- I am the matriarch
of a great American family
taking on the ultimate challenge:
The perfect family meal.
- I understand, Mama Clara.
- Working in a small takeout franchise
is traditionally a gateway
to bigger and better things.
- In understand, Mama Clara.
- When you create synergies,
you solve problems.
- I understand, Mama Clara.
- But that is what happens
when I go to the bathroom
and leave you in charge
of the french fries.
- Well, give me another chance.
[Boom!]
- Ahhh!
- Give your Uncle Bob another chance.
- Bob, you're no uncle
and I'm no mama.
Cute names are company policy,
that's all!
Just feel-good stuff
so they can pay you less.
- But we're family!
Look around!
- UH!
- Ohhhh!
- Dad!
- Ahhhhh!
- You okay?
- Dad!
We're family!
- This is my real father, Bob!
There's a difference!
[Sirens wailing]
Time was drifted
This rock had got to roll
So I hit the road
and made my getaway
Restless feeling
Really got a hold
- Sorry!
I started searching
for a better way
But I kept on looking for a sign
in the middle of the night
But I couldn't see the light
No, no, no, stop, stop, stop!
[Honking]
Ahhhhh!
To take me through the night
I couldn't get it right
- Help!
Help!
I couldn't get it right
- Grab on to this rope here!
Pull it.
Ahhhh!
L.A. Fever
Made me feel alright
Ah!
But I must admit
it got the best of me
Hi, people.
Getting down so deep
I could have drowned
Oh, save the fishes!
Save the fishes!
Now I can't get back
the way I used to be
But I kept on looking for a sign
in the middle of the night
But I couldn't see the light
no I couldn't see the light
[monkey screeching]
To take me
through the night-ight-ight
Couldn't get it right
I'm an astronaut, I'm a ballerina!
I'm an astronaut, I'm a ballerina!
[Babies crying]
Shave, shave, shave...
- Ahhhh!
- Sorry.
New York City
Took me with the tide
And I nearly died
from hospitality
Left me stranded
Took away my pride
Just another no-account fatality
Ahhhh!
- Oh.
Looking for a sign
in the middle of the night
But I couldn't see the light
No I couldn't see the light
- Huh, I'm gonna need
a bigger board.
It's not a big deal, Rascal.
We're only on the Bs, remember.
[Rascal squeaking]
Got all this to go.
Okay, so we did burger assistant.
Next up, we have...
business consulting.
Butcher?
[Loud squeaking]
Oh, whoa.
Hey, listen to this.
Listen.
"Cosmopolitan Butler School
Become part of a family
in 5 days"
Rascal,
[squeaking]
We're going butling.
[Scooter backfires repeatedly]
- Do you think
you canna be a Lassie?
- Nine-thirty?
[Whistle blowing]
- Good morning, students.
[All]: Good morning, sir.
- Two lines, please.
Chop, chop!
My name is Butler.
I'm a born butler
in all senses of the phrase.
I come from a long line of butlers.
In only five days,
you will each receive
a certificate of competence
to wait on any family
on this side of the pond.
For those that are interested,
the full English course
lasts a further 17 years.
Standards are slightly higher.
So, what does a butler...
do? Hmm?
Answer: Everything.
He must cook, clean,
tend the garden,
groom the horses,
write letters, iron shirts.
Arrange appointments,
greet guests, run baths,
buy groceries, pack cases,
unpack cases,
make reservations,
cancel reservations
and still find time
to be a confidant.
Understood?
[All]: Yes, sir.
- Yes, sir!
- Grooming is crucial to the role.
Substantial facial hair
is quite unacceptable.
Rabbi,
how would you serve soup?
- But really...
- It goes, or you go.
- Oh.
- Butlers must be immaculately dressed.
So what's your excuse,
you miserable heap of mess?
- This is me tidy.
- Not in my book.
Do you possess
any offensively tasteless tattoos
perpetrated in a drunken haze?
- No.
- Any piercings of body parts?
- I do have a series
of small holes in my tongue
from when I was six.
My cousin, he gave me
a black-sea-urchin thing
and told me
it was a chocolate muffin.
[Man stifling laughter]
I think they've...
grown over.
- Show me your nipples.
[Man stifled laughter]
- My nipples?
- Yes, your nipples.
Hmm...
You can't blame a man for asking.
Frankly, you look the weird sort.
- I'm weird?
- Come on, come on!
Tess! Tess!
This elevator has already left.
Ssstop that!
You're causing a delay.
- I have an important meeting.
- If was so important,
you would've left earlier,
like I did.
- Mother, you're embarrassing us.
- Stop.
- Ow.
Witch!
- That's a rude person.
- Suck-up.
- Any news, Judith?
- Not yet.
- Okay.
Kate.
All right, go.
- Mr. Dickens called.
Urgent.
- Skip. Next.
Next, the investment
conference call. Urgent.
- Save. Next.
- Jacques called about dinner
on Monday.
- Confirm. Eight o'clock.
- It's them.
- Okay. Put 'em through.
- Good luck.
- A word or two about money.
Money makes the world go round,
doesn't it?
[All]: Yes, Mr. Butler.
- Balderdash.
Trust, not money.
That's what makes
the world go round.
If I haven't been able to produce
at least one trustworthy butler
out of this course,
then I've wasted my time.
- Ah-ah!
Sorry. Sorry!
- As I've made clear,
you will be in complete control
of the household.
However, you will be treated
by all other members of the household
as if you were slightly less significant
than a piece of used toilet paper.
To simulate this, I've devised
a rather amusing little exercise.
- You're enjoying this, aren't you?
- I'm getting no pleasure from it
whatsoever!
- Yeah, right.
- Bull'seye!
- Now, look,
open wide for one teeny,
weeny little baked bean,
or I'll tell your mom.
- But I'll tell her you hit me.
- What?!
- I'll tell her you hit me
and pulled my hair.
Ahhhhh!
- Okay, leave the friggin' food.
- You swore!
You swore
in front of my little brother.
Can I watch MTV tonight?
- I will not be blackmailed
by you children.
[Screaming]
- Mrs. Withington,
what happened?!
- Sorry, Miss Jamieson,
but they are the devil's seed!
- Oh, no,
they're just playing with you.
They're delightful children, really.
Undemeath all the horrible stuff.
Please, I promised Jacques
I would not let him down again.
- Ho-ho!
- Ah!
Babysitters...
[phone ringing]
- Hello?
- Bob the Babysitter?
- No, ma'am.
This is Bob the Butler.
- Now, look.
I definitely have this number down
for Bob the Babysitter.
- Well, that was
at least seven jobs back.
- But you were a babysitter once?
- Well, yes.
Ahem. Just once.
- Oh, please,
this is an emergency.
- One minute, please.
Rascal, damsel in distress.
May I have your leave?
[Squeaking]
Thank you, Master Rascal.
I'd be happy to.
- Oh... my.
Are you Bob?
- At your service.
- You-you have a piece of tomato
in your hair.
- Oh.
- Ew.
- Gone.
- Okay, well, um,
I want you to meet my children.
This is my daughter, Tess.
- Miss Tess. Hello.
Lovely name.
- My son, Bates.
- Mm. Master...
Bates.
Also lovely.
- Gross.
- What's gross?
- Okay.
Have to go,
so do me a favour and...
do not hurt him.
Bob, please don't sit on any
of the nice chairs unless you have to.
- Okay.
- What's gross?
- Never mind.
Good night, children.
- Good night, Mother.
Enjoy your romantic evening out.
Have fun!
- Don't forget the back ones, Master.
- Why do you call me Master?
- I'm studying to be a butler.
- I don't like it.
Master Bates.
It just feels wrong.
- Indeed.
How about I call you Bates?
- I like that.
- Yeah, just Bates.
- Mm-hmm.
- Miss Tess?
- Uh!
[Sniffing]
- Oh, no. Not again.
Water. Water!
Quick, quick, quick, quick...!
Oh, no.
Hmm. Mm...
Nice chair.
- Bates. You awake?
- When will Mom be back?
- I think Bob's a real find.
He's so stupid,
he didn't even tell me off
for smoking.
- Smoking kills. I read it.
- Sisters kill too,
so keep your mouth shut.
- He let me sleep
in my fireman costume.
- He's crazy.
- I like him
more than Mrs. Withington.
- Would you like
to have him back?
- Can we?
- Leave it to me.
- Thanks for a lovely evening.
- Ah, the pleasure was all mine.
- I'd invite you up
- I know, the children will up
as usual.
[Anne laughing]
- Omigod!
- What? What's wrong?
- The children's lights are all out!
What's wrong?
- Nothin'.
They've been good as gold.
- Oh, cut the BS.
What, are they bound and gagged
somewhere?
- You really should be congratulated,
ma'am,
on raising
such wondrous progeny.
Can I go now?
- Uh, normally, they're, uh...
a pain in the derriere.
I think here you say "brats."
- Well, I never say "brats."
- Well, I don't know
what you did,
but I'm impressed.
Jacques, will you pay Bob for me?
- Of course!
[Chortling]
I'm, uh...
tipping you
very generously here.
I want you to know why.
Tonight, with the kids in bed,
all night,
I get to do
what Frenchmen love to do most...
- You gonna look in the mirror
for eight hours?
Thanks, Jack.
- This moming,
those of us that remain
will address the basic skills required
for a typical day,
starting with undressing the master.
Now, I shall need a volunteer.
Mr. Tree, if you please.
Jacket.
Tie.
Waistcoat. The vest, to you.
Shirt.
- Ah, come on,
haven't you got some kind of dummy?
- Dear boy, if you intend
to be a butler, you better get used
to naked old flesh.
- You sure this isn't a British thing?
I mean, most Americans
know how to dress themselves.
- On the contrary.
We are here to educate them
to do it better.
And to dress for the right occasion.
- Whoa!
Yo, I'm outta here.
- Well, Bob,
you seem to be
the last one left.
- Mr. Butler,
I don't really know
if this is necessary.
I mean... I'll give 100 bucks
if you leave the rest on.
One-hundred and fifty.
A thousand!
Please stop there.
- Right.
Mr. Tree, let's get cracking, then.
Dress me.
[Door chiming]
- Bob, no! Nuh-uh.
- It's okay.
It's okay, Nico.
I don't wanna work here.
I can't stand the sight of blood.
All that screaming.
- You took the guy's earlobe off.
- Not on purpose.
Ah!
- You used to work here?
- Of course I used to work here.
"Barber" comes before "butler"
in the Yellow Pages.
- So how do you like it?
- Neat and tidy.
- As the man says.
- No beard.
- No beard?
- Butlers don't have beards.
- Butlers wear beards.
- No beard.
- Abit of beard.
- No beard at all.
- Itty-bit of beard?
- No beard whatever.
- Itsy-bit of beard?
- No.
Not even a little bitty-bitty-bitty-
weeny-bitty beard.
- Itty-bit of butler beard?
- Beardless.
- Itty-bit of butler beard?
- No beard!
- Itty-bit of butler beard,
itty-bit of butler beard,
itty-bit of butler bear.
Settled.
- So?
- Well, pretty much as it is.
- What do you expect to do, Bob,
if this doesn't work out?
- I'll probably move on
to the Cs. You know?
Camping guide,
carpet cleaner,
carwasher,
computer hacker.
- Extraordinary.
You seem to have such faith
in yourself...
where none is justified.
- Thanks, Mr. Butler.
- Well, well, well.
Agentleman's gentleman,
by George!
- Loving breaths...
of deep...
[inhaling deeply]
...acceptance.
- All right, can we speed it up,
please?
Look - ahem -
here's my needs analysis.
I think it'll save time.
- What are you saving time for?
Yourfamily?
But you don't even have time
to enjoy your kids. Or Jacques.
- Jack's not family.
- There's too much work.
I need more time.
- Remember your mantra.
- "I cannot organize the world...
blah-blah-blah."
- Maybe you could work just as hard
and find someone
who brings the best
out of me and Bates.
- Tess, that is
a very sensible suggestion.
Do you have anyone in mind?
- Not really.
- Well...
I quite like the babysitter
we had last night.
- But Tess said he was freaky.
- He's too strict.
- He's way too strict.
- Definitely not him.
- Uh-uh.
- Well, it's not your call, children.
[Wind blowing]
- What are we doing?
- Come on, come on, come on.
Up you get.
Standing still, Mr. Tree,
is highly prized in butler circles.
- Freak.
- Just get up.
- Tiny people down below...
- Good.
I want you to clear your mind
and relax.
- Relax?
You kidding me?
I'm standing inches
from certain death here.
- I'll tell you what,
think of the most beautiful thing
you've seen in the last 48 hours.
- Other than your ass?
- Now come on. You can do it.
I'm beginning
to have faith in you, Bob.
- Okay,
I've got it.
- What is it?
- It's a woman.
- Can you picture her?
- Yes.
- Excellent.
Hold that thought.
- Hey, kiddo, how was your day?
- Okay.
- Just okay?
Mine was pretty good.
Do you wanna hear about it?
- Does it have anything to do
with capital management?
- Yes.
- No.
[Slurping sound]
It's polite to knock.
- It's bedtime, sweetheart.
- I haven't finished.
- Now. Please?
- No.
- Ah, that's just what I need.
Thank you.
Do you wanna hear about my day?
- Now?
Your mind is full of work and kids,
work and kids, work and kids.
That leaves little for me.
- I am trying to sell my business,
Jacques.
- For months, ma chrie.
But when?
- I'm thinking of hiring Bob.
- The babysitter?
- The butler.
- The children will live with him?
I'm joking.
- No, he'll live in the attic.
We'll have a babysitter
wheneverwe want.
- Perfect.
[Knocking]
- Can you hurry up in there?
You've been in there for hours.
- Almost finished.
- You'll tidy all this up?
- Yeah.
- Bates, stop that!
- Ah!
- It's a toilet bidet.
- What's a toilet bidet?
- It's like a fountain for your ass...
- Ask me later.
- Jack says he's here.
- The butler!
Now then, Robert
- Actually, my name's Bob.
- Oh, well, Bob is short for Robert.
- Isn't Rob short for Robert?
- Yes.
- So then Bob
would be short for Bobert.
- Your name is Bobert?
- No.
Just Bob.
- Okay, then.
As long as we're satisfied
with first names,
can we continue?
- Of course.
Though I don't know your name.
Is it all right if I call you
Mistress Jamieson?
- No.
That sounds rather sordid,
doesn't it?
Perhaps you could
just call me Anne.
- Anne.
- Just Anne.
- Anne.
- Yes.
Anne.
- Et bien?
- Anne.
- Mr. Tree, how many children
do you have?
- Well, I don't have any children.
- But you said in the flyer
that you would take care
of the children like your own.
- Yeah, if I had some.
Ahem.
- But you did just recently attend
the Cosmopolitan Butler School?
- Is all tidy.
- Uh, how much do I owe you?
What did he say?
- Uh, he said
he'll drop the bill off next week.
- Um - ahem - Jacques
got me a wonderful present:
A state-of-the-art toilet.
- A toilet?
What a nice gift.
[Speaking Japanese]
- My goodness, Bob,
I had no idea
that you were fluent in Japanese.
- I worked in the Asian market.
- Well, that's impressive.
- You sold stock?
- Stalks,
vegetables,
some strangely shaped fruits.
Horseshoe-shaped...
fruits.
- Uh, Bob, I would like
to go over a few specifics.
I colour-categorize my sponges.
- Hmm?
- Blue for bathroom, yellow for kitchen,
purple for general,
green for the outdoors, car included.
Please don't confuse them.
- Fine.
- No strange women in the house.
- Fine.
- No drugs. No pets.
- Fine.
- You allergic?
- They're unhygienic.
- Fine.
- So what do you think?
- He is very strange.
- So what do you think?
- He is very strange.
I don't understand
this Rob-Bob-Bobert business.
- Well, I suppose
we could always interview
other candidates.
- There are other candidates?
- No.
I hired an assistant once.
She seemed perfect,
she worked hard,
she did everything I told her to.
One lunchtime,
I saw her in the gym.
She had a shower
and then changed right back
into herworkout bra.
- I'm lost.
- I fired her on the spot,
of course.
- You fired her
because of her sweaty bra?
Do you think Bobert wears a bra?
- Oh, who knows.
But if it doesn't work out,
I'll change him.
- Okay.
- Ah... Bates!
- Sorry, Mom.
- I think you'll find
everything you need.
I'm sure it's not up
to your professional standards.
- It's...
white.
- Yeah.
Oh, I'm sorry it is such a mess.
[Singing]:
I can indeed organize the world
[squeaking]
- Hey, Rascal.
Home.
We are robots!
We are monster robots!
I am Robot Man!
Get out of my way.
I am Computer Man...
- Aren't you a little old
to play with toys?
- Well, I don't usually
play with them, but...
I got these
when about your age and...
I figured I'd give them
to my own son one day.
- Didn't he want them?
- Ahem.
The children are in bed, ma'am.
- Oh, thank you, Bob.
Music to my ears.
- Is there anything else
I can do for you?
- No. Thank you.
I'll see you in the morning.
- I hope you don't mind,
but, um, I couldn't find any towels
for your bathroom.
- Mm, no.
I don't use them.
- Okay, then.
- They breed germs.
I have a body-dryer.
- A body-dryer?
- Yes.
- Like a hairdryer?
- Bigger.
Much more hygienic.
Did I mention the sponge system?
Blue for the bathroom...
- Purple, yellow, green.
- Oh. Well, good night, then.
- Good night.
[Sniffing]
[Sniffing]
[Whistling]
- What's that smell?
- Cooking.
- Real food?
- Well, I guess Bob made us breakfast.
Where did you get that blouse?
- It's an old one.
- Yeah, like really old.
Like five years tool old.
It's way too small for you.
- Is not.
- Is.
- Is not.
- Let's have Bob decide.
Bob?
[Bob singing]
- Is not.
- Is.
- Yes, ma'am?
- Tess's blouse - indecently small,
or acceptable fashion?
- Sorry, Miss Tess.
- That's a lot of pancakes.
- It's more cost-effective
to prepare in bulk.
- They teach you
that bulk stuff at butler school?
- Actually, at the finest...
the finest cooking school
in the world.
- The Cordon Bleu.
- The U.S. Army.
- The army? Cool.
- Would you like some pancakes,
Miss Tess?
- Sure, make me out on 50 pounds.
That'll make me popular.
- Getting grounded
for being rude
will definitely make you popular.
- Miss Tess, I wanna prepare
a special dinner tonight.
Sort of an introduction.
What does your mother like?
- She likes anything she can eat quickly
so she can get back to work.
- You know what'd be good?
Aluau.
She loves the whole Hawaiian thing.
- A luau, huh?
- Pork?
- Okay, I'll look into that.
I knew a guy once,
he was kind of a nervous fellow.
Used to bite his nails.
One day,
he was so upset,
he ate his whole hand.
- He did not.
- By the time
we pulled him off, he'd chewed
all the way up to the elbows.
- That is stupid.
- That fellow has to wear a muzzle now.
A muzzle.
All because he couldn't talk
about his problems.
I don't know about that outfit,
Miss Tess.
Are you getting out?
- I've got basketball today.
- That's great.
I love basketball.
- You're not underfourfoot.
Ah...
- Hey.
- Hi.
Guess what.
- You joined the Britney Spears
fan club?
- My mom hired a butler.
- He looks
like he's from Transylvania.
- He's not the only one.
[Laughing]
- They remind me
of the Addams Family.
[Laughing]
- Sad, sad, sad.
[Baby crying]
- Helloooo.
Hellooooo.
Hellooooo.
Ahem.
Nice melons.
- Thank you.
Nice cucumber.
- Thanks.
- You.
[Whispering]
- You.
- You.
- You.
- You.
- You.
- You.
[Blowing whistle]
[Beep]
[Music playing]
[Music playing louder]
[Beep]
- Ah!
Ladies you're damn right
Can't read a man's mind
We're living in two tribes
and heading for war
Whoo!
Nobody's perfect
We all gotta work it
but fellas we're worth it
So don't break the law
ah ah ah ah
I'm just a love machine
feeding my fantasy
Give me a kiss or three
We just need a squeeze
instead of this negligee
What will the neighbours think
This time
come take my hand
Understand that you can
You're my man
and I need you tonight
Come make my dreams
honey hard as it seems
Loving me is as easy as pie
I'm just a love machine
Feeding my fantasy
give me a kiss or three
Ooh, yeah.
- Hi.
- How ya doin'?
- Good.
- Where's your sister?
- I don't know.
Her cool friends
are very sensitive.
- She have a lot of friends?
- Compared to me,
or to normal people?
- Tess said she'd rather die
than be collected
by a man
who looks like a penguin.
- I only take random insults
from immediate friends and family.
- I'm Tess's best friend.
- Good enough.
Where is she?
- Waiting for you to leave
over cover of nightfall.
- Thank you.
Miss Tess!
Tess Jamieson!
Your butler is here and waiting!
Hurry up,
or I'll throw out
yourfavourite Bamey video!
And your stash of letters
to one J. Timberlake!
So how'd basketball go?
- I stunk.
What's you expect?
- I dunno.
What did you expect?
- Well, I thought I'd be lousy.
- Well, then it all worked out
the way you thought.
Miss Tess, how was your day?
- Do you gamble?
- What do you got in mind?
- I bet you'll be fired
within a week.
- What odds are you offering?
Doesn't anyone want
to sit up front with the luau dinner?
[Hawaiian music playing]
[Bob humming]
Dinner is served!
- This is so perfect.
- You think she'll like it?
- She'll be breathless.
It's a napkin, moron.
- Why the hurry?
- He made us all dinner.
The least we can do
is show him a little gratitude.
[Gasping]
Oh, my good God.
Aluau.
Who's idea was this?
- The butler.
- One Mississippi, two Mississippi,
three Mississippi, five Mississippi,
six Mississippi, seven Mississippi,
nine Mississippi, 10 Mississippi!
- Mm, rich, full-bodied...
Hmm, I smell a hint of mushroom.
- Shitake?
- Portobello. Burgundy region.
I will take you there one day.
- Can I come to Verdungy?
- Oh, Bates, sweet,
but it's not for les enfants.
[Bob whimpering]
I think it will be a trip
just for your mother and me.
- Jacques is joking.
Heh-heh.
Of course we can all go together.
The children would love it.
- Ah, the children. Of course.
- Can we go, Mom?
Just the three of us?
Jackass doesn't have to come.
- Jackass?
Who is Jackass.
[Anne "laughing"]
- I think that Bates
has an imaginary friend.
- Madam...
kalua pu'a.
The custom is to prepare the food
in a an imu,
or underground oven.
- Sounds... wonderful.
Doesn't it, children?
[Gasping]
[Tess]: Gross.
[Anne whimpering]
- It is normally served
with a mashed taro root,
or poi.
- God!
- Plug it! Plug it up!
Ah! Ahh!
- Hot piggy! Hot piggy!
Oh, Lord.
Stay with me! Stay with me!
[Bates and Anne screaming]
[Screaming]
[All screaming]
- I cannot organize the world,
I cannot organize the world...
[boom!]
Oh...
- I think you'll find
that I just won the bet.
- Moi. I'm the Jackass.
Jacques-ass.
I'm not stupid, Anne.
Is he not Bob-ass, this butler?
- Oh, I'm so sorry.
Here, let me help you.
- Imbecile!
But no, you do not want
to check his references!
- I just wanted
to make a nice dinner.
Sort of a thank-you?
- Well, maybe if I talk to Mom.
Would that help?
- Nah. I'm the screw-up.
I've done this before.
- You blew up another pig?
- Bedtime, Bates.
- Good luck.
- Can you give me one good reason
why I shouldn't fire you right now?
- Yes.
- Okay.
I'm listening.
- Can I have till tomorrow morning?
- This is a complete disaster area!
My pristine dining room
is covered in pig shrapnel!
- I'll clean it up.
- You better.
- Every...
shred.
- Oh, and, Bob,
I think it's best if you never, ever...
ever cook anything again.
- Yes, ma'am.
[Knocking]
Thought you should know
- Closed door, big hint.
...I'm staying.
- I thought servants were meant
to be seen and not heard.
- Hey, these are great.
- Hey! Gimme that!
It's private!
- Don't get your knickers in a knot.
- Look, look, look, look, look,
look, look. Look.
- Okay.
[Laughing]
Take your time today
There's no hurry
you can wait a while
If only for a smile
Take your time today
There's no hurry
- All right!
- There you go!
You can wait a while
Oh!
If only for a smile
Oh! Jeez! Ahhh!
- Sorry!
So have you decided
Hmm? Uh-huh.
To change your worn-out mind
Then take your time today
There's no hurry
You can wait a while
[cellphone ringing]
- Hello?
Hi, Mom.
I'm in a tree.
[Laughing]
- Miss Tess.
- There you go.
- Bates, there you are.
- Thanks!
- Nice hat.
Take your time today
- Five in a row. Right back.
[Humming]
- Shoot some balls with me?
- Sure.
- What's that?
- What?
- Have you got
a remote-control ball?
- Rascal?
- Who's Rascal?
- Rascal!
Rascal!
Rascal!
Rascal!
Rascal!
[Screaming]
Rascal!!!
- Bob!!!!
Bob!
Bob!
Bob, stop!
- Rascal!!!
- Poor thing.
Someone's been
a very naughty butler.
[Rascal squeaking]
- Oh...
[squeaking]
Oh... Oh, Rascal.
Rascal.
"He licked the jar right out
of Newton's hand, sliming his palm
"with a streak of black gob,
"perhaps the most disgusting thing
Newton had experienced
"since the time
he mistakenly ate a maggot.
- Hi, guys.
How was your day?
Anything interesting happen?
- The usual.
- Oh.
- Why aren't you a dad?
- Just didn't happen yet.
- I don't have a dad.
- Everybody has a dad.
- Mom got me and Bates
from a bank.
- Tess.
- Special bank
where men make deposits.
- Tess...
- And women make withdrawals.
- If they can't find Mr. Right.
[Trumpet being played off-key
to music]
- Bob.
Bob!
- Too loud?
- Uh, no.
No. Just, uh... just really...
really horrible.
Heh-heh.
- I love the trumpet.
- Then you should practice.
- Yeah.
- Um...
Bob, you must... think
I'm a really horrible mother.
- No.
- Well, it wasn't an easy decision.
- Sure.
- I just...
I didn't wanna miss out, you know?
It's not like time
was exactly on my side,
so I thought I'd...
- Anne...
You're... you're blessed.
Sorry. I, uh...
spoke out of turn.
Zip!
- That's all right.
Thank you.
- Can I ask you a question?
- Yeah...
- What's capital management?
[Laughing]
- Bye! Thanks for the lift!
- See you later!
- Bye-bye!
[Cellphone ringing]
Hello, Judith.
I'll be about an hour or so.
It can wait.
Yeah. I'll be on my cellphone
if you need me.
Okay. Bye.
Oh!
[Car alarm ringing]
Ah! Oh...
Well, I can't come to a meeting
with stains on my blouse,
now can I?
I'm back, Bob!
I'm just gonna take a quick bath!
I'll be there as soon as I can.
[Music playing]
I'll be over at 10
They tell me time and again
I can't wait...
Why do you build me up
Build me up
Buttercup baby
- Ahhhhhh!
...let me down...
- Can I get you some towels,
ma'am?
- Mm-hmm!!!
But I love you still
I need you
I need you
more than anyone darling
You know that I have
From the start
So build me up
Buttercup
Don't break my heart
- You don't get that flipping burgers.
- Then I dribbled right, cut left
and slam-dunked it.
- Who traded in my geek brother
for a jock geek brother?
- Hey, where are you all going
on a Sunday?
- Basketball tryouts.
- Well, I'll drive you.
Let me get my purse.
- I wanna go with Bob.
- Okay. Uh...
what about you, Tess?
- I arranged to meet Sophie.
Don't you have work to do?
- Nope. Amazingly.
All right, well...
see you later.
[Cellphone ringing]
- Ah, oui, all?
Anne! What's wrong?
- I got the whole day free
and I'm lonely!
[Sighing in contentment]
It's so nice to do something
for myself for a change.
- We go out
and find a nice, quiet place.
- Oh, this is lovely!
This is nice!
Now this is relaxing.
This...
Take me home.
- What?!
- I... I... I can't be here
without them.
I just can't enjoy... myself
without the kids.
I mean, you know, I just can't!
- Let's go!
- Look, Jacques, I have children.
I love them.
They're not just going to disappear.
- You would prefer
that I disappear?
Examine the situation.
One: You are a single woman.
Very beautiful,
true, but, uh, very, very...
anal.
- Anal. I'm anal.
- Two: Your children.
They are not beautiful.
Just annoying.
Three: If I go...
- I'll take three. You go. Now.
Take a cab.
- Anne!
You are a single woman
of a certain age.
You will not find another man.
Statistically,
you have a better chance
of being hit by a truck.
One driven by Bob.
- So?
- So what?
- How'd it go? The tryouts.
- There was no tryouts.
The coach had already decided
who was on the team.
- What?
That's not fair.
Wait here.
- You're not going to embarrass me?
- You bet I am.
[Military-style music]
Hey! You the coach?
- Who's asking?
- My name's Tree.
- Bob?
Bob the mascot?
- Jerry?
- Yeah!!!
Rrrrrrr!
- Yeah.
What happened
to the Bismark Barbarians?
- Ah, I left not long
after the owner fired you.
He was a real a-hole.
- I know. I know. I know.
- Still got your helmet, though.
You wanna see it?
- You bet.
It's about Bates.
Bates Jamieson?
- Pull up a chair.
- Uh-ooh.
- Put it on.
- Yeah. Still fits like a glove.
Areally...
weird glove.
- It took them two hours
to remove that from his buttocks.
- I probably shouldn't have
left it on his chair.
Ahem.
- So what about the Jamieson kid?
- He wants to try out for the team.
- He's kind of small.
Why is it impossible
to say no to you?
[Both]: Ah-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!
- Yeah! Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!
All right.
[Blowing whistle]
- Go ahead.
Come on, Bates!
He's a little nervous.
Put one in the net there, Bates!
Put one in the net there!
How ya doin'?
- Coach hates me.
- Forget about him, okay?
It's just you and me.
Just like at home.
Come on.
Come on, let's go!
- Ah...
- Come on!
Like we practiced!
Come on!
- Hey.
- Oh, you got it, you got it.
Take it around me,
take it around me,
take it around me, put it in,
put it in the net. Come on.
No fancy stuff.
Just put it in the net.
All right! Huh?! Huh?!
- Yeah!!! I got one!!!
- Two points!
Two points!
Hey, Tess.
Been shopping?
Oh, what is that, a wristband?
Pair of socks?
[Bates]: Mom!!!!!!
- Is it a bib?
- Hey, how were the tryouts?
- Great!
- Good. I made salmon skewers.
- Salmon?
- I'll tell Tess.
- What?
- Hey, Tess.
- Don't come in.
- Your mother made a barbecue.
- I'll be down in five.
[Bob humming]
- Would you like
to join us, Bob?
Please.
We'd like you to.
- Thank you.
It's real nice of you
to have made
these salmon skewers.
Isn't it, kids?
And a green salad.
[Bates]: Eh...
- That was delicious.
- I should've made hot dogs.
- No, no. It was really good.
- Oh, you missed a spot.
- Where?
- Right there.
- Hmm.
You know, Tess has drawn
some amazing dress designs.
You should see her schoolbooks.
- Schoolbooks?
- Yeah, she draws
in her schoolbooks.
- You're such a liar!
You're such a stupid liar!
- Tess!
- It's not true!
I hate you, Bob!
- Tess!
Tess!
- I guess that's what it's like
having family, Rascal.
[Squeaking]
- Ups and downs.
[Knocking]
Just a second.
Come in.
- Hi.
I've spoken to Tess
and she's shown me her drawings.
You're right.
They're amazing.
So thank you for that.
- Something wrong?
- Don't take this
the wrong way, Bob.
You're the butler.
You're not herfather.
- I understand completely.
- Thanks.
Good night, then.
- Good night.
- Why are we eating in here?
- More coffee, ma'am?
- Oh, I'll get it.
- Please, ma'am.
Leave it to me.
- It's cool.
- New skirt?
- Yeah. Like it?
- No. It's like theirs.
- That's the point, stupid.
- So you coming to watch me
get my nose pierced?
- Not on this planet.
Tomorrow after school, okay?
[School bell ringing]
- Bye.
- You're hanging
with the Clone Barbies now?
- Maybe when I'm in tighter,
I'll put in a good word for you
and you can hang with.
- I liked you because I thought
you were an individual.
Like me.
Now you're just more like pathetic.
- Stop!
Excuse me.
Kate, is the fruit washed?
Judith, did you wash the fruit?
- It's pre-washed.
- Pre-washed? Pre-washed?!
- Pre-washed.
- Ah!
I do not wanna to lose this deal
because one of my investors
has the runs!
- The runs?
- Done.
Done.
Done!
[Squeaking]
Ah! Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh!
[Screaming]
Arodent!
Oh! Rodent!
Huge rodent!
- Where is he?
- Oh! Oh!
Huge!
- Rascal?
- Rat! Ratty!
- Rascal, don't do this to me.
- Furry thing on the table!
He was there on the table!
- Hold it!
- Ah! What are you doing, Bob?
- Don't move.
- Ah... What are you doing, Bob?
[Squeaking]
Ah... ah... ah...
Ahhhh!
[Screaming]
- Rascal...
[cellphone ringing]
- Oh, Jesus.
I guess this is urgent?
- Of course it's urgent!
- Stay calm, Anne.
Do not explode.
- Too late!
I've already exploded!
I've dumped Jacques
and kicked out the hamster.
- What hamster?
- Oh, keep up!
Bob's taken over.
He spends more time with my kids-
- Than you do?
- Than butling. It's exasperating!
- Have you fired him?
- I told him the hamster
has to leave immediately
and I want
this whole house disinfected
from top to bottom!
- Oh, sounds like
someone has a crush.
- Huh! I'm paying you for this?
I'm not paying you for this!
Don't you dare bill me
for this call!
Ridiculous!
- Oh, Rascal.
[Squeaking]
Who let you out?
You know what, Tess?
That was out of order.
And if I was your father,
you would be in so much trouble.
Ya dig?
- It wasn't me.
- Yeah, whatever.
- Whatever.
- Bates...
was it you?
C'mon, Bates, why? C'mon.
Talk to me, buddy.
- I didn't make the team.
- You didn't. Okay.
That's a shame.
- I didn't make the team!
You said I would!
- Well, I never said that.
I said I would help.
I said I would try.
- I wasn't good enough.
- Not being good enough is...
life.
But you'll find
you're good at something.
Everybody's good at something.
- What are you good at?
- I can catch grapes
in my mouth.
- Mom?
I put Rascal in your room.
I didn't make the team.
- Okay.
- It doesn't matter, though.
I'll find something to be good at.
- Hello, Mr. Butler?
Bob here.
You'll look after him?
[Squeaking]
- Of course.
- Can I make you a cup of tea?
- Oh, we have a regular little butler.
What's your name,
Master?
- It's Bates.
Just Bates.
- Hmm...
- You're gonna be just fine.
- It's like an initiation thing.
- I'll start your room.
[Banging]
How's everything going?
- Fine, thanks!
Let's go.
- You got the stuff?
- No problem.
[Alarm ringing]
- Security!
- Ah!
No! Let me go!
You guys, wait!
- Purple. Purple for general.
- What?
- Purple for general,
yellow for kitchen,
blue for bathroom.
Purple for general.
- Right.
[Phone ringing]
- Hello?
Hey, Bob!
It's for you.
- Hello.
Jamieson family butler speaking.
I'll be right there.
I have to go.
Will you be okay with Mr. Butler
for a while?
- Sure.
- Come on, Bates.
When we're finished here,
I'll teach you how to polish silver
by spitting on it.
- Cool!
- Yeah!
[Military-style music]
- Hey! I'm looking
for Tess Jamieson.
- Tough love.
We give kids a dose of reality,
scare 'em straight
before it's too late.
- This one's not like that.
- You're one of those
always-looking-for-the-best
- in-people guys?
Hmm! We'll keep her
for an hour or two,
then you can take her.
- Listen, if I may be so bold,
you'll let her out this second.
Or I'll call my friend Judge Sharma
and I'll have your ass kicked
from here to Texas.
Don't worry about it.
This'll be our little secret.
- Bob, I'm sorry.
About everything.
I lied.
About the luau.
My mom's practically a vegetarian.
- I guess she is now.
Come on, let's go.
- Omigod.
Bates!
- I'm standing still, Mom!
I can be a butler!
- Good evening, Miss Jamieson.
[Scooter backfiring]
- Tess, where have you been?!
- I got hung up at Sophie's.
Bob came and got me.
- In that?!
Both of you, inside now!
Bob, I have known
for quite some time
that you're not the world's
greatest butler,
but you at least seemed
to care for my kids.
What kind of a man
leaves an eight-year-old
with a total stranger?
A stranger...
What am I saying?
A psycho!
Who thinks that standing
on the roof of a house
is good training?
- I'm sorry, Anne.
- Miss Jamieson!
- I'm truly sorry, Miss Jamieson.
- I have to let you go, Bob.
I'll pay you
to the end of the month, but...
I want you to leave in the morning.
- Let's not get ourselves down,
Rascal.
You keep going...
and I'll keep going.
[Squeaking]
- To the end
of ATBJ Capital Management!
[All]: Finally!
Okay...
- I don't feel like celebrating.
[Knocking]
- Come in.
Why aren't you in school?
- Lunch.
What are you doing?
- Lunch.
Welcome to my home.
- Nice.
- Well, my natural state is messy.
- I'm sorry you got fired.
I just wanted
the cool kids to like me.
- You know, when I was a kid,
I used to like building model cars.
But...
there was always once piece
I could neverfigure out
where it was supposed to go.
I always felt like that piece.
I've spent my whole life
trying to figure out where I fit.
So when you figure it out...
well...
that's good.
- So you're saying
it's good to shoplift
if it helps you fit in?
- I worked
for a New York designer once.
- You?
- I was just sewing,
but it was better
than a lot of jobs I've done.
Here.
Severance pay
from the sweatshop.
- Bob...
can you teach me how to sew?
- Sorry for skipping out on you.
- Yeah, we were, like,
so cowardly.
- This is ace.
D'you steal it?
- I made it.
- Shut up!
I want one.
- Me too!
- Than wouldn't we be wearing
the same top?
- Yeah. Like a club.
- Hey, Soph.
[Knocking]
- I had the best day.
- Great.
- He followed me.
- I want to be good at something.
- Well, of course you do.
You ever seen
one of these before?
Check, check, check, check.
- Check, check.
Check, check.
- Does it look all right?
- Wicked.
- I hope you're ready.
- Oh, God.
- It's show time.
Thank you for coming,
ladies and...
just lady.
I am pleased to present
original creations by Tess!
[Music]
Be a cool girl
Like you were meant to be
In a stunning outfit
of skirt and top retro-"chick."
That's our Sophie!
- Chic, not chick.
- Whatever.
And next up,
the twin evil girls.
[Anne]: Oh!
[Anne applauding]
Whoo! Whoo-whoo-whoo!
- And finally,
the heroine of the hour,
the one and only...
Miss Tess!
[False notes]
[Knocking]
- Miss Jamieson.
- Yeah,
I was just in the neighbourhood.
I wasn't, obviously.
I came to see you.
- Come on in.
- Ahem...
- Here we are.
She's very talented.
- You've been so good with them.
But I know the truth.
- I just helped her
make a few dresses.
- You got my little girl out of jail.
I got a phone call this morning
from a Detective Alvarez.
He said that he wished
that half the fathers that he met
were as loyal
and determined as you.
- Don't be too hard on her.
- I think you know me
better than that.
- I do.
- So what's next for you?
- Well, I got a job.
One of those butler cruises.
Around the world in 365 days.
- That's good for you.
When do you leave?
- First thing Saturday.
- Oh, um... these...
are... for tomorrow.
- Oh, wow.
I love the trumpet.
- Yeah. Jacques and I
were supposed to go,
but, uh, I thought
maybe you had someone special.
- No.
- Well, I guess we, uh...
we each could take one.
- Sure.
- Okay, then.
- Okay.
- Okay, well,
I'll see you there, then.
Eight o'clock tomorrow.
- Okay.
It's not a date.
- It's a date.
- Is not.
- Is.
- Oh... it's not a date.
A date, huh!
Just two people.
Two individual people who...
happen to be going to the same place
at the same time.
All I did was give Bob
my extra ticket.
- It's so a date.
- Who's going on a date?
- Mom. With Bob.
- Awesome!
[Cellphone ringing]
- Hello.
[Jacques]: What are you doing
at this moment?
[Flushing]
Oh...
- I'm taking care of my family.
I'm a single woman
of a certain age, remember?
- Ah, tonight, we have those, uh...
tickets to the concert.
- Bye, Jacques.
- You will not use them.
You would not go alone.
Are you going alone?
- Are you jealous,
my little Jacques... ass?
- Who is he?
Who is he?!
[With French accent]: Robert.
- Robert...
Bobert...
Bob?
- It's just a night out
with a beautiful woman...
who's stolen my heart.
[Squeaking whine]
[Knocking]
[Frenzied knocking]
I've got a doorbell, you know.
- We're here to help.
Let's see what you've got.
- Could you have knocked
a little more, maybe?
- Ugly...
ew... no...
tragic...
ew...
gross... no.
What's wrong with this?
- Kind of bored of suits, you know?
- It's perfect.
What time is the concert?
- Doesn't take me long
to get ready.
- Maybe it should.
- Oh, hello, sir.
Can I help you?
- This is the Cosmopolitan
Butler School?
- It is no more.
- It is closing?
- I'm afraid so.
Not enough filthy lucre
to keep it alive.
- So...
you trained the great Bob.
- What about Bob?
- Five-day course.
Mon Dieu!
You are not a professional!
Just a sad British man
with his sad little tradition.
So...
now we have Bob the liar, too.
- If I may say so...
sir...
Bob Tree
is a finer man than most.
And it has been an honour
to know him.
- Bob!
- Wow.
- Mom, is that you?
- I'll take that as a compliment,
I think.
Now don't stay up too late.
You sure it's not too much?
- You're a hottie.
- That's a good thing, right?
It's not too risqu?
- If you've got it, flaunt it.
That's what I always say.
- You better not say that.
Good night.
- You're early.
- Yes, I am.
- Hi.
- You look... radiant.
- Huh...
you said it yourself.
I have a very talented daughter.
- Yeah, I couldn't believe it.
- Whoa. Ticket, please, sir.
- Oh, I have my... my...
my ticket, it's in there.
Bob has it.
- Bob who?
- Uh-uh-uh, Bob has my ticket.
Bob. Bob.
Oh...
Ah...
- Forget it.
- Oh, come on.
- It's like a dream, isn't it?
[Applause]
- You wanna go backstage?
- I don't think we're allowed.
- All right, follow me.
- Bob! Yeah!!!
- Euh...
- Hi, Bob.
- How ya doin'?
- Bob? Bob!
- Mama Clara!
She fired me.
- You sure we can do this?
Ooh.
- Bob, is that you?
- Vince.
Come on, Anne.
- Ah...
- How ya doin'?
- Good. How are you?
- Ahem.
- Good to see you.
- I want you to meet
a friend of mine,
Anne Jamieson.
- Charmed.
- The pleasure's mine.
- You know, a few of us
are going out for something to eat.
Would you and your date
like to, uh, go with us?
- Well, she's not a date.
- Uh, we'd love to.
- Fantastic.
- We'd love to...
- I... I saw them go back there.
- Who?
- Oh, Bob. Bob.
Are you... are you deaf?
- Huh!
- Hey! Hey, hey, hey!
- Whoo!!! Whoo-hoo-hoo-hoo!
[Screaming]
[Excited screaming]
Oh!
[Giggling]
Oh!
- Whoa.
- You seem like you know
everyone in the whole city.
- Yeah. Well, I've been fired a lot.
[Anne laughing]
- It was a wonderful evening.
- Oh, Anne, your dress.
- Oh!
- Your dress.
Oh, your dress.
- Ah!! Oh!
Aha...
- Oh, jeez.
- Did you and Tess plan this?
- Yeah, I...
I did teach her to sew.
- Laugh! But not for long.
If I weren't a gentleman,
I would kill you right now.
- Oh, Jacques!
This isn't any of your business!
- It is my business.
Put some clothes on!
- Don't you tell me what to do.
I'll... run around stark naked
if I want to.
- Anne, you have been fooled.
He is not a proper butler.
- Maybe I should just go.
- Oh, you think you can just sneak away?
Afterwhat you did?
You cannot take advantage
of a middle-aged woman!
- Oh! I am not middle-aged!
Am I?
- You're beautiful.
- And I'm going to hire Bob.
- To do what?!
He trained for five days! Five!
Cinq!
- You were gonna hire me?
- I... I... I...
Well, you really care
for my children
and they adore you.
- Ah, Anne!
This situation is intolerable!
- No, this situation is fine.
You are intolerable.
- C'est fini?
Au revoir!!!
- Au revoir!
Good riddance!
- Talk to my hand!
- So would you...
come back to work?
The... children miss you
and... well, we all miss you.
- I can't.
- I don't understand.
- It wouldn't be appropriate.
- Aren't you going after him?
- He's leaving
first thing in the morning.
- Get up, Mom.
[Groaning]
- Tess, what are you doing?
- Why did you work this hard, Mom?
You're all alone.
- Mom,
he's part of our family.
- Stay here.
- Go, Mom!
[Bates]: Go, Mom!
- Go, Mom! Go, Mom!
[Both]: Go, Mom! Go, Mom!
Go, Mom! Go, Mom!
Go, Mom! Go, Mom!
Go, Mom!
Go, Mom! Go, Mom!
- What happened?
[Anne sighing]
- That happened.
That's the butler cruise.
- You mean Bob left?
- What a mess!
A real mess!
It's a real mess.
- Maybe he'll come back.
- Get tidy, Anne.
Get tidy.
I'm sorry, kids. We lost Bob
and it's all my fault.
But I wanna thank you -
both.
I love you so much.
Both of you.
Please don't look at me like that.
They say kids bounce back,
but...
Bob!
Bob!
- Hi.
- What about the butler cruise?
- I couldn't leave.
Thought I'd stay.
- Car-washing?
- Well, it's early on
in the Cs.
Hey!
This is a song
About my desire to find work
My desire to find a family
- For the food
we are about to receive
and for my new dad, Bob,
we thank you, God.
- Amen.
[All]: Amen.
- Oh, honey, why don't I carve?
- Ahem-hem.
That's a gentleman's job. Ma'am.
Check it
[flatulence]
- Not again!
Oh. Nooooo!
[BOOM!]
- Dinner is served.
My name is Bob
I'm looking for a job
When I'm not getting fired
I'm living like a slob
Go through the phonebook
looking for work
I want to be an astronaut
like Captain Kirk
Flip burgers
to make me a buck
Burn down the restaurant
is just bad luck
I got another occupation
under my belt
Keeping a job for two weeks
I'm doing well
Like the time
at the barbershop
Gave it all I got
chopped up an earlobe
He bled a lot
He never said a lot
He just screamed and got blood
on my brand new blue jeans
Oh golly gee did it again
I talked to my hamster
my only friend
Go through the phonebook again
like a fool
And I see something
it's butler school
My name is Bob
and I'm looking like a slob Bob
My name is Bob
and I need to get a job Bob
My name is Bob
not Robert just Bob
My name is Bob
and I need to get a job Bob
My name is Bob
and I'm looking like a slob Bob
My name is Bob
and I need to get a job Bob
My name is Bob
not Bobert just Bob
My name is Bob
and I need to get a job
So I jumped on my motorbike
gonna be a butler
When to the school
it was like no other
They made me balance
plates on my head yeah
They made me make a naked dude
get dressed
He dressed me up in a suit
and a vest
Took me to the rooftop
for a test
Made me climb to the edge
real slow
Looked at the ground
and I got vertigo
I thought about a woman
that I met the other day
And the vertigo stopped
spinning it went away
It felt real good
what can I say
I think I'm gonna be a butler
I'm on my way
'Cause my name is Bob
and I'm looking like a slob Bob
My name is Bob
and I need to get a job Bob
My name is Bob
not Bobert just Bob
My name is Bob
and I need to get a job Bob
My name is Bob
and I'm looking like a slob Bob
My name is Bob
and I need to get a job Bob
My name is Bob
not Bobert just Bob
My name is Bob
and I need to get a job
Went to the place
and I got a job on the spot
Living in the attic
I didn't need a lot
Take the dust to dust
I attack this
Brought the kids
to basketball practice
I make dinner
some kind of luau
I want to make the lady
say wow
But the lady comes home
and the pig explodes
Messed up again
that's all she wrote
Pretty soon
I'll be back on the street
Looking for a job
with nothing to eat
Maybe I could be a rapper
rapping on the beat
Get you on the dance floor
moving yourfeet
My name is Bob
and I'm looking like a slob Bob
My name is Bob
and I need to get a job Bob
My name is Bob
not Bobert just Bob
My name is Bob
and I need to get a job Bob
My name is Bob
and I'm looking like a slob Bob
My name is Bob
and I need to get a job Bob
My name is Bob
not Bobert just Bob
My name is Bob
and I need to get a job
My name is Bob
and I'm looking like a slob Bob
My name is Bob
and I need to get a job Bob
My name is Bob
not Bobert just Bob
My name is Bob
and I need to get a job Bob
My name is Bob
and I'm looking like a slob Bob
My name is Bob
and I need to get a job Bob
My name is Bob
not Bobert just Bob
My name is Bob
and I need to get a job