1
Here I am!
Who's this?
Look at that.
Watch that ladder.
What happened?
Let me try something here.
What is it?
What's gone wrong here, then?
Won't work, huh?
Here we go.
What are you guys looking at?
Get me out of here!
Here! It's mine!
Do you mind?
- Taxi!
- Taxi! Taxi!
Come on.
Jacques! Jacques, you're late!
I'm late. I have to mow
Mrs. Oglethorpe's lawn.
Stop that!
Stop that! Stop that!
You moron. There will be changes
around here after today,
and I will personally see
that you will be the first one to go.
- Allow me.
- Wipe off those filthy hands!
- Take this.
- Oh, for me?
Carry it to the house, you idiot!
Here you are, my dear.
Do come in, Edmund.
My dear Lillian.
I'm so sorry I'm late,
but there's so much to do
in handling the Oglethorpe enterprises
now that dear Oscar has passed on.
You are a good friend, Edmund.
And such a comfort
in my time of need.
I hope more than a friend, Lillian.
As the lawyer
for the Oglethorpe family,
I have been entrusted
with the last will and testament
of Oscar Winterhaven Oglethorpe.
- Edmund, I beg your pardon.
- Yes, dear lady?
I must apologize,
but we really must wait
for my personal solicitor,
Roland T. Flakfizer.
- Jacques.
- Lillian,
I've been employed by your late
husband for over 1 3 years.
- Are you dismissing me?
- Good heavens, no, Edmund.
I was involved in a minor accident
with the Bentley last year.
Miraculously, he was by my side
to assist me.
Oh, Jacques, I want you
to go to this address
and summon this gentleman at once.
I've been calling all morning
and leaving messages.
- I can't seem to reach him.
- Yes, Mrs. O...
Lillian, how long must we wait?
I can assure you, once Mr. Flakfizer
receives my message,
he will race to be by my side.
Anyone hurt?
Roland T. Flakfizer, attorney at law.
Don't try to get up.
- I specialize in accident cases.
- We're both fine.
I know what I'm doing,
I know what I'm doing.
You wouldn't happen to have
any french fries on you, would you?
All right, all right.
Step back, step back.
I've got injured clients here.
Sir, you have caused grievous harm
to my clients and their vehicle.
And through your negligence, this
child has suffered severe neck injuries.
- Leave me alone.
- Stick with me, kid,
and you can afford enough Nintendo
software to sink a battleship.
- I can sue my parents?
- I sued mine.
- My neck!
- Corruptible youth. God bless them.
My Lord, madam. You shouldn't
be walking in your condition.
This woman is with child.
If any harm came to this infant,
by God, sir, you will
feel my wrath in court.
- What are you talking about?
- Don't try to weasel out of this.
Dozens of witnesses
saw your reckless driving.
How many of you
saw this man carelessly,
and without regard for life
and property,
careen into my clients
at almost 85 miles per hour?
And who of you will tell their story
to my young, 24-year-old,
Miss lnternational
Wet T-shirt champion,
nymphomaniac secretary?
Yo! Right here! Right here! Hey, hey!
Flakfizer's at it again, I see.
- Check for outstanding...
- Roland T. Flakfizer? That's him.
Thank you very much.
You agree with me, I agree with you.
Hold that thought. I swear,
I never touched your daughter.
Taxi!
Here we go.
Get in. Get in.
- Where to?
- Any place with no extradition laws.
- And step on it.
- Right.
- Mr. Roland T. Flakfizer?
- That depends.
- Do I owe you money?
- No.
In a drunken stupor,
did I promise to marry you?
- No.
- Then I'm your man.
- Lillian Oglethorpe wants to see you.
- The Lillian Oglethorpe?
In her mid-50s, with possible gusts
up to 60, 65?
- Yes. Can you come right away?
- Is she still rich?
By all means. The Oglethorpe place.
Big bucks. Yeah, you settle back,
I'll get you there safe and sound.
One-way street.
Don't worry, this happens a lot.
You enjoy driving a cab?
No. As soon as I get
me driver's license, I'm quitting.
A guy's really gotta haul rump
to make ends meet these days.
I mean, apart from the cab,
I'm a pool man, I perform liposuction,
I got me own toupee business.
My motto:
"Something that size
should have hair on it."
Aren't those numbers
clicking by awfully fast?
- You're probably a speed-reader.
- Well, you got me there.
Another two miles
and we own this cab.
- I hope you brought money.
- Oh, sure.
I have a wallet just like that.
Hey, that is my wallet.
When I get some money,
this could come in handy.
Such behavior.
Stealing another man's wallet.
- You should be ashamed of yourself.
- I don't believe it. You!
- What are you doing?
- Do you know who I am?
A psychotic cab driver?
I'm Rocco Melonchek.
I hope you know you're blowing
any possible tip.
You were my attorney
in my divorce case...
...until you started dating my wife
during the trial.
And you got the court to double the
alimony request she originally made.
You didn't want her to keep
seeing me in cheap motels, did you?
For God's sake, man,
she was your wife!
- Help me.
- Get off.
All right, all right, all right.
Five-minute break.
All right, break's over.
Wait a minute, wait.
You're a businessman.
- Let's talk business.
- Fine, and then I'll kill you.
I thought I recognized you.
I've been looking for you
for the past three years.
- You're lying.
- Of course I am, but hear me out.
Clients are impressed
by a law firm with a big staff.
The more employees,
the bigger the fees.
So I could use a man like you
in my organization.
Travel, excitement
and a chance for advancement.
Of course, you'll start out
on the bottom rung.
But work hard and in no time you'll
move up to next-to-the-bottom rung.
- You got a dental plan?
- Lose a tooth, you get two free.
- What's my job?
- You can be my chauffeur.
- How much?
- Two hundred bucks a week.
- 600.
- 300.
- 400.
- 800.
- 900.
- Wait a minute, wait a minute.
Shouldn't I be in this
negotiation somewhere?
- 350 and not a penny more.
- I'll take it.
- What happened to 1000?
- I allowed for taxes.
- I want four weeks in advance.
- Five weeks.
Hold it. I'm giving you
one minute to stop this.
- Two minutes.
- Five minutes.
- Seven minutes.
- Nine minutes.
I've stepped into my own private hell.
We'd better get going.
The faster we get to Lillian,
the quicker I can afford your salaries.
For 350 bucks a week, you drive.
Lillian, we really can't
wait any longer.
I suppose you're right, Edmund.
I can't imagine
what is keeping Roland.
- You guys wait here.
- Hey, you're the boss.
The reading of the last will
and testament...
...of Oscar Winterhaven Oglethorpe.
- Roland!
- Please,
call me what everyone else
calls me: "Your Royal Sex Machine."
I wouldn't come without bringing
you a terribly expensive gift.
I hope you like it.
It reminds me of you.
Roland, how thoughtful of you.
But I believe I have one just like it.
Oh, no problem. I'll take it back
and get the money.
Mrs. Oglethorpe, you look wonderful.
I could make love to you
right here and now.
Roland, please. Let's keep this
on a professional level.
Very well, then.
I'll charge you 50 bucks a pop.
Mr. Oglethorpe!
How well I remember him.
Gone now, but not forgotten. I was
never crazy about his taste in clothes.
I hope this speech doesn't seem
like a rambling affair,
which is something I'm sure
we'll be involved in.
Oh, Lillian, you make me feel
just like a natural woman.
I've heard enough.
- Sir, I am appalled.
- Lillian, who is this man?
Roland, this is Mr. Edmund Lazlo.
A likely story. Just look at him.
He's obviously after your money
and social standing,
but I was here first.
Hey, how is everyone?
- Have you got any mustard in here?
- Hey, I'm the boss, remember?
- I told you to wait outside.
- Today's my day off.
Excuse me.
And just who are you?
He's a member of my staff.
Lillian Oglethorpe, Rocco Melonchek.
Rocco Melonchek, Lillian Oglethorpe.
In order to tell you two apart,
one of you will
have to wear a mustache.
Nice to meet someone else who buys
their clothes at big-and-tall-man shops.
- I beg your pardon?
- Why? You can't help it.
Refreshments.
Good idea, Jacques.
He was so devoted to my husband.
Darling Oscar is dead now, you know.
Well, I hope so.
I understand they buried him.
- Just make yourself feel at home.
- Lillian,
I really do believe we should begin.
Oh, yes, yes, certainly.
Will you all please
find yourselves a seat?
Oh, I beg your...
The last will and testament
of Oscar Winterhaven Oglethorpe.
- Do you have a bathroom?
- I protest! This is most irregular!
- Lillian...
- Edmund! Please be careful.
This man is in obviously no condition
to carry on. Rocco, will you continue?
- Lillian, l...
- Right, let's cut to the payoff here.
Blah, blah, blah... Minnesota holdings,
ski boat, ski boat, ski boat... Yacht...
"To my gay lover, I leave--"
It was a joke. I was just joking.
Yes. Now. Yes, here we are.
"All my worldly goods to be transferred
into the care of my wife, Lillian."
- Darling.
- "And because of my love
for the arts, I request
that half my fortune
be used to establish
a ballet company."
Excellent. Wonderful. Nothing like
the thrill of spending an evening
watching a bunch
of anorexics leaping around,
guys with bulging genitals...
I hope I'm not arousing you.
This is all very well and good,
but I wouldn't know the first thing
- about running such a company.
- Mrs. Oglethorpe...
-...as your trusted lawyer...
- You can use those words together?
...and friend...
...I naturally assumed
that task would fall to me.
Why would anyone wanna be
the head of a ballet company?
"And the director of the company shall
receive $500,000 a year salary."
I'll take the job. I have ballet
running through my veins.
Lillian, I'm your man!
Outrageous! I doubt whether
he knows the difference
between the first, second, third,
fourth or fifth positions!
Hey, he is strictly missionary position.
I will not allow a rogue like you
to handle the Oglethorpe Ballet.
This document should be treated
with the dignity and respect
it deserves.
Hello! This is no time
for family pictures.
Charity work. I gather these for those
less fortunate than ourselves
who can't afford pornography.
Edmund!
I demand this man
be dismissed immediately!
- Jacques, you're working for me now.
- For what reason?
- Does it make you angry?
- Yes!
That's a good enough reason for me.
Lillian, I have a dream.
We'll bring in a whole new breed
of ballet-goers
with innovative giveaways.
Leotard nights, wet tutu competitions.
And we'll be the first company
performing ballet
for the hard of hearing.
We'll have the ballerinas
wear wooden shoes.
Mrs. Oglethorpe, this man
doesn't know what he's talking about.
Now, leave this matter to me
and I will sign for you the world's
premier dancer, The Great Volare.
Volare? How wonderful.
Wait a second! Uno pari-mutuel.
Not the Volare!
You know The Great Volare?
I knew him back when he was known
as the Pretty Good Volare.
We served in the Army together.
He owes me one.
I threw myself on top of an 1 8-year-old
Vietnamese girl and saved his life.
- Nonsense!
- That's where you're wrong.
This is nonsense.
Lillian, I am the only one
who can bring you
the world's greatest male ballerina.
For myself, I ask only
a nominal salary,
plus a cut of gross receipts,
a bonus of 25 percent
on anything above break-even,
a $300 per diem,
the use of a company car
and housing.
By all means, make my
husband's dream come true.
What, you want him
to marry a cheerleader?
Give us a ballet.
Oh, this is so exciting.
I can see I am no longer required
as the family lawyer.
Look, I'm thinking of
becoming a lawyer.
- Can I buy your diploma off you?
- Good heavens.
I need you both.
Very well, Lillian. As you wish.
- For now.
- Then this evening I'm off to the ballet.
I must shave, shower, get new clothes
and practice signing your name.
My pearl... I bid you all a fondue.
If you should lose this hand in an
industrial accident, keep it for me.
Gentlemen!
Alan.
I brought this for you. It's not exactly
a bouquet, but it's a start.
So sweet. Were you watching
the ballet again tonight?
Of course. I love to watch you dance.
Someday we're gonna be
on that stage dancing together.
At the rate I'm going,
I'm not so sure.
Alan, don't talk that way.
We agreed that if one of us
got into a major company,
it could only help the both of us.
Tonight I'm going to talk
to Volare about you.
I would love that. I mean, no one
dances like The Great Volare.
Except you.
Catch.
Tickets, please?
No smoking in the theater.
- Thank you.
- My pleasure.
Please.
- Five and six.
- Eleven.
Now it's your turn: 25 and 67.
Miss!
These seats are dreadful.
They're facing the stage.
Hey, did we miss
the coming attractions?
Who's the bad guy?
Is Tom Cruise in this?
Do you work out?
- I'm looking for The Great Volare.
- He's on-stage.
And he doesn't appreciate
visitors backstage.
No, no, no, I'm not a visitor.
This is strictly business.
- This creep bothering you?
- No. No.
She's quite delightful, thank you.
Ok, I give up. How come
he doesn't throw up?
Bravo, Mr. Volare. They love you.
That audience wouldn't know
a ballet from a bullfight.
And who are you to speak to me?
Where is my towel?
When I come off-stage,
I expect my towel immediately.
- Do you understand me?
- I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
Fire him.
Tina, darling, you were marvelous.
Perhaps we should meet in my
dressing room after the performance
and discuss your career.
I'd like that very much,
Mr. Volare.
- Thank you.
- Lisa!
Darling, I thought we'd have dinner
tonight after the closing-night party.
Oh, well, thank you, but I'm afraid
I've already made plans.
Mr. Volare, I'd like you
to meet my friend Alan Grant.
It's a privilege to meet you, Mr. Volare.
I'm a huge fan of yours.
Well, Alan's a dancer too,
with the Performing Artists Group,
the nonprofit ballet troupe.
Really? How sweet.
It's a fine idea to keep busy until one
is good enough to command a salary.
My cue.
- She looked 1 8, officer, I swear!
- Too noisy around here.
I'll say. I got twice the sleep
at a Julio lglesias concert.
This guy's gotta get off-stage soon.
Let's go back, wait for him,
sign him up.
Excuse us. Excuse me. We have
to get this plutonium back to the lab.
- Jacques.
- Hey.
- You know him?
- Sure.
He used to drive Mr. Oglethorpe
to the theater,
- then I'd sneak him into the ballet.
- I'm gonna be the best man
- at their wedding.
- I hope so.
Excuse me,
we didn't get your name.
Oh, my name's Rocco Melonchek.
I'm the ballet world's
up-and-coming manager/agent.
I'm here to sign a contract
with The Great Volare.
I hate to burst your bubble, but Volare
already has an agent and manager.
That's too bad.
Any of them real sick?
You don't need Volare.
What you need
is the next great ballet talent.
A young, fresh face.
- Alan Grant.
- Exactly.
- I got it right.
- There's my cue.
Jacques, convince Mr. Melonchek
Alan's the person he's looking for.
This is all well and good, but can
he dance? Could he make millions?
Would he sign a contract
for a lot of money, but take scale,
Ieaving his manager
with everything else?
Sure he would.
Wouldn't you, Alan? Alan?
Can't you see he's watching
the woman he adores?
- You're in love with her, aren't you?
- You bet.
- When's the wedding?
- There won't be one...
...unless I can find a job dancing.
To tell you the truth, Mr. Melonchek,
I'm about out of money
and I'm gonna have to
go back to Minneapolis.
I'll tell you what. Don't you buy
that plane ticket just yet,
because I am gonna
get you an audition
with Roland T. Flakfizer,
ballet director.
- You could do that?
- Sure. They're like this.
Well, let's go to work,
Mr. Melonchek.
I now pronounce us
dancer and manager.
Yeah!
Come in.
Tina, darling. I'm so glad you've come.
You were most inspiring tonight.
I can see that under my guidance,
your career will soar.
Already I can hear the audience roar.
- Who are you?
- Roland T. Flakfizer,
managing director of the
Oglethorpe-Flakfizer Ballet Company.
You wouldn't happen to have
a plunger on you, would you?
- I beg your pardon?
- Oh, I see you have a pretty visitor.
I'll tell you what.
I'll get a girl and we'll double.
- You got five minutes, Mr. Volare.
- Five minutes?
My God! Have you consulted
another doctor?
- You are out of line.
- And you are out of toilet paper.
- But we're still short one girl.
- What are you doing here?
- To sign you for my ballet company.
- To sign me for your ballet company?
Swear to God, I just said that.
Why don't you run along
and let us men talk business.
Just leave your phone number
and favorite color with the manager
and later we'll talk business.
- You're cute, Mr...?
- Garvey. Steve Garvey.
I think we have something beautiful,
you and l.
Someday you'll have my children.
In fact, they're out in the car,
if you want them.
Oh, God...
You're still here?
I will have you thrown out
of the theater.
- First, we talk ballet.
- I know nothing of your ballet.
We have a lot in common. I'm
managing director and I don't either.
Look, I don't dance for just anyone.
I am ballet. My dance shoes
are in the Louvre in Paris.
So what? Last year,
I left a raincoat in Cleveland.
Do you realize what I was doing
at the age of 7?
I can imagine. You must be thankful
you didn't go blind.
I was dancing professionally.
Well, whatever you call it: flogging the
carrot, polishing the cue stick,
choking the chicken,
clearing the snorkel...
But I didn't come back here
to rehash good times.
Volare, dance with the
Oglethorpe-Flakfizer Ballet Company
and you can name your price.
Money is no object.
It isn't mine. Look, I'm offering you
a check for $500,000.
It's made out to Volare, Great, The.
I don't dance for the money.
Then you dance
and I'll keep the money.
Look, I will not dance
for your ballet and that is final.
A Flakfizer doesn't know
the meaning of the word "no."
And we're a little fuzzy on the word
"panagglutinin" and "viscosity."
All right, all right. Let's sweeten
the pot. The same money,
- we throw in a girl.
- No!
Then would you object
to me getting one?
I'm a lonely man, Mr. Volare.
I will give you till the count
of ten to get out of here.
- One, two, three--
- Before you get stuck
somewhere around six, I'll go.
If there's anything I can ever do
for you, forget it.
Because I don't do
those kind of things.
And for the last time, I warn you
about that highly contagious rash.
I beg you to see to it at once.
Hygiene, Mr. Volare. Hygiene.
- Mr. Flakfizer.
- Where?!
I'm sorry, I thought
my father showed up.
Come here, come here.
Did Volare accept your offer?
I didn't know the meaning
of the word "no,"
but he had it down pretty good.
You wouldn't happen
to have a world-famous dancer
stuffed in a drawer somewhere,
would you?
As a matter of fact, I would.
His name's Alan Grant.
He can dance rings around Volare.
He's even more talented
than Gorbachev.
- Gesundheit.
- Baryshnikov.
- God bless you.
- Baryshnikov.
Hi. How's it going? How you doing?
You look very nice today.
He's one of the best dancers
in the country.
Hire him for the ballet.
What do you say?
No, no, nay, nyet. I have to find
some way to sign Volare.
When I do that,
I'm director of the ballet.
And, gentlemen, that spells cash
with a capital...
- K.
- You should go back to school.
I hated teaching.
- Flakfizer, I thought you were smart.
- I am smart. I said no to you, didn't l?
I'm offering you two incomes.
Your paycheck
from the ballet company
and then when you sign
Alan Grant to dance,
another hefty check as part
of Alan's management team.
How do we get this
past Mrs. Oglethorpe?
Relax. After she sees Alan dance,
you've got nothing to worry about.
Except for taxes,
depletion of the ozone layer
and diseases
due to any sexual contact.
- That's a load off my mind.
- All you gotta do
is convince Mrs. Oglethorpe
to let Alan into the charity bazaar.
Are you kidding?
I can charm the pants off of her.
Now, that is a disgusting thought.
Gentlemen, you're gonna
have to sneak him in.
Not so fast.
You know, I worry about you,
I really do.
We're gonna make this legal.
We need a contract.
A binding document,
with plenty of loopholes.
Exactly. Jacques, draw up the
standard contract, would you, please?
Hello, Jacques.
We've got years to go before we even
come close to the Japanese.
Right. Sign that.
- This paper's blank.
- I'll fill it in later.
Fair enough. You're not gonna
cheat me or anything?
I give you my word as a gentleman.
Well, you had me until then.
All right, all right. Fifty-fifty split.
- Now, this is more like it.
- What about me?
To show you no favoritism,
Rocco and l
- will also split your salary fifty-fifty.
- Thanks.
That should keep you out
of a higher income bracket.
Come to think of it, that should
keep you out of any income bracket.
Rocco, Jacques, tomorrow, Alan Grant
joins the Oglethorpe Ballet Company.
Ladies and gentlemen...
...welcome to the Ninth Annual
Oglethorpe Charity Festival.
- Let's go.
- It gives me great pleasure
to announce the
Oglethorpe Ballet Company
will be leaving for New York
tomorrow, where we...
You two go and get dressed.
Be ready in ten minutes.
- T en minutes? We'll be ready.
- And you're gonna be a star.
You know, if you keep this up,
I may even start to believe it.
Nice to have a chance to make
someone's wish come true.
That's a nice thing to do.
Well, how did the market close?
Well, roll over my amalgamated,
split my utilities
and double my
capital venture overlays.
Now, call me in an hour and tell me
what the hell I'm talking about.
Pull over. Everybody all set?
We've got everything
so under control, it's pathetic.
- And so is he.
- Good.
Driver, drive on.
Look out for that truck!
- Buffy...
- Lillian.
Get this thing up on the rack
and have it overhauled.
Better yet, why don't you get up
on the rack and I'll see you in an hour.
Avanti!
Here, Buffy. There you are.
- Darling.
- Have you come to see Mommy?
What a charming little animal.
Do you know dogs, Mr. Melonchek?
Know dogs? I used to be a chef
in a Korean restaurant.
Good food, good friends,
good conversation.
Roland, I'm so upset
Volare turned us down.
I know. What a slap
in our collective faces.
Like I told you, he has no respect
for our ballet.
I wouldn't want a man like that
dancing for me.
- Or with me, for that matter.
- I offered him half the moon.
I keep asking myself,
"Why didn't he sign with us?"
Because he said
he wouldn't work with you
if you were the last person
on earth.
- What was that?
- Nothing. Fetch.
My darling Lillian,
Volare has shunned us.
Hold your chins up high, for I have
discovered a fabulous young dancer.
- A talent that soars.
- Volare.
It's Volare!
Oh, good heavens. It's him.
- It's Volare.
- Step back. Step back. Step back.
Lillian, permit me to introduce
- The Great Volare.
- I've seen greater.
SignorVolare, I understand you've
refused to dance with our company.
The truth of the matter is Mr. Volare
won't work with Mr. Flakfizer.
But, my dear Lillian,
I am happy to announce
that I have signed Mr. Volare
to dance with
and to be the artistic director
of the Oglethorpe Ballet Company.
Ladies and gentlemen,
the overture has started.
- Overture to what?
- The ballet find of the century.
- What?
- Roll up! Roll up!
Top-class ballet, this way!
Lillian, just a little surprise
I cooked up.
If you don't like it,
it was Rocco's idea.
Oh, Roland, I love a surprise.
Yeah!
Yo, Rocco, Rocco.
Mrs. Oglethorpe, meet the future
world champion of ballet,
- Mr. Alan Grant.
- It's a pleasure.
Nice to meet you.
Mrs. Oglethorpe, I would like to make
an announcement.
- He's being deported.
- I have found my prima ballerina...
-...the lovely Miss Lisa Le Baron.
- What? Well...
But what about Alan?
Shall we say,
a most unusual technique.
Perhaps better suited
to experimental theater.
You can't talk to my client like that.
If Alan isn't in the company,
I won't be either.
- Neither will l.
- That's a victory for all mankind.
You're making a mistake, my dear.
Lisa, I agree with Volare.
But, Alan, we'll be apart for months.
Remember when you told me
that with you dancing,
- it would be good for both of us?
- Yes, but--
When Volare makes you a star,
you can choose anyone to dance with.
Dance with the Oglethorpe.
Come on. I'll be the proudest
guy in the country.
- All right.
- You've made a wise choice, my dear.
- Then it's settled. I am so excited.
- You're excited? Feel these nipples.
Now, Lillian, about the directorship
of the ballet company...
Oh, yes. Yes, of course, Edmund.
You have brought us
The Great Volare.
And dear Roland has presented us
with our ballerina.
I think it only fair that you
and Roland share the honor.
- Flakfizer? This is preposterous.
- Preposterous, is it?
Why don't we step outside
- and settle this like men.
- We are outside.
Then why don't we step inside
and settle this like women.
Or are you afraid, Lazlo?
- I'm twice the man you are.
- So is she.
And it's driving me mad.
Oh, Lillian, can't you see I'm on fire?
And you, you contemptible cur!
Maybe you don't want to work
for Mrs. Oglethorpe.
- Is that so, Edmund?
- Of course not!
I will do anything
that is best for the ballet.
Well, there's no need
to commit suicide.
And to show you no hard feelings,
how about a cigar.
- I don't smoke.
- Well, I do.
Why don't you run out
and get me one.
And now, since I'm in charge
of the ballet,
just jamming that thought home,
I propose a toast.
Champagne!
I'm not going to work
with such an uncouth pig.
- Certainly, Mr. Volare.
- Now it's on to New York!
And a hefty per diem.
- Good morning.
- Good morning.
Here you go. Here you go.
I'm all out of American currency.
Take a fistful of Romanian 50s,
all right?
- Good morning.
- Good morning, Mr. Flakfizer.
- Morning.
- Good morning, Mr. Flakfizer.
- Good morning.
- Good morning, Mr. Flakfizer.
- Good morning.
- Good morning, Mr. Flakfizer.
- Good morning.
- Good morning, Mr. Flakfizer.
- Morning.
- Good morning, Mr. Flakfizer.
- Good morning.
- Good morning, Mr. Flakfizer.
The end of another grueling day.
The press conference
is to begin in five minutes.
Roland seems to be running
a little late.
Late? That charlatan
hasn't been around in weeks.
I don't know why you put up with him.
He's never in his office.
He never responds to his calls.
He's totally irresponsible.
Lisa. Relax, my dear.
Everyone is nervous their first time.
Just follow my lead.
I'm very experienced.
- That's very kind of you, Mr. Volare.
- Oh, come on. Call me Roberto.
Roberto.
Lisa, I know an intimate little bistro
with a fabulous view of the city.
Perhaps dinner
and an all-night boat ride?
Well, I don't really think that
would be such a good idea--
I hope I'm interrupting something.
Volare, you know it's not polite
to drool in public.
Roland, I haven't seen you
for weeks.
Lillian, my pile of sweetness.
I'm so sorry.
I've been busy promoting our ballet
at beauty pageants.
And then, of course,
there's my volunteer work
at the breast-implant clinic.
And how I missed you.
In fact, I missed you so much,
two days ago I went out
and I bought a woman
who looks just like you.
- Oh, you silly.
- For you. From you.
Another lovely bracelet.
I didn't want this wrist
to think I was neglecting it.
- Oh, Roland...
- Lillian, l--
Lazlo, I didn't see you there.
I stand corrected.
I saw you, but I chose to ignore you.
Lisa, my darling.
Will you excuse us? Two's company
and three's an adult movie.
- Mrs. Oglethorpe, may we start?
- Oh, please.
Is she a fox or what?
Ladies and gentlemen,
for many weeks now
the Oglethorpe Ballet Company
have been in rehearsal.
Tomorrow we open with
Roberto Volare's interpretation
of Tears of the Swan.
At this time, I wish to introduce
to you the creative genius
behind our company, the brightest
light in the ballet firmament...
Thank you for those kind words,
Edmund Lazlo.
I don't know who does your hair,
but tell me,
where do they do it
and when are they bringing it back?
Well, I had a speech all prepared,
but today I'm going to speak
from the heart.
You've no doubt asked yourself,
"Why has he been chosen
for this task of running
the Oglethorpe?"
Well, the whole story is right here
in my autobiography:
Flakfizer: A Man's Man.
But I like women a lot more.
My intimate views of Jackie,
Cher, Sean, Larry, Moe, Curly.
Over 200 pages
of provocative pictures,
and only one page
has any writing on it.
Act now and you can get one of these
fabulous "Flakfizer is ballet" T-shirts.
MasterCard and Visas accepted.
That brings me to the task at hand,
to introduce the woman I adore.
Behind every great man is a woman.
And thank heaven I have Lillian
Oglethorpe, because, quite frankly,
I enjoy the shade.
Dear Lillian, soon I hope to take you
on a Caribbean cruise,
where we can hold hands
on a soft summer's evening
and watch that old Jamaican moon.
Why that old Jamaican
will be mooning us, I have no idea.
And now, here she is,
the woman voted by her senior class
"most likely to go up
a few dress sizes,"
a woman who would be a man,
except her name is Lillian,
Lillian Oglethorpe.
Thank you. Thank you.
Hey. Hey, what's with all the tears?
This should be the happiest night
of your life.
I know it should be. It's just that...
...I miss Alan so much.
Well, I'd feel the same way if the man
I loved was thousands of miles away.
Of course, I'd be living
a whole different lifestyle.
Here, come with me.
I know just the thing to cheer you up.
If you just step right in here, my dear,
your spirits might just brighten.
- But that's Mr. Volare's dressing room.
- Of course.
He's got the best champagne.
- Alan!
- Lisa.
Flakfizer flew Alan out to see you
in the opening of the ballet.
It's a formal affair.
Do you have tuxedos?
I got mine.
That's great for tomorrow, but aren't
you a little overdressed for today?
Oh, no.
- I'm very impressed.
- I don't have any luggage.
Then this all makes sense.
I was worried there for a second.
Mr. Flakfizer, thank you.
I see you're saving your best stuff
for Alan.
I think we should leave the lovers
alone for a few minutes.
Make that a few hours.
- I missed you so much.
- I don't want us to be apart ever again.
- I told you before!
- Oh, my God, it's Volare.
- You better hide.
- Don't hang my tight by the crotch!
- It throws off my bulge!
- Yes, Volare, I'm sorry.
Lisa, what a pleasant surprise.
I see you decided to start
our little party early, huh?
- Roberto, you've got the wrong idea.
- Oh, no. I think I've got the right idea.
- Roberto, stop it!
- Get your hands off of her!
- You! What are you doing here?
- Mr. Flakfizer flew me out.
You and Mr. Flakfizer are going
to be sorry for this.
- Volare, what happened?
- It's Flakfizer.
He's brought that performance artist
out here.
- Hasn't that information arrived yet?
- No, but we may not need it.
I have devised a little plan.
He's staying at Lillian's townhouse.
All we have to do is make
a few arrangements.
Oh, no. Lillian?
- Well, no one's in.
- Roland.
This is just a business call.
I didn't think you were back so soon.
- Roland.
- Lillian...
...can't we just be friends?
Why, you're not Lillian.
- You gonna spank me?
- We can start there...
...and see what happens.
- Are we alone?
- Servants have the day off.
Lillian is already at the theater,
but I'm here.
- Take me.
- Okay. Let's say two out of three falls.
No standing eight count.
Wait. I wanna make love
by candlelight.
I could do you one better.
I think this is more in keeping
with...things to come.
Not a bad little pad Lillian's got here.
- Was that the doorbell?
- That wasn't you?
Never mind. Just ignore it.
Well, it's a big house.
Maybe they can't hear the bell.
Let's try this.
Wait a minute. I'll be right back.
If you need anything, there's plenty
of batteries in my room.
Oh, let me try this.
Good idea.
You go through the window.
If the alarm goes off, I'll run away
so they won't catch both of us.
We don't want any! Oh, it's you.
We have to talk. It's very important.
Look. The next half-hour,
give or take 29 minutes,
will be very important for me,
so thanks for dropping by.
Yeah, but--
Flakfizer!
- The face is familiar.
- It's mine.
And so it is. Say, if you ever visit
this planet again,
give me a call. We'll have lunch.
- Flakfizer.
- How come you didn't knock?
I'm using a better grade of gas.
- That's not bad, is it?
- You know, I always enjoy it
when we get together,
but I want you out,
or I'll be forced to kill you.
I'll tell the police
- I did it out of love.
- Flakie, aren't you coming to bed?
- That's a girl.
- Not just a girl, a way of life.
What if Mrs. Oglethorpe
comes back?
She'll have to wait her turn.
I saw Tina first.
Don't you see? Lazlo wants
Mrs. Oglethorpe to catch you
in bed with her!
Oh, no!
Mrs. Oglethorpe!
I've been in situations like this before.
We act calm.
Stay cool.
Okay, okay. Tina leaves by the
back door and no one is any the wiser.
- It's an old Gary Hart trick.
- I'm not leaving till I'm satisfied.
You beast!
Really has a such a nice light touch
with women.
You big brute! How dare you...
Get her out of sight!
No, no, no! That's Lillian's room.
- In here. In here.
- Not there!
She can't be found there.
That's my room.
I don't know why you insist
on returning to my home.
We can't miss the
final dress rehearsal of the ballet.
Lillian, my dear,
we can't go without Flakfizer.
I just thought it would make
for a better appearance
if we all arrive at the same time.
You have been looking at your watch
all morning, Edmund.
Your behavior is most peculiar.
You big animal!
What was that?
We must investigate!
Edmund, what is this?
You relentless sex stallion.
Oh, great.
Now she's talking about me.
What was that?
Jacques, show her what will happen
if she doesn't shut up.
That came from your suite.
- Hide her!
- My bedroom?
Ninety-eight, 99, 100.
Lillian, Lazlo. My two favorite L's.
What on earth are you doing here
at this ungodly hour?
I know you're up to something,
Flakfizer.
- A snap inspection?
- Roland.
- What are you doing in my bedroom?
- This is your room? Thank God.
I thought someone sewed up
all my fly-holes.
Lazlo, how about the three of us
going down to the kitchen
- and making a big sandwich.
- I hardly think so.
I'm going to check under the bed.
Edmund! What on earth
has gotten into you?
- Be more careful.
- You did that on purpose.
You're trying to conceal
the fact that--
Your suite.
And I think you're
pretty terrific yourself.
You stay here. There's no telling
what he may do in this crazed state!
Lazlo. I say, Lazlo.
- What are you looking for?
- A woman.
- How about calling an escort service?
- I'm calling the police.
Excuse me. I'm so sorry.
Forgive me. I'm sorry.
The guest bedrooms.
- Roland.
- All right. Get in. Get in.
- Roland, what is all the commotion?
- It's Lazlo.
I've never seen him like this.
Quick, in here.
And while you're in there,
why don't you make the bed.
I know she's here somewhere.
- Lazlo!
- What?
- What was that?
- I don't know, but it came from in here.
- Edmund, this is outrageous.
- I can explain.
- He's got a woman tied up.
- Edmund!
- She looks dazed and drugged.
- No.
He's obviously the grand dragon
of some sex-slave cult.
- And she looks like she's about 1 5.
- No, no, no.
Okay, 1 4, then. In fact, I know she's 1 4
because I was dating her a year ago.
Edmund, I want you out
of my house this instant.
If I had to take a wild guess,
I'd say you're out of a job.
I hope there's no hard feelings.
You know, Lazlo,
this is a good look for you.
Flakfizer.
Lazlo, are you decent?
- Lillian.
- Quick, smelling salts!
And a crane, if you got one.
Oh, my goodness.
You've done it now, Lazlo.
I don't feel a thing.
This woman is dead.
- You're holding his wrist.
- Then this man is dead.
- Mrs. Oglethorpe is unconscious.
- Smelling salts, right away.
Hello, excuse me, gentlemen?
Triple Speed Messenger Service.
I got a message here
for a guy named Lazlo.
Give me that.
This is a litany of fraudulent
accident cases, bad debts
and several police departments
who would love to get
their hands on you.
And when Mrs. Oglethorpe
comes to,
she will read this and she will have
no course but to fire you!
Quick, try some chloroform.
I'm taking Lillian to the hospital.
You, help me get her to the car.
Why don't you take him along
for a brain scan.
Gently. Easy.
- What are we gonna do now?
- What any Flakfizer would do.
What, something devious
and underhanded?
You know the family.
If we don't get that letter before
Lillian wakes up, we're dead ducks.
Multiple fractures?
Lucky day. The name's Flakfizer.
No job too small, no fee too large.
If any limb falls off, mail it to me.
It can only strengthen our case.
Roland T. Flakfizer.
This is your lucky day.
- This man's dead.
- Then he won't be needing this.
- I'm almost all out of business cards.
- Excuse me.
What are you gentlemen
doing here?
We're here to see
Mrs. Lillian Oglethorpe.
I'm afraid that's not possible.
She's on a private floor.
Hospital personnel and doctors only.
Hi. Ed Breckerman, security.
There's a Mercedes on fire
in the doctors' parking lot.
When will Mrs. Oglethorpe
regain consciousness?
She's under a sedative.
You'll have to ask the doctor.
- You called?
- At last.
No letter here.
Right, I'll carve.
Dark meat or white?
Now, this is a very important woman.
I hope you know your business.
Hey, so do we.
I wanna assure you
we've been doctors
- for many, many floors now.
- You're not the doctor I saw earlier.
He caught what she got.
We're filling in.
She's been out since
she came here?
- Yes.
- And so she hasn't been able
- to read anything, then, huh?
- Of course not.
Good. It will bring on complications.
Not for her, necessarily,
- but complications nonetheless.
- She's coming to, doctor.
- Now we got complications.
- She's going out, doctor.
- The crisis is over.
- This is ludicrous.
I don't think anyone will argue
that point.
Let the games begin.
It's the first annual Vasectomy Bowl.
- What is going on?
- A happy doctor is a good doctor.
What is the meaning of this?
Are you sure you're a doctor?
That's gotta hurt.
At least, I hope it does.
- Doctor, we'll have to run a few tests.
- Table for one.
- There you go.
- Ground transportation,
courtesy of Medicare.
You say ether and I say either
Ether, either
Oh, please proceed.
I'm just checking on Mrs. Oglethorpe.
- Well, doctor?
- Yes, doctor?
- Yes, doctor?
- Doctor.
- Doctor.
- Yes.
Well, I thought we'll have to perform
a full "rectumology."
An epidemic. Drop those pants.
Not you, the patient.
- I thought you were cardiologists.
- They're all connected.
We enter the rectum
and head north.
Why do you think we have
such long instruments?
- X-rays for Dr. Blazie.
- I'll take those. I deal in x-rays.
- I see you do too.
- I used to work at Las Vegas General.
Security to Room 1 404.
- Yeah. Hit me.
- I'll play these.
Read them and weep.
Three hearts.
Beats a pair of kidneys.
- Doctor, your diagnosis?
- Difficult to tell from the negative.
- It's her liver.
- Looks more like veal to me.
- What is this?
- An obstruction in the fourth lumbar.
Huge backup
in the lower intestine.
My advice is to avoid the intestine
and plan an alternate route.
Grab a left at the first major artery and
get on the fifth lumbar heading south.
Skeletal update every hour
on the hour.
- Time for a thorough checkup.
- It's gotta be here somewhere.
- The operation is a success!
- Success.
- Success.
- Doctors, we're done here.
Arrest those men.
Come here.
Come on, man.
What are you doing? Come on.
Come here.
Stay still, all right?
- So you were the doctors.
- No, we're not them.
We're someone else. The three you're
looking for are our twin brothers.
You'll never see us together,
because we love the same women.
That's next on Geraldo.
- Roland.
- Yes?
- What are you doing here?
- That's a good question.
- What am I doing here?
- lmpersonating a doctor,
harassing a patient,
altering medical records.
Trespassing,
destroying hospital property.
And don't forget Alan
punching out Volare.
- Whose side are you on anyway?
- Give me that.
- Stealing private property.
- It could happen to anyone.
- Society's to blame.
- Too much violence in the movies.
- It's my environment.
- We were carrying out orders!
It's the Japanese.
They're buying up everything.
Did we leave anything out?
Could I have
a personalized number?
Is my hair okay?
Empty your pockets.
You can make one call.
Hello, Sportsline?
Steamer, hi. This is Rocco.
Am I on the air?
Give me that.
Be careful with that.
Do you know who this man is?
This is Jackson Pollock Jr.,
son of Roy Lichtenstein.
In a few years,
this could be worth millions.
Nobody knows the trouble
I've seen
Nobody knows my sorrow
What's it all about, Alfie?
Is it just for the moment we live?
What's it all about
When you sort it out, Alfie?
In the jungle, the mighty jungle,
The lion sleeps tonight
In the jungle, the quiet jungle,
The lion sleeps tonight
Hey.
- You got visitors.
- Maybe it's somebody
- with a recording contract.
- Alan. Lisa.
You can go home, fellas.
- You bribed a guard?
- I paid your bail.
- How did you do that?
- I used my severance pay.
- You have servants?
- No.
Volare fired me.
It seems I wasn't
appreciative enough.
- He can't do that.
- No, he's done it, all right.
And now he's dancing
with Lisa's understudy.
The one with the large chest?
There's nobody in the company
like that.
- Would be if I were running things.
- This is terrible.
And Volare's vowed to blackball us
from ever dancing
for a major ballet company.
- That's not fair.
- I know.
- And it's all my fault.
- Oh, it's your fault, huh?
Alan, don't talk that way.
Why, I wouldn't dance with Volare
if he were the last man on earth.
Wait a minute.
Just because you're not in the ballet
doesn't mean you won't dance tonight.
Flakfizer's right.
I don't know why, but he's right.
And I think it's about time for Alan
to make his New York debut.
To the theater,
and not a minute to lose!
- Break a leg, Mr. Volare.
- Grazie.
Tina, darling.
- Break a leg, Mr. Volare.
- Grazie.
- Break a leg, Mr. Volare.
- Grazie.
- Five minutes, Mr. Volare.
- Five minutes?
Oh, my God.
What have I been doing?
- Four minutes, Mr. Volare.
- Four minutes?
Three minutes, Mr. Jolson.
What's going on here?
Where do you want these,
Mr. Volare?
Anywhere.
Just keep them out of my way.
All right. Come on.
Hurry up. Get out of here.
Go. Hey, you too. You too. Out.
Where do you want these,
Mr. Volare?
- What's going on here?!
- How do I know?
Have you lost your mind?
Lobstergram for Mr. Volare.
Lobstergram! Oh, there you are.
For he's a jolly good fellow
For he's a jolly good fellow
For he's a jolly good fellow
A masseuse!
Lazlo!
Mr. Volare is coming.
Places, please.
T onight is your night, my dear.
Thanks to you, Edmund.
After the performance,
I will announce you as the sole director
of our ballet company.
If I do say so myself,
the ballet is in good hands.
How could I ever have
trusted someone
as nefarious
as Roland Flakfizer?
I don't wish to hear his name
mentioned ever again.
Edmund.
It's those idiots!
I will put a stop to this.
Good evening, ballet fans.
We've got a good one.
Another big-league ballet battle
starring that plucky
Roberto "Bulldog" Volare.
And what a great night
for a ballet it is.
The sky is clear, the wind
is blowing from left to right,
which means the ballerinas
should be flying out of here.
And here we go. Volare does
a pirouette, another pirouette.
A skip, a leap. He spins.
He scores!
Listen to that crowd!
- It's him!
- We return you now
to your regularly scheduled program.
Come here.
Get the police now!
Hi.
Get out! Get...
Hold it.
The Great Volare?
Bon voyage.
No!
- All right, yeah.
- Okay. Here we go.
- Slam-dunk.
- Yes!
This is an outrage!
I will not continue
unless you put a stop to this!
Yes, sir.
- Spread out. Find them!
- Let's go.
Don't-- Hey, give me that.
Get out of here.
Get out.
Damn. Get off. Off.
Let's go, this way.
- This way.
- Ole!
What on earth is happening?
Edmund. Anyone?
- You rang?
- Roland, what is happening?
Ballet history.
When do we go on?
I'd say right about now.
There they are! Arrest those men!
- Don't let them get away!
- Oh, boy.
I will never work for
the Oglethorpe Ballet again!
- Will you put that in writing?
- This evening could ruin my career!
At least we're thinking
along the same lines.
I must explain to my public
this is all your doing.
- They're trying to tell you something.
- I quit!
That's what they're trying to tell you.
Officers, take these people away.
Oh, my God, he's got a gun!
The man's insane.
He could use a gift certificate
to the Betty Ford Center.
We'll have lunch
right after the lobotomy.
Always remember, nobody likes you.
Bravo! Bravo!
Wonderful. Wonderful!
We're a hit!
Go on, get back out there.
Get back out there.
- Listen to that crowd!
- You're a ballet legend.
- And you're not even dead yet.
- Oh, Roland, I'm so glad I trusted you.
Rest assured, my darling,
I will never leave your side again.
What's that? Nothing.
Hey, what happened?
I got an idea.
Hey, big boy.
Come here.
Yes. Oh, boy.