1
[APPLAUSE]
AH!
[APPLAUSE]
BRAVO!
YAY!
[CHEERING]
THAT WAS GREAT!
DO THE BIRD TRICK!
Magician: BIRD TRICK.
Announcer: LET'S HEAR I FOR THE AMAZING,
COLOSSAL, STUPENDOUS
ANTOINE AND BABETTE!
YEAH, MR. ANTOINE!
AWW.
AWW.
HOW SWEET!
WAIT, NOW.
WOW!
WHERE DID IT GO?
I'LL BE BACK
BETWEEN SHOWS,
AND I WANT YOU
READY FOR BED.
NO TV TILL YOU
FINISH THAT REPORT.
TELL MR. ANTOINE
THE MOUSE WON'T EAT.
YOU HEAR ME? NO TV.
NOW GIVE YOUR MOM
A BIG KISS.
AND DON' LET THAT MOUSE
OUT OF THE CAGE.
I WON'T.
MRS. PARTRIDGE,
I'LL BE BACK
BETWEEN SHOWS.
Mrs. Partridge: ALL RIGHT.
DRIVE CAREFUL.
OK. LOVE YOU!
TELL MR. ANTOINE
HE WON'T EAT!
OK. SEE YA!
WOULDN'T WAN TO BE YA!
MAKE SURE YOU TELL HIM!
OK! I WILL!
DON'T FORGET TO!
OK!
MR. ANTOINE IS
TEACHING ME HOW TO MAKE
LIGHTNING DISAPPEAR.
MM-HMM.
SOONER THE BETTER.
I'M NOT A MOUSE PERSON.
COME ON. LET'S GET IN HERE
AND DO SOME MORE TRICKS.
ATTABOY.
I'M GOING TO
CALL ALBERT.
I'LL SEE YOU
FOR THE NEXT SHOW.
SAY HI TO
ALBERT FOR ME.
AW, THANKS.
[RING]
[RING]
HELLO.
IT'S LORRAINE,
MRS. PARTRIDGE.
HOW'S MY BOY?
OH, HE'S FINE. FINE.
ATE ALL HIS
VEGETABLES TONIGHT,
EVEN HIS BROCCOLI.
GOOD. GOOD.
WELL, I NEED TO GO
TO THE MARKET, AND I'LL
BE HOME WITHIN THE HOUR.
Albert: IS IT MY MOM?
Mrs. Partridge: HOLD ON.
HERE COMES MR. MAGICIAN.
MOM, I DID MY
HOOVER DAM REPORT.
I'M GOING TO
READ IT TO YOU.
I'M COMING HOME
TO PUT YOU TO BED.
YOU CAN READ IT TO ME THEN.
I'LL JUST READ YOU
THE FIRST PART.
"45 MILES
FROM LAS VEGAS
IS THE HOOVER DAM.
IT IS ONE OF
THE HIGHEST DAMS OF
THE ENTIRE WORLD."
OOH!
THAT'S MY OPENER.
OH, IT'S STUPENDOUS!
I'M HOOKED!
AND THE REST OF I WHEN I GET HOME.
AND I WANT YOU TO BRUSH
YOUR TEETH.
HI, ALBERT, HONEY!
IT'S RUTHIE.
Albert:
HI, RUTHIE!
MOM.
YEAH?
I'M WORKING ON
MR. ANTOINE'S
CARD MOVE--
THE RISE-AND-FALL
MOVE HE SHOWED ME.
I THINK I GOT IT.
IT'S ALL IN THE WRIST.
IT'S ALL IN THE WRIST,
AND SO IS BRUSHING YOUR TEETH.
NOW, I'LL BE HOME SOON,
AND LOOK, ALBERT,
I WANT YOU TO BE GENTLE
WITH MRS. PARTRIDGE, OK?
SHE'S BRITTLE.
OK.
MISS RYLANDER
GAVE ME AN "A" ON MY
REPORT ON ETHIOPIA.
GREAT. WONDERFUL.
"ETHIOPIA IS
IN THE NORTHERN
PART OF AFRICA.
"CHILDREN
IN ETHIOPIA
ARE VERY HUNGRY.
THERE WAS
A DROUGHT THERE."
THAT MEANS NO RAIN.
GOOD WORK, ALBERT!
I LOVE YOU.
I'LL BE HOME SOON,
BUT I WANT YOU TO BRUSH
YOUR TEETH AND GET INTO BED.
OK. OK.
OK, PROMISE ME?
PROMISE.
PROMISE?
PROMISE.
PROMISE?
OK. I LOVE YOU.
LOVE YOU TOO, MOM. BYE.
MRS. PARTRIDGE,
I HAVE SOMETHING
TO SHOW YOU.
WHAT--YOUR ROOM?
YES!
IT'S A MESS.
Albert: OK,
MRS. PARTRIDGE,
I HAVE AN EMPTY
BROWN BAG.
UH-HUH.
I WILL OPEN
THE BROWN PAPER BAG
LIKE THIS.
NOW GIVE ME
THE KETCHUP BOTTLE.
CAREFUL YOU DON' BREAK IT.
I WON'T.
PUT THE KETCHUP
BOTTLE IN THE BAG.
WATCH!
UH-HUH.
SAY THE MAGIC
WORDS--SIM-SOLA-BIM.
POOF! IT'S GONE!
OH, COME ON, NOW,
ALBERT.
NOBODY'S GOING TO
BELIEVE THAT.
DON'T LIKE IT?
HEE HEE HEE!
SING ME A LULLABY
WON'T YOU WIPE AWAY
MY PAIN?
TAKE ME OUT
OHH
OF THE DRIVING RAIN
[HONK]
[KNOCKS]
[KNOCKS]
HELLO. IS THIS
THE FRANKLIN RESIDENCE?
YES.
Policeman: MA'AM,
CAN WE PLEASE COME INSIDE
AND TALK TO YOU?
YEAH.
THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
THANK YOU.
MA'AM, I REGRE TO INFORM YOU
THAT MRS. FRANKLIN HAS BEEN
INVOLVED IN A VERY SERIOUS
VEHICLE ACCIDENT.
MOM!
Clergyman: "I AM
THE RESURRECTION AND THE LIFE.
"HE THAT BELIEVETH IN ME,
THOUGH HE WERE DEAD,
"YET SHALL HE LIVE.
"WHOSOEVER LIVETH AND BELIEVETH
IN ME SHALL NEVER DIE
BUT HAVE ETERNAL LIFE
AND PEACE FOREVER."
AMEN.
OK. NOW.
Antoine, French accent:
IT IS A SAD DAY HERE.
WE ARE CONFUSED.
WE DO NOT UNDERSTAND.
JE NE COMPRENDS PAS.
TELL ME, GOD,
IS LIFE THE ILLUSION,
AND IS DEATH THE REALITY?
WHAT DOOR DO YOU
GO THROUGH, LORRAINE,
AND WHERE WILL YOU
APPEAR AGAIN?
ALLEZ. AU REVOIR,
MA PETITE.
BON VOYAGE.
[CIRQUE DU SOLEIL
SINGING KALIMANDO IN FRENCH]
OH.
"45 MILES FROM LAS VEGAS
IS THE HOOVER DAM.
IT IS ONE OF THE HIGHEST DAMS
IN THE ENTIRE--"
[RUTHIE SOBS]
I'M SORRY, ALBERT.
KEEP READING, BABY.
KEEP GOING.
Albert:
SHOULDN'T I
DO THIS?
IT'S ALL RIGHT,
MON GRAND.
KEEP READING.
DON'T STOP, ALBERT.
IT'S SO BEAUTIFUL.
YES.
BUT I'M MAKING
EVERYBODY SADDER.
IT'S ALL RIGHT,
MON CHERI. GO ON.
GO.
NO. EVERYBODY'S
TOO SAD.
MOTHER
WASN'T SAD.
MY MOTHER WAS
NEVER SAD!
[PEOPLE SHOUTING]
Babette: WHY CAN' WE KEEP HIM?
WE COULD ALL--
Antoine: BABETTE,
THIS IS NOT A PET, YOU KNOW.
Babette: BU HE'S SO LITTLE,
AND WE LOVE HIM.
HEY, RUTHIE,
YOU MUST KNOW MORE
ABOUT THE FAMILY.
WHAT ABOUT THE FATHER?
YES, RUTHIE. THE FATHER.
FATHER?
THE FATHER WAS
JUST A FLY-BY-NIGHT.
SHE THOUGH HE WAS MAGIC.
MAYBE HE WAS, 'CAUSE
HE SURE DID DISAPPEAR.
I DON'T EVEN THINK
SHE GOT HIS LAST NAME.
Woman: GRANDPARENTS?
Ruthie: SHE DIDN' HAVE ANY FAMILY--
NO PARENTS,
NO GRANDPARENTS,
NO BROTHERS, NO SISTERS.
SHE WAS RAISED
IN A FOSTER HOME
BACK IN NEWARK,
NEW JERSEY.
IF THERE'S NO FAMILY,
WHERE WILL ALBERT GO?
WHY CAN'T I JUS STAY HERE?
ALBERT! HONEY,
WE THOUGHT YOU
WERE FAST ASLEEP.
Mrs. Partridge:
COME ON, HONEY.
LET'S GO BACK TO BED.
MR. ANTOINE SAID
HE WAS MY FATHER.
Antoine:
C'EST UNE FACON
DE PARLER.
IT IS
AN EXPRESSION.
HE LOVES YOU
LIKE A FATHER.
OUI. JE T'AIME
BEAUCOUP, ALBERT.
Antoine: YOU KNOW
YOU ARE MY FAVORITE.
WE ALL LOVE YOU,
ALBERT.
Antoine: WE WOULD LIKE
TO TAKE YOU WITH US,
BUT WE MOVE AROUND
SO MUCH.
WE HAVE NO MAISON--
NO HOME--
AND A CIRCUS
IS NOT A HOME.
YOU WERE GOING TO TEACH
ME TO BE A MAGICIAN.
YOU SAID I COULD BE
IN THE ACT ONE DAY.
I'VE BEEN PRACTICING.
I'M REALLY GOOD WITH
THE A.B.C. TRICK,
AND I ALREADY KNOW
THE OVER-THE-FALLS AND
THE 50-CENT DISCOVERY.
MRS. PARTRIDGE,
YOU SAW ME DO IT.
I FOOLED YOU, DIDN'T I?
YES.
YOU CERTAINLY
FOOLED ME.
AND MY FINGERS ARE GETTING
STRONGER ALL THE TIME,
AND MY WRIST. LOOK!
SEE? SEE?
IT'S ALL IN THE WRIST.
Lorraine's voice:
TO WHOM IT MAY CONCERN:
IN THE EVENT OF MY DEATH,
PLEASE CONTACT MY FOSTER SISTER
HARRIET FRANKLIN.
EVEN THOUGH OUR LIVES
HAVE GONE SEPARATE WAYS
AND IT'S BEEN MANY YEARS
SINCE WE'VE SPOKEN,
I'VE ALWAYS THOUGH OF HER AS THE GODMOTHER
OF MY SON ALBERT,
WHO I AM LEAVING
IN HER CARE.
I BELIEVE SHE WILL ALWAYS
BE THERE FOR ALBERT...
Man and Lorraine:
"AS HARRIET AND I WERE
ONCE THERE FOR ONE ANOTHER.
Man: "SHE IS MOST LIKELY
STILL IN NEWARK.
I KNOW SHE'LL WANT TO
DO THE RIGHT THING."
SIGNED,
LORRAINE FRANKLIN.
THE BOY HAS A GUARDIAN.
IT'S HIS GODMOTHER--
HARRIET FRANKLIN.
ANY OF YOU
EVER HEARD OF HER?
JANET, GET ME
DIRECTORY ASSISTANCE
FOR NEWARK, NEW JERSEY.
LET ME ASK HARRIET, OK?
HOLD ON. HOLD ON.
HARRIET!
CAN YOU HOLD ON
ONE SECOND?
WHAT IS IT?
MIKE BELASCO'S CLAIMING
WE OVER-DELIVERED
ON THE COASTERS.
PENNY, DID YOU REMEMBER
TO VERIFY THE ORDER?
VERBALLY AND IN WRITING,
LIKE YOU SAID.
BOB, CAN YOU
HOLD ON ONE SECOND?
IT'S SO BUSY HERE.
MIKE, WHAT'S THE PROBLEM?
NO, NO, NO.
WE DIDN'T OVER-DELIVER.
YOU OVER-ORDERED.
WHAT WERE YOU THINKING,
ORDERING PINK COASTERS?
YOU GO A CIGAR MANUFACTURERS
CONVENTION GOING ON!
NO. HOLD ON A SECOND.
BOB, YOU STILL THERE?
I'LL BE RIGHT WITH YOU.
I TELL YOU WHAT.
I'M GOING TO
DO YOU A BIG FAVOR.
YOU SEND ME BACK
THE PINK ONES, I'LL
SEND YOU THE BROWN ONES,
YOU PAY FOR SHIPPING.
OK? I'M GOING TO
PUT PENNY ON. PENNY!
WHAT?
GET ON WITH BELASCO.
WE'RE FINALLY
GETTING RID OF THOSE
GODDAMN BROWN COASTERS.
BOB! SORRY ABOUT THAT.
YOU KNOW, WHEN YOU'RE BUSY,
THE WORLD IS ON HOLD.
NOW, AS I WAS SAYING,
I WANT TO GET INTO
BIGGER THINGS, BOB.
I WANT TO GET INTO STERILIZERS
AND DEEP FRYERS...
[TELEPHONE RINGS]
Harriet:
TO COOK THINGS IN.
I REALLY FEEL...
RELIABLE HOTEL
AND RESTAURANT SUPPLY.
WE'RE THERE FOR YOU.
YES?
NO. I FOUND
A WONDERFUL WAREHOUSE.
IT'S FULL OF INVENTORY.
ALL YOU HAVE TO DO IS
COME AND SEE IT WITH ME.
MAKE THE DAY. ANY DAY.
OH, YEAH. YEAH.
YOU JUST LET ME KNOW, OK?
THANKS. BYE-BYE.
ONE MOMENT, PLEASE.
SOMEBODY FROM LAS VEGAS
ON LINE 2?
SOMETHING ABOU LORRAINE, YOUR SISTER?
I DIDN'T KNOW
YOU HAD A SISTER.
HELLO.
Attorney:
HELLO. MISS FRANKLIN?
YEAH.
MISS FRANKLIN,
MY NAME IS CLAY THRASHER.
I'M A LAWYER AT THE HOTEL
WHERE LORRAINE FRANKLIN
HAS BEEN WORKING.
Harriet, on speakerphone:
UH-OH. WHAT'S WRONG?
WHAT, IS SHE
IN SOME KIND OF TROUBLE?
I'M AFRAID IT'S
WORSE THAN TROUBLE,
MISS FRANKLIN.
LORRAINE WAS
KILLED LAST WEEK IN
AN AUTOMOBILE ACCIDENT.
I'M SORRY.
I'M SORRY.
WHAT DID YOU SAY?
LORRAINE WAS
KILLED LAST WEEK IN
AN AUTOMOBILE ACCIDENT.
YOU ARE LORRAINE'S
FOSTER SISTER,
IS THAT CORRECT,
MISS FRANKLIN?
YOU'RE TELLING ME
LORRAINE IS DEAD?
MISS FRANKLIN,
THIS IS RUTH CLARK.
I WAS LORRAINE'S
BEST FRIEND.
WE WOULD HAVE
TOLD YOU SOONER,
EXCEPT...
WE JUST FOUND OU ABOUT YOU.
WE'RE SORRY TO BREAK
THE NEWS TO YOU THIS WAY,
MISS FRANKLIN.
OH, NO. I...
I UNDERSTAND,
AND THANK YOU FOR CALLING.
NO, NO. PLEASE
DON'T HANG UP.
MISS FRANKLIN,
THERE'S SOMETHING MORE
WE NEED TO TALK ABOUT.
WHAT?
Ruthie: IT'S ABOU ALBERT--LORRAINE'S
LITTLE BOY.
LORRAINE HAD A LITTLE BOY?
NOW, WHAT I HAVE
BEFORE ME, MISS FRANKLIN,
ARE SOME DOCUMENTS NAMING
YOU THE BOY'S GUARDIAN.
WHAT?!
OH. OH!
NO. NO. NO.
NO. NO. I...
UH-UH. NO.
YOU KNOW, FIRST YOU TELL ME
LORRAINE IS DEAD,
AND NOW YOU TELL ME
SHE'S GOT A KID,
AND THEN YOU'RE GOING TO
SPRING ON ME
THAT I'M SUPPOSED
TO BE RESPONSIBLE FOR IT?
HE'S NOT AN ORDINARY
BOY, MISS FRANKLIN.
Ruthie: HE'S REALLY
A WONDERFUL BOY, HARRIET.
Antoine:
HE'S A MAGICAL BOY.
WAS THAT HIM?
WHO WAS THAT?
I'M ANTOINE.
Harriet: WHO?
ALBERT'S
GOOD FRIEND.
Ruthie: THE PROBLEM
IS THAT RIGHT NOW,
HE IS A HOMELESS BOY.
Harriet: WELL,
WHAT ABOUT HIS FATHER?
WE CAN' FIND THE FATHER.
THERE IS NO FATHER.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN,
THERE IS NO FATHER?
THE BOY WASN'T IMMACULATELY
CONCEIVED, WAS HE?
LISTEN, YOU PEOPLE,
LET ME EXPLAIN SOMETHING TO YOU.
I DON'T HAVE A MOTHERLY BONE
IN MY BODY, OK?
I'M NOT A MOTHER.
I DON'T WANT TO BE A MOTHER.
NOW, I ALSO ASSUME
THAT THIS LITTLE BOY
IS WHITE, IS HE NOT?
HAVE YOU GO A PROBLEM WITH THAT?
YEAH--JUST A SMALL ONE.
'CAUSE I'M BLACK,
TOO, YOU KNOW,
AND I THINK THA YOUR SISTER WOULD BE
DAMNED UPSET WITH YOU
IF SHE THOUGHT THAT YOU
WOULDN'T TAKE ALBER BECAUSE YOU THINK THA BLACK GETS IN THE WAY!
Harriet:
THAT'S NOT WHAT I SAID.
IT DIDN'T BOTHER HIS MOTHER,
AND YOU GREW UP
WITH WHITE FOLKS,
DIDN'T YOU?
WHAT HAS MY GROWING UP
WITH WHITE FOLKS
HAVE TO DO WITH ME RAISING
SOME LITTLE WHITE BOY?
IT'S WHO YOU ARE.
YOU ARE THE CLOSEST THING
THAT HE'S GOT TO BLOOD!
YOU UNDERSTAND
THE ALTERNATIVE
WOULD BE TO PLACE HIM
IN THE STATE SYSTEM,
MISS FRANKLIN?
NO--
GOD!
WHAT HAPPENS NOW?
BYE.
BYE, ALBERT.
Antoine:
BON VOYAGE.
ALBERT!
DON'T YOU EVEN
WANT TO SAY GOOD-BYE
TO YOUR FRIENDS?
NO.
BYE-BYE,
ALBERT!
ALBERT, BYE-BYE.
AU REVOIR!
Loudspeaker: GOOD MORNING,
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,
AND WELCOME ABOARD
AMERICAN AIRLINES FLIGHT 362
WITH NONSTOP SERVICE
TO NEWARK INTERNATIONAL AIRPORT.
OUR FLYING TIME TO NEWARK
WILL BE 4 HOURS AND 30 MINUTES,
AND WE'LL BE CRUISING
AT AN ALTITUDE OF 33,000 FEET.
NOW WE INVITE YOU
TO SIT BACK AND RELAX,
ENJOY YOUR FLIGHT TO NEWARK,
AND THANKS AGAIN
FOR CHOOSING AMERICAN.
SO, HI. YOU BEEN
IN AN AIRPLANE BEFORE?
YES, MA'AM.
YOU TRAVELED
ALL ALONE BEFORE?
NO.
MY NAME IS FLORENCE.
WHAT'S YOURS?
ALBERT.
ARE YOU NAMED
AFTER ANYBODY?
FRANK SINATRA.
WELL, AREN'T YOU SPECIAL!
DO YOUR MOM AND DAD
LISTEN TO HIS RECORDS
ALL THE TIME?
MY MOM WAS HIS FRIEND.
OH, THAT MUS HAVE BEEN NICE.
WHAT ABOUT YOUR DADDY?
HE'S...
DEAD.
OH.
I'M SORRY.
I'M SORRY.
WELL, I HAVE SOME CRAYONS
HERE AND A GAME BOOK...
AND I'LL
BRING YOU A SNACK,
AND AFTER THAT WE'LL DO
LUNCH AND A MOVIE.
OK, ALBERT?
MERCI.
HUH?
I SAID, MERCI.
[SOFTLY]
JE VOUS EN PRIE.
WHAT, SON?
NOTHING.
TU PARLES FRANCAIS?
[WHISPERING]
Mr. Antoine taught me
je vous en prie
and bonjour
and comment a va
and merde!
You know those?
YOU TALKING
TO ME, SON?
UH-UH.
I WONDER, COULD
YOU MAKE IT A LITTLE
BIGGER, MY NOSE?
SURE.
BIGGER. BIGGER.
MORE BIGGER.
DON'T BE AFRAID.
IS VERY BIG NOSE.
WHAT DO YOU THINK?
MAYBE MORE HAIR,
HUH?
SURE.
MORE. OH, YES,
MORE, MORE, MORE!
GOOD, GOOD, GOOD!
BIG EYES.
BIGGER EYES, EH?
GOOD!
GOOD.
MERCI BEAUCOUP.
[WHISPERING]
Do you want glasses?
IT'S OK.
I HAVE CONTACTS.
[GIGGLES]
WHAT IS IT, SON?
NOTHING.
OOH, SHE'S FISH-FACE.
HELLO, FISH-FACE, EH?
I KNOW.
OH, SHE SCARES ME.
COME ON, LET'S GO.
EXCUSE ME.
MM-HMM.
[MUFFLED YELLING]
Man in drawing:
HELLO.
HELLO.
COULD I COME OUT,
PLEASE?
SURE.
OW!
WOW!
YOU'RE SO BIG.
I AM BIG.
I AM STUPENDOUS,
COLOSSAL, AMAZING,
FANTASTIC, MAGNIFICENT,
EXCEPTIONAL.
I AM...
BOGUS.
I'M ALBERT.
ALBERT.
HMM, ALBERT.
HMM.
WHY ARE YOU CRYING?
I MISS MY MOM.
MOM. OH, MOM.
IS VERY IMPORTAN THING TO HAVE MOM.
NOW YOU HAVE A GODMOM.
VERY IMPORTANT THING
TO HAVE A GODMOM.
I DON'T WANT A GODMOM.
WHY NOT? MAYBE YOU WILL
LIKE WHAT YOU SEE, HMM?
MAYBE SHE...
SHE WILL BE AMAZING,
MAYBE...SPECTACULAR.
MAYBE STUPENDOUS!
COLOSSAL?
MAYBE MAGNIFICENT!
[SHOUTING]
MAYBE UNBELIEVABLE!
BRAVO! YES!
UNBELIEVABLE!
[SHOUTING TOGETHER]
MAYBE SHE'S THE WORLD'S
GREATEST GODMOM!
WHAT DID HE SAY?
WHAT'S GOING ON?
[HONKING]
[TIRES SCREECH]
Harriet: EXCUSE ME.
EXCUSE ME.
THE FLIGHT FROM
LAS VEGAS--IS IT IN?
LANDED 20 MINUTES AGO.
I'M LOOKING
FOR A LITTLE BOY.
WAIT, WAIT. ARE YOU
MISS HARRIET FRANKLIN?
YES.
THE BOY'S WAITING
DOWN AT TRAVELER'S AID,
DOWN LEVEL ONE.
TAKE THE ESCALATOR,
TURN RIGHT.
OK. ESCALATOR,
TURN RIGHT.
Woman: YOU WOULDN'T BE
MISS FRANKLIN?
ACTUALLY,
I WOULD BE.
Woman: OH.
I'M SORRY I'M LATE.
THE JACKSON STREE BRIDGE WAS OUT,
AND I COULDN' GET ACROSS.
YES, I'M SURE
THAT'S TRUE.
WELL, WE HAVE TO GIVE
OURSELVES A LITTLE
MORE TIME THESE DAYS,
ESPECIALLY WHEN PICKING UP
SUCH PRECIOUS CARGO.
I'LL NEED TO SEE SOME
IDENTIFICATION, PLEASE.
I'M SORRY.
PASSPORT, DRIVER'S LIC--
THANK YOU.
BOY, DO YOU LOOK
LIKE YOUR MOTHER.
Woman: I.D. IS FINE.
YOU HAVE TO SIGN
RIGHT THERE.
GREAT.
ARE YOU
A CARD PLAYER?
OH, NO.
HE'S A MAGICIAN.
HE CAN MAKE
THE ACE OF SPADES
TURN INTO
THE QUEEN OF HEARTS.
LOOKS LIKE
HE'S ON SALE.
CAN I TAKE
THE TAG OFF?
USUALLY THE TAG'S
TAKEN OFF AT THE GATE
WHEN THEY'RE PICKED UP.
I SAID I WAS SORRY.
MM-HMM.
OK. LET ME GE YOUR TAG OFF HERE.
SORRY.
THERE YOU GO.
Woman:
THANK YOU.
SO GET YOUR BACKPACK
AND...
WE'LL GO.
WHAT'S
IN THE PARCEL?
MY PILLOW.
OH.
OK. LET'S GO.
Woman:
GOOD LUCK,
ALBERT.
THAT'S IT. NO MORE
SHORTCUTS FOR ME.
I KNOW BETTER.
YOU KNOW, THERE'S NO
SHORTCUTS IN LIFE.
I'M SURE
YOU KNOW THAT.
I KNOW THAT.
IT'S THE KIND OF THING
WHERE YOU JUST HAVE TO
CONCENTRATE.
BECAUSE I DON' KNOW HOW I GOT HERE.
I'M NOT SURE
I AM HERE.
YOU KNOW WHAT?
I DON'T THINK
I'M HERE.
AS A MATTER OF FACT,
I THINK I'M NO REALLY HERE.
AS A MATTER OF FACT,
I AM AN ALIEN
SPACE MONSTER,
AND I'M GOING TO
EAT YOU UP!
[MONSTER-LIKE ROAR]
AAH!
WHAT'S THE MATTER?
MY COLORING BOOK.
WHAT ABOUT IT?
I LEFT IT ON THE AIRPLANE.
WE'LL GET YOU
ANOTHER ONE.
I NEED THAT ONE!
HEY, I'M GOING TO
GET TOWED AWAY!
Loudspeaker:
FLIGHT 106 FROM ST. LOUIS
NOW ARRIVING AT GATE 61.
[PIGLIKE SQUEAL]
NEVER MIND.
IT'S OK.
WE CAN GO NOW.
OH, WELL,
I'M RELIEVED,
BECAUSE WE WEREN' GOING BACK TO GE A COLORING BOOK.
IT'S ALL RIGHT.
SHE'S NERVOUS.
SHE'S A SPACE MONSTER.
SHE HAS
FUNNY HAIR, HUH?
I KNOW.
YOU KNOW
WHAT?
I DON'T KNOW.
OH.
HEY! WHAT ARE
YOU DOING?
DON'T WRITE
THAT TICKET, MAN.
I HAD TO PICK UP
THE LITTLE BOY.
HE WAS TRAVELING
BY HIMSELF
IN TRAVELER'S AID.
DON'T YOU HAVE KIDS?
NO.
WELL, LISTEN.
IT WASN'T THAT LONG.
I WASN'T HERE
BUT 3 MINUTES.
I WAS NOT HERE
15 MINUTES.
I WOULD KNOW IF
I WAS HERE 15 MINUTES.
GET IN THE CAR.
IF I WAS HERE
15 MINUTES,
I WOULD NOT BE
FOOLING AROUND WITH YOU.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
GET IN!
I WASN'T HERE 15 MINUTES.
I WAS HERE 3 MINUTES.
WHY ARE YOU WRITING A TICKET?
I'M NOT PAYING IT,
I'M JUST TELLING YOU NOW.
DON'T PAY IT, LADY.
PAY YOUR LAWYER.
DO YOU BELIEVE
THAT GUY HAD THE NERVE
TO GIVE ME A TICKET?
I MEAN, THERE'S
DRUG ADDICTS OUT THERE,
THERE'S CRAZY PEOPLE
STARTING FIRES,
RUNNING AROUND NAKED,
AND WHA IS THIS GUY DOING--
THE POLICE DEPARTMENT,
OUR FABULOUS
POLICE DEPARTMENT?
GIVING ME A TICKET.
I WORK EVERY DAY.
I PAY RENT.
I COULD HAVE
BEEN PICKING UP
A LOVED ONE
OR SOMETHING.
OH, LOVED ONE.
THAT SOUNDS GOOD.
WELL, CAN'T CRY
ABOUT IT.
CANNO CRY ABOUT IT.
SO...YOU PLAY
CARDS, HUH?
Bogus: HE DOES MAGIC.
I DO MAGIC.
YOU DO MAGIC,
HUH? GOOD.
Bogus: YES, YES. YOU DO
THE FRENCH PASS.
I KNOW.
YOU KNOW WHAT?
NOTHING.
WHY DO YOU KEEP
SAYING "I KNOW"?
TELL HER
YOU ARE THINKING.
I WAS THINKING.
OH, GOOD. THAT'S
SOMETHING WE CAN
DO TOGETHER--THINK.
THINK.
THINK.
[RAP MUSIC PLAYING]
Harriet: THIS IS IT.
277 BARROW.
THAT'S WHERE WE LIVE.
CAN YOU
REMEMBER THAT?
YEAH.
NOW, LISTEN, UH--
277 BARROW?
YEAH.
I'VE ALWAYS
LIVED ALONE,
SO WE'RE GOING
TO HAVE TO HAVE
SOME RULES, OK?
YOU OK WITH RULES?
SOMETIMES.
DO YOU HAVE TO GO
TO THE BATHROOM?
BECAUSE IF YOU DO,
IT'S DOWN THE HALL.
NOW, I'VE ONLY GOT ONE,
SO WE'RE GOING TO
HAVE TO FIGURE OU WHAT WE WANT TO DO.
I DON'T WANT YOU TO LEAVE
TOOTHPASTE IN THE SINK
BECAUSE IT'S REALLY NASTY.
I'LL TRY NOT TO DO
THE SAME THING.
THE OTHER THING IS
I WOULD REALLY
APPRECIATE I IF YOU WOULD PUT DOWN
THE TOILET SEAT BECAUSE--
WELL, IT'S JUST BECAUSE
IT'S COURTEOUS.
OH. I GAVE THE METS
A PRETTY GOOD DEAL
ON SOME COFFEE MUGS,
SO THEY GAVE ME
A BASEBALL.
I HAVE A BASEBALL
SIGNED BY LIZA MINELLI.
WHY WOULD LIZA MINELLI
SIGN A BASEBALL?
THE SAHARA HOTEL
WAS PLAYING
THE HILTON HOTEL
ON SUNDAY.
MY MOM TOOK ME,
AND MR. ANTOINE
GOT LIZA MINELLI
TO SIGN A BALL.
IT SAYS, "TO MY
FAVORITE ALL-STAR,
FROM LIZA MINELLI."
ENGELBERT HUMPERDINCK
HIT A HOME RUN
IN THAT GAME.
WELL, YOU KNOW,
I DON'T REALLY GE ENGELBERT HUMPERDINCK.
HE'S NICE.
PICKED ME UP ONCE.
HE'S STRONG.
PLEASE RELEASE ME
LET ME GO
ARE YOU HUNGRY?
NO.
WELL, YOU HAVE TO
EAT SOMETHING.
COME IN HERE.
I GOT US A COUPLE
OF TV DINNERS.
Albert:
WHAT KIND?
Harriet: FISH CAKES.
FISH CAKES?
OH, NO.
YOU LIKE FISH, DON'T YOU?
IT'S LIKE BRAIN FOOD.
WE LIKE NACHOS.
WE LIKE NACHOS.
WELL, WE DON' HAVE NO NACHOS.
WE HAVE FISH CAKES.
WE HAVE FISH CAKES
WITH CAULIFLOWER
AND BROWNIES.
THAT'S WHAT WE HAVE.
HERE ARE THE PLATES,
AND HERE ARE THE CUPS.
STYROFOAM?!
THEY'RE NO BIODEGRADABLE.
THAT'S TOO BAD,
BECAUSE I GO 2,500 OF THEM.
THEY'RE ALL MISPRINTED,
SO I GOT STUCK WITH THEM.
I THINK IT'S TOO EARLY
TO TALK ABOUT BIODEGRADABLE.
NO, NO.
[SOFTLY]
SHE'S A POLLUTER.
WHAT?
NOTHING.
WHY DON'T I SHOW YOU
YOUR ROOM?
I WANT TO GO HOME.
SHE'S NERVOUS.
SHE SCARES ME.
I'LL STAY BY YOUR SIDE
LIKE KRAZY GLUE.
PROMISE?
I NEVER BREAK
A PROMISE.
Harriet: WHO ARE
YOU TALKING TO?
NOBODY.
Harriet: MUMBLING
ALL THE TIME.
I DON'T KNOW WHA YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT.
YOU NOTICE I GOT YOU
YOUR OWN TELEVISION SET,
AND IF YOU LOOK
OUT THE WINDOW,
YOU'LL SEE
THERE'S A PARK.
IN THE PARK,
THERE'S A PLAYGROUND.
IF ANYBODY SAYS
ANYTHING TO YOU, RUN.
NOW, WE'RE LOOKING INTO
BOYS' CLUBS AND Ys FOR YOU
BECAUSE I'M GOING TO BE
WORKING ALL THE TIME.
I DON'T HAVE TIME TO
SPEND WITH YOU, YOU KNOW,
BECAUSE I'M TRYING
TO EXPAND MY BUSINESS.
I'M ACTUALLY TRYING
TO BUY A WAREHOUSE SUPPLY.
YEAH, WELL...
WE'RE LOOKING INTO
SUMMER CAMPS FOR YOU, TOO.
YOU LIKE SUMMER CAMP?
MY MOM
TOOK ME PLACES
IN THE SUMMER.
OH. WELL,
I CAN'T DO THA BECAUSE, OBVIOUSLY,
I HAVE A BUSINESS TO RUN.
CUPBOARD'S OVER THERE.
BATHROOM'S DOWN THE HALL.
I PUT SOME LITTLE
MICKEY MOUSE SOAPS
IN THERE FOR YOU.
WANT TO TAKE A BATH?
I'LL GO RUN YOU A BATH.
I'LL RUN YOU A BATH.
OH, AND DON'T MESS
WITH THE FIRE ESCAPE.
IT'S OFF-LIMITS.
[SIREN]
YOU KNOW, I HEARD
YOU'RE GOOD IN SCHOOL.
DO YOU LIKE SCHOOL?
I GUESS SO.
SO...YOU MISS
EVERYBODY, HUH?
YOUR MOM AND...
SAY YES.
YES.
WELL, YOU'RE JUS GOING TO HAVE TO...
DEAL WITH IT.
YOU KNOW,
YOU GOT TO GET STRONG.
GOT TO LEARN
TO GROW UP.
YOU DON'T ALWAYS
GET CHOICES IN LIFE.
YOUR MOM HAD TO DO IT.
I HAD TO DO IT.
WE HAD TO GROW UP.
WE GREW UP.
YOUR MOM WAS
MY BEST FRIEND.
SHE WAS MY REAL PAL.
YOU CAN PUT YOUR THINGS
AWAY, CAN'T YOU?
HE WANTS YOU TO TELL
HIM A BIG HELLO.
HE WANTS YOU
TO TELL HIM
YOU LIKE HIS FACE.
WHY DON'T YOU
PICK HIM UP
AND GIVE A BIG, BIG
KISS ON HIS FACE?
I DON'T WANT HER
TO PICK ME UP.
OH, YES,
YOU DO. OOH!
NO, I DON'T.
[DOOR CLOSES]
OH, YOU CRY?
CRY.
IS GOOD TO CRY.
I WON'T CRY!
I WON'T WATCH TV,
AND I WON'T GO
TO SUMMER CAMP,
AND I WON' WASH MY HANDS
WITH MICKEY MOUSE.
MAYBE MINNIE?
NO.
GOOFY?
NO. I WANT TO GO HOME!
BUT YOU HAVE
NO TICKET.
I HAVE
MY OWN MONEY.
IT'S ALL HERE.
I CAN USE IT FOR
WHATEVER I WANT TO.
I HAVE MY OWN
INSURANCE POLICY THA MY MOTHER LEFT ME.
I'M GOING TO BE
REALLY RICH.
IT'S FOR COLLEGE,
YOU KNOW?
SHE DOESN' KNOW ANYTHING
ABOUT BASEBALL.
ALL SHE DOES IS
TALK ABOUT NEWARK.
I HATE NEWARK.
I HATE IT!
SHE--SHE--SHE WANTS...
SHE NEEDS A FRIEND, HUH?
YOU SHOULD TRY.
I DON'T WANT TO TRY.
YES, YOU DO.
NO, I DON'T!
YES, YOU DO.
NO, I DON'T!
YE...
I WANT TO GO BACK
TO VEGAS.
I DON' LIKE IT HERE.
I DON'T WANT TO TRY.
ALBERT?
YOUR BATH'S READY.
ALBERT, LET'S GO.
IT'S DOWN HERE.
I RAN A TUB FOR YOU.
I DON'T KNOW
HOW YOU LIKE IT,
SO MAYBE IT'S TOO HOT.
YOU'LL GET IN
AND LET ME KNOW.
I PUT SOME OF THIS IN.
IT'S BIG BIRD.
SO...IT'S ALL READY.
DO YOU NEED ME
TO TAKE YOUR CL--
I CAN WASH MYSELF.
OH! GREAT. I'M GOING
TO FIX DINNER.
I CAN'T LIVE HERE.
IF I LIVE HERE,
I'LL DIE.
Bogus: YOU CANNOT DIE.
YOU JUST GOT HERE.
BESIDES, IF YOU DIE,
WHAT WILL YOU DO
TOMORROW?
WHAT WILL I DO?
I COULD LOSE MY JOB.
IF YOU DIE, I'M BACK
WAITING FOR SOMEONE
TO MAKE ME UP AGAIN.
BACK WHERE?
BACK WHERE
I COME FROM.
WHERE'S THAT?
THAT IS WHERE I AM
BEFORE YOU MAKE ME UP.
HMM?
BEFORE I DREW
YOUR PICTURE?
ARE THERE
OTHER PEOPLE THERE?
OOH!
OOH. EVERYBODY
YOU CAN IMAGINE.
MY MOTHER?
YOU SHOULD WASH
BEHIND THE EARS.
I WANT TO GO HOME.
I DON' LIKE IT HERE.
I WANT TO SEE
MY MOTHER.
ALBERT...
YOUR MOTHER IS DEAD.
I HATE THAT WORD!
I WANT TO GO
TO WHERE YOU LIVE.
THIS IS WHERE
I LIVE, YOU KNOW?
HERE IT IS.
WHERE--WHERE YOU LIVE,
I LIVE.
THIS IS NO WHERE I LIVE.
IS!
ISN'T!
IS!
ISN'T!
IS!
ISN'T!
ISN'T!
ISN'T!
ALBERT, ARE YOU
ALL RIGHT IN THERE?
HUH?
Bogus:
SAY YES.
YEAH.
GREAT. WELL, HURRY UP.
DINNER'S ALMOST READY.
[LAUGHING]
SHE'S HUNGRY.
HA HA HA!
ALBERT,
DINNER'S READY.
I'M NOT HUNGRY.
WELL, COME ON.
IT TURNED OUT GREAT.
I DON'T WANT ANY.
COME ON. YOU GO TO EAT SOMETHING.
I DON'T WANT ANY!
FINE. FINE.
[KNOCK ON DOOR]
ALBERT?
ALBERT, I MADE YOU
A SANDWICH.
[DOORBELL RINGS]
Woman: THIS MUS BE HARRIET.
THIS IS MRS. FRANKLIN,
HARRIET--YOUR FOSTER MOTHER.
HI.
THIS IS YOUR NEW HOME.
Mrs. Franklin:
COME IN.
THIS IS HARRIET,
EVERYBODY.
THIS IS MR. FRANKLIN,
RICHARD, DAVID.
HELLO, HARRIET.
AND THIS IS LORRAINE.
HI.
HI.
YOU'RE GOING TO
SLEEP IN MY ROOM,
AND WE CAN BE
BEST FRIENDS.
Bogus: ALBERT,
ARE YOU HUNGRY?
WHAT'S
IN THE SANDWICH?
OH!
PEANUTS.
PEANUTS BUTTER.
NO, THANK YOU.
NO, THANK YOU.
[RAP MUSIC PLAYING]
[SCHOOL BELL RINGS]
Man: SLOW DOWN!
SLOW DOWN! NO RUNNING
IN THE HALLWAYS.
YOU KNOW THE RULES.
OK, MS. FRANKLIN.
I'LL TAKE ALBERT TO HIS CLASS.
YOU CAN PICK HIM UP AT 2:45.
SAY GOOD-BYE, ALBERT.
BYE.
LISTEN TO
YOUR TEACHERS...
AND DON'T GE INTO TROUBLE.
I'LL BE ON THE STEPS
AT 2:45. BE THERE.
YOU HEAR
WHAT SHE SAID?
YES.
Woman: ALL RIGHT.
I'M GOING TO HAVE TO
CALL YOU BACK.
GOOD MORNING,
HARRIET.
WHAT,
DON'T I EXIST?
GOOD MORNING,
HARRIET. SO?
HOW IS HE?
WHAT'S HE LIKE?
I DON'T KNOW.
HE'S LIKE A LITTLE BOY.
DOES HE LIKE HIS ROOM?
DID YOU FEED HIM?
HE WASN'T HUNGRY.
HE DOESN'T LIKE
STYROFOAM CUPS
BECAUSE THEY'RE
NOT BIODEGRADABLE.
OF COURSE NOT.
HE'S A KID.
HE'S GO CONVICTIONS.
SO? WHAT DID
YOU GUYS TALK ABOUT?
WHAT DID
HE HAVE TO SAY?
HE DIDN'T SAY
MUCH OF ANYTHING TO ME.
HE TALKED TO HIS FRIEND.
THE CHILD IS
OBVIOUSLY NOT ALONE.
HE'S GOT A FRIEND?
MM-HMM.
AND I CAN'T TELL YOU
ANYTHING ABOUT HIM
BECAUSE HE'S INVISIBLE
AND I CAN'T SEE HIM.
I HAD A LITTLE FRIEND
WHEN I WAS GROWING UP.
LITTLE BITTY THING.
CAN'T REMEMBER HER NAME,
BUT SHE LIVED IN MY EAR,
AND SHE WORE A TUXEDO,
AND SHE
WHISPERED THINGS TO ME
I NEVER KNEW ABOUT.
SHE MADE ME FEEL SAFE.
I COULDN'T HAVE
SURVIVED WITHOUT HER.
DRUDELLA.
YEAH.
THAT WAS HER NAME.
EXCUSE ME!
DO I HAVE
ANY APPOINTMENTS TODAY?
YOU CAN SEE THE HUDSON
BROTHERS AT 10:00.
IF YOU WAN TO DROP IN ON SPRINGER,
HE'S INTERESTED IN
THE COCKTAIL GLASSES
AT THE MARCH 30th RATE.
DID BOB MORRISON CALL?
HE JUST CALLED.
HE CAN MEET YOU A THE WAREHOUSE AT 3:00.
I HAVE TO PICK UP
ALBERT AT 2:45.
YOU CAN MAKE IT.
I CAN'T. YOU'RE GOING TO
HAVE TO PICK HIM UP.
I GOT THE DENTIS AT 3:00.
TAKE HIM WITH YOU.
I'LL PICK UP ALBER IF YOU HAVE
THE ROOT CANAL.
NO! SEE...I KNEW THIS
WASN'T GOING TO WORK OUT.
THIS IS NO GOING TO WORK.
I HAVEN'T HAD
A CONVERSATION
WITH A CHILD
SINCE I WAS A CHILD,
AND NOW I GOT ONE
SITTING ON THE STEPS
WAITING FOR ME
TO PICK HIM UP AT 2:45.
[CHILDREN SHOUTING]
[HORN SOUNDING]
GODDAMN!
GODDAMN!
GODDAMN!
MAYBE SHE'S
NOT COMING.
Boy: LISTEN TO HIM.
SHE'LL COME.
Boy:
THERE'S NO ONE THERE.
Albert: MAYBE
SHE'LL NEVER COME.
THIS KID'S
REALLY NUTS.
LET'S GO.
SHE'LL BE MAD.
I DON'T CARE.
HEY, WEIRDO,
WHERE ARE YOU GOING?
Boy: HEY, ALBERT,
WHO YOU TALKING TO?
COME ON.
Soundtrack:
ME AND MY SHADOW
STROLLING DOWN THE AVENUE
ME AND MY SHADOW
I NEED A FRIEND
TO TELL MY TROUBLES TO
THAT'S
A BIG TRUCK.
LOOK, LOOK, LOOK!
HEY, FISH FACE!
[HORN HONKS]
HEY, LOOK OUT!
Cabbie:
WATCH OUT, KID.
WHY WASN'T SOMEBODY
WATCHING HIM?
WE CAN'T WATCH THEM
EVERY MINUTE.
WE'RE DOING THE BES THAT WE CAN.
THE PARENTS
GOT TO ASSUME SOME
RESPONSIBILITY, TOO.
YOU WERE LATE.
YOU KNOW THAT.
WHAT ARE YOU TELLING ME,
I'M IRRESPONSIBLE
BECAUSE I DON'T CONTROL
THE TRAFFIC IN NEWARK?
YOU SHOULD
HAVE LEFT EARLIER!
HEY, YOU 2 KIDS.
DID YOU SEE ALBERT?
YOU KNOW,
THE NEW STUDENT.
DID YOU SEE HIM?
HE WENT BACK TO LAS VEGAS.
TALKING
TO HIMSELF.
YOU COVER
THE STREETS
AND THE PARK.
I'LL CHECK OU THE YARD HERE.
DON'T WORRY.
WE'LL FIND HIM.
YOU 2 KIDS
GO ON HOME.
HEY, LADY!
YOUR KID'S WEIRD.
COME HERE.
YOU WANT TO
SEE SOMETHING
REALLY WEIRD?
SURE.
GO HOME AND LOOK
AT YOUR MOTHERS!
AAH!
YOO HOO!
EAT LEAD,
MUTANT SCUM!
[GUNSHOT]
AAH!
I'M...DYING!
HUH!
AAH!
AAH! HA HA HA!
Albert:
WHOO WHOO WHOO WHOO!
[IMITATING MACHINE GUN FIRE]
AAH!
I GOT YOU!
AAH!
[GROANS]
AAH!
ALBERT.
ALBERT!
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
DO YOU KNOW
THAT EVERYBODY'S
LOOKING FOR YOU?
COME ON!
WHAT IS THE MATTER
WITH YOU?
THE WHOLE SCHOOL
IS LOOKING FOR YOU.
AND WHERE ARE YOU?
LAYING HERE IN THE PARK
TALKING TO YOURSELF.
YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW WHA DIRECTION YOU'RE GOING.
YOU LIVE THAT WAY.
HEY! EXCUSE ME.
I WAS HERE LOOKING
FOR MY LOST SON.
GET IN THE CAR.
HE WAS LOST. HE'S JUS A LITTLE WHITE BOY,
DOESN'T KNOW WHERE
HE'S GOING. HE'S TRYING
TO FIND HIS WAY HOME.
AREN'T WE ALL?
NO. WE ALL ARE NOT.
I KNOW WHERE I LIVE.
I LIVE THAT WAY.
I'VE ALWAYS KNOWN
WHERE I LIVED.
PLEASE, SPARE ME
ANY KIND OF PHILOSOPHY
YOU GETTING READY
TO THROW.
HAKUNA MATATA.
DISNEY CARTOONS
EVERYWHERE YOU TURN.
DISNEY,
DISNEY, DISNEY.
PEOPLE HAVING
CONVERSATIONS
WITH THEMSELVES.
LIKE YOU. YOU KNOW
HOW STRANGE YOU LOOK
HAVING
A CONVERSATION
BY YOURSELF?
I HAVE A THEORY
ABOUT THAT.
IF I CAN'T SEE IT,
IT DOESN'T EXIST.
THAT'S BECAUSE YOU
DON'T BELIEVE IN MAGIC.
YEAH, WELL...
I DON'T.
YOU KNOW WHY?
BECAUSE WHEN I WAS
A LITTLE KID,
THEY USED TO HAVE
THIS SHOW ON TV
CALLED PETER PAN.
HAD THIS
GROWN WOMAN IN I NAMED MARY MARTIN
DRESSED UP
LIKE A LITTLE BOY,
WHICH I DON' EVEN WANT TO
GET INTO NOW.
SO THIS LITTLE FAIRY
GETS SICK, RIGHT?
TINKERBELL.
SHE DRINKS THE POISON
THAT CAPTAIN HOOK
LEFT FOR PETER.
YEAH. WHOEVER, WHATEVER.
ANYWAY, THEY SAID,
"WELL, IF YOU
BELIEVE IN MAGIC,
"WHY, THEN, YOU JUS CLAP YOUR HANDS,
AND SHE'LL GET BETTER.
YEAH, IF YOU BELIEVE,
CLAP YOUR HANDS, OOH!
SHE'LL GET BETTER."
LET ME TELL YOU
SOMETHING:
I DIDN'T BELIEVE, SO I
DIDN'T CLAP MY HANDS,
AND YOU KNOW WHAT?
SHE GOT BETTER ANYWAY,
WHICH JUST GOES
TO SHOW YOU THERE IS
NO SUCH THING AS MAGIC.
PEOPLE JUST TRY
TO MAKE YOU BELIEVE
THAT THERE IS.
I WATCHED THAT VIDEO
WITH MY MOM.
WE ALWAYS
CLAPPED OUR HANDS.
YEAH, WELL...
HA HA!
YOU CAN'T BELIEVE--
I GOT CAUGH IN A DETOUR.
YOU KNOW, THEY'RE
TEARING UP ALLEN STREET.
COME ON, HARRIET.
NOBODY TAKES
ALLEN STREET.
YOU TAKE ROSE,
AND YOU CU ACROSS THE 92.
SO YOU BROUGH YOUR BODYGUARD, HUH?
ALBERT, MR. MORRISON.
HI. BOB.
COME ON.
I JUST WANT TO
SHOW YOU THIS.
Harriet: ISN'T THIS GREAT?
ISN'T THIS SPECTACULAR?
ISN'T IT EVERYTHING I SAID
IT WAS GOING TO BE?
I MEAN, IT'S AMAZING.
LOOK AT THIS PLACE!
AND YOU KNOW WHAT'S
WONDERFUL ABOUT IT?
IT HAS ITS OWN
2 TRUCKS.
ALBERT, DON'T BREAK ANYTHING.
I DON'T OWN IT YET.
AND LEAVE
THAT CAT ALONE.
BOB, SO, CAN YOU SEE
WHAT I CAN DO HERE?
YOU CAN MAKE
A LOT OF SOUP.
BOB, I'M SERIOUS.
I TAKE YOU
SERIOUSLY, HARRIET.
I ALWAYS DID.
WELL, THEN,
MAKE THE NUMBERS WORK.
PUT IT TOGETHER, BOB,
AND MAKE IT WORK.
Albert: WOW!
Bogus: VANILLA.
WHAT DO YOU WANT?
OH, UH...
STRAWBERRY!
STRAWBERRY? WHAT?
OK, STRAWBERRY.
STRAWBERRY.
AND CHOCOLATE.
CHOCOLATE.
BANANAS.
TUTTI-FRUTTI ONCE
AND SPUMONI TWICE
BANANA SPLI FOR MY BABY
AND A GLASS
OF PLAIN WATER FOR ME
SPRAY THE WHIP CREAM
FOR AT LEAST AN HOUR
PILE IT AS HIGH
AS THE EIFFEL TOWER
NUTS!
LOAD IT WITH NUTS,
ABOUT 16 TONS
TOP IT WITH A PIZZA
JUST FOR FUN
BANANA SPLIT FOR MY BABY
AND A GLASS
OF PLAIN WATER FOR ME
BANANA SPLIT FOR MY BABY
AND A GLASS
OF PLAIN WATER FOR ME
WHY WRAP YOURSELF UP
IN THIS PLACE?
IT'S LIKE
A BIG TOMB.
ALL YOUR VITALITY,
WHY DO YOU WANT TO
BURY IT IN HERE?
WELL, BECAUSE THIS
IS GOOD, BOB.
THIS IS
A GOOD INVESTMENT.
I'LL DO MY BEST.
Bob: THAT LOOKS GOOD.
WHAT DO YOU
GOT THERE?
A BANANA SPLIT!
UH-HUH.
MAY I HAVE A TASTE?
MMM!
THAT'S GOOD!
YOU KNOW,
I HAVE A BOY YOUR AGE.
I'M GIVING HIM
A BIRTHDAY PARTY
IN A COUPLE OF WEEKS.
LIKE TO COME?
SURE.
GOOD!
YOU LIKE A PARTY,
DON'T YOU, HARRIET?
OH, YEAH!
GOT TO GO.
WAIT A MINUTE, BOB.
THERE'S SO MUCH
I WANT TO SHOW YOU.
I'VE SEEN ENOUGH.
I'LL RUN SOME NUMBERS
AND GET BACK TO YOU.
SO LONG, ALBERT.
DON'T GET NO TUMMY ACHE.
SO LONG, BOB.
Harriet:
RUN THE NUMBERS, BOB.
I'LL DO THE BES I CAN, HARRIET.
ASK HER IF SHE WANTS
A BANANA SPLIT.
SHE WON'T.
SHE WON'T WHAT?
NOTHING.
COME ON.
LISTEN, UH...
THIS IS THE DEAL.
I BROUGHT HIM HERE
TO SHOW HIM
ALL OF THIS
BECAUSE I WANT HIM
TO GIVE ME THE MONEY
TO GET IT.
NOW BECAUSE OF
YOU, WE'RE GOING
TO A PARTY,
SO I WANT YOU
TO TAKE BOB ASIDE,
AND I WANT YOU
TO SAY, "BOB,
THIS INVESTMEN IS GREAT FOR
YOUR BANK."
REPEAT THAT TO ME
RIGHT NOW.
Both: THIS INVESTMEN IS GREAT FOR YOUR BANK.
ALBERT, CAN I ASK
YOU A QUESTION?
WHO DO YOU TALK TO
ALL THE TIME?
BOGUS.
BOGUS.
AND, UH...WHERE'S
YOUR FRIEND COME FROM?
FRANCE. HE'S FRENCH.
FRENCH.
OUI.
OUI.
LISTEN, ALBERT,
I GOT TO TELL YOU.
I'D FEEL A LO MORE COMFORTABLE
IF YOU HAD
SOME VISIBLE FRIENDS.
SEE, THEN I WOULDN'T CARE
IF THEY WERE FROM FRANCE
OR GERMANY OR ETHIOPIA.
TELL HER ABOU ETHIOPIA.
ETHIOPIA IS
IN THE NORTHERN
PART OF AFRICA.
CHILDREN IN ETHIOPIA
ARE VERY HUNGRY.
THERE'S A DROUGHT THERE.
THAT MEANS NO RAIN.
LIZA MINNELLI
WENT THERE ONCE
WITH SHIRLEY MacLAINE.
MOM TOLD ME AUDREY HEPBURN
MADE THEM COME.
HOW DO YOU
KNOW ALL THAT?
I WROTE A REPORT.
MY MOM HELPED ME.
YOU WAN A ROOT BEER?
YOU KNOW, ALBERT,
YOU'RE SO SMART.
I...I JUST DON' THINK YOU NEED
THAT FRENCH GUY ANYMORE.
LET ME
TAKE CARE OF HIM.
SAY THERE, MR. BOGUS,
I DON'T THINK ALBERT--
Albert: THAT'S NO WHERE HE IS.
HE'S NOT TEENY-TINY?
HE'S BIGGER
THAN YOU ARE.
OH.
OH! HA HA!
OF COURSE HE IS!
LOOK AT HIM STANDING
RIGHT OVER THERE.
LISTEN, IT'S TIME
FOR YOU TO GO
BACK TO FRANCE.
YOU KNOW, ALBER DOESN'T REALLY
NEED YOU ANYMORE.
I KNOW! NO, I KNOW
THAT YOU'RE NOT HAPPY
HERE IN NEWARK.
YOU HATE NEWARK.
I KNOW YOU DO.
OH. WELL,
NO, YOU AGREE.
OF COURSE.
HA HA! THANK YOU.
WELL, IT'S BEEN REAL.
BYE-BYE NOW.
AU REVOIR.
VOILA. HE'S GONE.
YOU DIDN'T REALLY
SEE HIM.
OF COURSE I DID.
WHAT WAS HE WEARING?
A COAT.
A BIG COAT.
A BIG, FRENCH COAT.
WHAT COLOR WAS IT?
BROWN. HE WAS WEARING
A BIG, FRENCH, BROWN COAT,
AND HE SAID
TO SAY GOOD-BYE,
SO WHY DON'T YOU
FINISH YOUR SPAGHETTI,
HAVE AN OREO COOKIE,
AND I'M GOING TO FINISH
MY PHONE CALLS, OK?
SEE, WE'RE WORKING
IT OUT, ALBERT.
[WHISPERING]
Bogus.
Bogus.
BOGUS?
BOGUS?
BOGUS!
BOGUS, YOU CAN
COME OUT NOW.
Bogus:
RRRR...
[RAT-TAT-TAT]
OH!
WHERE WERE YOU?
WHY DID YOU DISAPPEAR?
SHE FOOLED YOU.
SHE FOOLED ME, TOO,
FOR A MINUTE.
I THOUGHT I WAS GONE.
PENDENT UNE MINUTE,
J'AI CRU QUE J'ETAIS PARTI.
Albert: I DON'T WANT YOU
TO LEAVE ME AGAIN.
THAT'S AN ORDER.
OUI, MON GENERAL.
YOU'RE MY FRIEND,
AND I WANT YOU TO
ALWAYS BE MY FRIEND.
FOR AS LONG
AS YOU NEED ME.
I'LL ALWAYS NEED YOU.
YOU'RE MY BEST FRIEND.
MY ONLY FRIEND.
YOU'RE MY MON AMI.
I AM YOUR
BEST FRIEND.
I KNOW YOU BETTER
THAN ANYONE.
BETTER THAN ANYONE.
BETTER THAN YOU
KNOW YOURSELF.
[HUMMING]
[SINGING IN FRENCH]
[THE CONTINENTAL PLAYING]
Bogus, faintly: HELLO.
HELLO.
HARRIET?
HELLO?
HELLO.
WOULD YOU LIKE
TO SEE ME?
MMM...
[BLOWS]
HUH!
ALBERT?
Harriet: ALBERT, WERE YOU
IN MY ROOM LAST NIGHT?
Albert: NO.
[TALKING ON RADIO]
[SHUTS OFF RADIO]
LET'S GO.
UHH!
UHH...
Woman: WORDS STARTING
WITH "A." ANYBODY ELSE?
Girl: ARTICHOKE.
ARTICHOKE. WHA A WONDERFUL WORD, ANGELA.
THAT WILL BE
FUN TO USE IN A SENTENCE.
I'LL SHOW YOU
HOW TO SPELL IT.
Angela: I KNOW
HOW TO SPELL IT.
Boy:
HOW ABOUT ALASKA?
GOOD, THOMAS.
ALASKA'S A GOOD SUBJECT.
IT'S OUR COUNTRY'S
LARGEST STATE.
I KNOW THAT.
UH, WORDS
BEGINNING WITH "B."
ALBERT?
BOGUS.
BOGUS. WELL, WHA A GROWN-UP WORD.
CAN YOU TELL ME
WHAT IT MEANS?
IT MEANS...
FRIEND.
I'M AFRAID THAT'S
NOT RIGHT, ALBERT.
BOGUS IS A WORD
YOU'LL USE WHEN
YOU'RE A LITTLE OLDER.
IT MEANS FAKE.
SOMETHING THA IS NOT REAL.
NO, BOGUS IS REAL.
BOGUS IS NOT REAL.
THE WORD BOGUS MEANS
JUST THE OPPOSITE
OF REAL.
IT MEANS PRETENDING
TO BE REAL.
SOMETHING NOT BEING
WHAT IT SEEMS TO BE.
IT'S VERY IMPORTAN YOU NOT CONFUSE THE
MEANING OF WORDS.
HA HA!
WHAT ARE YOU
LOOKING AT, ALBERT?
WHAT'S SO FUNNY?
MMM...NOTHING.
NOW, THEN, ALBERT,
CAN YOU TELL ME
THE CORRECT MEANING
OF THE WORD BOGUS?
IT MEANS...
FRIEND.
NO, NO, NO!
BOGUS MEANS FAKE!
BOGUS IS NOT FAKE!
DON'T YOU SHOU AT ME, YOUNG MAN!
NO, BOGUS IS REAL!
HE'S ALWAYS BEEN REAL!
[CHILDREN GIGGLING]
ALL RIGHT.
ALL RIGHT, UM...
WE'LL TALK
ABOUT THIS LATER ON.
YOU CAN SIT DOWN.
UM...WE'LL GO ON.
WORDS STARTING
WITH THE LETTER "C."
Boy:
OH, RIGHT HERE.
JEFFREY.
[DISHES CLANKING]
BOB MORRISON'S KID'S
BIRTHDAY PARTY.
UH-UH. TELL HIM
I'M IN PHILADELPHIA.
OH, COME ON, HARRIET.
IT WILL BE FUN.
IT WILL BE GOOD
FOR ALBERT.
HE'LL MEET OTHER KIDS.
WHAT SCARES YOU ABOU A BIRTHDAY PARTY?
[CRASH]
TAKE IT OU OF MY PAYCHECK.
WHO SAID ANYTHING
ABOUT BEING SCARED?
I'M NOT SCARED
OF ANYTHING.
THEN WHAT'S YOUR PROBLEM?
Penny:
HE'S 7.
7. HIS MOTHER DIED.
HE LOVED HER.
HE'S GOT TO
WORK IT OUT.
I KNOW HE'S 7.
I KNOW HIS MOTHER DIED.
I ALSO HAVE TO
WORK IT OUT.
BUT YOU'RE NOT 7.
SOME PART OF ME IS 7!
LET THE PART THAT'S 7
BE FRIENDS WITH HIS 7.
WHAT ARE YOU,
SIGMUND FREUD?
STOP ANALYZING ME.
YOU ARE MY SECRETARY!
TAKE THE KID
TO THE PARTY.
Man: ARE YOU READY
FOR A SURPRISE?
Children:
YEAH!
IT'S ME, DR. SURPRISE!
YAY!
YAY!
DO YOU LIKE
SURPRISES?
YES!
YES!
Bob: HARRIET,
HARRIET, HARRIET.
HA HA HA!
HERE'S A PARTY HA FOR YOU.
I DON'T--
UH, YES, HARRIET.
YES, YES, YES.
HEY, DOUG.
HI, BOB. HOW ARE YOU?
LONG TIME NO SEE.
HERE'S A HA FOR YOU.
KID'S HAVING A GREA TIME, HARRIET.
OH, YEAH.
HAVE SOME CAKE.
I DON'T--
COME ON, HARRIET.
HAVE A PIECE OF CAKE.
THIS IS A NICE HOUSE.
WELL, I GOT THE HOUSE.
MY WIFE GOT THE MONEY.
YES. I ALWAYS THOUGH IT WAS THE OTHER WAY AROUND.
LISTEN, UM...
ABOUT THE LOAN--
IT'S A PARTY,
HARRIET.
WE'LL TALK
ABOUT IT LATER.
Children: YAY!
IS EVERYBODY HAVING FUN
AT DOUGIE'S BIRTHDAY PARTY?
YEAH!
YEAH!
AND NOW, I WANT YOU
TO FEAST YOUR EYES
ON THE MAGIC CLOSET:
DR. SURPRISE'S
CABINET OF MYSTERY!
HA HA HA!
HO HO!
THE ONE AND ONLY PLACE
THAT'S GUARANTEED TO SHOW YOU
THINGS AS THEY
REALLY ARE.
IT'S THE DOUBLE-DOOR
TRICK.
MAGIC WAND,
OH, MAGIC WAND.
CHOOSE, MAGIC WAND...
THAT LOVELY LADY
ACROSS THE LAWN!
PLEASE, COME UP
AND HELP US.
YEAH, YOU. YES.
NO. NO, THANK YOU.
GET SOMEBODY ELSE.
YOU'RE THE ONE.
NO, I'M NOT.
JUST DO YOUR
MAGIC TRICK.
ARE WE GOING
TO LET THIS LADY
GET AWAY FROM
THE MAGIC CLOSET?
NO!
NO!
THEN LET'S FIND OU WHO SHE REALLY IS.
GO AND GET HER!
HA HA HA!
NO! COME ON, NOW!
STOP!
HA HA HA!
HO HO HO!
Girl: OW!
I'M SORRY. TELL HER
I DIDN'T MEAN TO HURT HER.
OK, KIDS, COME ON.
BACK TO YOUR SEATS.
COME ON, RIGHT NOW.
HURRY UP, EVERYONE.
CHOOSE ME,
DR. SURPRISE.
I'LL DO IT.
WHAT'S THE MATTER
WITH YOU, HARRIET?
I TOLD HIM I DIDN' WANT TO PLAY.
I SAID NO!
Dr. Surprise: JUST SETTLE DOWN,
KIDS. SETTLE DOWN. YES.
ARE YOU READY
FOR ANOTHER SURPRISE?
YES!
YES!
Woman: WHAT AM I
SUPPOSED TO DO?
RIGHT INTO THE BOX,
MY LITTLE CINNAMON BUN.
HERE IS
THE BIG SURPRISE!
ARE YOU READY
IN THE CLOSET?
Woman: YES, I AM,
DR. SURPRISE.
HA HA HA!
SIM SOLA BIM!
HUH! MOMMA!
WHERE'S MY MOMMA?
[CRYING]
[ADDING MACHINE WHIRS]
DR. SURPRISE ISN'T REALLY
A VERY GOOD MAGICIAN.
NO, HE'S NOT.
THAT'S PRETTY GOOD.
I HOLD IT THIS WAY,
AND YOU CAN' SEE IT.
AND I DO THIS.
SEE?
AND IT DROPS
DOWN HERE. SEE?
IT'S CALLED
THE FRENCH PASS.
MORE FRENCH, HUH?
I'VE GO A BETTER ONE.
MR. ANTOINE
TAUGHT ME.
HE'S THE BES MAGICIAN
IN LAS VEGAS.
LOOK, I DON'T HAVE TIME
FOR THIS RIGHT NOW.
I HAVE THESE BILLS
I HAVE TO PAY.
I JUST REALLY
DON'T HAVE TIME.
[DOOR SLAMS]
Albert:
I HATE HER!
I HATE HER!
HE WANTS TO SHOW YOU
A TRICK. THAT'S ALL.
WHY YOU
PUSH HIM AWAY?
AND NOW
YOU FEEL SO BAD.
HARRIET, WHY DO YOU
WANT TO FEEL SO BAD?
[ADDING MACHINE WHIRS]
WHAT IS THIS?
BELASCO'S 12,456
PINK COASTERS.
I WILL BE SO GLAD
WHEN I'M OUT OF THE
COASTER BUSINESS.
LET ME GET YOU
A CUP OF COFFEE.
WHAT'S WRONG?
BOB MORRISON
CALLED THIS MORNING.
YEAH?
HE SAID THE BANK
WON'T GIVE YOU
THE LOAN.
HE SAYS HE REALLY
WISHES HE COULD,
BUT HE DOESN'T THINK
HE CAN
GET IT THROUGH
THE LOAN COMMITTEE.
HE DOESN'T THINK
HE CAN GET IT THROUGH?
GET HIM ON THE PHONE.
HE'S OU OF TOWN ALL DAY.
YOU CAN'T REACH HIM.
HE GAVE ME
HIS HOME NUMBER
IN CASE YOU WANT TO
TALK TO HIM LATER.
I DON'T WAN TO TALK TO HIM LATER.
I WANT TO SEE HIM
FACE-TO-FACE TONIGHT.
GET ON THE PHONE,
AND TELL HIM I WAN TO SEE HIM TONIGHT.
WHAT ABOUT ALBERT?
I'LL GET THE LADY DOWNSTAIRS.
SHE'LL BABYSIT.
SHE DOESN'T CHARGE
FOR INVISIBLE FRIENDS.
Man: WHAT'S
YOUR ORDER?
2 MARTINIS.
2 MARTINIS.
HARVEY, IT SEEMS
THAT VETA IS HAVING
A PARTY
THIS AFTERNOON...
[MOVIE CONTINUES INDISTINCTLY]
[BLOWS]
Bogus: OHH...
IT'S A BAD IDEA,
ALBERT.
IT'S A BAD IDEA.
YOU CAN'T STOP ME.
BUT IT'S TOO FAR.
IT'S ONLY
2 HOURS BY BUS.
I SAW IT IN AN AD.
OH, I DON'T LIKE THIS.
IT'S A BAD IDEA.
DON'T FOLLOW ME.
[VOICE ON P.A. SYSTEM]
DO YOU WANT TO GO
TO ATLANTIC CITY?
WELL, THANK YOU,
HARVEY.
I PREFER YOU, TOO.
HA HA HA!
Harriet: HI.
HUH? OH, HI.
WHAT A LOVELY MOVIE.
EVERYTHING OK?
FINE. HE'S SUCH
A GOOD LITTLE BOY.
IS HE ASLEEP?
NOT A SOUND.
AT LEAST NOT NOW.
HE WAS IN THERE
TALKING TO SOMEBODY,
IF YOU KNOW
WHAT I MEAN.
YEAH. WHAT DO
I OWE YOU?
UH, $4.00 AN HOUR,
THAT WILL BE $18.00.
OK.
OH, THANK YOU.
YOU KNOW, WHEN MY
DAUGHTER WAS SMALL,
SHE USED TO TALK TO
HERSELF ALL THE TIME.
REALLY?
YEAH. I EVEN HAD TO
SET AN EXTRA PLACE
FOR SOMEBODY
NAMED TRINKET.
HELL, THEY WERE
REAL CLOSE.
GOOD NIGHT.
GOOD NIGHT.
ALBERT?
ALBERT?
COME ON,
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
COME ON, ALBERT,
WHERE ARE YOU?
ALBERT!
ALBERT?
DAMN!
ALBERT! A BAD IDEA.
IT'S STILL A BAD IDEA!
[MUSIC PLAYING FAINTLY]
Bogus: AH, VOILA.
MERCI!
HI, GOMEZ.
IT'S ME, ALBERT.
[CHIRPING]
[SCREECHES]
[SPEAKING FRENCH]
Albert: HI!
IT'S ME--ALBERT.
ALBERT! BUT WHA ARE YOU DOING HERE?
MON PETIT CHOU.
MON PETIT CHOU.
WHAT ARE YOU
DOING HERE?
IT WILL NOT WORK.
THEY WILL SEND YOU BACK.
NO, THEY WON'T.
THEY LOVE ME.
OF COURSE
WE LOVE YOU.
BUT HOW DID
YOU GET HERE?
ON THE BUS.
ON THE BUS?
WHO'D YOU COME WITH?
WHERE'S
YOUR GODMOTHER?
WHERE IS HARRIET?
WHERE?
I RAN AWAY.
I'M NEVER
GOING BACK.
I WANT TO STAY
WITH YOU.
I CAN'T BELIEVE
YOU HAVE DONE THIS,
ALBERT.
YOU ARE CRAZY!
I CAN DO
THE EGG TRICK.
I CAN DO
THE DOUBLE DISAPPEAR.
Antoine:
C'EST RIDICULE.
IL DOIT RETOURNER
CHEZ SA TANTE,
ET LE PLUS
TOT SERA LE MIEUX.
NE SOIS PAS BETE,
ANTOINE.
J'ESSAIE DE
LUI DIRE QUE C'ES UNE MAUVAISE IDEE.
YOU CAN CUT ME IN HALF
IF YOU WANT TO...
AND I CAN LEARN MORE.
I CAN DO THE EGG TRICK.
ANYTHING YOU WANT ME TO DO.
QUIET DOWN, ALBERT.
YOU REST NOW, OK?
DOUCEMENT,
DOUCEMENT.
I TAKE OFF
YOUR SHOES, OK?
NOW REST.
REST.
AND LATER,
WE WILL TAKE YOU
FOR HOT CAKES, OK?
BUT WE HAVE TO CALL
YOUR GODMOTHER.
I WANT TO STAY
WITH YOU.
YOU CANNOT STAY WITH US.
IS IMPOSSIBLE.
BUT WE LOVE YOU
VERY, VERY MUCH.
MM-HMM,
BUT IS IMPOSSIBLE.
NOW SLEEP.
SLEEP.
OH, MAGIC...SLEEP.
NOW, YOU SLEEP.
SLEEP.
NO MORE TROUBLES.
JUST PEACEFUL SLEEP.
HUSH.
SLEEP. HUSH, HUSH.
HUSH.
FERMEZ LES YEUX.
CLOSE YOUR EYES.
SHH. HUSH.
SLEEP.
HUSH.
[WHISTLING]
[SQUAWK]
[THUNDER]
Albert: BOGUS?
BOGUS?
I'M HERE.
I'M NOT GOING BACK.
SHH.
YES, YOU WILL.
YOU HAVE
TO BE STRONG.
SHE COMES FOR YOU.
I WANT MY MOM.
I KNOW.
I WANT TO FIND HER.
I WANT TO GO
TO YOUR WORLD.
BUT I'M NOT REAL.
I AM IMAGINATION.
I AM...BOGUS.
I DON'T CARE.
I DON'T WANT TO BE HERE.
TAKE ME TO WHERE
YOU COME FROM.
[SPUTTERING]
IT'S NO A REAL PLACE.
IT'S DANGEROUS.
YOU GET LOST...
AND NEVER COME BACK.
I'M GOING,
AND YOU CAN'T STOP ME!
ALBERT!
ALBERT, COME BACK!
ALBERT!
ALBERT, ALBERT!
COME BACK!
[PEOPLE CHATTERING]
[APPLAUSE]
[LAUGHTER]
[APPLAUSE]
Announcer:
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,
PLEASE WELCOME
THE ONE, THE ONLY...
THE GREAT ALBERTINI!
[APPLAUSE]
[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING]
[APPLAUSE]
[WHISTLING AND CHEERING]
WATCH, BECAUSE I AM ABOU TO CONFOUND YOU.
[CHEERING]
[WALTZ BEGINS PLAYING]
[APPLAUSE]
MOM?
MOM!
MOM!
[THUNDER]
MOM!
COME BACK!
Antoine: HE'S BEEN
HERE SINCE WE CAME
OFF THE STAGE.
Babette: HE'S ANYWAY
TOTALLY EXHAUSTED.
Harriet:
OF COURSE HE'S EXHAUSTED.
WHO THE HELL SELLS A BUS TICKE TO A LITTLE BOY?
AREN'T PEOPLE
PAYING ATTENTION OUT THERE?
SHH. DON'T WAKE HIM.
WATCH HIM TWITCH--
I THINK HE DREAMS.
THERE'S SOMETHING
STRANGE. HOW COME
A LITTLE BOY LIKE THA CAN RUN AWAY
IN THE MIDDLE
OF THE NIGHT?
HE'S HOMESICK.
I STILL DON' UNDERSTAND.
YOU DON'T HAVE TO UNDERSTAND
BECAUSE I'M HIS GODMOTHER.
I'M TAKING HIM HOME.
WHETHER YOU
WANT TO OR NOT.
I DON'T RECALL GETTING
ANY PHONE CALLS.
YOU GUYS NEVER EVEN
CHECKED TO SEE WHERE
THE HELL HE WAS.
[ANTOINE
SPEAKING FRENCH]
[SCREECH]
OK, LITTLE GUY.
UP WE GO.
ALL RIGHT.
OK.
WE'RE HOME.
NOW WE'LL GET INTO BED.
IT'LL BE GREAT.
OH, ALBERT, I KNOW WE
GOT OFF TO A ROUGH START,
BUT YOU'RE JUST GOING
TO HAVE TO UNDERSTAND
THIS IS WHERE
YOU LIVE NOW.
THIS IS YOUR HOME.
YOU KNOW?
BUT IT'S PROBABLY TOO LATE
TO BE TALKING ABOUT THIS.
WE CAN TALK ABOUT I OVER BREAKFAST IN THE MORNING.
YOU KNOW, I'LL MAKE YOU
SOME FRENCH TOAST FROM SCRATCH
'CAUSE I KNOW
YOU LIKE FRENCH STUFF.
AND MAYBE--MAYBE I CAN FIND
SOME REAL SYRUP--
YOU KNOW, THE KIND THEY HAVE
FROM REAL TREES.
I'M SURE THEY MUS HAVE SOME SOMEWHERE.
YOU FEEL
A LITTLE BIT COLD.
MAYBE I SHOULD MAKE YOU
SOME SOUP, HUH?
HE DOESN'T NEED SOUP.
YEAH, I'LL MAKE YOU
A LITTLE BIT OF SOUP.
YOU KNOW,
YOUR MOM LOVED SOUP.
THERE YOU GO.
AND YOU? YOU'RE SUPPOSED
TO BE HIS BEST FRIEND.
WHERE WERE YOU?
WHY WOULD YOU LET HIM
GO TO ATLANTIC CITY LIKE THAT?
YOU'RE OK? GOOD.
YOU KNOW, BOGUS, YOU OUGH TO START DOING YOUR JOB.
I DO MY JOB?
DO YOUR JOB.
YOU DON'T DO I WELL ENOUGH AS FAR
AS I'M CONCERNED,
BECAUSE I DO MY JOB.
I DO THE BES THAT I CAN.
WHAT MORE CAN I DO?
I GOT ALBERTITIS.
I'M TALKING TO MYSELF.
NO. YOU ARE TALKING
TO BOGUS.
I'M TALKING TO BOGUS?
BOGUS IS AN IMAGINARY
CHARACTER ON SOME
LITTLE BOY'S WALL.
YOU'RE NOT REAL.
NO. IT'S TIME
TO SEE ME, HARRIET.
SEE YOU?
I DON'T SEE ANYTHING.
WHERE ARE YOU?
I'M HERE.
WHERE?
HERE, HARRIET.
JUST BEHIND YOU.
DON'T BE AFRAID.
TRY.
I'M HERE.
BELIEVE, HARRIET,
AND YOU WILL SEE.
I'M WAITING.
AAH!
DON'T BE AFRAID!
STOP, HARRIET.
DON'T BE AFRAID.
THERE'S A BIG
WHITE MAN
IN MY KITCHEN!
GET OUT OF HERE!
GET AWAY FROM ME!
NO, NO, NO!
HARRIET!
I'M A PART OF YOU,
HARRIET.
NO. GO AWAY.
YOU ARE SUCH
A DIFFICULT WOMAN.
I SAID, GO AWAY.
HOW CAN I GO AWAY?
LIKE THIS.
OH!
OH, YOU WAN TO PLAY DIRTY?
[CRUNCHING SOUND]
OW! STOP THAT!
THAT HURT.
WHAT'S THE MATTER
WITH YOU?
I SAID I DIDN' WANT TO PLAY.
YOU HAVE TO PLAY.
I DON'T HAVE
TO PLAY WITH YOU!
THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT,
YOU KNOW THAT?
IF NOT FOR YOU,
THIS LITTLE BOY
WOULD BE FINE.
IT'S BETTER I'M HERE.
YOU NEED ME, HARRIET.
OH, REALLY?
YEAH.
I NEED A BIG
IMAGINARY FRENCHMAN
WHO COMES IN AND
MESSES UP MY LIFE?
NO. THIS IS NUTS.
NO, IT'S NOT NUTS.
IS IMAGINATION.
WHERE IS YOUR
IMAGINATION,
HARRIET?
MY IMAGINATION IS FINE.
I SEE YOU, DON'T I?
OH, THERE IS
MORE TO SEE.
OH, REALLY?
OH, THAT'S RIGHT.
THAT'S RIGHT.
ALL RIGHT, SO I SHOULD
PLAY WITH THIS
BECAUSE REALLY
WHAT YOU ARE
IS SOME LITTLE ACORN
IN MY STOMACH
THAT I ATE FROM
SOME DAMN DOUGHNUT.
SORT OF, YES.
AND THERE'S 3 OF YOU?
IS THERE A PAST,
PRESENT, AND FUTURE?
YES.
OH, I SEE. OK.
SO AT THE END,
YOU'RE GOING TO SHOW ME
HOW GOOD A PERSON
I CAN BE,
AND IN THE BEGINNING,
YOU'RE GOING TO SHOW ME
WHAT A SAD LITTLE GIRL
I WAS, AREN'T YOU?
YOU'RE GOING
TO TAKE ME BACK
AND SHOW ME
THE LITTLE HARRIE WHO USED TO SIT AROUND
AND WAIT FOR PEOPLE
TO COME AND PLAY WITH HER
AND WAIT FOR MAIL
FROM HER MOTHER,
AND NOBODY EVER WROTE.
YOU GOING TO SIT AROUND,
YOU GOING TO EXPLAIN
THAT TO ME?
I UNDERSTAND.
I'VE BEEN WAITING
FOR THAT.
REALLY?
YEAH.
WHERE WERE YOU?
WHERE WERE YOU
WHEN I NEEDED YOU?
WHEN I WAS LITTLE?
I WAS THERE.
OH, YEAH?
YEAH.
RIGHT.
RIGHT.
THIS LITTLE BOY
DOESN'T EVEN LIKE ME.
OH, YEAH?
NO.
HE WOULD LIKE
THE HARRIET I SEE.
THE TRUE HARRIET.
LA VRAIE.
THE ONE
WHO IS GENTLE.
NOT AFRAID TO PLAY.
NOT AFRAID TO LOVE.
NOT AFRAID TO TRUST.
THE REAL HARRIE WOULD DANCE...
WITH A CLUMSY
FRENCHMAN...
IF HE ASKED HER?
[DANCING IN THE DARK
PLAYING]
[DANCE MUSIC
WITH LATIN RHYTHM PLAYING]
[APPLAUSE]
[MUSIC CHANGES
TO JAZZ RHYTHM]
[THE CONTINENTAL PLAYING]
[BOGUS SINGING IN FRENCH]
[MUSIC CHANGES
TO POLKA RHYTHM]
[APPLAUSE]
[LAUGHING]
Bogus: IT'S TIME
TO BRING ALBERT BACK.
TELL HIM YOU SEE ME.
Harriet: ALBERT?
HEY, ALBERT?
I SAW HIM.
ALBERT?
ALBERT!
ALBERT!
ALBERT!
GOD.
ALBERT.
I'M COMING, BOY.
ALBERT? ALBERT.
ALBERT?
COME ON,
TAKE MY HAND.
COME ON.
Lorraine: ALBERT?
GO TO HARRIET.
COME ON, ALBERT.
I'M RIGHT HERE.
UGH!
ALBERT!
[GRUNTING]
Lorraine:
YOU CAN DO IT.
GO ON.
Harriet:
THAT'S RIGHT.
THAT'S IT.
GO ON, ALBERT.
TAKE HER HAND.
REACH.
COME ON.
TAKE HER HAND.
YOU CAN DO IT.
TAKE MY HAND.
YOU CAN DO IT, ALBERT.
COME ON, ONE MORE STEP.
COME ON.
[GRUNTS]
DON'T BE SCARED.
COME ON. YEAH.
ALL RIGHT, I GOT YOU.
COME ON, GIVE ME
YOUR OTHER HAND.
OH, ALL RIGHT.
YEAH. YEAH.
OH, GOD.
OH, MY GOD.
OH.
OH.
OH.
OH.
[SOBBING]
OH.
LISTEN, THE NEX TIME YOU DECIDE
TO RUN AWAY,
DO IT ON
THE GROUND, OK?
I DON'T WAN TO RUN AWAY.
GOOD.
'CAUSE I DON' WANT YOU TO.
TELL HIM
YOU WANT HIM HERE.
I WANT YOU HERE.
I NEED YOU.
I REALLY NEED YOU.
TELL HER
YOU NEED HER, TOO.
I NEED YOU, TOO.
GOOD.
'CAUSE I WANT TO
TRY TO MAKE US
INTO A FAMILY, OK?
TELL HER
YOU WANT THAT, TOO.
ME, TOO.
Bogus: I'LL TRY TO BE
A GOOD MOTHER.
THAT'S PUSHING IT.
I'LL TRY.
YOU HUNGRY?
UH-HUH.
GOOD.
AND NOW THE SOUP.
COME ON.
Harriet: YOU KNOW,
YOUR MOM DID THIS
TO ME ONCE.
Albert: MY MOM RAN AWAY?
Harriet: YEAH. SHE USED
TO RUN AWAY ALL THE TIME.
Albert: REALLY?
COME ON, ALBERT.
LET'S GO.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
YOU CAN'T RUN
THROUGH A GRAVEYARD.
STOP, BOY, STOP!
POW!
GOT YOU.
I TRIED TO BE NICE,
ALBERT, BUT YOU
WOULDN'T LISTEN.
[ALBERT MAKES
SHOOTING SOUNDS]
GOT YOU.
OH. I THINK YOU GOT ME
THROUGH THE HEART.
Albert: THAT WAS
A GOOD ONE, HARRIET!
ALBERT, SLOW DOWN!
Albert:
COME ON, HARRIET!
AU REVOIR.
WELL, IT'S FUNNY.
WHEN THEY NEED US,
WE ARE THERE.
BIG "HELLO,"
BIG "LET'S BE FRIENDS
THAT NEVER PARTS
FOREVER AND FOREVER."
BUT WHEN IT'S DONE...
POOF! WE DISAPPEAR.
THEY NEVER SAY GOOD-BYE.
THEY NEVER SEE US GO.
OH, SOMETIMES
THEY REMEMBER US...LATER.
MAYBE NOT.
BUT...I CANNOT COMPLAIN.
IT'S MY JOB, YOU KNOW.
[SOUND OF JET OVERHEAD]
WHOO!
OH, BY THE WAY...
IF YOU NEED ME,
I AM AVAILABLE, HMM?
ANYONE CAN SEE
WE'RE GOOD TOGETHER
WE'RE A PERFECT MATCH
EVERYTHING WE DO,
WE DO TOGETHER
WHEN YOU ITCH,
I SCRATCH
YOU KNOW WHAT'S MINE
IS YOURS
IN RICHES OR IN RAGS
YOU HAVE MY GUARANTEE
AND IF YOU TAKE A TRIP
WHO'S CARRYING YOUR BAGS?
YOU'LL SEE
IT'S ME
AND WHEN IT COMES
TO TRIED AND TRUE COMPANIONS
WE'RE THE BEST OF ALL
NOTHING IN THE WORLD
CAN SEPARATE US
WHEN YOU SLIP,
I FALL
WHAT WOULD WE DO
WITHOUT EACH OTHER
OH, WHEN YOU SLEEP,
I SNORE
AND THAT'S EXACTLY WHAT THE
BEST OF FRIENDS ARE FOR...
...WE'RE A GREAT DUET
MASTERS OF THE ANCIEN ART OF TEAMWORK
WHEN YOU'RE HOT,
I SWEAT
YOU READ ME LIKE A BOOK
I KNOW
WHAT MAKES YOU TICK
WE'RE SOUL MATES
THROUGH AND THROUGH
NO MATTER WHERE YOU GO
I PROMISE THA I'LL STICK LIKE GLUE
TO YOU
YOU'RE LOOKIN' AT A PAIR
OF KINDRED SPIRITS
ONLY WAY TO FLY
PARTNERS WHO WILL
ALWAYS HELP EACH OTHER
WHEN YOU WASH,
I DRY
KNOW THAT WE CAN'T DO
WITHOUT US
NOW AND FOREVERMORE
AND THAT'S WHAT THE VERY BES OF FRIENDS ARE FOR...
LOOKIN' AT A PAIR
OF KINDRED SPIRITS
ONLY WAY TO FLY
PARTNERS WHO WILL
ALWAYS HELP EACH OTHER
WHEN YOU WASH,
I DRY
WE KNOW THAT WE CAN'T DO
WITHOUT US
NOW AND FOREVERMORE
AND NO MATTER WHA THE JOURNEY'S ENDS ARE
HOW DIFFICUL THE RIVER'S BENDS ARE
THAT'S WHAT THE VERY BES OF FRIENDS ARE FOR
FRIENDS WILL
LOAN YOU MONEY
YEAH, AND MAKE YOUR
LITTLE DARK TIMES SUNNY
THEY SURE WILL
THAT'S WHAT THE VERY BES OF FRIENDS ARE FOR
YEAH
THEY AIN'T GONNA LEAVE YOU
ON NO SINKIN' SHIP
THAT'S THE THING
ABOUT FRIENDSHIP
MMM