Hey, folks, it's me, Dwayne Hoover,
slashing prices 'cause we're
goin' bananas for Hawaiian week.
Come on down to Exit 11 Motor Village.
I'm gonna slash some
prices just for you!
Hey, ask anybody. You
can trust Dwayne Hoover.
I think we're onto something-
The deadly germ anthrax
for use as a weapon-
- I- I- - Is there
something you wanted to say?
- I'm sorry.
- Sorry?
Sorry I made us order the
pepperoni and anchovies.
Your breakfast, Mrs. Hoover.
When your stomach is under attack,
fight back with
maximum-strength Trypepton.
Now available in new orange flavor.
Soothing, fast relief naturally.
So, now how do you feel?
Take my hand
I'm a stranger in paradise
I'm lost in a wonderland
A stranger in paradise
stand starry-eyed
That's a danger in paradise
For mortals who stand beside
- An ngel like you
- Mr. Hoover!
Breakfast of champions!
Breakfast of champions, Mr. Hoover!
Great news, people. Today's not the day.
- Hello, Lottie.
- Hello, sir.
white Shoulders. You know I love it.
Dwayne? The poison bubbles almost won.
The poison bubbles almost won.
The poison bubbles almost won.
Talk to me. Please.
well, Hawaiian week
down at the showroom.
I saw your ad on TV,yes!
- Please say something.
- well, what should I say?
Anything you feel like
sayin'. You're Dwayne Hoover!
People know who ya are, don't they?
That's right, Lottie.
They do know who I am.
who am I?
Please?
Oh, hi, folks. Dwayne Hoover here...
from Dwayne Hoover's
Exit 11 Motor Village.
we're searching the seven seas to find you
a whale of a deal on a new car or truck.
- Are you sorry?
- Stop on in just for the hell of it...
and reel yourself in a good deal.
- You can trust Dwayne Hoover.
- Sure. Sure, I'm sorry.
- I'm sorry as heck.
- Then say something.
well, what should I say, Celia?
I mean, I'm just- I'm
just looking for a-
Each Monday, millions
of Americans suffer from-
A sign.
Anything really, Celia.
I mean, all day long and-
Not much, you know? I mean-
Boy-
There are days when I just
think, is it me or what?
- what?
- Yeah.
- I know what you can say, Dwayne.
- what?
- You can say- -
Join millions who say-
Good-bye, Blue Monday.
I have never experienced such
safe, fast and effective relief.
- Oh. - I can finally say,
"Good-bye, Blue Monday. "
No, no. No, no, Nippy.
No, no! No! No, Nippy!
I swear I'm armed! I'll shoot!
Hey!
Nippy!
Hey!
Nippy! Nip!
This is how dogs get themselves killed.
Wedding day
In, oh, so many ways Ha!
Oh, wedding day
If I saw you on your wedding day
Dear Mr. Kilgore Trout.
My name is Eliot Rosewater,
and this is a fan letter.
Plague on wheels is the greatest novel-
Plague on wheels is the greatest
novel in the English language.
"I promise to make you famous. You
should be president of the United States. "
what the hell? I mean,
look at the handwriting.
It must be from a kid of 14.
" Promise to make you famous. "
My first fan letter ever, and I'll
show you what I'm gonna do with it.
watch this.
Two hundred novels, 2,000 short stories.
Never heard back from
one publisher, not one,
except that wide-open beaver outfit,
and they didn't pay me doodley-squat.
And then I get a fan letter.
well, I'll burn you out of my body bag.
I'll be glad when it's over.
Can't wait till my head's as
empty as the day I was born...
onto this damaged planet
all those years ago.
Empty as a child's,
a very young child's.
That's why I wrote those stories, Bill.
Get rid of all the junk
that's built up over the years.
Hey, folks, it's me
- Dwayne Hoover.
Hey, folks, it's me, Dwayne Hoover.
Going bananas down here. Dwayne Hoover.
Dwayne Hoover. Hey, folks, it's me.
Dwayne Hoover.
There he goes, Grace. He's drivin'
by the house because he knows!
I'm tellin' ya, Grace! He knows!
He doesn't know a damn thing, Harry.
Now, will you please get
over here and sit down?
Oh.
I'm telling you, Grace, Dwayne Hoover-
Dwayne Hoover knows everything.
Harry, that is such bullshit.
Dwayne Hoover doesn't
know his son is a freak.
He doesn't know his wife is suicidal.
He doesn't know. Besides, who
cares if Dwayne Hoover knows?
Oh, well, I care,
because I'm his sales manager,
and I'm telling you that Dwayne Hoover is
saying and doing things he never used to.
- Come here, big boy.
- Grace, listen to me.
- I got somethin'you want. - I've
known Dwayne Hoover for over 21 years.
I know him the way a combat
soldier knows his buddy.
Jesus, he knows me.
- Harry, first of all, listen to me.
- Yes.
You were never in the army.
Second of all, we're the only people in this
whole town who have any kind of sex life.
You should be proud.
Grace, I try, but I can't.
Oh,Jesus. I'm the
freak, not Dwayne Hoover.
Me! I mean, look. I got a sex problem.
I'll tell you who has
a sex problem, Harry.
How many orgasms do you think Dwayne
Hoover has a month, huh? Lift your skirt up.
I don't care how many times
Dwayne Hoover comes a month.
I have 87, and you have 36.
People like Dwayne Hoover
have 1.5. 1.5, Harry.
Now, that is sick.
Let's move to Hawaii and get a condo
in Maui like we've always wanted.
Oh, Grace, you know we can't.
I mean, think of my job.
Think how long it's taken
me to become what I am.
Maui.
Maui.
- Maui.
- Maui.
Hey!
Get out of the car, asshole!
I'm gonna teach you a lesson-
why, you're Mr. Dwayne Hoover.
I bought my new car down
at Exit 11 Motor Village.
- where am I?
- Oh, Sugar Creek Estates.
- What is happening here?
- Don't worry. Somebody just dumping sludge in the creek.
But the guys are gettin'it cleaned up.
You can go on through if you want to, but
keep it kind of slow for me, will ya, please?
- Be nice and safe. - Hey! You can't
go there! I got your license plate!
That was Mr. Hoover from Exit 11.
Oh, I should have got his autograph.
Doggone it. My wife's never
gonna believe that I did this.
- what's that?
- Another special delivery.
Two in one week. You ain't
dead yet, old man. Here you go.
Dear Mr. Trout, My
name is Fred T. Barry,
chairman of the arts festival, celebrating
the opening of the Mildred T. Barry...
Memorial Center for the
Arts in Midland City.
It would be our most profound honor...
for you to be one of our
creative and distinguished...
out-of-town
participants.
This check for dollar1,000
is for travel expenses...
and an honorarium.
- why all this sudden interest
in Kilgore Trout, Bill, huh?
Some mistake's been made. No question.
Maybe they've invited me because
they know I've got a tuxedo.
Ever show you my
tuxedo, Bill, huh? Yeah.
If they really want Kilgore Trout,
they'll want him in a tuxedo.
Ah. Yeah.
High school dance.
Believe it or not, once
even I was young, Bill.
Me. Hey.
Yeah, it's quite a good fit, huh?
Hey, Bill, what is that?
Cha, cha, cha
Cha, cha-
I'm too old for all that.
why go all the way out to Midland City
just to make a laughingstock of myself?
I'm my only fan.
Anyway, if I went out
there, I'd want to read...
out loud from my own stuff.
Means I'd have to go to those
wide-open beaver bookshops...
and dig out some of my published work.
They don't want nothin'
but smilers out there.
Unhappy failures need not apply.
Maybe unhappy failures is
exactly what they should see.
Show those provincials what nobody's
ever seen before at an arts festival.
Someone who's devoted his entire
life searching for truth and beauty...
and didn't find doodley-squat.
The creator who's failed
and failed and failed.
Think there's anybody in Midland City
who'd listen to a cockroach like that, Bill?
Anybody at all, huh?
Maybe it's my missin, Bill.
Think it could be my missin?
Dwayne?
Yeah.
Happy, happy birthday
From your staff all who
we wish you happy birthday
So we could party too Hey!
See? See, Francine?
What'd I tell you?
Something's come over him.
- I've never seen this Dwayne before.
- Oh, Harry.
Dwayne may be the most charming man in
Midland City, but he's also very shy.
I don't find him so charming anymore.
He was walking away from me just now.
Oh, Harry. Dwayne Hoover has fewer
bad days than anybody else I know.
- But why me?
- Oh, Harry!
why me?
Dwayne? Honey!
- Not now, Francine.
- I mean, Mr. Hoover.
- Just leave me alone, please.
- we didn't mean to embarrass you.
- I was embarrassed.
- Sweetheart, can we have breakfast?
Please? After all, it's your birthday.
Don't touch me. They're all watching.
Nobody can see what we're
doing. Nobody can hear us.
Hey!
- Francine.
- what?
- why are you pouring cream on
my bananas? - It's not cream.
It's La Creme. It's
like cream only better
I only like sugar on my
bananas. Francine, you know that.
I don't like when you're
sharp, Dwayne Hoover,
and you've been sharp
quite a lot lately.
It's beginning to make me think that the
things Harry Le Sabre says about you are true.
what things? what's Harry saying?
Oh, that you've changed, that
you're not the man you used to be.
I swear, Francine, this is why I go home
and talk to my dog for hours and hours,
and my dog hates my guts.
Dwayne Hoover, am I losing you?
The only thing anyone's losing
around here is their mind, Francine.
If you don't like me anymore, Dwayne
Hoover,just say so. I can take the truth.
Truth, truth, truth.
Damn, Rosemary, take them damn pills!
You're turnin' me into plutonium!
Good morning, Mr. Hoover.
- You're looking especially well
this morning. - Excuse me!
we are having a private-
Francine! I mean, sir! I'm sorry-
we are having a private
conversation, if you don't mind.
we gotta get outta here right now!
Get your hands off me, murderer! I
want Dwayne Hoover to take me home.
Vernon, this is a demerit
on your performance record.
I know things that could
make your head spin.
My head spins all the time.
I'm trying to make it stop.
we gotta get outta here right now!
Oh, I can't stand that
woman. She is such a phony.
That was a real violation of protocol.
Dwayne? Dwayne?
Hey, I didn't know Vernon had
an SE coupe just like mine.
- Rosemary!
- I don't care! I love him!
- Francine.
- Except he's got a rear deck spoiler.
- Francine, please.
- They look awfully masculine,
don't you think, Dwayne?
- Francine, please be quiet.
- Dwayne, are you changing again?
- Harry was right.
- Oh, shut up!
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry, Francine. I didn't mean it.
- Sit down, please.
- No!
Mr. Hoover, I am crossing the
street and going directly to work.
Hey, Dwayne Hoover. How ya doin'?
I will behave in a professional manner
no matter how much you've changed.
A thousand dollars.
That's a lot of paper.
A lot of paper a thousand dollars.
who in their right mind would
give me a thousand dollars?
why me?
And they think I can write? I can write?
I'll show 'em.
Howdy, partners! Dwayne Hoover here!
And the stampede is on at Dwayne
Hoover's Exit 11 Motor Village!
It's Hawaiian week, and that means great
savings on new and used cars and trucks.
So don't get left out in the dust!
Come on down and check out our
big deal for big horsepower!
whoo!
That's right. It is Hawaiian week-
why is wayne Hoobler smilin'?
wayne Hoobler gettin' out today?
That there is Dwayne
Hoover on televisin.
My name and his sound so much alike.
- You can trust Dwayne-
- And I trust him.
Can't trust nobody,
wayne Hoobler, just me.
Oh, no, I trust Dwayne Hoover,
and I'm gonna work for him at Exit
I'm gonna live happily
ever after in fairy-
Gonna say fairyland, wayne Hoobler?
Hell, no. No, honest. Swear.
Gallop on down to Dwayne
Hoover's Exit 11 Motor Village!
- All you know is from watchin' TV.
- we got you covered.
You can't even count money.
Let me tell you something.
The creator of the universe
is watchin' over me,
and I'm gonna work for Dwayne
Hoover 'cause it's my callin'.
warden's ready for you, Hoobler.
It's your lucky day. Not yours, Eli.
where in hell do they get
these crazy picture ideas?
There's absolutely nothing about a
college professor or sorority giris...
in the body of this novel.
E
- Excuse me.
No women, for cryin' out loud.
That's why I didn't get paid for it.
All I got was
doodley-squat. Doodley-squat.
watch it, perverted bastard.
My God! "The Dancing Fool. "
I never realized this
had been published.
This must be more than 30 years old.
It's for an arts festival.
"what is the purpose of life?"
To be the eyes and ears and conscience
of the creator of the universe.
Ya fool!
Let's go over their descriptions
again by age, color of skin, etcetera.
For all I know they may
not have been earthlings.
For all I know they may have been
an intelligent gas from Pluto.
You have some blood on your nose.
A small leak can sink a
great ship. Benjamin Franklin.
That gas moved fast like a
fart on linoleum. Kilgore Trout.
Hey! Don't be a caveman!
Escape to the future, and come on down
to Dwayne Hoover's Exit 11 Motor Village!
I'll make ya a mammoth deal!
That's right, folks. It's Hawaiian
week, and you can trust your old pal-
That's me, Dwayne Hoover-
to make you a great deal on a
luxury sedan just like this one.
- Your stop, Hoobler.
- Come on down to Exit 11 Motor Village.
I'm gonna slash some
prices just for you!
During Hawaiian Week we're
gonna offer you a whole new deal,
and that's no monkey business.
That means great savings on
new and used cars and trucks!
I'm talkin' luxury with attitude, folks.
Yes, sirree, Bob.
Luxury with style. Luxury
with bird shit on the hood!
- Pan to Le Sabre.
- There's bird shit on the hood!
Harry,you're on!
Oh, hi.
I'm Harry Le Sabre, sales
manager for Exit 11 Motor Village.
As Dwayne Hoover just told you folks,
it's Hawaiian week here.
Tell them about the bird shit
on the hood, why don't ya?
we're loaded with new cars and trucks!
Hawaiian week celebrates
our inventory reduction sale.
So come on down and drive
out with a new automobile,
plus a cash rebate of dollar1,149...
and become eligible for
a free trip to Hawaii.
- Dwayne.
- So, remember,
it's not too late to enter!
It's
- Remember,
let us prove to you that
what's good for Dwayne Hoover...
is good for you...
too!
I'd like to see you in my
office right away, Harry.
Cut, cut. Harry, what the
hell were you thinking?
- Do you think we got anything?
- Not much.
Harry, you spoiled the whole thing.
- Mr. Hoover!
- Hey.
Mr. Hoover, I'm sorry about
yesterday morning in the restaurant.
My wife, you know, she's - She sees
things that aren't really there.
- I understand.
- Maybe I'm goin' crazy. I don't know.
- I'll go home for hours and talk
with my gosh-darn dog. - I understand.
- Mr. Hoover! How ya doin' there, sir?
- Good morning.
It's a pleasure to finally meet ya.
I've been watching you half of my life.
- Good morning.
- Remember this?
It's from yourJuly 4 Firecracker Sale.
Had it in my wallet since I was nine.
The good Lord meant for us to work so
close because our names are so close, see?
- Mine is wayne Hoobler.
- Hoobler.
Isn't that beautiful? I'm gonna have my
own car dealership one day just like you.
Never told anyone that though.
Saved it just for you, sir.
- Good morning.
- Good morning, sir.
It's a great morning,
sir. Beautiful day, sir!
Stop shaking my hand now, young man.
You know, you look great. Hop on in.
- That's the- -
Young man! Young man!
- That's what I told Eli. -
Young man! Stop shaking my-
My God.
Fairyland!
No.
Harry! Harry!
Come over here. I need to
speak to you right this second.
I didn't really say that.
Dwayne, what can I say?
I always knew you'd find out someday.
But we've been friends far too long
for such a thing to ever interfere...
- Harry! Harry, Harry.
- with our relationship.
- Do you see this young man
over here? Please. - Yeah?
Take good care of him.
Give him whatever he wants.
Dwayne, I don't know what made
me think I could hide it from you.
- Grace said it's
just a- - Harry. Harry!
- we'll discuss it in my office, okay?
- All right.
The inquisition.
- Harry, put 'er there.
- Hello.
- wayne Hoobler.
- Hoobler.
- Hoobler, yes. It's a pleasure.
- Pleasure.
- That your office back there?
- Yes.
Let's go take a look.
For some reason, this looks like it's turning
out to be another one of those tough days,
so let's keep everything nice and-
Excuse me, Mr. Hoover.
Ever since breakfast yesterday I've
been thinking very hard on the subject,
and I've decided I feel I should quit.
I think it'll be easier on both of us.
You don't have to be crazy to
work here, but it sure helps.
That's just to keep people from being
serious all the time, Mr. Sourpuss.
I'm sorry, Dwayne.
I know you're just tense.
You're under a lot of pressure.
You remember how you were last year during
the George washington Day Giveaway Sale?
Uh-uh-uh-uh-uh.
I swear, some people will
swallow almost anything.
Oh, I'm sorry. I wasn't referring
to your wife when I said that.
Dwayne, I have a little
something for you.
Just a gift to take with you.
And, um,
I forgive you for yesterday,
snooks.
I've been watching Dwayne Hoover
ever since I was nine years old.
Nine years old.
Did he ever say anything
about me, about my habits?
- He said you'd give me what I need.
- Give you what you need.
well, I wonder what the
hell he meant by that, huh?
No, please. Put that down.
That's much, much better.
It's a little medicine.
Now, why don't you fill
out this entry form here,
and, uh, let's see
what we can do for you.
what would you like?
- Haaaa... way- - A sports
sedan. For color, uh?
Yeah, metallic gray purple. That
should make your mouth water.
That should make life in the passing
lane a little more comfortable.
Hawaii.
Hawaii. It's Hawaiian week.
You're eligible for
a free trip to Hawaii.
- I don't want to go there.
- Just come and sit down.
I want to stay here!
That's all right. You don't
have to go. That's all right.
Now, uh, do you have a trade-in?
- A trade?
- Yes.
Yes, sir, I'm a homemaker. Honest.
Oh. A homemaker, huh?
Oh, uh, well, maybe a sports
sedan isn't quite right for you.
How about a Crown Victoria?
One owner, low miles.
Little old lady only drove
it to a retirement home.
- You have that for me?
- Yes! You just sign right here.
- I'll get you the keys.
- Fairyland.
- what?
- what?
- what'd you say?
- Nothin'.
- I didn't say nothin'. Must
have been someb- - Yes,you did.
Goddamn it. I distinctly
heard you say f-f-
why'd you say that? Please, help
me. I need to know why you said that.
Is that the image? Is that
the image? Does it show?
For God's sake, man!
Tell me! Does it show?
Please don't tell Dwayne Hoover.
Look, I'm not lost, I swear! I
promise. It's just all the colors.
Colors? what colors?
For Christ sake, you have
colors on. This is a black suit.
This is a conservative black suit!
Oh. Oh.
Much, much better.
- Now, sit down, Mr. Hoover.
- " Bler. "
- " Bler"?
- Hoobler.
- Oh. - You see, the good Lord
gave us names so close,
so that both of us would
know exactly what to do.
Hoobler. Mr. Hoobler.
Now, listen to me.
Now, there are ways to hide
these papers permanently.
But you
- you must never, ever...
tell anyone about our little talk today.
- Yes, sir.
- Oh.
- And thank you, sir.
- Oh, thank you.
- Can you do me
a favor? - Mm-hmm.
Tell Dwayne Hoover I'll be here
bright and early in the morning.
No, no, no. No. wait.
You can't come back!
Bright and early! It's my calling!
You can't come back!
One, two, three, four. Hmm. Ah. Ah.
Ah!
Ah.
Hello?
Dwayne knows. Everybody knows.
He wants to see me in his office.
what do I do? I'm a nervous wreck.
- Just take a relax.
- I've already taken four time capsules!
- Maui beckons.
- No, no, no. Please, Grace, please.
This is very, very
important. Listen to me.
Harry, what is important is what is, and you
are the result of two million biological years.
Don't blow it. I love you.
Ah! Don't blow it, yeah.
Dear Mr. Hoover,
Sugar Creek Estates, of which you are the
primary stockholder and chief developer,
will be the subject of a public forum
to discuss the toxic soil findings...
beneath the development site.
Midland City, come on.
Oh, how can you stand
that smell out there?
Oh, shut the door!
Oof! Oof.
Oh, it's all poisoned now.
Think of the shit most
of these factories make.
Raspberry air freshener,
gourmet cat food,
plastic doughnuts.
I used to be a conservationist.
Used to weep and wail when I heard
about people shooting bald eagles...
from helicopters and all
that, but I gave it up.
I laugh about it now. I say, "
Up your ass! Man needs its gas!"
You gotta be kiddin' me.
You ever read a story
called "Gilgongo"?
About a planet that becomes too unpleasant
because there was too much creation going on?
- Gil what?
- Gilgongo.
- Extinct.
- I gotta take a leak.
I understand that to mean
you're gonna steal a mirror.
- Steal a mirror?
- Leaks.
The holes between two universes.
Don't get too near to that leak. You don't
want to wind up in the other universe, do you?
- Maybe you should take some more
time to relax, Gramps. - Time is a joker.
The only solution to any problem
is time. How lucky can you get?
All right, that's 23.50 for the diesel.
Don't forget to clean
the side leak there.
- The what?
- The leak.
- The mirror! - Oh, the
mir- Oh, well, that's funny.
what are you lookin' at?
Ah!
Just a-
Just a gosh-darn minute!
Okay!
Dwayne! Uh-
Hey, how's my old army buddy?
As well as can be expected, Harry.
How about you? You
having any... problems?
No. No, I, uh-
I don't know how to say it, but-
I guess it started with the
Tugboat Annie movie. Yeah?
I don't know. Maybe it was
panties on a clothesline...
or Mother's bra in the laundry...
or sister's slip, this silk-
Vernon Garr's wife, Rosemary, thinks Vern
is trying to turn her brain into plutonium.
- what do you think
of that? - Uh, well-
God!
That's just-
we play around.
Horsey. Dressy. Grace and I.
It's fun, but it's-
It's a private thing.
It's in our own house.
we don't-
Uh, i-it-
Not-
You know-
what's wrong-
It's, uh-
we don't have any children, so, you
know, why contribute to overpopulation?
Harry, sit down, please.
Sit down!
Okay. Damn it. Oh, geez-
Sit down!
That's good.
You did sit down.
why did you sit down, Harry?
Because you asked me to, Dwayne.
Right. Good.
I asked you to sit down, and you
did. You do that, don't you, Harry?
People ask you to do things, and
you do that. why is that, Harry?
Uh, what are you saying, Dwayne?
what are you saying, Harry?
well, what I'm saying is that I-
I guess that...
I don't really understand
my own statement, you know?
Is that why you're telling
people that I've changed, Harry?
Oh, no, no, no. I just said you're
behaving a little differently.
It's
- I meant it as a compliment.
- You meant it as a compliment.
- Yes.
So you weren't happy
with the way I was before.
Are you sure this doesn't have
anything to do with the fact...
that only you know that
I was adopted, Harry?
I want the truth!
Good God, Dwayne, no! Come
on. we're army buddies. Army!
You weren't in the
army, Harry, remember?
You stayed home.
I was in the Signal Corps.
You were not in the army.
Harry.
I have never let the fact that you have
the name of a Buick come between us.
- Have I, Harry?
- No.
- Because you can't help that.
- No.
- It's not your fault.
- Right.
- You can't change that,
can you, Harry? - Mm-mm.
But this is Hawaiian week.
Yeah.
I suggest you go get with Vernon Garr.
Have him get you some cotton waste.
Soak it in blue Sunoco.
And I want you to burn
your entire wardrobe.
- Do you understand what I'm saying?
- Yeah.
Now, look, in the old days,
when we first started selling new
cars, we sold them to older people.
Under those circumstances, it was perfectly
all right to dress the way you dress.
Hey, you could dress like a mortician.
You could dress like my
Aunt Clarice for that matter.
But doggone it, Harry!
You seem to be forgetting something!
we are selling the most aggressively
designed automobile on the road today...
for people that are looking for
unsurpassed driving excitement.
But look at you. You're
dressed like an undertaker.
Now, Harry, I have some good news.
Modern science has given us a whole
new wonderful array of colors...
with exciting names like red,
blue, orange, yellow, pink.
- Ah.
- Am I making myself clear?
why don't you come right
out and say it, Dwayne?
Say what, Harry?
That I like to wear women's clothes.
- Is that what you like, Harry?
- Yeah.
Yeah.
No. No.
No, no, no, no. well-
Not exactly.
Then why do you want me to say you
like to wear women's clothes, Harry?
I don't, Dwayne. I don't.
I swear to God I don't.
Then what are you saying?
I'll change. I'll change.
- You'll change?
- Yes.
- I have your word on that?
- Absolutely.
It's Hawaiian week. I've got
to be able to count on you.
Yes, you can.
- So you
change. - Mm-hmm.
- And don't you worry about me changing.
- No, no, no, no.
- That's fair, isn't it?
- Oh, absolutely. That's more than fair.
- That's not too much to ask.
- No, no, no.
Good God, no.
And I wanna be friends like before.
- Friends?
- Yeah.
- Buddies?
- Buddies.
- Buddies.
- Buddies.
- You can go, Harry.
- All right.
- Right now.
- Oh. Yes.
Yes, yes, Dwayne.
Buddies.
Francine.
He said I dress like an undertaker.
Oh, I thought he was gonna bring up-
Just remember, Harry. Dwayne
Hoover is the best employer in town.
Ah!
From the most beautiful
place in the worid...
comes the most exotic
tanning product in the worid.
Hawaiian Tropic.
Natural oils, tropical fruits,
flora, nuts and protective sun screens.
Created by one man for one reason.
White is for laundry.
"Thank you for calling Dwayne
Hoover's Exit 11 Motor Village,
the number-one dealership
in the Four Corners area,
where we are celebrating Hawaiian week
with free prizes and big discounts. "
This is Francine Pefko.
How may I help you?
Francine.
Dwayne?
I want you to walk out of here
with me this very moment...
and go to the Best western
Apollo Inn in Shepherdstown.
Mr. Hoover!
You ought to have some crazy teenager who
can run off with you whenever you want her to.
I don't want a crazy
teenager, Francine. I want you!
- who's this knucklehead, Harry?
- It's wayne Hoobler.
He's a friend of Dwayne's.
- Take good care of him, will ya?
- He looks like a good guy.
How ya doin', buddy?
wanna take her for a spin?
- Four-door, 429-
- Hey, Mr. Hoover!
what say?
This key entry thing-
It's a four digit-
Oh! Be right back, fellas.
we're just going to the... bank.
Maybe stop for a... snack.
I'll be here when you get back,
Mr. Hoover. You can count on it.
You could fry an egg on
this engine if you wanted to.
Extinct. Gilgongo.
The bull elephant makes
his way inexorably...
for what he knows to be
his own certain death.
Slouching, as it were,
to what's his own personal Bethlehem.
Gilgongo!
Oh, I love the smell of
raspberry air freshener.
Hmm. TV helps me relax.
we sure do want you relaxed, Francine.
- Hmm!
- That's for sure.
Now why would a thin
good-looking man like that...
love a woman so heavy?
- Come up here. - Now, welcome
to The Monty Rapid Show...
with Mr. Monty Rapid.
Thank you, my old friend Virgil, and
welcome, everyone, to The Monty Rapid Show.
Today it is my great privilege to
have here in the studio as my guest...
- Mr. Fred T. Barry, one of Midland City's great leaders,
- Look! It's Fred T. Barry.
also one of its wealthiest.
- Mr. Barry has joined
us- - I love you, Dwayne.
No, Francine, don't. Don't.
I know I promised never to say it,
but it's a promise I can't
help breaking all the time.
Francine, please!
I know the subject is painful for you,
ever since your wife
started acting... crazy.
- That's enough!
- Oh!
Can you tell the listening audience what they
should expect from your -our art festival?
Art, Monty. They can expect art.
when I go to heaven-
on Judgment Day and they ask me
what bad things I did down here,
I'm gonna have to tell them, well-
A little art, Monty, can go a long way.
It was a promise I
made to a man I loved...
and I kept breaking it all the time.
Francine, let's just
drop the whole subject.
I promised never to say-
- Francine, please, just
don't say those- - I love you!
- "The greatest living writer in the English language. "
- Love, love, love, love.
- Hmm.
- Twist me a bit.
Kilgore Trout.
- Mr. Kilgore Trout.
- You work so hard.
- Kilgore Trout.
- was a man, I'd be tense all the time too.
Kilgore Trout.
People, stick around.
We'll be right back in a rapid moment
right after this important message.
Dwayne?
Remember when we
bundled up baby George...
and took him for his first
ride in the station wagon?
- He was so happy.
- You work so hard, honey.
Maybe that's why God created women:
to help men relax from time to time.
You feel better now, dear?
Good.
Oh, darn. Oh, I promised
Gloria I'd be back in one hour.
The perfect blast, six
feet of choice meats,
real dairy cheese.
You know, this would be
the perfect location...
for a fried chicken franchise
right here next to the prison.
Dwayne,you're makin'a
face like a rattlesnake.
Ah!
Today we're turning out the
deals that beat the band-
- Aha what?
- Francine!
Next time you want to ask me
for a gift, do me a favor...
and don't hint around until
after we are done making love.
I like to keep my lovemaking
and my gift giving separate!
Dwayne, I don't even know
what it is you think I want.
I don't even know what it
is you think I want, Dwayne!
- why are you doing this to me?
- God bless America!
Every woman has her price, Francine.
Yours just happens to be
dollar200,000 with parking and lights!
It's not for me. It's for you.
Everything I want is for you!
It's not for me. It's for you!
Everything I want is for you, Dwayne!
Harry Le Sabre was right!
He said you'd changed,
and, my God, you've changed.
Dwayne Hoover, you have changed!
I'm sorry I was so
cross with you, Francine.
I don't know what's wrong with me.
You're the most loyal and unselfish
person I've ever known in my whole life.
I'm so sorry.
Please forgive me.
- I'm so confused.
- Oh, we all are.
I'm just looking for somebody to
steer me in the right direction,
just a sign.
I just need somebody
to talk to. That's all.
well, here, baby.
Sit here and tell Mommy everything.
Okay.
- Then, tell me, please.
- Tell you what, my sweetheart?
what life is about.
Oh, only God knows
that, Dwayne, only God.
God, God, God, God.
- Francine?
- Hmm?
Did I ever tell you about my
trip to headquarters in Michigan?
- when you won the Golden Sales Award?
- Yes.
Mm-mm.
I was given a tour of
the research facility.
- Do you know what impressed me the most?
- what?
The place where they do everything to cars
that you're not supposed to do to cars.
I remember seeing a sign on
the door of the building...
where they did all this torture.
It said, " Destructive Testing. "
I remember looking at that sign and
thinking, is this what I'm here for,
to see just how much a man
can take without breaking?
I've lost my way, Francine.
Oh.
Take my hand and lead
me out of the woods.
- You're just tired, honey.
- I'm way beyond tired.
we're here visiting with Fred T. Barry-
Maybe we should take
you to see a doctor?
I don't need to hear what a
doctor has to say, Francine.
I've heard what every person in
Midland City's had to say twice.
which one of us would you like, Dwayne?
Which one of us would you like, Dwayne?
- Would you like, Dwayne?
- Dwayne?
Dwayne! what is it? Dwayne!
I need to hear truths
I haven't heard before.
I may need to speak to
someone from another planet.
- The function of the artist is to triumph over life.
- Snuggies!
It certainly is.
what about the writers and
artists coming to Midland City?
- what?
- Maybe you should talk to one of them.
- Mr. Kilgore Trout.
- Kilgore Trout. wow.
Kilgore Trout.
Bunny, Bunny Hoover
Bunny, the crooner, Hoover
Mr. Rhythm Mover
Let me have a vodka cranberry, will ya?
- Got a bladder infection.
- Right.
Weekdays to please at Best
Western Apollo Inn and Lounge
And sometimes
So I don't have to scrounge
At the competition
Yeah
- I'm sure that's enough hair
spray, Francine. - Dwayne,just-
Fine. Looks fine.
- Hi.
- Checking out so soon?
You just got here.
Hey, everybody, now here's a must.
- In the lobby it's Dwayne Hoover, the man you can trust.
- Dwayne?
And there's the lovely Francine Pefko,
Daddy's secretary from the get-go.
- Dwayne, isn't that your son George?
- Yes, that's George.
Can do Francine, I can do
Can do a little treasure
- Come on. Let's go.
- Hi, George.
- we're leaving.
- For your and Daddy's pleasure
I didn't know he was in show business or
that he had a show business name like Bunny.
Bunny Hoover can do
Yeah
You're loaded with
talent, kid. You know that.
- Yeah?
- Absolutely.
It's just a big elephant!
Sir? Officer?
Did you ever wonder how they get
each one to taste exactly the same?
Of course, you don't. You've got too many
other things on your mind, bigger things.
I just pray each Sunday that I'll be
taken care of, but you ask questions.
what is going on here?
Everything all right, Mother?
Mom? Mom!
Mother!
That's Dwayne Hoover.
- Hmm! Look, it's Fred T. Barry.
- Hello, Dwayne!
And we just saw him on televisin.
we've located worid Classics Library.
what is worid Classics Library?
Kilgore Trout's publisher.
- Mmm! Listen.
- This is Fred T. Barry.
It's Fred T. Barry on the
radio, and he's right next to us.
Do you suppose that
means something, Dwayne?
Mother, who is 94 this week.
The keynote speaker will be none other
than the noted novelist Mr. Kilgore Trout.
Kilgore Trout!
You're going to get us killed!
- Francine! Take a memo!
- Mr. Hoover!
- Turn around,jackass!
- what are you, nuts?
I want to meet with Kilgore Trout this
weekend when he comes to Midland City.
You better start driving sensibly,
A.S.A.P., and I am not kidding!
Just take the gosh-darn memo!
Oh! what kind of name is Kilgore Trout?
On the planet, everything
is reversed. It's chaos.
And the inhabitants live
under the snow to keep warm.
They've evolved nail-
They've evolved nails under
what we would call their feet.
They're quadrupods, and they got
eight nails so they don't slip.
And the sun
- They don't go in the sun, because the sun's reversed.
It's cold. It's a cold sun. Cold sun.
Chaos. It's chaos.
Everything's kind of
backwards. "Soahc. Soahc. "
Eliot, I have come to
discuss the arts festival...
and the arrangements for the El Greco.
- Did you find the writer? Kilgore Trout?
- Yes, we did.
wonderful. I-Is he coming
here to Midland City?
- Yes, Eliot, he is.
- wonderful.
Eliot, do you know where
Kilgore Trout stories appear?
They appear in porno smut magazines.
Tell him, Howell.
Yes, sir. Whips and Other Trips,
Hard Thing and Black Garter Belt.
You mean, uh, like this?
What I know is that Kilgore Trout...
should win the Nobel
prize for literature.
Kilgore Trout,
Kilgore Trout, Kilgore Trout,
Kilgore Trout, Kilgore Trout.
Kilgore Trout, Kilgore-
To enhance your life, Panasonic
technology brings you information.
What you may not know is we also bring you the
long-lasting high performance batteries you need.
The Plus Alkaline
battery from Panasonic.
- This guy looks forward
to only one thing.
Twelve people were overcome
by toxic fumes this morning...
and were evacuated from their
homes at Sugar Creek Estates.
Celia?
- Sure, we're having good times, but what if?
- Are you really there?
- They're not happy.
- Bills were adding up and then there's Scott's new school,
but we thought, hey, we can handle this.
Then John's company downsized,
soJohn's trying to find a new job.
That's right. Nobody's happy.
They're just trying
to sell you something.
But they're together, a real family.
we're gonna be okay.
They're not a real family. They're
not real. They're not real people.
Real people worry about
being surprised, Celia.
They worry about people jumping out at them,
shouting their name at inappropriate times.
They worry about being
carted off to the bughouse.
we've been taking care of
people for more than 35 years.
- Now they're happy.
- Celia, snap out of it!
They're not real, okay? Real people
don't stand around in the grass like that.
They're not real.
They're just lying to you.
They're hired to lie to you. That's their
job on TV! You can't trust these people.
Dwayne Hoover slashing prices. We're
going bananas down here for Hawaiian Week.
Hey, ask anybody. You
can trust Dwayne Hoover.
I'd trust you, Dwayne.
- If only you'd tell me
which... Dwayne to trust.
what is that supposed
to mean, hmm? Hmm, Celia?
Is that another one of
your little secret messages?
Are you telling me that you're
leaving me, Celia? Is that it?
'Cause if you're telling me that just go
ahead and tell me, because I can take it.
I can take almost anything these days.
I feel pretty much alone most of the
time anyway, to tell you the truth.
what I'm trying to say is,
whether we're together... or apart...
the moments between us...
have always existed...
and will always...
Famalton,
- the easy formula for stress relief.
- exist.
Make each day as good as the best day.
Mmm!
So you see what I'm saying
about management, kid.
You just need a little guidance-
Jesus. That sounded like a gunshot.
- Mommy!
- wait a minute, kid. I'll come with ya.
- Pops, don't shoot. It's me.
- Don't shoot me either.
I'm interested in handling his act. This
isn't the first time I've had a gun pointed-
Don't light that in here.
This is a nonsmoking household.
Fair enough. I'll be outside
when you're ready, Bunny.
- His name's George!
- George.
Did you shoot Mommy?
You were elected cadet colonel
at the Prairie Military Academy.
It was the highest rank you
could achieve in your senior year.
It was supposed to
make a man out of you.
why would I want that?
what men do is so often cruel and ugly.
You looked like your mother just then.
Oh, baby.
Go to your room.
Yes, sir.
The asshole of the universe ain't
Midland City. It's Libertyville, Georgia.
- You ever seen Libertyville?
- No, haven't had the pleasure.
Yeah, about ten years ago I got
caught in a speed trap down there.
Got a little mad and took a swing
at the cop. They put me in jail.
Hmm.
Main industry down there is pulping.
Got trucks bringing in hundreds of
tons of unwanted printed material...
to Libertyville every day.
- Paper pulping.
- Yeah, paper pulping.
They got so many books down there,
they use it for toilet paper.
I sat in jail for two days with
nothing to do but read my toilet paper.
I still remember one of
the stories that I read.
This story was about as crazy
as anything you ever come across.
It was the last story I ever
read, as a matter of fact.
It was about another planet
where some government guy...
used a roulette wheel to decide which artwork
to put in the museums and which to keep out.
The roulette wheel is
rigged, and then the guy-
- This whatever you call,
uh, uh- - The Barring-gaffner.
Yeah, the Barring
- Yeah. Yeah!
Hey! That's right.
The toilet paper you read in
the Libertyville jail was...
The Barring-gaffner of Bagnialto...
or This Year's Masterpiece
By Kilgore Trout.
- You actually read that thing?
- Yeah, of course I read it.
Boy, what is his name? Trout?
He must be half
cracked, don't you think?
well, he, uh, was self-educated,
if that's what you mean.
He didn't finish high school,
but he could quote Shakespeare.
"All the worid's a stage. All the
men and women are merely players. "
Yeah. Didn't make any sense.
It was chaos.
You got that right.
why would you ever read that
nutty story if you didn't have to?
why?
It takes all kinds of
people to make up a worid.
Dwayne Hoover! Dwayne Hoover!
Hey, folks, it's me. Dwayne
Hoover! Dwayne Hoover!
Ooh!
Good morning, Mr. Hoover!
Good morning, Mr. Hoover.
- Dwayne Hoover!
- Dwayne Hoover!
Mr. Hoover, we are interested in
something that hauls like a truck,
but drives like a luxury sedan.
Yeah, yeah, and with
convenience at our fingertips.
Gonna get a TV set today. I swear,
maybe you might come over for dinner.
Dinner, dinner, dinner.
- Tell me something.
- Yeah?
Take a look over
- over there.
- You see the young man...
- Yeah.
wearing a suit, five, ten and a half?
- Yeah. -
Yes. - Good.
Go talk to him. He'll
take good care of ya.
But, Mr. Hoover, we want
to buy a car from you!
You! You! You!
Oh.
Oh. Ah.
Oh!
Okay!
Oh.
Oh, God.
Dwayne! Buddies.
Princes, pa-poo-la
Have plenty papaya
Oh, me, oh, my-a
You ought to really try a
piece of Pa-Poo-La's papaya
Hawaii! Aloha!
Oh, buddies?
Oh, Dwayne. Look. You
know, I got colors.
I got pink, and the leotards are green.
You said to-
Oh. Ah. Um-
I'm sorry. I'm really sorry.
Ow!
Oh, God. Oh.
Ooh.
Francine.
I may ask you to slip
away with me again today.
Oh, you may ask. You may ask,
but I wouldn't go in a million years.
Dwayne Hoover's Exit 11 Motor
Village. May I help you, please?
Just one moment, please.
It's for you, Mr. Hoover. Oh, I guess
you're not accepting calls today.
Unless I take a g. d. memo,
I forget every little thing-
what are you doing?
Hello?
My name is Horace Durenwurst.
I am with the E.P.A.
I'd like to ask you some questions regarding
the soil toxicity at Sugar Creek Estates.
If that man calls back, you
tell him I've moved away.
Tell him I've moved to
Manitoba. It's in Canada.
Oh. Oh.
- Hello?
- Grace, he didn't say anything. He didn't do anything.
- He just stood there.
- Fuck him, Harry.
The grass skirt fell off and, uh-
To him obviously I'm revolting.
Harry, how many times do I have to tell
you not to be ashamed of what's underneath?
Oh, God, let's just get to
Hawaii as soon as we can.
- Yes. Yes, you know,
Grace, I think you're right.
- I know I'm right.
- You're so wise, Grace.
You know, I'll get us
two tickets to Hawaii.
I'll fix the drawing. I'll
get us two tickets to Hawaii.
Oh, that's the best idea you've
had since you quit therapy.
Oh, boy, oh, boy! Look at that!
What's that all about, those co-ed
sex orgies they have in college?
It's a science fiction novel
written several years ago.
The premise is that life's an experiment
by the creator of the universe.
He wants to test a new creature he's thinking
of introducing into the scheme of things.
The creature has the ability
to make up his own mind.
All the other creatures
are fully automated robots.
Robots! That does not describe
me, Andy wojeckowzski, no, sir!
I'm my own boss! Right down
the highway, baby! Come on.
The book takes the
form of a long letter...
from the creator of the universe
to the experimental creature.
That sounds nice. So where do
the naked sorority giris come in?
- They don't.
- They don't?
That's just... stupid.
I mean, that's dumb.
I mean, who'd want to
publish something like that?
Who'd want to write something
like that? That's just my opinion.
You know what I'm saying? Man!
Stupid.
You know those glasses
that Dwayne wears?
He doesn't need 'em. He just wears 'em
because he thinks it makes him look smart.
He's bald too.
That's why he combs his hair over to the
side like that to cover up the bald spot.
When the wind blows,
it stands straight up.
He looks like Baby Huey.
He's got a small penis too.
I suppose we all want to have
large penises though, don't we?
Anyway, here, fill out this entry form,
and I'll take care of everything else.
I'm not goin' anywhere, man!
well, that's the point. You don't
have to. Just fill this out for me.
I'll take care of the rest.
Drawing's this afternoon.
- Hey, Mr. Hoover!
- Oh,Jesus Christ!
Tell him you saw me.
I changed my clothes.
Forget it! You haven't seen me!
Ohh. And the winner is...
wayne Hoobler of Midland City.
well, Mr. Hoobler, if you're watching,
you have just won first prize...
which is a round-trip ticket
for two to beautiful Hawaii!
And I am sure
- I am sure that Dwayne Hoover,
- the generous and benevolent
owner- - Benevolent?
Christ, Harry, haven't
I taught you anything?
...will give you a choice of islands,
including Maui!
- How about that wayne
Hoobler, Midland City!
Yes!
And now, this, this voyage-
this, this wonderful voyage-
this, this exploration into-
into, uh-
into what-
into the secret hiding places...
where what is the, uh-
Oh, my God, Harry. Shut your mouth.
wonderful, beautiful
sanctuaries of peace.
The peace of it all and...
the terrible, horrible,
horrible war years where-
- where all the private clubs...
- He was never in the army.
- and down and down into the sordid underbelly!
- what's gotten into Harry?
Down into the bottom
where it's members only!
- Geez, this is live. -
And the cruel name-calling.
The naming, naming! The terrible hurt!
But the hunger, the wonderful hunger...
for some sort of full play,
full swing, plenty of
rope, a little elbow room.
No more mountains! No more mountains!
Oh, I'm sorry. Sorry.
I've got the tickets right
here. No, the tickets are-
well, I had the tickets. I have
tickets. They're right here.
Oh! Oh!
Oh! Oh, my! Oh, my goodness.
- Huh?
- Oh, my.
- Oh, my.
- Go for it, big boy.
Just go for it!
Um-
Pan to Mr. Hoover. Mr.
Hoover, you're on. You're live.
I love you like a brother,
Dwayne Hoover. Like a brother.
We better get an ambulance.
Having a good day, old man?
I already know I look ridiculous!
I've made this long pilgrimage
for an orgy of masochism.
Midland City, I have arrived.
- Yoo-hoo,
mister. - Huh?
Are you going in there?
why, it's the only way to Midland City.
well, then, these will help.
I don't, don't need 'em.
Oh.
The arts festival awaits me.
Treat me like a cockroach, Midland City.
Feast your eyes...
on your miserable creator.
You've given me a life not worth living,
but an iron will to live!
Maui! Maui!
Maui!
Maui!
She's goin'.
I just have too many cars. That's all!
- Just forget it, sir.
I can't forget it because I should
know my driver's license number.
Maria, she said if she was gonna
- She came that way...
and then she said she
would come this way-
who am I?
Mr. Hoover, sir.
How are you this
evening? what a pleasure.
Is there anything-
who am I?
Please, someone just tell me who I am.
Sorry, Mr. Hoover. I did not
realize that you were the owner.
I knew that you were the owner, but I didn't
realize you were the owner of this AmeriTel Inn.
I should have recognized.
- Well, enjoy your stay
at the AmeriTel Inn.
Mr. Trout.
Welcome to Midland City Arts Festival.
The AmeriTel Inn invites you to join us
tonight in our cocktail lounge at 6.00 p. m...
to celebrate the first annual
Midland City Arts Festival.
I look perfect for my missin.
Not now. Not now.
The Abominable Snowman has arrived.
Kidnapped from the
slopes of Mount Everest.
Taken as slave to a
bordello in Rio deJaneiro.
I've come to the arts
festival in Midland City...
to have myself
acknowledged before I die...
as a great artist I
believe myself to be.
Mr. Trout, I would know you anywhere.
Marlo, his bags, please.
- Yes, ma'am.
- Take these to his suite.
- Can I take your hat?
- How do you know who I am?
- It had to be you.
- Nobody's ever known who I was before.
Kilgore Trout!
I am Eliot Rosewater,
your greatest admirer.
You're Rosewater?
You don't look like a person
who reads those magazines.
I have gathered to this date
only 41 of your novels...
and 63 of your short stories.
And, of course, I've read them all.
- You've read that much of my stuff?
- Of course.
Please, have a seat.
we are proud...
to be the first community
to acknowledge...
the greatness of Kilgore Trout.
Midland City is ready for a renaissance.
And you, sir, shall be our Leonardo.
I regret that I must leave immediately
on Rosewater Foundation business.
But the honor, sir,
has been entirely mine.
Let's go. I need my shot.
That kid has books of mine?
Yes, and he let me read them all.
I loved them.
More flowers than at
a gangster's funeral.
Midland City seems to be gettin'
behind the arts in a great big way.
well, like Mr. Rosewater said-
teach us to dance and sing...
and laugh and cry.
Do I look like a dancer or,
or a singer or a man of joy?
would a man nourished by beauty
look like this? Open your eyes.
My eyes are opened.
And I see someone who
has dared to walk...
through the fires of
truth to the other side...
and come back to tell us about it.
If there is anything you
need- I mean, anything-
don't be afraid to call me.
Ting-a-ling.
Hmm.
Dwayne.
Dwayne.
My feet are so hot.
I may never get this stuff off.
Kilgore Trout!
Kilgore Trout, Trout, Trout, Trout-
All your questions will
be answered tonight.
Look for me downstairs
in the cocktail lounge!
Kilgore Trout.
Kilgore Trout.
And just flap it right up
to a blank white canvas.
Then I would put Day-Glo bars
around it, and call it caged shit.
That's what I would do. Oh, man.
Breakfast of champions.
You said that the last time
you brought me my martini.
I say it every time I
serve a martini, Mr. Hoover.
That's probably why God invented
these little small towns,
so people could keep saying the same
stupid jokes over and over again.
I just like to cheer people up.
That's all.
Okay.
No.
Mr. Hoover, would you
just do me a favor, please?
I just- I just would-
I would love the honor...
of you signing my wrist.
I want to show it to my father.
He's sick in the hospital, and
the bills are just pilin' up.
It would really impress him. It would.
Thanks a lot. Nothin' special.
Just your autograph would be great.
Yeah, they opened him up and
it just keeps gettin' worse.
Don't know what we're gonna do.
There it is. There's that smile.
Just love it. we just
- we just love you. we do.
And when you said "bird
ca-ca" on TV the other day-
- Ca-ca. -
"ca-ca-"
my dad laughed for the
first time in two years.
Thanks. we just
- we just trust you so much. we do. Thanks.
Oh, God.
Thank you.
Ca-ca.
Dwayne, Dwayne,
Dwayne, Dwayne, Dwayne-
- Celia?
- Talk to me.
Talk to me, please.
we're not happy, Dwayne. Share
something with me, Dwayne.
Bye, Blue Monday.
I trust you, Dwayne.
Are you sorry, Dwayne?
Perhaps before-
They were taking Mr. Le Sabre to the
Midland General Hospital, north wing.
The
- The psychiatric ward.
Hold on, please.
Dwayne Hoover, Exit 11- I- I
don't know where Mr. Hoover is.
I got dollar36.
Sold.
And remember, you can
trust wayne Hoobler.
Get out of that car!
Oh, it's a tilt steering wheel.
Ooh.
All right, Bunny, I got this place rigged
for lighting exactly like we talked about.
So, the table's set. All you gotta
do is go out there and eat the dinner.
- Can do, Bill. Can do.
- All right.
You wanna give me a hug?
You go get 'em.
You know, I discovered
this kid with the rabbit.
Good evening.
Hey, great to see you here
Have a scotch Have a beer
- It's Kilgore Trout!
- There he is! It's Kilgore Trout!
Hey!
- Mr. Kilgore Trout. I'm Fay.
- I'm Kay.
This is indeed a rare pleasure.
- Oh, my goodness, I just love artists.
- They're so artistic.
Hey, feel the jive Join in the fun
Midland City America's number one
Yeah
That's Kilgore Trout. Play that intro
you got worked out. I'll get the lights.
Now, you're not from
around here, are ya?
Yeah. I'm from Exit 11 Motor Village.
I'm wayne Hoobler.
wake up Get out of bed
There's plenty of good art just ahead
Be right back.
Now salute the man we can't do without
The wonderful, lovable
beautiful Kilgore Trout
Yeah
Finally, Kilgore Trout?
- Kilgore Trout?
- Yes.
- The message, please.
- what?
My message! You know what message I'm
talking about! Is this it? Is this for me?
It's mine. What are you
doing with it? It's mine.
- what are you doing?
- "Dear, sir.
Poor sir, brave sir.
You are an experiment of
the Creator of the Universe.
You are the only creature in the
entire universe who has free will. "
That's godlike with a little "g".
Take my hand
I'm a stranger in paradise
"You are the only one who has
to figure out what to do next.
And why. "
That's exactly right. How did you know
- How did you know this?
" Everybody else is a robot, a machine.
Some persons like you, while
others seem to hate you.
And you must wonder why.
They are simply liking
and hating machines.
All of this has made you
pooped and demoralized. "
You see, this is me. I
am pooped and demoralized.
If this isn't nice, what is?
Out of the common place
Into the rare
Somewhere in space
"You are surrounded by machines
whose only purpose is to stir you up...
in every conceivable way...
so that the Creator of the
Universe can watch your reactions. "
- wait, there's more. There's more.
- This is it.
"The Creator of the Universe
would now like to apologize,
not only for the capricious jostling
companionship he provided during the test,
but also for the trashy stinking
condition of the place itself. "
The robots have been programmed
for millions of years to abuse it...
so it would be a poisonous, festering
cheese by the time you got here.
He also programmed the robots to crave
sexual intercourse more than anything else...
- so it would be crowded when you got here.
- You bet you.
He had the robots kill each other by the
millions for this purpose only that you be amazed.
They have committed every possible
atrocity and every possible kindness...
just to get a reaction from you.
That's right. That's right.
It's workin', kid.
- Thank you.
- No, thank you.
- Thank you so much, my friend. You helped me so much.
- You're entirely welcome.
- Thank you.
- Good, good.
Ah, ha-ha!
Nice guy.
Won't you answer-
Out of my way, dancing machines!
Just what I'm looking for.
Oh, so good to see you!
Where are the bravery machines?
Got you. when you were
a little boy machine,
I loved the way your head
was shaped like a cantaloupe.
Now look at you.
- Daddy, why are you doing this?
- Because!
You see? They don't feel a
thing. They're unfeeling machines!
Is this because of my creation? Is
this the sum total of what I stand for?
Will you explain exactly
what it is about my writing...
that made you want to,
to hurt these people?
You said it yourself
- "I'm the only creature in the universe that has free will. "
- Don't you remember?
- My God, that's not the answer.
Listen you!
Dwayne Hoover's gone berserk!
- I don't like you anymore!
- I feel the same way myself.
The New York machine!
Get out of my way! Ha-ha!
They don't feel anything anyway.
who wants some of the car dealer, huh?
You're not supposed to know
the answer, for cryin' out loud.
why not?
If you knew the answer,
there'd be no more questions.
Dwayne? Dwayne.
Come on.
Escape. Come follow me.
Young man!
Come on out!
Young man!
Olly, olly, oxen free.
Ha-ha! You are there.
- Hey, Mr. Hoover.
- Good. Yes.
- what do you say there, pal of mine?
- You really are there.
Hey, hey!
where are ya? Ah-
You're
- You're too good for me.
Hey. what the-
what kind of machine are you?
Hey, I'm wayne Hoobler.
And Eli said we couldn't trust
anybody, but in God we trust!
I never, never trust anybody!
Dwayne?
what are you, a trusting machine?
Yes.
why, yes, I am.
Dwayne?
Yes, I am!
I'm wayne Hoobler, and I'm home!
Fairyland!
Ahh. Fairyland! Ha-ha!
where is that guy?
Mr. Hoover! Where have you been?
where are all the showroom cars?
Headquarters called and they're very
upset you missed that spot this afternoon.
- Mr. Hoov- Is everything all
right? - Browbeatin' machine!
Oh, here's the best fucking machine...
in all of Midland City.
Mr. Hoover, you are the most
hateful man I have ever met.
Sure!Just wind her up and
she'll say she loves you.
And she'll keep goin' until she
gets her own fried chicken franchise.
Yes, I said I loved you, but that
was when you stood for something-
when you were a man of
hope, truth and success.
But you've become a
betrayer, Mr. Hoover. A fake.
Fine!
Get the police! Go!
Call the police! There's
only one thing you can do.
- Tell me what it is.
- The only thing you can do is continue.
- Continue? - Continue. That's right.
You're a continuing machine.
Can't quit now. Gotta keep
going. That's why you were born.
- Yesterday was my birthday.
- Yeah, until you're dead, it's all life!
That's it!
What did you just say?
what did you just say?
Until you're dead, it's all life.
So make the most of it.
Life?
You're right.
It's all life.
Oh, my goodness! Are
- Are you all right?
So, it's you.
The Creator of the Universe.
Well, it delights me...
that I no longer have to suffer
your gift of life anymore.
The joke's on you, isn't it, big fella?
Huh? what are you gonna do
when you run out of playthings?
I'm so sorry. I didn't mean it.
Your kind never has to mean it.
Is there anything I can do for
you? Anything I can do to help?
Get me a Nobel prize or,
or a reputable publisher.
I'm sorry. I can't
really- I don't-
I don't think I can help
you with those things,
but if there's anything
else, please feel free.
Free? Like Tolstoy freed his
serfs, Jefferson freed his slaves?
Feel free? Feel free.
I will make the most of it.
Celia.
- Until you're dead, it's all life.
- Feel free.
Free?
Until you're dead, it's all life.
wait a minute, Bunny. I know
you think that was a bad show.
- I gotta be by myself for a little while.
- It wasn't a bad show.
- It was great. They loved it.
- I think my daddy loves me.
Of course he loves you, but he's a
nut job. wait. Let's talk about this.
wait, Bunny. I love you!
Celia?
- Dwayne?
- Celia?
- Dwayne?
- where-
- Dwayne?
- where are you?
- I'm here. Over here.
- I need help, Celia.
You need these.
Put on the boots, Dwayne.
Put on the boots.
You can do it.
I'm so sorry.
- I'm so sorry, Celia.
- You can do it.
- So sorry.
- Don't stop now. You can do it.
I understand.
Oh.
Bunny.
- Dad.
- Come here, son.
- All right, Mr. Hoover.
That's enough. - Hey, what the-
No! No!
- It's okay.
- Not unless you got a good lawyer, buddy.
I understand now.
Until you're dead, it's all life.
Until you're dead, it's all life, Celia.
That's it.
Good-bye, Blue Monday!
Bye, Blue Monday.
- It's okay. Everything's okay.
- Get in the car.
I
- I'm not mad.
I'm
- I'm okay.
All right, let's go. Let's move it!
- I love you.
- I love you too.
I love you.
Daddy.
Make me young.