Black Sheep (2006)

Man:
Hold him there. Hold him there!
Man: Hey!
Henry, we've got a bolter!
Henry, Tucker,
go get him!
Get down, hold him!
Hold him! Hold him!
Good boy, get down.
Get down!
Hold him. That's it.
Good on ya, boy.
Tucker:
Come on, Henry!
Henry had
a little lamb,
its fleece
was white as snow,
and everywhere that
Dudley went,
Henry was sure to go.
Mrs. Mac? They're coming
down for lunch soon.
Coming down,
Henry!
Dudley?
Dudley,
where are you, boy?
Dudley?
Dudley?
Dudley?
Dudley?
Come out of there,
Dudley.
Ahh! Ah!
Boys!
Angus, pull
your head in!
Henry?
Boys.
It's your father.
There's been
an accident.
City boy, eh?
- No, I grew up on a farm.
- Oh, me too.
- Oh.
- You all right, my friend?
- Need some fresh air?
- Close it. Close it!
Woman:
Dr. Carey's office.
It's Henry Oldfield.
I need to speak with her.
She's in a session right now.
Can I have her call you?
Please, please.
Driver:
Nothing like it, eh?
God's green earth.
"All creatures great and small. "
There we go.
- Okay.
- This way.
This isn't gonna be like
the salmon farm, is it, Grant?
Hey, those fish
died free.
- Come on, possum.
- Shh shh.
What's that?
Angus fucking Oldfield.
You'll wait
for me, right?
It's your money.
Hello?
Hello?
Mrs. Mac: Unless you fancy nostrils
in the back of your head,
I'd not be moving
if I were you.
Mrs. Mac.
Bugger me days!
Henry!
Oh! Oh.
Oh don't worry.
I haven't shot anyone since Christmas.
Oh, just wait until
your brother sees you.
Yeah.
The Merino,
the Romney, the Drysdale...
these names are
whispered in the winds
that caress
the rugged hills.
These names are shared
in corners of
the farmyard,
and these are the names the
young men of the land recite
as they take themselves
off at night.
But in the future,
they will whisper
just one name...
the Oldfield.
Now you take it down
and lead it round in
front of the guests. That's it.
Stop so they
can touch it,
slap a flank,
feel the wool.
I'll take the other microphone,
give it to anyone else who...
has a question.
Get a prospectus
on every seat,
then go up the hill
and get the animal.
What are you doing here?
Lawyers have this
under control, don't they?
What am I doing here?
Our family's been here
for over 100 years.
Our father
was born here.
Our mother died giving
birth to me here.
This is where I spent
the first 10 years of my life.
And my therapist
said I should come.
Therapy.
- So you're still funny about the sheep.
- It's not about the sheep.
It's about other issues
I need to resolve.
Okay.
Angus.
Go inside.
I'll cut you a check.
Girl:
That must be the laboratory.
Woman:
Careful.
There you go.
- Okay.
- Astrid Rush.
Girl: Who'd hire her after
the thing with the leeches?
- You're end?
- Come and give a hand here.
Rush:
Careful!
Grant!
- Up, up more...
- Shit.
Yeah, baby, yeah!
Go after him!
Oi!
- Whooo!
- Hey wait!
They'll never catch us.
They're meat eaters.
Okay.
- What was one, Grant?
- What?
Um, get in
unobserved.
Right.
And what was two?
- Collect visual evidence.
- Right.
Three?
- Get out unobserved?
- Yeah.
And four?
Blow this whole
fucking game wide open;
Take the bastard under
and go down in history
as the two people with
enough balls to save this country
from genetically-
engineered devastation!
No, Grant.
Four was a have a meeting
about what to do next.
This is evidence, okay?
It's evidence.
Actually, that's probably
highly-toxic genetic material.
Fuckin' A!
Fuckin' A. And it's mine.
Or, it's ours.
You and me, baby,
all the way.
Yeah, Grant.
About the you
and me bit...
Now I wonder if
our relationship hasn't kind of got...
Shh!
They're in
here somewhere.
- Go!
- Grant, wait.
Man:
There he goes!
Oi!
Whoa!
Over there!
Where is he?
- Bugger!
- Grant: Oh fuck.
Right.
That's for me.
And that's for you.
It'll buy you
a lot of therapy.
Well, there's not
much around here
in the way of your
cappuccino culture,
but I'm sure Mrs. Mac
will do you a cup of tea
and an Anzac biscuit
for the road.
That's it, then.
You got rid of
all Dad's things.
Living in the past...
that's what's wrong with
these bloody farmers.
You're now the owner
of the biggest farm in the district.
What does that make you?
Up here's where the smart farming's
done these days, Henry.
Is that what all that
outside's in aid of?
People are interested in
what I'm doing here, Henry.
It's a whole new
approach to farming.
It's better for the animals,
better for the farmers,
better for the consumer.
It's an exciting time to
be in agricultural sciences.
And a profitable one.
More tea, Henry?
I think three's enough.
I should get going.
That's a pity.
You'll miss my rabbit pie.
I'm making watercress
for the Japanese.
Look, chopsticks.
He's quite the lord
of the manor now, isn't he?
Uh...
Angus was throwing
this away.
I know your father would
have wanted you to have it.
The Golden Shears.
Best shearer in the country
three years running.
Your father said you
were a natural too.
L... I really can't
see it on my coffee table.
You got what
you came for then?
Angus has
got his deal.
Guess I'm done here.
I'm having the farm manager take you
for a run up to the top.
But I haven't been
up there since the accident.
I know.
That's why you're going.
Oh, here he is now.
- Kia ora, Auntie.
- Henry: Tucker.
Flash threads, bro.
So you a model now or something?
I'm doing I.T.
Internet stuff.
Oh. Nude modeling.
And you're manager now?
Well, your brother's hardly young
farmer of the year, is he?
Angus seems to think he's
got a handle on things.
The only thing he's
got a handle on is his...
Okay, farm boy,
let's see your stuff.
Sure.
Okay.
Come on.
Yah!
What happened to you,
darling?
Give us a hand, bro!
L... I just need
to make a phone call.
Jesus, man.
Just gonna shove her
back over the fence.
Hey!
- Tucker: Hands up?
- Hands up!
It's okay.
It's okay.
I'll protect you.
Girl:
Grant!
Grant?
Is this gonna take long?
Because I've got a taxi waiting.
If you fascists
have hurt him,
I will organize the biggest
sit-in this farm has ever seen.
Look, we don't know
where your friend is, okay?
- Maybe my brother could help?
- Brother?
Angus Oldfield.
I should have known
you were an Oldfield.
I can see it
in your aura.
I think that was just something
he stepped in back there, eh?
- No, you have a very selfish aura.
- What?
How would you like a taste
of what you're dishing out?
Safety's on.
- What?
- The safety's on.
Just...
yeah, on the other side.
Back a bit.
And down.
Back and down.
Up.
Here here, here.
Yeah.
There we go, here.
Yeah, right.
...they were like,
looking around at us and...
What about me?
Can we give you
a ride somewhere?
Maybe to the car
so I can, um...
Tucker:
Organize your sit-in?
Wait for my...
for Grant.
I'm Henry, this is Tucker.
What's your name?
- Experience.
- Has been so far.
So why were you
going to shoot me, Experience?
Because this farm subjects
innocent animals
to cruel and sadistic
torture. Because...
Smoke.
- You coming?
- Um...
Mike?
Mike!
Oh my God.
What?
The feng shui
in this room is terrible.
Anyone there?
Mike?
Oh God.
Jesus, man,
it's not gonna bite.
- What's it doing?
- What is wrong with you?
- Ovinophobia, my therapist calls it.
- What's that?
Just a completely
unfounded and irrational fear
that one day
this is gonna happen!
Well, this happens when
you run the most reckless
genetic engineering program
in the southern hemisphere.
- Who engineered that?
- Your brother.
Mike.
Come on then,
muttonchops!
Bugger me.
Shoot it again!
That'll give you something
to talk to your therapist about.
Experience:
Oh, I'm going to be sick!
Oh shit.
Oh shit.
Kia ora.
Kia ora, kia ora.
Rattle your dags,
Henry!
There we go.
Good girls.
They're fine.
Tucker:
You get Henry. I'll start the car.
God, your chi
is in shambles.
Huh?
Take a deep breath.
You need
to ground yourself.
You're a tree.
Come on.
A tree.
Your taproot extends
down into the earth.
My... my what?
That's your base
chakra.
Feel the energy drawing
out of the soil.
Can you feel it?
Yeah.
- Really?
- Yeah.
Come on, Henry.
The energy flows up
into your navel chakra,
your solar plexus
chakra,
into your heart chakra.
It spreads
to your branches,
your twigs, your leaves.
You are a mighty kauri
commanding the forest.
Look with
your third eye.
Totally relaxed.
Totally relaxed.
Get on the fucking truck!
Nearly there, nearly there.
Go!
Go go go!
Watch out for the sheep!
Shoot!
Sorry.
What the hell's he doing?
Chainsaw.
Is it turned on?
- Prime it, prime it!
- What?
The pump thing.
Fuck!
Oi, Henry!
- Are you okay?
- If it weren't for my gumboot...
Who's driving?
- Jump!
- Both: What?
Jump off, now!
Jump off! Ah!
Oh, shit.
Experience:
Wow, what a beautiful view.
- This is, uh, where...
- I know.
This is what?
Ooh, long way down.
I wouldn't want
to fall off there.
This is where my father
fell to his death.
Oh.
Sorry...
to hear that.
Oh, a sheep!
Is that a good one
or a bad one?
Oh, definitely bad.
That's not funny.
Animal flatulence is responsible
for almost half the world's
greenhouse gas emissions.
It's pure methane.
The Kyoto Protocol...
Kyahhh!
What do we do?
Well, reducing carbon
emission from industries...
No, what do we do about
raising the alarm?
My phone...
is in the truck.
Tucker,
what do you think?
Hoof it for the house.
Tell his lordship what's going on.
Is it far?
It's rough terrain,
open paddocks, hot day, no cover.
Yeah, I'd say
it's pretty far.
With about 50,000 sheep
in between.
Then what?
Then I get as far
away from here as I can.
You're still leaving?
I'm especially leaving.
Experience: Oh, what if the sheep
get down there before us?
Then Angus is gonna have
some unexpected visitors.
Henry.
Well?
No sign of him.
The others have gone
out into the paddocks.
You cannot make a cup
of tea in this country
without some do-gooder starting
a petition to have you do it their way.
You help me in the lab.
And you,
get rid of that stuff.
Bloody animals.
You and your...
your bloody 4-wheel drives.
Think you own the road!
I do, actually.
Angus Oldfield.
What hole
did you crawl out of?
WEKA. The Whole Earth
Kollective Aotearoa.
I know all about
your Frankensheep!
Mother Nature spent millions
of years making sheep.
She doesn't need your help!
Don't talk to me
about nature.
Man made sheep
what they are today,
and I'm making them
what they'll be tomorrow.
If I was a sheep, I wouldn't
be anywhere near you!
If you were a sheep, I'd have you ground
up for dog food, you little worm.
Now get the fuck off my land.
Ahh!
Henry:
They might come from anywhere.
And they might not.
Calm down, bro.
So this guy you're looking for,
is he your boyfriend?
- My boyfriend?
- Yeah.
- Is he your boyfriend?
- Grant's part of our collective.
We're a non-profit cooperative
that shares information
and resources about
environmental issues.
So what were you and your
boyfriend doing here today?
We keep hearing about
some cowboy lab
that's flushing every animal research
guideline down the toilet.
Scum like Astrid Rush
and your brother
need to answer to
somebody sometime.
For someone who likes animals,
you don't like people very much, do you?
I would have thought
that you of all people
would appreciate efforts
to deconstruct
the colonialist paternalistic
agrarian hierarchy
that disenfranchises
the Tangata Whenua
and erodes the natural
resources of Aotearoa.
Learn all that
at university, did ya,
before you dropped out?
I didn't drop out, thank you.
I just missed exams
while we were
occupying a poultry farm.
Anyway, that's none
of your business.
Henry: Are you okay?
Rescue Remedy?
I don't need rescuing.
I need Dettol and a sticking plaster.
No thanks.
Fine, suit yourself.
Henry:
Wait, we should stick together.
Tucker, I'm sorry.
It's my fault you got bitten.
Don't worry.
It'll be...
oh fuck!
I'll get a tetanus shot
when we get back.
- Clear it right up.
- But the sheep did that.
Then I'll get the vet
to have a look at it. It'll be fine.
Oh God.
Here they come.
- Don't wait for me!
- I'm not leaving you behind.
- What about the sheep?
- Well, fuck the sheep!
No time for that, bro!
Go go go!
- In here.
- Not in there.
Why not?
It's been here forever. It's empty.
- No it's not, bro.
- This is your brother's laboratory.
You got
a better idea?
Go home.
Get, go on!
Henry: Come on.
Did you know
about this?
I just thought they were playing with
sperm or something.
Oh God.
Stand back!
Do it.
Tucker?
Jesus, Henry, are you gonna shoot me
if I end up like that?
- You're trespassing.
- Taihoa, Bo Peep.
What is this?
I told you.
Agricultural science.
This isn't science.
The sheep are revolting.
Aren't they?
- Now, Henry...
- Hey hey.
I'll take that as
your resignation.
Angus, what would Dad
say about all this?
He wouldn't say anything.
He'd be knee-deep in mud
with his hand up
a sheep's ass.
Your father was
My father fell off a cliff
chasing a wool-blind ewe.
Angus, there's something wrong
with the sheep. They attacked us.
Oh nonsense.
Your brother's clearly one
of these lunatic greenies.
Tucker,
show them your foot.
Foot?
Henry, I simply won't allow
you to disrupt things today.
What are you going to
do about it, eh?
Whatever I have to.
Angus, are you nuts?
There's a lot riding
on this, Henry. I told you,
it's gonna be
very profitable.
Henry, get out of here. Do something!
Get out of here!
- What?
- Move your ass!
Henry, come on!
Stop!
This way!
In there!
Oh, what's down here?
Look at them, Angus!
Look at you.
The fifth generation farmer's son
who's scared of a few sheep.
You do need therapy.
Ah!
There's no deal, Angus.
We have a contract, Henry.
It's done.
Not with all this
going on.
- Ah!
- Henry!
Help me!
Help me, Angus!
Angus!
I'm your brother!
That's the thing
about farms, Henry,
accidents happen.
- Let me go.
- No. No.
Oh my God!
- Are you okay?
- I'll never be okay ever again.
- What's that?
- Geranium...
aroma therapy for uplift
and hormonal balance.
Do your hormones
really need balancing?
Considering I've been
attacked
by genetically-
engineered monsters,
jumped off a moving vehicle,
been chased across a paddock,
dragged into a torture chamber, pulled
into a mountain of rotting flesh...
yes, my hormones
need fucking balancing.
- Working yet?
- Uplifting at any moment.
- Where are you going?
- There are caves near the woolshed.
If this is part
of the same system,
we can walk
right under the sheep.
Right.
All he had to do
was leave.
Why wouldn't he
do that?
What happened to those idiots
I sent to collect you?
That looks...
anomalous.
What it looks like
is the spontaneous cellular
transferral
we've been trying to
achieve for months.
Or possibly not
so spontaneous.
- What's going on?
- Nothing.
He'll be out
for a while.
Where's your brother
and that girl?
Oh, don't worry.
They're gone.
Well, I don't know what
they're on about.
The sheep?
Really.
There's too many people
running around here today.
One of those greenies
bit me on my way up the hill.
- Bit you?
- Yeah.
Looked like he hadn't
bathed for months.
Hm, you may
need a shot.
Well.
I want this place secured.
Yeah, I have something
I need to observe here,
but I'll be down
presently.
No. Stay here.
Stay here?
I need to present my work.
Look, the last thing I need is someone
with your reputation
prancing about
the place.
Oh, my reputation didn't
seem to bother you
when you needed someone
to kick-start this venture.
Or when you
wanted to pursue
some personal interests.
I was just coming up with solutions
that you hadn't thought of.
Now I'll send someone
up for the animal.
You lock this place down
and stay out of the way.
What about that shot?
Put a plaster on it.
I'm sure you'll be fine.
The amount of bad karma
your brother's generating,
he'll probably
come back as a sheep.
I don't want to think about
what Angus has been doing.
Using your father's legacy
as a testing ground
for vile experiments
on animals.
Experience.
What was all that
about a deal?
Huh?
What are you here
for today?
I sold him my share
of the farm.
I thought if I could
come back here
and resolve things with him,
I could move on.
But these
are your roots.
There's something
in here.
There can't be.
Or they'd have to...
Jump!
Come on!
Shit!
I have to
get out of here!
- Down here.
- No. No way.
If it's a way out,
we're there.
If it's not,
we're there forever.
You go first!
Henry:
It shouldn't be too far.
Keep moving.
I can't.
You can.
Look,
you're a tree.
- A tree.
- Feel your roots
- in the ground. Feel your, um...
- Chakra.
...chakra...
- My base chakra.
...drawing energy
from the ground.
Okay, I feel it.
There.
You're relaxed.
I'm relaxed.
Don't get too relaxed.
Go! Go!
- Hurry up!
- I'm hurrying!
- Don't stop!
- It's opening up!
I'm stuck!
I was wrong
about your aura.
Really?
I said it
was selfish, but...
now I think it was
something you stepped in.
This way.
Mrs. Mac:
"Address To A Haggis:
Fair fa' your honest,
sonsie face,
Great chieftain o'
the pudding-race!
Aboon them a' ye
take your place,
Painch tripe or thairm. "
Oh hello, dear.
Did you see Henry
up the hill?
Uh, no.
No, I think
he's gone.
Oh?
Really?
I thought he would have
at least said goodbye.
Well...
you can't tell what
Henry will do,
can you?
It's all his
bloody fault.
He had his money...
good money.
My money.
That little baaa-stard.
Henry:
Up here.
This is how
I remember it.
It's beautiful.
We'd better hurry.
What's that noise?
Somebody shearing.
Experience:
Hello?
Oh God, no.
Grant?
Oh!
What's happened
to you?
Grant, it's me...
Experience.
Hey!
Experience:
Henry!
This way!
Come on!
Henry:
Round here.
- He's coming!
- Come on.
Oh shit!
Grant, what's that
on your face?
Is that blood?
Have you been
eating meat, Grant?
Was it even organic?
So, that's
your boyfriend?
I knew you liked animals,
but I didn't think you...
He's not my boyfriend.
Something must
have bitten him.
You mean...
like Tucker?
The amniotic fluid
should work
as an attenuated vaccine
on the mutated cells.
What's going on?
- Tell me how you feel?
- Sore.
Itchy.
My... my skin feels really tight.
Go on.
No no no no no no no no.
No, wait.
All right,
thanks very much.
Oh hello.
Thanks for coming.
Konnichiwa.
Angus:
We're about to kick off.
There's my girl.
Oh shit!
Angus won't be selling much sheep
if he turns into one, will he?
He might need
that shot after all.
You're a very lucky
young man,
to be witness to
a new scientific frontier.
I have a small errand
to attend to,
and then...
I think we might try and replicate
the effect on you
with some of
these cultures I have.
In the meantime,
you rest up.
Konnichiwa,
gten tag,
kia ora,
g'day.
This land was carved
from virgin bush
by my great-great
grandfather more than...
My family have sowed their seed
here since that time.
But now...
I have a dream
for the future...
a dream of sheep.
Oh.
The Merino,
the Romney,
the Drysdale.
Excuse me.
It's not far.
It's just a quick trip
through the trees.
These names are shared
in corners of the farm...
These...
these names are...
names...
Well, time to meet the star
of our show, I suppose.
I give you
the Oldfield.
Man:
It's beautiful.
Quiet down.
Ah, beautiful.
Quiet now.
Quiet, my pretty.
Oh no.
Perhaps it won't
be that bad.
Easy! Easy!
Easy!
Oh!
"Lo, on Mount Zion
stood the lamb,
and with him,
Woman:
But I'm a vegetarian!
Was, was, was!
"It is these who follow
the lamb wherever he goes,
for they are spotless!"
- Help me! Help me!
- Ew! Get off!
Help me!
Take me up, O Lord!
Take me...
Henry!
Just in time for dinner!
Oh my Lord!
Oh!
Yeah!
Angus:
Easy, easy.
That's my girl.
It's okay.
It's okay.
It's okay. It's okay.
There, it's... I know.
It's okay, yes.
I know, it's okay.
Let's make
that phone call.
I think MAF,
then WEKA.
Or WEKA
then MAF.
Someone must have one of the other
phones off the hook.
Who else is in the...
- Your boyfriend's back.
- Experience: Jesus, Grant.
- Henry!
- Ow!
Mrs. Mac:
My shotgun's in the pantry!
Many's the meal I've made
of wethers like you.
You don't scare me.
What is that?
My haggis!
Shells!
Shells!
No!
What did you do?
Ling gui ba fa.
- Huh?
- Acupuncture point.
Causes temporary
paralysis.
Or coma
if I did it wrong.
Did you?
He fell down,
didn't he?
We're safe.
We're trapped.
Let's make that call.
Where's the other phone?
Uh, Angus's study.
- Locked!
- Here we are.
Angus:
You're alive.
I pulled it
from the wall.
What?
I thought, just keep a lid on things
till it all blows over.
Business community don't receive
this kind of situation very well.
They probably won't receive
being eaten very well eith...
What are you
doing in here?
You wouldn't understand.
I understand you've got a pretty fucked
up idea of animal husbandry.
I'm taking back the farm.
Ah.
Golden boy thinks
he can do better, does he?
You wouldn't know
where to start.
Jeez, Angus, I couldn't
do any worse than you.
No, wait.
It's... one of us.
It's family.
What?
That's how we made
the advances...
human DNA.
Mine.
Ours.
You fucker.
Well, it was more of
a sperm sample really.
You wanker!
Necessity's the mother
of invention.
You've been bitten.
It's nothing.
Just some hippy.
You'll become
one of them!
- A hippy?
- No, Angus, one of them.
Only worse.
What are you
gonna do, Henry?
Kill me?
I'm your brother.
Experience:
They're almost in!
Mrs. Mac:
Upstairs, children!
Well?
The sheep are breaking in.
They'll tear you to pieces.
Oh, I don't think so.
Experience:
Henry, hurry!
Goodbye, Angus.
Experience:
Henry!
Come on, now!
There's another fire
escape around the back.
We can take Mrs. Mac's
car to town.
Look.
Mrs. Mac:
Now where does he think he's going?
The barn.
His plane.
He can't leave if he's contaminated.
It could affect the whole country.
Mrs. Mac:
You're hurt, dear.
Grant.
We don't know
what will happen.
- We've seen what happens!
- Stay calm.
You're a tree.
I'm not a tree!
I'm a fucking sheep.
No, you're a man.
And your father'd
be proud of you.
Come on.
You two go.
I'm staying here.
What are you
gonna do?
I'm gonna stop Angus.
If you see me again,
you might have to...
No.
I still smell, right?
No, that's just
your aura.
How will you get
across the lawn?
You don't have a hoof like Angus,
they'll tear you to bits.
I'll blend in.
I am a sheep. I am a sheep.
I am a sheep.
Wait.
You go to town.
Show me how to use this
and I'll stay here.
Have you ever fired
a gun before, dear?
Well...
not as such.
Aim and squeeze, dearie.
That's all there is to it.
Besides...
I'll talk you through it.
You know, this hurts me
more than it hurts you.
We'll make a farm girl
out of you yet.
Come on.
Come on, darling.
Angus?
Stop, Angus!
Look!
We could have run
the farm together,
if you hadn't
ruined everything!
If you hadn't tried
to kill me!
Now it has to end.
What?
Come in.
Speak up.
Henry:
Hold him, boy.
Hold him.
Hold him, boy.
Get down.
Get down.
Hold him.
Hold him, boy.
What?
Tucker.
You're okay.
Oh!
What is that?
Just a little something
I picked up in the lab.
Should clear up your worms.
Fix your fly strike too.
Anyway,
pull your finger out.
We've got work to do.
Hold 'em, Dice.
Hold 'em. Good dog.
How much of
that stuff is there?
Not enough for
all of them.
Jeez!
Angus, it's over.
No, this is
just the beginning.
Come back!
My babies.
Have me again.
Methane.
Get in behind!
Last one.
There's a nice bit of
wool on that, actually.
- Reckon we should hang onto this one?
- He's a bit toey, but...
Could make good eating.
This is for you.
What do you reckon, boss?
Organic farming?
Nothing but trouble,
this modern stuff.
Better just to stick with the way
we've always done things, eh?
I've eaten a rabbit.
Mrs. Mac:
Blanket, dear?
Let's see how
we go, eh?
Snack?
- What are they?
- Mountain oysters.
Well, I do eat
a bit of seafood.
No.
Mm, it's good.
Of course
it is, dear.
You know you're eating
sheep's balls, don't you?
Don't waste it.
Henry:
They'll grow on you.
Mrs. Mac:
What is happening here?
Experience: No seriously, you could
have an organic compost heap.
Or a worm farm.