1
(SPEAKING FRENCH)
There is something
we could show you?
Pajamas. Will you be so
good as to step this way?
May I call monsieur's
attention to the fact
we are featuring a special
sale at reduced prices
of raincoats, umbrellas, tennis
racquets and portable phonographs.
I want some pajamas.
(SPEAKING FRENCH)
May I interest monsieur
in a new men's perfume?
In these days of greater
equality between the sexes,
perfume should not be the
privilege of ladies only.
It is the contention of our
management that the man who smells
is a thing of the future.
You ought to go along way.
(SPEAKING FRENCH)
Service, Mr. Lelong.
Pajamas, size 42.
Thank you, monsieur.
Monsieur interested in neckwear?
A very becoming tie, monsieur.
We have the same
in maroon, dark green,
orange, blue, and a
very discreet pink.
Perhaps monsieur
would prefer a bow tie?
No, thanks.
(SPEAKING FRENCH)
Not even in Paris could monsieur
find a wider selection.
(CLEARING THROAT) I'll take this one.
How much?
200 francs.
Here's 100.
I just want the tops.
What?
I don't want the
pants, just the tops.
Oh, I'm very sorry, monsieur, but we don't
sell the jackets without the pantalon.
But I don't sleep in pantalon,
and I don't buy
stuff I don't use.
What monsieur wants
is a nightshirt.
No, I don't want a nightshirt.
Take the 100 francs
and wrap it up.
Why, it's a case
without precedent.
We have no authority.
I've had this argument
all over the world.
If it's a question of price,
monsieur, there are cheaper pajamas.
It's not a question of price,
it's a matter of principle.
This pajama business is a racket,
and I don't fall for it.
90% of the male population
don't sleep in pajama pants,
don't want pajama pants,
yet buy pajama pants.
Be honest. How about you?
I'm an exceptional case, monsieur.
I sleep with just a muffler.
And I, for my part,
sleep with...
Never mind. Do I get
the coat or don't I?
This is a revolutionary
request, monsieur.
I must consult my superior.
Just one moment.
(INAUDIBLE)
(TELEPHONE RINGING)
Residence of monsieur de la Coste.
Very well, monsieur.
They're calling from
your store, monsieur.
Monsieur the Vice President wishes
to speak to Monsieur the President
on a very important matter.
Yes, what is it? What?
Oh, no, no. Never, never.
Why, that is communism.
Can't you sell him anything else?
What about a straw hat?
Monsieur, the management feels
that to sell a pair of pajamas
without the trousers
would create a precedent,
and the consequences
might prove disastrous.
Now, our president
says we've had
enough trouble in
Europe as it is,
and he wonders if you
would be kind enough
to look at a selection
of straw hats?
You tell your president
that if I can't buy
pajamas without
the trousers, I'll...
I'll buy the trousers.
Yes, I may buy the trousers.
How do you do?
How do you do, madame?
How do you do, madame?
How do you do?
I'm looking for pajamas
for a gentleman,
and for his purpose
the trousers are enough.
SALESMAN: A very
fortunate solution.
Yes, it certainly is.
Provided we can agree on the color
and the pattern, of course.
Well, how about this blue pair?
Oh, heavens, no. It's too dark.
I like to see something gay
in the morning, don't you?
Not too darned gay. There's not
a laugh in me before breakfast.
Oh, you should try to
brighten up your life.
Now, let's see.
How about this one?
Stripes? I hate stripes.
(LAUGHS)
Oh, now, that's funny. When I was
standing at the other counter,
I was watching you. You were?
Oh, I hope you don't mind.
Not a bit.
Well, I said to myself, now if I had
to select pajamas for that gentleman,
what would I choose?
And let me tell you, if ever there
was a stripey type, it's you.
(GIGGLING)
(MUMBLING)
Why don't you try it on?
All right.
(INDISTINCT CHATTERING)
What do you think? Stunning.
These things are so loud
I'd hear them in the dark.
I have enough trouble
getting to sleep.
(EXCLAIMS) You don't look
like a martyr to insomnia.
Really. It's no joke.
I don't sleep well.
Well, surely you can't
blame it on the pajamas.
I guess you're right.
It's probably the climate.
Now, don't blame it on the Riviera.
I resent that.
We have the best climate in the world
here, and we're very proud of it.
I'm sorry, I don't want to hurt
your feelings, but I don't sleep.
Maybe you should see a doctor.
(SIGHS) By the way, how
many pillows do you use?
None.
Did you ever try putting two
pillows under your feet?
No. Don't do it. It's very bad.
Oh, do you know
what might help you?
The method of
Professor Urganzeff.
What's that?
Well, you take a long word,
like "Czechoslovakia"
for instance,
and you spell it backwards.
I can't even spell it forward.
Oh, you should try it just once.
As you spell it backwards, you stretch
and yawn between each letter.
(GASPS) You'll drift
off in no time.
Sounds swell.
You'll take the stripes?
I'll take the stripes.
All right, I'll take the coat.
And I'll take the trousers.
How shall we divide the charges?
Well, that should be simple.
The whole pajamas cost...
200 francs. Well, 50-50.
Oh, that's not fair. You
should pay more for the coat.
But there's more
material in the pants.
But don't forget I threw
in Professor Urganzeff.
Oh, about this "Czechoslovakia."
When do I do it?
You go to bed and turn out the
lights, and then you start.
Oh, it's wonderful and so easy.
A-I-K...
(MOANING)
You only have to
worry about "Slovakia."
By the time you reach
"Czech" you're fast asleep.
All right, I'll pay 125.
Very well, monsieur.
That makes 125 for monsieur,
and 75 francs for madame.
Will you be so kind as to
pay cashier number nine?
Right here, please.
You will receive your packages
at the adjoining counter.
Thank you.
It must be pretty
nice for a husband
to have a wife who picks
up bargains for him.
Kind of restores
your faith in marriage.
I'm sorry to shatter
your illusions.
I'm not buying these
trousers for a husband.
(EXCLAIMS)
Well, you see, madame...
Or is it mademoiselle?
It's kind of
tough for a foreigner.
Sometimes you say madame
when it's mademoiselle,
and sometimes you
say mademoiselle...
Now, look here,
I think I can help you.
You want to know if I'm married?
Yes. I'm not.
(EXCLAIMS) Well, I'm a
pretty tall man, you know.
(LAUGHS) Oh, so I see.
Well, it's kind of
hard to believe that
someone who is
as little and as dainty
and, as you French say,
as petite as you
could have such a big brother.
I have no brother.
Well, don't tell me you're buying
those pajamas for yourself.
After all, I'm 6'3".
(LAUGHS) There are other
tall men in the world.
(SPEAKING FRENCH)
Goodbye, monsieur.
Goodbye, mademoiselle. Goodbye.
Make it snappy, will you?
(SPEAKING FRENCH)
Tell me, who was that lady?
Oh, she's very charming,
isn't she, monsieur?
Well, I know that,
but who is she?
The story writes
itself, doesn't it?
What do you mean?
Well, a beautiful lady buys
a pair of pajamas
for a gentleman.
She has no husband. She
has no brother. Voila.
Voil what? A lady in love.
(GRUNTS) You Frenchmen always think
the worst. Maybe it was for an uncle.
Oh, no, monsieur. For an
uncle, you buy a pipe.
But why did she
buy just the pants?
Love has its own
secrets, monsieur.
(CHUCKLES)
(SPEAKING FRENCH)
How about a straw hat, monsieur?
(SHOUTS) Leave me alone.
A-I...
(YAWNING LOUDLY)
A-I-K...
(YAWNING) ...A-V...
(BRANDON SNORING)
It doesn't work.
Give us one more
chance, monsieur.
I'm certain that you
will like Apartment 418.
There's nothing wrong with the
apartment downstairs. It's that ocean.
But this is a different floor.
But it's the same ocean.
But don't forget, monsieur, that
up here you're 22 feet higher.
What sounds like a wild
ocean on the third floor,
on the fourth, sounds like a little
difficulty with the plumbing.
There.
Voil, monsieur. This is the most
exquisite suite on the Riviera.
Show me the bedroom. If you
please, monsieur, this way.
This, monsieur, is the most elegant
bedchamber in our entire...
Hello. Hello.
And now if monsieur would inspect
the rest of the apartment?
If you please, monsieur.
Does he go with the place? No,
no, monsieur. It is nothing.
Just a slight misunderstanding.
If you please.
(INDISTINCT MUMBLING)
Monsieur le Marquis,
you have caused
this hotel grave embarrassment.
You had ample
warning to move out.
I have not yet
given up this apartment.
You have been moved
to Apartment 53.
Next to the servants'
quarters? Never.
May I remind you
that you haven't paid
your bills for the
last two months?
And may I remind you that I am heartily
disgusted with the food in this hotel?
You are in no position to complain.
Last Wednesday, for instance.
That steak was tough.
Maybe it was.
But that was no reason for you
to disturb the whole dining room
by calling for
a hammer and chisel.
I do not permit any such criticism of
my behavior from a hotel employee.
Then why don't you leave the hotel?
I will.
Not before you've paid
your 60,000 francs.
You're going to be paid,
to the last sou.
(SCOFFS) I've heard
that before, monsieur.
Oh, you'll regret
this, my good man.
I am in communication with an
American multi-millionaire.
(GRUNTS)
I have submitted to him a business
proposition of such magnitude
that the mention of 60,000
francs makes me laugh.
Has he accepted?
Well, he hasn't refused.
I mailed my letter Monday.
Well, you can wait for your
answer in Apartment 53.
I will not.
Unless these rooms are vacated in one
hour, we'll clear them by force.
(TELEPHONE RINGING)
This is the Marquis
de Loiselle speaking.
I'-.-'Ir. Brandon? Oh, I'-.-'Ir.
Brandon, how do you do?
Bonjour, bonjour,
bonjour, Mr. Brandon.
Did you get my letter,
Mr. Brandon?
What do you think
about my proposition?
Hello? Hello?
You're talking from New York?
From New York?
(TALKING LOUDLY) Oh, I thought you
were in Nice, I'-.-'Ir. Brandon.
I said, I thought you were
in Nice, I'-.-'Ir. Brandon.
Can you hear me? Hello?
Mr. Brandon. Mr. Brandon.
What? You want to
speak to Mr. Brandon?
(EXCLAIMS)
Hold it. I'm coming. Thanks.
New York? Brandon speaking.
How's the market, Jeff?
Canadian General dropped to 85?
Buy 300,000 more. How's Pacific Limited?
Fine. Sell it.
Add another $500,000 and buy Gusher
Petroleum to the whole amount.
Yeah.
Did you get an estimate on
the tin factory at Peepeck?
$2,125,000?
It's a bargain. Buy it. Operator.
Don't interrupt, Operator.
I know it's three minutes.
Hello, Jeff.
Say, did you read
the Sunday paper?
How did Flash Gordon get out
of that burning submarine?
He didn't? Oh,
not till next Sunday?
All right. Send me a wire.
So long. Thanks.
(STUTTERING) Just a second.
I'-.-'Ir. Brandon.
Yes? I am the Marquis
de Loiselle.
How do you do? I'm very
glad to have met you.
Well, well, well,
don't you know who I am?
Well, you just told me.
A marquis.
Well, that's somewhere between
a count and a duke, isn't it?
I wrote to you about
a business proposition.
Well, I get 100 business
propositions a day.
What did you say your name was?
De Loiselle.
L-O-I-S-E-L-L-E.
Oh, Mr. Loiselle.
Sure, I remember.
Well, what do you
think about my idea?
Great. Isn't it?
One of the best projects
ever submitted to me.
Terrific possibilities. It's a gold mine.
Millions in it, millions.
Then you'll do it? No.
Why not? It isn't worth a nickel
unless it's handled right.
Oh, naturally, Mr. Brandon.
But with my experience?
Let me tell you what I've done.
Don't bother. I know
everything about you.
For instance, in 1924,
why did you induce
a Mr. Bernier to finance
automobile races?
Why, he was a very rich man. He had
the money. I had the experience.
When the races were over, you had the
money and he had the experience.
Your bank account is
overdrawn 10,675 francs.
How did you know that?
If a man wants to do
business with me,
I have to know
everything about him.
Always check up.
Always investigate.
Oh, that's an excellent idea.
This world is full of scoundrels.
You bet it is.
So long, Mr. Loiselle.
But, Mr. Brandon...
I'm sorry, I'm a busy man.
I'-.-'Ir. Brandon, if you won't
finance my business project,
would you be interested
in buying a bathtub?
A what? I have in my possession
one of the glories of France, the
one and only bathtub of Louis XIV.
Sorry, I use a shower.
Oh, but you wouldn't
have to use it as a tub.
You could put it in your
library, use it as an ashtray.
Always throw my
ashes on the carpet.
Carpet. Carpet.
I can sell you a carpet.
Mr. Brandon. Mr. Brandon.
Mr. Brandon. Mr. Brandon.
No, no, no. I'm sorry.
I tell you I can't...
Aren't you ashamed?
A man of your age
fooling around
with a sweetheart.
You know that, too.
I only have to look at your
pants, and I know everything.
My pantalon? Oh, I must
apologize, of course.
They certainly don't match, and
they are very much too long,
but you see... Well, you
know my financial situation.
My daughter tries to economize.
Your daughter?
She bought these
for me yesterday.
My coat': Still good, you see.
The girl who
bought those pants...
Is my daughter.
Is she married? No.
Engaged? No.
In love with anyone? No, no, no.
I'll buy the bathtub.
You'll buy the bathtub,
Mr. Brandon?
Don't call me Mr. Brandon. Call me Mike.
We're gonna be related.
It's only a matter of form. Do
you want to know something?
I'm beginning to
believe in pants.
If you hadn't worn those pants,
I never would have
bought that bathtub.
Do you want to know
something else?
We're going to celebrate our honeymoon
in Czechoslovakia. Yes, sir.
(YODELING)
Albert.
Nicole.
Hello, Nicole.
Hello. I'm sorry I'm late.
I was detained at
the beauty shop.
That's all right, Nicole.
Right in the middle
of a manicure,
the proprietor came in and presented
me with last month's bill.
Did you pay him?
What do you think?
You know, the same thing happened
to me once with a doctor,
in the middle of an operation.
Do you realize I'm probably the only
living man with just one tonsil?
(LAUGHS) Albert, I'd like
to talk to you seriously.
Do you think that's
possible, by any chance?
Money troubles?
Let's sit down.
(PEOPLE CHATTERING)
Oh, it's terrible.
We owe everybody.
Have you ever had a waiter look
at you with un-tipped eyes?
And the elevator boy.
When I say, "Fourth floor,"
he says, "Yes, mademoiselle,"
and makes a detour
through the basement.
It's humiliating.
Oh, I wish I could help you.
You can. You're the only
person I know who works.
Albert, how does one get a job?
Well, what can you do, Nicole?
Nothing. Absolutely nothing. You know,
it's incredible how useless I am.
I was thinking about it last night,
and I got terribly depressed.
And then I remembered that you found
a job, and that encouraged me a lot.
Hello.
Hello.
Someone you know?
I met him once.
Who is he?
All I know is he only sleeps
in the tops of his pajamas.
Oh, I see.
Hey, you.
Are you speaking to me?
(CHUCKLES) I beg your pardon.
I mean him.
Oh, he can't talk
to me like that.
I should hope not.
Well, don't worry,
I'll show him.
Good.
Well? Well?
Well, good morning.
(CLEARS THROAT) Morning.
Mind if I sit down? Sit down.
You know, I was just saying
to the lady I'm with, I said,
"Look, who's that good-looking
chap over there?" Yes.
You know, your face
looks familiar to me.
Oh, I know where we met. At the
races at Deauville last summer.
I wasn't at Deauville last
year, and neither were you.
I beg your pardon. You can't speak
to me like that. How dare you?
(RAISING VOICE) I said I was at the
races last summer. You weren't.
I wasn't? No.
(EXCLAIMS)
(GROANS)
(SOFTLY) How do you know?
I know everything about you.
You're the Count de Regnier.
You're a bank clerk, Paris branch
of the New York Discount Bank.
You get 2,000 francs a month,
and you're not worth it.
You work in Room Six
at the desk by the window,
and you spend most of your
time looking out the window.
Are you a detective?
No, I own the bank.
(STUTTERING) Oh, Mr. Brandon.
It's my boss.
Better not be
too rough with him.
Well, I don't know.
At your service, Mr. Brandon.
What are you doing
on the Riviera anyway,
when your vacation
was over last Friday?
Oh, was it? It's amazing
how time flies, isn't it?
Since you're here, you might
as well act as my secretary.
Yes, sir.
Take a letter. Yes, sir.
"Museum of Fine Arts, Hannibal,
Michigan." That's my hometown.
"Gentlemen,
within the next few days,"
"I am shipping you
the bathtub of Louis XIV."
You bought it?
Soon as I saw
your father's pants.
"They tell me said
bathtub is genuine.
"I can't guarantee this because I
wasn't around when Louis was bathing.
"But, in any case, it cost plenty.
Yours truly," and so forth.
Go to Room 307, type that and wait for me.
Here's the key.
Yes, sir. Sorry, Nicole.
I understand.
Still crazy about me?
(LAUGHS) Oh, it would be hard to
resist a man of your natural charm
and finesse, Mr. Brandon.
I love the delicate way
you talk to your employees
and still indicate that you're
not quite pleased with them.
You seem to be
a man full of innuendos.
I just try to make myself clear.
Are you staying here long?
Well, you never can tell.
You know, I'm pretty glad
I came to the Riviera.
Oh, yes, it's a lovely place.
Beautiful.
But the class of people who come
here gets worse every year.
And this year we seem to have
next year's crowd already.
It's been interesting
to meet you, Mr. Brandon.
How about marrying me?
How did you get here?
Just called the French navy.
A battleship dropped me.
Oh, yes, I forgot.
You're an important person.
Say, can I talk business with you?
Business?
I have a complaint.
Czechoslovakia.
Didn't it work?
It made matters worse. It reminded
me of you, I never shut an eye.
I couldn't get
you out of my mind.
A couple more nights like that
and I'd be a nervous wreck.
I'm in a bad way. You know,
I'm crazy about you.
Why, poor Mr. Brandon.
It's no joke.
The minute I saw you in that
store, I said to myself,
"There's the girl
I'm going to marry."
Does that seem kind of sudden?
Oh, no, no. A man in your
position can't waste time.
I believe in snap judgments.
That's the foundation of my business
and the secret of my success.
I act on the spur of the moment.
I act on impulse.
Now, Mr. Brandon,
don't be too spontaneous.
I hate overtures. Lovemaking
is the red tape of marriage.
It doesn't get you anywhere. I could
take you out for three months
and send you flowers
and all that flapdoodle,
and I wouldn't know any more
about you than I do right now.
It's only after the
marriage that you find out.
That you've got the wrong girl.
Or the right one.
Love and business, it's just
the same, you have to gamble.
You have to take chances.
Only yesterday
I took a chance in oil.
(EXCLAIMS) How is oil?
Fine. Went up five points.
How's steel?
Not so good. Say, are you
interested in finance?
(LAUGHING) I should say I am.
Gee, that's swell. We're
going to have a great time.
Yes.
(BOTH LAUGHING)
What do you say?
Pardon me, Mr. Brandon.
Was it "Yours very truly"
or "Very truly yours"?
Make it "Sincerely." Yes, sir.
Now, where were we?
On the stock market.
Oh, stop kidding. I'm asking
you to marry me, seriously.
Oh, let's not be
too hasty, Mr. Brandon.
Don't you want to know a little
something more about me?
Ask me a few questions before you
definitely make up your mind?
No. Not even how I feel
about this matter?
(LAUGHS) Well, I...
Oh, no, perhaps that doesn't
occur to a man with $50 million.
I haven't $50 million.
You haven't $50 million?
Not quite.
Oh, well, Mr. Brandon.
A man with your manners can't possibly
afford to have less than $50 million.
You're behaving
beyond your income.
I'll make the rest
of it if you say so.
I'm sure you will, any
morning before breakfast.
I'-.-'Ir. Brandon, you're terrific.
You're gigantic. You're breathtaking.
I wish someone would tell you
what I really think of you.
(MOTOR WHIRRING)
(BELL DINGING)
Come in.
How do you do, Mr. Brandon?
(DOOR CLOSING)
BRANDON: Hello, Albert.
(GROANING)
Don't you feel well, sir? Is
there anything I can do for you?
I'm all shot to pieces.
I can't sleep anymore.
Well, about that letter, I'-.-'Ir.
Brandon, to the Museum of Fine Arts...
Albert, if you want to
keep your job with me,
don't you ever remind me of it.
Never mention the Marquis
or that daughter of his.
No, sir.
Lay off of pajama pants.
Yes, sir. I don't
want to hear any more
about the Riviera. No, sir.
Don't speak to me about France, and
keep away from Czechoslovakia.
Well, if it meets with your approval,
sir, I won't say anything.
Albert, you're a very sweet guy.
I forget, how much
salary do you get?
2,000 francs a month.
Well, that's enough.
I shouldn't have come to the
Riviera in the first place.
Now don't talk about it anymore.
I want to forget
the whole darn...
What's that?
The bathtub, sir.
(SHOUTS) The what?
The bathtub of Louis XIV.
To say no to a man like that, a man who
wasn't even hit by the Depression.
I counted on it. I know you did.
Well, what are we
going to do now?
I thought we'd have all
the money in the world,
so I bought a few little things.
I had to have several new suits.
We needed a new car, Nicole,
and I've always wanted
to have a billiard table.
Father, you're going to
cancel everything you bought.
Oh, not everything. I still
have my 60,000 francs.
What 60,000 francs?
The check for the bathtub.
Give me that check.
He bought it.
He didn't want that bathtub. That
check is his down payment on me.
That's not true, Nicole.
He insisted upon buying it.
He's crazy about that bathtub.
Come in.
Is there any message? Yes.
Mr. Brandon said that you are...
Maurice. Why make an enemy?
Oh, all right. Leave it
here in the anteroom.
Give me that check. What?
Oh. But the family, Nicole. I promised
to pay all their hotel bills.
What hotel bills?
I telephoned Paris
and asked them all down for the
announcement of your engagement.
(SIGHS) Well, you call them up this
minute and tell them not to come.
Oh, Nicole, you know the family.
With their expenses paid,
they're on the train by now.
Give me that check.
Oh, well...
BRANDON: Come in.
Hello. I imagine you're
surprised to see me.
Not at all. I expected to.
Oh, you did.
Sure.
Well, you see, I've changed
my mind about you.
I knew you would.
I thought you were
a good businessman.
What's that?
Here's the check, Mr. Brandon.
And let this be a lesson to you.
Never buy a saddle on a chance
that the horse will be thrown in.
Now, look here. I don't want you
to get the wrong impression of me.
I never renege on a deal, but in
this case, it so happens that it...
Oh, don't worry, we release you.
What do you mean,
you release me?
You haven't got a leg
to stand on, legally.
(SIGHS) Now, look here, Mr. Brandon. I
came here in the most friendly spirit.
Yes, you did.
But that was a closed deal.
You bought a bathtub.
And I got a washbasin.
Why don't you call an expert?
All right,
let's get the plumber.
I'-.-'Ir. Brandon, I
know nothing whatsoever
about your education,
but King Louis XIV...
(LAUGHS) By the way, have you any
idea when Louis XIV reigned?
Well, from... From... To...
Well, I tell you,
it's a washbasin.
I warn you, Mr. Brandon, if you
question our business ethics,
we'll force you to go
through with the deal.
You're practically claiming that we've
sold you something under false pretenses.
You bought a wash...
I mean a bathtub.
No, you don't.
You mean a washbasin.
Give me that check.
Say, what kind of
a hotel is this, anyway?
The shower doesn't work, the
bathtub's out of kilter and...
Well, connect me
with the head mechanic.
Never mind.
Take a letter.
Yes, sir.
"Dear Mademoisefle Nicole. You
were right, and I was wrong."
"It can be done.
So please let me apologize"
"from the bottom
of your bathtub."
"From the bottom
of your bathtub."
"Whether the darn
thing is too short,
"or I am too long, is a question"
"I would like to
discuss with you at dinner."
"I'm sure that this more formal
approach will meet with your approval,"
"so shall we say 8:30 tonight?"
"shall we say..."
(CRASHING)
"I remain sincerely yours, Michael
Brandon." I'll sign it later.
It was a washbasin.
(WALTZ MUSIC PLAYING)
1643 to 1715. What?
Louis XIV.
You looked it up.
Born September the 5th, 1638. Came
to the throne at the age of five.
Won the Battle
of Steenkirke in 1692.
Got mixed up with
madame du Barry.
Died at 4:00 in the afternoon on
Friday, May the 10th, of smallpox.
That's sweet of you. Michael.
Yes, Nicole?
Ninety-five to ninety-seven
and a half. What?
Oil. It went up two and a half points.
I'm so glad.
Oh, I've never been
happier in my life.
And not on account ofthose
two and a half points.
Oh, wait a minute. Louis XIV
didn't die of smallpox.
That was Louis XV.
Oh. Well, I must have skipped a page.
Forgive me?
Oh, you know, when
I saw you first...
Do you mind if I
skip a few pages?
No.
I'm crazy about you.
(WEDDING MARCH PLAYING)
(SPEAKING FRENCH)
Mesdames et messieurs. We are
ready for the photograph.
When is this
wedding going to be?
In two weeks.
You'll get your money.
I'm surprised to say
I rather like you, Michael.
Thank you, Grandmother.
Michael. Don't call
her Grandmother.
That's Aunt Hedwige,
the head of the family.
If she had said
"no" to our engagement,
I still would marry you.
(CHUCKLES) Darling.
And when you talk
to my uncle from Vienna...
Oh, I know. I should
say "Your Highness."
No, that's not necessary.
Just call him Uncle Auguste.
But never say to an
Archduke, "Hey, Archie."
You just give me time.
I'll learn.
(SIGHS)
(LAUGHS) I haven't worn this
suit for quite a while.
What's that?
Rice.
Rice?
Sure. Don't you
use it over here?
Why, of course we do,
for puddings.
Oh, we use it for weddings. You throw
it at the bride and groom for luck.
(EXCLAIMS) Did it
bring them luck?
Well, we had
a pleasant six months.
What?
You... PHOTOGRAPHER: Smile, everybody.
Smile, please.
That's fine. One... Two...
Just a moment. We'll be right back.
Come, Michael.
Michael just wants
to tell me something.
(INDISTINCT CHATTERING)
Michael, you've been married?
Yes, but that's all right. My
decree's final. Do you mind?
No, I suppose not.
I thought you knew.
You didn't tell me.
Don't you read the American newspapers?
It was front-page stuff.
I thought your father was
very well-informed about me.
He only knows about
your bank account.
And all I know about you is I
liked you in a department store,
I hated you on a float, and I fell
in love with you over a bathtub.
Darling.
(SIGHS)
Oh, darling.
(SIGHS)
What was her name?
Marjorie. I called her Mug.
Why did you divorce?
Oh, well...
Did she do something wrong?
No, no.
She was a little jealous,
but there was no reason.
I told her I was
crazy about Linda.
Linda? Yes, Linda.
Then why didn't you marry Linda?
I did.
(EXCLAIMS)
Now, let me get this straight.
You divorced Marjorie because
she was jealous of Linda,
and you divorced Linda
on account of Marjorie?
No, no, you've got
it all wrong. You see,
I knew Marjorie
long before I met Linda.
Yes. And I was going
to marry Marjorie
when Elsie popped up.
(EXCLAIMS) And Elsie...
Am I boring you?
Oh, no, no. No. It's
all very interesting.
I like to get
your point of view.
You see, to me this is
a very important step.
I happen to believe in marriage.
So do I.
Where were we?
Elsie just popped up.
Say, this may take some time. We'd
better go and have the picture taken.
Michael, in one word, how many
times have you been married?
Well, you've heard
about Henry VIII?
You mean, six times?
No, seven.
You do believe in marriage. Seven
marriages and seven divorces.
No, only six. One died.
I beg your pardon?
A natural death.
(EXCLAIMS)
Well, shall we get
the picture over with?
Get it over with?
You mean just like a marriage?
Say, you're taking this
whole thing too seriously.
Oh, no, no. I'm just
being practical.
You see, today if I'm walking
on the street and someone calls.
"Mademoiselle de Loiselle,"
at least I know that's I.
But if someone calls "I'-.-'Mrs.
Brandon," it might cause a traffic jam.
And 10 years from now,
if you continue like this,
I might be trampled to death.
I'm just too much
of a coward. No, Michael.
(PEOPLE CHATTERING)
(WOMAN SCREAMING)
What's the matter?
It's a fainting spell.
Everyone out.
Out. Everyone out at once.
Where is this Mr. Brandon?
Where is this Mr. Brandon?
Young man, we've been
humiliated quite enough.
Now, just a minute...
Don't interrupt me.
I'm speaking as the
head of the family
de la Loiselle de la
Vertinier de la Courtoisie,
including the branch
of the Faussignac de Gascony,
and I suggest that you
take your hat and leave.
Get out of here.
Oh, getting tough, huh?
I'm not afraid of you.
Do you know what you are?
Now, look here, Grandmother...
Don't call her
Grandmother, I told you.
And don't you call him...
Well, anyhow, be careful.
And stop screaming
at each other.
If you want to quarrel,
go somewhere else.
(WHISPERS) Michael.
(WHISPERS) Yes, Aunt Hedwige?
You're the lowest
human being I ever met.
Is that so?
I never realized the depths to
which depravity could sink.
So I'm depraved, am I?
Well, what's a man gonna do when
he falls in love with a girl?
Why, marry her and stay married.
And if he finds
he's made a mistake?
Carry on behind her back,
lie, make excuses? Not me.
I think that's immoral.
Besides, I'm too busy.
And how about your poor wives?
They're much better
than before I married them.
Financially, I suppose.
You mean financially?
BRANDON: Exactly.
Keep quiet, Father.
You see, I make a clean-cut
pre-marriage settlement.
Pre-marriage settlement. Oh, that's
so romantic of you, Michael.
Well, I try to be fair. And in
case of divorce, she gets...
We're not interested
in your money.
Well, $50,000 a year for
life isn't to be laughed at.
We're discussing a matter
of the human heart.
What's $50,000?
Yes, what's $50,000?
Why, that's a million francs.
From government bonds.
You mean tax free?
Father, I want you
to keep out of this.
Achille de Loiselle,
if you let financial
considerations influence
you for a moment...
Why shouldn't we consider this
proposition from all angles?
Are you a father
or an auctioneer?
MARQUIS DE LOISELLE: I defy anyone to
question my motives in this matter.
Then you defy me.
I forbid this marriage,
absolutely and unconditionally.
I've had enough of your tyranny.
Aunt Hedwige, if you
oppose this marriage...
Will you be quiet, both of you?
After all, it's my life
that's being decided.
And will you stop walking?
I'll make my own decision.
Now, look here, Michael Brandon.
You think that all you
have to do is wave a check
and no woman can resist you,
but let me tell you something.
There are still women in this
world who have other standards.
I refuse your $50,000.
AUNT HEDWIGE: Bravo!
I want $100,000.
Bravo!
Nicole!
What's that? $100,000?
$100,000 guaranteed in the marriage
contract and I'm Mrs. Michael Brandon.
You can leave me
whenever you wish.
Oh, that'll never be, I hope.
(LAUGHS) Oh, that's
very gallant, Michael,
but it's $100,000 just the same.
Well, that's quite a jump.
Make up your mind,
Michael. Think fast.
If you wait much longer
it will be $150,000.
My price goes up every minute.
(EXCLAIMS)
Well, Nicole, you got me on the spot.
I'm so crazy about you...
Don't rush, my dear boy. Take your time.
It's a deal.
It's a bargain. It's a scandal.
(INDISTINCT CHATTERING)
Oh, Father. Goodbye.
I want you to write, dear.
Yes, I will. Goodbye.
Goodbye, Michael. Goodbye.
Send a telegram. Send several
of them every now and then.
(SPEAKING FRENCH)
(ALL CLAMORING)
(TRAIN WHISTLE BLOWING)
Nicole.
Thank you, Albert.
Goodbye, Nicole, and if
anything should happen...
It won't.
Well, if you get unhappy,
just send me a telegram,
'cause you can rely on me.
Nicole, I know that man.
He can be very nasty.
Anyway, don't worry about it.
And I wish you lots of luck.
Don't wish me luck,
wish him luck.
He doesn't know it yet, but this
time he's bought a washbasin.
Goodbye. Goodbye.
(MUSIC PLAYING)
Hello, Mr. Brandon. Hello.
Glad to see you back in Paris.
I hear you've been
in Czechoslovakia.
Yeah. What's wrong about that?
Why, nothing, Mr. Brandon.
By the way, may I offer
my congratulations?
On what?
Well, you got married.
Oh, yes. Thank you.
You're very happy. I suppose?
Sure, I am. Don't I look happy?
Why, yes. Very happy-
Anybody said anything?
Oh. No. No, no.
Now, look here, no more
cracks out of you.
Here, madame. Thank you.
Will you charge it to me, please?
Very well, madame Brandon.
Hello, Michael.
Hello. Are you by any
chance buying books?
(GRUNTS)
I thought you never read anything
but the financial page.
Doctor's orders. He thinks
it'll quiet my nerves.
(EXCLAIMS)
Yes, monsieur?
I want some books. I'd say
about a half a dozen.
What sort, monsieur? Fiction?
We have some very exciting
new detective stories.
No, no, nothing like that. I
want something to quiet me down,
something to put me to sleep.
Something to put you to sleep?
Oh, what you want
are the classics.
Yes, and put in
one volume of poetry,
in case you need a quick nap.
There's nothing like blank
verse right after lunch.
Very well, I'll make
up a selection.
If you'd be
a little nicer to me,
I wouldn't have to buy all those books.
How about it?
Michael, I have
no gift of prophesy,
but I see you ending
up with a library.
Now, why don't you try
to be reasonable, Nicole?
Let's not quarrel again.
We fought all over Europe.
You've presented your arguments
in every historical spot.
The pigeons in Venice
are still frightened.
Will you glance
over them, monsieur?
No, that's all right.
You don't need to wrap them.
Charge them to me.
Very well, madame Brandon.
(DOOR CLOSING)
(MUMBLING) If you'd be
a little nicer to me...
books...
Well... It was a pleasure
to run into you, Michael.
Oh, by the way, you've done
over your boudoir, haven't you?
Yes. It's all in turquoise,
blue and silver.
Oh, it's really quite stunning.
But what about that
green carpet, though?
Why, green and blue are charming...
How did you know?
Well, your maid told my valet.
They're very friendly.
That sometimes happens, even when
people live in the same apartment.
(CHUCKLES) Yes. I think we're very lucky
with most of our servants, don't you?
Oh, you bet.
The new cook's fine.
Really? I'm hardly
in a position to tell.
I've eaten here so little.
Oh, yes, I see by the papers you've
been stepping out a lot lately.
(CHUCKLING) Yes, quite a bit.
Having a good time?
Oh, it's wonderful not to be
under parental control anymore.
That's what I love
about marriage.
How's your father? Fine.
Rest of the family?
Fine, thank you.
How's your business?
Okay. Anything else new?
No, nothing I know about.
Well, goodbye.
Hope I run into
you again sometime.
Goodbye, Michael.
Oh, Michael.
If you have any complaints about
the household or the servants,
just drop me a note.
And in case anything of importance
comes up and you have to see me,
it's perfectly all right.
Just give me a warning.
Hey, you. Come here.
Are you Mrs. Brandon's
new chauffeur? No.
Oh, you don't have to hide it from me.
I'm quitting the job anyhow.
But let me tell you something.
Don't take it.
You never get home
before 3:00 in the morning.
(SHATTERING)
Shakespeare.
(NICOLE EXCLAIMING) Oh, Michael!
Michael, don't do that! Stop it!
Where is it?
Here.
(CLICKING TONGUE)
Hurt?
No. This is awfully
nice of you, Nicole.
Oh, no. I always put iodine
on people when I bite them.
Oh, your bark's worse than your bite.
No, it isn't.
Good evening, Mr. Brandon.
Well, Mrs. Brandon,
this is certainly an honor.
(EXCLAIMS) I'm delighted
you accepted my invitation.
Thank you. What are the
plans for tonight?
Well, first I thought we'd
have a little dinner here,
and then the choice is yours.
I have tickets
for the Russian ballet,
and tickets
for the prize fights.
It's absolutely up to you.
(SPEAKING FRENCH)
Here's to our agreement,
no lovemaking, no quarrels.
Just like an ordinary
married couple.
I said no quarrels.
(EXCLAIMS) It's rather
strong, I'-.-'Ir. Brandon.
Do you think so? Mmm-hmm.
Well, if you keep your part of the
agreement, I'll be very generous.
We'll go to the prize fights.
But the slightest slip and you'll
find yourself at the Russian ballet.
Oh, I must explain. This is
sort of a buffet supper.
Buffet supper?
You see, the servants
are going to a ball tonight.
(EXCLAIMS)
I think one should consider
them now and then.
After all, these are pretty unsettled
times. You can't ride them too hard.
That's what starts revolutions.
Yes. Michael, let me warn you.
The Russians are dancing three
ballets tonight. Cupid and Psyche,
A Toy Shop in Old Moscow
and The Glow Worm's Birthday.
I'll behave.
(SIGHS)
(SNIFFING)
What's the matter?
Do you smell something?
No.
There must be
onions around here.
Oh, yes, right there.
Onions! That darn fool knows I can't
be in the same room with onions!
Oh, Michael, Michael, be calm.
I can meet this crisis.
Very nice of you.
It's all right.
Oh, no, no champagne. The
cocktail was quite strong enough.
Now, let's keep the
conversation very impersonal
so there won't be the slightest
temptation to quarrel.
All right, any subject you want.
Oh, the choice is
entirely yours, Michael.
Art, music, history,
the League of Nations.
Anything that doesn't
interest you.
Fine, I'll make it
as dull as I can.
Thank you.
And here's to you.
1643 to 1715.
1643 to 1715?
Louis XIV.
Won the Battle
of Steenkirke in 1692.
Got mixed up
with madame du Barry.
Michael.
Well, that's history, isn't it?
It's a sad chapter.
Oh, this caviar is salty.
(CLEARS THROAT)
Oh, speaking of music, do you
remember the waltz they were playing
when King Louis
died of smallpox?
I don't remember any waltz.
And after the king died, oil
went up two and a half points.
I don't remember any waltz.
I'll play it for you.
(WALTZ MUSIC PLAYING)
I don't suppose you'd be interested
in a purely impersonal dance?
Michael, the prize fight
starts at 8:30.
Oh, what if we do
miss the preliminary?
(GIGGLES) All right.
But let me warn you, don't
make this a preliminary.
Michael, I warn you.
(SIGHS)
(GIGGLING)
Oh, that caviar was so salty.
(SINGING) Looky, looky,
looky Here comes Cookie.
Walking down the street.
Looky, looky, looky
I call her Cookie
'Cause she's sweet.
Oh, Michael, you're making me cry.
Oh, that's not fair.
Looky, looky, looky
I call her Cookie
'Cause she takes the cake.
In a department store,
that's where I met you.
Yes, you called me
the stripey type.
Oh, and I meant
every stripe of it.
Oh, I could've
taken you in my arms
and kissed you
right then and there.
Looky, looky, looky
Here comes Cookie.
Gotta fix my tie.
Why, Michael, you look so different.
I don't understand it.
You don't look like
a multi-millionaire anymore.
You look like a man with
$100,000 or even less.
(GIGGLING) Oh, no, Michael. No, no,
Michael. No. You promised me, Michael.
No. Now, you promised. No, no, no, Michael.
No. Let me go. Michael.
You don't want me to,
you're just pretending.
No, Michael. Between you and me
there's a whole world
of seven wives.
Stop being jealous. I tell you
I've forgotten they exist.
Oh, that's just it. You buy
wives just like shirts,
and after you've worn them,
you toss them away.
Don't talk yourself
into a laundry complex.
(NICOLE GIGGLING)
Nicole.
No, Michael. No, Michael.
Don't do that, Michael.
Oh, Nicole, be sensible.
I mean, don't be sensible.
Don't hide your emotions.
Oh, Michael.
Oh, why did I eat that caviar?
BRANDON: You're nothing
but a silly little thing.
How can a girl be so foolish? Why
aren't you nice to me? Nicole.
Please, Nicole. You love me, I can tell it.
You're trembling in my arms.
Now, tell me you love me. Say it.
You're my wife, Nicole.
Michael? Yes?
Kiss me.
What's that?
Kiss me, Michael. Kiss me.
(EXCLAIMS) So you want
me to kiss you, eh?
Well, not so quick, young lady.
You kept me waiting.
So you thought you could
master Michael Brandon, eh?
Kiss me.
Well, what does
a nice girl say, eh?
Please. Please.
That's better. If you're going
to talk to me like that, okay.
(LAUGHING)
You animal. You
double-crossing animal.
Just one low trick
after another.
You've cheated
the life out of me,
you've bitten me, and now this.
Why don't I...
(GRUNTS)
(SIGHING)
Well, now, let's try to be calm.
Let's behave like human beings.
Now, look.
Now, look here,
Nicole, I married you...
No, you didn't. You bought me.
Well, then,
fulfill your contract.
Oh, Michael, now you're I'-.-'Ir.
Brandon again, the multi-millionaire.
Oh, cut it out.
You can't be so stupid
as to believe that
I made a contract
which guarantees you $50,000...
No, $100,000.
Well, you're not going
to get a cent of it.
Oh, no, of course not.
Not before the divorce.
I knew that's what
you were driving at.
From the minute we signed
the marriage license.
And do you think that's honest?
No, but it's good business.
Do you know... Careful.
Do you know what we call people
like you in America? Crooks.
You mean crooks? I mean crooks!
That's exactly what
we call them in France.
(GIGGLING)
Oh, Michael, I'm your
worst investment.
I don't pay any dividends,
and I'm proud of it.
That's robbery! It's a swindle!
It's a holdup.
You're much too rich, Michael.
Oh, Michael, let's have
some of that money.
If you want a divorce, Nicole,
you're going about
it the wrong way.
Oh, really?
You don't understand my fundamental
characteristic. It's tenacity.
I'm tenacious. That's why
I'm where I am today.
Where's that, Michael?
Well, it's...
The more trouble a thing gives
me, the harder I fight for it.
If I let the word "failure" creep into
my vocabulary just once, I'm lost.
And as long as you
treat me as you do,
I'll give up
eating and drinking,
but I won't let you go!
Well, then, I'm afraid we're
tied together for life.
If necessary, I can always hang
on a half hour longer than you.
Oh, it promises to be
quite a fight, Michael.
And remember, my nerves
are made of iron.
I fought Canadian Tin singlehanded
and left them yelling for help!
Oh, but I won't be fair.
I'll knife you in the back.
I'll fight you with every
vegetable at my disposal.
(EXCLAIMS)
Is it possible to talk
to you quietly? Yes.
Now, listen. You want a
divorce as soon as possible.
Yes.
Let me give you a tip.
Stop keeping me at a distance,
be nice to me,
and in three weeks
I'll probably
beg you on my knees
to give me a divorce.
Oh, that's very
tempting, Michael.
That wouldn't be fair
to my future husband.
Your future husband?
Why, naturally. I'm going
to marry again someday.
A woman can't take care
of $100,000 a year all alone.
Why don't I take you right here
and crush you like a matchbox?
What's preventing me? These
walls are pretty thick.
We'll settle this...
Elyse 34530.
Hello. Pepinard and Pepinard?
This is Mr. Brandon speaking,
I'm still waiting
for Mr. Pepinard.
He left 10 minutes ago? Well, you
told me that a half an hour ago.
Nicole.
Hello, Albert.
You wouldn't mind giving
a poor bank clerk a lift?
Come right in.
They say at the bank that your
husband's going to Brussels.
Yes, this afternoon.
Well, Brussels is 400
kilometers from Paris.
Why, Albert, you're an atlas.
Well, if he takes
the afternoon train,
he can't possibly
catch the night train,
which leaves there
at 12:45 for Paris.
You're a timetable, too.
Nicole, don't you see
what I'm driving at?
No.
Oh.
(CAR HONKING)
Nicole?
Yes, Albert?
Well...
(GIGGLING)
Now, look here, Albert. Even
if my husband went to China,
which is 10,000 kilometers away,
it still wouldn't
do you any good to...
(MIMICS GIGGLE)
I've told you so a dozen times.
(DOORBELL BUZZING)
Oh, hello.
Hello.
Oh, you've grown a mustache.
Mmm-hmm.
(TURNING KEY IN LOCK)
(SLIDING BOLT)
(SHUSHING) Say, I've...
You're a fine detective,
monsieur Pepinard.
Please, Mr. Brandon, don't
use the word "detective."
I told the butler I'm your doctor.
Listen, I'm in a hurry.
I've got to catch
a train to Brussels.
What did you find
out about my wife?
I'-.-'Ir. Brandon, your wife's conduct
leaves nothing to be desired.
There is no other man.
I can guarantee it.
How about those
anonymous letters?
You know who writes those letters?
Who?
Mrs. Brandon herself.
I don't believe it.
Have you any proof?
Sure. Please. Here it is.
It's the same handwriting
as the others.
I saw Mrs. Brandon
deposit this letter
in the mailbox
this morning at 11:18.
"Mr. Michael Brandon,
Hotel Metropole, Brussels."
Intended to greet you upon
your arrival at Brussels.
How did you get this letter?
Mr. Brandon, the letter is here.
How I got it, let that remain a
secret between me and the mailbox.
"I'-.-'Ir. Brandon. Tonight
at your business conference,
"when you are trying
to put something over"
"on your associates in Brussels,"
"your wife will be putting
something over on you."
"Too bad you didn't
stay at home. A friend."
Perfectly simple. Neglected wife
wants to make husband jealous.
Jealous, nothing.
She wants a divorce.
She wants to shake
my nerves to pieces
so I can't attend to
my business anymore.
(SCOFF) But I'm
going to fool her.
I'll go to Brussels, all right.
That's what I'll tell
her, only I'm not going.
I'm coming back unexpectedly
in the middle of the night
and surprise her with
this mysterious Mr. X.
But there is no Mr. X.
That's just it.
I'm going to laugh at her.
I'm going to have some fun.
And will she be embarrassed.
I'm gonna make
her feel that small.
That's very small, Mr. Brandon.
I'm going to cure
that young lady.
Thank you very much,
Mr. Pepinard. Goodbye.
Au revoir, Mr. Brandon.
By the way, my wife doesn't
suspect that you followed her?
She doesn't even
know that I exist.
Don't forget Pepinard and
Pepinard is a first-class firm.
You will find that out
when you get our bill.
Don't worry, I'-.-'Ir. Brandon. There
is nothing wrong with your kidneys.
(SPEAKING FRENCH)
Goodbye.
(SPEAKING FRENCH)
NICOLE: Come in.
You must have mistaken
me for someone else.
Sit down, monsieur Pepinard.
Sit down.
You followed me, monsieur
Pepinard, so I followed you.
You live at 110 Rue du
Regard, a nice apartment,
but it doesn't get much sun.
But please, madame...
Oh, I know that doesn't
mean much to you
but don't forget,
monsieur Pepinard,
your wife has to
stay home all day
and she's such
a pretty little woman.
Oh, thank you very much.
A little plump.
But it gives her a certain charm.
And what an engaging smile.
(CHUCKLING) Yeah.
It's too bad she has
such a vile temper.
Hasn't she?
I can imagine what she's
like in an argument.
Oh, no, you can't.
You'd better be careful,
monsieur Pepinard.
If she ever finds out
that you're going around
with that little salesgirl from the
delicatessen store on the corner,
who, by the way, is going
around with someone else...
With whom?
What did you tell my husband?
You're asking too much,
madame. Please.
Well, if your wife finds out
about the delicatessen store...
Well, madame,
in order to save my home,
I confess I told him everything.
He knows about the letters. He
knows there is no other man.
He's coming back
unexpectedly tonight
to surprise you
and to laugh at you.
Well, maybe we can
surprise Mr. Brandon.
You're going to help me,
monsieur Pepinard.
I need a man for tonight.
Oh, no, not me.
When my husband comes back...
And he finds somebody here.
He won't laugh anymore.
But you must consider that Mr.
Brandon is a very strong man.
There is apt to be
a terrible fight.
Well, then, get me someone
who can fight back.
I'll pay him 5,000 francs,
and I won't tell on you.
Very well, then. A prizefighter
will be the best way out.
How much does
your husband weigh?
I don't know him that well. I
had better get a heavyweight.
Yes. Have him here at 10:00
and have him as
well-dressed as possible.
You can rely on me, madame.
(SPEAKING FRENCH)
Yes, Michael? You
shaved your mustache.
Well, goodbye, Nicole.
I'm starting for Brussels.
I'd forgotten all about that.
How long will you be gone?
Does that really interest you?
Frankly, no.
You think I'm pretty much
of a fool, don't you?
Yes.
Well, goodbye, Nicole.
Goodbye, Michael.
(BOTH LAUGHING)
(DOORBELL BUZZING)
I'm Kid Mulligan.
Oh, yes. I'm Mrs. Brandon.
Come in.
(GIGGLES NERVOUSLY)
Yes. Come in.
Sit down. Thanks, madam.
We may have to
wait a little while.
Oh, that's all right.
You understand the
situation, I suppose?
Yes, madam,
I get the whole setup.
And I certainly appreciate this
opportunity, Mrs. Brandon.
You don't know how tough it is for
an American to get a fight in Paris.
And I won't disappoint you. I'm
all steamed up, ready to go.
Yes.
You know, I don't want you
to really hurt my husband.
Oh, I'll carry him along, just
keep away with a left jab.
A left... What does
that do, exactly?
Well, I might split his lip
or cut his eye a little.
Oh, that sounds terrible.
You mustn't do that.
Well, I gotta defend myself.
Oh, of course.
Oh, but split and cut.
That sounds horrible.
Couldn't you do something
a little more civilized?
You know, just pick him up
and throw him in a corner?
Oh, no. That's wrestling.
I'll tell you what. Why don't
you let me knock him out?
Knock him out?
Oh, for heaven's sake, no.
Oh, all you people got the
wrong idea about a knockout.
If you hit a guy on the right
spot, down he goes like a light.
No pain? Pain? No.
You dream like a baby.
I can't believe it.
Well, I'm speaking
from experience.
Have you been knocked out?
Plenty. And believe me, there's
nothing like it. What a sensation.
Once I hit the
canvas with a bang,
and the next minute there I was
in a Japanese garden with
them pink cherry blossoms.
Another time, I was floating
over Constantinople.
I tell you, you get to see countries you
otherwise couldn't afford to visit.
It sounds perfectly wonderful.
And the time I fought
Battleship McCarthy.
Boy, I'll never forget
that second round.
Now, I ask you, Mrs. Brandon,
where is there another racket
where a man of my weight
can feel like a flying fish?
All right, then, do it. No, don't do it.
It's too good for him.
Come on, Mrs. Brandon,
don't be so hardboiled.
Oh, no, no, no, no.
He doesn't deserve it.
Why should he dream he's
in a Japanese garden?
After what he's done to me?
I should pay 5,000 francs so that
he can feel like a flying fish?
No, no, never.
But, Mrs. Brandon, he's your husband.
You must have loved him once.
Let's not talk about it. Come on, Mrs.
Brandon, give him a break.
Have a heart.
All right, knock him out.
Sit down.
(DOOR CLOSING)
(SHUSHING)
(KNOCKING ON THE DOOR)
Come in.
Come in. What's the matter with you?
Why don't you come in?
Surprised, huh?
What are you staring at?
(THUDDING)
I love you, Michael,
but it's good for you.
Good night.
(ALL LAUGHING)
(NICOLE GRUNTING)
Oh, you've ruined my
whole plan, you idiot.
It serves you right, bringing me a
handbag in the middle of the night.
You've spoiled everything.
I'm tired. I want to go home.
(CAR APPROACHING)
Albert. Oh, I'm so sorry,
Albert. Poor Albert.
Where did he hit you?
Show Nicole.
Here. Here?
There. Right here?
Right here, Albert?
(EXCLAIMS)
Hello, Nicole.
Hello, Michael. I thought
you were in Brussels.
Surprised to see me back?
Naturally.
Oh, but it doesn't
make any difference.
You look a little nervous.
Why should I be nervous?
Husband comes home unexpectedly.
Why, you don't think for a moment
that I have anything to hide?
No, I really don't. Well, I think
I'll go and get some sleep.
If you have the slightest
doubt, why don't you go in?
Let me tell you something, I'm
gonna fool you. I'm going in.
Oh, no, Michael. No,
Michael, you can't do that.
(LAUGHING)
Quiet, please.
Oh, no.
You worm. You miserable little pipsqueak.
I'm going to...
Here. Oh, Michael,
please don't hurt him.
Hurt him? I'm gonna wring his neck.
No, Michael.
He just came to bring a handbag.
Now, look here.
You made a nervous
wreck out of me,
you tortured me,
you took my pride away,
my self-respect and I stood for
it, but if you try to tell me
that he just came here to bring
a handbag, I'll kill you.
Get out.
Yes, Albert, get out. Go home.
I can't go.
I said go!
I can't go while you're
sitting on my pants.
Well, Nicole, you win.
Someone had to win.
I've got to hand it to you. You're the
first person that ever licked me.
You wanted to hurt
me, and you did.
Well, come on,
why don't you laugh?
I'll send my lawyer round in the morning.
You can get the divorce.
Oh, no, Michael. After
all, I'm the guilty party.
It's only fair that I
should take the blame.
Well, now look here, Nicole.
For several reasons, I think I should
appear to be the guilty party.
Oh, I forgot. Your reputation.
Oh, of course, Michael.
Naturally, I'll get the divorce.
The world will never know
what really happened.
As far as the public
is concerned,
Michael Brandon has tired of
another wife and walked out.
Another feather in your cap.
Well, goodbye, Michael.
Goodbye, Nicole.
Well, goodbye, Professor, and
thank you a thousand times.
You really feel well,
monsieur Potin?
Well, simply wonderful.
I must have been in
pretty bad shape, though.
Now, tell me, have you ever
had a case like mine before?
Frankly, no.
It's common enough
for people to believe
that they are
Alexander the Great
or Napoleon.
We're prepared for that.
But for a man to imagine
he's a chicken...
Well, I should say that's
quite out of the ordinary.
Professor, I'll never forget
that terrible morning
when I flew into the kitchen
and said to the cook,
"Anna, where are the noodles?
Quick, make soup out of me."
Strange what the stock
market can do to one.
Well, well, that's all over now.
Thanks to you and your splendid
system of self-suggestion.
Goodbye, monsieur Potin,
and good luck.
(BOY SHOUTING IN FRENCH)
Hey, boy, come here,
give me a paper.
(SPEAKING FRENCH)
POTIN: Cock-a-doodle doo!
Cock-a-doodle doo!
You keep quiet
or I'll come down.
And not another egg out of you.
(SIGHS) I feel fine. It was a nice day
yesterday, it'll be a nice day today,
it'll be a nice day tomorrow. I feel
fine, I feel fine, I feel very fine.
I feel fine. It was a nice day
yesterday, it's a nice day today,
it'll be a nice day tomorrow. I feel
fine, I feel fine, I feel very fine.
How are you today, Mr. Brandon?
Not so good.
I feel fine, I feel
fine, I feel very fine.
It was a nice day yesterday,
it's a nice day today,
it'll be a nice day tomorrow.
Your luncheon, Mr. Brandon.
(GRUNTS) Mutton stew.
Now, Mr. Brandon.
I feel fine. I like mutton stew.
I liked mutton stew yesterday,
I like mutton stew today and
I'll like mutton stew tomorrow.
(GRUNTS IN DISGUST)
I feel fine, I feel
fine, I feel very fine.
Oh, please, Nurse.
Won't you be human?
You are not to see Mr. Brandon
under any circumstances.
Oh, you must let me in. Can't
you take me as a patient?
I'm very sorry, madame.
Even if I were to let you in,
it wouldn't do you any good.
He wouldn't listen to
anything you had to say.
Why, the mere mention of
your name makes him violent.
If Mr. Brandon knew you
were under the same roof,
he'd jump out the window.
We can't take the risk, so
please, madame. Goodbye.
It's no use, Father.
They won't let me see him.
They won't even let me talk
to Professor Urganzeff.
So, Professor Urganzeff
won't talk to a de Loiselle.
Well.
(MIMICS DOG BARKING) Yes, sir?
Will you step in, please?
(INAUDIBLE)
(DOG BARKING)
Yes, Father?
(CLICKING TONGUE)
Nicole.
What happened?
You bought it? It was a bargain.
Nothing.
Hello, Michael. How...
Oh, I beg your pardon.
You get out. But, darling...
And get out of here quick. Do you
know what you are? You are a...
I've never said that to a woman
before, and I won't say it now.
I feel fine, I feel fine, I feel very fine.
Get out of here!
Now, be reasonable, Michael. No,
no, there's no use struggling.
You have to listen.
You know, it cost
me a great deal
to get this interview with you.
You ought to be proud.
Why do you think a woman puts
a man into a straitjacket?
Because she loves him. Love.
You're a fine one to
be talking about love.
Wouldn't be my wife
when you should have been.
The only kiss I got out of that
marriage was smothered in onions.
Well, let me kiss you now.
Get out of here!
(TELEPHONE RINGING)
Hello. Oh, just a moment.
New York.
(EXCLAIMS)
Hello. Oh, it's you, Jeff.
What I've decided about oil?
Well, listen, I don't feel like
talking business right now.
No, no, I'm not sore. I'm in a
straitjacket. Call me later.
And now, clear out, please.
Michael, is it Albert?
Is that what's troubling you?
No, no, I know that was a put-up
job, and it's just as bad.
Now, look here, you got your
money, that's what you wanted.
That's what you always thought.
Believe me, Michael, I loved
you from the moment I saw you,
but you made it impossible.
I had to break you down.
I didn't want to be just another
girl in the Brandon Follies.
Well, you haven't
broken me down.
No, things have changed
for us both, Michael.
If I take you now, you
can be sure I love you.
I'm free, independent, rich.
We're on equal terms, Michael.
(GIGGLING) Oh, no, we're not.
You're in a straitjacket,
and my arms are free.
As a matter of fact, you're in
my power, darling. Sit down.
You... No, no,
you never said that to a woman
before, and don't say it now.
Please, Michael, have a chair.
Get away from me. No, now
don't be afraid, Michael.
Whatever may happen, I'm willing
to take the consequences.
I'll marry you. I hate you.
No, no, no, no, no. You love me.
You ran away from me.
That proves it.
You've stayed single
for six months
for the first time since you
were thrown out of college.
And why? Because you
couldn't forget me, Michael.
And they've been six miserable
months for me, too.
Why? Because I couldn't forget you.
That's love, Michael.
Stop tickling my face.
That's not tickling,
that's caressing.
Then don't caress me. Then
don't pay any attention to it.
You'd better save your energy.
I'm never gonna marry again.
You've never been married before,
not my kind of marriage.
For keeps, forever, Michael.
Stop caressing me!
No, that's tickling now. You're so
mixed up in your emotions, darling.
Wait till I get out of this
straitjacket, what I'll do to you...
Oh, I can hardly wait,
Michael. Michael. Michael.
Get away from me.
Stop doing that.
Nicole, please. This doesn't
mean a thing to me.
No, no, no. And it's not
gonna mean a thing to me.
No.
I feel fine, I feel
fine, I feel very fine.
Oh, please, Nicole. Stop.
That isn't fair, Nicole.
(NICOLE SCREAMING)
Nothing.
Let me up, Nicole.
Nicole, let me...
Michael... Shut up!
Nothing.