1
Meet a real Fab family,
the Carrolls of Charleston, South Carolina.
I'm a fanatic about clean clothes.
That's why I'm glad for Fab.
Dummies. Borax won't work
unless you put active enzymes in.
You geek! How do you know all that?
- I'm not a geek.
- Yes, you are.
- Am not.
- Are too.
I'll show you geeky!
Hurry up, it's coming on!
Batman!
Batman!
Stupid old TV.
Holy bad reception, Batman. I'll fix it.
Hurry up or we'll miss it!
Hurry!
Where worms always go...
...down into the earth.
- ls it working?
- No, not yet.
That's it! Don't move.
Your glasses!
Remember, never hit a man with glasses.
- Even better. Perfect!
- Yes!
Yeah, keep flushing.
Back to back!
Who's playing with the toilet?
Kevin, is that you?
Boy! I'm going to peel the skin off
of your behind, boil it and make soup!
To the Batpoles!
What did I say?
Stay out of my kitchen!
Stop that, or I'm calling the police!
Shut up, you crusty old bitch!
That must be your mama
you're thinking about.
Thanks for the help, lady.
- Help me. I'm hurt.
- Get off the car, you bum!
Kevin, is that your grandma...
- Good morning, Grandma.
- Don't good morning me.
You could've at least fed that little
heifer. Making all that noise last night.
Good thing you're so quick,
otherwise I'd never have gotten no sleep.
They were beating up a man in the alley
this morning. Cops did nothing.
Do you blame 'em?
They haven't been paid in two weeks.
That'll change when Assemblyman Harris
is elected mayor. You watch.
Grandma, one man cannot save the world.
I don't live in the world.
I live in this neighborhood...
...and Harris is the only candidate
to ever set foot in it.
- What do you want for breakfast?
- I'll just have some coffee. I got to run.
All you do is run. Now, come on, sit down.
Let your grandmother fix you
a nice hot meal.
We're not kids anymore, Grandma.
We're grown, remember?
- Good morning, Grandma.
- 'Morning, Poopski.
- 'Morning, Kevin.
- Darryl, man, come on.
You didn't sleep well last night, did you?
I heard you talking to yourself.
I was working on my latest creation.
A sound-activated,
aerodynamic insect predator.
- A what?
- A flying flycatcher.
You are a genius! Just like your mama.
May angels bless her soul.
One of these days he'll blow us up
with one of those damn inventions.
Shouldn't you be at work already?
- Wait, Kevin, I got something for you.
- I got to go.
It's okay! J-5 will bring it.
Make the turn, make the turn.
Watch out for Grandma.
There you go. Watch the wall.
- I've got to oil his ball bearings.
- You need to throw that in the trash.
- Here you go.
- What is that?
A two-way transceiver radio belt.
Put this in your ear...
...and talk into the buckle.
It also has a radio tracking device.
You need to get that out of my face.
I'm not wearing that crap.
- Please, Kevin?
- No!
Kevin. Come here.
- He's retarded!
- Come here!
He should invent some hair
for that bald head of his.
Now!
Give me the belt. I'll wear it.
No, you don't have to wear
my stupid old belt if you don't want to.
Darryl, please. May I wear your belt?
Are you sure
that you really, really want to?
Yeah, I'm really, really sure
I'd like to wear your belt.
'Cause you really, really don't have to...
...if you really, really don't want to.
And I'd be really, really upset if...
Give me the damn belt!
This is great, Kevin.
Now we can talk together all day long.
I'll be home late. I got a karate class.
I'll radio you in about an hour.
Then every hour on the hour after that
just to work all the bugs out.
If I'm not there, leave a message.
Oh, you'll be there.
I'll track you down.
Wait, wait, wait! Thank you.
Great day, isn't it?
Why don't we see?
"GM lays off 500 more employees.
"A post-office worker
wipes out an entire zip code.
"And the police are threatening
to walk out on a strike."
I just meant the sun was gonna shine.
I hadn't gotten to the lame
come-on section yet.
So, I guess we'll probably
talk later, right?
She's shy.
Who let you out
of the Hard Edition dungeon?
This is the newsroom.
You know she's out of your league.
Stevens, they're all out of your league.
I heard you won a toaster
at the sperm bank. Got to go. Got to run.
Down, brother. Down into the basement.
'Bye, basement boy.
Yeah! Blood on the hands,
blood on the hands!
Lift him out of the trunk.
Hear that bone break?
That's journalism, my friend!
That's journalism!
Walker! I watched your piece
on the Mayor last night.
Boring!
Have you lost your goddamn mind?
It's got no angle, no edge. Listen...
...if you can't get anything real,
go to the board.
The Vice President...
...and an alien...
...have S & M sex!
Now that's a great story.
My sources connect Mayor Gates
to Michael Minelli and organized crime.
"My sources link Gates to Minelli."
Who will you interview? Gates?
He won't talk to us since we made up
that shit about him on the sheep farm.
Nope. Minelli.
Right. You get an interview
with Michael Minelli...
...l'll promote your ass so high
you'll be shitting off the moon.
In the meantime,
I forbid you to watch any more 60 Minutes.
Remember, I want edge.
It's not Hard Edition, it's...
- Hard Edge-dition, right.
- That's my boy.
Boy? Shit, I'm a man.
- What?
- Nothing.
This is great.
This is going to be perfect.
Darryl.
This was a toaster
when Mrs. Reem brought it in.
What is it now?
It's better than a toaster, Mr. Crudd.
It's a toaster plus.
Wasted heat from the toast...
...rises up to the pan cooking the egg,
which in turn heats the coffee.
Once the coffee starts to percolate,
the eggs flip out onto the toast.
Just make it a toaster again.
Okay?
What is that?
A sound-activated,
aerodynamic insect predator.
I don't like the looks of that.
Don't be afraid of it. It's like a dog.
If you run from it, it'll chase you.
I want that out of here.
You need to be fixing things.
Now look at that mess!
- What are you doing with that thing?
- Down, boy.
What happened? ls that all right there?
Apparently, the fly left the room.
It's activated by the buzz.
You are in big trouble.
- Now, you just clean up this mess.
- Yes, Mr. Crudd.
What's the plus and minus on it?
Good. That's great news, Betty.
Give it to Mark.
Listen up, everybody!
We just got our latest poll results
and we're five points up!
Thanks to you!
I want to promise you
that when we're elected...
...nothing is going to stand in the way
of the things...
...we promised to do in this campaign.
That's a guarantee.
Harris! Harris!
What are you doing here?
The garbage goes in the back.
- Give me that.
- Eleanor. Get your hands off of her!
I want to wish Mr. Harris luck. I
understand you're doing well in the polls.
Maybe we can talk somewhere private?
Anything you say to me, you can say
in front of them. We have no secrets.
All right then.
I understand you're going to need
campaign contributions...
...and I would like to contribute.
A cool $1 million.
Save your money, Mr. Minelli.
You can't buy me.
How about I rent you for a couple of years?
You can't even window-shop.
If you'll excuse me,
I got a press conference...
Wait a minute. I want to talk to you.
Hey, Harris! Don't walk away!
Nice office you got here.
Don't work too hard!
Especially you, lady. Life is short.
So must be that thing in your pants.
Caught me stealing coffee!
I hear the coffee downstairs
is even greasier than the reporting.
So now you know I work at Hard Edition.
I hear you're a good cameraman.
You've been asking about me?
Here, let me give you my card.
You don't need to sneak around.
The digits are right here.
The first one's the office...
...the other one's the important one,
that's the phone by the bed.
I bet that one doesn't ring much.
I'll think about it.
Kevin, it's me! Come in. Over.
- What?
- Kevin, are you there? Over.
- Darryl, not now, please!
- I can't hear you. Talk into the buckle.
- I said, "Not now." I'm busy.
- Closer. I can't hear you.
- Not now.
- Closer. Over.
- Not now, I'm busy.
- Closer. Roger.
This is as close as I can talk.
I would love to play with you,
but now is not the time. I got work to do.
When I've finished my work,
we'll go in the bathroom.
I'll play with you then.
Make sure everything's working.
We can check you out.
I thought about it.
And I just changed my mind.
I wasn't talking to my jammy!
Oh, damn.
$5 from the Johnsons.
They don't have two nickels
to rub together, and they still pitched in.
People know a good cause
when they see one.
Nobody moves! Give me all your money!
Now! That's it!
- That, too! Hand it over!
- They're checks.
Hand it over!
You ought to think about showering
if you want to remain anonymous.
Good evening.
Michael Minelli sends his regards.
Stop it! What are you doing?
Darryl, talk.
You haven't said a word all night.
What are you doing? Stop this!
Help me, somebody!
Come here!
He's got a knife!
Oh, God, I'm going to die!
Thank you, young man.
The rest of you ain't shit!
Gee whiz, Kevin. Look what's happening
to our neighborhood.
They're gambling right out in the open.
They're just throwing bones.
Look at that car.
They have no respect for the law anymore.
They're selling drugs
right across the street from our house!
Darryl, it's a crack house.
That's what they do, sell crack.
They shouldn't be doing that.
They're apes.
That's a crack house.
Come here! Darryl!
You can't walk in no crack house!
Those people are animals.
- They'd sell their own babies for a hit.
- That's why someone should close it down!
I got news for you, Urkel.
You don't need a permit
to open up a crack house.
You close that one,
another one'll open up next to it.
You can't walk around like some vigilante.
- Why not? Batman did it.
- Batman?
That was fantasy. He had everything.
You live in reality. You got nothing.
You're no Batman.
Maybe I ought to be.
Bring your goofy ass on!
It's politics as usual
in the Mayor's Office.
Newly elected Mayor Marvin Harris has
reappointed to the building commission...
...several reputed associates
of crime lord Michael Minelli.
So much for campaign promises.
In other news: With no end to
the budget crisis in sight...
...unpaid police continue a citywide work
slowdown. Which raises the question:
As crime escalates,
who will keep our streets safe?
I'm Kimberly Jonz
and I'm saying good night.
- Darryl!
- What?
What's going on?
What are you doing in there?
I'm busy.
Come on.
Stop all that noise. Let's go back to bed.
Wait! Don't go yet!
I want to show you something!
Kevin, are you ready?
You better be because here I come!
Look, I'm a crime fighter!
What do you think?
If you walk out on the street like that...
...they're going to arrest you
and lock you in the nuthouse.
No, Kevin, this is real.
The costume is bulletproof.
Besides, look at all these great gadgets.
See, these are handcuffs.
And I got stink bombs,
made from concentrated flatulence.
I collected it while you were sleeping.
Kevin, look at these.
Electric nunchakus.
Sorry.
This is a nightmare.
No, Kevin Walker. The best is yet to come.
I made you an outfit, too.
J-5, retrieve crime fighting outfit.
That's it. Get out now, Darryl!
Remember you said Batman had a costume
with gadgets? Well?
No, I said Batman had money.
Which is why I got to go back to bed
to wake up to make some for me and you.
Kevin, don't you want to make the world
a safer place?
I've been up all night.
Ever since my grandmother died,
he's just getting worse and worse.
I got bills to pay.
I can't even afford to pay for the funeral.
How's that lesbian
necrophiliac story coming?
Thanks for the love.
Hello, Betty!
Hello.
- What are you doing down here?
- I came to see if you were busy tonight.
I'm not busy tonight. What do you want
to do? You want to go out to eat?
That's not exactly what I had in mind.
I got a guy who's gonna snitch
on Michael Minelli...
...and my best cameraman's sick,
so I'm desperate.
So you come to me?
It's not exactly sheep whipping
or public spankings, but it's a job.
If things go well, it could be full-time.
You said you want to do real news.
Here's your chance.
- You in or out?
- I'm in.
I'm not in exactly where I want to be,
but I'm in.
Darryl, I got great news!
I got a real news assignment!
Darryl!
Darryl, I got a real job.
My God.
Car 6239, report to 425 West 10th Street.
Disturbance in alley of building.
Hey! Wait for me!
- Take me to 10th Street. On the double.
- It's not my route. I go to the Southside.
You don't understand!
There are innocent lives at stake.
I need your assistance.
I'm a crime fighter!
Sure you are. Listen,
pal, look in the back.
You're a freak, just like them.
Why don't you get in the back or get out?
Driver, take me to 10th Street now!
Get out of here!
I want my money, girl!
I don't have it, Biff, I swear.
Listen!
You better come up with it or I'll have
to slap you around. Understand?
I wouldn't do that if I were you.
What the hell is this?
ls the circus in town?
Get out of here before I hurt you.
Let the lady go.
- You want to take her place?
- No.
But I will if I have to.
I'll beat you like you're
one of my bitches.
Then slap me around and call me Susan.
I warned you, Susan.
Someone should help that lady.
You give up or you want me
to get rough with you?
Listen, you little creep...
...you got three seconds
to get the hell out of here!
- One...
- Two, three.
Go ahead and shoot me.
Look what you made me do!
I had to kill a guy in this goddamn alley!
Give me my money!
Want to try it again?
What the hell are you?
Try shooting him in the head.
Yeah, shoot him in the head.
That's right.
I'll shoot him in the head.
Let's get out of here. Come on.
Don't call me by my real name.
You're blowing my secret identity.
Nobody knows who you are.
Let's go, Loonyman!
I don't believe you.
I almost had him.
Did you like my Bruce Lee stuff?
That's what I was going to do.
I was gonna karate chop...
Just come on.
Hey, Chuck...
...you got to hear this.
Tell him who you've come to see.
I want to speak to the Commissioner.
Tell him why. Tell him why.
I'm a crime fighter.
I had a run-in with some punks last night.
I'm trying to get police cooperation
as I take these street punks down.
I don't see what's so funny.
What about your name?
Tell him your name.
Okay. I don't have one yet.
But I'm leaning toward Brotherman.
ls there someone behind me?
What's the joke?
I got a name for you.
How about Shithead Man?
I want to see the Commissioner.
I'll go get him.
Oh, Commissioner?
Shithead Man's here to see you!
- He's busy.
- This is not a joke.
I'm not leaving here, darn it,
until I see the Commissioner!
The judge said he can go
as long as you take him to a shrink.
Thanks a lot, Officer.
'Bye, guys. And remember what I said:
A life of crime is a waste of what?
- Eat me.
- Take a hike!
I really think I reached a couple of them.
Darryl, what is this?
An aerial view of the Fiji Islands.
And this?
A decorative Incan burial mask.
And these?
That's a tough one.
I'll pass.
You sure you want to pass?
The South American "Twitsue" butterfly.
I got to tell you, Kevin:
Not only is your brother normal,
he's actually rather brilliant.
The only problem I see is he's a geek.
No, no, no. He's got problems.
He thinks he's a superhero.
Tell him how you're a superhero.
I'm not a superhero, silly-billy.
Are you going to chump me?
Tell him how you fight crime.
I'm an ordinary citizen.
The police fight crimes.
What's gotten into you lately?
He is a superhero.
Last night, when we were fighting crime,
he got shot. Bullets bounced right off him!
See, he invented a jacket
that bullets bounce right off.
I can't get any sleep lately because of
him. There's this female at my workplace.
She thinks I'm not right,
'cause she caught me talking to my nuts.
You were talking to your testicles?
No! I was talking to Darryl
through my belt buckle.
You were talking to Darryl's testicles?
No.
Tell me about your mother.
You say one more thing about my mother,
I'll kick you in the side of your head!
There's a lot of anger here.
ls there this much anger around the house?
It's like living with
a swollen Gary Coleman.
Why did you do that?
Now that doctor thinks I'm crazy.
Why didn't you tell him
about the superhero thing?
And give away my secret identity?
So you're not going to give this up.
This is my calling!
I have to make the world a safer place
for my children.
Your children?
You got to be with a woman first!
You got to knock some boots, man!
You're a virgin!
No, I'm a gentleman.
This is obviously something...
...you've got to do
to work through Grandma's death.
If that's what you've got to do, fine.
But we'll do this together.
But we will do it my way.
Okay, Karateman!
- What?
- That's your crime fighter name.
No, no. Don't call me that.
You call this fighting crime,
housing patrol?
Can't we at least wear the costumes?
Hell, no.
I'm not putting on them stupid costumes.
Help me! You got to help me!
- ls someone following you?
- No, no!
A lady in my building needs help!
- Holy needy neighbor!
- ls she getting kidnapped?
- No!
- Her house is on fire?
No! She's stuck in the elevator.
Right. We got a situation.
- You are going to help her, right?
- Yeah.
- What building is she in?
- Follow me.
- Where are you going?
- I got to get something. I'll be back.
Help! ls anyone there?
We'll try and get you out as soon
as we can, but you got to be patient, okay?
Step back!
What's that?
It's called the "Speculum of Life."
Okay. Step back. There's fire in the hole.
I'm going in.
Come on!
Grab on. I'll lower us down.
Sure, do it your own way.
She's pregnant. We'll need an ambulance.
- I'll radio for help.
- I'm in labor!
- I'm going to have this baby right now.
- Mayday!
We've got a pregnant situation
at 13 Fillmore Street.
I need assistance now, please.
Hang on, I'm coming down. Just hang on!
I'm almost there now.
Just hang on!
I'm almost there, I'm coming!
Keep breathing.
Okay, help is on its way.
What we gonna do?
We're going to have to deliver this baby.
We can't do that.
We'll have to see her thing!
Just get down there and catch this baby.
- It's so ugly.
- Just do it!
Push.
Take my hand.
- You have a big finger.
- Thank you.
Whatever you're doing, it's working.
I'm starting to see something.
I see a head. It's coming.
It's coming!
It's a boy!
It's a boy!
I'm a father.
Can you let go of my finger now?
- Where's the baby?
- He's bringing him up.
He delivered him. He saved me.
- How wonderful!
- Great photo.
You're a hero.
You were wonderful.
Who are you?
What?
He's gone blank, ma'am.
Blankman.
Well, you're a true hero, Blankman.
Blankman.
Help, Blankman!
Help! Fe-fe's stuck under the house!
Don't worry. I'll save your little puppy.
Please save him. Please, please!
Hi, Fe-fe.
Come on, give me the money!
Come on! Hurry up!
Our closing story is a hopeful one,
for a change.
It's about a caped crusader
who calls himself Blankman.
Numerous reports have come from police
and citizens about his heroic exploits.
In a city where joblessness
and lawlessness run rampant...
...it's hard to believe that goodness
is coming back in style.
Well, if it is,
this reporter just wants to say thanks.
Keep doing what you're doing.
Apparently one man can make a difference.
Minelli wants to see you.
Good. I want to see him, too.
How you doing, Mr. Mayor?
Listen, the DA is investigating
that Civic Center thing.
I want to shut that thing down.
Don't worry about no witnesses.
We'll take care of that.
Not only will the investigation continue,
but...
...l'm going to recommend to the DA
that he issue a warrant for your arrest...
...for bribery and extortion.
You're kidding me, right? Are you bluffing?
You're negotiating.
You're not kidding me, you're not bluffing,
you're not negotiating.
You're asking for trouble?
Yeah.
I'm asking for trouble.
You're going to get it.
What's all this stuff?
Neat, isn't it? People keep sending
this stuff to Blankman as a gift.
They even sent money.
Really? How much?
One guy sent $5,000.
Great! Where is it?
I gave it back.
I told him,
"Send me all your appliances instead."
I mean, who needs money
when you got neat stuff like this?
Now what is this?
The lower half of a roller blade.
The lower half of a
Rollerblade, the bottom.
Have you lost your mind?
I guess we know you've lost your damn...
Get this shit out of here, man!
Get all of it out!
All of it, Darryl! Get this stuff out!
Give me that!
What did I just throw out there?
Your radio.
Come here, Darryl!
Open up.
Open this door!
"There's a magic in your heart
"lf you open it you'll see
"A shining little face
"that smiles for you and me"
Wait up, J-5!
We got to find us a fortress of solitude.
What do you think, J-5? The Blankstore?
Nah. You're right.
Smells like urine.
What do you think?
The Blankstop?
Nah? You're right.
It would be too cold in the winter.
An abandoned old subway station.
This is perfect!
Wait up, J-5.
This could be the center
of our citadel of crime fighting!
The Blankstation.
Yeah.
I think we should do a follow-up
on the Minelli scandal.
He's gone underground.
The FBI's frozen all of his accounts.
No. Listen.
I know everybody's been trying to get
an interview with Minelli for years.
But I think what this city needs
is a more uplifting story.
I want to do an interview with Blankman.
Blankman?
He's great for this city. He appears
out of nowhere, he does a good deed...
...and then just disappears. He doesn't do
interviews, seek publicity, he doesn't...
Take money. Yeah, I know.
Now...
...the question is:
ls he really Mr. Wonderful or what?
How do we find him?
How do we track him down?
Who knows him?
Most important,
how do we get him to talk?
I can get you a one-on-one with Blankman.
You can? How?
I just have to employ...
...certain top-secret journalistic
techniques at my disposal.
Please, please, Darryl, do this interview!
Nope. Can't do it. Sorry.
Blankman avoids the press.
He doesn't do this for recognition.
Then do it for me.
I'm trying to make an impression.
Kevin, me, I'd do anything for you.
It's Blankman. He's got a code.
Don't give me that double-identity stuff!
Either you're going to do this interview...
...or Blankman and Darryl will be living
at the damn train station.
I'm sorry. Just think about it.
Little buddy?
Okay, I'll do it.
Tell her to meet me
at the 14th Street station at 6:00.
You got it!
- Alone.
- Okay.
Tell her to wear a carnation.
Why a carnation?
You wouldn't understand.
Yes!
Quick, jump on. It's rush hour.
There's a train right behind me.
Hurry up, don't be afraid!
And don't touch the third rail
or you're dead.
Come on!
Looks like the 13
is coming out of the station.
Better switch tracks. Hold on!
What is this thing?
It's the Blankwheel.
- Where are we going?
- What?
I said, "Where are we going?"
I can't hear. Let me turn the engine off.
What did you say?
I said, "Where are we going?"
To the Blankstation.
This is great!
I said, "This is great!"
I can't hear you. Wait!
Let me turn the engine off.
- What'd you say?
- I said, "This is great!"
What?
Never mind.
- I can't hear you.
- Never mind!
That was a great ride.
I was starting to get a little dizzy.
Sorry, but I had to make sure...
...that you didn't remember
the secret location of the Blankstation.
Oh, my gosh!
Look at this.
The white zone is for the loading
and unloading of passengers only.
No parking.
Don't be afraid. It's just J-5.
Hello, Kimberly.
- It talks.
- That's all he can say right now.
He's programmed to do so much,
I wouldn't want to overload him.
Would you like something to drink?
Yeah. Sure.
- You lost a shoe.
- Oh, yeah. Thanks.
- Look at all this stuff.
- What do you think, J-5?
What do you call this stuff?
Junk.
Yeah. But it's great junk.
It's almost like you live
in a different world.
A better world.
Are you happy?
How can I be happy when there's still
so much work to be done?
What do you think makes you so special?
I'm not special at all.
I'm just like everyone else.
I want to feel safe at night.
That's what Blankman stands for.
Every man who sees something wrong,
and decides to do something about it.
Hold on.
Do you have any family?
I had a grandma. She meant a lot to me.
Somebody killed her.
This has been an amazing night.
I'm sorry for taking up
so much of your time.
I'm just curious,
what was the carnation for?
A beautiful woman
should always wear a carnation.
Thank you, Blankman.
Or whoever you are.
J-5, what's happening to me?
Everybody's hip to Blankman, right?
Y'all hip to Blankman?
When I first heard on the news
there was a black guy...
...in a cape, riding in a police car,
I said to myself, "Damn...
"...l hope James Brown
isn't in trouble again."
Not only has he inspired an entire city
to stand up for itself...
...but take a look at this.
Blankmania's sweeping the nation.
This has caused other super-people...
...to come out of the woodwork.
Midget Man, what inspired you
to become a superhero?
I think Blankman was
an important influence to all of us...
...but it's a big world
and we all have to do our part.
Let's say you're in a situation.
You're being accosted.
Tell us how you deal with it.
First thing...
Easy with that chair. You don't want to...
Gay Man, you work primarily
out of the San Francisco area.
I wanted to be in the Army,
but they discriminate.
And since I'm cruising
on the streets anyway...
...l just thought
I would get out there and...
- What's the matter with you?
- I'm in love.
With who? What? With your robot?
You knocked J-5 up?
I'm in love with Kimberly Jonz.
Who isn't in love with her? Get over it.
Tonight I got the feeling
I was lying on a bed of feathers...
...and there was two Q-Tips in both ears
and they were moving real fast.
You know that feeling you get
when someone you like kisses you?
She kissed you?
Yeah. No.
She kissed Blankman.
And that's the dilemma.
If she should find out that I'm Blankman...
...it could destroy her.
This was probably like a buddy-buddy kiss,
you know what I mean?
Yeah. You're probably right.
I didn't like that tongue
probing my mouth anyway.
Tongue?
Somebody got some roses.
You read the card?
No. Someone must've dropped them off.
"From your would-be producer
who always produces." Me.
Thanks. They're nice.
So, what happened with you
and Blankman last night?
He's kind of wack, right? Tell me.
He is...
...the most wonderful man
I've ever met in my entire life.
Blankman?
Oh, yes!
- You didn't...
- What's this?
Chocolates, which I also brought you.
No, underneath that.
How romantic.
A shoe? A funky old shoe.
We're back from commercials.
Excuse me.
And in five, four, three, two...
Well, Blankman does it again.
Saying he was inspired by his hero...
...Mayor Harris
has come up with a plan to stop...
...the pending police
and city workers' strike.
I've worked out a deal
to honor the city's IOUs.
On Friday, any worker can redeem them
at the First City Bank.
Special armored cars
will bring in all the necessary cash.
And I ask Blankman...
...whoever and wherever you are,
to be on hand to receive a special award.
We are going to start
standing up for ourselves.
This city is going into the Blankman era.
Thank you, Mayor Harris. Thank you,
kind citizens of this great city.
I'd like to take this
opportunity to thank...
...someone very special in my life.
Someone who supports me
and believes in what I do.
Someone who...
...whether they know it or not,
has joined me...
...in my quest to fight crime.
This person is a truly wonderful
and unique person.
I'd like to say thank you...
...Kimberly Jonz.
Blankman!
You all want your money?
Let's open the bank!
'Morning, folks.
I got you some happy customers out there.
Don't even think about it!
Put your weapons down, now!
- Put them down! Now get out!
- This is crazy!
- Everybody, get out!
- Stop this!
Don't hurt anybody!
Hello, folks! Say hello to the bad guys!
Calm down.
Everybody, get out!
Move! Let's go!
Are you nuts? There are
100 pissed-off cops outside...
...and they haven't been paid in weeks.
You'll never get through the doors.
Hello, Mr. Mayor!
Anyone can rob a bank...
...but it takes a real
man to do it in satin.
Blankman, I'm Police Commissioner Gains.
How do you want to handle this?
- Maybe I could reason with them?
- Great. We'll be right here.
I am not going to let you...
Stay out of it! Blankman will handle it.
"They're gonna kill me
They're gonna smash me like a little bug"
I'm a dead man.
Yes, I'm a dead man.
Hello?
Mr. Burglars?
You think maybe we could talk about
this hostage thing like gentlemen?
Okay.
I tried.
You came to make a deposit, Blankman?
Everybody,
get back before I blow you away!
Hello, Blankman.
What brings you here?
Were they giving away calendars today?
Michael "The Suit" Minelli.
You'll never get away with this,
you diabolical fiend!
"Fiend"?
He's getting those things out
of the funny papers or something.
What did you do with the Mayor?
Blankman, I have some good news
about the Mayor.
They had a recent opinion poll
and the results just came in.
He's going sky-high!
Chain him up with the Mayor!
Everyone, please stay calm.
Blankman has the situation under control.
I repeat, Blankman has the situation...
...under control.
This bomb will probably take
about ten minutes to be defused.
So, I think I'm going to set it for...
...three minutes.
Now, how can I say it?
Don't go to pieces.
Hardy-har-har.
Okay, boys. We got three minutes.
Less!
Let's go!
Must get to Blankbelt.
Must spray floor with...
...super-slick Blankgoop.
There.
Stink bomb. And get...
...stink bomb to them.
Hold your breath, Mayor.
This may get funky.
- That's foul.
- What is that smell?
Let me out of here!
See if you can close the vault.
Tony, the vault!
- Everybody, get out.
- It's locked!
Get out! Everybody, let's go!
Hurry up, morons!
Good thinking. At least those scumbags
won't get the city's money.
One thing they didn't count on,
was my ability...
...to get myself out of...
...tight situations.
Excuse me.
Stop that guy! Stop him!
Hello?
- Go away. It's not safe.
- Will you get him out of here?
Oh, my God.
- What happened here?
- Blankman, would you go?
- Does this mean what I think it means?
- Will you get him out of here?
- Do you know what you're doing?
- Yeah.
All I have to do
is separate this wire, and...
- No, I don't know what I'm doing.
- Move out of the way.
You know what?
This white man is dead.
You can't save him. Let's go.
- Please, go.
- Let me think.
Let me think. A positive, B positive...
A. Think positive.
I did it!
You did it!
- I still hear ticking.
- You hear what?
Why do I still hear ticking?
This bag is full of explosives.
You did what you could.
Go.
Go!
I think he's got a point.
Let's just get out.
Wait!
Eleanor Walker was my grandmother.
She really believed in you.
She was a good woman.
I'll give her your love.
The clock, gentlemen.
The clock!
Get back!
That was the bravest thing
I've ever seen anyone do in my life.
We almost got killed with a boom.
Mayor Harris is dead.
You did what you could.
No one else would have gone in there.
Excuse me! Hello!
Can I at least get a handshake?
What about my money?
- I haven't been paid!
- What about our checks!
I want my money!
We want the check cashed!
I've got hungry kids at home!
- Where's our money?
- Blankman was in control here.
He's a coward. He ran away!
I told him not to go in there!
He killed the Mayor! Get him!
Blankman,
you're responsible and you know it!
- I think you better get out of here.
- I think you're right.
Police Commissioner Gains put the blame
squarely on Blankman's shoulders...
...referring to the fleeing ex-role model as a
"quivering, spineless, world-class coward."
Our mistake was in trusting
this supposed hero...
...who runs around in his grandma's
underwear with a smelly sock on his face.
We never believed that he'd kill
Mayor Harris and selfishly save himself.
We're your police department, folks.
We're here to protect and serve...
...not a guy who robs Laundromats
to have a good time.
I'm not going to do it anymore, J-5. Sorry.
Hello, Kimberly.
Don't you make it harder
than it already is!
The procession worked its way through the
downtown area as the city said farewell.
Finally winding down in the neighborhood
where Mayor Harris spent his childhood...
...among the people
he referred to as "family."
Darryl.
You got to get over this.
You've been sitting here
watching this stuff for three days.
That wasn't your fault.
All I wanted to do was help.
You don't have to be a hero, Darryl.
Why don't you try being
like everyone else?
How am I going to do that?
You can start by getting a job.
Hello! Welcome to McDonald's.
May I take your order, please?
Just a burger, man.
- Would you like fries with that?
- No.
They're cooked to crispy,
golden perfection.
- Yeah, man. I'm sure.
- Perhaps a soda?
We're doing salads now.
People don't expect that from McDonald's.
Chunky chicken salad.
Just give me my damn burger, all right?
For here or to go?
He's just a little "McMad" right now.
Hey, my purse! Give me my purse!
Stop him! Stop him!
Weak, goofy bastard!
So, this is Hard Edition?
Michael Minelli.
Larry Stone. Pleased to meet you.
- How'd you track me down, Stone?
- This is tabloid TV, we can do anything.
What is it you want from me?
Rumor has it
you're looking for the Blankman.
Everyone knows the Blankman
has disappeared. Nobody's seen him.
Not for weeks.
I can give you the Blankman.
What's in it for you?
Ratings, Mr. Minelli.
Ratings give me a woody.
But to get ratings, you got to have a star.
David Koresh.
Fifty-two days in the number one spot.
He wanted to run a summer camp.
I said, "David, why be a counselor...
"...when you can be the Messiah?"
Now you, I can't make the Messiah.
But you give me an exclusive interview,
I'll give you the Blankman.
I don't make deals.
And I don't do television.
Where is the Blankman?
Hey, Einstein, I don't know if you noticed,
but this ain't a boil on my ass.
It's a wheelchair. I'm paralyzed
from the waist down. I can't feel a thing.
I felt that.
You through?
I like this guy!
He ain't got no legs, but he's got balls.
- Take a walk with me. Have a seat.
- All right.
I happen to know that Blankman
has the hots for a certain reporter.
A lady by the name of Kimberly Jonz.
I had a grandma. She meant a lot to me.
But somebody killed her.
Minelli, one time, whacked out an old lady
for giving him a dirty look.
...not yet released the victims' names...
...but it is rumored
that among the fatalities is 68-year-old...
...Eleanor Walker, a local resident who
runs this chapter of the Harris campaign.
This is Kimberly. I think I figured out
who killed your grandmother.
Hello. Blankman?
No, this is not Kimberly. It's Minelli.
If you ever want to see Kimberly again,
come down to the TV station right now.
Yes.
And, Blankman,
don't forget to wear your tights.
- No.
- No. Have a nice day.
Thank you. Come again.
Hi, welcome to McDonald's.
Minelli just took over the newsroom.
Sorry, sir, wait in line
like everyone else.
You don't understand.
Minelli just took Kimberly hostage.
He's got Kimberly?
He says he's going to kill her
unless Blankman shows up.
The police ain't doing jack.
You've got to save her.
I don't want to get involved.
I don't do that anymore.
I'm normal now.
I'm Darryl Walker, Crew Chief.
Ronald McDonald's coming next week,
I have to whip this place into shape.
I'm not talking to Darryl,
I'm talking to Blankman.
This is serious!
Hi, welcome to McDonald's.
May I take your order, please?
- Would you like fries with that?
- Stop it!
Minelli killed Grandma.
He killed Grandma?
Then I got to take him down.
This time I'm with you.
- You gonna wear your costume?
- I'm not wearing that...
- I need three more burgers.
- I'll wear the costume. Let's just go!
- We'll take him down, me and you?
- Yes, let's go.
- Come on!
- I'll be right back. I got to punch out.
I can't get the hang of that thing.
Hello, Kimberly.
No time for small talk, buddy.
To the Blankscreen.
I can pull up the plans to the
news building on the Blankscreen.
They're going to expect us
to come in through here.
We'll get the drop on them
by coming up in through here.
Why don't we just go through the front?
'Cause that'll take all the fun out,
silly-billy gumdrops.
To the Blanksuits!
That's your costume.
And I'll once again don...
...the Blanksuit.
This is great!
I said, "This is fantastic!"
I can't hear you.
I said, "This is great!"
- I can't hear...
- Shut up and drive!
Mr. Minelli, you're said to have mob ties.
Have you ever committed a crime?
No, I've never committed a crime.
No, goddamn it. No!
You're asking him all the easy questions.
Probe deeper! Dig into him!
Edge!
Right. Edge. Mr. Minelli, are you gay?
Goddamn! Now that's edge!
I'm sick and tired of this crap.
You told me Blankman would be here...
...and he ain't here. Now I not only
have to kill her but you, too.
Because I'm a gentleman,
I'll kill the lady first.
Yes, Miss Anchor Lady, this, just in:
Your time is up.
Do something. He's crazy!
Check your sources on that story, Minelli.
You might have got a bad lead.
Blankman.
I see you found someone to work with you
who dresses worse than you do.
What's your name, other guy?
I don't have one yet.
How about "Poorly Dressed Deadman."
Get them guys!
Get in there!
Get in there and fight! Get them!
Take them out.
- They're gaining on us!
- Get up, you idiots!
Back to back.
How you doing? Oh, damn.
I'll handle this myself.
I got a swell idea for you two.
Isn't this great?
We'll never get out of here alive.
That's the whole plan, Blankman.
While you're in there, I have rigged up...
...a secret bomb that is going to go off...
...and blow up this
building in five minutes.
Holy double jeopardy.
You're good.
When this bomb goes off,
you'll be held responsible. Post mortem.
Minelli!
Look.
You got what you wanted.
Let Kimberly go.
- Put me down, too. You don't want me.
- No.
The broad stays.
Stone, I'm sorry I messed up your show.
Not at all.
Then I'm sorry I ruined your life.
ls this the end of our episode?
Will the Dynamic Duo
defy their death defying...
...drowning death trap? Or...
Who will dislodge Other Guy's fist
from Blankman's eye?
Quit messing around! This is serious!
Kevin, stop being a pessimist.
This tank is not half
full, it's half empty.
That's great. You have lost your mind.
This is life or death.
If my plan serves me correctly...
...J-5 should be gingerly on his way.
You'll see. He's coming.
J-5!
Hello, Kimberly.
Save them! Do something! Hurry, J-5.
Do it, J-5! Save them!
Kick the glass.
The holes have weakened the glass!
You can do it!
- We got to cut the chains!
- We got to find the bomb.
There's no time. It could be anywhere.
Save yourself.
There's no point in us all dying.
I'll never forget you, my lover.
That's a Blankjoke.
You're so wonderful to keep your sense
of humor during such a time of crisis.
Electronics. Think about electronics.
J-5!
Quick! Vacuum power pack, on!
Dry these little wings
so these birdies can fly.
Blankman, you're such a poet.
Don't you know it?
Wait. How are we going to find a bomb
in this building?
We can't.
But J-5 can.
I'll switch him to antiterrorist,
bloodhound, bomb-sniffing mode.
Okay, J-5, smell the explosive.
Smell it, boy.
Find the explosive, boy. Find it!
Go, J-5! Go, boy!
- He's got something.
- He's on to something.
Go, J-5.
Go. What is it, baby?
The women's bathroom. That fiend!
The one place he knew we couldn't go into.
You see something in here?
- Did you find a bomb?
- Yeah, but not the one we're looking for.
He's on to something. Where, boy?
ls something in there, boy?
Stand back.
J-5, convert to bomb-disposal unit, now!
I hope this works.
He's only certified to handle
but so much explosives.
Okay, Kevin, let's save Kimberly.
J-5, to the street. Now.
- Darryl, wait a minute.
- Please, call me Blankman.
Blankman, do we have to tell Stone?
The building's not going to blow up, right?
Look.
I don't care what games you play,
little buddy.
- My only concern is Miss Kimberly Jonz.
- That's all I wanted to know.
Hang on, my love.
We can't find the bomb.
- It's gonna blow.
- Play along.
It's gonna blow. We can't find the bomb.
The whole thing's going to blow.
What do you mean,
you can't find the bomb?
I mean we can't find it. We messed up!
The building's going to blow.
And when it does...
...boom! Wheelchair here,
cowboy boot over there.
Get me out of this thing! Come on!
Blankman says there's no time.
He says there's only time enough
to save baby girl.
- You're going to leave me?
- He says you got to be strong. Be strong.
You're just going to leave me here?
I'll never forget you.
I'm gonna call your mama now!
Get back here, you son of a bitch!
I'll kill you.
I'll kill you, you son of a bitch!
I'll kick your ass.
Other Guy, watch Kimberly.
Get out of the way!
Get out of the way! He's going to explode.
He's going to explode! Get out!
Good luck, buddy. Good luck.
J-5, thank God you're all right, buddy.
J-5!
J-5, speak to me!
Don't die, J-5.
J-5, don't you dare die.
Minelli, you're going down!
I'm Kimberly Jonz at the News Center.
What happened tonight is very simple.
Blankman and some other guy in a mask,
they were abducted...
...along with myself,
by Michael Minelli and his band of stooges.
Luckily, when they fled,
Blankman outsmarted them.
He got away. I don't believe it!
You better believe it,
you diabolical villain.
Blankman, how did you find me?
You'll have plenty of time
to figure that out, Minelli, in the joint!
The joint?
Sammy, shoot them.
Come on, Sammy. You bad. Shoot me.
- Shut up!
- I didn't tell you something.
What, I got to paint a target on my ass?
Come on.
My God, he shot me.
I tried to tell you.
Only my costume's bulletproof.
Okay, Minelli. The jig is up.
It's time for you to pay the piper.
Get ready to rumble!
My painting! Sammy, get him!
Blankman!
You brought the nunchakus.
Thanks, Other Guy.
I've had all I can take from you, Blankman.
Hi.
Did I do that?
It doesn't matter, I'm gonna tear you apart
with my bare hands. Come here!
- Get up.
- Damn it!
Kevin!
Blankman, it seems every time
we get together somebody dies.
Say goodbye to Other Guy.
Oh, yeah?
All right! I give up!
You should have thought about that
when you killed my grandmother!
That's right, Minelli.
We got a nice, cold jail cell...
...all warmed up for you.
You're not going anywhere.
I'll see you in 20 years, Minelli.
We did it, Other Guy!
Blankman! Damn!
Earlier today, thousands showed up
for a ticker-tape parade to honor...
...its newest hero and his unnamed friend.
Later, the Mayor addressed the hearty
crowd on the steps of city hall...
...giving Blankman a special award.
I present you, Blankman...
...the Harris Award
for outstanding community service.
Thank you.
And you, Other Guy...
...this really cool Blankman T-shirt.
Let's hear it for these fine people.
That was the scene a few hours ago
here at the administration building...
...when a grateful city said thank you
to a man who has renewed its spirits.
The crowds may have gone, but the
memory of this will last a lifetime.
Live from city hall,
I'm Kimberly Jonz saying good night.
Kevin, this is not such a great idea.
What if she doesn't like me?
What if she laughs right in my face?
She's madly in love with you.
Why, I don't know.
- She's in love with Blankman.
- Just tell her you're Blankman.
And really break her heart!
We promised that we're supposed
to meet her after the parade.
Now don't embarrass me. Go on.
- Kimberly.
- Kevin.
- This is my brother, Darryl.
- Darryl.
It's nice to finally get to meet you.
I can't get over this feeling
that I've met you before.
So, I guess they had a big parade today
for that...
...super-guy, what's his name?
His name is Blankman. He saved my life.
He's probably a big loser
without that flashy costume.
He's definitely not a loser.
- A purse-snatcher!
- Where?
That's a job for Blankman!
You know?
Well, actually there's only one way
to be sure.
What did you do to him?
Darryl, speak to me.
Don't touch me, don't touch me.