1
Yes. Uh-huh.
I'm not kidding.
That's where this "class act" brought me.
Yeah, you heard me. Hooters.
This is the first date I've been on
since the divorce...
...and the guy brings me to a Hooters.
Is Tyler asleep?
Oh, yeah! Whoo!
- Not all the way.
- What's he doing?
This T-shin"s on fire!
Why is he singing that?
Must save planet Earth.
No, It's all good.
- It's out.
- What's out'?
Oh, God, I'm coming home.
Intruder alert.
Yeah, maybe that's not actually a bad idea.
You're gonna call me in 10 minutes...
...so that I can tell this dope
I have an emergency.
Can you give me my bath now?
Make it five minutes.
Got you, uh, Buffalo shrimp
with the sauce on the side.
They'll do that for me here.
I didn't know how you took it so...
You realize that you're not
actually looking at my face right now.
Very tight game going on there.
I don't wanna miss it.
You gotta really swing the ax
hard to get those, uh, hits in deep.
- Hi, Jim.
- Hey, Jim.
Hey, Jim.
Cheese sticks in the shape of a heart.
From me, Bunny, Bethany and Britney.
Thank you, Bubbles. That's very nice.
- Have fun.
- See you.
All right.
Hey, I noticed that you made eye contact
with Boobies...
...but I'm not sure it was her eyes
you were looking at.
So you organize closets for a living.
Yes.
Is it hard to find people who can't organize
their own closets? How does that work?
Well, it's not that they can't
do it for themselves.
It's that they don't have the time
or they don't do it efficiently.
Did you start with organizing
glove compartments...
...and just work your way up from there or...?
Listen, I'm sorry.
I know this is not going well. I, heh...
I haven't been on a date in 20 years.
I haven't been on a date since senior year.
You get married in college?
- Yep.
- Me too.
- Really?
- Yes.
Is this not the weirdest feeling
in the world right now?
Like Weird Al starring in Weird Science.
Yes. I like that. You just came up with that?
Yes.
Very good.
You know, I think I will have
one of these Buffalo shrimp.
And I'll have it with the sauce.
Excellent.
Oh, my God.
Oh.
- It's hot.
- Oh, my God. Who makes sauce this hot?
I just...
Did you drink my beer?
No. No, no. I think you did.
Boobies! Buddy! Britney!
- Can you get me some water?
- Here. Have some French onion soup.
You know, I'm curious.
With so many possible reasons...
...which one's the one your wife left you for?
Cancer.
I'm sorry. I...
...naturally just assumed you were divorced.
It's okay.
I naturally assumed
your husband shot himself.
So we're even.
I gotta take this.
Hello.
Whoa, whoa, whoa. Calm down!
An avalanche in our backyard?
I'll be home right away.
It's an emergency. I'm sorry.
Twenty dollars should cover my half.
He used the emergency excuse on you?
Like he's the one that had to escape.
- Like I'm so horrible.
- Huh.
Well, everybody has a bad blind-date story
and this loser is yours.
Who set you UP?
One of the mothers in Tyler's class.
Every time I see her
she tells me about her "friend Jim."
And, "Oh, I just have to meet Jim."
Well, she's a liar and an idiot.
You should roofie her and shave her head.
Dick? Hi.
- No, I can talk. I'm just at work.
- Great.
Ha, ha. I know. I'm so sore.
I L word you too.
Okay. Talk to you later. Bye.
Did you just use the L word with Dick?
We said it last night.
Jen! That's great! Why didn't you tell me?
Well, you know. You finally went on a date
and it was so awful.
I didn't want to make you feel lonelier
than you probably already feel.
I'm fine, actually. And I'm not lonely.
I have two wonderful men in my life:
Brendan and Tyler.
Brendan needs a girlfriend
and Tyler needs Ritalin.
You're suggesting sex and drugs
as a remedy for my children's behavior.
Aah. Oh, my God. this is the dress
I've been wanting forever.
Ooh.
What? No.
- Who has that kind of money?
- Dick.
Try this on. This is a total MILF dress.
We don't try on the clients' clothes.
It's one of our selling points.
"We won't wear your underwear
while we're organizing your closets."
I'm just saying.
Back to work.
I think right at the bottom of this rack,
we could fit some more shoes and storage...
Jen!
Kanye, come and change the baby.
North is wet and I don't wanna
drop her on camera again.
Okay. Take it off.
No! Look, this whole rack
still has the price tags on.
Technically, she hasn't taken ownership yet.
And besides, she's at the tennis club.
Now, try this on.
This dress can change a woman
from the kind a man cheats on...
...to the kind a man cheats with.
I'm gonna go pee.
Expensive. Expensive.
Ooh, most expensive.
Wow. I didn't know you were
gonna look that good in it.
Oh, honey, what's wrong?
I should have tried harder.
I should have dressed sexier.
You didn't do anything wrong. Mark is a pig.
But the kids don't know that.
Agh. They just...
They want us to get back together.
And I don't know how to explain it to them.
Well, it's time for them to learn
that their dad is a big pile of crap.
I get so depressed
I need to wear high, sexy heels.
- Stop jogging.
- It helps.
It's freaking me out.
Look at me. I'm ridiculous.
Come here. Come here.
- Jen's got you.
- Now I see why they call you "Closet Queens."
- Instagram.
- Facebook.
'Yes!
'Yes!
It was awful, man.
There was no connection at all.
I was so happy when you
came up with the avalanche thing.
- That saved my life.
- Ha-ha-ha.
And the way she dressed was like
an assistant principal or something.
I felt like I was in detention.
- I got a girl for you.
- Yeah?
Blond lady. From my belly-dancing class.
A little bit on the plus size.
But when she gets to moving,
all that flapping can make it happen.
- No good.
- That big girl would hit that Hooters...
...like a hurricane. Agh!
Chicken. Steak. Fries. And a Diet Coke.
- All right! Gotcha!
- Ha-ha-ha.
I'm out, man. No more dating for me.
It's time and money
I should be spending with my kids.
Look who it is.
Hey, Larry!
My all-star! Give me some.
It's Hilary, Dad, which is bad enough.
You gonna leave me hanging?
Boom. Guess what?
The new Kodiak tents just arrived.
In time for spring break.
We're going camping in our back yard
again this year?
Why? You too old for that?
No. It's just some kids in my class
are going to Florida...
...or to Colorado or even Switzerland.
You got a lot of rich kids in your school.
- We don't got that kind of money.
- I know. It'd just be nice to go someplace.
You know where you could take her
that's cheap?
My belly-dancing class.
Oh. Put that away. Seriously.
Excuse me, sir?
I'm here to pick up my basketball uniform.
Did you just call me "sir"?
- Yeah.
- I'm a girl.
That's one fugly girl.
Hey, man, that's his daughter.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa!
- Mm.
Hey, honey,
how's the math homework coming?
Are any of the tutor's shortcuts helping?
Did you go on a date?
A date? Who told you I went on a date?
You should really change
your e-mail password, little Miss 072099.
That is the last time
I use your birthday as a password.
I can't believe you read my e-mails.
Brendan, I love you...
...but we have to learn to respect
each other's privacy in this house.
Who's Jim?
Nobody, honey. A buffoon.
Trust me. It was nothing.
- You promise?
- Promise.
Hey! No wheels in the house!
- I've told you this!
- Aah!
Tackle him, Mom! Get him!
Did your dad take you for ice cream
on the way home?
- Spank him!
- Rocky Road and mint chocolate chip!
- Take him to the ground!
- I'm on top of the world! Goose, goose!
- Yeah.
- You're dead!
No more titty twisters, guys!
You only have two titties
for the rest of your lives!
We need to learn to love and respect them.
I always did.
How many times have I told you...
...not to pump him full of sugar
before you drop him off?
Oh, come on. Going out with Dad
for an ice cream cone...
...is a lasting memory for a kid.
Oh, okay. Well, if Dad
spent more time with him...
...then the memories
wouldn't have to be so "lasting."
Boom, zing. Got me again.
It's so great spending time with you, Lauren.
That doesn't go there.
What are we gonna do?
Oh. Oh, man! It's gonna explode in 3, 2...
Oh, thank God.
That was close.
It was almost unorganized for a minute.
- Hi.
- How are you?
Good. Are you going to Tyler's game
on Saturday?
- Yes! Of course!
- Great. I'm putting you down.
It's what you do best.
On the board, Mark. On the board.
Lauren, the boys don't need a board.
They don't need a list.
The know they can count on me. That's it.
Dad, can you help me with my homework?
Oh, I can't, bud! Sorry!
I gotta go to a thing! Ask your mom!
This is not an example of my behavior.
Did you leave?
No, oh, oh
I'll never be that girl again
No, oh, oh
My innocence is wearin' thin
But my heart is growin' strong
So call me, call me, call me
Miss movin' on
Oh, oh, oh
- Larry, wanna shoot some hoops?
- Dad!
- Oh!
'Aah!
- Stop! Get out!
- Oh!
Why wouldn't you knock?
I'm sorry, honey! I didn't see anything!
Oh, thanks a lot!
No, no, no!
There was plenty of stuff to see!
Uh...
I mean, I didn't see any gelling going on!
- How about a fist bump?
- No!
Larry, we both need this fist bump.
We're cool.
Hey, how we doing in here?
I'm talking to Mom.
Great. What are you guys talking about?
It's girl stuff.
Okay. Well, just so you know,
I'm pretty good with girl stuff too.
Excuse me for a second.
Thanks, Dad.
But I just wanna talk to Mom.
Sure, sure.
Say hi for me.
I'm all out of stickers.
You're all out of face.
What happened to you? Ugh.
Can I play with Espn now?
Espn is having her quiet time.
Oh. With Invincible Mommy?
"Invisible." Yes.
It's not fair only Espn gets to see her.
I know.
I wish I could see her.
Me too.
Come here. Mm.
Eh, eh?
Mac and cheese?
- Mac and cheese.
- Yeah!
I mean, he's looking around here.
Looking for you.
You knew it was today.
I published the calendar.
Laur, the meeting went longer than
expected. What do you want from me?
You know what?
I just want you to be a dad! I can't take it!
Why don't you hop over to the snack bar,
see if they sell any chill pills.
"Chill pills"?
Why don't you "bust a move" back to 1990.
You're at a baseball game?
I'm going on a mystery trip with Dick.
That's so great.
I have no idea where we're going.
He's so much fun.
I'm so excited!
Now batting, number 23, Tyler Reynolds.
Okay! Come on! Go Tyler! Whoo!
- Come on, Tyler!
- They're putting this kid in?
League rule.
Every kid has to play two innings.
Even kids like him.
- You shut your piehole.
- I'll kick your ass!
- Or I'll stuff my entire fist in your mouth!
- Burt Reynolds scrawny reject!
Hey, how old is that pitcher?
He looks like a NASCAR driver.
- Strike!
- Come on!
It's okay, buddy! Shake it off! It's okay!
Oh, no. He's not gonna have
one of his meltdowns, is he?
No. He has two more swings.
It's gonna be okay.
Okay. I better go now, then.
Oh, by the way, I need a week off.
Oh, yeah, sure. When's the vacation?
Two weeks from today.
Wait. No. That's not gonna work.
Because that's spring break
and I've gotta take care of the boys.
- Strike two!
- Why?
It's okay, cutie, you got this!
Check out what happens
when this kid strikes out.
- You have been warned, Ratso!
- One more comment and it is go time!
- I will crush you!
- So checkity check it!
I thought Mark was taking the kids
whitewater rafting.
Oh, shocker. He canceled.
Business trip.
Now I'm racking my brain trying to figure out
how to compete with that.
You won't. There's no time.
And why should we both stay at home?
You are the bestest
business partner ever. Heh.
- Strike three!
- I hate this!
I hate this! I hate this! I suck!
No.
Oh, boy. Here we go again.
Oh, God.
Maybe you should try badminton.
- Maybe you should try mouthwash!
- And deodorant!
- And some testosterone supplement!
- And some Cialis!
I'm just assuming!
And shave your neck!
It's very hairy.
God.
What?
Ugh.
No.
Damn it.
Rip that little loop off the back of your shirt.
And Step Three...
- Daddy?
- Yes.
What do you miss about Mommy?
What do I miss about Mommy?
Hmm.
Everything.
I miss her laugh.
And her smile.
And I miss her little nose
that she gave to you.
Luckily you didn't get mine.
You'd look very weird.
- Heh.
- Yeah.
I miss every time The Wizard of 02 was on.
- I love that movie.
- I know.
She would sing all the songs to us.
Especially "Somewhere Over the Rainbow."
You know what I miss most about her?
What?
Getting to tell her how much I love her.
Are you allowed to do that with anyone else?
Am I allowed?
Your mother, before she left...
...that's all she would talk about,
was me finding somebody else.
But I would tell her I can't
because she's my one and only.
What did Mommy say?
Your mom would say...
...my heart is so big that it has room for two.
That's another thing
I miss about your mother.
She actually thought I was awesome.
I think you're awesome, Daddy.
Thank you.
Hey, Dad? Um...
I have a personal errand to run,
and I need to borrow the car.
Well, you can't drive without me yet...
...and somebody's got to stay
here with your sisters.
Dad, I have a personal errand.
What does that even mean?
You taking a hit out on somebody?
Dad, she's monsterating.
- What?
- I have my period!
Oh. I forgot you get those.
"Tampax Pearls."
Douches. "Fresh Scent."
"Medicated" and "Sweet Romance."
Yeah, let's not be doing
the Sweet Romance douches quite yet.
"Poise Feminine Wash."
"Poise"? That's a little close, guys.
"Always Clean"?
I could actually use those. Uh...
What's a Diva Cup? Is that to make coffee?
I don't under-...
What kind do you guys use?
Huh.
- No!
- Hi.
Don't tell me.
- Lauren.
- Lauren.
Mr. Hooters.
Jim.
What's going on in the sweater?
Just for the articles?
No. These, um, actually are for my son.
Wow. What a progressive mother.
No. I found a centerfold under his bed,
and I tore it up.
From a magazine, not the Internet?
He's old school. I respect that.
Why'd you tear it up?
Because as a woman I was totally offended.
You don't have to be.
It's a normal part of growing up.
Okay, but he taped a picture
of our babysitter's face on it.
Okay, that's sick. He needs help.
Borderline Dahmer situation.
Oh, very funny. Okay,
but if you had kids you'd understand...
- Three daughters.
- ...it's complicated.
You have three daughters?
Yes. Do you have any other children,
or just the masturbator?
He has a younger brother.
Uh-huh.
Maybe you'll do a better job with that kid.
I'm just joking. So what, you're here
to replace it before the kid finds out?
Yes. But I can't tell
what magazine it's from. I just...
Do you have any of the centerfold remnants?
Yes, I do.
I, um... I tried to tape it back up.
Did a great job. You can hardly tell.
Snapper magazine.
How can you tell?
From the staple placement
and the way the paper feels...
...and I already have this copy at home.
How about a fist bump? Huh?
Ah.
- Yep, that's the one.
- Great.
Excuse me. Actually, I thought of something
that might help us both...
...to save us some embarrassment.
How about I bring that up to the cashier,
and you bring this up for me.
- Whoa. Are these for your daughter?
- Yeah. She's 15.
And her "friend" just paid a visit.
Okay. Well, these are
for a much older "friend."
A much heavier "friend"
staying in a much bigger "room"...
...than your daughter has.
You lost me.
You found me. Oh.
- Can I get a bump?
- No.
No.
Okay. So you will do this.
That'll be $13.
Hi, I'm Tom.
- Here's your change.
- Hi, I'm Tom.
Yeah, you told me. Next.
Oh.
I remember the Slender Fit days.
You must be doing your Kegels.
Nowadays,
I need six of these taped together.
Okay. Moving on.
And we got...
...that and card.
Rockin' Saturday night, huh, Lefty?
Oh, that's not mine. That's for her kid.
Ooh, pretty progressive mom.
- Yeah. That's what I said to her too.
- Why would you do that?
- I'm sorry. I'll get you out of it.
- What is wrong with you?
She just takes her homeschooling
real serious, so that's why...
We get those back?
She's gotta get home
to the kid and get him going.
- Take care.
- Yeah.
Hi, I'm Tom.
Ugh, thanks a lot for selling me out back there.
Oh, she didn't even hear about...
- I panicked. I'm sorry. Here.
- Oh, I noticed.
Thank you.
I can't believe you have three girls.
- What does that even mean?
- I just can't imagine you with three girls.
Don't, then.
I'm sorry. What are their names?
Hilary, Lou and Espn.
- "Espin." That's unique.
- Mm-hm.
Is it Biblical?
No. Named after my favorite network.
ESPN.
- No.
- Yep.
- What?
- Heh.
Pretty cool.
Oh, my God.
Your wife must have been a saint.
She was.
Your husband must have been
very patient dealing with...
Ah.
Another charming sentiment
from Captain Cheese Sticks.
You know what? Hooters is too good for you.
I'd never bring you there again.
Well, then I guess I'll just have to learn
to get through life without Hooters.
You've been doing
a pretty damn good job so far!
- That doesn't make any sense.
- I didn't realize they were that big.
Oh, whatever.
Guys, unfortunately your dad
had a business trip that came up...
...so your whitewater rafting trip
is gonna get postponed till this summer.
- What?
- We're stuck here doing nothing all week?
I have plans. I have great plans actually.
Like what? Bowling and going to the mall?
How did you know?
- Bet that's Dad!
- Maybe he'll take us on his business trip!
- Oh, hey. Is your mom home?
- What do you mean "ls your mom home"?
- Who are you?
- I'm Jim.
Jim? Jim66@DSG.com?
What is this, Dateline NBC?
Yes, you got it right.
- What do you want?
- I need to talk to your mother.
- Not a big deal.
- She said she's not interested in you.
Believe me, Frodo, I don't like her either.
I have to sort something out with her.
- Brendan, honey, who's at the...?
- Hey.
- Jim.
- You lied! Liar! You like him!
What? I didn't lie, honey. He's a buffoon.
- Just like I said.
- Don't talk to me!
Ever'.
No, sweetie, come on.
- What?
- Great.
Which one was the masturbator?
The big one?
Why are you here? What do you want?
The old bag at the pharmacy
mixed up our cards.
That's impossible
because I keep my cards very organized.
I keep them in color-coded sleeves...
All right, I'll give this back to whoever
it belongs to. Lauren Reynolds.
- You know her? Have you met her?
- Oh.
God, I don't know what's wrong with me lately.
I feel like I'm losing my mind.
Just come in.
So wait. How do you know where I live?
I Googled you and "Closet Queens"
came up.
- You're a lesbian?
- No.
We organize "closets" and we're the best,
so we're "queens."
"Closet Queens."
Maybe the picture was confusing me.
What picture?
Ugh, those little weasels.
Your girlfriend, like,
does she know we went on a date?
Is she gonna kill me? She looks nuts.
- Lauren!
- Well, here she is.
- I have to talk to you!
- I never touched her. She repulses me.
- What?
- What?
Jen, what's wrong?
- It's over between me and Dick.
- Over?
I thought you don't like dick.
But you guys just started using the L word.
The L Word. I saw that show.
You guys love that one I'm guessing.
I'm sorry. Who are you?
Are you here to fix something?
- You should probably go and do that.
- I'm Jim. I'm not a threat.
- Jim?
- The blind-date guy.
- You said that was a disaster.
- Oh, it was.
You said he was a chubby loser.
He is.
You didn't mention he has that high
phlegmy voice like he drinks a lot of dairy.
- I know.
- Standing right here, ladies.
Hearing everything.
All right, our cards got switched
so we're just dealing with that.
What happened with Dick?
He just dropped a major bomb on me.
He's married.
No, worse. He's got kids.
Oh, you're still here. Why?
You still have my card. "Why?"
Wait. You're just gonna break up with him
because he has children?
Five children. Five.
What am I, Julie Andrews?
I'm gonna sew matching outfits
and sing to escape the Nazis?
He asked me if I wanted to be
"part of the team."
- No, I don't!
- Maybe you should just go on the trip...
...and, you know,
spend some alone time with Dick.
See, he wanted the kids to come with us.
He wanted me to get to know them
in a "fun and neutral environment."
Eh, five kids? Is his last name Theodopolis?
- Yes.
- That's incredible. That's my boss.
He owns all the Dick's Sporting Goods.
I manage the one in Ridgefield.
Of course you do.
Dick takes a lot of special needs people,
makes them "managers" of something...
...so they can have a business card
and feel important.
Good for you!
That explains it. That explains a lot.
You know, actually I applied to work
at Closet Queens...
...but they said there's already
a gorilla filling that position.
It's a thyroid thing.
- Heh.
- Where was he gonna take you?
Africa.
It was gonna be incredible. Look at that.
- Sun, sand, safaris.
- Wow.
- Oh, my God.
- He must really like you a lot.
Sorry, I'm not getting it at all.
Okay. And this concludes our business.
Thank you. Africa.
So he's just gonna go here
all by himself with his kids now?
No. He's heartbroken now.
Nobody gets to go.
Oh, damn it!
Why does he have to have joint custody?
I thought the mother always got the kids.
I mean, this is a week away.
I hope he gets his money back.
- A week out? Not a chance.
- Aah!
Well, maybe they do things
differently in Africa.
I forgot you were an expert
at closets and African refund policies.
Okay. Kick him out.
Don't let him talk to you like that.
- Get out.
- I'm leaving.
Jen. My boys would give anything
to go on a vacation like this.
Mr. Theodopolis. Hi. It's Jim Friedman.
I don't mean to be a vulture picking on
the carcass of your dead relationship.
But I wonder...
...if you'd sell me the vacation...
...you were gonna go on
with Freddy Krueger's sister?
I have been saving and saving.
I could never give him full value for it...
...but something's better than nothing,
right, sir?
It would just be the three of us.
It would just be the four of us
so we only need one room.
Oh, my God. Wait until I tell the boys.
Wait till I tell the girls!
We're going to Africa!
Welcome to Africa
Welcome, welcome
I can't believe we're here.
This is pretty cool, Mom.
Yeah.
Welcome, welcome, welcome, welcome
So I did good? This is better than,
like, bowling and the mall?
Oh, yeah.
- Welcome, welcome
- Africa!
Thank you so much. Thank you.
This is terrific. This is great.
What the 'Eu... '?
- Brendan!
- What the fudge is he doing here?
We're going on family vacations together now?
I have no idea
why they followed us to Africa.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Is this a sick dream?
What is happening right now?
You're stalking my mom! You're a predator!
Hey! Don't talk to my dad like that, butthole!
- Language!
- How about you don't correct my daughter?
She can say "butthole" if she wants to.
- Butthole! Butthole!
- Not you.
I hear thunder on the mountain. Ha-ha-ha.
Welcome to South Africa.
Mfana at your service.
Mfana.
Uh, Jim. I mean, Dick.
Dick Theodopolis.
Welcome, Dick Theodopolis!
And you are traveling
with one little girl and two, uh...
- Big girls.
- Ha-ha-ha. Of course.
And you must be...
...Miss Palmer.
Yes. Jen Palmer.
Oh, I see what you did.
I see what you did too.
Are you ready for the most exciting,
amazing, and romantic week...
...of your entire lives?
Exciting, amazing, romantic!
Yeah, we're here for the zero
romance package.
You still haven't told the children,
my friends?
Told the children what?
- Do I have a new mommy?
- Mfana.
Will you do us a favor?
Leave us alone for just two secs.
- Which means "of course."
- Thank you.
All right. Listen. Would you just
reassure my son that we're not dating.
We are not dating! I promise you.
This is not a face I want to wake up
to every morning.
Wow.
You'd be lucky to wake up
to that every day. My mom is frigging hot.
Did you just say your mom was hot?
No! Not hot...!
That's just wrong.
- Tyler! Tyler!
- Whoo!
- Get down from there!
- Wee!
Oh, God! Please, please,
please, please get down!
- Whoo!
- Aah!
This place is ginormous!
Oh, my God!
Follow me. Right this way.
Welcome to your familymoon.
Whoa.
This is so cool.
Now we're talking! This is Africa, baby!
We'll take this room.
No! We want this room.
Silly Theocropolises! This is for the children.
This room is for the mama and the papa.
Look at that bed.
- Huge.
- Awesome.
- This is so cool.
- Look at this candy.
Here is where you make more
Theopotamuses.
My bad.
What part of "not dating"
does this bed fit into?
- Oh, boy.
- Okay. You know what?
Everybody fall into line.
Brendan, Tyler honey,
I need you on the couch.
Hilary, C-SPAN, Lou...
Espn, Espn.
Excuse me. Espn. I'm sorry, honey.
Oh, my God.
Dick was gonna propose to Jen.
A family honeymoon, a "familymoon."
And your dumb friend ruined it.
Here's what's gonna happen.
The first room we saw,
we're gonna take that.
And you and your deranged boys can
have Wilt Chamberlain's headquarters.
Dude, what are you eating?
Mm. "Cherry Pan-ties."
What are "Cherry Pan-ties"?
Let me see that.
- Oh, no! God! Spit it out! Spit it out!
- Why?
Just no Cherry Pan-ties ever!
Out, out, out!
Hey, Mom.
I guess this used to be a firehouse.
Look at this place. Wow.
Hello, Mr. Snuffleupagus.
Heh. Theodopolis.
Hello...
Girls.
- Girls. They're girls.
- That's twice.
Let's go, guys... Girls.
23. We're looking for 23.
There it is.
- Ahem.
- Oh.
'Hi!
How you doing?
I think we're sharing a table with you.
Yeah. Hi! I'm Eddy Wernick and this
is Ginger Wernick and our son, Jake.
We're from Vancouver.
Okay. I'm your son. All right?
Ginger would've had to give birth to me
when she was 6. She's not my mom.
Okay. Get it out there for everyone.
Sharing it, loving it. No holding back.
That's good.
- All right. Let's do our thing. Come on.
- Isn't this place fantastic?
- So romantic.
- Oh.
Good. Gonna have a nice trip here.
- Um, Dad?
- Hey, sweetie.
Where should I sit?
You can sit anywhere you want.
What about Mom?
Where does she sit?
Uh, where do you want her to sit?
Next to me?
Then that's where she'll sit.
Go ahead.
Get right next to Lou.
Your mom's right there.
Okay?
All good.
Ignoring it. Ignoring the weirdness.
Ah.
Where's the funeral at, boys?
Where's the golf tournament at, girls?
Oh, no. No, no, no, no.
Mfana. Mfana!
Yes! Missus, uh...?
Reynolds. Palmer!
Just not his wife, okay?
I don't wanna sit here.
Not gonna happen.
Ha, ha. I'm afraid it must happen, ma'am.
All tables are filled
and this is your family.
Please sit with us.
You give it a try.
Every family fights.
- You make it better.
- Mm-hm.
- Yes?
- Yes.
Try the chakalaka.
- Hi, new people.
- Hello.
This is Lauren, by the way, and her children,
Wax On and Wax Off.
Isn't this place fantastic?
Oh, it's so romantic.
Sorry, what'd you say?
So romantic!
Easy-
Keeping it classy, huh, Ginger?
Oh, Jakey,
you have something on your face.
Oh, it's a mole.
Hey! You can't sit there.
- Why not?
- My mom's sitting there.
- Is she in the bathroom or something?
- No. She's sitting there right now.
Are you on meds?
Ow!
It's okay, Espn.
We'll get Brendan another chair.
Thank you.
Whatever. I'm just gonna go
to the buffet.
Tyler, come with me.
They eat fried caterpillars here.
Hell, yeah!
Very nice.
Girls, why don't you hit the buffet also?
Larry, make sure you have plenty of beef,
okay? Gotta bulk up for the season.
Love you. Go on.
"Bulk up for the season"?
What is she, a bear?
She's trying out for girls' varsity this year.
A lot of big ladies out there.
- She's gonna eat her way into the starting five.
- My God.
Hello, everybody!
My name is Nickens.
And we are Thathoo!
We play traditional South African
isicathamiya music...
...with a little bit of American soul.
- Ha-ha-ha!
- It is getting a little hot in here.
Finally, my huge African arms are free.
Yeah, baby!
Yes, they are.
No.
I would like to welcome you to our...
...Fourth Annual Blended
Familymoon Week!
- What's a blended family?
- I don't know. It sounds painful, though.
I am looking out at all you beautiful...
...stepchildren, stepdads, stepmoms...
...half-brothers, same-sex domestic
partners, and good old-fashioned...
...booty calls gone wrong. Ha-ha-ha.
Now, even though
the emphasis is on family...
...we here at the beautiful Sun City Resort
want to make sure...
...you get some alone time.
Oh...
Because alone time can sometime
take a long time...
...we have many supervised activities
for the young ones to do.
We have a fabulous jungle play zone.
A nightly pool party.
Hey, Espn. Why aren't you getting in?
Is your mom afraid of the water?
Good one, Mom.
Magical animal time.
Little one, wouldn't you like
to try petting a living animal?
He's dead?
And our famous Tekula teen disco!
Hey, dude.
There's a lot of hot chicks out here.
The best time.
What the heck is...?
What is that?
Are you kidding me?
Oh, my God! Are you kidding me?
Oh, my God! Oh, God!
Oh, God! Crocodile!
Crocodile attack!
Help me! Somebody help me!
Please don't kill me!
God! Oh, my God!
Mr. Bellyflopolis,
the crocodiles are fake!
They're fake?
Yes, they're fake!
Why would you make them
look so realistic?
Well, to scare the baboons away.
You just scared a zebra stripe
into my underwear!
Don't worry!
What happens in Africa, stays in Africa.
Oh. Oh.
Tyler. Okay.
Excuse me. Oh.
Okay-
That's one way to get him to sleep
through the night.
- You saw that?
- I actually heard it.
I think they heard it in Uganda.
It was a lot easier
when he was Lou's age.
Of course, let me help you out here.
Here you are. You're home.
- Thank you.
- Absol... Oh. Too late.
- Aah!
- Whoa, whoa, whoa.
All right, all right, all right.
Pick him up.
Three-second rule. Three-second rule.
Good, good, good.
You're fine. He's fine.
Okay, now I'm getting scared.
Okay-
Sleep, sleep.
Too hot in here. No blanket, okay? Shh.
Here's your buddy.
Love ya, love ya.
Mom's sleeping there.
Okay, can I sleep with her?
No, you'll crush her.
No, I could get in with her and spoon
with her. It would be nice.
- I don't wanna see that.
- No. Okay.
We'll let Mommy rest.
I'll, uh... I'll figure it out.
I love you.
- I love you too, Dad. Good night.
- Sleep good.
Me and you there, shorty.
Okay, that's right.
Right on my neck.
That's gonna make a nice evening for me.
Hey, guys. It is time to wake up.
Africa awaits us. It's a beautiful morning.
- Is he crazy?
- Go away. It's way too early.
Lou, will you wake up
with Daddy, please?
In the name of Lucifer, let us sleep.
Up, up, up, you two.
I have quite a day planned.
I need a coffee.
Morning.
- Big day planned?
- Oh, yeah.
7:15 nature walk. 8:30 petting zoo.
10:00 a.m. native crafts.
The boys, they're so excited.
Really? My girls are ecstatic also.
Just jumping up and down on the bed.
Can't believe they're here.
- Cream?
- No, thank you.
- Sugar?
- Yes, please.
- Couldn't get the boys out of bed?
- No.
The girls?
The girls are probably sleeping
the rest of the trip.
Possible exorcism coming
for the little one. We'll see what happens.
Well, it's beautiful here.
Oh, yeah.
- I'll see you around.
- Yeah. Have a good one.
You won't see that in New Jersey.
Okay. All right. All right. Here we go.
Okay. Here you go, baby.
That's it, sweetie. Take him down.
Take him! That's it.
Back him.
Use your weight! Muscle him.
- Unh.
- Use your body.
- Unh!
- Oh, yeah! Finish it!
- Ugh!
- And barn! That's it! Yes!
Yes! Way to go, LBW-
Winners up. Let's go. Give me the ball.
Buddy.
Up top.
And we go in. Let's go. Get loose.
Cut. Cut! Larry! Move!
Come on. What are you doing?
Larry?
Just cut! Go! Break it.
Shake him off. Come on.
Are you voguing right now?
What is happening?
Here! Just take the ball.
Work the kid. Work him. Lose him.
Cross him. Cross him over. Cross him.
Don't skip!
Why you moving like that? Is it the bra?
Because if it's the bra, just take it off.
You don't need it anyways.
What?
What are you doing? We just started.
Is your boy okay?
Why does he wear a bra?
She's a girl.
You suck.
You suck, you suck, you suck
You suck, you suck, you suck
You suck, you suck, you suck
You schooled by a little girl
Your boy has no skills
You schooled by a little girl
Tyler, slow down!
Come on, Mom!
We're going four miles per hour.
That's plenty fast enough.
Fast and safe.
Miss Palmer! It's okay to go fast.
Oh, okay, Mfana.
Watch me!
Ha-ha-ha. Wee!
- You're going the wrong way!
- Watch out, Grandma!
My bad.
The blending process
is really going well for us.
My husband's 13-year-old still
has some hatred issues towards me.
But it is becoming less physical,
so it's a start.
- That's great.
- Good for you.
I woke up this morning with a pillow
pressed against my face.
But I could sense some guilt afterwards.
So that's progress.
Hang in there, ladies.
There's a light at the end of the tunnel.
This little angel here...
...is finally starting to think of me
as her second mom.
Not just her former gymnastics teacher.
What are you drawing, honey?
It's a picture of elephants stomping
on your head and making you dead.
- Heh-heh-heh.
- Stop it.
Don't worry.
What happens in Africa stays in Africa.
Bump my fist?
- Ha, ha. Jim's so funny.
- Yeah.
My head is boiling, Mom. Get it off.
I'm trying.
- Why did you tie it with so many knots?
- I didn't want it to come flying off.
Oh, my God!
What happened to her face?
- I painted it. She's a kitty cat.
- Are you wearing eye shadow?
I made Daddy a princess,
but he washed the paint off.
Well, not all the way off
because he looks a little like Lady Gaga.
Why is this kid wearing a helmet? Are you
carrying him to bed again or something?
No, I tied the chin strap too many times.
I can't get it off.
Best thing about working at a sporting
Swiss Army knives.
- Just be careful.
- I'll go easy.
- Aah!
- Oh.
Uh-huh. Uh-huh.
- Thank you.
- Daddy, I gotta go to the bathroom.
- You do? Okay.
Can she take me?
She's got her own life to live.
What do you gotta do? One or two?
- Number one.
- I can handle this.
- Okay.
- Will you watch him?
- And I mean watch him.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah. I got it, home slice.
- Okay.
- For sure.
What's number one again?
It's a pee-pee.
And sometimes he wipes too hard.
I'm sure he doesn't mean to.
No, he's a good daddy.
He just doesn't have a bagina.
Okay, honey. Let's wash your hands.
He's a bad daddy!
He made me look like the walking dead!
Oh, no!
Okay-
All right.
Let's see what we have
in the magic bag here.
Oh. Perfect.
All right. La, da, da.
You're pretty.
You're prettier.
I said you are.
Shut up and let me do your makeup.
Don't worry. They're around.
Oh, I'm not worried.
Maybe that's where they are.
Yeah!
Yeah!
Tyler?
- Hold on, now!
- Excuse me.
- Hold on, big time!
- Aah!
Aah! Oh, my God! I'm gonna kill him.
Yeah, baby! Hold on, now!
Whoa! Whoa!
Easy, homey. easy!
Tyler! Get off that dodo bird right now!
Whoa, whoa, whoa. Everything's fine.
The safety instructor's on top of it.
Ugh.
Look at me, Mom! I'm a cowboy!
Well, partner, I bet I can stay on
longer than you!
It's on, sheriff.
No "longer"! No "staying"!
- I can't be beat!
- I can't hear you! You're going down!
I'm never gonna fall off! Never!
Whoo! One hand, mama!
Whoo... Aah!
Ooh!
Good!
Yes! I win! I'm the king of Africa!
- Whoa!
- Tyler!
A winner!
Are you kidding me?
Yee-haw! Yee-haw!
Wow. Whoo, boom!
You're a moron, okay?
Because he could've broken his neck!
Mom. Mom, Mom. Did you see that?
I stuck the landing and did the bull dance.
I saw it.
Thank you so much
for taking me on this trip, Mom.
This is the best day of my life!
Okay. Great! Oh, good! Oh, good.
I love you so much.
- I'm so glad you're having fun.
- Aw.
You're welcome.
Thank you so much.
- Why you flipping my dad off?
- Huh? I'm not.
Yo! Check out white girl
in the neighborhood.
Am I right, my brothers? Woo-woo!
I can't believe your dad's into my mom.
He doesn't like her. She's into him.
No way. He's goofy and flabby all over.
My mom's gorgeous with a rocking body.
Hey, that's sick, man.
That was out of context!
Was it?
You know, you should just go talk to him
because he probably won't bite.
Oh! No, no. I can't.
Got a boyfriend back at home?
Please. All the guys at my school pretty
much assume I'm a lesbian.
And not the hot kind.
Well, have you ever considered,
say, like...
...changing your hairstyle?
Our barber only really knows
how to do this and crew cuts.
- So...
- A barber?
Like the kind with a pole outside?
He cut our grandfather's hair.
He cuts my dad's hair.
- And now he cuts our hair. Heh.
- May I just...?
Yup.
You have such a beautiful face.
You know, it's funny because
I was actually on my way to the salon.
Do you wanna come
check it out with me?
For what?
For a hairdo...
...for a girl...
...in this century.
I would but I'd have to ask
my dad for the money.
No. No, no, no. It's on me.
Really?
It would make me so happy.
Because I don't get to do this
with my boys.
- Come on, Prince Valiant.
- Heh.
- I don't know who that is but okay.
- Okay.
Where do you buy your clothes?
Oh, Dad gets most of our clothes
from work.
Oh, then I guess we should be grateful
he doesn't work at Hooters.
No, my mom worked at Hooters.
She what?
Oh, my mom, she used to work at Hooters.
She managed the one over on Lake Street.
Oh. Heh.
So then he gets down
on one knee and proposes.
Right in the middle of kickboxing class.
He's lucky he didn't get kicked
in the nuts.
Oh, my nuts! Ha-ha-ha.
Espn. This is the best passion fruit
I've ever tasted. Try it.
And I got some for your mom too.
Thank you.
You're welcome.
So how'd you two sexicans meet?
Yeah! Hitting them with the hard questions.
I like it.
Well, we met on a blind date.
- Argh. Those are the worst.
- Oh.
I've been on 10 blind dates in my life.
All fatties. Ten for ten. All fatties.
No offense, Jim.
What?
So what happened?
Where'd he take you?
Actually, Hooters.
Here we go.
Which was wonderful service,
nice people, really great.
Aw. How romantic.
- Oh.
- Aw, everyone's shimmying now.
Shimmy, shimmy, shimmy. Ha-ha-ha.
Why you no shimmy, Jimmy?
Shimmy.
Jim?
Where's Larry?
What happened to Larry?
I'm right here, Dad.
Why were the, uh...?
How did this, uh...?
What's happening right now?
Um, well, Lauren gave me
her salon appointment...
Uh-huh.
...and they put in hair extensions
and makeup...
...and she even told them how to style it
and what to do, what not to do.
She was pretty amazing.
She was amazing, huh?
Do you want to go get some sushi
from the bar?
Whoa, whoa, whoa. Easy, scarecrow!
She's gotta bulk up!
Pork chops! Lamb chops! Tri-tip!
Uh...
Let's go get our beef on?
Uh-oh. I think someone new came to dinner.
A flying baby named Cupid.
- Heh-heh-heh.
- Ping.
Aah! You got me!
Now we're both in love.
What's the matter?
What's the matter?
I just looked at my daughter,
and I didn't really recognize her.
Kind of threw me off for a minute.
Well, she's 15, you know?
She's bound to grow up at some point.
I know. Call me crazy.
I just thought maybe that would be
my decision because she's my kid!
Okay! Awkward moment.
Uncomfortable. Tension.
I'm leaving the table. Who's with me?
- Me! Me!
- I'm going.
Wow.
Whoa. I just...
Can I ask you?
What made you think you could tart up
my daughter without my permission?
You're right. I'm sorry. I am.
I just find it hypocritical from someone
who nearly killed my son.
So it was getting even? Is that it?
No, it's not getting even but I just...
- She's beautiful.
- Right.
With that pageboy Prince Valiant haircut
you gave her...
She looked very nice with that haircut.
...and the tracksuit, are you kidding me?
Dying on the inside to come out!
Her mother was tomboyish at her age
and that was fine with me.
You knew your wife when she was 15?
I knew my wife when I was 13.
I had a crush on her.
I have no idea why she liked me back.
I was 90 percent goofy
and 10 percent loser.
Well, I was 60 percent Urkel
and 40 percent Screech.
If I didn't have braces,
my teeth would be hitting you right now.
I'm sorry I yelled at you. I feel like a jerk
because I put your kid on a gooney bird...
- ...and I didn't ask your permission.
- No, but listen. You're right.
I need to let go of the reins a little bit.
I just want to say on behalf of Thathoo...
...how happy we are to see you
two lovebirds finally...
...blending.
No, we're not blending.
We were just having a conversation.
- Just happy we haven't killed each other yet.
- Heh.
Yes, yes, you are blending
We don't feel that way about each other!
Yes, you'll be touching
Like wine and bobotie
All right, let's go and get our beef on!
And like malva pudding
All right, thank you.
I think they're blending over there!
Come now! Come now!
They're blending over here! Yes!
Daddy, look!
Ha-ha-ha. Woo-hoo!
What? I thought I saw an eagle.
I saw a camel! Ha-ha-ha.
Hey, Hilary. Uh...
You wanna come in our truck?
Shouldn't you be in your coffin?
The sun's out right now.
Take a walk, homes.
Eh, yo, yo, yo.
Go ahead.
Oh!
- Oh, my God.
Ha-ha-ha.
Look, children.
The bush pig has lost its parents...
...so it is being cared for by Mama
and Papa Lion.
Even in nature
there are blended families.
- That's nice.
- That's sweet.
I may have misread that situation.
- You think so, buddy?
- What is wrong with you?
Yeah, Lauren!
Yeah. baby!
- No!
- You can do it, Mom!
Go Lauren! Go Lauren!
Whoa.
Oh, my God.
Emotional. Time passing. Changes.
It's... it's... It's hard.
You gotta let it go.
Turning the page. Moving on.
She was a little kid just a...
Processing it. Accepting it.
The circle of life. Painful, though.
It hurts, right?
No. Not for me. I got a boy.
But you're in the shithouse.
Thanks.
Whoo! Aah!
The view is splendid!
Which mean "who's next?"
Please, Mom?
What? That? Are you crazy? No.
If Mfana can do it, I could do it.
It's totally safe.
There is no way
I'm going to let you do that.
Unless I try it first...
- ...and make sure you can handle it.
- Yes!
Yeah! Oh, yeah!
Your mom is gonna do it.
You have nothing to worry about.
You are in tight.
You got 50-gauge webbing here.
Possibly malaria is the only thing
you gotta think about.
Don't swallow anything weird up there.
Okay. What happens if, like,
I wanna signal for help...
- ...or, like, if I decide to change my mind? Aah!
- Whoa!
Oh, yeah, baby!
- You look good!
- Oh, my God!
I change my mind! I change my mind!
- Whoo!
- That's awesome!
Oh.
Wow!
Oh, my God!
It's beautiful!
Go, Mama, go!
Aah! Aah!
There are giraffes!
Jim, there are giraffes right there!
I can see them!
Well, say hello for me!
Oh, wow!
Oh, this is so pretty!
Oh, my God! Elephants! Elephants!
Aah!
- Thatta girl!
- Go Lauren!
Why is she screaming?
She's not screaming. She's howling.
She's having fun.
Looking good up there, baby!
Fly, Mrs. Thorpopolis! Fly like the wind!
Tyler! You've gotta try this!
Why you slowing down?
- We're out of gas.
- You're out of gas? What does that mean?
We used to have gas.
But now we're out.
Oh.
Oh, my God! What's happening?
Jim!
- We're out of gas!
- What?
- Oh, no.
- Oh, my God! No!
This is all your fault!
Don't worry!
My dad's gonna come up with a plan!
- What's the plan?
- Look for a gas station.
You suck.
Why did I let you talk me into this?
Listen to me!
When you get close to the ground...
...start running fast!
I have the legs of a corgi dog!
It doesn't matter right now!
Move those little babies!
You cannot let your kids
see you die like this!
Go! Go! Go!
Now! Get those legs going!
Oh, my God! Rhino!
- Rhino, rhino!
- Oh, my God!
Spread them!
- Oh, my God!
- Spread the legs!
- Aah!
- Her bagina!
Aah! Ow!
Yeah!
Ugh!
- Go, go, go, go, go!
- Dad!
Ooh.
Aah.
I didn't have you pegged
for the massage type of guy.
It's the first massage I'll ever do in my life.
I have to.
To see if they can rub
my pancreas out of my neck.
My God. You're welcome, by the way.
For what?
"For what?" For saving you.
You didn't save me.
You told me to keep running.
Why didn't you catch me?
I was supposed to catch you?
Who am I, Batman?
Coming at me like 700 miles an hour.
You're weighing about a buck fifty.
The inertia would rip my arms off my body.
Yes. That's me. I weigh a buck fifty.
If I'm holding your left ass cheek.
- I don't know what women weigh.
- You don't know anything.
Mm-hm. We'll see.
- Have a nice massage.
All right. Now do the same on your partner...
...while making sure to continue
to look deeply into each others' eyes.
- What is this?
- A scene out of The Doors?
I don't know. Uh...
Ma'am? Yeah. I booked a massage.
Yes. You've booked
for the Art of Couples massage.
- I just got a call from my babysitter...
- Oh. There was an avalanche in my back yard...
Come on!
This is exactly what you guys need.
We'll form a massage train.
I'll be the caboose.
- Unacceptable.
- I'm joking.
- Join us.
- No, ma'am.
- I'm so good.
- I'm being totally honest...
I think you should. This way.
- And there you go.
- Oh, my God.
Okay!
Let's loosen things up
by stroking your lover's neck.
Okay
Come on now.
Don't be bashful.
Give yourself over to the pleasure
of your loving partner's touch.
Yeah.
- Hello.
- How are you?
Ow.
Remember to keep the touch soft.
Lightly brush your fingers
against her skin.
It's so...
Oh, God! What's happening?
- Is there a bug on me?
- No.
There's no bug. I was just trying
to get some skin, like she said.
- Well, that hurts the jugular.
- I won't do it.
I'm sorry. I don't know...
...how to give you a...
Okay, so...
- There you go.
- Oh.
- That's actually really nice. Heh.
- Good.
Oh, God.
Oh.
I feel like I'm relaxing.
Oh, it's wonderful.
Excuse me. Am I gonna get
some sort of rub action here...
...or does the guy do all the work
in Africa?
Very funny, Mr. Moptopolis.
But he's right.
Ladies, it's time for you to join in.
As your partner moves down
to your shoulders, reach out...
...and touch his ears.
Gently rub the lobes
between your thumb and index finger...
...as if you were rubbing the morning dew...
- ...off a flower petal.
- Uh-huh.
- Are these your flower petals?
- Yes.
- Now rub the dew. Ha, ha. Do the dew.
- Heh.
I'd be doing you a really big favor if I just
yanked these goofy things right off.
Oh, just shut up, schlumpy shoulders.
- I do have schlumpy shoulders.
- No, you don't. They're very nice.
But you know what helps
if you need to work on your posture?
Here, just lift your arms a little bit.
Watch, I'll show you. Right...
Feels very good.
- You have nice shoulders.
- Really?
You really have a lot of muscle.
- Not as much as you.
- Heh.
From carrying that kid around
and smashing his head.
- Ugh.
- Oh, yeah!
Mr. Wernick.
Those are not your wife's shoulders.
Busted!
Loving it though. Respect the vision.
I get it.
- Gotta go for it, right?
- You do!
Whoa.
Mm. That was so relaxing.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
I hope I put your pancreas
back where it belongs.
I don't even know where it is right now.
- Are you my sexy little wormhole?
- Yeah, I'm your sexy little wormhole!
They have fun.
That's very pretty.
You were very nice. Thank you.
Heh. Oh, you know.
You're a strong woman. Strong hands.
Mm. I'm glad you like my hands.
Daddy?
Can Lauren put me to bed?
Sweetheart, Daddy will put you to bed
in one second.
But I want Lauren.
Lauren...
Another time, Lauren will do that.
But I want her to put me to bed tonight.
And Daddy said no.
- Mm!
- No.
- Mm!
- No!
I want Lauren.
I'm flattered.
That's good. You're all right.
Okay. How's that?
Are you all cozy now?
Yes.
Daddy?
Can you give us some alone time?
I could go to the bathroom outside.
Is that what you want? You got it.
Thrown out of my own tent.
I own him.
It seems that way.
Can you rub my head
so I have good dreams?
Of course.
What a cute little head.
Ew.
Couldn't go a little further
from the tent?
What do you want from me? There
could be gorillas out here, ready to kill.
Well, why don't you get them to give you
some Flomax or something.
Yep, getting older. I'll give you that.
Can you sing to me?
Um, sure.
What should I sing?
Somewhere over the rainbow
Way up high
There's a land that I heard of
Once in a lullaby
Someday I'll wish upon a star
And wake up where the clouds
Are far behind me
Where troubles melt like lemon drops
Away above the chimney tops
That's where
You'll find me
- There's a gorilla right there!
- Aah!
I'm just kidding! I'm sorry!
I'm sorry, I just couldn't handle how
emotional it was getting. I just... I'm sorry.
Get some rest.
I didn't mean to do that to you.
So get in your stance. That's right.
And spread your legs just a little bit.
Like an inch.
Elbow up. It's all about balance.
That's right. That's right.
Keep your weight right there.
How do you even play cricket?
We're not playing cricket.
We're playing baseball.
The only thing at the hotel they had
was this stupid battle thingamajiggy.
Who's that guy?
He's some guy named Dale.
Uh, he'll be pitching to you.
Yeah, in cricket we don't pitch,
we bowl.
Hey, Dale.
How much am I paying you?
Five Brooklyn T-shirts
from your sporting goods store.
Okay, I'm gonna make it four
if you correct me again.
All right, Dale. Pitch...
Or bowl one in.
- I stink at this.
- No, it's not you. It's not you.
Dale, you think maybe you can reach
the plate? That would help.
Actually, in cricket we bounce the...
I'll try. I'll try.
All right.
Elbow up. Come on. Get there.
I don't wanna do this!
Hey. What are you doing?
You don't throw your bat.
Or whatever this thing is called.
- A bat.
- Thank you.
You're an athlete. You're a sportsman.
You gotta respect your equipment.
- Yes, sir.
- We ain't leaving here...
...till you hit the ball
as good as you ride an ostrich.
Pick up the bat.
Hey. I know you're up there all alone.
It's scary.
You feel like all the pressure's on you.
But guess what?
The pressure is on him.
Doesn't look like
he's feeling the pressure.
Oh, he's feeling it all right. He doesn't
think he can get the ball past you.
I want you to look him right in the eyes
and let him know you own him.
Go ahead.
That's it, big time.
Give him the stink eye.
What's his problem?
Well, look at that. You rattled him.
Okay. Dale, pitch it in if ya got the guts.
Whoa!
Yes! Did you see that? I killed it!
Let's do it a hundred more times.
If I hit like that, my dad's gonna start
coming to my games.
What's going on here?
Jim just taught me how to make
the pitcher my bitch.
Ah-ah-ah.
My brother doesn't need you
to teach him how to hit!
Okay. You wanna show him how to do it?
Let's see what you got.
I don't need to prove
anything to you, d-bag.
Dale, did he really
just call me a d-bag?
This shit just got real.
I'm gonna kill you.
Okay, we'll see. Let's get your gloves up.
Face protected.
Kick his ass, Brendan!
- What's that?
- Kick his ass, Jim!
Uh-huh. Whoa! Whoa, whoa.
You see, you gotta look at your target.
How about I put a picture of your babysitter
on my face? Will you look at it then? Huh?
- Oh, yeah, yeah.
- Just leave her out of this!
Use your right hand.
You're better with that one.
- All right, all right. Boom.
- Oh!
- You seem pissed at me.
- You just hit me!
No! Before that. Before that,
like when we first met.
- Just think that my mom could do better.
- First of all, she can't do better.
Because no one's better than me.
I am the greatest.
Secondly, I think it's nice
that you wanna protect your mommy.
I hate you!
Whoa, whoa, whoa. Calm down. Calm down.
That was good though.
Showing a little something in there.
Listen, being a man...
...ain't about pissing and moaning
anytime something's bothering you.
It's about dealing with what's
in front of you. So deal with me.
Are you okay?
That was sneaky. But I'm fine.
Does that make me a man now, Jimbo?
No.
Asking me if I was okay, that was a start.
They are blending
They are bonding
Yeah, that's great. Didn't know you guys
worked out together, but it makes sense.
When one person
Meets another
Come together
Oh, they are blending
And then what happened?
The bowler threw it,
and I hit it like a mile away.
Yeah. And then Jim taught me
how to box.
And after 5 minutes,
I basically knocked him out.
Yeah!
Well, that was nice of him.
Kind of worked out well,
they came on this trip.
Yes, it did.
Lauren, you looked so hot in this dress,
I had to buy it for you.
And by "buy," I mean "steal."
Hope you're having fun on my vacation.
So its tongue was ridiculous.
It got me, like, all over.
It was, like, in balls.
They were like:
Like a stem going against each
other, head-to-head.
Dad. Did you comb your hair?
No. Got out of the shower like this,
I guess.
You took a shower?
I shower! I'm allowed to shower.
My God.
- I haven't taken a shower since we got here.
- I know. You stink. I love it.
Yeah, I stink bad.
Yeah, you stink real bad.
Your breath smells terrible.
Where's Lauren?
Wow.
- Look at Mom.
- Hello.
Dad! Say something to her.
Yes, yes. You look very, very nice.
Oh, well, thank you. You showered.
Am I really known as the non-shower guy?
I shower all the time, guys.
No, he doesn't.
Ladies and gentlemen...
...it's the final night...
...of our blended family experience
here in Africa.
Our tradition is to invite the kiddies
to the pool area...
...for our famous kids-only
safari buffet...
...and 10-foot chocolate
rain forest fountain!
Can we go, Dad?
All right, go ahead.
Stay with you sisters though.
My boy here's a chocoholic.
You better watch out.
Or he's gonna jump in and come out
looking like a handsome Hershey bar.
Did you see that?
I made him smile. He tried not to
but he couldn't help himself.
- We're gonna be a great family.
- Yes, we are.
Love you.
All of the little ones have gone.
Tonight the dining room is:
Adults-only.
Yeah, now we're getting there.
Let's have all you blended lovers
on the dance floor.
Love
Is a many blended thing
It's the April rose
That only grows
In the early spring
It's crazy, huh?
The song.
He took the word "splendid"
and replaced it with "blended."
So clever. It rhymes!
But, the real word is "splendored."
So wouldn't it be "blendored"?
What's this now?
I'm just rambling. I'm sorry. What...?
- Heh.
- Are you ready, Mr. Chiapetolis?
"Chiapetolis"? All right. He finally got it.
- Heh. Ready for what?
- You scheduled a star-gazing experience.
So...
...Mrs. Chiapetolis,
would you like to come join me?
- Oh. Yeah.
- All right.
Once
High on a windy hill
Or two hills, that's good
On a morning mist,
Two lovers kiss
Just a little bit farther.
- All right. Thank you.
- Okay.
Here we are.
Dinner for two.
Oh, yeah.
Wow.
This is good.
I gotta give it up to Dick. He's probably
the most romantic guy on the planet.
Yeah, he's got the moves.
No doubt about it.
I bet this is where
he was gonna ask Jen to marry him.
Maybe.
We were able to get everything
you asked for this morning...
...except the sticks of cheese
in the shape of a heart.
Cheese sticks?
Did you set this up?
I wanted a do-over.
For that first date fiasco.
I'm better than that.
Which means:
"Lovers long for the moment their souls
may blend in a whisper."
- Mm.
- May this be your moment.
Did you eat pork chops...
...with tuna fish today at lunch?
- Yes, I did.
- I can tell.
Apologies. I will brush my teeth presently,
Mr. Lollipopolis.
I'd brush them twice.
And did you really call me "Lollipopolis"?
It's Theodopolis. Just for the record.
I know. I just like to have fun...
...Jim Friedman.
:a::;;?
- That was good.
- Thank you, Mfana.
How about Thathoo
showing up everywhere?
They were in my shower this morning.
I had a very nice time with them too.
There she is.
Oh, thank you so much.
Hey, Bubbles.
Nice wiggle, but you grew a tail. Ha-ha-ha.
Here's looking at you.
No, really. Looking at you, because
you're actually looking at me this time.
You...
...have the most beautiful...
...kids.
- Oh. Thank you.
- Sure.
You're a great mom too.
You're a pretty good mom yourself.
I'll take that.
Tyler has a playoff game
on Saturday...
Yeah?
...and I think that...
...for the very first time, he won't actually
be completely dreading it, thanks to you.
Tell your... His father the more he works
with him, the more he's gonna get confident...
...the more he's gonna belt the ball
anytime he gets up there.
Yeah, well, his dad's not really
into working with him, you know...
...because to do that, he'd have to
show up, which he's just not good at.
You gotta show up for your kids.
It should be boring
how reliable a parent is.
It's funny to me
that some people don't get that. You do!
I mean, your kid needs to come
first 100 percent of the time.
Absolutely. 99 percent.
One percent of the time, I think we
are allowed to get what we want.
Aah. God.
I forgot what it was like
to want something.
I vaguely remember it feels good.
I can't do this.
I can't do this. I'm sorry.
I really... I'm... It's not you.
I thought I could do this. I just...
Sorry about them too.
They're still awesome.
Sorry I did that to you.
He didn't kiss you?
He's an idiot.
Although, you have to admit.
The monkeys playing the violins and stuff?
That is hilarious.
I can't believe that we both
found these great guys...
...and we're not gonna end up with them.
Are you gonna get that?
Hi. It's not a good time right now.
I L word you so hard.
And you know what? I
am gonna make L word to you...
...for at least an hour and a half.
Okay-
That was my mom.
And she's doing good.
All right.
I'm giving Dick another chance.
To do what? Get rid of his kids?
I'm gonna meet his children. Heh.
You should try saying that
without contorting your face so much.
I'm gonna meet his children.
Heh. Better.
I'm sorry about Jim.
Me too.
Why didn't you kiss her, man?
I couldn't. I just...
I was afraid
it wasn't the right thing to do.
What did Africa do to you?
- That doesn't hurt. Stop.
- Ow.
I'm trying my best. Just sit still.
- Does it look pretty?
- It looks fantastic. Yeah.
Yay.
Ha-ha-ha. No.
- You look nice.
- Oh, thanks.
- Where you off to?
- Oh, I'm going on a date with Jake.
How can you go out with Jake?
He lives in Vancouver.
Hi, Mr. Friedman.
Yay there, Skeletor.
Listen, make sure plenty of beef.
Seriously. She's got tryouts this week.
Lamb chops, pork chops, tri-tips.
You got it.
That's the way.
Garbage twisties?
- I don't know how to...
- You're awful.
Just fix it then.
So when are we gonna see Lauren again?
Something happened between you guys.
No. What are you, crazy? Nothing happened.
Dad, come on.
I saw the way you looked at her.
- And I saw the way she looked at you.
- It's undeniable.
- You guys are infatuated with each other.
- Jake, butt out.
Sorry, sir.
Don't you guys have anything better to do
than look at people looking at each other?
Besides, what am I supposed to do?
Change our whole lives
just because I'm in love with her?
Yes!
Wow.
Aah! So romantic!
Loving it! Taking a risk. Go get her, baby!
I know I confused you.
I just had to make sure.
For my wife and for my kids.
And for your kids. And for you. And...
Just so we have no lies.
It was me who drank your beer at Hooters.
I don't know why I did that.
I get free beers there...
...so it was just panic then.
Yeah?
This is 323, right?
Yeah.
I was looking for Lauren.
You and me both.
Jim!
Big time! Look at you!
Mom's not home. This is my dad.
Mark.
Yeah. Who are you?
Jim! The cool guy from the safari.
Do you wanna "bowl" me a few pitches?
I'm sure your father
wants to do that with you.
No, he doesn't.
No, no, no, no. Go get your bat, big time.
Hey! We can all play!
I'll get Brendan's glove. He never uses it.
Boy, he hasn't shut up about that Africa trip.
Your kids are incredible.
Yeah.
That's why Lauren and I are, you know,
trying to make things work again.
For them.
- I didn't know that.
- Yeah.
I'll tell her you came by.
And I'll put these in the bedroom...
...next to where we make love.
Okay-
Tell Tyler I said goodbye.
Where's Jim going?
He had stuff to do, I guess.
- Can you and me play then?
- Yeah, of Co...
Ooh. Saved by the bell.
Hey, what's up?
YOU busy?
- Hi.
- Oh, hi.
Is there a GQ photo shoot going on here?
Oh, no. I'm just, uh... I'm just chilling.
I'm sorry that took so long.
Thank you for watching after the boys.
I'm done now and I'm guessing
you have somewhere you gotta go so...
How do you always look so great?
Yeah? It's my
haven't-washed-my-hair-in-three-days look.
Thanks for noticing.
Heh. You're so funny.
It's hard for me to imagine you
with someone else.
Really? It wasn't hard for you
to imagine yourself...
...with someone else
when you cheated on me.
You always bring it back to that.
I could say, "Hey, look at that house."
And you'd say, "Oh, we lived in a house
when you cheated on me."
Or I could say, "Pass that pickle."
And you could say, I don't know.
Something about a pickle
and you cheating on me.
It's fun to laugh with you again, Lauren.
We used to do that all the time.
You brought flowers?
Yeah.
Why'd you bring flowers?
Because you deserve flowers.
Lauren, when you went away to Africa,
I did a lot of thinking.
You and I, we have so much history together.
Two boys.
One receptionist.
Look, I made a mistake!
You made it at least four mistakes
that I know of.
Made. Past tense.
I was a jerk.
Lauren, you were the best thing in my life.
You and the boys.
And boys need their fathers.
They do.
I know that I'm a good father.
I just need to prove it to them.
Well, you can! It's not too late.
Is it too late...
...for this?
What are you doing?
I'm coming home, baby.
Oh! Mark! Get off of me!
You don't live here anymore!
Is there someone else?
Heh. No.
And that's none of your business anyway.
You're interested in being a good father?
Tyler has a game on Saturday. Be there.
Dad?
I didn't mean to wake you. Sorry.
I was talking to Mom before bed.
- Mm-hm.
- And...
...she says she has a lot of stuff to do.
She does?
Yeah. So she might not be able
to hang around as much.
Okay-
She also said you need to increase
my allowance to 5 dollars.
She's very generous.
I just...
I don't want her to disappear.
Sweetheart, she's never gonna disappear.
Never ever.
You can let her go.
She will always be right here.
And I will always be here. I promise you.
By the way...
...Mom loved the Africa trip.
So did I.
I miss her.
Your mother was the greatest.
I mean Lauren.
Me too.
We don't have to let go of her too, do we?
Come here.
Brendan, don't forget
that I'm picking you up for Scouts...
...so don't take the bus home.
Thanks for telling everyone
I'm still in Scouts, Mom.
You're a good boy. Be proud of who you are.
Love you.
Say one word and you're dead.
You're driving a minivan.
It's Dick's.
I'm off to buy toilet paper
for Team Theodopolis.
When the team needs toilet paper,
the co-captain goes and gets it.
And believe me,
those kids never stop crapping.
Kids need to crap.
You need anything from Walmart?
I'm good.
- See you at the PTA meeting.
- Okay, foxy.
Yeah! Base on!
This is so good, honey.
- This is family.
- This is fun for me.
- Way to go, Dad.
- One out to go.
But Standard Fence has a rally going.
Now batting, number 23, Tyler Reynolds.
- Hey, that's not nice!
- Shut up. That kid's awful.
Go Tyler!
Tracy.
What's your head doing here?
Strike one!
I'm so sorry Mark didn't show up.
He just doesn't get it, you know? Your kids
have to come first 100 percent of the time.
Well, like, 99 percent.
You get one percent for yourself.
- That's great news.
- Heh.
Well, no matter what,
you have to show up for your kids.
Like him.
- Hey, hey! All right, big time!
- Come on, Tyler!
Looking good out there!
Get that elbow up!
Elbow up!
Incredible.
Come on, Tyler.
Strike two!
All right, all right!
Nice cut, nice cut. Slow it down a little bit.
Bend those knees. Balance, okay?
Take care of this. That's it.
Elbow up. Higher, higher.
Now, remember the stink eye.
The mustache is rattled.
Come on, Tyler, let's go!
Take them deep.
You hit it!
Run, Tyler, run!
Keep going, brother! Go!
Go now!
Don't hesitate. Come, come!
Come to me, big time!
Go! Run to me!
Keep it going, Tyler!
We're going home, baby!
We're going home!
Safe!
Yeah! Yes!
Do you believe in miracles?
Yeah! Whoo!
Yeah! That's my brother!
Ha, ha! Whoo.
Thank you.
All you in there, big time.
Oh, my God!
What are you doing?
I love you!
That was amazing.
I'm so sorry to show up like this.
I was at your house the other day...
...and I saw your ex-husband blow off
Tyler when he wanted to practice.
I know you guys are trying to work it out,
but it broke my heart.
We're not working it out.
That's never gonna happen.
Really?
What were you doing at my house?
I came by to tell you that...
...I think it's okay now.
Okay for what?
Okay to have one of those
rare, rare moments...
...where we get what we want.
Oh.
Well, what do we want?
You know what we want.
Yeah. I think the kids want it too.
Not as much as I do there,
schlumpy shoulders.
Wait.
I can't do this.
You're kidding me.
Heh. Totally.
I just had to get you back for Africa.
Come on.
You know something?
Your mom is hot.
Your dad's pretty hot too.
Not hot.
Come on, you deserve a nice massage.
- Ow! Oh, it's good.
- Come on, you like that.
- Oh, it hurts so good.
- Sorry.
Look, they're blending
Hearts are mending
Sad times ending
Good times spending
With love
Kids are friending
Wedding trending
Blending, friending, blending, friending
Movie ending