This story my story is a confession.
Lucky for you, they're the hottest of all stories.
Ask any priest.
He might tell you to watch and learn from my sins.
Or maybe you'd rather sit back and wait for the dirty parts.
Be my guest.
I'm not Catholic, but I've met enough priests
to know one thing about confessions:
they're always anonymous.
So in the spirit of anonymity, call me X
All this drama started about a year ago.
I'm on my way to work. Not looking for anything.
Honestly, you don't know me yet.
To the average transit rider it appears
I'm cruising a random hottie.
But this is no random hottie.
He was in my Abnormal Psych class back at U. W.
Thing is, I hadn't found him remotely arousing in school.
But now Blondie looked different.
Actually, he looked the same,
I just looked at him differently.
I was feeling something I hadn't felt since seventh grade.
Forgive me Father, I felt lustful.
Don't worry, this doesn't end with me in his beefy arms--
although I do spend a few choice moments in them.
This isn't really about him at all.
It's about me.
And
And I'm late for work.
If you're smart you've guessed I'm a hustler.
If you haven't, here are two clues:
I'm gay and they made a movie about me.
Try to keep up.
I'm not your typical picture-in-the-back-of-the
fag-rag hustler.
I work by referral only.
And I charge a lot.
Supposedly I'm worth it.
I keep my client list to a trim twelve regulars
who have the resources to accommodate my lifestyle.
I think of them as my disciples.
There's The Judge
Mr. Jowls
Chaps
Daddy's Boy
Gin Martini
The Accoun tant
Father of Six. . .
The Mummy. . .
Screamer. . .
Bruce Lee. . .
Breath Mints. . .
and Barely Breathing.
Unfortunately for me, Barely Breathing
stopped breathing last week.
It wasn't even natural causes like you'd think.
So, lucky for Gregory, that leaves an opening.
He's supposed to be some old recluse.
A geezer.
That'll be his name.
Geezer.
The old gays depress me sometimes.
Not because l'm getting old myself,
but because of the shit they had to go through
to get where they are.
Which is often nowhere.
You must be X.
Of course at the time he used my real name.
Well, my real hustler name.
Anyway this is just for the movie.
To protect the innocent.
Thanks for saving me from an afternoon
of Judge Judy.
Great view.
When the University bought the building, only a few
of the original tenants stayed .
The smart ones .
The rich ones .
I think I like this one.
My sense of humor and kind a hot.
For seventy-nine.
I graduated from here.
Ah, I've often wondered what became of our illustrious alumni
I'm not sure I'm typical .
I suspect not.
I wasn't sure what you'd want.
Water's all I need .
Only accept drinks that are factory sealed.
Tell me about your life.
I want to know the course our romance will take.
Romance?
He objects to the term romance
Probably doesn't kiss .
Very Klute.
Surely a lad of your experience--
what are you, thirty?
Twenty-five.
Well, surely you realize no real sex is possible
without some degree of romance.
We'll see.
A man who knows the price of everything
and the value of nothing
Thank you, Oscar Wilde.
Bet that surprised you too, cute and smart.
But he's a whore, there must be something wrong with him
Eat me.
Do you enjoy chocolate?
These range from fifty to ninety percent purity.
The ninety is too intense for words .
You've never been in love?
Unless you count my cousin when I was twelve.
That counts.
I still remember when I first told a man I loved him .
I can imagine.
Look, it's cool chatting, but it's in your
best interest to let me know what you'd like to do .
A visit usually takes an hour.
An hour?
Hardly worth showering .
Patience, my boy.
Our time will come.
But not until you desire me as much as I desire you .
Never had a check bounce, never been stiffed.
Normally I don't take the let's just talk clients.
They're the ones who get clingy.
Who act like they own you and get all Jeffrey Dahmer.
I prefer to fuck their brains out,
take my money and split.
But there was something interesting about Gregory,
besides the size of his check.
As much cash as I bring in,
I still have two roommates because--
Who's that?
Joey? !
Andrew?
That was yours?!
Andrew.
That's who this is really about.
I'm not normally into black guys,
but Andrew's hotter than the seventh plane of hell.
I could tell he wanted me a little
But we'd lived together a year now,
and nothing more than an occasional flirt passed between us.
Okay maybe he didn't want me but --
I'm obsessing over my roommate.
But Andrew's like, boyfriend material.
Not for me of course, but for somebody.
Who was he?
What's that?
It's Jill
She's
Jill was his evil ex-fiancee.
I only thought she was evil because she'd done him
and I
I hadn't.
Was the bitch dead?
Is she dead?
Jesus ! No !
She's getting married .
You should a seen your face.
I was just being aghast out of respect.
So what happened with the smoked ham back there?
Nothing
Right
Seriously, I got the letter and kind a got out ta the mood .
You were in the mood?
We met on the bus, he offered .
He's totally hot. Why not?
In the year he lived here, Andrew only hooked up with one guy
and they just jacked off so it did n't really count.
Because you're not a slut.
I thought that was one of Joey's .
Maybe I was horny.
Why should it matter to you?
I hate you.
I guess I gave you more credit than you deserved .
Oh, that's priceless coming from you
And thereinlies my problem folks.
A hustler with morals.
A whore who is not a slut.
Outside of work, I haven't had sex, mutual masturbation
or otherwise since I was twelve.
And that was only once.
Sometimes I consider myself a virgin, since I was
a minor when it happened.
In school I knew three Mormon girls who swore any
activity on the planet that didn't involve breaking
their hymens left them virgins.
Why haven't I had sex?
I'm saving myself for someone I love.
Okay.
Let's play the X-is-a-prostitute game.
Nothing I say means anything because
I'm just a prostitute.
I don't need a hooker calling me a slut.
If you guys don't fuck soon, I'm going to slit my wrists !
And Joey makes the family complete.
We met a year ago when my accountant suggested
I get roommates to keep the IRS off my back.
Joey was the first to respond.
But he had a GED, so he wasn't a total loser.
He comes in and asks to live ren't-free.
I agreed.
Shit, I'm only human.
He's hit on me every day since.
My speech impediment is because of my extra long tongue.
But he is so not right for me
in so many ways.
I mean first off until last week he was a minor.
You're worse than all of my parents,
but not as old .
Okay guys, check this out!
Out to my room !
See the guy outside the cafe?
He's way cute up close.
It's Scooter.
The Scooter?
Yeah
He just started there.
Who's Scooter?
My back-up plan .
The boy Joey ruined
The only guy who's ever loved me.
Like truly
Joey was too chicken to actually break up with him
So I cheated on him to get him to break up with me.
He kept forgiving me so I just stopped calling him .
That's cruel .
Whatever, I'm your back-up plan .
Admit it.
I don't have a back-up plan .
Every one has a back-up plan .
Who's yours?
I guess it was Jill
Baby let me loosen those weary old bones
I'm sure his bones are plenty loose already.
What were you guys moaning about?
Nothing
X got pissy with me because I brought a guy home.
You brought a guy home?
Like a trick?
Why is it so shocking that I could have a trick?
It's not that it's congratulations !
You're a stage two fag !
What?
You were stage one for like a year.
You first come out and think you're not gonna be slutty
so you can find this perfect boyfriend who's also not slutty.
That's when I met Scooter.
Eighth grade.
He's not kidding
But now, you're stage two .
Have fun .
See a hot guy, screw around .
I don't know if I'd go that far
but maybe I'm transitioning .
So what's the next stage?
It's like
thirty.Old age.
Don't worry. Some of us dig older men .
So,now that I'm getting into my sexually adventurous stage.
We'll have to stock up on shampoo for the crabs .
Don't be such a dick pump .
Maybe I don't like seeing my friends
throw away their morals .
I've always been slutty and you don't hold it against me.
That's because I have different standards for you .
You are an asshole.
So you've met my nuclear reactor family.
Three hot studs, horny for each other,
living in one apartment.
Like a bad porno only without the sex.
If you're waiting for my sensitive fag hag,
don't hold your breath.
Lucy's too much of a like to hag for anyone,
fag or otherwise.
I never say much to her, but she has a knack
for reading my mind.
She's pretty much the only woman in my life.
It's not a sexism thing, the only thing I have
against women is that men aren't more like them.
How'd it go with Gregory?
I knew this would work out.
I'm so glad you needed a new john .
Ever since she figured out what I do, it's been like
a spy game she's been dying to get involved with.
You know, he never leaves that place.
He's ordered lunch delivered from us for like six years
What's he into?
I knew it.
Total bore.
I bet he just sits and talks
Probably doesn't even want to fuck.
Just gets his jollies by imagining being you .
A busybody, but she's always right on.
Remember I've probably said like fifteen sentences
to her since we met.
Fuckin'customers
Can't wait to hear more, babe.
There is one other woman in my life.
I'm not really religious but this particular virgin
has a somewhat cunty expression like
she's demanding a child support check from God.
She inspires me.
I spotted her cruising me at a book store and
convinced the assistant manager to sell her to me
for two hundred bucks.
What was the artist feeling as he painted her face?
Daring to know the mother of God.
I look at her and my soul slips into her left nipple.
Virgin becomes whore. God becomes slave.
Fantasies never make sense.
I understand what it is to be a gay man.
That's his third trick this week.
But who's counting?
God, I feel like Joey.
Exposed and rejected.
My hand is never confused over how it feels about me.
I feel omnipotent that I can give myself such pleasure.
When I cum I throw my head back hard.
Two seconds later I feel content.
Then wasted.
Then morose.
The orgasm is a trap but masturbation is bliss.
I even masturbate after a trick.
It's an eraser.
As you may have gathered I'm a touch antisocial.
Boy Kultur is the only gay club I've been to more than once.
They let me in free because Joey used to fuck the doorman
It's not a scary leather den tweaker cave or guppy aquarium
but all those types sort of fit in.
Anything goes at Boy Kultur, which is rare
in our Neapolitan gay community where every flavor
is separate but equal.
So what do I do at Boy Kultur?
Sit mostly.
Thinking sometimes, but mostly sitting.
I always claim the stool next door so no one
gets the crazy idea I'm available
I like watching the playful dance
of the cruise and pick up.
A mating ritual more elaborate than anything
on the Discovery Channel.
Why do guys pass themselves around so freely?
I mean, I have a lot of sex but only if I'm being paid.
I get something in return.
You may think that's the lowest of low,
but isn't it better than spreading for any smooth operator
for a Bud Light and cab fare?
Maybe it comes down to pleasure.
But do they get that much pleasure
from all these hook-ups ?
There's so much energy put into cruising,
socialization
fashion
months at the gym
Myoplex shakes.
finally you get laid
and never hear from the fucker again.
Then you invest all your energy and money back into
grooming working out, making yourself perfect again
for the next lay
If gay guys stopped spending so much time hooking up,
we'd have fucking da Vincis everywhere.
Mind if I sit here?
Shit.
Fight or flight?
Boy, you look lost in thought.
No, I'm just trying to have a moment here.
I'm not looking for anything sleazy.
Unless you are.
What exactly do you think makes you so hot?
What do you have that a million guys just like you don't?
So what makes you so hot?
I don't know, why don't you tell me?
Game-playing asshole.
What, you were expecting a heart of gold?
Forgive me Father, I was selfish.
I couldn't decide whether to hop in
or flush all the toilets and start the dishwasher,
so I just stood there.
He's got presence.
He reads number one best sellers wears clothes out of hampers,
makes any one feel at ease.
He's everything I'm not.
And I find that incredibly sexy.
That anonymous fuck couldn't possibly see what I do.
How long have you been standing there?
How long have you been jerking off to Andrew?
I was not jerking off
Nice boner
I'm still pissed at you
I wouldn't even be talking to you if I wasn't feeling so
benevolent after getting reamed by the biggest dick
I've ever seen
That anonymous fuck was yours?
Oh yeah
Who a make that the second biggest I've ever seen
Made you look
By our fifth date, I was convinced Geezer was the
real thing and made him my twelfth disciple.
So Joey's versing Andrew on the art of being a slut.
It's sad to watch
So is he your type?
Andrew?
I do n't have types .
I have clients .
How noble.
Who's this ?
Are we changing subjects?
Do you mind?
Seems like an admission of guilt.
Guilty of what?
Emotion?
That's a portrait of my first lover.
My only lover.
We were together fifty years .
Fifty years?
His name is Renaldo .
He's dead now.
You both look so young .
We were.
He was the son of the building custodian.
He was poor and sinewy.
I was rich and spoiled even then,the little prince.
How D.H.Lawrence
The first time I saw him, I knew he'd be with me
for the rest of my life.
Or his, as it turned out.
How could you tell?
We had a chemistry.
But there was something else.
Something peculiar because--
He was everything you weren't.
Which was the cause, I believe of our sexual heat.
I remember the day we first fucked .
Jesus
The waves on the Sound were louder than thunder
I was a teenager.
We'd just moved here from Brussels.
I was supposed to be in my quarters, but I'd slipped out
to watch Renaldo work from there.
As I waited to catch a glimpse of him,
I was distracted by the growing storm.
Suddenly a weight came crashing down.
It was Renaldo .
And?
He said What are you doing here?
My defenses told me to say None of your business
But I took a chance and said Waiting for you
That's when he took me.
Took you?
He fucked you right there on the stairwell?
In like, 1918?
Well the year is off.
A little.
You're a whore, men have the best sex
of their life with you.
But make no mistake, the only worthwhile sex
is when both parties are doing it to please themselves first.
I had no idea what was physically possible
between two boys until we kissed
Then what?
Well, let's save that for next time.
Waiting for you
The words haunted me
Another date?
Another trick?
Actually, no .
Jill's wedding is next weekend
Will you come with me?
People might think
I dated her because I was in love with her brother Matthew.
He was gorgeous and funny and so protective.
And cocky.
And self-centered .
Probably why you loved him .
We were together for three years .
Except for the gay thing, I really loved her.
I left her to find my soul mate.
And you don't want to show up empty-handed
Partly that.
And partly to have a trial run with you .
That was the fastest erection I ever got
A top. Thank God.
Trial run?
Yeah. A weekend together.
Go to Portland get this thing out of our system .
Two seconds ago you're talking about looking for
your soulmate and now it's about this thing
you want to get out of your system?
I just meant get to know each other.
You do not know me?
You've lived with me for a year!
X, nobody knows you .
Ouch.
Let me be the first.
I don't want to be one of your hookups
Not in front of the Beaver.
I am so in love!
Interrupting something?
Please.
Who's your latest victim?
I like to think of them as host bodies .
for my heart.
So you're swearing off other men?
I'm in love. Not insane.
He wants an open relationship .
It's perfect.
And you discussed this on your first date?
Our first date's tonight.
I'm at the bus stop and this beautiful guy comes up to me
and says ''smile.''
I looked at him .
And I did .
That's the worst come on line ever.
It pisses me off when guys say that.
I'll be perfectly fine.
Then some asshole says smile.
Like I'm in a bad mood, and if I am I owe it to him
to cover it up and make his world a brighter place.
You're sensitive for an ice queen .
You know what line pisses me off?
I'm not normally into black guys but
They need to be shot.
It's like on this must be my lucky night.
You're feeling abnormal
and I'm black.
I like any come on line.
They're compliments .
How can you have too many compliments?
Leave it here it's that Stella Stevens prostitute movie.
I loved prostitute movies.
Liz Taylor in Butterfield 8.
Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman.
Marlene Dietrich in every movie she made.
As a kid I thought prostitutes were
the most beautiful creatures alive.
They were wise-cracking, extravagant,
and you always learned from them.
I felt destined to join the ranks of all the
Hollywood actresses who'd ever played a prostitute.
I asked my mother if I could be a prostitute
when I grew up.
She simply said
No
X, who was your first date?
What does that have do to with anything?
This is an ambush?
Andrew and I don't know anything about you,
so let's start with something big .
Well, let's just say that some dentists open wide
for their patients .
Your dentist had sex with you?
Hot.
And paid me.
How old were you?
My last two years of high school
It happened more than once?
Almost weekly.
Was he cute?
Not particularly.
That's molestation .
He should be put away.
They should erect a statue of him .
It paid for college.
But you were like a minor.
He took advantage of you .
Who's barely 18 and already blown half the Seahawks?
I'm attracted to them, it's consensual .
I was attracted to the money.
I don't have issues with hustling if someone chooses it,
I just have a problem with people pushing kids into it.
Are you considering choosing it?
Hell no .
I'm living rent free.
Young man you need to get a job or go to school
Forgive me Father, I was too lazy to do more
than pretend everything would be alright.
The next day was a big happy family day.
The last one for a while.
park We strolled through Volunteer park.
Cruised hotties on Broadway.
Then went home and mutually masturbated.
You wish.
Check that one out.
I have to have him .
You're kidding
I want my Ding
I want my Dong .
I give'me three weeks .
Once more with sarcasm you sounded a little too jealous
I'm go in an take both of them .
Anyone wanna dance?
Watch Blowy Joey in action?
C'mon, X.
Come shake your money-maker.
I'm not covered for shaken money-maker syndrome. Sorry.
Laters, Taters
Sorry if I freaked you out last night.
I'm not that freakable.
Still, come to the wedding .
As a favor to a friend .
I thought you weren't out to anyone back there.
That's what the trip's for.
I do not think I can do it alone.
You talk to your mother every week.
It'll be fine.
No, it's different.
A middle-class black family from Oregon?
It's always different.
For every family.
What'd your family do?
They never noticed when I left home, so I certainly
didn't call to tell them who I was fucking .
I thought you hadn't fucked anyone
since you were twelve.
You know what I mean .
I wish I did .
I'll go .
As a friend .
They're totally taking me to a bathroom stall
Andrew?
Will you stand guard?
You owe me big .
Thank you B.R.B !
You might find it domestic, but there's
a certain sense of power that a garden gives you
It's almost godlike.
Got shit?
Buttloads .
I just put Junior to bed .
He's growing so fast.
Well, I didn't check that.
Are you in love with me?
Absolutely not.
Why did I say that?
Oh god whatever you do do not jump off this building.
I thought I was in love with you .
For the longest time.
Until I realized we couldn't be together.
Why, you want an open relationship too?
Actually, yeah . Partly that.
You've been spending too much time
in the land of Blowy Joey.
Okay, you'd give up hooking for a relationship?
Don't call it that.
You'd give up your career for monogamy?
That's not cheating. That's just business .
Don't even pretend you don't know how fucked up that sounds .
To the logical person it makes sense.
Would you ever consider quitting?
I make a lot of fucking money.
I can't do anything else.
I do not want to do anything else, I'm good at it.
I got nothing but love for you baby,
but you're twenty-five.
And that's already over the hill for a lot of logical people.
And working at a videostore has a promising future?
It's legal .
So, if I were dating you, I could sleep with my same
twelve clients, as long as I didn't get paid?
If it made you happy.
Getting paid makes me happy.
It hurts me.
You fucking anything with a clever screen name hurts me.
It's like anyone can fulfill you .
What would make me special?
But if I charged them, you'd be okay with that?
What makes me special?
There's nothing special about you
I'm Kidding .
That's your problem .
You're too funny for your own good
You know why I do not always listen to you?
Because sometimes I do not feel like laughing
No .
The real problem is, I used to live with a decent,
attractive guy who sometimes I imagined dating one day.
But that guy has become a very ugly faggot who will
suck off anything with a cock and probably die
long before achieving his dream of becoming manager of Videomania.
Forgive me Father, I was wrathful.
Okay, you win .
Always do .
Is that a cross word?
Yeah
Sometimes you amaze me.
Andrew says to say he's not talking to you .
Well, tell Andrew
Make it good, 'cause you each get one message.
I do not wanna be asking people to
pass the lube to each other.
Just tell him I said ''okay.''
''Okay.'' Clever, could go either way.
X?
I'm not so amazing .
Huh ?
There's a really cute guy at the laundromat who always
does the cross word while he's waiting .
So I do it ahead of time.
Then if he looks stuck, I can help him and act like
I just thought up the answer.
You still amaze me.
I'm eighteen and I've do not have a job or a boyfriend .
How can I ever be rich and famous if I don't
even do anything?
Why is it that gays always feel forty at eighteen ?
That's what college is for.
X?
Yes?
You amaze me too .
I'm a monster.
So, was the dentist your first?
And there's a story.
About a friend .
Not about you .
Okay, this story's about cousins .
Teenagers .
Barely.
Do they have names?
Let's call the older one Andy,and the younger one
John?
John .
Let's call them that.
Andy was a jock and the center of attention.
He entertained the family with tales
of making first string.
John was pudgy and awkward, and the only string
he cared about was the one holding up Andy's sweats.
Oh dear.
One Sunday, pick any one, they're alone
in the basement TV room.
Andy blurts out I got a girlfriend.
This chick from school, Jennifer.
John hates her name. It's silly and common .
It's no Andy
''What's she look like?'' John asks.
''A whole lot better'n you. ''
It's just a joke, but it kills something in John,
who says sure took you long enough to start dating girls.
Andy twists John's arm .
''What are you trying to say?
I told you I finally have a girlfriend
because you're my best friend
And John?
Some tears.
Andy apologizes.
He says, I'm just kidding.
I'll always like you better than her
And then ?
Let's save that for the next visit.
U h-u h . I'm not falling for that old ruse.
Next visit begins now.
Andy brushes his head against John's cheek.
Touches his lips .
Like the horny virgins they are, it all happens .
Mmm .
Horny love-struck virgins .
How was it?
Unbelievable.
I remember every single thing we did in those
thirty-seven minutes.
It was the first and only time I've ever been taken .
It won't be the last.
I certainly hope not.
Anyway when it's over, Andy panics .
He tells John it's wrong, it can't ever happen again.
He runs away.
John's devastated .
What does he do?
He walks home.
Twelve miles.
When Andy calls, John won't answer.
They never really talk again .
Poor Andy.
Poor Andy?
I suppose you think Renaldo and I were happy from the start,
but it's just not true.
After our first encounter, he was unavailable for weeks .
Where'd he go?
I never knew, but when he returned, I confronted him
I said, you're avoiding me.
You're afraid of feeling towards me the way
a man feels towards a lover.
And?
That night he held me so close.
I knew he loved me.
So maybe Andy
Perhaps .
I hadn't thought about Andy for years .
And Andrew, the similarity of their names
is not lost on me.
The next few days were awkward around the house.
Andrew was ignoring me.
And Joey
I hate you both !
Andrew, I'm sorry.
So I poured myself in to my work.
Twelve steps to a happier me.
You look handsome.
Going out?
I haven't left this apartment for eight years .
I'm just trying to vary the scenery.
What makes you available to night?
I guess I'm avoiding home.
Why haven't you left your apartment?
I haven't left since Renaldo died?
Oh, what's this?
I'm ready, Gregory.
I desire you as much as you desire me.
You don't desire me.
You're just confused and lonely and horny.
I guess you're right.
Any news on this wedding?
Why does he want me to go?
What does he want from me?
Yes.
Excellent questions.
A road trip seems a perfect opportunity to explore them .
I should be going, it's late.
Aren't you forgetting something?
Thanks .
Damn, Hottie Central, hi !
Call us !
Oh my god !
I can stick around .
Likewise.
Okay, I'm out.
Nice to meet you .
Night, Joey.
I'm sorry, X.
I'm really sorry.
It's a free country.
I didn't mean to hurt you .
Who said I was hurt?
I'm so totally in love with you .
I know you think I'm a loser and a slut and stupid
Joey
I thought if I could be with Andrew I could
at least be on your radar.
I'm sorry.
I don't think any less of you .
Because you never thought any of me in the first place.
This self-pity routine is seriously
Joey, since I met you there hasn't been a day
I didn't fight to stop myself
from ripping off your clothes .
Liar.
I can think of a hundred reasons it would be
wonderful to be with you .
But I know it wouldn't work.
Who cares why it wouldn't work.
Because we'd find out why.
And we'd lose everything we have.
It's not so bad .
Losing everything .
What would you know about that?
Well, my whole fucking house burned down once.
Really?
I lost everything .
My dog Mindy, who just learned to sit.
My diary.
You kept one?
From first grade on . I wrote in it every day.
All about figuring out how I was gay.
Poetry.
Drawings .
Every experience I had in the world .
Poof.
I'm sorry.
Be sure to write good stuff about me.
I don't keep one anymore.
Since then I decided to live for right now.
Come on, Joey.
You're so cute.
Joey, please.
Joey.
Joey?
Oh shit.
Joey, can you hear me?
Joey, listen to me.
I love you .
Joey?
Fuck.
Andrew!
Andrew!
It's Joey!
Joey listen to me.
Everything's going to be alright.
Shit, what happened?
What drugs did you guys do?
He drank the rest of that? !
The rest of what?
G H B .
There was like another half a dose in there.
He should be okay, he just fell out.
Allow me to take this moment for a public service announcement.
I actually advocate the legalization of most
recreational drugs, particularly marijuana.
Especially marijuana.
Legalization and education, so like with alcohol,
we don't have to rely on urban legend for responsible usage.
What the fuck do you mean, fell out?
We should call someone.
They could put him in jail G's a tranquilizer.
If you do too much, it will make you fall asleep .
He's okay, he's just sleeping .
Who'd you learn this from, your drug dealer?
Trust me, he'll be fine.
Look
I don't care how many drugs or orgies you have,
that's your trip .
But if you hurt Joey
To be fair, they were partying when I got here.
I partook in the sex, not the drugs .
Oh, what a relief.
I'm sorry.
It's okay.
I mean about everything .
No
I'm sorry.
No one deserves to hear the things I said to you .
You were right.
I was wrong .
You're not my father!
Yeah, I actually give a shit about you .
You can't ground me!
No one's grounding you .
You can do as you please.
We just really think Andrew or I should go with you
while you go clubbing for a while That's all
It's no big deal, people black out every day.
People overdose and die every day.
Do I look like Cyndi Lauper?
She's not dead .
Whoever.
I've been taking care of myself for a long time.
That's the problem .
Look hon, we just think one of us should
be around for you is all .
Why, so you can fuck me again?
How about, if I'm good for three months
X has to fuck me.
So uneed fair to me.
Hell no !
I'll save up my allowance.
Go to your room !
Fuck you !
Sounds like a good idea.
Since it was our first date, I figured I'd take Andrew
to Portland in style.
God damn!
You rented that for a road trip?
You don't want'em to think you're a fag
and dating a loser.
I'm so used to being treated by sugar daddies that
the whole role reversal was refreshing.
Joey'll be alright. Right?
He'll be fine, it's us I'm worried about.
Ever been on a road trip?
Eight years ago .
God, I keep forgetting how old you are.
I'm like a year older than you .
And I haven't been gay for a whole decade.
Where'd you go?
Seattle.
Good-bye small town .
Hello small city.
I'm glad you made the trip .
Both of them .
So why are your parents going to your ex-fiancee's wedding?
I think there's some hope of a dramatic objection
at the last second when I stop the wedding and
confess my love for Jill .
This should be fun .
How long were you with Jill?
Engaged for a year, dated for three.
She doesn't know I'm gay.
All because you wanted to do her brother?
Don't tell me you have a kid somewhere.
No .
Maybe someday though .
How about you?
Joey's plenty.
You're really good with him .
You too, apparently.
Seriously, you'd make a good father.
The only good fatherly quality about me
is that I know I shouldn't have kids .
Make any money?
Nah, but I shoved my business cards in the glory holes .
So am I pretending to be your boyfriend?
Roommate?
Fuckbuddy?
Let's just play it by ear.
Anything else should I know about your family?
They're black.
Oh, let's go back to Seattle.
I've heard about those people.
You'll probably be the only white guy at this thing .
I've never been one to fit in .
Have you been anywhere where you were the only white person?
At least I won't be the only fag .
I love club music.
Everything is so cut and dried.
You love someone, set them free.
Love me or let me go.
Prove your love.
My love is your love.
It's love or it's not love.
Love is sex.
Sex is love.
I defy you to find a club an them that says I love you
but I'm not really sure what love is all about
and I still want to have sex with blah-blah-blah
Those things are harder to rhyme.
Take your time.
Please.
So what are your folks' names?
That might be helpful .
Oren and Zelma.
And there's Cheyenne.
Who?
My sister.
She's twelve.
Imagine me with corn rows, A-cups
and a mouth the size of Lake Union .
I usually do .
Hello baby!
This is my roommate.
I told your ass he was gay!
And I told you Andrew will talk about it
when he is ready to .
He looks ready to me.
Don't mind Cheyenne.
She's been watching to o much Showtime.
How long you been dating my brother?
Cheyenne!
So how long you boys been roommates?
Just over a year, sir.
A year?
That's a long time.
I'm happy to see you're not alone.
How long have you known?
Since you were eight.
But I wasn't sure until you broke up with Jill
And what line of business you in son?
I collect etchings .
You mean like, art?
Like presidents .
On dollar bills .
Better not be no drug dealer.
Cheyenne!
Oh, nothing as glamorous as that.
I play the stock market.
With enough real estate and bonds in my back pocket
for when things go sour.
A man after my own heart.
Did we do something that made you think
you couldn't tell us?
No, Ma.
You did everything right.
I'm glad you have someone.
And damn, he is fine.
Damn I forgot to make up the guestroom !
You don't have a problem sharing Andrew's bed do you?
Not at all Mrs.Thompson
Call me Zelma.
Well that wasn't so hard
It's like they would've been upset if I wasn't gay.
What's up with that?
I didn't give them credit
I'm glad I could provide you with immoral support.
This is my ultimate fantasy.
In your childhood bed?
Hell yeah .
With your folks in the house?
Even hotter.
It feels weird .
I mean there's like booties and shit hanging on the wall .
Damn !
It feels like you feel just fine.
Andrew.
Do you love me?
I don't know.
Never mind .
Forgive me if I don't know if I'm in love with you yet.
Let's just stop talking about it.
Before I say something funny.
I mean, don't get offended X, but can you have sex
without getting paid for it?
What do you want from me, Andrew?
You can't change me.
I don't care you're a hooker.
It's not even about that.
What is it about?
It's about
It's about taking a chance.
I don't know if we'll fall in love.
Love isn't a transaction .
You don't just get what you putin .
You have no idea what you're talking about.
Let's just call it a night.
If you keep pushing me away sooner or later
I'm going to give up .
That's why I like hustling.
I can predict those relationships.
Clients fulfill my need for human contact
and every date has money back guarantee.
Forgive me Father I was too proud to admit he was right.
Who's Gregory?
What?
You talk in your sleep .
Liar.
If you'd slept with someone they would've told you .
You said,Gregory, I'm ready
He's one of my clients
That's disgusting .
This whole thing was a mistake.
You're telling me.
At least you're out to the family now.
Please tell me you put these here.
God, Mom must've done it.
That's so embarrassing .
Hate to disappoint her.
But no problem disappointing me.
So, let's speed this up .
Tell me you want me to give up .
Boys ?!
Breakfast!
Okay.
Andrew? !
Candace!
How ya been?
Really great!
It's awesome to see you !
Where is everybody?
JJ ?
And Sheila?
Jill said she couldn't trust nobody after you dogged her.
Who's he?
Oh, my, um, room partner.
Room partner?
Oh !
Hi .
Andrew!
Jill is gonna shit when she sees you !
She means that in a good way.
And look what ya brought with ya.
This is Jill's mother Mrs Stevens
Matthew is not gonna be happy.
Is Matthew? Jill's brother.
He got dumped last week so he is not in a good mood
So, why did Jill invite me?
Of all people.
My theory she wants to rub it in your face
how happy she is marrying a pro football player and all
Pro football player?
Well you ain't heard of him cause he technically hasn't
played yet or anything .
But he's on the payroll .
Like an alternate or something .
Those are not friends of the bride.
What are you doing?
Accepting who I am .
It feels like you're showing off.
Andrew, you seen Matthew?
No .
Glad I didn't miss that.
I know it's corny, but isn't it romantic?
I don't believe you want me to give up .
Don't spoil it.
I wonder if we'll ever be able to do this in our lifetime.
I'm glad you came.
I thought you'd be alone.
Well, I'm not.
I didn't mean it like that.
I'm glad you're with someone.
It's just--
There's Matthew.
Oh?
Where?
Hey Drew!
I missed the shit out of you !
You're gay?
I thought Jill announced it in the invites .
Ha ha.
Bitch, you told a lot of fuckin' people.
Bitch, you tried to mack on my man .
Well baby, you can take this one.
I'm through with him .
Jill said you were funny with the sex thing .
I can put some frosting on a Dorito if you want.
Can you make it half a Dorito?
Hi. I'm Jill, the bride.
We haven't had a chance to meet.
Congratulations .
-I'm a Andrew's room-partner.
I wonder why he didn't mention you .
I don't know.
He talks about you all the time.
Really?
What does he say?
Well, just that you were still are
the love of his life.
Honey.
I know you're just trying to be nice.
But I'm over Andrew. Really.
I think it's my brother who needs comforting .
Pleasure meeting you
Hey, Uncle X.
Oh, hey Cheyenne.
This makes you my uncle, doesn't it?
I think it would be something more like
your brother-in-law
Maybe ex-brother-in-law.
Hey don't mind me.
I give up .
You win again .
I really wanted a different ending .
As long as we get an ending .
Forgive me Father I was insanely jealous.
What are you doing?
Shit. This isn't their rental?
It wasn't a practical decision to leave Portland without him,
but I couldn't face five hours in a car with him.
I reserved him a plane ticket
and left a message on his cell.
I'm not a total asshole.
I hate cars.
I miss my bike.
I couldn't think of anywhere else to go.
Don't any couples just fall in love and that's that?
Very few, I suspect.
He said I could keep hustling, but it'd hurt him .
What's keeping you from quitting?
The truth is
I like it.
And that's it?
I don't know.
I think you do.
When a client pays me
it feels like a relief.
Something inside me let's go .
Do you think you could feel the same
if your were paid in feelings instead of money?
That's hard to imagine.
Maybe you should give your imagination
more of a chance.
What brought you here?
We're friends now, but don't let that stop you
from treating me like a complete slut.
If you're smart, you probably guessed
I found Gregory dead the next morning .
Every story with a charming old man ends
in a heart-tugging funeral .
Well I didn't.
That might've been easier.
Forgive me Father, I consumed more than I required .
Are you a friend of Gregory's?
A very good friend .
And you are?
Also a good friend .
He gets older, they get younger.
Renaldo?
Why yes, he talked about. But, you're dead .
I don't know what foolishness he's been up to,
but I assure you, I'm quite alive.
You're his lover?
Gregory's not gay.
At least he won't admit to it.
I don't know why he bothers keeping up the charade
after so many years .
How do you know him?
He pays me!
Gregory was one of my first friends,
a role-model for how I saw myself as an old queer.
That withered old shit spent months fucking with my head
like a horny Hannibal Lecter with his sepia stories
of prehistoric teen porn.
And I fell for every word, sprung from a self-serving,
self-loathing lie to keep him in his closet.
I fucked him because I wanted him
and I had shit to show for it.
This is exactly what I hate about the gay scene.
Sex for nothing.
He sounds like a psychopath .
A goddamned charming psychopath .
Wait, I'm not quite as pathetic as I should be.
There.
Much more Charlie Brown.
This is what I deserve for thinking maybe
gay men are capable of loving something other than themselves.
I'm not even sure I love myself.
I'd dump me the second something better came along.
The lesbians have it easy.
Sure they have all that dyke drama,
but it's only because they give a shit about each other.
Fuck this.
You must be Joey.
There's this old guy here who wants to see you .
What?
Yeah, and he wants tea.
Andrew.
You don't know me.
Correct.
I'm a friend of X's .
Gregory Talbot.
The Gregory he, uh, works with?
I need .
He spoke of me?
Technically.
Why don't you put on some tea.
Please, who has tea?
Just warm up some water and I'll be fine.
I haven't been out of my rooms since Diana's memorial,
but I thought this was worth it.
Might I have a few moments of your time?
I assume it's about X?
He's very upset.
And he sent you here of all people?
I assure you, he'd disembowel me
if he were aware of my presence.
I'm listening .
I told him the story of two young men who declared
their love for each other.
They lived a long and happy life together.
How sweet.
One order of freshly microwaved tap water.
Smells delicious .
What a lovely shirt.
So energetic.
Thanks !
It was half off.
A shrewd purchase.
So do I get to listen or do I have to come up with
some excuse to give you guys privacy?
''I've got a hot date''has always worked for me.
Fine.
It was a pleasure warming your water.
So what happens with your love story?
In reality, they never declared their love
One of them was too afraid .
He would always pull away at the last moment.
He had a lot of free time and spent most of it
replaying how his life would have been had he seized a moment,
any one of a thousand,
to take his friend's hand .
Sounds like they were both afraid .
They went fifty years, a lifetime.
And being afraid became habit.
Did he ever figure out what he was afraid of?
Oh, he knew all along .
What was that?
That he might have to change.
He was afraid of losing the life he might not
be afforded if it were known he was a man who loved men .
His travels, studies .
His trust fund .
At least he lived as he pleased .
No . He changed anyway.
He's a recluse now.
He's lost it all and people talk about him none the less .
That's a fucked up story.
How is that supposed to help me?
I wasn't aware you were in need of help .
Well how is that supposed to help X?
I'm moving out anyway.
Perhaps it was naive to think I could help someone
who sincerely cared for me.
You paid him .
I paid him for his time.
The sincerity was his gift.
So why don't you just tell that guy that you love him now?
Sounds easy, doesn't it.
Yeah .
You're a pretty decent guy.
For a closeted queer who would hire a hustler.
For anybody.
Hey, don't I know you?
From school?
Oh my God
Blondie!
Huh?
You wore a Blondie T-shirt.
It's okay.
I'm sorry.
I'm a freak.
A cute freak.
Thanks .
Boyfriend trouble?
Something like that.
If it makes you feel any better, I just
broke up with this guy. I really liked him .
What happened?
I knew he wanted to break up but he didn't have the balls to .
So he treated me like shit, slept around .
Ignored me until I was forced to dump him
at his own work.
This whole thing is going to turn me straight
Two wrongs don't make a right.
I publicly dump this guy that doesn't even like me in B & O.
I'm heart-broken and the asshole.
Scooter?
You know him?
No, but I think I have a story that'll make you feel better.
Okay.
I know it's sentimental fluff but it really
happened that way.
And it's too important to alter or make edgier.
Hearing that Joey had passed his behavior on
to Scooter like avenereal disease made me wonder what
had I just given to Andrew and where would that end?
So I guess the old guy couldn't change your mind .
It's not my mind that needs to be changed .
So what if you guys aren't boyfriends,
it doesn't mean you have to move out.
You don't understand .
I totally understand .
If it's worth anything,
I didn't go out while you were gone.
Now what am I supposed to do? Huh?
Some role model .
You don't need a role model .
You need a good friend .
You have X.
X sucks without you .
Joey had passed over Scooter.
Scooter had passed over Blondie.
A triangle of back-up plans.
All three were nice, deserving guys.
What the fuck were they waiting for?
What am I waiting for?
Wait, I need to plan this out.
What are you doing down here?
In that single moment, my defenses told me to say
''None of your business. ''
End this once and for all.
Retreat and lick my wounds in private.
Let him move out.
Screw these questions.
Maybe date Joey, my back-up plan.
But I took a chance and said
Waiting for you .
That's when he took me.
Almost.
I've been thinking about it and I want to be with you .
But I want to pay you .
You can't afford me.
Which is why I demand a reduced rate, seeing how
I'd be your lover with extra responsibilities and all
At that instant I decided it didn't matter
what we did outside this moment.
As long as we could have moments like this,
it was worth hanging on.
My hustling, his open door policy.
They meant nothing in this moment
If this felt so right we should go for it
and see where the pieces fell
What happens when you meet Mr.Right too soon?
You grab him .
There's no such thing as too soon
Note the new furniture.
That means this is some time later.
Andrew still makes my knees knock and my heart thud,
even when he brings up the old arguments about hustling
Eventually I'll stop.
I've got a sizeable nest egg, and the stocks
I told Andrew's dad about were no bullshit.
Andrew isn't playing around so much anymore either.
Funny, at this point I don't really care.
I know where his heart lies.
Gregory is now my friend and no longer a disciple.
He's discovered chat rooms.
He still hasn't confessed his love to Renaldo,
but Joey's hatched a scheme to hook'em up
introducing Renaldo to the internet as well.
I finally lured Joey in to attending U-Dub.
I took him to one of their queer functions and when
he saw the influx of freshmeat he was hooked.
I found a new turn on too.
Writing these confessions.
Selling them to magazines for folks like you.
Once a whore, always a whore.
Alex, is X here?
You request the services of X?
Call me X
Pleasure doing business with you .
Oh, fuck off.
It turns me on.
If you were ever in love, you and yours
handsome corny romantic thing too.
So, that's my confession.
Forgive me Father I'm guilty of the deadliest sin.
I'm human.
How many Hail Marys is that?
Legend correction: THIGSAN