Dad?
It's okay, Dad.
Lynn will be back soon.
Good evening, listeners
and welcome to...
Haven't you got any money?
He's known as the Maori comedian
with that famous laugh...
and widely recognised as one of
NZ's most loved entertainers.
Billy T James lies gravely ill
in hospital tonight.
The Kaikohe Police Station
was burgled last night.
The burglars took the toilet.
The cops said today that they've
got nothing to go on.
Billy received a heart transplant
over a year ago.
However,
complications have meant...
that he checked into Auckland's
Greenlane Hospital, this afternoon.
The tests are conclusive, Billy.
The fever you caught
has damaged your new heart.
It's beyond repair.
Well, how long
have I got, then, doc?
We can't be sure.
You know, I had a mate
in the same situation.
Yeah, the doc came in and said,
'I've got some good news,
and I've got some bad news,'
Billy.
'The good news is...
you've only got 24 hours to live'.
'Oh, hell, doc,' my mate reckons,
'What's the bad news?'
The doc says,
'Should've told you yesterday'.
I'll check on you again shortly.
Yeah.
Lynn,...
when it happens,
no tangi, okay? I, um... I can't stand
the thought of all those strangers...
staring at me for days on end.
But they're your whanau.
What do you want, Billy?
I wanna be at home,
at our home.
Then that's what's happening.
How are you holding up, Dad?
I told your Mum
not to name him after me,
but she went ahead,
and look what happened.
Jesus got us mixed up
and took the wrong Bill.
He looks so handsome.
At peace now, aren't you, love?
Whano, whano.
Haramai te toki! Haumie,
hui-e, taikie!
Ngara mai matou mo Billy.
No, no, no. You get out of here.
Kao! Kaore e tukuna e au.
Puta atu koutou ki waho.
They want our Billy.
- Hey!
- No, don't! Don't!
No, no, no, no!
You've got it wrong!
He's going to the marae
after the service at St. Matthews.
We had an agreement!
This is what Billy wanted!
It doesn't matter
what Billy wants any more.
Kati!
- That's my boy!
- Cherie, call the police!
Not my boy!
Hikitia.
That's my brother!
Billy!
Hands off him!
That's my son!
Hui-e,
taiki-e!
Haramai, Cherie.
Cherie?
What is going on?
They're his whanau.
Now he's dead, they're his whanau!
They love him too.
They have no right to do this!
Billy wanted to be here with us.
He has to go home.
Oh God.
# I say mony.
# Yeah.
# Mony.
# Yeah.
# Yeah.
# Yeah.
# Yeah. Yeah.
# Yeah.
# Mony, mony.
# Mony, mony.
# Mony, mony.
# I said come on, come on, come on.
# Mony, mony. Mony, mony.
# Mony, mony. Mony, mony.
# Gonna feel all right now.
# Mony, mony.
# I said yeah.
# Yeah.
# Yeah.
# Yeah.
# Yeah.
# Yeah.
# Yeah.
# Yeah. #
I'm William Taitoko.
Thank you very much!
- You enjoying it?
- Yeah.
Whoo-hoo, it's William Taitoko!
Hey, can I have your autograph?
- Bill!
- CROWD CHEERS
You should get back up there.
Okay, okay, How about
that Mick Jagger, right?
His lips are so big...
is he a Maori or what?
Not as big as Billy's lips,
though, eh, mate?
Lynn.
I've been summoned.
I'll see you after the gig.
You remind that bugger
you finished work at 5.
So, what did your boss want?
Don't tell me he tried to have
his wicked way with you.
Well, he didn't sack you, did he?
He said I shouldn't be seen
with Billy.
And he's damn right.
Everyone knows musicians
are nothing but...
sex maniacs and drug addicts.
Leave it out, cuz.
He doesn't like Billy
'cos he's a hori, right?
If you're sticking with Billy,
you better get used to it.
This whole country
is full of rednecks.
Now, kids,
make sure you use protection.
# Well, you called me your baby
# when you hold my hand.
# Oh, honey, you hurt me.
# I just don't understand.
# I just don't understand.
# I just don't understand. #
Here we are, my lady.
There must be other hotels
you can play at, Billy.
I mean, you're the best.
There's just no one else
hiring at the moment.
Well, we can't let him
get away with this.
What do you want me to do?
I'm... I'm an entertainer.
It's just not right.
Hey.
I love you, you know that?
I love you too.
Then will you marry me?
Are you being funny?
I, um... I wouldn't have you on
about something like this.
Oh.
Then, yes...
I'll marry you.
# I looked into the sky.
# Everything was high,
# higher than it seemed
# to be to me.
# Standing by the sea,
# thinking I was free.
# Did I hear you call
or was I dreaming then, St. Paul?
Relax. Mum thinks you're the best thing
that's ever happened to me.
Yeah, that's before she knew
I was marrying you.
She'll be overjoyed.
How do you know?
We've been on at Billy for months.
Told him if he didn't hurry up
and ask,
you'd get bored and run away,
didn't we, Wiri?
He can be a bit shy.
Nah, just used to being talked over.
Oh.
We never thought much of those
other girls he used to bring home.
Really?
There weren't that many.
Groupies. You know the type...
short skirts and foul mouths.
Lynn doesn't wanna hear
about that, mum.
There was that Maori girl, though.
You remember the one, Wiri.
You knew her uncle.
She was nice, but, oh dear,
hadn't been out of the pa for long,
that's for sure.
How's the music going, son?
It's okay.
More than okay.
Go on, tell them.
More good news?
I've been asked to audition
for the Maori Volcanics.
With the hottest show band in the country.
Well, that's blimmin' great, son, eh?
It's just an audition.
Well, I don't know how you expect
to support a wife by playing music.
Oh, I'm not gonna be
giving up work, Ruby.
Then what about children?
Mum!
We've decided to wait.
Wait for what?
The world to end?
Kei te pai raua.
Just hope I don't die before I get
to see these mokopuna of mine.
Well, don't give up on me
just yet, mum.
I took your advice, and I applied
to become a traffic cop.
And I got accepted.
Oh, why didn't you say so?
Do you hear that, Wiri?
I can just see him in his uniform.
As long as he doesn't give me
a bloody ticket, eh?
He's really talented,
you know, Ruby.
Oh, I know he's talented.
The music's in his blood.
Did he tell you he was adopted?
A whangai?
He didn't say much.
His mother, Sally, was a cousin.
Oh, there were so many kids.
Hello.
What's your name?
Ko wai koe?
You've come to take Baby?
Ay.
Baby's coming to live with us.
You don't have to worry about that.
I told them I can look after that
little baby, so youse can go home now.
Is that Jimmy playing?
Smooth.
Oh, he's smooth alright.
That's how come
I've got ten kids.
Eh, Timi.
We only want the best for the baby.
We will love your baby,
with all our hearts.
Jimmy.
It's... time.
E hine.
Where did you hide the baby?
- I told you the old man was good, ey?
- Yeah.
Back when I was a kid,
whenever our cousins
got a... music lesson,
they shared what they learnt
with the rest of us.
Everyone could play something.
Ever think about
taking your music further?
Nah, no one went professional
back then.
Mm.
Different now, though, eh, Billy?
This is for you.
Oh, no, you know
you don't need to do this, Ruby.
I have a job.
I can look after the both of us.
Shut up, girl, and take it.
It's just until that son of mine
gets a real job.
Oh, keep it, honestly, Ruby.
You should be taking it easy.
Stop working so hard.
Don't you worry about me, girl.
Go on, buy yourself something nice.
You deserve it, having to put up
with him all the time.
You know I love him more
than anything in the world?
I feel good about you, Lynn.
Mum's right. The music industry
is a risky business.
Yeah, and if you become
a traffic cop,
she'll be worried about the accidents
and the explosions just like on TV.
Lynn believes in you, son.
What if I stuff up?
What if you don't?
Hello? Mrs Hastings?
Come on in.
It's open.
This place is great.
What do we have to do?
Nothing.
Just meet the landlady.
Just had to lock the dog up.
He doesn't bite,
but he's a bit yappy with strangers.
Uh, this is my fiance, Billy.
He loves it already.
Hello.
William Taitoko.
I... I'm sorry. There's, um...
been a bit of a problem.
What sort of problem?
Uh, the flat's no longer available.
- But you said...
- I thought it was,
but it isn't.
It's my mistake.
But I've paid a deposit.
Yes, so you did, but I...
I haven't banked it yet.
There you go.
- Hey, Lynn, let's go.
- No, hold on a minute.
- Lynn, just...
- You can't do this.
But I have done it.
I've let the flat to someone else.
I'm sorry, but that's the way it is.
Lynn, can we just...?
I don't get it.
She was so nice the other day.
I'm really sure she was charming
till she saw the colour of my skin.
It's terrible.
We should do something about it.
Nah, don't make a fuss.
We can't do anything, anyway.
Oh, Billy, I'm sorry.
Hey, don't worry.
We'll find somewhere really good.
We don't want that bossy old cow
as a landlady, anyway.
Shh.
# Get up with the sun
# and go running to the sea.
# Cast away your mourning clothes
and fly away with me.
# Taste the salt upon you.
# Feel the warming sand.
# Find a singing shell and hold
the ocean in your hand.
# Feel the breath of the air
# and the peace and
the call of the sea.
# It's the one place I know you
can go any time to be free. #
Here.
Maybe we should get into bed.
That's an idea.
Oh, the light.
Oh.
Billy, I'm no expert.
It's my first time.
Christ.
You too, eh?
Oh.
You know what I've been thinking?
Give me a five-minute smoko break,
then you can tell me.
Maybe your mum's right.
We shouldn't wait to have kids.
You sure?
Can you imagine us as parents?
A mum and a dad.
Yeah.
Yeah, I like it.
Do you ever think about
your birth family?
Yeah.
Yeah, I used to.
Used to, uh, think about
why I was the one they gave away.
They wanted the best for you.
All these years and not one visit.
How could anyone
just abandon their kid like that?
Use this to blow your nose...
and ask the teacher
if you need to go to the toilet.
If you don't understand something
that the teacher tells you,
just pretend you do.
No point in arguing,
because that Pakeha...
he always wins.
Be a good boy.
But I want to go home with you.
You have to be strong, Billy.
Off you go now.
This is William Taitoko,
and he's new today.
Tell us something
about yourself, William.
How many brothers and sisters
do you have?
Only the Deaf
use Sign Language, William.
We use our words.
Got one sister.
Name's Ngaire.
Just one?
Really?
We get a little smack
if we don't tell the truth.
How many brothers and sisters
do you have, William?
Ten.
Good.
Now, take a seat next to Peter.
This morning we are reading
about a little fox...
who tries to cross
a bubbling brook.
What's a bubbling brook?
A little stream.
Ah, you mean a creek.
I suppose I do.
Bubbling brook. Bubbling brook.
Bubbling brook.
# There you goin', baby.
# Here am I.
# Well, you left me here
so I could sit and cry.
# Well, golly gee,
what have you...? #
Hello!
Well?
How'd it go?
Good. Yes, good. I had fun.
Yeah, but did you get it?
Let's just say you could be looking
at the next Maori Volcanic.
If I want to.
You promised me if you got in,
you'd forget this traffic cop business.
- Nah, that's not it.
- Your mum will come round.
The Volcanics go on tour in 2 weeks
and the band's going to the UK.
That's exciting.
And we won't be back for two years.
You come with us.
I can't do that, Billy.
But this is the UK.
I'm not giving up my life here
to follow you around England.
That kind of life, all those clubs,
where do I fit into that?
Yeah, I'll just...
- I'll tell them I can't come.
- No.
- I'm not going without you.
- This is your dream.
And if you don't go,
we'll both be miserable.
We trust each other, don't we?
I'll miss you too much.
Well, you just make sure
you call me every week.
At 100 dollars a pop?
You gotta be kidding.
I'll call... and I'll write...
and I'll stay away from girls
with short skirts and foul mouths.
- No, leave it!
- It might be the Volcanics.
Hello?
Hey, hi, sis.
No, hey, hey.
Hey, what's up?
No, that can't be right.
No, not Mum.
Kei te whaea Ruby...
anei ratou to whanau
e tangi e haku nei.
Tiraha mai koe i roto
i te kopu o te whenua.
Takoto, takoto, takoto.
Ngungare hote te pu.
He one kite one.
I don't know what to say.
Tena koe, boy.
Tena korua.
Kia ora, uncle.
Te tama o Ruby, ne?
E pai kite kite a koe.
The last time I saw your mum,
she was going on all about you,
her famous son.
Mum said that?
Oh yeah.
We're all proud of you here, boy.
You know, it may not be
the happiest occasion,
but it's bloody good
to have you home, eh?
I haven't had much opportunity
to come down here before.
Don't need any reason to come home.
We're all family here.
They won't change
just because we've buried Ruby.
Kia kaha.
Ka pai.
This place gives me the creeps.
Like I'm going to rock up to that
guy's house with a bottle of whisky.
He's just being friendly.
Hey, if Mum had wanted us to be Maoris,
she would have brought us up like Maoris.
She wanted us to succeed, Lynn.
All I'm saying is
you don't have to turn your back.
Oh, that's enough.
Your mum always gave me
too much meat and too many spuds.
Could never eat the bloody things.
Dad?
Just gonna wash my hands.
There a law against that?
Well, at least he's seeing Mum's death
in a positive light...
doesn't have to eat any more.
How's he gonna cope? She did everything
for him, even ironed his socks.
He's just washing his hands.
It's when they stop keeping
themselves clean you have to worry.
Nah, he's just nipped
outside for a fag.
I should never have listened to him.
He's clearly not ready to live by himself.
Maybe we could move in for a little while
just till he gets back on his feet.
You're off to the UK tomorrow.
There is no way
I'm leaving the old man.
Ngaire and I are quite capable
of looking after him while you're gone.
- I can pop in most days.
- I'm staying put.
- We don't need you.
- Hang on.
Boy.
I want you to go to England.
Chance of a lifetime.
Make your mum proud.
Make us all proud.
And I can look after my own self.
You got that?
Now let's eat.
I'm bloody starving.
Here, Papa.
Flash place, all right, eh?
Oh, flash prices too. Looks like
we're all going sober tonight.
Thank you. We're gonna take
a short break,
and then, fresh back from England,
it's Billy James.
Who are they?
The Hegans.
That's supposed to mean something?
Biggest entertainment
agents in the country.
Oh, of course.
Yeah.
Your drummer tells me you toured
the UK with him and the Volcanics.
Yeah, um... well, but this is my...
my first solo gig.
Oh Jesus. I'll tell you what, son.
You finish the gig, I give you 50 bucks.
They boo you off stage
before then, you get nothing.
Keep the language clean as well.
This is a classy establishment, OK?
It's not a pub
full of horis. Got it?
Hey, my act's clean as a whistle.
Am I understood, boy?
Understood.
Good.
# Everybody there
had a happy celebration. #
Hiya, swingers.
It's been a long week.
You're back on C'mon, so lose your blues
and get with the go-go.
For the next 30 minutes, it's a
happening scene, and I can see these...
Is this what my comrades
in the Maori Battalion sacrificed...
their lives for
in the deserts of Africa,
so you boys could waste time
watching this blasted TV?
No, sir.
Where's Mr. Paiwai?
He's doing research
for his apprenticeship, sir.
What sort of research does a...
painting and decorating apprentice
do on a Saturday evening?
Sir, he's getting plastered
at the pub.
You think I lay down these rules
just to give you all a hard time?
This world we're living in
isn't run by your uncle...
or your relations.
It's run by the Pakeha.
You can't just be as good as him to get
a job, 'cos they'll give it to their own.
You gotta be better...
much better.
Ladies and gentlemen,
my name is Billy T. James.
Well, actually my real name is
William James Te Wehi Taitoko,
but when I decided to go solo,
my mate Prince Tui Teka said,
'Ah, cuz,
you gotta find yourself a new name.
Something those Pakeha
can pronounce, eh'?
So here I am.
Billy T. James.
I come from a big family,
you know? Do you?
Yeah, I do.
There's 17 in my family.
We put our mum up
on a pedestal, eh.
Yeah. Yeah, we had to to keep
the old man away from her.
Cheeky bugger!
And because
we didn't have a lot of money,
Mum had to buy all our school clothes
from the army surplus store.
Yeah, it's true.
I tell you what, it's bloody tough
for a 5-year-old boy...
going to school
dressed as a Japanese admiral.
Hey, I'll tell you guys a joke.
I'll tell you guys a joke.
This IRA terrorist
arrives at the Pearly Gates,
and he's met by St. Peter,
who asks his name.
"O'Shaunessy,"
says the Irishman.
Nah, cut it out, cut it out.
Serious. Serious.
'Ah, Mr. O'Shaunessy,'
says St. Peter looking in his big book.
'I see here that you're responsible for a
number of bombings in the Derry district...
'that resulted in the deaths
of over 20 people',
'including 6 members
of the Royal Ulster Constabulary'.
'That's right,' said O'Shaunessy.
'Well, I'm sorry',
says St. Peter,
'but you can't come into heaven'.
'I don't want to come in.
I'm giving you five minutes to get out!'
Hey, Billy.
Billy!
Hey, thanks, man.
I'll tell you what, you come back
next Saturday, I'll double your fee.
Right.
And how much
is he paying you now, Billy?
And I thought Billy
was supposed to be the comedian.
Elaine Hegan.
Um... this is my wife,
Lynn.
This boy doesn't get out of bed for less
than 250 and his own dressing room.
Hey, he had one lucky night.
Come on, we're leaving.
I think we should follow her.
Hey, sorry, mate,
but I'm with the girls.
Okay!
and his own dressing room.
So, tell me why you left the Volcanics.
Most musos would kill for a gig like that.
Oh, I just got bored with doing
the same thing night after night.
And I've always wanted
my own solo career.
Well, the crowd loved you.
What'd you think?
- You're good.
- Good enough to get on TV?
Give him an inch
and he takes a bloody mile.
In the UK, Television's
the only way to make it big.
Bugger all entertainers
get on the box here,
and let's not forget you're Maori.
Doesn't mean it can't happen.
I'd like to represent you, Billy.
I'm hands on.
I take 20% of your earnings,
but I look after your tax,
rent and everything else.
I give you a weekly wage and anything
extra goes into an account for your future.
Work hard, do what I tell you
and I'll make sure you get what you want.
Well?
When's my first gig?
Tomorrow night.
Wear this tux
and don't turn up late or drunk.
Break it up!
It's a rough night, eh?
Wait till they get pissed.
All right?
Yeah.
Who's that bloke?
Tom Parkinson.
Head honcho from TV.
Oh, bloody hell.
I convinced him
you were worth looking at.
Don't like your chances
with this lot, though.
Kia ora, kia ora, kia ora.
I'm Billy T. James.
Kia ora, I'm Billy...
Shut up!
That's better. Now you can all shut up
while I tell you a little bit about myself.
See, I'm part Maori and I'm part Scottish,
which means part of me likes to get pissed,
but the other part doesn't like to
pay for it, a little bit like you lot, eh?
So, Rangi walks into a bar, right,
and he's only wearing one jandal.
He gets himself a drink,
and then a couple of minutes later,
another guy walks into the bar...
carrying a jandal.
He sees Rangi,
and he goes up to him, and he says,
'Hey, mate, have you lost a jandal?'
And Rangi says,
'Nah, I've found one'.
I meet a lotta kids, and have you ever
noticed how different they are nowadays?
Like a, um... a Caucasian kid
will come up to me, and he'll say,
'Oh, hi, Billy.
Can I have an autograph, please?'
So I'll give him an autograph.
I'll send him off on his way.
Whereas a Maori kid will come up
and say,
'Billy! Give two bucks!'
And he'll wait for it.
And then he'll say,
'Hey, can I have it in 20 cent pieces?'
Just like the other day. The other day
I was in Glen Eden, right?
And these, um... these Maori kids,
they come up to me and they said...
'Gidday, Billy.
Do you wanna buy a cheap car?'
And I said,
Okay, what's wrong with it?'
They said, 'Oh, it's just got
a bit of water in the carb'.
And I said, 'Oh, is that all? Where is it?'
And they said, 'In the harbour'.
Bloody stupid, eh?
Thank you.
Thanks very much.
A pleasure.
Great show, Billy. Couldn't believe
the way you won over that crowd.
Well, at the end of the day,
everybody likes to laugh.
I just try to remember that
when I'm up there.
I've never seen anything like it.
So, what's your schedule like?
Can we get together?
If it means you want to
audition him for a TV show.
Hell, no.
I want him to star in a TV show.
England before the Second World War.
It's a radio variety show, but it's on TV.
I just don't see it.
Whole lot of different radio characters,
songs, gags, backup singers. You know.
And where do I fit in?
The show's MC is a dapper,
upper-class Englishman,
Dexter Fitzgibbons,
played... by you.
Tom, in case you hadn't noticed,
Billy's a bloody Maori.
Read.
Good evening,
and welcome to Radio Times.
My name is Dexter Fitzgibbons.
Tonight, the case of the
innocent milkmaid and the bubbling brook.
There. There, you see?
He's perfect.
He might sound like a pom,
but he hardly looks like one.
Never underestimate what can be done
with a bow tie and a bit of Brylcreem.
Good evening, listeners.
Snuggle back in your easy chair
and join your host, Dexter Fitzgibbons,
for another edition
of Radio Times.
Good evening, listeners.
Welcome to Radio Times.
My name is Dexter Fitzgibbons.
Join me for an hour of lilting lyrics
and gripping serials.
Tonight the tale of the mysterious
punch up the conker.
HONK! HONK!
One day a beautiful milkmaid
was sitting by a bubbling brook.
# Leaf falls to kiss the
image of a mountain.
# The early morning mist
has ceased to play.
Morning, hon.
Hmm. Have you read these?
'I don't know whether Billy James'...
'comes from Willis street
in Wellington or Waipukurau',
'but he should be kept
chained to a microphone from now on'.
'He is the best
in the light entertainment field'...
'since Howard Morrison
decided to call it a day'.
That will really piss
uncle Howie off, eh?
And so it should.
Mmm-mm-mm.
Oh, oh. I gotta go.
Gotta go.
# 'Damn the dam,'
cried the fantail as he flew into...
Hey!
- Oh.
- Ahem.
- Mmm.
- Mm-mm.
Promise me you'll have a sleep
before the show.
Yes, ma'am.
# All this beauty has to die. #
- Oah,
- Hey, bro.
Hey, I'll take those for you.
- Thank you.
- Airport, eh?
- Yeah.
- Oh, okay.
So, where you heading today,
brother?
Uh... Christchurch.
Christchurch. Oh, are you?
Well, what do you do for a Christ?
I'm an actor.
Aren't we all, bro? Aren't we all?
No, no,
I really am an actor.
Yeah? You been on the TV?
'Cos I watch a lotta TV.
Um...
I'm on Radio Times.
Holy, that... that's my top show.
What part do you play?
The MC, Dexter Fitzgibbons.
No, man,
that's an English fella.
You, my brother,
you're as Maori as me, bro.
But, uh...
full marks for trying, okay?
- GIGGLES]
- Full marks.
Ooh. Tena koutou.
The Kaikohe Police Station
was burgled last night.
The burglars
took their toilet... ew, yuk.
Today the cops said they've got
nothing to go on.
Yeah, dumb, eh?
Police are also on the lookout
for a man... masquer...
pretending to be
a Maori language teacher.
Students got suspicious when he said
the Maori word for fast food was takeaway
and the Maori word for aerial
was coat-hanger.
'And cut'. Fantastic, Bill.
Uh, that's a buy, everyone.
Kia ora, Billy.
Joe from Te Taonga.
Ah, hi! Come.
Come on.
Billy, aren't you stereotyping Maori
with some of your material?
No way. Look, that character
with the yellow towel...
I lived with a guy in a hostel
who wore a towel like that.
There are people who speak just like that.
I'm not really stereotyping anyone.
I'm just portraying people
that I know.
But you're the country's
most popular entertainer.
A million New Zealanders
watch you on TV.
As a Maori, don't you have a
responsibility not to do racist humour?
Who says that it's racist?
People are laughing at me because
I'm being the silly Maori character.
Then they all of a sudden, they realise
they're laughing at me laughing at them.
That's not racist,
that's people laughing.
And speaking of which,
I've got a hall...
full of Maoris waiting for me
in the Waikato tonight.
Something that makes me laugh is the
difference between Maoris and Pakehas.
For example, a Pakeha will walk into
a post office, and he'll say,
'Ah, excuse me, but there...
there seems to be a minor discrepancy...
with my telephone account.
'Uh, I... I wonder if you wouldn't mind
taking a look at it for me, please'?
'Thank you'.
Whereas a... a Maori
would handle the situation like this.
Uh, they'd go into the post office,
and they'd say,
'Hey! I didn't make any
bloody phone calls to Rotorua!'
See this fella here. This fella's laughing
because he's done it before.
It's to Mary.
Here we go.
Thank you for coming.
- Thank you, Billy.
- Yeah, see you later.
Thanks for coming.
Kia ora.
- Chur, oi.
- Ike.
Stephen.
Pleased to meet you, bro.
Hi.
Awesome show, man.
I'm a big fan.
Oh, you don't feel degraded
by my act, then, Ike?
Oh, why would I?
Some people feel I degrade Maoris.
Anyone here tonight
look like they feel degraded?
Hey, uh, you into a smoke, bro?
Hell, yeah.
Some of that stuff you were doing tonight
it could stand up anywhere in the world.
You reckon?
Oh yeah, man, you gotta
get yourself to Vegas.
Ah, I don't know, eh, my agent reckons
I need to build a following here first.
Eh, you're the boss. Don't let some
agent tell you what you can do.
Nah, Elaine's cool.
You know, she...
makes sure my bills are paid and
makes sure I get a pretty good wage.
She pays you wages?
That's fucked, man!
You're the one earning the dough.
You should be paying her wages, eh?
It's your career, though.
Surely you make the big decisions,
write the cheques and stuff?
Nah, she does all that stuff.
How much money do you reckon
this gig would've pulled in tonight?
This guy knows his shit.
Over five grand... How much of that
do you end up getting?
Oh, she's got you by the short
and curlies, cuz.
Some good weed, man.
Yeah, it's a hybrid.
Here you go.
Whoa, whoa.
Maybe you'd better ring Elaine first...
ask her
if you're allowed to inhale.
Billy! Billy! Oh, that was a primo
good show, cuz! Yeah.
- Good on you, Billy.
- Thanks, mate.
- How you doing?
- You were great, Billy.
- Good one, Billy.
- Thanks, mate.
Take a photo.
It'll last longer.
I only take photos
of good-looking people,
not kids with bags
stuck to their faces.
It's not stuck, all right?
Got any money?
Jesus, kid. Why aren't you at home
with your family?
Why aren't you at home
with your missus?
Having an affair
or something?
Check it out.
How can you be a comedian
when you're such a dry-balls?
And what does the "T" stand for?
What do you reckon?
Tania.
That's a good one.
Well, you know my name. What's yours?
Kura Manutai.
Where all your mates, Kura?
Where's all your mates, Billy?
Thought so.
You buy yourself a feed, eh?
No glue, right?
Whatever.
# You've taken the sweet wine
out of my life. #
Sir Robert's shock announcement
of a snap election...
was made after a special caucus meeting
when Parliament rose last night.
Sir Robert then paid a late-night visit
to the Governor General,
who agreed to call an early
General Election for...
Time to get up, hon.
It doesn't give him much time
to run up to an election, Prime Minister.
Doesn't give my opponents much time
to run up to an election, does it?
Oh, hey, bub.
What you doing here?
Auntie Lynn picked me up.
Okay, put those cats away
and wash your hands.
There's Weet-Bix and toast
on the bench.
What happened?
The boyfriend is what happened.
Oh, I just wish my sister
would kick him out for good.
Cherie might be with us
for a while this time.
She's family.
You need to get her to school by 9,
then you're meeting Elaine,
and then you're dropping off
those frozen dinners to your dad.
This is my one day off.
You need to put your foot down
with Elaine. We need you too.
I will.
Bye, sweetheart.
You crook?
Yeah, sort of.
I feel crook too.
One of the cats spewed up.
Well, some days
are just hard, eh, bub?
Billy.
Billy!
Wake up.
Oh.
I was meant to take Cherie
to school. Sorry, bub.
We only have athletics.
They make us run around the goalposts
till our lungs collapse.
You also missed
your meeting with me.
I'm exhausted, Elaine.
Well, that's the price you pay
for success.
Oh, it's not just the work.
Oh Jesus, not marriage trouble?
No.
I like to make people happy,
but... it just doesn't stop.
I... I walk into a cafe,
and everyone stares at me.
The staff wants... want autographs
for their kids, of course,
and then some guy will come up to me
and start spouting off these stupid jokes.
Get harassed by Maoris
for selling out and then...
It's because you're famous.
I know you don't like all the attention,
but it's because of those people
you got this far, son.
You need to learn
how to deal with it.
Yeah, by staying home
and sleeping.
Oh, please.
Don't become an arsehole, Billy.
I understand.
You're burnt out.
I understand, love.
Thank you.
I'll make us some breakfast, and then
we can talk about your next TV series.
We got the thumbs up.
That's bloody fantastic.
Elaine?
If you've got something you need
to tell me, Billy, then just do it.
I want my own chequebook.
Is that all? Of course
you can have your own chequebook.
# Ooh, ooh-ooh-ooh...
You couldn't get up this morning,
you were so tired...
and you didn't manage
to get Cherie to school.
- What?
- That is not the face of a child...
who's been at athletics all day.
You need to stand up to Elaine
or she'll tour you to death.
Hey, sold-out shows.
Hey!
You smoke too much and eat junk
and work too hard.
I don't give a damn
about sold-out shows.
Hey. Hey, hey, hey.
I'll finish the tour,
finish the TV show,
then I'll tell Elaine
I have to slow down, okay?
# Beautiful children have
come into my life.
# Beautiful people,...
# Oh, oh, oh.
# Oh, young and bright.
# Beautiful children
# longing for life.
Whose place is this?
# Worldly people...
# Oh, oh, oh.
# Take away the night.
You're kidding.
Oh, no, there is no way
we can afford this house.
This is the result
of me working so hard.
I like it.
I really like it.
Whoa...
that's so cool!
It's a place for children.
Hey, love.
We won't be having any, Billy.
# Maybe the world
will turn around.
Well...
we have each other.
And we have Cherie.
That's plenty, I reckon.
# Beautiful children have
come into my life.
# Beautiful people.
# Oh, oh, oh.
# Oh. #
Would you accept
six barrels of gun powder,
for your women,
a quantity of tobacco for your men
and some glue for your children?
How say you, savage?
Have you got any money?
Cut.
Yeah, great stuff. Let's set up
for the next scene, everyone.
Hey.
That's a great sketch.
I don't know, mate.
Hey...
Maoris trading land for glue
for their children?
There is a heap of Maori kids out there
sniffing glue. I see them every day.
And you wanna take the piss?
There's a message
in the laughter, mate.
Bill, you realise you're the one's
gonna cop the flak, not me.
Bring it on.
Hey, who's that prick?
That prick is my manager.
I thought Elaine was your manager.
Yeah, Ike's more like my...
my personal manager.
He's got all the best...
'contacts'.
Oh.
Why not?
Where did I get my bag?
Oh, I pinched it, eh.
A pen. Come on, I need a pen.
Oh.
Oh, hi!
What a surprise!
- You all right?
- Yeah. Yeah, we're fine.
Uh, nice to see you, Lynn.
You guys hungry?
Ah.
We have catering.
Come on.
This came today. It's from the government.
I had to hold myself back from opening it.
Ooh.
Oh, here we go.
- Hey, Rowley.
- Yep?
I'm not that stupid, mate.
Don't know
what you're talking about.
This fake letter.
It's not funny telling somebody
they've got an MBE.
I didn't send you a letter.
Oh shit!
Billy's been offered an MBE.
Oh, whoo-ee, boy.
When did they start
handing out gongs to entertainers?
Oh, highest-rating TV series ever.
Entertainer of the decade,
that's all.
You must be the first Maori
to get a gong like that, eh?
Howard Morrison got an OBE.
Yeah, but his OBE stands for
'Ordinary Brown Entertainer'.
Oh, I wish Mum was here.
I can just hear her right now, eh?
'Billy, don't worry about that
MBE thingy.
'If you'd done what I said
and stayed a traffic cop,
you'd have a blimmin'
knighthood by now'.
Now it's middle-class Pakehas
telling me I put down my own people.
Oh, the public love you.
That's all that matters.
The cats took off, Dad.
I can't find them anywhere.
Come on. It's all right.
They'll be back for dinner.
Can you take those off inside, please?
And I've told you before,
don't bring home your mates' things.
They're mine.
Hey.
I thought we agreed,
Cherie needs to earn her presents.
Yes, but as my mum used to say,
you can never give a child too much love.
Love is one thing.
Spoiling is another, Bill.
Hey.
Hey. How you doing?
Oh my God.
- What's that?
- It's a death threat.
Who would do this?
Oh! Whoa!
- Cherie, get in the house now!
- Jesus!
- Ow!
- It's all right, sweetheart.
You okay, sweetheart?
I'll call Elaine and cancel the gig.
It's probably some sort of prank.
And what if it's not, eh?
We can't let threats like this
control our lives. Now off you go.
Please?
Just go.
It's okay. Go.
Go.
It's okay.
Make sure all the doors
and the windows are locked, alright?
Alright, the trouble is, Billy,
this bloody Labour government's
selling out to the Maoris.
I mean don't get me wrong, I love Maoris,
but if a few more of them were like you...
Thanks, Rick.
I'm really glad to meet you, mate.
I'm glad you enjoyed the show.
Thanks, you want a drink?
- Nice work.
- Glad you liked the show.
I meant keeping that racist
Pakeha happy.
He did pay money
to see you, after all.
You spent two hours insulting Maori,
portraying us as halfwits,
and you don't have the courage to confront
Pakeha when they're openly racist.
No wonder they love you.
What is it with Maoris, man?
The bloody Jews went through a holocaust,
but they can still laugh at themselves.
I'm just a comedian, okay?
Nah, you're a potato.
Brown on the outside, white on the inside.
Okay.
I'll see you around, brother.
You're not my brother.
My brothers don't sell out.
Listen, mate. Every morning I wake up
and I look in the mirror...
and I know what colour I am.
So don't tell me that I'm not
a real may-or-ree, okay?
Really?
So if you're a real Maori...
then you'll understand
what I'm saying.
You don't even understand
your own language.
It's just easier to sit on your arse
and take the piss, eh, Billy?
Your redneck mates
are waiting for you.
Hey.
Who you calling rednecks,
arsehole?
Hey. Hey, Rick, this is, uh...
this is actually a family friend of mine.
He got hit on the head by a bus
when he was 4 years old.
Although he was the only one of us
that managed to get to university.
All right, fair enough.
Get that down you, Billy.
Thanks, mate.
Hey, those kids over there
say they're related.
(CHUCKLES]
Your birth whanau.
Oh, I've had enough, mate.
I just wanna go home.
That's Taupiri Mountain, where my mum's
buried. Just saying gidday.
Eh, kia ora, Mum!
You going next to her
one day, my man?
Where you're buried depends on your
standing in the tribe,
so I won't even make it
past the front gate.
The thing is...
some Maori look at you...
and they see your Pakeha agent and all
those Pakeha running your TV shows.
It wouldn't happen
if you ran things yourself.
- Nah, it's not me, eh?
- It's not as hard as it sounds.
Start your own company
to take care of the live gigs, TV.
And the big Hollywood movies.
Like a factory where you do
whatever you want the way you want to.
A dream factory.
Oh, I love it, mate! The Dream Factory,
whoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo! Ah...
Nah, I couldn't drop Elaine.
I reckon she's been ripping you off
for years, man.
Easy. Elaine's a good lady
who's served him well.
But times have changed, and now
he's looking to move on, that's all.
Oh, I don't know, mate.
Hire people to take care of the business,
like you hire Ike, but you'd be in control.
And what do I say to Elaine?
Write her a letter.
You don't even have to talk to her.
There's money to be made, Billy.
Look at the sharemarket, it's booming.
Ooh, I can see it now...
the Dream Factory! Yeah!
# I said Maori people gotta wake up,
gotta think of the cause.
# Can you feel it coming? #
The Tribunal wants Maori
as an official language...
in dealings
with government departments...
and local bodies, which would require
bilingual qualifications...
Get that. If you want to,
you can speak Maori in the courts or...
Parliament or...
wherever nowadays.
Back in my mum's day, kids used to get
the strap for speaking Maori.
What's up?
This boy at school told everyone that
Billy T. James isn't my real dad.
What do you think about that?
You're the one that's always here.
Well...
that makes me pretty real, eh?
Hey!
Oi!
Mate!
Come in, come in.
Here. I've got it right here.
Ladies.
Oh.
Whisky!
Yeah, sure.
Lynn! Cherie!
Get down!
Oh. Oh my God.
- Come here! Come! Come here!
- Quick, Cherie!
Quickly!
- Dad, I'm scared!
- Keep down.
Those bastards
have cut the phone lines.
It's because you're dialling 9-9-9.
Billy, you're not in England!
Hey, can't see anyone out there.
'The only way you're going
to get an MBE, is dead in a box'.
Get Cherie outta here.
- No, we're staying...
- Just do it, Lynn!
Hey, nobody attacks my family
and gets away with it.
The cops seem to think
Ike could be involved somehow.
They said he associates
with various unsavoury characters.
No, he's a good man.
- Billy, he had a gun.
- He was protecting my family.
They said if he owed money
to any of his drug dealers,
- they may take it out on you.
- They're stories.
And the cats, Billy.
Both of them garrotted, why the hell
didn't you tell me? This is my life too.
I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I...
I didn't wanna upset you or Cherie.
If for some reason people wanna hurt you,
then that scares me.
No one..
is gonna get near us.
We'll move somewhere
they can't find us, lots of security.
Which will cost lots of money.
Lynn, I made almost
a million bucks last year.
We're moving.
The gag is
I have the black pieces...
- Dad!
- but I'm white.
- And you being...
- Dad.
Give us 20 bucks?
You get your
pocket money on Friday.
But Di's mum's taking us shopping...
and then I'll just be standing there
like a dork while they buy stuff.
Oh.
Oh, well now. Oh. Oh, sorry.
Can't be looking like a dork.
There you go.
Come here.
Love you lots.
What?
You are a pushover.
She's my little girl.
- Right, uh... back to work. Uh... uh...
- Okay.
- Marae Witness News.
- What?
Um... I... I was thinking, okay?
Um...
imagine a... marijuana bust,
so there's this constant,
like burning of dope...
- in the background...
- Oh, hey, mate, sorry,
I forgot, I invited the boys over
for a company meeting.
But, uh...
we... we're writing.
Uh... tomorrow.
Tomorrow, then.
Whoo! We've come to christen
the new whare!
And... I've put together the plans
for the Dream Factory.
It covers everything you do now
and everything that lies ahead.
Right, and Elaine?
Taken care of.
A letter from you to her.
Just sign right there.
It's a bit on the nose, man.
Elaine's a professional.
She's used to this kinda thing.
Ka pai, e hoa.
Well, here we go.
To the Dream Factory.
The Dream Factory.
Chris.
Oh!
Oh... my... God,
I have been so...
worried!
Hell, you look terrible.
Oh!
But, I have the magic cure.
That's left over
from the last Christmas.
Never have anyone
around these days,
so it just sits there all alone
and I sit here all alone.
None for me.
A teeny, tiny one.
Oh my...
I saw what happened on the news.
Must've been bloody scary.
You just have no idea who's doing this
or when it might happen again.
I've never seen Billy that angry.
And what about you?
- Me?
- How are you handling all of this?
It's not just the threats.
Billy's got himself caught up
with these... crooks.
Oh, love.
I don't wanna interfere. I keep thinking
Bill will sort it out for himself.
I just can't believe
it's even happening.
Billy hangs off their every word,
and I...
I feel like
I'm losing him.
You are Billy's world,
but, you know what he's like.
He's...
too bloody easy-going.
He needs to get real.
You gotta tell him, girl.
So, what're you doing today?
The boys are coming over, we're doing
some work on the Dream Factory.
The Dream Factory?
Yeah. Everything all under one roof,
TV, commercials, live work.
Where does Elaine fit in?
I've... I've written and told her
I no longer require her services.
You wrote to her?
Yeah, it's better
to make a clean cut.
You should have
spoken to her, Billy.
Well, Stephen reckons
it's better this way.
After all she's done for you.
All of this...
this is all thanks to Elaine.
Okay, I'll...
I'll give her a call.
Why bother when you can
speak to her face to face?
I have to go.
Who are these people?
I've been in this business
for over 30 years,
and I've not heard of one of them.
They're just after your money, Billy!
Where's your loyalty?
I just think that it's time
to move on, expand.
Now I've built up your career.
You think you could've done it alone?
No, and I'm grateful, Elaine.
Oh yeah, really bloody grateful!
What the hell is this?
I need to think about my future.
I thought I was already
doing that, Billy.
What happened to the lovely young
Maori boy who wanted to be an entertainer?
It's not what I wanted to happen.
Elaine... I'm the boss...
and I make the rules.
You're my agent.
I'll let the boys know where we stand.
Elaine's only taking care
of my live gigs.
The Dream Factory
will still control the rest.
Bro, it's the live gigs
that make the most money.
That's all changing.
Film, TV, merchandising,
that is where all the big money is,
especially when we go international.
The sharemarket is hot,
and there are a lotta big companies...
begging me to do
corporate stuff for them.
But your live gigs would've provided
the cash to set up the Dream Factory.
And...
And they still can.
Just tell me how much.
Well, maybe we can make
a start, then.
In seconds, millions of dollars were wiped
from the paper value of leading companies.
For many investors it was just
'sell me out at any price'.
# Round and around and around
with its own sound.
# Round and around, I don't
need to be there.
# Round and around and
around with its own sound
# cos something has to give. #
Pete. How's it going?
At last we meet.
Flash joint you got here.
Can you get uncle Pete
a cup of tea, please, love?
Oh, tea?
How positively smashing.
Hmm. Come on.
Did you hear the good news
about the TV show?
Uh... what good news?
Bigger budget, new director,
new producer and, get this,
we're even filming some of it
in the States.
We're doing all right now,
aren't we?
Yeah.
What's with all the new
party tricks?
Is everything cool, man?
Yeah.
Just sign here, Bill.
That oughta do it, right?
Bill... you're not paying
for all of this yourself?
Thank you.
Uh, right. Uh... let's just get started
on the scripts, eh?
Hey, Pete?
What?
We're... we're putting together a range
of merchandising and... and action figures,
so I don't have the time today.
Billy, we have got
a TV show to write.
And I'm also running the company
that's making that show.
It's...
it's not all about you, mate.
Maybe, you wanna let me know
when you do have some time.
The expensive costumes... great.
Now, guns.
Director, the tanks are great.
You know, and this is without a doubt the,
uh, best catering I've ever had in my life.
There's just one problem.
And what's that, Pete?
It's not fucking funny.
It makes me laugh.
Bullshit. You hired a director who wouldn't
know a joke, if it bit him in the arse.
And scripts, you're too busy making little
action figures of yourself to finish them.
Hey, it'll be okay, mate.
Who? No, I'll be okay, because no one
gives a shit about me.
Okay. I'll... I'll have a word
with the director over lunch.
Where you off to?
Someone has to tell that
prick he's useless.
Don't do that.
You gonna do it?
No. No, I didn't think so.
Oi, you.
Future profits, good management,
dividends and bonus shares...
none of those seem to matter.
For many investors it was just
'sell me out at any price'.
Hey.
You're just in time for lunch.
What's this?
It's from the IRD.
No, this is a mistake. I...
I don't owe them 200 grand.
I've called.
There's no mistake.
Not much of a dream now, is it?
I'll, um... I'll sit down
with Stephen and Ike tonight...
and we can go over all the accounts.
You've got a live gig tonight.
Today. I'll do it today, then.
You're filming today.
You don't have time.
Oh, I can't believe you left those...
those two in charge of everything.
Hey, hey.
Hey, hey, hey.
Hey, why don't you just
leave this for now and come home?
I just need to sort this out.
Listen to me. All of this...
money and fame, none of it matters.
I want my Billy back.
It's alright. I'm gonna straighten this
all out, love.
There'll be some big changes.
Now go on. Go home.
Don't worry about me.
- Yeah, but...
- Please?
- See you at home.
- Yeah.
I've just been fired. Producer said
it's the Dream Factory's show, not mine.
No. No, mate, this is my show, and I can't
do it without you. I... I'll have a word.
Will you? Will you really?
It's always the same, Billy.
When... when it comes to the crunch,
you're a spineless, bloody goff.
- Pete.
- Make your own fucking show!
No, don't go, mate.
Then get that producer in here right now
and demand he reinstates me!
You don't even have the balls
to stick up for your best mate.
Hey, we can sort it out, mate!
Oh shit.
I'm afraid the bypass ended up
putting more strain on your heart, Billy.
A transplant
is the only option left.
How long will we have to wait?
Well, we need to find
a suitable donor.
Doc.
Just make sure
you don't get a Maori donor.
Why's that?
'Cos if you get
a Maori heart,
in 140 years
he'll just want the bugger back.
Well, I'll bear that in mind.
Well, you get some rest now.
Hey.
Hey, love.
I'll be back on the road
and pay the tax in no time.
Don't even think about it.
They're off our backs
for the time being.
There's someone here
who wants to see you.
Morning, Mr. Black.
You'd think the hospital could've
come up with a more original name.
Yeah, I wanted...
I wanted to be Mr White, but...
the doc reckons
no one'd believe me.
I stuffed up.
Yes, you did.
I wasn't seeing what I had in front of me.
I was... looking everywhere else.
I don't know why I did it.
I...
I just wanted people to think
the most of me, you know,
like me.
Billy, love,
the ones that count already do.
Hey, hey.
I'm sorry.
It's not over, Billy.
You're gonna get a good, strong heart,
then Lynn's gonna take you home,
and I promise you,
pretty soon you'll be back on stage,
doing what you love.
It's gonna be all right, Billy.
You can wait here with us.
Elaine's with him.
Hey.
Poor old Billy, eh?
I feel terrible.
IRD still after him?
Yeah.
Don't you dare tell Billy that.
Anyone from the Dream Factory
been to visit?
They took off.
Disappeared
off the face of the earth.
Lynn.
I'm sorry.
For what?
I was an arsehole.
Well, if Billy listened
to a few more arseholes like you,
he'd be better off
than he is now.
You okay?
Never better. Let me at 'em.
- Good luck, Dad.
- Thanks, love.
Every person here has paid
for his or her own ticket.
It's for a
very good cause, indeed.
We're all here
for the same reason,
and that's to see the man I'm proud to say
is one of the nicest guys in the biz.
Here to entertain you tonight,
Mr. Billy T. James.
Shut up. Shut up.
Wow.
With all the things going on in the world,
whoever thought, say... 20 years ago,
whoever thought that they'd
never get to the year 1990.
Put up your hands if you thought
you'd never get to see the year 1990.
What? Just me? Is that it?
Yeah, in spite everything that's
happened to me in the past 10 years,
I've gotta say
I've had a real shit of a decade.
No, no. No, I'm sorry,
I'm sorry,
but it's the only way to describe...
what's happened to me
in the past 10 years.
You see, in the past 10 years...
I have been spat at, shot at,
hassled, abused, threatened,
throttled, I've been cut open,
sewn up, cut open again,
had something pulled out,
something put back in, sewn up again.
I've been chased by
the Inland Revenue Department.
Caught
by the Inland Revenue Department.
Bloody government
revoked my fish quota licence.
Yes! My lawyer's living in Honolulu.
My accountant's been put away
for misappropriation.
Bloody kids are sniffing aviation fuel.
Missus has taken off
with an Asian smack dealer.
I've got a Roller with a slashed soft top,
a Merc with a cracked head,
bloody swimming pool overflowed
and flooded the tennis court.
Oh, I tell you what, it's bloody hard
being a Maori today, eh?