A disgrace. Absolutely disgusting.
I'd like to cut that.
That was great, girls.
But rock 'n' roll is not my cup of poison.
I remember when I was a young man...
- I just don't understand those kids.
- If you had to listen to their music...
Did you see those chaperones?
They were built like Khrushchev.
- They weren't as bad as those D.O.M.'s.
- I got the money.
- 300 bucks.
- One more high-school hop and I split.
Hey, don't bogart the joint, friends.
Cool it, man. I need it more than you.
I don't know,
maybe all you need is love.
Casey, let's split. The principal's gonna
hit me with a few caps of acid.
- You coming?
- Yeah.
Do you believe those kids,
making it all the time?
Don't get so upset, Casey.
You know how Kelly is.
- Are you trying to make love to me?
- Hell no.
- Then what are you trying to do?
- I'm trying not to.
Well, if you wanna make love,
then let's make love.
Here?
No, in L.A.
- L.A.?
- Where is that?
- We'd get crushed.
- Not us.
- Smog. Can 't see.
- Climb a tall tree.
- Lousy traffic.
- Love to walk.
- No culture.
- Grooves.
- Cold and cruel.
- Swimming pools.
- Phony city.
- It's so pretty.
- Religious nuts.
- Takes all kinds.
- Noisy. Noisy.
- Soul-beat brother.
- Tinsel town.
- Solid city.
- Gaudy. Ugly.
- Gassy. Classy.
- Cheap anyhow.
- Yeah, like wow.
- Very dirty.
- Simon-pure.
- Dull scene.
- My dream.
- Square, hey.
- No way.
- Sick and low.
- Living show.
- It's got no class.
- Nothing but.
- Empty. No heart.
- Full, sweetheart.
- No-talent town.
- Don 't put it down.
- Junkie heaven.
- Not for me.
- Dishonest clowns.
- Sincere.
- Perverts. Fruits.
- Swingers. Kooks.
- Obvious. Stinks.
- Full-length minks.
- All strangers.
- Not all.
- Like who?
- My aunt.
- Since when?
- Since Aunt Susan.
- Oh, yeah?
- Rich Aunt Susan.
- Bitch Aunt Susan.
- Got my share.
- Of what?
- The bread.
- Cool head.
- So we go?
So go!
So all we need now
is your long-lost Aunt...
- What's her name?
- Her name is Susan Lake.
This batch has more snap.
Run the rest at the same ASA.
- Long distance, Miss Lake.
- Hello? Who?
Q-U-A-N-T. In London.
Yeah, that's correct.
As quickly as possible.
Susan, we must have a chat.
The bodice is so wrong.
- Doesn't she look like a cow?
- The fact is, Cynthia is not a boy.
Take off your bra, dear.
That will flatten you some.
Have her put it back on.
Betty, tell him it's impossible.
Gordon, she looks exactly the same
with or without the bra.
- Porter, explain this contract to me.
- We can't get three years, Susan.
They'll go two and a half.
The editor tells me that is final.
- People!
- I need some time with you.
Can we discuss it at dinner?
That'll give you time to talk to Vogue.
- Anything we can do for you?
- That's okay...
...I can come back.
- Out with it. We're not that frantic.
- I'm your niece.
- You're Catherine's daughter?
My name's Kelly Mac Namara.
Susan! Susan!
I am simply in a rage!
How did your mother learn
about Aunt Claire?
The Worcester paper is where she heard
about Aunt Claire's death and about...
...you and Baxter Wolfe
and the inheritance.
- What inheritance was that?
- Mine. I was last in line after my sister.
Your mother disappeared. We were never
really close. I was 14 years younger.
But now that you've come along, Kelly,
I think that part of it should be yours.
Susan, you know there was
no provision in the will.
- Thousand Island?
- No, thank you.
You're a lawyer. You should
know that wills are just paper.
I'm a lawyer, yes. And any changes
Aunt Claire would or might have made...
...have no validity in law.
- Porter, of course I know that.
Kelly, there was nearly a million dollars.
I know this isn't the time or place...
...but since Porter's made such a
point of it, I can't see why...
...say, a third of it shouldn't be yours.
- A third of a million dollars?
- The two of us are the only survivors.
I don't see why you should have to pay
for the sins of your mother?
Sins that seem to me that were really
committed by the rest of the family.
- That's a big idea to get used to.
- I'll have Porter draw up the papers.
I have a marvelous idea.
Ronnie Barzell's throwing a party tonight.
Ronnie Barzell?
You mean Z-Man Barzell?
The one, the only, the original.
Susan, I've got friends in a rock group.
It would mean so much for them to
meet Z-Man. Can I invite them?
Don't tell me you're a groupie.
The other way around. It's my group.
Now, let me be sure I fully understand
this. You are a rock 'n' roll singer?
- Why? Is that a no-no?
- My dear young lady...
Porter, you have an unending capacity
for counterfeit astonishment.
Of course you can invite your friends.
There's a phone in the living room.
I think that Ronnie's address is in
my book under the B's.
Great!
I'm not dressed for a party, though.
We're about the same size,
and I got loads of things in my closet.
Call your friends
and slip into anything you like. Okay?
Oh, groovy! Thanks.
Susan, have you taken
leave of your senses?
Some anonymous rock 'n' roll singer
drops in here out of the clear blue sky...
...and you fall for a lie.
You won't believe this, but we've been
invited to a party at Z-Man Barzell's.
- Is this for real?
- Get Casey and Pet, and meet me there.
This creature marches in without a cent
to her name and a dubious pedigree...
...and without a moment's thought...
...you recklessly dispose
of a third of your money.
- Porter, let me handle this.
- The party starts when you get there.
- Susan, please.
- We're late already.
- They banned my last film in Cincinnati.
- Groovy town.
When I'm with you, pussycat,
who needs grass?
You'd have to see it to believe it.
Of course, I nearly choked.
- And then this bitch took a drink...
- He's bothered every woman at the bar.
Do you know what happened
after he drank a Fresca?
- He snowed in his pants.
- You know what he uses for deodorant?
- Raid.
- Cool, man.
My old man really blew his mind. He said
he'd kill me if he found anymore grass.
- Escape, man.
- All right!
- And you're a moonchild.
- And you're a bitch.
- I think it's better after the change.
- I'm with you.
I was ready to roll over and fall asleep.
Then Tony said, "Come over to my pad.
I've got a wading pool of mayonnaise!"
I found the European women
far more receptive and less hung-up.
- She went after me like a barracuda.
- I warned you, you old fruit.
- Classics Benjamin.
- Bad trip.
- It wasn't long, but four inches thick.
- Ever been whipped with a wand...
...until the blood came?
- Cool it! You'll rupture your tongue.
Feel it, my pretty?
The night is filled with magic.
- Mark my words, dove, tonight is special.
- I was so anxious, I stepped on her face.
Susan, Porter, how are you?
Ronnie, see who's here.
- I'll say it. Haven't I seen you before?
- You saw her at my studio this afternoon.
- Ronnie, this is my niece, Kelly.
- Every inch as ugly as you are, Susan.
Must run in the family.
I'd like you to meet Vanessa,
my escort and bodyguard.
- Pleasure.
- Come on, babe, I'll show you the dump.
Come with me. I want to show you
the most divine clairvoyant.
- What can I get you, juice or grass?
- Just a vodka and tonic, please.
Look there.
The infamous Ashley St. Ives...
...famous for her portrayals
in prettily, pornographic pictures.
See how she gives her body
to the ritual? Delicious.
Observe in yon quiet corner, an island
of tranquility in this sea of revelry.
The languid Roxanne finds beauty,
that delicate pinch of feminine spice...
...with which she so often flavors
her interludes.
Look there. Lance Rocke,
Greek god and part-time actor.
See how well he performs?
His is a special talent.
The golden hair, the bedroom eyes,
the firm young body.
These are the tools with which he plies
his trade. All are available for a price.
Beware, fair maiden, of Emerson Thorne.
Behind that friendly mask...
...lies fermenting the unholy seed
of a lawyer.
See there, behind the bar, the man
with the benign Germanic countenance?
Could that be
another face of Martin Bormann?
I've been to parties where they danced
to records by Strawberry Alarm Clock.
But this is the first time The Strawberry
Alarm Clock's ever been to the party.
What are you shelling out?
I hear the minimum is four thou.
- I get them for free. They're mine.
- Wow. Really?
Here, have some grass.
Aunt Susan won't see you.
No, thanks, man. In a scene like this,
you get a contact high!
This is my happening
and it freaks me out!
It's a stone gas, man.
Pray, we must make haste.
My time is not my own.
Before the clock strikes 12,
I must be back at Forest Lawn.
Come. I know of a cozy,
little dungeon...
...where just the two of us can curl up
with the chains and a spider.
Delighted to see my hostages
in such happy dalliance.
Pray, let them joust in peace.
You're not helping the situation any,
I must say.
Out. Out. Count Dracula relishes
an audience, only one at a time.
- Have fun.
- What is this, a studio tour?
- This looks like the...
- Master's bedroom.
Can you dig it?
Follow me, my dear.
Let me show you
one of my preoccupations.
And this is the master's bath.
Come on.
- Sorry to disturb you.
- It's cool, baby.
Hey, I've heard about trees growing
in Brooklyn, but ferns in the biffy?
- Class.
- The idea came to me in a vision.
- Every morning, I luxuriate in my bath.
- I dig, man. You're on an ego trip.
But what about the ferns?
Let's call them tropical varieties.
They thrive on the humidity...
...and they never let me forget
that all Los Angeles is a jungle.
Hello. You must be Kelly's friends.
I'm Vanessa.
- Susan, Kelly's friends have arrived.
- We've heard so much about you.
- I'm Susan Lake, Kelly's aunt.
- Hi, Miss Lake. This is Pet...
...and Casey. And I'm Harris.
- Has anyone here seen Kelly?
- I saw her a minute ago with Ronnie.
- May I lead an expedition to the bar?
- No, thanks. I'll take a rain check.
How about you two?
Excuse me.
- You don't drink?
- Later.
Yeah, later.
- Vodka gimlets.
- Thank you.
I guess liquor's considered
kind of square these days.
Same as grass.
It depends on how you use it.
Would you like to meet
some of the more interesting specimens?
Why not?
- Casey?
- I'll stay here. Go on.
- Quite a blast.
- Quite.
I make it a point never to miss one
of Ronnie's parties. Better than the zoo.
Putting people down
for having a good time?
On the contrary, my dear. But this is
hardly my idea of a civilized good time.
Casey Anderson, huh?
No relation to Senator Casey Anderson?
He's my father.
I'll bet he's highly amused
that his daughter's a hippie?
- I'm in a rock group.
- And that's your uniform?
And that's yours?
At least it's not a uniform
worn by freaks.
So the senator's daughter
is a rock 'n' roll singer, huh?
Say, do you and your friends shack up
in a minibus, or aren't things that cozy?
I couldn't help but notice
your little run-in with Porter Hall.
- Men.
- Ninety-nine percent.
Casey, I'd like to design something
for you.
Why don't you
stop by my studio sometime?
It's a trip to design for a good figure
once in a while.
Anyway, you could imagine
how this woman feels...
...when she finds out
that her 17-year-old son...
...is making it
with one of her best friends.
Now, you have to remember that she...
...has a young lover of her own.
So it makes her take
a long look at her whole scheme.
That's why in my new film,
they drag in this whole thing...
...about the lack of communication
between parents and kids.
Well, now, Harris, we meet again.
"Come into my den,"
said the spider, et cetera.
- I was looking for somebody.
- Anybody I know?
Where do you get this "anybody
I know" business?
From one of those pornographic
movies you star in?
You mean my controversial,
box-office blockbusters?
Ashley St. Ives.
I saw one of your movies once.
I think it was the one
about the teenage, incest triangle.
You'll have to help me
on the research for the next one.
- So you're an ear freak?
- Name some more.
All right, then.
How about a toe freak?
I need it. I want it.
A beautiful woman
kissing me between the toes.
People who wear sandals
must not get very many volunteers.
- I could change.
- Into something more titillating?
That sounds vaguely obscene.
You're a groovy boy.
I'd like to strap you on sometime.
And if there's anything I can't stand,
it's vagueness.
Harris.
A deathly dry gin martini.
But I thought we had
another case of scotch.
Excuse me, have you seen Kelly?
No, the last time I saw her
she was wandering around with Z-Man.
- They can be anywhere.
- Thanks.
Get yourself in gear, baby.
These people are dying of thirst.
Look, I'll tell you what I'll do.
I'll check. Okay?
- But, Lance, I gave you $ 1200 last week.
- I want $ 12,000, baby.
- I'm sorry.
- Perfect timing.
I was looking for the john.
Z-Man Barzell is a very rich cat, but
he doesn't have a john in the kitchen.
- Maybe I was looking for a sandwich.
- This ain't no welfare line.
Then what are you standing in it for?
- Getting my thing together.
- You putting me on?
Unmasked again.
He poses as a busboy...
...but in real life,
he's Emerson Thorne...
...ambitious, young law student...
...who studies by day
and waits by night.
I was going to say something smart-ass,
but all of a sudden you know what?
No. What?
Suddenly, I knew you
weren't putting me on...
...that you were Emerson Thorne,
ambitious, young law student...
...and all that crap.
What about that kiss
and all that crap?
There's more where that came from,
Emerson Thorne.
You're into a heavy scene.
Don't sweat it. It can be a drag.
- Am I interrupting something?
- Harris!
Only a little make out session
between Count Dracula...
...and Mary Wollstonecraft Shelley.
- Hey, man.
Ronnie Barzell, I'd like you
to meet Harris Allsworth, my...
- My manager.
- Manager, eh?
Any friend of Mary Wollstonecraft Shelley
is a friend of mine.
- Manager?
- The Kelly Affair.
The Kelly Affair?
You mean, you're the Kelly?
Little did I suspect I was in the presence.
Still, that name won't do, you know.
It's awfully 1950s.
- Might as well call them The Haircuts.
- Kelly, I'm ready to leave.
Leave? No. You have not yet
graced our gathering with a song.
Come, my dove. I must present you
to the faithful. Now!
Ladies and gentlemen,
an announcement if you please.
There is a new rock group in the house.
Their name, The Kelly Affair. Well, even
their best friends don't like their name.
Still, as the teen tycoon of rock, I'd like
to hear them and I'm sure you would too.
The Kelly Affair.
I'd like to strap you on sometime.
Stop! Cool it! Cool it!
Masters and mistresses, I'm
so excited about what I've just heard...
...I predict these three, like
their sister before them, Carrie Nation...
...will crush the musical barrier
and rise like angels.
Did I say "like Carrie Nation"?
Nay, nay, they are The Carrie Nations.
You'll be superstars!
- We killed them, didn't we?
- You've reached the unreachable star...
...beat the unbeatable foe. The Times
and free-press critics will pay homage.
Ronnie, we owe everything to you, man!
My fine countess,
your melodious voice...
...surpasses the haunting pipes of Circe.
Beauteous Pet of triumph,
you were a thunderstorm.
Casey, mistress fair...
...this stringed assault has left
my ears fiercely vibrating. Majestic!
- You played some funky drums out there.
- I'm glad you dug it.
- So, what's not to dig?
- Did you hear the wondrous miracle...
...wrought by my muses?
- You've done it again, Ronnie.
Again and again.
Porter, methinks this brew is not
for your more delicate sensibilities.
Courage, Camille.
Excuse me. Casey, did you
hear the crowd? You were great.
- Thank you.
- Just great.
- I'm really happy.
- And you, the infamous Ashley St. Ives...
...high priestess of carnality,
what thinkest thou of our minstrels?
Congratulations, Ronnie.
They were heavy.
Make haste, my supple countess.
The last flight to Shangri-la
leaves within the hour. Hasten, hasten!
- Come on, Casey. Let's go.
- I'll talk to you later, okay?
Does not the moment
amuse you, Kracow?
Hasten, ere the portcullis
bars your entrance to Elsinore.
Here, let me help you.
- Pet, where's Emerson?
- Cramming for bar exams.
When are you two gonna shack up?
As soon as he can move me
into the law library.
- Hey, there's another party at Z-Man's.
- So, what else is new?
Like every night. Deal me out.
- What's the matter, babe?
- Nothing. Just beat.
All I want is some peace and quiet,
and that's one thing Z-Man can't offer.
Have a ball. I'll see you tomorrow.
Ciao.
- Good night.
- Case?
- Got anymore grass, man?
- I scored this afternoon.
The cat swore up and down
it was Acapulco Gold.
- Lf we're lucky, maybe it's at least pot.
- Or we'll get an oregano high.
- Weren't you with Emerson all afternoon?
- I was.
- I thought he was at the law library.
- He was.
So, like, when did you score, man?
Well, Emerson slipped me
a graduate-student pass.
I went back in the stacks to do some
research in the rare book collection.
- And who do I run into but my score?
- Cool, man. That's getting it together.
- Yeah. See you later, Kel.
- Okay.
- Hi, babe. Coming to the party tonight?
- What party?
Everyone's splitting for Z-Man's.
- Everybody?
- You bugged, man?
- Yeah.
- What's the matter, baby?
- Things happened tonight.
- Sure.
- So?
- So where do I fit in, Kelly?
- I don't dig.
- There once was a time...
...maybe you can remember,
when I was your manager...
...not the next thing
to a goddamn groupie.
Come along to Z-Man's. Do you good.
Move it out, Kelly.
- Be right there.
- Roxie and I will meet you out by the car.
I gotta split, man.
Say, Miss Mac Namara?
You were great.
You really turned them on.
Oh, thanks.
Don't I know you from somewhere?
Don't tell me your name. You're...
- Lance. Lance Rocke.
- That's it!
- Coming to the party at Z-Man's tonight?
- I...
I don't know.
What do you think, Miriam?
Feel like a party?
Not really, Lance.
Sounds divine,
but it's past my bedtime.
That's a shame, Miriam.
It's gonna be so much fun.
- You sure?
- As sure as sure can be.
Well, at least let me call you a cab.
What do you say everybody?
Let's do it.
- Going my way?
- I'm skipping the party. I'm going home.
I'm skipping the party too. Why don't
you climb in, unless you have a ride.
- Don't put yourself out. I can hitch.
- We're going the same way.
Come on. Get in.
Turn left at the next street.
Mine's the one on the right
with the bright lights.
- So?
- Thanks a lot, Ashley.
Don't I even deserve a good night kiss?
Let's go inside.
- What's wrong with the Rolls?
- Not when my bed's handy.
- I want you right here.
- At least we can park in the driveway.
Now it's your move.
It's my first time in a Rolls.
There's nothing like a Rolls, Harris.
There's nothing like a Rolls.
Nothing. Nothing like a Rolls!
Not even a Bentley!
Not even a Bentley!
Bentley! Bentley!
It's like a Rolls. A Rolls!
A Rolls!
You're beautiful, Kelly.
Kel, who's that Susan Lake broad?
What's her story?
- Susan Lake, my long-lost aunt.
- Aunt Susan?
That's far out.
She's a fine-looking lady.
Nice and firm.
Round and beautiful. Well, pneumatic.
- Aunt Susan?
- Yeah, Aunt Susan.
- She'd flip out to hear you say that.
- I doubt it.
- Lance?
- Yeah?
- I'm thinking of cutting my hair.
- Well, don't.
Why not?
I wanna love you for more than money.
- What do you mean?
- You know what I mean, the millions.
- The Lake millions.
- You know a lot about me, don't you?
- There's no secrets at Z-Man's.
- I gently suggested to Aunt Susan...
...that the millions could go screw.
- You what?
- You heard me.
- Wow, baby, that was really dumb.
And how come you're
only getting a third?
You ought to be getting half,
and you know it.
- Why should I get anything at all?
- You earned it.
Getting shafted all your life while all
those relatives lived it up in Worcester.
- You know a lot about my family.
- Like I say...
...there aren't many secrets
around here.
Kelly. Now listen, Kelly.
I'm gonna give you some free advice,
baby, and you'd better take it.
The noble Porter Hall is trying
to get his lunch hooks on that dough.
He's screwing you, baby,
not Susan Lake.
That girl Kelly Mac Namara is a tramp.
She was living in a single room
with three other individuals.
One of them was a male.
And the other two?
Well, the other two were females.
God only knows what they
were up to in there.
And furthermore,
I wouldn't be surprised to learn...
...that all four of them
habitually smoke marijuana cigarettes.
- Reefers.
- I'm Kelly Mac Namara, Ms. Lake's niece.
- Hi. I'm glad to know you.
- Thanks. She in? Can I see her?
I'll see.
- Miss Lake, Miss Mac Namara.
- Besides, if Kelly does turn on...
- Send her in.
- You may go in now, Miss Mac Namara.
- Bye.
- Bye.
Now you try to contain yourself, Porter.
- I hope I'm not interrupting anything.
- Come in, Kelly, Porter's all steamed up.
- Too much partying.
- You listen to me, hippie.
I don't know who you are
or where you came from...
...but if you don't withdraw your
morbid interest in Miss Lake's affairs...
...I shall be forced to take legal action.
- Man, I doubt if you'd recognize a hippie.
I'm a capitalist, baby.
I work for my living,
not suck off somebody else.
Not a penny, Miss Mac Namara.
Not a single penny. I promise you that.
- You're making a fool of yourself.
- A tramp with the morals of an alley cat.
- Up yours, ratso!
- Not a single penny. It's not her money.
Even if she is who she claims to be,
her behavior's disgusting.
- I'll take half a million dollars, man!
- What was that?
You heard me. Half a million dollars
and not a penny less.
How can you be so blind, Susan?
I met her type before.
The little innocent face and smile.
The little, sweet virgin-whore.
Porter, why are you acting like this?
She's only a child!
It's got to be, Susan.
It's gotta be half.
Half a million dollars.
Mom never wanted it,
but she should have had it.
That's the way it's gotta be.
Precedent for a defendant
waiving jury trial for a private hearing...
...in a case involving national security?
Talbott v. United States. Supreme
Court decision, 1917.
Amended 1941,
in the case of the government.
Plaintiff v. Consolidated Industries
and defendant Robert F. Zonka.
Prejudice of jury alleged in case
involving alien national...?
Enough. Tomorrow I'll study.
- Tomorrow and tomorrow and tomorrow.
- You sound like Z-Man.
And Z-Man sounds like Will Shakespeare.
Right now, I feel like making love.
She loves me,
she loves me not.
What is this, Tammy and the Lawyer?
If I don't dig you,
how come I'm making it with you?
Because I'm the ballsiest cat
you ever did meet.
What did you say
before you lost your cool?
Because I'm the ballsiest cat
you ever did meet.
Right on!
Kelly? I mean Miss Mac Namara.
Good morning. Porter Hall here.
Hello?
- Who was it, baby?
- Porter Hall.
- See what the ace has got to say.
- We were cut off.
I'm terribly sorry about that scene
in Susan 's office yesterday.
Certainly, I never remotely intended
to give the impression...
...I must have left.
There are so many things I feel
we have in common...
...that I'd appreciate it very much
if we could have a drink...
...perhaps sometime this afternoon
and discuss them.
Have the drink. Go ahead.
- Okay, Mr. Hall.
- Excellent. That pleases me very much.
- And where shall we meet?
- Tell him O'Rourke's. O'Rourke's.
- O'Rourke's.
- O'Rourke's?
- Yeah, near City College.
- Fine. And at what time?
- 3:00, I guess. Tell him 3.
- I'll be there about 3.
See you then. Bye.
You did good, beautiful.
You know the mother's up to something.
Here's your chance to really shaft him.
Think so?
I know so.
I'll be out of here by 3,
in case you need the place.
Why do I do everything you tell me?
I don't know. Why do you?
I can't help myself.
You've made me into a whore.
And you dig it, you little freak.
Kelly, I'm so pleased
that you agreed to meet me.
That scene yesterday? I've already told
you how perfectly dreadful I feel about it.
I made certain allegations
that I can only deeply apologize for.
- ID?
- I'm having a coffee.
A very dry vodka martini for me.
Make it a double, please.
Of course we've had our
misunderstandings, but who hasn't?
I believe they call it the generation gap.
In my day, they called it something else.
I can remember when my father raised
the dickens over me. I was a devil then.
Came home in a pinch-back suit. He
thought I'd gone the way of Oscar Wilde.
- That'll be $ 1.20.
- Start a tab for me, will you please?
- Would you like something stronger?
- They don't serve it in bars.
Hey, got a quarter?
Perhaps it's just as well.
In any event, I didn't ask you
to meet me today simply to apologize.
I also wanted to discuss this financial
misunderstanding we're enmeshed in.
Now, as Miss Lake's adviser,
I have her best interests at heart.
However, I want to suggest
a business arrangement...
...an arrangement that would be
the greatest benefit to all concerned.
Now, I've taken the liberty
of drawing up this document.
By which, in return for the handsome
consideration of $50,000 immediately...
...you would agree to discontinue,
or should I say, no longer press charges.
Kelly.
- Kelly, please let me finish.
- You are finished, cheap swindler.
You and Susan Lake
and your documents.
Wait. I assure you, Susan Lake
had absolutely no knowledge of this.
Congratulations. I didn't think you had
the balls to go sneaking behind her back.
- Kelly, please.
- Oh, get!
McHugh, throw me a bar rag.
- A clean one.
- Coming at you.
Porter, I'm sorry I lost my temper.
It was my fault bringing you here.
Tell you what...
...let's go to my place. We can talk
some more about your document.
- Want some?
- What is it?
Oh, Porter.
You mean you don't know what it is?
Of course I know what it is.
Porter, don't waste it!
Look, look, let me show you.
Draw in. That's it. Hold it here.
That's it. Now blow it out.
Let me show you. Look. Like this.
See? Now you do it.
See? Deep down. Deep down here.
Porter, you're so cute.
I think I'll change into something
more comfortable.
Hang cool, teddy bear.
Why don't you lose your laundry, Porter?
Come on, Porter.
You're taking so much time.
Hurry, Porter.
Porter, really.
Wearing your underwear to bed?
I'll help you. Come on.
Hey, have you got lead in your...?
There.
- Kelly?
- Yes, Porter?
Never mind, Porter.
If you don't tell Aunt Susan, I won't.
A toast, a toast, my friends,
to The Carrie Nations...
...and to their first golden record.
Long may they reign.
So that's the pole-vaulter?
Between that and those little pills,
you won't be good for anything.
Ashley's got a better idea.
Now you're inviting motor psychos
to your parties.
What next, truck drivers
and longshoremen?
You mean really rough trade?
Never mind.
I hope Kelly knows
what she's getting into.
- Lance Rocke is no Prince Valiant.
- They deserve each other.
- Where's Emerson, pussycat?
- Bar exams, as usual.
That's gratitude. I promote him to waiter
and he decides to be a lawyer instead.
- Still, some good came of it. He met you.
- Thank you.
This should be fascinating.
See the cat in the Brooks Brothers suit?
Who is he?
He looks straight for this crowd.
His name is Baxter Wolfe.
You've treated her like this
since meeting her.
She's after your money. Nothing you
can say will change my opinion.
They were in love for years.
He proposed to her once...
...but it was the wrong moment.
- As your legal adviser...
...let me handle this
in my own discreet way.
I've already seen a display of your
discretion. It's reminiscent of a meat ax.
- She doesn't know he's in Hollywood.
- Really?
- Baxter Wolfe.
- Hello, Ronnie.
Hello, Susan.
Baxter, I'd like you
to meet Petronella Danforth.
- And this is Porter Hall.
- Glad to meet you. Heard a lot about you.
- How have you been, Susan?
- Okay.
I hear you're doing quite well
in the advertising field.
- Yes, Baxter.
- We seem to be interrupting a reunion.
- May I escort you to the bar?
- I want a daiquiri.
Could you get away for a few minutes?
I'd like to talk to you.
- It's been three years.
- Doesn't matter.
I'm still in love with you, Susan.
I always have been.
I've changed. I'm no longer the guy
who swore he'd never marry.
I heard you were engaged.
Now that you mention it,
I suppose I am engaged.
Or should I say, I was engaged?
I only seriously proposed marriage
once in my life, Susan.
And the offer still stands.
Z-Man really has a spread.
I heard it cost half a million.
- Is that all?
- Well, it's a lot of bread to me.
- Hey, Rockey baby!
- Hey, man. What's happening?
Get over here
and have a drink on me!
Double Johnny Walker
on the rocks for my man.
- Red label or black?
- Black.
For my blue-eyed soul brother.
Lance, how you been doing, baby?
Hey, you still balling that rich chick
with the knockers?
Here's another one
in case you ever run out.
Goddamn it, Randy,
I haven't seen you in six months, man.
- How the hell you been?
- Making it, baby.
Wait a minute, since last I saw you,
you won the heavyweight championship.
- Congratulations!
- Thanks, baby.
- Digging it, champ?
- Miss Kelly Mac Namara.
Miss Petronella Danforth.
Meet Randy Black. We call him The Man.
Two-thirds of my latest creation, champ.
The Carrie Nations.
What are you doing here alone, baby?
Making a last stand?
Don't worry about me.
I got a real nice old man.
If you've got a nice old man,
where is he now?
He's studying for a bar exam,
if that makes any difference to you.
Well, that changes everything.
- He a brother?
- Right on.
Then it's my duty to get you
out on this dance floor...
...and keep you all nice...
...and easy for him.
- Where is Casey?
- I phoned her, but she crashed.
The champion of the world.
I haven't seen him for six months.
Come on, Ashley.
We're on the goddamn sand.
- So?
- Somebody could step on us.
- That would be a gas, Harris.
- Phone booth. On a billiard table.
Swinging from a chandelier.
Standing up in a canoe.
There's more to life
than the classic position.
Would you cool it, Ashley?
Hey, let's make it in a bed for a change.
- That'd be kind of freaky.
- Harris, I can't wait.
Harris, you're so square.
You kids are supposed to be swingers.
I think it'd be a gas
to make love on the beach.
What does sex amount to without guilt?
That's what Sigmund Freud says.
Take away the guilt,
and who'd ever want to get laid?
Why the hell don't you
lay Sigmund Freud?
Harris, you're drunk and you're stoned.
And the worst of it is...
...you're a lousy lay.
You'll never get into one of my films...
...unless maybe as a hairdresser.
- What do you mean?
- Kinder to tell you now, lover.
Maybe it's not too late for you
to find some nice, tender boy.
Kelly!
- Harris?
- Hey.
I said, hey!
The lady's made her choice, loser.
Baby, get up! Attaboy. Come on.
There you go.
Come on, get up. Attaboy, come on.
Let's go. I referee fights, man.
Get up. Come on.
Don't choke him, pick him up.
Come on, hold him.
Stick him, Lance. Hit him.
- Come on, man.
- The outcome is inevitable.
The golden gladiator
must emerge victorious.
- Lance, stop it. You've hurt him enough.
- He hit on me!
Big lover.
Big man.
Dandy, Lance.
How's she getting home?
It's her car.
We could have used you
at the Russian front.
What I see is beyond your dreaming.
Miss Mac Namara...
...remember.
Mr. Hall!
Take your $50,000, lover.
- What have you done to Kelly?
- She attacked me.
- I find that very difficult to believe.
- Must you continue defending her?
Susan, I think this concerns you.
I never wanna see you again.
- Well, as your legal adviser...
- You'd better leave, Hall.
- The way he humiliated Kelly...
- Hold on, honey.
You can't help her right now.
This is something she'll
have to work out for herself.
- But...
- No, baby, no. Not now.
Just leave it.
That's the trouble with people today.
All uptight about tomorrow.
Hanging onto yesterday.
It's no good. No good at all.
There's only one time that counts.
Now. Right now.
If you don't live for now, you might
as well roll over and take the full count.
So, what are you,
the heavyweight philosopher?
Just try me.
Really a fine performance, Lance.
Superb.
Nice little party
and you chop up the chick's boyfriend.
Boyfriend?
Boyfriend?
Now listen, Barzell...
...I don't know where everybody's
getting this boyfriend crap.
But the chick's been sleeping with me.
You got it?
Knowing you, I'm sure she has.
Have you run an audit on her books yet?
Or are you still screwing on faith?
You know, I don't like the tone
of your voice.
- Don't like it?
- No, I don't like it.
It's a shame you narrowed your field.
You'd make a great switch hitter.
I'm all alone tonight. It appears that you
are too. So why don't the two of us...?
This really isn't your night,
is it, pussycat?
- Who is it?
- It's me, Harris. Can I come in?
Thanks, Casey.
What happened to you?
Okay, the silent bit.
Pour me one too, will you?
You want a downer?
- Casey?
- I'm here.
- Ashley called me a fag.
- Oh, that's a lot crap.
I don't know.
I don't know. I just don't know.
You need some rest.
- Juice. It's a bad trip.
- What are you, my mother?
I'm your friend!
I don't mean to dump on you, Casey.
You get mixed up with these people
and two weeks later, you're an alcoholic.
There are juice freaks
and there are pill freaks.
And everybody's a freak.
What you need is grass or a downer.
- All I wanna do is rap.
- Then rap. What is this faggot business?
She said I'm a lousy lay too.
Then I went into the house
and made a bigger ass of myself.
Medicine.
- Can I sleep with you tonight?
- Sure. I've got all the room in the world.
- Still uptight?
- Don't you understand?
Kelly and Harris, they're my friends.
You're a bleeder. What you need
is an old man who's always handy.
- Is that your old man?
- Emerson!
Emerson, you were gonna study.
But you said you were going to study!
- I guess he didn't take it too well.
- Get out. Get out of here!
- Get out!
- All you want is a little action...
...and every time there's a hassle.
You're in my way, man. Again.
Move your ass out of the way, son.
Son of a bitch, get the hell out of there!
You either move your ass, boy,
or I'll move it for you!
Get me off of here, you bastard!
You stupid bastard!
Stop this car!
Oh, my God!
Stupid son of a bitch, stop the damn car!
- What's the matter with you?
- I can fix you once and for all!
Oh, my God, Emerson. Oh, my God.
- It's all right.
- I didn't mean it.
I'm such a fool. I love you.
I love you.
You bastard. You lousy bastard!
Was it good? Did you enjoy yourself?
- What the hell are you talking about?
- Goddamn it, you're like the rest.
- Casey, like I was...
- Just shut up!
Get out of here!
Hello?
Hello?
Where to, amigo?
That's funny, man.
Seriously, though, folks...
...where would we be today
without the great Z-Man Barzell?
Without Z-Man, where would anyone be?
You know, sometimes I think he's
secretly the president.
- You kids gonna sing a song for us now?
- Try and stop us, Gordon.
It's the title song of our new album,
Looking up at the Bottom.
- Let's play "Find lt."
- "Find it"?
It would be a way
to say thank you to someone.
For old time's sake?
- Casey?
- I don't mind. I can handle it.
Well, looks like there's
a slight change of plan.
We'd like to do a number
that's not in the album.
It's never been performed on live TV.
- It's called "Find lt."
- "Find lt." Why not? If you can.
Ladies and gentlemen, The Carrie Nations
singing, for the first time on TV...
..."Find lt."
- Cut! Cut!
- No, don't listen to that man!
Keep those cameras rolling!
- I don't know what happened here.
- Call an ambulance!
Get away from him!
Leave him alone!
He's seems still, very motionless.
No, he's moving just a little bit.
- Oh, my God.
- He's alive.
Don't move him anymore.
I'll get an ambulance.
Keep them moving.
Keep the cameras moving.
I've been so full of crap
right from the beginning.
It wasn't enough for me
to mess up my own life...
...but to screw up Harris'...
- Kelly, everyone's guilty.
- But he's still alive, isn't he?
- Sometimes you learn too late.
- I don't give a damn! It's still my fault!
- Don't blame yourself, Kelly.
What happened to Harris happened
for reasons...
...you don't know anything about.
- What the hell do you know about it?
- I'm going to have his baby.
You Mr. Allsworth's friends?
I'm Dr. Scholl.
Regrettably, we have discovered
traumatic shock to the spinal column...
...resulting in massive nerve dysfunction.
However, in a very small percentage
of these cases...
...there is spontaneous repair
of the damaged tissue.
But you must remember,
this is extremely rare.
With proper rehabilitation, there is every
reason to believe that the patient...
...will adjust, be useful...
...and yes, have a rewarding life
as a paraplegic.
You're just gonna have to relax.
I can't even move you.
How's that, Casey?
- Roxanne, l...
- Jeanine, would you excuse us?
- Surely.
- Thank you.
- Come on, let's have it.
- Roxanne, I'm pregnant.
- How long?
- Two months.
- You sure? Maybe you're just late.
- The lab report came yesterday...
You have one of the more
common Hollywood problems.
- I know a doctor that can help you.
- I don't want an abortion.
I want this baby.
It belongs to Harris.
- To Harris?
- Yes.
But how can you be sure?
He's been the only one for months.
He dropped by one night.
He was drunk and I was stoned.
- You're determined to have the baby?
- I have to.
After what happened, this could be the
only child Harris could ever conceive.
And you feel loyalty
toward a man who raped you...
...when you were unconscious?
It's crazy, but in a funny way I do.
It's the child of a man you never loved...
...conceived in a moment
you don't even remember.
- That's easy to say.
- And there's your parents to think about.
Your father. How will it affect
his career in the Senate?
I haven't thought about him...
- Does Harris know?
- No.
Pet and Kelly do, though.
One thing's certain, they aren't
going to volunteer the information.
Not now.
Casey, it's only your problem.
- But the baby...
- The doctor is ready.
- Couldn't I just have one of my dolls?
- Not before, it could be dangerous.
Come on. Come on.
You'll have to wait here, miss.
Miss Smith, this is Dr. Downs.
Miss Smith. There's really nothing
to worry about at all.
You'll be just as good as new.
- How about another?
- No, ma'am. Why don't you have one?
You trying to talk me off my diet?
What are you waiting for? You'll be late
for class. Expecting company?
- Not company, roses.
- Roses?
This is our anniversary.
We've been engaged exactly one week.
I didn't think you'd remember.
That'll be them now.
Well, El Buckaroo.
I was hoping I'd find you here
to personally thank you...
...for those 30 days in the bucket.
- Who is it, Emerson? The delivery...
...boy?
- Right on.
- What was it you wanted delivered?
- What the hell are you doing here?
Just making a little house call.
My last one got sidetracked
by assault and battery.
- Randy, please don't cause any trouble.
- Trouble?
- You got any jam?
- Randy, please leave.
- No jam at all.
- Man, I think you better leave.
Don't you bother about me.
I'll just fix me a little snack.
I'm used to it. You see, I don't have
a chick to fix breakfast for me.
- So I just fix a little snack of my own.
- Emerson, let me handle this.
Now that's real cool advice. Since you're
in charge, where should we start?
Get the hell out of here, man.
I just don't understand
your change of mood, lady.
Now, the last time I was up here,
you were in a whole different bag.
I remember that night so clearly.
- You were so good...
- I said get the hell...!
Why, Randy? Why?
Come now, little lady,
there's nothing to be afraid of.
- I love him.
- Nothing at all.
- Why can't you leave us alone?
- Come to Papa.
Why you little...
You touch him and I'll cut you!
Bastard.
Now, ain't that just the luck?
And here I am without a good cut man
in my corner.
I sure could use old Dan Florio right now,
because without the cut man...
...I might get a little slice under the eye.
Don't mean anything.
It'd stop the fight.
It don't seem reasonable somehow.
I'm throwing in the towel.
Roxanne, you've been so kind.
I don't know who else
would have been so wonderful.
I need you very much.
Checkmate.
There is no way I can move.
- Another game?
- Not just now. Maybe a little later.
- How do you feel today?
- All right. Maybe a little better.
- Is all the stiffness gone?
- Pretty much so.
Look, Kelly, don't feel you have to
stay around here and keep me company.
You must have a thousand things to do.
I don't have anything to do that's more
important than this, Harris. Dig?
You're racing through life
full steam ahead, not giving a damn...
...then something happens
to make you stop short.
And you realize that people
are what count.
You're important to me, Harris.
- I'm available too.
- Swell, Lance. Very good.
Why don't you high over to my place
about 9:00 tonight?
Lance?
- No way, lady.
- Lance?
Yeah. I'll see you tonight.
Hello, Roxanne? Why don 't you drop
over to my place about 9:00 tonight?
Bring your little girl. I'm in the mood
for one of my special private parties.
Since I'd already proposed to her once,
I figured it was just a waste of time.
Oh, Baxter.
And strictly as an afterthought,
it occurred to me that...
...I loved her.
Our generation fights the sex revolution
and they get married.
Ain't that the truth.
Are you sure you won't stay
and have dinner?
No, thanks. I'd say yes, but tonight
calls for champagne and candlelight.
A toast, a toast, my friends,
to our health and cheer and happiness.
Otto, let the ritual begin.
Well done, vassal. Pray, be excused. We
have no further need of your services.
Make sure you turn off the ovens.
For the queen, so haughty and serene.
- One, two for you, little page.
- What are these for?
To sheathe your body for the court.
And a brutal one for the jungle denizen.
- Come with me. We'll change.
- And the best one of all for me.
- The things that I do for bread.
- Not gold. Affection. Friendship.
The strong mutual bond of the round
table. We are the spirits of the dead...
...creatures treading the river Styx.
- I'm here. Doesn't that prove my fealty?
- Doesn't that satisfy you?
- I accept your fealty and nobly return it...
...and beseech you to get thine ass
in gear and garb your angry loins.
Okay. Okay.
- It is I, Superwoman.
- Far out, Z-Man.
Not Z-Man, Superwoman.
It bodes nothing unless you're serious.
- Come now, let us seek Jungle Lad.
- Hey, rube, it's your party. Let's do it.
Marvelous. It displays you
to such magnificent advantage.
Let's not be jealous, Z-Man.
I don't feel so well.
Only the wine going to your head,
taking those wicked herbs with it.
- What?
- Ancient potion by Merlin the magician.
Just add one part peyote
and some other benign goodies.
- It's used in all the best rituals.
- It's only a small dose, Casey.
You know how Z-Man is.
I mean, Superwoman.
Listen, I'll watch out for you.
No more words, I pray you.
Let the games begin.
Roxanne?
Will you watch out for me?
- Jungle Lad.
- Ronnie...
...I am really ripped. Cool it.
- Ronnie? Nay, nay. Superwoman.
- Okay.
Okay, Superwoman. Whatever.
Oh, am I flashing.
I gotta get my head together.
Maybe some of that sauce.
Jungle Lad, is it not sufficient
just to be here locked in embrace...
...in the arms of she
who is every man's dream?
Who are you to reject Superwoman?
Why do you react so strangely
in the embrace...
...of the embodiment of carnal desire?
"Carnal desire" my ass.
I, who have never before been spurned.
Superwoman.
You wanna know something?
You're right.
You wanna know something else?
I'm gonna take a downer and crash.
You varlet. You serf.
You buggering knave.
How dare you cast aside
my alabaster charms...
...my capacious love,
my undying troth.
Yes, I vow it.
Ere this night does wane...
...you will drink the black sperm
of my vengeance!
How now, Jungle Lad?
Why so helpless? And why so frail?
Where is your much vaunted
muscular prowess?
I don't know your story.
And I don't wanna know it.
All I know is, these goddamn ropes
are cutting my wrists...
...and I want out now!
- Growl, vassal.
You spoil Superwoman's sport
when you whine and succor me.
Jungle Lad should be silent and mighty,
not a groveling ant...
...creeping across the melodious moat.
Besides, methinks you miss the point.
You are doing what I want...
...exactly what I demand, sir.
At last the king of the jungle
comes under the imperious rule...
...of she who is unconquerable:
Superwoman.
How it excites me, your legendary
strength rendered impotent...
...as you grovel before
the greatest superhero of all time.
The man's out of his gourd.
Methinks you remind me
of certain things.
Don't move, you churl.
Don't move a single muscle
of that finely fleshed body.
You're a freak, Barzell.
You're a stone freak!
I'll get you back in spades, Barzell!
I'll get you, you mother!
The vorpal blade goes snicker-snack!
Yes, Jungle Lad...
...meet my friend Excalibur,
mightiest sword of all time.
Forged by Woden, the god of time,
legendary blade of King Arthur.
Hurled into the lake,
it sprang forth again, shining and pure.
But now, now it is wielded by she
who will eclipse all their deeds...
...Arthur, Lancelot and even mighty
Coeur de Lion. Superwoman!
Listen, Ronnie. See, this whole thing
has been a big game.
Right? A big put on.
We've been putting each other on, man!
The trouble is, you think it's for real,
but it's not.
Now, we're friends, aren't we?
Remember, Z-Man? Put the sword away.
Come on, Z-Man, put it away.
You don't need it.
Yeah.
Z-Man? There is no Z-Man, varlet.
And indeed, it is not a game we play.
I am Superwoman!
Oh, my God. No.
You've been a broad all along.
Right, Barzell? A goddamn broad!
A goddamn ugly broad, Barzell!
An ugly broad!
No, Ronnie! No!
Oh, God!
You beg for mercy...
...while the cries of 6,000,000 innocent
still ring in your ears?
They are waiting for you.
So without the Boy Wonder,
my sylph-like friend?
- Man, this game's fixed.
- Objection. Objection.
- It's your dime.
- Help me. I'm at Ronnie's...
...and he's flipped out.
He's killing everybody!
- Calm down. Z-Man's killing what?
- Casey, what's wrong?
He's killing everybody!
Please, call the police.
Why turn away from Superwoman,
greatest law enforcer of them all.
- Hang on, Casey. We'll be right there.
- What's happening?
Casey needs help. Let's go.
Stay here. I'm going around the back.
- Come on, Pet. Let's go.
- Help me out of here.
She's dead!
Casey. She's dead.
He killed her!
And there's someone else inside...
...but I don't know who it is.
The head is missing!
Oh, my God!
- Kelly?
- Harris! Harris, are you hurt?
My toes...
I can feel my legs!
God!
- Oh, Harris, you can walk.
- Kelly. Oh, Kelly.
The act of death has caused
another life to be reborn.
Together, we share the wonder
of human existence.
And let there be no doubt
that all of us are brothers.
There can be no beginning or ending that
does in some way not touch another.
For our actions affect the lives
and destinies of the many.
Z-Man: He forgot that life
has many levels...
...and by choosing to live on only one,
lost sight of reality.
Ashley: Men were toys
for her amusement.
Her total disregard for their feelings
made love a stranger to her.
Lance Rocke:
He never gave of himself.
Those who only take must be prepared
to pay the highest price of all.
Porter Hall used his profession
to mask selfish interests...
...to betray the trust
that should have been sacred.
Susan Lake: Perhaps too pure.
Excessive goodness can often blind us...
...to the human failings
of those less perfect.
Emerson found that something
as precious as love...
...brings with it a demand
for greater understanding.
Casey and Roxanne:
Light and shadow.
Theirs was not an evil relationship.
But evil did come because of it.
Otto:
An end to Martin Bormann?
Harris: He forgot that yesterday
is only for remembering.
Those who choose to live there
lose sight of tomorrow.
Pet's mistake: A fleeting thing,
born of emotion...
...yet it almost ruined the lives
of two others.
Randy's body: A cage for an animal.
It lifted him to the top of his field...
...but in the end,
the beast almost killed him.
And Kelly?
Her selfish involvement...
...so ready to turn her back on
friendship. The road back is painful.
But by her pain,
she will never again forget.
You must each decide
what your life will be.
You must always know that a hand
extended to your fellow man...
...is a gesture of love.
Love that asks nothing, expects nothing.
It is simply there.
And if love is in you,
then gentle will be all your steps...
...as you walk beyond this valley.
They always said there'd be
a first time for everything.
And this is certainly
our first triple-ceremony.
Just a second, folks.
It's Porter Hall.
And now, we shall begin.