Live at the London Dominion Theatre
"Revelations"
On December 16, 1961, the world turned upside down and inside out,
and I was born screaming, in America.
It was the tale end of the American Dream,
just before we lost our innocence irrevocably,
and the TV eye brought the horror of our lives into out homes
for all to see.
I was told when I grew up, I could be anything I wanted.
A fireman, a policeman, a doctor. Even President, it seemed.
And for the first time in the history of mankind,
something new, called an astronaut.
But like many kids growing up on a steady diet of Westerns,
I always wanted to be the cowboy hero.
That lone voice in the wilderness,
fighting corruption and evil wherever I found it,
and standing for freedom, truth and justice.
And in my heart of hearts, I still track the remnants of that dream,
wherever I go,
in my never-ending ride into the setting sun.
You're in the right place. It's Bill.
I'm living out in Los Angeles now so,
you know, I like coming over here,
you know, for the weather.
You guys have weather. Cool...
Los Angeles, every day, hot and sunny,
today, hot and sunny,
tomorrow, hot and...for the rest of the...
...hot and sunny, every single day, hot and sunny.
And they love it.
"Isn't it great, every day, hot and sunny?"
What are you, a fucking lizard?
Only reptiles feel that way
about this kind of weather.
I'm a mammal,
I can afford coats, scarves,
cappuccino and rosy-cheeked women.
LA is the home of the pedestrian right-of-way law.
What this law is,
is if a pedestrian decides to cross the road,
anywhere or any time
on the road, every car has to stop
and let this person cross the road.
Yes, 'cause only in LA does common courtesy
have to be legislated.
Every car has to stop. Pretty ludicrous in light of the city we're in now, right?
If someone steps in front of your car here, you speed up and turn your wipers on, you know.
"Bad call brother."
"Must've had a bad day. I don't know."
Stupid law...
How many of you all wondered, like I did, during the LA riots,
when those people were being pulled out of their trucks
and beaten half to death - how many of you all wondered, like I did...?
Step on the fucking gas, man!
They're on foot, you're in a truck...
...I think I see a way out of this!
That pedestrian right-of-way law...
People are driving home,
a gang of youths stepped in front of their truck,
Molotov cocktails, clubs in hand,
everyone of these idiots...
I guarantee you that Reginald Denny, that truck driver...
[Denny is a truckdriver who got pulled
from his truck and was brutally beaten]
Never gonna stop again as long as he lives.
[Denny is a truckdriver who got pulled
from his truck and was brutally beaten]
Could be an old woman
with a baby carriage crossing the road. He's..
"Not today, baby."
Not a time to quit smoking, kids
But I fucking did it.
And yes, I miss' em...
It is hard to quit smoking.
Everyone of them looks real good to me, right now.
Every cigarette looks like it was
made by God, rolled by Jesus,
and moistened shut
with Claudia Schiffer's pussy, right now.
"Golly, that looks tasty"
Every time I'm here something weird happens,
this time Bush lost... Cool!
People ask me where I stood politically, you know.
It's not that I disagree with Bush's
economic policy or his foreign policy.
Is that I believe he was a child of Satan
here to destroy the planet Earth.
Yeah, I'm a little... a little to the left there, I was.
I was leaning that way.
Yeah, you know who else is gone?
Little Quayle boy. Little Damien.
Is that guy Damien?
Tell me those blank empty eyes
aren't gonna glow red
in the very near future.
"Stop making jokes about meee..."
"I'll spell potato any fucking way I want."
"Rioters in LA, let's nuke them."
"Bush was a pussy."
"He held me back."
Frightening people, man.
Bush tried to buy votes
towards the end of the election.
Goes around, you know,
selling weapons to everyone,
getting that military industrial
complex vote happening for him.
Sold 160 fighter jets to Korea
and then 240 tanks to Kuwait
and then goes around making speeches
why he should be Commander-in-Chief
because, "We still live in a dangerous world."
Thanks to you, you fucker!
What are you doing?!
Last week Kuwaitis had nothing but rocks!
Quit arming the fucking world, man.
You know we armed Iraq.
I wondered about that too, you know?
During the Persian Gulf war
those intelligence reports would come out:
"Iraq: incredible weapons,
incredible weapons."
How do you know that?
"Uh, well...
...we looked at the receipt."
"Ah, but as soon as that cheque clears, we're going in."
"What time's the bank open? Eight?
We're going in at nine."
"We're going in for God
and country and democracy
and here's a foetus and he's a Hitler.
Whatever you fucking need, let's go.
Get motivated behind this, let's go!"
Oh-oh, looks like Mr. Major
was on the hot seat there for a second, too.
Little Iraqgate,
little rapscallion he is.
"Did we send, did...I don't...did...?"
"I'll have to check Maggie's old calendar."
What's funny about this,
every one of your papers says
that you guys sold Iraq "machine tools"...
which Iraq then converted...
...into military equipment.
I have news for you folks,
a cannon is a machine tool.
Your Orwellian language notwithstanding,
it's a fucking machine, it's a tool.
Our papers in the States have the same thing.
We sold Iraq "farming equipment",
which Iraq then "converted"...
How do they do this?
"Simsalabim simsalabim aa salabim sim sim sim salabim."
Wow! It was a chicken coop,
it's now a nuclear reactor!"
"This war's for Aladdin."
Farming equipment which they converted into military,
okay, you got me, I'm curious,
exactly what kind of farming equipment is this?
"Oh! okay, well it's stuff
for the farmers of Iraq."
Yeah?
What?
"Ooh...okay...uhh...well... Oh, one of the
things we gave them, just for the farmer,
it was new thing we came up with,
called...uh...the...uh...
flame-throwing rake."
"No, it was for the farmer, see, he would
rake the leaves and then just turn around..."
"But you know what
the Iraqis did with that?"
There's no trees in Iraq, what are you sending them rakes for, you asshole?
"We could have done our research better, perhaps, yes."
What else did you sell 'em?
"Okay, uhh...one of the other things we gave 'em
is a new thing... for the farmer."
"The, uhh...armored tractor."
"No, farmers when they farm, will look over their shoulders, at times, and they won't see a tree
and they'll hit it, maybe, and there'll be a wasp nest in the tree, and the wasps will come 'n sting 'em."
"So we put four inches of armour
all over the tractor.
And a turret to shoot pesticide on the wasps."
"Yeah, but you know what
the Iraqis did with that?"
"Can't trust 'em."
I'm so sick of arming the world and then
sending troops over to destroy the fucking arms.
You know what I mean?
We keep arming these little countries
then we go and blow the shit out of 'em.
We're like the bullies of the world, you know?
We're like Jack Palance
in the movie "Shane"...
Throwing the pistol
at the sheep herder's feet.
"Pick it up."
"I don't wanna pick it up, mister,
you'll shoot me."
"Pick up the gun".
"Mister, I don't want no trouble,
I just came down town here to get some hard rock candy for my kids, some gingham for my wife."
"I don't even know what gingham is, but she goes through about 10 rolls a week of that stuff."
" I ain't looking for no trouble mister."
"Pick up the gun."
"You all saw him. He had a gun."
Kennedy, I love talking about the Kennedy assassination
because to me it's a great example of,
uh, a totalitarian government's ability
to, you know, manage information and thus
keep us in the dark any way they...
Oh sorry wrong meeting... Ah, shit.
That's the meeting we're having tomorrow
at the docks.
I love talking about Kennedy.
I was just down in Dallas, Texas.
You know you can go down there and, uh, to Dealey Plaza where Kennedy was assassinated.
And you can actually go to the sixth floor of
the Schoolbook Depository. It's a museum called...
..."The Assassination Museum".
I think they named that
after the assassination.
I can't be too sure of
the chronology here but...
Anyway, they have the window set up
to look exactly like it did on that day.
And it's really accurate, you know,
'cause Oswald's not in it.
Painstaking accuracy, you know.
It's true, it's called the 'Sniper's Nest'.
It's glassed in, it's got the boxes sitting there.
You can't actually get to the window itself
but the reason they did that, of course,
they didn't want thousands of american
tourists getting there each year going:
"No fucking way!
I can't even see the road."
"Shit, they're lying to us!
Fuck!"
"Where are they?"
"There's no fucking way."
Not unless Oswald was hanging by his toes, upside down from the ledge.
Either that, or some pigeons grabbed onto him, flew him over the motorcade...
Surely someone would have seen that.
You know, there were rumours
of anti-Castro pigeons seen drinking in bars...
Someone overhead them saying:
- "coup, coup"
Unbelievable. And you know what's wild?
People's attitudes in the States about it.
Talking about Kennedy, people come up to me:
"Bill, quit talking about Kennedy, man. Let it go."
"It's a long time ago - just forget about it."
I'm like, alright,
then don't bring up Jesus to me.
As long as we're talking shelf life here.
"Bill, you know Jesus died for you" - Yeah, well it was a long time ago. Forget about it!
How about this? Get Pilate to release the fucking files.
Quit washing your hands,
Pilate - release the goddam files.
Who else was on that grassy Golgotha that day?
"Bill, it was just, you know...
...taking over of democracy by a totalitarian government, let it go."
That's another good thing
about Bush being gone, man,
'cause for the last 12 years with Reagan and Bush,
we have had fundamentalist Christians
in the White House.
Fundamentalist Christians who believe
the Bible is the exact word of God,
including that wacky fire
and brimstone 'Revelations' ending,
have had their finger on the
fucking button for 12 years.
"Tell me when Lord, tell me when.
Let me be your servant Lord."
Fundamentalist Christianity - fascinating!
These people actually believe that the bi.., uh,
the world is 12 thousand years old.
Swear to God!
Based on what? I asked them.
"Well we looked at all the people in the Bible
and we added 'em up all the way back to Adam and Eve,
their ages - 12 thousand years."
Well how fucking scientific, okay. I didn't know
that you'd gone to so much trouble. That's good.
- You believe the world's 12 thousand years old?
- "That's right."
- Okay I got one word to ask you, a one word question, ready?
- "uh huh."
- Dinosaur.
You know the world's 12 thousand years old
and dinosaurs existed,
and they existed in that time, you'd think it would
have been mentioned in the fucking Bible at some point.
"And O, Jesus and the disciples walked to Nazareth.
But the trail was blocked by a giant brontosaurus...
with a splinter in his paw.
And O the disciples did run a shriekin':
- What a big fucking lizard, Lord!"
"But Jesus was unafraid and he took the splinter from the brontosaurus's paw
and the big lizard became his friend."
"And Jesus sent him to Scotland
where he lived in a loch for O so many years
inviting thousands of american tourists
to bring their fat fucking families
and their fat dollar bills.
And O Scotland did praise the Lord.."
"Thank you Lord, thank you Lord. Thank you Lord."
Get this, I actually asked one of these guys:
Okay, dinosaur fossils - how does that fit into you scheme of life?
Let me sit down and strap in.
He said, "Dinosaur fossils?
God put those here to test our faith."
Thank God I'm strapped in, right now, here, man.
I think God put you here to test my faith, dude.
- You believe that?
- Uh huh.
Does that trouble anyone here?
The idea that God...
might be... fuckin' with our heads?
I have trouble sleeping with that knowledge.
Some prankster God running around:
"We will see who believes in me now.
I am God, I am a prankster."
"I am killing Me."
You know, You die and go to St. Peter:
"- Did you believe in dinosaurs?
- Well, yeah. There were fossils everywhere..."
"You fuckin' idiot. Flying lizards, you're a moron!
God was fuckin' with you!"
"It seemed so plausible, ahhhh!"
"Enjoy the lake of fire, fucker!"
You ever noticed how people who
believe in creationism look really unevolved?
Ya ever noticed that? Eyes real close together,
eyebrow ridges, big furry hands and feet.
"I believe God created me in one day"
Yeah, looks liked He rushed it.
They believe the bible is the exact word of God
Then they change the bible!
Pretty presumptuous, hu huh?
"I think what God meant to say..."
I have never been that confident.
Next we have a bible out called 'The New Living Bible', it's the bible in updated and modern English.
I guess to make it more palatable for people to read.
But its really weird, when you listen to it.
"And Jesus walked on water.
And Peter said, 'Awesome!'"
Suddenly we got Jesus hanging ten across the Sea of Galilee. Christ's Bogus Adventure, ya'know.
Deuteronomio 90210, ya'know..
Such a weird belief. Lot of Christians
wear crosses around their necks.
You think when Jesus comes back
he's gonna want to see a fucking cross, man?
Maybe why he hasn't shown up yet.
"Man, they're still wearing crosses. Fuck it,
I'm not goin, dad. No, they totally missed the point."
"When they start wearing fishes
I might show up again."
"But... let me bury fossil heads with you Dad"
"Fuck'em - let's fuck with them!"
"They're fuckin' with me now, lets get'em."
"Give me that brontosaurus head, Dad."
You know, kinda like going up to Jackie
Onassis with a rifle pendant on, you know.
"Thinkin' of John, Jackie. We love him.
Just tryin' to keep that memory alive, baby."
Back and to the left, back and to the left,
back and to the left, back and to the left.
Which, by the way, that action you see
Kennedy's head go through in the Zapruder film,
caused by a bullet - comin from up there.
Yes, I know it looks to the layman
or someone who might dabble in physics...
This action here would be caused
by a bullet coming from...well...
Up here, did you see that?
Did everyone see that? Yeah, but no.
What happened was Oswald's gun went off,
causing an echo to echo
through the buildings of Dealey Plaza
and the echo went by the limo on the left
up into the grassy knoll hitting
some leaves causing dust to fly out
which 56 witnesses testified was a gun shot,
'cause immediately... Kennedy's head went over.
But the reason his head went over
is 'cause the echo went by the motorcade
on the left and he went "What was that?"
"So there, we have figured out,
go back to bed America, your government
has figured out how it all transpired."
"Go back to bed America,
you government is in control again."
Here, here's American Gladiators.
Watch this, shut up!
"Go back to bed America"
"Here's American Gladiators. Here's 56 channels of it."
"Watch these pituitary retards
bang their fuckin skulls together
and congratulate you on living in the land of freedom."
"Here you go America, you are free, to do as we tell you!
You are free, to do as we tell you!"
"Oh good. Honey, I heard on the news
that they've figured out that the gun,
what happened is, is that there was an echo
and Kennedy was, uh, asking Jackie what it was,
and that that's why his head flew..."
"Honey what time's Gladiators on? Are we missing it?"
"I'm so glad we're free, honey."
This happen just a few weeks ago. All these articles in the paper:
"Is Gladiators too violent? And what are we doing watching it?
Is it really good for us to watch?
Is it too violent?"
NO! Fuck it! Give these guys chain saws!
Let them fuck each other up good.
It's not violent enough.
Let these fuckin' morons kill each other in that God Damn pit!
Give them chainsaws an...
I want to see a fuckin railway
spike go through their eyeballs.
How about this? Give everyone in the audience a pistol.
"There, you fuckers...
See who comes out alive!"
You know, I'm tired of this false fuckin sanctimonious morality about life.
"Ain't life keen"
"Let's pat ourselves on the back."
Fuck you!
They want to kill each other, I'm filming it.
I had a great idea for the movies. No one wants to fucking hear it, I don't know why?
I was watching Terminator 2 and I'm thinking to myself, these are the most amazing stunts I have ever seen.
A hundred million dollars it cost to make this film.
How are they ever gonna top these stunts in a movie again? There's no way.
Unless...
...they start using terminally ill people...
Hear me out...
...as stuntmen in pictures.
Okay, not the most popular idea ever,
but I prefaced it with that.
What, you know, some of will probably
think that's cruel, don't you?
"Ooh it's cruel, terminally ill stunt people, Bill...
How cruel."
You know what I think what cruel is?
Leaving your loved ones to die in some
sterile hospital room, surrounded by strangers.
Fuck that! Put 'em in the movies!
Whaaat? Do you want your grandmother dying
like a little bird in some hospital room?
Her translucent skin so thin you can see her
last heartbeat work its way down her blue veins...
Or you want her to meet Chuck Norris?
Why be so selfish as to deprive her of that thrill?
"Tom how come you dressed my grandmother up as a mugger?"
"Shut up and get off the set. Action!
Push her towards Chuck."
"Wow he kicked her head right off her body!
Did you see that? Did you see my grannie?
She's out of her misery. I just saw the
greatest fucking movie of my life. Cool!"
Okay not the most popular idea ever.
All I'm saying is people are dying every day,
and movies are getting more and more boring.
I am the weaver.
"Is American Gladiators too violent?
Ooh I don't know."
Watch the fucking news man,
it's frightening. What could be worse.
You watch the news these days you know,
it's unbelievable.
You think you just walk out your door,
you're immediately going to be raped by some
crack-addicted, aids-infected, pit-bull, you know.
Horrible news stories, you know.
"Honey, I'm gonna check the mail...
Whaddya we stay inside tonight baby?
Lets the pizza delivery guy deal with that shit out there."
"Hello, pizza delivery, could you
send another car over please.
I know that's your third one,
that last guy almost made it.
I can almost reach the pizza box with the broom handle."
How come those pit bulls are eating your driver
but they're not touching that fucking pizza?
What do they know that we don't know, hellooo?"
Pretty soon we're all gonna be locked inside our homes
with no one on the street but pizza
delivery guys and armoured cars
with turrets shooting pizzas through
the mail-slots of our front doors.
Every house will glow with American Gladiators beamed in.
"We are free - keep repeating - we are free!"
The news is just apocalyptic.
Didn't you think with the Cold War being over,
things should have gotten better.
How many of y'all were as stupid
as I was in believing that?
Wow, it's over - 40 years of threat of nuclear weapons -
it's over, cool, cool... Wrong!
Now 12 different countries have nuclear weapons.
It just got 12 times as bad, fuck you!
Life is harder now. Work hard!
Oops...jobs are scarce, fuck you!
By the way if anyone here is in
advertising or marketing... kill yourself.
No, no, no it's just a little thought.
I'm just trying to plant seeds.
Maybe one day, they'll take root - I don't know.
You try, you do what you can. Kill yourself.
Seriously though, if you are, do.
No really, there's no rationalisation for
what you do and you are Satan's little helpers.
Okay - kill yourself - seriously. You are the ruiner
of all things good, seriously. No this is not a joke,
You're going, "there's going to be a joke coming,"
there's no fucking joke coming.
You are Satan's spawn
filling the world with bile and garbage.
You are fucked and you are fucking us. Kill yourself.
It's the only way to save your fucking soul, kill yourself.
Planting seeds. I know all the marketing people are going,
"he's doing a joke..." there's no joke here whatsoever.
Suck a tail-pipe, fucking hang yourself,
borrow a gun from a Yank friend
I don't care how you do it. Rid the world
of your evil fucking makinations. Machi...
Whatever, you know what I mean.
I know what all the marketing people are thinking
right now too: "Oh, you know what Bill's doing?
He's going for that anti-marketing dollar.
That's a good market, he's very smart."
Oh man, I am not doing that.
You fucking evil scumbags!
"Ooh, you know what Bill's doing now, he's going for
the righteous indignation dollar. That's a big dollar.
A lot of people are feeling that indignation.
We've done research - huge market.
He's doing a good thing."
Godammit, I'm not doing that, you scum-bags!
Quit putting a godamm dollar sign
on every fucking thing on this planet!
"Ooh, the anger dollar. Huge. Huge in times of recession.
Giant market, Bill's very bright to do that."
God, I'm just caught in a fucking web.
"Ooh the trapped dollar, big dollar, huge dollar.
Good market - look at our research.
We see that many people feel trapped.
If we play to that and then separate
them into the trapped dollar..."
How do you live like that? And I bet you sleep
like fucking babies at night, don't you?
"What you did tonight honey?" - "Oh, we made...ah... we made...ah...arsenic a childhood food now, goodnight."
"Yeah, we just said, you know: is
your baby really too loud? you know...
Yeah... the mums will love it."
Sleep like fucking children, don't ya,
this is your world isn't it?
But, you know, I saw this movie this year
called, last year called, uh...'Basic Instinct'.
Okay now. Bill's quick capsule review:
Piece-of-Shit.
Okay now. Yeah, yeah, end of story by the way.
Don't get caught up in that fevered hype phoney
fucking debate about that Piece-of-Shit movie.
"Is it too sexist, and what about
the movies, are they becoming too..."
You're, you're just confused, you don't get,
you've forgotten how to judge correctly.
Take a deep breath huuh, look at it again.
"Oh it's a Piece-of-Shit!"
Exactly, that's all it is.
Satan squatted, let out a loaf,
they put a fucking title on it, put it on a marquee,
Satan's shit, piece of shit, walk away.
"But is it too...?
what about the lesbian connotat...?"
You're, you're getting really baffled here. Piece-of-Shit!
Now walk away. That's all it is, it's nothing more!
Free yourself folks, if you see it,
Piece-of-Shit, say it and walk away.
You're right! You're right!
Not those fuckers who want to tell you
how to think! You're fucking right!
Sorry, wrong meeting again.
I keep getting my days mixed up.
Tomorrow, it's the meeting at the docks.
Tonight it's comedy entertainment with young Bill.
Horrible film...
And then I come to find out after that film,
that all of the lesbian sex scenes,
let me repeat that, all...
...all the lesbian sex scenes were cut out of that film,
because the test audience was turned off by them.
Boy, is my thumb not on the pulse of America.
I don't want to seem like Randy Pan, the Goat Boy,
but...uh...that was the only reason
I went to that piece of shit.
If I had been in that test audience,
the only one out front, protesting that film, would have been
Michael Douglas, demanding his part be put back in, alright?
"I swear I was in that movie. I swear I was."
"Gee Mike, the movie started.
Sharon Stone was eating another woman
for an hour and a half.
Then the credits rolled.
I...uh...I don't remember seeing
your scrawny ass, Mike."
"Was Bill Hicks in that test audience?"
Goat boy called it like he saw it Mikey.
You made your 14 mill, now hit the fucking road.
Goat boy has invited some people over
to see the video premiere...
...of the Goat-Boy Edited Version.
I am Goat boy.
"What do you want, Goat Boy?
You big old smelly, shaggy thing?"
Goat Boy is here to please you.
"How?"
Tie me to your headboard,
throw your legs over my shoulders
and let me wear you like a feed-bag
Hold onto my horns.
"Goat-Booooy!"
Yes, my love?
"You're a big old smelly thing."
I need professional help at this point
I think I need a priest at this point.
- "Forgive me Father for I have sinned."
- "What have you done my son?"
- Well, I said the word 'fuck' gratuitously.
- Yes and what else, my son?
- I lied.
- Yes and what else my son?
- That's about all, oh, oh, one thing,
I keep thinking I'm a randy goat,
fucking everyone."
Unless of course it's a woman priest,
in which case it'll go like this:
"Forgive me Father for what I'm about to do."
People ask me what I think about
that woman priest thing, you know?
What, a woman priest?
Women priests. Great, great.
Now there's priests of both sexes I don't listen to.
Fuck, I don't care.
Have a hermaphrodite one.
I don't fucking care.
Have one with three dicks and eight titties.
I don't , I don't...
Have one with gills and a trunk.
That would be cool.
I might go see that, you know, but...
You know, I appreciate your quaint traditions and superstitions.
I on the other hand am an evolved being
who deals solely with the source of life,
which exists in all of our hearts.
That middle man thing, it's wacky and I appreciate it...
Gotta run, there's a voice callin' me.
Now you guys are totally weird sexually. Here's why.
Oh yeah, coming from Goat Boy, oh boy.
"Yes Bill, and how is that?"
"That we have human sex? Does that bother you Bill?"
"Goat Boy finds that disgusting. Where is the fun in that?"
Goat Boy loves young girls.
"Hi Goat Boy you big old smelly thing.
Ooh you smell like an old boot.
- I don't see you running away.
- I'm not scared of you...
Besides, your eyes are really kind and peaceful."
Except for that fire that burns real far deep inside of 'em."
"Oh Goat Boy, what's that?"
"That is my purple wand, and my hairy sack of magic."
"You do tricks?"
"What can you do with that?"
"Goat Boy can make a bell ring in your stomach"
"What does that bell mean?"
- It calls Goat Boy to dinner.
- Goat Boy, aargh!"
"Okay Bill, stop with the Goat boy thing, we get it alright."
"It's kinda amusing but let's... okay."
You don't like Goat boy?
Goat boy is hurt by your indifference.
He wanted you to come dance with him in the pastures.
Goat Boy wants to string flowers through
your hair, and on your head.
- "Why do you like young girls Goat Boy?
- Because you are beautiful.
There's nothing between your legs,
it's like a wisp of cotton candy framing a paper cut.
And turn you around and open your cheeks,
it's like a little pink quivering rabbit nostril.
Oh how cute!
I bet your asshole tastes better than
most girls' pussies. Come here.
Goat Boooy...!"
"Shaggy old thing. I'm not going to kiss you,
I don't know where your mouth's been."
Do you want me to tell you?
"Okay Bill, seriously, the Goat Boy thing,
it's getting weird."
Except for some of my goat children.
"Mooore, Faaather, mooore, more Goat Boy, Faather."
"We are your goat children. We too lay in
the forest waiting for young virgins to come."
But you guys are weird, get this:
I'm walking down through the West End
one day, right, and this bus-load of tourists
from Iowa gets off the bus. Big cow people, right?
Bump into me and I go flying into this adult bookstore.
And my hands were in my pockets and I
took em out and money flew out of my hands
and wafted down onto the cash register
and this guy hands me a magazine.
How embarrassing. I go home immediately
to the hotel and throw it away.
Toward the garbage, it breaks open, face up on the bed.
Give me a break, Lord!
But I'm looking at your British hard-core pornography
which I just spent hard-core fucking dollars for.
And I'm going, "something's wrong with this."
Goat Boy will figure it out!
I realise it's porno yeah just what we know and love,
but there's blue dots covering all the
good shit! Woah, whaaat's going on?
There's a guy standing there like this.
There's a woman kneeling, well... I believe she was like this.
And there's this big blue dot right here.
What the fuck!
This comes off I hope.
What you gotta buy the blue dot eraser separately,
what the fuck?
I'm an adult. Don' t protect me. Let's go!
Goat Boy wants his money back.
And then I see a club in the West end that has
this marquee sign, says "Live Sex Show On Stage".
I thought what a bummer actually have
to be the guy that holds the blue dot.
Alright
But what's weird is, that's your hard core porno,
then you go home, turn on Channel 4 late at night,
there's people fucking yeah they're right there.
No blue dot, just people fucking right
there. Free, no money, people fucking.
It's a foreign film, it's art all of a sudden. Hey,
Everyone happy? There you go, it's art, godammit.
Alright, I see. You pay, you get ripped
off - free, you get it all. Dig it, love it!
I am available for children's parties by the way.
"Mommy, I want Goat Boy to come play at our house."
But, you know...
Pot, right.
They lie about marijuana. Tell you pot-smoking makes you unmotivated. Liiiiieee!
When you're high, you can do
everything you normally do, just as well,
you just realize, it's not worth the fucking effort.
There is a difference.
Sure I can get up at dawn,
go to a job I hate, that does not inspire me creatively whatsoever,
for the rest of my fucking life.
Or I can wake up at noon...
...and learn how to play the sitar!
Pretty simple when it's spelled out
in black and white isn't it?
Only thing I've ever heard about pot,
is that pot might lower sperm count.
Good!
There's too many fucking people in the world.
Someone needs to say that, by the way.
Tired of this, "Hey aren't we the coolest. Humans are so neat."
Too many of you. Quit rutting, just for
a fucking day. Let's work out this food/air deal.
Then go back to your rutting.
But I'll tell you this. Where's this idea that childbirth is a miracle came from?
I missed that fucking meeting, okay?
"It's a miracle, childbirth is a miracle."
No it's not. No more than a miracle than
eating food and a turd coming out of your ass.
It's a chemical reaction, that's all it fucking is.
If, you wanna know what a miracle is...
Raisin' a kid that doesn't talk in a movie theatre.
Okay, there, there, there is a goddam miracle!
It's not a miracle if every nine months
any yin yang in the world can drop a
litter of mewling cabbages on our planet.
And just in case you haven't seen
the single mom statistics lately,
the miracle is spreading like wild-fire.
"Hallelujah!" Trailer parks and council flats
all over the world just filling up with little miracles.
Like frogs laying eggs.
"Look at all my little miracles, thunk,
filling up my trailer like a sardine can.".
"You know what would be a real miracle,
if I could remember your daddy's name..."
"I guess I'll have to call you Lorry Driver Junior."
"That's all I remember about your daddy was
his fuzzy little pot-belly riding on top of me...
...shooting his caffeine ridden semen into my belly"
"to produce my little water-headed miracle baby"
"There's your brother, Pizza Boy Delivery Junior."
Hallelujah!
Hold on for a minute, let's figure
out this food/air deal okay? Okay.
I'm just weird, you know?
How about have a neat world for kids to come to?
Okay, it's me, fuck it!
Drop 'em like fucking flies, boom,
just fill up the world with'em.
I just don't get it you know, I mean
I'm sorry man, you know kids are fine,
just keep em away from me. Alright there, alright.
Now get this, I've been travelling all over the country on British Air.
No smoking on British Air. Now let me get this straight, no smoking, right, but they allow children.
Little fairness?
"Well smoking bothers me."
Well guess what?
I was on this one flight right, I'm flying,
I'm sleeping on the plane, I'm fucking "knackered".
Very tired, right, and I feel this tapping on my head.
And I look up and there's this little kid...
...loose! On the fucking plane, he's just loose.
It's his playground in the sky.
And he has decided that his job...
...is to repetitively tap me on the top of the head.
I look across the aisle at his mom.
She's just smiling, you know...
Guy next to the mom goes, "They're
so cute when they're that small."
Isn't that amazing, letting your
kid run loose on a fucking plane.
And then the kid runs over to the emergency exit
and he starts flipping that handle to the door.
And the guy next to the mom starts
to get up, and I go, "Wait a minute...
...we're about to learn an important lesson right here."
"Why you're right, the smaller he gets, the cuter he is."
God, I wish I had a camera right now.
With a telescopic lens.
Like to get a picture of his face
when his pudgy little legs hit that farmhouse down there.
Aah, aah, kids....
Stewardess, since we got a breeze in here, can we smoke now?
Fairly well circulated at this point.
True story. But, you know...
Why is marijuana against the law?
It grows naturally upon our planet.
Doesn't the idea of making nature against
the law seem to you a bit paranoid?
You know what I mean?
It's nature. How do you make nature against the fucking law?
It grows everywhere, serves a thousand
different functions, all of them positive.
To make marijuana against the law,
is like saying God made a mistake.
You know what I mean, it's like God on
the seventh day looked down on his creation:
"There it is, my creation, perfect and
holy in all ways. Now, I can rest."
"Oh my me."
"I left fucking pot everywhere."
"I should never have smoked that joint on the third day...
...shit."
"That was the day I created possums.
Still gives me a chuckle."
"If I leave pot everywhere...
...that's gonna give humans the impression
they're supposed to...'use' it."
"Now I have to create Republicans."
And God wept. I believe is the next verse.
You know what I mean? I believe that God left
certain drugs growing naturally upon our planet
to help speed up and facilitate our evolution.
Okay, not the most popular idea ever expressed.
Either that or you're real high and agreeing with me
in the only way you can right now.
"I forgot the code, is it two blinks yes, one blink no?"
Do you think magic mushrooms growing atop cow shit was an accident?
Where do you think the phrase, "that's good shit" came from?
Why do you think Hindus
think cows are holy?
Holy shit!
Why do I think McDonalds is the Anti-Christ?
That's God little accelerator pad for our evolution.
Let's think about this, man. For billions of years
- sorry fundamentalists - we were nothing but apes.
Probably too stupid to catch a cow, you know....
"I think we can go to the moon..."
That is exactly how it fucking happened.
Except for the marketing people whose belief is:
"No, it was proven that uh it might be
a good market on the moon and, uh...
and a lot of people went up there,
good numbers, good space numbers..."
Save your story of creation, please...
Not all drugs are good, now. Okay?
Some of em are great.
Just gotta know your way around'em, that's all.
Yeah, I've had good times on drugs.
I've had bad times on drugs too...
I mean shit, look at this haircut.
There are dangers.
I think some of y'all have tripped
here before perhaps, yeah?
I used to love tripping, man. There's
always one guy when you're tripping
who wants you to do something to enhance
the trip. You know what I'm talking about?
"You're tripping? Oh duuude, you gotta play miniature golf."
Yeah, that's exactly what I was thinking, man.
I'm just sitting over here watching the
pyramids be built by UFOs right now, but...
...get me to that fucking golf course.
I'm watching Jesus flying around on a
unicorn, but I bet that little miniature golf
would be just the thing to make this trip peak.
So you guys can use your legs, huh?
No, it's just that I'm turning into a fish right now,
and, uh, how 'bout I meet you there later?
Thanks, I'm pretty fucking high right now.
Thank you.
You know. You just gotta be careful,
I don't know what you gotta be, fuck it.
We got pulled over tripping on acid one night,
pulled over by the cops. Don't recommend it.
Cops don't appreciate
fish driving around.
They frown on that.
Long night, man. Cops were tapping on this window.
We're staring at him in this mirror.
"How tall are you?"
"A liddle cop, look at him!"
"How does he drive that big fucking car?"
"There could be thousands of them, shit!
What are we gonna do?"
"Let's put him in the jar."
Made perfect sense at that moment.
Put him in a jar, poke some holes in the lid,
leave him by the road.
"You'll never get us copper. Haha."
"We'll send some little firemen to let you out."
"Hey I bet they know where the miniature golf course is!"
"Boo! Haha.. Fuck it, they scared us."
"Son, you wanna stand up please?"
"I just found the driver."
"We don't need a driver, we're playing miniature golf."
True story. Now, later, when I was released...
...I mean spiritually...I feel...
"- I need to see some ID.
- I'm me, he's him, you're you."
"Put your hands against the car please."
"Which one?"
"The UFO, the unicorn or your cruiser?"
Drugs have done good things for us,
if you don't believe they have, do me a favour
take all your albums, tapes and CDs
and burn'em 'cause you know what...?
the musicians who made that great music that
has enhanced your lives throughout the years?...
...rrreeeal fucking high.
And these other musicians today who don't
do drugs and in fact speak out against them?...
...Boy, do they suck!
What a coincidence!
Ball-less, souless, spiritless corporate
little bitches, suckers of Satan's cock,
each and every one of them.
"We're rock stars against drugs 'cause
that's what the President wants."
Aw, suck Satan's cock!
That's what we want isn't it,
government approved rock'n roll?
"Whooh, we're partying now!"
"We're rock stars who do Pepsi Cola commercials."
Suck Satan's cock. Put that big scaly pecker down your gullet.
Drink that black worm jizzum.
Drink it! Fill your little bellies.
"Send in Vanilla Ice."
"Hello Vanilla."
"Says here on your application, you have
no talent, and yet you want to be a star."
"I think something can be arranged."
"Whuh. Suck Satan's cock."
"I will lower the standards of the earth."
"I will put 56 channels of American Gladiators on every tv."
"I will put all the money in the hands of 14 year old girls."
"They will think you are charismatic, deep and edgy."
"Send in MC Hammer on your way out."
"Hello Hammer...
...Back again, huh?"
Boy, that Hammer. There was another boat that left me on the island, man.
"Bill, are you gonna get on the Hammer boat with us?"
"No, I'd rather stay here and eat my own flesh."
Totally mystifying.
I mean, you know you could sit and explain it
to me from now until, well, the end of time,
and I'll go, "Fucking don't get it, man."
I, It.. it's geni.. it's con, genital? it's uh genetic!.
Maybe it is genital, Hay, wait a minute. Freud, come here!
"Hammer's a great dancer."
Whaaat? The guy's gotta a sand crab in his knickers.
He's not dancing, he's having a fit!
That's Satan's sperm eating its way through the lining of his stomach.
"15 minutes almost up, Hammer!"
"Send in Marky Mark."
It's good for your voice.
Hey, don't fuck with me, man.
You know what I mean though, am I the only one who's fucking lost here?
You never see positive drugs stories on the news, do ya. Isn't that weird?
'Cause most of the experiences I've had on drugs, were real fucking positive.
Who are these morons they're finding that's what I wanna know.
I used to want to call the news:
"Come over to our house!"
"Watch Tommy's, he's a pig, film him!"
"He's been doing that for hours. He's killing us. You getting all that?"
You know what I mean. Always that same LSD story, you've all seen it.
"Young man on acid, thought he could fly,
jumped out of a building. What a tragedy."
What a dick, fuck him!
He's an idiot.
If he thought he could fly, why didn't he take off from the ground first?
Check it out. You don't see ducks lining up
to catch elevators to fly South.
They fly from the ground, you moron.
Quit ruining it for everybody.
He's a moron, he's dead, good.
We lost a moron, fucking celebrate.
Boy I just felt the world get lighter - we lost a moron.
Put on the Hammer album, I'm ready to dance!
"We lost a moron."
I don't mean to sound cold or cruel or vicious,
but I am, so that's the way it comes out.
Professional help is being sought.
How about a positive LSD story?
Wouldn't that be news-worthy, just the once,
to base your decision on information rather than scare tactics
and superstition and lies?
Just once.
I think it would be news-worthy.
"Today, a young man on acid realised that all matter is merely energy condensed
to a slow vibration. That we are all one
consciousness experiencing itself subjectively.
There is no such thing as death, life is
only a dream and we're the imagination of ourselves."
"Here's Tom with the weather."
You've been fantastic and I hope you enjoyed it.
There is a point, is there a point to all of this?
Let's find a point.
Is there a point to my act? I would say there is.
I have to.
The world is like a ride in an amusement park.
And when you choose to go on it, you think it's real
because that's how powerful our minds are.
And the ride goes up and down and round and round.
It has thrills and chills and it's very brightly
coloured and it's very loud and it's fun, for a while.
Some people have been on the ride for
a long time and they begin to question:
"is this real, or is this just a ride?"
And other people have remembered, and they
come back to us, they say, "hey - don't worry,
don't be afraid, ever, because, this is just a ride..."
And we... kill those people.
"Shut him up."
"We have a lot invested in this ride.
Shut him up. Look at my furrows of worry."
"Look at my big bank account and my family.
This just has to be real."
Just a ride. But we always kill those
good guys who try and tell us that,
you ever notice that? And let the demons run amok.
But it doesn't matter because: It's just a ride.
And we can change it anytime we want.
It's only a choice. No effort, no work, no job, no savings and money.
A choice, right now, between fear and love.
The eyes of fear want you to put bigger locks on your doors,
buy guns, close yourself off. The eyes
of love, instead, see all of us as one.
Here's what we can do to change the world, right now, to a better ride.
Take all that money that we spend on weapons and defences each year
and instead spend it feeding and clothing and educating the poor of the world,
which it would many times over, not one human being excluded,
and we could explore space, together,
both inner and outer, forever, in peace.
Thank you very much, you've been great.
I hope you enjoyed it.
London, you were fantastic, thank you,
thank you very much...
It's just a ride, it's just a ride...
Hope you enjoyed it
Thanks to Pablo H. Gianella (for subtitle times)
In Bill Hicks memory... Thank you!