Ladies and gentlemen...
boys and girls...
we welcome you this evening...
to the greatest, the most authentic...
Wild West Show in America!
So hang on...
to your hats and boots...
or your loved one's hand.
Let us take you back to a time...
when the cowboys and Indians
roamed our great land!
And now, for our first act this evening...
Chief Big Eagle...
the great-great grandson of
the great Apache Indian chief, Geronimo...
will perform his legendary
Rattlesnake Dance...
that no white man has ever seen before!
And that's for sure!
Chief Big Eagle!
I'm awful scared, Bronco Billy.
Everybody's a little nervous
their first night in show business.
You just do what we rehearsed
and everything will be fine.
Yeah, but I'm awful scared, Bronco Billy.
Take a swig of this,
it'll make you feel great.
The Chief got bit again by the rattlesnake.
Damn!
Running Water took him to their truck
and gave him a shot of Doc's Snake Bite.
I don't know why he can't just do
the Great Apache Flaming Arrow Act.
Didn't you tell him
to use the gopher snake?
I did, but he's a proud Indian.
The only good Indian is a dead Indian.
Let's go, girl.
How about it?
How about a big hand
for Lasso Leonard James?
The greatest rope artist in the West!
And now, ladies and gentlemen...
it is my privilege and honor...
to present to you this evening...
the greatest trick shooter...
the fastest draw...
the toughest hombre...
the one and only Bronco Billy McCoy!
How about it?
Terrific!
Thank you, folks.
Thank you, my little pardners out there.
Always great to be back in Montana
and see all of our friends.
Now I'd like to introduce you
to my new assistant.
It's her first night in the big tent.
So how about a big Montana welcome
for Miss Mitzi Fritts.
Throw up the plates.
Throw up another plate.
How about it, ladies and gentlemen?
Bronco Billy!
And now I want all of you settlers...
and all of you little pardners...
to sit tight...
because Bronco Billy
is getting ready to do...
his death-defying
"Wheel of Fortune" shootout!
Are those real bullets?
It's a special buckshot.
It doesn't go too far.
But don't worry, I never miss.
Miss Mitzi, would you like a blindfold?
No, Bronco Billy.
You're the best shot in the Old West.
Very well, but I will wear one.
Are you ready, Miss Mitzi?
Yes, Bronco Billy.
All right.
Spin the wheel.
How much money we got in the kitty?
$19 and some change.
Nobody can ever say we're getting rich.
I'll just be glad when we get
to the next town.
That's good, too. But, I...
If something's sticking in your craw,
why don't you just spit it out?
Me and the boys have been with you
down the road through hell and high water.
If there's a fight, we
stick together, right?
We know you've done the same for us.
Doc, if it's about that little gal...
you know how hard it is
to find a good assistant nowadays.
You tell the boys that
I'll find us an angel...
who will make us proud
to have her in the show.
Heck, they understand
about all that, Billy, but...
What the hell are you talking about?
You know the boys love you and so do I...
but unless we get paid, we have to quit
because it's been six months.
What's going on?
Get out of my truck,
you yellow-bellied sidewinders!
- It's raining!
- Get out!
What in tarnation is he
all heated up about?
I just told him we was all gonna quit
unless we got paid!
Why'd you tell him while it was raining?
Get out of my truck, you ingrates!
- Don't you swear at my wife, Boss!
- Get out of my truck!
We never should have elected you
to tell him in the first place!
What are you talking about?
We drew straws and I lost. Remember?
Yeah.
So it's money you want, huh?
I'm not gonna have a pack of wolves
snapping at my heels for money!
You think when I look at the faces of those
little pardners smiling in the audience...
I'm thinking about money?
All the good times we've been through,
and all the bad times...
it breaks my heart to think that the
only reason you came with me was for money!
I thought I had the best bunch,
but I guess I've been dealt a crooked hand!
It ain't what you're thinking!
Nobody wants to quit the outfit.
I ain't had enough money to go into a bar
and buy a girl a drink in over a month!
You think I have?
You promised I'd have enough money
to buy a wooden hand this year!
You shouldn't have blowed that hand off!
I told you that shotgun act wouldn't work!
Running Water and I
want to buy a new bed.
We're tired of sleeping on straw.
You two would still be in the reservation
drinking bad whiskey if it wasn't for me.
I'm sick of being on the wagon
and I'm sick of drinking plain water.
We all know what you used to do
for a drink and we forgive you for it.
If you want to go back to wool blankets
and dirty sheets, it's all right with me.
I need new ropes.
You young cowpunchers today
don't take care of your gear.
I've told you a hundred times,
wrap your ropes after every show!
I know my job!
Then know it better! You hear?
Why don't we get back in the truck
and get on down the trail?
We're getting hungry!
I say we get it over, right now!
Nobody wants it over!
How about the rest of you?
You're right, Boss.
Running Water and I owe you our lives.
Where would I go?
But soon as we get some money,
I'll get some ropes.
You're all gonna get what you want,
I promise you.
I save every dime, every nickel
that goes into that little tin box.
One day we'll get that ranch we want,
so city kids could come out...
and see what cowboys and Indians
are really like.
Then we can all settle down.
You're the best bunch of wranglers
in America, don't you ever forget it.
You ride with Bronco Billy,
the fastest draw in the West.
Now let's hit the trail.
I'll go get the permit.
You all go get something to eat.
All right, Mr. Arlington, if you will both
sign right there and pay me $10...
then you can go upstairs
to Judge Carbon's office and be married.
Darling...
Thank you.
Darling!
Don't walk so fast!
I shall walk as fast as I please.
Light me.
Antoinette, darling...
you know how much I love you.
Please, John, let's not be maudlin.
But I do love you, my pet.
We need each other.
I need to marry someone...
anyone, before Saturday, when I reach
the disgusting age of 30...
or I shall lose many wonderful
millions of dollars my daddy left me.
And you need my money.
I know you're as broke
as these vulgar Idaho farmers...
so let's not talk about love...
and get this thing over with
as painlessly as possible.
Is there an auto mechanic on duty?
- What's the problem?
- I believe my engine's burning up.
Pop the hood.
Just exactly how long
is this going to take?
There's a hole in your radiator
the size of a potato.
Repair it!
It won't be ready till tomorrow.
What?
Tomorrow?
Got to make a trip into town
to pick up a new radiator.
I'll pay you double what you normally get,
if you'll have it repaired by tonight.
I could sure use the extra money...
but your car won' be ready till tomorrow.
Marvelous!
You and your rented limousines.
Why in the hell
did we get married in Idaho?
I thought Sun Valley would be
a good place for a honeymoon.
I just want to get back to New York!
You want her fixed?
Sometimes she makes me so mad,
I could kill her!
Stick 'em up or I'll plug you!
I ought to have the whole bunch of you
strung up for cattle-rustling!
We just wanted to talk to Bronco Billy.
All right, turn around, nice and easy!
You little pards played hooky
from school just to come see me?
Look at his guns!
He really is Bronco Billy!
Put your hands down.
Are you really the fastest gun in the West?
Ain't nobody faster than Bronco Billy.
I don't take kindly
to kids playing hooky from school.
I think every kid in America should go
to school at least up to eighth grade.
But we don't go to school today.
It's Saturday.
I'd been riding late last night.
A man's brain gets kind of fuzzy
when he's been on the range.
I'll tell you what.
Because you're such good hearted,
little cowboys and cowgirls...
and you say your prayers each night...
I'll give you one free ticket each
to the greatest Wild West Show on Earth.
I want you to bring
your folks tonight, huh?
- Thanks!
- You're welcome.
Don't come late. You might not get a seat.
- Billy, where are you heading?
- I'm going into town.
I got to find a woman
who can shoot like Annie Oakley...
ride like Belle Starr,
and who ain't afraid of nothing.
I hope you find one, but be careful.
Are you Bronco Billy?
I sure am, ma'am.
You sure got a neat car.
Woman, what's your name?
Dolores. Dolores Duke.
It's pleasure meeting you, Miss Dolores.
Would you like to go for a little ride,
when you get off work?
Jesus!
I'm certainly glad someone is enjoying
our honeymoon.
You really should've come
to the Wild West Show, darling.
It was wonderfully corny.
You would've gotten a big laugh out of it.
Turn out your light. I want to go to bed.
Yes, dear.
Aren't you...
going to wash that stuff off your face?
I shall wash my face
when I want to wash my face.
Will you take your wet tongue
out of my ear?
- But I'm your husband.
- That doesn't give you license to maul me!
You frigid spinster!
If you had any blood in your veins,
you'd know what to do!
No wonder you've never gotten married.
Are you finished with your little speech?
Honey, I just want to make you happy.
But you frustrate me to no end.
Finished?
Yes.
If you ever lay a hand on me again,
without first asking my permission...
I shall cut you out of my universe!
Starting at the bank!
Yes, dear.
Darling.
May I put my hand on your breast?
No!
Wait here. I'm gonna go cash a $3 check.
All right.
Watch yourself.
- Be back in a minute.
- Right.
Thank you, sir.
Cash a check here?
$3?
Yeah. I'd like it in two singles
and four quarters.
No, wait a second,
make that two quarters and five dimes.
What's it gonna be, fella?
It's a stickup!
Everybody up against the wall.
You, too, Tex!
- Tex?
- Come on, move!
Wow!
Do hurry, I want to take my bath.
I hope your rented limousine's
been repaired.
Oh, my God!
Hello? I've been robbed!
"News Beat 7", Mr. Bronco.
Bronco Billy's the name.
Me and my Wild West Show
are camped off of I-80.
When did you feel it was time
to take action?
It's always time to take action
when there's danger.
I want to invite you pardners to come
and see Bronco Billy's Wild West Show.
Right off of I-80.
Here's Mr. Collarton, manager of the bank.
I want to shake your hand
and I want to thank you...
The first show is at 7:30 and I want you
to come and see Bronco Billy...
the quickest draw, fastest shot,
quickest hombre this side of the Pecos.
Right out off of I-80.
Hello!
How charming!
Attendant!
Attendant! You, there!
Heard you the first time.
Did my husband,
the man in the limousine...
did he say when he'd be back?
No.
Could I use your telephone?
It's right outside
there. It works on dimes.
My husband seems to be playing
a little joke on me. He's taken my purse.
Run off, has he?
Could you lend me a dime?
I just want to dial the operator.
No.
Why not?
'Cause I ain't got a dime.
But you have a telephone!
It works on dimes.
Why don't you take a dime
out of your stupid little cash register...
and let me use it to call the operator?
I'll give it right back to you.
Ain't mine to give.
Nice looking, ain't she?
At my age, that's about
all I can do is look.
She live around here?
Her husband run off
and left her this morning.
The man's got to be a fool to run off
and leave something like that.
Maybe, maybe not.
Sir, you have a good day.
Same to you, young feller.
Good morning, ma'am.
Can I be of service to you?
Yes.
Would you be kind enough
to lend me a dime?
Sure. Come on across the street,
that's where I keep my money, in my truck.
Coming?
My name is Bronco Billy McCoy.
And yours?
Bronco. What an amusing name.
My friends call me Billy.
Come and get it!
Where's the dime you promised me?
- I wanted an orange soda.
- I wanted a strawberry.
Boys, this is...
Antoinette Lily.
Miss Antoinette Lily.
You're the prettiest assistant
the boss ever hired.
I sure hope you can ride better
than the last gal.
Wait! Wait!
Chief Big Eagle and his wife,
Lorraine Running Water.
Miss Antoinette Lily.
All right, boys. We got to get moving.
Let's get to work.
What an honor.
The dime!
I wanted a Dr. Pepper.
Doc Lynch, this is Miss Antoinette Lily.
Welcome to Bronco Billy's Wild West Show.
I hope you'll be happy with us.
Quit chewing the fat,
we've got work to do.
We'll talk later, my dear.
Yeah.
You'll be paid a good wage
for an honest day's work.
Room and board are free.
You promised me a dime!
Do you ride?
Ride? You mean a horse?
This dime will be deducted
from your first week's salary.
Now, go ahead and make your call.
We got to hit the trail.
You sure are pretty.
Operator, thank God you're there!
I'd like to place a collect call
to New York. Area code 212-966-7058.
To Mrs. Irene Lily.
- "Your name", "please?"
- This is Antoinette Lily.
"I'm sorry", "that line is busy."
Would you like to try later?
Yes!
Damn you! Give me back my dime!
This isn't happening.
Would you drive me to the next town?
Certainly, ma'am.
I tell you that John Arlington has murdered
my helpless little stepdaughter.
I never should've let them marry.
- What could you have done?
- Well, I am the family attorney.
All of his wives seem to disappear
so mysteriously.
Now, don't go getting yourself upset.
Edgar, what will become of me
if she has met her end?
If that is the case...
you are next in line
for her departed father's fortune.
I just want her back, safe in my arms.
But we both know Antoinette would
want me to carry on, chin up.
I'll call the police immediately.
You're such a comfort.
"We're barroom buddies
and that's the best kind."
"Nobody fools with a buddy of mine"
"I laugh when you're happy
I cry when you're blue."
Must you sing that disgusting music?
Would you want to sing a duet
of "Barroom Buddies"?
No, I don't want to sing a duet
of "Barroom Buddies".
If I'd known you were going
to the next town...
instead of the one nearest the motel,
I would've never gotten into this vehicle.
It must be tough having the man you love
run off with another woman.
It'll be better now that you are
with the show.
My husband did not run off
with another woman.
I have no intention of working
in your show.
- Were you messing with another man?
- No, I wasn't messing with another man.
Furthermore, my life is not your concern!
You'll wake up Doc.
Don't tell me what to do!
I'm your boss and don't you forget it.
You are nothing but an illiterate cowboy.
Nobody ever talks that way
to Bronco Billy.
Take your hands off me!
You'd better get in.
It's a long way to the next town.
What happened to Miss Lily?
I threw her out on the road.
I'll have him thrown in jail
for the rest of his life for kidnapping!
Who does he think he is,
treating me this way?
He's Bronco Billy,
the best friend a man ever had...
besides his wife.
Best friend? He hasn't understood
a word I've said to him all day!
The boss has a lot of responsibilities
running the show.
When do we get to the next village?
Just try to get some shut eye, Miss Lily.
How dare he put his hands on me!
Nobody says that about a cowboy!
Miss Lily, I thought
you left us last night.
Well, that lunatic tried to kill me.
He's a very good man once you know him.
Where are we?
We put on a lot of shows for orphanages
and hospitals throughout the country.
Children! Children!
Let's all have our lunch
and then we can thank Bronco Billy...
for his Wild West Show.
Billy, I hope you and your friends
will join us for lunch and prayer.
If you don't mind a few sinners
at the table, ma'am.
We'd love to, thank you.
All right, boys, let's take a break,
have some chow.
I realize you ain't with the show, but...
you're welcome to have lunch with us.
Would Bronco Billy give the prayer?
Lord, we ask You to forgive us
for our sins...
and we want to thank you, Lord,
for the great chow...
food that we're having here today.
We ask You, Lord, to look after
these little cowboys and cowgirls...
and show them the way to a good life,
so they don't get tangled up with...
hard liquor and cigarettes.
Amen.
Sister, may I use your telephone?
I'm sorry, we don't have a telephone.
We can't afford one.
Exactly how much do you pay Mr. Bronco
for this performance?
Pay?
Billy and his friends come here every year.
They make the children happy...
but they don't get paid.
I said to One-Eyed Charlie,
this famous desperado:
"If you mess with me,
you should make peace with the Lord..."
"'cause I'm faster and tougher
than you, you dirty varmint."
What did he do to make you so mad,
Bronco Billy?
He talked dirty about my mother.
So you killed One-Eyed Charlie?
I didn't, but I shot his holsters
right off his hips.
You should never kill a man
unless it's absolutely necessary.
May I speak with you for a moment?
Sure. See you in a little bit.
- Thanks for the show, Bronco Billy.
- You're welcome.
You promised to take me to the next town.
Tell you what I'll do.
I'll take you to the next town
and you work the first show for me...
till I can get a replacement.
Then you're on your own. Deal?
Deal!
Buster and I come riding in
after Doc announces me...
then I ride around the arena here
doing my tricks.
When I announce you, you'll come out here
and walk up to this table.
Then, I'll nod my head
and you pick up two plates.
When I ride by you,
throw up the first plate...
count to three and then throw up
the second plate. Got that?
I'll show you what it looks like
when the plates go off.
No problem.
It takes hours of practice
to learn to do that.
Mighty fine shooting, Miss Lily!
Beginner's luck.
Where on earth did you learn
how to shoot like that?
Haven't you got something better to do
than hang around like a dog in heat?
As a matter of fact, I do.
Excellent.
You don't do the shooting around here,
I do that.
All right.
Now pretend I've done all my tricks.
I'll come back...
I'll get on Buster...
and we ride around the arena.
I'll come right around here.
I'll swing down and pick you up
and you slide right on in back of me.
You what?
You reach your arm out
and I lift you right up in back of me.
That's all I have to do?
That's all you have to do.
What happens if I fall?
Trust me.
Trust?
If you can't get it right, we'll go over
and over it until you do get it right.
No problem.
All right, here I come.
"No problem"?
Hello, Eloise.
- Mrs. Lily in?
- I'll tell her you are here.
- Mr. Lipton is here to see you, ma'am.
- Thank you, dear.
Edgar, darling.
The FBI has just arrested John Arlington
in Arizona.
What was he doing in Arizona?
I have a suspicion he was getting ready
to flee across the Mexican border.
He was wearing several
of Antoinette's diamond bracelets.
They are formally charging him
with the murder of your step-daughter.
I'm going out there to see him.
Has he confessed?
At the time of his arrest he was suffering
from amoebic dysentery and...
wasn't able to talk.
As soon as he confesses,
I want you to file a petition...
requesting me to be named benefactor
of the estate.
Of course.
Eloise!
I want to extend my deepest sympathy
in this hour of tragedy.
That is sweet of you, Edgar.
Just do what I told you.
Simple.
Miss Lily, would you like a blindfold?
Oh no, Bronco Billy.
For you most certainly are
the finest marksman in all the West.
Very well.
But I will wear one.
Must you, Bronco Billy?
Are you ready, Miss Lily?
Yes, Bronco Billy.
Spin the wheel.
Next time you change the dialogue
on that piece of paper...
you're fired!
How dare you come in here!
Where's that piece of paper?
I'm not accustomed to being yelled at!
Where's that piece of paper?
There!
I say, "Would you like a blindfold,
Miss Lily?"
You say, "No, Bronco Billy,
because you're the best shot."
Not, "the best marksman"!
And when I say, "I'll use one,"
where does it say:
"Must you, Bronco Billy?"
It doesn't say that here, does it!
No!
Every assistant I've had
for the last 10 years...
has said exactly what's on this paper!
That's the way I want it continued!
Do you understand?
And another thing, I own this tent!
Are you finished with your little speech?
Yes, I'm finished!
I do not work for you!
And if you ever raise your voice
to me again, I will scratch out your eyes!
Are we camping here tonight or moving on?
We're hitting the trail, now!
He is a madman!
Is he?
John Arlington, I am going to murder you
for doing this to me!
How's Buster feeling?
Kind of poorly, Doc.
It's just his arthritis acting up again.
I'll give him a couple of swigs
of my snakebite remedy.
Just fix the old boy up, just like new.
One of these days we'll get that ranch.
Old Buster can go out to pasture.
Running Water was telling me
about the run in you had with Miss Lily.
I say good riddance to that woman.
She just couldn't cut the bacon.
I'm glad she got out of the frying pan
before I wasted that much time on her.
It's a shame, because I thought
she did pretty good for her first show.
She couldn't take orders.
I gave her the piece of paper
and she couldn't memorize her words.
But she was a damn good shot.
I don't want to talk about her, ever again.
Okay, you're the boss.
She got her ride to the next town
and her breakfast on the house.
Mighty kind of you.
Her kind don't want to work.
No wonder her husband ran off
and left her.
Excuse me, miss.
"Heiress murdered."
Can I see the Sports section?
You may!
Thank you.
'Bye, ma'am.
Goodbye, Miss Lily.
It's too bad you can't come along with us.
So long. Happy trails.
You have a visitor from New York.
Is it my wife?
Hello, Edgar.
You've got five minutes.
You're looking well.
That's easy for you to say!
You don't have amoebic dysentery!
I've known Antoinette
since she was just a little girl...
and believe me, I don't blame you...
for murdering her.
But I didn't murder
that cold-blooded viper!
The sooner you confess,
the sooner we can all benefit.
Benefit?
I know how much you must have loved her
to have done such a thing.
But the living must go on living.
What has happened, has happened.
I'm facing the electric chair...
or something...
and you're standing here talking about
"the living must go on living"!
I guarantee...
that if you plead temporary insanity...
you won't spend more than three years
in a mental institution.
What are you getting at?
If you confess to Antoinette's murder...
the day that you are released
from the institution...
you will receive half a million dollars.
But what if they don't buy that
and I go to the electric chair anyway...
or something?
They will buy it.
I can arrange anything. You know that.
But those mental institutions,
they're supposed to be maddening.
I know of some out here that have
tennis courts and swimming pools...
your own private room, color TV...
maid service.
$500,000?
How much is that after taxes?
Well, if you invest wisely,
you won't have to pay a dime.
I didn't mean to kill her,
but she was driving me crazy.
What are you doing here?
You still need an assistant, don't you?
I'm the head ramrod. I give the orders.
Yes, Bronco Billy.
Get out of this truck.
Why? Aren't we heading
down the old trail?
You got to prove that you can work hard
before you ride with the head ramrod.
I do, do I?
Do you want the job or don't you?
Is that your real name, Lefty?
What's it to you?
Well, I was just trying
to make time pass more quickly.
Why do you want
to make the time pass quickly?
Because I find life rather boring.
Don't you?
Nope!
Well, I can see we have very little
to talk about.
I reckon not.
Light me.
Leonard, how long have you been
with Bronco Billy?
Must be going on nine years.
Oh, please.
Did your father teach you
your little lasso tricks?
My father taught me nothing.
My father gave me nothing but whippings.
Billy taught me everything I know.
He gave me a home.
That's very touching.
I don't know where you come from...
but they must not have given you
much love when you was a little girl.
Well, it's good to be back.
I'm hungry!
You're always hungry. Let's set up
the big tent before we put on the feedbag.
Big tent, let's get it.
What would you like for me to do?
You go help the boys.
What are you going to do?
I do the thinking around here.
I hadn't noticed!
Chief...
Excuse me.
Is everything all fixed up?
We still have some patch work to do
on the tent.
All right. Good.
I don't want you to get bit
by those rattlesnakes anymore.
Why don't you use the gopher snakes?
That's what I bought the damn things for.
- Tell him. He'll understand.
- I hope so.
Tell me what?
Spit it out.
That's what I'm here for, is to help.
Running Water's gonna have a baby.
I'm gonna be an uncle?
You ain't mad?
Mad? That's the best news
I've ever heard!
We know money's tight.
We got to get a trailer for you
and some clothes for the little pard.
What's all the shooting about?
Big Eagle and Running Water
are gonna have a baby.
Why don't we get into our duds
and go into town and raise some hell?
We plan to name the little critter Billy.
Well, I'm really honored.
In fact, what we'll have to do is get
a raise for you when the critter's born.
Thanks, Boss.
Here's a toast to the fastest gun
in the West, Bronco Billy.
Bottoms up.
Miss Lily, why don't you put a little fire
between your legs and join in?
I've matched you beer for beer all night.
You're the coldest fish I've ever met!
How dare you call me a fish!
"How dare you call me a fish!"
You are, you know!
You don't know how to have fun.
You call your life fun?
Your daddy should've taken a belt
to your backside...
when you were little
and you'd have had some respect.
My father was a great man.
He went to heaven when I was 9 years old.
I'm sorry, I didn't know that.
Yes, there's a whole wide world
you don't know about, Mr. Bronco Billy.
Mr. Bronco Billy, I'll walk over to the bar
and introduce myself to that fine lady.
People are such idiots.
Go ahead, let the tears fall in that beer.
- I'm not crying.
- Nothing's wrong with crying.
The smoke in here is hurting my eyes!
Did you ever think what it would be like
to be nice to folks?
Folks just want to take.
Girl, you sure are mixed up.
No, I'm not.
Miss Lily, get up!
Why?
'Cause I want to dance with you,
that's why.
Dance?
Come on.
Once you take the first step or two,
it's easy.
If you could only shoot straight.
I can outshoot you any day of the week.
You sure are pretty.
I bet you say that to all the girls,
Bronco Billy.
How dare you!
Jesus, I only kissed you.
Watch it, lady!
Don't shove the lady.
You stay out of this!
We're family! We fight together!
We stick together!
- On second thought, I'll stick with you.
- Good idea.
We're gonna take a five-minute break.
Don't go away.
Hey, pretty thing,
how about a little old drink?
Get lost!
Now my friend, back there,
he asked you if you wanted a drink.
How about that little old drink, honey?
Please, don't!
Come on, we just want a little fun!
You!
- We got us a wildcat!
- Have we ever!
Wait a minute, I've had enough!
Like hell you have!
Don't kill me!
Killing's too good for you!
You all right, Miss Lily?
Of course she ain't!
I'll take her back in the panel truck.
The night's young, so am I and full of more
fight than any hombre west of the Pecos.
Come on, let's go back
and have some more fun.
She'll be all right!
No, Running Water and I are going back.
Go kick up a storm.
I ain't going back.
Here.
Sorry, it ain't too hot.
Are you okay?
I'm still shaking.
Everybody gets scared once in a while.
Have you been married?
Sure.
Long time ago.
Did you love her?
With all my heart.
Sometimes that just isn't enough.
What happened?
I caught her in bed with my best friend.
What did you do to him?
I shot her.
What? What about him?
He was my best friend.
My God!
Don't worry, I didn't kill her.
She was all right.
But I spent seven years in Folsom...
for attempted murder.
I ain't complaining.
I met a lot of nice people there like...
Doc Lynch, Lefty LeBow, and Big Eagle...
who was doing five to ten
for armed robbery.
My God! Convicts!
What did Doc and Lefty do?
Doc was in for practicing medicine
without a license.
Lefty was a former bank teller
whose wife had expensive habits.
He said he was going to give
the money back. I believe him.
None of you look like convicts.
We did our time.
Are you for real?
I'm who I want to be.
I've never been this close
to a convict before.
Sorry. I didn't mean to say that.
I paid my price.
Don't.
That's all right.
You'll know when the time comes.
The Sheriff called the front gate
and told me he's got Leonard in his jail!
Sheriff, you've got one of my wranglers
housed up in your calaboose here.
- What was his name?
- Leonard James.
You two waiting to see me?
They're with me, Sheriff.
I run the Bronco Billy Wild West Show.
In fact, we're playing over
at the fairgrounds tonight.
Let's see.
"James, Leonard. Age 28."
"Drunk and disorderly in a public place."
"Resisting arrest..."
We kicked up our heels a bit last night.
I guess Leonard kicked his up too high.
We ran a routine check on your boy.
Found that he's wanted for desertion
from the United States Army.
You must have the wrong man, Sheriff.
Prints don't lie.
Your boy's a coward.
He didn't want to fight in Vietnam.
- Can we see him?
- Yeah.
Just you.
You two can wait outside.
Why did you become a deserter?
I got a show to run!
Where am I gonna find a wrangler
who can rope like you by showtime?
I'm sorry, Boss.
I was just a little kid then.
You're really in trouble this time.
Do they still shoot deserters?
It would teach you a lesson if they did.
A missing deserter with my show!
What about the little pardners
that look up to you?
What will they think when they find out?
Couldn't you just tell them
that I died with my boots on?
What happened to your eye?
A couple of deputies, when they found out
that I was a deserter...
they took me in the back room.
Why didn't you tell me about it?
I was on the run nine years ago.
You took me in, you gave me a home...
I couldn't just let you
stand out in the rain.
I didn't want you to get involved!
Looks like it's the end of the trail now.
You take care.
You can't leave him here.
He's a deserter!
He deserves what he gets!
I don't believe
Billy will just let him rot in jail.
What can he do?
The Army's too powerful
even for Bronco Billy.
No, it's not like him
just to leave a friend in jail like that.
Desertion is a tough charge to beat.
What if you have an attorney
to defend Leonard?
Attorney?
Miss Lily, an attorney costs money.
That's one luxury we ain't never had!
- Billy, where are you going?
- Get ready for the show!
I appreciate you coming out here
and meeting me like this, Sheriff.
It was a rather interesting phone call.
I figure if my man's
sent up for desertion...
there ain't no profit
in that for any of us.
What kind of profit are we talking about?
$500.
Just how fast are you
with that pea-shooter?
Fast enough.
I'm pretty fast myself.
You know, $500 isn't very much money
for me to take such a big risk.
All right.
This is all I have.
This comes to $1,100.
That's all I've got in the world.
Is that so?
You think you're faster than I am?
I wouldn't want to find that out, Sheriff.
Why, aren't you Bronco Billy,
the fastest in the West?
The roughest, toughest hombre
this side of Dodge City?
I'm just making a living
like everyone else.
I could outdraw you any day in the week!
Couldn't I?
I reckon.
Reckon?
Let me hear you say it.
Or do you want to find out
just how fast I really am?
You want a go at it?
You want to get with it, boy?
Or are you a coward
like that deserter friend of yours?
- You're faster than I am.
- What did you say?
I said, you're faster than I am.
All right!
Just take out that gun nice and easy
and throw it right there on the ground.
Bronco Billy!
You're nothing
but a yellow-bellied egg sucker.
Peanuts!
Coca Cola!
Here you go.
Two? All right.
- Have you seen the boss?
- Nope. He hasn't shown up yet.
Ten minutes till showtime.
Shoot! It's the first full house
since Dodge City.
Step right in, folks.
- Any sign of Billy?
- He'll show up.
What if he doesn't?
You'll do the longest Rattlesnake Dance
of your life.
He'll show up.
I've sold everything, except the empty box.
Any sign of Bronco Billy?
Never known Bronco Billy to miss a show.
He's not on the midway.
No?
Well, in that case,
I suggest we put on the show.
Ladies and gentlemen,
we welcome you this evening...
to the greatest, the most authentic...
Wild West Show in America!
I'd better change my costume.
- She sure brought us bad luck.
- Don't talk that way!
- It's true! You know it!
- It ain't!
Will perform
his legendary Rattlesnake Dance...
that no white man has ever seen.
That's exactly what I mean!
Chief Big Eagle!
Stand aside, woman.
We've got a show to do.
Leonard, you're hurt!
Those yahoos couldn't hurt
Lasso Leonard James!
Quit chewing the cud and get going.
Fire! Fire!
Bronco Billy will be here!
The show's going on!
Calm down. Slow down. Take it easy.
Don't panic, folks.
The show's gonna go on!
How did he get you out of jail?
He can do anything.
The tent's on fire!
The tent's on fire!
Billy, the tent's on fire!
Take it easy!
Take it easy, little buckaroos!
Take it easy!
- Walk those little pardners out of here.
- Slow down, there's time.
Give me a hand with this poster.
Pull!
I got it!
The other side.
Thank the Lord nobody got hurt.
It's Miss Lily's fault.
She brought us bad luck.
The sooner the boss gets rid of her,
the sooner our luck will change.
Miss Lily did not start that fire!
She's bad luck, I tell you.
Honey, Lefty's right. She's bad luck.
Hi, King. Get you some coffee?
Thank you, Running Water.
Well, Lady Luck didn't shine
on you this time.
You can say that again.
Good morning, King.
What's your plans?
I don't know.
The sun's always shining
over the next valley.
Maybe that's where we'll find
our pot of gold.
We took up a little collection
along the midway and it ain't a lot, but...
it'll help you start
and help you get back on your feet.
That's nice.
Thanks.
Appreciate it if you'd...
thank the rest of them for us, too.
We're pulling out this morning.
Sure thing.
Let's get out of here.
It's all my fault, the tent burnt down!
If I hadn't got thrown in the calaboose,
Billy would have been there.
He could've stopped it.
Boy, are you blind?
Ever since she's been with us
our luck's gone rotten!
You're mean.
You're just a mean old ornery old cuss
and you don't like nobody!
Don't you just love these wide open spaces
where the deer and the antelope roam?
Boss, the boys wanted me to talk to you.
Look, Doc, you can tell the boys
that nobody's gonna get laid off.
We'll pull in our belts
and pull up our boots.
We'll see this through together.
We've been through worse than this.
I'm sure they'd be glad to hear that.
I know I am.
But...
You got a chicken bone in your throat?
It's the boys.
They want you to get rid of Miss Lily.
They think she's bad luck.
Who do they think they are
telling me what to do?
It's my show!
I do the hiring and firing around here!
Anybody that don't like it,
they can pick up their pay and get out!
You know, things ain't so good
since she joined us.
I know, but that poor little gal's
been through hell.
I didn't like her too well myself
at the beginning, but...
she's coming around
to my way of thinking now.
What are we gonna do? We can't put on
no show without a big tent.
I know that.
What shall I tell the boys?
Tell them we're gonna rob a train.
Okay.
"Rob a train"?
But how are we gonna stop a train?
Stopping the train is easy.
It's carting off all that money
that's gonna be the hard part.
No outfit's tried robbing a train
in over 90 years.
They were smart, that's why.
You people are crazy!
You could all go to jail for the rest
of your lives for robbing a train!
Appreciate your concern.
You may be right about us being crazy...
but we're at the end of our rope.
This is not a game! People could get hurt!
Nobody will get hurt.
You don't even know if
it's the right train!
If you want out, just say so.
You're all gonna get caught!
I'd say Miss Lily's out.
You're living in a dream world.
There are no more cowboys and Indians!
That's in the past!
I was raised in a one-room tenement
in New Jersey.
As a kid, I never even saw a cowboy,
much less the wide open spaces...
except when I could
scrounge up a quarter for a picture show.
I was a shoe salesman
until I was 31 years old.
Deep down in my heart
I always wanted to be a cowboy.
One day I laid down my shoehorn...
and swore I'd never
live in the city again.
You only live once.
You got to give it your best shot.
Don't do it, Billy.
I'll give you the money.
That'd be a neat trick,
considering I haven't
paid you since you started working for me.
I have money. Lots of it!
If you say you do, I believe you.
But I'm head ramrod here
and I've already made my decision.
You all know what you have to do.
Get ready.
Wait for me!
Cowboys and Indians.
Of course, dear.
Billy, where are we?
I've got an idea
that might get us back in business.
What is this place?
It's a home for the criminally insane.
They should love your act.
Dr. Canterbury, you look spright.
- This is Miss Lily here.
- Hello.
- You remember Doc.
- My friend and colleague.
Get back to work, you nut!
I'm not nuts!
I'd like to see Dr. Canterbury.
How would you like to take a trip
to the yellow room?
Could I talk with you for a moment?
I need a favor, badly.
Sure. You know I'm a good listener.
I'll be right back.
My diagnosis is that you have the worst
ailment known to man: No money.
How can I help?
How can my staff and my patients
best serve you and your people?
I know you have a giant sewing room...
and your patients sew American flags
for the military.
If it's a flag you want, you've got one.
No, it's a tent that I need.
Without it, I'm afraid, it's the end
of Bronco Billy Wild West Show.
You and your friends have come here
year in year out, always a free show.
I don't know why, but you do come.
Now, after all you've done for us...
it would be a pleasure for us
to do this for you.
But I have a price.
You name it.
I want you to teach me
how to twirl a six-shooter.
You got that, old pard.
All right.
You and your gang can hole up
in the guest wing. Come in.
And you can take your meals
with the staff, or the patients...
whichever you feel most comfortable with.
This place gives me the creepers
every time we come here.
Some of these people in here
are just as sane as you or I.
- What're you talking about?
- That ain't saying much.
They've just had a tough break, that's all.
Yeah, they were born sane
in a crazy world.
Get your gear, buckaroos.
We're back in business.
How long we got to stay here?
As long as it takes to get the tent made.
How long will that take?
If you have something better to do, do it.
Just asking, Boss.
This is the Rose Room.
It has two single beds
and a black-and-white TV.
Lefty, Leonard.
Why is it called the Rose Room?
Because it's always been called
the Rose Room.
At least the rates are reasonable.
This is the Carnation Room.
It has a single bed and a radio.
I have returned home.
And this is one
of our most requested rooms...
by guests who frequently come
to Mineral Wells.
By the way, you are the first two Indians
ever allowed to stay in the guest wing.
- What's the name of this room?
- It doesn't have one.
We call this our Honeymoon Room.
You can't be serious?
Dr. Canterbury ordered me to put you
and your wife in this room.
- Wife?
- Come, my dear.
I forgot to tell them about the view.
Everything's coming up roses.
Come on over here
and give Bronco Billy a big kiss.
Don't you find anything
about your life bizarre?
The only thing strange I find
is that you and I haven't made love yet.
Let go of me.
I'm crazy about you. Kiss me.
You're as nutty as the fruitcakes
in this place.
You love me, don't you?
I find your timing less than appropriate.
Is it that time of the month?
No, it is not that time of the month!
Kiss me, then.
Leave me alone!
That's all you ever think about!
You said I'd know when the time is right.
I don't know it yet!
There must be 13 year-olds
who are more woman than you are.
At least I'm not a phony cowboy
from New Jersey!
What's it take to melt
that heart of stone of yours?
I'd like to see the boss.
He's not here.
When you see him,
would you tell him I want to talk to him?
Running Water...
- Do you have a moment?
- Sure.
So this is the honeymoon room.
Not much of a honeymoon.
Why does that man make me so angry
every time we're together?
The boss is a funny guy.
He's like all men, a
big kid in a man's body.
But why do I hate him so?
The Apaches have a word for that.
It's called love.
That's what the Apaches call what I have?
When I first met Big Eagle...
I hated his guts.
He was so dedicated to preserving
the heritage of his ancestors...
I felt rejected.
Late at night, when everyone else is asleep
he's up working on his book.
Big Eagle is a writer?
He hasn't had anything published,
but he's written three books.
My God!
Big Eagle is a writer,
Leonard, a Vietnam War deserter...
Lefty, a bank teller, Doc, a doc...
and Billy, a shoe salesman
from New Jersey.
- He told you that?
- Yes!
You're the first assistant he's ever told.
But we're so different!
I hate to tell you what I come from,
Antoinette...
but I sure am not an Indian by blood.
I am Big Eagle's squaw
and that makes me an Indian at heart.
Don't you understand what Bronco Billy
and the Wild West Show are all about?
You can be anything you want.
All you have to do is go out and become it.
I didn't mean to bring bad luck
to the show.
You didn't.
What am I going to do?
I can't tell you that.
But I do know you're running away
from yourself...
and until you know who you want to be...
you're never gonna get very far.
I want you to take me in your arms
and make love to me.
I would, but unless you love me,
it wouldn't be any good.
I love you, Bronco Billy.
Take it easy.
Take it easy.
We got the rest of the night and
the rest of our lives to enjoy each other.
"We are barroom buddies
and that's the best kind."
"Nobody fools with a buddy of mine."
"Laugh when you're happy."
"Cry when you're blue."
In two days, you shall have your big tent.
Do you think it would be all right if I
said a few words to your patients here?
Yeah, certainly.
Folks!
I'd like to...
I'd like to thank you
from the bottom of my heart...
for the great work you're doing
for me and my outfit.
Three cheers for Bronco Billy!
Good morning, Lefty.
What's so good about it?
Smell that fresh air.
Look at the blue sky above.
Have you been drinking some
of Doc's Snake Bite?
I know you think I've brought bad luck
to the show.
I'll shoot straight with you. You have.
Maybe I have brought bad luck and I know
I've been very hard to get along with...
but I'd like to change.
I want to be part of the outfit.
Would you give me
a second chance, please?
One rotten apple can spoil
the whole barrel.
I know, but I've been
like a scared little calf in a herd.
A man has to prove himself on the range.
That holds for a woman.
Could we have a cup of coffee, Mr. LeBow?
If you got a calling for it.
Practice one hour in the morning,
one hour in the evening...
and you'll be like Bronco Billy.
I will.
Howdy, pard.
Please come in, Mr. Atherton.
Arlington!
Sit down, please.
I like to hold these informal sessions
with all the new patients...
so that I can get to know their problems.
As you know,
I have been sent here for life...
for murdering my wife, but I was framed.
My wife is the woman
in Bronco Billy's Wild West Show!
I know! I've seen her!
You've got to believe me!
Why don't you start at the beginning?
Tell me all about it.
Her stepmother's lawyer
offered me $500,000...
if I would confess to the murder.
How was I last night, Bronco Billy?
You weren't performing, Miss Lily.
That's not what I meant.
You did just great.
I did?
Yeah. You know why?
- Because you're a cowboy?
- No.
I could've been a sailor
or a lumberjack or the President.
We felt that good
because we love each other.
The Apaches have a word for it.
- They do?
- Yep!
My God, I'm even beginning
to talk like you.
You mean, you're becoming a cowgirl?
I'm a rooting tooting cowgirl
from the Rio Grande.
You know, I've been thinking...
with just a little time, I could
teach you to draw and twirl a gun. Shoot.
"Takes hours of practice to learn that."
"No problem."
Whatever you say, Bronco Billy.
Excuse me, Billy.
Could I have a moment of your time?
Also the young lady's?
Shoot, Doc.
It's me, John Arlington.
Tell them you're alive!
Back off, stranger.
Try to control yourself, Mr. Arlington.
Excuse me, ma'am.
Mr. Arlington believes you to be his wife.
Whenever a patient has an hallucination, I
try to confront them with the facts of life.
What on earth are you doing here?
I was framed!
You mean, he really is your husband?
What'd you run off and leave her for?
If you knew what she was like,
you'd run off, too!
- You really are Antoinette Lily?
- Who else would she be?
Would somebody tell me
what's going on here?
I'll have to call the authorities.
I'm so glad you're alive.
Because I'm going to sue you
and your stepmother...
and that crooked lawyer of yours
for all you've got!
Do you mind telling me
what's going on here?
She's my wife!
And I was just beginning to like her.
They look like a herd of buffalo!
Are you patients here at Mineral Wells?
Have the doctors treated you well?
Can you tell me anything
about John Arlington?
Didn't you know the entire country
thought you had been murdered?
I never read newspapers.
This man, your husband,
has been convicted of murdering you...
and now you show up alive!
I don't know what to think!
I find it a small misunderstanding,
Lieutenant.
Maybe you do and maybe I do...
but I doubt the FBI will find it
a misunderstanding.
The FBI?
They'll be here tonight...
to transport you, Mr. McCoy
and his people back to New York City...
for an inquiry.
What do I have to go to New York for?
For harboring a fugitive.
How can I be a fugitive if I were dead?
I don't know what you are,
but the FBI will know.
I hope they throw the book at you.
Shut up, you little termite!
Newspaper reporters are crawling
all over the place.
Tell them...
an official statement
will be forthcoming.
All right.
I have nothing more to say.
- Get ready to pull out of here tonight.
- Suits me fine!
What did they ask?
I ain't going back to New York City!
What about Antoinette?
She's bad luck!
What was I supposed to think?
You missing, he was alive...
I knew he was only after your money.
Good evening, ladies.
I am happy to report
that everything has been taken care of.
Wonderful!
Isn't that wonderful, darling?
She hasn't spoken a word since her return.
She's been through a terrible ordeal.
My poor little baby.
John Arlington has been compensated
for his discomfort.
If Antoinette would like the marriage
annulled, I'd be happy to arrange it.
What about the inheritance money?
I'm afraid, my dear, you are at the mercy
of your loving stepdaughter.
Antoinette, my poor, poor baby.
What do you want?
Darling...
now that you're home,
I want us so much to become friends.
We've never been friends
and we never will be.
But don't worry, I won't throw you out
on the streets where you belong.
So long, Bronco Billy.
How soon do you think
before we can show our faces?
I would say that last round put us
very close to the poorhouse.
We show our faces...
those feds are gonna be on us like flies.
Nothing in the paper about us.
That's just an old FBI trick, Princess,
trying to make us think the coast is clear.
You figuring on us shooting it out
with the FBI?
Bronco Billy ain't afraid
of no tin-horn sheriff!
What about if we hide out
in the mountains?
- Have you ever hidden in the mountains?
- Nope.
It snows in the mountains.
Get the picture?
Yep.
Maybe we could live happily ever after...
in this bar.
That ain't too funny, Doc.
What do you say we show
the folks in this town...
the first class Wild West Show?
Bronco Billy ain't afraid of nothing.
I ain't never seen the boss drink so much.
He ain't never been in love
with a woman like Miss Lily before.
Keep the change, buddy.
You owe me another buck here.
I'll catch up to you later.
A collect call for Miss Antoinette Lily
from Running Water.
Will you accept the charges?
Yes!
Go ahead.
Antoinette?
Running Water, where are you?
"Boise", "Idaho."
How's Bronco Billy?
He needs you, badly.
We'll cut the show a little bit tonight.
You can be my assistant.
It's a shame Miss Lily's not here.
Miss Lily? I thought you didn't like her?
I never said I didn't like her,
I just said she brought us bad luck.
Well, she did.
No, she didn't.
She was the best assistant we ever had.
She could take a plate and throw it...
Haven't you got something better to do,
besides hang around like a coyote in heat?
Yeah. Sure, Boss.
- So that's how they built the tent.
- That's the best they know how.
Something must be bringing us luck.
We're almost sold out for tonight.
The fastest draw...
the toughest hombre...
who ever rode the range...
Bronco Billy McCoy and his horse, Buster!
Thank you, folks.
Thank you, folks.
Especially...
my little pardners out there.
Before we start, I'd like to introduce you
to my assistant for the evening...
Mr. Two Gun Lefty LeBow!
Miss Antoinette Lily.
Get over here!
A little late, ain't you?
I was waiting for you to come and get me.
I got you. I'm never letting you go.
Come on.
She's back!
Lasso Leonard James!
Ladies and gentlemen...
Lasso Leonard James!
So we come to the end of our show,
ladies and gentlemen.
Thank you for being so kind to us.
I've got a special message,
for you little pardners out there.
Finish your oatmeal at breakfast.
Do as your mom and pa tell you...
because they know best.
Don't ever tell a lie and say your prayers
at night before you go to bed.
And so, as our friends...
south of the border say:
"Adis", "amigos."