So I get Invlted to thls college reunlon.
It was a fucklng crche.
Everyone married or divorced, pissed.
Crying their eyes out
about their love lives and things.
Someone's got all these
old photographs of us.
I get this one. Have a look.
Maureen Docherty, my first girlfriend.
Little Mo Docherty.
I get this huge pang.
Suddenly it becomes clear.
I still love her.
I'm off my head, which helps, but...
Very lovable.
I ask a few questions, find out
where she is. Someone says London.
Here I am. Going to find her,
phone her up and marry her.
Frankly, I'm not getting any younger, am I?
That simple, is it?
Not really, no.
I jilted her.
Sort of.
She'll be looking forward
to seeing you then.
- Turn that off. It's driving me nuts.
- That's my theme tune, man.
- Did you remember the chloroform?
- What am I?
Let's see it. Come on, let's see it.
Have a whiff of that, bastard.
What the fuck are you doing?
Pick it up! Jesus!
It rolled under the seat.
You shoved it out of my hand, you twat.
Open your window, will you?
I can feel it. It's your side.
You got it? It's your side.
Cab to Wapping, please.
That guy'll take you in a few minutes.
If you want to take a seat.
Kismet cabs. We do.
Fine, we go there.
Telephone number?
All right, I'll send one round. Bye.
- What is a misogynist?
- You.
I know that, but what does it mean?
A man who hates women.
A misogamist is someone
who hates marriage.
A misanthrope hates everybody else.
And a malcontent is just never happy.
A man who hates women?
I don't hate women.
Who called you that?
Someone call you that?
Yeah.
- The one with the overbite?
- She's just got a big chin.
- The jowly one from Gypsy Hill?
- She ain't jowly, mate.
Funny thing is, there isn't
an equivalent word for misogynist.
There isn't a word
for women who hate men.
Not a specific word like there is for us.
Have you ever heard anyone
say that word?
No.
As if women can't be sexist.
I respect women.
Don't get me wrong, so do I.
Aye, aye.
Furry triangles. 9:00.
No, what did you say?
You didn't?
No, you didn't?
Touch. Listen, I better go.
Bye. See you.
Do we dance or what? It was your idea.
Is it like a tango?
Suzy's phone. It's salsa.
Hello, darling. How are you?
Thursday? Yeah, could do.
Who? Is he?
All right. Listen, I'd better go.
Bye. See you.
Salsa? Don't answer that.
Suzy's phone. Hello, Steve...
Here we go.
- Ray!
- Sorry, man. Where?
Go, man. Go.
Shit! Come on!
You're joking!
Ray! You little prick!
Good style.
Forwards again.
She did actually. She just rang.
Can I ring you back?
I'm on a date.
He does actually.
Switch it off.
Don't do it. Don't answer it, Suzy.
Don't answer it. Don't!
Suzy's phone.
It's Cath, you'll never guess who...
How are you doing? What's going on?
Shit.
Me? No, I'm just watching.
You'll never learn if you don't try.
- It's my neck, you see.
- Sorry.
Mo!
What are you doing later?
Must be someone here
you haven't slept with.
You're right.
I've slept with all three of you.
And you were all fantastic.
Except one.
The problem with the neck is
it directs the main sensory organs.
So you twisted your neck?
Although, having said that, we have less
need for a neck than most other animals.
We live by our hands more than our ears.
On the other hand, our highly developed
stereoscopic vision requires a mobile neck.
Did you know that
the human embryo has gills?
We start out with gills. All of us.
Thanks for the dance.
One, two, three...
So you chucked the band in just like that?
- Will this be all right here?
- Yeah.
You think you'll just bump into her
in London?
You know, make a few calls.
Made a list of all her favorite things,
a list of her mates and stuff.
She liked bloody marys.
That'll help.
And roller-skating.
- This is eight years ago, right?
- And the Elgin Marbles, British Museum.
So you might find her roller-skating round
the Elgin Marbles, drinking a bloody mary.
You never know, do you?
You're quite a wiz at the old salsa.
Sorry, you're not my usual type.
What's your usual type then?
Tall, dark, handsome.
I'm sorry, but I usually go for
symmetrical faces, and...
No offence,
but you don't have a symmetrical face...
...and I don't have time to waste.
Do you want to share a taxi?
- Are you going north?
- West. Not far.
- I'm northwest.
- I'm southwest.
- I'm sort of south of northwest.
- You really do fancy me, don't you?
- You going to stay for the close?
- I'm not sure.
Should have seen the dance teacher.
I've got her phone number here.
Dark, South Amerlcan, probably.
Sex on legs.
I tell you what, we need another MO.
That stuff's fucking dangerous.
What the hell is
"an absentee grave-tender"?
Can you hold one sec? Thank you.
Kismet Cabs.
So, what do you do?
I restore paintings at the Institute.
I run an "easy listening" place.
Very small, select.
I'm bisexual.
That's okay. So am I.
I'm not really.
Just thought I should say that.
Seems that every woman
I meet these days is bisexual.
I'm amazed the price of courgettes
hasn't gone through the roof.
My ex-wife was bisexual.
They say that Dean Martin was bisexual.
I don't believe that.
Vic Damone, maybe...
You take the first cab.
Right.
Good night?
Bit of a drink, bit of a dance, the usual.
No decent men there then?
Decent men? Are you trying to be funny?
There is a theory that it's just smell.
You're unconsciously drawn
to someone else 'cause of their smell.
It registers in your subconscious.
So, I'm just waiting for the right smell?
I know. It's just a theory.
Do you want to come up,
have a drink? Whatever.
- Whatever?
- Okay, a shag then.
Married.
What she doesn't know won't hurt her.
It'll hurt me.
- Are you in?
- Will you piss off, Frankie?
Think I'm made of money?
There's radiators on all over the place.
Will you close the fucking door?
All right, pal?
Mo Docherty!
What are you doing, Fergus?
There are other ways of getting in touch.
Come inside. You need some sleep.
Loved Ones, Ltd., how can I help?
That doesn't happen to be the sexy dance
teacher from the salsa club by any chance?
Sorry, who's this?
This is the extra man from last night.
I just wanted to tell you that you dance
the sexiest salsa I've ever seen.
Well, thanks.
I'm not that good, but thanks very much.
I'm new to it actually.
Could've fooled me.
Listen, I found a purse outside the club...
...I think it may belong to you.
My purse! You found my purse?
That's fantastlc, thank you.
Any chance we can meet up
and I'll give you it back?
That would be great.
Thanks. When?
Kitchen's mine between 8:00 and 9:00.
I need an espresso, honey.
And my bedroom's off limits.
We both have to live here
until we sell the place, okay?
We'll never sell it, it's sinking. It's fucked.
Now a broad with any class
would never use that type of language.
Abroad's where you go on holiday.
- Why don't you move in with the mook?
- So now he's a mook?
Last week he was a putz.
Why don't you move out?
- This is my house.
- It's my house, too.
- He's got his own place.
- So have I.
That's just fine then.
So will you get out of the kitchen?
I'm having a cup of coffee, so piss off!
We used to be married and happy.
I didn't get us here.
It's not my fault!
Would you say, knowing me as you do,
that I had a fear of intimacy?
Who said that? Her with the big chin
from Gypsy Hill again?
I don't have a problem with intimacy.
Let me explain something to you
about women.
They're a wonderful dichotomy.
For instance: blowjobs.
What's that all about?
What pleasure
does a woman get out of that?
- What?
- Do you think they really enjoy it?
De-cheesing a meat and two veg.
To tell you the truth,
I've never thought about it.
I have. I've thought about it a lot.
They don't. How could they?
It's not a thing of beauty, let's face it.
So when a woman says to you:
"What a beautiful cock," she's lying.
Who's she lying to? Herself.
Maybe you do have a beautiful cock.
I can't say.
I suspect it looks like mine and I know
for a fact that mine's no oil painting.
- No one's ever said that to me.
- What?
- The part you said.
- What part?
The "what a beautiful" part.
What I'm getting at is they only think
they like it because they know we like it.
I don't like it.
- You don't like it?
- No.
- Everybody likes it.
- I don't.
- You know what that is, don't you?
- What?
Fear of intimacy.
- Where to, my friend?
- British Museum.
Find your ex then, mate?
- Yeah. How's it going?
- Fine.
No, she likes the Elgin Marbles.
It's a bit of a long shot, but...
All the best. Think you'll recognize her?
I'll recognize her.
Fuck.
There you go.
Can't have one myself.
I would normally,
but I've got this terrible urinary infection.
Most likely be cystitis
or something like that.
What is it you do exactly?
I look after the graves
for people who can't.
People who've moved city or emigrated.
They hire people to tidy up the graves,
and fresh flowers, and you know.
That's a good racket.
I send them a Polaroid every month,
just to reassure them. Look.
These are my recent loved ones.
Davidson: Died suddenly.
I hate that, don't you? "Died suddenly."
McDermott, 34: Cancer of the tongue.
Family moved to Saskatchewan.
Robertson: He was a fair age,
but what a horrible way to die.
- How do you mean?
- He was on holiday in Wester Ross.
Swimming, sucked to death
by a basking shark.
What?
They don't have any teeth.
How long you got to wear that?
What? This?
I don't really.
It's just... I hate my neck.
I hate my hands.
And my legs and my nose and ears.
Especially my ears.
I'd be happy without them really.
I could have them surgically removed.
You can do that, you know.
They look fine to me.
I better get back to work.
Are you sure?
Maybe we could go to the pictures
or something?
I'm terrible at things like this,
going out with people.
I'm flattered, obviously,
but I'm just not interested in relationships.
What about tonight?
Do you fancy lunch today?
Yeah, okay.
You know what we should do?
Do you like dancing?
We should go dancing together.
What do you think?
I used to go clubbing a lot
with my ex-girlfriend.
She was a great dancer.
You never met her?
I don't think she came into the shop.
I tell you,
I've had a heavy heart since she left.
She was funny, smart.
You know something else?
I'll never meet a woman like that again.
Sexy, gorgeous...
I think about her constantly.
I just want her back, you know?
I wake up and first thing
I think about is her.
Her eyes, her laugh.
The way she moved.
They broke the mold with her.
One in a million. A real woman.
She had this touch...
-Who Is It?
- It's me, Dad. Eddie. Forgot my keys.
Eddle who?
It's me. Open the door.
Eddle's not In.
I'm Eddie.
You're Eddle? I'm Barney.
I've got a son called Eddle.
Is It hlm you want?
Good. There's some half-wit
on the phone for you.
Have you eaten?
Chips. I can smell chips.
Here.
You should phone my mobile.
If you need me,
you should phone my mobile.
It'd be easier if you took the glove off.
Jesus Christ! What happened?
I can't remember.
Come on, let's see.
They'll need stitches.
You weren't stood up.
- There was an accident with my old man.
- It's okay.
I like going to the pictures
on my own anyway.
That's the truth, honest.
It was really good.
It's about this blind composer...
...whose wife's dying
of Korsakoff's syndrome.
Right.
I'm just going to...
Think she believes me?
Do you ever listen to whale music?
Sorry?
I'd like to be a whale or a dolphin
'cause they've the greatest sex lives.
Whales, when they have sex,
have these little ridges...
...which are designed to interlink.
They raise out of the ocean
and come together in perfect unison...
...in a massive foaming eruption.
It's a perfect match.
It's like Sinatra and Nelson Riddle.
What are you trying to say?
Basically, would you like to get shagged?
Yes, I do, but not with you.
If you can't dance, you can't make love.
No rhythm, no passion.
What's your name again?
Wayne!
- Where are we going?
- Your place.
- What is gravltas?
- Noble bearing.
Would you say that I lack gravltas?
Why do you let women
speak to you like that?
It's that stroppy cow
with the overbite again, isn't it?
Have I got gravltas or what?
All men have it to a certain degree.
Some more than others.
Obviously I've got more than my fair share,
but I've got Roman blood.
Thing is though,
I can't be what she wants me to be.
Don't try. Why bother?
They always want what they can't have.
When they have it, they don't respect it.
So, where to?
British Museum.
British Museum?
You like the British Museum, do you?
Haven't been for a long time.
I like the Elgin Marbles.
What's all that?
Dla de Muertos.
What?
Dla de Muertos: The Day of the Dead.
It's in Mexico.
This is one of the masks.
Right.
It's the masks they wear
during Dla de Muertos.
It's actually two days.
I'd love to go to the Day of the Dead,
wouldn't you?
That's where they celebrate
their dead relatives.
Not like us. They celebrate death.
What's there to celebrate?
What do you want?
I've got a dead relative.
Not recently, it was a while ago.
The thing is,
we need somebody to look after his grave.
Any chance?
This isn't a relative of yours, is it?
You're lying, aren't you?
Yeah.
The thing is...
...I've got a crush on you.
It's more than a crush, it's a stampede.
I've got a stampede on you.
I'm sorry about last night.
I'm not usually obnoxious.
Well, I am sometimes.
You're a classy lady.
I don't normally meet classy ladies,
just broads.
This is Raphael's portrait
of the woman he loved.
La Fornarlna.
Actually, he painted her
over and over again.
She was the love of his life.
When he died,
she draped herself over his coffin...
...and wouldn't leave
until the Pope ordered her to.
Raphael was to be beatified...
...so he couldn't be seen
to have any earthly desires.
And their great love had to be denied.
I think that's very romantic.
She became a nun.
Spent the rest of her life
in severe contemplation.
Stupid cow.
Have you never been in love?
No.
Too much choice.
No, she was from Llverpool.
Her name's Maureen.
There's no need to be like that.
I'm only trying to find someone.
How old was she?
D-O-C-H-E-R-T-Y.
Hello, you don't know me, but...
She left when?
I'm looking for a Maureen Docherty.
I'm not selling anything. I just want
to know if you've got a Maureen.
I didn't order a cab, did I?
Try El Corazn, mate. It's a nightclub.
- Just a theory.
- What?
What?
Fergus here.
Fergus here.
You needn't go to all this trouble
for me, son.
It's not for you.
You're going to bingo with your pal Irene.
She's meeting you here.
Irene who?
Hello again.
Thanks for coming.
There you go. Back in a tick.
- Where's the chicken?
- I put it in the freezer.
What? But it was in the oven.
It'll go off.
- Can I help?
- Are you Irene?
No, everything's fine.
He's just leaving.
Going to come up to bingo, darling?
I don't cook much. Is it okay?
It's very nice.
It's amazing what you can get
from eating food, isn't it?
I mean, the diseases. It's just scary.
- What do you mean?
- Streptococcus.
Bacteria that grows like beads on a string.
One in 10 people carry it in their mouth.
It's like the things that create pus.
When you have an infection
and you get pus...
...if it gets into food and you cook it,
it just grows and grows.
Makes you sick as a pig.
Pus?
- Are we going to the bingo?
- Dad, this ain't Irene.
This is Jocelyn.
Chicken's the worst.
Salmonella, if you cook it from frozen.
- I'm sure you knew that, so...
- Don't eat that!
Punch me.
Punch me as hard as you like.
Like a rock, my stomach.
Just punch.
Go on, punch.
I punched him.
Snowball?
It's salsa they do in there, isn't it?
Are you any good then?
Tell you the truth, I'm only going
to get my hands on a very elegant lady.
She's a real ring-a-ding-ding, you know?
So what style is it then?
Cuban? Columbian?
What?
The tango is Argentinean,
the bossa nova is Brazilian.
The bamba is Puerto Rican.
You need to get your hips in there.
That's it.
- Let's do a few basics.
- Leave it out.
I thought you wanted to impress a lady.
I'll be the woman.
Okay.
On your left.
Back.
That's it.
Back. All right, now follow me.
Good. All right, now back the other way.
- That's it. Want to try a twirl?
- Yeah.
One, two, three...
Brilliant!
- One more?
- Yeah.
Natural.
- What?
- That was lame, man.
It's not easy.
The faster the music, the shorter the steps.
Want me to lie to you? It was terrible.
Come on.
Everybody up.
Are you dancing?
- What?
- Thought we should speak a bit of Spanish.
- I do speak a bit of Spanish. You don't.
- I don't?
That was Portuguese.
What does that mean?
"I'm not sure."
I'm going to ask you a question.
It's multiple choice.
Salt is "A," pepper is "B."
You don't even have to speak.
All you have to do is pick up "A" or "B."
"A" is yes, and that's the salt.
"B" is no, that's the pepper.
Got that?
Are you attracted to me?
In the sense that you like me,
and you want to see me.
Not romantically, in the romantic sense.
Maybe in the romantic sense,
in the sense that it could be romantic.
Meaning...
Is there any part of you
that feels something for me?
Is there any interest at all?
I mean anything?
Tonight I am elegant.
Tonight I am cool.
You ever see Ocean's Eleven?
Sammy Davis Jr. Says to Dean Martin:
"What would you do
if you had a million dollars?"
Dean says, "I would make all the women
in the world my slaves."
That's how I feel.
Tonight they are all my slaves.
Everybody okay in here?
I've just seen someone
I haven't seen for eight years.
Hi.
Remember me?
Fergus.
Mo, listen. I want to talk to you.
Can I stay at yours?
- You are kidding?
- On the couch.
- I've come all this way to see you.
- Taxi!
The night's still young.
A truck could come round that corner
and kill us right now.
Bus could blow a tire, head on collision.
A slate could fall off a roof and crash
through your windscreen. Instant death.
I can't stop thinking about these things.
Morbidity. That's what you've got.
Always imagining the worst.
Just forget about it.
Because you're absolutely right,
anything could happen.
You should live for the moment.
I just think about the consequences
of everything I do.
Don't you do that?
The consequences aren't always
what you think they're going to be.
That's the way I see it. So why worry?
Hang on a minute. This is mine.
You've put on the beef.
Been thinking about you a lot.
Haven't seen you on Top of the Pops yet.
The band split up.
They were compromising my sound,
bunch of wankers.
Remember when we...
Before you start that "remember when we"
crap, I slipped your mind for eight years.
Don't you think that's slightly insulting?
I loved the bones of you
and you broke my heart. Remember that?
It's taken me years
to get my self respect back.
You're not taking that away again.
See you in the morning.
Don't even think about any lobby creeping.
Another Cava?
Why not?
Keep the noise down. I'm trying to sleep.
You got any paracetamol anywhere?
The kitchen's mine. Get out!
I've got a splitting headache okay.
I'm sorry, I didn't realize he had a flatmate.
I'm not his flatmate, darling.
I'm his ex-wife.
Kitchen's mine! Out!
When I'm good and ready.
- Put your trousers on!
- We're not married!
We're separated,
but we live together, separately.
- Isn't that right?
- Lf you say so, yes.
What's the address here?
- You have a fight?
- Mind your own business.
It is my business. Look.
Faster!
I hate to tell you this,
but I think this place is haunted.
There's two little girls in Edwardian
dresses skipping in your living room.
It was like I was seeing them
through my eyelids. Really scary.
Couldn't sleep with you, could I?
Is that chemist open? Can you stop?
Your side. You'll have to tidy it up.
Are you all right? What are the pills?
Take me home.
- Tell me what the pills are first.
- St. John's fucking Wort. A fucking herb!
- You've been in this cab 10 times...
- No, I haven't.
Yes, you have.
10 or 12 times and I've noticed...
...not once have you ever
said a civil word to me.
I've noticed a lot about you, Eleanor.
Just driving you.
More than you think.
Feels like I know you.
You don't know me.
I know your surname is Conroy.
I know you don't drive.
I know you don't drink that much.
I know where you work.
I know what you do there.
I know what perfume you wear.
It's Chanel.
I know your favorite restaurant.
I know you like salsa.
I know you're Ionely.
I am not fucking Ionely.
I do not want to be in a relationship.
Is that so hard to understand?
Couples make me sick.
Eating off each other's plates,
finishing each other's sentences.
Pooling their resources.
In the dictionary, the word "love"
has more definitions than any other.
Fuck me over the hostess trolley,
you don't say?
- Okay, what's so great being on your own?
- Where do I start?
I don't have to tell them where
I am every minute of the day.
You don't have to listen to them
talking about their old girlfriends.
You can watch what you want on TV.
Pick your own friends.
You don't have to watch football
or hockey...
...or rugby or tennis or boxing
or Grand Prix racing...
They all come under sport.
Okay. You don't have to...
That it?
Tabasco.
Celery.
Fuck.
Fuck!
Fucking hell!
Milk?
I thought you'd remember I don't take milk.
Sugar?
Let's see if you can remember
how many I take.
How am I supposed to remember
how many sugars you take, you prick?
You just fucked off
and left me without a word. Nothing.
- All right, just relax.
- What are you doing here?
We don't know each other anymore.
You're a stranger to me.
All right.
Just because you've become
a born-again romantic, don't think I have.
I'm happy.
I just wanted to see you.
- Why?
- Because I know I made a mistake.
Not a month has gone by
that I didn't think about you.
A month?
Only once a month?
All right, a week.
I'm serious.
That's why I came looking for you.
You're the one, Mo.
You're my soul mate.
Beat it, Fergus,
before I really lose my temper.
- Come on...
- Go!
- Fucking thing!
- What have you done?
Good one.
Give us a knife. I'll wedge it open.
Just open the door and get out!
What do you think I'm trying to do?
Fuck this.
Takes a special kind of person to forgive.
It's a friend's flat. She's a friend.
- Why don't you phone her up?
- Give me her number then.
Close friend?
Two sugars, please.
What I'm after is big band night.
See where I'm going?
The Nelson Riddle, Richard Wess sound.
Take a standard, punch it up.
They had the sound: punchy, jazzy.
We're talking Sinatra, we're talking Darin.
We're talking class.
Target approaching.
- How much?
- I don't know. Wait.
It could be the full 300.
Just wait.
She's coming your way. Strike.
Shit.
I got a message from Frankie
to meet him here.
Could you give him these
and tell him I couldn't stay?
I'll tell him.
The fact that you can sing
L- O-V-E is touching.
It's touching...
...but it's not enough.
You live with your ex-wife.
You don't have any money.
You think you're Dean Martin's love child.
Really?
This is your last chance. I mean...
You're a classy broad,
but this is your last chance.
It's now or never.
I'm yours, but only right now.
It's up to you, baby.
That's a relief.
Bye.
What kept you?
Are you okay?
I think my boyfriend just tried to mug me.
Can't trust anybody these days.
He's not my boyfriend as such.
But you know him?
It was his eyes. They're brown.
A little mark in the left iris.
I saw you today.
I'm not Interested.
That's an understandable reaction,
but it'll pass.
See this man here? He jilted me.
We were going to get married
and he left me a week before the wedding.
- Didn't you?
- No.
Don't fucking lie!
All right, I did. I did it, all right?
Now he's trying to worm his way in again.
- What a sad prick.
- It was panic.
I wasn't ready. I did you a favor.
I'm a better person now.
- You could've talked to me.
- That's my point, I can talk now.
I was immature, a mere kid.
A mere wanker.
Stay!
May the love of God and the peace
of the Lord Jesus Christ...
...bless and console us...
And gently wipe every tear from our eyes.
Hello, Loved Ones, Ltd.
Hello, Jocelyn?
Jocelyn, are you there?
I'm a thief, that's what I do. I steal.
It's the only thing I'm good at.
I'm not even very good at that.
What?
You look good.
Say that to me later when I'm pissed.
You might be in with a chance.
Let's get married.
I'm serious.
What do you want most out of life?
I don't know.
A Grammy.
Wrong answer.
No, after you, obviously.
Obviously!
I never use physical violence, guns,
anything like that.
- Just chloroform.
- I am impressed.
I didn't know it was you.
That's good. It's so much better.
Fucking hell, everybody steals.
What?
If people didn't steal, the insurance
companies would go out of business.
Imagine what that'd do to the economy.
The stock market, pension funds... Chaos.
I'm providing a service. Think about it.
Everybody overcharges.
Everybody diddles tax.
Everybody steals. Everybody!
That ain't a good reason
not to go out with me.
- You should go out with me.
- Really?
I'd rather be dead.
Well, you might as well be.
All your friends are.
One, two, three.
Sorry.
Where are you going?
What's it to you?
We haven't danced yet.
It's okay. I'm fine. I'm over you.
So who wants to be dropped first?
Fun night, girls?
You married, Jimmy?
Married for years.
Happy?
We were very happy.
Were?
I lost her about two years ago.
So, why do you say you're still married?
Doesn't mean I'm not. I still love her.
So, is that her?
That's Ella. I took that.
It's beautiful.
You don't go out with other people then?
I'd be pretending.
People have to move on, don't they?
She'd hate you to be alone, wouldn't she?
I don't feel alone.
There's only so many people
you could love that way.
I don't expect it to happen again.
You! Shift.
Get out.
Any chance of a coffee?
Go on, darling,
make us some cheese on toast.
Just piss off, will you?
Just go.
Let me tell you something about women.
They're filthy.
Whatever preconception you may have had
of the fair sex, get rid of it.
They're filthy.
- I do know that.
- It's patently obvious you don't know that.
- It's obvious you haven't got a clue.
- I did know that.
Let me explain further.
Women don't fall in love.
They're too smart.
- They weigh stuff up. The pros, the cons.
- That I know.
Ever read The Selflsh Gene?
You should read that.
Women don't fall in love. It's not altruistic.
They're genetically designed
to look after number one.
It's all about mutual benefit.
Love doesn't exist, as we know it.
It's a myth.
You should read it.
I'd lend you my copy, but...
...it's mine.
I lied about the band.
They chucked me out.
Got someone younger,
some bloody androgyne.
I've never met anyone
that made me feel the way you do.
I regretted leaving you as soon as I did it.
I thought I'd be all rock 'n' roll.
I didn't want any complications.
You always take what's inside you
wherever you go, and I always took you.
I've changed.
If I was in a mad situation
or something made me laugh...
...things getting weird,
I'd imagine you were there.
Imagine the look on your face.
I'd talk to you.
Had some good laughs with you
when you weren't there.
I was ambitious for all the wrong things.
Now I'm just ambitious for the things
that should be easy.
Happiness, contentment, kids.
I've missed you so much.
I missed you.
If we did get back together,
these are the rules.
You can stay over only one night at a time.
Let's say Monday and Friday nights.
Personal life, on a need to know basis.
No phone calls after midnight.
- And I can see other people.
- No way!
We both can see other people.
All right, for the first two months.
- Three.
- Ten weeks.
Okay. And you have to learn salsa.
And you can't mention the past
more than once a week...
...for the first ten weeks
and then after that, never.
It's a deal.
Like the Hitler-Stalin Pact, isn't it?
How many people have you been with?
- In eight years?
- Well, serious relationships.
I don't know... 20.
20?
- For fuck's sake, 20?
- In eight years.
What? 20 serious relationships?
What about one-night stands?
Double that.
Fucking hell! That's like 60 people!
In eight years.
That's astounding!
I've been careful.
- What about you? In a band?
- There were a few.
The drummer got all the action,
to be honest.
God knows why.
He couldn't play the drums to save his life.
Maybe I was looking for something
to fill up my life.
You must have a fanny
like a bill poster's bucket.
What did you just say?
- I meant, you know, you must be...
- Deal's off.
Come on.
I take that back. That was unnecessary.
You've already broken our agreement.
I didn't even know it'd started?
Shouldn't it start at midnight?
- It starts now, okay?
- Okay, now.
Suppose we should go to bed,
shouldn't we?
Just to make sure.
Definitely. Make sure.
- Concentrate.
- What?
It's this woman, isn't it?
She's fucking you up.
Just leave it, will you?
Got a job?
- These guys to Kensington.
- Right.
- Busy day, mate?
- No, it's dead.
Go through the park.
I've got to drop something off.
- In the park?
- Yeah.
All right.
Pull up here, mate.
Go on.
You move a muscle
and I'll break his fucking neck.
Do something! Grab the...
- Ray, you little prick!
- I could see that coming a mile off.
Fuck, it's you, isn't it? Chloroform man.
- What does she see in you?
- What are you talking about?
You know who. You don't deserve her.
Shit.
Don't understand it. Fucking thing.
What's wrong?
You know what's wrong.
Relax. You just feel pressure
because you're being marked out of 10.
- Marked?
- Judged then.
- So are you.
- I'm ahead on points.
There'll be a late surge, don't worry.
- It's just the situation.
- Don't patronize me.
- Where'd you learn that?
- What?
With the toothpaste. Thought my knob
was going to have a stroke.
- I think it has.
- You're a nasty little bastard, aren't you?
What?
I'm a nasty little bastard?
This is a joke.
We can't turn the clock back.
We'll never get it together.
Just get dressed and go.
Relax, all right?
Listen. You've got to pack it in.
The thieving.
You've got to get yourself a job.
I'm dyslexic. Thick as shit.
Who'd employ me?
Don't give me that. You just like the rush.
What you do is harder than working,
I know that.
A piece of advice:
Let her give you the rush.
Hi, is Frankie in?
'Afternoon.
What time is it?
So you're not interested in me anymore,
is that it?
Excuse me. Well?
Well, I mean...
You were and now you're not.
It's a passing infatuation.
Is that the story?
If I can say? For me, it was just a shag.
Me, too. It was nothing. Meaningless.
I wouldn't say it was meaningless exactly.
Not meaningless.
Just not very important, but fun.
Excuse me.
That's information that I don't need.
So?
Could we talk about this later?
You know where to find me.
Euston. You're heading home then?
It looks that way.
So it wasn't that simple after all?
You should make a gesture, mate.
They like a sacrifice.
Do something to show her
she's the most important thing in your life.
You've got all the answers, haven't you?
Just turn around here, will you?
- What's this worth to you?
- A lot.
It's a 1956 Gibson. It's yours for nothing.
Mine?
- What do I have to do for it?
- Just teach me to dance.
If you want.
Do again. It's disgusting.
Come on. And go away.
One, two, three, back.
Now do it. One, two, three. Again.
Bravo!
Well done, boys.
Now you are ready for the girls!
Go!
How's tricks then?
I'm getting married as it goes.
Not to that stroppy, jowly,
orally-challenged harpy?
I've had enough of your comments.
I no longer have any faith
in your knowledge of women whatsoever.
Is that a fact?
You're jealous.
You just want what I've got.
You want a stroppy bird.
You crave to be stropped about.
Put a bit of sauce in your life.
- Jealous of you? You've got me all wrong.
- It just eats you up.
You're a delusional fool.
Women are fighting a guerilla war.
The tactics are dirty.
They take no prisoners.
I freely admit that I'm a pussyholic.
Rather that than pussy whipped.
A pussyholic?
When is the last time you had a shag?
- When?
- Doesn't deserve a reply.
- When?
- The other night. Thursday.
You were on all night Thursday.
I meant Wednesday.
You don't know anything about women,
do you? You're scared of them.
Face it, we can't live without women.
We need them.
Just accept it, mate.
Barney, isn't it? I'm a friend of Eddie's.
I've got a son called Eddie.
I know, that's who I mean.
- Are you going some place?
- The beach.
- Where?
- What?
Shit! Dad, get in here. Come on.
Put some clothes on.
I met him at King's Cross.
Cheers. Well, come in?
No, thanks.
I'm looking for work.
A new leaf and all that.
Good.
Can we start again? From the beginning.
Like you stealing my purse?
All right, from before the beginning then.
That means we've never met,
so you don't even exist.
Let's pretend you brought Barney home
and we just met.
Tea?
I wouldn't have brought him home.
I wouldn't have known where you lived!
Let's say he told you where I lived.
This is it, first meeting.
If this was our first meeting, I wouldn't
be impressed and I wouldn't hang about.
- You don't know that.
- I do know that.
- What's that?
- A present.
- Let's go to the Day of the Dead.
- I can't fly.
- Sure you can.
- No, they crash.
We'll get a boat.
Encyclopedla of Dlseases.
I lied.
- When?
- When I said I was over you.
You're not?
Can't see it happening.
I hope you realize
that familiarity breeds contempt.
Why don't you give yourself
and the rest of the world a break?
Dance?
Yeah.
You been taking lessons?
Where'd you get the money?
I sold my guitar.
You know when you've made a mistake...
...you get panic attacks.
You feel sick because for the rest
of your life you'll only feel half...
...of what you could've felt.
I felt like that for the last eight years.
Why me? Why this?
Why are you so interested in me?
Don't you like it?
It's the best present
anyone's ever bought me.
- What's wrong with that?
- I'm a weirdo.
If you like me,
you must be a weirdo as well.
Well, yeah.
I never wanted what other people wanted,
until now.
Until you.
- You can't steal.
- I'll get a job.
- You can't change me.
- Don't want to.
You can't die before me.
Wouldn't even think about it.
Would you like to dance?