Ladies and gentlemen,
please welcome Bill Cosby !
Hello!
All right.
Happy to have all of you here.
And
" you'll know the meaning of this
by end of the show "
When I said to some people
"I'm coming to cerritos,"
they said : "Ooh, good."
I said : "We're gonna tape
for a TV show."
So they said : "Oh, yeah?
What... what... a special for...?"
I said : "Yeah."
So they said :
"Well, which one?"
I said : "Comedy Central."
So they said..........
" you?"
I said : "Yeah."
"Is this... is this
a new Comedy Central?"
I said : "No, it's the one
that you see all the time."
So, like, one of the guys
started crying.
So I said :
"What's the matter?"
He said...
"Mr. Cosby's gonna curse."
And they walked away.
So then,
another couple, they said :
"We... we hear you're...
you're gonna do a special."
I said : "Yeah."
So they said :
"On Comedy Central?"
They went like this...
I said :"Yeah."
They said...
"Then uh, we can expect
to see some, uh..."
I said : "Not really."
"Well,
what are you gonna do?"
I said : "I'm gonna
almost talk, that way."
They said :
"What do you mean?"
I said : "You know,
you aim at it, and you hit it,
but nobody
heard you firing ! "
As you grow,
you find people in your way.
Old people.
Two of 'em, you lived with.
So you become...
A person who,
now managing your life,
you fall in love.
And you see the person
that you want to spend
the rest of your life with.
And you ask that person
to be with you when you die.
I mean... I mean,
that's essentially what I said.
I didn't realize
what I was saying,
but I said that.
I , I thought
I was being romantic.
I said to her,
"I would like to spend
the rest of my life with you."
Well, if you...
see, love...
When... there used to be a time
when songwriters wrote words,
and they...
They had...
"I lov... I'm crazy about you.
I love you.
I just can't think right.
I'm going mad."
And all of that.
And... and...
And it's true !
You're not making any sense.
You want somebody
to be with you until you die.
That's not love.
You know, I don't know
what you can call it,
but it's not romantic either.
I mean, you think about it,
you know, she's there,
and you say,
"I would like to spend
the rest of my life
with you."
Oh, whoops.
Wait a minute.
Whoops.
Wait a minute.
Let's go back and listen
to your grandmother.
After your grandfather died...
And ten years later,
somebody says :
"Grandma, don't you want
to meet somebody, a man?"
"I don't want to take care
of another old man."
See, she's not in love anymore.
Grandma goes :
"Oh, no, you don't.
You don't get me
one of those old things, man."
When you fall in love,
you accept craziness.
See...
Here she is.
Right there.
She's called the "girlfriend."
Girlfriend.
Now, this person
is wonderful for you.
She will even drink beer...
With you
and lay up in your ar...
She will watch sports...
With you,
and... and even know
your friends by name...
And say the names like
she really likes the person.
She's a wonderful person.
This is the girlfriend.
Friend
Girl...
Okay?
Loving you!
Pick you up anywhere.
"Come and get me."
Zoom.
Right there.
You can say to her,
"Do you have any money?"
She will... she will say,
"I'm sorry, I don't."
Well, you can't get everything.
There she is.
But...
After 49 years of experience,
she is the lure.
You ever do fishing?
The lure is something
very beautiful,
and it bobs in the water.
And it draws you...
Yeah.
So nice, this person.
So wonderful.
You... you leave her, and she'll
call three minutes later.
"I miss you."
Yeah.
You can call her.
Any hour
Any hour
She's... "Yes, oh, yes.
I miss you so much.
When are you..."
"Yes."
The girl...
....Friend
Thank you very much.
So you want her...
So badly that you...
Want to spend the rest
of your life
with the girl...
... Friend
That's who you're proposing to.
So now you have
to go get a diamond...
Because a diamond
is A Girl's...
... Best Friend
Hey
Love... love is not...
you're not clear.
You're not thinking...
you're not saying to yourself,
"Wait a minute,
she's my girlfriend.
"But if I want her to spend
the rest of my life,
I have to go get her ,her friend
And maybe more
Now, everything
I'm telling you is not anti
You know, none of it is anti
I'm just trying to make it
clear for the males,
because somebody keeps
telling us that we are...
"You're the man.
You're..."
No.
What we are
is not paying attention.
You got to pay attention.
There are people...
there are paradigms
of what is coming.
Your own father.
See, you think you can use him
because he's quiet.
And who helped him
to become that?
See, it doesn't register
with you that his wife...
"Don't say that
about my mother..."
Hey... your mother...
You know, I can't say
"wore him down"
or "beat him down."
It's his choice
to be a quiet man.
A man who used to love to talk.
A man who took you out places,
came back with you,
and then she said :
"What did you do?"
And you told her
what you and dad did.
And then she told him
not to do that anymore.
I'm jumping ahead,
'cause I'm not talking
about the girlfriend.
I'm talking
about where we're going.
Yeah, here she is
"" The wife ""
See, when you... there's...
the game of chess.
Supposedly, men made it up,
and it's about war and men
and the savageness
and the bravery
and the genius of commanding
and moving pieces and...
No.
It's marriage.
The queen...
Moves anywhere she wants...
Picking off people.
And what happens to the king?
He's moving one square.
look at mother's day
look at mother's day
oh , ma... it's so woderful....
and this is ....
parades and presents
why is it that nobody forgets
mother's day ?
because your mother tells you when
it's coming
she also tells you :
"you better not forget"
and mothers are not truthful people
and the proof of it, is :
every year , your birth
the labor gets longer
by the time you are 30
she was in there for 7 month
in labor !
and she kept saying : oh my god
shoulders !
cut it in half
so ...
here she is
the girl friend
you want her
for the rest of your life.
so that means you have to get married
keep in mind
that's what you moving to
"" the wife ""
the different person
now , they're not evil
they're not evil
but they have a different mindset
first we will start
with the loss of power
which's you never had
these things were written about in books
called fairy tails
where the man was on horse
and all of that
and the woman ... ho..
throw down your hair
you know , and all of that
and he is a swash man and swinging
and flying in
and saving her
when nobody was really bothering her
she can take care of herself
she took care of you
I don't want to take care of another
oldman as long as I live
so now here we go ,
You get the ring.
Then...
Then you're most humble.
You begin to think
what she will mean to you.
And you become humbled,
and you realize,
as you are mad...
as you are mad
that you are really...
You put yourself in such
a low self-esteem position.
"I am nothing.
But if I have her,
I will conquer the world."
And you begin to want her
and need her,
because without her
by your side,
you can't do it.
And then you have the nerve,
after you give her her friend,
to tell her
how worthless you are.
"I am nothing.
And... and if you
will join me..."
Now, this
is getting stupid now...
But it is the lure
of her friend.
She's not paying attention
to what you're saying.
She's looking at the diamond.
She thinks you're saying,
"Please, marry me,"
'cause that's all
they ever say.
You say, "What did he say?"
"He asked me to marry him."
But you were babbling away
about being nobody and nothing
and your heart and that
you're gonna die before her
and you want her there
to see this death.
Later on, thousands of years,
a woman says,
"I don't want to see that again
as long as I live."
So here we go.
You ask any woman
in this audience who's married.
"Did he ask you
to marry him?"
"Yes, he proposed."
"What did he say?"
He said :
"Will you marry me?"
And that's because
she never paid attention.
Now, the two men...
The two men in the wedding...
important...
are told what to do.
The father of the bride
is told.
"You walk her down here,
"give her to him,
"and then you come over
and sit beside me.
"And stay sober.
"And don't go around
asking strangers
how much they think
all of this cost."
So much for the power
of the father of the bride.
The groom has no power.
He's given an opportunity
to invite
all of his best buddies.
They come,
and they are called the...
- Groomsmen.
- The groomsmen.
And the reason
why he's given that privilege
is because
this is the last time
he will ever see them...
Except maybe as pallbearers.
Now, I don't know if
you're planning to get married
for the first time.
All you fellas,
now just listen to me carefully.
I... If you can swing it,
I think it'll be very nice.
Take... take the father
of the bride out.
Let him sit
next to the bride's mother.
In his place,
while you're standing
and waiting for her,
you will put your mother.
The groom's mother...
think about it...
is bringing her.
You see?
You can now see your whole life.
Here comes the woman
who brought you into this world,
now bringing to you
the woman who is going to...
No, let me say it !
Take you out !
Thank you.
So now, you men pass up
certain things.
You don't recognize...
When you're married,
you don't recognize
certain things that...
Pardon me...
that she's doing.
She's not an evil person.
I don't think
that she is like a person...
"Uh, give me that big, red one.
I'm gonna ride 'em
till he can't breathe anymore."
No, I don't think that.
But I do know...
That... that they...
they...
Things belong to them...
And you don't know that.
You think this is yours...
That it belongs
to the two of you.
"My wife and I."
See, it's not true.
The first time I ever
talked out loud to myself...
I was married seven months.
I came in,
and I took my shoes off,
put 'em there,
and I , I went back
to get something to drink,
came back, and they were gone.
They were gone
because a part of my mind said...
Because the eyes told him,
"What happened to your shoes?"
So I answered myself.
I said : "I don't know."
So... so my brain said :
"Well, they were here."
I said :
"Yeah, I took 'em off."
And then my brain said :
"Yeah, we saw you do that.
We saw you...
you put 'em right there."
So things started...
to move.
And the reason is,
they are not...
Yours.
And where they...
- Belong.
- Belong!
Said many of the wives
sitting in the back.
Yeah, not... they're not
where they belong.
And you will find out,
when you ask very nicely,
"Dear..."
you have to.
"Dear, have you seen my..."
And then, as you
stay married longer, they...
They get to sound
like judge Judy.
"I'm talking now.
I put it where it belongs."
And then you're scared.
You say...
You're scared to say,
"Well, where is that?"
things start to move...
you could be sitting , I'm telling you
these things belong to her
it's not evil ...
it's just that...
you don't know that
she gave me a room !
she said : come here
I want to show you, your room
I said : am I being punished ?
no bill , I fixed the room for you
I didn't ask her to ,
nor she did ask me
what I like
she said : I put everything in there that
you like
so ther was a big TV
like this...
like this...
and it was about this far from my face
but it's not bad because when you
you know , you take the remote
once you learn how to do that
specially when you turn it on ,
and move
because the thing will suck
so ...
she...she.. she showed me the room
and now I sit in it
because this is my room and I ...
I sit... and I
and sometimes she will come by and
peek in
and she says ... one time
she said :
oh... there you are !
and then she walked away !
so.. so ..I went after her
and said : yes dear?
she said : what ?
I said : yes...yes..
what do you want ?
she said : I don't want anything .
I said : but called me !
she said : no I didn't .
I said : yes you did there
she said : when did I called you bill ?
I said : you stopped back at the room
and you said : There you are !
she said : that's right
I wasn't calling you
I said : oh... there you are .
because you where there ,Bill
so I said : yeah , but why did you have
to tell me that I'm ...
and guess what ?
I knew I was gonna win this one
cause she said :
I don't wanna talk about this
All you husbands know this :
People will say,
"Is your wife your friend?"
You say, "My best friend."
"My best friend."
Because they better say it.
I-I know that's not
a good understanding
of a friendship,
that you better say it,
but that's the way it is
with your wife.
Because she's not your friend,
so you better say
she's your friend.
No, she's not your friend.
That's your wife.
Way above a friend.
See, this was your friend,
and you wanted to die
with somebody.
Here she is.
You see?
So now, this is your wife.
So you could get a friend
just being a regular,
you know, nice person
or something.
But a wife is special.
But they want you to say,
"She's my friend."
let me give you an example
Excuse me ...
.... Dear ...
why did you moved this ?
when ... I.. when.. I had it this way ?
see ... that's my wife
I got no answer.
she just ... she just walked out
and they know ... they know
that they're not your friend
because you could do like this
after she did like this
you could call her back
and say : love , do me a favor
don't ever do this again !
no ... I'm just making up something
I didn't say...
so ... so ..so
so , don't ever do this again
because when I have something set on
my table
I want it on the table the way I want it
isn't this fun ?
some guy , an idiot ...
in the audience , one night said to me :
Is your wife here ?
stupid ... dose it sound like
she's here ?
I don't want you moving
my stuff again !
I don't care for put it upside
down
or lay it like that
leave my stuff alone !
... Dear !
who do you think you're talking to ?
- my friend
No you're not either
Buster !
keep it up , you will die by yourself
so you have to just understand that
things are gonna move,
let them move ,
But she's not your friend.
No, no, no, no, no.
Let me give you an example.
I fly into Massachusetts.
Get in my car.
2:30 in the morning.
I'm driving,
hour, 15-minute drive,
going home.
All of a sudden,
I smell a wire burning.
15 minutes out, wire burning,
smell smoke,
the lights are dimming.
All of a sudden, the car...
vroo...
And I negotiate over,
I put it in park,
turn off the key.
I go around, I lift the hood.
This ends my knowledge
of how to fix the car.
I come back round, and I...
2:45 A.M...
I dial my friend.
His name is Ed.
He's around my age.
So I said...
phone's ringing...
You know.
So Ed...
he picks up the phone.
Now, he's asleep.
2:45.
He says...
you know, he tried to talk.
I said : "Ed."
He said : "Cos."
That's my friend!
Ed!
That's my friend Ed!
All I said was "Ed."
He said : "Cos."
He said :
"Are you all right?"
My friend Ed wanted to know...
He was asleep,
and all I said was "Ed."
"Cos, are you all right?"
I said : "Ed, I'm fine.
"I'm driving my car, Ed.
I'm I-91 North.
"I'm an hour out from my house.
"I smell wire burning.
"There's smoke,
engine lights go out, Ed,
"and, Ed, my car is gone.
"It's just stopped,
and I'm wondering, Ed,
if you'll come and get me."
My friend Ed said :
"Cos...
"Let me get dressed.
I'll be there."
My friend...
- Ed.
- No, say it!
Ed!
There you go.
My friend!
Ed !
Ed....nah, I didn't ask you
to say it again.
When I do like that,
that's when you say it .
My friend Ed
is coming to get me.
He gave me a choice.
He said :
"Cos, let me get dressed."
I could've said :
"Don't get dressed, Ed.
Come and get me."
My friend Ed is coming.
Now, let's... let's go
to this other person.
I'm not naming any names.
Just going to another person.
What time is it?
2:45.
- 2:45 in the morning.
Dial the number.
- She picked up the phone.
- She said...
I said : "Yes, my darling."
She said : "Oh, Billy."
I said : "Yes, dear."
She said :
"Oh, how are you?
What are you doing?"
I said :
"Dear, I'm about an hour out."
She said : "Oh, wonderful.
You'll be home shortly."
I said : "I don't think so."
She said :
"Oh, what's the matter?"
I said : "Well, dear,
I'm driving my car,
"and smoke starts coming,
and the engine cut out,
and I had to maneuver over..."
And she said : "Bill."
I said :
"I-It just won't run, dear."
She said : "Bill."
I said : "Yes, dear?"
She said : "How many times...
"Have I told you...
to get that car fixed?"
I said : "Many times."
She said : "No, Bill.
How many times?"
I said : "Over a hundred."
She said :
"So why are you calling me?"
I said :
"Dear, I was hoping..."
She said :
"Well, you got that right."
"I was hoping that you
would come and get me."
She said : "Bill...
"Do you expect me
to get out of this bed,
"drive an hour out
to wherever you are,
because you
don't listen to me?"
She said :
"I'm gonna call the AAA.
When they bring you home, Bill,
don't make a lot of noise."
I said : "Dear, the reason
why I make a lot of noise
"is because you won't let me
turn the lights on
and you keep changing
the furniture around."
She said : "Well, you could
fall quieter than that."
Now, that's my wife.
My friend...
... Ed!
Is coming to get me,
because "Ed" is...
....your friend.
No, no.
He's single.
yes...because if Ed is married
you can hear Ed's wife in the
background
I know you better not get out this bed
no ... all you men you can go ahead
as long as you've been married
I'm telling you now...
I'm not afraid to say it...
I lost...
My key
that was given to me.
I lost my key to the house.
That was 48 years ago.
I don't have a key.
I don't know any codes.
Nothing.
I-I get off the plane,
and... and someone
who works for us
will pick me up, bring me home.
That person has a key.
That's if my wife is not there.
And then that person
will lock me in.
There are instructions
written in the house
what I cannot touch.
Because that's another thing
when you get married.
You get up...
you been sleeping...
You get up,
and she wakes up too.
"Where are you going?"
"I'm just going downstairs."
"No, you stay up here.
You stay here with me."
"Why?"
"Because you're just gonna
be walking all around."
"And what's wrong with that?"
"I don't want you
touching anything!
You don't know
how to lock up."
"What do you mean?"
They don't trust you.
So she had to go
visit her mother,
and she... she left.
I waited and waited
until she was gone
long enough, you know,
to be at her mother's house,
and thenI , I got up,
and I went to bed.
She won't let me
go to sleep early,
but if she's not there,
she can't see where I am.
So I put the pajamas on.
I got in the bed.
So the phone rang,
and I got out on my side
and walked over to her side,
where the phone is.
I don't have a phone on my side
because my phone wakes her up.
So...
You thought it was only
happening to you, didn't you?
So I said : "Hello."
It's a woman.
So she says,
"I represent
the so-and-so security company."
She says,
"Who am I talking to?"
I said :
"Well, I'm half-owner of...
of the house."
So she says...
she says,
"Well, do you know
"that there's an alarm
going off...
going off?"
I said :
"I don't hear anything."
She said : "Well, it's going...
it's going...
"It's showing up
that there's a malfunction
in the front door
of the building."
So I said : "Okay.
Well, just a minute."
I put the phone down,
I went to the front door,
and there's bolts and keys.
So you unbolt
and turn the key, open,
slam it, bolt, turn it.
Unbolt, unlock, open, slam it,
jiggle it, bang it,
bolt it back.
Turn the key.
I went back up.
I said : "How's it look?"
She said : "It still shows
there's a malfunction."
She says, "And who...
what is your name?"
I said : "Cosby."
She said :
"What is your code name?"
I said :
"I don't have a code name."
She said : "Yes, you do."
I said : "Ma'am,
I have to tell you...
"I don't drink, and I don't
do drugs or anything.
"I know for sure
I don't have a code name.
"I just have my regular name,
which my mother gave me,
and my wife even calls me
by that name."
She said : "Well, sir, I'm
gonna have to call the police,
because you don't know
your code..."
I said : "Ma'am,
they're not gonna do anything
because I have a code face."
I said :
"Just one second, please."
So I put her on hold,
and it's blinking,
and I punch down another line,
and I dial
my mother-in-law's house.
The phone is ringing,
and my wife picked up.
She said : "Hello."
I said : "Oh, I'm so happy
to reach you."
She said : "Hi, honey.
How are you?"
"I'm home."
She said : "I'm at mom's."
I said : "Yeah.
Just a minute, dear."
She said : "What's the matter?
What's the matter?"
I said : "There's nothing wrong,
but the lady
from the security company..."
She said :
"What did you do?"
I said : "I didn't
do anything, dear.
Just one second."
So, uh...
Conference.
So I punch down the conference,
and I punch down my wife.
I said : "Hello?"
My wife said : "Hello?"
And the woman said : "Hello!"
I said : "All right!"
So I said : "Ma'am?"
The lady said : "Yes."
I said : "This is my wife."
So the woman said :
"Yes, how are you?"
My wife says, "I'm fine."
So my wife says,
"What is the problem?"
So the woman said :
"Well, there's a malfunction
"on the front door
of the building
that this gentleman
is in."
So my wife said :
"Did you touch that front door?"
I said : "No, I didn't."
The woman said :
"Yes, he did."
I said : "Now, look, lady.
You gotta...
"You know,
there is a timeline here.
"I touched the door
after you told me
there was something wrong."
She said :
"Oh, yeah. Okay."
So the woman said :
"And what is your name, ma'am?"
She said : "Mrs. Cosby."
And the woman said :
"That is correct."
She said...
She said :
"And what is your code name?"
My wife said : "Pearl."
She said : "That's correct."
She said : "And I just want
to tell you, Mrs. Cosby,
"how wonderful it is to speak
to someone who has a code name
"that makes some sense and not
a bunch of pervert things
going out that you
have to hear and say."
My wife said :
"Thank you, but you know,
"I was in the andes,
and we were all around,
"and I saw the pearls
and the people,
and I said : 'oh, my God,
I've got the name.'"
and the woman said :
"Oh, yes, I plan to go there,
"and we're going to do
all of this and that,
and they're the same colors,
and so you don't mind if I..."
"Oh, yes,
it's a wonderful place,
and you should see
the thing..."
She said : "By the way, your...
this man is your husband?"
My wife said : "Yes."
She said : "He doesn't... he says
he doesn't have a code name."
So my wife said :
"Yes, he does."
I said : "No, I don't."
My wife said :
"You do have a code name."
She said : "And I told you
your code name."
I said :
"You never told me anything.
You never said..."
She said : "I told you
your code name twice,
"as a matter of fact,
and then I told you
to write it down."
I said : "Well, I don't know
anything about a code name."
So the woman said :
"And what is his code name?"
My wife said : "Bill."
I was going to have
this woman reported,
because...
No, you can't do that.
But I didn't report her
because I didn't know
how to spell...
See, that's the sound she made
to keep from laughing.
My wife said : "Bill,"
and this woman went...
And then she said to my wife,
"Mrs. Cosby,
please don't be dismayed.
I have one of these
at home too."
So I said : "Well...
"If you told me twice
my code name,
"and if... and I'm talking
to both of you...
"If you told me
to write it down,
why is it I don't remember
what you said?"
And both of them
said simultaneously,
"Because you don't..."
Listen.
No, no, I'm not talking to you.
You weren't there.
but it's gonna happen
you'll be ... you'll be married
and see things man !
see the power
power of the wife
we were going out with an elderly couple
in their late 50s
and my wife locked up
and first of all
you get to a certain point in your marriage
specially after the children move out
they're not gone
they just move out !
but their bills come to your house
so
I open the car door
for her
she got in and she is sitting
behind her girlfriend
and I go around , I open the door
and I sit behind her girlfriend's husband
he's not my friend
I have to like him
but I , you know ...
anyway
they just ...
but when women greet each other
they just ... oh my god
you just look so gorgeous
and so do you , you look so wonderful
and where did you get those earrings ?
I could just kill you for those earrings
oh yes, do you like them ?
yes , they pick up your eyes
they pick up your dress ,
they pick up the dashboard ,
they pick up everything
and just so cutee ... and ...
men , men are different man ,
you say : How you doing Roy ?
good to see you Bill
keep in touch man !
so
he takes off
now , they have a GPS
the GPS
the GPS :
2/5 of a mile , make a left turn .
his wife says :
2/5 of a mile , make a left turn .
this continues
for anotther 20 minutes
every time the machine spoke
she said the same thing !
and he never said anything !
so another 20 min .... I
and I couldn't take it anymore
so said to my wife :
another 10 minutes and I can't take it anymore
I said to my wife :
Shut Up
now ,
we get to the venue
the woman goes to inner sanctum
and I pulled the guy over
I said : hey man
doesn't it bother you that your wife
repeats whatever the machine says ?
He said :
what machine ?
see .... after a while man
when the children leave
you become her oldest child !
so you don't need a brain anymore
you don't need a brain
don't ask any questions
just do what I tell you to do
cause she ... she looked at me
she said : I've laid your clothes out for you
so I went up and I put them on !
she said : where you going ?
I said : you told me to put on my clothes
she said : I laid them out for you
I said : well , where am I going ?
she said : tomorrow.
so I took them off
and I laid them back out again
she said : why are you doing ?
I said : I'm playing them out for tomorrow
she said : they're dirty
so now it's time to go out with her
wherever she's going ,
I don't ask
married long enough ,
I don't ask
Do I care ?
Yes !
But I don't want trouble.
so I sit there
and she drives
sometimes we go to the mall
here's the rule , that I know
I'm supposed to do
if she want's me to go
when she gets out
the lock will go up
if..if..if if she wants me to stay
it stays down .
and thats when I talk to the dog
oh ... yeah , people have dogs in the cars
and I sit there
sometimes she's very nice
she'll leave a little crack in the window
then they pull away and another car comes in
then sometimes she'll say :
ok , lets go
and then I go
and then she walks me
so then .... hey I'm telling you man !
you don't know what you in for boy ,
then she comes
and then she walked me over
to a place that there is about 12
other men
old men
and they're all sitting there like this
now , you sit down here
and I'm telling you right now
you stay where I put you
you don't go wondering all over here
because when I come back and you're not here
I'm leaving you !
and there are men sitting there
oldmen
and some of them have peed on themselves
what happend to you ?
I'm not leaving man !
I don't care , I'm not leaving
but the smartest man of
all of us is Reggie ,
see... he's got a ziploc bag
but he won't share
there was one fellow , he just passed out
no ... he just got passed out
and his wife got mad at him
what are you doing down there ?
and he just ......I have no idea.....
I know you must have done something ,
now , you get up
and he did
so one of the old guys said :
he was faking !
I've done that before ,
I couldn't get up
I don't know if anybody could come up
but man .... when she said get up
he just got right up !
my...., I fell off and my wife came said
get up
I was so happy I couldn't move
that's the way it is.
go down there ... you sit ...
... do what I tell you ...
she blamed me for her menopause !
we were sitting there talking
and all of a sudden , water just shout out
and her blouse just turned to
another color
and she looked at me and said: stop it !
I said : stop what ?
you know what you're doing.
I want you to stop it right now
and then she went
and put her head in freezer !
as soon as I cool off, I'm gonna get you
the rule of the house
is
or ought to be
then when a married couple
come upstairs....
if the hisband....
gets the remote
or let me put it in fair sense
whoever gets the remote first
turns on their program
they sould be allowed
to finish the program they turned on .
without , I'm not naming any names
A certain person going around ...
well , what is this you got on now ?
then they lay in the bed and
you trying to watch your program
and they go : ah....
what is then ?
ah....
I don't know what is this but its a marathon
gonna be on for another seven weeks , dear
and I got the remote first ..... ha..ha..ha
see , there's gonna be a husband museum
I don't kknow if I'd bee alive or not
I know that the statue out front
be of a husband sitting in the chair
and he'll be looking like this :
and then on the exit ,
there is a moving statue
and the husband's going :
and they walk around the house and
that's how you can tell
it's not your house ,
they walk , they walk all over
you see'em going by , here
back around and you hear'em
over head
and you say :
dear , come sit
I'm busy !
don't you see I have things to do around
so... ok
she said to me , she said to me :
you know , like Bela Lugosi
(Dracula)
Come !
she said : come sit with me
we never talk
so , she took me in her office !
and she sat me down
then she sat on her sofa
and then she took out a book
and started to read
so , I'm sitting
and she's reading
and ...um...
see , wives have a wide pripheral vision
they can see
like a alpro corner back
I'm telling you ,
pay attention
I'm gonna show you what I did
she's reading and I did like this
she said : where you going ?
I said : I don't know ,
and she said : but you moved to stand .. and
I said : Yes
she said : ok
you were moving to get up
I said : Right !
she said where were you going ?
I said : I don't know
she said : Bill , how could you move to
stand and not know where you're going ,
I said : because the voices !
... told me to stand up !
and then , they heard you !
and then they ran away !
oh yes
one of the worst things that could
happen to you
is when your wife gets your medical
you know , exam
and you see RBC and white blood count
and then the cholesterol triglycerides
and they're not pretty
and my doctor made that decis....
he's no longer my doctor
he sent it to the wrong fax number
and...um...
the reason she shut mine off !
but he wanted .... he sent it to her
she shut mine off ,
because I wasn't using mine
I said but I leav it on
I don't want it on
I never said , but thats my machine
I already know the answer
so ..... I'm up
I'm up and try glycerides and ...
... and then I get the wife
we want you around a long time
and this is unhealthy
and I keep telling you over and over
and instead ,
it's like listening to your mother
you know , at least with your mother
like when your mother ...
and then sometimes you just say :
Mum , just stop talking
beat me , beat me !
you can't do that with your wife
they hit to hard !
so , I behaved
because she kept watching me
and we go to a resaurant
and she will ask the person for the menu
and just tell them : he dosen't get one
and people in restaurants are used to
wives just taking the thing
and tell that husband misbehaved .
So we went
to this one restaurant
in New York City,
and he has a bakery
next door... next door.
So it's like the bakery,
and then you go in,
and there's curtain,
curtain,
and a door to the bakery.
And then there's a curtain,
and then there's a door
and a curtain
to the restaurant.
So when we got out of the car,
I'm walking,
and we get out far enough back
that I could see the cookies.
And I noticed
that they had chocolate chip
cookies this size.
Bigger than famous amos,
smaller than Mrs. fields.
So listen, this is
where you can put two in.
So the bad boys up here,
they're... "Oh, man,
we gonna party!"
"Yeah, but how do we get there?
How do we get there?"
"Don't worry,
he'll figure it out.
He's smart."
You know.
So we go... she did not
look like she saw it.
And we went in and so...
"Oh, Mr. and Mrs. Cosby.
How do you do?
Sit there,"
and people sitting.
And I'm...
so he pulls...
So my back is to the door,
and she's there.
Fella says,
"And there's the menu for you,
and will your husband
be having a menu?"
"No, I'll select
something for him."
She says, "Oh, I see you have
the poached breast
of chicken foot !
And she started laughing.
"Ha, ha, ha, ha.
I got you. I got you."
"No, you scared me."
So she ordered something for me
that was poached, uh...
With nothing, you know?
Just... you will taste
the flavor of how it died !
So...
She ordered some kind of salmon
from rangoon,
which has been buried
for 12 years
and then was wrapped
in fig leaves
from a village
where only virgins...
Male... male virgins...
Come and sing to the trees
and the leaves.
It was wonderful.
She just swooned, listening...
"I don't know how chef
thinks of these things."
And so she ordered that
with, uh, with prunes.
No, it wasn't "ew."
She... she's... prunes.
And they bring a small tree,
and you pick your own prunes.
Put 'em on your plate.
So I said to her...
Now, this is the part
of marriage where you...
I mean, you're both good.
You both know each other
very well.
"Soon I will get you,
lady Cosby.
"I bleed not.
"This is but a scar.
Aah!"
I said to her,
"If you will excuse me,
I will go to the bathroom."
She said : "All right."
So I got up, and I went...
The lady at the desk...
"May I help you, Mr. Cosby?"
"Uh, no,
I'm going straight ahead."
Door, curtain, bakery.
So there's a-a couple
and a little child.
I go up, and I'm in...
you know, in a hurry.
So there's a lady
waiting on them.
So there's another lady
that didn't look like
she was doing anything.
You know, New York City.
And, uh, I said :
"Pardon me."
She said :
"I'm very busy right now."
I said : "Oh, yes, ma'am,
but I just need t-two things,
please, if you don't..."
"Oh, hello, what do you need?
What do you need?"
I said : "Just give me two
chocolate chip cookies, please."
"Well, you just can't have two.
You have to buy a dozen."
"Well, good,
I will buy a dozen,
"but give me two now, please.
Just give me two."
"First,
I have to put the gloves on."
"All right, put on one glove.
Give me two cookies.
"Please, hurry, 'cause
I have to get out of here.
So give me..."
What! I put 'em in...
Chew the thing,
and now she's putting 'em...
I said : "Here, keep the change.
It's all right.
Don't worry."
"No, you will get the change.
You got to..."
I said : "I don't have time!
I'm sorry."
And I went through a bunch
of curtains, then the door.
Stood there
with the curtain blocking.
She's sitting there.
I sit down.
She draws the sword.
"Where did you go?"
"I told you...
Where I went."
She said : "I know...
"What you told me...
But that's not
what I asked you."
I said : "I went...
To the bathroom."
She said :
"No, you didn't."
She said : "You went...
"That way.
The bathroom is that way."
I said : "Yes.
"This is true.
"But...
"The bathroom
for the regular people...
"is there.
"For the stars...
"It's that way.
Ha!"
She said :
"You went into that bakery...
"and you ate
a chocolate chip cookie!"
And I said : "Ha, ha, ha!
"That's where you are wrong!
"I did not have...
A ...
Chocolate chip cookie!"
She said : "You did."
She said :
"Let me smell your breath."
I said : "You'll smell nothing.
"You think
I'm one of your children.
"Going around smelling people!
Apologize!"
The woman from the bakery...
It was not a pretty scene.
The woman from the bakery
came with the bag
with the ten
chocolate chip cookies.
It was piling on
like I've never seen before.
"Mr. Cosby!
What is wrong with you?
"You forgot
your ten other cookies,
and you ate the other two
so fast in there."
I said :
"I don't know you, lady."
She said :
"And here's your change."
And then my wife stuck
her sword through my neck.
Oh, you liked that part,
didn't you?
And said :
"Chew on that."
Yes, but getting back...
And then, the other dream:
the children.
These children...
we will have these children,
and they will go on.
We will give them love,
and they will go on.
We will give them care
and go on in health and go on,
and these are our children,
and they will love us
and everything.
And I'm... I'm driving them.
There's three of them.
It's my turn to drive 'em
to school.
Block and a half from school...
"Dad, dad, wait, wait, stop.
Stop the car."
"What's the matter?"
"Can... can you
let us out here?"
"No, your mother
said to take you
straight to the front
of the school."
"No, no, dad.
No, she didn't mean that.
She means to let..."
"No, don't tell me
what she means.
"I know what your mother said.
"Your mother said
drop you off in front of the...
"I don't know what you guys
are trying to pull,
but you're getting off
in front of the school."
"Dad, please.
Please, don't do that.
Please, don't... dad, don't,
don't, don't, don't, don't."
"Okay, 'don't, don't, don't,
don't, don't.'
What is the problem?"
"Dad, there's no problem.
We just want to walk
from here to the school."
"But your mother
said to drop you..."
"Dad, please,
if you let us off here,
we will never say anything."
"Oh, don't lie to me
about that.
Now, you're gonna tell me
what the problem is."
So I turned around,
and I looked at 'em.
And when you're
an experienced parent,
you pick out the weak one.
"Judas...
"Come on, talk to me.
Talk to me.
"Come on, you can.
You can.
Say it.
Don't be afraid of the others."
So finally, the old one said :
"The reason why we want to walk
"is because our friends
make fun of us."
"About what?"
"Um, they say that, um,
we think we're rich."
"Why didn't you tell me that?
"Why didn't you say that?
"I can clear it up for you
right away.
"Listen, your mother and I
are rich.
"You guys have nothing.
"I mean, think about it.
"Every time you want something,
you ask us, don't you?
"That means you have nothing.
"Defend yourself!
"People say, 'oh, you guys
think you're rich.'
"You say, 'no, we don't!
"'That's my father's car.
"It's my mother's house.
"We have nothing!'
"Say that to them.
"And I'll prove it.
Just... I'll prove it.
"The state is making us
do these things.
"If we don't do it,
we go to jail.
"Another thing,
you have no money.
"You're homeless also.
"Your name's not
on the mortgage or anything.
Tell your friends that.
Defend yourself!"
"Well, we just
wanna get out of here,
and we just
wanna walk, and..."
"Besides,
they're not your friends,
"'cause if they
were your friends,
"they would like you
for who you are,
period, regardless."
"Well..."
"Evin," I say, "Look, okay?
I've had enough of this."
Made a u-turn.
I went all the way back
about 1/2 mile.
Made another u-turn.
I said : "Get out."
"Get out?
But... get out?"
"Yes, get out."
"But, dad, this is a long..."
"Yes!
"Think of how your friends
will love you even more.
"Come on. You...
You can do it.
You can do it. Get out."
"But, dad,
we don't wanna get out."
"No, no, you're gonna prove this
to your friends."
I close the door, and I
made a u-turn, going home.
I'm driving.
I look through the rearview.
They're fighting mad
with each other, man.
Not throwing any punches,
but it's getting close.
So I make another u-turn,
and I come back.
"What's the problem?"
"We don't...
we don't wanna walk."
"Okay, get in the car."
I drive all the way up
to the front of the school.
In front of us...
I told 'em.
I said : "Look at that.
"Your friends
talking about being rich.
"They just drove up here
in a $300,000 bus.
Go ahead."
So they got out.
They're walking,
and then they go on the grass,
and they're meeting
with their friends outside,
and all of a sudden,
I put it in park,
opened the door,
and I walked over to 'em.
And I looked at 'em,
with their friends around them,
and I said :
"Kiss me."
It was wonderful.
but all those dreams that you have
of what they're going to be
I remember my wife...
Our first one
was ten years old...
And I think my wife
had some dreams
of this first-born
being a friend
and the two of them
growing together.
"Which one is the mother?"
oooh .... na ....
Not once she turned ten.
My wife called me.
"Bill!
May I see you?"
And I have this habit...
If I can't see her,
I don't answer.
Then I heard her coming,
and I answered,
"Yes, dear?"
She said :
"Come with me, please."
And she took me up
to the daughter's bedroom.
The daughter's
standing there...
Letting us know
she can't stand us.
I stopped at the doorway.
My wife came over here.
My wife addressed me.
"Have you ever seen
such filth in all your life?"
I said : "No, I haven't,
your honor
My wife said :
"Go to your bathroom,
"pick up
the bathroom scale... yours.
"It's on the floor.
"With two hands.
"Bring it in here.
Set it down face up."
Daughter came back with it.
My wife said : "Now,
bring that sock over here.
"Put it on the scale.
How much does it weigh?"
"The needle hardly moved."
"Then why can't you
pick it up?"
Then the daughter said :
"I didn't ask to be born!"
And I just got so mad.
I thought
of three things to say,
but none of them would
allow me entry into heaven.
And my wife, in...
Time,
said something
that made me jealous
of her intelligence
and quickness,
'cause the daughter said :
"I didn't ask to be born!"
And my wife said :
"And you're not
what we asked for."
getting to here
getting to here
sitting in a robe
quiet
she stalked her head in
she said :
isn't it hot in here ?
and before I could respond ,
she turned the thermostat !
and then left .
so I sat
and after a while I started to get cold
and I... I
I started thinking to myself
you know
I'm a Man ...
get up
you know , change the thermostat .... but
but ... I ...I wasn't afraid
I don't know what it was ,
but I didn't want to the thing
I was doing this routine one night
and a woman yelled at me
: why didn't you get a sweater ?
so then I began to just think ...
I'm a man ...
I'm a husband
I'm ... I'm cold
get up
change that thermostat
change it
you're a man ...
you have to sit here freezing
so I did
I got up
I went over , and I turned the thermostat
came and sat down
felt much better
cause I'm a Man ...
that's what's important
get up , change it
then started to get warm
then she came back
stalk her head and...
and she said : .. augh..
the children heard her
because I heard them say : dive ... dive !
she looked at me and she said :
Did you....
... change the thermostat ?
and I just stared at her
because I wasn't afraid
and she said : I'm talking .....
.... to you !
and knowing that I'm a man
and what the strength of being a man
I said to her without fear :
I
have not left this chair
cause I'm a man ...
but they know that they own us
... oh yes
I was asleep
having a nightmare
a snake was crawling...
on my left heel
and it's gonna bite me
I'm gonna die
and the nightmare I was afraid and I
wanted to reach down
grab it and kill it
but my arms are paralyzed
and I couldn't move
and my subconscious I guess said :
wake up , and you'd be able to move
and I did
and I woke and I saw my wife
she's holding my left heel
and then in her right hand ...
is a dead-skin scraper !
she kept yelling
Hold still ...
... I'm sick of this ...
... cutting my legs to shred
another time I was asleep
not a nightmare
just sleeping
and all of a sudden
I feel a shark pain
in my right nostril
I open my eyes and there is my wife
with face right there
she's holding six hairs
why can't you see these ?
I am sick of looking at these things ...
hanging out of your nose
why can't you see these ?
you breath out and they go out like this
Thank you,
ladies and gentlemen.
Now , you know why