guy, get it? And that's women with vaginas... From the beginning! SAMANTHA: I get it. Uh, thanks for being understanding about it. BRAD: Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey. SAMANTHA: Sorry. [clears throat] BRAD: All right, we should get out of here. SAMANTHA: Okay. BRAD: Sam... Antha. Go Falcons. SAMANTHA: The 1996 League Championship will always mean so much more to me now. Go Falcons. [slap hands] Yeah, it will. [spiritual music] [laughing] Why the fuck didn't you tell me inside? [somber music] [phone vibrating] [rock music] Water. And some, uh, mints if you got 'em. Maybe some hand sanitizer. Do you have any of that? MALE SINGER: I'm your teacher of everything that the demon... - You and I are not together. - It does matter, it's our date. - It... we are not on a date. - Listen, it's bullshit. - You're comin' with me. - No, I'm not. - Get in the fucking truck. - Okay, look. You're drunk, just leave me alone. - Will you let me go? - Hey, let her go. MALE 4: Mind your own business, asshole. KEVIN: What's your problem, man? That girl said no. I'll teach you to cockblock me, you fuckin' asshole. [kicks] Fuck you. [slams door] [starts engine] MALE SINGER: Don't be afraid of the thing that'll make you go out of control I'm your evil, I'll get you to hell, and in hell you know... [cell phone dings] [sentimental music] [typing] [phone] You have one unheard message. BRAD: Hey Kev, uh, buddy, it's Brad. A guy almost just blew me in the car, and that's the least of my worries right now. I'm worried where you are, and I don't know what to do about it. I'm questioning my gender identity right now. Please call me back. Uh, thanks, bye. [laughing] FEMALE 8: Hey, I am... [laughing] I... I'm really sorry that happened. Are... are you okay? KEVIN: I am, I'm okay. Are you okay? FEMALE 8: I'm better now. Thanks for stepping in like that. KEVIN: Oh... Look, I'm a nice guy. I'm kind of a doormat, it's my thing. I'm already on the ground if you want to walk all over me too. FEMALE 8: What kind of talk is that? You are such a gentleman. JD is an asshole. KEVIN: JD? [laughs] Of course. Why wouldn't that guy's name be JD? Pickup truck, slappin' women around. FEMALE 8: Let me see your face. Let me see it. Oh, shit. KEVIN: What, is it bad? FEMALE 8: Um... Just sit still for one second. Okay? Here. Okay. I'm Sarah, by the way. - Hi. - Okay. KEVIN: Ow! What the hell's the matter with you, Sarah? SARAH: Sorry. I was readjusting your nose. KEVIN: What are you, a doctor? SARAH: Um, sort of. I'm a nurse. Okay. All right? KEVIN: I'm Kevin. SARAH: Pleased to meet you. [laughs] All right. You're good as new. [giggles] [laughs] KEVIN: I mean... Sorry I yelled at you. Don't be. I know it hurts. Can I ask you a question? SARAH: Yeah. You seem like a really nice girl. Why do you go for an asshole like that? [laughs] No, I wasn't with him. We just went on a few dates, and he happened to be at the bar tonight. He's not really my type. Thanks for patching me up. Yeah. All right. Can I buy you a drink? No thanks. How 'bout I buy you one? [mellow music] Yeah? Okay. Uh, so what should we have? I don't know, uh, a shot of Patrn? - Really? - If that's okay with you. Yeah, that's okay with me. - Okay. - Of course. BRAD: Kev! Kev! Dude, have I got a story... But what the fuck happened to you? Nothin', why? - Do you want a lime, Kevin? - No thanks. Sarah, this is my best friend Brad. Brad, this is Sarah. Hi. BRAD: Hey. Dude, I am so sorry for being such an asshole earlier. It almost came back to haunt me as my first gay experience, which in hindsight I don't think I was totally against. - Maybe I'm a democrat after all. - Brad. Don't worry about it, man. Thank you. So what was that story? BRAD: I'll tell you about it in the morning, okay? Here we go. SAMANTHA: There you are, I've been looking everywhere for you. SARAH: Oh, hey babe. Guys, this is my girlfriend Samantha. - I'm Kevin, and this is my... - Oh, Sam and I go way back. Uh, yeah, we're... Bobby, we're gonna need one more shot for him. I mean her, I meant her. Thanks. So what are we toasting to? To my hero. The St. Jude Falcons. To my best friend. Here's to the best Thanksgiving ever. [clearing throat] Oh... I think I'm gonna sing a song. Yeah. MALE SINGER: Oh yeah [murmur of conversation] DJ: All right, comin' up next... SARAH: Is he a good singer? KEVIN: Well, he's a unique singer. DJ: Singin' a tender love ballad close to my heart. Give it up for Brad! [applause and cheering] BRAD: This one goes out to a couple of special friends of mine tonight. [jazzy music] Thank you all for comin' out tonight. Thank you very much. Especially you in the green coat. Blow me You hardly even know me Just set yourself below me And blow me Tonight SARAH: Is this guy for real? I am afraid so. SARAH: Kind of sounds like Sinatra, no? KEVIN: No. No. When you part your lips that way Ooh, I want you night and day - Want you night and day - When you squeeze my balls so tight BACKUP SINGERS: Balls so tight BRAD: I want to blow my load with all my might So blow me You hardly even know me So blow me Get 'em, Sam! You've got to blow me So blow me Blow me tonight Yeah! You know, next time I think I'll sing "How's Your Hole?" [mellow music] - All right. - Sing it. SARAH: Um, well, it was great meeting you. BRAD: Right, you too. Take care of my boy here. He's fragile. I think I can handle it. I'll see you in a minute. BRAD: So, uh, guess I'll see you tomorrow, buddy. KEVIN: You got it. Hey. Thanks for everything, man. BRAD: Thank you, bro. Love you, pal. KEVIN: Okay. - Get in there. - The way I am about you And the madness I go through In a twilight moment Where love was once life for me Now the corner neon lights up my mood [breathing into hand] Melancholy mood Love is so impractical As I keep myself waiting for you In the deepness of this moment LIZ: Oh. Mm... - Hi, baby. - Hey, I'm so sorry to wake you. LIZ: That's okay. Anything exciting happen tonight? BRAD: Nah. It was lame. It seems like everywhere you go in this town, you run into all the same people. Same old. LIZ: Sometimes it's a good thing. BRAD: Yeah, and sometimes it's not. LIZ: I'm sorry. BRAD: It's okay. I'm just so happy to be here with you right now. LIZ: We'll have sex in the morning, Brad. BRAD: Oh, of course. LIZ: Thank you. BRAD: Are you sure? LIZ: Yes, I'm sure. So you can stop poking me in the side with your dick. BRAD: Okay. Goodnight. - You're positive? - Brad! BRAD: Love you. [upbeat music] SARAH: Did you sleep well? KEVIN: The best sleep I've had in days. I should play the accidental hero more often. [giggling] SARAH: How's your nose? KEVIN: It's a little sore, but, uh, I think I'm gonna make it. SARAH: Yeah? What time is it? KEVIN: It's almost 9:30. SARAH: Ugh... I have to get to work. KEVIN: You have to work the day after Thanksgiving? SARAH: Mm-hm. A nurse's work is never done. MALE SINGER: I'm not dreamin' away I'm not fantasizin' There's that thing that's for sure that knock on the door That very look on that face SARAH: You know, I can't thank you enough for how you saved me last night. KEVIN: Actually... it was you that saved me. SARAH: How so? KEVIN: You just did. [giggles] MALE SINGER: I get a feeling and it wakes me - Wait, wait, wait, wait. - Like morning light KEVIN: I thought that you had to go to work. SARAH: Not if it's an emergency. KEVIN: Oh yeah? MALE SINGER: Save me One last time You open wide and let it all begin Love's knockin' on my door Like it's never done before Love's comin' on Love's comin' on home [rock music] [grunting] - Yeah, oh! - Who the fuck is your... MALE 5: Cut, cut. - Oh my God. - Cut! MALE SINGER: You can't be the singer He a Boy Scout, he say, "Oh, I got to help my friend." You got your ass kicked, that's what happened. MALE SINGER: You can't be the groupie What? Do I want a drink? Got an idea. MALE SINGER: I was the nerd guy Now I'm the cool guy Well... Without the olive, I don't know what we got there. MALE SINGER: Done everything wrong Except my good songs You know what? Get rid of these glasses, I don't want people - to think I got a problem. - As if. - There you go. - Where am I goin', sucker? MALE SINGER: What am I thinkin'? I'm lookin' for a pussy. I'm lookin' for as much pussy as I can. I've circled pussy, and I got it lined up here. That's what I'm lookin' for. - Pussy. - Just the slippers and the shamers hang around BRUCE: Everyone's gonna see you naked. MARC: Your vagine, your birth canal, your cat purse, pussy says meow. It's disgusting, sweetie. - Tits ahoy. - You need... - You need... - Down to your poop deck. MARC: Poopdeck Pappy. You need some pride. - Pappy? - Pappy. BRUCE: They're not gonna see that. MARC: Cat purse. Pussy says meow. MALE SINGER: Nothin' normal 'bout the life on the planet Rock On ROD: Kelly! Yeah, get... get... Kelly! Kelly! - Bitch can't hear. - Kelly! - Kelly! - The fuck is wrong with... I'm sorry, Rod, it's your club. [laughing] MALE SINGER: Done everything wrong BRAD: Does that tickle? Does that tickle? MALE SINGER: Come on, come on [Tarzan yell] [playing kazoo] [hocking loogie] MALE 6: Arabic [unintelligible] man. [hocking loogie] [high-pitched noise] MALE SINGER: Porn star Oh, oh... [laughing and whimpering] What's Liz gonna say? That was kooky. [laughing] - Morning, handsome. - Get the fuck out of here. [flatulent noise] LIZ: Ugh... Really? [laughing] - What is that? - [laughing] MALE SINGER: Things that I want to rant on [making nonsensical noises] [yelping] Hut, hut, hut, hut, hut! Ha-ha-ha-ha! Woo! - I love you. - Done everything wrong Except my good song MALE 7: Okay, now do a climax. [laughing] MALE SINGER: I'm your rockstar MARGRET: Okay. [sighs] [laughing] I just want to say on a personal note... - Cut. - Thank you so... [laughing] MALE SINGER: I am your rockstar Porn star Shockstar in one Oh yeah BACKUP SINGERS: Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh MALE SINGER: Hey I'll be your rockstar Porn star Shockstar, oh, oh Oh, oh Am I your rockstar Woo! Porn star Shockstar, oh, oh Hey, yeah, yeah Rockstar [grunting] [sobbing] [dramatic music] MIKE: Good afternoon, everybody! TERRY: I love this song, by the way. MIKE: I'm Mike, that's Terry. TERRY: Hi. MIKE: And we do radio in Detroit. TERRY: Of all places. [grunting] MIKE: Okay, gonna be a good day today. [laughing] TERRY: Mike, stop. Someone just tweeted me a picture of Ray Charles as a referee... - No, no. - In the end zone. MIKE: No. [laughing] Let... let me, let me start out with this, okay? Everybody knows what happened, but I want to just express... my feeling on something, because my... TERRY: We've been Waitin' for it all night. MIKE: My anger does not even... How about this, on the list of anger... the refs don't come in first and neither does the football team. My anger lies with the Lion organization. Okay? Owners, your CFO, CEO, your GM, your head coach, and any player who matters. My anger lies with them because here's the one guarantee I can give you... I can't guarantee whether the Lions win or lose. We know they lose most of the time. But I guarantee you that no matter how the league bends this franchise over, no matter how the league spits in your face, no matter how the league openly and forcibly... disrespects you, you will say nothing. Your quarterback? Forget about it. Your head coach? Forget about it. I'm not even convinced he knew the rules on the sideline. Did he go crazy in the post game? No. And here's my biggest complaint. This is a day where we as fans, you as fans, can do nothing. You can get angry, spin your wheels, scream and yell, whatever you want. The only people that can say things that will make you feel better or possibly effect change... are the small group of people that have consistently, over the course of the last 55 years, said nothing. And that's your ownership and your management. Because what frustrated me most is last night was the time where if that happened to the Dallas Cowboys, Terry said it in pre-show, Jerry Jones would have robbed a church of their pulpit. TERRY: Yeah, he would have stolen the pulpit and put it up and said, "Come over here..." MIKE: Everybody come here, I want to help you. TERRY: Right. MIKE: You the fans deserve better in this regard. Your team sucks. And for whatever reason you still care. You deserve better. But understand the league does not respect you. The league does not take the Lions seriously. Because all the league has done consistently... is defecate on you. Whether it's the Calvin process, the Dallas playoff game, the Pollard touchdown, they... all they do is spit in your face. And your ownership says nothing. Thank you, may I have another? And the league will continue to do this to you because they don't care about you, because you don't matter. You're a non-entity, you're a joke. And you'll get treated like that. And it's gonna happen again and again and again. That's the problem I have. TERRY: I can tell, but here's the thing. MIKE: I don't even like this team! - I understand, Mike. - But I'm disgusted because these poor bastards that root for this team, they don't get anything! TERRY: They show way more emotion than the team. MIKE: And again this team gets boned. Boopadoo. [dial tone] |
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