|
Bigfoot Horror Camp (2017)
1
(jungle sounds) (fun jungle music begins) (dramatic electronic music) What was that? That wasn't you? No, I don't growl, asshole. Go check it out. It came from over there. (playful keyboard music) Hey, whatever happened to women's lib? Keep walking while you're squawking. Yeah, babe, there's nothing here. Keep looking, Captain Chivalry. Nothing here. (giggling) Ooh, shake that moneymaker. Oh, you like that, huh? (giggling) Yeah, that's what I'm talkin' about. Yeah, we're fine. (growling) Oh my gosh! What? Keep running! (growling) The last time I used it, I never missed. And I wasn't tired at all. After all, the most important... Look who's here! Burt! Hi, Dana. Oh, what a surprise! You haven't changed a bit. You're as handsome as ever. And you're looking lovely. Take your hands off that girl or you're a dead man. Robert, how's everything? Great, how are you? Better keep an eye on your sister, buddy. She's no little girl anymore. Oh, stop teasing me. I can look after myself. Tomorrow I'm hunting big game. What animal are you hunting? - Sacred monkeys. - Oh? I never heard of them. What are they? It's an old native legend. There're supposed to be some kind of sacred wild monkey, somewhere out there. It stays in the forbidden part of the jungle, forbidden to white men. But you will take me, Robert. I mean, you promised to let me come along, as long as Dad doesn't find out where we're going. He made me swear never to go near that part of the jungle. Is that the way you keep your word? [Dana] I had my fingers crossed. Burt. Why don't you come with us? It'll be a hell of a lot of fun. No thanks. Firearms make me sick. You've changed, like everything else, including Dad's place. You mean there's nobody around who can begin brawling like I did? It's very serious now, ever since you soldiers left. Have any of the old bunch been around here? (funky oldies music) [Man] That's when you both ran off? Yep. You say you got a good look at our perp? Well, I mean, Heather did. I was, I was basically like... I mean, sort of. Well, Joe was too busy shoving me out the way, so neither of us got a good glance at him. I was too busy leading the way, out of danger, so that you were not hurt. Yeah, I'm sure you did, hot shot. I'm gonna make out a report. Here, take my card. If you hear or see anything, call us right away. In the meantime, put some damn clothes on. Well officer, this is a nudist colony. That's right, detective. Maybe you should take off your clothes. Not in this lifetime, sister. The human body is sacred and very dirty. It's a temple for sinners, unless of course you're married. Whatever you say, boss. Oh, damn it! I left my phone down in the woods. (seductive guitar music) Well, Lucia, it looks like it's just you and me again. I guess so. (giggling) [Narrator] He took me to what Indians called the Land of Petrified Wood. There, carved in rock were drawings of a creature with big hands and big feet, exactly as I had heard Bigfoot described. The drawings were 700 years old. They told how creatures the Indians called stick men had come in the night and stolen the Indian children. The Indians abandoned the village in fear. (mysterious music) My head was reeling with Bigfoot. I came to bring my wonderful husband lunch. How was your day? Well, it was going good until I got called out to the Circle Double-D's nudist colony. A creature of some sort came out of the woods and attacked a young couple. This is really baffling. Was this some sort of Yeti? And if so, why was it attacking people? Are there really nude people out there? As far as the eyes could see, my love. Oh my. I mean... It's against my better judgment, but pack your bags. We're gonna go up there and find out firsthand if this thing exists. We're going to the Double-D? Yes, but we won't take off our clothes. But honey, it's a nudist colony. Well alright, Mary, but we can't enjoy it, understand? I promise. [Narrator] To those who cried, "For Bigfoot to exist goes against "every bit of scientific data known to man," I could now say, "How much more there is to know." I felt close to the adventurers who'd left their calling cards at Watson Lake as they crossed into the Yukon, and even closer to those who'd made a similar journey at the turn of the century. With so many pouring into the Yukon during the Gold Rush, it's no surprise there'd be such a rich source of stories about Bigfoot. They were bright, and traveling was good. Then, the snow turned red. (dramatic music) To the north, south, east, and west, rivers of blood flowed across the sky and down into the snows. It seemed to be the last day of the world. Bigfoot was punishing us for bringing its sorrow. But then, the good white light rose from the north. What followed was a battle of 1,000 warriors. White light was the spirit of Bigfoot, left to die by the trapper. It'd returned in the form of a white raven, to protect us from the red wrath of its grieving brothers. If you travel the river, you may see him. And if you do, he will bring you luck. (funky synth music) Ahem, Earth to Mary. Sorry. Where were we? You were just undressing that guy with your eyes. Well, not necessary. Wow. Yeah, actually, we should take our clothes off. Oh, I don't know, Mary. It just doesn't seem... Hi, welcome to the Circle Double-D nudist colony. May I help you with your belongings? You won't be needing them. (funky synth music) You're welcome. I live to serve. I'll remember that. Hey, you're blocking my view. Let's go. (smooth tropical music) It's great. [Robert] It sure is. Oh look. (elephants trumpeting) Well, I'm glad we're not hunting elephants. I'll bet you are. Next time, maybe. (elephants trumpeting) It's so exciting. (chuckling) You know, I can hardly wait to find out if there really is a sacred monkey. I already told you, it's a legend. Just one of many. Anyhow, I think we'd better stay on the beaten path. Oh, do you really think there's any danger? Of course not, but that's beside the point. The truth is, there's no sense in driving all that way just to shoot at a legend. You're awful, Robert. Shooting ordinary game isn't any fun at all. I mean, everyone loves doing something unusual. Look, a pair of lions! [Robert] They didn't even condescend to look at us. (chuckling) (smooth tropical music) [Narrator] There was a statue carved in redwood. Its image was based on hundreds of sightings collected over the years. And it was exactly like the creature I had seen myself. (mysterious music) Oh, darling. I was scoping out that path leading to the woods. I think I'm gonna follow it and see where it goes. Oh yeah, I'll try one, thanks. Try one? What are you talking about? Um, well, if I get cold I'll just put a coat on. I think the sun is getting to you. You're not making any sense, Mary. Okay, I see you'll be fine. Where were we? Well, I was telling you about the time that I saw the monster. Right. But I think she was talking about Mike the maintenance guy. Ooh, I've got my own monster story. Mike was way deep in my unit. [Woman] In your unit, you say? Really? Way, way deep, if you must know. Well, if it's the guy I saw in the office today, then he's definitely the right guy for the job. I saw about that. [Women] Hi, Mike. (funky electronic music) Should've taken a dip with us. Oh, I would have. But you see, I couldn't leave the bar. Besides, it looks like you girls got on just fine without me. [Mary] Bye, babe. We'll see you later. Are you thirsty? That's somebody else's drink. Yeah, but I poured it. And it's really more hungry than thirsty, really. I haven't eaten breakfast since 6:30 this morning. And breakfast wasn't really that big, when you think about it. I mean, I'm a growing boy. And French toast, a little creme fraiche, and some pastries, of course. And then, you know, you got a little fruit platter. Coffee was good, but it really wasn't a latte of any kind. It was just a small black coffee. And then the tater tots were nice, and eggs, but not scrambled. A little bit of cheese... Don't you ever shut up? I'm totally coming onto you here. (gentle tropical music) Look at that. Shotguns are loaded. (gentle tropical music) Crocodile, how about it? Let's see what you can do. (gunshot) Gotta hit the eye. Better luck next time. I wish that it was me in there swimming. (gentle tropical music) (dissonant electronic music) (dramatic music) (hissing) (growling) (playful jazz music) Good God. Help me, please. We've gotta get you out of here. No, no, no. Let's go. (dramatic electronic music) (growling) (dramatic music) (screaming) Put me down. No. You'll never get away with this. (Bigfoot grunting) What are you doing? Are you trying to make me dance? Well, why didn't you just say that, you big oaf? (funky dance music) (rhythmic exotic music) [Narrator] It happened two million years ago. (gentle dramatic music) In steaming swamps and prehistoric jungles. (birds squawking) The earliest manlike creature walked the Earth. Not human, more beast than man. A monster of evolution. (birds squawking) It walked across the eons of time, slowly changing, becoming more and more human, more and more advanced. These initial discoveries were made mostly in the snowbound regions of the world, parts of Alaska, Canada, most often by mountaineering expeditions in the Himalayas. (bright dramatic music) Now, this man was a professional photographer, as well as an educated scientific investigator and mountaineer. The giant footprints in the snow, photographed by Stapleton, were published by newspapers around the world. For the first time, the public came to know of the existence of a giant, manlike monster which actually exists in the Himalayas. A monster known as Yeti or Bigfoot. Within two years, the reports of giant footprints deep within the wilderness areas of the world spread from the Himalayas into North American itself. (dishes clanking) Oh my God, I'm so sorry. Oh no, no, it's completely my fault. I'm such a klutz. You are not a klutz. If anything, you're an amazingly beautiful woman. That is what you are. I am? Yes, you are. And in fact... If you'll follow me to the boudoir, I'd be happy to show you just how, um, amazingly beautiful you are. I don't know if that's such a good idea. I mean... (playful keyboard music) (smooth synth music) (birds tweeting) Wow, I forget how beautiful it is up here. You know, Bon? You know, I never thought I'd say this, but it is a pretty cool place. Yeah. My parents used to take me up here while I was at State. I used to hate it back then because it meant I had to be away from Danny Jackson for five weeks. Ooh, I screwed Danny... I mean, who? You know, he was president of his fraternity. He sat next to you in sociology? Sorry, not ringing a bell. Yeah, right. Okay, well, what can I say? You were gone for the summer, and we were at a party. And as they say, the rest is history. I can't believe you did that. What? It was like 100 years ago, so who cares? Anyways, what about Bobby Lockhart? Who? Oh, don't play dumb with me. Yeah, that was awkward. Well, let's face it, we both made mistakes. I agree. We're both a couple of sluts. Yeah. (dramatic synth music) (Bigfoot growling) Oh my god, what was that? I think I just saw something. Let's get out of here. (dramatic synth music) (playful music) [Narrator] Well, I was out of patience and I was out of money. So I took a job up in the wilderness, around Bossburg, Washington. Had to photograph a cinnamon bear in its natural habitat. You want a bear? Here's a bear. Piece of cake. I always got what I set after... Except Bigfoot. Then I saw it, a deformed version of the track I'd seen so often. (mysterious music) There it was. Finally, face-to-face with Bigfoot. Here was the domed head, just as others had described it. The thick, dark fur to protect it from extremes of weather, and allow it to pass unnoticed in the night. I saw it, photographed it, but scientists challenged my film. Yet it stood up under every conceivable test. Some reveal rugged terrain as the cause of the skinned heels, polio as the cause of the limp. But my documented evidence wasn't good enough for the experts, expects who still asked, "How could such a creature survive? "Where does it live? "Show us its remains. "What does it eat?" Experts who challenged my word but claimed credit for my film, and profited by it on lecture circuits. Now I didn't care for these people, but I was haunted by their questions. (playful music) Where am I? You're at Double-D. You're safe now. You saved me? Anyway, we need to get going, okay? Wait, where's Tina? Who? My friend. I came with my friend Tina. Where is she? I don't know. You were the only person when I got here, so I mean... Oh my God, the monster. What monster? No, we need to get out of here right now. (dramatic synth music) (motor humming) (water bubbling) (helicopter whirring) How are you feeling? Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't see you. You didn't see me, Miss Dana? Uh, no? Really? Well... I think maybe you did. I didn't see anything. I think we're in the clear, for now. - Are we? - Yeah. [Dana] Then why don't you lean a little closer? (gentle guitar music) [Narrator] Now I understood why Bigfoot steered clear of man. He had to, in order to survive. However vicious the creature might be, I gained a lot of respect for the elusive Bigfoot and its ability to endure. But if we were to find it, we'd have to get to the furthest outpost of civilization. (gentle music) When we ran out of road, we saw the remnants of the old pioneers giving way to the machinery of the new. Thousands were now pouring back up to the new gold rush. (birds tweeting) There's something moving. Oh, it's a python. Don't kill it. (smooth synth music) (funky exotic music) (screaming) (dramatic music) Please let me go. (upbeat dance music) Are you alright? I think so. He grabbed me by the pool. What does he want? He wants us to do a pole dance for him. Keep dreaming, buddy. You're forgetting, we are tied up to a pole here. Well, I don't see dollar bills anywhere. Dollar bills? I was thinking for twenties. When you get right down to it, though, it's actually kind of fun. - Really? - Yeah, watch. (rhythmic exotic music) Ah, excellent. One of our visitors. The sacred monkey, no less, captured by one of her sons. (woman screaming) Come out. Look, they're gonna obey you. Now they only take orders from me. You see? You'll find out, they won't listen to you anymore. Soon you, too, will obey when I command. (siren buzzing) Malek. First, I see you got away from Turk. Listen Burt, you'll have to do what I tell you to do for once. I've been hunting the sacred monkey for a year, and I don't intend to lose her now. When I want something, I take it and I keep it forever. (gunshot) Not this time, Albert. This time you've finally lost the game. You're really punctual, Burt. You're never late for an appointment. You arrive within the 10 minutes. Fast work, Burt. But I haven't lost the game yet, as you'll soon find out. - Look out, Burt. - What do you mean? The animatronic brain. Shoot the light on the panel! Malek, hold him! Burt, shoot the light. (gunshots) (dissonant squealing) (rhythmic exotic music) (Bigfoot growling) What was that? (upbeat country music) (Bigfoot growling) Stay back. No, come untie us. What's going on here? I don't know. All I know is every time I hear music and chicks do pole dances for me, I feel very human. Oh really? What's your name? Jonah Trout. Not from the Trout family? That's right. I heard you were dead. Well, it's been so long since I got laid, I may as well be. Sounds to me as if that curse has been lifted. You know, I think you're right. [Narrator] Then, a movement in the woods. The sun hadn't come up yet. It was hard to make out what I'd seen at first. (mysterious dissonant music) (leaves crunching) There he was, Bigfoot, standing no more than 100 yards from my blind. I began to shake all over. I could barely keep hold of my camera. He was awesome. (mysterious music) Then, behind me, another one, smaller, possibly younger. How many of them were there? Was I surrounded? They were the most extraordinary creatures I'd ever seen. I now knew why the Eskimos called Bigfoot the king of the animals. The older, larger one was seven feet tall, 450 to 500 pounds, his domed head and long, dark hair just like the other creatures I'd seen. His odor was overwhelming, the same thick, musky scent that first led me to Bigfoot so long ago. The young one was no more than five-and-a-half feet tall, 250 pounds. If my guess was right, probably on its first trip away from its northern breeding grounds. He'd probably never seen a man before. If he saw me, he could panic and attack. Here I was again with Bigfoot, unchallengeable proof my theory had worked. It is a migratory animal, and I now have the documentations of its habits I needed. Now we can begin to understand the place this creature holds in nature. (dramatic orchestral music) I once again said goodbye to this mysterious creature that has somehow outlived its natural role, endured the tests of time, now left to wander the land elusively, with a strange will to survive. (rhythmic synth music) Oh, I still have plenty of questions, and I'll continue my search for the answers now. But I assure you, I'll no longer get so caught up in the problems of my research that I'll lose touch with the wonders it reveals. Is that you my prince charming? You expecting someone else? (laughing) Oh no, never. You look amazing baby. But can I make one suggestion? Sure. (laughing) I had a feeling that would be your suggestion. Can you guess my next one? Can you guess mine? (mysterious electronic music) Check our coordinates to base Orion. Compare figures with signal direction. [Man] Angle alpha 37, angle alpha 12, velocity 600 miles per second. [Woman] Signal's in direction course, power signal's constant. [Woman] Exact coordinate signal, exact direction, course confirmed. (mysterious electronic music) (electronic beeping) This is Galactic Explorer 69. My landing was successful. Very well 69. For the sake of the Earthlings I will call you Serena while you're on their planet. As you wish oh supreme mistress. May I now learn the reason of my travels? Very well, you must preceded to the nearest populace. Once there you have 24 Earth hours to engage in their sex secrets. The knowledge that you bring back to Deltron is imperative. Without it our civilization will not survive another light year. I do not understand. Don't stop for the next 24 Earth hours. Oh I like that. This is Serena signing off. (mysterious electronic music) (cheering) (electronic music) Who are you? I'm Serena, I come in peace. Is this some kind of joke? What is a joke? It's nothing. I'm Mark and this is my friend Cindy. Your friend? Nice outfit by the way. Thank you. That was a joke. Another joke? Do you Earthlings do this a lot? Yes we do Serena. So where do you come from? I come from Deltron, third planet in the first galaxy. It is outside your solar system. (laughing) Of course it is. So like what are you doing here? I've come to learn from you Earthlings. Okay that's it this chick's crazy I'm calling 911. Is that another joke? Hold on let's just play along it's gonna be fun. So Serena do you have any special powers or? Special powers? Yeah like can you make yourself disappear? Hmm, I cannot do that, but I can do this. - Whoa. - Whoa. - That's unbelievable. - That's amazing. May I begin learning now? I don't know may she? Why the hell not? Sure. Really? Yeah. It's a woman's prerogative to change minds. That's why I love you babe. (dance music) (spaceship droning) Oh this is an emergency I must take this. Oh. (electronic beeping) Serena sorry to keep you waiting, but my servants were misbehaving again and I had to teach them a lesson. Oh you're the best teacher I know supreme mistress. Too bad it doesn't result in procreation. Oh you're so kind. I just called to report back. I've engaged the Earthlings in sexual intercourse and it seems to be quite gratifying. In fact it's extremely exciting. That's good news Serena and are you learning anything? Oh yes I've learned this thing called joking, but I haven't quite figured it out yet. Is that all you've learned? I've also learned that the male species has something that greatly resembles our communication devices. Do you mean our dildometer? Yes, only there's are much larger. Interesting, I couldn't imagine why they would need to be larger. Until this morning supreme mistress neither could I. Well keep up the good work and get back to me when you've learned more. Serena signing off. (spaceship droning) What's going on in here? (laughing) Oh nothing. I heard voices. But it is only I, how could there be voices? I don't know. How did you make the clothes disappear? Anyway I need to clean up, I need to use the shower. Oh is this clean up another one of those jokes? Are you for real? Yes I believe I am. Is this liquid used in clean up? Do you want to find out? I'll show you. (laughing) (wind blowing) [Man] Range one, oh, eight, two, angle of elevation 13 degrees. Direction alpha, 19 degrees, 10 seconds from now target reaches coordinates, minus nine, eight, seven, six... Guess who. I don't know give me a hint. Oh my god Mark you're driving me crazy. (slow rock music) What are you doing here? Ted left 10 minutes ago. I know he's at my place. I told him I was gonna get some booze. - Stop it we can't. - Are you sure? - I hate you. - No you don't. You're damn right I don't, come here. (birds chirping) I want to get laid. I thought you screwed that bouncer last night? You know the one you have a crush on? I did but that was like 12 hours ago. God Jen you are such a slut. I don't know Tina I think Jen just has a really healthy libido. (laughing) Oh yeah now you're talking. Let's call for some pizza. I'd love to get my hands on that delivery boy. Boy being the operative word. He's like 16 years old. He's 18, his birthday was last week, and I told him that when he was legal I had a present for him. Oh so you're ordering sausage. You better believe it and I'm getting some pizza too. (laughing) (phone ringing) Maybe that's Armando. His name's Armando. He sounds hot, I think we'll all order some sausage. I gotta get this first guys. Hello, oh hi Cindy. Yeah. That sounds good, I'm just around the corner in my place. I'm with Allie and Tina. Okay, we'll bring some tequila over and we'll be there soon. That was Cindy, she invited us to her party, her and Mark's place. Oh Mark. I know, speaking of sausage. [Man] Red alert satellite in sector H has ceased its function. Son of a bitch, she wasn't kidding. [Man] Red alert, satellite in sector H has ceased... (rock music) - Hey ladies. - Oh. - Hi. - Hi sausage, - I mean Mark. - I don't get it. Sorry, Sidney just likes to talk when she's drunk. Anyway you're not going to believe what I just found. What? A spaceship. Have we started drinking a little early? I'm serious. - What? - I'll show you. Oh, oh. It's right over in the field. The spaceship, his, "hey you all, the spaceship." It's the spaceship. - Oh. - The spaceship. We gotta go find a bathroom. - I'll go, hey I'll go. - We'll see you later. I'll go. See I told you. That can't be real. I don't think so. There's this chick at our place, Serena, she was sent from another planet. You think I'm crazy don't you? No. 'Cause it's true, you'll meet her. Okay, well I'm a little disappointed then because I thought you lured me here to take advantage of me and now I see there's a real ship. Well I mean the spaceship was the one thing I wanted to show you. Oh really well let's go check it out. (thudding) How did you know how to get in here? I just hit the side of the door and it opened up. Well, since we're here maybe we should make the most of it. I like that idea. (electronic dance music) Uh-huh. (suspenseful orchestral music) - Hi y'all. - Hola. (laughing) Hey girls. Have you guys seen Tina? My guess is she's just finishing up with lunch. (laughing) Sausage I believe. That would be my guess. Oh well I hope we see her soon. That's a good chance. Chances are excellent. Cin, introduce us to your friend. This is Serena, she's from... Deltron, the third planet in the first galaxy. It's outside our universe. She's been sent here. That's nice. Wow. Ted did you get in on any of this action? Oh yeah, she's unbelievable and that's no joke. I really do not understand this joking. Oh, that's okay, you're perfect just the way you are. Thank you Earthling Ted. (laughing) Isn't she adorable, I mean I'm Earthling Ted, isn't that great? Anyway, anyone want a drink? - No I'm good. - No thanks. - No? - No thank you. So Cin did you get in on any of this Ted action? Yeah we had an amazing three way. So what about Ted? Well if you're asking me what I think you're asking me Mark and Ted they're a lot a like. Ted is more like his big brother. That's all I need to hear. Hey Ted I think I'll take one of those drinks after all. (laughing) Hey. Hey. Did you say you wanted a drink? Yeah I did, please. Here you go. I think you know what I actually really meant. Oh, you want, you wanted a drink. Yeah. Oh. [Man] Target reaches coordinates. - Three, two, one. - Fire. (electronic whooshing) (rumbling) It's trying to get away, fire. (whooshing) How about that eh? Yeah. (laughing) On target. [Man] Damage to drive section, reactor water tank empty. (dramatic music) Hey honey look who I ran into. Right. Anyway guess what I found, Serena's space ship. You didn't destroy it did you? Of course not. Good because I must leave in less than 24 Earth hours. But we were just getting to know you. Mark if the alien chick says she has to go she has to go. But we were having so much fun together. I think we've been having a little too much fun if you catch my drift. (laughing) Sounds like someone's jealous. Jealous? I have these puppies. Do I look like I need to be jealous? Ooh. (whistling) [Cindy] Damn straight girlfriend. Allie just let her go, just let her cool off. When she gets like this, best thing is let her cool off. Well I just want to make sure she's alright. Wow that must have been some drink. (laughing) Looks like Ted slipped you a mickey. Oh hi everybody. Who's the hot chick? Tell her, better yet show her your little trick. As you wish. [Woman] Oh my god how did you do that? (dramatic music) I think maybe you're overreacting Cin. Either way that space girl's leaving soon and you won't have to ever deal with her. I'm not worried about that Allie. Mark and I we're in an open relationship. That's good. No it's not, I hate it. The only reason why I went along with it is because that's what Mark wanted. Didn't you screw Ted earlier? Sometimes it does have its benefits. You mean like now? Now I'd like to play a game that we play on my planet that I believe all you Earthlings know called spin the bottle. - Oh me? - Mmhmm. Why would you want me to spin your bottle? (mysterious whooshing) Ted you have kiss Serena. Damn, I mean that's it, I mean, I mean. - Hey guys. - Hey. Can we play? - Oh yeah. - Yeah of course, more the merrier. Yeah, can I get the next spin? (explosion booming) Caller's base communicates a strong explosion in the sector H, F, two, oh, three and the zone is not isolated any longer. The radar sentries report that no flying objects have left Earth's orbit while an aviation scout has seen large metal segments scattered here and there on the ice field. I'm afraid I must go now Earthling Mark. My time's not up here but I've learned all I need to know. Do you really have to go? The fate of my people depends on it. Well I hope your stay here helped you a little bit. It most definitely has. Oh good. Maybe you can teach the Deltron men whatever they need to learn so that you can save your civilization. Oh there are no men on Deltron, only women. Only women? Yes Earthling Mark. Do they look like you? Oh no. Oh. Oh they are much more beautiful than I am. Is that right? Yes. Do you know you never really showed me the inside of your spaceship. Would you like to see it? I'd love to. (electronic music) Nice. So my only question is do we have sex here or on our way to Deltron? [Man] Message received, over and out. (dance music) |
|