Your Ladyship, please.
Douglas?
The door, Thomas.
Is...
...everybody here, I presume?
- Yes, sir.
- Everyone except the heir from America.
- Oh, well, no need to wait for him.
I was notified of his arrival in town
today, but I've no faith in it.
So we'll proceed
to the business on hand.
To wit, the reading of the will
of the late Angus lan McLaurel...
...a kindly master, a friendly friend...
...and a loyal Scot
whom everybody respected.
- God rest his soul.
- Amen.
If you don't mind, I'll omit the legal
phraseology, get down to the bequests.
Aye.
"First, I bequeath to my grandson
in America, Stanley McLaurel...
...whom I've never seen, a..."
Laddie, what do you make
that out to be?
Could you tell us where
we could find a policeman?
You'll have to pardon my friend, officer,
he's a stranger here.
I wonder if you could direct us
to the best hotel in your fair city.
- Right over there, sir.
- Thank you.
Thank you.
No, nothing today.
Good day, madam. We'd like for you
to give us a room and a bath, please.
I can give you the room,
but you'll have to take the bath yourself.
- By the day or the week?
- You'd better make it by the day.
You see, my friend Mr. McLaurel
is heir to the McLaurel estate...
...and we're moving in there shortly.
- Is that a fact?
Oh, I can see the likeness now.
- Did you know the old gentleman?
- Known him for nigh on to 40 years.
'Twas a sad ending he had.
- What did he die of?
- He died of a broken heart.
You see, he had a no-good son
by the name of Sandy...
...who ran away to America
and married a queen.
- Royalty?
- "Royalty." No, a burlesque queen.
One of those play-actors.
And the old man never forgave him.
- Well, what became of Sandy?
- They had a wee baby boy.
And when Sandy saw the baby
for the first time...
...he committed suicide.
Can you beat that?
What a face that kid must have had.
Sandy was your father.
And I don't blame him.
- Will you show us to our room, please?
- Upstairs, and the first door to the left.
Thank you.
Come on.
Oh, my goodness!
"Therefore, the residue of my estate,
real and personal...
...I do bequeath to my granddaughter,
Lorna McLaurel."
Isn't that wonderful?
"I make the above bequest
to my granddaughter...
...providing she accedes
to my wishes, to wit:
I do appoint Colonel Gregor McGregor...
...at present serving
with His Majesty's forces in India...
...to be the sole guardian
of her estate and person...
...until she shall reach the age of 21."
Well, congratulations, my dear.
The proviso is not so bad.
You'll like my brother, I'm sure.
- Your brother?
- Oh, of course, I forgot.
This is all a surprise to you.
Colonel McGregor is my brother.
And he sent me over here
to fetch you out to India.
India? You mean,
I must really leave Scotland?
Why, it's always been my home
and I love it.
There's nothing to get upset about.
We'll talk about this another time.
When you're over the shock of finding
yourself one of Scotland's richest girls.
Yes. But I'm not going to India.
Alan, you heard what they said.
But you'd never let me go so far away,
would you?
Well, l... I...
Or would you? Oh, Alan.
Alan, that's thousands of miles away.
Alan, dear, don't let me go.
Keep me here near you. Please.
- I don't wanna go away.
- There, my dear.
You come along with me
until you can quiet down.
This thing can be settled
without upsetting anybody.
- You'll excuse me, I know. Come along.
- I don't wanna go. Alan!
Oh, Mr. Miggs, what am I gonna do?
There, there, lad,
everything will be all right.
And now, I thank you
for your gracious attention.
That's all.
There's no hurry.
You'll get what's coming to you.
I'm Mr. Hardy.
This is my friend Mr. McLaurel.
- I believe we're expected.
- Oh, yes, sir. Step right in, sir.
Just a moment, gentlemen,
and I'll announce you.
Thank you.
- Nice fellow, isn't he?
- Charming. I think I'll retain his services.
That's a good idea.
He sure can "buttle."
- Oh. By the way... Mr. Miggs.
- Yes, Mrs. Bunts?
The next time you drop down to Glasgow,
you must come up and see me sometime.
- Thank you.
- That's Mae West.
- Mr. Miggs will see you. Follow me.
- Thank you.
- Right this way, sir.
- Yes, sir.
- Order the gig and wait for me.
- Yes, sir.
- Now, gentlemen.
- How do you do, Mr. Miggs.
I'm Mr. Hardy.
This is my friend Mr. McLaurel.
- I'm glad to meet you. Take a chair.
- Thank you.
And now, Mr. McLaurel,
I'd like to see your credentials.
I beg your pardon, Mr. Miggs,
I didn't get you.
I asked Mr. McLaurel
if he had any credentials.
- Just what do you mean, Mr. Miggs?
- Something to identify himself with.
To prove that he is Stanley McLaurel.
For instance, a passport.
I'm sorry, sir, but we haven't one.
- What? No passport?
- No, sir. You see, it was like this:
We were in such a hurry to get away,
we forgot to get one.
- Well, how did you get into the country?
- We stowed away on a cattle boat.
The roughest trip I ever...
Oh, well, if you can't prove who you are,
there's nothing to be done.
I wonder if these would do, Mr. Miggs.
- Right there, sir.
- Yes.
Oh, I'm sorry. My mistake.
That's the one.
- Is that you?
- Yes. That was taken three years ago.
You can see I wasn't feeling very good.
- See, my left...
- Well, it's proof enough.
- Like father, like son.
- That's fine. Now that's all settled...
...could we get down to business?
- Yes.
"Know all men by these present,
that I, Angus lan McLaurel...
...being of sound mind and..."
- Pardon me, Mr. Miggs.
- Is it necessary to read that?
- Well, no.
Well, let's skip it and get down
to what we're going to get.
"First, I do bequeath to my grandson,
Stanley McLaurel...
...whom I've never seen,
two of my most cherished possessions...
...with the hope that he'll preserve them
and hand them down...
...from generation to generation."
You're a very lucky man,
Mr. McLaurel...
...and you'll be the envy
of many a true Scot.
Look at that.
Blown at Waterloo,
sounding the charge at Balaklava...
...whistling defiance at Mafeking...
...and the praise of victory at Mons.
And last but not least, this snuff box.
Presented for valor
by Mary Queen of Scots...
...to your great-great-great-great-
great-great-grandfather.
And a grand man he was.
- Is this all we get?
- That's all, sir.
And I wish you a very pleasant voyage
back to America.
Thomas, show these gentlemen
to the door...
...and tell Lady Ormsby I'd like to speak
to her at her convenience.
Yes, sir. This way, gentlemen.
Good day, gentlemen.
There we are.
- Well, here I am. At your service.
- Oh, thank you, Your Ladyship.
You know, I'm anxious
to have this affair settled.
Here's the probate of the will and the
term of the colonel's trusteeship...
...duly signed, sealed and now delivered.
Thank you, Mr. Miggs.
I'll see that my brother gets them safely.
I shall mention your efficient handling of
the whole affair. You can depend on that.
I'm worried about the lassie.
This romance with my clerk
is more serious than I suspected.
She's got a mind of her own.
And if she decides not to go...
...it will be ruinous for her.
- Of course it would be.
Oh, this love affair, or romance
as you call it, doesn't mean anything.
- Love affairs at that age never do.
- You may be right...
...but I don't like the job
of forcing her to go away.
You won't have to.
The boy will do that.
He seems a reasonable,
manly sort of chap.
I know. You send him to me
and I'll see what can be done.
Oh, I'll do that at once, Your Ladyship.
And thank you again.
Oh, it takes a woman to handle
the affairs of the heart.
I'll say goodbye to you for the present
and thank you for your gracious help.
- Goodbye, Mr. Miggs.
- I'll send the boy to you at once.
Well, here's another nice mess
you've gotten me into.
All the way from America
on a cattle boat...
...for this...
...Mr. McLaurel.
That isn't the way to use that.
Dry these.
Mr. McLaurel.
Mind your own business.
Blown at Waterloo.
What do you think
we'd better do, Ollie?
I expected that.
Every time you get us into a mess...
...you come to me expecting me
to get us out of it.
Well, it wasn't my fault.
What do you mean,
it wasn't your fault?
If you hadn't been so money-mad,
we wouldn't be here.
There we were,
comfortably settled in jail...
...with one more week to serve.
And you had to talk me
into breaking out...
...just to come on this wild-goose chase
of yours.
Well, I guess we'll have to stow
our way back home again.
Go to the jail and tell the warden we're
sorry for the trouble we put him to...
...and maybe we'll get our old cell back.
- Be more comfortable to be there than...
- Why, if we went back there...
...that warden would give us life.
For escaping.
Well, we could go to another jail
where the warden didn't know us.
Serve our week
and nobody would be any the wiser.
Pay our debt to society and then
we wouldn't have to worry a bit...
Why, if we went to any jail
in that state...
...the warden would give us life.
In fact, he'd hang us.
We could go to another state.
You know what we could do?
We could go way, way out west...
...where they'd never find us.
Out west where?
Oh, Philadelphia, Jersey Ci...
Any of those places where
they have no exposition laws.
What do you mean,
"no exposition laws"?
Well, if the police found out
where we were...
...they could come and get us
if we didn't want them to...
If we... If they knew.
That's a very, very, very good idea.
Just as soon as my pants are dry,
we'll formulate...
...our plans.
Step aside.
That's the only pair of pants
I've got in the world.
Alan!
Come, lass. Come, lass.
Now, hurry, hurry, hurry.
I don't want to. Alan!
- Good morning, Mr. McLaurel.
- Good morning, Mrs. Bickerdike.
Where is Mr. Hardy? I haven't seen him
in the past three weeks.
- Oh, he's awful sick.
- Is that a fact?
Hoot, ma'am. You know, the day he fell
in the water, he got an awful cold...
...and it turned into pneumatics.
- Is he very sick?
- You're darn hooting he's sick.
The only thing he can keep on
his stomach is a hot-water bottle.
- My, my, what a predicament.
- Yeah, I think he's got that too.
Well, give him my respects.
- I surely will.
- And also give him this.
It's the bill for three weeks' rent.
I'm getting very impatient waiting
for this estate to get cleared up.
We were talking about that
this morning. I'll see...
- Who's there?
- It's me.
- Come in.
- Are you dressed?
Come in.
Where have you been?
The landlady gave me this.
It's the bill for three weeks' rent.
There are more important things
than this. Did you get me any pants?
- No, but I got something to eat.
- What?
- Where'd you get it?
- I traded our overcoats for it.
That's just like you. Thinking
of your stomach before my pride.
How are you going to cook it?
- I never thought of that.
- No, you wouldn't.
Once again, I have to come
to your rescue...
...and be the mother of invention.
What you going to do?
I'm going to cook the fish...
...over the candle.
I've got an idea that's better
than your mother's invention.
- What?
- Hold this and I'll show you.
A grill.
Put the candle under there
and we can cook the fish on top.
Why, that's exactly
what I intended to do.
Now, give me the fish.
You watch the fish
and see that it doesn't burn.
How does it look?
Never looked better in all its life.
Well, bring it over
because I'm as hungry as a hunter.
Where's the rest of it?
It "shrizzled."
Well, I'm glad you didn't bring
a sardine.
What's going on here?
- Mr. Hardy just had a relapse.
- A relapse?
He's awful sick.
What are you doing?!
Put it out! Put it out! Put it out!
Do something!
Well, do something!
This has gone far enough!
Rent or no rent, get out of my house!
You... You foreigners!
- He can't go out. He hasn't got pants.
- Come on!
Pack up your things and get out!
Get out of my house! Oh, no, you don't!
I'll hold these till you settle up.
- What are you laughing at?
- Why shouldn't I laugh?
Here am I, Oliver Norvell Hardy...
...a man without a home.
A man without a country.
A man without any pants!
- Well, I don't see anything to laugh at.
- Neither do I!
- Isn't that swell?
- Why, that's wonderful.
- What does it say?
- Says we can get a new suit of clothes...
...for nothing. Come on.
- Didn't you hear me say to come on?
- Yeah, but you didn't say which way.
I thought you...
- How do you do, sir?
- How do you do, gentlemen?
What can I do for you?
Why, we read your advertisement
and we've come to accept your offer.
Yeah, we'd like to get measured
right away.
Aye. Well, if you'll just sign your name
to the bottom of that.
Yes, sir.
Now, if you'll follow me, please.
Major, here's a couple
of new customers. Fix them up.
Thank you very much
for your courtesy, sir.
Come here.
Here's the king's shilling.
What's this for?
That's to bind the bargain.
You're now in His Majesty's service.
- What do you mean?
- You're in the army.
What's that got to do with this?
Oh, that's the tailor shop upstairs.
I'm afraid there's been a slight mistake.
We came here to be measured
for a suit of clothes.
Well, don't worry. We'll give you
a suit of clothes you'll be proud of.
- Sergeant.
- Yes, sir?
Have the medical officer thump them
over and take them to the barracks.
Aye. You come along with me.
Come along now, you hear?
Do you think they're kidding?
Why, certainly they're kidding.
They're having the time of their lives.
- Well, let's tell them we're wise to them.
- You heard what the man said.
We're in the army.
Well, I didn't know. I thought
we're coming up to get some clothes...
Now, this is the third deed
you've spoilt in a week.
I want to assist you,
but for the last three months...
...you've not been worth your salt.
Oh, l... I know, Mr. Miggs, but I...
l...
That's the postman.
A brisk morning, Mr. Douglas.
- Good morning, Mr. Miggs.
- Good morning.
Wait. Are you sure that's all?
There isn't one for me?
Sorry, lad, but that's all.
Sorry, sir.
- Ollie.
- What?
Do you feel a draft?
After what I've gone through,
nothing matters.
Come in.
Good morning, Mr. Miggs.
- What ye doing? You're all dressed up.
- We're in the army. How do we look?
God save the king.
I wonder if we could ask
a favor of you, Mr. Miggs.
Well, that depends. What is it?
You see, sir, we're leaving town.
And if any mail should come for us...
...will you forward it to that address?
- Well, I might do that.
"Private McLaurel. Private Hardy.
Third Battalion,
Caledonia Highlanders, Pellore...
...Northwest Frontier Province, India."
India.
Well, that's a coincidence.
That's the station commanded
by Colonel McGregor.
If you see Lady Ormsby
or Miss Lorna McLaurel...
...will you give them my regards?
- We certainly will.
- Thank you.
- Goodbye, Mr. Miggs.
- Goodbye.
- Goodbye, Alan.
- Goodbye, Mr. Miggs.
- Goodbye.
- Goodbye, Ollie.
- Goodbye, Stanley.
Goodbye, Alan.
Well, wait. Wait!
I've found a way out, Mr. Miggs.
Oh, I appreciate everything you've done,
but this means more to me than my life.
- Will you release me?
- I'll not stand in your way, laddie.
- Oh, thank you, sir.
- But where are you going?
- I'm going to Lorna. To India.
- To India?
My, my.
The wonders of youth.
India.
Cool them off slowly.
They've had a run.
- Happy?
- Oh, yes, Greg. The ride was glorious.
- Am I improving?
- I would say you were perfect.
- Oh, Greg, I'm afraid you're prejudiced.
- Right.
Of all the selfish people...
If it means anything to you two,
I've been waiting here for over an hour.
One must admire Vi Ormsby's skill.
She's managed the whole affair.
It's a positive godsend
for Colonel McGregor.
It hasn't been easy
with nothing but his pay.
- Has the girl money?
- Oodles of it, my dear.
Comes into one of the richest estates
in Scotland when she becomes 21.
- The colonel handles it till then.
- Oh, now I understand.
- lf he marries, he'll...
- "lf"? My dear, it's as good as settled.
Vi is clever, deucedly clever.
We'd just ridden down by the river...
- Beg pardon, sir.
- What is it?
General Fletcher's compliments.
Wishes to see you.
- All right, corporal. I'll be over.
- Very good, sir.
I'll be back as soon as I can.
You should be very proud of your
brother, Vi. He's such a good soldier.
But I am very proud of him.
He's too much of a soldier.
I wish he'd forget orders, routines and
commands and think more of himself.
- He seems well satisfied.
- That's just it. He's too well satisfied.
Content to settle down here
and get nothing personal out of life.
He lives too much unto himself.
You know, what he needs is a wife.
Well, are you suggesting
we pick one for him?
Listen, Lorna, let's stop fencing.
You know very well what I'm getting at.
Greg adores you and wants you to
be his wife. Why don't you marry him?
Greg's a dear, Vi. I do like him.
Love him in a way.
But I've never thought of him
as a husband. Really, I haven't.
You see...
...most of my heart's
been in Scotland. Alan.
Oh, stop it, Lorna. We promised never
to speak of that again.
The boy that's never written to you,
never thought about you.
Don't be so silly.
Maybe you're right. I am silly.
I'll forget it. I have to.
We'll live only in the future.
- And Greg?
- Perhaps...
...and Greg.
- Oh, splendid, darling.
Right away. Hurry up. This way.
Everything's ready.
Everything's... Everything...
What are you two holding up
this line for? Come on!
Get off!
Ready!
Forward...
...march!
I had to see you personally.
- Then it's serious.
- Very.
- Trouble with Khan Mir Jutra.
- That fellow again?
Yet I wish I could meet him and
have my way. I'd teach him a lesson.
Well, it's because you've
never met him that I'm here.
I'm sending you to Fort Rannu.
Oh, yes, yes. l... I know it's a nuisance,
but the fellow's dangerous.
There's only three officers
and a handful of men there.
If he goes mad and kicks over the traces,
they'll be butchered like sheep.
Take whatever force you think adequate
and move up to Rannu.
- At once, sir?
- Oh, Monday will do.
Soothe Jutra's feelings, if possible...
...but if he won't listen to reason,
let him have it as hard as you can.
- Right?
- Right, sir.
The new draft is nearly here, sir.
- I'll be on the parade ground in moments.
- Very good, sir.
Company, halt!
Right turn!
Orders up!
Attention!
Platoon, hut!
Present, hut!
Stand them at ease, please.
Stand at ease.
Stand at ease.
As your commanding officer...
...I welcome you to India.
- Do you care to say a few words, sir?
- Yes.
Now, I want to impress
upon you men two facts:
First, that the most important thing with
which you'll have to contend is the sun.
Sunstroke can kill a man just as surely,
just as swiftly as a native bullet.
And second, you've got to remember
that India is truly a land of mystery.
With a great deal that even to us
old campaigners is strange...
...and difficult of explanation.
You'll therefore have to take on trust...
...many things which may appear to you
not only unreasonable...
...but at times...
...absolutely impossible.
That's all I have to say,
Colonel McGregor.
- Dismiss the parade.
- Sir.
Company, attention!
Dismissed!
- See you later.
- All right, Alan.
- Goodbye.
- Goodbye.
I wonder where
we get the key to our room.
I don't know. I'll find out.
Oh, sergeant.
- What is it?
- Where do we get the key for our room?
Yeah, we'd like to take a bath.
We're all worn out. Aren't we?
What do you think this is? Get to
the barracks before I lose my temper.
- Come on! Get out of here.
- All we want is a room.
A room and bath.
Come on, boys, clear out.
- Alan.
- Yes?
You going to see Lorna?
- Say, Ollie.
- What?
What was that the general was trying
to tell us that he didn't know himself?
You know, about the mysteries
or something.
I don't know. Ask old leatherpuss.
- Who?
- Leatherpuss.
Sergeant Leatherpuss.
- Are you speaking to me?
- Yes, sir.
Who informed you
my name was Leatherpuss?
He did.
My name is Sergeant Finlayson to you
from now on. Now, what do you want?
I was trying to find out
what the general meant...
...when he said about the mysteries...
- A couple of newies, boys.
Not dry behind the ears yet.
- Explain to them what the general meant.
- We'll take care of that.
"Leatherpuss."
I'll remember that.
You tattletale.
"Leatherpuss."
- Why don't you look where you're going!
- I'm sorry, sergeant. I didn't see you.
Hey. Did you see that?
That was one of the things
the general was talking about.
That was one of them mirages.
You know what a mirage is, don't you?
A mirage is something
that you see that isn't there...
...or something that is there,
but you can't see it.
I had one happen to me
just about an hour ago.
On the parade ground, it was.
A fellow comes up to me and he says:
"Look, Danny," says he.
"Here comes the new draft."
"Where?" says I.
"Through the gate," says he.
And I looks up...
...and do you know what?
I couldn't see a blooming thing.
I understand perfectly.
Thanks for tipping us off.
You understand
what they were talking about?
Why, certainly.
Sounds screwy to me.
Why, there's nothing screwy about it.
You heard what the gentleman said.
A mirage is something you see
that isn't there.
Or something that isn't there
that you don't see.
For instance:
There it is.
There it isn't.
Now, it's still there,
but you can't see it.
That's a mirage.
Gee, I'm dumb today.
Today?
Hey.
So you still don't believe it, huh?
All right, I'll prove to you that
there is such a thing as a mirage.
- Where's my accordion?
- In there.
Ladies and gentlemen...
...I have never had
a greater privilege...
...than announcing to you
the engagement of a young lady...
...from bonnie Scotland
whom we've all learned to love:
Miss Lorna McLaurel.
And now to tell you the name
of the lucky man.
It is my old friend and brother officer,
Colonel Gregor McGregor.
Now, let's drink to their long life,
health and happiness.
Lorna. Greg.
You can't do that to me.
You can't.
- Steady.
- Let me go.
Man, are you crazy?
What the devil are you doing here?
You don't understand. Let me go.
Now, another move out of you, and
it'll be guardroom for you, young fellow.
I don't care. Let me go, will you?
Attention.
Take him out.
Oh, Greg. What do you suppose
has happened?
Touch of the sun, I imagine.
Probably one of the new drafts.
Poor fellow.
Don't keep doing that.
- You look just like a grasshopper.
- Well, I was...
Now if you're gonna walk with me,
you've got to keep in step.
Now, go back and get in step.
Go on. Get back.
- Now, that's better. Come on.
- Hey.
Your pal Douglas wants to see you
right away. Says it's important.
- Where is he?
- He's in the cooler, that's where he is.
- I wonder what he's doing in the cooler.
- I don't blame him. This hot weather.
- I wouldn't mind...
- He's not in there for his health.
He's in trouble. Come on.
Will you get in step?
Try it backwards.
Now, left, left, left.
All right, let's go.
Now you've got it. Fine.
Hey, Alan.
- Hello, fellas.
- What happened?
- I don't know. I kind of lost my head.
- Lost your head?
You didn't lose your head.
It's still there but you can't see it.
- It's one of those things...
- Will you shut up?
- How long you in for?
- They're gonna let me out in a few hours.
- Will you do me a favor?
- Why, certainly.
You're the only ones I can trust.
Try and find Lorna and give her this note
as soon as you can.
It's very important.
- We certainly will. Won't we, Stanley?
- We sure will.
- Won't we?
- We cer... Come on, go on.
- Ollie.
- What?
Don't let anyone know about it,
will you?
- Nobody must get that note but Lorna.
- Mum's the word.
- What?
- Mum's the word.
- Goodbye, Alan.
- Goodbye.
You two run along.
I want to talk to Millie.
She's getting beyond me. Millie.
Her Ladyship. Quick, hide.
I'll lose me job.
Quick, in the cupboard. Right there.
Yes, milady. Coming, milady.
Millie.
- Did you call me, Your Ladyship?
- You know I called you.
We're going to watch the polo.
We'll have dinner promptly at 7.
- Yes, milady. Dinner promptly at 7.
- Wait a minute.
Let me impress on you once again:
No entertaining while we're out.
- Milady, I wouldn't think of such a thing.
- Well, I'm warning you.
The colonel may be back any minute.
If he catches you, it's back to England.
- Yes, milady.
- Very well.
Ain't she the high and mighty one.
Denying a little girl a bit of sparking.
- Has she gone?
- Yes, thank goodness.
I thought for a minute the game was up.
She didn't half tell me off.
I heard her.
I was a wee bit afraid myself.
It's a wonder
you didn't hear my knees knocking.
Oh, Millie, l...
I warned you. Pack your things. You're
leaving by the first boat for England.
Give me another chance.
I'll try to do better the next time.
No. I've finished with you.
Well, cast me over the hurdles.
I'll get even with you
if it's the last thing I do.
I beg your pardon, sir, but could you
tell us were we could find Miss Lorna?
- What do you want with Miss McLaurel?
- He's got a note for her.
- You have a note for my ward?
- No, sir.
Why you...
Alan gave it to you in the cell...
Look here, have you a note
or haven't you?
- Yes, sir.
- Give it to me.
You lied to me.
Report at once to Sergeant Finlayson.
As for you, my man,
your actions are commendable.
- You fixed me up pretty, didn't you?
- Well, you shouldn't tell a lie.
The first time that you tell a lie,
it serves you...
- Who did that?
- He did.
- I did nothing...
- Report to Sergeant Finlayson at once.
- You see that he gets there.
- I did nothing of...
- Yes, sir. Thank you.
- I did nothing. I didn't kick...
Vi, who's Alan Douglas?
- Do you know him?
- Alan Douglas?
Why, yes, slightly.
I met him in Scotland.
He's a raw, uncouth sort of boy
who works for Miggs.
- But why all this interest?
- He's here in India.
A private in the regiment.
Oh, but, Greg, you are a simpleton.
This is all so plain to me.
Just a case of puppy love in Scotland.
You know, promises of undying affection
and all that sort of thing.
Then Lorna inherited this money and the
boy thought he might as well be in on it.
Most people would do anything
for L200,000.
Oh, Greg, tear up this note and forget it.
Lorna's told me time and time again
she's forgotten all about this boy.
She loves you
and she's promised to marry you.
- Oh, don't risk a scene.
- It won't do, Vi.
Sooner or later
they're bound to meet.
We'd better get it over with.
- You're not going to give it to her?
- I haven't quite made up my mind yet.
Vi, not a word to Lorna about this.
I want to think this out for myself.
For once.
Greg, you've got to cheer up. The next
thing you know, there will be gossip.
Walla.
What are you going to do?
Miss McLaurel is dancing.
Take this note to her, but don't tell her
where it comes from.
Understand?
Oh, Greg, you fool.
You're risking your own happiness.
I'm thinking of Lorna now.
Pardon me.
- Bad news?
- Oh, no, general.
Wonderful news.
Lorna. Lorna!
Alan.
Yes. Alan. Look at me.
Didn't expect me, did you?
Thought I was thousands of miles away
crying my heart out.
Well, I fooled you. I'm here.
Private Douglas, come to pay
his respects to the colonel's lady.
- Why, you're mad. I won't listen to you.
- Yes, you will.
- But I can explain.
- I've seen and heard enough myself.
The money's gone to your head.
I was fool enough to believe you
because I had faith...
...trusted you when
you were laughing at me.
- Oh, stop it! Stop it!
- I won't stop it.
It isn't true. You must listen to me.
You don't know what you're saying.
You don't understand.
My only wish is that I never see
or hear of you again.
A strong force, Khan Sahib.
Much stronger than I expected.
This calls for strategy.
How are you, Corbett?
Glad to see you.
We're very glad to see you, colonel.
We've been sitting on a powder barrel
for two weeks.
Enough has happened
to make my small force very jumpy.
- We're all glad you're here.
- Thank you.
Dismiss the men.
They need a good rest.
Then call the officers
to the orderly room.
- We'll go to work.
- Sir.
Vi, you knew Alan was here
and didn't tell me. Why? Why?
Come in.
I'll come back, Miss Lorna,
when you're not so busy.
- That's all right, Millie, come in.
- I didn't want to bother you, miss...
...but I'd like to have a few words
with you personally before leaving.
Leaving? What do you mean?
She didn't tell you?
I suspected as much.
We'll, Her Ladyship has discharged me
and I'm on me way to England.
But you've been awfully kind to me,
and it would be hard on me conscience...
...if I didn't tell you something
you ought to know.
- Millie, leave the room at once.
- Not until I've had my say.
- How dare you? Leave the room.
- Wait, Vi.
- What is it, Millie?
- Well, Miss Lorna...
...you've wondered why you haven't
heard from your friend in Scotland.
I'll tell you why. She's been taking
your letters, every one of them.
But, Lorna, you can't believe
such a ridiculous story.
- The woman's mad.
- Yes, Your Ladyship, mad.
But you thought you destroyed those
letters, didn't you? Well, you didn't.
Because I fished them out of
the fire coals and here they are.
Now, Your Ladyship,
put that in your pipe and smoke it.
His letters. My letters.
I understand it all now.
But, Lorna, I did it for your good.
- I thought you'd be happy...
- Oh, never mind.
I'm glad I found out
before I ruined Greg's life too.
But it isn't too late.
I'll go to Alan and tell him everything.
But, Lorna, you can't.
He's at Fort Rannu.
This has just arrived, sir.
The messenger's at the gate
and demands an immediate answer.
Well, gentlemen...
...I hope you have no other
social engagement this afternoon.
We are dining with Mir Jutra.
- This afternoon, sir?
- It won't be so bad.
I tell you what. We'll put on our best bib
and tucker and make an impression.
- Eh, Corbett?
- A very good idea, sir.
Gentlemen, get ready.
You fellows got nothing else to do?
Get out of here.
Do that again.
Show me that again.
Hey! Come here!
I thought I told you to clean
this place up.
Well, he told me not to pay any attention
to what you said.
Who's running this army?
You or me?
Right. Now get to work! And don't
let me see a speck when I get back.
"Leatherpuss."
Now do it.
Come on, boys.
We'll try number four again.
And for any favor, put some life into it.
- Where did you get this fellow?
- We caught this man mining the gate.
Who sent you?
- Quiet, quiet.
- Quiet.
We made him talk, sir.
We found out everything.
Take him away. Keep him under guard.
- See that he communicates with no one.
- Yes, sir.
- What did you find out?
- Mir Jutra plans to attack Rannu...
...as soon as you and your officers
are at his palace.
- Blowing the gate was to be the signal.
- He's asked for it. He shall have it.
Corbett, call for volunteers.
We'll put them in our uniforms and
send them to the palace in our stead.
Then we'll arrange a reception
for Mir Jutra's men here.
- We'll capture every one of the beggars.
- Very good, sir.
But these volunteers,
they're going to almost certain death.
That's the chance we have to take.
The safety of the border depends upon
smashing this madman once and for all.
Douglas, my boy, I'm proud of you
for being the first to volunteer.
It's a dangerous mission we're going on
and we may never come back.
- What matter?
- Hey, hurry up, you two!
We wanna thank you
for inviting us to this lunch.
Yeah, it sure was nice of you.
You're welcome.
Now, get on your horses and let's go.
- Do we have to ride on horses?
- What do you think they're here for?
Well, I never rode a horse in me life.
All you've got to do is to
get on his back. Come on.
- What are you trying to do?
- He told me I had to get on your back.
He means the horse.
The officers have fallen into our trap.
Get them busy on the gate!
I must beat these dogs to the palace.
May be a messenger from Pellore.
Bring him in.
It's Miss McLaurel, sir.
Miss McLaurel here? lmpossible!
Lorna, dear, what on earth
are you doing here?
Greg, I must see Alan Douglas at once.
At once, do you understand?
- What's happened?
- Your sister held up all my letters.
Made me believe Alan had forgotten me.
But he hasn't, Greg. He hasn't.
I must see him and explain everything.
Now. At once. Do you understand? Now.
Orderly. Bring Private Alan Douglas
here at once.
Private Alan Douglas has volunteered
for special duty, sir.
That's all.
Greg, what does he mean?
It means your meeting with Alan
will have to wait.
He's volunteered for a duty
of importance to the service.
- Is there any danger?
- There's always danger here.
I'll make it my job to bring him back
to you safe. We're in for a bit of a fuss.
I want you to remain here in quarters
no matter what happens. You promise?
I promise. Oh, but hurry back.
I'm frightened.
Put a double sentry on this door!
- What are you walking like that for?
- Well, the horse didn't fit me.
Well, straighten up.
You're going to meet royalty.
Salaam, sahib. Colonel McGregor...
...I welcome you and your staff
to my humble home.
Be seated.
Colonel McGregor, would you and
your staff join me in a pipe of friendship?
Why, we certainly will.
Well, cheerio.
Remember, not a shot is to be fired
until you get the word. Carry on.
- Very good, sir.
- Very good, sir.
Throw down your arms and surrender!
Let the festivities proceed.
Would you pass the butter?
Well?
Good.
Very good.
Remove the food.
- What's the idea?
- The time for pleasure is done.
- What do you mean?
- I mean that Fort Rannu is no more.
Your comrades are being wiped out.
And ere the sun sinks...
...your bones will join theirs
and lie bleaching in the desert wastes.
Get the boiling oil. Prepare the rack.
- We'll teach these dogs a lesson.
- You'll not take us without a fight.
Seize him!
There is no escape.
Take those.
- What are these for?
- You are to use those...
...to blow your brains out.
- I never blew my brains out before.
- Take him away.
I don't know what...
I don't know what to do.
- Goodbye, Ollie.
- Goodbye, Stanley. I'll see you later.
- I'll be waiting when you get to heaven.
- Well, how will I know you?
I'll be waiting at the gate. And I'll
have on wings and a harp in me hand.
Well, so will all the rest of the angels.
Well, I'll keep me hat on,
then you'll know me.
Enough! Enough of this nonsense.
Proceed, or I shall change my plans.
- Goodbye.
- Goodbye, Stanley.
Remove the body.
- What happened?
- I missed myself.
Well, I won't miss.
- Khan Sahib! Khan Sahib!
- Speak.
- Allah deserted us.
- What mean you?
Disaster. Colonel McGregor
knew your plans.
He was there and captured
all your warriors to the last man.
Colonel McGregor there?
Then who are you?
Why, I'm Mr. Hardy.
This is my friend, Mr. McLaurel.
We thought we'd come over
and have...
Seize them, men!
One more step and I'll shoot!
Don't point that at me.
There they are. Shoot!