Good morning, housewives.
And a very special good morning
to the housewife who lives
at 26 Fairmile Road, Derby.
Yes, it's you, Mrs. Beryl Heseltine,
your great day, because
I've got birthday greetings for you
from your husband Charles,
your son Harry,
not forgetting the girls next door.
'They've chosen for you
'Kenneth McKellar singing
"Song of the Clyde".
'And here he is. '
# I'll sing of a river
I'm happy beside
# The song that I sing
is the song of the Clyde
# Of all Scottish rivers
it's dearest to me
# it flows from the hills
all the way to the sea
# It borders the orchards
of Lanark so fair
# Meanders through meadows
with sheep grazing there
# But from Glasgow to Greenock
in towns on each side
# The hammer's ding-dong
is the song of the Clyde
She likes to sing
when she does her housework.
That applies to a lot of you.
But, actually, I'm talking
to Mrs. Ritchie of Flat 43,
Priory House, West Bromwich.
'Your niece Eileen has written to me
asking for your favourite tune
'and it's coming up now. '
'Now, I've quite a few names.
'There's Mrs. Joyce Tucker
of 74 Clement Attlee Way, Nottingham.
'Mrs. Rhoda Elliott
of London Road, Slough.
'There's Mrs. Rose Chester
of Cartmell Drive, Lincoln.
'And last but not least,
Mrs. Betty Bullock.
'Now, congratulations for you,
Mrs. Bullock, on your 70th birthday.
'I don't know your address,
but wherever you're listening,
'I hope you and the neighbours
will enjoy hearing Litolff's scherzo'.
- Ee, they've never sent my book.
- Here's your tea, Mother.
They've not played
that record of mine yet.
It must be at the bottom
of the pile, my name.
- Them curtains could do with a wash.
- Oh, shut up, Mother.
Where's his bloody Lordship?
She wants to go up with a wet dishcloth
and wring it over his face.
- He wants a bloody good hiding.
- I've shouted him three times.
That'd shift him.
He'd have to get up then.
Every morning the same!
Hey, you up there, come on!
Get out of it!
'It was a big day for us.
'We had won the war in Ambrosia.
'Democracy was back once more
in our beloved country. '
Go up and kick him out.
He's bloody idle.
- She lets him do just as he likes.
- Go up to him yourself.
Do you hear me?
Bloody well get up!
Squad, eyes left!
Eyes left!
Battalion, by the left, salute!
'It is often wondered
how left-handed salutes,
'peculiar to our republic,
originated.
'This is a tribute to the seven
survivors of the Battle of Wakefield,
'all of whom, by coincidence,
have lost their right arms. '
By the left...
salute!
Billy,
your boiled egg's stone cold!
Well, come on, then!
It's nearly half past nine.
I'll not tell you again.
All right, I'm coming.
'Today is a day of big decisions.
'I'm going to start writing me novel,
'2,000 words every day.
'I'm going to start
getting up in the morning.
'Well, I might as well
cut that for a start.
'Yes.
'Today is a day
'of big decisions. '
Don't go making fresh tea for him.
You've enough to do
without cooking six breakfasts.
That was a blackie postman
just went past the window.
Ee, they're all darkies now.
There's blackie bus conductors
and blackie nurses.
They can't get work, you know,
in South Africa.
- Ee!
- Go on, ignorant, knock her over.
A cabinet change is imminent.
You'll be imminent
if you don't get up.
- Good morning, Father.
- Get on with it, lad.
You're half an hour late already.
Good morning, Mater.
How are you?
- She lets him do as he likes.
- I'm your most obedient servant.
You can stop that bloody game.
Hey, it's you I'm talking to!
What time did you get in last night?
More like this bloody morning!
I really couldn't say.
About half past eleven.
Yeah, more like one o'clock.
I'm not having you
gallivanting about all hours.
- Who are you having gallivanting about?
- I'll give you a thick ear!
And what were you doing down
at Foley Bottoms at nine last night?
- Who said I was at Foley Bottoms?
- Never mind who says.
You were there, and it wasn't
that Barbara you were with.
He wants to make up his mind
who he's with.
He goes out with too many lasses.
He's like a lass himself.
You want to tell whoever saw me
to mind their own fizzing business.
It is our business,
and don't you be so cheeky.
If Barbara's coming for tea,
I shall tell her so don't think I won't.
You never play fair with that girl.
I'm surprised she bothers with you.
He's not old enough
to stop out half the night.
- One.
- It's every bloody night alike.
- Two.
- Come in at a proper bloody time.
- Three.
- Or live somewhere else.
- Perhaps I will do.
- You what?
I've been offered a job in London.
Ee, there's been a lot
of twins born lately.
I said I have been offered
a job in London.
- What bloody job?
- How do you mean?
A job scriptwriting.
Scriptwriting! He can't write his name
so that anybody can read it.
How do you mean, scriptwriting?
I've told you. Boon, Danny Boon,
the television comedian.
He's in town
opening the new supermarkets.
I sent him some of me scripts.
He's read 'em.
He's read 'em and he likes 'em.
Sent me this letter... Look.
He's offered me a job in London.
He likes my material.
How do you mean,
he likes your material?
This is Danny Boon, right?
And this pepper pot
is my material, right?
Right?
Danny Boon sees my flaming material
so he flaming well asks me for it!
Here, here, here!
Watch your language.
Flaming this and that.
- He's gone too far.
- Do you want to know or don't you?
Because if you want to know,
I'll tell you,
and if you don't want to know,
I'll shut up.
- Right. Try again...
- You just eat your breakfast.
- Plus get your mucky self washed.
- And get to work.
Why don't you see he gets dressed
before he comes down?
She wants to burn his raincoat.
Fling it on the fireback.
Then he'd have to get dressed.
Spoiled him all your life.
I knew it would be my fault.
I don't know.
He won't have a job anywhere,
never mind London, at this rate.
He's not going to London.
That's one of his stories.
He can't say two words
without telling a lie.
What was he telling that woman
about me having me leg off?
Do I look as if I've had my leg off?
You'll have to stop
making things up, Billy.
There's no sense in it at your age.
We never know where we are with you.
I mean, you're too old
for things like that now.
I don't know
what we're going to do with you.
Oh, my God, how dreary.
Billy's pissed again.
So glad you're going to London,
you old loafer.
Simone and I were thinking of kicking
you out of the old nest any day now.
Better come into the library,
and we'll talk about the money end.
And keep your hands off
my bloody razor in future!
Seventeen.
You can't call anything your own
in this house, can you?
Hey, shirt.
When are you going
to unlock that wardrobe?
- Why?
- Because I say so.
- I've got me private things in there.
- Never mind things.
I've got shirts and socks and pants
waiting to go in there.
It's not natural
to keep a wardrobe locked up.
- A lad of your age!
- Well, it's my wardrobe.
Who paid for it?
It's our wardrobe.
Get it unlocked and leave it unlocked,
if you don't mind.
If it isn't unlocked when I get back,
I'll smash the bloody thing open.
Oh, flaming calendars!
'It's a good heart that says no ill
but a better heart that thinks none. '
I don't think.
'Those who bring sunshine
into the lives of others
'cannot keep it from themselves. '
Did you spend the postage money?
Was that the size of it?
'You were given these calendars
to post last Christmas.
'All right, Billy boy, on your feet.
'William Terence Fisher,
I have a warrant for your arrest
'on the charge that you did,
willfully and knowingly,
'misappropriate 270 calendars,
'the property of your employers,
Messrs Shadrack & Duxbury... '
Well, Fisher,
you've certainly earned
your remission.
You've used your time well.
This is the finest expose
of prison life I've ever read.
Thank you, sir.
I think you'll get your reforms now.
A great many MPs are on our side.
Not only MPs, Fisher.
- From us all.
- Thank you.
Good bye.
- Been nice knowing you.
- Bye.
Welcome home, Billy.
- Come on, lad. Come on.
- All right.
- Aren't you ready yet?
- Just a minute.
You'll never get to work
at this rate, never mind London.
You'll set off one of these days
and meet yourself coming back.
- Just off, Mother.
- Don't hurry yourself.
'It's five to ten. '
Er, actually, I've just been thinking.
I might as well give me notice in today
if I'm going to London.
You want to make up your mind
what you do want to do.
Well... work for Danny Boon.
How do you know? You've never
done that sort of thing before.
You can't switch and change
and swap about
just when you feel like it.
- You've got your living to earn now.
- You worry too much.
Ta-ra, Gran. Ta-ra, Mum.
'An Ashanti tribesman
had a small son. '
- Good morning, Billy.
- Oh, good morning.
'If I can get to the end of the street
without opening me eyes,
'everything will be all right. '
You do know
that's the late Mr. Parkin in there?
We don't want a recurrence
of last week's fiasco, do we?
- Have you checked the oil at all?
- I have.
Extraordinary time to come to work.
I'm sorry, Mr. Shadrack,
only I spilt hot water down me arm.
I've been to the doctor's.
Must be going-home time.
Fisher's here.
- How long has Bighead been here?
- All night, I should think.
- Where did you say you'd been?
- To the doctor's.
- To the doctor's?
- To the doctor's.
- Kindly tell these good people why.
- I don't like the look of my wife.
I wish I'd come with you.
I hate the sight of mine.
Ha, ha, ha!
- Haven't you got work to do?
- Yes, Mr. Shadrack.
I'm trying to run
an up-to-date organisation here.
Far too much laxity.
Oh, Stamp,
I'd like to see your ashes list.
Watch it.
He's been going through all the books.
- He's in a terrible temper.
- Is he?
- Has he balanced the petty cash yet?
- I don't know.
- How much have you fiddled?
- Shut your head.
He thinks postage money
is part of his wages.
I've got something unpleasant
to say to Mr. Shadrack today.
You've got something
unpleasant to say?
- Anything I say would be unpleasant.
- Kindly leave the undertakers.
I'm giving in my notice today.
- You are?
- Wonderful comedian!
Shadrack and Duxbury,
funeral furnishers.
Oh, I'm sorry to hear that, madam.
When shall we call for him?
Shadrack to funeral fleet.
Shadrack to funeral fleet.
'Are you receiving me? Over. '
Receiving you loud and clear. Over.
State your position, please.
State your position. Over.
We're just turning into Sheepgate
from the memorial.
Traffic at Coal Lane junction
is holding us up. Over.
'Suggest you divert cortge.
'Repeat: suggest you divert cortege
down new bypass.
'Acknowledge, please. '
Message received.
Roger and out.
Come on, shift.
Any doctor's papers
amongst all this rubbish?
Hey, what are writing
to Godfrey Winn for?
Shut up.
Oh, it's not him. It's his mother.
'Housewives' Choice"?
Hey!
"Dear sir, could you play
"Just a Song at Twilight" for me?
- "It is my favourite song".
- Do you bloody mind?
Sorry, love. Is that the Midland Hotel?
Reception, please.
"My husband used to sing it to me
when we were a little bit younger".
- I bet!
- Get it off him.
- Come on, Stamp.
- No, no. Listen to this bit.
"My son also writes songs,
"but there's not much chance for him
as he has not had the training.
"We are just ordinary folk".
Signed: A Fisher, Mrs.
Come on.
Well, I'm not ordinary folk,
even if she is.
Hello, reception?
Could I speak to Mr. Boon, please?
Danny Boon.
Will you tell him it's Mr. Fisher?
- I've got that job.
- You haven't.
Scriptwriter. I start next week.
You jammy devil.
How much is he paying you?
We haven't discussed terms yet
but it's more than I'm getting here.
I'm sorry. Mr. Boon's not taking
any calls at the moment.
Oh, Mr. Boon?
Fisher this end.
Oh, very well, thank you.
How are you?
Oh, that's marvellous, yes.
I don't want
to bother you at the moment,
but I was wondering,
would three o'clock be a good time
for me to come and see you?
Oh, good.
Yes, I'll bring some of my material.
Er, the Nell Gwynn suite, is it?
Yes, I thought so.
Oh, that's marvellous.
Look forward to seeing you then.
Fine. Bye.
- And success!
- Good morning.
It's all right.
It's only me mother.
I brought the key.
I shall be out this afternoon.
What did you want
to come here for?
Could have got in the window.
You're not getting in
through no window.
How's your father, Billy?
Is he still in hospital?
Er, yes, yes.
He's quite comfortable, though.
What does the specialist say
about his leg?
It might have to come off
but they haven't seen the X-rays.
- There's still a good chance.
- Oh. How's your sister?
- Oh, fine, fine.
- What bloody sister?
"How's your sister?"
"Oh, she's very well".
"How's your husband?
Is he still on the buses?"
"Yes, he's still on the buses".
'April is the cruelest month.
A smile can make it better.
'It takes 60 muscles to frown,
but only 13 to smile: June.
'Kindness in another's troubles,
courage in your own: August.
'Think all you speak
but speak not all you think: December. '
'Speak all you think
but think not all you speak. '
'Speak all you speak
but speak not all you think!'
- Just a minute!
- Come on.
- Are you writing out your will?
- Naff off, Stamp.
Hey, no writing mucky words
on the wall.
Look, get lost, will you?
Bet you're reading a mucky book.
Bet you are,
reading a mucky book.
"His hand caressed her silken knee".
Haven't you any work to do, Stamp?
Waiting to go into the toilet,
Mr. Shadrack.
Some of you
spend too much time down here.
Far too much time.
Better go up to the office.
I've got to go out.
Is that you, Mr. Shadrack?
Is that you, Mr. Shadrack?
Yes. There's someone
waiting to come in there.
I was wondering if I could have
a word with you before you go out.
Eh?
I was wondering if I could have
a word before you go out.
Yes, I've been thinking
it's about time we had a little talk.
I haven't got time now, Fisher.
See me at lunchtime.
Very good, Mr. Shadrack.
Good morning, Mr. Duxbury.
It's Councillor Duxbury, Fisher.
Councillor Duxbury, that's my title.
You wouldn't call Lord Harewood "Mr.,"
would you?
Councillor. Now think on.
- "It's Councillor Duxbury, Fisher".
- "Aye".
- "Councillor, that's my title".
- Billy!
- "Aye".
- "Aye".
- I'll see you round the corner.
- Yeah.
- Hello, darling.
- Hello, pet.
Where are you taking me for coffee?
I have to go
to the town planning office.
- They're pulling all this down.
- Oh.
Sometimes I think
you're avoiding me, Billy.
- Why?
- We are supposed to be engaged.
- Of course we're engaged.
- Have you told your mother and father?
We'll announce it
when you come for your tea tomorrow.
All right.
- It's a lovely ring, isn't it?
- Mmm, it's lovely.
You don't think
it needs altering or anything?
- No, no, it's just right.
- Well, suit yourself.
I must dash, darling. Bit of a hurry.
- See you later.
- Yes, bye, pet.
- Well, where's that ring?
- That's just it, Rita.
I've been to the jeweler's
and it's not ready.
You'd better get it back quick,
else there'll be trouble.
- Hey, Rita.
- Yeah?
- Four cheeseburgers ready.
- Four cheeseburgers, love.
- Dream about me while I'm gone.
- Sure thing, baby.
- What's she on about?
- The engagement ring.
What engagement ring? I thought
you were engaged to Barbara.
That's just the point. I am.
She had it first, Rita.
I got it off her to give to Barbara.
Now she wants it back.
- Rita?
- Yeah.
I told her
it was getting the stone fixed.
- Be hell to pay if she don't get it.
- I can't keep up with your sex life.
You know what's going to happen?
You're going to be up for bigamy.
So when's it going to be ready, then?
I'm very glad you asked me that
cos when I called round at the shop
the man told me
it might take another week.
- Oh, it might be another week.
- They've got three people off ill.
Off ill?
Oh, they've got three people off ill.
All having their legs off, I suppose!
Well, either I get that ring back
by this afternoon
or I'm going round
that jeweler's meself.
- No need...
- Another thing.
I thought I was coming round for my tea
to meet your rotten mother.
I can't wait for you
to meet Mum and Dad, Rita.
Only we've been flooded out.
All the pipes have burst.
Flooded out, are you?
I'm going to meet your mother,
whether you like it or not.
Either you get me that ring back
by this afternoon
or I'm coming round
to see your rotten mother.
And your rotten father.
And your rotten grandmother.
We're supposed to be engaged,
if you did but know it!
What are you gawping at?
Da-da da-da da da, oh!
Thank you.
"When I started out as a councilor,
"I had public conveniences,
I had them to look after".
"Nowt else for a young councilor".
"All this were fields
when I were a lad".
"I had nowt but one clog on me feet
in them days".
All right?
"I'll tell you what,
the workers nowadays,
"you give them tuppence a week,
they're not content".
- "They don't know they're born".
- "They're not content".
"They couldn't come it with me.
"There's always been an Olroyd
at Olroyd Mill
"and there always will be".
"Young lads come down
with their college ways
"and they want none of it".
- "You're not wrong".
- Hey.
- I say, is that that bird?
- What bird?
That bird that wanted you
to go to France with her.
- Do you mean Liz?
- Yes, where's she been this time?
She goes where she feels like.
- She's crazy. She just enjoys herself.
- What does she do?
Waitress, typist.
She worked at Butlin's last year.
She works till she's fed up.
Then she goes somewhere else.
Hello.
I'm fine.
Doncaster!
Doncaster!
Oh, God, what for?
Hey!
Can I what?
- Can I help you out?
- Yes!
- Sure. I'm skint.
- In the classics!
- Classics?
- Yes!
- Go on!
- All right?
- See you later.
- Bye.
Quiet, ladies! Please! Quiet!
Ladies and gentlemen...
It gives me great pleasure,
on behalf of City Foods Limited,
to invite Danny
to ceremoniously open this store.
Danny Boon!
It's all happening.
You've got a lot of relatives
here this morning.
Is that your auntie?
Oh, no, it's my auntie!
- Hello, darling. Still slimming?
- Yes, I am an' all.
It's all happening.
No, thank you.
I'm trying to give them up.
Oh, of course!
It's to cut the ribbon with, isn't it?
Just a minute,
before you take any more.
Could I have a pretty girl
from the audience
to come up and help me cut the tape,
any pretty girl?
Oh, we have got a lot
to choose from, haven't we?
What about you, darling?
You in the brown.
Would you mind coming up here?
There's a good girl.
A round of applause.
Very sporting girl. That's it.
What about a kiss
to start us off, eh?
- Ooh!
- It's all happened.
That's it. Smile at the camera.
Ready, girls?
Go on, Danny!
Give us an autograph!
Please!
He's dozed off.
- Hey.
- What?
- Got those things for you.
- What things?
Passion pills.
What I said I'd get for you.
Hey, let's have a look.
Where did you get 'em?
This mate of mine fetched them
back from Singapore.
I bet they're bloody aspirins.
Steady on!
You'll get the screaming abdabs.
One of these, two 2/9s at the Regal,
a bag of chips and you're away!
Good afternoon, sir.
- Isn't it time you lads packed up?
- Yes, we're just off, Councillor.
Ta-ra, Billy.
I'm just waiting to see
Mr. Shadrack, Councillor.
Well, you might give the floor
a bit of a wipe-up.
"'Idle Jack" or "Broad Acres",
'a novel by William Fisher,
chapter one.
'Ned Leather
nervously fingered his cap
'as he faced the portly owner
of Olroyd's Mill.
'"Sorry, lad.
"'No work...
"today,"
'he said.
'"Sorry, lad. No work today, "
he said. '
"Idle Jack," a novel by...
Bill... Fisher.
'No. A novel by William Fisher.
'William L Fisher.
William DL Fisher.
William D Lashwood Fisher.
'William Fingal O'Flaherty
Wills Fisher,
'a critical biography. '
Um, first of all, Mr. Shadrack,
I'd like to thank you for what has been
a very happy stay with the firm.
But I really do feel
that I must seize this...
this new opportunity
with both hands.
I'm sure you'll appreciate my position.
Of course, need I say,
the offer of a partnership
with yourself and Mr. Duxbury
is an extremely attractive
incentive for me,
but, unfortunately,
my ambitions lie in other fields.
Of course, London's a big place.
It's a very big place, Mr. Shadrack.
A man could lose himself in London.
Lose himself.
Lose himself.
Lo-oo-oo-see himself.
Lose himself in London!
Him-ah-self-ah!
Maaaaaaaaaaa.
Never in the field
of human conflict
has so much...
One, two, three, four, testing.
Emmanuel Shadrack, this is your life.
This is your life, Mr. Shadrack.
Your life,
Mi-ii-is-ter Sha-a-a-ad-rack.
Your life,
Shaddy-addy-addy-addy-ad rack!
Your life!
Oi, Shadders!
Hope my singing didn't put you off.
By the time we're burying you,
you'll be going off in one of these.
Plastic. Did you know that?
Yes, you see, people don't realise.
It's all clean lines nowadays.
All these frills and fancies
are going out. It's all old.
Same as I tell Councillor Duxbury.
You've got to move with the times.
No use living in one style
and dying in another, is it?
Quite.
Sit down. Make yourself at home.
Oh, thank you.
So you're thinking
of leaving us, is that it?
Well, I was thinking,
since this new opportunity...
"I have succeeded in obtaining
a post with Mr. Danny Boon".
- That's the comic, isn't it?
- Comedian, yes.
Very, very clever fellow.
So that's your ambition? Scriptwriting?
Yes, it always has been.
Do you get a salary each week
or do you get paid by the joke?
Ah, well,
it's very, very difficult to say,
really.
Well, it's very, very unprofessional,
a letter like this.
It is?
Nobody wants to stand in your way.
Don't think that.
But you might have gone about it
in a more satisfactory manner.
We were hoping you'd try and get
one or two things cleared up
- before you took a step like this.
- Oh, yes, I realise...
There's those calendars
to be explained, for one thing.
- What calendars?
- I think you know what calendars.
Oh! Oh, no.
There's been a bit
of a misunderstanding.
No, no, it wasn't
a misunderstanding, Fisher.
Two or three hundred calendars
didn't get posted,
to my knowledge.
We've got to get this cleared up,
you see.
We've got to get it cleared up
and implemented.
- If it's a question of payment...
- Now, wait a minute.
It's not as easy as that, you see.
There's the good will to consider.
Those calendars were for good will.
We can't understand
why you didn't send them out.
For God's sake,
why don't you tell the boring little man
where to stick his job?
We don't buy calendars just
so you can chuck them on the fire.
That's not what we're in business for.
Then there's this other matter.
Er, what other matter?
It's no use saying,
"What other matter?"
There's the matter
of the postage money, isn't there?
Just a minute.
'Now, one of the first things
we intend to do, Shadrack,
'is nationalise
the undertaking business. '
Yes, Sir William.
This means we are going to need
experts in this field, men of vision.
I wonder if you remember
showing a certain clerk
a revolutionary plastic coffin?
Yes.
I was the wretch
who forgot to post the calendars.
Yes, I can laugh now.
Good afternoon.
In connection
with the late Mr. Mathieson?
- Would you wait in here?
- Righty-o. Thank you.
Thank you.
I shan't keep you one moment.
Thank you.
There's his library books.
We'll have them to take back.
Yes.
Yes, well, now, as I was saying, Fisher,
there are discrepancies
in the postage book.
I've been trying to get some sense
out of your figures here.
A curious system of book-keeping
you seem to have adopted.
No, this is my own personal
double-entry method.
Only it's not quite up-to-date.
I'm sorry for any inconvenience.
Inconvenience?
It's not a question of inconvenience.
I have to tell you that,
under the circumstances,
there's no question
of our accepting your resignation.
We may have
to take some legal action.
I'll talk to you about it on Monday.
Why, Fisher?
Why?
- Yes, now...
- You've got a gloomy job!
Now, have you got the deposit?
So I went up to the third floor
into the soft furnishings department.
Oh, Billy,
they've got some lovely materials.
I saw some lovely stuff
for the curtains.
Honestly, pet, you'll love it.
It's sort of, um...
well, a turquoise, really.
And it's got lovely little squiggles,
sort of, well, like wine glasses.
Oh, yes, very nice, hmm.
The only trouble is, if we get
that yellow carpet, it won't match.
- Still, that's my department, pet.
- Hmm.
I don't know, darling.
I still say this ring's too big.
- Why won't you let me get it altered?
- Oh, I don't think it's too big.
Anyway, I want everyone to see it first.
- Don't blame me if you lose it.
- Oh, you do worry so, Billy.
- That's why I love you.
- Oh, darling.
- You'll always love me, won't you?
- Of course I will, pet.
- Give me the ring, then.
- No!
You can have it back on Tuesday.
Then it'll be there forever.
- Forever and ever.
- Go on, give it me.
- No!
- Give me the cowing ring before...
Billy!
I'm... I'm sorry, darling.
I'm really not meself today.
It's a good job I've got these
to keep me going.
- What are they?
- Energy tablets.
- Would you like a couple?
- No, thank you.
- Yes, they'll do you good.
- Oh, well...
- Will it taste all right?
- Oh, it will taste fine.
Just drink it up.
Then we'll go for a walk,
where it's quiet.
Oh, Billy, it's beautiful.
Oh!
Ah, just look at her little feet.
Aren't they lovely?
Ah!
Oh, listen to this.
"With you, dearest Mother
and darling Dad,
"happy were the years we had.
"And it is comfort in our pain
"you are now together again".
- Isn't that nice?
- Charming.
Ooh! Ooh, Billy, look!
Oh, there's a whole family in there!
- Ah, isn't it sweet?
- Fabulous.
Mmm!
Ah, they're all dead.
What a shame!
- Darling?
" Hmm?
- How do you feel?
- Ah, contented.
You don't feel,
you know, restless?
- No.
- No!
- Barbara?
- Hmm?
Do you think it's wrong for people
to have, you know, feelings?
Not if they genuinely
love each other.
- Like we do?
- Well, yes.
Would you think it wrong of me
to have... feelings?
I think we ought
to be married first.
- I love you, darling.
- I love you, pet.
- Do you, really and truly?
- Of course I do!
Oh, sticky fingers.
- Are you glad to be getting married?
- I think about it every minute.
Darling.
Billy!
Oh, promise me you'll never
fall in love with anybody else.
Of course not, pet.
Now, come on.
Let's talk about our cottage.
Yes, well... we'll have
a lovely cottage down in Devon.
Devon, yes.
We'll have a lovely garden
with roses and daffodils.
And a lovely lawn with a little swing
for little Billy and...
Little Barbara.
- To play on.
- Mm-hmm.
We'll have our meals
down by the lily pond in the summer.
Oh. Oh, do you think
a lily pond's safe?
What if the kiddies
wandered too near and fell in?
We'll build a wall around it.
Well, I mean,
we needn't have a pond at all.
We could have an old well.
Yes, an old brick well
where we draw the water.
We could make it
our wishing well.
And we could have...
a rustic bridge...
with a stream flowing beneath it,
not too deep
because of the children.
And we could have gnomes
and mushrooms.
Billy! Are you feeling all right?
Of course, darling. Why?
Well, look where your hand is.
Oh.
Don't you want me to touch you?
Well, it... seems indecent somehow.
You know you're making me ill,
don't you?
Oh, poor pet.
Why am I making you ill?
Surely you've heard of,
well, of repressions.
The nervous reactions
of a man who's not...
I know what you mean, pet,
but we must be patient.
- We'd only regret it.
- Just have one more energy tablet.
No, thank you.
I'm going to have an orange.
"I'm going to have.. ".
You and your bloody oranges!
I'm sorry, darling.
I've had a terrible morning.
- I've come about a ring.
- Oh, yes.
Engagement ring,
brought in for alterations.
- What name is it, madam?
- It should be under Fisher.
- Fisher. Just a moment.
- Oh, my name is Corrigan.
Corrigan. Just a moment.
Fisher, Corrigan. Fisher, Corrigan.
- Got a Farmer.
- No, no, Fisher, Fisher.
- Hey, what was that?
- Where?
- At the bottom.
- That's Cor... Corcoran.
Anyway, that's a cuckoo clock.
When did it come in?
On Wednesday, I think.
So he said.
- Er, darling.
- Mmm?
Are you still coming
for tea tomorrow?
Oh, of course.
Oh, well, if you are,
there are some things we've got
to get cleared up and implemented.
What things?
You know I've got a fairly vivid
imagination, don't you, darling?
Well, you have to have
if you're going to be a scriptwriter.
Quite. Well, being a scriptwriter,
I'm perhaps at times a bit inclined
to let my imagination
run away with me,
as you know.
Well, you don't mean
you've been telling me lies?
Well, not lies, exactly.
But I suppose I've been, you know,
exaggerating some things a bit,
being a scriptwriter.
For instance, there's that business
about me father,
him getting danger money
on a petrol tanker.
- He's not on a petrol tanker?
- He wasn't even in the navy.
- What was he, then?
- He was a conscientious object...
No, he wasn't anything. He wasn't fit.
He has trouble with his knee.
Oh.
Well, how many other lies
have you been telling me?
- Er, me sister.
- So you haven't got a sister?
Well, I did have, but she's dead.
If you're still coming
for your tea tomorrow,
they never talk about her.
I'm...
just not good enough for you,
you know, Barbara.
If you want to give me
that engagement ring back,
I'll understand.
I forgive you, pet.
But promise me one thing.
That I'll never lie to you again?
I'll never lie to you again.
Never. I promise.
Billy, are we going dancing tonight?
Billy, are we going dancing tonight,
to the Roxy?
Don't say anything.
There's Arthur's mother.
Good afternoon.
Good afternoon, Mrs. Crabtree.
I don't think you've met my sister.
Sheila, Mrs. Crabtree.
Don't you try and be clever
with me, young man.
I happen to know Barbara
very well indeed!
Well,
I'm catching a bus, actually.
But, Billy!
I should watch him.
'There's Jane Wildeblood
just coming up to the last fence.
'I'm afraid she's down there.
She was completely unseated. '
They build them fences too high.
They tumble down.
'Of course, she will be penalised,
and that does spoil her chances... '
Is that our Billy?
His old raincoat's been
in the bathroom all morning.
And if it isn't our Billy,
where's his old raincoat been, then?
Don't you be so cheeky!
And what time do you call this?
27 minutes, 13 seconds past two.
- I've had a very eventful morning.
- And don't pick!
You seem to think
I've nothing to do but cook.
Well, you get no dinner.
I've finished cooking for one day.
You ought to start coming home
instead of gadding about town.
- Good afternoon, Father.
- I've not sat down all morning.
If I'm not sick...
I'm doing this for you.
Do you realise that?
You've got Barbara coming for tea
but you won't do anything.
You've no consideration.
She sounds such a nice girl,
this Barbara.
Go and answer that bell.
You're idle and scruffy
and you have no manners.
What are manners?
If that's what they learnt him
at grammar school,
thank God I'm bloody ignorant.
- Ah, confession!
- Don't you be so cheeky!
- You!
- Hello, Rita. Just a minute.
- Who is it, Billy?
- Just a minute.
Speak all you think
and all you speak, speak.
You rotten, lying, cross-eyed git!
You're nothing else!
Hello, Rita. Sorry I can't ask you in.
We're having our chimney swept.
They'll be having you swept
before I finish.
It might interest you to know
I have been down to that jeweler's
and they have never heard of you
or that flaming ring.
- You must've gone to the wrong shop.
- I went to the right shop.
- Henderson's in Bridge Street.
- That's funny.
Did you see Mr. McMichael?
I saw the fellow behind the counter!
You should have asked
Mr. McMichael in the workshop.
He's my godfather.
He's doing it privately.
You are rotten to me, Billy.
It's true. Ask me dad
if you don't believe me.
That's me Uncle Ernest,
my dear old Uncle Ernest.
Oh, I don't know
where I am with you, Billy.
We're supposed to be engaged!
- You said you didn't want to marry me.
- I did not!
I said I wasn't going to live
in a rotten cottage in rotten Devon.
I want that ring back tonight!
That's just it. I've got to stay in
to play Monopoly with Uncle Ernest.
- It's his birthday.
- Oh, Monopoly!
I'll tell you what you're doing tonight.
You're taking me to the Roxy.
I'll see you outside at seven.
And don't you be late, right?
Listen, Barbara...
I mean, Rita!
Oh, hell.
- Afternoon.
- Afternoon.
Hey, come here, you.
Who's she supposed to be?
- Oh, just a friend.
- Is that the one that's coming to tea?
- No, that's Barbara.
- Well, who's this one, then?
Just a friend.
She was just passing.
She's gone to see her Uncle Ernest.
He lives up on that new estate.
They're all new houses up there.
- I thought you were getting engaged.
- Some has two bedrooms...
You can't carry on messing about
with one lass after another.
- I realise that, Dad. I said...
- Why couldn't you wait for a bit?
Some has bathrooms upstairs
and some has them downstairs.
I don't believe in interfering,
but either bloody get engaged
or don't bloody bother.
But don't come to me
and say I tried to stop you.
It's not that simple, Dad.
I haven't really decided yet.
You couldn't do worse
than me and your mother.
When we started, we hadn't
two ha'pennies to rub together.
I told her,
"You don't get married till you're 21
- Well, we had to manage.
- It's not a question of managing.
I haven't made me mind up yet.
You want to make your mind up
before she makes it up for you.
- If I go to London...
- When your mum was 21, I said,
- "You can do as you like.. ".
- Just a minute, Grandma.
- Just a minute!
- Then I said...
For God's sake, belt up!
You, what?
- What did you say?
- I merely remarked...
Talk properly when you talk to me!
What did you say to your grandmother?
Ignorant, that's what you are!
Hey, look out, Geoffrey.
That's shirt's clean.
- I'll clean-shirt him in a minute!
- Leave him alone.
Him and his fountain pens
and bloody suede shoes.
If he wants to go to London,
he can bloody well go!
- I've finished with him.
- Oh, but he's not.
- He can pack his things and get going!
- I'm telling you, he's not.
- I can explain all this.
- Ever since you started work.
Grumbling. If it isn't his boiled egg,
it's something else.
So what do you do?
Buy him special corn flakes.
- What if I do?
- And why?
Because there's a plastic submarine
in the packet!
Now, you just listen to me.
- He's not old enough to go to London.
- Not old enough?
He's old enough
to get into the bloody army.
- You want to get into the bloody army!
- Oh, for heaven's sake!
Hold your noise, Geoffrey.
I can't stand much more.
I've been cooking in here...
Every day it's the same.
It gets on my nerves.
Mam!
Mam, it's Gran.
I think she's had another of her do's.
Now look what you've done!
Get her tablets, Geoffrey.
Get them tablets
out of the dressing table drawer.
- Go on, go on, move!
- She was all right a minute ago.
We must get her onto the couch.
She'll be all right there.
You'll be all right, love.
You'll be all right.
Oh, come on, get out of it.
I can't wait all day for you.
Come on, Geoffrey!
Haven't you found them yet?
Oh, come on, Geoffrey!
Hurry up!
- Ee, you weigh a ton.
- Feathers.
She wants to burn some feathers,
never mind pills.
Here you are, now.
That's it. Put it in your mouth.
Come on. Have a sip.
- Is she all right?
- As all right as she'll ever be.
Oh... Well, I'll be off, then.
That's it.
- Where's he going?
- We've more to worry about than him.
Now, are you all right, love?
We have fought.
We have fought long and hard.
Now at last,
our struggle has been rewarded.
Victory is within our grasp.
I offer you nothing
but liberty, fraternity and equality.
Come on, lads!
'We will rebuild.
'Cannon and mortar
have devastated
'our drab and shoddy streets. '
'But this I pledge.
'Battalions of craftsmen
'will change the face of our cities. '
We will build towers.
Towers!
No less.
Fisher! Fisher! Fisher!
'Overshadowing all events
is the massacre at Bluebell Valley.
'General Fisher makes a pilgrimage
'to the war-scarred fields
where he himself was wounded.
'Protests are pouring
into the United Nations
'as once again a shadow falls
across the world.
'Truly, history has been made again
'and in violent fashion. '
Now then, lad.
Afternoon, Councillor.
- Well, it's a grand day for it.
- Aye.
That's been watching football, eh?
Nay, I'm just bound for a walk
over the moor.
What's tha got there, then?
Crown jewels?
No, gramophone records, LPs.
There were nowt like that
when I were a lad.
No record players.
We had to make us own music
if we wanted it.
Male voice choir we used to have.
Then there were chapel choir.
There were two chapel choirs,
because there was another chapel
down Moor Cross Road.
Ah, but they're all coming down,
all the old buildings.
Trams, they've gone.
City centre, that's all new.
Aye, you could get
a glass of beer, meat pie,
cigarettes, matches
and change out of four pence.
- Aye.
- Aye... aye.
Dost tha think
I could climb down yonder?
Nay, tha'd break thee neck.
Well, I'll have to manage it,
whether or no.
I'm going down to the police station.
- What's tha going there for?
- We're pulling it down.
- Tha's not, is tha?
- Aye, we are that.
All yon cottages and all are going.
Well, I'll be on my way now,
Councillor.
So, afternoon.
Aye.
I say...
Come here.
You're a right one
with them calendars, aren't you?
Ey, I'd have thought
tha'd more sense than that, lad.
So you're planning
to go to London, then, eh?
Aye.
I'm just about thraiped
with this place.
How do you mean?
Well, it's neither muckling
nor mickling, is it?
Art tha taking a rise
out of me, young man?
No, sir!
Well, then just talk as thy father
and mother brought thee up to talk.
I had no education.
I had to educate meself.
But that's no reason to mock me.
Now then,
I don't know what I'll do yet.
I haven't decided.
But listen,
can you take a bit of advice?
- Yes, sir.
- Now, you're a young man.
You've got a long way to go
but you can't do it by yourself.
Now, think on.
Me grandma's poorly.
Well, I'm glad to have had
the chance of a word with you.
Now, think on.
We'll be back in London in three hours
so I'll call you then, OK?
They've charged us
for four single rooms!
Only left a coat in hers.
Phone calls:
London, London, Luton...
Luton?
- Excuse me.
- Yes?
- Have you anything to do with Mr. Boon?
- I'm his manager.
I was wondering
if I could have a word with him.
- Have you got an appointment?
- I have written...
Somebody's had
4/6 worth of phone calls.
Do you know him?
Bung us a glossy.
Don't turn him away, Bertie.
I've got three gross of these to unload.
- What's your name, son?
- Billy Fisher.
"To Billy". I haven't put "with love".
People might get the wrong idea.
- Be seeing you.
- Er, no...
- I sent you some of me scripts.
- Scripts?
- You sent me some scripts?
- Yes. You wrote me a letter.
You said that I was to call
and see your manager.
Oh, did you?
And here you are, eh?
Well, so you want to be
a scriptwriter, eh, Billy?
Well, it's a great life.
It really is.
How's it going?
Sold any material yet, have you?
Well, I was hoping that
you would be able to use me,
well, in some way,
as a scriptwriter.
On. on, well, that's just it, Billy.
I don't maintain
a personal scriptwriter.
I've got enough to do
supporting these layabouts.
Of course, I'm always in the market
for individual gags.
And I pay pro rata.
Are you ever up in London?
- Now and again.
- I'll tell you what you do.
You pop in and see me at the office.
We'll have a bit of a chat.
Well, good luck, then, Billy,
and keep writing, eh?
Here, one of you lot done me
for a bottle of Beaujolais.
- Has he stood you up, then?
- Oh, get off your knees!
Come in with us.
We'll take you home, won't we, Toddo?
Yeah, we'll take you home, love.
- Come on.
- All right, then.
- Come on, then.
- Hey! Not so free with the hands!
Thanks, mate.
- Hello, Liz.
- Hello, Billy.
- I knew you were back.
- News travels fast!
- Where have you been?
- Here and there.
- Up and down.
- Round and about.
- Why didn't you ring me?
- I was going to.
- Thank you very much!
- No, really, I was going to.
- I knew you'd be here tonight.
- Yes, I am here, my dear.
Me and a few others.
- How's everything with you?
- Fine.
How's the scriptwriting,
and how's that book coming along?
I finished it. It's going
to be published next Christmas.
Count five and tell the truth.
Oh, well...
I haven't started writing it yet.
Oh, bad as ever.
I've written some scripts, though.
I've been offered a job in London.
- It's for the comedian Danny Boon.
- I met him this morning.
He was opening the supermarket.
He asked me to cut the tape.
- So I noticed in the paper.
- Well, when are you going?
Oh, soon.
- When's soon?
- Well, as soon as I can manage.
That's a bit vague, isn't it?
Why don't you go now?
- Well, it's difficult.
- No, it's not. It's easy.
You get on a train
and four hours later there you are.
It's easy for you.
You've had the practice.
Shall we go for a walk
or something?
- Soon.
- Thank you.
I Kookie Twisterella
I She hasn't got a fella...
Hey, "Twisterella".
It's my song. Me and Arthur wrote it.
Honestly?
Words and music
by Fisher and Crabtree.
We gave it to 'em months ago.
They never said.
- Did you really write it?
- Of course I did.
I She hasn't got a fella
I The kids all have a ball
I But she doesn't mind at all
Congratulations.
Oh, just a little thing I scribbled
on a menu in a fish restaurant.
That menu's worth
hundreds of pounds.
The price of fish has risen steeply
since the war, my dear.
I She's got the kind of shake
that's irresistible
- I Kookie Twisterella...
- Hang on a minute.
There's somebody
I'm anxious to avoid.
I The kids all have a ball
I But she doesn't mind at all
I She's Twisterella
I Yeah, Twisterella
- Billy!
- Hello, darling.
I waited outside for half an hour.
I said I'd see you inside.
Come on. Let's dance, anyway.
- Don't like it.
- It's my song. Me and Arthur wrote it.
- Did you, pet?
- Yeah.
It's the first time they've played it.
- But I can't do it.
- Of course you can.
- Like this with your legs.
- What do you do with your feet?
- The hips.
- No, pet. Come on.
Let's have an orange squash.
Come on.
I She's Twisterella
I Yeah, Twisterella
Oh, look what crawled out
the corned beef!
Hello, Rita.
I don't think you've met Barbara.
Er, Barbara, this is Rita.
Rita, this is Barbara.
I'm very glad you've come.
I think I owe you a word of explanation.
A word of explanation? Get back
in the cheese with the other maggots.
Will you kindly tell me
who this girl is?
Oh, get Madam Fancy Knickers!
I suppose she's your rotten sister.
I thought
she was in a rotten iron lung!
For your information,
I happen to be Billy's fiance.
Well, for your information,
he happens to be engaged to me!
- In front of a witness!
- I can explain all this.
Explain till you're blue in the face,
it'll make no difference.
I realise this must all seem
very confusing to you, Rita.
Barbara broke the engagement off.
- Billy!
- You gave that ring to me!
- There's been a bit of a mix-up, Rita.
- Yes, there has.
You don't handle the goods
unless you intend to buy.
Ooh, you're rotten!
- Are you breaking the engagement off?
- You don't get off it like that!
I want that ring.
I've got to know, Billy.
Have you been having...
relations with this girl?
What do you think he's been doing?
Knitting a pullover?
Give me that ring. It's mine.
I shall give the ring back
if I break off the engagement.
- Are you going to give me that ring?
- Don't you threaten me!
I won't threaten you, I'll flatten you.
- Now, take off that ring!
- No, it's mine!
- Give it to me!
- No!
Right. Come on, Gerry.
- No, let me go!
- Give me that ring. It's mine!
You've had it, Fisher, mate.
You've had it.
Ladies and gentlemen,
that last number was "Twisterella".
It's a brand-new one
written by two of our local boys here,
Arthur Crabtree...
Here's Arthur.
...and his colleague Billy Fisher.
Billy's somewhere
in the hall, I know.
He's probably celebrating
some wonderful news he's had.
- There he is.
- Billy Fisher. The man himself!
Congratulations, Billy.
We just heard
of your wonderful job in London,
writing scripts
for comedian Danny Boon.
Congratulations and best of luck.
Billy Liar!
Ladies and gentlemen, the conga.
Stupid! What do you want
to tell 'em that for?
- Why not? It's all fixed up.
- Mind your own business!
Yes, mate, and that's what
you want to do as well.
I don't know what tale
you've been telling my mother
about Barbara
being this sister of yours,
but she's been going on at me
all afternoon, so just pack it in.
And grow up!
'Mr. William Fisher
wanted on the telephone.
'Mr. William Fisher. '
Mr. William Fisher
wanted on the telephone.
Let's go.
'Can Mr. William Fisher
please come to the telephone?
'Thank you. '
Liz, do you find life difficult?
Oh, I wish it was something
you could tear up and start again.
You know, like starting
a new page in an exercise book.
It's been done.
Turning over a new leaf.
I turn over a new leaf every day,
but the blots show through.
- Billy, who do you love?
- Thee, lass.
- Yes, it sounds like it, doesn't it?
- I do, Liz, I do.
Say it properly, then.
Well, I do, Liz, I do.
- I want to marry you, Billy.
- I think I get engaged a bit too often.
I don't want to get engaged.
I want to get married.
Well, er, we will one day.
Yes, one day!
- Billy?
- What?
You know...
You know what you wanted me
to do that night?
When we were walking
through the park.
And I said, "Another night".
Yes.
Well, it's another night tonight,
isn't it?
- Are you sure?
- Yes.
Er, well...
But what...?
- Billy?
- Mm-hmm?
You know there have been others,
don't you?
Oh, well, I somehow imagined
that there might have been.
- Shall I tell you about them?
- No, no.
Go on, then. Tell me about it.
- No, not now.
- No, tell me about it.
- You think that's why I go away.
- I don't know.
Oh, it's not that.
It's...
Sometimes I want to go away.
It's not you, Billy.
It's this town.
It's the people we know.
I don't like knowing everybody,
becoming a part of things.
- Don't you know what I mean?
- Yes, I do, Liz. I do.
What I'd like to be is invisible.
I'd like to be able to move around
without having to explain anything.
Do you know what I do
to feel invisible?
Well, I've never told anybody before.
I have a sort of...
It's an imaginary country where I go.
It has its own people.
Do you do that?
I knew you would.
Why are we so alike?
I can read your thoughts.
- A town...
- No, this is a whole country.
I'm prime minister
and you're the foreign secretary.
- Thank you.
- I think about it for hours.
And sometimes I think,
if we were married,
with a house of our own,
we could just sit
and imagine ourselves there.
Yes, we could.
I want a room in the house
with a green baize door.
It'll be a big room, and when we go
through the door, that's our country.
Nobody else will be allowed in at all.
We could make models
of the cities out of cardboard
and have toy soldiers for the people.
We can draw maps.
It'd be a place to go
on a rainy afternoon.
We could design
our own newspapers.
We could even make uniforms.
It'd be our country.
With a model train the kids can't use.
Oh, Liz, Liz...
will you marry me?
Yes, Billy.
Oh, Liz.
- What is it?
- It's nothing.
You'll get your bastard teeth
knocked down your throat!
"I'm prime minister
and you're the foreign secretary".
Or something.
Leave them, Billy.
Oh, leave 'em.
They're not worth it.
The whole place isn't worth it.
Bastards.
Look, Billy...
Why don't you go to London?
I'll come with you.
Oh...
It'd be marvellous if we could.
But we can, Billy. We can.
What's there to stop us?
There are arrangements to make.
No, there's not.
You buy a ticket and get on a train.
That's all you have to do.
- You can't just go.
- Yes, you can. We could go tonight.
There's a midnight train.
It gets in at seven.
- Tonight, Liz?
- Yes, 12:05 from Central Station.
We'll be in London tomorrow.
Breakfast at Lyons,
Hyde Park in the afternoon,
Piccadilly tomorrow evening.
- Look, what time is it?
- It's just after ten.
I'm going, Billy.
Are you coming with me?
- Yes, Liz, I'm coming.
- Are you sure?
I'm coming with you.
- I'll meet you at the barrier at 12.
- Fine, yeah.
- What about your father and mother?
- They know about it already.
- Billy, you won't let me down?
- No, of course I won't.
Right.
I'll go back and pack my things.
We're going to London!
Father, the men,
they're coming up the drive!
Yeah.
Oh, I see.
Oh, oh, I see.
She's still with her, is she?
Right. Thank you very much.
Good bye.
Well, what time of night
do you call this?
It's only ten.
- Do you want some chips bringing?
- Never mind chips.
- They're down at the infirmary.
- Who?
Your mother and your grandmother.
Your grandmother's
been taken badly again.
- Why? What's up with her?
- What's always up with her?
I've been ringing that bloody
dance hall for the past hour,
trying to get word to you.
Why don't you go
where you say you're going?
Is it serious or something?
Your mother wants you
down at the infirmary.
Go on. Better go
and get yourself a taxi ordered.
Hello. Speedway Taxis?
Could you send a cab
to 23 Ringway Crescent, please?
It's to go to the infirmary.
Oh, good, good. Thank you.
Be about ten minutes.
- You don't go up there.
- I'm just...
- You don't go up there!
- I'm going to get washed.
Well, you can stop mucky.
You don't go up there.
I'm fed up with your meddling ways
and all other things besides.
- Why, What's up?
- What's up?
- What did you do with that letter?
- What letter?
- That letter for 'Housewives' Choice".
- I posted it.
You posted bloody nothing!
I did post it.
That's just the rough copy.
Don't come telling me your lies.
I found this in the wardrobe.
- What about them calendars?
- What calendars?
I'll give you what if you don't stop
saying "what" to me, young man.
You can't keep your hands off nothing.
I got it all from Councillor Duxbury.
What about their petty cash?
You've made me
into a bloody laughing stock!
- And where is that monkey wrench?
- What would I want with it?
Or with 200 calendars!
You're not right in your head!
I'm not right! I'm not right!
I didn't want to work there!
Don't bloody shout at me!
- I'll knock you into next week!
- God give me strength!
He wants to give you some sense.
You're like a bloody Mary-Anne.
You ought to be grateful for the job.
Grateful for this, grateful for that.
That's all I've ever heard!
Grateful you let me go
to the grammar school.
- Since the first day I went there!
- It's a chance we never had.
And don't we bloody well know it?
I even had to be grateful
for winning a scholarship.
What did you say
when I told you I'd won it?
You'd have to pay for the uniform
and I had to be grateful!
And I'm supposed to be grateful
to Shadrack and Duxbury
for letting me sit
at one of their rotten desks!
You'll stop there
till all that money's paid back.
- I'm not. I'm leaving.
- What do you mean, leaving?
- I'm going to London.
- What can you do in London?
- Write scripts.
- Don't talk so bloody wet.
Who's going to run this business
when I'm gone?
You said you didn't want me
in the business!
Only because you were
too bloody idle, that's all.
- Who's going to keep your mother?
- You're not retiring, are you?
- I'll give you a kick up your backside!
- I'm not arguing, Dad. I'm going.
Go, then. I'm finished with you.
And don't take my suitcase with you!
My husband had
a bad accident three years back.
- Did he?
- He's all right now, but at the time...
We looked all over for you, lad.
- Where's my grandma?
- In there.
They've got that black doctor to her.
She can't talk.
We're just waiting.
She was all right
just after you went out.
Then when your father came home,
we were all just watching television
and she slumps forward
in her chair
and she started to slaver,
just like a...
just like a baby.
Will she be all right?
I don't know, lad. I...
I don't know.
Well, you've got yourself
into a fine mess, haven't you?
So it would seem.
I'm only thankful
she knows nothing about it.
Why didn't you post that letter of mine
to 'Housewives' Choice"?
I did post it.
I just wrote it out again, that's all.
- What for?
- There was some mistakes in it.
I thought it would stand a better chance
if it was more grammatical.
We can't all
be Shakespeares, can we?
We're going to sit down tomorrow
and go over everything you've done
and everything you've taken.
Yes, well, I won't be here tomorrow.
- How do you mean?
- I'm going to London.
I'd have been at the station already
if it hadn't been for Grandma.
If you're in any more trouble, Billy,
it's not something
you can leave behind you, you know.
You put it in your suitcase,
and take it with you.
Look, Mother, I've said I'm going
and I'm definitely going.
Mrs. Fisher,
would you come this way, please?
'Three passengers on a Belfast plane
'were Mr. Goose, Mr. Gander
and the Reverend Mr. Gosling.
'They did not know each other.
'The Lord is my shepherd.
I shall not want.
'He maketh me to lie down
in green pastures. '
- Tea?
- Please.
- Sixpence.
- Oh.
Ta.
I'm sorry, Mrs. Fisher.
We have some formalities.
Would you mind waiting?
Your grandma died
at seven minutes past eleven.
It's hot.
- Do you want to go in and see her?
- No.
I can't drink it.
What time train
are you supposed to be catching?
Er, midnight.
So... I've got to go or...
well, I won't catch it.
- Well, you haven't got any money.
- I've managed to save a few pounds.
- Do you want me to get you a taxi?
- I've got some papers to sign first.
We don't say much, but...
but we need you at home, lad.
Yes, well, I mean, I...
I won't be away for long. I'll...
I'll just get fixed up.
I can come home next weekend.
See, I've got to go
or I'll miss the train.
I'm sorry about my grandma.
Officers and gentlemen
of the Ambrosian Militia,
we are assembled here
at the graveside
to pay our respects to a great lady.
There are many of us
who would not be here today
but for her tender mercies.
Although in her later years
she was limbless from the waist down,
she struggled valiantly
to combat ignorance and disease.
Although she will be
remembered by the world
as the inventor
of penicillin and radium,
we of this proud regiment
remember her as our friend,
the Lady of the Lamp.
Sir? Sir?
- A ticket to London.
- Single or return?
- Single.
- 28/3, please.
Only 15 shillings.
She'd look after you, son,
I'm telling you.
- 15 shillings gets you a nice night.
- You'll be all right.
- What time's your train?
- Six-ish.
Six-ish, is it? She'll see you right.
You'll be on the train in time.
Have a nice breakfast before you go.
We'll look after him, won't we?
You'll be all right, love.
- I've got to get to camp.
- She'll see you get back to camp.
Are you going to go with her, then?
You'll be all right.
Stop following me, will you?
Look at that young man.
He's blind drunk.
What a shame.
That poor girl.
Just look at him.
You're not like that, are you son?
You shouldn't drink.
Get that man in the guardhouse.
CO's parade tomorrow.
They fought for me in the last war.
Come on.
- Come on!
- Oh!
Oh, look what's crawled
out of the cheese!
Hello, Rita.
Borstal here we come.
Er, what happened
to Barbara, then?
I don't know and I don't care.
You think you're somebody,
don't you?
I'll tell you something.
You're not!
- You're nobody.
- I'm sorry.
- You can have the ring for all I care.
- That ring? I wouldn't touch it.
Go on, get away.
You're just muck.
Come on, you.
Come on!
Idle walking that, man.
Left, right, left, right.
Oh, belt up!
He's a sergeant, him.
Why doesn't he get back
in the effing army?
- Hello.
- I had to walk.
Oh, never mind.
Do you good.
Just missed the last bus.
I saw it going.
I turned the corner
and there it was moving on.
So I walked.
I went through the back streets.
I passed me old school.
Ta.
- Come on! We can't wait all night!
- All right, don't panic. We're here.
- Punch those, will you?
- Have you got the tickets?
Well, I seem to have
three face cloths and no toothbrush.
- Still, I can borrow yours, can't I?
- Yes.
- Have we got enough cigarettes?
- Yes, I've got some.
Do you want one?
- Er, no.
- Isn't it stuffy in here?
- Where are we going?
Is it worth the money?
I don't know.
- Who's got a kip for me?
- Oh, not again!
- I thought you'd got a flat!
- I had to leave.
Didn't pay the rent, did I?
Had too many parties an' all.
I hope you're not going
to talk all night like last time.
- We can't get anything to eat, can we?
- I've got some sandwiches with me.
- Would you like me to get you a drink?
- No, not really.
- Penzance.
- Penzance?
Yeah, and then back to Scotland.
Wait a minute.
There's a milk machine on the station.
- I can get you some.
- I don't really want any.
It'll only take a minute.
Save me place.
Well, hurry up, Billy!
That kind lady might let me
share her gaff.
She'll give you a punch
up the throat if you're not careful.
- Just going to get some milk.
- You haven't got long.
# Ambrosia
# Ambrosia...