Hyah.
Hyah.
Hyah.
We're behind schedule.
Hold it right here.
It's a good thing
you didn't tell us this is
where you wanted to come.
Why is that, toad boy?
Because we wouldn't have.
This place is dangerous.
There's a legend.
Four hundred years ago,
a ship stopped near here
and left behind a treasure.
Must be a big treasure for someone
to go to the end of the Earth to hide it.
And for some gringo to go
just as far to dig it up. Huh?
You're a smart boy, Miguel.
And because of that,
I'm gonna let you have
some of what we find.
Ah, remember
you say that.
Oh, I will.
I'm gonna let it have
a little of you too.
Right about here.
Tell your men to start
diggin' right here.
The opening
to the cavern's about two
or three feet down.
A cavern?
That's what the Indians say.
The men who came buried
the treasure in a cavern.
You know,
this thing doesn't look
like a treasure chest, huh?
Looks more
like a casket.
You're right again, amigo.
And inside it is the most
incredible treasure
in the whole world.
Cut the straps.
Come on.
Open it up.
What the fuck!
Boys, meet Lilith.
That's it?
That's your
goddamn treasure?
You bet it is.
This here is the most horrible woman
the world has ever known.
And she's all mine.
You sick, pathetic,
little piece of shit.
You drag us all the way
to the end of the Earth
for a fucking stiff?
Vamonos!
This ain't no ordinary stiff,
my friends.
I've been looking for this
little lady for ten long years.
I've searched the four
corners of the Earth...
just
to find her heart...
so I could give it back
to her.
Ahh.
H-How are you doing that?
What can I say, boys?
I know how
to turn a woman on.
Damn.
That's not supposed to happen.
Wake up!
Wake up, you bitch! Shit!
Wrap her up.
We're taking her with us.
You sick
piece of shit.
Jefe! Jefe, mira aqu!
Ahora! Aqu est!
- My God, blood. Blood.
Ay, madrecita.
Oh, mama!
- Wh-What is that?
- It's a vampire.
The mother of all vampires!
Come to me.
No! No!
Chill, baby.
- What is that?
- You don't get to the movies
too often, do ya?
- "Movies"?
- It's the only thing
that keeps her in line.
The blood inside gives
whoever possesses the key
total power over Lilith.
It doesn't matter
where the key is.
In a pocket.
In a safe.
Or right in her face.
Isn't that right, sweetheart?
- Hey, beautiful,
if I give you one more,
- What are you doing?
- You promise to behave?
- Anything for you, lover.
You son of a bitch.
Then she rips his face off,
and she eats him!
I-I know. It-It doesn't sound
like all that much,
but it'll do
great business foreign.
And the cassette...
Believe me.
You know the last picture
that I directed made a fortune.
I don't need to tell you
what a piece of shit that was.
No, you don't. I know
what a piece of shit it was.
Jack! Jack.
How are you?
Kudos to you, my friend,
on your promotion.
We must do lunch.
Must, must, must.
What a schmuck that guy is.
When I was still acting
in motion pictures,
I couldn't get him
to call me back.
Not a single
goddamn phone call!
Now, of course,
he'd give his left nut
to work with me.
And I'd give my left nut
for this lunch to be over.
Which brings me to why
I've asked you here today.
You and I have been friends
for a long time.
Yes, yes.
We have, haven't we?
Just as well
you feel that way...
because I don't think this tomb
is big enough for the both of us.
Which is why
I would like...
to propose
a friendly little competition.
Winner take all.
You're on, pal.
One.
Two.
- Three!
- My rock beats your scissors!
Give me that hand.
That didn't hurt one bit.
You ready for round two?
Go for it!
Well, kiddies,
looks like your pal the Crypt Keeper's
in for the fright of his life.
Um, I mean death.
Which is kind of like the man
in tonight's tawdry tale.
He's about to meet
the ghoul of his dreams...
in a nasty bit
of scarnal knowledge I call...
Bordello of Blood.
...for all those who
revere him the most,
who aren't afraid to say,
"I walk with the Lord."
That's why everyone here
at the Current World Ministries
has made the Lord's work...
our number one priority.
We can't do
this important work...
Without your
generous donations.
So get out your checkbooks...
and help wipe Satan's slimy hold
from the face of mankind.
The Bible tells us...
Caleb!
Caleb!
Are you out of your mind?
Half the neighborhood
can hear this music!
Well, I am very sorry.
I must apologize.
There! That's for the other half.
Would it kill you
to be considerate
for two seconds of your life?
Yeah,
it probably would.
Well, great.
Keep it down.
Thanks.
I was going out anyway.
Where are you going?
You're my sister,
not my parole officer.
A parole officer's
exactly what you need.
Fuck you.
Caleb, look, don't go out looking
for trouble, okay? Stay home. Please?
Are you afraid that I'm gonna go out
and have some fun, for God's sakes?
I know what it is.
You're afraid that maybe I'm
gonna be sentenced to hell!
Well, I got news
for you, sister.
I'm already in hell.
Shut up!
You shut up.
Nice shot, dude.
One more, we win.
Shit! What are you
talking about?
All right.
Hey, five bucks
if you hit him in the nuts.
Are you serious?
- What?
- Five bucks in the nuts, man.
- Hey, six bucks if you don't.
- Six dollars?
- We got six dollars over here.
- Fuck that. Ten dollars.
Ten fuckin' dollars.
You got it.
- Sixteen dollars if you don't.
- Sixteen dollars!
- That's 16.
- Can you beat it?
Can you beat it?
That's too rich,
brother.
- Looks like
we got ourselves a bet.
- Let's go.
Stick him, baby.
Let's go, man.
Son of a bitch!
Sorry, dude. It slipped.
Look at it this way, pal.
At least they're paying
for the beers.
My kids are gonna
have holes in 'em.
I wish you boys would
stop playing that game.
It's disgusting.
Why don't you just go out
and get yourselves laid?
That's not a bad idea.
Louise, why don't you come over here
and give me a little piece
of what you got goin' on?
You're a little young
for me, honey.
Why don't you come back when you
grow some hair on your nuts,
and we'll talk about it.
Oh, my.
Why don't you come look at my nuts?
They're very nice.
Here's to getting laid, boys.
Sooner or later.
Here's to gettin' laid
sooner and later.
Boys, I know a place...
not too far from here...
where you can get the best
goddamn piece of ass...
in the whole
goddamn world.
They got girls
that'll do things...
there aren't even names for.
Why don't you get fucked?
I'm talkin' about
gettin' fucked so good...
you might be able
to crawl home
three days later.
Okay. Okay.
Sounds pretty intense.
All right, man?
325 Bowmont.
Ask for the Cunningham...
wake!
You crazy,
bug-eyed motherfucker!
You better walk away.
I'll kick your ass, man.
Can you believe this asshole?
He's insane, man.
He's nuts.
Yo, Caleb.
Where you goin', man?
Where the fuck you think?
The Cunningham wake.
- What?
- You pussies comin' or what?
No. N-No!
What are you doin', man?
The guy's insane.
"McCutcheon Funeral Home"?
That's what the guy said.
You think there's a party
going on inside?
I don't know.
But if one member
of the Addams Family
opens the door, I'm outta here.
Come on, try again.
Hello.
Can I help you boys?
- Okay. We're outta here.
- I don't think so.
Here for the Cunningham wake,
are we?
Excuse me.
Nice place. You got
about 10,000 termites
holding hands here?
I hope you boys
are ready to have fun.
Just the thought
of all that naked flesh
waiting for you.
I'd join you myself,
but somebody has
to watch the door.
Been so busy tonight.
Yeah, looks like
a packed house to me.
Yeah.
Come on, boys.
Keep up, keep up.
This guy's pretty fuckin' creepy.
Oh, my God.
It's a necrophiliac's
wet dream.
Come on, boys.
The girls are waiting.
Girls.
Girls.
Come on. Chop, chop.
In you go.
You want us to
get in the coffin?
Yes.
You're outta your mind,
old man.
Yeah.
We were gonna take you up,
but, uh, thanks,
we've changed our minds.
Changed your minds?
I'm afraid this is
the only way out.
Come along, boys.
Get with the program.
The party is this way.
You heard the man.
Go ahead.
Go ahead.
Come, come.
Really.
I insist.
No, I insist.
Oh, man.
I don't like this.
Man, I must
really be horny.
Fuck.
What a handsome couple
you'll make.
Down!
It's dark! Let me out!
Let me out of here!
Let me out of here!
Let me out! Let me out!
This isn't funny!
Are we dead yet?
I think we died
and went to heaven.
Evening, boys.
We've been waiting for you.
Come inside, boy.
Yeah.
Oh, my God.
Holy shit.
Wow.
This is deep.
Hi, boys.
Hi, girl.
How would you like
to take the skin express
to Tuna Town?
Well, how do I get
myself a ticket?
Looks like
you already got one.
It's a very small ticket.
It's a short ride.
It's a ticket.
Hey, man. Kill her.
I'm Patrice.
I want it fast,
and I want it dirty.
I can do that.
Oh, baby, you're
getting me so hot.
Oh, I don't know
what to do with myself.
Oh, that's a great start.
Oh, yeah. Um, do you want me
to take off my clothes too?
Okay.
You've got
nice skin.
Nice hair.
Eh!
Nice blood.
What the hell
did you do that for?
'Cause I want to taste
every last bit of you.
Um... okay.
Do you mind if I cut in?
Who are you?
The name's Lilith.
I'm the boss.
Didn't Tallulah explain
how we work here?
No.
She gets you ready,
And then I finish you off.
Oh.
So...
are you ready?
Oh, yeah.
Oh, I'm ready.
Come here and show me what you got.
Okay.
Don't eat your heart out, baby.
That's my job.
Wow, I guess I finally found a girl
with a little something extra.
So, what are
your hobbies?
There's something
I need to ask you about. Um...
My girls know better than
to talk with their mouth full.
Whoa.
Two chicks. That's cool.
You care for a little deep throat?
Deputy,
you don't understand.
My brother's been gone
for days.
Ma'am, I understand just fine.
Right now,
I'm up to my eyeballs
in missing persons.
I'll get
to your brother...
after I've gotten
to all these cases first.
I'm sorry.
That could
take forever.
- Ma'am, I'm sorry.
- Fucking cops are unbelievable.
- Great.
- Now that's just ridiculous.
A pretty lady like you
being treated like that.
Excuse me?
I'm sorry.
I couldn't help
overhearing.
My name is,
uh, Rafe Guttman,
Guttman Investigations.
I specialize
in missing persons.
Can I get that back?
I'm savin' trees.
Just doin' my part.
I have an office.
Maybe you and I
could go talk...
Watch what
you're doing, huh?
Rafe Guttman.
We could talk about this.
Unless you want
to stay here...
and let the A-Team get
to your brother's case.
I've had a few run-ins
with the cops myself, Miss...
I didn't catch your name.
Verdoux, Katherine.
Look, Mr. Guttman...
Call me Katherine.
I'm not sure that I'm ready
to hire someone right now.
What are you waiting for?
Every minute you delay,
it's harder to find your brother.
You gotta trust me.
I'm an expert.
Well, I guess
it couldn't hurt to talk.
Of course it wouldn't.
And I'll be gentle.
And, you know,
I can't believe it,
but I'm actually
going to ask a woman this:
Uh, haven't I met you
somewhere before?
Must be my imagination.
Well, anyway, we're here.
And I know you're already
feeling a little bit better
about me, aren't you?
Why don't you plunk it down
right over there?
So tell me
about your brother.
We had a fight.
He went out,
and he never came back.
That's one hell of a tiff.
That sort of stuff
happen all the time?
We argue a lot.
Then he goes out,
gets drunk with his friends,
and usually he comes home.
Yeah, not this time.
I'll tell ya what,
I'm gonna need the names
of those friends.
I'm gonna need some phone numbers,
some addresses.
Maybe a photo, charcoal rendering.
You got anything like that?
Yeah, I did bring
a picture with me.
- What are you lookin' at?
- Uh, your clutch.
I'm a purse freak.
I'm looking at you.
I swear to God I know you.
We've never met?
I don't think so.
Well, you know something, dearie,
if it's any consolation to you,
you're just not my type.
That is comforting.
Believe me.
Can I get you something?
Maybe a cookie, popcorn,
a little Prozac, dear?
I'm fine.
So this is your brother.
Jesus Christ.
Wow. Same parents?
- Can I keep this?
- Yeah, I suppose so.
I might have to wear this
in a locket.
How much is this gonna cost me?
A hundred and fifty a day,
plus expenses.
Now I know
I made a mistake.
No, come on.
Don't club me
with the dramatics.
I've got a half-price sale
this week on missing brothers.
How's that?
Okay.
One sec.
Hello. Guttman Investigations.
You've got Guttman.
What the fuck are you doing
calling me here?
For Christ's sake,
what do you want now?
You're reminding me why
being married to you drove me
to the brink of homosexuality.
I'm not hiding out on you!
Business has been dreck!
I don't care what
your slimebag lawyer says,
I'm not holding out on you!
Don't you get it?
You cleaned me out.
You're a high colonic
in a dress!
What a sleaze.
I gotta go.
Fuck you.
Hey, where you goin'?
Somethin' spook you?
No, I'm fine. Don't worry.
I will pay you for your time.
I don't want paid for my time.
I want paid for helping you.
Like it or not, Katherine,
I'm all you've got.
I'm gonna win this one
for you, honey.
And you.
You just couldn't possibly
get any cooler, could you?
Excuse me?
I am Rafe Guttman.
Guttman Investigations.
There's my card.
Nice card, Rafe.
Let me give you a hand
with your card, Rafe.
All right.
Let me put that there for ya.
I'm considering the gauntlet
officially thrown, friend.
Yeah.
Listen, uh, you're Zeke,
aren't you?
I'm Zeke.
Zeke, I'm looking
for your friend, Caleb.
You seen him?
I don't know anyone
named Caleb, Rafe.
You don't know shot selection either.
You really gonna do that?
You really thinking of that?
You're gonna pot the cue ball, man.
Why don't you go to hell.
Why don't I get out of the way
of the shrapnel.
Goddamn it!
What did I tell ya?
What's happening, Tonto?
Your shot.
Are you still here, man?
I'm still here,
and that cue ball's still potted.
I see you boys both
have a nose thing.
Maybe you watch
a little too much QVC, huh?
That's quick.
Fuck you.
Consider me fucked.
What's next on the shit shot
agenda here for Zeke?
You cannot be serious.
Really, you should think about
putting the three in the...
Look.
- I don't know where Caleb is, all right?
- Uh-huh.
- Him and Reggie,
they went off to get laid.
- Long trip.
Why don't you get the fuck
outta my face, tiger?
I'm there for you, Zekey.
What about you, Stephen Hawking?
You seen Caleb?
You seen his girlfriend?
He ain't got no girlfriend.
No.
They went to a whorehouse.
Oh, you like whorehouses,
don't ya?
At this point in your life,
you're pretty much at peace
with having to pay for it.
Hey, you got an address
on that whorehouse?
Um, Bowmont, I think.
Bowmont?
You got a number for me?
Come on,
squeeze it out.
You are making
such progress.
I'm gonna get Nurse Ratched
to notch back on your dosage.
This is real cute.
I hate to break it up,
but I wanna play some pool here.
Shot number three.
Uh-huh.
- I don't know, man.
- Fuck off!
I'm telling you, man,
that's a bad, bad angle.
Oh!
Oh, asshole!
Jeez!
Six-pack in the side cleavage.
You know what?
Step outside.
You know, Zeke,
not right now.
Just not in the mood
for a blow job.
I gotta rock, kids.
Oh, Mrs. Johnson,
you were robust, vital.
That's the Mrs. Johnson
I'll remember.
Before the horrid ravaging
reduced her to the frail,
the emaciated,
worm-eaten thing...
that she became.
It's so fuckin' bright
in here.
Why do they need the lights on?
Let us pay tribute
to the Mrs. Johnson...
we all knew and loved.
She was a good woman.
Good.
A good three of them.
We shall always
remember her...
As a heavy weight
in our hearts.
Internment will follow
at the Mount Hope Cemetery...
in Hemmingford.
Wow.
She was a heavyweight.
Be a friend to Jesus.
It's good to have the Lord
as your friend.
God's light shines down
upon us all.
That's why I say,
"It's a beautiful day, isn't it?"
I don't mean
just 'cause it's sunny.
I mean... it is...
a beautiful day!
My friends,
a little while ago
I promised you all...
that we would change the world.
Yes, that we...
would make it ready
for the judgment day.
'Cause it's coming.
That's right. Yes.
Yes!
It's coming!
Yes, it is!
That's right.
Yes!
It's coming soon.
Hallelujah!
Well, now I can tell you all...
that the final battle
is upon us,
that the assault
on sin itself has begun.
And when the smoke clears,
is there a doubt
in any of your minds who...
will be the victor?
Yeah! Testify!
And you...
Do it, Jimmy!
You good people.
You, who are the guts
and the organs...
and the heart of the
Jimmy Current World Ministry,
you praise Him!
You will be the ones who will lead
the rest of the Lord's children to glory!
- Glory!
- That's right! I said glory!
Glory! Praise Him!
Yes! I said, "Glory!"
Glory!
Thanks, boys.
That was amazing, J.C.
Thank you, darlin'.
Bless you.
Reverend?
I have those construction plans
for you to see.
Brother Vincent,
I'll look at them
in my office.
And you tell that
TelePrompTer operator,
he loses me again,
I'm gonna fire his butt.
Lord bless you
and keep you.
Lord bless you and keep you.
You got some figures for me?
Yes, I do.
For under $5 million, we can
have a Lord's Shopping Network
on air by the end of the year.
I will have all
the product tie-ins
for you by next week.
That's incredible, Katherine.
You're incredible.
Thank you.
Katherine.
Hi.
This is Rafe Guttman.
He's the man I hired...
to help me
find my brother.
Have you found him yet?
Sorry, Rev,
I'm on her dime, not yours.
Oh, I don't have any secrets
from J.C. It's fine.
That's all right.
I got a ton of work
on my desk.
Good to meet you,
Mr. Gutten.
Well, he just radiates
a Christlike glow, doesn't he?
Nice place, Katherine.
Sort of like Superman's
dad's joint on Krypton.
Mr. Guttman, have you
found my brother yet?
I haven't made contact,
but I did get a lead on him.
He and a friend of his evidently
went to a local whorehouse.
- A whorehouse?
- A house inhabited by whores.
Okay. Well, I figured it
would be something like that.
Thank you for your time.
My checkbook's in my office.
I'll be right back.
You know,
I've not nearly finished
my investigation.
If that's where he is,
I'd rather not
know about it.
What is it with these religiosos
that makes 'em so uptight?
That's a shame too
'cause she was hot.
Really hot.
As women of God go,
she was ungodly.
You could
always convert.
No, man.
That old-time religion
and sex just don't mix.
Unless, of course,
you're a Catholic priest.
Sex.
You lookin' for sex?
Well, Hop along
chimin' in over there.
I might be.
But throw a Bic lighter
on that burger first.
It's still mooin'.
Didn't I see you
at the funeral today?
I know a place
not too far from here...
where you can get the best
goddamn piece of ass...
in the whole goddamn world.
They got girls that'll do things
there aren't even names for.
You know, you make it sound
really enticing.
Ask for the Cunningham wake.
All right. Thank you.
You loosen that headband, okay?
Oh, you look very lovely
tonight, Mrs. Factor.
We're going to have
some wild games tonight.
And I want you
to know something,
Mrs. Factor.
I'm very proud and happy
to have you on my slab.
Whoo!
Lovely perfume.
Who is that?
- Yes?
- I'm here for the Cunningham wake.
I'm afraid the wake
is closed tonight.
Come back tomorrow.
I, uh, really must
pay my respects right now.
Then I suggest
you come back tomorrow.
Maybe you don't understand me.
- I'm feeling excruciatingly sad.
- I'm so sorry.
If I don't grieve right now,
maybe even grieve two or three times,
I'm gonna go out of my mind, okay?
I suggest that you go mourn...
somewhere in private
with a box of tissues.
What else did Vincent tell you?
He told me that you took
good care of the girls...
and that you offer
some kind of benefits.
Is that true?
There's never any peace.
Hi, I'm here...
The wake is closed tonight,
you little shit.
Come back tomorrow.
But... But I...
I'm coming to you,
Mrs. Factor.
McCutcheon!
McCutcheon?
Ooh! Deadly.
McCutcheon!
Wow. Hey, guys, lookin' for a scalpel
for a friend's birthday present.
Seen a salesperson?
No? Okay.
Stealin'
from the dead, huh?
What the hell?
So we have our sunrise
symbolizing faith...
and the dove
symbolizing good value.
Of course, once we animate it,
the dove will appear to fly
straight into camera.
I like it.
It's simple, clean.
And tasteful.
Don't forget tasteful.
Sorry to disturb you,
but I have something
you should see.
I thought you said
Mr. Guttman had finished
his investigation.
He has finished.
Mr. Guttman...
Mr. Guttman...
your job is done.
Now, if you don't leave,
I'll be forced
to have you removed.
Fine. Katherine, you should
really take a look at that.
Take care, you two.
Mr. Guttman.
Yes, Miss Verdoux?
Where did you find this?
I found that
at the McCutcheon
Mortuary,
which also happens to be
the McCutcheon Brothel,
where young men
gather to get stiff
amongst the stiffs.
Unfortunately,
most of them end up getting
ripped off or even worse.
Why am I telling you that for?
Like you care.
Are you sure about this?
Maybe we should
call the police.
"We"?
Oh, I'm back
on the team now.
Christ, you're so nervous.
You gotta listen to me.
I'm gonna try to be
as discreet as I can, all right?
As far as going to the police,
until we have something solid,
that's a mistake.
I'm staking out
the mortuary tonight.
You have to trust me, okay?
Hey! Hey!
Captain Moped, wait up!
Hey, hey,
what's happenin',
wild thing?
You're lookin' cool tonight.
You must know Mickey Rourke.
Mind if I ask you
a few questions?
Here's my card.
My name is Rafe Guttman.
I'm-I'm out of cards.
Oh. Here to try
your luck again?
I've got good news for you,
but I'm afraid there's only room for one.
This way, young man.
Sorry, kid.
Hey, wait a second!
You'll wait right here.
You got me?
So this is my pathway
to paradise, huh?
Oh, yes.
And the girls
are waiting for you.
Ah, the girls.
Let them eat a guy named Cake.
They also like crumpet too.
Guess where you've
just landed, lover?
Uh, Larry Flynt's id?
Vegetarian.
Another vegetarian.
I hate vegetarians.
Here, baby,
this Bud's for you.
Mm-hmm.
Yummy.
We have a little problem
upstairs, I'm afraid.
Mr. Jenkins...
I understand
you have a problem.
I can't take it anymore.
Well, have you been
wearing sun block?
You know the sun is very hard
on undead skin.
And you're not even
fully undead yet.
It's a process.
I don't care what it is.
It hurts.
Men.
Such big babies.
Yeah, I just love a man
who gives you head...
and lets you keep it.
Lucy, I'm home.
Tammy, I love
what you've done with it.
Maybe I would hang a picture
of dogs playing poker over there.
But that would be
my only quibble.
Take off your clothes, worm.
What's that?
Medieval foreplay?
Tamara, maybe
I'm a traditionalist,
but I've always thought
it should be ladies before worms.
So... you first.
You are not gonna
believe this,
but I almost
wore that tonight.
Wouldn't we have been
mortified?
Now it's your turn.
All right.
Leave your shirt on!
A little early to be repulsed,
isn't it?
I thought
it was a cross.
Let me take it off.
Be gentle.
I used to be a virgin... I think.
Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow.
Take it easy.
Easy.
Pull back on the stick,
Amelia.
You know, the weave
isn't even paid for yet.
Now, what about this funky
little Barcalounger?
Break this down for me.
Well, first
I'd strap in one hand.
Yeah? Like this?
Yeah.
Then...
I presume,
the other hand goes there.
Right?
You comfy?
Uh-huh.
Mm-hmm.
I hate
to be a painful party pooper,
but I gotta split, okay?
You have been
a super little host.
You bastard!
Huh. There's always
something going on.
Men. Always leaving
something behind.
I really am sorry.
Mmm.
I don't know
what happened.
One minute I thought I had him,
and the next...
I knew it.
It's one in a million.
Very rare, this blood type.
And I haven't tasted that
since... Ivan the Terrible.
That was
four centuries ago.
Hmm.
Mmm.
Oh, we gotta keep him alive.
Who the hell
are you?
The name's Lilith.
You left this behind.
It's not very nice to leave
a girl hanging like that.
I'll have to apologize
next time I see her.
I didn't mean her.
I meant me.
You know, I saw you
back at the house.
And when I did,
I knew you were special.
I'll bet you say that
to all the boys.
Yeah, but with you I mean it.
Listen, uh, Lilith,
I'm reasonably sure...
you're the type of woman
who's never heard
the expression "half-cocked,"
but that is exactly
what this gun is,
and I swear I'll use it.
You wouldn't shoot these,
now would you?
Go on. You can touch 'em.
I'll let you.
I'm not gonna tell you
those aren't the breasts of the century,
but I'm just not
diggin' the owner.
So why don't you put those away?
You're not my type.
So what is your type?
Don't tell me. Let me guess.
Two, four, six, eight!
You can watch me masturbate!
Getting warmer?
No?
Mmm, then how about
something... like this?
Ooh.
Ooh.
Can I tell you
something, Rafe?
Yeah.
When you were looking
at me before,
Mm-hmm.
I liked it.
I can't stop
thinking about you.
I can be just like her
if that's what you want.
I'd do anything for you, lover.
Rafe? Hello?
Oh, my God.
I'm sorry.
Katherine.
Forget it, Rafe.
I'm going to the cops.
How do I know
it's a whorehouse?
- I was there. How's that?
- Isn't that interesting.
As I recall, your private
investigator's license was
suspended almost a year ago.
Were you aware of that, ma'am?
- No... I wasn't.
- Well, thank you.
And could you possibly get just a little
of that fuckin' stew inside your head?
Huh?
Could we shoot for that?
It's a license. It's paper.
It doesn't matter. Come on.
And the check for your
license renewal bounced.
For Christ's sake, man,
there are people dying!
Isn't that more important
than my secretarial skills?
I didn't even know her
when I went there!
I was there as an everyday,
horny citizen, all right?
- Did you give this man money?
- You're fuckin' clueless.
Hmm. Well, seems to me...
the only person I should be
throwin' in jail is you.
Listen to me,
shit-for-brains...
Excuse me.
Deputy, I don't know
what to believe
at this point.
I know that you have
a lot of cases ahead of mine,
but Mr. Guttman did find this
at the mortuary.
It's my brother's.
Hmm.
Try not to eat it, Mongo.
I apologize for gettin' you
out of bed at this hour.
That's okay, officer.
What exactly was it
the gentleman said
happened here?
Don't give me
that shit, Karloff.
What'd I tell you, kids?
Right there.
A coffin.
Uh-huh.
It's pretty suspicious
for a mortuary.
Noonan, you don't
wear irony very well.
Why don't you leave that
to the big boys?
Now watch what happens
when I pull this.
Watch this.
You stupid son of a bitch!
What the hell do you think
you're doing?
What happens, Barney Fife,
is the conveyor belt goes
all the way through the fire,
empties out into a room
down in the basement.
My God, that coffin cost me
more than a thousand dollars.
Look at little Olivier!
You are so utterly
full of shit.
Uh-huh.
Careful you don't
burn yourself on it now.
I'm sorry
to have bothered you.
That's all right, officer.
Noonan, come on.
This is the entrance
to the whorehouse.
They knew I was comin' back
so they changed it.
They're gaslighting me.
Why the hell should I
want you to come back?
We've already thrown you out
of the parking lot tonight.
He was carrying on
with some woman in his car.
Disgusting!
The two of them
stoned out of their minds.
You're a goddamn liar.
Ow! Ow!
Don't you dare
take the Lord's name in vain!
You were with a woman tonight
and have been drinking.
We can all smell it.
- Katherine...
- You know, you almost
had me believing you.
It would have served me right
for getting involved with a liar.
And a fornicator.
And an asshole.
But a charming asshole!
Hmm. Nice butt.
- You want me to finish him?
- No, I don't think
he'll bother us anymore.
Besides, you and me
have to talk.
About what?
Our future,
without the reverend.
If I were in charge here,
we'd have lots more fun.
You can't tell me you're
having fun working for the rev.
Plus, we're making
so much money
selling the cars.
Seems a shame
to give it to charity
when we could...
give it to someone
more deserving.
I'll make it happen
if you give me the key.
- How are things?
- Good. Good.
The girls are killing sinners
by the truckload.
The more...
The merrier.
J.C., I'd like to talk to you
about what I'm getting
from this bordello thing.
Brother Vincent,
we're doing this for the Lord.
That's what you're getting from it.
I know that,
but I was thinking,
if there was some way I could
make a little extra money.
Maybe I could make...
Brother Vincent,
am I hearing you right?
Sorry, J.C.
Bad idea.
Didn't know what
I was thinkin'.
Just forget
the whole thing.
#You know
my soul looked back #
# Soul looked back #
This thing gonna work?
Absolutely.
Go.
Stop, Satan!
Stop right where you are!
I'm sending you back
to the fiery depths
where you belong!
I said...
I'm sending you back
to the fiery depths...
Cut! What the hell...
Cut it!
Just... God.
Look what he's done
to my guitar.
What's he trying to do,
kill me?
We'll fix it, J.C.
Don't you worry.
You can wait in your office
while we reset everything.
Fine.
That was scary.
I'll say. I don't know why
they have that laserlight
turned up so high.
It could have hurt someone.
Good Lord!
All he has to do is
reflect it onto the devil.
Bunch of morons.
Whatever has happened
to your brother,
I'm sure Satan had a hand in it.
Was there something else
you wanted to talk about?
I'd like to make a documentary.
Really?
About?
Lust.
I want to warn young people
about all the things that inspire it.
You know, like strip joints
and dirty magazines, pornography.
What else can I say, but...
onward, Christian soldier.
Be careful.
"Flesh Eating Bacteria"?
The cat went from 280 pounds
to 114 pounds in three days?
What's wrong
with this picture?
Oh, Brother Vincent,
I was just looking for you.
Where you going?
I have a doctor's appointment.
You're so right,
Vincent.
We should definitely expand
into places like this.
I want that one
for myself.
Hi.
Vincent.
J.C.
Relax, sugar.
What the hell
is goin' on?
Game's over, Rev.
I'm drivin' now.
You vile, pernicious,
disgusting little harlot.
You're not so bad yourself.
I did not bring you here
for the purpose of feeding
your evil desires!
We are doing
the Lord's work.
Vincent...
give me the key.
No, Vincent.
Vincent!
Give me the key!
Hey, Rev, how'd you like to have
a real religious experience?
- Hey!
- Katherine Verdoux,
Current World Ministries.
Jonas, follow me.
Oh, my God!
Don't touch
the camera.
Excuse me, sir.
Can you please tell me
why you come here?
This place
is unbelievable.
Hi, sweetie.
You really get around,
don't you?
You're into prostitution
and strip joints.
Mm-hmm.
You're a total sex maniac.
You need professional help.
You want to play doctor?
- Get your hands off of me!
- Gimme the camera!
Oh, man.
Bingo. All right, boys,
big smiles now.
Beautiful.
Love it.
For God's sake, Vincent,
you are flirting
with eternal damnation!
Why don't you relax?
I bet that stick up your ass
hurts like hell.
I can't decide
what to do with you.
Should I kill you
or let you live
and make you my dog?
Vincent.
Vincent, give me the key.
Please. The key.
- For God's sake, hurry!
- You leave that thing
right where it is.
- Give me the key!
- Vincent.
Give it to me, and I will send this
demon slut back where she belongs!
Vincent,
what are you doing?
What I should have done
from the start.
No!
Thanks, honey.
Do us both a favor.
Kill him!
Fuck, no.
I want to let him live.
I want this sanctimonious shit
to watch what happens
now that I'm free.
- Katherine?
- How did you get in here?
Katherine, I have something
I have to show you.
You don't give up, do you?
It's like a sickness
with you or something.
I went to the Mount Hope
Cemetery last night.
The McCutcheon Mortuary held
an internment there yesterday.
I took some photos.
These photos are the contents
of the coffin they interred.
I think you're gonna
want to look at 'em.
Just take a look.
That's very nice.
You're worse than I thought.
You are really sick.
There were two bodies
in that coffin
when I took the pictures.
Two bodies.
Get your fuckin' hands off me.
Sure.
At least come to the cemetery,
for Christ's sake! Take a look!
Sorry, Jonas.
Excuse me, sir.
Can you please tell me
why you come here?
There was a woman
at that table, wasn't there?
You're into prostitution...
I wasn't talking to myself.
I know there was somebody
at that table. Oh, my God.
Look, there's J.C.
Where?
I don't see him.
Right there!
Well, I'll be damned.
There he is
with the demented Ewok,
Professor Loveless.
You know, Katie Scarlett,
never...
trust any man of God
with a boner.
I mean an erection.
Sorry.
No, boner's the right word.
Wow.
What is he doing there?
It doesn't make any sense.
Let's get our facts
in order.
We have Reverend Current
leaving a topless bar.
That's an odd one.
And we have photos
and videotape with people
who didn't photograph or record.
Follow that thread
of thinking.
Did not photograph.
Did not record.
I don't want you to flee.
I'm gonna advance a weird,
Duchovnyan riff.
What if what we're
dealing with here...
is, in fact... vampires?
Are you crazy?
Why is that crazy?
Because I advance the theory
that the perpetrator
of our crimes...
is an eternal spirit who
sustains itself solely...
through the intake of human
hemoglobin through a set
of protracted fangs?
Shut up, Rafe.
Although... you have been right
about a lot of other things.
Wow.
Were you being nice
to me there, Katherine?
No. I just said you have been right
about a lot of other things.
Okay.
Hello.
Katherine, is that you?
Caleb?
It's Caleb.
I need your help.
I'm in trouble.
Where are you?
I'm at the old power plant
on the south side.
They're coming for me.
You gotta help me. Please.
I'm in trouble.
They're coming for me.
Hurry. Hurry!
Katherine, I'm not complaining,
but I wish your brother would
have picked a less creepy place.
I feel like I'm in a bad
Tales from the Crypt episode.
Sorry.
I had Mexican for lunch.
Next time I'll ask him
to be more considerate.
Caleb!
Come on.
Caleb!
Where are you? God.
I think it's really sweet
you wanna find your brother,
but we should split.
I'm getting some really bad
juju off this place.
Katherine.
Oh, my God.
Here, hold this.
Is he dead?
Is he breathing?
Hey, baby, don't touch me
unless you love me!
Come on, dude, let's party.
- Rafe, no!
- Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!
Sorry, Katherine,
but that wasn't
your brother anymore.
Wrong! I'll always
be your brother... sis.
Katherine,
run from your brother.
Hurry!
I am.
Hurry!
I am!
Katherine,
I'm coming for you.
I like this.
See the ladder? Up.
Katherine.
- Katherine? Katherine?
- Shit. We're screwed.
Let's go back.
No, no, wait a minute.
I see a way.
What do you mean?
Jesus Christ, Katherine,
what are you doing?
Come on!
It's the fucking Grand Canyon!
- Just shut up and follow me!
- What are you doing with that chain?
That is the craziest
fuckin' thing I have ever...
Hi, dickhead.
That is the second craziest
fuckin' thing...
This is a mistake!
Have a little
chloroform, darling.
Too bad.
It's about fuckin' time!
I've gone to hell,
and it's worse than I imagined.
Noonan, where am I?
Where's Katherine?
Now, don't you start
with that bullshit.
She was at the factory.
McCutcheon had her.
And that guy who worked
for Current was there.
And her brother.
What is this shit?
Get me outta here.
Why don't you shut up?
Do you hear me, thumb dick?
They've got Katherine!
Now get me outta here!
Nurse! Nurse!
Still causing trouble, is he?
Officer, would you mind helping me?
Listen, if we don't
stop these things,
they're gonna
destroy the city.
Listen, you fat fuck...
Tammy.
Remind me, Tammy.
Why do vampires hate sunrise?
No. Oh, no. Oh, no!
Oh, no!
You want to keep it down?
I'm trying to rest!
I knew I should have
taken that private room.
Caleb, please let me go.
Sorry, no can do.
I gotta play by the rules here.
I know how you feel.
I didn't want to be a vampire either.
At first.
But after you get used to it...
it's pretty damn cool!
Besides, you know me.
I've always been a night owl.
And getting to live forever
doesn't hurt either, does it?
You got that right.
Before we get down to business, darling,
I'm gonna take you for a test ride.
Oh, sis, can I watch?
Ah, first customer of the night.
What the hell
do you want?
I'm here to see Lilith.
I know I can't fight you all,
so I've come to join you.
- Is that right?
I'll be sure to tell her.
- No.
No, I want to tell her myself.
Come on, Jimmy, I know you
a little better than that.
Into the parlor,
Reverend, sir.
Get your filthy hands
off of me!
Feisty.
I like that.
I like that
even better.
Mmm!
Don't touch me.
Very nice.
You're disgusting.
Breasts are always nice.
But I prefer...
Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.
Ooh!
I guess this is the end
of a beautiful relationship.
Oh, shit.
What's happenin', Rev?
Come on, man, talk to me!
I'm jumpy! Friend or foe?
For God's sake,
I am responsible for all this,
but I've come to end it.
All right, all right.
I'll give you this.
It's holy water, man.
This might work for the others,
but it won't do a lick of good
against Lilith.
No, to get her, we're gonna
have to get in real close.
We're gonna have to put
a stake in Lilith?
I'm telling you that to kill her,
we're gonna have
to cut her heart
into four pieces.
Some chicks demand
special attention.
Let's do it.
Ready, padre?
Yep.
Just like
Hope and Crosby.
Last call, Miss Kitty.
Cha-ching!
All right, Rev!
You're a freak for it, Jimmy!
My God, what have we done?
Don't flake on me.
They're vampires.
Send them to hell.
Katherine?
Howdy, honey.
You are outta here!
Oh, shit!
This sucks.
Katherine!
Help! Hurry!
Before Lilith comes back!
Katherine, it's me.
It's me, J.C.
Now, don't you worry.
I'm gonna get you outta here.
Just give me a second
while I undo these straps.
I'm sorry if I touch you
somewhere I shouldn't.
It's okay, J.C.
You can touch me.
You can touch me anywhere you want.
Fuck you.
Katherine!
Where's Katherine?
Katherine!
Christ, you're so pale.
Are you okay?
I'm fine. Hurry.
Wait, wait, wait.
What are you doing?
Just checking
for punctures.
Can't be too sure.
Come on!
Oh, my God.
You gotta...
You gotta hurry.
Go... Go back to the studio.
Broadcast.
Tell the...
world.
All you have to do is
point the camera at me
and keep it in focus.
- Tell Jonas to start
the uplink and go.
- Okay, you got it.
We'll have uplink in...
We'll go in 30 seconds.
Okay.
What the hell...
Katherine?
Jonas, what the hell
are you doing?
- I'm not doing anything, man.
- Katherine.
Rafe, tell Jonas to turn it off.
I don't think he can hear us.
I heard her, I heard her!
- What now?
- So long.
Jonas, can you hear me?
Jonas, are you there?
Can you hear me?
I'm coming up there.
Rafe! Hello?
What's going on?
Jonas!
Honey, Jonas doesn't
work here anymore.
I retired him.
Ooh! Pretty strong
for a little guy.
So you wanna fuck?
Lilith, I'd rather Crazy Glue my dick
to the bullet train than fuck you.
How's that?
Trying to impress your girlfriend?
I'm gonna fix that now.
Shit. Katherine.
Katherine!
Katherine, get out now!
Katherine, she's coming!
Oh, my God.
Katherine!
I'm afraid God can't help you.
How am I doin', lover?
You gettin' hot?
I thought we could
work this thing out.
You could have his mind,
and I could have his body.
I guess I was wrong.
Face it,
the best you can hope for
is a charity fuck!
You know, I've never
killed a woman before,
but I'm kind of
looking forward to it.
Rafe!
No. No.
I guess Reverend Limpdick
forgot to tell you.
- Shit!
- You can tear my heart to pieces,
but it won't do any good
if it's still here.
Fuck!
- Come on, Lilith.
You're holding in a lot of anger.
You gotta see a vampire shrink.
Come on. Lilith.
- Can't we talk about this?
- As far as I'm concerned,
you and I are through.
Lilith. Lilith, baby.
I want you to know
I'm not happy.
I didn't mean it!
I didn't mean it about the bullet train.
Can't we talk about this?
- Please?
- Sure. After.
Come on.
Baby. Snookums.
I'm through
talking now, baby.
First I'll rip
your dick off,
then I'm gonna grind your balls
into guacamole.
Heartless bitch.
That should do the trick.
When I consecrate a vampire,
they stay consecrated.
Thank you, Rabbi.
Does this go with my shirt?
It's lovely.
Katherine, I don't want
to beat a dead vampire here,
but I really want
to thank you for coming
to my rescue back there.
That's okay, you can beat it
some more if you want to.
What was that?
A little comeback?
That's so sweet.
Good for you.
Let's say
I owe you one.
No, you don't.
I had my own reasons
for saving you.
And a come-on too.
Am I hearing this?
Is this a whole new
Katherine emerging?
Maybe. I don't know.
You think you can learn
to love me like this?
Well, I'm certainly
willing to give it
the old college try.
After you.
Oh, well, thank you.
I'll put that in my satanic
bric-a-brac collection.
I have a friend at NASA.
We're gonna send that
damn thing into space.
Well, we could do that...
I suppose.
You have a better idea?
Mm-hmm.
What's that perfume
you're wearing?
It's not perfume.
It's sun block.
Well, kiddies,
I guess Katherine
learned in the end...
that the fastest way
to a man's heart
is through his rib cage.
Still, I think they make
a fabulous couple.
They're a regular
Romeo and Ghouliet.
And when they do have
the occasional disagreement,
at least now she'll know
what's eating him.
She is!
Looks like I won.
What are you talking about,
dear boy?
Come on.
Let's play again.
Huh?
Double or nothing.
Take my advice, pal.
Quit while you're "a head."