Thank you, thank you.
Oh, if you overate too much tonight...
... I got a great song that the paisans
would understand. It's "Agita".
Uno, two!
# Agita, my gumba, in the banzone
# When I eat,
he gets a treat like a canzone
# He enjoys every meal,
every bite that I steal
# Agita, my gumba, in the banzone
# Some people like their pizza,
some people like suffrite
# And others like hot pepper
on everything they eat
# You hunger with a vuole
to taste that bacala
# Then all at once you think
"Will I answer to gumba?"
# My lovely, lovely woman,
I hate to see her cry
# But when I start to mangia,
I get the evil eye
# My vuole's gettin' stronger,
ah, to hell with my gumba
# Then I get it from my woman,
che de botts a na sciatta
# Agita, my gumba, in the banzone
# When I eat,
he gets a treat like a canzone
# He enjoys every meal,
every bite that I steal
# Agita, my gumba, in the banzone
We got to do Miami jokes.
If you're in Florida, you do Miami jokes.
Morty, I tried Miami jokes.
I don't know what works any more.
- Why? What happened?
- I got that big Miami joke that I do.
About the hotels being expensive
and how much it costs...
...like $150 a day for a sleeping room,
and I said to the clerk "What's cheaper?"
He said "I got a room for $10,
but you make your own bed."
So he gave me a hammer and some nails.
That's the joke.
- It's a good joke. It works.
- Been workin' for years. Last night it died.
Really?
That audience sat there
like they were an oil painting.
I don't know why.
Always works when I do it.
You do that joke?
Maybe that's where I got it from.
When I broke into
this business in New York...
...I could play at least 12 to 20 weeks
a year without leaving the city.
- There was the Latin Quarter...
- The China Doll.
- China Doll...
- Queen's Terrace.
- Played the Boulevard...
- What about Jersey? The Stagecoach...
- Lamplighters.
- Riviera, Bill Miller's.
Look how far you have to go. You went
to Washington. I went to Baltimore.
- You gotta have good tyres to work today.
- Or a good car.
The first impressin I did,
I went to see The Seventh Veil.
I didn't want to become an impressionist.
I was trying to develop an English accent.
The idea of impersonating James Mason
was the furthest thing from my mind.
Out came this impressin and
I've been doing impressions ever since.
- But this thing is all in the mask, right?
- And then I did Picasso for a few weeks.
You know the first time
I saw you do Mason?
It was backstage at the Sullivan show.
You were brilliant.
I was there with Danny Rose.
Remember Danny Rose?
He was handling an actor - the manager -
and a one-legged tap-dancer.
It was his normal handling.
Danny Rose. Yeah. Oh, he's the best.
May I say one word? Might I just interject
one concept at this juncture?
You're lookin' for somebody
for Memorial Day weekend.
My blind xylophone player, OK?
The man would be perfect for your room.
- Ah, forget it.
- Philly, will you please hear me out?
The man is a beautiful man.
He's a fantastic individual.
My hotel gets old Jewish people.
They're blind.
- They ain't gonna pay to see a blind guy.
- So forget that, then.
How about Herbie Jayson's birds?
Herbie Jayson's birds.
They're little birds. They peck tunes out
on a piano. It's a beautiful thing.
What about my one-legged tap-dancer?
Take him for a weekend.
- All right, my one-armed juggler.
- Not for my hotel!
All right, what about Lou Canova,
my Italian singer? He'd be great.
Lou Canova's a dumb, fat, temperamental
has-been with a drinking problem.
Jesus! What about Eddie Clark's penguin?
Eddie Clark and his penguin.
The penguin skates on the stage dressed
as a rabbi. It's hilarious. He's got a beard.
I'll tell you what, give me Sonny Chase.
He's the best act you got.
- He's fast, he's funny.
- I don't handle Sonny any more.
Since when?
It's a long story. I discovered the kid.
He slept on my sofa. I supported him.
I don't wanna bad-mouth the kid, but
he's a horrible, dishonest, immoral louse.
- And I say that with all due respect.
- I know, Danny.
- They get a little success and leave you.
- That's my point! Believe me, Philly...
...if I had all the acts in this business that
I started that made it, I'd be a rich man.
I'd like to help, but Weinstein's Majestic
Bungalow Colony is a classy place.
- I need a classy act.
- I wanna show you this lady.
She is the Jascha Heifetz
of this instrument. She is something.
You gotta see this, Philly. It's incredible.
Never took a lesson. This is self-taught.
Next year, Philly, my hand to God,
she's gonna be at Carnegie Hall.
But you, I'll let you have her now
at the old price, OK?
Which is anything you wanna give me,
anything at all.
- I remember that woman.
- You have never seen acts like this.
This guy would work his tail off
for these acts.
If he believed in an act,
he would go all out.
Danny, my partner wants me
to open up with the dachshund...
...but I think I should open up
with the swan or the giraffe.
The swan is pretty and it fascinates the
people. Or... have an animal of this type.
I think your partner's right. Open up with
the dachshund and build to the giraffe.
Close with the giraffe
cos it's got more impact.
Really?
If you take my advice, you'll be one of
the great balloon-folding acts of all time.
Cos I don't see you just folding
these balloons in joints.
You listen to me, you're gonna fold
these balloons at universities.
You're gonna make your snail
and your elephant on Broadway.
But the thing to remember is
before you go out on stage...
...you gotta look in the mirror
and you gotta say your three S's:
Star, smile, strong.
Star, smile, strong.
- Danny used to be a performer.
- He was a comic.
He worked the Catskills. He did all
the old jokes and stole from everybody.
He was the kind of comic
you'd think he'd be.
God bless you, darling. Let me ask you
a question, sweetheart. How old are you?
- 81.
- 81 years old. Isn't that fantastic?
No, really. She's 81.
It's fantastic. I mean that.
Unbelievable. You don't look
a day over 80. No, I mean it.
I'm just kiddin'. I love you.
You're really beautiful.
What sign are you, darling?
- What?
- She says "What?" She's great.
But I drove up here today. I love driving.
You run across so many interesting
people. I saw a terrible accident.
Two taxi cabs collided.
30 Scotchmen were killed.
He stopped doing his act because
he was working the Catskill Mountains.
Nobody in the audience
is under 80 years old.
He's on stage, doing his act,
two people get heart attacks.
So naturally
he became a personal manager.
You can't do a good act,
you become a personal manager.
But his acts were so devoted.
They loved him.
Where you gonna find
that kind of devotion today?
The funniest Danny Rose story is the time
he's handling a hypnotist. A hypnotist.
He's got the guy working
the Catskill Mountains.
The hypnotist brings up this
Jewish lady and hypnotises her.
Tessie! Tessie!
- The body is warm. It's a good sign.
- Yes, that's a good sign.
Tessie! Tessie!
I promise you, if your wife
never wakes up again...
...I will take you to
any restaurant of your choice, OK?
Do you like Chinese food?
All right, you finished? Excuse me.
Hold it, hold it. Are you finished?
Are you finished? Because I have
the greatest Danny Rose story.
Hold it now. Are you finished?
I have the greatest
Danny Rose story, all right?
You wanna do anything?
This is gonna take some time.
- Can I call home?
- Go ahead.
- Coffee.
- Are you ready?
We're gonna be here a while.
This is the greatest Danny Rose story.
- This is the one with Lou Canova.
- The tall guy, the singer? The Italian kid?
He was the kid that had
those semi-hit records?
He had a record, I think, called "Agita".
It was on the charts for about 15 minutes.
This is not during those 15 minutes.
This is 25 years later.
And Lou cannot get anybody
to handle him. The man's in trouble.
And the only one who
believes in him is Danny Rose.
And by now, you gotta remember,
Lou is a has-been...
...he's got a big ego, a temperament
and a slight drinking problem...
...and Danny has faith.
# I like the looks of you
# The lure of you
# The sweet of you
# The pure of you
# The eyes
# The nose
# The mouth of you
# The east, west, north
and the south of you
# I'd like to gain
# Complete control of you
# And handle
# Even the heart and soul of you
# So love at least
a small percent of me, do
# I do, I do, I do, I do
# Cos I love all of you
# I do, I do, I do, I do
# I do, yeah
A third show?
I thought there was only two.
There's three on weekdays
and there's four on weekends.
Four?! Tell 'em I'll walk! Four shows!
What do you mean? You can't.
Lou, we're not in a position yet to walk.
- And I use the word "yet".
- My hair's all screwed up.
Your hair is fine. Did you do the three S's?
Yeah. Strong, smile, star. I know.
Every time, you tell me every time.
You should do "My Funny Valentine"...
...after great crooners from the past
who are deceased.
- Hi, Lou. I wanted to meet you.
- But I'm discouraged. I'm down.
Please. God bless you, darling.
Why are you discouraged?
You're magnificent.
I can't pay my alimony.
I'll waive my commissions
till we get rolling, that's all.
- How you gonna live? You gotta eat.
- Don't worry about me so much.
I got other acts. I think about you
in the long run, that's what I'm saying.
You're the kinda guy that will always
make a beautiful dollar in this business.
You're what I call a perennial.
You get better-looking as you get older.
That's true. When I'm singin', I can feel
the women mentally undressing me.
It's true.
OK, so Danny is everything to Lou.
He picks his songs, his arrangements.
He picks his shirts, his clothes.
He eats with him. They're inseparable.
Danny is his manager, his friend,
his father-confessor.
I wanna go across the street
and get one white rose.
You wanna get a white rose?
Why do you want a white rose?
- I met this chick.
- Oh, Lou. Don't tell me about it...
...because you're gonna
get caught in a hotel room...
...you're gonna wind up
paying three alimonies.
- No, no, no. This is a classy chick.
- I can imagine.
- She's one of these decorators.
- With all due respect, you got a wife.
- This is different. I'm in love.
- Oh, great.
The usual single white rose
for Tina Vitale.
And just the words
"I love you, my bambina."
Come here a minute. Lou, come here.
Just step into my office for a minute.
The usual single white rose?
How long has this been going on?
- For a while. I can keep a secret.
- You're keeping a secret from me?
I knew you'd get miffed about it,
you'd get bugged because of my wife.
But, Danny, Tina, she's beautiful.
- She's like a Madonna.
- I believe you.
- She knows you're married?
- I levelled with her.
So what kinda woman is she?
I tried to introduce you to her for a
long time, but I knew you wouldn't have it.
I've always tried to teach you, Lou...
...that sooner or later you're gonna
have to square yourself with the big guy.
Is that true? You're gonna
pay your dues someday.
You're a married man. Take my aunt
Rose, not a beautiful woman at all.
She looked like something
you buy in a live-bait store.
She had wisdom. She used to say "You
can't ride two horses with one behind."
So you see what I'm sayin'?
That's my point.
OK, now a little time passes.
Danny's still struggling with the various
bird acts and the blind xylophone player.
Suddenly the nostalgia craze
is starting to build.
And Danny finds
he can book Lou a little easier.
# You may be king
# You may possess the worid
# And all of its gold
# Oh, but gold won't bring you happiness
# When you're growing old
# Oh, the worid, it's still the same...
He's working these nostalgia cruises
and the audience is eating it up.
Suddenly an over-the-hill boy singer
is starting to get some attention.
# They shine high above...
And I am very honoured to announce that
one of America's great singing legends...
... a cherished musical legend,
is making part of his comeback...
... on the Joe Franklin TV Show.
I hope my enthusiasm is generating,
cos I love this man.
I mean, if you can love a man,
I love Lou Canova. Lou.
- Thank you, Joe. You're very kind.
- I mean that. Are you sort of...
I've been on the show three, four times
and it just helps.
I mean, it helps everybody.
You're New York. What can I tell ya?
I always had the feeling that you were
never obsessed to be a superstar.
You were never driven to be a superstar.
You just let it drift
and take its own course.
When I had a record out in the '50s,
it made some noise and everything...
... and you start to get to feel as though
maybe you wanna be a bigger star.
It didn't really bother me. But now I'm
doin' cruise ships, I'm doin' bigger shows.
I feel great. It's a good time in life to do it.
OK. Now, two days later, Danny
runs into Milton Berle on Broadway.
Milton is doing an NBC special,
a nostalgia show.
Plus he needs a singing act
to open for him at Caesar's Palace.
Danny convinces him to come and
see Lou on a club date at the Waldorf.
And if Milton likes Lou,
he gets the TV shot and Caesar's.
I mean, I love Milton. He's a beautiful man.
- This is two years out of our guts.
- Don't be so nervous, Lou.
You gotta take him out Sunday and let
him relax. He's gonna be all wound up.
I'll open with "Volare"
or "You Make Me Feel So Young".
- How are you, darling?
- Good.
- How old are you?
- 12.
- Are you married?
- No.
Fantastic fettucine.
Do "My Funny Valentine" with
the special lyrics about the moon landing.
Maybe we oughta put on
a press agent for that week.
I've been gettin' your name
in the columns pretty good.
It's not like havin' a steady press agent.
You know, steady.
Take him to a movie
or he's gonna be a wreck by showtime.
Great idea for a TV show. Mr Televisin
looks at the stars of the '50s.
Beautiful!
That week Danny devotes
to Lou exclusively.
They go over the running order
of his act 15 times...
... what colour shirts to wear, his weight -
he wants Lou to lose some pounds.
I don't know who's more nervous,
Lou or Danny.
Meanwhile, his other clients are starting
to complain about their own problems.
I couldn't get your service. I had a crisis.
A cat ate one of my birds.
I cancelled the show
and Ralph doesn't wanna pay.
What do you mean, you don't wanna pay?
A cat ate his bird.
That comes under the act-of-God clause.
- He gets paid if he does his show only.
- It was a lead bird.
Remember Pee Wee,
used to peck "September Song"?
Pee Wee's gone? Pee...
Ralph, what are you doin'?
Pee Wee has now been eaten by a feline.
Pee Wee gave us many a laugh and tear.
Danny, I don't pay no birds
that don't work.
- Where were you when I needed you?
- Yeah, where were you?
I admit, it's my fault.
I've been remiss lately.
I've been very busy with another client.
After Sunday night you'll have me.
I'll be yours exclusively.
I know how you feel.
Pee Wee was the son he never had,
so it's, you know...
I promise, after Sunday night,
really, I'm with you.
One, two.
I want you to open with "You're Nobody
Till Somebody Loves You".
And then go into "My Bambina"...
...and after that do great crooners
from the past who are now deceased.
- And then "Agita" if you want.
- Would you do me a favour tomorrow?
- You name it, you got it.
- I want you to bring Tina.
- Who's Tina?
- I told you about Tina.
- I'm really crazy about her.
- I thought I talked you outta that.
It's no use. I'm like a little kid. I'm still
sendin' her a white rose every day.
Don't we have enough on our mind?
She's been lucky for me from the first day
I met her. Good things started happenin'.
Yeah, but Teresa's gonna be there.
You're gonna get in a lot of trouble.
That's why you gotta bring her.
You be the beard.
What? I don't wanna be a beard.
Come on. I'm tellin' ya,
I'll do a great job if she's there.
- Without her I'm gonna be lost.
- Since when? This is business.
Why are you makin' such a big deal?
Terry goes home,
then I'll take her off your hands.
When there's people around,
she's with you.
No, it's not nice.
You're gonna wind up in alimony jail.
- I can't function without her. I'm lost.
- Since when?
Why does she have such a hold on you?
I don't know what it is about this woman.
I love her.
- Maybe it's a whole mother thing.
- Your mother's alive. Let me take her.
She gives me confidence. I love her.
What do you want me to say?
I'm scared enough as it is.
Jesus, Lou, is this
more serious than I thought?
I haven't had a night's sleep trying to
figure out what to do with my life, OK?
So all of a sudden I gotta be the beard?
I want her there. I gotta know she's there
and I gotta know she loves me.
I can only say, as your friend and
your manager, you're a sick individual...
...but if that's what you want,
all right, we'll do it.
Tina? Danny Rose. Had no trouble
getting here at all. None at all.
Are you ready? Cos I'm double-parked.
Lou, you can drop dead!
That's what you been sayin' for months!
Yeah, well, I don't buy it and I'm
damn sick and tired of all your stories!
Don't tell me that, Lou. Bein' married's
one thing, but two-timing's somethin' else!
Well, that's just a bunch of garbage. I
don't buy it and you better watch yourself!
I don't care how important it is!
It's too damn bad if you're upset.
The way you treat me, you're lucky I don't
stick an ice pick in your goddamn chest!
Like hell I'll be there!
You know what you can do!
Goddamn phoney.
- Lou tells me you're an interior decorator.
- I don't wanna hear Lou's name.
I don't want a run-around.
I don't want any crap, goddamnit!
Darling, sweetheart, darling...
...might I interject one notion
at this juncture? How old are you?
- None of your goddamn business!
- I'm serious, darling. You're upset.
- What sign are you? Gemini?
- Shut up! Will you just shut up?
- May I make one statement?
-
My father - may he rest in peace -
would say maturity, tolerance...
...a willingness to give, that's all.
Look, it's a big night for Lou.
Don't ruin it for him.
- I don't wanna talk to that creep.
- What happened?
- Go to hell!
- May I make one statement?
- I don't mean to be didactic.
- What are you talkin' about?
The man's crazy about you.
He's nuts for you.
I got friends who told me he was out
last night with a cheap blonde.
A cheap blonde? Lou? A cheap blonde?
Would he fall for a cheap blonde?
- I... You know, the man has class.
- Yeah, I thought so too.
Yes, of course. Sweetheart,
I promise you, he's cheating with you.
He's got integrity. He cheats with one
person at a time only. That's his style.
My friends told me he was at the track last
night with his arm around a cheap blonde.
Because they bother him cos he's cute.
They try and grab, he pushes them away.
When he pushes them away,
his arm goes around.
Knock it off. You think I buy that?
His wife is a blonde. She's not cheap.
A lovely woman. Educated.
She's a cocktail waitress. And they don't
all hustle, no matter what you say.
- What the hell do you want?
- Don't upset him.
- I'm not coming. You got that? Drop dead!
- I wanna speak to him.
Hello? Lou? Lou, yes. Lou, it's me.
I got here OK, Lou. The directions
were good. It was a Gulf station.
Lou, she seems to be a little upset.
Tina! Tina! Hey, Tina!
- Will you get lost?
- Where you going?
I got other things on my mind
besides two-timers.
No, the man adores you.
The man is crazy about you.
- He wants you ringside.
- What the hell did you come so early for?
I come every place early.
- You're hours early.
- I know, cos tonight's a big night.
Milton is coming tonight.
Remember Milton, Tuesday nights?
He'd come out in a woman's dress.
Remember?
If I'm so important to him,
why does he two-time me?
You got it wrong. You got it wrong,
sweetheart. Women annoy him.
He sings and they mentally undress him.
I see an adventure.
Yes, a trip.
A man in a grey suit,
who owns a dog, will come to see you.
- That's Tommy.
- Tommy?
- When is he coming?
- Very soon. When you least expect it.
- What are you doing here?
- Shh!
- At least call Lou. Call Lou.
- No. Will you just get outta here?
The man is nervous.
I know he doesn't seem so, but...
- She wants to get ahead.
- Well, you know, I've been waiting.
- My nephew's ill.
- He's ill?
- Yeah, and he has a lump on his neck.
- A lump on his neck? That's terrible.
God bless you, sweetheart.
How old are you?
- 78.
- You're 78 years old? That's wonderful.
- What are your hobbies?
- Fish.
- Tropical fish?
- Tropical fish.
My uncle Menachem, may he rest in
peace, a wonderful man, raised hamsters.
I personally found 'em disgusting,
but the man adored them.
Like you probably feel about
your whatever, your guppies.
These are wonderful people, of your
persuasin. Lou is of your persuasin.
- Lou's a liar.
- He loves you like a mother.
- Excuse me. Come on in.
- That crap about his bad marriage.
The man loves her like a mother.
He adores her.
- I have a lover who I think is unfaithful.
- Angelina, might I interject one concept?
He is unfaithful. And yet he cares for you.
See? He cares for you.
God bless you, God bless you.
- Don't go to him.
- I won't.
- Time out.
- See friends.
Resolve all situations, even if it means
travelling long distances.
- But be careful.
- Where you going? Tina!
Lou, we're into a definite
type of situation here.
No. Definitely, Lou. Lou, definitely.
We're... Lou, we're into
a complete type of situation.
This is a complete
definite type of situation.
Why's she so mad at me? What did I do?
Won't she even speak to me?
- I need a drink.
- Lou, Lou, don't get the jitters.
You get nervous, your performance
goes right into the toilet.
You start drinking...
Lou, I'll get her there, I promise.
Just let me work out the logistics.
Tina! Tina!
Tina!
And now it's the big day
and things are starting to go wrong.
- Lou is boozing a bit.
- I remember him with the Cutty Sark.
- Now, she splits. She splits.
- The girlfriend?
And Danny follows.
She drives and she drives
way the hell out somewhere.
Danny's right on her heels,
but you know how Danny drives.
She winds up an hour later
God knows where.
She's taking Angelina
the fortune-teller's advice.
She's winding up some business
with old friends.
- Tina, we didn't think you were coming.
- Hi, guys. You look handsome!
Yeah, well, I had a change in plans.
Great. OK, the party can begin.
- Can we help you, sir?
- I'm with Tina. I'm a friend of Tina's.
God bless you. Stay where you are.
You're doing an aces job.
I'll check back with you on my way out.
- I'll leave something nice for you.
- All right.
- Who are you?
- I'm here with Tina.
- I'm her uncle. Rocco.
- Danny Rose.
- What do you do?
- Theatrical management.
- What are you lookin' for?
- Tina.
Relax. You gotta be
around her every second?
- What do you do, Rocco?
- Cement.
- Cement?
- I own a fleet of cement mixers.
No kidding? Isn't that
a very big organised cr...? Cement.
That's fantastic. You always need cement.
That's what's great about cement.
- It's not like tape recorders...
- Annie, this is Tina's new boyfriend.
Hello. How long you been
going out with my niece?
- No, we don't go out. We're just friends.
- Yeah. I know Tina.
- Vinnie! Danny's in show business.
- I'm just a friend.
- He's a manager.
- You know Jackie Whalen?
- Yeah, he's a comedian. He's very funny.
- I don't think he's funny. I think he's dirty.
Today everything is, with
the pornography, all the four-letter words.
- It's all filthy.
- I saw this guy in Atlantic City.
He had a cigar box.
And he cuts a hole in it.
Then he goes backstage, he opens up
his fly and he sticks his thing in it.
Then he goes outside, down to ringside to
some old lady's table, opens up the box.
- That's humour?
- They call me old-fashioned...
...but if it's old-fashioned to like Mr Danny
Kaye, Mr Bob Hope, Mr Milton Berle...
...then all right, then I'm old-fashioned.
- Tina, can't we discuss it?
- No, we discussed it a hundred times.
- Then why did you come here today?
- I don't know.
- I guess I shouldn't have.
- Tina, I love you.
- No. No, it's over.
- If I thought that, I'd kill myself.
- Johnny, don't talk like that.
- And you know I'd do it, too.
- You're too emotional.
- I wrote you a poem.
I shouldn't have come.
I'm too mixed up myself.
- It's about our month in Sicily.
- Can't you forget it?
We strolled on cliffs of stone
Like Greeks of ancient times.
Your hair blew this way and that
Mixed with bits of sand.
Our eyes met
And then looked out toward the sea
- The blue Aegean.
- Tina...
- We laughed and...
- What are you doin' here?
- I know what you're thinking. Pushy?
- I'm readin' a poem.
I'm sorry. I came to get you.
I wanna know what you're doing here.
- I want you to come with me.
- Who are you?
Danny Rose, theatrical management.
Might I get five minutes with the lady?
Listen, you know I'm dying to come to
the Waldorf. But I've been hurt, that's all.
So this is who's been sending you the
single white rose every day? Danny Rose.
How do you know about the white roses?
Believe me, I know more about you
than you think I know.
- Might I interject...?
- You know because you spy on me.
It's not spying when you care about
someone, what's happening to them.
Yeah, you check my mailbox in my
apartment when I'm not there. Admit it.
So you prefer him with his white roses
to me and all we were to each other?
I prefer someone that has
respect for me and doesn't spy!
Are you going with him?
Tina, can I get one...? Tina.
- What are you doing with money?
- Are you a big shot, tearing your money?
I been tearing money
since my first Holy Communion.
See this? 10 dollars. I don't care.
- Here. What does it mean?
- 20, 20.
20? 20, 40, 60 dollars.
What does it mean, you know?
It means nothin'.
Mere fascination, that's all it is.
Yeah, I wanna see Lou,
but he treats me lousy.
Well, Lou's crazy about you.
I'm telling you.
Tonight's a big shot for him, really.
Lou's not a kid.
He's trying to make a comeback.
When he sings "That's Amore",
that for me is the end.
Isn't it unbelievable what he does
with that song? Isn't that fantastic?
I'm gonna hit you with one word. I'm
gonna say just one word. Sorrento. OK?
Sorrento. Am I lying?
I like it when he takes the microphone off
the stand and starts to sort of throw it.
- That's my gesture. I gave him that.
- No. I saw him years ago.
- He took the microphone off.
- But he didn't throw it from hand to hand.
I gave him that touch. I used to do that.
So you taught him to throw
the microphone from hand to hand.
I taught him everything.
I gave him his gestures...
...I handle his budget,
I pick his clothes, his songs.
And you manage his love life.
My father - may he rest in peace - said
"In business, friendly but not familiar."
But what am I gonna do? This is personal
management. It's a key word. Personal.
So, you know, I gotta get involved.
Like Herbie Jayson, my bird act.
A cat ate the lead bird. So I gotta leap
right into the breach, you know.
Or my Puerto Rican ventriloquist.
He's got everything you need
to make it big, but he's a dope addict.
- So I gotta get in there and help.
- What can I say?
Now that I see you,
I'm the wrong guy to be the beard.
Who'd believe that
such a beautiful girl would date me?
- Come on.
- No, I'm telling the truth.
- My hand to God.
- I'm not beautiful.
I see a lot of singers and actresses.
You are.
- Well, you're not so terrible.
- Yeah. I know one thing, honey.
I'm never gonna be Cary Grant,
I don't care what anybody says.
Can I get a sip of that?
Can I tell you a secret? I'm not just
trying to make you feel good or anything.
Yeah.
A handsome man never did anything
for me. You know what turns me on?
Intellectual. I'm not just saying this
to make you feel good or anything.
You're a smooth talker. Angelina once
even predicted I would marry a Jew.
- Did she happen to say which Jew?
- A Jew or someone musical.
Listen, now we're talking about something
musical, could you go call Lou?
Cos the guy needs you. Give him a call.
Cos it's late. We'll get right outta here.
Please. Please, darling.
No, Lou. No, it's not that I hate you.
It's just that, you know,
you get me angry sometimes.
Yeah. I'm gonna... I was always
gonna be there. I'll be there.
Will you listen to me? I'm coming, OK?
It's just that sometimes you get me crazy.
Yeah. Yeah.
Oh, my God. Look!
It's him! She betrayed me with him.
Danny Rose!
Oh, my God! He drank iodine!
He seduced her away from me!
Were you seeing Tina
while she was going with Johnny?
Would I do something like that? No!
Then who sent the white roses,
one every day?
Johnny! Johnny, what happened?
What happened? Tell Mommy.
My son is sensitive. He's a poet.
un poeta, figlio mo.
He's fantastic. How old are you, Johnny?
- He's 40.
- He's 40. Unbelievable. Are you an Aries?
- Just tell me, are you an Aries?
- Johnny's been made a fool out of.
No! No!
They forced him to wear the horns!
Le corna, capite?
We were engaged
until he put a spell on her!
You know, this man's a beautiful man.
He is a fantastic individual.
Vendetta! Vendetta!
Lo giuro davanti all madonna,
Johnny, lo giura mamma tua.
Boy, that guy Johnny must have
really been crazy about you.
I like to flirt, you know.
Sometimes people take it too seriously.
Johnny's all right. He was really nice
to me when my marriage fell apart.
And what did your husband do?
A little bookmaking,
some loansharking, extortion, like that.
So he's a professional man. You divorced
him or you got a separation or what?
Some guy shot him in the eyes.
- Really? He's blind?
- Dead.
He's dead, of course,
cos the bullets go right through.
Oh, my God, you poor thing.
It must have been a shock.
- He had it coming.
- Oh, I see.
It was one of those. A close marriage.
It was exciting. You never knew
what was gonna happen next.
That kind of excitement I can live without.
He was tough, good-looking.
- What did he tell you he did?
- Juice man for the Mob.
- He made juice for the Mob?
- Juice man.
No. He collected for the loan sharks.
OK, so now Danny's driving along
with Tina. They're talking.
What they don't know is
after they left the party...
... there was this scene with Johnny
Rispoli's brothers, Joe and Vito...
... who are both hit men for the Mob.
Their mother is outraged and humiliated...
... over what's been goin' on with Danny
Rose, who they call Danny White Roses.
Don't worry, Mama.
You just leave him to us.
Your brother is soft. He's sensitive.
Her husband had no respect for us either.
Carmine Vitale, he was no damn good.
He cheated us. And she's no better.
She said one thing to my face
and she betrayed me.
It's the lover.
He's got her under his spell, Johnny.
- We'll fix him.
- We'll chop his legs off.
No. We'll kill him. I don't trust him.
But not Tina. Please, not Tina.
Get rid of the lover.
Get rid of the lover and you get her back.
He's got the evil eye.
C'ha il malocchio.
You understand, figlio mo? Il malocchio.
Mama, he's a dead man.
- I'll just have an iced coffee.
- I'm gonna have a glass of milk. Large.
I got an ulcer. I shouldn't have drank
at the party. That was my mistake.
My ex-husband had an ulcer.
They say it's stress.
It's an entire mental syndrome.
Yeah. Carmine was always afraid
they were gonna shoot him in the back.
He was wrong, so...
So who else have you
handled besides Lou?
Me? I got... I got...
I have various interesting artists.
I got a very wonderful
blind xylophone player, you know, that's...
I got a... I'm currently working with
a parrot that sings "I Gotta Be Me".
And I got some very nice balloon-folders,
you know. It's interesting.
No big shots, right?
I don't know. I've discovered certain
artists that have gone on to better things.
Yeah, but they all leave you, right?
How come?
I got a theory about that, you know.
Thank you.
I think what happens is they get
a swellhead, you know what I mean?
People like to forget their beginnings
and they just split.
You must be doin' somethin' wrong
if everybody leaves you.
How? What am I doing wrong?
I find 'em, I discover 'em,
I breathe life into 'em and then they go.
And no guilt. They don't feel guilty
or anything. They just split.
Guilty? What the hell is that? They see
somethin' better and they grab it.
- Who's got time for guilt?
- Guilt is important.
It's important to feel guilty, otherwise
you're capable of terrible things.
It's very important to be guilty. I'm guilty
all the time and I never did anything.
My rabbi, Rabbi Peristein, used to say
we're all guilty in the eyes of God.
- You believe in God?
- No. But I'm guilty over it.
I never feel guilty. I just think you gotta do
what you gotta do, you know.
Life's short. You don't get
any medals for bein' a boy scout.
Well, do me a favour, darling.
Don't give this information to Lou.
- I got enough problems.
- Don't move.
- What's the matter?
- Just get up slowly and get outta here.
- I don't understand? What's out there?
- Johnny's brothers.
- You mean the guy with the iodine?
- They're crazy, that whole family.
- Why? Because they think I'm your lover?
- They'll tear the tongue outta your head.
I'm just a beard.
They'll tear the tongue outta the beard?
Throw some money down. Let's go.
- What do you mean? I only got 10 bucks.
- Leave it.
- Just leave it. Come on, will ya?
- The check is a dollar and a half.
- An eight-and-a-half-dollar tip.
- There oughta be a delivery entrance.
For that kind of dough
I could get the waitress to sleep with me.
Where's the...? There it is!
Don't get up.
Keep turning out the junk food.
- Come on! This way.
- I don't like this.
Darling, darling, may I interject one
statement? I don't like what's going on.
- Oh, Christ! Better go down there.
- What the hell did you get me into?
Do what I'm telling you.
You'll wind up on a meat hook.
A meat hook? A meat hook?
OK. I'll go first.
- I'm angry. I'm telling you, I'm angry.
- Hurry up and get down.
I'm really fuming.
Just feel free to dig your heel
into my groin like that.
So Danny and Tina, they run.
What's he gonna do? Now he is
not only scared. The man is pissed off.
- Sure. Because he didn't do anything.
- You got it.
Wait, wait, wait. Cut to a half-hour later.
It's a half-hour later. Now they're lost.
They're lost. And he's furious.
He's getting on her nerves.
She's getting on his nerves.
- Jesus! Where the hell are we?
- All right, take it easy.
Don't tell me to take it easy,
because I've had enough already today.
I'm a personal manager.
I got a big night ahead of me.
Meanwhile I'm wandering
around here in North Vietnam.
- We got away, didn't we?
- I got nothing to get away from.
I didn't do anything.
I'm running all of a sudden with
fortune-tellers and meat hooks.
I'll take care of it when we hit a phone.
A phone? We're in a swamp, darling.
Where is there gonna be a phone here?
She's with Lou
and they wanna break my legs.
- I don't have to go tonight.
- Well, that's fine with me.
Then don't, because
I'm too scared already anyhow.
Lou, I wish you wouldn't drink like that.
You've got an important show tonight.
I got a cold sore tonight.
Look at this thing over here.
- It's nothing.
- It's gotta be tonight. Believe you me.
And those TV people,
they notice everything. They're pros.
- They got it down to a science.
- Turn on the ball game.
I can't even decide whether to go with
"Boulevard of Broken Dreams"...
...or "Three Coins in the Fountain"
as an encore.
The kids are driving me nuts over here.
Give me a break over here.
I wonder where Danny is. I'm waiting
for his call. I got a million questions.
- Where is Danny?
- Went to pick up his date in Jersey.
I guess they probably got tied up in traffic.
- Who's his date?
- How do I know? Some broad.
- Jesus. We're in the middle of nowhere.
- I never saw so many reeds in my life.
- I feel like Moses.
- Lou's probably worried sick.
Lou is probably drinking out of the
promotional-size whisky bottle by now.
Hey, wait a minute. I know where we are.
These are the flatlands.
My husband's friends
used to dump bodies here.
Great. I'm sure you can show me
all the points of cultural interest.
Hey, who are you?
Who are you?
- Who are you?
- We're lost.
We're shooting a commercial
down by the river.
Fantastic! Unbelievable!
What a break! I'm Danny Rose,
theatrical management. God bless you.
- This is Tina...
- Vitale.
Hi. I'm Ray Webb, the actor.
How you doin', babe?
Listen, we gotta get a car. Is it possible?
- There are no cars out here till tonight.
- We need one now. It's an emergency.
I'm a theatrical manager, so I gotta see
Berle at the Waldorf later. Milton Berle.
There's a guy there with a boat. Give him
a couple of bucks. He'll take you across.
- Great, great.
- I don't travel by water.
It's against my religion.
I'm a landlocked Hebrew.
You ever seen me on TV? I play
the shaving-cream man from outer space.
- Wanna feel my cheeks, huh?
- Funny.
Come on, Danny. We gotta take this boat.
Lou's waitin'. Come on.
Five minutes across the Hudson.
It's nothin'.
You want me to go on the Hudson River?
That's crazy!
How did you two get out here
without a car?
I've been through thick and thin
with that car.
- Now I gotta leave it overnight?
- Pick it up tomorrow. It'll be fine.
If anything happens to that car,
I'll be furious, Tina. I will be furious.
OK. Now they're gonna go back
to Manhattan by boat.
A boat, mind you.
Can you picture Danny Rose on a boat?
I mean, this guy is strictly pavement.
He needs the smell of carbon monoxide
and litter to feel good.
Danny is not meant for water.
So, naturally, the minute
he steps on the boat, he's gone.
A lunch he ate in 1956
is beginning to come up on him.
He's green. He's dizzy.
Tina's fine. She's made of steel.
I'll tell you what's going through her mind.
She's thinking of a conversation
that she and Lou had a week before.
- Hey, hey! All right!
- Listen, Lou...
...I don't want you to break up
with your wife because of me. I don't...
Tina, it's not you.
This has been on my mind.
I'd feel like a home-wrecker.
That's what I feel like.
I gotta change my whole lifestyle.
The thing you gotta change
is your management.
Listen, Danny's all right. So he's
no worid-beater. I mean, he's all right.
I know nothin' about show business.
And I got nothin' against the guy...
...but I see the joints you work
and the way things are going.
You're better than all these new guys.
- You're prejudiced cos you like me.
- Yeah, sure I am.
Listen, Danny'd be lost without me.
He's countin' on me.
You know what you're doin'.
Why don't you let me
introduce you to Sid Bacharach?
How do you know him?
Why would he give me his time?
He was good friends with my husband.
They were both very tight in Atlantic City.
- Sid Bacharach, huh?
- He's a big guy, right?
Big gun, big gun. No two ways about it.
OK. Now they're in the middle
of the Hudson River.
The fog has come in. Danny's face is -
what colour should I say?
It's khaki. The man has a khaki face.
So Tina wanted Lou to leave Danny
and go with Sid Bacharach?
That's exactly what I'm saying.
See, three days earlier...
... Tina had set up a secret lunch meeting
at some steak joint in Manhattan.
Well, guys, we finally made it.
Lou Canova, Sid Bacharach.
- Sid, this is Lou.
- A pleasure, Mr Bacharach. Truly.
I've only heard wonderful things
about you from Tina.
- She does that all the time.
- No. You remember Lou from the '50s.
- He's got it.
- I remember "Tossin' and Turnin"'.
That thing on "Perfidia" too.
Now I understand
you already have representation.
He's loyal to a guy who means well
but he can't seem to move him.
I know all about those things...
...and sometimes it just doesn't work out
and he can't help you.
It's my career. It's my life.
I gotta do what's right for it.
I really wanna catch your act. I know this
nostalgia thing is really coming on strong.
- He's hot now.
- I'm gonna be at the Waldorf on the 25th.
25th. Be great if you could come, Sid.
He's ready.
All he needs is somebody
with a little clout to open some doors.
I'll do my best to make it on Sunday night.
Don't worry about it.
I'll get you in the back.
- You won't regret it.
- No problem.
OK. So Tina's thinking about all this stuff
while they're sailing across the Hudson.
Meanwhile, the two crazy brothers
are in New York looking to kill Danny.
Wasn't Tina gonna make a phone call
and have 'em called off?
She did, the minute they got ashore,
but it didn't work.
- So what's happening?
- You're gonna have to lay low for a while.
- What do you mean?
- You got any friends outta town?
- Outta town? Like where? Are you nuts?
- You better check into a hotel.
You were gonna settle this
with one phone call.
It's gonna take a few days.
Meanwhile, they're looking for you.
Darling, can I say one thing?
I'm going to the police.
No, that's a mistake. You gotta lay low.
Lay low? I didn't do anything! My whole
life I never got involved in any trouble.
I eat the right foods. Now I gotta lay low?
Jesus! You said one phone call.
I know. It's gonna be taken care of.
I got someone onto it.
- My advice is to check into a hotel.
- I got an apartment.
- Why do I need a hotel?
- You can't go back there for a few days.
I'm gonna spend for a hotel
while I'm carrying an apartment?
All right, it's a mix-up.
Just don't go home, that's all.
I gotta go home.
You know, you're bad news, honey.
I knew that when you were
starting with the ice pick on Lou.
Nice giris don't screw around
with ice picks.
- Just don't go home.
- I gotta go home.
I gotta get my pills and my shorts. And
Lou, the poor guy, he's probably a wreck.
I'm not drunk. I'm not drunk.
I mean, I'm OK.
I'm gonna be all right.
Now where you been?
I'm goin' crazy. Where's Tina?
Lou, Lou, take some black coffee
and get over to the Waldorf. She's here.
You speak to him, cos he's lost.
He's gone already.
Lou, I'll be there, honey.
Just do what Danny says.
- Be nice to him.
- We'll meet you at the place.
Of course I miss you.
But will you lay off the sauce? All right.
He's drunk.
I knew this was gonna happen.
Where are my pills? I need
a Valium the size of a hockey puck.
- Who's this? Who is this here?
- What do you mean? That's Frank.
Frank, Tony Bennett and me.
This was a big night.
See me up there? A little tiny smudge
that's like a fingerprint. That's my head.
There I am with Miss Judy Garland.
Never a dearer woman existed.
- Where are you?
- Well, I'm right outside of frame.
Cos if the picture went on another inch,
I would be... I was back behind the dais.
And here's Mr Myron Cohen and...
Jesus, where is my bottle of pills?
- How long have you had this joint?
- Joint? This is rent-controlled.
You oughta fix it up.
You're living like a loser.
Nobody ever comes over,
so what do I care?
Nobody comes over?
You ever been married?
No. I was engaged once
to a dancer, you know...
...but she ran away with a piano player
and I broke off with her.
- You know what I'd do with this room?
- What?
Liven it up. Do it all in somethin' up,
you know. Pink, maybe?
- Pink?
- Yeah. You know, you gotta lighten it up.
Pink with maybe some gold wallpaper.
And you need fabric, you know.
Like big purple pillows or somethin'.
Maybe some incense.
What is this?
A Turkish whorehouse? I live here.
I'm serious. You gotta lighten it up.
Maybe some bamboo furniture. Bamboo.
I always wanted to do a room
in bamboo with, like, zebra skins.
- Really? Are you serious?
- Why not? It's exciting.
What you're talking about
is like a tropical motif, right?
- It's funny, cos actually I like bamboo.
- Really?
Picture, like, hanging plants maybe,
and a really nice tile floor.
Bamboo furniture.
It's very beautiful and very dramatic.
- You got an eye for drama.
- You really think so?
You sound surprised.
Nobody ever liked
my African-jungle idea before.
I always had this as a dream.
You're the first person ever liked it.
I'm willing to bet that you're full
of good ideas, but you lack confidence.
- You don't have any confidence.
- It's my big problem as a decorator.
Sure, it's like the acts I handle.
I could straighten you out in no time at all.
Cos I don't see you just decorating little
joints and little apartments in the suburbs.
I see you doing your gold walls
and your Turkish pillows...
...and all that garbage in hotels
and embassies and stuff.
- Really?
- Yeah, naturally.
- You could. I can smell it.
- I don't think so.
The boat's sailed for me. I should have
been more serious when I was younger.
Younger? You got
your whole life ahead of you.
The trouble is I look at my work
and I think it's ugly.
Well, my uncle Morris,
the famous diabetic from Brooklyn...
...used to say "If you hate yourself,
then you hate your work."
I sleep at night.
It's you that's got the ulcer.
I got an ulcer, but it may be a good thing.
You know what my philosophy of life is?
That it's important to have some laughs,
but you gotta suffer a little too...
...because otherwise
you miss the whole point to life.
- Know what my philosophy of life is?
- I can imagine.
It's over quick, so have a good time.
You see want you want, go for it.
Don't pay attention to anyone else. Do it to
the other guy first, or he'll do it to you.
This is a philosophy of life? It sounds like
the screenplay to "Murder Incorporated".
Hold this. That's ridiculous.
No wonder you don't like yourself.
Stop saying that. I like myself fine.
Down deep, I sense that you don't.
- You're the one that's livin' like a loser.
- Why? Cos I haven't made it?
That's the beauty of this business.
Overnight you can go
from a bum to a hero.
- I think it's gonna happen now with Lou.
- We better get going.
Just let me say one thing. My uncle
Sidney - lovely uncle, dead, completely -
used to say three things:
Acceptance, forgiveness and love.
That is a philosophy of life: Acceptance,
forgiveness and love. There's where it is.
So tell me more about the bamboo room.
I'm gonna stay one night. One night.
Cos I don't wanna incur expense.
I'm gonna make a phone call.
I got another idea.
- How much is a single room?
- Sorry. All filled up.
Tina?
Tina?
Tina, darling?
Hello, Danny.
Get in the car!
Get in the car!
Fellas... Fellas, can I... May I just interject
one thing at this particular point in time?
- Keep goin' straight.
- Look, I like Johnny. I like your brother.
I got nothing against him.
I just met him today. I liked his poem.
What's under discussin here is
the girl's feelings. Where is the girl?
We're gonna take
real good care of you, pal.
I wanna say one thing, and I don't mean
to be didactic or facetious in any manner.
She doesn't love him.
She doesn't love him any more.
I know it's hard to take. Because
we all want what we can't have in life.
It's a natural thing, but take
my cousin Ceil. Not pretty like Tina at all.
She looks like something
in a reptile house in a zoo.
- She meets this accountant...
- Will you shut up?!
Wait, wait, wait. No.
You misunderstand me.
- Goddamn you!
- I'm trying to make a point.
Fellas, fellas, I'm a veteran. I'm a veteran.
- Get the axe.
- There's an axe?
Fellas, I'm the beard.
I'm just a beard. You don't understand.
He's telling the truth.
He has nothing to do with this.
You don't believe me, right?
- We're gonna chop your legs off.
- Fellas, I'm only the beard.
Would I waste my time
with a guy like this?
Then who? You want him to walk
outta here, you have to give us a name.
- I'm not talking.
- No, you tell us, you punk.
You don't want me
to rat on a friend, do you?
Let me quote Rabbi Hirschhorn,
an extremely learned man...
...perhaps not of your persuasin.
- Who you bearding for?
- I'm not the guy. Isn't that enough?
- You two are dead men.
Oh, yeah? Who you bearding for,
you little cheese eater?
Cheese... I don't know exactly
what it means, but I know it's not good.
Who are you bearding for?
I'll put a bullet right between her eyes!
- Don't do that! I'll talk!
- Danny, don't! They'll kill him!
I don't wanna get my legs chopped off
cos I do a guy a favour.
- Who is it?
- All right, you wanna know who it is?
Should I tell you who it is?
Should I say? It's... Barney Dunn.
Who's Barney Dunn?
- Who is it?!
- Danny, you rat!
- Shut up!
- I don't owe you anything over this.
Fellas, I swear on my life,
it's Barney Dunn.
And, Barney, may God forgive me.
- Who?
- Barney Dunn. You know Barney Dunn.
Barney Dunn.
I can't hear ya.
Barney Dunn was the worid's
worst ventriloquist.
If they couldn't get an animal act,
they would call Barney Dunn.
Barney would work children's parties.
Five-year-old kids would boo him.
Two weeks ago Danny,
who doesn't handle Barney...
... that'll tell you about Barney,
Danny didn't wanna handle him...
... Danny meets Barney on the street.
- How you doin', Barney? How's it goin'?
- I'm leaving on a c-cruise tomorrow.
- You're kidding? Where for?
- I'm working a s-s-ship to the B-Bahamas.
- Fantastic. And then back here?
- No. And here's the b-b-beauty part.
From the B-Bahamas
to P-Puerto Rico for th-three weeks.
Fantastic.
- So Danny names Barney Dunn.
- Can't they check that?
They do check it. They tie up
Danny and Tina and they go to check it.
What am I doing here?
How did I get into this? Why me?
What did I do to deserve this
that I'm here now?
You were really quick
to come up with that name so fast.
Great. That's wonderful. Let me tell you
something, darling. I was traumatised.
My body went into shock
when they stuck that gun in you.
I thought they're gonna kill us,
I'm gonna be dead...
...and Milton is coming
to the Waldorf soon.
Listen, they're gonna be back
in a minute. We gotta do something.
I can't move a finger.
I'm tied up here like a pig.
- If we could get outta these ropes.
- I can't.
They just left one guy out there.
There's two of us.
But let me remind you, he's got an axe.
The man has an axe.
- There'll be four of us in no time.
- Maybe we could sneak away.
You know what I'm thinking, though.
I used to handle...
I used to handle
an escape artist named Shandar...
...who could get outta ropes, but... the
problem is you gotta be standing up to...
And even then I'm not sure we could do it.
Let me ask you something.
Do you think it's possible
we could work our way off this table?
I can hardly move.
Try with me. I'm serious.
- Try a little bit. Come on, give it a try.
- You're so heavy.
Just try. Just do what I'm telling you.
Come on. It'll happen. Move. Move!
- OK? You all right?
- Yeah.
Try and pull. That's it.
See? It's not so tough.
Very good. That's it.
Try and slide down. That's it.
That's it. Very good. Slowly.
That's it. Slowly. That's it. Come on.
Now pull. Come on. Hard.
That's it. That's it.
A little more. I think we got it. Attagirl.
That's right. OK.
- You got it?
- Yeah.
Very good. Now, we're...
Here's what...
When Shandar was like this...
...what he would do is he would wriggle.
- Wriggle?
- Yeah, and what happens...
...is the ropes gradually start to get
some play in them, they start to get loose.
- Take my word for it. He would wriggle.
- You sure?
So, you ready? Ready?
All right, now start to wriggle.
That's right. Wriggle. See what I mean?
That's it. That's a girl.
Wriggle. That's it. That's it.
- I'm wriggling.
- Keep wriggling.
- Are you wriggling?
- Uh-huh. I'm wriggling.
- That's good wriggling.
- I don't wanna over-wriggle.
It's nice wriggling. That's it.
The ropes are starting to get loose.
Come on, it's happening.
My hand's getting free.
Keep wriggling. Don't stop now.
- I got it, I got it.
- Yeah?
- I got it, I got it.
- Yes?
- Great!
- Come on. Get this thing off.
Come on, keep wriggling.
Keep wriggling, darling. Don't...
I told you, that's what Shandar did.
He would wriggle and get the whole thing
to happen. I saw it a million times.
Hey, hey! Hold it!
- Let's go. Jesus, where the hell are we?
- God.
What is this? This looks like
some kind of a factory.
- It looks like a warehouse.
- Yeah. You hear him?
I think he's right behind us.
Let's get outta here.
- Jeez, it's so dark.
- Don't panic.
- Looks like a lot of parade floats.
- Perfect.
There's a guy with a pistol running after
us, we're stuck in the Macy's Day Parade.
- Can you see anyone?
- What's going on? Where the hell are we?
Jesus!
Don't move
or I'll blow your brains out!
- Don't shoot! I'm just a beard.
- You're making a mistake.
Don't tell me
you're the beard, you goddamn little rat.
Run, Tina, run! He's outta
bullets! It's our chance! It's our chance!
All right, I'm coming!
You little rat! You're never
gonna get outta here! I'll find you.
I don't believe this! He's drunk! I got a
show in a half-hour. I got a packed house.
Don't panic. Don't panic. I'll deal with him.
Relax, will ya? I can talk to him. Lou...
- Is Milton here yet?
- Yes. He came with Howard Cosell.
Relax, everybody. You're gonna be OK.
This is Lou's wife, Teresa.
That's Tina... Musante.
- Vitale.
- Danny, he's gotta go on in 20 minutes.
I got a full house out there.
Something's gotta happen.
Lou, say the three S's. Lou,
please, you gotta pull yourself together.
Listen to me.
You're gonna do a great show.
- He gonna be OK?
- Danny'll get him sober.
Come on, Lou. I need two aspirin, some
tomato juice, some Worcestershire sauce.
And some goat cheese
and some chicken fat.
- That'll do it?
- The Danny Rose formula.
- I still can't figure out how it works.
- I promise you're gonna be OK tonight.
# One day you will hold
# My cara mia
# A child of your own
# And I pray
# Bambina, remember the stories
# Your mama, my mama, would say
# Keep Italian in your heart
# Let it always be a part
# Of you
# Never let it fade away
# Be a part of every day
# Let it stay in your heart for ever
# Put Italian in your heart
# Let it always be a part
# Of you
# Never let it fade away
# Be a part of every day
# Let it stay in your heart for ever
# My bambina
# My cara mia
# My bambina
Thank you, thank you, thank you.
Love you.
This is what you get
when you eat too much.
Uno, two!
# Agita, my gumba, in the banzone
# When I eat,
he gets a treat like a canzone
# He enjoys every meal,
every bite that I steal
# Agita, my gumba, in the banzone
# Some people like their pizza,
some people like suffrite
# And others like hot pepper
on everything they eat
# You hunger with a vuole
to taste some bacala
# Then all at once you think
"Will I answer to gumba?"
# My lovely, lovely woman,
I hate to see her cry
# But when I start to mangia,
I get the evil eye
# My vuole's gettin' stronger,
ah, to hell with my gumba
Lou, you were wonderfully superb.
"Chicago" is my favourite.
- I know my fans.
- You were terrific.
- You were worried.
- I wasn't worried. You were fabulous.
- Thank you for coming.
- Great show.
George, you don't miss an act, huh?
How you doin', hon?
You holdin' up all right?
Bill and Diane are gonna give me a lift
home. I have to take care of the sitter.
I'd appreciate it because I gotta do
some serious things with Danny.
- I'll be home in about two, three hours.
- Danny, make sure he gets home early.
- Lou.
- Eddie! All right!
Lou, when I tell you what this
woman and I have been through today...
When you find out what you put me
through today... Unbelievable!
I gotta speak to you now
while I'm still high.
He'll fall down when I tell him.
Lou, I can't sleep home tonight.
I gotta get this off my chest.
Tina's here because she's part of it.
What?
Come next week,
I feel some changes gotta be made.
- Yeah? Like what?
- Tina and I, we're crazy about each other.
And I feel I gotta say
something to Terry about it.
If that's what you decide on, that's what
you do. If you gotta do it, you gotta do it.
- I just hope you know what you're doing.
- We're sure about a lot of things.
I feel for myself that
I gotta make a few changes.
- What kind of changes?
- Like management.
What do you mean, management?
What do you mean, management?
Tina's really close to Sid Bacharach.
You had to notice him there tonight.
He was there to see me.
I don't understand.
You wanna change management?
Don't think it's not hard for me to say,
but I gotta do what's right for my career.
What do you mean? Am I hear...?
I can't believe you're saying this.
Danny, Sid can really move me.
I mean, we've got this special rapport.
How do you know Sid? Have you
been pushing him to... to leave me?
Hey, leave me outta this. All I know is
he's a big talent and he's playin' joints.
Joints? He was lucky he could get j...
When I met him, he was still
singing "Funicul Funicul".
- Look, Danny, facts are facts.
- What are you talking about?
- This kid owes me his life.
- Leave her outta it. What's done is done.
I don't understand you, Lou.
We've been through so much.
You make everything
into a personal situation.
Of course I make it personal.
That's our relationship.
You can't put into a contract
what I do with you.
Can I give you...?
My uncle Meyer, the man sold apples...
- Say somethin'. You know I'm not verbal.
- This is between you.
You gotta do what you gotta do
and Danny's gotta understand it.
Danny, if anything comes outta this,
you know you're gonna be in for a taste.
Danny. Where you goin', Danny?
Danny. Danny.
Hey, how you doin', Danny?
You hear about Barney Dunn?
Couple of guys done a pretty good job
on him. They beat him up pretty badly.
- I thought he was on a cruise.
- Nah, nah, that was cancelled.
He's in the hospital now.
It was pretty rough for a while.
It was touch and go. But it's all right now.
The cops got 'em. They got
the guys that done the job on him.
- Which hospital?
- Roosevelt.
How you doin', Barney?
Danny. Wh-wh-what are you doing here?
Well, I heard that you got beat up, so...
I s-s-still don't know what happened.
I want you to know if there's
anything I can do, anything at all.
Hospital bills, anything at all,
I'll take care of it.
You wanna pay my hospital bills?
Danny, are you sure you're OK?
Really, Barney, anything at all.
Whatever you need.
I thought this was a funny story.
It's terrible.
What do you want me to do?
It's not my life.
So Lou leaves his wife and kids
and he moves in with Tina.
Sid Bacharach's handling him.
He's doin' all right.
# The worid and all of its gold
# Oh, gold won't bring you happiness
# When you're growing old
# Oh, the worid, it's still the same
You OK? You seem a little down.
No. I have a headache.
What are you giving me?
I ordered a Courvoisier.
- Didn't you order a Jack Daniels?
- I ordered a Courvoisier.
- You did say Courvoisier.
- Let's not make a federal case out of it.
- Honey, what are you doin' up?
- I can't sleep.
- It's four o'clock in the morning.
- Yeah, I know. I had a bad dream.
Is this like a thing or somethin'?
This is goin' on every other night.
- Why don't you take a pill or somethin'?
- I don't like pills.
When I can't sleep, I take one of
those Seconals. I go out like a baby.
- I'm OK. I'm fine.
- Listen, I got a great new idea.
In Atlantic City, I'll open up with "You're
Nobody Till Somebody Loves You".
Then I'll go into "When You're Smiling".
- Give me a break. It's four in the morning.
- You're not listening to me.
This is important stuff.
Angelina, I can't sleep. I... I feel jumpy.
I don't know. I'm not myself.
I see bad dreams.
Deep dreams. Bad conscience.
Yeah. A little while ago I met some man.
I hardly spent any time with him.
One day we had an adventure.
Yes. He makes you feel uneasy.
I did him some... some little wrong.
Just some small business matter.
I didn't even know him very well.
When I had the chance to say something,
I... I didn't speak up.
I have a visin of you...
...standing before a large mirror.
I... I had that dream last week.
That was it, exactly my dream.
What is it you're seeking there?
I wanna rest easy again.
I wanna find myself.
I wanna wipe out my thoughts
and forget this guy.
I can't see clearly. It's unclear.
It's all unclear.
Non ci vedo bene. Non chiaro.
What's the matter with you lately?
You're so edgy.
I don't wanna go to California, OK?
It gives me the creeps out there.
- It's important you go to California.
- Well, then you go.
What is it with you?
Lately everything's goin' so nicely.
My comeback's in full swing now.
But you weren't happy in Vegas.
You weren't happy in Atlantic City.
I thought you'd be happy.
I'm moody. You knew
I was moody when you met me.
I had it with the moods.
I gotta go to California, that's it.
Honey, what's the matter?
I don't know.
Lou moves to LA.
Tina doesn't. It's all over between 'em.
Guess who calls her for a date.
- I have no idea.
- Remember the shaving-cream man?
The guy she met with Danny in the reeds?
That's right. They start going out.
But she's just as moody with him.
They fight, they argue. Then
one morning - Thanksgiving morning -
the two of them are on Central Park West.
There's the parade.
- Now what's wrong?
- I don't know.
Jesus, Tina, what's wrong with you?
Look, maybe we should have a little
heart-to-heart. Everything makes you cry.
Maybe you should see a doctor.
I don't know what to do with you. Baby!
What are you trying to pull here?
- I gotta see Angelina right away.
- I'm sorry. Angelina's not here.
What time's she coming back?
I need her advice.
She's with her grandchildren.
She won't be here until Monday.
- This is important.
- I can't help it if it's important.
She won't be here until Monday.
Please come Monday.
OK, I got the frozen turkeys!
- Thank you, Danny.
- Give me a little hand. God love you.
- Here's your frozen turkey.
- Thank you.
B- B-Believe me, the frozen
is just as g-good as the r-real.
- Got it?
- Uh-huh.
The frozens are much cheaper
than the real ones.
- Can I help?
- No, sit there. You'll fall over.
Just dig in, dig in. Don't hesitate.
- This is really great.
- Would you like a drink?
I'd love it.
There's some Tab and some club soda.
Give her some Coke.
Excuse me one second.
Hello? Yeah, sure. We're... That's right.
It's the twins. It's the twins. They're...
Sure, darling. Sure.
And the new noses are good? Yes. Sure.
I... I came to apologise.
You gonna ask me in?
Let me call you back. Yeah.
I'll get back to you.
Let me call you. I'll call you back.
Hope I'm not intruding.
- I realise you hate me.
- Bring her in. The food's gettin' cold.
D- D-Danny, who's your fr-fr-fr... guest?
Oh, it's nobody. It's nothing.
Was it your uncle Sidney who said
"acceptance, forgiveness and love"?
Look, I've had a bad year.
If things don't pick up for me,
I'm gonna be selling storm windows soon.
I'd like to be friends.
I don't think that would be
such a great idea.
This is the best Thanksgiving party
we've had so far!
Here's your napkin, honey.
This is absolutely
the best Thanksgiving party.
- Danny, this is marvellous.
- Danny, who's your fr-fr-fr... guest?
- The cranberry sauce is dry.
- You're eating the mashed potatoes.
Hey, what a spread!
Gloria, wait a second.
Hey, Danny, thanks a lot for the invite.
Thanksgiving sure rolls around fast.
- Well, that's my Danny Rose story.
- Unbelievable.
The man is a living legend.
Do you know that only six months ago...
... they gave him the greatest honour
you can get in the Broadway area?
Look at the menu. At this delicatessen
they named a sandwich after him.
The Danny Rose Special.
Probably a cream cheese
on a bagel with marinara sauce.
He deserves it.
Did you ever go to one of
his Thanksgiving parties?
One party.
Where they have the frozen turkey.
- Economical, but a lot of laughs.
- Cranberry sauce made like a rocket.
- You had to de-thaw the corn.
- It was incredible.
Listen, excuse me. Before we go
any further, may I ask you a favour?
Can we go home now? I'm tired.
We're having laughs.
I haven't seen you in 110 years.
I'm going to Atlantic City tomorrow.
- I'll get the check. I'll take care of it.
- Really?
National holiday. Corbett has the check.
For these kind of laughs,
I figure it's worth it.
Well, we'll do it again tomorrow.