- Want gas, mister?
- Yeah, fill it up.
Help yourself, will you, please?
I gotta close up.
To you know how to get
to Blackbeard's Inn at Godolphin?
I'm goin' there myself. I'll show you
the way if you'll give me a lift.
- You're on.
- Thanks.
- Stayin' at the inn?
- Yep.
Mostly old ladies live there.
Salesmen goin' through like to stay
in Ye Jolly Roger down in town.
Got more of a chance
to kick up their heels.
Well, I'm not a salesman. I'm the new
track coach at Godolphin College.
Coach, I'm glad to know you!
My name's Gudger Larkin.
I'm on your track squad.
I'm captain.
Well, well.
Small world, isn't it?
Let's see now, Captain.
I'd guess you were a sprinter, huh?
Golly, no, sir. I'm-I'm as slow
as molasses in January.
- Can you give me a hand, Coach?
- Oh, yeah.
- Say, what is your event, Larkin?
- Oh, I'm the shot putter, sir.
Shot putter? Well, the weight man's
usually the strongest man on the team.
Yes, sir.
That's the inn, Coach.
That's Blackbeard's Inn.
- Did the old pirate really build it?
- Sure.
He got killed in a battle
right out there in the bay.
I guess I'll have to brush up
on the local history.
Wait till you meet the little old
ladies who run the inn.
They're all descendants of Blackbeard's
bloody crew, and they're proud of it.
"Buccaneer Bazaar tonight.
Help save Blackbeard's Inn".
- What does that mean? - Some guy's
trying to have the inn torn down...
but the old ladies are putting up
a pretty good fight.
You sure they haven't started
to tear it down already?
Well, I'll tell you,
it's built mostly of odds and ends.
Timbers of ships
that got wrecked in the bay.
- You can park over there.
- All right.
What's that all about?
Hey, buddy, I...
That's Silky Seymour.
He runs the gambling around here.
- I wouldn't fool with him.- What's
he doing at the old ladies' bazaar?
He's the guy that bought up
their mortgage from the bank.
If the old ladies don't come up
with the loot, out they go.
- This fellow Seymour gets everything
he wants around here, huh?
- Just about.
Miss Jeffrey,
have you seen Miss Stowecroft?
This gentleman has a room reservation.
She's outside in a tent
telling fortunes.
- Dean Wheaton.
- What is it?
Sir, I-I'd like you to meet
our new track coach.
Steve Walker, sir. Just arrived.
I believe I'm to report to you
in the morning.
- Uh, Welcome to Godolphin, Mr Walker.
- Thank you very much, sir.
I don't want to seem negative,
but I want to be frank.
I was not in favour
of replacing our former track coach
when he left so informally.
- Oh?
- For some years now, the track team
has done precious little...
to add lustre to the name
of Godolphin College...
so there didn't seem any point
in going on with it, you see?
- Well, I'm sorry to hear that, sir...
- Howsoever, we have competed...
in the Broxton Relays
for the past 63 years...
so the alumni insisted
on one more try.
Well, of course, sir, there's not much
time left before the relay is here...
but I hope I can restore
your confidence in the boys.
Mr Walker, I never had any.
Well, mmm, before the warmth of
the dean's reception goes to my head...
I think I'll find Miss Stowecroft
and get a room.
I've been on the road
since 5:00 this morning.
- Okay, Coach. I'll see you tomorrow.
- Gudger...
uh, what did happen
to the other track coach?
I don't know.
He got to actin' real weird.
Talkin' to himself,
real down in the chops.
And one day, he just disappeared.
Just... and he was gone.
- Good night, Gudger.
- Good night, Coach.
Oh, Mr Walker.
This is Mr Purvis...
our football coach, whom you
undoubtedly know by reputation.
Well, I certainly do.
Who doesn't?
We're very fortunate in having
the services of Mr Purvis.
He produces winning football teams...
which in turn produce gratifyingly
large grants and endowments
from proud alumni.
Mr Walker is the new coach
of what we refer to as the track team.
The track team.
Oh, Walker, you won't last three weeks.
Take my word for it.
Well, if you don't mind, Mr Purvis,
I'd like to find that out for myself.
A word of advice, friend.
At, uh, Godolphin,
the name of the game is football.
- That's what makes the mare
go around here, so, uh...
- Football.
Don't get any big ideas.
- Wouldn't dream of it.
- Oh, well, come along, Mr Purvis.
I'm sure that Mr Walker
will acclimatize very quickly.
Track team!
- Miss Stowecroft?
- Sit down, Ishmael.
No, my name's Steve Walker,
Miss Stowecroft.
I believe a room was arranged
for me here through the college.
- You know, living accommodations?
- We accommodate the living.
But who shall accommodate the dead?
Give me your hand, Ishmael.
Oh, no, no, no.
I don't want my fortune told.
Just a room, Miss Stowecroft.
There's a revelation here.
Dark deeds and violence.
Things roused up
that were better left to rot.
If you'll tell me where
the keys are, Miss Stowecroft...
- I'd be happy to...
- Hold. There's more to the revelation.
- We see good here too.
- Oh, well, that's good.
Happiness. Happiness and content
for the people of Godolphin...
delivered from an ancient evil,
and gratitude to you, Ishmael...
- Oh.
- Who have sacrificed your own life...
in their delivery.
Now the light fades.
That is all.
- Now, about the room, Miss Stowecroft...
- That's all.
- Yes, but...
- You may leave an honorarium...
for the care and welfare of the spirits
in the bowl on your way out.
Oh, thank you. Come again.
Hi.
Hey! What's the big idea?
Well, kisses, one buck, right?
But I don't work here. Can't you read?
I'm executive committee.
I work here.
Well, now, so you do.
Well, that is what I call
a real good dollar kiss.
- Plenty of value for the money.
- Would you hold this a minute, please?
How would you like to try
the five-dollar special?
Five-dollar special.
May I have my badge?
Thank you.
Oh, no, I'm terribly sorry.
Only one to a customer.
Excuse me.
Oh, Miss Stowecroft.
If I could get that room now, please?
Oh, Ishmael! Come along, please.
The auction is about to begin.
Ladies and gentlemen of Godolphin
and neighbouring community...
you all know the purpose
of this bazaar.
Our good friends,
the Daughters of the Buccaneers...
took over this old ruin many years ago
and turned it into a cultural landmark.
They serve tea,
cooked chicken dinners...
even turned part of it
into a boarding house...
anything to keep it going,
but that's not enough.
And unless enough money
is raised tonight...
this place that has been their home
for so many years...
will pass into the hands
of strangers.
So, when Miss Stowecroft
begins to auction off...
the treasured mementoes, the fine
antiques and the family heirlooms...
that these good ladies have
so generously donated to the cause...
I beg you to search your hearts
and to bid cheerfully...
boldly and very, very generously.
Thank you. Miss Stowecroft.
Thank you, Professor Baker.
Lot number one.
A fine antique pistol...
which has been in the immediate
family of Miss Emily Jeffrey...
past president
of the Daughters of the Buccaneers...
for many, many years.
- Now...
- Uh, one dollar.
Oh, can't we do better than that?
Who'll give me $20?
Do I hear $20?
Oh, the gentleman in the back
just waved.
The gentleman in the back says, "$20."
Who'll give me $30?
- Thirty dollars.
- Thirty-five dollars.
- Forty.
- Fifty dollars.
- Sixty dollars.
- Seventy.
Do I hear $80?
- Eighty dollars!
- One hundred dollars!
One hundred dollars bid!
Do I hear 110?
Professor Baker, how about
your nice young man in the back?
Oh, I don't think so.
He just backed into his shell.
Very well.
One hundred dollars once.
One hundred dollars twice.
Sold!
All right, move in.
- One hundred dollars.
- Thank you.
- Lot number two. A genuine antique...
- You got taken, buddy. This is a fake.
- Copper-bottomed bed warmer.
- Take my advice.
Don't bid on anything else.
- I think well over 250 years old.
- You mean the warming pan is fake too?
That's tourist junk.
- And Mr Seymour don't like
to see you throw your money away.
- Ladies and gentlemen...
this bed warmer is believed to have been
the property of Aldetha Teach...
tenth wife of our dear
Captain Blackbeard.
- And now, what am I bid?
- If you want to bid, go ahead, but, uh,
I don't think Mr Seymour would like it.
Mrs Starkey, how about
starting the bidding for us?
N- No, thanks.
I, I don't think so.
- How about you, Mr Finch?
- Oh, uh, no, no, thank you.
Uh, Mr Harrison, you'll open
the bidding for us, I know.
This pistol's enough for me.
Oh. Will no one open the bidding...
on this magnificent item?
- Five dollars!
- Well, thank you.
- Ten dollars.
- Mr Virgil Purvis...
our football coach, bids $ 10.
- Fifteen.
- Twenty dollars.
- Twenty-five.
- Thirty dollars.
- Thirty-five.
- Fifty dollars.
- Fifty-five.
- Sixty.
- Sixty-five.
- Seventy!
- Five!
- One hundred dollars!
- As we all know...
Mr Virgil Purvis, our football coach,
doesn't like to lose.
He very generously bids $ 100.
Just an opinion, but I wouldn't
bid any more if I were you.
- Are there any other bids?
- Well, now, why is that?
- No reason. I just don't want you to.
- One hundred dollars going once.
- Oh.
- One hundred dollars twice.
- Two hundred dollars.
- Two hundred dollars once.
Two hundred dollars twice. Sold
to the nice young gentleman in back.
Now we're really rolling!
- Excuse me.
- Lot number three.
Here we have a fascinating piece
from colonial times.
The clock in the gentleman's stomach
keeps perfect time.
- Now, what am I bid?
- New around here, aren't you?
- Yeah.
- Do I hear $20?
- Just passing through?
- Nope.
- Thirty dollars.
- Might stick around a while, huh?
- Thirty-five dollars.
- Might.
- Thank you.
- We'll see each other again.
- Fifty dollars.
- Good night.
- Eighty dollars.
- Hi.
- Hi.
- How'd you make out?
- Fine. Much better than we expected.
- Thank you.
- That's good. No problem, then?
Oh, I wish that were true.
We still have another $38,000...
to give Mr Seymour
before the first of the month.
Say, why is Mr Seymour so anxious to get
his hands on this property anyway?
Here, I'll show you on the map.
You see, this is...
this is the island we're on.
Well, in Blackbeard's time,
the river flowed this way.
And the inn wasn't on an island at all.
It was part of the mainland.
Then about, oh, 80 years ago, we had
this terrible flood and a storm...
and the, uh, the river
changed its course...
isolating the inn
from the mainland.
As a result, nobody's ever
been able to clarify...
what the legal jurisdiction
of the island really is.
- Th-That's where Mr Seymour comes in?
- Sure.
He can tear down the inn,
put up a big, modern casino...
- and the law can't bother him.
- Mm-hmm.
Oh, uh, well, I'd like to thank you
for what you did tonight.
You know, without you, we wouldn't
have had much of an auction.
Well, I just kept bidding
because it made you smile.
I like that smile.
Jo Anne, aren't you re...
I've been waiting to drive you home.
Excuse me. Good night.
Good night.
I'm going to put you in his room.
I'm sure he won't mind.
- He?
- Captain Blackbeard.
- Oh.
This looks out to the river
and to the upper bay.
Oh, the captain used to stand here
for hours with his spyglass...
studying the ships
moving in and out.
He'd pick out the one he liked...
then he'd come here
to this very table...
and with his men,
he'd plan how to seize it.
Well, thank you, Miss Stowecroft.
I know how anxious you must be
to get to bed, so...
Sometimes when he's in a bad mood
or feeling lonely...
we hear him thumping around,
breaking glasses and bottles...
trying so hard
to communicate with us.
I suppose we should all be very angry
with him for all that noise.
But, you know,
it isn't his fault, poor man.
Then, whose fault is it?
- Aldetha's, of course.
- Who?
Number ten.
The captain's last wife, but one.
Oh, the one your warming pan
belonged to.
- Oh. Well, good...
- Aldetha was a witch, you know.
She never forgave the captain
for denouncing her to the authorities.
When they were burning
Aldetha at the stake...
she put a terrible curse on him.
As the flames
crept higher and higher...
she screeched her dying words:
"Edward Teach, sometimes known
as Captain Blackbeard...
"when you come to die,
may your body and soul...
"be racked between this world
and the next...
"always to be alone.
"May this curse hold fast and true.
"May you dwell
forevermore in limbo...
"or until such time
as there be found in you...
"most wicked of all villains...
some spark of human goodness".
Well, good night, Mr Walker.
Sleep well.
The dining room will be open
for breakfast at 7:30 am.
Oh, please be prompt.
Oh, no.
Two hundred bucks.
"Aldetha Teach".
Well, so the thing
did belong to her.
"Her book of spells
and conjurations".
Well, now.
"A spell to turn your enemy
into a spotted toad".
"A spell to turn mercury
into gold".
I wonder if there's a spell to make
a track team out of a pig's ear.
"A spell to bring
to your eyes and ears...
one who is bound in limbo".
Well, how about that? Limbo.
Curses. Pirates. Malarky.
Blackbeard himself was a phony.
He was probably some chicken-livered
little pipsqueak...
that built up a reputation
scaring old women and children.
Chicken-livered pipsqueak, is it?
A remark spoke slighted like that...
could raise a man's blood now,
could it not?
I've been on the road since 5:00
this morning. I'm just tired.
Nothing to eat. Miss Stowecroft
gassed me up with pirate stories.
I'm all right. I'm just tired.
Boy, am I tired!
I don't think you're real.
I don't think that sword is real!
And I'm gonna walk right through it
and go to bed!
Try it, mate.
- It's real.
- Who called me out?
- What?
- Who invoked me?
Aldetha's writing. No!
Aldetha done it.
"Beware," cried me shipmates.
"Sheer off. That girl,
she be a true witch".
And I paid no heed.
Oh, Aldetha.
To do that to your legal
spoke husband. Oh!
The story is,
Blackbeard had her burned.
Burned? I never
put a taper to her. Never.
Oh, I own that down in the horse
latitudes, on a dull day...
I might've keel-hauled a wife or two,
or else walked one off the end
of a plank, yes.
But I never did it for spite.
Funny thing about me.
Never did it for spite.
I might've done it out of, uh, jest...
to keep the spirit
of me shipmates up.
And now to real business.
Where'd you stow it?
- What? What?
- Your rum.
- I don't drink.
- Don't drink?
Ship's stores.
Have to seek succor there.
Ah, Mrs Stowecroft,
your humble servant. Servant.
A bottle of rum
No glasses are left
I'll drink from the bottle
with you, sir
You don't know
what you're missing, son.
- She didn't see you.
- Aye?
- She didn't even hear you.
- Oh, why should she?
I'm a kind of a ghost, you know.
In limbo, caught twixt
this world and the next...
beholden to that spell
which brings me to your eyes only.
You mean, no one can see you
except me?
That's about the shape of it, son.
And that's why I'll be sailing
alongside of you, see?
Wheresoever thou goest,
there also will I go.
So let's drink to that. Are you sure
you don't want to freshen your spleen?
Now, let's get one thing straight!
I want nothing to do with you!
I'm go...
I'm gonna go to bed...
and you can go back into the woodwork
or wherever it is you came from!
Belay that tongue! One thing
old Blackbeard don't take kindly to...
it's them sort of "insinuendos".
Come to think of it, I don't care
for the cut of your jib, neither.
If I were to lay this course,
I'd choose myself a companion...
a hearty companion,
with a little blood on his sleeve...
and a predilection
for rum, for song...
and for the occasional wench.
But what have I got? Hmm?
I've got a shindly little beanrake.
- Now, wait!
- Yes, I have. With the shakes
and the whimpers.
- What do you mean the sh-shakes and...
- Doesn't even want to join me
in a drink.
We're stuck with one another,
you and I.
The cruise may well be a long one,
so you'd better make the best of it.
And I take this opportunity
of bidding you a very good night.
Hey! Hey, wait a minute!
Get off of my bed!
- Your bed?
- My bed!
"My bed"? I captured it from a Portugee
trader at the sack of Cartagena!
- I spitted him clean and sweet
against the headboard! - Well, I...
Don't rush me.
There it is.
There's your Portugee,
what's left of him.
Well, if you think
I'm gonna sleep on the floor,
you've got another thing coming!
Oh, well then, welcome aboard
and drop your hook.
Devil is the man whoever said
that old Teach was inhospitable.
All I ask is to be able
to get to sleep, because I know...
because I know that when I wake up
tomorrow morning, none of this
will have ever happened.
Nine men... Down!
Oh, when nine and twenty Spanish lads
You pull it on the sheets, my boy
Up! The Jolly Roger!
Wind freshening, aye, Mr Bellamy.
El Portugee, it's your daughter
I'm after, senor, not your bed.
Don Mendoza, we meet again.
Pick up your weapon, sir.
Take my regards
to the king of Spain!
Bellamy! Oh!
That's it!
That is absolutely it!
Figment of my imagination
or no figment, he can have his room.
He can have his bed!
I don't need it.
I'm going to the Ye Jolly Roger Motel
where the salesmen go.
Well, nothing like a little fresh air
to straighten you out.
For a while there, I almost
believed there was a pirate.
Oh, no. You're back! Right?
That be about
the measure of it, lad.
I fear there's no way of being rid
of dear old Blackbeard.
Well, that's great.
That is just great!
I couldn't have an ordinary ghost
on my hands! I got a rummy!
- A big, ugly, booze-soaked rummy!
- Hold on there!
There be no call to put the fuddler's
name on your new-found shipmate.
Uh, look, lad...
I've been very lonely, see.
I'm just an old hulk,
wrecked on a lee shore.
All my shipmates gone,
no one to listen to me no more.
You don't care for me,
that's plain as print.
- Shut up, will ya? Shut up.
Ju-Ju-Just shut up.
- Aye. Aye, aye.
You wouldn't have such a thing
as an handkerchief...
- on your person, would you?
- I don't have a handkerchief.
- Oh, you must, do you?
- Keep your hands to yourself!
No!
What manner of craft
be this we're cruisin' in?
- What?
- This craft.
- Oh. It's an automobile.
- Aye?
- An automobile!
- Oh, is it? Yes, "automotonees".
- Yes, "autosomonees".
- Hey, sit down!
It's propelled by some kind of animal
under the hatch, is it?
No, it isn't! Sit down now.
Hey, what do you think you're doing?
- I've a mind to have a hand at the helm.
- Well, you've got another mind coming!
- You're gonna kill us, you idiot!
- Take your hands off the spokes...
or I'll bend a marlinspike
around your loaf!
- I'll take that wheel.
- I haven't finished my turn yet.
- Wait!
- Get away from there! It's my turn.
- Get your hands off the wheel!
- Feels like a weather helm, don't it?
- I'll show her who's master!
- No! No, no! No, no! No, no!
No, no, no!
- We're in the breakers, boy!
- Get out!
Back the main braces!
Stand by to wear ship now!
Take your foot off of my gas!
- Look out!
- Read about. Hard alee. Hard alee.
Avast, ya lubber!
What are you doin' in the main channel?
Oh, no, not a policeman!
Let... Let go! Let go!
Look, I'll give you the wheel later.
Right now, I...
You've done it now,
you dumb ox!
Steer out of the whirlpool!
Man overboard!
Your driver's licence, please.
- Who's the popinjay?
- Will you stay out of this?
Well, Mr Walker, I see we've been out
getting our nose wet somewhere tonight.
It so happens, I don't drink.
And what is that
on the seat beside you?
- It looks like a bottle of rum.
- May I have it, please?
I believe you're right, Mr Walker.
It is a bottle of rum.
Let the swab
find his own rum, I say!
Will you give me this bottle and stop
maying a nuisance out of yourself?
I'll take charge of that bottle,
if you don't mind.
You let go of the bottle,
you idiot!
No need for epithets, Mr Walker.
I'm only trying to do my job.
I'm afraid destruction of the evidence
isn't going to help you any, Mr Walker.
Now this be the foulest crime of all...
wasting good spirits.
By thunder,
this raises me blood!
No, don't do it!
There's no need for you
to get emotional about this.
You've had the fun.
Now you can take the consequences.
All right, lad, all right.
I shan't harm him.
But this gentleman
needs a lesson in manners.
It's plain to see that you're
starting to come apart at the seams.
All itchy, twitchy,
talking to yourself.
- Cut it out, will you, Blackbeard?
- All right, get out of the car!
Hey, watch that thing! It's probably...
Hey, look out, will you!
Five balls in one load, mate.
Five!
Many's the time off the Maricaibos...
I could've done with a prime
little darling like that.
Give way, you landlubber!
The key, you idiot!
The key!
Turn off the key!
Think you can get
away from me, do you?
Calling Patrolman 9,
we're at the corner of...
Hey, lad, that be better sport than
riding a humpback whale in a hurricane!
Hey, care for a drench, son?
It'll brighten your scan.
- You're still here, huh?
- Aldetha's testament, I see.
Studying some way to get rid
of poor old Blackbeard, are you?
- How'd you guess?
- I have been observing thee...
and I note that you have a bent
for getting yourself into trouble.
I get into trouble?
Oh, that is really rich!
Who do you suppose put me here?
Well, do you think I like
this mortal life of yours?
Aye, there doesn't seem to be
any honest joy any more.
Your modern life of yours
seems to have got small.
Everything's puckered up.
You call this a four-poster bed?
Clear the way there!
I'm down.
You won't get
no comfort out of that.
If it's Aldetha laid that spell, you can
mark it a good one, without no loophole.
Now, wait a minute.
Mrs Stowecroft told me that curse.
Something about you having to dwell
forevermore in limbo.
- Limbo.
- Then something, something, something...
Until there be found in you
some spark of human goodness.
- What's the matter?
- Aldetha was bright as brass.
She knew me like a book.
Well, you must have done
something good.
Did you ever...
Did you ever pat a dog?
- A dog?
- Yeah.
- Pet it?
- Yes.
- No, I never did pet it.
- Did you ever help an old lady
across the street?
- That's silly.
- Anything?
- No.
- No.
No, we're sunk, you and me.
Dead as pork. Might as well...
face up to it.
Hey. Hey, the little old ladies,
the Daughters of the Buccaneers.
Your own kith and kin, some of them.
Give them your treasure.
- My treasure?
- Yeah.
The one that people have been
talking about for so long. It's hidden
somewhere around here, isn't it?
- Never mind.
- Eh?
- Why should I give them my treasure?
- Why, you great ape?
Because you can do some good with it.
You can help them.
In helping them, you might help
yourself. You might break the curse.
- You thinks this, does ye?
- Yes, I thinks this.
If you help those little old ladies
save their home...
they'll name public schools
and bridges and highways after you.
Can't you see it?
Teach Park.
Teach Highway. See?
The Edward Teach, uh, Memorial,
uh, Free Day Nursery.
- Free?
- For babies.
- Oh, for babies.
- Yeah.
- Named for me, a wicked old pirate?
- Yeah.
And for nothing more
than a few chests of doubloons
and a few strands of precious jewels?
- You bet they will.
- And in spite of the fact...
that I've got the blood of a thousand
gallant lads still on my hands?
Will you forget the blood!
I mean, I'm trying!
Look, crack loose with the treasure,
huh? It's the only way.
- Well, it don't sound right to me.
- Of course it doesn't sound
right to you!
How would a creep like you know
the difference between right and wrong?
That's why the curse
held on so long. Now, come on.
- Where's the treasure?
- Well, I suppose I must trust you.
- Yeah. Where is it?
- The treasure?
- Yeah.
- Want to know the treasure?
- Yeah.
Hmm? Where is it?
Where's the treasure?
- There ain't no treasure.
- There ain't... What?
No! Not a penny. There's not a doubloon.
There's not a bent or damaged peseta.
That is one of the most outrageous
things that I have ever...
Do you realize people have been
searching for that treasure
for over two centuries? Huh?
Poor, unfortunate souls
grubbing and digging in the dirt!
I'm not good for nothing!
I'm not, I'm not!
Grubbing in the dirt,
old poor people there...
Oh, don't start crying again.
Look, you must have saved
a few coins somewhere. Something?
- No, no.
- I did have a treasure.
- Yeah?
- I had a big treasure.
- Yeah?
- Lovely, I did.
- Yes.
- I spent it all in one week...
among the fleshpots
and gambling halls of Port Royal.
- Oh, it was a glorious week, that was.
- You know what you are?
You are a 100% total loss.
You're not even a respectable ghost!
You're a phony!
- Aye?
- A phony!
Oh, I've run aground.
If you ask me, the guy was stoned.
I say get rid of him.
The police report said they
released him for lack of evidence.
It says, "Although the atmosphere
at the police station...
reeked of cheap rum, the test showed
no trace of alcohol in his system".
Oh, he probably figured some cute way
to neutralize the booze.
Pills or something. Science is doing
all kinds of stuff like that these days.
Well, there's a corollary.
It says that Mr Walker spoke loudly
to someone in his cell all night long.
Well, there's nothing
wrong with that.
It happened there was on one
in the cell with him.
So he's either stoned or he's nuts.
Either way, who needs it?
Professor, I left last night
before the auction.
Did you notice anything unusual
in Mr Walker's behaviour?
- Yes, I did.
- There. You see?
When Silky Seymour and his cheap
hoodlums scared the daylights
out of everyone else...
he is the only one
that stood up like a man.
Now, wait a minute, Jo Anne.
That's not fair.
If I may remind you, Dean, the
Broxton Relays take place next month,
and our team needs its coach.
- They need Mr Walker.
- I still say we ought to saw him off.
This guy's not gonna come up
with anything.
Just a minute, Mr Purvis.
Now, we have fielded a team in the
Broxton Relays for the past 63 years.
We'll carry on the tradition
as best we can with Mr Walker.
Well, I'm sure you won't regret it.
- Oh, Professor?
- Yes?
I realize that your field
is child psychology...
however I'd appreciate it
if you'd keep an informal eye
on Mr Walker's behaviour.
Oh, certainly.
It's the least I can do.
Thank you.
Mr Purvis,
does it strike you as odd...
that sooner or later,
all our track coaches seem to crack up?
I can understand the others,
but this one hasn't even seen the team.
Say, why has Fellspahr got
his fingers in his ears? That's...
- It's on account of the starter, sir.
- You mean he's...
Yes, sir.
Fellspahr is afraid of guns.
Th-The way I figure it,
Coach, is we need more time
to whip these boys into shape.
You don't suppose they could postpone
the Broxton meet, do you?
No.
Okay, fellas, that's it for today.
Hit the showers.
Right, Coach. Let's go, fellas!
You all go now! Lots of spirit!
How fares your day today, eh?
As if I don't have enough troubles.
For a short, wonderful while there,
I thought I'd lost you.
You know where I've been?
I've been in Godolphin Town...
roaming the streets and shores
of my young manhood...
- Yeah.
- Soaking myself in nostalgia.
I know. I can smell it!
And you know,
as fate would have it...
I went down to one of these here
gambling establishments...
- by name Silky's Place.
- Hey, take off, will you?
- I've got a lot to do.
- And I overheard what some
of the natives are saying...
on this here subject
of gambling, see?
- Go away! I mean it!
- Now, if there's been one
abiding passion in my life...
it's been the pleasure of gold
or silver coin upon a wager.
So when I heard that I could get 40 or...
listen to this... 50 to 1...
on the forthcoming enterprise
of your young rabbits...
- Ooh, with all that...
- What?
You want your lads to win, don't you?
I can teach you how to do it.
- Forget it!
- Why should I?
I was a good hand
at teaching young crews.
'Twas no accident, by thunder,
I was known as the finest pirate...
ever to sail the Spanish Main.
Or the Portugee Main either,
for that matter.
Now you'll be asking yourself
with some impatience, "Why was this?"
I'll tell you why.
I trained my men to win!
Win! Always win!
By fair means or foul,
by soft words and hard deeds...
by treachery, by cunning,
by malpractice...
but always win.
You mean you have the unmitigated brass
to ask me to let you train my team?
I'm not doing this for myself,
believe me. No.
I'm doing this for those
dear, sweet old ladies.
- Oh, yeah?
- Yes, I am.
The little lavender-scented ladies,
I like to call them...
that stagger up their rickety
staircases of the night...
their lanterns held aloft when the
lights got too bad for knitting by...
and say to one another,
"Ellen, where is our ship?"
Of which Blackbeard is captain.
"And which may never now
come to port at all".
Never mind the snow job!
I feel just as sorry for those old
women as you do, but that doesn't...
- No.
- Yes, I do. That doesn't give you leave
to put your bloody paws onto my team.
Now, you stay away from those boys,
you understand me?
If we win anything, which I doubt,
we're gonna do it without cheating.
Without cheating? Ha-ha!
You've never lived, boy.
You don't know what life is like.
Just go away! Go maroon
yourself somewhere, will ya?
- Let me help you.
- Go on! Go on!
You don't know what life is made of!
Little old things...
You see?
There he goes again.
Well, I don't know what his problem is.
But whatever it is, it's a beaut.
I take it your observations
so far have been inconclusive.
Well, I can't tell if he's
all keyed up over the track meet...
or if there are outside pressures
we don't know about.
L... Well, I just haven't been able
to get a close-range view.
- Pity.
- Oh, I am having dinner
with him tonight.
Ah, he asked you to have dinner?
Well, not exactly.
I asked him.
Do you think that's wise?
Well, it's entirely
within my discretionary power...
as head of the committee
to welcome new faculty and
students to Godolphin College.
Professor Baker,
we don't have any such committee.
- Well, we do now.
- Oh. Oh, yes.
Hello, Professor.
Nice to see you.
Mr Walker,
so we meet again.
- Looks that way.
- Tell you what.
Let me buy you a good lobster dinner.
Afterwards, we'll drop
into the back rooms and have
a whirl at lady luck, huh?
Well, thank you, but,
well, that's not likely.
Suit yourself. There's no harm
in asking, is there?
Leon, these are friends of mine.
See that they get a nice table.
Yes, sir.
This way, please.
Enjoy your dinner.
- What's he doing here?
- Mr Seymour owns this place.
I'm sorry, but it's
the best restaurant in town.
How's the action?
I can't tell you how much
I appreciate this.
- Appreciate what?
- Your suggesting dinner tonight.
That's perfectly all right.
The committee stands ready...
to advise, counsel, and extend a helping
hand to the newcomer at all times.
Yes, that's very nice. Actually,
I do need someone I can talk to.
I've had a problem
for a couple of weeks now...
and I've been afraid
to talk to somebody because...
they might think I was silly.
- Well, please go on.
- Thank you.
You see, it started
the night of the auction.
I sat down on the bed
to remove my shoes.
I was tired. I wasn't paying too much
attention to what I was doing...
and I sat right down
on that antique bed warmer.
- I broke the handle right off.
- Oh, well, you mustn't
let that bother you.
- Oh, no, it wasn't that.
- No, I-I think I have th-the address...
of a little shop down on Main Street
where we can get it fixed.
No, Professor, wait a minute.
Wow!
What's the matter?
Aren't you afraid to carry
all that around with you?
Oh, well, I'm... I hate
to leave it in the apartment.
I'm-I'm taking it
to the bank in the morning. It belongs
to the Daughters of the Buccaneers.
Oh, oh, yeah. The little old ladies
and their mortgage.
I hope they're gonna make it.
Mr Walker, this is only $900.
Unless $37,000 or a miracle,
preferably both...
turn up by tomorrow night,
midnight, those little ladies
are gonna lose their home.
Oh, I'm sorry to hear that.
Say, uh, can't you borrow
the money from the bank?
Well, not at the moment, but, uh,
then we were talking about your problem.
Oh, yeah.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, my problem.
- Mr Walker?
- Yeah?
- Are we looking for somebody?
- Yes, my problem.
Look, I know your first inclination
is gonna be...
boy, is gonna be
not to believe this.
- Hear me out, please.
- Certainly.
Well, as I said, it was
the night of the auction.
- When I sat down on my bed warmer,
that's when he first appeared.
- He?
Yeah, yeah, yeah. It was because of him
I spent the first night in jail...
- and I haven't been able
to get him off my back yet.
- Well, is, uh, is he here now?
No, no, no, no.
I don't see him around now.
- But I smell him.
- Smell him?
Yes, he's got a breath
that would stun a horse.
He's a booze-guzzling old cutthroat,
and he's latched onto me
as his buddy-buddy.
Well, uh, does he have a name?
Well, I mean,
who does he claim to be?
Blackbeard's ghost.
- Blackbeard's ghost?
- Yeah.
Well, how can you be sure
he's the real Blackbeard's ghost,
the ghost of Captain Teach?
Well, you ought to see him.
He's got whiskers, he's got a cutlass,
he's got the whole bit.
- That must be who
I saw you talking to today.
- Yes, yes, yes.
That's what I've been
afraid to tell anybody.
I mean, they'd think I was nuts.
Oh, well, I don't think anybody
would think that.
But you certainly do have a problem.
- I've got a problem.
I've got a problem.
- Oh, yes, you...
- Will you order now, sir?
- Uh, yes, yes, thank you.
- Madame.
- Oh, thank you.
Our shore dinners
are very good this evening, sir.
Well, that sounds... sounds good to me.
How about you, Professor?
- Oh, the shore dinners
are excellent. Yeah, that's fine.
- Fine, fine. Uh, two shore dinners.
Very good, sir. Now, would you like
our special dressing on your salads?
- That's fine.
- Thank you.
- Oh, please, go on.
- Oh. Oh, are you sure you want me to?
- I mean, I don't want to bug
somebody else with my problems.
- Oh, no, no. I want to hear.
- Okay.
- Uh, you were telling me
how you first met Captain Blackbeard.
Right.
- Where was I?
- Well, you were sitting
on your antique bed warmer.
Right. The handle broke right off.
Do you know
it turned out to be hollow?
I thought nothing of it
for a moment, then I noticed...
there was something rolled up inside...
a dusty old paper.
I thought it was gonna fall apart
right in my hands.
It gave me kind of a funny feeling.
Oh! Oh, you poor man.
- Waiter, did you hurt yourself?
- I'm so sorry.
- Oh, that's quite all right.
It's just a little water.
- No harm done.
- Will madame please forgive me?
- Certainly.
- Hi, Danny.
- Hi.
You just missed the first race
at Green Meadows.
Godolphin...
to win...
Nine hundred dollars.
They're in the starting gate now.
There's the rabbit, and they're off!
Coming past the grandstand is Pilsen
leading the field.
- Hello Baby is second...
- Come on, Baby!
Rainy Weather, third
and Daddy Dumpling is fourth.
At the first turn,
it's Pilsen by two lengths...
Rainy Weather moving into second,
Hello Baby and Daddy Dumpling.
- In the back stretch, it's Pilsen...
- This your bet, Danny?
- Daddy Dumpling is second, coming up.
- What do you think I'm standing
here for?
Rainy Weather is fading.
Hello Baby is fading.
- I hope you know what you're doin'.
- Let me worry about that, will ya?
- It's Pilsen...
- Be right back.
Hello Baby.
Oh, Mr Seymour,
take a look at this.
- Godolphin to win? Who's the patsy?
- Danny Oley. Okay?
Listen, his money's as good
as anybody else's.
- Uh, what price are you making?
- On this one? Anything.
For an old customer like Danny,
let's make it interesting...
say, 50 to 1.
At the three-quarter pole,
it's Daddy Dumpling.
Aunt Pavla is second. Pilsen is third.
Dandy Andy moving into fourth.
- It's Daddy Dumpling...
- Okay, Danny.
Into the stretch it's Dandy Andy
and Aunt Pavla...
Daddy Dumpling and Snow Queen.
At the finish, it's Snow Queen,
Aunt Pavla and Daddy Dumpling.
Winsome Lass to win in the second.
- What's the matter?
- You just made a bet.
Something closing in on you, Pops?
This is my bet.
- Fifty on Winsome Lass to win.
- Danny, don't you remember?
You bet Godolphin $900
to win the Broxton Relay.
I bet... Come on, will ya?
I wouldn't bet on Godolphin
to start with the letter "G."
Well, skipping all
the-the technical language
and getting down to the point, uh...
I- I would say, if you'll ignore him,
he'll go away.
And may I tell you something?
He's not so easy to ignore.
Oh, please try.
I know you can do it.
You know, Professor, sitting...
sitting here with you like this...
I almost believe you're right.
- I will try.
- Bravo!
Now just say, "Farewell, Blackbeard.
Bother me no more".
Farewell, Blackbeard. Bother me no more.
I like the sound of that.
But just in case that it doesn't work,
may I feel free to
call on you at any time?
Somehow, you give me
a feeling of security.
Oh. Well, certainly.
L... Well, there's no point in
being the head of a committee...
unless you intend
to do your job properly.
- How true.
- Yeah.
Oh, no.
Sorry about the ice cream, madame.
Oh, it's quite all right...
but, uh, I think I'll skip dessert.
Yeah, yeah.
Uh, just the check, please.
- Here we are. Uh, keep the change.
- Thank you.
Shall we?
- Oh.
- Come along.
- Excuse me.
- Good night.
- Good night, madame.
- Good night now.
- Thank you.
Uh, good night, ma'am.
Good night, sir.
- Good night.
- Good night.
How do you do, ladies and gentlemen?
Mel Willis here.
And welcome to Sports Spectacular...
coming to you this week
from Broxton Field...
home of the famous national
track and field event...
the Broxton Invitational Relays.
Now, as you sports fans know...
there are some four college teams
represented here tonight.
At least three of these squads
are numbered among the outstanding
teams in the nation.
As for the fourth, little Godolphin
College from across the river...
Well, in the old days, the Godolphin
track squad took a back seat to no one.
They had a great tradition.
But those good old days
seem to be gone forever.
I want you to look at this event
not as an ordinary track meet...
but as a preparation for life.
Now, some of you
are gonna be graduating soon.
You're gonna find the world out there
full of nothing but trouble...
frustration and...
and strife.
And I tell you right now that nowhere
will you find a better preparation...
for that world outside than to be
a member of this particular track team.
All right, it's time to go.
But I want you to know, no matter
what happens out there tonight...
in my heart, each and every
one of you is a champion.
Let's go!
Oh, pardon me, Professor.
Oh, Jo Anne. Nice of you to come.
We can use all
the good wishes we can get.
Well, I certainly do wish
you and your team good luck.
- However, that is not why I'm here.
- Oh.
You may recall that, uh, last night
I placed the sum of $900 in my bag...
and when I opened it
this morning...
I found this in its place.
"$900 on Godolphin".
Jo Anne...
I appreciate the gesture of confidence,
but you shouldn't have done it.
Mr Walker, in the first place,
I do not bet.
And in the second place, if I did,
I certainly would not embezzle funds...
that have been placed
in my trust to do it.
Well, then how did it happen?
Well, I believe you were
the only person to know
that I had that money in my purse.
It's that rotten pirate.
He did it!
Can you imagine, taking money meant
for those little old ladies?
- Well, someone took it.
- Now I remember. Now I...
Your purse went off...
You don't think I did it, do you?
Well, you can't expect me
to credit that story.
Well, Jo Anne,
that's exactly what happened!
Besides, didn't you say
you believed in the pirate?
Well, not $900 worth!
Besides, I believe in him as...
as a-a metaphysical image...
not some stupid,
sticky-fingered goop.
Well, that's exactly what he is!
- Hurry up, Coach. It's beginning.
- I'll be right there.
- Okay. - Mr. Walker,
I- I shan't bother you any more.
I want you to know
that I understand perfectly.
Your motives were good, even though
your reasoning was perfectly idiotic!
With the captain and the bottle
You regard me strangely, son.
Something amiss?
- You took that money.
- Money? Money.
Oh, the odd flimsy I removed from
the purse of your, uh, bookish wench.
Why should that stir your ire?
Because it belongs
to the little old ladies!
Now, lookee here.
You know as well as I do I replaced
that money with a piece of paper...
what will bring great wealth
to them small old ladies.
Money in fifty-fold!
Oh, I can't trust no one.
- I'll deal with this matter personally.
- Wait a minute.
Just how do you figure to do that?
By bringing a victory
in this sport event...
which is taking place
out there this moment.
- Aha! I told you once to keep...
Give me that rubbing alcohol!
- Hey! Oh!
- That's a dangerous move, me hearty.
- That's not to drink, you idiot!
- What are you trying
to do, kill yourself?
- Little late to think
about that, isn't it?
Wait a minute. Wait a minute.
Let's get one thing straight
between you and me right now.
You're to keep your grubby paws
off of my boys. You understand that?
I don't know what you're trying to do
out there, but you are not gonna do it.
My team may not win out there,
but whatever they do...
they're gonna do it honestly.
Come on, Coach, will ya? We've
come in last in two events already.
Hands off. You got that?
"Come on, Coach, will ya? We've
come in last in two events already".
Another bean rake.
All right, play it whatever
way you like, ya puppy.
Get no help from me.
You'll come crawlin' back, you will.
I'll bring my boot to you,
and I'll grind your mealy-mouthed jib...
into the dirt!
I will.
Ladies and gentlemen,
it's going just about as I predicted.
Broxton has won the first three events,
followed by Tidewater Tech and State...
and lastly,
little Godolphin College...
which has not scored
a single point...
nor, in my humble opinion,
seems likely to.
The discus throw. LJ Sewell of
Broxton College, the first contestant.
Ladies and gentlemen,
it looks like a new meet record!
In the discus throw,
Sewell of Broxton College...
210 feet and 11 inches.
Now, you're gonna do fine, Bagwell.
Just remember to let go
on the second turn, huh?
- Let go, second turn. Right, Coach.
- Okay.
Bagwell of Godolphin College
ready on the discus throw.
Oh, how I dread this.
Let go!
Bagwell, let go of the discus!
- Bagwell of Godolphin College fouls.
- You know, Dean,
this whole thing bugs me.
You take the profits made
by my football boys,
then go right out and blow it...
on sweat socks and stuff
for this crummy team.
- Excuse me.
- Would you be good enough to spare me
your usual soliloquy on sweat socks?
Mr Seymour, may I speak with you
for a moment, please?
Why, certainly, Professor, anytime.
Run along, fellas.
Now, Professor,
what can I do for you?
Well, yesterday, uh...
I shan't explain how, but...
$900 belonging to
the Daughters of the Buccaneers...
was bet on Godolphin.
Say, now.
So the bet was all your doing, huh?
Well, I... I was wondering...
if you would be kind enough to cancel
the bet and give us back the money?
Professor, as you know,
I'm a man of principle.
And man and boy, my guiding principle
has always been a bet's a bet.
But look at those poor old ladies.
What's gonna happen to them?
You know they have nowhere to go.
I've been thinking about
those dear old girls...
living in that drafty inn,
working their fingers to the bone...
living from hand to mouth...
cluttering up that valuable
piece of real estate.
Now, do they know about this?
Of course not.
I wouldn't dare raise false hopes.
Then you won't give it back?
Sweetness, what do you take me for?
Oh, Professor,
you'd better hold onto this.
That may become
very valuable someday.
I know your sort.
Ready for the start of the mile run.
Contestants will take their positions.
My great, great granddaughters.
By thunder!
There be a time for action!
Old ladies, Blackbeard's coming.
Up the Jolly Roger!
Well, let's see where we stand now.
The mile run is in its second lap.
Leading at the moment is Broxton.
Over at the high jump,
Shockley of Godolphin.
- What was that?
- Unusual jumping style there.
Hey, Coach, Shockley
just cleared 6' 11 "!
- Our Shockley?
- And they're trying for seven feet!
Shockley of Godolphin jumping.
- He clears the bar at seven feet.
- Great stuff, Coach.
Where did you find him?
Well, we never know, do we?
It only proves that nothing is certain
in the world of... Just a moment.
Here's the final lap
of the mile run coming around now.
- Where did you find him, Coach?
- Get out of there! Excuse me.
- You idiot! Get off the track!
- What's going on over here?
Hey, fella, come back here!
I don't need these, of course,
but just for a moment there...
it looked as though
they were running backward.
- Come on back!
- They are.
Keep going! Keep going!
Come join the mollies dance, lad!
'Twill raise your reedy spirits.
I'm telling you to
get off this field...
right now!
If you ask me, he makes a better
pom-pom girl than he does a coach.
It's Chulay of Godolphin,
ready with thejavelin throw.
- Stop! Stop!
- Where do you think you're going, Coach?
270 feet, 4 inches
for Chulay of Godolphin.
The shot put event. Wilkins of
Broxton College, the first contestant.
What do you mean, you want to enter
a protest? Didn't you win
those last three events?
That's just the point.
It wasn't us, it was...
Look. Now, look. Look.
He's at it again.
Okay, I'm looking.
Wilkins, a little off form tonight.
That comes to 5 feet, 11 inches.
Now, did you see that?
Okay, he flubbed one.
What's the big problem?
And now, Gudger Larkin of Godolphin
is ready with his effort.
It's really not much of a...
It seems to be coming this way.
Impossible.
72 feet, 3 inches...
a new shot put record for Larkin.
Excuse me, but I have to see
some sweet old ladies about a bet.
Godolphin to win?
Have you gone out of your mind?
Not yet,
but the evening's still young.
Mr Seymour!
- Why don't you stop your babbling
and get out of here?
- Well, if you'd just listen
to what I have to say.
- We're under pressure too!
- The pole vault bar is set
at 17 feet, 5 inches.
First contestant,
Carson of Broxton College.
- I knew he'd go too far!
- Nail him!
Mr. Walker, one more disturbance,
you'll be ruled off the field entirely.
- Now, is that clear?
- Second contestant on the pole vault.
Neilson of Godolphin College...
sets a new record of 17 feet,
5 inches in the pole vault.
- Go, Godolphin, go!
- I never saw you get this excited
at a football game.
Yea, Godolphin!
May I tell you something, Mr Purvis?
Yea, Godolphin! Go!
I hate football.
Yea, Godolphin! I've always
hated football! Go, go, go!
Well, lad, what do you think
of your old matey now, eh?
They could hang me for what I think
of you know! Didn't I tell you...
to keep your hands off of my boys?
Oh, you do, do you?
Well, let me simply say you are
the lowest, most underhanded...
miserable excuse for what used
to be a human being
that's ever been my misfortune...
to be in any shape,
way or form connected with!
- I thought I was helping you.
- Helping? Well, that's a yuck for ya!
Didn't you say yourself that if
I helped them old ladies...
that that would contribute
towards me own salvation?
You haven't helped them.
You haven't helped anybody.
Haven't helped anybody?
I perceive now
how difficult it is...
to do a good deed
in this dirty world.
Just go away. Just go away.
Just get out of my life.
- No, no, no.
- You mean nothing but trouble.
You mean... I can see now...
why the very mention of your name
used to give everybody the creeps.
Well, I'm gonna find
a comfortable place.
I'm gonna rest there, somewhere.
- And I'm gonna stay
out of your affairs.
- Great, great.
That's the best news I've had in years.
Go disappear yourself.
I'm gonna disappear myself,
that's what I'm gonna do.
Mr Sanctimonious Scupperlout!
Sink me if I raise so much as
a finger to help you in the future.
I'd rather spend a winter
of eternities in limbo...
than knock knees a tick longer...
with a nit like you.
- There, I've said it.
- The final event of the evening,
the relay races, are about to begin.
I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
I had to do that. You see what
he's trying to do, don't you? Hmm?
Well, the rotten pirate wants
to make me as-as crooked as he is.
Well, I don't buy it.
I'm standing on my principles.
Why, sure, Coach. Where'd any
of us be without our principles?
You betcha.
You betcha.
Tiny Godolphin College,
perennial underdog for two decades...
has come back with the biggest bang
you've ever seen.
Coach Walker of Godolphin,
the man of the hour.
Throwing in an attack
of dazzling new techniques...
his inspired team
of star performers...
has slashed its way up
into a tie with Broxton.
Now victory hangs in the balance as we
come to the final event of the evening.
The question... What is going
to happen as Godolphin faces...
Broxton's mighty relay team?
Gentlemen, take your marks.
Set.
Come on, Broxton!
Run, you punk!
Go, Godolphin! Come on, team!
Come on, team! Yea!
At we come to the end of the
first lap in this crucial race...
the first three runners
are closely bunched.
Now they pass the baton for
the start of the second lap.
It's Broxton first,
Tidewater second, State third...
Yes, and there's the Godolphin man,
labouring along in the rear.
Easy now, Coach.
You're tensing up again.
Maybe I shouldn't have
yelled at him that way.
I mean, how's a poor, dumb pirate
supposed to know
what principles are, huh?
But I do. I've gotta shave
this face every morning.
- I know, Coach. I shave too.
- You bet you do.
You gotta look at yourself.
You've gotta live with yourself.
- I gotta go with my principles.
- Sure, Coach. You do that.
- I will, I will.
Well, folks, it's just about
all over but the shouting.
Middle of the second lap, Broxton is
already half a lap ahead of Godolphin.
Do we win something
for fourth place?
I'm afraid not.
You see those little
old ladies up there?
Well, I'm gonna let those
little old ladies get tossed
right out on their ear.
- How's that for a principle?
- Well...
Beginning the third lap,
Broxton is in first place...
followed in order by Tidewater,
State and Godolphin.
Who says you can't win 'em all?
Come on. Let's get out
of this folk festival.
Look at Silky and his boys.
All they wanna do is squeeze every
loose nickel out of this county.
Well, just because I have a chance
to cut their water off doesn't mean...
I have to get mixed up in it, does it?
Well, don't just sit there now,
you coldhearted creep!
Yes, you! Get up!
Do something!
Oh, don't give me that!
I know you can hear me!
What are you going to do about them?
Your own kith and kin! So, Bob,
you gonna let 'em get pushed around
because of my principles?
Don't you have any pride?
Come on! You started it.
Finish it.
Come on! Move it!
Someday I'm gonna strangle him.
Come on! Hurry!
- Pour it on!
- Hurry up!
Come on! Come on!
Let's go!
As we approach the last lap,
Dewey of Broxton is well in the lead.
He passes the baton to...
No, he didn't.
He still has it.
The Broxton anchor man
is running the last lap...
with a hot dog?
Tidewater makes their pass.
State makes their pass, and...
I believe, yes...
the State anchor man
seems to have a bottle of...
The Godolphin man, who was half a lap
behind, approaches the passing zone.
Come on, Godolphin!
- Come on!
- Ahoy, there!
A perfect change! Friends,
Gudger Larkin of Godolphin...
is the only one of the four anchor men
to have completed a clean pass.
Now he streaks past
the other contestants...
who are on their way back
to retrieve their batons!
We seem to have a slight hang-up
in the passing zone.
Dewey of State has got a hold of
Broxton's baton. Let's check that.
No, it's the hot dog.
Carver of Broxton...
a real head's-up performer,
has got a hold of two batons.
No! One is snatched away
by Wilson of Tidewater!
Come on, Broxton,
stop foolin' around!
Gudger Larkin has taken
advantage of the rhubarb...
and has forged almost a third
of a lap ahead of the field.
Catch 'em! Catch 'em!
- Come on!
- Gudger Larkin of Godolphin
is still in front...
but he's beginning to run out of gas
and the others are hot on his heels!
Stop him! Stop him!
Not that, you meathead!
Go, Godolphin, go!
Get up. Get up!
Get up, Gudger!
Get up!
A one-of-a-kind relay team.
Get away from me, you old bats!
We-We won! We won all 45,000
lovely smackeroos! We won!
Technically, maybe we won,
but actually...
- You did it, boy! You did it!
Brilliant work!
- Sir, I think when you hear
what I have to say...
Say? What is there to say?
The scoreboard says it all!
We thank you, we thank you,
we thank you, we thank you!
No rough stuff, old ladies.
You be nice to him.
- Miss Stowecroft?
- Oh, Professor, we're so happy.
Mr Ainsworth from the bank is coming
over, and you can give him the money.
And at the stroke of midnight,
we'd like Mr Walker to have the honour
of burning the mortgage.
- He's done so much for us.
- Well, where is Mr Walker,
who's done so much for us?
Well, I believe he's up in his room.
- Is anything wrong?
- Excuse me.
But why go now?
I mean, the lads have triumphed.
The wager's won.
Your wench is happy.
There's enough money set aside
for the old ladies.
I fail to divine
your reason for leaving.
- Well, don't strain your brain.
- Furthermore, when the mortgage...
is consigned to the flames tonight,
there is a very good chance...
the horrible curse may be
lifted off my good self...
in which case you may be able
to settle down to a serene...
albeit somewhat dull...
life without me.
Look, frizzface,
you think I can stay around here...
after what happened out there tonight?
What am I supposed to do
for an encore?
No, I'm bailing out.
I've got to go somewhere...
I can make a fresh start...
honestly, this time.
Very well.
It be no concern of mine.
I just think it may be a little early
for you to be striking your colours!
Stri... Come in!
Oh. Hi.
- Where are you going?
- I'm leaving.
After taking my money
and-and stirring everything up...
you're running off
and leaving us in a lurch?
- No, you don't!
- What are you squawking about?
You got it back, didn't you?
No, I didn't.
Silky welshed on the bet.
- He what?
- Well, he...
He just laughed and said
he wasn't gonna pay off.
He's throwing Miss Stowecroft and the
others out first thing in the morning.
Under normal conditions,
if I can remember such a time...
I have a sweet
and a loveable nature.
- Well, you-you know what I think?
- If I may proffer a suggestion...
Shut up!
Both of you!
- Both of who?
- I am sick and tired...
of people thinking and suggesting
and giving me a lot of cheap advice.
What I am gonna do,
I am gonna find that happy hoodlum...
and I am gonna wring that money
out of his crooked little neck!
- Steve-Steve, you can't,
not in your condition.
- What condition?
Well, anyone can see you're
hallucinating again.
Steve, you can't fight
Silky and his men.
She's right, son.
This be a job what takes innards.
Innards? Oh, well, you just sit here
and contemplate yours.
- I've got a job to do.
- Permission to come with you, sir?
Oh, no, buddy boy.
No more of your big ideas.
- I'm calling the shots this time.
- Proud to serve under you, sir.
You mean that?
My word, sir,
is the ultimate warranty.
All right, shipmate, let's go!
- Make ready the boarding party, Captain.
- Thank ye, Admiral.
Cutlass. You might need that.
Uh-huh. What?
Oh, it's on the bed.
Oh, Steve.
You really have flipped.
Beat, two quarters, drummer boy.
Come cheer up, my lads
'Tis to glory we steer
With heads bearing high
We will banish all fear
To honour we call
You are free men, not slaves
- Free men!
- For who are more free
than the sons of the waves
Hearts of oak are our ships
Jolly tars are our men
Eyes right!
We'll always be ready
- Steady, boys, steady
- Steady!
- We'll fight and we'll conquer
- We'll conquer!
Again and again
Together now!
- Hearts of oak are our ships
Jolly tars are our men
- Steve!
- We'll always be ready
Steady, boys, steady
- Steve, wait!
I'm not letting you
go to that place alone.
Hearts of oak are our ships
Jolly tars are our men
We'll always be ready
Steady, boys, steady
We'll fight and we'll conquer
again and again
Once more, lad.
Sing out. Don't mumble!
Come cheer up, my lads
'Tis to glory we steer
With heads bearing high
we will banish all fear
- Steve, wait!
- To honour we call
You are free men, not slaves
For who are so free
as the sons of the waves
Hearts of oak are our ships
Jolly tars are our men
We'll always be ready
Steady, boys, steady
We'll fight and we'll conquer
again and again
- Oh, you again?
- We'd like to see Mr Seymour.
Look, sister, I'm telling you
once and for all...
Mr Seymour don't wanna see...
Come on.
I'll be with you in a minute.
Now, what can I do for you?
We're here to collect the money
you owe Professor Baker.
The money I owe her?
You gotta be kidding.
Mr Seymour, you're gonna pay
every cent of that money, or I...
Or what, Mr Walker?
Or we might have to get tough.
Now, do I get some action,
or don't I?
Mr Walker, I have got
to admire your style.
I really do.
I'll tell you what.
You know, there's no use beating up
a guy who's the town hero tonight.
It's bad for my image.
You know what I mean?
Professor...
here's the $900
you put down on the bet.
- Go ahead, take it.
- Oh, no!
You know very well we need
the full amount you rightfully owe us.
Professor, let me level with you.
If I pay you back all that loot,
then you'll give it to the old ladies...
who'll pay back the bank, right?
And bingo, there goes
my childhood dream...
namely, running one of
those class gambling joints...
like they have out west.
I'm sorry, no dice.
But I'll tell you what.
We have a very nice roulette wheel here.
Why don't you forget this phony bet?
Take the $900. Go out there
and win some money honestly.
I'll guarantee you, sweetie,
you'll sleep a lot better tonight.
Mr Seymour,
come up with the full amount,
or I'm gonna take this place apart.
- Yeah?
- You have exactly 15 seconds... What?
I said, take the money, lad.
Let the wench try her luck.
Let her what?
Suppose she loses?
You sure it'll work?
- Okay. We'll take it.
- What? We most certainly
will not take it!
Mr Seymour has made
a very meritorious suggestion.
You know, Mr Walker,
I do not understand you.
One minute, you are a-a-a knight
in shining armour.
- And the next minute, you are a...
- Well, we all make mistakes,
right, Mr Seymour?
Mr Walker, it's a smart man
who knows when to crawfish.
Come along. I'll show you
to a nice, quiet room...
reserved for our more
valued-type customers.
- But I don't know how to gamble.
- This is a good place to learn.
Harry, these are friends of mine.
Take good care of them, will ya?
- Okay, Mr Seymour.
- Good luck, folks.
- Uh, $900 worth, please.
- Yes, sir.
Now, don't worry about a thing.
Just let me handle this.
I'll take the chips, please.
Yellows are a dollar...
the reds are five...
the blues are 25, the whites 100.
- Don't you have any 50-cent chips?
- Not in this room, lady.
- Make your bets, please.
- It's 28 minutes to midnight.
Now hurry up.
- Oh! Oh, 29 is a good number.
- No, no, no, no. Bet 'em all.
- We don't have time to fool around.
- Mr Walker, are you trying
to lose my $900 from me again?
No more bets, please.
The number is 31.
Oh, that's not my numb...
- Oh, how nice.
- Make your bets, please.
Ride, ride. Let it ride.
Let the whole thing ride.
- Oh.
- No, no.
You can't win that way.
Put it on one number.
Would you please
just let me do it my way?
No more bets, please.
Number 32. And we ha...
And we have $36 on number 32?
- I won! I won! I told you
I had a talent for this.
- Okay, okay.
- Pay me! Pay me!
- 35 times 36...
Evening, folks.
- What goes on here?
- You tell me.
We're doing fine. We're doing
just great. Now let's see.
- Let's put 'em all on...
- No, no. Don't tell me! Let me do it!
- No, let me try one!
- Steve, have you ever
played this game before?
- No, but I can tell ya...
Then leave my chips alone,
because I have a system.
- A system? What system?
- Woman's intuition. That's what.
- Will you put 'em all on one number.
- No! Steve!
- All right?
Don't you understand?
Time's running out.
Spin the wheel, please.
Watch the board. Whatever happens,
watch those chips on the board.
One more like that and we're home.
35 times 36...
Well, now we let it ride.
- Don't fool with it any more.
Go to the gaff.
- Gotcha.
- Would you spin the wheel, please?
- Yes, ma'am.
Everything rides on number 20.
Oh! Oh!
Oh, we did it! We did it!
- What?
- Number 15.
So very sorry, ma'am.
You know what I think?
I think this is a stupid game.
I don't understand.
Something must have gone wrong.
I'll say something went wrong.
We lost almost everything.
All right. Don't panic.
Relax, relax.
We've still got half of the chips
we won the first time.
Scurvy cheat.
Look, put 'em all down.
Put all the chips down.
If we put all the chips
we've got left onto one number...
and it comes up...
- Yeah. We're still in business.
- Make your bets, please.
- The only question is...
- The only question is,
what if it doesn't come up?
Don't worry.
Everything is go, all on 11.
- Steve, that's all we have!
- No more bets, please.
Everything goes on 11.
Relax.
We did it! We did it!
- We won! We won!
- Yeah, we did great.
Now, come on. We got enough.
Enough? Enough? What? Are you out of
your mind? We're on a winning streak!
Think of those dear old ladies!
Think of what we could buy them.
We could buy them warm coats
and cars and polo ponies.
Are you kidding? We gotta get out of
here. We barely have time to make it.
- Hey, pay up, will you?
- Wait. Let me place one-one more.
- Pay up. We're in a very big hurry.
- A small bet. $ 100? Maybe 20... 25?
- Hey, fella. Hey.
- A dollar. A dollar.
Pay up, yes.
- 36,000.
- 36,000.
- 37,000.
- 37,000.
- 38,000.
- 38,000.
- That's enough.
- We thank you, the Daughters of the
Buccaneers thank you, and good night.
- Enough?
- Let's go. - There's still more. Maybe
we should take it for good luck.
Not yet.
I just put down a new carpet.
- I hear you've done very well.
- Not bad.
May I see?
Please.
My, my.
That's very nice, indeed.
I'm very happy for you.
See? You made out all right.
You took Silky's advice, right?
Now, why don't you take Silky's advice
again and let me keep this for you?
- No, you don't. - You know,
this is an awful lot of bread...
for you to be carrying
around here, honey.
This is a very
dangerous neighbourhood.
Okay, Professor, give me the bag.
I've been very patient with
both of you and very civilized.
Okay, boys.
Go on over there, Jo Anne.
Go on.
Make with the muscle.
All right, boys, make your play.
Missed me.
What's the matter with you?
Get up and get him!
And now for Mr Seymour.
- Steve!
- Get his guns!
Get-Get the gun!
- Steve!
- Shoot him! Shoot him!
- I shot him.
- Don't point that thing over here!
- All ashore what's going ashore!
- Come on!
Steve!
Oh, quite nice, lad, yes.
- There's a boat down here. Come on.
- Proceed, lad. I'll just tidy up bit.
Have fun.
Help! Help!
Come on. Stop fooling around!
Get him any way you can!
Got any idea who we're fighting?
It ain't "who' I'm worried about,
it's "what".
Are we winning, Mr Seymour?
- Who-Who's that?
- It's me, stupid.
- It's around here someplace. - Yeah, well
if you think that thing scares me...
Stop 'em! Stop...
Can't you give us
just a little more time?
I'm very sorry, ladies, but I'm
always precise in these matters.
According to the terms
of this document...
unless you produce the required payment
at midnight of this date...
which is just
11 seconds from now...
Eight, seven...
six...
Thank you, Mr Ainsworth.
It's a pleasure to do business with you.
Mr Walker, this is the moment
that most of us...
have been waiting for
all our lives.
Will you burn the mortgage?
Miss Stowecroft, thank you very much,
but that honour's not for me. L...
Knock their heads together
Here comes the fella
you really should thank.
A green-eyed maiden too
And a green-eyed maiden too
Knock them in the head
and drop them in the river
With a green-eyed maiden and a...
Oh, no, she said
Oh, yes, I said
Oh, no, you don't again
She said
Hello, old buddy.
I'm glad to see you.
Ladies, all of you repeat after me,
please. You too.
Allow me to present
your real benefactor.
Captain Blackbeard!
My respects, ma'am.
Good ladies, your welcome
has touched me deeply.
Loathe as I am
to play the gallant...
I am bound to say...
that I've never beheld
a concourse of fair creatures...
which has stirred me more.
Oh, yes. Thank ye for your esteem.
Thank ye.
And yet you cannot know what it has been
like for a person of my disposition...
to have been still of tongue,
to have had no one to talk to...
for 200 accursed and dusty years.
Yet now, my voice
is heard once again.
Oh, I do thank you.
Yet stay.
It is not my wish...
as a person...
as generous as my good self...
to seek to take the lion's share
of the glory.
No, no.
Oh, no.
This young...
rooster, my good friend...
he played a modest part...
in your delivery from disaster.
- Well, I'd only...
- Not now, son.
Our heart is too full to hear more.
Now, if I might have
that vile document.
Aldetha...
the time is here.
I go now...
to a distant...
and I hope, hospitable shore.
I beg of you...
take notice of this.
I, Edward Teach, captain...
affectionately known...
as Blackbeard...
was not all bad.
Look after this boy.
He needs help.
Fare thee well, lad.
- Good-bye, Captain.
- We will not meet again.
Beware all wenches.
For he's a jolly good fellow
He's a jolly good fellow
And so say all of us
Share this one amongst you,
me beauties.
You know something? I think
I'm gonna miss the old scoundrel.
You know something?
I loved you even when
I thought you were nuts.
Look!
- Captain, proud to see you again, sir.
- Where have you been?
You're a sight for sore eyes, you are,
sir. Where are we off to now?
Now, you lazy swabs,
stir yourselves!
Lift anchor.
Shake out the main.
Lively now,
or I'll carve your gizzard...
and fry it for me supper!