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Boot the Pigeon (2014)
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We won't see that part. Yeah, I just want, that's all I want. Look at each other. Kiss. Hold it. Let's go. Okay. He got a frame like a busted bike He got a face that nobody likes to see Nobody but me He got a thing or two To learn about love He act like he ain't never heard of romance So why'd I give him a chance My baby can dance My baby can dance My baby can swing My baby can shake me slow So I don't need no other thing My baby dance My baby can dance My baby can swing My baby can swing My baby hold me tight enough To drive my cares away My baby can We go out to the joint downtown I dress up and he dress down But it It don't matter one bit 'Cause we got something better than class Who needs love when love don't last that long And all we need is a song And my baby can dance My baby can dance My baby can groove My baby can groove My baby can shut me up So I listen to the music and move My baby can Dance My baby can dance My baby can sway My baby can sway My baby can hold me tight enough To drive my cares away My baby can bop bop bop Dee dee dee Bop da da Da da da ha ha ha Doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo My baby can dance My baby can dance My baby can swing My baby can swing My baby can hold me tight enough To drive my cares away My baby can Dance My baby can dance My baby can swing My baby can swing My baby can shake me slow So I don't need no other thing My baby can dance So let's make it come. Here's to love, laughter, and a happy ever after, cheers. Bottom line, how much is this gonna cost me? We're looking at 29, $3,000? 2999, but you have to act fast, otherwise it'll be 3499. $3500? You can't put a price on love. I guess not, but that's a lot of money. It is, but it guarantees that not only are you serious about finding this special someone, but are female clientele are serious as well. And you don't use any video or photos? Mm, we think that an overreliance on looks interferes with the matchmaking process. Smile. Hmm? For our files, so we can put a face with the name. I haven't agreed to join yet. No one will see it but us. Okay, what about my, uh, my height? Is that gonna be an issue? Oh, you'd be surprised how little that matters to women. $3,000? Ask yourself this question. Can you afford not to join? Yeah, can't I get all this from an internet dating site, - match.com, eHarmony? - Oh, no, no, no, no, no. You never know who you'll meet online. We filter out all the crazies. The personal touch, that's what you want. Now, ah, it says here that you are a videographer. Mostly weddings, but, I mean, there's also the... Weddings. Aren't you tired of videotaping everyone else's wedding? Don't you wanna be on the other side of the camera for a change? Sure, but. Tell you what, I have a client who's getting married. Another one. I want you to videotape their wedding. Don't you need to ask them first? Mm-mm, no, I'm the one who brought them together. They'll do whatever I say. They love me. Do you need to see my reel or, uh, it's on my website. No, that won't be necessary. I can tell you're good. You don't have to thank me. I'll have Brian and Susan issue you a check, and you're under no obligations because I'm doing you this favor. Take the contract with you. The discount is good the entire day. I've got a good feeling about you. I wouldn't be surprised to hear wedding bells in your future. Oh, I love that, guys. That's great. Okay. Have we met somewhere before? That's original. All right, cousins, let's go. Um, so we're gonna get the bride's side on the bride's side. Groom's side on the groom's side. Thank you. Okay. You're sure I don't look familiar? Kip? All right, everyone look over here, please. Kip Siliman? Hey, over here, just. I thought it was you. I don't believe it. It's Jack Rivlin from Stevenson. - Okay, we're just gonna - Oh, right, high school. - Real quick, guys, over here. - What are you doin' here? I'm videotaping the wedding. Are you related to the bride and groom, too? - Beautiful. - I do this for a living. Yeah, right, and we're the florists. Honey, this is Kip. You remember, from my high school yearbook. The class valedictorian. He used to tutor me in chemistry. I actually passed, can you believe it? And then he went to Harvard. Yale. I always wondered what became of high school valedictorians. We do weddings. We already had our 15 minutes of fame. The rest of our lives we spend capturing the highlights for other people. Oh, I wish someone had videoed us closing our new house. It's worth a million bucks, can you believe it? A foreclosure, picked it up for a steal. In case you need any investment tips. I'm more into short sales. Take my card in case you change your mind. Wouldn't that be somethin'? I could tutor you. Have you got a card? Uh. Who would've thought, huh? You were first in the class, a I was like. 397th. Sorry. Forget it. I can track you down through the alumni directory. 15th reunion comin' up. In case we need someone to video. I'm already booked. I'm kidding! You better be there. Wow, how they mighty have fallen. What an ass. I get it all the time. Usually comes from my own family though. He ruined my group shot. - Bye, thanks so much! - Bye, thank you! Thank you so much. Nice couple. Yeah, now they can get on with the happily ever after part. The dating service. You took my picture. I did, are you sure? What a coincidence. What are the odds? Must be kismet. Maybe it means something, our meeting again like this. Maybe it means you're a stalker. N-No, I... Look, it's not that hard to understand. Jennifer got us both this gig. I know you're hoping for some grand cosmic explanation, but stop relying on fate and just let the dating service work its magic, okay? Emily, I'm sorry, but the next taxi won't be available for another two hours. But there's an L stop about two blocks down. Great, thanks. Can I get a ride? How do you not have a car? Fine, if you don't want to, fine. No, no, I'll give you a ride. You wanna drive? It's a Prius. No, thanks. Tired? No, opposite, I get so wired after these shoots. I'm gonna be up for hours. Wanna get some coffee or something? Yeah, caffeine, that's just what I need to relax. We could get decaf. You know, I've never understood the point of decaf. Forget it then. No, no, let's, uh, get some coffee. Do you think there's a Starbucks around here? How 'bout my place? I've got an espresso maker. I don't think so. My mother warned me against going home with strangers. But not against getting into their cars? You've got my whole bio on file. What are you worried about? Yeah, with a mysterious 15-year gap. I'm the one who should be cautious. I left my ax at home. We could pick it up on the way. There's one. Oh, it's got a lawn chair. Wait, what are you doing, what are you doing? What are you doing? I'm removing it. Please don't. Who knows what they'll do to my car when they get back. Coward. Irony is I cleared that spot this afternoon. Oh, what the? Oh, no, you've been robbed. Oh, no, you have a puppy! Hi. What is her name? Tripod. Tripod. Okay. When I got her from the shelter, she walked with a limp. Oh, that's terrible. How was I supposed to know it would only be temporary? Oh, come here. But it was too late to start calling her quadruped. Yeah, too many syllables. Have you thought about puppy training classes? I think she's got puppy down pretty pat. What's this? I'm homeschooling her. Using the old dog-ate- my-homework excuse, I see. Hey, we're getting there. She does tricks, here, watch this. Tripod, come here. Come her, girl. Come, come here. I don't think she's perfected it. That's not the trick. Here, watch this. Come here. Come here, now, shake, shake. Shake, come on, show Emily. Good girl. Very nice. Of course puppy training would keep her from chewing up the apartment. She's just jealous from my staying out late. Oh, well then she needs to be locked up when you're gone. Puppy prison? Don't you think that's a violation of the eight amendment's cruel and unu- sual punishment clause? I think the dog's eighth amendment right is not to choke to death on the furniture. She screams when I lock her up. Man, she's got you trained. Coffee. Leave that, I'll get it later. Okay. - Jingle bell, jingle bell - Oh my God Jingle bell rock Jingle bells swing And jingle bells ring All right. Snowing and blowin' up bushels of fun Now the jingle hop has begun You still play with G.I. Joe? That's not a toy. It's a collector's item. Would you like to go shopping? I have a Barbie that says, "Die, commie, die." Can I smoke? It's not good for you. Thanks. You don't mind? I told you I wanted to relax. No, it's cool. I'm hip. I'll put it out. Thanks. Thank you. My husband - doesn't approve. - Shit, husband! I'm so sorry, I didn't know. Are you okay? I wouldn't have been hitting on you, shit, a change of pants would be good. Were you hitting on me? You couldn't tell? Explains why I need a dating service. You're a smooth operator. I'm not even here 10 minutes, and you've already got your pants off. I invite you back to my apartment. You turn out to be married. I was flattered my ring didn't stop you. You were not wearing a ring. I don't like shooting with it on. Kind of deceptive, don't ya think? Guys hit on me more when I'm wearing a ring. It doesn't stop them. It would stop me. I can see that. So I take it you don't have a girlfriend? If I had a girlfriend, would I have needed your dating service? Oh, lots of committed men try to join. Well, why would they do that? Why do ya think? Somebody must love you. Look at all these presents. I got them for myself. Oh. That way I always seem to get exactly what I want. Oh, you shouldn't have. A sweater, you shouldn't have! And it's just my size, how did you know? Oh, man. Day after Christmas I always feel so guilty about having spent so much on myself, I have to give it all back. That is so pathetic. They're from my parents. Ah. Do you really think I'd give myself a sweater? For Christmas? They shouldn't send me this stuff three weeks before the holiday. Like it's gonna stay unopened all that time. You gonna get that? At this hour? Maybe it's an emergency. Maybe it's your husband. Hey, I can't come to the phone. Please leave your message - after the tone. - Ooh, an answering machine for the modern man. Hello, darling, still not home? Hmm, naughty boy. Hey, don't forget we have a date tomorrow at Club Lucky. Get lucky? - Club Lucky. - Don't worry if you're not. I'll arouse you. How many times have I told you not to have your friends call here so late? No girlfriend, you really had me going there. She's a friend. Does your friend know about the dating service? Does your husband know about the wedding ring? Ah. We should do this again. Really, don't you think that'd be like decaf coffee? Forget it then. No, wait, you can introduce me to your husband. We could double date. I have a date tonight. I still need a ride. So much for the smooth getaway. Ooh, I think Tripod wants to drive. No way. She keeps leaving the car in front of fire hydrants. It's better than lawn chairs. So, are you gonna join our dating service? Would you be fixing me up? Would it help if I told you I met my husband there? Really? You don't seem like the kind of person that needs a dating service. Well, I could say the same thing about you. You don't think that being short, self-conscious, totally afraid to ask women out, qualifies me? You don't act that way around me. You're married, there's no pressure. Before you knew. What can I say, you must bring out the best in me. Welcome to Happily Ever After and here's your first referral. Oh, already? Mm, well, didn't I say you'd be back? Knowing people, that's my business. Did you match Emily with her husband? Emily? Oh! Our Emily, no, she wasn't a member. Oh, she told me that she met her husband here. She did, when they both worked here. Maybe I should be applying for a job instead of paying for a membership. You wouldn't wanna do that. Oh. They're separated. Don't they know? They have been for a very long time. I warned her against self-matching. Would a doctor operate on herself? Oh, Jesus! She owes me money. Me, too. Code red, code red. Man your battle stations. This is not a drill. I repeat, this is not a drill. Battleship hit. You wanna go see a movie later? What happened to Ari? B4. We broke up. Miss. Sorry. I2. Hit. He kept bugging me to marry him. Men, you date 'em. C7. Miss. Introduce 'em to your parents. I3. Hit. You move in with 'em. D5. Miss. And suddenly they think you wanna get serious. They're so clueless. I4. Hit. You sunk my battleship. Too bad about Ari. He was a good guy. B9. He wasn't the one. Miss. The one? A1. Hit. Do you think there's only one one out there for each of us, or are there a number of ones for everyone? I'd hate to think that I already met my one and didn't realize it, or have to worry about the odds of ever finding that one person in the world who's meant for me. You couldn't have met her yet, 'cause if you had you'd already be together. Not if she already rejected me. Oh, couldn't happen. Your one's gotta be her one, too. Got it? 'Cause one and one make two, I get it. But what if my one mistakenly settled for her two? That would make three, an odd combination that rarely works in the long run. Somehow her two would have to be removed from the equation, but then three minus two brings us back to square one. Go on, make fun, but I know there is one perfect guy out there for me, and I'm gonna find him, if I have to date every single Jewish professional in the Chicago land area. A2. Miss, uh, it's my turn, you cheat. You're lucky your one lives so close. Mine probably lives in cyberspace. I did meet a guy at a party last night. Was he the one? A chiropractor. We hit it off immediately. Before I know it, we are in the kitchen, I have my shoes off, and he is massaging my feet. In the kitchen? He slowly works his way up my arms, my shoulders, my neck. I am in heaven. We kissed a little, then we kissed a lot. Soon I am lying down in his lap, and he is peeling grapes and feeding them to me one at a time. Sounds like the one. Except he kept feeding me the sour ones. Not the one? Not the one. How does this stuff always happen to you? 'Cause I don't spend all my weekends working. How do you expect to find your one if you're never available on date nights? You don't drink. You don't smoke. You hate to party. Basically, you have no vices. Women need vices to share. They could have fun corrupting me. I have tried, Kip, it ain't gonna happen. Being single is wasted on you. B1. Still my turn. I could help, you know? I know a lot of single women that I can set you up with. Okay, check that, I know a lot of single men, but I'm sure they know single women. Don't bother. I actually joined a dating service. Oh my God! Wait, why didn't you tell me? You know I hate to brag. A3. Good for you. Good for you. Finally, a hit? No, miss. Have you gone on any dates yet? Uh, G1. Hit. No, but I did just get my first referral. I wanted you to be the first to know, just in case I got engaged it wouldn't come as such a shock. C1. This could be the one. Oh, miss, H1. Hit. R4. Miss. Hey, there are no Rs. None of the other letters are working. Are you sure I haven't hit any of your ships? No, way you're beatin' me this time, babe. I won. Hit and sunk. What? Looks like she's not home, Tri. Too bad. Hi, Laura, this is Kip Siliman, uh, calling from the dating service. Uh, I'm not from the dating service. I'm, I'm a, I'm a client. Um, anyway, I got your referral, and I would love to meet, uh, talk with you. Thank you. Oh, oh, my number, my number it's, uh, it's, uh, oh God, what is my, what is my number? It's, I'm, I'm sorry, I don't usually call myself. It's, it's funny, um, it's, uh, you, you should have that. Oh, shit. Hello? Is this Kip? Yeah. Kip Stillaman? Siliman. Uh, Laura? Uh, no. You got the wrong number. But you're calling me. You left it on my voicemail. No, I didn't. Uh, I have caller ID. This number matches the number I was given. Well, it's wrong. I quit that stupid dating service months ago, so don't leave any more messages on my phone. Hey, good luck! Ah, goddamn it! 11-9, I almost had you. I was this close, this close! Next time, I only spot ya eight points. How's Shelly? Who? The mother of your children, love of your life. Who? I gotta run, I got a date. Yeah? Blind date. Blind date? Who fixed you up? I joined a dating service. Why did you do that? Why do you think? Yeah, my sister-in-law joined one of those. Cost her 1200 bucks and 12 wasted nights. I got a good feeling about this one. Yeah, how much they get ya for? Hmm? How much did you pay? Oh, it's not about the money. How much? $3,000? 2999, but I get 16 referrals, not 12. If you're so desperate to meet women, why don't you try online dating services? They're a lot cheaper. Those sites are all about appearances. That's what I like about this service. They don't use photos or video. The last thing I want is my picture plastered over everyone's computer screen. I look better on paper. Have you written the check yet? You can't put a price on love. Yeah, maybe you can't, but at 150 bucks a pop, apparently they can. 187.50. Have you signed the check yet? Used to be 3499. 3500? I talked 'em into giving me the discount. Have they cashed the check yet? You don't know what it's like out there, man. You met Shelly in college. Yeah, I remember. Marriage and children only inhibit short-term memory. I didn't realize that college would be the last time we'd be surrounded by so many great women our own age, and they'd be so easy to get to know. Now I see a woman in the grocery store, or rollerblading by the lake, and I think, you'd better make your move, 'cause you're not gonna see her again. I don't know a think about her. I, I don't even know if she's single. All I know is I'm supposed to act, or risk kicking myself for letting another opportunity slip by. You never ask women out cold like that. Exactly, which is why I need this service. This is my last best chance of finding someone. Last? After this I can honestly tell myself I've tried everything. Then I can be okay with being alone for the rest of my life. I see what's going on. You're confusing your love life with sports. Your knees are starting to creak, you've lost a step. You wish. So you think time is running out, but it's an illusion. Love is ageless. At least for men it is. Feel fortunate you're not a single 35-year-old female athlete with your bio clock ticking down, 'cause then you'd be doubly screwed. I've already joined, so there's no use trying to talk me out of it. For 3,000 bucks I'd have set you up on, like, a 100 dates. I would let Carly set me up before I let you fix me up. Okay, what about Carly? I always thought you two were perfect for each other. You're smart, she's smart. She went to Brown, you went to Yale. She's not interested in me in that way. Why not? She is looking for a Jewish professional, not an unorthodox Jewish agnostic who likes to celebrate Christmas. Well, I guess that rules out divine intervention or prayer because those were gonna be my next suggestions for finding you a girlfriend. Let me borrow 50 bucks. Oh, perfect! You spend all your money on a dating service, and you have nothing left to take your dates out with. I will pay you back. I got a part-time job. For 3,000 bucks, you'd think dinner would be included. When I'm matched up with the woman of my dreams, it'll all be worth it. Yeah, well, I've only got 25, so you'll have to dream dutch. Caroline? Excuse me? Caroline? No, I'm sorry. But the? That was here when I sat down. All right. Sorry. Not pretty enough? She refused to go out with me. Well, tell me exactly what you said to her. I didn't say anything. She took one look at me, and then she backed out. Obviously, I didn't fit her profile. Well, we won't count this one either. The point is we were a lousy match. You can't keep serving me up gratuitous rejection and then offering me more of it to compensate. Patience, patience, we're just getting warmed up. It'll happen for you soon. My match record is 100%. Not interested. You haven't even looked at it. He's tall, very, very tall. Please, humor me. I said humor me, not humor you. Come see the Sears Tower, the tallest building in the Western Hemisphere. See Chicago like you've never seen it before. Okay, what do ya say? Ooh, Sears Tower, okay. Do do do do do Hey, Sears Tower, what do ya say? All right. Can I have one of those? Uh, uh. Excuse me, can I have one of those? Wrong block, John. Fourth tallest building in Chicago is 20 blocks that-a-way. Not one, John, four. Used to be first, but now you're just gonna have to get past that. I'm not fighting you about this again. Still number one, folks! Unprofessional, John! I thought I recognized that voice. You never called me. I didn't? Are you sure? What a coincidence running into you like this. You work here. My best friend is getting married, and she needs someone to videotape it. Do you wanna go grab a cup of coffee and discuss details? I don't know, I thought I would try and meet a cute bungalow out here, or maybe an adorable penthouse. Well, when you're done slumming? Are you working? I'm sorry? Are you shooting? You're not wearing your wedding ring. Um, my husband and I are separated. I'm sorry, was it because of me? What, no, we've been separated for a while. I know. How do you know? Have you been stalking me again? Jennifer told me. It's okay, I get it. No, you don't, listen, I like you, Kip, but I'm just not interested in dating anyone right now. I hope that's all right with you. Happens to be my specialty. We had a communication problem. He'd ask me what I was thinking, and I'd respond, "nothing," which absolutely drove him nuts. No one can be thinking nothing. You have to be thinking something. But how do you tell the person that you vowed to spend the rest of your life with that you're thinking that you don't want to be married to them anymore? Yeah, me neither, so instead I made his life so miserable that he asked me for a separation. At least this way he thinks it was his idea. I don't understand. Did you stop loving him or? I don't know why we separated, Kip. Like, I didn't like him watching reruns of Alf all day, but really it's just me. I don't think I'm the marrying kind. Then why'd you get married in the first place? It's only drilled in our heads from day one, and then we get so afraid that we're gonna miss our chance, that we'll settle for the first guy we convince ourselves we're in love with. But if the marriage isn't gonna be great, then what's the point? I don't know. Pretty good is looking pretty great right now. It isn't, trust me. So you think you'll get divorced? Doesn't really matter. It's not like I plan on remarrying. Ever? Well what if the perfect guy came along? There's no such thing as the perfect guy. That is a myth perpetuated by romance novels and movies. And dating services? They're the exception. How can someone so anti-marriage work for a dating service? I'm a hopeless romantic at heart, but for the rest of you I'm very hopeful. Hey, you hungry? We haven't even talked about the wedding. I gotta spring Tripod. She's been locked in her cage all day. I didn't tell her it was your idea. I have another idea. Are you sure you don't want some? Still don't eat meat since you asked me 10 minutes ago. It's not meat, it's chicken. He's a great dog. Yeah. Must've been hard lettin' your husband take him. Yeah, well, I felt I owed him that. Separation's so hard when there's a little one involved, but at least I have visiting rights. Hey, you wanna play Boot the Pigeon? You won't eat birds, but you'll kick 'em? No, you can't. No matter how hard you try, they always fly away in time. Watch. Your turn. No, what if I kick it? It's impossible, trust me. Oh! I've never seen that before in my life. Oh my God, it's not moving. I think it's stunned in disbelief from being kicked. I think it's dead. Oh. How hard did you kick it? I don't know, you said it would move! Well, what are you listening to me for? You've got that lethal toe thing on your boot. You should've kicked it soccer style. Should we take it to an animal hospital or? I think a large public toilet might be better. Oh, his wing moved, his wing moved! Don't touch it! The other pigeons won't accept it back into its nest. No, that only applies if it's a newborn. Well, I know you're not supposed to touch it. Well, that's 'cause of the diseases they carry. Hey, Cody, no! Tripod, no! Tri-Tripod, girl, put it down. Put it down, drop it. - Drop it. - I take it your dog does not share your vegetarian proclivities. Give her something to trade. Give me your camera No, she can't have my camera. If we get her to pose long enough for a picture, then she might drop it. Tripod here, look at the birdie. Look at the birdie, Tripod, not that birdie. Tripod. Haven't you harmed enough animals for one day? Maybe your dog is better off with your husband. Mm! Tripod, get the stick! Good girl! I can't believe that worked. Now it's dead. Don't, duck! You won't know I'm the one unless we meet. I can't believe I'm down to my last referral. How about we go out, and we don't tell anybody that we did? That way you'll still have your last one. You're sneaky. I like that. So you wanna meet? What if they find out? I'm not gonna tell 'em. It's too risky. If you don't like me, you'll tell them we met just to screw me. I wouldn't... It's better not to meet and still hold on to my last ray of hope. At some point you're gonna have to commit. You'll understand when you get down to your last one. Just trying to get down to my first one. Please don't make me go out with you. I'll always have you, precious girl. All right, bottom line, how much is this gonna cost my parents? Uh, 17... 3,000. I, I mean I usually charge three, but since, since you're a friend of Emily's. You know, I didn't even wanna have my wedding videotaped, but Emily here insisted. You have to have your wedding videoed. Memories fade, but video is forever, or whatever the shelf life of a DVD is. I master on Blu-ray. Ooh, confident, aren't we? All right, how about 2500? Great, great. How should I pay you? Half up front, half on delivery. What if they call off the wedding? Oh, fat chance, sweetheart. How about I just pay you all now while my parents are still happy to pay for it? Do you mind if I, uh, forge my mother's signature? Yeah? Well, he would know. He is your therapist. That is one of my character defects. She's pissed at me again. What for? Who knows? It's 'cause I don't listen, and I can't remember what else. Hey, I got this for ya. Hold on, client. Seeing that girl's ass at the club the other day gave me ideas. I bet it did. You're afraid to ask women out, right? The dating service is taking care of that. How's that workin' for ya? You have to let them know you're available. Advertise. I took the liberty of narrowing it down. By 50%, I see. They see this, and they're interested. It makes them do the work. You don't think this reads as desperate? No, it projects cool and confidence. Women eat that up. I wouldn't wanna be accused of false advertising. You're not supposed to reveal your true nature until after you're married. You know nothing about the dating process. I like women to know what they're getting up front. How has that worked for you? There aren't enough letters here. I took the concept to the next logical level. I can't wear these. You can and you will. Your phone will be ringing off the hook. I'm back. - R-E-A-D-Y-4-U. - Yeah. Yeah, I can be, hold on, client. Hello? Hello? Who's this? This is your cell number. It's a prototype, it's not meant for actual use. So this present isn't actually for me? I hand you no-miss solution to your dating woes, and all you do is criticize. I knew you weren't serious about meeting women. I have a date this afternoon. Great. Wear the shirt. Hello? Hello? Women. Uh, what do you do for a living? It wasn't very clear. Oh, I'm a homemaker. Literally? No, silly, the traditional kind. Oh, that's, uh, how do you support yourself? You're not one of those gold diggers, are you? You gonna ask me for your credit score next? Well, it just so happens to be perfect, perfect. Debra? - Hi, oh my God! - Hi! Congratulations! I'm so sorry we weren't able to make it. Was it amazing? It was. And Aruba? Perfect, everything was perfect. Oh, we're so thrilled for the both of you. Thank you. I'm sorry. This is, um. Kip. Kip is a wedding videographer. Oh, did you do Deb's? Huh? Oh, no, I wish I would've met him sooner. Maybe I would've gotten a discount. So great to see you. Give our love to Dale. - Thank you. - Bye, Kip. Are you married? Oh, don't you love it? Why would you join a dating service if you're already married? Well, I wasn't married when I joined, silly. I met Dale afterward. Congratulations, you met your match. Why are we here? Well, I didn't meet my husband through Happily Ever After. I met him through friends. So? So, it's not fair. I spent all that money, and I still have eight referrals left. But you're married. No way was I not gonna use them after the hell they put me through. What about me? Don't you think I'm a good match? You're married! God, is that all you think about? I better go. Sit down. You owe me a full date. Sit down. Isn't this romantic? Two strangers getting to know each other, uncertain what might happen next. Ooh. I could go for another one of these. Well didn't ya like her? She was married. Well, there's nothing here about your not wanting to be set up with women who've been married. I mean now, she's married now. Are you sure? You're not just trying to finagle another free referral out of us? She's got the diamond to prove it. Debra Weston married, huh, what do ya know? Well, just goes to show how good we are. Don't you people keep records or something? Ah, sometimes in their excitement the clients forget to give us the good news. The good news for you, however, is that this referral will not count towards your 16, and I'm sending you another referral even as we speak. We don't wanna lose our momentum. Quit screwing around! No wonder we haven't closed a match in weeks! Weeks, people! Oh, well, not counting Debra. No. Do you think of no one except yourself? I'm really enjoying my freedom. I like being single. What's wrong with you? There are clients out there. Come here, Tripod, I gotta get going. Come here. Sweetheart. Baby girl. Love of my life. Hey, worthless. Goddamn you, you little shit, get in your cage! Get in your cage! You just blew right through that stop sign. You know you've got a standing offer to drive? No, you're doing fine. Reminds me of my old stunt driving days. You were a stunt driver? Well, I was a stunt driver in training. I never graduated to full stunt driverhood. Uh-huh. You don't believe me. Well, I was supposed to be a lawyer to go along with my brother the doctor and my brother the accountant. Jewish mother's hat trick. So you decided on verbal slapstick instead? Oh, no I decided on a career in nots. Nots? Not being a lawyer, not being a doctor, and not working on Wall Street. By the time I'd eliminated everything I didn't wanna do, I was left with shooting weddings. I admire that. I mean, you could've done anything. Gone the conventional route, gotten money and prestige, but instead you chose to be a wedding videographer. If I had all that money and a house in the suburbs, then I'd be a failure. Yes, I see that now. At least you have something no one can take away from you. Credit card debt? A great education. Student loans. I'm sorry about all this. Doesn't matter to me. I'm used to being treated like the help. It doesn't make any sense. If something good happens, we won't be there to capture it. Take lots of pictures of the kitchen staff. That'll show her. I'm sure this whole seating fiasco is the banquet manager's screw up, not Linda's. Don't defend her. She's my best friend. 2500 will buy you a lot of loyalty. Which I got for you. What's this? A present. You bought me a present, why? For getting me this job. What is it? I'm sorry, you don't know how this works. I get you a present. You act all happy and excited, and then you don't ask me what it is until after you open it. You can't buy me a present like this. That's the great thing about being single. I can do whatever I want with my money. I can't accept this, it's too much. Hey, stop! Don't do it. Do I have to separate you two? - He started it. - She started it. Enjoying your meals, I see. You know, the filet's a little tough, and the, uh, champagne's a bit sweet for my taste. Oh, shit, I'm sorry, let me get you a real meal. Hey, I'm fine. Kip's a vegetarian. It's fine. I brought my own sandwich. You are not having a PB&J at my wedding. Let me see if I can rustle you up some lettuce and tomato. I'm fine, really. I should get back to the hall. Relax, there is nothing out there to shoot, because the bride is in here. Em, can I borrow you for a second? It's an emergency. I can't believe I'm breaking out on the biggest day of my life. I thought the point of getting older was to no longer have to deal with pimples. Seems like a fair trade fro gray hair and wrinkles. And cellulite, varicose veins. To no longer have to deal with acne. Our parents lied to us when they said it was a passing phase. Only to protect us during those awkward teenage suicidal years. Now we're mature enough to handle it, and armed with a greater arsenal of cosmetic skills. How's that? Uh, Em, you're an artist. You know, I don't mind you taking pictures of your new friend. I just hope ya got room left for Joel and me. Oh, well this is for my next exhibition. Yeah, I'm calling it An Ode to my Best Friend's Wedding, a behind the scenes look at the people who made it possible. You know, wedding guests and the wedding party is so cliche, any photographer can do that. Well, I was hoping to see less of the artist and more of my best friend in my wedding album. Oh, well, then you probably shouldn't have seated us in the kitchen. Well, the way you were raving about this guy, I thought you wanted to be alone with him. I was raving about his work. I'm not interested... In dating anyone. You're just bitter because you had your chance and you blew it. You're right. My marriage was a miserable failure, so why encourage me to do it again? It is my duty as the bride to make sure everyone's happy. You're saying you've never given any thought to you and this guy? I mean, he's a client at my dating service. Oh, how adorable, he's looking for love. Nah, he'd never go for it unless there was some potential for commitment. Men, don't ya hate that? We're friends, that's it. Well you better tell your chum over there that friends don't buy friends diamonds. He's probably arranging a date with one of his referrals as we speak. Bad girl. Bad girl. Tripod, no chew. No chew! Oh goddamn it, Tripod! Stupid dog. Hello? Who's this? Who's this? Nancy Holder, your referral. Hey, I can't come - to the phone. - Oh, hi, could you hold - one second? - Please leave your message after the tone. Hello? Oh, shit. Hi, uh, I'm sorry, I... You're the one who's been calling and hanging up. Uh, no, no, no, I... What's your problem? Um, let me explain. Go ahead, I'm listening. I, uh. Hello? Hello? Hello? Wasn't she pretty enough? We never met. She sounded attractive. We can't be blamed if you don't meet. I think I should get my money back. Whoa, slow down, where's this coming from? I promise the next one will be pretty. Is this how your service works? You just keep wearing your clients down until they settle for any kind of match? Hey, we're on your side, remember? - Hi. - Hey! Oh, hello, Tripod. Hi, baby. I brought presents. Oh, hey, Tripod, look! Oh, they're not for the dog. This one coils and uncoils. Would you like to take a walk? Okay, let's go. Maybe I'm not dating service material. Oh, it's not you. Any of those ladies would be very lucky to have you as a referral. You think so? Oh, yeah, definitely. - Oh! - Son of a! Are you okay? Oh, Kip, you're, you're bleeding, okay. I don't think I like your present anymore. I have a bandaid, here. Here we go. Here. Okay, there, you're all better. Lose something? Michael, don't force your sister. But she wants to go on, Dad. Where's Shelly? I'm giving her a break from the terrorists. Michael, what did I just say? Correction, one terrorist, one hostage, one ineffectual mediator. I'm Emily. Gavin. Hi, nice to meet you. Nice to meet you. Gavin's an attorney. Oh, a divorce lawyer? Kids, I kissed finding a normal bandaid in the house years ago. It was either this or a peace sign, but, um, I'm still at war with my razor. Well, it's a good image for you, like catch the opposition off guard. Michael, you better stop tormenting your sister. I'm helping her overcome her fears! Oh, that's so cute. If you don't stop, you'll need help overcoming your own fears. He's like a little adult. Yeah, you want him? Sure, other people's kids are loads of fun. Michael, this is your last warning. Stop or no video games tonight. That's useless. They know it's let them play video games or spend quality time together. Michael, your sister's head should not be - dragging along the ground! - Hey, all right, I got this, I got this. I take it back about that dating service. She is great. She's not from the dating service. I mean, she is from the, she's a wedding photographer. Wedding, perfect. Attractive, loves kids, tick, tick, tick, tick. She's married. Married? Where's her wedding ring? You know what, I don't wanna know. Actually she's... Let me tell you something about married women. It's not long term. If she's willing to have an affair with you, then how can you ever trust her if she were to be your wife? She's separated. Let me tell you something about women who are separated. Married women flirt to prove they've still got it. Harmless. But the separated ones, they use you to make their husbands jealous. Where there's still a union, there's a giant out of control husband just itching to take his marital problems out on your nose, and only then do you come to realize that she cares more about the condition of his fists than the contusions on your battered face. We're not having an affair. What does she want with you then? Friendship. She seems to be in hot pursuit of that. Well then you won't mind if I ask her out. Only to see if it's you in particular or men in general that she doesn't wanna date. Whatever, it's not like it could ever work between you two anyway. Who'd shoot the wedding? Lady? Yes, honey? I just threw up. Oh, ugh. All my dreams on the milky way Save my seat on the CTA Cardboard man carrying the page And the salt in your wounds Got a brand-new taste Framing posters of the neighborhood Can't live there but you wish you could Mayor man don't do what he should And all my streets are just no good You're sweet like summer And sour like rain Counting houses till you're home again Jim, I give you this ring. As a daily reminder of my love for you. As a daily reminder of my love for you. I'm sorry for not doing this in person, and, uh, an email wouldn't be right, but, you know I didn't join a dating service to make new friends, and as much as I love being with you, you're not supposed to want to kiss the lips of your best friend, or make love to your good buddy. So please don't stop by anymore unannounced, out of the blue, without warning, or call. I just can't see you anymore, I'm sorry. Hey. Aren't you happy to see me? Didn't you get my disk? Yes, I did, thank you very much. And? It doesn't work in my computer. I thought we could watch it together. We can't watch it together. Why not? You're being awfully mysterious. Hi, Tripod. Hi, girl. Come on. What's this? Watch the disk alone, by yourself, with no one else. Can Cody watch it with me? Please go. Stupid cord. Get in there, come on, get in there, ugh! Oh, Jesus! Jesse, do you knock? Door was wide open. Anybody could walk right in and steal your pot. What are you doing here? Cody misses you. I miss him. Where is he? I left him at home. Well, you can't just show up like this. What are you smiling at? I just like being with you. Ow! Uh, you're not hookin' it up right. Well then you do it! Jesse: Ow! Okay, you gotta go. Oh, what are we watching? All right, time to go. Wait, wait, it's just getting good. Isn't that our wedding song? Jesse, goodbye. Uh, can I have some of your pot? Fine, take it. All of it, for real? Jesse leave. I'm sorry for not doing this in person, and, uh, and email wouldn't be right, but. Come on! You know I didn't join a dating service to make new friends. Are you still here? No, I left. Give me your car keys. Huh? Give me your damn car keys. It's my car, too, ya know? But you don't drive. Hey! Hey. I drive, I don't have a license. Can I get a ride? How am I supposed to get home? Take my bike. Come on, Emily. Oh, hi. Did you forget again? Of course not. Forget what? Dinner, we have dinner plans. I didn't forget. Where's your head been lately? You know, if I didn't know you any better, I'd say you met someone. You have met someone. Oh my God, who is she? No one. Tell me. Tell me! Ow, ow, okay, okay, okay. She's beautiful. She's got silky blonde hair, sparkling soulful eyes. She loves to take long leisurely walks with me through the park. She sounds perfect. And she likes me no matter what kind of mood I'm in. What's her name? What's her name? It's Tripod! No wonder you're still single. Haven't any of your matches worked out? Not yet. I have to change. How 'bout that girl that Gavin saw you with? We were just friends. Were? We broke up. With a friend? Hey, you know I'm thinking about joining a dating service, too. Maybe they'll pair us together. Wouldn't that be hilarious? This one sounds promising. They all sound promising. Have you called her? Nope. What are you waiting for? I'll call her tomorrow. You're never gonna meet your one if you just keep waiting until tomorrow. Hello, uh, Amanda. Hi, this is, uh, Kip. I have your referral here, and I was wondering if maybe you'd like to go and get dinner or something? I can't, I work on the weekends. How about Thursday? That's considered the weekend nowadays. If you can't, I understand. Okay. Bye. What happened? We have a date on Thursday night at Francesca's. She's gonna move her laundry to Wednesdays. Oh, sounds perfect. Are you nervous? A little, I haven't had a real date yet. Well how are your kissing skills? What are you talking about? It's a first date. Who cares about kissing? Are you serious? It's critical. Critical? How many first dates have you kissed on? All of them? You make that sound like it's normal. Now how many are we talking here? 70! You have kissed 70 different guys? Wait, wait, wait, are we talking like real kisses or your average end of the evening courtesy kisses? They're real all right. If I didn't kiss 'em on the first date, how would I know they were worth a second date? You wouldn't go out with a guy again, 'cause of the way he kissed? I couldn't date someone who wasn't a good kisser. What if he was nervous or something? I can tell the difference, darling. Couldn't you train him? Some things can't be trained. That's a lot of pressure to put on a guy on a first date. There's no pressure. He doesn't know how important it is to me. Don't you think there's more to a person than the way that he kisses? It's something that you're gonna do every day for the rest of your lives together. If it's not good, it's hard to get passed it. There's a certain logic to your reasoning I'm finding very disconcerting. Now I'm really nervous. You'll do fine. I'll never date again. Don't be silly. Here, come here, you can practice on me. I thought you couldn't practice kissing. No, I said it wasn't trainable. I believe in lots of practicing. It'll boost your confidence. Yeah, right, the kiss of death. Come on, let's see how you rate. Wait, that didn't count, I wasn't ready. I don't know, a lot of teeth, a little wet. Shh, no, go! For a second there, I thought I saw fireworks. This is ridiculous. How 'bout Thai then? Wait, no! Hello? I think it's her. Hello? Hello? Why are you getting so upset? You should've seen them, like going at it. It was gross. What's it to you? You don't wanna get involved with the guy, so why get jealous when he shows interest in someone else? Hah, I am not jealous. Maybe he got lucky with one of your service's dates. Oh, dude, she was not from the service. She was gross. Who cares how him and the skank met? You should be happy for him. Would you stop defending him? You are my best friend. You didn't see the DVD he did of our wedding. It's incredible. Though you seem to be in it an inordinate amount of times. Get out of the way, asswipe! God! You are not driving. Nope. Oh, thank God. Now I'm driving. Oh! You okay? Have you been here the whole time? No, I left. You couldn't ride home two lousy miles? I did and then back again. Oh, goody for you, you want a medal? No, house keys. - I couldn't get in. - Shit. I'm sorry, Jesse. I could just see Cody through the window, cryin' to get out. I'm a horrible person. No, you're not. Whatcha thinkin'? Just try it, come on. I'm fine. Just a little bite. No, thanks. Just, just a little baby bite. I don't eat it, I don't eat meat, really. Oh my God, that's so good. Listen, listen, you have to put - some of this in your mouth. - No, please, no. Shit! Ah, I'm so sorry, I'm sorry. - Oh my God. - I'm so, I'm sorry. Ah, God. Thank you. I'll get somebody to clean that mess for you. Thank you. Are you going to ask her out again? Can I speak to Jennifer, please? You owe her the courtesy of a second date. She walked out on me in the middle of a meal. Not pretty enough? I must not have been. I meant her. Look, why do people keep asking me that? She could look like Scarlett Johansson for all I care. If she's not intelligent and kind, then I wouldn't be interested in her. Perhaps it's time for a different representative than Jennifer. Me, perhaps. She told me her success rate was 100%. That Jennifer, she still counts her ex-husbands in her statistics. She's not just a representative, you know. I can't take this any more. How do you think we feel? This doesn't reflect well on us. If you'll be a little patient. I've been patient. I've been more than patient. Look, I know you people mean well, but it's just, I don't trust you people any more. I want out. You can't quit, sir, you signed a contract. I don't care. The next one will be pretty. You have my word on it. God, you don't get it. Please, one more chance. Don't make this harder on me than it already is. We won't count this last one towards your total. How's that sound? Goodbye, I'm hanging up now. D-Don't hang up, please. I've got a surefire date for you, she's perfect. We've been saving her, but I think you're ready. Fine. Please, one more chance. I said fine. Thank you, thank you, you won't regret it. Let me read you a little from her profile. She's pretty, fun. Hello? Hello? God! Tripod, Tripod, no, baby girl, I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry, please. Come here, goddamn it, and let me love you! Pizza guy's here. Thank you. What's the damage? Uh, 29.99. Kip, is that you? I don't believe it! How's it goin'? Great. What happened, you lose your wedding job? I'm kidding. You wanna take a tour of the house? Hey, honey, Kip's here! Who? Kip! Who? Kip Siliman, the class valedic... I can't, I've got other deliveries. Some other time maybe. How much was it again? 29.99. Here's 30, keep the change. I'm kidding! Can you break a 100? Not really. What happened to you? Look, Jack, nothing happened. I'm sorry if this doesn't jive with your vision of how my life would turn out, but as long as I'm not hurting anyone. You're killin' me just seein' ya like this. You used to be such a god! Yeah, well, even gods are human sometimes. No, they're not. Keep it. All of it? Are you kidding? I still believe in you, man. Excuse me. Where are you going? You're such a darling. You don't want me away from you even for a minute. I can't apologize enough. I told you, forget about that whole drink spillage thing. I'm having a wonderful time. You know, I keep thinking we've met before. I know, we connect so well. I have to go to the little girl's room, so we don't have another accident. I'll take care of that now. It's okay. I'll take good care of it. You see, I'm back. This has been nice, hasn't it? Do you wanna do it again? I'd love to. Great. But I can't. But you just said you were having a good time. I did, but why spoil it with another? Huh? I will treasure this date for the rest of my life. You'll find that perfect someone. And this dating service is so wonderful. I have met so many incredible men, and their reps, they're so caring, so helpful, so pretty. I do know you. Men tell me that all the time. Some say I remind them of a brunette Scarlett Johansson. You're my rep! I'm not Jennifer. No, the other one. Am not. I don't believe this. You did have a good time, didn't you? I gotta get outta here. Am I not pretty enough? I promised you pretty! You people are insane. We won't count this toward your final number either! That's fair, isn't it? Let him go, hon, he's not worth it. His card was declined. Oh. What was that? You won. I won? Yeah. I won? I can't believe it, you lost. I beat you, yeah! Let's go again. Nope, that's it. What? I'm done. You're not gonna shower? We only played one point. I never knew you were such a poor loser. This is very revealing. If I sued the dating service to get my money back, would you help me? What? I knew this would happen. Didn't I warn you? Yes, you did, after I signed the contract. You have to promise not to sign any more contracts without consulting me first. You got it, you're the man. I have to charge you. Of course. Uh, how much are we talking? Well, let's see, there's gonna be filing fees, papers to serve, court costs. I'd say around 2999. $3,000? Add that to the money for the date you still owe me. I never paid you back? With interest it comes to 34.99. Would you help me or not? Look, if you just made a play for Carly, like I told you, we could have avoided this whole mess. Would you forget Carly? Why? You're perfect for each other. You're smart, she's smart. I can't be with a woman who rejects guys based on how they kiss. Who's talking kissing? You've got hair, she's got hair. The irony is she's not even all that great a kisser. She's not? Nope. How would you know? We were practicing the other night. Practicing? Yeah, for my date. What are you, 12? What else were you practicing? Nothing. You know what, I don't wanna know. Nothing. Sex without love is just another form of masturbation. Yeah, with a great prop, Carly. I'm not gonna sleep with a woman if we're not in love. Well I guess that rules out hiring a prostitute, 'cause that was gonna be next suggestion. Would you take the case or not? You know why this dating service thought it would be so easy to match you? Because everyone who joins has the same thing in common. They're all stupid enough to trust their love lives to a cooperation. I hope that's not your opening argument. It's a loser. No judge in the world would rule in your favor. $3,000? I wouldn't be surprised if you settle out of court by renewing your membership. Thank God you've changed your mind. I'm so nervous. Look, my hand is shaking. What's with all the cameras? It was in the documents you filed to waive your court fees. Don't you read contracts before you sign them? Oh, right, you don't. Good thing I got you. All rise. The Honorable Judge Maxwell Kenneths presiding. Be seated. Gavin, we're over here. Are you supposed to sit over here? Sillyman versus Happily Ever After. Just come over here real quick. Hey. We should sit on the same. Siliman versus Happily Ever After. Excuse me, is there a problem? Will you both approach the bench? No, sir, uh, Your Honor. My attorney's sitting on the wrong side. Is that true, mister? Brewster. No, Your Honor, I'm opposing counsel. What? You can't be. Oh, he's right, Mr. Siliman, that's what it says here. Otherwise it'd be two against zero, which would be highly irregular. Having my best friend oppose me, that's regular? Back to your seats, gentlemen. But, I... Back, I've ruled. What is wrong with you? It's nothing personal. Paying me a lot of money. I said I would pay you. No, real money. Remember me, boys? Huge. Mr. Siliman, you're up first. Dating can be very stressful. One of the reasons for joining a dating service is to make that process easier. I told Happily Ever After I didn't like to travel. They set me up with a travel agent. I said I like movies. They paired me up with an actress, but she couldn't have been a very good actress, because she couldn't act the least bit interested in meeting me. I didn't join a dating service to be set up for further rejection. This company was clueless as to who I am and what I was looking for. They didn't live up to the spirit of the contract, and that's why I'm asking for my money back. Mr. Brewster, response? Your Honor, we don't deny that plaintiff's had a rough go of it, but we intend to prove that Happily Ever After did everything in its power to match Kip, uh, Mr. Siliman. We'll further show that Mr. Siliman abandoned my client long before they allegedly abandoned him. Call your first witness. Witness? Thy have witnesses? Mr. Siliman, it is not your turn. The defense calls Kip Siliman. All right, Mr. Siliman, it's your turn. Come here, I don't bite. Mr. Siliman, you're a college graduate. Yes. Yale, in fact, and you were our high school's valedictorian. You're a very intelligent man. I've had a good education. Intelligent enough to know what you were getting into. Book smart doesn't necessarily translate into life smart. Come, come, Mr. Siliman, you may take a sophisticated pleasure in underestimating your own intelligence, but please don't insult all of ours, just because none of us here went to Yale. I went to Duke. Biggest mistake I ever made. Second biggest. You signed a contract with Happily Ever After. This is your signature? Yes. A contract is a kind of relationship. A special bond between two consenting parties, is it not? Wouldn't you agree a good relationship is based on trust and commitment? Yes, but... But you didn't follow through on your commitment. You left this relationship with my client after barely getting started, before you had a chance to feel each other out, to talk, to listen. After only one date, one. Only one that counted, there were other... If this is how you conduct yourself in relationships, it's no wonder my client couldn't match you. Counselor. I don't need a second date to know it's not going to work out. No second chances, eh, Mr. Siliman? If only we were all so omniscient. Counselor! Did you express your dissatisfaction to my client? I tried, but every time I did, they would just ask me if my dates were pretty enough. You got something against pretty dates? Did you inform my client you were only interested in ugly dates? Of course I like pretty dates, but that wasn't the point. What is the point, Mr. Siliman? Were you this confusing when talking to my client? Counselor! Are you going to say anything else besides counselor? You just worry about yourself, Mr. Siliman. I am not the one on trial here. Please tell the court your occupation. I'm a videographer. A wedding videographer to be exact. You videotape weddings. Yes. Speak up, please. Yes. Are you proud of what you do? I'm good at it. I'm good at taking out the garbage. Aces, my wife says, but I don't do it as a profession. Life hasn't turned out like you planned, has it, Mr. Siliman? How could you ever expect to find true love when you don't even love yourself? Give me a break. I'm sorry, Your Honor, I know it's a cliche, but how do you think cliches got to be cliches? By always being right. Move on, counselor. In your profession have you ever had a dissatisfied customer? No, I've been very fortunate. Too bad you can't say the same for the women you've dated. Is he allowed to keep insulting me like this? I've heard worse. I'm through with this witness. You may step down. Wait, don't I get to cross myself? We're not in church, Mr. Siliman. You'll get your chance again later. Miss Gilbert, you understand you're in a court of law? You're expected to tell the truth under penalty of perjury. I do. Proceed. Describe to us in your own words your one and only date with Mr. Siliman. It was a nightmare. He must've lied on his questionnaire. He's a vegetarian, and he hates meat. Where was that on his profile? And then, then after our so-called date, he kept calling me and harassing me. I called you once. You left in the middle of dinner. I had no idea what had happened. I was trying to get as far away from you as possible. If I was such an awful match, doesn't that confirm my argument, Happily Ever After had no idea what they were doing? It only confirms that you are a creep. Now she's insulting me. - Nothing further. - Stop harassing me! The witness will step down, please. And shut up. How much they pay you for that? 2999, plus unlimited referrals for life. Your Honor, with the court's permission, I would like to recall Mr. Siliman. Is that really necessary? Yes, Your Honor. All right, but he may answer from there. I'm gettin' tired of all this back and forth nonsense. You're still under oath, Mr. Siliman. How long's it been since you've had sexual relations with a woman? Me? Oh, God, no, Your Honor. Mr. Siliman. Too confusing. Mr. Siliman, you better take the stand. Mr. Siliman, how long's it been since you've been intimate with a woman? Is this relevant? Please, answer the question. Permission to treat the witness as hostile. Absolutely not. Let's all be nice. Do I have to answer in front of all these people? You may whisper it to me. It's okay. I'm the judge. 10 years! Healthy young man such as yourself? 10 years. That's a long time. You better do something about that, son. You haven't had intercourse in 10 years. No. No physical relations of any kind? No. No hanky-panky, no roll in the hay, no tickle me Elmo... Asked and answered, counselor, give him a break. I haven't made love, kissed, hugged, or held hands with a woman in 10 years, okay? You satisfied? I'm perfectly satisfied, Mr. Siliman. It's not my fault you're a loser. Again with the name calling. Stop insulting the witness. Let there be no doubt the court heard you correctly. It is your sworn testimony that you have not made love, kissed, or held hands with a woman in 10 years. Yes. Then you are a little liar. Judge? Do not call the witness a liar. Only the judge may call the witness a liar. I wasn't objecting so much to the liar part. And I have the photos to prove it. Let me see those. Where did you get these? The source wishes to remain anonymous. Why? These are good, look at that lighting, composition. Do you deny knowing the woman in the photographs? Were these shot with film? Of course not. They weren't? I was answering his question. I think it was shot on a cell phone. No foolin'? Amazing. What is your relationship to her? You know our relationship. I'm sure he does, Mr. Siliman, but we'd like to know as well. We're friends. You call this friendship? Do friends kiss like this? At length, passionately on the lips? You have to understand the context. Oh, I believe the context is quite clear. We were kissing, but we weren't really kissing. See, we were practicing for my date. And you're not really suing my client? You're just practicing for the People's Court. The People's Court, are you mock... Is it not true, Mr. Siliman... Did you just interrupt me? No, I, uh. No one interrupts me in my courtroom. Sorry, Your Honor, it won't happen again. See that it doesn't. Uh, is it not true, Mr. Siliman, that you would like to be involved with this woman? That you harbor romantic feelings for her, stronger than you are willing to admit in this courtroom? The defense calls Carly Feinstien. What is the nature of your relationship to Mr. Siliman? He's been in love with me for years, but he knows that I only date professionals. He's just a wedding videographer, you know? But he never took the hint. No further questions. You may step down. You just perjured yourself. Plaintiff will please refrain from insulting the witness. So sue me. I can't believe you told Gavin that I was a lousy kisser. I said not great. I never used the word lousy. I'm sorry. Kiss off. Witness will step down. Were you responsible for those pictures? I was in them, you idiot. Step down! Is it not likely, Mr. Siliman, that your feelings for Miss Feinstien predisposed you to rejecting other women? That, in fact, no matter who Happily Every After paired you with, you would have rejected her because of this preexisting obsession, and that is why you want your money back? If I deny it, is someone else going to insult me? The defense rests, Your Honor. Do you rest, too, Mr. Siliman? Yes. No! No, I wanna make a closing statement. Proceed. But please keep it brief. Happily Ever After caught me at a very vulnerable time in my life, adulthood. All I ever wanted was to be loved by a woman as much as I loved her, to grow old together, happily ever after. Poor sap. But I suppose that is just another fairytale. I admit I was naive. I thought for the amount of money they charged me, they knew something that I didn't. I can accept being alone for the rest of my life, but no one should be allowed to take financial advantage of that loneliness. And we're live in three, two. Have you been doing small claims court very long? Well, I used to do divorce court, but I got tired of running into my ex-wife. Is she an attorney? Husband number one and four. Sorry. The good news is I still have 15 referrals left on my membership. The bad news is they're all with her. Yeah, well, the judge must've found it hard to believe that someone like you would have trouble attracting women. That's always been my problem. People overestimating me. You did well. Gavin looked worried until the ruling. That's what people get for underestimating me. Bad news is I lost all my friends in the process. You didn't. That's okay because the good news is I've had those friends for so long, it's about time I got some new ones. Bad news is I've got no money left to buy any. Well, you should've asked Gavin to defend you first. I was not the defendant. Would've won if it weren't for those photos. Yeah, well, looked pretty bad getting caught in a lie like that. You thought I was lying, too? We were practicing. Is that why you gave him those photos? Um. I know it was you. Mr. Siliman? I, they offered me a raise. Mr. Siliman? I mean, I turned 'em down. You gave them the pictures for free. Is that supposed to make me feel better? Kip? What? Rhonda Royce at Channel Six news. Will you appeal? If I could appeal would I have needed a dating service in the first place? The verdict, will you appeal the verdict? Can you appeal small claims court? Of course you can appeal to all those single women out there looking for the same thing you are. Single ladies out there looking for the same thing you are. I can't accept this, it's too much. Hey, stop! Hey, stop. Do I have to separate you two? You think it's kismet we keep running into each other like this? Kismet, my ass. You call my date to find out where we were meeting? That wouldn't be ethical. Well, you better leave before she gets here. We wouldn't want her being jaded before she's been with your service a while longer. Too late. It's not even the right color. They were out of yellow. Are you really my referral? Haven't you guys run out of employees for me to date? No, uh, there's still Joann and Sarah and Dean. Dean, Dean seemed like a nice guy. This is the only way I could get you to talk to me. You won't answer my calls. You put shades on your windows. What about your husband? We're getting a divorce. He asked you? I asked him. I got tired of waiting around for him to come up with the idea himself. Well, congratulations. Your aloneness is now complete. I'm surprised you're still with us. Do I have a choice? She'll come around. I doubt it. She has to. Yeah? She loves you. She does? Would she have done what she did if she didn't? I don't know. Wait, who are we talking about here? You know, your girlfriend Cathy. Carly, she's not my girlfriend. You kiss her like she is. We were practicing. How do you practice kissing? Show me. Show me! Show me! Show me. I haven't pronounced you husband and wife yet. - Sorry. - Sorry. This is my court of yard. Pull another stunt like that and I won't. Won't happen again. See that it doesn't. We're sorry. Please continue. I now pronounce you husband and wife. Go on, kiss, I won't watch. You're not counting that. He's married, isn't he? He sued us. After you butted in. What'd you expect me to do, marry him? If you wanna play with the big boys. That's bigamy. You've gotta be prepared to bend a few rules. I believe that brings me back to a 100%. Thank you very much. Throw away it all And the only thing you planned ahead Was a clean slate Projecting too tall Waking up identical To your past life Here today Gone tomorrow Be that way Whoa oh whoa oh Here today And gone tomorrow Be that way Whoa oh whoa oh Such loving eyes Wasted on an altitude Where nothing's good enough And another thing You'll never find Anything you're lookin' for By just visiting Visiting oh oh Here today Gone tomorrow Be that way Whoa oh whoa oh Here today And gone tomorrow Be that way Unintentional it seems To be so much more than anyone But that's your game, love You erased everything And your wasted lies are blind to it Such a shame you cared at all Oh |
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