1
LAURA: I was thinking we might switch
back to seeing each other once a month.
Yeah, I'm feeling like
I'm in a really good place.
You know, like,
I've done the work.
We've done the work.
We've done it.
(LAURA SIGHS)
THERAPIST: Have you spoken
with your father recently?
Well, I...
He called,
but I did not pick up.
He knows the conditions.
- THERAPIST: So you set a boundary?
- Yeah.
That must have been
very difficult for you.
Not really.
No. I'm feeling
really resolute.
Like, very resolute.
So resolute, in fact...
I was thinking, is this the
best time to set a boundary?
You know, stay with me here, because
I'm wondering... (CHUCKLES)
Maybe it would be best
if I did pick up.
- You know?
- I don't.
Uh, okay, well,
it wouldn't be, like,
to ask for help
or anything like that.
Like, I'm not discounting years
of disappointment, years...
And abandonment.
Well, I was going to say
missed opportunities,
but, yeah, sure, yeah,
let's just say abandonment.
Your father is incapable
of helping you, Laura.
It doesn't matter
how much you love him.
He's never gonna change.
I know. You're right.
I know.
I was just testing you that time
to see if you had softened.
Ha-ha.
You're not that little girl who needs her
father's love and attention anymore.
You're doing just fine
on your own.
I know.
Yeah, you're right. I know.
I know. You're right.
I am. I really am.
I don't know
why I keep forgetting that.
I do notice you have a kitten
hidden in your purse.
Were you hiding it from me?
LAURA: No, of course not.
I wasn't hiding it from you.
I...
I found it in the,
in the parking lot.
I thought that you weren't gonna pick
up any stray animals this month.
Well, it's the 28th,
so technically,
if it was February,
it is the end of the month.
Not February.
Yeah, but I have secured a home for
this kitty, so it's different.
I think our hour is up.
(INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING)
(MEOWS)
(CELL PHONE BEEPS)
(EXHALES)
(SIGHS)
Hey.
I can feed her.
I'm already up.
That would be wonderful.
Thank you, honey. Yeah.
- That douchebag sleep over?
- Yeah, he did.
Yeah. But he's actually
a pretty good guy.
I wish you'd give him
a chance.
Did you...
Oh, come on, Henry.
Just let me have one date.
(HENRY SIGHS)
How about, if you act really normal in
the morning, I'll drive you to school?
Crouton peed more blood,
but she passed the stone.
- She did?
- Yeah.
I put it in a Ziploc bag
in the fridge.
Oh, I love that you did that.
I love that. Thank you.
Hey, maybe you'll be a vet.
Wouldn't that be an
incredible end to our story?
Or I could be a taxidermist.
I think you're great.
Shh. Shh. Shh.
(MEOWS)
Taco. Taco, you get up here.
- What the fuck?
- What happened?
- Your fucking cat ran over my face.
- What?
I thought you said
no animals in the bed.
I did.
Get off! Get off!
(GRUNTS) Am I bleeding?
Uh, not really, no. Just...
It's just, like, a...
It's a little nick.
(GRUNTS) Damn it.
Jesus Christ, Laura, you have
way too many fucking animals.
Seriously. Am I gonna get
cat-scratch fever or something?
Oh, there's no such thing. There's
no such thing. Go back to bed.
I got to get out of here.
(EXHALES)
Oh, good. Good.
- That's fucking great.
- Tino!
- Yeah.
- Oh, I...
This is really out of
the ordinary, I swear.
People are usually like,
"You have nine animals?
"It only seems like
you have four."
(SIGHS)
Laura, I think you're great.
I really do.
And it's super cool
what you're doing here,
and you're probably gonna go
to fucking Heaven or whatever,
and that's fucking awesome, but
I gotta be honest with you.
This... This is...
It's fucking disgusting. Uh...
- Jim.
- JIM: What?
Before you leave, I, uh...
I sketched you last night.
From what I hear,
it's more of a parting gift.
- I don't want it.
- I don't actually know what you look like naked.
I just paint what I feel
you look like naked.
This is so not cool, Henry.
Like, really not cool.
- I liked him.
- No, you didn't.
Not for you to decide.
And no more drawings.
Not unless you've known
someone for at least a year.
That's like three people.
Well, you're stuck drawing
naked pictures of me, then.
That's your punishment.
Did somebody pee? I smell pee.
Did someone pee on my jacket?
Yeah, there it is. Gross.
(CELL PHONE RINGING)
(LAURA GASPS)
He called last night, too.
Did you answer?
It's okay if you did.
I just want to know.
I didn't.
How long are you
gonna screen him?
(EXHALES)
(BELL RINGING)
LAURA: So, what time today?
You better figure I'll get a
detention, so to be safe, 5:00?
Maybe today you won't.
We're running the mile.
It'll be me and all the girls on
their period trailing the rear.
Okay, well, just try not to do
anything stupid, just for this week.
Uh, I don't want to see
that principal again.
(HENRY SIGHS)
- What will you give me?
- My love.
I already have it.
(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
(CAPTIVATING
INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING)
- Good morning, Mr. Buckner, Jenn.
- Hi.
Griselda.
Can I see Sofia for a minute?
You're late
for work again, Laura.
You have five minutes.
And don't say anything
about her skin.
Her skin?
- Sandrine, that's for you.
- Thank you.
- Serg?
- SERG: Hey.
- (SIGHS) Not again.
- Please?
- Can you watch her just for a minute?
- Oh...
Hey, beautiful.
Yeah, just don't drop her
in a pot.
- (LAUGHS)
- Put her under your shirt.
- Keep her warm.
- Oh, with the rest of them?
Hey.
LAURA:
And the school is amazing.
They actually
emphasize the arts.
Uh, physical education isn't
even a part of their curriculum,
you know, which for Henry
is very meaningful.
I... I know it's a lot of
money, but I could work it off
while Henry goes to school.
SOFIA: Yeah,
it is very expensive, Laura.
LAURA: I know.
I know. I wouldn't be asking if you
weren't the only person I could ask.
(CELL PHONE BEEPS)
SOFIA: Oh, it's another RSVP
for True's sweet 16.
God, that makes 150.
Is anyone not coming?
I mean, you want all these
things for your kids,
and then you get them, there's
another whole set of problems.
You're looking at my skin,
aren't you?
Oh, there's just
one little piece.
No, no, no, the doctor said you have
to let it all come off naturally.
That's why the new skin
looks so young and fragile.
I know. Yeah, but there's
just one little piece.
Yeah, yeah, do I try and pick the
animal hair off your sweaters?
No, because there's too much.
Ew, Mom, I literally
can't look at you.
That better heal
before my party.
No, no, it's practically
healed now.
Look.
Sisters.
You are disgusting.
What?
Did you book
the white tiger?
I was planning on it,
and just as I was about to,
I thought to myself,
does a white tiger really want
- to attend a sweet 16?
- Yes.
Because Kayla Drew had one at her
party, and it was, like, amazing.
Yeah, well, they are on... On
the endangered species list.
And just because one guy
probably illegally
has one that he rents out
to parties...
- Yes, you're going to book it, right?
- Sure.
Uh, although, you may be losing Henry
and some other animal lovers as guests.
I wasn't really planning
on inviting Henry.
It's just not really
his crowd, you know?
Besides, I saw him having lunch
with a squirrel last week.
They were talking
and everything.
It was really weird. (LAUGHS)
I have to go get a mani-pedi.
See you bitches later.
With a squirrel, Laura. Oh...
It's fine.
(LAURA SIGHS)
(CELL PHONE RINGING)
(SIGHS)
Did she pick up?
- She did not.
- MARY: Surprise, surprise.
CHARLIE: Well, I'm afraid
the decision is final, Jack.
We can't have men of such low moral
integrity bringing down the place.
Oh, please.
You geriatric sons of bitches know
that this place is a total shit box.
Uh, we may not have much, but
we do have respect for the law.
Oh, I'm afraid I find that
quality very overrated.
MARY: Then off you go.
Be sure to send us a postcard from
whatever jail cell you end up in.
I think we should give Jack
one more chance.
Third time's a charm.
I appreciate it.
Perhaps we should all take a
page out of Harriet's playbook.
CHARLIE:
Oh, cut the bullshit, Jack.
We tried to make it work, but you
really shit the bed this time, Jack.
(BELL RINGS)
Ms. Jaconi.
Uh...
This clearly was an accident.
Henry would never intentionally
slap anyone. Right, Henry?
Well, I meant to slap Jeremy, but she
dove in front of him like he was Obama.
Henry, why slap?
Boys really
shouldn't be slapping.
Slapping is a distant cousin
to hair pulling.
Well, I thought it would
be better than scratching.
Okay, well,
that's hard to say,
but the more important point
here is,
is Henry clearly would never
hit a woman on purpose.
All right? He's been raised by a
single mom, for Christ's sakes.
But he would hit
a faculty member?
I think
that's been established.
(EXHALES) Could we start
Henry's suspension next week?
I have potentially
a very hectic week.
Henry is not suspended.
He's expelled.
Expelled? Why?
For this.
Henry requires more attention
than we can provide.
I gave you the list of
specialty schools last month.
I suggest you start
making some phone calls.
(BELL RINGS)
What am I doing wrong, Henry?
- What?
- Nothing.
Well, I'm obviously
doing something.
You know, we can't afford
a private school.
Then I'll just drop out
and take my GED.
Not an option.
You are graduating.
- You didn't.
- Well, and look at me.
I didn't raise you
to be like me.
The whole point of kids is
to make them better than you
so they can support you
later in life.
- I thought we'd be roommates for life.
- That's weird.
I want a guest cottage in the back
where you and your wife live.
Or your husband.
Jesus, I'm not gay.
How many times
do I have to tell you that?
(SIGHS)
Ignore this.
(SIGHS)
I want you to be happy.
Would a specialty school
make you happy?
I don't know.
- Would the other kids be weird like me?
- Probably. Weirder, even.
I think I'd like it.
Yeah.
I fucking hate Taylor Swift.
Well, she actually writes
her own songs.
She's pretty cool, sweetie.
(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
But I see what you mean.
Yeah.
(EXHALES)
Hmm...
(LINE RINGING)
Oh, you finally called me back.
(CHUCKLES)
I need help.
- With Henry. I need money.
- How much?
- A lot.
- Well...
I'm in trouble, too. Maybe
you didn't think of that.
You got kicked out
of your home, didn't you?
Yeah, all that bullshit
about my side ventures
not being up to their standards.
Please! (CHUCKLES)
Anyways, uh...
I've got to find
somewhere to crash,
or they'll put me in a state-run
home with all the loony tunes.
No, you can't, Dad.
You can't stay here.
I gotta look out
for me and Henry.
Uh, why don't I help you?
(STAMMERING) You get me out
of here, I get you the money.
You have that kind of money?
I could get it.
Look, uh, I'm in a bit
of a situation here, Laura.
I don't know how
to get out of this one.
Well, I...
I'm sure you'll figure
something out.
Anyways, I have until 10:00 tomorrow
morning before they ship me off.
I haven't given up yet.
(CHUCKLES)
(THUNDER RUMBLING)
(CELL PHONE RINGING)
Hold on. I gotta take this,
you guys.
Stand by.
(SIGHS)
Jojo here.
Jojo, it's Laura.
Laura!
You'll never guess
what I watched last night.
Karate Kid.
Remember when you used to call me
Jojo-san, and I'd call you Laura-san?
(DOG BARKING)
It's from Karate Kid.
- It's a movie.
- Listen to me, Jojo.
Dad got kicked out
of his home.
He needs a place to stay.
Oh, no. Papa-san.
What did he do?
Watch it!
Hey, who knows? I have no idea.
He fucked up again.
But I... I'm picking him up, and
I need him to stay with you.
I don't know, Laura.
(SCOFFS) Last time Dad
stayed with me,
the FBI followed me
to work for a week.
It was really intense.
I would take him, but he is a
horrible example for Henry.
You gotta agree
with me on that.
Yeah, I do, I do.
(SIGHS)
Does this mean
I'll get to see you guys?
No, I would put him
on a plane.
Laura, please come.
Oh, It would be so fun.
(HONKING)
We could watch Karate Kid, you know?
We could eat Captain Crunch.
- Next time.
- Hey, does Henry
still take pictures
of dead animals?
No. No,
he just draws people naked.
Oh, that's sweet.
Well, I hope he has
enough energy to draw me.
Oh, fuck!
Oh...
They haven't taken him yet,
have they?
Taken who?
Jack Jaconi, my father.
Oh, he should be out
any minute.
He said that you
were coming for him.
He said I was coming?
Yeah, he said you'd be here
at 10:00 on the dot.
Of course, he did.
You got played.
(LAUGHS)
What's the scowl for?
You knew I was coming?
I had a feeling. (LAUGHS)
Uh, she's very moody, my daughter.
Always has been.
Hey, Hoight.
Come with me. I want to
say goodbye to my garden.
I probably shouldn't leave
my mom.
- Of course, you should.
- LAURA: No. Excuse me.
Please don't write that.
Please don't...
Give her a chance to stop that
cop from writing her a ticket.
LAURA: Ten bucks. Ten bucks.
(LAUGHS)
I bet you can hardly believe,
considering your mother can barely
keep a piece of hair alive,
that your grandfather's
got a green thumb.
I'm not really into gardening.
Well, maybe what's in the shed
will change your mind.
I'm too old to molest,
you know.
Oh, Jesus Christ.
You couldn't get molested
with a bow in your hair.
Even pedophiles know to steer
clear of your bad vibes.
Know what this is?
- Holy shit.
- (CHUCKLES)
This is not the shwag
weed you cheapos smoke.
No, sir.
Uh, a French whore I once
admired fed a bud to my cat,
and she shit out
one of the seeds.
Oh, yeah,
this is the good stuff.
(EXHALES)
It came from a cat's ass?
Well, yeah, had to.
How else was I going to
get it in the country?
I don't know.
Now, I need you
to put this down your pants.
Yeah? Can you do that for me?
Why don't you put it
down your pants?
Because I am wearing
adult diapers.
Just stuff it in,
you little chickenshit.
Your mother's about to give me a real
hard time for taking the Rolls-Royce,
so I need something to get
her voice out of my head.
Absolutely not.
It's all I got.
Then you drive it.
We had a deal. I get you to
L.A., you get me the money.
If you want to keep the car
so bad, then you drive it.
Yeah, those assholes over at
DMV took my license away.
I couldn't pass the eye exam.
And I was hoping we could
use some time together.
Yes, we could.
Twenty years ago.
It's not happening, Dad.
I got you
the plane ticket already,
so send the money
when you land.
Come on, Henry.
(SCOFFS)
I have set a boundary.
It's set. It's a line in the sand.
In the concrete, actually.
I'm not driving
that heap cross-country.
You are not commandeering
this trip already.
You have done nothing
to earn this.
- And we're doing you a favor.
- Well, I appreciate that,
but I'd like to spend
some time with you two.
I hardly know Hoight.
And I'd like to discover
more things I like about you.
LAURA: Oh, God.
Hey, look. Laura.
I...
I didn't want to tell you
this, actually, but...
Uh, the truth is...
I haven't much time left.
I'm... I'm dying, Laura.
The doctor gave me the news
a few days ago.
My prostate cancer's
come back.
(SIGHS)
I'd be a goner on a plane.
I've got a blood clot
in my leg,
and when we get
to high elevation,
it could... (SIGHS)
Go straight to my heart.
That's where it's headed.
This is a trick. This is
another one of your schemes.
I wish it was.
So, why didn't you tell me?
I didn't want to...
Didn't want to worry you.
I knew how busy you are.
It doesn't matter.
You should have told me.
Well, I am, now.
(SIGHS)
What do you say?
How about spending
some time together?
You're dying?
Sure as hell am.
Really dying?
Stage-four dying.
LAURA: I will be on my cell
the whole time.
And how many days?
Like, two at the most.
Three at the very, very most.
What about the party?
I'll be back
to help with the deliveries.
Just give me something good,
like boils or meningitis.
- Can that go away in two days?
- Oh...
- How often do I feed this one?
- Every four hours.
- 24/7?
- Anything you want. Literally.
My son. My good organs.
I owe you my life.
I want a date.
I said anything you want.
I want a date with you.
(SIGHS) No, I am a mess. I can't...
I can't date people I like.
It wouldn't be fair to them.
Well, I won't do it.
You want a date?
- With me? With this?
- Yes.
Yes.
I have faith that I haven't
seen the best of you.
SOFIA: Laura!
Shit! Okay.
Just give me something good.
- Go.
- Okay.
Why did he only take
five of them?
It's a horror show back there.
Well, these have more special
needs than the others.
Well, one need
should be a new face.
Those are two of the ugliest
dogs I've ever seen.
(I WANNA ROCK NOW PLAYS)
I wanna rock now
Rock this joint tonight
Oh, I wanna rock now
Rock this joint tonight
I feel like partying
- There's an old bow and arrow back here.
- JACK: Uh, uh, uh, don't touch.
I'm trying to get on Antiques Roadshow.
That's worth a fortune!
Or nothing. I'm not positive.
(ENGINE SPUTTERING)
Why is the car shaking?
Did you fill her up
before we started?
Why would I fill it up?
Well, who goes on a road trip
without filling up the tank?
It's not even my car!
- (LAURA SCREAMS)
- Hey. Be calm, be calm.
How can I stay calm?
We're gonna get rear-ended.
- Can I get over there?
- JACK: Yeah, yeah, now.
(HONKING)
(SIGHS)
You better get out and push.
- Me? Why not you?
- I'm 85. I don't push.
(GRUNTS)
God damn it.
JACK: I've got to
change my diaper.
I'll see you
chickenshits later.
(SIGHS)
(QUIET SCREAMING)
I have emotional amnesia.
I don't know why
I said yes to this.
Mom, you just need
to stick to the course, okay?
Okay.
Oregon tonight, San Francisco
tomorrow, L.A. on Friday, okay?
If we, if we just stick
to the schedule exactly,
this will be a blip
in our lives.
(SIGHS)
Oh, God, I had a feeling.
Oh, God. I knew this was
that kind of a neighborhood.
I knew it.
HENRY:
What kind of neighborhood?
The kind that doesn't spay
or neuter.
HENRY: He looks like a runner.
Oh, God, no, no, no, no, no!
Stay.
HENRY: Mom,
we have too many dogs.
I know, Henry. Jesus.
I live in our house.
Relax. I'm just saying.
Okay. All right.
If I...
If I call it over and it runs,
then... Then we just
let it run, right?
It does look like a runner.
It's definitely a runner.
And I don't have my good shoes
or my kit,
so I'm not going to go chase
after it, right?
That's a runner
if I ever saw one.
Yeah, it's gonna run.
Come here, puppy.
Come here.
Fuck.
(SIGHS) No tag, no collar.
She's been on the streets
for a while.
Oh, God, she's cute.
Don't look at her.
- Who the hell's that?
- LAURA: Nobody.
Nobody. She probably belongs to
the owner across the street.
Well, maybe she belongs
to the gas station.
She belongs to me.
They all do.
Can't you tell?
She knew I would be here.
She knew. She knew.
They all know.
All of them. They all know.
Jesus.
You're like the Pied Piper
of mange.
(CONGRATULATIONS HONEY
PLAYS)
Congratulations, honey
If you found somebody new
Yeah, congratulations, honey
If you found...
JACK: Well, that took
barely a minute,
and we picked up a dog
along the way.
I'd call it a success.
Yeah, that's exactly how I envisioned
the first hour of this trip.
One more thing to hide
from my therapist.
(CHUCKLES) Where did you
get this negativity?
You used to laugh more.
- I used to be able to make you laugh.
- You never made me laugh.
I was always laughing.
Yeah, at me.
Well, I had to.
It was either that or cry.
You better let go
of some of that anger,
or you'll end up
a pissed-off old spinster.
You're about one
four-legged creature away.
(CHUCKLES)
Dad. Dad.
Oh, that's so funny!
Oh, thank you, Father.
Thank you so much.
Like... Like I need to worry
about being a spinster,
on top of all the other things that
I'm constantly worrying about.
That's... That's...
I mean, as if there isn't
enough social media
telling me that I need
to find a man. Yeah.
What? What?
I'm not getting the signals!
What? What? I need a man?
How bad is it to be alone?
I can't hear. What?
Oh... See? I still laugh.
I didn't buy it.
Just as glad as I could be
Yeah
Oh, yeah
Go along
and have your fun...
Where are we?
Where did... Where...
Is there really
a CPK around here?
What is going on?
Did you change my navigation?
Huh?
Did you change this?
Yeah.
This is the wrong route.
What... Did you do this?
You changed it? Henry!
He gave me $20 when you
were in the gas station.
Okay, no.
No, there's not gonna be any weird
little pit stops along the way.
No, we have to make it
to California by Friday.
- Well...
- No.
Stanley is already
expecting us.
He may even have dinner ready.
Stanley, art forger Stanley? No,
he's involved in illegal activity.
I don't want Henry anywhere near him.
Absolutely not.
We have to be in California
by Friday.
What kind of illegal activity?
Well, the good kind,
of course.
Absolutely not. No.
We are staying at a Red Roof.
The only known criminal we're
spending time with is you.
(JACK LAUGHS)
Well, we're here.
I hope that line of yours
is powder.
- Hey! Shit.
- (LAUGHS)
Here's the son of a bitch.
Oh, man.
- Who are these people?
- Old friends of your grandfather's.
Don't inhale anything.
Well, hello.
- Hi, Stan.
- Don't you look beautiful.
Oh. You look
just like your mother.
God rest her soul.
Where is your precious
little baby?
Hi.
Oh, my God.
Isn't he gorgeous?
Hey. Come on in.
You remember Jed?
- LAURA: Hi, Jed.
- JACK: Hey! Hey!
Hey, give me a hug,
you old cripple.
- I like you, Jack.
- I know you do.
He's been talking about you
for two days straight.
They Skype each other
every Saturday night.
Jack, will you Skype with me?
Well, no,
now I'm here in person.
You can see how handsome I am,
you know, so close up.
Uh, tell Jed, uh, to show you
his room, Laura.
Okay. All right.
But only just for a minute,
because this was supposed
to be a very quick trip.
Oh, nonsense.
I've got dinner on the stove,
and the guest room sheets
have barely been slept in.
- Oh, wonderful.
- JACK: Yeah, be there in a minute, Stan.
Yeah, I'm on it, Sofia. Prada
wallets for the gift bags. Done.
Um, no, yes,
boils are very contagious,
but I think it's best that I
work from home for a few days.
No, don't be concerned
about yourself.
I'm sure it's just
an ingrown hair.
Okay, thanks. Bye.
- Sorry.
- A little more. A little more.
Sorry, it's just my boss.
STAN:
Making the deals and mergers.
I always knew you'd be
a successful businesswoman.
- I'm not a businesswoman.
- JACK: No, she's an executive.
Assistant.
I'm an executive assistant.
Yeah, well,
"executive" is in it, yeah?
This tastes like candy corn.
Well, it should, because
it's a candy corn casserole.
- Really?
- Hmm.
Jed loves candy corn.
Every bite
has something sweet.
JED: I like candy corn, Jack.
So do I, Jed.
Not only on Halloween.
STAN: It's been too long.
What happened to that
wonderful husband of yours?
He left us.
No.
Well, he left me,
actually, not Henry.
- He left me, too.
- STAN: Oh...
Well, he has chronic fatigue, so basically
he was too tired to love us properly.
Well, I'd still like to
string him up by his feet.
We're all each other has got.
And it just tickles me
to death
to see you and your father
spending time together.
He talks about you
all the time.
JACK: Yeah, mostly complaints.
STAN: Family.
That's all there is.
Isn't that right, Jed?
- Do you like me, Jack?
- Sure do.
- Are you my friend, Jack?
- Sure am.
Fuck yeah.
I feel the same way.
"Fuck yeah."
(LAUGHS)
(CLEARS THROAT) Uh, thank you, Hoight.
You're a man of your word.
Now, where did you
put the plant?
What do you mean?
I still have it down my pants.
Oh, geez.
I think it gave me a rash.
I don't want to hear
about your rash.
Now, the point is,
I can trust you, huh?
Do you know why we're here?
To visit Stanley and his son?
That, and?
I don't know. To annoy my mom?
I'm a drug dealer, Hoight.
I know I may look out of my prime,
but I'm just getting started.
There's $200,000 worth
of weed in there.
Go on, now. Take a look.
(SIGHS)
(GASPS)
We've been driving
with this in the car?
- That's real illegal.
- Oh, you sound like your mother.
I thought
I could tell you things.
She's gonna be really pissed.
All my customers are lined up.
I need a partner.
(SIGHS)
I can't unload it on my own.
Partner?
What kind of partner?
You help me
get rid of the weed,
and I'll send you money
on your birthday.
That's what
normal grandpas do, anyway.
Great. Then you'll be getting
what you've always wanted.
Would we all go to jail
if we got caught, or just you?
Just me, you little shit.
I also wrote a note,
just in case.
"This weed is property of Jack Jaconi.
Thank you for your time."
You think it'll hold up
in court?
It should.
All right. I'll help you.
Well, Lindsay Lohan seems to be
getting her act together, isn't she?
- I'm pulling for her.
- Yeah, me too, Jack.
And Boy George is a Buddhist.
I knew I liked him.
Oh, my God, this kid,
Macaulay Culkin.
Oh, is he going
through some shit.
(EXHALES)
I'm tired.
- Well, I guess this is good night.
- Oh, yeah.
Sure. Sure is.
(GRUNTS)
Well, good night.
Night.
You know... (EXHALES)
I don't want this
to seem like an apology,
but, uh, I shouldn't have
complained about staying here.
You know, Stanley is so nice, and Jed is
great, and it's just nice to see them.
Mm-hmm. Yeah. No problem.
So, uh, so, here's to a super
fun, but straightforward trip.
I'm glad we're getting
to spend some time together.
- And thank you for the money.
- (EXHALES)
Okay.
Hey, are you going to
sleep with Loretta?
Why? Do you want to?
Yeah. Why not?
(CHUCKLES)
Well, yeah, listen. Yeah.
I'm an asshole, Loretta.
I really am.
I don't deserve this.
You're just like
all the other girls. Huh?
Your heart's too big.
(MEOWS)
(STAN HUMMING)
Uh, anyone care to join me
in the Jacuzzi?
No, thank you.
No? Laura.
No, thanks.
Oh...
All right, then.
(DOG BARKING)
Good morning!
Where is everyone?
They went
to Little Big Burger.
But it's 7:00 a.m.
Well, you can call them, put
in your order, if you like.
(EXHALES)
I'm sorry. I'm just nervous.
There's no need to be nervous.
Did you measure it out?
I put it in a diaper bag.
Yeah, good. Good.
I'll, uh, take it from there.
Your only job is to act like you
don't give a shit. Can you do that?
(INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING)
Jed, can you act cool?
Uh, I'm cool.
Take a lesson from Jed.
(VOMITING)
Jesus. That was cool?
Sorry.
Scared of some Buddhist monks?
I've had more capable partners
in a game of charades.
(JACK CHUCKLES)
Goodbye, Jack.
Uh...
(BOTH CHUCKLE)
That's too much.
Enjoy it, you sly dog.
Arrivederci.
- Arrivederci.
- HENRY: Bye.
(LAURA LAUGHS)
Hey. Hey!
Stop at the next rest stop.
I need to change my diaper.
Okay, you don't have
to say that.
You can just say,
"I have to use the restroom."
- Hoight, hand me a diaper.
- LAURA: Just saying, you know?
Asking for a diaper
as opposed to
asking for a restroom
is a little candid.
Some people might think
that's rude.
Well, I think they're rude.
Judging a man by his diapers.
I don't like the fact
that I have to wear them.
Sofia, I know
you're frustrated,
but it's going to be
a couple of days. I...
Well, no,
I know you didn't see them,
because they're in my scalp
and on my feet.
(NAKED KIDS PLAYS)
Cruising on the highway
With my friend's top down
And we're all on our way
LAURA: It's itching
like you can't even imagine.
You thought your face... A bunch
of confirmation calls back.
Laughing at the those cars
we are passing
As we're sucking down
that funny funny weed
Oh yeah
What is that smell? Do you smell that?
It smells like pot.
It's patchouli. I wear it now.
Gross.
I think it might attract
a different kind of girl.
- (GASPS)
- Found him near the bathroom.
I think he's a little blind.
What? Why? No, no, no!
We cannot take any more dogs.
Of course you can.
I mean, what sort of person would
have dumped old milky eyes?
(GROWLING)
Oh yeah
Yeah
Walks in sandy dunes
Hot day, mid-June
Naked kids, running wild,
and free
Yeah
Oh yeah
Oh yeah
Yeah, you're a pretty
good partner, uh, Hoight.
I never thought of myself as a
drug dealer, but I enjoy it.
I might continue
down this path.
Oh, no, no, no. The drug
dealing isn't for you.
That was a temporary job. You
can move on to better products.
- Like cocaine?
- No.
Like your art,
you little shit.
(SIGHS)
My drawings freak people out.
Yeah, well,
all good art does that.
(CLEARS THROAT) Yeah, take a
look, uh, at that fellow, Crumb.
- I mean, he made a decent living.
- Crumb?
Yeah, you know,
the guy who took all that LSD.
I mean, you could do
something like that.
But I don't want
to take a lot of LSD.
(CHUCKLES) You don't have to.
But people will be talking
about your art.
What if they're only saying
bad things?
Doesn't matter. It's the talk.
And, uh, I think that,
you know,
all those
weird drawings you do,
they're all right,
they're all right.
I just don't want to be seen in
one of them one day, you know.
Okay?
I don't know why you
complained about Jack so much.
I like him.
LAURA: I didn't.
I used to overhear you and Dad
talking about him in the bathroom.
Oh.
Do you miss
having a guy around?
No.
(SIGHS)
I figured out
how to masturbate on my own.
I just like his vibe.
He said, if he's still alive
next summer,
he'd take me to Venezuela and we'd
hitchhike across the country.
- Oh, yeah?
- Or the Cayman Islands.
He said I really need
to see the Cayman Islands.
Wouldn't get
too attached, sweetheart.
You know, he's just
a temporary situation.
You don't know that.
Maybe I'll want to spend
more time with him after this.
No, I mean we're a temporary
situation for him.
There's a reason
he doesn't know your name.
Maybe he just had to be
reminded of how cool we were,
and he'll want to hang out
with us from now on.
Yeah, maybe. (CHUCKLES)
Oh, sorry. (COUGHS)
Blind Poodle wanted
to smoke a little before bed.
Don't hurt my kid.
I'm fine, I got through it,
but he's different.
Jesus, I'm not gonna hurt
the little shit.
Okay, because he's sensitive.
He... He can't handle the
disappointment, okay? And...
And you have more power
than you know.
You... You make people fall in
love with you, and then you leave.
And he's not like me.
Okay, I know the drill. I've
been through it my whole life.
But he's already gotten it
from his dad,
and he doesn't need it
from you, too.
His chronic-fatigue dad?
Well, I never said he was professionally
diagnosed, but, yeah, it could be true.
I'd hate to hear what you told,
uh, the little shit about me.
What did you tell him
about me?
- I said that you were temporary.
- Oh... Oh...
That you are
a temporary situation.
Well, good.
That's about right.
Okay. Well, it's better
- that he knows now.
- Sure.
So this way he will
not be disappointed.
- Sure.
- Okay.
(LAURA CRYING)
HENRY:
Mom, what's wrong?
LAURA: I was just imagining what
it would be like if you died.
(LAURA EXHALES)
I was at a funeral, and
there were a lot of people.
HENRY:
I hate it when you do that.
(LAURA EXHALES)
LAURA: You were in a terrible head-on
collision, and it was a closed casket.
HENRY: Enough.
I know. I'm sorry.
I can't help it.
I just love you so much.
Well, she's all right,
your mother.
She's doing her best.
Was she always like this?
Well, she's always had a thing about
people who aren't worthy of her.
Yeah. She can't help it.
She... She likes an underdog.
That's why
she likes you so much.
- Well, I don't know about that.
- She does. She told me.
She wants you to live with us
and not with Jojo.
She said that?
(CHUCKLES) Well, I am about to
become her least favorite person
for the 35th year running.
What'd you do now?
Well, you see all this?
Your mom's not going to like
to know who that's going to.
I might need it
to come from you.
I don't know any
of your customers.
- Oh, you know one.
- Who?
Uh, your father.
Yeah, he placed a pretty big order,
and I can't afford to skip it.
But I don't want
to see my dad.
Well, that's a little extreme.
- What did he ever do to you?
- He left us.
Well, he's chronically fatigued.
I mean, give the guy a break.
- So, I've been thinking.
- Yeah?
Since we're gonna
pass through Sausalito...
No.
You don't know what
I'm gonna ask.
- Okay, go ahead.
- HENRY: No.
- You've already said no.
- Good.
(JACK CLEARS THROAT)
I want to see him.
It's been three years.
Why? Are we not enough?
Uh, don't bring me into this.
Pretend you're a therapist
right now.
- Okay. Do you need closure?
- Yes.
No.
(JACK CLEARS THROAT)
Mmm-mmm. Mmm-mmm.
No.
The truth is,
I've been feeling like something's
missing for a long time,
and I don't know if he's the answer
or not, but I have questions.
I deserve to know why he left.
You want to know why
I have no friends?
Because the guys in the locker
room call me a bastard.
You didn't tell me that.
Not really.
I didn't want to make you
feel bad.
But I think it explains a lot.
Like why I'm not thriving at
school like we all expected.
Why I'm underweight. School
wasn't a safe space for me, and,
and now
I'm left with questions.
Questions only he can answer.
- I didn't know you cared so much.
- Of course I do.
You know one of the qualities
of my essence is sensitivity.
No.
LAURA: Shit.
Okay, we can stop. Okay.
And I will be with you
the whole time.
(I'M GLAD I KNEW YOU PLAYS)
There's something
on my mind
I gotta say, love
So you know how I feel
When I'm away, love
I'm glad I knew you
I'm glad I knew you
I'm glad I knew you
a while...
- Are you okay with this?
- You're asking me now?
Well, I know how you
get around him.
It was humiliating
for a father,
seeing you run after him
in high school.
And those posters you made.
- Oh, my God.
- I was 17.
- Yeah, couldn't take a hint, huh?
- Jack Jaconi?
Uh...
Jesus Christ, man.
I was sure you were dead.
And I remember
you being better-looking.
Good thing we're both wrong.
You remember your ex-wife?
Yeah, sure.
Sure I do.
Well, aren't you a sight
for sore eyes.
Hi, Leonard.
Hey, kid.
How old are you now?
You do the math.
(CHUCKLES) He takes a little
getting used to.
Come on with me to the car.
I've got about
14 more dogs there.
You can give me a hand.
(CHUCKLES)
How do you want to do this?
Do you want me by your side, or
do you want to talk to him alone?
- I don't really care anymore.
- What?
I got the answer I needed. He's
just a, he's just a douche.
(SIGHS)
So, hey,
what's your problem, kid?
That supposed to be me?
It's your soul.
(LAURA AND LEONARD LAUGH)
LEONARD: I mean,
it was really small.
LAURA: Yeah, accurate.
(CHUCKLES)
LEONARD: That's not nice.
What? He's angry.
And he has every right to be.
I don't blame him,
I guess, little shit.
Come on, one more,
for old time's sake.
You...
Mmm...
You know,
I'm real happy to see you
and your old man
get along so well.
Yeah.
(CHUCKLES)
I'm working on letting it go.
- In with the good, out with the bad.
- Right.
Yeah, so he wasn't there ever.
- Who needs someone around all the time?
- Right.
So he...
He never drove carpool.
So he bought my first car with the
money he got beating a Belgian casino.
- That's pretty cool, isn't it?
- You're a wise woman.
I'm not trying
to change anyone, you know?
An elephant will always
be an elephant.
- He will never be a monkey.
- A monkey.
Yes, I learned that from you.
(BOTH LAUGH)
(IMITATES MONKEY)
You look lonely.
Yeah, I am.
(INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING)
JACK: Hey, Kirkie.
I thought you could use
some more product.
Uh, no, no,
I'm leaving the business.
Looking for something
more family-oriented.
Marijuana's about to be legal
anyway, so it's lost its fun.
(CHUCKLES) Just want to get
rid of it, that's all.
No, no, no, everything,
everything's fine. Well...
Oh, just want to give you
the best deal of your life.
(BEEPING)
(LINE DISCONNECTS)
What are you doing?
Oh, nothing, nothing.
Go to sleep. Go back to sleep.
(INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING)
(SIGHS)
I miss this.
Like waking up
in a jigsaw puzzle.
I can't move my leg.
Well, I wouldn't...
Yeah, I wouldn't.
That brown one
looks like he's comfortable.
(CHUCKLES)
You save all these guys?
- Yeah.
- Yeah?
- Mm-hmm.
- Some things never change, huh?
You're gonna save me
one of these days.
(EXHALES)
(DOG WHIMPERING)
Do you have any spare cash?
I need to send Henry
to a special school.
What's wrong with him?
He's gay, or socially awkward,
or brilliant.
Maybe all three.
Things are kind of tight
around here.
Wait, what about Sofia?
You still working for her?
- Can't you ask her?
- No, I did.
Working for her is really
complicating our friendship.
What friendship? She always
treated you like shit.
She isn't all that bad.
I just wish I didn't have to
go back and work for her.
Well, we all
gotta work, honey.
What do you do?
- What do I do?
- Mm-hmm.
- I do a little of this.
- (CHUCKLES)
A little of this.
A lot of this.
Leonard. Leonard.
Leonard, come on. I'm serious.
I'm serious.
- Okay? Our kid needs help.
- Well, we all need help, honey.
Look, in fact... (SIGHS)
I was kind of hoping that I might be
able to borrow some cash from you.
- I'm thinking of going to Venezuela.
- Okay.
- And then...
- Do you care about Henry at all?
Well, sure I do,
but you know me. I...
I'm not good
at that kind of stuff.
You're not good at what stuff?
Loving your son? Taking care of him?
Being responsible?
Yeah. Yeah, but you know what?
You're good at that,
and so the good news is,
you know,
we balance each other out.
(CHUCKLES)
- Fuck.
- What? What?
- I'm so fucked up.
- No, no, no. Come on.
No, honey, come on.
Hey, hey, hey.
- No, no. Come on.
- No.
- Stay here. Come on.
- No. Ew, ew.
- Stay here.
- I'm so fucked up!
I can't even
tell my therapist everything.
That's how fucked up I am.
(EXHALES) So fucked up.
You know what?
I think you might be
my father.
You even wear
the same deodorant.
Right, well, you know what?
I'm not your father.
Your father's me.
LAURA: Oh, God.
I was messed up when I met
you, and 18 years later,
I still
haven't learned anything.
I am literally
going backwards.
You know, you don't give
yourself enough credit, Laura.
You're smarter than you think.
You do a lot of smart shit.
Like what?
Like divorcing me. That's big.
You know what?
You know, a lot of women, they
get all wrapped up in all this,
but you bailed
at exactly the right time.
I mean, it wasn't gonna get
any better.
- It wasn't?
- Mm, it wasn't.
I mean, all them promises,
they were bullshit, you know?
I wasn't gonna change,
and I still aren't.
- So what are you saying?
- I'm saying exactly what I'm saying.
- You are, aren't you?
- Yeah.
I mean, I tell Misty
that all the time.
Please tell me Misty
is your cat.
You want me to tell you
Misty's my cat?
- Who is she?
- My cat.
- She's your wife, isn't she?
- She is.
- Jesus! Fuck!
- Come on, I didn't tell you
'cause I knew
you'd freak out like this.
Okay, you know what? Okay.
So, what, and you tricked me
into sleeping with you?
Well, I didn't have
to do much.
You know what?
You are a lousy father,
and you're a lousy ex,
and we both deserve better.
Good for you! Hey, Laura!
Good for you, honey!
You're a lot tougher
than you think.
JACK: Hey, Laura?
Laura?
Hey.
He's married, and I still
want to be with him.
It's disgusting.
He might as well be you.
(SIGHS)
I chose the worst possible
father for my son,
the worst possible man for me.
Eighty percent of the time,
I feel like total shit.
Well, 20% is a pretty good
amount of time to feel decent.
Just tell me it's gonna be okay.
Can you tell me that?
I don't know what it's going to
be like, but I might have a plan.
It's knee-jerk,
but it might work.
What should I do?
Well, just keep doing
what you're doing,
but, uh, don't take
any more bullshit.
- You mean no more dogs?
- No.
I mean no more lying
sons of bitches like Leonard.
JACK: Hoight, get your things.
We're leaving.
Come here, Leonard.
What...
What's the matter, Jack?
Now, I'm not the type of man who throws a
sucker punch, so this is your warning.
I'm going to hit you now.
(GRUNTS)
Now, you listen good, 'cause I'm
only going to say this once.
You stay away from my daughter
and my grandson. You hear me?
If you mess with them one more time,
I'll make sure it's your last.
Jesus Christ, Jack.
I thought you were a Buddhist.
Oh, I am.
But you bring out the
right-wing Christian in me.
Hey!
Hey.
You, you really think
I give a shit?
Your whole family's crazy.
I mean, whoever heard
of a family drug deal, anyway?
How much pot you have
back there, Jack?
Oh, you mean you don't know?
Well...
Well, look in the trunk, sweetheart.
You're a drug mule.
At least I never dragged her
into any of my scores, Jack.
- What's he talking about?
- JACK: Nothing.
Open the trunk.
- Do you promise not to be mad?
- Open it.
Yeah, there's nothing
in there, Henry.
He's just trying to stir up trouble.
That's all.
Don't open it.
- Don't you trust us, Mom?
- Open the trunk!
Yeah, come on.
I couldn't let you
throw out good product.
(LAURA EXHALES)
Is she dying?
No, she's not dying. Let me
work on her for a second.
(DOOR OPENS)
(DOOR CLOSES)
(EXHALES)
- Don't.
- JACK: Look,
I know how much you must
hate me right now, but,
but I don't think you're capable
of turning your father in.
LAURA:
You don't know me at all.
I do, and I don't think
you would do that.
I am a mother. I could be arrested.
Uh, Henry could be arrested.
No one
is going to be arrested.
You... You don't know that.
We don't all have your luck.
I was trying to help the kid.
You told me you needed help.
And this was your solution?
Trafficking drugs across the country?
You know what?
I don't know why I bother.
I mean, you just...
You just can't...
You can't live without being
a victim, can you? Huh?
(STAMMERING) You'd rather suffer
than see the good in a situation.
Well, I nearly got enough
for Henry's education.
I'm not paying for Henry's
school with drug money!
JACK: Oh, yeah, punish the kid.
That's smart.
Oh, don't you dare turn
this around on me. I am mad!
I'm the one that's mad.
You disappointed me. Again!
Again? I didn't know you were counting.
How many times is it?
My entire childhood. One
disappointment after the next.
You never came through. Dad, you
never came through. Not once.
Well, you're living,
you're breathing.
I sure as hell
didn't kill you.
Oh, thank you so much for supplying
the basics, Dad. Thank you.
The food and the water
were brilliant.
- Thank you!
- Now you're being dramatic.
You... You don't have a clue,
do you?
How much time I spent
waiting for you to show up.
Disappearing for weeks on end,
never being reachable when I
was getting my heart broken.
Leaving me alone to take care of
Jojo in that shitty apartment.
I spent
my entire childhood scared.
Why weren't you there?
I needed you, Dad.
Did you hear what I said?
I said I needed you.
(CRYING)
I'm sorry you were scared.
Please tell me
that you are dying.
You didn't lie about that,
did you?
At least, please, please,
tell me that that's true.
(CHUCKLES)
We're all dying, really.
I'm done. I'm done.
I am so done!
You can drive your own drugs
around from now on.
Hey, hey, hey, hey.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa.
- You know what?
And find your own ride to L.A.
because we are done.
JACK:
You're really acting crazy.
It's you that's going to
get us arrested.
LAURA: You know,
and you are selfish.
You are absolutely incapable of
putting anyone else before yourself.
Maybe you could be happier
if you did the same.
I mean, you wouldn't be so
goddamn miserable all the time.
- Grandpa.
- No.
Stay out of this, Hoight.
Your mother has lost
all rational thought.
Don't tell me how to feel.
You don't get to tell me
anything anymore.
I am angry, and I'm not burying
any more shit for your sake.
- Mom. Mom.
- Henry, it's fine!
There's a cop coming.
Jesus Christ.
(SIREN BLARING)
Pick up the weed!
- JACK: All right.
- LAURA: Pick it up!
- JACK: All right, now, stay cool.
- LAURA: Pick up all the weed!
- Pick it up.
- JACK: Stay cool.
- Jesus. Hurry.
- Don't go wild on me.
- Move slow.
- LAURA: Henry, put it in.
- LAURA: Put it in the truck. Henry!
- JACK: Move slow.
Just... Okay, Dad,
get in the car.
That's too slow.
Get in the car!
JACK:
All right, all right. Okay.
Close the trunk!
- Stuff this down your pants.
- I don't have any room.
- JACK: Stop throwing it around.
- Hey. This, too.
Smells like a Grateful
Dead concert in here.
(SIGHS)
Hello.
License and registration.
Sure.
Is there anything
wrong, Officer?
You want to tell me what you
were doing outside your vehicle?
Oh, right, the diapers.
My father's diapers
flew out the window,
and we pulled over
to pick it up.
(COUGHING)
He has cancer.
My father has cancer.
Very bad cancer.
- All these animals belong to you?
- Yes.
Is that your son
in the back, laughing?
That is my son,
but I believe he's crying.
(GRUNTS)
- Shit.
- This is the number of my lawyer.
Shit, shit!
- Let him know where they send me.
- HENRY: I'll go with you.
- No. No, no, no, no.
- I'm your partner.
You shut your mouth.
You knew nothing.
If you stick to that story,
you'll be fine.
What about me?
- Laura Jaconi?
- Yes.
Please, step out
of the vehicle.
Is there something
wrong, Officer?
Please step out
of the vehicle.
(EXHALES)
Uh, uh-uh, hold on, hold on.
Uh, before you take her in,
let me explain.
Uh...
This is all
a misunderstanding.
Really?
You can explain
her unpaid parking tickets?
Parking tickets?
Over $3,000 worth.
Well, that can't be explained.
She's a criminal. Lock her up.
JACK: Ah-ha.
There she is. The law breaker.
(CHUCKLES)
I'm enjoying this, Laura.
Uh, how is Sausalito
going to go to sleep at night
knowing that a cold-blooded
criminal, such as yourself,
is back on the streets?
So I got behind a few tickets.
- So what?
- Behind?
You haven't paid one
since 1983.
What did you suppose
was going to happen?
Stop it, Dad.
I'm not in the mood.
Look... (CLEARS THROAT)
Tell me the truth.
Did you get a rush?
(ALL BECAUSE OF YOU PLAYS)
I can live
I can smile
Hold my head way up high
Baby, it's all
All because of you
Yeah
I've got a new song
I can sing
Seems like my whole world
has been changed
Baby, it's all
All because of you
Oh, baby, it's all
All
This is the last stop, Dad.
Get rid of it.
Oh, I plan to.
And my best customer will be getting
the deal of his life, thanks to you.
Okay, if you're trying
to make me feel guilty
for keeping my son out of
juvie, it's not working.
How many diapers do you need?
Uh, I'll get 'em. I'm going
to do this one alone.
(DOOR CLOSES)
Keep an eye on your mother
for me, will you?
You're being a real
C-U-Next-Tuesday.
He's never gonna
want to live with us now.
He was never gonna
live with us, Henry.
(CELL PHONE RINGING)
LAURA: Shit. (SCOFFS)
I gotta take this.
Hi. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah.
Okay.
One thing at a time, Sofia.
Jack, it's so good
to see you, my friend.
Oh, my goodness. (LAUGHING)
- Come on in. Come on in.
- You bet.
(COUGHS)
You know, I'll open a bottle
of Macallan 25.
Oh, boy.
I've been saving it
for somebody worthy.
Well, you better put it
in a to-go cup.
My daughter
is pouting in the car.
Why, she doesn't want
to come in?
She's taking some kind
of stand.
I don't know what I've done.
I probably tried
to help her, I guess.
Well, my... My daughter Jennie
hasn't spoken to me
since I forgot to thank her
at the Globes in '93.
She was nine, Jack. Holy moly.
- Well, straight to business, then.
- To business. Yeah, you bet.
And here is the moolah.
(JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING ON RECORD)
- JOEY: How you doing, Jack?
- JACK: I don't know.
Maybe it's time to retire.
Nope, word's not allowed in the house.
Especially about Jack Jaconi.
Well, I've been thinking
about it.
Spending some time
with my family.
They're awful,
but they can't help it.
(LAUGHING)
LAURA: Her party won't be a
disaster, Sofia. I promise.
I...
Please calm down, please. Look,
I'm asking you as a friend.
I mean, give me
the benefit of the doubt.
Just give me a few days
to figure it out.
True's party's gonna be perfect.
I promise.
No.
I know. Well,
I'm sorry I let you down.
I... No, I don't expect you
to loan me the money for it.
I... I... I know.
(ENGINE REVVING)
MAN: (DISTORTED VOICE) Do you
want them to call the cops?
Turn the fucking music down.
Hey, if anything goes wrong,
start shooting.
Hurry up.
(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
- Do you think they're after Grandpa?
- I don't know.
- Should we call the cops?
- No, we can't call the cops.
What if they kill him?
(SIGHS)
(LAUGHING)
Oh.
I've been meaning
to tell this to you.
I think that you
are a decent guy.
I think you have a good heart.
Sometimes bad guys
need to hear that.
(LAUGHING)
(DOORBELL RINGS)
(KNOCKS AT DOOR)
- The masseuse.
- Huh?
The masseuse.
Sure you don't want to stay? She'll
rub everything but your cock.
Since when does Joey Carlisle
need to pay a woman to touch him?
Since my pubes turned white.
- (BOTH LAUGHING)
- (DOORBELL CONTINUES RINGING)
Okay.
MAN: (DISTORTED VOICE) Surprise,
motherfucker. Hands up.
Turn around. Turn around.
Hands up.
Hurry the fuck up.
(SLIDER PLAYS)
COOPER: (DISTORTED VOICE)
Hands up! Hands up!
JOEY: Jesus Christ.
MAN: (DISTORTED VOICE)
Go! Against the wall. Go.
Nailed a nose before...
MAN: Where's our money?
Where's the money?
- Where's the money?
- I don't know. I'm stoned.
It's on the counter
over there.
I could
never understand...
It's in here.
It was
like a ball of love...
MAN:
Okay, take off your clothes.
- What?
- You heard me.
Take off your shirts.
At least take off your shirts.
COOPER: Why do they have to
take their shirts off?
MAN: They could have guns
under their shirts, you idiot.
- We don't. Don't worry.
- MAN: Turn around!
Tell them again.
COOPER: (NORMAL VOICE)
Just stay still. Shit!
(GRUNTS)
(ELECTRICITY CRACKLING)
COOPER: (DISTORTED VOICE)
I said hold still!
Oh, Cooper.
COOPER: (IN NORMAL VOICE)
No.
JOEY: Yep.
It says "Cooper's a badass"
right there on your shoe.
COOPER: I'm not Cooper!
MAN: (NORMAL VOICE)
I told you not to wear those!
COOPER: I didn't know
his eyesight was so good.
Only my grandson
would be dumb enough
to think he could
pull a stunt like this off.
- COOPER: It's not... I'm...
- JACK: Your grandson?
Yes. Yes, my grandson.
COOPER: Just... Okay, everybody
just shut the fuck up!
- And this is his friend?
- I'm afraid so.
- COOPER: I didn't know.
- MAN: I didn't wear the shoes!
- COOPER: This was your idea!
- MAN: What the hell's going on?
Robbed by some
prepubescent booger eaters?
Why'd you have to ruin it,
Grandpa, huh?
Why do you always
gotta ruin shit?
Why didn't you just let us have the money?
It's not like...
Don't hurt my father,
motherfucker!
COOPER: Holy fucking shit!
- MAN: Oh.
- COOPER: God damn it.
Little shits left us here
to die.
(BREATHING HEAVILY)
What just happened?
Honey, you saved our lives.
Yeah.
I mean, how can, uh...
How can we repay you?
Oh, my God,
I'm just glad I was here.
I mean, that was amazing.
Did you see them run?
Yeah, they ran out
like two scared kids.
You think, you think
they're coming back?
I think we'd better
get out of here,
'cause I'm pretty sure
they were cartel.
- Oh, cartel, yeah.
- Cartel cartel?
- Yeah. Cartel, yeah.
- And they were afraid of me?
Well, you came in here like a freaking
maniac with that bow and arrow.
Even I was scared of you.
(CELL PHONE RINGING)
JACK: Oh, no. No. Please.
(CELL PHONE RINGING)
Hang on a minute.
Yeah, Sofia, this,
this isn't really a good time.
Yeah.
Yeah.
You know what?
There isn't gonna be
a white tiger, okay?
Yeah, I didn't book it.
You know why?
Because they are extinct,
and the few left in this world
don't want to spend the day
with you and your
freaking spoiled daughter,
so figure that shit out
on your own, okay?
(STAMMERS)
And you know what else?
We're not friends.
No, we're not.
We... We haven't been friends since
you made me return your stripper gear
to every Buffalo Exchange
in Seattle, so...
Fuck off, former friend!
(INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING)
(MUSIC CONTINUES)
(CHUCKLES)
Hello!
(CAR DOOR CLOSES)
(SCREAMS)
Dad.
How was the drive?
Well, your sister scared away some
cartel members and saved my life.
Whoa.
Way to go, Laura-san.
Guess how much I paid
for this painting.
You're right. It was free.
My friends found it
in the dog park in a dumpster,
and they were like,
"Jojo will want this."
And then they
presented it to me,
and I was like,
"Heck, yeah, I do."
Who wouldn't want a totally
touching oil painting
of a mother dog helping
her pup cross a stream?
JACK: A lot of people.
Well, whoever
threw it away, yeah.
Well... (CHUCKLES)
This is not
the Waldorf Astoria.
Okay, Dad,
let me give you a tour
before you judge
your new home. Hmm?
- Yeah.
- Okay, so... Excuse me.
Over here, this is where I do
my Pilates about once a week.
And this is where
I have my coffee. Delish.
Oh, this is my amazing roommate,
Fritz, who also sells marijuana,
so the two of you
will have a lot to chat about.
- Papa-san.
- No.
And this is what has now
become the family bed.
Who would have thought
the four of us,
with four dogs,
together in a family bed?
Does it get any better?
- I sure hope so.
- Dad, come on.
You're about to take up half
of her 400 square feet.
She's trying to look
on the bright side.
Well, I'm not seeing it.
Laura, I think I might know
what would cheer Dad up.
- No.
- Yes, and yes, and yes.
- No.
- And yes.
(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
Okay, okay, okay.
All right, Dad.
Remember that night
you lost $60,000
on a bad Super Bowl bet
and we did a performance
to take away
the sting a little?
- It didn't.
- Well, even though back then
it was appropriate
to perform the dance
- in our underwear...
- It wasn't.
Well, tonight,
we are fully clothed.
Ready, Fritz?
Ready? Lights.
(CHUCKLES)
(EXHALES)
Okay.
(GLORIA PLAYS)
Gloria
You're always
on the run now
Running after somebody
You gotta get him somehow
Will you marry
for the money?
Take a lover
in the afternoon?
If everybody wants you
Why isn't anybody calling?
You don't have to answer
Leave 'em hangin'
on the line
Oh
Calling Gloria
Gloria...
(BOTH CHUCKLE)
Well, that was underwhelming.
Dad, what does it take
to impress you?
I mean, do I have to save
a life or cure cancer?
You want me to stop
a live rape?
Yeah, that would impress me.
Well, I'm not a superhero,
Dad, okay?
I'm just a regular
35-year-old woman.
I'm going to my room.
Excuse me.
(SIGHS)
Can we get something to eat?
- What's wrong with you?
- JACK: Nothing.
Doesn't feel like nothing.
Well, you
drive me across the entire
country just to get rid of me.
Is that what you think?
We're getting rid of you?
Well, you might as well check
me back into another home.
You wanted to be there.
You chose that place.
It was my only option.
- LAURA: It wasn't your only option.
- I'm hungry.
You could have made the tiniest effort.
You could have stayed with us.
You could have given me
one tiny rule.
That's literally the only thing
I can do to protect myself.
- From what? From whom?
- I'm really hungry.
- From you.
- Oh, so now I'm a serial killer?
No, you're just the one
who can hurt me the most.
I'm really fucking hungry!
Seriously, guys,
figure it out already.
(BREATHING HEAVILY)
I need to eat.
(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
(SIGHS)
(SIGHS)
(CLEARS THROAT)
- WAITRESS: Ready to order?
- Oh.
Yeah, we'll have one
of everything.
WAITRESS: Everything?
Yeah, one order
of every dish on the menu.
The kid needs to eat.
(WAITRESS CALLING OU INDISTINCTLY)
WAITRESS:
One order, mixed vegetables!
"When troubles come, they come not
single spies, but in battalions."
JOJO: Oh, my gosh.
LAURA: Don't get too excited.
What a lazy Susan
this one is.
(LAUGHING)
Was there lobster on the menu?
(INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING)
He's gone.
I know.
He took the car.
He left you this.
Oh...
What's wrong? What's wrong?
Sister-san, come here. Come on.
Don't, don't, don't cry.
I always knew
he wasn't gonna stay.
I just thought
I'd get to see you and Henry.
This would be so much easier
if he was an asshole.
Oh, you know what? He is.
Feels just as shitty
as when we were kids.
Well, think of how it feels
for him.
Here he has two great kids,
super successful, amazing,
brilliant dancers.
And yet he chooses to spend
time with other people's kids.
- Who are other people's kids?
- Everybody else.
- What'd he give you?
- $20,000 worth of marijuana.
And Blind Poodle.
How about you?
It's money for Henry's school.
Shit, what am I
gonna tell Henry?
HENRY: I already know.
We're in a studio apartment.
Are you okay?
I guess I just realized
why you love animals so much.
JOJO:
It's gonna be okay, Laura.
You're a survivor, like all
those animals you save.
How'd you end up being
the sane one?
Guess I've just always seen
Dad for who he really is.
Someone we love?
Yeah, only slightly better
than our worst ex-boyfriend.
That is so sad.
We'll never be more interesting
than Dad's adventures.
I always used to think that if
I could be like Debbie Gibson
or Tiffany or Robert Smith
of The Cure, then maybe...
Yes.
But it's a no-go, so...
I think you're interesting.
(JOJO GIGGLING)
Ain't nobody gonna break
your stride
Ain't nobody
gonna slow you down
- Oh, no
- Oh, no
- I got to keep on movin'
- All right
Ain't no one
gonna break my stride
Ain't no one
gonna slow me down
- Oh, no
- Oh, no
I got to keep on movin'
(BREAK MY STRIDE PLAYS)
Ain't nothin'
gonna break my stride
Here. Come back.
Oh no,
I got to keep on moving
Ain't nothin'
gonna break my stride
Nobody gonna slow me down
- Oh, no
- Oh, no
I got to keep on moving
Ain't nothin'
gonna break my stride
I'm running
and I won't touch ground
Oh no,
I got to keep on movin'
Ain't nothin'
gonna break my stride...
LAURA: Uh...
This is it, I think.
Right here.
Yeah. (GASPS)
Yeah, there it is.
Okay.
Could you roll me? Quick.
Yeah, sure.
Okay, back of the sleeves.
- I'll be like five minutes, okay?
- Okay.
Hi.
Nice wheels.
- SERG: Thanks.
- Nice puppy!
- Hey.
- Hi.
I missed you.
Yes, I did.
- Oh, I missed you so much.
- Yeah, she missed you, too.
Nice sling.
Oh, only the best
for the best.
She did okay?
Oh, yeah,
we found ourselves a routine.
Eat, sleep, poop, repeat.
Well, thank you.
Uh, I was thinking I could...
You know, I could hang onto
her for a few more days,
let you get some rest.
You fell in love with her,
didn't you?
- Oh, you did.
- It snuck up on me.
I haven't slept more than
45 minutes at a time,
so my judgment could be
slightly clouded, but...
But I actually enjoyed
the chaos.
Look at you. Spoken like
a true dog rescuer.
How was the trip?
It was... It was good.
I think what you do for these
animals is, is amazing.
They do more for me. I just
feed them when they're hungry.
Uh, so Friday?
Our date?
Yeah?
Sure.
Yes!
Yes.
(INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING)
Well, at least we got money
for private school.
That's pretty cool, isn't it?
Yeah.
I'm so sorry, Henry.
I don't even know what to say.
I know you're disappointed.
(SIGHS)
We're gonna be okay.
Yeah?
I'm sorry
I didn't realize that before.
(KNOCKS AT DOOR)
What is that?
MAN: FBI! Open up!
Jesus. Shit.
He must have stuffed some weed
in our bags.
- MAN: FBI!
- Fuck!
(BARKING)
MAN: FBI! Open up!
God. Fuck. Shit.
- Shit, shit, shit!
- What do we do?
- Just go...
- FBI! Open up!
Okay, flush anything
you find. Okay?
I don't know, chuck the
suitcases out the window.
- Hurry. Go.
- FBI!
Open up,
or we take the door down!
(LAUGHS)
You bunch of chickenshits.
I heard you scrambling around.
"Flush everything!"
Oh, for Jesus Christ.
You could never be a criminal
if your life depended on it.
You were very convincing.
What are you doing?
- Did you drive here?
- Yeah, I left yesterday.
Oh, yes.
My place is here
with you two fuck-ups.
You want to live here?
With us?
I don't know if I'm
capable of change, but...
I sure as hell
would like to try.
I mean, well, I should be enjoying
my, uh, twilight years, but...
I've...
I've been inspired by Gandhi.
(WHISTLES)
Who's this?
Gandhi.
Uh, I found him in a dumpster.
Can you believe someone would throw
this son of a bitch away? Gee...
(JACK EXCLAIMS)
(SPEAKING GIBBERISH)
Good morning.
Morning. (CLEARS THROAT)
You went food shopping?
Well, the kid would starve to death
with what you had in the fridge.
Uh, I made him lunch, too.
A joint and an apple?
Well, I thought that, uh, might
help him make some friends.
(GUITAR MUSIC PLAYING)
When we were younger,
we thought
Everyone was on our side
Then we grew a little
And romanticized
the time I saw
Flowers in your hair
See, it takes
a boy to live
It takes a man
to pretend he was there...
Yeah, looks like you got
yourself a ragtag crew.
Yeah, you're liable to be
homecoming king.
Are you gonna take me
to school from now on?
Oh, well, your mom could use, you
know, a few days sleeping in.
She works hard,
in case you hadn't noticed.
So you'll be here
to pick me up?
I'm not taking any
of these other weirdos home.
Jack, I...
Mm?
I drew this for you.
It's your soul.
(THIS WILL BE OUR YEAR
PLAYS)
The warmth of your love's
Like the warmth
from the sun
And this will be our year
took a long time to come
Don't let go of my hand
now darkness has gone
This will be our year
took a long time to come
And I won't forget
the way you helped me
Up when I was down
and I won't forget
The way you said
darling I love you
You gave me faith to go on
Now we're there
and we've only just begun
This will be our year
took a long time to come
The warmth of your smile
smile for me, little one
And this will be our year
took a long time to come
My, my, my
(HARD PILL TO SWALLOW PLAYS)
It's a hard pill
to swallow
When I know
you've been doing me wrong
It's a hard pill
to swallow
And I know
you've been doing me wrong
It's so hard to leave you
And it's even harder
to be alone
I call up my doctor
And I call my lawyer, too
They say,
"We can't help you
"There ain't nothing
we can do"
I can't sleep
at night, y'all
And all of my love is left
He took my heart
along with him
And left me to sweat
It's a hard pill
to swallow
When I know
you've been doing me wrong
It's so hard to leave you
And it's even harder
to be alone
It's a hard pill
to swallow
When I know
you've been doing me wrong
It's so hard to leave you
And it's even harder
to be alone
It's so hard to leave you
And it's even harder
to be alone