1
All right, sweetie, I'll
see you in a few days.
Drive safe, lover.
Evening, Shirley.
Aw, shit. This won't last me to Franklin.
Hello? Anybody in there?
Figures. I bust my ass to get here
on time, and everybody else is late.
One... two... three!
Come on out!
All right, now, I ain't foolin around.
You know what I'm gonna do when I find you?
Shit... my pans.
I'm gonna kick your ass, that's what!
Not again, baby!
I don't know what's wrong.
It's never done this before.
Not since the last three
times we've been together.
What're you saying?
Nothing, nothing.
Look, I'm taking a big chance,
meeting you here like this.
If my husband found out...
He'd divorce you.
Then where would you get
your booze money from?
That's right! So you'd better
make it worth my while,
cause if it's not you, it's gonna be Mr.
Beam or Mr. Daniels.
Makes no difference to me.
Yeah?
Have you seen your brother Walsh?
He didn't show up for his shift.
How should I know? I'm not his keeper.
If he's not here in ten minutes, he's fired.
So?
So did he pay you back
the two hundred dollars?
Can the Bank of Brewster afford another loan?
Now, I don't want to fire him,
but what choice do I have?
Of course, if you took over his route,
then my little problem would be settled, and
I'd be willing to overlook his
no-show. This time.
Caplan, you know they took my license away,
and you know why.
Then don't get caught!
Okay. Okay, Mr. Caplan, I'll be right there.
You're delivering a shipment
to a funeral home in Topeka.
The paperwork will be in
the cab of the truck.
You just show up and take off.
Now, get your ass over here!
Didn't you drop Walsh off at work?
Yes, why?
Well, Caplan says he's not there.
Oh my god! Maybe he knows about us!
Maybe he's on his way here right now!
How would he know about us?
I don't know, but you have to leave!
Okay, I'm going! I have to
take over his route anyway.
No use in hanging around here.
Get out! Just go!
Bitch! You drop these once,
and they're only good for butt plugs!
Drive safe, lover.
Hey, Caplan!
Caplan!
Asshole.
Damn it! These are my good boots!
Drive straight ahead.
Continue for twenty-five miles.
Tyler.
Yeah!
Tony?
Yes.
Tucker.
Once.
Ubaydalah!
You really think I'd have sex with some guy
named Ubaydalah?
Yeah.
Zackary!
Does oral count?
If you're a conservative, yes.
It's hot. I'm getting sticky in my pants.
That always was your trouble.
That's always been your trouble.
Ha!
I am what I am, and you love it.
No, I love you...
Me, too.
not hearing the erotic misadventures
of your one-eyed wanderer.
And yet, you're the one doing the counting.
Look, it was your idea to take this trip.
"Let's backpack across the country.
It'll help us reconnect," you said.
Then why don't you go
home? Why are you still here?
Because I want it to work. I want US to work.
And when you can say you love me back,
instead of "Me, too," then
I'll know we can make it.
Do you know what my biggest fantasy is?
That thing with the carrot?
Let me rephrase the question...
Do you know how I'd like to
spend my last moment on Earth?
Curled up in bed with you.
My arms around your chest,
pressed up against your back.
My lips on your skin, as I
said my last goodbye.
What would you say to that?
"Ugh! I'm being hugged by a corpse!"
C'm0n! What's the holdup?
I thought I heard
something fall into the creek.
So a squirrel dropped
a nut or something. Let's go.
What are you doing?
YouTube.
What are you doing?
My feet hurt. I want to ride a while.
He won't stop. It's against their rules.
Hi! Where ya headed?
West.
Perfect!
I thought we were going south!
Eventually.
Hey! Put your ass in gear, fellas!
Where are the seatbelts?
Seatbelts are for pussies.
Been travelling a while?
Days. Only we're footing it.
Hey, isn't it against the rules
for you to pick up hitchhikers?
You complaining?
Don't mind him. He's an idiot.
I'm Vogel, and this is Cary.
Charmed.
Cary? Isn't that a girl's name?
Different spelling.
Right. How often do you have to spell it?
There are lots of guys named Cary.
Name one.
Cary Grant.
Name another.
Cary Elwes!
Who the fuck is Cary Elwes?
Hello? PRINCESS BRIDE?
Well, my feet are killing me.
I'm gonna catch a quick snooze
while you two intellectual
giants battle it out.
Uh-uh. The only reason I picked you up
is so you could talk to me
to help me stay awake.
Let's take shifts. I'll grab a few winks,
and Cary here will talk to
you about anything you want.
So?
You like sports?
Who's your favorite football team?
The Colts.
Awesome. Good team. They're
really doing great this year.
Who's your favourite player?
Peyton Manning.
C'mon! Peyton Manning?
Everyone says Peyton Manning. Who else?
Who's yours?
Well, I like Dallas Clark, but Reggie Wayne,
Don Brown, Robert Mathis, they're all good.
So, do you think the Colts will win the Bowl?
I said, do you think the Colts
will win the Bowl?
Well?
The defensive line is going to have to
pick it up against the Saint's offence,
especially with Drew Brees and
Reggie Bush in the backfield.
Their offensive line is going
to have to hold the blocks
long enough to give Manning
time to throw the ball.
Seriously, though "Cary"? Total girl's name.
Hey, let's get a bite to eat
then get back on the road.
Put er in gear, fella.
Brewster! Good lord, boy! I haven't
seen you in, I don't how long.
Been a long time, sweetheart.
I'll say! Last time I saw
you, I was still a virgin!
Last time I saw you
was the last time you were!
Anyway, who's your friends?
Just a couple guys I picked up.
Well, howdy, fellas. Plant your
keisters and place your orders.
Burger for me.
Make it two.
And how about you, honey?
Oh, I don't know. It all looks so good.
Do you have a restroom?
Out back. But the food's better in here.
Oh, and hey, honey! If you see a pair of
pokey-dot panties in there, be a
doll and bring em in with ya.
I think I left them by accident
when I took my morning dinkie!
Two burgers!
I guess this is what
hell's gonna look like...
When Vogel gets there.
C'mon!
I believe in you. C'mon!
Close enough.
Vogel, what are you doing?
I wanna fuck you.
No! Oh, no! No way! Not here!
Oh, c'mon! It'll be just like that
motel we stayed at in Fairvale.
That place didn't smell like ass.
How was it, handsome?
Same as I remember it. Hey, how long was it
on the road before you
scraped it up and fried it?
Shame we charge so much for it, isn't it?
Hey, bag that burger.
He can eat it to go.
Say, what are you carrying today, Brewster?
Anything that nobody
notice if one went missing?
Why, sure, darling.
I'm sure there's one in the back
that would fit you just fine.
Really? Would I get a lot of use from it?
Oh, yeah. You'd use it a long time.
Nice. What is it?
Coffins.
Coffins?! A coffin?! Are you nuts?
What would I do with a coffin?
We all need one eventually, darlin.
Not me. I'm gonna be
cremated and have my ashes
mailed to Val Kilmer.
What the hell are you doing?
I wanna see the coffins!
What for? You never seen a coffin before?
Be a good girl and get back inside.
Well, all right. Drive safe
and watch your backside.
Turn right onto Grover Mill Road.
Brewster!
Brewster!
Damn it! I told you to keep me awake!
We could have been killed!
Well, that's what we were doing.
We were playing "Punch Buggy."
Have you seen a Volkswagen on this road?
Have you seen a car in the last two hours?
I just saw one. Real close!
Hey! Cram it with walnuts, Cary!
Hey, mudflap! Don't get pissed off
because you almost killed us!
Hey! Don't touch me! I'll flatten ya!
Get your hands over him!
Hey!
Congratulations. You have
reached your destination.
This can't be it. This ain't no funeral home.
Can you see the address?
No.
You have reached your destination.
Maybe you put the wrong address in.
It's pre-programmed.
Maybe it's in the back!
Okay, okay! So what are you gonna do?
Well, I'm blocking the road.
I don't really have a choice.
Grab your wieners and pray for rain.
Here outta be good.
What was that?
Better not be what I think it is.
What's the matter?
Hell if I know, Cary.
Didn't your GED exam
have a section on trucks?
You can't stay here! You're
trespassing, for sure!
Hey, this wouldn't
be a funeral home, would it?
Naw, we do Brazilian waxes.
What's the matter, son? You piss yourself?
Nah, like if I were an avocado at
a mosquito convention pissing on
a firecracker, how about that?
Now get that truck outta here!
Let me check something first.
Shit.
Hey, my front axle's broken.
I ain't going nowhere.
Well, you can come in the office with me.
We can call this mechanic I use sometimes.
I bet he could weld that axle together
long enough to get you to a garage, for sure.
I gotta call a mechanic. I'll be right back.
Don't... jizz on anything.
This here's the mechanic I use. Good guy.
Reliable. Fair prices.
Okay, okay. Sold.
Geez, does he give you a
cut for new business?
Yeah... ten percent.
You want some coffee?
Yeah... And a bathroom.
I've had to pee since dinner.
Well, you're in luck. Best
thing about being a man is-
the whole world's your toilet.
Why, out there, there are hundreds
of places you can drain the tank
and look at metal twisted into
shapes you never dreamed of.
It's like... it's like pissing in
an art museum.
It's gonna take him days
to get that axle fixed.
I say we sleep here tonight, and head
out on our own again in the morning.
What, and just leave him?
We just met the guy.
It's not like we're gonna
follow him on Twitter.
Besides, have you noticed
how he's been acting
since we left the diner? Something's wrong.
You're imagining things.
I say we stick it out with him.
Why?
Did you hear that?
Yeah... what the heck was it?
It's coming from the trailer.
I'm gonna go see what it is.
Don't! Vogel, wait!
Let's see what's inside.
Do you want your balls chewed off?
You always know how to turn me on.
Give me the flashlight.
That's your flashlight?
You couldn't give a hamster
a colonoscopy with that!
We're hiking crosscountry,
not going spelunking!
Give me the cell phone.
I thought it had a flashlight.
I didn't download the app.
Great! Thirty different fart noises
but he couldn't download a flashlight!
Are you coming?
I love you.
Me, too.
Careful! It's slippery!
It's like the backroom
of the Man Cave in here.
Remember that?
That wasn't me.
What the hell? Turn it back on!
Press the button at the bottom.
Why won't it stay on?
It'll use up the battery.
They're not meant to be used as flashlights.
You should have downloaded the app.
There wasn't enough memory. Too much porn.
Yeah, well, I need the stimulation.
Well, French kiss a light socket.
And you say that I'm
the one that's orally fixated.
Damn! Damn! Damn and blast it!
Did you hurt yourself?
All right, all right. What did you bump into?
A coffin.
Well, that's what he said he was hauling.
Do you see what made that noise?
No.
Hey, swing your light around.
What?
Didn't Brewster say he
was carrying a load of coffins?
I only see one.
Hey! What are you doing? Get out of there!
It's leaking something.
I thought you were
carrying a bunch of coffins?
There's only one inside.
What?
What is it?
There's supposed to
be about five coffins in there.
I'd better check the invoice.
You ready to hit the road?
No way! Let's check this place out!
One, two... five. There's
supposed to be five!
Crow in a blender!
That's a really
photogenic pile of junk, Cary.
You'd like it better if it wore a Speedo.
Everything looks better in a Speedo!
Hey!
Hey!
Hey, take a picture of me!
Now that's art!
I bet I could operate one of these babies!
It's a little different
than putting in a quarter
and going for a stuffed bear.
Hey, I always got that stuffed bear!
Seriously, though. My Dad used
to sell these to the military.
Well, it's big and heavy
and has a large appendage.
Why am I not surprised?
You know, there are sculptors
who make art out of junk.
Noble and Webster's heads would
explode if they saw all this.
Damn it! Thought I had that fixed.
The mechanic just called. He'll
be here in a couple of hours.
You hear me?
I said, the...
mechanic's gonna be late.
Vogel, do you hear that?
I think this used to be a vibrator.
Listen!
What is that?
Sounds like Carnie Wilson
with a plate of chicken wings.
What are you doing?
YouTube.
It looks like they're... eating him.
I think you had the right idea.
Let's grab my backpack from
the truck and beat cheeks!
No sudden moves.
They're too busy to notice us.
Do you think they're zombies?
I don't know.
Brewster! What's wrong? Get up, man!
The camera flash! He must be an epileptic!
He's having a seizure!
What do we do?
We have to get him back to the truck!
How are we gonna do that?
Grab an arm!
They're coming! Pull! Pull!
Hurry! Go! Go!
I can't! He's too heavy!
Why'd they stop?
I don't know. But let's go, we're close!
Are they playing with us?
I've no idea. Let's try something.
Reverse!
I don't know what's going on,
but let's get Brewster back to the truck!
I don't get it! They could
have easily caught...
us. It's like they're playing cat and mouse.
- "Cat" is right!
- You fucking pussies!
You never learn, do you?
What do we do?
Get him some water.
C'mon, Brewster, you're an NRA poster child.
You have to have a gun!
What happened to my water?
Oh... I drank it.
Why did you put the bottle back?
Do we have to talk about this, now?
Just get him some water!
That's wrong on so many levels.
Why don't they just break through the window?
Zombies are too weak.
They're not zombies. Zombies don't run.
What about in DAWN OF THE DEAD?
The zombies didn't run in DAWN OF THE DEAD.
The remake.
The remake!
Yeah, I know. The original had subtext.
You know what else the
original had? Blue zombies!
You have to admit that the first
ten minutes of the remake were...
Hey, how much did you pay to see the remake?
Twelve bucks? Kind of expensive
for ten good minutes, huh?
Mmmmm... yeah...
Two fingers!
What's happening?
Oh, not much. We're
just trapped inside your truck
with Monster Central outside.
How are things with you, Mr. Seizure?!
What?!
Do you have a weapon?
No.
Did you guys see that?
Their vampires!
Or atheists.
Good thing my brother's a bible thumper.
Will those keep them out?
Vampires fear the cross.
Not in FRIGHT NIGHT.
You had to believe in it.
Well, trust me, there's nothing
I believe in more, right now.
They might not be able to get in anyway,
without being invited.
That didn't work in
THE RETURN OF COUNT YORGA.
Of course not! That was
American International.
So?
So each movie makes its own rules!
None of it is grounded in reality!
I saw one get killed by a bolt of lightning
in THE SCARS of DRACULA.
Now THAT is just stupid!
If either of ya mentions TWILIGHT,
I'll throw you out the cab!
Gideon.
What am I supposed to do with this?
Will this really keep them out?
Bet they won't be able to touch
the glass with these pages up.
How do we see out?
Well, that's simple. We
just tear a little piece off.
I'm not sure if we're keeping them out,
or if they've got us trapped in.
I bet I can get a message out.
No way I'm staying in here
til dawn with a couple of...
A couple of "what?"
Breaker, Breaker. This is-...
this is Red Rocket. Anybody copy?
Red Rocket?
Shut up.
Breaker, Breaker, this is Red Rocket.
I got a ten-thirty-three here. Anybody copy?
Breaker one-twenty, you got Sick Nick here.
What's y'alls ten-thirty-three?
Yes! Sick Nick, we are being attacked
by some real boogeymen.
Can you send bear patrol?
Say again Red Rocket, you're breakin on me.
This is Red Rocket.
Me and a couple of... good
buddies, are under attack.
We need assistance.
Damn it! They cut the power.
Vogel! Do you still have the cell phone?
Probably used up the battery.
Battery's good. Signal's good.
Nine-one-one!
You have to give them our address.
Cell phones don't have pinpoint capability.
Where are we?
Seven-oh-three Opal Road.
Oh wait! I got em!
Hello? Yes, this is an emergency!
We're being attacked by a pro-life group.
Can you send help?
Great! The address is
seven-oh-three Opal... hello? Hello?
You're cutting in and out.
Seven-oh-three Opal... hello?
It's all this scrap metal.
It's messing with the signal.
Oh, no. Oh, damn it.
What is it?
I have to pee.
Can't you hold it?
I been holding it for the last six hours!
My back teeth are swimming!
What if one of those things gets in?
Here... here...
Position yourself by the dash.
Okay. When I say "go", open
the door a few inches.
A few inches?
Shut up!
Okay, go.
Are you going or not?
Can you not look at me? I'm pee shy.
What the hell caused that?
What was in this?
You said to give him
water. It was all I could find.
"Blessed by Father Fisher."
Good thing my brother is a Jesus freak.
So... what do we do now?
We wait.
For what?
Dawn.
I know you saw us.
I know you stayed and watched.
I even know what you won't admit.
I've known from the moment you picked us up.
Nice.
You like that? Good buddy?
It's okay. You don't have to answer.
I've got your answer right here.
You want me to go further?
Say "please." Do it!
Say... " please."
Please...
What are you doing?
My turn.
I can't do that, man.
Yes, you can.
I just can't.
Fair's play, buddy.
Besides... it doesn't mean anything.
I'm not...
I know. You just need a little... push.
What's happening?
Mo's Garage! Anybody here?
It's the mechanic!
Hey! Hey! Hey, buddy!
Anybody here?
Shit! Look!
He doesn't see him!
Hey! Hey, behind you!
What are you doing?
YouTube.
C'mon, damn it. You dragged my ass out here.
Where are you?
Look, it's cold and it's wet
and it's after midnight,
and I'm in no mood to deal with this sh...
Are you... the one with... The problem?
Heeeey! Hey! Why doesn't he hear us?
Here! Maybe I can signal him with this!
Hey! It's a chick!
Looks like a guy to me.
No, it's a chick! And she's smokin!
Hey!
I saw a guy.
It's a woman! I swear!
No, I saw him, too.
Only... through there it was a guy, and here
and in the mirror, it was a girl.
How is that possible?
Hey, didn't you say we were
seven-oh-three Opal Road?
Yeah, why?
Look at the GPS.
What the hell's going on around here?
Wait a minute. We saw
a vampire girl in a mirror.
And?
No, you don't get it.
We saw a VAMPIRE girl in a mirror!
Right! Right! You can't
see a vampire in a mirror!
But we did!
Exactly! We're acting as
though this is a movie!
But it's not! It's real
life! Movie rules don't apply!
So... you can see vampires in a mirror?
Yeah... but as they really are!
Face to face, you see them
the way they want you to!
Or... the way you want them to!
It's just after three.
Another... two... two and
a half hours til dawn.
What I don't get is...
With all these sucker-fuckers
around, why did only one
vampire attack the mechanic?
Why didn't they gang fang him like they
did McDougall?
I think I know. I think I know!
What are you doing!
Watch!
Bite me.
Cary, no!
Go on! Bite me, you plasma-sucking pussy!
Look in the mirror.
I thought you said we
can see them in the mirror.
We can. As they really are.
So, if they're not in the mirror...
They're... not really there?
Bingo! Go away.
How many coffins did you see
back in the trailer?
Five.
Because that's how many
you expected there to be.
How many did we see?
One.
Because that's how many there really was!
We didn't know there was supposed to be five,
so we only saw what was really there!
I get it! This thing's been
diddlin' with our mind-knobs!
Right! The wrong address on the GPS,
all the vampires on McDougall,
why we saw a man attack the
mechanic and not the girl...
It's been making us see
what it wants us to see!
And that's why they stopped every time we did
when we were dragging
Brewster back to the truck.
They couldn't catch up to us, otherwise,
we'd know they weren't real!
Exactly!
See? All in our minds!
Pull me in!
Pull me in! Pull me in!
Okay, this is sick! We gotta get out of here!
Have you checked your cell phone lately?
We need clearer reception!
Okay, here's what we do,
one of us takes the phone,
moves around the junkyard
until he gets a good signal.
The other two will lead Chickula
away to keep him off phone boy.
Who's gonna take the phone?
The one who's most responsible.
Okay, Cary, now after you call the cops,
get your ass back here,
honk the horn three times,
and we'll come running.
Let's go!
I don't like this plan.
What!
We're gonna deliberately
attract Fang Girl's attention?
What if she shows up?
I can't be rescued if I'm six quarts empty.
Okay, we'll arm ourselves.
Oh, yeah.
Listen... if you do this, l will...
Deal! Now, you said something about weapons?
Woo! Woo!
Hey! Vampire lady!
C'mon!
Vampire lady! C'mon!
Come and get me, Fang Girl!
Walsh?
Well, hey, little brother!
What are you doing here?
Why, you act like you ain't happy to see me!
Well, hell, I'm letting you fuck my wife.
Shouldn't I get props for that?
You forgot. I'm the religious
one in the family, remember?
Hey, you're in my
head, aren't ya? Ya bastard!
I can't help it. You make it too easy.
Now, let's see what we can find here.
Uh oh! Looks like trouble in the bedroom!
Why, little brother! I am
shocked! Really, I am!
I never figured you for a latent pipe-puller!
You shut up!
You're right. Time for talking... is over.
Hey! Hey! Hey, are
you trying to bite my ass??
God, I'm too old for this!
You're so cool, Brewster!
Cary? Cary, are you back?
Who's there?
Cary? Brewster? Where are you guys?
Help me! Help me! Please!
It's all right, I've got you.
Set you down.
If you see anything with pointy teeth
and a thirty-eight inch chest, yell out.
What idiot locked the door?
How do you make a vampire cross?
Oh, man...
Come and get me, Fanghead. I'm juicy!
C'mon, Toothy! Take a bite!
Who's your dentist?
Bet you've never seen this in
a horror movie before!
Down for the count... Count!
Vogel, if that's you?
Gross!
I'm sorry.
She was a good dog.
But... I was just so... thirsty!
Look! You can eat the dog! It was your dog!
I'm gonna taste bad, all right! I'm bitter!
There are two guys back at
the truck! Eat them!
I'm not a virgin! Don't you
need virgin blood??
Did you just fart??
You disgusting man!
For sure!
Vogel! I did it! I killed a vampire!
Me, too! The chick?
No, McDougall! Who'd you kill?
The mechanic!
Oh, right! He was a vampire, wasn't he?
Have you seen Brewster?
No. Did you get a signal?
No, there's too much interference
from all this metal.
Hey, maybe we need height, not distance!
I get it! Toss it up!
Overhand, Cary! Overhand!
What are you doing?
YouTube.
Yes! I told you! Scars of fucking Dracula!
So-earlier. What did
Brewster say he'd do for you?
Okay, okay! Later.
Cell phone?
It's a chocolate mess.
Shit. I saw some wire over there.
Why don't you grab me a piece
so I can gimmick open the door.
What idiot locked the door?
I thought you did.
Hurry it up, will ya?
I'm trying. This is harder than it looks.
Brewster!
Hey, B-Man! You look like shit!
We each killed a vampire! Did you?
No.
So there's still one out there.
I got it!
What's wrong?
C'mon, Brewster, it's not safe out there!
You're freaking me out!
Brewster, will you get your ass in here?
Okay. No cell phone. No rescue. Broken axle.
Vampire prowling the grounds.
Did I leave anything out?
They hate pages from
the bible. It kept them out.
They couldn't have gotten in, anyway.
Why not?
They have to be invited.
Really? How do you know that?
Remember that fantasy about how you want
to spend your last moments on earth?
Yeah...
I don't think you're going to make it!
Do you think any of these cars work?
I doubt it.
These things are sold for
parts, not operation.
Damn it! If there was just one vehicle
in this entire place that actually ran!
No! No! No! No! No!
It's out of gas.
Well, of course it is!
It's only been idling here
for the past three hours!
Hey! There's a bucket and a hose back here!
We can siphon gas out of Brewster's truck
and put it in the pickup!
Do you wanna suck it? Or should l?
C'mon, c'mon!
That's good! Let's go!
Sister, you've got the wrong guys!
She didn't like that!
I guess "diesel" wasn't her scent!
Can vampires make you shit your pants?
Cause I think I'm about to!
Did you always get a stuffed bear?
Yeah, why?
Because I think I have an idea.
Ready?
Will you still love me
if I have black eyes and fangs?
You kidding? Have you seen
yourself after five appletinis?
Now!
Hurry up, Vogel! She's twitching
like a monkey getting vajazzled!
Okay! Let her go!
You ruined our vacation, you bitch!
Man, think of all the hits I'd
get if this was on YouTube!
Hey, take my picture!
Well, what about Brewster?
He isn't our problem.
Is he still in there?
I can't... see anything..
Guess I'm your problem now, huh??
Vogel, run! Save yourself!
Okay!
Don't move!
If you run, I'll find you, and
when I do, I'll make it hurt!
So what... you're evil
now? I mean, you were a jerk
before but you weren't acting
like some B-movie bad guy.
Is that what dying does to
you? Turn you into a twat?
He sounds bitter!
I'm gonna fuck you,
then I'm gonna drain your blood,
then I'm gonna fuck you again!
But you... I'm just gonna kill!
I guess that doesn't
change when you go all toothy!
Vogel! Grab his arm!
I hate closet cases! Even dead ones!
I still think... Cary is a girl's name!
Oh! Nasty!
Burning vampire smells like a
flaming bag of spicy dog shit.
I love you.
Me, too.
What the hell happened in here?
Funny story.