- Bo.
- What?
- I bet you can't do this.
- Old MacDonald had a farm
E-I-E-I-O
And on his farm,
he had a pig
E-I-E-I-O
With a [pig snort] here
And a [pig snort] there
And Old MacDonald
had a farm
E-I-E-I-O
[cheers and applause]
- This is Bo Burnham.
He's 22 years old.
He's a male.
And he looks like
the genetic product
of a giraffe having sex
with Ellen DeGeneres.
He has a gigantic head
and tiny nipples.
He's isolated himself
over the last five years
in pursuit of comedy
and, in doing so,
has lost touch with reality.
You're an asshole, Bo.
You hear me?
You think you know better
than me.
You think you know better
than everybody.
You will die alone.
And you will deserve it.
But in the meantime,
you might as well
tell those silly jokes of yours.
See if that helps.
[hip-hop music]
[cheers and applause]
- You used to do comedy
When you felt
like being funny
But now you're contractually
obligated
So dance,
you fucking monkey
Dance, monkey, dance
Welcome to the show
This is Bo,
this is his show
And Bo wants
to dance like this
Welcome to the show
This is Bo,
this is his show
And Bo takes off his pants
like this
Play an invisible drum
Play an invisible trumpet,
trumpet sound
Drink some invisible water
Oh, shit,
that water's real
Bo wants to make
you feel comfortable
Bo wants to make
you feel comfortable
Random voice
Bo wants to make
you feel comfortable
So sit back, relax
And enjoy a healthy dose
Of prolonged eye contact
- Prolonged eye contact
- Prolonged eye contact
- Prolonged eye contact
- Prolonged eye contact
- Prolonged eye contact
- Prolonged eye contact
- Prolonged eye contact
- Prolonged eye contact
- Prolonged eye contact
- Prolonged eye contact
- Prolonged eye contact
- Prolonged eye contact
- Prolonged eye contact
- Prolonged eye contact
- Prolonged eye contact
- Prolonged eye contact
- Prolonged eye contact
- Prolonged eye contact
- Prolonged eye contact
- Prolonged eye contact
- Lick your lips
to make it more comforting
Do you want to see
a magic trick?
Do you want to see
a magic trick?
Do you want to see
a magic trick?
Then pick a card, any card
Psych.
Magic isn't real, you idiot
- Read a book
- Magic isn't real,
you idiot
- Read a book
- Magic isn't real,
you idiot
- Read a book
- Magic isn't real
Or is it?
And at that moment,
Bo's 20-year-old cynicism
melted into childlike wonder.
He never knew there could be
so much magic in the world.
It's a world
of possibilities, Bo.
What do you want to do first?
Run?
Yeah, sure, you can run.
Fly?
Oh, yeah, you can fly.
What?
What are you--
What the fuck
are you do--
what the fuck are you doing?
Stop. Stop it.
What the f--
You fucking idiot.
Stop. Stop. Stop.
Anyways, in the distance,
Bo saw a beautiful fairy,
a fairy so beautiful
that he felt proud about being
called one in high school.
He then came
across an old bridge
with a troll standing guard.
Bo knew that he'd have to answer
a riddle to get by.
The troll spoke thus:
"All right, for the last time,
man, I'm not a troll.
"I'm homeless.
"Okay, do you have
any spare change?
"Okay, that's a used napkin.
"I don't want that.
"No, no, stop.
Just--you know what? Leave.
Just leave.
Please leave."
And then...
as Bo arrived on the other side
of the stage,
he saw a unicorn with five horns
right in front of him.
And the pentacorn spoke thus:
"Hello, Bo.
I've been looking for you
for quite a long--"
[gunshots]
[gun clicks, cartridge thuds]
[gun clicks, gunshots]
He was safe for now.
But the dark thoughts
would soon return.
- It's Godzilla!
[animal shrieking]
Oh, my God!
[screaming]
- It's so hard
to be a lizard
It's hard to be a lizard
Tiny arms, itchy gizzard
- Why is he singing?
He's a monster.
- It's hard to be a lizard
But it's harder to segue
Is he skiing
Or is he in a gay porn?
Is he skiing
Or is he in a gay porn?
Is he skiing
Or is he in a gay porn?
Here's a hint
He's in a gay porn
Okay, Bo, this miming shit
Is getting pretty annoying
So give them the real thing
- My voice
is so fucking natural
It's naturally good
Naturally good
Naturally good
- This is the end
of the song
And the beginning
of the show
Welcome to the show
[cheers and applause]
- That lizard part
was pretty fucking stupid.
Anyway...
San Francisco, yeah.
Yeah.
We are a place.
We are a place in California.
I'd like to--I'd like to start
with a joke
for my male audience.
This is a joke for the fellas.
Where are my fellas at?
Fellas?
men: Yeah.
- Yo, fellas, don't you hate it
when you're blowing a guy
and he ends up being a faggot?
Am I right?
I've been blowing a faggot
this whole time?
Third time this week.
Thank you so much.
We're having fun.
This show is called what.
And I hope
there's some surprises
for you or some--
Jesus. Sorry.
That's a good start.
I hope there's some--
- He meant to knock
the water over
Yeah, yeah, yeah
But you all thought
it was an accident
But he meant to knock
the water over
Yeah, yeah, yeah,
art is alive
Nothing is real
- So we--
Grow up.
Grow up with your applause.
Stick it.
- He meant to knock
the water over
Yeah, yeah, yeah
But you all thought
it was an a--
- Just don't--if it's on repeat,
it will repeat.
We can cut all this.
- He meant to play
the track again
Yeah, yeah, yeah
But you all thought
it was an accident
But he meant to play the water
track again-gain-gain
Art's still alive,
nothing's still real
- Food jokes.
Let's do some food jokes.
Segues are weird.
I had a hot dog
for breakfast today,
and afterwards
I felt like this...
'cause I couldn't control
my stools.
All right, Jesus.
Glad you like poop-based puns.
That'll be a majority
of the show.
Never waste a moment.
Every moment can become
a comedic moment.
See? So just a little lesson
for comedians.
This first song is called
A World on Fire.
[screaming]
This next song, it's a little
bit longer than that one, and--
Thank you.
It's about how sad I am,
and I'm really sad.
And it's called Sad.
[melancholy music]
It's about all the sad stuff.
Just picture a depressed onion
cutting itself.
[whimpers]
I met a homeless man
named Rich
[laughter]
Isn't that terrible?
I saw a flyer for a lost dog
And the dog didn't have
any legs
I saw a diabetic kid
Trick-or-treating
I saw a giraffe
who had a short neck
That was sad or a deer
I saw an old man
get hit by a train
He didn't see it
in the pouring rain
He didn't hear me shout,
"Look out for the train."
'Cause I didn't say anything.
I just thought to myself,
"Ooh, this is gonna be sad."
And it was.
I'm a genius.
[whimpers]
I saw a man
with only one eye
In a 3-D movie
I saw a little boy
drop his ice cream cone
Directly
on his mother's corpse
I saw a kitten
stuck in a tree
Then the kitten jumped off,
and he hung itself
I saw a boy
who had red hair
I went to a store
looking for something to buy
But they only sold paintings
of the same sad guy
No, wait
This store sells mirrors
See what I did there?
Let's rock!
No.
The world's so sad, bros.
Pain, genocide, war,
sexism, racism.
But I got to remember there's
good things about it too...
like the fact that
none of that's happening to me.
Score.
Still, though, it's hard
not to be sad about it.
How do y'all do it?
I've been telling you guys
terribly sad things
this whole song.
You haven't been sad at all.
You've been--
you've been happy.
No, you've been laughing.
That's it.
Laughter--it's the key
to everything.
It's the way to solve
all the sadness in the world.
I mean, not for the people
that are actually sad
but the people like us
that got to fucking deal
with them all the time.
Being a comedian isn't being
an insensitive prick,
capitalizing on the most
animalistic impulses
of the public.
It's being a hero.
The world isn't sad.
The world's funny.
I'm a sociopath.
I saw an old man
slip and fall
Hey, what a fucking idiot
I saw a woman
at her daughter's funeral
Ha ha ha.
Classic comedy.
Everything
that once was sad
Is somehow funny now
The Holocaust and 9/11
That shit's funny 24-7
'Cause tragedy will be
exclusively joked about
Because my empathy
is bumming me out
Good-bye, sadness
Hello, jokes
Thank you.
[cheers and applause]
I got a really good joke
about video editors.
Video editors are so fucking--
I think we should do a poem
right now, if that's okay.
This poem is a little bit sappy,
a little bit romantic.
So we'll get it
out of the way now.
And we will go back to the--
whoops--the dirty stuff,
you know, everyone loves
at a late show or whatever.
Okay.
It's called I Fuck Sluts.
It's not a roll call,
but thank you.
Sluts, sluts--
Sluts, sluts, I fuck sluts.
Sluts get fucked
when I fuck sluts.
No if, ands, and/or buts.
I fuck sluts.
I fuck sluts.
Nice girls are nice
but no good for nut-sucking.
They'll need a serene night
to green-light a butt-fucking.
But that'd be easy with sleazy
old slut fucking.
Boo to the nice girls.
Praise be to slut-fucking.
I have a list.
A list?
Yes, a list of all the sluts
I've missed.
I've never fucked or sucked
these sluts,
and thus my nuts
are fucking pissed.
So, when I fuck
the lucky slut,
my nut removes her
from the list.
Another dumb cumbucket
struck from my nut-sucking,
suck it, slut,
slut-fucking bucket list.
Yes, you hear the influences--
Chaucer, Keats.
The pages are blank.
I know it.
Why am I lying to you?
Sluts can be white, black,
brown, pink, or almond.
They can be skinny with big tits
or be skinny with small ones.
Sluts can be perky, preppy,
or posh,
with their brains
and their clothes
all shrunk from the wash.
Excuse me.
But other sluts are pretty
and funny and smart.
These sluts can lift
all your thoughts
from your dick to your heart.
They can talk about science,
music, or art.
They can put you together,
or they can pull you apart.
But don't trust these sluts.
Don't. Don't you dare.
They'll force you to trust them
and love them and care.
And then they'll be gone,
and then you'll be aware
of that hole in your heart
that that dumb slut left there.
Thank you very much.
"So he was lashing out
with sexist language
"'cause he had
his heart broken.
We all learned something."
Thank you all for coming.
I know some of my bits
are a little bit fast and dense,
a little bit hard to follow,
particularly that one.
So I want to do something
a little bit slower
for the people,
maybe the older people
in the crowd or something,
so this is for you.
Here's a slow joke.
[slowed tone]
[deep voice]
What did the ear of corn say
when all of its clothes
fell off?
"Aw, shucks."
Get it?
Like shucks,
as in shucking corn,
and also "shucks"
the exclamation.
Am I right?
[normal voice]
Good, we're having fun.
My father recently told me that
I act too flamboyant onstage.
And I said, "Really, Dad?
Prove it."
He said,
"What about that joke
where you throw confetti
at the end of it?"
I said, "I haven't written
that joke yet,
"'cause it's based off
this conversation.
Gotcha."
Keep it.
Keep the struggle.
We're having a lot of fun, guys.
Don't worry about--
You don't have
to fill the silences
with laughter or applause.
I don't want you leaving
this show thinking,
"My hands hurt from clapping.
My stomach hurts from laughing."
I just want you leaving
this show thinking,
"All right."
And we're on our way.
I moved to Hollywood recently
from Boston,
where I grew up, and--
places.
And I heard about these sort
of wild Hollywood party nights
that people would have, and
I didn't think they were true
until I moved to Hollywood
and I started having them.
Anyway, this is a song
about a crazy night
that happened
a couple weeks ago.
It's called
What Did I Do Last Night?
[dance music]
Yeah.
Yeah.
Hey, hey, hey.
What did I do last night?
I cried myself to sleep
[laughter]
[cheers and applause]
It was a good one.
When did my mother
first describe gay sex to me?
Good question.
I was eight years old.
I was eight years old.
She brought me
into the dining room.
She sat right across
the table from me.
She said, "Do you know how your
father and I love each other?"
I said, "Of course.
You and Dad love each other
"more than two people
in the world
could possibly love
each other."
She said, "Well, two men
can love each other
in the exact same way that your
father and I love each other."
She said, "What happens when two
men love each other like that,
"what they do is they take off
all their clothes,
"they get into bed,
and they shit on the Bible!"
[laughter]
So I don't talk to her anymore.
Okay.
- Hello, patient 24602.
- Hi. I'm sorry.
- How are you feeling?
- Not great.
- Has the treatment
been working?
- No, it hasn't been.
- What are your remaining
symptoms?
- I just--I internalize
my feelings.
I just--I have trouble artic--
Like, other people and
relating to them is just hard.
- So basically you're still
a little bitch.
- Real mature of you,
disembodied voice up there.
- I was just joking, nigga.
- We are right by Oakland.
Careful with that shit.
- I'm not human.
I can say whatever I want.
- All right, just get to the--
What's wrong with me?
What is wrong with me, please?
- Your emotions and your logic
are at war.
- Okay.
- Your creativity
and your analysis are at war.
And most simply your left
and right brain are at war.
- My left and my right?
- To fix the problem, we must
separate them from each other.
- Separ--
- Splitting your
neurological functions
in five, four, three...
- Let's just--
will you book an appointment?
You don't just start
counting down.
- One.
This may hurt a bit.
- I don't even know what it is.
- Zero.
- Just--
[dramatic music,
electronic whirring]
- Isolation complete.
This is Bo's left brain:
objective, logical,
cold, analytical,
aware of patterns,
aware of trends.
He's efficient and a prick.
This is Bo's right brain:
subjective, creative, sensory,
aware of feelings,
aware of people.
He's emotional...
- Yes.
- And an idiot.
- That's your opinion, so just--
careful with opinions.
- Okay, boys, play nice.
- I am the left brain,
I am the left brain
I work really hard till
my inevitable death brain
You got a job to do
You better do it right
And the right way is with
the left brain's might
I like Oreos and pussy
Yeah, okay
And I cried
for at least an hour
After watching Toy Story 3
I am the right brain
I have feelings
I'm a little
all over the place
But I'm lustful, trustful
And I'm looking
for somebody to love
And put my penis in
Here comes a female,
here comes a female
Puff your chest out
Take your phone,
and check your email
Our evolutionary purpose
is repopulate
So gather data now and see
if she's a possible mate
Holy fuck,
I think she might be the one
There's something about her
I just can't describe it
Tits.
I am the Earth
She's the glorious sun
I want her to trust me
And I just want her
to sit on my face
Sit.
All right, now, right brain,
you're being insane
No, left brain,
I'm just being alive
You should try it
You might like it
I worked hard to give him
everything he cared about
You were worried
about the things
That he was scared about
I'm calm and collected
when you act wild
I am the adult
You are the child
You think you're the right one
every time
You think
you know everything
You don't know
anything at all
Half of his problems
were supposed to be mine
But you wanted everything
I hope that you're happy,
'cause he's sure not
Well, according to my
calculations, you're a pussy.
Name-calling, really?
We're gonna do name-calling?
I'm not calling names,
all right?
I'm just stating facts.
And the fact is,
you're a quivering pussy.
I'm the pussy? Well, at least
I don't play with toys still.
Okay, Rubik's Cubes
are not toys.
They keep my spatial reasoning
skills sharp.
Left brain plays with toys.
Look at you,
Johnny fucking toy-player.
Well, at least I did
my fucking job.
I kept him working.
I kept him productive.
You were supposed
to look after him.
You were supposed to keep him
emotionally stable
through all this.
Now you're trying to blame me
for how he's feeling.
How he's feeling.
If he's feeling unhappy,
it's because you failed him.
You did this to him.
He hates you. I know he does.
He fucking hates you!
[sobbing]
Right brain, look, I'm sorry.
No, you're not.
Look, maybe there's something
that we could do together
Together?
Take the best parts
of both of us
Put them together
I'm listening.
It would let you
let your feelings out
It would let me analyze
So you could man the themes
I'll man the form
It's something
that George Carlin did
It's something
that Steve Martin did
It's something special
that we could both perform
Do you know what it is?
Juggling? We could juggle
and juggle our cares away.
It was comedy.
We could do comedy together.
- Initiate reassembly.
- All right, all right,
right brain,
we're gonna do comedy together,
all right?
All right, all right,
left brain,
I'll do comedy with you.
Look, we can fix him like this.
We can make him happy again,
I promise.
Left brain, left brain,
I love you.
- Three, two...
- I know.
- One.
Experimentation complete.
- Thank you very much.
[cheers and applause]
At this point of the show,
I'd like to talk
about how deep I am.
And I'm pretty fucking deep,
deep, deep, deep.
[gentle music]
So deep...
that I called this song...
#deep.
Have you ever stopped
to watch a bluebird
Drop from a tree
and take to the air?
Me neither
[laughter]
Have you ever took time out
to finish a rhyme
But the right words
just weren't there?
Meat cleaver
[laughter]
The people in my life
are like grains of sand
'Cause they stick together
Often near my butthole
If life is an ocean
I am
a deep and handsome fish
A fish that's drowning
If the artistic process
is a birth canal
Then I am
a freshly jellied kid
Come witness my crowning
These thoughts of mine
Must be a sign
that I'm
#deep
If Jesus can walk on water,
can He swim on land?
Have you ever accidentally
peed on the toilet seat
Instead of
on your girlfriend's face?
Me neither
Me neither!
Have you ever wrote a song
note for note
And not a single note
was out of place?
Duh.
Hold on.
The people in my life
are like blades of grass
How?
'Cause they're all so grounded
But at least grass
stays away from my butthole
Art is a harlot
And I am
her sassy urban friend
Oh, bitch, why you being
so selfish?
If Mama is right
and the world is my oyster
Then I must have
An allergy to shellfish
You don't know
How could you know?
If life makes you wish
you were dead
Just put on a good movie
Then promptly put a bullet
in your head
Spend forever asleep
'Cause life pales in
comparison to living the dream
#deep
Thank you.
[cheers and applause]
[cute music]
Don't you hate it
when that happens?
Yeah.
Thank you. That's called
Beating Off in "A" Minor.
Yes, yes.
"A" minor, the key,
not the felony.
So...
I believe...
[chuckles]
I believe there's nothing
more manly one can do
than take a shower
with five other guys.
It's true.
It's early cavemen, Cro-Magnon,
wandering through the fog,
you know, scrubbing
five other sapiens.
No homo.
We--oh.
I'd like to do some poems
right now, if that's okay.
We're in this point
of the show.
These poems
are actually from--
I'm releasing this special
for free.
So I'm gonna plug
my poetry book.
These are my new poems from
my poetry book called Egghead
that will be out by the time
this is airing
but not by the time you guys
are seated here right now, so...
But it's good.
They're pretty serious.
And it's all just sort of--
This is sort of the lull
of the show usually.
So I'd like to, at this point,
sort of take the pressure
off the audience
and just read some poems.
And then we'll go back
to the giggles.
So this is a poem by a dog.
"Roses are gray.
"Violets are a different shade
of gray.
Let's go chase cars."
[laughter]
"Me with my strange choice
of adjectives.
You with your muscular teeth
and clockwise vagina."
[laughter]
"I put a chameleon
on a red dildo."
"He blushed."
There we go.
[laughter]
This is a poem about beauty,
about self-image,
and about the ability
to transform.
"Martha was ugly,
like a shaven baboon,
"so she wrapped herself up
in a curtain cocoon.
"And after a week,
she finally emerged.
She smelled like shit.
What a psycho."
[laughter]
"You're incomparable,
like a..."
[laughter]
"I want to beat you to death
with a blunt object.
"I want to grab one of those
high-end fashion mannequins
"by the ankles
and bash your rib cage in.
"I want to sharpen 50 pencils,
bind them with a rubber band,
"stick the lead in your mouth,
and punch the erasers.
"I want to strap you
to a bed of nails,
"then strap that bed of nails
to the hood of my car
"so I can watch you suffer
as we drive over speed bumps
"in a mall parking lot
during an earthquake.
"I want you to somehow survive
a terrible car crash,
"then somehow not survive
a small fender bender
on the way back
from the hospital."
Thank you.
That's called Dad.
[laughter]
This is a poem.
It's really a story that's meant
primarily for children,
but I think it's got a lesson
we could all learn.
"The squares lived happily
in their square houses,
"in their square yard,
in their square town.
"But then one day,
a family of circles
"moved in from the West.
"'Get out of here, roundies,'
"shouted one of the squares.
"'Why?'
said one of the circles.
''Cause this is a metaphor
for racism.'"
[laughter]
"When I walk into a party,
you'd think I was one
"of those long, straight
Tetris pieces,
"'cause everyone's just like,
'Oh, yeah, this guy's here.
Finally. We've been waiting
for him to show up.'"
Like, you wait in the game--
Forget it.
[cheers and applause]
No. You had your chance.
"If I had a million dollars,
"I'd pay your mother
to have sex with me.
Afterwards, I'd probably invest
the remaining $999,990."
$10 for sex with your mother.
Comedy.
I smell comedy.
Well, it was comedy
giving off that scent.
And finally...
"Mid-October,
"with leaves spilled
like colored-pencil shavings,
"the streets dicing our town
into neat, unfair portions.
And me,
eating that pussy, baby."
Thank you so much.
[cheers and applause]
There's things that I don't want
to come across in my show
that I worry often come across
about me,
'cause people don't realize
that it's an act up here.
I don't want you to ever think
that I think
I'm better than people
or that I think
I know better than people.
Anyway, sorry.
Okay.
This is a song
from the perspective of God.
[laughter]
The books you think I wrote
are way too thick
Who needs 1,000 metaphors
To figure out
you shouldn't be a dick?
And I don't watch you
when you sleep
Surprisingly,
I don't use my omnipotence
To be a fucking creep
You're not going to heaven
Why the fuck would you think
I'd ever kick it with you?
None of you
are going to heaven
There's a trillion aliens
cooler than you
You shouldn't abstain
from rape
Just 'cause you think
that I want you to
You shouldn't rape 'cause rape
is a fucked-up thing to do
Pretty obvious--
just don't fucking rape people.
Didn't think I had to write
that one down for you.
I don't think masturbation
is obscene
It's absolutely natural
And the weirdest fucking thing
I've ever seen
You make my job
a living hell
I sent gays
to fix overpopulation
Boy, did that go well
You're not going to heaven
Eat a thousand crackers,
sing a million hymns
None of you
are going to heaven
You're not my children
You're a bad game of Sim
You shouldn't abstain
from pork
Just 'cause you think
that I want you to
You can eat pork
'Cause why the fuck
would I give a shit?
I created the universe.
Think I'm drawing the line
at the fucking deli aisle?
[cheers and applause]
You argue, and you bicker,
and you fight
Atheists and Catholics,
Jews and Hindus
Argue day and night
Over what they think
is true
But no one entertains
the thought
That maybe God
does not believe in you
You pray so badly
for heaven
Knowing any day
might be the day that you die
But maybe life on Earth
could be heaven
Doesn't just the thought of it
make it worth a try?
My love's the type of thing
that you have to earn
And when you earn it,
you won't need it
Oh, my love's the type
of thing that you have to earn
And when you earn it,
you won't need it
I'm not gonna give you love
Just 'cause I know
that you want me to
If you want love, then the
love has got to come from you
[cheers and applause]
- Walking between
the microphones
Is really awkward
- Tell me about it.
Women are stupid.
Yeah, I fucking said it.
They're the weaker, dumber sex.
I can prove it to you.
I like to practice safe sex.
Why?
'Cause I'm a guy,
and I'm smarter.
What do women say every time?
Every time I put on a condom,
what do they say?
"Why are you wearing a condom
if I'm fucking you
with a strap-on?"
"To be safe, bitch."
Women, right?
They're the dumb ones.
It's time for a story.
Let's do a story.
It's time for a story
It's time for a story
A very special story
especially for you
It's time for a story
It's time for a story
Sit down and listen now
Don't be a Jew
This story is called Andy--
That's a glitch.
You can be Jewish.
This story...
this story is called
Andy the Frog,
featuring long
and convoluted similes.
And I'll warn you when one of
those long, convoluted similes
rears its old head.
So here we go.
Once upon a time,
there was a frog named Andy.
Andy lived
at the Patton Park pond
and had never hopped anywhere
else in his entire frog life.
He had three best friends:
Millie, who never left
her lily pad,
Billy, who was always
hopping mad,
and Roger, who was arrested
for possession of tadpole porn.
So one day--
one day,
Andy saw something
hop across the grass
on the other side of the pond.
"Millie, Billy, Roger, look,"
said Andy.
Across the pond stood
the most beautiful frog
Andy had ever seen.
"She's gorgeous,"
said Millie.
"She's beautiful,"
said Billy.
"Bit old for my taste,"
said Roger.
Classic Roger.
And then she was gone.
"I need to go find her,"
said Andy.
"I need to follow
my little frog heart."
So Andy followed
the beautiful frog's footsteps
into the forest.
He then came across a turtle.
"You can't pass,"
said the turtle.
"Please?" said Andy.
"No," said the turtle.
And this is the first
long, convoluted simile.
Then there was a rustling
in the bushes.
And like a man who had been shot
in the chest with a rifle,
the turtle was shot in the chest
with a rifle.
Andy kept moving,
but at this point,
like the doctor
of the Kenyan track team,
his patience ran thin.
Andy kept moving.
He then came across
a giant crocodile.
And the crocodile
began to chant,
"I woke up this morning,
and I sat on a log.
I opened up the menu.
The menu said frog."
Andy said,
"No, no.
"Please let go of me.
I can feel myself dying.
"You're ripping out my insides.
"I'm never gonna find her, am I?
"There's no God, is there?
Fuck! Fuck!"
The end.
The end.
So that's the end
of that story.
[cheers and applause]
Yeah, if you're curious,
the moral of that story
is irrelevant,
'cause we're humans.
Why would it apply to us?
[laughter]
You know, my father is so hard
to get along with
'cause he's such a man's man,
you know?
He believes, like, for example,
you should always fight fire
with fire,
which is a horrible way
to live your life,
especially for him,
'cause he's a firefighter.
So he was fired.
That was as stupid as we get.
But let's get
a little stupider, huh?
There's a creepy old man
fishing in the park
And the only problem is
He tied a candy bar
to the end of his line
He's trying to catch a kid
You know, that stuff.
Trying to get
a little more mainstream.
[chuckles]
People complain about the way
I act onstage very often.
You know, they say, like,
I repeat jokes.
Or they also say that...
they say--they don't get, again,
that this is an act onstage.
And they think, onstage, I act
too arrogant, too self-obsessed,
solipsistic,
self-contained, synonyms.
And they want me to be--
they want me to be
a comic of the people,
you know, relate to the people
with the overarching glue
of comedy.
So I want to do a little bit of
relatable comedy for you guys.
I'm like you guys.
You know, once a week,
I like to slip
into a deep
existential depression
where I lose all my sense
of oneness and self-worth.
[chuckles] And what I like to do
in order to assure myself
that I am unique
and I'm not just one of many
small, white, indistinguishable,
perfectly cylindric
checker pieces
in Jesus and Satan's
backgammon game is, I will--
I'll say a group of words
that I think no one
has ever said in that order
so that when I say it,
I feel like,
"Look at me, participating
in this new moment
that no one's
ever been a part of."
So I'll say something random,
like, "Peanut butter tribadism."
Or, "I'm your father,
and I loved your comedy show."
[laughter]
Or, "At first,
I wasn't comfortable
"leaving him alone
with my children,
"but then I saw his mustache.
Phew."
Or, "Yo, check out
this Amish Website."
Or, "I work at a tollbooth,
and I don't want
to kill myself."
Or--
that's too real.
Or, "Yo, man, my life's
about three things, man,
"three things:
"getting money, getting pussy,
and the Dewey decimal system."
Or...
Or, "Hey, can you hold
my fanny pack?
I'm gonna go fuck a woman."
[cheers and applause]
If I could break--
I want to thank you all
for being here,
because I'm so grateful
that you'd all come here
and spend an hour
of your time with me.
And if you're watching at home
or whatever
on a computer or something,
if you've made it this far,
thank you very much
for watching.
Genuinely, this is my favorite
thing to do.
And I'm so grateful for people
watching it and enjoying it.
Okay, I will now recede back
into my stage persona.
I just blacked out
for 20 seconds.
Thank you for coming.
Love songs used to be
so beautiful.
You know, "Let us go, then,
you and I,
"when the evening has spread out
against the sky
like a patient etherized
upon a table."
T.S. Eliot, beautiful.
Love songs nowadays,
just as beautiful, guys.
Usher, Justin Bieber,
1D, you know them.
But these new artists--
they've done something
very strange to the format
of the love song.
They've changed it a bit.
And I tried to capture
how they've changed
the format of the love song
with this love song.
I hope you enjoy it
and mark the differences.
[gentle music]
Jason Derulo
[laughter]
I love your hair,
I love your name
I love the way you say it
I love your heart
And you're so smart,
'cause you gave away it
I love your sis,
I love your dad
I love your mom,
but more than all of that
I love the fact
that you are dumb enough
To not realize
everything I've said
Has been said before
in 1,000 ways
In 1,000 songs
sung with the same four chords
But you'll still love it
and let me finger you
Yeah, finger you,
finger you
Oh, girl, I hope you
don't think that I'm rude
When I tell you
that I love you, boo
I also hope
that you don't see through
This cleverly
constructed ruse
Designed
by a marketing team
Cashing in on puberty
and low self-esteem
And girls' desperate need
to feel loved
America says
we love a chorus
But don't get complicated
and bore us
Though meaning
might be missing
We need to know the words
after just one listen
So repeat stuff,
repeat stuff
Repeat stuff, repeat stuff,
repeat stuff
Repeat stuff, repeat stuff,
repeat stuff
Repeat stuff, repeat stuff
Yeah,
oh, you know it
I love my baby,
and you know
I couldn't live
without her
But now I need
to make every girl
Think this song's about her
Just to make sure that they
spread it like the plague
So I describe my dream girl
as really, really vague
Like, I love your hands
'Cause your fingerprints
are like no other
I love your eyes and their
Bluish, brownish,
greenish color
I love it when you smile
that you smile wide
And I love how your torso
has an arm on either side
Now, if you're my agent,
you might be thinking
"Oh, no, sound the alarms
"You're not appealing
to little girls
"Who don't have arms
"But they can't use iTunes,
so fuck them
Who needs them?"
Oh, girl, I--
Oh, hello, Satan.
Satan, you taste so good.
Repeat stuff,
repeat stuff
Repeat stuff, repeat stuff,
repeat stuff
Everybody.
all:
Repeat stuff, repeat stuff
Repeat stuff
- Come on, louder.
I can't hear you.
all: Repeat stuff,
repeat stuff, repeat stuff
Repeat stuff
[cheers and applause]
Young ones, listen up.
I'm in magazines
Full of model teens
So far above you
So read them
and hate yourself
Then pay me to tell you
I love you
[hoarsely]
I love you.
And your parents
will always come along
Because their little girl
is in love
And how could love
be wrong?
How could love be wrong?
When you repeat stuff,
repeat stuff
Repeat stuff, repeat stuff
[blathers]
I am a vessel.
Illuminati.
We know it's not right
We know it's not funny
But we'll stop beating
this dead horse
When it stops
spitting out money
But until then
We will repeat stuff
[cheers and applause]
Thank you so much.
You guys have been
absolutely amazing.
You've been
absolutely amazing.
That's the end of the show.
I probably should've ended it
on a sort of higher note there.
But, yeah,
that's the end of what.
I hope you liked it.
- Bo, oh, my God.
How are you?
I haven't seen you
since, like, freshman year.
Oh, my God.
You were so, like, skinny
and weird back then.
But now you're--
Anyway, you should totally come
to this party I'm having tonight
with a bunch
of my college friends.
It's gonna be
off the chain hook.
It's gonna be so good.
You can play some songs for us
or something.
I've been telling everybody
how good of friends we were
back in the day.
I know we never talked
or hung out ever.
But I think that's what made
our friendship so special,
you know?
Anyway, text me.
Okay, bye.
- Mr. Burnham.
How you doing?
Good? Good.
I'm an agent
from out in Los Angeles.
Really dig your stuff, man.
It's out there, you know.
I totally get it.
And the best part about it, man,
you got all these young fans,
which is great, because young
people--they're very passionate,
and they're
very reliable consumers.
But what you got to do
in order to take your career
to the next level,
you got to cater
more heavily to them.
All right, we've done studies.
Young people do not respond
to this,
you know,
introspective material
or these challenges
to the form, you know.
Young people want jokes
they can relate to, okay?
So write a silly song
about Facebook, you know?
Write some jokes about Twitter
or sugary cereals
or Razor scooters.
Relate to them.
You know, also,
you got to reestablish
your presence on the Internet,
buddy, all right?
It's not important whether
the material's good or not.
What's important
is that you keep
the Bo Burnham brand
alive and well.
You get it?
Cool.
We'll discuss more later.
I know it's a lot.
My number
is 310-555...
[mumbles]
- Fag.
What up, dude?
What's up?
How are you, man?
You've changed, bro.
You've changed.
I never knew you.
But my friend's
old roommate's friend
said he knew you in high school,
and you became a real asshole
once all this comedy stuff
started happening.
What is it, man?
You think you're better than us?
You think you're better than us
just 'cause you're tall?
Well, congrats, man.
You're tall.
Wow.
It's incredible.
You want a trophy
for being tall?
We should just give trophies
to tall things.
Then every tree and building
will have a trophy.
Does that make sense?
Yo, why are you acting all quiet
and weird right now?
Yo, I know why you are.
It's 'cause you're an arrogant
prick, that's why,
an arrogant fucking prick.
I once heard
that you actually act quiet
because you're shy
and introverted in real life
and that people
shouldn't expect you
to act the same way offstage
as you do onstage.
[laughs]
Yeah.
Yeah, that makes no sense.
Anyway, you want to buy
some weed?
- Bo, oh, my God.
Bo, oh, my God.
Bo.
Bo.
Bo, Bo, Bo, Bo, Bo, Bo, Bo.
Oh, my God.
- Mr. Burnham.
- Bo, Bo.
- Fag.
- Bo, oh, my God.
- Mr. Burnham.
- Bo, Bo.
- Fag.
- Bo, oh, my God.
- Mr. Burnham.
- Bo, Bo.
- Fag.
- Bo, oh, my God.
- Mr. Burnham.
- Bo, Bo.
- Fag.
- Bo, oh, my God.
- Mister--
- Fag.
- Mister--Mister--
- Fag.
- Bo, oh, my God.
- Mister--
- Fag.
- Mister--Mister--
- Fag.
- Bo.
- Fag.
- Oh, my God.
- Fag.
- Mi--mi--
- Fag.
- Mi--mi--
Mr. Burnham.
- Fag. Fag.
- Oh, my God.
- Fag.
Fag.
- Mi--mi--
- Fag.
- Mi--mi--
- Fag.
- Mi--mi--
- Fag.
- Mi--mi--
- Fag.
- I am Satan, lord of darkness.
- Bo, oh, my God.
- Fag.
- Mr. Burnham.
- Fag.
- Bo.
- Fag.
- Oh, my God.
[insects chirping]
- Fag.
- Bo.
- Fag.
- Oh, my God.
- Mr. Burnham.
- Fag.
- Bo.
- Fag.
- Bo, oh, my God.
- Fag.
- Mr. Burnham.
- Fag.
- Bo.
[impact sounds]
- Hey.
- Hey.
- What the hell?
- Hey.
- Hey.
- You're not gonna hit the girl?
That's sexist.
- F-f-f-fag.
- Mister--Mi--Mi--Mister--
- Bo, Bo.
- We think you've changed, bro.
- We know best.
- You suck.
- We think you've changed, bro.
- We know best.
- You suck.
- We think--
- We know--
- You.
- We think--
- We know--
- You.
- We think--
- We know--
- You.
- We think--
- We know--
- You.
- We think--
- We know--
- You.
- We think--
- We know--
- You.
- We think--
- We know--
- You.
- We think--
- We know--
- You.
- We think--
- We know--
- You.
- We think--
- We know--
- You.
- We think--
- We know--
- You.
- We think--
- We know--
- You.
- We think--
- We know--
- You.
- We think--
- We know--
- You.
- We think--
- We know--
- You.
- We think--
- We know--
- You.
- We think--
- We know--
- You.
- We think-
- We know--
- You.
- We think--
- We know--
- You.
- We think--
- We know--
- You.
- We think--
- We know--
- You.
- We think--
- We know--
- You.
- We think--
- We know--
- You.
- We think--
- We know--
- You.
- We think--
- We know--
- You.
[electronic music]
- We think--
- We know--
- You.
- We think--
- We know--
- You.
all:
We think we know you
We think we know you
We think we know you
We think we know you
We think we know you
We think we know you
We think we know you
- Mister--Mister--
Mister--
Mister.
- Bo, oh, my God.
Bo, oh, my God.
Bo.
Oh, my God
Bo, oh, my God
Bo, oh, my God
- Fag, fag
- Bo
- Fag, fag
- Oh, my God
- Fag, fag
- Bo, oh, my God
- Fag, fag, fag
Fag, fag
- Bo, Bo
- Fag, fag
- Bo, Bo
Oh, my God
Oh, my God
Oh, my God
Oh, my God
Oh, my God
- Mr. Burnham
Mr. Burnham
- Oh, my God
- Mr. Burnham
- Oh, my God
- Mr. Burnham
- Oh, my God
- Mr. Burnham
Mr. Burnham.
[cheers and applause]
- Bo, you going to school
in the fall?
- What?
- You going to school this year?
- No.
You leave, and I'll go--
and I'll stay at my school.
- Yeah, right.
Who's your teacher gonna be?
- Mrs. Blanket.
- Who?
- Mrs. Blanket.
- Mrs. Boynton?
- No, Mrs. Boynton
is gonna be Mrs. Blanket.
- Oh.
- That's my friend, Mrs.--
That's my teacher,
Mrs. Blanket.
And that's my teacher,
Mrs. Blanket.
- Bosy, what do you think
you're gonna do at school?
- Oh...
I'm gonna bring Jell-O
and a fruit snack
and Tinker Bell
and all my stuff
and all my stuff
and banana and apple--
- Yeah, I know.
You're gonna eat some snacks.
But what else
are you gonna do there?