(SINGING) Yeah
It's a classic, baby
I've been all over the world, but you know
Told ya There's nothing I wouldn't do for ya
I hope you don't mind that I show ya
I want the whole world to know ya
'Cause wakin' up here in the mornin'
got me movin' soon as I'm yawnin'
I'm ready to rise and grind and
shine for socializin', enterprisin'
On my mind is glory So somebody tell my story
You people might think that it's
borin' But don't you ignore me
You treated me oh, so well In particular the ATL
And whenever you wanna see me
Hey, it's easy, you can meet me
I'm on Fleet Street, come on
(TIRES SCREECHING)
(SIREN WAILING)
(ON SPEAKER) FBI! Pull over, now!
You want to go?
No! You will not get your mail till I get to your house.
Don't make me use the PIT maneuver.
I will get to your house when I get to your house!
(SCREAMING)
Get out of the truck.
Put your hands in the air.
What is wrong with you? You
could've stopped back there.
You made me have to chase you, man.
Please, God, let someone be taping this in the bushes.
Just give me what I want. Whoa, whoa.
That's a federal offense, all right?
Only the mailman touches the mail.
You do realize I'm packing, don't you?
(EXCLAIMS) Yeah.
I could pop one in your ass!
Okay. All right, all right. Just relax.
Do I gotta pop one?
Chill-ax. Okay?
I got your mail right here.
Capital One credit card with no
introductory interest rate.
No. No.
Okay. Fair enough.
Steam Clean Carpet Service.
No. Okay, true dat, true dat.
Duke University! Boo-ya!
(LAUGHS)
Come here! Come here!
(SCREAMING) Come here!
Come here! Come here! I'm warning you.
I know it's college decision day,
but you win the crazy parent award!
Thick. Thick, thick.
My boy got in. My boy got in!
Thank you.
Hey!
Don't be surprised when I lose your tax refund!
(TOOTING CAR HORN)
Hey! Trent!
Trent!
You up there?
Whoo! Trent, you're on your way.
(DIALING MOBILE PHONE)
MALE RECEPTIONIST: Desert Retreat.
Hi.
I need to speak to my wife, Sherrie.
I'm sorry, no phone calls allowed.
Yeah, well, I know no phone calls allowed,
but, you see, it's an emergency.
Our son just got accepted...
Sir, your wife is in complete isolation
for the next 72 hours.
Come on. It's a mind-body retreat.
It's not Area 51.
Uh-oh! Please take a soothing breath with me.
No, I will not take a soothing breath with you.
Namaste. But I can come down there
and snatch that ponytail off your head.
Namaste. (MOBILE PHONE RINGING)
(STAMMERS)
(IN SING-SONG) Duke University.
CANETTI: What? Malcolm?
Speaking.
It's Jason Bourne.
I told you, we don't use code names.
You take all the fun away, Chocolate
Thunder, you know that?
All right. What do you want, Nicky?
The exchange is tonight, 11 :00 p.m.
You got what they want?
Yeah, as long as you got what I want.
And listen, I'm thinking now Bali.
Well, you know, there's no witness
protection program in Bali.
But don't worry, we're gonna take care of you.
All right, then Mexico. But not Cabo!
It's gotten way too touristy.
(MOBILE PHONE RINGING)
Hello? Chocolate?
(CROWD CHEERING ON PHONE)
Trent! Hey, Malcolm.
Where are you?
I'm, uh... I'm at the library.
Library. Yeah.
But it's noisy.
It's Book Appreciation Day.
But look. Trent, we need to talk, all right?
So, come home soon. We got to talk.
Uh, I'm losing you. All right.
(HIP-HOP BEAT PLAYING)
CROWD: Yeah!
(RAPPING) I'm a lyrical miracle
ALL: Hey! Baby!
Quick-witted, better get with it, stay sick with it
They saying I'm a lyrical miracle
Hey! Baby
I'm automatic, a rap fanatic Let me do my thing
This is how I do it Fluid, every time I ride by
I'm so incredible They're forgettable, bye-bye
You know my name If you didn't
hear it, then here it go
I be that lyrical miracle with the witty flow
Looking at that shorty, she's
a cutie What's your name?
Baby, you should call me I can
scoop you and we can hang
Okay, if not, then I ain't twisting your arm
But don't be trying to holler at
me when you're singing along
I'm a lyrical miracle
Hey! Baby
Quick-witted, better get with it, stay sick with it
They saying I'm a lyrical miracle
Hey! Baby
I'm automatic, a rap fanatic Let me do my thing
(MUSIC STOPS)
(CROWD MURMURING IN DISAPPOINTMENT)
Hey, y'all, the Prodi-G's a little parched.
I'll be back for a second set, a'ight?
(CROWD GRUMBLING)
Library? How'd you find me?
The Bureau tracked your phone.
Thank God my dad's an orthodontist.
For real. That's some Nazi Germany shnizzle.
Let's talk, now. Uh-uh.
Scratch and Rembrandt are my family.
Whatever you got to say, you can say in front of them.
(SCOFFS) Oh, family.
Mmm-hmm.
Ah. All right, well, in my family,
we give out ass-whuppins.
And right now, I'm looking at a
lot of fresh, unwhupped ass!
Yeah. A little... (GRUNTS) This little...
You have a great day, Mr. Turner!
Hey, Trent, we love you, but
I ain't with no ass-whuppin'.
Yo, hold it down. Sell some CDs!
Okay.
Why'd you embarrass me like that?
I'm embarrassing you?
Trent, you got a lot to learn.
Come on, Malcolm.
You know, it wouldn't hurt to call
me "Dad" every once in a while.
All right, let's rewind. This should
be a happy day. All right?
Yeah, but I ain't the one who brought the rain.
Some great news came in.
I know. They called me.
Yeah, I'm just like, wait till they hear my new stuff.
Right? I'm talking about fire, man!
New stuff? What are you talking about?
Wait. What are you talking about?
I'm talking about Duke!
Oh. No, look, forget college, man.
So check this out. This promoter
got a hold of my mix tape.
The Achievement, Volume One. Right?
So, he's putting together this tour of
young MCs in the fall and the winter
called The Freshman Class, right?
Entire East Coast and Cincinnati!
Trent. People don't go to Cincinnati.
They leave Cincinnati.
The only catch is
(SIGHS) I'm not 18 yet,
so I'm gonna need you to sign this contract.
Because the Prodi-G is still a minor.
In age only.
Whoa. Whoa. Whoa.
You got into Duke today. You're a Blue Devil now!
So? So that's your dream!
No, that's your dream.
I ain't going to no lame college
when I can be on the road, making money!
I ain't signing that contract.
You gotta give it a rest.
I'm just saying, this is my big break, man!
And if I don't have the contract signed in five days,
they're gonna have some wack
ringtone rapper from St. Louis.
Trent, you have the rest of your life to go on the road.
But for these next four years...
Four years?
(LAUGHS) You're joking, right? You're joking.
Like, you know how long that is in hip-hop years?
Aw, come on, Malcolm, look at this. Look.
It's a blueprint for a house of success.
All built on a strong, strong flow.
A strong flow. Yeah.
Well, you need an education.
What are you gonna do when that flow dries up?
I'll just transition into acting.
Oh, man. Every time you open your mouth,
you prove to me just how important
an education really is.
You're lucky your mother's not here
to hear you talk that crazy talk.
Oh, Mom. Let's call Mom. She'll
let me. Let's ring Mom up.
Go ahead, call her.
When you tell her that you want to throw away college,
she's probably gonna bust that
little vein in her forehead.
It's gonna pop!
Yeah... (IMITATING POPPING)
Okay. But not when she sees the
mansion I'm gonna buy her.
Ha! Come on.
Only thing I'm signing is a check to Duke. End of story.
Now if you'll excuse me, I've gotta go to work.
You know, some of us work.
I'm on the grind. You feel me?
I feel you.
You feel me? Yeah, I feel you.
(IMITATING HIP-HOP BEAT)
You feel? Yeah.
But I'm talking swimming pools.
You feeling private security.
Come on, we can do it together, Malcolm!
Damn!
(MOBILE PHONE RINGING)
REMBRANDT: Trent. What's up, man?
Hey, did he sign it?
No, he didn't sign it yet.
All right, so phase two. Ambush
the man when he's at his grind.
He'll give you an autograph just to get rid of you.
Yeah. Ambush him at his grind. I'm feeling you.
That's right!
See? That's why I keep you on payroll.
Hands away from your chest. You're
gonna dirty the recording.
Sorry. You got the drive, right?
Yeah.
There's nothing on this.
Smart, huh?
Are you kidding me? No.
It's insurance.
'Cause I was thinking, what if they
don't give me the money?
What if they check the drive, just like I did?
Oh.
Well, the real one's hidden.
It's in a safe place where no one will
ever look, so don't worry about it.
You idiot. Where is it?
Where's my witness protection plan?
It's gonna be in a casket if you
don't tell me where it is.
All right.
The Georgia Girls School for the Arts.
What?
I got a buddy who works there.
Unbelievable!
(DIALING MOBILE PHONE)
Crawford. Yeah, Malcolm.
(SIGHS) Canetti brought a dummy flash.
Yeah, well, he told me where the
real one is, but there's no time.
We're just gonna have to get Chirkoff
to make the exchange. Yeah.
All right.
Hey. Let's go.
Canetti, can you hear me?
Yeah, I got you, Chocolate. Go ahead.
Look, if anything goes wrong, get out of there.
Hey, fellas. Vlad and Dmitri, right?
Mr. Chirkoff.
Hey, it's good to see you again.
(SPEAKING RUSSIAN)
(CHUCKLES) Rosetta Stone. Pretty good, huh?
Whoa, whoa! It's the Prodi-G!
Trent, what the hell are you doing here?
Guaranteeing my future. Sign my contract.
Hey, get in here and sit down! Stay down!
You think I'm stupid, huh? You think I'm a stupid man.
No, I think you're probably a very intelligent man.
I mean, I don't know you that well.
Autograph it, please. (SHUSHES)
I'm not talking to you.
Who are you talking to?
I'm talking to the people on
the other end of your chest.
Oh, this? There's nobody there, man.
This is part of my hearing aid.
Get out of the car and hide, now.
What's going on?
Get out of the car and hide, now! What's going on?
I'm a little hard of hearing in my right ear.
Really? Show me. Yeah.
I can't show you. It's... Show me!
All right. Take it easy. Take it easy.
I'll show you everything.
FBI! Come and get your snitch!
You want to come and play?
Drop it.
Drop it!
All right. Give me Canetti, or I take him out.
(FIRES GUN)
(WEAKLY) Music...
What?
It's in the music...
(GUNSHOT)
(MOBILE PHONE RINGING)
(PANTING) Yo. Look...
I didn't see anything. Yo, we cool?
Come on, man! Come on!
Come on. (EXCLAIMS)
Oh, my God, they're shooting! Where are we going?
Get in the truck. Okay, okay!
TRENT: Oh, my God!
Get down!
Are you okay?
(PANTING) I think so.
Do you have any idea how lucky we are right now?
You could have been killed! What were you thinking?
(STAMMERING) He just shot
that guy right in front of me.
We're still here, all right? That's what matters.
Shouldn't we call the FBI or something?
No. FBI has got a leak. Chirkoff knew we were coming.
Malcolm, I want to go home, man.
Trent. Your car's back there.
They probably already ran your tags.
They know everything about us.
You just saw Chirkoff murder someone.
We can't go home. So, what, then?
That means he's gonna kill me?
Oh, come on! That is not hot.
I won't let him. All right? All I got
to do is get that flash drive.
It has enough dirt on Chirkoff to put him away forever.
Payoff, hits, everything.
Canetti told me where the flash is hidden.
We're just gonna lay low until I can get my hands on it.
Just calm down, all right? Relax.
Take a soothing breath.
They haven't called in yet and you
have no idea where they are.
You're the FBI!
What good is a leak if you can't tell me anything?
Just send me the photo.
How's the leg, boss? The leg's fine!
The FBI's run travel records, rental cars. Nothing.
They haven't left the area, at least not yet.
What about the flash drive?
Turner knows where it is.
We find Turner, we find the flash drive.
Right now, our biggest problem's his kid.
He saw me shoot Canetti.
I want him dead.
I got 15 MP3s of original stuff that ain't been mixed.
You can have that.
Georgia Girls School for the Arts.
You know what, just do like Pac's mom did.
After I'm shot down in the streets,
just release it as a double jam.
Would you knock off the crazy talk?
We gonna get out of this.
Yeah. That's probably what Biggie thought
when he was staring down the barrel.
Or Pac, when he was chilling on the Strip.
I got a plan.
You know what? Malcolm,
just promise me one thing.
What?
Don't let them do a clean version for Walmart.
Preserve who the Prodi-G was.
I'm going to hide you.
Hide?
I mean, come on. How you gonna
hide a swag as big as this?
(RAP MUSIC PLAYING)
I'm gonna need a shrink after this, you realize that?
You didn't seem to mind when you was little and
I caught you trying on your mother's...
Shh!
You promised never to bring that
up. I was putting on a play.
(IN WOMANLY VOICE) Lord, Lord!
You a difficult child, Charmaine Daisy Pierce.
Who are you talking about?
(IN NORMAL VOICE) My great-niece.
And you better start sounding like her
before you scare someone.
Oh, right. (CHUCKLES)
In that case, how's this?
(SINGING IN LOW VOICE) Swing low, sweet...
(SQUEALING)
(IN HIGH-PITCHED VOICE) Holy mother of...
Yeah. Yeah, right there. Now remember that feeling.
Fine! If I gotta be a chick, can I at least be a cute one?
Next time I'll buy my own damn clothes!
(IN WOMANLY VOICE) And pull down that skirt!
I can see straight to the Promised Land.
It's pulled down!
After a while, you realize it's just not worth the fight.
I wasn't even talking to you.
Nosy and all in my business!
Wait up!
(WOMAN SINGING) You think you might
have a chance I don't think so
You telling me to be nice I don't think so
You wanna get in my pants I don't think so
(TRENT GRUNTING)
I don't think so
I don't understand
how we're gonna find a 4-inch
flash drive in 3-inch heels.
Canetti had a buddy who works here.
We start by finding out who that
is, and what they know.
Canetti.
Canetti, yeah.
Canetti said something to me right before he died.
He looked at me and he said...
What'd he say?
"It's in the music."
Yeah. You know, something like that.
And I thought he recognized my talent,
knew who the Prodi-G was.
"It's in the music"? Yeah.
Doesn't make sense,
just like everything else that comes out of your mouth.
What? I'm gonna tell you what don't make sense.
How they gonna let two fat ladies
go poking around this joint.
They have an opening for a house mother.
(IN GIRLISH VOICE) Say what?
(IN WOMANLY VOICE) Park your tush.
Tuck it! Right over there.
Hi, girl. Hi. Hi.
Hi.
She's expecting me. I's running a little late.
GAIL: Come in!
May I help you?
Honey, it's me who's gonna help you,
and those poor, house motherless girls you got
just waiting for a positive role model.
Hattie Mae Pierce at your service,
but you can call me Big Momma.
Oh, yes. You e-mailed your rsum
for the house mother position.
Very qualified, but I think...
Well, thank you!
I will watch over those girls like they were my own.
But, Miss...
Big Momma, we haven't scheduled
any interviews, let alone...
(WHIMPERING)
Look at what those children did to me!
Performance art, my ass!
Beverly, what on earth?
Double-ply? A public school can afford double-ply
and I got to bring in my own Sweet'N Low?
Child, nobody deserves to be treated like that.
That's not the half!
Damn!
Child, you should quit while you
can still do a comb over.
No, Beverly, you promised us two weeks' notice.
You know, every day you don't demand
respect, you die just a little.
You die a little.
You know, she's right. Nothing's worth
living with those demon spawn!
"No child left behind."
Well, you watch me. I quit!
Can you start today?
Me? Oh, thank you! Sure!
Now, we don't pay very much.
Oh, don't worry about that.
Shoot, I grew up so poor,
we used to go down to Kentucky Fried Chicken
and lick other people's fingers.
Because we couldn't afford the chicken.
And you know, all the grease from
the chicken, we were like...
You know, there is one tiny little issue.
What's that?
Hey. What up?
Miss Gail, this is my great-niece,
Charmaine Daisy Pierce.
Hello. Hey.
So many girls! I feel like I'm at a Baskin-Robbins.
A festival of flavors!
(CLEARS THROAT) I mean, um, it's so diverse here.
Ah, yes. Well, we do pride ourselves on diversity.
So tell me, Charmaine, do you think
that you're a good fit for GGSA?
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Mmm-hmm. I like to read.
And, uh, I like to, uh,
play music.
And I like salad.
Sweet, delicious, fresh fruit salad.
She's had a stressful few days.
She's only with me because of some family problems.
Mmm-hmm. My parents don't support my art.
They think it's a waste of time.
Oh, dear, that is awful. Well, you
have come to the right place.
And my stepfather's always working.
He has an important job in the government.
Which he uses to spy on me.
Ever told the truth, wouldn't have to.
Charmaine, you can audit classes
until your transcripts get here,
but I'm afraid, since it's the end of the year,
we don't have a roommate for you.
Oh, any ol' girl will do.
Oh, no. We don't want to put you out.
Charmaine'll just stay with her Big Momma.
But my shrink in juvie said I'd do better
with a role model my own age.
You'll be on the same floor as your peers.
Before you know it, you'll be bosom buddies.
(GASPS) Charmaine likes the sound of that!
GAIL: Welcome to your new home.
I'll just show you to your room.
Some of the girls have gone to dinner,
so you'll just see them there.
Okay.
Oh, there's Mia! Mia.
(GASPS) Damn!
Mia, this is your new house mother, Big Momma,
and this is her niece, Charmaine, your new classmate.
Hi.
Mia is a very promising young actress.
Oh, I'm okay. I mean, I can do light
comedy, like Sandra Bullock.
Well, you know, before the Oscar.
But I really need to work on expanding my range,
in the way that Kate Winslet does.
And Mrs. Orth from Movement says that
I need to listen to my inner voice,
but there's just so many of them,
and the loudest one's always screaming,
"Delant's pulling away!"
My God! Delant's pulling away.
I think I should go now.
Girl, you need a hug!
She gets a little emotional. Who the hell is Delant?
Delant is the boyfriend.
Oh.
Gail, maybe we should freshen up before dinner.
All this transition is a bit much for Charmaine.
She should probably rest her eyes
or become unconscious for a moment or two.
I totally understand. Your room
is at the end of the hall.
Well, look at the wallpaper! It's so nice!
Look. There's a ballerina on the bed.
I'm Jasmine.
And here's the 411 you probably
didn't get on your tour.
I call the shots around here.
So, if you two stay out of the way,
we shouldn't have any problems.
Okay?
Now you listen to me, Tinker Bell.
Big Momma don't take orders from nobody.
Nobody.
We'll see about that.
Towel girl was nice.
I'm going to unpack.
You mind? Do you mind?
Ooh. Sit down with such lovely young ladies.
(GRUNTING)
(EXHALING)
Excuse me.
Charmaine!
Find a seat.
Sit next to me.
Oh! All right.
Thank you. Excuse me.
Ooh! Careful. Oh, my gosh. Here,
let me help clean you up.
TRENT: It's cool.
I'm Haley Robinson.
Hey!
(STAMMERING) You're...
(IN NORMAL VOICE) You're the hot
girl from the Promenade. Yeah.
I'm sorry?
(CLEARS THROAT) I mean, you're not hot.
(STUTTERING) The Promenade
was hot the day I saw you.
I'm not saying you're not hot,
but it was hot at the Promenade
the day I saw you being hot.
Girl, I'm hot.
I'm Charmaine.
You're funny.
(CLEARING THROAT)
(SINGING CLANKING SYLLABLES)
I love that beat.
That's it. Excuse me, but I didn't
formally get to introduce myself.
My name is Hattie Mae Pierce, but
everyone calls me Big Momma.
That's the understatement of the century.
(GIRLS CHUCKLING)
Funny. Very funny.
And this is my niece, Charmaine Daisy Pierce.
Oh.
Hey. How you guys doing?
Mmm, that reminds me. You have
to do something before you eat.
Oh, girl, of course! Uh...
Attention, everyone! Give...
We have fresh meat that wants to eat.
And what kind of school is this?
ALL: School for the Arts!
Exactly. And that means every new student
must dance, act or sing for their supper.
(ALL AGREEING)
What'll it be, Charmaine?
What's your talent?
(CHANTING) Show us what you got.
Show us what you got.
ALL: Show us what you got. Show us what you got.
(STAMMERING) Charmaine...
Quiet! Quiet!
(CHANTING STOPS)
Anyway, Charmaine is a little
under the weather right now.
Maybe she could do it another night.
Oh, no, it's all right, Big Momma. I got this.
So what'll it be, Charmaine?
Huh. I'm a rapper.
I can't wait to see this.
Hey, could somebody give me a beat?
(BEATBOXING) Yeah.
(RAPPING) What
(GRUNTS)
Yeah
All my girls in the spot You know what's up
Just chillin' in the caf For some laughs and stuff
Ready to do my thing Y'all ready or what?
Show your girl some love Hah... Yeah... What...
(BEATBOXING STOPS)
(GIRLS MURMURING)
Hello? All girls school?
Give your girl some love.
(REPEATING RIFFS)
Don't wanna give it up? Yeah, I'm cool with that
That's fine Besides, who knew I could rap?
I got skills, thrills plus a winning attitude
I got no time for no wack dudes
You don't even know what I got under here
If you feel the same way Let me
hear you say, "Hell, yeah!"
ALL: Hell, yeah!
(SINGING) Oh, oh, oh, ohhh!
Ain't nobody
Loves me better Makes me happy
Makes me feel this way
Ain't nobody
Loves me better than you
Yeah My girl Haley is the truth
And even though I'm new, she
done made it real smooth
It's kind of hard being new on the block
Especially when you're packin' a supersized
Badonkadonk!
HALEY: Whoa
Ain't nobody
Loves me better
Makes me happy
Makes me feel this way
Ain't nobody
Loves me better than you
Yo, Haley, get up on the mic
Keep talking about the guy you like
First you put your arms around me
Then what else did he do, girl?
Then you put your charms around me
TRENT: Okay Do you think he'd be true?
I can't resist your sweet surrender
Sounds like a good deal to me
Oh, my nights are warm and tender
Come on! Everybody sing!
ALL: Ain't nobody
Loves me better
Makes me happy
Makes me feel this way
Ain't nobody Loves me better
Makes me happy Makes me feel this way
Ain't nobody Loves me better
Come on, Big Momma, show us what you got!
ALL: Go, Momma! Go, Momma!
Go, Momma! Go, Momma!
(GROANING)
Oh, my gosh! Big Momma, are
you okay? Are you alive?
Ain't nobody?
Child? That there is no meal.
I'm on a diet.
Prima ballerinas can't have any booty.
There's a law or something.
(CHUCKLING) Well, she looks so skinny,
it looks like she could dodge raindrops.
Ain't no raindrops going...
Oh, my God!
Mia, what's going on?
Delant just dumped me.
(ALL GASPING) What?
"Need space. Still friends?"
He used the sunglasses guy.
You know what? He's probably just confused.
Yeah, he's afraid of intimacy.
He just doesn't want to get hurt.
You think?
Uh, can't you girls read? A man needs his space.
It says it clearly in black and white.
Duh!
Oh, my God.
Or
he's petrified by his passion
and he, uh, doesn't know how to deal with it.
Girl, the sunglasses guy means that
he's hiding his true emotions.
Mmm-hmm. He loves you, girl.
GIRL: Exactly.
Child, like my Aunt Yorima used to say,
it's better to be alone with yourself
for the rest of your life
than to be together with bad company for a minute.
I'm going to be alone for the rest of my life?
Child, I did not say that.
No, Mia, don't listen to her.
Oh, my God, I can't do this!
(ALL CONSOLING)
I was trying to give her...
Great job, Big Momma.
Any other hearts you want to break?
(GROWLING)
GAIL: Ladies, quiet down, please!
Thank you. I have an announcement.
Last night, an antique music box was stolen
from our library's special collection.
Now, I know we have a tradition of pranks.
But this is not stealing the mascot
from the boys at St. Ignatius.
Which is still missing, by the way.
No, this is a crime
against one of our own, which will not be tolerated!
So I strongly suggest that the guilty party,
or anyone who knows anything
about this, come forward
or risk immediate expulsion.
The music box. That's what Canetti
was trying to tell you.
What do you mean?
The flash drive's in the music box!
Oh, right, right.
Come on. We're going to the library.
That's where it was stolen.
(SIGHS) I just... Where are you going?
These shoes! They hurt. They're heels.
And this girdle's riding up all inside me. I can't do it.
All right, but stay in your room
and away from those girls.
All right.
Mmm, I gotta take a leak.
(EXCLAIMS IN FRUSTRATION)
Ah, man.
This thing is so tight!
(GRUNTING)
(URINATING)
Free at last, free at last.
(KNOCKING ON DOOR)
Yeah?
Charmaine?
(URINATING STOPS)
(IN GIRLISH VOICE) Um...
I'll be out in a second!
(TRICKLING)
Give me...
(GRUNTING)
Um, are you all right in there?
Yeah!
I'm okay!
(STAMMERING) I'll be out there in a minute!
Hey...
Damn. I mean...
Hey, Haley.
Um...
I hope I'm not being too personal,
but have you tried Spanx?
Spanx?
You know, body shapers.
You know, they give you the smoothing
without the, um, extra padding.
Oh, really?
(LAUGHING)
That extra padding! (GIGGLES)
Anyway, they're having a thing for me
in the common room in about 15 minutes.
I'd love you to come.
How nice of you. That'd be great.
Great. So, I'll see you in a few.
All right.
And wear your PJs. We go comfy.
You certainly do.
(WILD THING BY TONE-LOC PLAYING)
Excuse me!
Excuse me! (TURNS OFF STEREO)
My, my, my.
Ooh, Lord.
My, my, my!
I'm peeping one fly Zulu queen! Mmm!
Well, the name is Hattie Mae Pierce,
but everybody calls me Big Momma.
Well, I'm Kurtis Kool. I make the ladies drool.
Well, that's nice, but I'm gonna
keep my saliva in my mouth.
Well, back in the day, I used to
run the ropes for Run-DMC.
You probably recognize me from
my appearance in Krush Groove.
I was the brother with the dope
shammy in the car wash.
I had no lines, but I was good. No?
My last tour was with LL Cool J.
Mmm. Mmm-hmm.
In the words of the great master,
"Mama said knock you out!"
(SINGING INDISTINCTLY)
Young man.
I am a woman with grandchildren.
Now, I'm the new house mother over in Pryce Hall.
And I'm just trying to get a lay of the land.
I was wondering
if I could get a peek around the library.
Well, Kurtis Kool be your backstage pass!
Kurtis Kool!
Let me get my key.
(BOTH CHUCKLING)
Well, all right. Shed a little light.
You know, my momma said big-legged
women were gonna kill me.
(LAUGHING)
Found my keys!
You ready to go? Yeah. This way?
Uh-huh.
Halle Berry ain't got shit on you!
(POP MUSIC PLAYING)
(ALL CHATTERING)
Hello.
Oh, Lord, I must be in heaven.
Who invited America's sexiest buffalo?
I invited her.
Be nice.
Oh, no.
What are we doing, sacrificing an animal or something?
JASMINE: We are the Divas.
The senior society of GGSA's best artists.
This is our inner sanctum.
TRENT: Oh.
Can we trust her not to narc us out?
I ain't no narc.
That's what a narc would say.
That's true. Good point.
Good point? Girl, (SCOFFS)
let me tell you something about
Charmaine Daisy Pierce.
My ex-boyfriend, right?
Marlo.
Doing a bid in Lompoc. Dealing.
Po-po dragged me in on a trumped-up conspiracy case.
Said if I testified against him, I could walk.
Know what I did?
ALL: What?
Spent my 1 5th birthday in juvie.
(ALL EXCLAIMING SYMPATHETICALLY)
My birthday cake was four lit matches in a Twinkie.
(ALL EXCLAIMING)
Oh, my God. How awful!
Okay, everyone. We are assembled tonight
to welcome our newest Diva.
Haley Robinson.
Stand up.
This necklace is a commitment.
A commitment to your life as an artist.
That you will never give up on your friends or your art.
Do you accept? I do.
Turn around.
Done.
Congratulations. You're a Diva.
Uh, Jasmine? Where is your necklace?
I'm getting the clasp fixed.
Oh.
ISABELLE: Welcome to the Divas.
"The Inaugural Class Music Box."
Yeah, the first graduating class gifted it to the school.
You open it, it'd play the school song.
Not really worth much, but it's sentimental.
Well, I can't imagine why anyone
would want to steal it.
Unless it had something valuable inside.
I doubt it. It's been there for so long.
But between you, me and the Kool,
I think the girls lifted it.
You sure?
Look, the other night, I'm wiping
down the reference room,
I hear the girls sneaking in, giggling.
I look in there, they peaced out.
And so is the music box.
Hmm.
I saw a picture of a man in your office.
He looked familiar.
My fishing buddy, Tony.
You probably read about it in the newspaper.
Anthony Canetti? That's it.
Yeah.
He just left here a couple days ago
for our monthly poker game.
It's a damn shame.
Uh...
(CHUCKLES) These bobby pins don't stay put.
Look here, Big Momma, I got a couple
St. Ides on ice back at the crib.
Oh, no. No, Big Momma's a wine cooler woman.
And she's gotta get back to her girls.
Even a momma bear needs some sugar.
(FIRMLY) I said that's enough, now.
(EXCLAIMS) God, I forgive you for the '90s.
But thank you, Jesus, for now!
Mmm!
(GIRLS CHATTERING)
(GIGGLING)
Yay!
Charmaine? You look like you
have on Big Momma's PJs.
I have something you could try on.
(STAMMERING) Oh, no, no, no, I couldn't.
But, uh, you could try it on for me.
Okay.
I know. Fashion show!
(GIRLS SQUEALING)
Could this get any better?
(SQUEALING)
(HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING ON STEREO)
Okay!
(ALL WHOOPING)
Hey! Oh, you can wear this.
I don't know, I...
(ALL WHOOPING)
(TURNS OFF STEREO)
How entertaining.
Everybody back to their rooms, now!
Oh. And by the way,
until the thief who stole that music box comes forward,
lights out time, 8:00 p.m.
Bounce!
Oh, don't look with the sour faces. Let's go!
Don't you eyeball me, girl.
You just go on.
Don't corner-eye me!
We was bouncing it out.
You was bouncing it... (EXCLAIMS)
"Ten Ways to Snag a Guy"? That'll never work.
(SCOFFS)
What's wrong with you? I told you
to stay away from those girls.
I was doing some undercover
work. Getting information.
Undercover. Yeah, well, that explains
you lounging in lingerie.
I was doing what girls do, okay?
Look, you gotta see the genius of my plan.
(SCOFFING)
Your plan? Yeah.
These girls, they're starting to think I'm on their side.
Right.
The Divas are never gonna talk to you.
Not the way you run the house. Look.
You think the Jackson 5 gave
Papa Joe information? No.
Janet had all the dirt. And I'm their Janet!
Wait. Who the hell are the Divas?
Seriously? Yeah.
The most popular girls in school!
They're the best artists. They run this place.
Oh, you need me. (CHUCKLES)
Trust me, I'm a seasoned FBI agent.
I've infiltrated tougher circles than
a posse of gossipy teenage girls.
So how about you stick to the hiding
and I'll stick to the undercover work?
(IN GIRLISH VOICE) Whatever.
(IN NORMAL VOICE) I was just trying to help.
Please, do me a favor. Don't help.
Whatever!
Where'd you find Jasmine's necklace?
How'd you know this was Jasmine's?
Oh. (LAUGHS)
You don't need me.
You've infiltrated tougher circles than
a posse of gossipy teenage girls.
Okay, fine.
I might be able to use your help.
If I help you, you got to help me.
Help you what?
You've got to sign my contract.
How about I think about it? (SCOFFS)
How about I go back to reading my Cosmo?
Fine.
Nothing.
Just hundreds of these.
(LYRICAL MIRACLE PLAYING)
Not bad.
Turn it off, you idiot.
(TURNS OFF STEREO)
Let's go.
I know how to find them.
MALCOLM: Charmaine, you're late
for class. Now get to ballet.
INSTRUCTOR: Demi pli.
(PIANO PLAYING BALLET MUSIC)
Knees over the toes.
(GROANS)
Chest up.
Shoulders back.
Out.
And grand pli!
(EXCLAIMING IN DISCOMFORT)
And up.
I can't.
Oh! (PIANO STOPS)
Let's get into groups for the routine.
Jasmine, head up.
(MANIAC FROM FLASHDANCE PLAYING)
(INSTRUCTOR COUNTING)
(MAN SINGING) Just a steel town
girl on a Saturday night
Looking for the fight of her life
She has danced into the danger zone
Get in line!
Stretch.
When the dancer becomes the dance
(EXCLAIMING IN PAIN)
Are you okay?
One, two, three, four, five, six...
On the wire between will and what will be
(PANTING)
Whoo! Sweet Jesus.
Charmaine, go.
Uh-uh.
Go!
She's a maniac, maniac...
Slow down.
GIRL: Watch out!
(SCREAMING)
(GROANING)
Now I know why they call it The Nutcracker.
I was twirling.
CHIRKOFF: Have you seen this guy?
BOTH: No.
I'm looking for this Prodi-G. Have you seen him?
I'm a record producer. I'm very
interested in talking to him.
Oh, for realsie? You're standing before his DJ!
Yeah, and, um, I'm his business partner.
You're not his partner.
You're his hype man. Whatever.
Have you seen him?
MIA since Sunday.
The Prodi-G, he's been known
to go on personal retreats
to exorcise his demons.
Let me give you my card.
If you see him, call me.
Maybe we can all do business.
Most definitely! Business sounds
good, baby. Take care now.
Let me see that card.
TRENT: So, tell me once again.
Why do I have to go to art?
Because you're a student here
and you need to keep up your cover.
This ain't even my type of art.
Oh, shut up!
Oh!
You must be our new student, Charmaine.
Hey!
Just in time for figure day.
Oh! Here's our nude model!
Now, you just disrobe whenever you feel comfortable.
Now that's my type of art!
Oh, no, no! Ain't nobody getting naked!
That'd be shameful.
What on earth do you mean, Big
Momma? This is a fine art class.
We're studying the human form.
Yep. That's right, Big Momma. This is fine art.
And she is mighty fine.
And besides, we're all women here.
(STAMMERS) Well, of course. I know that.
But what you're doing, you know, with
this woman getting naked...
What you're doing is you're reinforcing
a terrible stereotype.
Yeah, um,
are size 12 or bigger!
Really? Yeah!
What with the media images
telling girls that they won't be happy
unless they're a size negative zero,
well, that just distorts our body image!
And causes eating disorders.
And alopecia.
Oh. Yeah.
And no offense, young lady,
but you got a little body and a big-ass head! Yeah.
The circumference on that thing is like...
Oh, don't listen to her!
She's having hot flashes. Go ahead,
girl, show us what you got!
Wait. No.
You know,
I think I agree with Big Momma.
You do? Yes.
We have never once had a full-figured model.
(STAMMERING) It's shameful.
Shameful!
So how about it, Big Momma?
Excuse me?
I think you should be our model.
Amen!
(GIRLS GIGGLING)
(CLEARING THROAT)
Yeah, it's all clear in here.
Pipes are great.
I think you should be our model.
Big Momma don't be getting butt naked for nobody!
Oh, come on. No, I don't get down like that.
You're beautiful!
I know I'm beautiful, but I don't get down like that.
Oh! No.
I need more pastels.
I need a huge canvas.
Excuse me, but shouldn't I be eating some grapes,
or a cheeseburger or something?
You are an inspiration just as you are.
Okay. Class.
It's time for a new pose. Artists, grab a new canvas.
Big Momma?
Oh, okay. Well, um...
How about that one right there?
Very good.
Now, if you'd kindly just drop the sheet.
Say what?
Don't be shy.
Like you said, these girls need role models.
Well, I got a lot of rolls, but they're
not exactly the kind...
Oh, come on, Big Momma, let it all hang out!
(EXCLAIMS) You don't want it to all hang out!
Show us what a real woman looks like!
(ALARM WAILING) Hurry up, it's a fire!
Get out of here! It's a fire!
Girl, your hair's gonna crimp up if it catches on fire.
Yeah, I'm gonna let the students
and staff know the status.
False alarm, ladies! Back to class, back to class!
(EXCITEDLY) Hello,
Big Momma!
(GRUNTS)
Wrapped in that sheet, you look like Aphrodite.
More like the centerfold for Thick and Juicy.
Kurtis Kool, meet my great-niece, Charmaine.
How you doing, Charmaine?
A little tip about Big Momma.
The more she resists, the more she wants you.
With those Beyonc thighs and the Rihanna eyes!
Get it?
GIRLS: Big Momma! Big Momma!
It's Mia. She's saying she's going to kill herself.
What you talking? That's terrible!
I've got to get dressed. Hurry!
Beautiful thing.
Boom shaka-laka-laka! Boom shaka-laka!
It's Kurtis. I'm out front.
HALEY: Charmaine!
Do you have a free period?
Uh, I do now.
Good. Come shopping with me.
Okay. All right.
All right, all right. I had to get
dressed! What is all this...
Ooh!
Blood! Did anyone call 911?
Mia?
Oh, my God.
You told me she was going to kill herself.
I want to die!
You have too much to live for.
Calm down. Tell Big Momma what happened.
We bought hair dye at Walgreens
and the directions were in Spanish.
She takes French.
Child, don't you know cheap
hair dye is like an old man?
It don't last long and it marks up the furniture.
I thought if I looked different,
Delant would fall back in love with me.
You look different, all right.
But now, listen.
He has got to love you for all the
stuff you can't buy in no store.
And if he don't,
then don't change yourself, change your man.
Huh? We feeling the deepness?
Huh? Think about that.
What about my hair?
Oh, well, that's got to go.
Yeah, we're gonna wash that
fella right out of your hair.
Ew, not that.
Definitely not that! (GASPS)
This. Mmm-mmm.
I'm not sure that's me. You know?
I know what's you. Trust me.
Oh, girl, you want this one?
What do you mean? We're sharing.
What are you waiting for? Take your clothes off.
Oh.
(CHUCKLING NERVOUSLY)
Uh, girl, something just came up! I'll be right back.
I'll be right back!
(CRASHING)
Are you okay?
Uh, I'm all right!
(CRASHING CONTINUES)
(TRENT GROANS)
(TIK TOK PLAYING)
(SINGING) Wake up in the morning
feeling like P. Diddy
Grab my glasses, I'm out the
door I'm gonna hit this city
Before I leave Brush my teeth with a bottle of Jack
'Cause when I leave for the night I ain't coming back
I'm talking pedicure on our toes, toes
Trying on all our clothes, clothes
Boys blowing up our phones, phones
Drop-topping Playing our favorite CDs
Pulling up to the parties
Trying to get a little bit tipsy
Don't stop, make it pop DJ, blow my speakers up
Tonight, I'ma fight till we see the sunlight
Tick tock on the clock But the party don't stop, no
Oh, oh, oh Oh, oh, oh
Don't stop, make it pop DJ, blow my speakers up
Tonight, I'ma fight till we see the sunlight
Tick tock on the clock But the party don't stop, no
Oh, oh, oh Oh, oh, oh
Ain't got a care in world but got plenty of beer
Ain't got no money in my pocket But I'm already here
And now the dudes are lining up
'Cause they hear we got swagger
But we kick them to the curb
Unless they look like Mick Jagger
I'm talking about everybody getting crunk, crunk
Boys tryin' to touch my junk, junk
Gonna smack him if he getting too drunk, drunk
Now, now, we go until they kick us out, out
Or the police shut us down, down
Police shut us down
Don't stop, make it pop DJ, blow my speakers up
Tonight, I'ma fight Till we see the sunlight
Tick tock on the clock But the party don't stop, no
Oh, oh, oh Oh, oh, oh
Don't stop, make it pop DJ, blow my speakers up
Tonight, I'ma fight till we see the sunlight
Tick tock on the clock But the party don't stop, no
Oh, oh, oh Oh, oh, oh
With my hands up You got me now
You got that sound Yeah, you got me
You build me up You break me down
My heart, it pounds Yeah, you got me
The party don't start till I walk in
Don't stop, make it pop DJ, blow my speakers up
Tonight, I'ma fight till we see the sunlight
Tick tock on the clock But the party don't stop, no
Oh, oh, oh Oh, oh, oh
Tick tock on the clock But the party don't stop, no
Oh, oh, oh Oh, oh, oh
You've been Momma-fied.
(GIRLS GIGGLING)
(GIRLS EXCLAIMING)
What... Is it not me? Is it too much?
Oh, don't be silly. You just need the final touch.
Get her a chair. Yeah, okay. Grab a seat. I'll get it.
Oh!
There we go.
Vaseline?
God's gift to black people.
Ashy coming out of the bathtub?
Baby's got a diaper rash?
Your hair look like it just took a mug shot?
Just rub it in!
There. Watch me work my magic now.
Voil!
There you go. (CHUCKLES)
You're a genius! Thank you!
I just brought the beauty outside.
Um...
Come over here for a second and let
Big Momma get a talk with you.
Tell me what you know about the missing music box.
You didn't hear this from me, but Jasmine and Isabelle,
I heard them say they're meeting
someone near the library tonight.
With what?
I don't know.
But I heard them say that Isabelle's
gonna bring it in her bag.
You look awesome, girl.
Oh!
Back at you, H-bomb.
Yo, Robinson.
Delant.
Looking fine today, Haley. Yes, she is.
How about we hang out after your big show?
You just broke up with Mia.
Help me heal.
Come on.
IM me if you change your mind.
HALEY: Ugh! Those guys are such tools.
TRENT: Right?
So, you got, like, a boyfriend or anything?
No way.
I'm beginning to think the guy I'm
looking for doesn't really exist.
How about you?
Oh, no, girl.
The guy for me definitely does not exist.
You know what? I think I got somebody
I could hook you up with, girl.
Really? Yep.
Who? He's my cousin.
His name is Trent. Hottie. Buff. Right?
He's our age. Plus, he's like a hip-hop lyrical miracle.
You've probably seen him perform at the Promenade.
He goes by the name of...
The Prodi-G? (IN NORMAL VOICE) Yeah, yeah!
(GIRLISHLY) Yeah, yeah!
Thinks he's all that and then some?
Talks about himself in the third person
and thinks that every girl on the planet is after him?
No offense, Charmaine,
but your cousin is the last kind
of guy I'd ever hook up with.
(GIGGLES)
(GIGGLES SARCASTICALLY)
Ew, the Prodi-G.
So, uh,
what is your type?
He's artistic.
Sensitive. Interested in people besides himself.
And he likes long,
sweet, slow, lingering kisses.
Damn.
Damn!
What? Are you making fun of me?
Oh, no, girl. No, I'm saying that's exactly Trent.
Sure, he can be all puffed up on the outside,
but once you get to know him,
I'm saying, he's a real sweetheart.
I mean, you guys should, like, be a couple!
He was thinking about going
to the Showcase tomorrow.
Maybe you guys can hook up,
you know, after the dance.
Tomorrow night.
I don't know. Can I meet him before?
(CHUCKLING) No! It's tomorrow night.
Well, how about tonight, then?
Oh, he'll be there.
Good.
MALCOLM: Just Kurtis Kool.
(SIGHS) Let me see.
What is wrong with you? Your life's in danger
and what did you do? You go shopping.
Look, shopping is a very big deal for girls.
It's like their sports. If they ain't
doing it, they're talking about it.
Comparing stats, tracking sales.
It's like a fantasy league, you know?
So help me, Trent, if you're
falling for that Haley girl...
(STAMMERING) I'm not going for Haley. I mean... No.
She's not my type.
Good.
Okay, so, why don't we just go
down there and intercept it?
MALCOLM: Not yet. Surveillance is a waiting game.
We can't do anything that could blow our cover.
Besides, if Mia is spinning us,
let's just hope that if it is the music box,
that the flash drive's still inside it.
Oh, okay.
(SIGHS) So we just wait here.
(HUMMING)
Wait a minute. Is that the Tempts?
Not too old school for you?
No, actually, I was thinking about
sampling it for my mix tape.
Can you sing it?
I'd rather hum.
I mean, but if you sing it, I can catch a
vibe and I can have a dope mix tape
with some old-school jams on
there. Then we can like...
All right.
(SINGING) Papa was a rolling stone
Wherever he laid his hat was his home
(RAPPING) What
And I'm so fly But I get it from my fam
And we in the place and we on a case
Vibin' out to an old-school jam
(LAUGHS) I like that.
I like how you put the little new
school with the old school.
I could feel that.
I could jam to that. I could, you
know, do this little thing I do.
Now, what's that?
A little something I used to do back in the day
called the Cleveland Shuffle.
Oh, no, I need that. Come on.
Well, it's two to the right.
Okay.
Two to the left. Now freak with it.
Freak with it. Freak with it, freak with it.
Kick. Now you get your spin on. Right?
Right? Bring it back.
(EXCLAIMS) Then you freak with it.
Freak with it. That's right.
And your arms got to be in a little T. rex position.
Okay. So a little something...
Now freak with it.
So it's like the Soulja Boy, right?
No, Soulja Boy, that's a little hop thing.
I know what you're talking about,
but that's a little hop thing.
This is... This is more like this?
This is Tempts. When them boys was...
I like that. You know, "Oooh!"
You know, that kind of thing.
That's why I like doing this move.
'Cause it's not that complicated.
(LAUGHING)
Wait, what's up?
There are the girls. All right.
Chirkoff must have gotten to Kurtis Kool
and Kurtis Kool got the girls to steal the music box.
I can't believe that.
Look, Trent. Get back in that dress, all right?
I'm gonna check it out.
Okay.
(UPBEAT SOUL MUSIC PLAYING)
(MAN SINGING) All right
Come on You're outta sight
You got to give me just what I need
And a sweet little something that
brings a man to his knees
I like it easy I like it nice and slow
Boo. Oh!
(CHUCKLING)
Wow, a security guard with stalkers.
I'm a curious woman.
Why don't you come and throw
back some juice with me?
Let me satisfy that curiosity.
Well, all right. A little juice.
This way? Mmm-hmm.
(MAN SINGING) I know, lately
Hey, have you seen a girl...
Oh, okay. Thank you.
Haley?
Trent?
What's up? How you doing?
Oh, I'm so sorry I'm late. These poetry
readings always run long.
You do spoken word?
Yeah.
And I like slow, lingering kisses.
You know, it's weird that you would say that.
Yeah, 'cause you feel the same way, too, right?
No, it's just weird that you would say that.
Right, right. Because rap don't allow
me to get my sensitivities out.
And I got a lot of sensitivities
I like to get out. As a man, it's like...
They're deep. It's like an ocean inside me.
At the poetry jam, uh,
we get all our sensitivities out,
you know what I'm saying?
And we be snapping...
(SIGHING) Okay.
And it's like... It's, uh...
You know, I'm really sorry all Charmaine's
coaching had to go to waste,
but I think that I'm just going to go.
No, no, no, wait, just stay. Stay.
(STAMMERS) Look.
Charmaine told me you were a beautiful, great girl.
And usually, beautiful, great girls don't go for...
The Prodi-G?
Yeah. Well, that's not exactly who I am.
This isn't who I am. This is...
Okay, then, who are you?
I don't know. I don't know who I am.
I'm still trying to figure that out.
Me, too.
Yeah. Can we run this back?
Yes. Yes, we can.
I'm Trent.
Haley. Haley.
Your champagne, my Nubian goddess.
Now don't go putting me on no pedestal.
You know it might break.
What you talking about, girl?
I like a woman with a little
funk in her trunk!
And some shrimp in the backyard. That's a woman!
(LAUGHS) Well, you know I like me
a man with a dangerous side.
Something tells me that Kurtis Kool is not just a man
with keys and a Taser, huh?
(LAUGHING)
And you're ticklish!
Well, I'm into some illegalities at the moment.
Oh? Well, what kind?
Well, just typical BS, you know.
Middleman stuff.
Holding something hot.
(WHISPERING) That's "stolen."
Who you holding it for?
What are you, the FBI?
No! Ain't no FBI!
You wearing a wire?
What? No!
I'm going to find the wire!
Can you hear this? No...
Now that's funny, 'cause I know I ain't no FBI.
This I know.
(CHUCKLING)
(SIGHING) Oh.
You're so beautiful.
So much I like you.
You know,
you're my high priestess of delight.
No, no... Kurtis Kool!
I just want to bite you! Kurtis!
You got
Motownopoly. Let's play.
Yeah.
I got a better game than that.
(HALEY LAUGHING)
TRENT: So, look, I should get back.
Really? Why?
I guess I got a little time.
Damn! Damn!
Yo! It's Trent!
Yo, you got the producer guy's number?
Yo, call him and tell him we found our boy.
What's he doing?
Yeah. Yeah, we found our boy!
(ENGINE STARTING)
Trent! Yo!
Whoa! Rembrandt. Wow.
Yeah. This is my crew.
This is Rembrandt and Scratch.
Hey.
How you doing? How you doing?
Yo, you got your step-pop to sign the contract yet?
Yeah, man, I'm on it.
Come on, I want to take you somewhere.
Okay.
See you guys later. See you guys.
All right.
Yeah, you do that!
'Cause we got somebody we want you to meet.
Yeah, I'll holler. Okay.
Yeah, yeah! Tomorrow, Trent!
Scratch and Rembrandt, they're like,
I don't know, one's tall, one's short.
(CHUCKLES) Yeah, I noticed that.
We found him.
CHIRKOFF: Just stay with him. See
if he leads you to the father.
Okay.
Let the games begin.
You know, these girls of mine are driving me up a wall.
You know Jasmine Lee and Isabelle Parada?
No, refresh my memory.
Left foot, red.
They gave you a bag about an hour ago.
Right foot, yellow.
Oh! That Jasmine and Isabelle.
(GRUNTS) Sorry, Big Momma.
You know, those girls could be in a
lot of trouble. And so could you.
So who you holding that bag for?
Someone outside the school?
You really want to see that bag?
Damn!
Right hand, blue.
Are you...
Is it blue?
Mmm-hmm. Right hand, blue.
Come to papa.
(BOTH GRUNTING)
KURTIS: Left hand, green!
Oh, well...
Looks like we're all out of green. Game over.
No, no, no. I got your green.
(GRUNTS)
Okay. Go ahead. Reach for the stars, baby.
(IN NORMAL VOICE) Oh, hell, no!
What's wrong with your voice?
You heard me. Get your ass up.
Sister, you a brother?
Not again.
You touch me again, I'll knock you into next Sunday.
Hand over the bag. Hand over the bag, now!
Every time I try to meet somebody,
it's ding-a-ling-a-ling!
Be quiet! All right?
I'm undercover. FBI. Now give me the damn bag.
Wow. (EXCLAIMS IMPATIENTLY)
What the hell?
What the hell is a grown man
doing with a damn rooster?
(SIGHS) The girls stole it from St. Ignatius.
The boys' school? They're the Gamecocks.
They were gonna give it back after the Showcase.
(CLUCKING)
You want to finish the game?
Come on.
Where are we going?
You'll see. Okay.
Wow.
It's my home away from home.
This is nice.
Tomorrow night's the Showcase
and it's my best shot at getting
a scholarship for composition.
Without a scholarship, I'm out.
Everyone is gonna be there, you know?
Juilliard, Berklee, Peabody and Oberlin.
All right, look. Okay. So, I see
a beautiful woman right now.
I see a dope piano.
And nobody's playing it.
You want me to play?
Yeah.
Right now.
All right, I guess I gotta play it.
No, no, don't touch my piano.
Excuse me. Excuse me.
(CLEARING THROAT)
Okay, please don't judge. It's rough.
(PLAYING SOULFUL TUNE)
(SINGING WORDLESS MELODY)
See? It's not totally there yet.
I don't know, something's missing.
No, it's not missing nothing. It's tight.
You just got to feel it, you know what I mean?
You got to, like, speed it up a little bit.
Speed it up? Yeah.
Okay, um...
(PLAYING SLIGHTLY FASTER)
Yeah. Yeah.
That's better, right? Yeah.
(SINGING WORDLESS MELODY)
(SINGING) You've given me everything
You make me complete
(SINGING WORDLESS MELODY)
Yeah, I like that, I like that.
You like that?
Should we syncopate it?
(SIGHS) Look, normally, I don't syncopate
on the first date, but...
(SINGING WORDLESS MELODY)
(HARMONIZING)
All right, this is what we're gonna do next, right?
You're gonna go up a little higher.
You know what I mean?
Up an octave?
Yeah, an octave.
(PLAYING HIGHER)
(SINGING) Baby, you know
You are the air that I breathe
The life that's in me
(RAPPING) Me and you, we chillin' Hangin', cruisin'
Me and you together ain't worth losin'
On the keys, being crazy
Happy that I get to see you daily
Each time I see you
My heart starts to pound
Whenever you come around
'Cause you are all I need
(SINGING WORDLESS MELODY)
You've given me everything
You make me complete
Yeah, you are all I need
You're making me better, see
All of the love that you're giving me
How did you... That song is amazing.
It's perfect, right?
We have to do it at the Showcase tomorrow night.
We?
Yeah, we'll blow everyone away!
I mean, you know, it's your show. I'll be watching.
No, come on, you're a part of
this. I can't do it without you.
Please?
What time? Really?
Thank you!
I have to go back to the dorms before I get in trouble.
Yo.
Let's break night.
"Break night." Yeah.
I love that.
You're so amazing with words.
I can't believe you don't want to go to college.
I mean, all of those writers and poets you could study.
You know, I just figured I got
to strike while the iron's hot.
Jay-Z didn't drop Reasonable Doubt until he was 27.
Said the world's in a rush, but he waited to be perfect.
Hmm.
Well,
I'm feeling pretty perfect right now.
Me, too.
I have curfew.
See you tomorrow night?
Yeah.
Yeah, tomorrow night!
Kid's here to see his girlfriend, not his father.
Then take him. We'll kill him later.
Right now, he's bait.
Okay.
Let's go get him.
Let's go. Come on.
Two girls in one night.
You got to give the kid credit.
Not so much.
You idiots! How could you lose him?
I don't know. But I know where to find his girlfriend.
Both of them.
(ROOSTER CROWING)
Here's the deal.
You want me to keep your secret
about kidnapping Foghorn Leghorn here,
then tell me what you know about the
music box missing from the library.
Okay. That a girl.
There's a music box in the library and now it's missing.
(GROWLING)
(KNOCKING ON DOOR)
Big Momma, I have been looking for...
(CROWING)
What is the St. Ignatius mascot doing here?
Okay, I'm going to give you to the count of three.
And if nobody speaks up, then neither
of you is going to the Showcase.
One.
Two.
MALCOLM: They didn't steal the bird!
Uh, they found it.
Yeah, it was wandering around the
quad and they brought it to me.
GAIL: Oh. Well...
Thank you, girls.
There go one of my flock in need of some counseling.
Listen. I suggest you get this bird back to St. Ignatius
before it lays any more eggs.
But it's a rooster.
Child, they all taste the same
when you preheat the oven to 350.
Try it!
(IN NORMAL VOICE) You!
Stop!
Come here! Come here!
Come here!
MIA: I know that I've left you
a couple of other voice mails.
You can ignore those.
I can call you back.
(IN WOMANLY VOICE) Drive!
I can't! Delant used to drive me
everywhere! I barely know...
Child, I told you, you don't need
no damn Delant! Now, drive!
Turn!
I almost hit him!
Almost don't count.
(HORN HONKING)
Now take it up to 80.
Eighty?
You heard me! Eighty!
Great. I'm being followed by a
fat lady in a driver's ed car!
She's catching up.
Turn here!
There! I'm going to pull the emergency brake.
(MALCOLM EXCLAIMING)
This little go-kart handles well.
Keep driving! Go!
Now don't slow down.
You're going to kill us!
Without Delant, you got nothing to live for.
No, I do! I have friends and I have school...
That was amazing!
VLAD: Watch out!
What do we do now?
Pray for the airbags.
I can do this!
Well, I think you learned enough for one day. I'll drive.
Oh, my gosh, there they are!
(TIRES SCREECHING)
Have you lost your mind?
They're driving backwards.
Oh, God!
(TIRES SCREECHING)
This is making me nauseous.
(GASPING)
Wow, that was fun! Let's do it again.
MALCOLM: They were here. I gotta
believe they're coming back.
They're going to kill me.
You've never taken off that dress.
How would they know you were here?
They wouldn't. But if they did.
Trent, is there something you want to tell me?
No.
Now, listen. Get back in costume.
Do not get out of it under any circumstances.
All right? All right.
Hey. Don't worry.
I'll find it when everyone's at the Showcase tonight.
Okay? All right.
ISABELLE: You guys have to see.
(ALL GASPING)
HALEY: Isabelle, it's great. You really captured her.
TRENT: Yeah, girl, and there's a whole lot to capture.
Thanks. I just hope the RISD admissions people agree.
Yeah, they totally will.
Hey, have you heard from Trent?
He better be here soon.
Big Momma?
Yes, dear?
You knew I took the rooster
and you didn't narc me out.
Child, this is not Big Momma's first barbecue.
You putting on this front of toughness.
Trying to act all growed up.
I'm a senior.
Child, I see who you are on the inside.
You're a good, sensitive girl. No
different than Big Momma.
You're strong-willed,
just trying to take care of the
people who depend on you.
Plus
I'm starving!
Aw! The poor baby is hungry!
(EXCLAIMING SYMPATHETICALLY)
I did something else.
Worse than the rooster.
She wanted to be a Diva so bad,
I told her she could be if she stole the music box.
Who?
Haley. I made her do it.
I told her to bring it tonight so
that we could put it back.
Where is Haley?
I just saw her with Mia.
Ladies and gentlemen, welcome
to our annual Showcase!
Get ready to see some of the best
and brightest young talent that Atlanta has to offer.
Well, thank you for telling me, all right?
That was big of you, you know?
Now you get out there and break a
leg, and make Big Momma proud.
And afterward, I'm going to
have a double cheeseburger
and a regular Coke.
Supersize it!
(CHUCKLING)
GAIL: ...Jasmine Lee!
Now go, go! Go, go, go!
(AUDIENCE CHEERING)
(MUSIC PLAYING)
How many times do I gotta say I'm sorry?
Sorry?
"Sorry" don't mean squat from a two-timing dog!
Like Aunt Yorima used to say,
"It's better to be alone with yourself
for the rest of your life
"than together with bad company for a minute."
And, honey, you is bad company!
You're an entire conglomerate of badness!
Wait. Who is Aunt Yorima?
Mia? You seen Haley?
Yeah. I think she's with Charmaine.
Try the other side of the stage.
This Delant? Yeah.
(EXCLAIMS DISAPPROVINGLY)
And another thing...
(WHISPERING) Hey, Haley. Hey, girl.
Where is Trent? I'm up next!
Excuse me.
Listen, that's what I wanted to talk to you about.
Trent's not going to make it.
What? What am I going to do?
(AUDIENCE CHEERING)
Bravo! You did your thing. I saw that move.
All right, listen. Breathe, girl, breathe. It's all good.
You're going to go out there
and you're gonna be great.
You don't need Trent.
Next, with an original composition, Haley Robinson!
Okay.
Big Momma, what are you doing?
You're supposed to be chaperoning!
There are boys backstage.
All right, all right.
Hey! What are you... Get out of there, you!
You don't try to get a little nookie!
I'm gonna tan your hide!
Okay. (CLEARS THROAT)
(PLAYING SONG UNEVENLY)
(SINGING MELODY TIMIDLY)
(STOPS PLAYING)
Um...
(AUDIENCE MURMURING)
I'm sorry, this was supposed to be a duet.
It still is, girl. Look, Trent taught me everything.
What? Rock with it.
(RESUMES PLAYING)
(BOTH HARMONIZING)
(SINGING) Baby, you know
You are the air that I breathe
The life that's in me
Oh
And each time I see you
My heart starts to pound
Whenever you come around
'Cause you are all I need
You're making me better, see
From all of the love
That you're giving me Every time I think about you
Want you, need you, hold you, kiss you, love you
Never would place a person on this earth above you
I just want to be the one to make you feel amazing
And because you keep it real, we singing
HALEY: And each time I see you
My heart starts to pound
Whenever you come around
Yeah, you are all I need
Uh, you gentlemen...
Are you invited guests?
That's the crazy lady who chased us.
Get out of our way. We have business here.
Only business you have here is none-ya.
What? "None-ya"?
None-ya damn business!
(IN DEEPER VOICE) I crossed the line I'm wrong to lie
I'll make you mine
Yeah, you are all I need
Wait
(RAPPING) These words I'm speaking
got me going crazy
I need you, Haley
To be my baby
(MUSIC STOPS)
(AUDIENCE GASPING)
Wardrobe malfunction!
(AUDIENCE EXCLAIMING)
Haley... You... You're...
Let me explain. I trusted you!
No, listen, listen.
My God, everything I told you?
I'm just saying... Listen.
(AUDIENCE GASPING)
Haley!
(GRUNTS) Security! Security! He groped me!
He's trying to freak me!
He's groping me! He's trying to freak me!
Oh, Lord!
Call the FBI, ask for Agent Crawford.
Tell him you're a friend of Big Momma's
and keep everyone in the auditorium!
I don't understand.
(IN NORMAL VOICE) Just do
it. I'll explain it to you later.
(GRUNTS)
Okay. Everyone, please stay in your seats, okay?
Mrs. Mercier, dancers, please!
Split up!
Haley!
Trent! Trent!
Haley!
Yo, yo, yo! What is this thing?
Dude, you are all kinds of freaky!
Does Haley like you better as a girl or a boy?
Look, I can't do this right now.
Big boy! Come on, man!
Come on, get him! Get him!
(IN NORMAL VOICE) All right. Y'all got 30
seconds to get your asses off campus
or there's a hell of a lot more where that came from.
Bounce!
You've got some explaining to do.
Look, Chirkoff's guys must've
made me yesterday in town.
I took off Charmaine's outfit just once,
to get close to Haley.
You blew your cover. And you lied to me about it!
For a girl who played you?
She didn't play me.
Oh, yeah? Did she tell you she had the music box?
You act like you're the man.
And you were starting to convince me.
But it's all an act, you know why?
'Cause a real man wouldn't risk his life for some girl.
Look, she ain't just some girl!
You did the same thing when you met my mom.
This is nothing like that.
Come on. Come on. Malcolm!
In. In! Yo!
Stay there! Do not move.
Look, you got to trust me! Malcolm!
Damn!
Haley! Haley!
Haley!
Boss. We got him.
H-bomb!
Go away! Look, let me explain.
Leave me alone!
Look, you got the music box in that bag, don't you?
Yeah, and right now I just want to
put it away and get out of here,
seeing as how my life is pretty much ruined!
Look, there's some crazy, dangerous people after that.
What are you talking about? It's
just some old music box.
Not really.
Look. This flash drive got evidence that'd
put away some really bad people.
That's why I've been working undercover.
What?
So this was just some kind of job?
(MOBILE PHONE CHIMING)
Our night together? Our kiss?
We'll talk about that later. But right now, I need this.
There's no later. Haley.
Actually, I'll take the drive!
Trent!
TRENT: Haley, come on! (HALEY SCREAMS)
HALEY: Run, run!
(MOBILE PHONE RINGING)
Talk to me.
VLAD: The kid's with the girl, they're in the library.
Haley, we got to get you somewhere safe.
Let go of me! Come on.
DMITRI: Don't move.
Runs pretty good for a woman.
(IN WOMANLY VOICE) Oh, don't shoot.
I'm not even wearing a clean pair of granny panties.
Coroner's gonna think I'm some two-bit floozy!
Shut up.
(GAGGING)
My palpitations!
My poor cholesterol heart!
Like Fred Sanford said, "I'm coming
to join you, Elizabeth!"
Wait, wait, wait!
Come on. Come on!
This way.
Big Momma! Catch!
Move. Move!
Haley, it's gonna be okay.
Shut your mouth!
You just gonna hurt these innocent children?
Give me the flash drive.
What if I say no?
I'm pretty good with this gun.
My late husband Othar taught me how to use it
in case of a home invasion.
Give him the gun, or I shoot the kids.
Now,
the flash drive.
Very good, Agent Turner.
It took me a while to figure out. Then I remember.
You're the master of disguise.
Take off the fat suit. I want to check you for weapons.
Look, don't shoot the kids, all right?
He don't remember what he saw.
Kill them.
And this time, no witnesses.
My pleasure. Hey, Trent.
CHIRKOFF: I'm checking the flash drive.
I'm sorry. I was wrong to think we could pull this off.
This is my fault.
No. You was just trying to protect me.
I lied to you and everything. I'm sorry, Dad.
All right, this family hour has to
end. I'm going to throw up.
Hey, whoa. Just let me say one last thing to my boy.
You know, I'll go to my grave
wishing we could have done
that Cleveland Shuffle together.
Remember? Mmm.
Yeah. (CHUCKLES)
Killer step. If I just had one more chance.
Remember, it'd be two to the right,
(GRUNTING IN RHYTHM)
two to the left.
BOTH: Now freak with it, freak with
it. Freak with it, freak with it.
Enough! No more mistakes.
I never leave a witness.
Wait.
(GROANING)
My name is Kurtis Kool
and I just fried this fool.
AGENT: FBI!
Kurtis Kool.
You saved my boy. Thank you, man.
Just protecting the next generation of hip-hop.
Haley, hi.
I'm okay, I'm okay.
I knew she was a narc.
Hey, he's not a narc, he's a fed.
Same thing. You're a boy.
What's up? We cool now?
Weird.
Hey.
Look, I know I agreed to this.
And after the last few days, I want
you to know I'm happy to do it.
You've grown up.
I got to start trusting you in your decisions.
The contract.
Signed, sealed, delivered.
(LAUGHING)
Wow.
I'm going to Duke.
Yeah. I'm going to study music.
The Notorious PhD.
Really? Yeah.
You know, I realize there's no rush to greatness.
I mean, you only get one chance to be the new guy.
Spoken like a real man.
Look at you, boy. Look at you.
You know, I'm pretty sure you
called me Dad back there.
Did I?
Yeah, you did.
(CHUCKLES) You know, heat of the moment,
a little gunplay, we say things.
Uh-huh.
So, uh,
Dad.
Shoot.
Can I keep the boobs?
Put the bag in the car.
I just feel like I deserve them.
You know, I had to wear them for so long.
If that's what you want.
Son, I was thinking, your moms doesn't
need to know everything.
TRENT: You want me to lie to Moms?
It's just, some things she don't need to know.
Okay. You don't want her busting
that vein in her forehead
over nothing.
(SINGING) Yeah, he's a lyrical miracle, baby
You know I'm hot, I get it poppin' So they sayin'
He's a lyrical miracle, baby
And now you know just how I flow and it goes
Let's get it poppin', baby You
know how we do it in here
It's Prodi-G and possibly the dopest one of the year
It seems like every time I stroll in You know I be zonin'
Go ahead and call them girls And bring a couple friends
You know I came a long way
I done learned so many lessons
But the most important is That
my family is my blessin'
And even when they stressin' Ha, just let it be
Without them, there's no me
Prodi-G!
He's a lyrical miracle, baby
You know I'm hot, I get it poppin' So they sayin'
Yeah, he's a lyrical miracle, baby
And now you know just how I flow and it goes
It's Big Momma in the house
And I'm getting my rap on
Don't think I can't hang I party all night long
Now I ain't here preaching You
know how Big Momma be
Now give it up for my man, Prodi-G!
He's a lyrical miracle, baby
You know I'm hot, I get it poppin' So they sayin'
He's a lyrical miracle, baby
And now you know just how I flow and it goes
My name is Kurtis Kool Ol' hip-hop player
See me 'round school, man I'm
something like the mayor
I got 'em going crazy I know I bring the drama
Smooth with the lady Especially Big Momma
He's a lyrical miracle, baby
You know I'm hot, I get it poppin' So they sayin'
He's a lyrical miracle, baby
And now you know just how I flow and it goes
He's a lyrical miracle, baby
You know I'm hot, I get it poppin' So they sayin'
He's a lyrical miracle, baby
And now you know just how I flow and it goes
Oh, they wanna know They've been asking questions
Oh, these boys wanna learn their lesson
So let's take 'em to school
We gonna break it down so they got their tools
Put your listenin' ears on
Work that machinery Grind the gears on
(WOMAN SINGING) Listen to the
beat Tell you how the word goes
And your homework is to go berserk
And we so fly 'cause we don't care
It's all about us when we out there
We so fly 'cause we gonna rock
The temperature rocks, we so hot
All the boys, they stop and stare
'Cause my girls got that thing, they want it
When the beat's on No matter where
All about this
Yeah, we hop on it Yeah, we hop on it
What they talkin' 'bout? My girls
What they talkin' 'bout? Yeah, me
What they talkin' 'bout? Our moves
What they talkin' 'bout? You'll see
What they talkin' 'bout? My girls
What they talkin' 'bout? Yeah, me
What they talkin' 'bout? Our moves
What they talkin' 'bout? You'll see
It's all about the mix, yeah, the combination
The TNA in the conversation
But on a dance floor kinda situation
It's all about the body The moves you makin'
Tongues rolled out, like the red carpet
He figured out how to hit the target
Oh, Papa Gotta do it proper
Take a minute to step back and watch her
We so fly 'cause we don't care
It's all about us when we out there
We so fly 'cause we gonna rock
The temperature rocks, we so hot
All the boys, they stop and stare
'Cause my girls got that thing, they want it
When the beat's on No matter where
All about this
Yeah, we hop on it Yeah, we hop on it
What they talkin' 'bout? My girls
What they talkin' 'bout? Yeah, me
What they talkin' 'bout? Our moves
What they talkin' 'bout? You'll see
What they talkin' 'bout? My girls
What they talkin' 'bout? Yeah, me
What they talkin' 'bout? Our moves
What they talkin' 'bout? You'll see