[Man] Ally, can we get a recap?
You remember the Kowolskis.
They've owned this shop for 30 years,
and they are attempting to set a record...
by making Buffalo's largest
cookie, and you have to wear this.
[Man] A hair net? Health department.
[Man] You're kidding me. If you're
around the cookie, you have to have it on.
It's the law. [Man] I just did
the hair. The hair is perfect.
All right. Give it to me.
God, why do you hate
me? [Man] We're rolling.
And speed.
For three decades, the
Kowolski family bakery...
has been a mainstay
in downtown Buffalo...
known for their sinfully sweet,
cream-filled Polski pierogis...
and the occasional
sugar-induced coma that follows.
But today, in honor of
their 30th anniversary,
they've invited us to ride along
as they go for the record...
on Buffalo's biggest cookie.
Vol. Vol. You need a
tissue or something?
Can we get Vol a tissue or a spoon?
It's a good thing we're wearing these today,
'cause I wouldn't want any stray hairs...
to fall into the booger.
Are we gonna do this again?
No. We can cut to B-roll.
- Moving on!
- So tell me, Mama. Why make Buffalo's biggest cookie?
Well, man from health department...
say he find rat pellet in
our pastry, but I say, "No.
Is big chocolate sprinkle."
But he shut store down.
So we clean up, make big cookie...
for to bring customers back.
Well, I admire your candor.
Let's try that again, shall we?
So tell me, Mama. Why make
Buffalo's biggest cookie?
So the children of the
neighborhood will be happy?
That's right. It must be wonderful
seeing the smiles on their little faces.
I work in back. I see no smiles.
[Microphone Lands With Thud]
[Reporter] The previous Buffalo
record was eight feet, seven inches,
baked by Gladys Pelsnick.
If this cookie beats Gladys's,
it will prove once and for all...
that the Kowolskis have
much more free time.
And the cookie is 10 feet, four inches.
We have a new record! [All Cheering]
Cue the cheesy inspirational music!
"[Theme To Chariots Of Fire]
But what are we really looking at here?
Is it just a big cookie, or does this
cookie represent the pride of Buffalo,
its dedicated and hardworking
citizens the key ingredient...
with a few nuts thrown in...
and, finally, the love of our families,
which provides the warm, chewy center,
making our beloved Buffalo
the sweetest place to live.
And that's the way the cookie crumbles.
I'm Bruce Nolan, Eyewitness
News. [Cameraman] And cut it.
- [Woman Laughing]
- What do you think?
I think it's really good. It sucks.
It's a story about a cookie.
The Pillsbury Doughboy
will be riveted. Ohh.
[Groans] Honey, it was
funny. It made me laugh.
There's nothing wrong
with makin' people laugh.
I'll never be an
anchorman, not with this.
The job's right there, but I can't reach it,
because every time they make me do this stuff,
I have to act like a total
goof in order to make it work.
I have no credibility. [Southern
Accent] Not good. Not good.
You know what? Now you're just
sounding silly. Know what? Forget it.
It's not important,
right? It's not important.
- Let's watch it one more time.
- Oh, no.
- Just once more. Please?
- No. No. Bruce, you promised you would help with this album.
- [Growls]
- Now, you get your goofy butt over here.
- [Whimpers]
- Uh-uh.
Okay. [Laughs]
Okay. Okay. Now, you just
go through this stack,
and you pick your favorites.
Oh, come on. This is fun.
Right? Isn't this fun?
This is nice.
Evan's gonna get that
anchor job; I just know it.
Ah, Bruce! He's the favorite.
All right. You know what? Just
forget it. Let's just forget it.
This is just our life. We can always
just have some kid do it for us.
Whoa! Hold the phone! I like
this one. Our weekend at the lake.
How did you get that? That's
supposed to be in our private stash.
You look perky, hon. It must've been
cold. All right. Just give it to me.
I think I'll put this on my computer
and use it as wallpaper. No, no, no.
Okay. Give it to me.
Come on! No, no, no.
All right. Fine. Do with it
what you will. I don't care.
- I will do with it what I will.
- Jesus.
You know, I might even
send this in to Playboy.
I hear their layouts can be quite
tasteful. Give that to me right now.!
- [Bruce]Jesus. - Right
now.! - Ow! Rough stuff!
I'm gonna hurt you...
[Screeches Triumphantly]
[Beeping]
Sweetie? Time to get up.
[Groans] Uh-uh.
Good dream. No. Uh-uh. No.
Well, the Buffalo Sabres
lost again last night...
at the hands of the Toronto Maple Leafs.
It was a shootout on the ice for our
hometown... Of course. They're my team.
And that's the way the cookie crumbles. You
know, I think there might be something...
to this cookie line.
All the greatest anchors have
had their own signature sign-off,
like Wal-ter
Cron-kite.
[Syncopated] And that's the way it
was. That's the way the cookie crumbles.
And that's the way,
uh-huh, uh-huh, I like it,
uh-huh, uh-huh.
[Liquid Running]
Oh, no. Grace, the dog.!
[Grace] I'm in the shower.! [Growls]
[Grunts] No, Sam! Bad dog!
Inside, bad. Outside, good.
Inside, bad. Outside, good.
[Gasps] Oh, you're done now.
Great.
B-E-A-utiful.
- [Panting]
- Come on. Let's go back inside and have a shit.
- What is the deal-io? - [Grace]
We are having a blood drive.
Creepy. Needles. Yuck.
Well, they need my blood. I
have a very rare blood type.
I'm A.B. -positive. Really?
Mm-hmm. I'm
I.B. -positive.
I be positive they ain't touchin'
me with no needle. It's just so...
Helpful and lifesaving? No.
It's your blood. It's blood.
Blood's supposed to stay inside the
body. That's where it's meant to be.
Besides, they stockpile this
stuff in a warehouse somewhere.
It's all frozen on ice, and they
tell everybody there's a shortage.
That's just not true.
Where did you hear that?
From a very reliable friend
of a friend of a girl...
whose sister's going out with someone
very high up in the government.
But for your own protection, I cannot discuss
it at this time. Now, get out before they see us.
Oh, no.
Oh. Here. Hold on a second.
You need these more than I do.
What is these? Prayer beads.
The kids made 'em for me.
They will keep you safe.
I hope they're powerful. I'm gonna need
a friggin' miracle to get to work on time.
[Car Horns Honking, Sirens Blaring]
[People Shouting]
This isn't happening. Not
now. Not during sweeps week.
Not during sweeps week!
[Beeping] Oh, God.
Yeah. Yeah. Meeting's
started without me.
This is my luck. This is my luck!
[Bruce] Shit.
Oh, come on. Come on. Come on. Come on!
[Grunts, Groans]
Jesus. Get out of there! [Grumbles]
[Gasping]
"REwe Blind." No, but I'm late.
Is your child in dire jeopardy?
- Find out tonight after the game.
- Okay. Promos are approved.
Uh, Jack, shouldn't we be focusing
on Pete's retirement? Now, let's...
- I mean, this is his last week.
- Yeah, Jack. Any word on the open anchor position?
Evan, when I know something, you'll
know something. [Door Opening]
Sorry I'm late. Traffic was... [Groans]
Did you guys already play the
spots? It's a nice story, Bruce,
but we're gonna go with Evan's piece... sex
scandal in the mayor's office... for sweeps.
Oh, yeah. Sweeps.
[Evan] And that's the
way the cookie crumbles.
[Snickering] I'm just
messing with you, Bruce.
See, you just gotta
remember that the newsroom...
is like a big cookie.
[Snickering Resumes]
Do you like jazz, Evan? Yeah.
Let me play something for
ya. [Imitates Jazz Notes]
[All Laughing]
I can hold that note all day,
buddy. [Jack] Knock it off, guys.
Bruce, we're gonna keep your story in
reserve. Now, can we get back to the board...
so we'll have something
to put on the air today?
Great choice, Jack. This
is the Cadillac of bolognas.
[Chuckles] Okay. Thanks. Jack,
can I talk to you a second?
Yeah. Sure, Bruce. What
do you need? Sweeps.
Bruce. Jack. Jack! Hear me out here.
I'm startin' to get desperate, man. I'm
pushin' 40, and what have I got to show for it?
I've hit some kind of a ceiling here. There's
an anti-Bruce barrier I can't get past.
And Evan is lovin' it, by the way.
Lovin' it. He gets the stories. He gets on
sweeps. Maybe I should be more like Evan.
You don't wanna be like
Evan. Evan's an asshole.
I can be an asshole.
No, Bruce. You can't.
[Objects Clatter To Ground]
You gonna pick that up?
Yeah. I'm sorry. It's...
I'm losin' it. It's just this whole
anchor thing opening up has got me nuts.
Hi, Susan. Hi, Susan. Hi, Jack.
Look, Bruce. You're a good
reporter. You make people laugh.
All right. I'll tell you what. Today is the
156th anniversary of the Maid of the Mist.
I want you at Niagara Falls
in an hour. Maid of the Mist?
That's always live. Mm-hmm.
But Evan always does live feeds.
Now you and Evan get the live feeds.
I'm going live? During sweeps?
Mm-hmm. But watch your step.
I've seen your outtakes.
Jack, you will not regret this.
And I won't forget you when
I go national. Uh, can you...
Thanks, pal. [Grace]
Can I have your wish now?
I'm gonna put it in
the wish jar. Thank you.
- Okay. Put your wish in there.
- [Girl] Me too.
Put your wish in there. [Gasps]
Look at that. Looks like a big wish.
Oh, no, no. Oh, no. Martin, don't...
don't eat that. Don't eat that.
Don't put that in your mouth.
That's paste, honey. Ooh. [Grunts]
- That must've tasted awful.
- [Girl] Mommy.!
[Gasps] Oh, Zoe-Baboey! Did you have
a good time with Aunt Crazy today?
Mm-hmm. Yeah? See how nice
this is? Baby on the hip?
Oh, it's amazing. You've become
Mom. The transformation is complete.
[Telephone Ringing] Oh. I'll get it.
- Small Wonders Day Care.
- Grace? - No. It's Debbie,
the sister whose life
you're not wasting.
Oh, all right. Okay, okay,
okay. [Bruce] Bye, Debbie!
Oops. Hi. Hi. Sorry.
Debbie forgot to take her
meds today. Where are ya?
Oh, a little place called the winner's
circle. I'm at the falls doing a live report.
- Live? That's great!
- Yeah! It's happening, hon. I got sweeps, and I'm live.
You know what that means? They're
seein' if I can think on my feet,
you know, like I might have to do
in a live news anchor situation.
- Oh, my gosh.
- Yeah. It's what we've always talked about, Grace.
- Jack practically came out and told me.
- Practically?
Well, he didn't spell it
out, but legally, he can't.
But this is exactly what happened to Susan
Ortega just before they bumped her up.
It's good. It's good.
[Southern Accent] It's good.
Okay. Well, honey, I just don't... I don't
want you to get too ahead of yourself.
Bruce? Oh, I gotta go.
They're callin' me in.
Oh. Okay, honey. Good luck. I love you.
Love, love, love, love, love.
Let's do it.
[Ally] They want you close
to the falls. [Bruce] Really?
- I'm gonna get soaked.
- That's the point. They want you to put this on.
Part of the condition of
us getting the exclusive.
You know what? Nothin' can
bother me today. Nothin'.
Okay. Now, remember. It's their
156th-year anniversary. Mm-hmm.
149 capacity. Right.
They cater to tourists, honeymooners...
And people insanely thirsty.
I get it. Okay. And you are gonna
be interviewing Irene Dansfield.
Irene! Pleasure to meet you. Truly.
You look beautiful. Irene's
mother rode on the maiden voyage.
Wow. Rub that in my face,
why don't ya? Ninety seconds!
Ninety seconds? Holy hell. Uh,
yeah. Okay. Ninety seconds? Whoo.
Because of the fast response, the toxic
chemicals were cleaned up without incident.
- Susan?
- Bruce Nolan is standing by at Niagara Falls,
but before we go live to Bruce,
we have an announcement to make.
As everyone knows, after 33 years,
our beloved Pete Fineman is retiring.
- Pete's shoes are virtually impossible to fill,
- [Both Mouthing Words]
But the show must go on, and we
could think of no one better...
than our very own Evan Baxter.
Ohh... Oh, boy.
- Congratulations, Evan.
- Thanks, Susan. I'm thrilled and honored.
And as you said, no one can replace the
great Pete Fineman, but I will do my best.
I have to say, I am so proud to be a
part of our local community of Buffalo,
and I think, in a lot of ways, a great
city is like a great recipe, really.
You take hardworking
citizens, add some caregivers,
- maybe a few nuts,
- [Both Laughing]
[Wheezing Laughter] All sprinkled with
the love and support of good families.
Ultimately, that makes
one sweet place to live.
- That was amazing.
- [Evan] I meant it.
- I wish I'd written something.
- And now let's go live...
to that wacky Bruce Nolan
out at Niagara Falls.
Hey! Wacky Bruce!
Bruce? Talk, Bruce. Hello?
- Talk, honey. Talk.
- What's going on?
- We got a Walt Disney. - He's frozen
solid. - We may not have audio. Check.
- We may be having a bit of technical difficulty.
- Feed's good, Jack.
Move. Come on. Come on. Come
on. Talk, Bruce, damn it!
- All right. Get ready to pull the plug.
- Come on, baby. Say something.
- Say something.
- Bruce, talk.
- Hi, Susan.
- Oh, thank you, God.
Bruce Nolan here aboard the Maid of
the Mist in fabulous Niagara Falls.
First off, let me just add another
congratulations to Evan Backstabber...
Pardon me. Bastard. Baxter, rather. It is
good to see what someone with talent can do...
when great opportunities are given to
them instead of me. [Chuckles Nervously]
Anyway, I'm here with
Katharine Hepburn's mom.
Tell me. Why did you throw the blue Heart of
the Ocean jewel over the railing of the Titanic?
Did you feel bad at all letting Leo DiCaprio
drown while you were safe, floating on the door?
Could you have taken turns, or were you just
too afraid to freeze your big, fat ass off?
- [Gasps]
- Hmm. I guess that's how life is, isn't it?
Some people are drenched, freezing
to death on a stupid boat...
with a stupid hat, while others are in a
comfy news studio, suckin' up all the glory.
- Oh, well. No big deal.
- [Man] Oh, boy.
Oh, look. It's the owner
of the Maid of the Mist.
Let's have a talk with him, shall we?
Come on in here, Bill. That's all right.
No, no, no, no. No, no.
Come on. Let's have a talk.
Come on. What are you doing?
Bill, you've been running the Maid
of the Mist for 23 years now. Tell me.
Why do you think I didn't get the anchor
job? Hey, man. I don't want problems.
Is it my hair, Bill? Are
my teeth not white enough?
Or like the great falls,
is the bedrock of my life...
eroding beneath me?
Eroding! Eroding! Eroding!
[Blabbering Incoherently]
Cut the feed. Go to black.
Go to black. I'm on it.
I'm Bruce Nolan for Eyewitness
News. Back to you, fuckers!
- [All Groaning] -
Oh, boy. - Oh, my God.
[Grunting]
That is perfect. That is
the motivation that I needed!
Right there! Thank you.
Thank you, W.K.B.W.!
Wimpy Kitty Baby Whiners!
That's what that stands for!
I'll see you on Channel 5,
where they do the real news.
- [Taunting]
- Do I look blind to you? Do I look blind to you?
- Hey.
- Let's go, man. Come on. Let's go.
What are you doing over there?
Come on. Leave the poor guy alone.
You okay, man?
Yeah, you'd better keep walkin'.
What? What'd you say, ese?
Run, man! Run! Oh, God!
Okay, okay, okay.! I didn't
mean it.! I was just kiddin'!
Hey, you forgot your things.
[All Laughing] [Mock Crying]
Say somethin' to that. Say somethin'.
[Crash] [Chattering]
B-E-A...
utiful.
[Groans] That's what I get...
[Laughs Ruefully] That's what I
get for trying to help someone.
Oh, don't look at me, Walter.
Oh, no.!
[Groans] Well, that's
my payment, I guess.
That... That is my reward.
Just? Just get a clue!
[Grace] Thank God you're all right.
[Bruce] Yeah. Let's thank God.
For his blessings are
raining down upon me.
- Wait! That's not rain!
- Bruce, please don't do that, honey.
You know that everything
happens for a reason.
That I don't need. That is a
cliche. That is not helpful to me.
[Faux Southern Accent] A bird in
the hand is worth two in the bush.
I have no bird. I have no bush.
God has taken my bird and my bush.
Oh, I see. So God is picking on
you, is that what you're saying?
No. He's ignoring me completely.
- He's far too busy giving Evan everything he wants.
- [Liquid Running]
Oh, that's great, Sam, but you
missed your target. I'm over here.!
Don't get mad at the dog.
It's not the dog's fault.
No. It's God's fault. I gave
him the wrong coordinates.
All right. You know what? Enough. All
right? Will you stop being such a martyr?
I am not being a martyr. I'm a victim.
God is a mean kid sitting on an anthill
with a magnifying glass, and I'm the ant.
He could fix my life in
five minutes if he wanted to,
but he'd rather burn off my
feelers and watch me squirm!
Sweetheart, I know you're
mad. It's understandable.
What Evan did is slimy and wrong,
but this day could've
been so much worse.
I'm just glad you're okay.
Okay? News flash! I'm not okay.
I'm not okay with a mediocre job! I'm
not okay with a mediocre apartment.
I'm not okay with a mediocre life!
So is that what you think
that we have? A mediocre life?
- Don't make this about you.
- About me? How could I make this about me?
It's about you! It's always about you!
Perfect. Perfect.
I'll have the worst day of my life
with a side order of guilt, please!
[Door Slams] [Sniffles] Oh.
[Bruce] Okay, God. You
want me to talk to you?
Then talk back. Tell me what's going on.
What should I do? Give me a signal.
Oh, I need your guidance,
Lord. Please send me a sign.
Ah, what's this joker doin' now?
Okay. All right. I'll try it your way.
All right. Lord, I need a miracle.
I'm desperate. I need your help, Lord.
Please reach into my life. Hey! [Groans]
What the he... [Groaning] I got ya!
Ha-ha!
[Screams, Groans]
[Moaning] [Engine Rattling]
[Gasping] [Engine Stops]
Hey!
[Chuckles Skeptically]
[Growls]
Fine.! The gloves are off, pal.!
Come on! Let me see a little wrath.
Smite me, O mighty smiter!
You're the one who should be fired!
The only one around here
not doing his job is you!
Answer me!
[Pager Beeping] [Sighs]
[Beeping Continues]
[Beeping Stops] Sorry. Don't know ya.
Wouldn't call you if I did.
Ohh. [Groans]
[Beeping]
[Beeping Continues]
Oh, God. Ohh. [Grunts]
Hello
[Sighs]
- [Liquid Running]
- Oh, no.!
Sam, this has gotta stop. [Groaning]
All right. Now, get it straight here.
That's the house. This is
the bathroom. House. Bathroom.
Bathroom. House. House.
Bathroom. Bathroom. House.
- [Growls]
- What's the point?
[Beeping] [Sighs]
[Beeping Continues]
[Numbers Beeping]
[Line Ringing]
[Man On Recording] Denied that
promotion at work? Is life unfair?
Is there someone less talented
than you reaping all the benefits?
Is your name Bruce? Then
do we have the job for you.
We're located at 7725623rd Street.
So come on down, or we'll
just keep beeping you.
"Omni Presents."
Oh, yeah. The glass is half full.
Oh, geez! [Yells]
Come on! Look! What is that?
What is that?
Ah, geez! Thank you. Thank you again.
What the...
You're looking for Room 7.
Yeah. I figured.
You want me to even those up for you?
[Chuckles, Stops] How
do I get to Room 7?
That'll be on the seventh floor.
Stairs are right over there.
- I'd rather take the elevator.
- Out of order.
I love the stairs though.
They were my second choice.
Do you mind giving me
a hand with this floor?
What? [Guffaws] That's good.
Are you serious? Oh,
uh, I'm kind of busy.
- Um, rain check.
- I'll hold you to it.
I'm free on the seventh at 7:00.
Seventh at 7:00 it is.
[Panting] This looks promising.
[Clanking]
[Clanking Continues]
Hello? Another "hugantic,"
"ginormic" waste of my life.
Hello?
Yo! I'm lookin' for whoever runs
this joint. [Man] Be right with you.
I'm trying to fix a light.
Tell me if it's working.
Yeah. Seems to be.
Kind ofbright, though.
Yeah. It is for most people.
Spend their lives in the
dark trying to hide from me.
Oh, the elevator's broken, huh?
Yeah, but I'll get around to it.
You install the Clapper? No,
but catchy jingle, isn't it?
[Laughs] "Clap on, clap off"
"Clap on, clap off the Clapper"
Just can't get it out of my head.
Good luck with that. I'm gonna go now.
Okay. But the boss'll be right out.
You must be Bruce.
I've been expecting you.
This is hilarious. So you're the boss
and the electrician and the janitor?
Must be a killer Christmas party.
Don't get drunk, though. [Chuckles]
One of you might need a ride home.
[Laughs] [Laughs Hysterically]
You always were funny,
Bruce, just like your father.
He didn't mind rolling up
his sleeves, either, son.
People underestimate the
benefit of good old manual labor.
There's freedom in it. Some of
the happiest people in the world...
go home smelling to high
heaven at the end of the day.
All right. What is this?
How do you know my father, and
how did you get my pager number?
Oh, I know quite a
lot about you, Bruce...
just about everything there is to know.
Everything you've ever said or
done or thought about doing...
right there in that file cabinet.
[Bruce] Wow. A whole drawer just for me.
Yeah. Mind if I take a look?
It's your life. This oughta be good.
[Screams]
[Bruce Wheezes]
Now, this last entry
was a little disturbing.
[Screams]
- [Grunts, Groans]
- "The gloves are off, God."
"God has taken my bird and my bush."
[Continues Groaning] "God is a
mean kid with a magnifying glass."
"Smite me, O mighty smiter!"
Now, I'm not much for blaspheming,
but that last one made me laugh.
Are you spying on me?
- Who are you?
- I'm the one.
- Huh?
- Creator of the heavens and the earth, alpha and omega.
Oh, I see where this is going.
Bruce, I'm God.
Bingo! Yahtzee! Is
that your final answer?
Our survey says, "God!"
Bing, bing, bing, bing, bing!
Well, it was nice to meet you,
God. Thank you for the Grand Canyon,
and good luck with the apocalypse.
Oh, and by the way, you suck!
You know what would've been a
little more impressive, though?
If you hadn't used the
cheesy file cabinet illusion.
Anybody with a brain stem
can tell that that drawer...
is being fed through the
wall from the other side.
All you have to do is find
the crease, right around here.
There is a seam here...
or a hollow spot.
[Solid Thud]
Where? Through the drywall and concrete?
[Gasping] Okay. That is a
good one. That is a good one.
- Okay. How many fingers am I holding up?
- Now, Bruce.
Thou shalt not tempt the Lord... Hey,
if you can't do it, man, that's cool.
Three. Two. Four. Nine. Six.
Eight. One.
Okay. How many now?
- Seven.
- Aha!
[Yelps]
[Gasps] You've been doing a lot
of complaining about me, Bruce.
And quite frankly, I'm tired
of it. Wait. Don't come near me.
When I'm backed into a
corner, I'm like a wild animal.
I don't wanna hurt you, but I will, out
of instinct. You haven't won a fight...
since grade five, and
that was against a girl.
Yeah, but she was huge.
She had been held back.
And the sun was in your
eyes. Oh, there you go.
In a way, I brought you
here to offer you a job.
Job? What job? My job.
You think you can do it
better, so here's your chance.
When you leave this building, you
will be endowed with all my powers.
[Scoffs] Whatever you say, pal.
Okay. That did not happen, and
no one needs to hear about it.
I'm deleting the program.
[Mimics Computer Beep]
No. No. I'm having a
breakdown, that's what it is.
Normal, everyday psychotic episode
caused by a tumor or brain lesion.
[Engine Whining] Come on. Start!
[Engine Revs] That was lucky.
Come on, man. Calm down. You did not
meet God; you do not have his powers.
[Chuckles] If that was God, then
I'm Clint Eastwood. [Gunshot]
Holy hell! [Tires Screeching]
[Gasps, Sighs]
Be careful what you wish for, punk.
No. Uh-uh! No. No.
I am a reasonable, sane
human being with a.44 Magnum,
the most powerful handgun
in the wo... [Shrieks]
I'm not Clint Eastwood. I'm Bruce Nolan.
Bruce Nolan. I'm Bruce No-lan!
[Chattering]
Oh, it's not real. It's not real.
Coffee? [Gasps] Yeah. Uh, coffee. Yeah.
We have a special on soup today.
No. That's fine. Thank you.
It's tomato. I made it myself.
Okay. Okay.
[Exhales]
[Gasps]
[Exclaims]
[Mock Sneezes]
Excuse me. I need a sp... [Gulps]
It's okay. I found one.
[Groans] Here's your soup.
Oh, soup. Right. Uh, yeah. Right.
"[Ominous Vocalizing]
"[Exultant Vocalizing]
[Doorbell Rings]
Having fun? [Screams]
[Gasps] Thy... Thou... "[Stops]
Come. Take a closer walk with me.
- [God] Let me explain the rules.
- Rules?
Yeah. You left in such a rush,
I didn't get a chance to explain.
Two extra fingers freaked
me out a little bit.
I just figured I'd get your attention.
I did the same thing to Gandhi;
he didn't eat for three weeks.
[Chuckles Haltingly]
Anyway, here's the deal.
You have all my powers.
Use them any way you choose.
There are only two rules. You
can't tell anybody you're God.
Believe me, you don't want
that kind of attention. [Grunts]
And you can't mess with free will.
Uh-huh. Can I ask why?
Yes, you can! That's the beauty of it!
[Seagull Cawing]
[Bruce] This is amazing.
Speaking of amazing... Excuse me.
Oh.
Holy sh... cow.
Since you're through with
these, I think I'll keep 'em.
Might come in handy someday.
[Bell Clanks] See you around, kid.
- Where you going?
- I'm taking a vacation.
God doesn't take vacations,
does he? Do... ye?
Did you ever hear of the Dark
Ages? Besides, I'm covered.
You can clear everything up in
five minutes if you want to, right?
Ciao.
[Bell Clanks]
[Screeches, Pants]
[Snickers]
[Lip-Synching] "I've
got the power" Boom!
"I've got the power" [Screeches]
And he saw that it was good.
"I've got the power"
- Whoa.
- "[Vocalizing]
"[Vocalizing Continues] "Gettin,
gettin' gettin'kind ofheavy"
"Gettin, gettin' gettin'kind ofheavy"
- [Chattering]
- "I've got the power"
B-E-A-utiful.
[Blows]
- Hey. Check it out. Check it out.
- Hey. Check it out.
Oh, look. It's the
hero. What's up, homie?
Yo, brethren, what up with
thee? Blessings on your alley.
Looking for another can of whoop-ass?
- You didn't get enough, Mr. Hero?
- He wants some more.
Surely I say unto you dudes,
I do not wish to fight.
So as soon as you apologize and make a
full reckoning of your transgressions,
I shall absolve you and continue
along the path of righteousness.
- [All Laughing Hysterically]
- What are you talkin' about, man?
Straight up. You talk kind of
funny, you know what I mean?
I don't know if you've lost it all up in
here or what, but check this out, homie.
You want me and the homies
to apologize, right? Mm-hmm.
Cool. Tell you what. We'll apologize
the day a monkey comes out of my butt.
Then you get your
"sorry." How 'bout that?
What a coincidence, because
that's today. [Yells]
- [Grunting]
- [Indistinct]
[Strangled Gurgling]
[Youth] Oh.!
[Screeching]
- [Monkey Chittering]
- Hey, did that monkey just come out your crack, man?
- Ohh.
- [Speaking In Spanish]
This is some voodoo
shit, man. Let's go.!
- Are you guys leavin'?
- [Exclaiming In Spanish]
Hey, don't forget your parting gifts!
[Kids Yelling]
[Gulps]
- [Chittering]
- [Snickering]
[Continues Chittering]
Hey, little anal-dwelling butt monkey.
Time for you to go home, little buddy.
[Chitters]
- [Screeches, Chitters]
- No!
[Screams] No.! [Screams]
I am Bruce Almighty!
My will be done! [Thunderclaps]
[Bruce] "What if God was one of us"
"Just a slob like one of us"
"Just a stranger on a bus"
"Tryin'to make his way"
[Operatic] "Home"
My God. You can call me Bruce.
What happened to you? You seem so...
happy.
Why shouldn't I be... on
a night like this? Wow.
Those are amazing. What are
these? They're a new breed.
Cross-pollination between
tulips and daisies.
I call them tu-daisies.
Okay.
Honey, these flowers are really
beautiful, but last night...
Last night, I was only human.
- Barry, help me out here.
- " [Instrumental]
[Barry White Sighs]
"Oh, baby"
"Oh, baby" "Yeah, I'll be here"
"Forever and ever
yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah"
"I'll see you through"
"Makin'love to you right
now That's all I wanna do"
"'Cause I found"
"What the world is searchin'for"
"For someonejust like you
make me feel the way you do"
"Never, never gonna give you up"
"I'm never, ever gonna stop"
"Not the way I feel about you"
"Girl, I just can't live without you"
Honey. Hi. Wow. [Gasps]
I've never seen the moon that big! Yeah.
"Oh, baby" We really shouldn't waste it.
Ohh. [Moans, Gasps]
Ohh. [Moaning]
Bedroom? Five minutes.
"[Tempo ChangeRock]
"[Man Scatting]
"Right about now funk soul
brother" Let there be light.
[Blows]
- "Right about now"
- I'll be out in a minute.
- "Funk soul brother Check it out now"
- Don't rush yourself.
Sometimes anticipation
can heighten the pleas-ure.
[Growls] Oh, God! Oh!
[Gasps, Chuckles] It's a
funny thing about pleasure.
Wow. It can be quite...
[Loudly] pleasurable.!
[Gasping, Whooping]
Oh, my God! [Pants]
- Pleasurable.
- Oh, God! [Gasping]
[Continues Gasping] Oh, God!
Pleasurable. Pleasurable.
- [Panting]
- [Growling]
- [Roars]
- [Cacophony]
In international news, Japanese relief
workers are staging a desperate effort...
to rescue hundreds of people stranded by
a freak tidal wave that hit Kitamoto City.
Scientists say the tsunami may have
been caused by what they're describing...
as unusual lunar activity.
More on this as it develops.
[Overlapping Voices]
[Girl] Please bless my mommy, my
daddy and especially my little sister.
[Man] Please help me, Lord.
Please get me through this.
[Overlapping Voices
Continue, Indistinct]
[Man] All I'm asking
is would you help me?
[Girl] Thank you for everything
else in my life. Amen.
- [Dog Growls]
- Sam.!
[Panting]
[Groans] [Urinating]
- [Toilet Flushing]
- Good boy.
Ah... Forget something?
Hmm.
Good boy. There are
girls in the house, huh?
[Gasps, Shrieks]
Morning. Morning!
I made you grilled
cheese. Ooh, my favey!
- Honey, last night was just...
- Heavenly? I know. I know.
I mean, I woke up this morning, and
I felt like my boobs were bigger.
Ohh. I mean, do they look bigger to you?
Uh, what? Your, um, hmm? No. Uh...
- Bigger?
- Oh, come on.! Look at them.!
Please. They are definitely bigger.
I mean, look. They feel huge.
Well, listen, I, uh, have to go,
but this has been the
breast bek... breast...
Thank you. Where are you going?
To get my job back.
"Yeah, yeah"
"I am great Yeah, yeah"
"I am..." Good grief.
Is that what I'm drivin'?
[Growls]
[Engine Rewing]
Whoa. Nice car, man.
Yeah. It gets me from "A" to "B."
"[Car StereoRock]
Oh, darn. All this horsepower
and no room to gallop.
- [Engine Revving] -
Heigh-ho, Silver, away!
[Shouting, Indistinct] [Dog Growling]
I certainly wouldn't want to be
a fugitive on the run with Hank,
Buffalo's number-one
police dog on the job.
This is Phil Sidleman reporting from
the Police Canine Training Center,
Channel 5 News.
- And cut it.
- "[Whistling]
"[Continues Whistling] Hey-Hey!
Look what the cat coughed up!
Channel 7, right? You're the guy
that went crazy? I had a bad moment.
What are you doing here?
Just looking for a story.
There's no story here.
This pond is all fished out.
Pretty standard stuff
anyway. I don't know.
My instinct tells me there's something
more. Yeah? Well, go with that.
It served you well in the past, right?
- [Dog Barks] -
[Officer] Mm-hmm.
- [Barks]
- Hey! Hank found something!
Hey, we got a body! Over here!
Get the camera! Now!
- It's locked, and the keys are inside!
- I guess every dog has his day.
Hey, kid. You wanna make 10 bucks?
You know how to use one of these?
Duh. [Imitates Trumpet Notes]
Seems to be in tune. Let's do this.
The body ofJimmy Hoffa was
uncovered in a field today...
outside of a canine training
center in Buffalo, New York.
Bruce Nolan was the first on the
scene. [Bruce] Thank you, Jane.
As you can see behind us, the
body is being carefully exhumed...
and will be transported
to a medical facility,
where D.N.A. Testing
can confirm the identity.
That, however, merely a
formality at this point,
as in a bizarre twist, the body was
found buried with a birth certificate...
and complete set of dental records.
I'd call that a red-letter day for any K-9
unit, but was that enough for old Hank here?
No, sirree. Moments later, he
busted a local news camera crew...
[Barking] With 220 pounds of marijuana.
I never saw it before, I
swear! [Police Radio Chatter]
I'm Bruce Nolan, and that's
the way the cookie crumbles.
[Applause, Cheering]
Yeah! Did you like that?
[Whooping] Yes. Thank you. Thank you.
Hi, Bruce. Oh, hi, Susan.
Good work. I'm impressed.
- Jack, did you need me for something?
- Bruce! Bruce!
Just the man I wanna see. Hey.
Hoffa? What are the odds of
that? What are the odds of that?
Bruce, why don't you sit down? Okay.
I'm gonna be straight with
you. We want you back, Bruce.
But I want you to understand it
was not my decision to let you go.
When the big guy gives the order,
you gotta... No harm, no foul, Jack.
I needed some time to reassess my goals
and get in touch with my true self.
You did that in a day? Imagine
what I could do with seven.
[Chuckles] [Laughs Facetiously]
Look, Bruce. It is not in
my power to give you anchor.
Now, as far as field reporting
goes, if you're looking for a bump...
Jack, let's just cut the crap
and get down to brass tacks here.
[Laughing] I'm kidding
with you, and you...
I had you going, Jackie. Don't
even worry about it, old friend.
You just give me a camera,
Jack; I'll give you the news.
"A little less conversation a
little more action" [Toilet Flushing]
- [Snorts]
- "All this aggravation ain't "satisfactioning"me "
[Woman] My secret is that I
let thejalapenos marinate...
in a spicy sauce for at least 24
hours before I stir it into the chili.
Then I let it all come to a
simmer b... Oh! [People Screaming]
Hold that thought, Hazel! It seems as if
an asteroid or some kind of meteorite...
has just hit ground right outside
the Mark Twain Chili Cook-Off.
This should certainly
spice things up a bit.
- His stories are all over town.
- From unearthing Jimmy Hoffa...
To a meteor crashing to earth...
Bruce Nolan is rapidly
becoming known as...
"Yeah a little less conversation
a little more action"
- "All this conversation ain't "satisfactioning"me "
- [Gasps]
- [Barking]
- "A little more bite and a little more bark"
"A little less fight and a little
more spark" "[Continues, Indistinct]
And that's the way the cookie crumbles!
"[Fades] [Both Moaning]
[Groaning] Was this
Bruce's idea? Uh-huh.
He said he wanted me to have a day
of beauty and luxurious serenity.
- [Grunts]
- I gotta tell you. He is really impressing me lately.
You know where he's taking
me to dinner tonight?
Hmm. Where?
- The Blue
Palm? - Mm-hmm.
- Oh, my gosh. I just got chills.
- I know.
And he told me to prepare for the most
memorable night of our entire lives.
Oh, my gosh. Grace, he's gonna propose.
Stop it. No. Really?
Yeah. Really. Come on. You do the math.
He sends you all day to a beauty spa. He's
taking you to the most romantic restaurant,
where you had your first date.
You know, I never thought I'd say this,
but Bruce is right. This is your big night.
Relax and enjoy it. Oh, God.
[Bone Crunches] Ow. Ow.
"[Newscast Theme Song]
[Announcer] Welcome to Eyewitness
News at 6:00 with Susan Ortega,
Evan Baxter, Fred Donohue...
sports, Dallas Coleman... weather.
And now, Buffalo's
number-one news team.
Good evening, and welcome to Eyewitness
News at 6:00. I'm Susan Ortega.
And I'm Evan Baxter, and
here's what's making news.
A potential scandal with the
Buffalo P.D. Surfaced today...
when the mayor...
[Stutters, Screeches, Coughs]
[High-Pitched Gibberish]
[Clears Throat, Continues
In High-Pitched Tone]
- I'm sorry. I'm seem to have something stuck in my...
- Somebody get him some water.
[Clears Throat] Looks like my new
coanchor may need a glass of water.
[Laughs Like Hyena, Clears Throat]
Oh. There we go. Sorry
about that. [Clears Throat]
In other news, the prime minister
of Sweden visited Washington today,
and my tiny little
nipples went to France.
What did he just say?
Check the prompter.
- The prompter's fine.
- Evan, read the copy, please. The copy's good. Just read it.
The White House reception committee
greeted the prime rib roast minister,
and I do the cha-cha like a sissy girl.
- [Snickering] - I
"lika"do the cha-cha.
I'm sorry. We seem to be having
some technical difficulties.
- In other news...
- [Flatulence]
[Extra-Loud Flatulence]
[Clears Throat] My apologies.
[Continues Clearing Throat]
[Angry Gibberish]
[Sniffs, Clears Throat,
Speaks Angry Gibberish]
[Gibberish Continues]
[Gibberish]
[Gibberish] Doo-doo,
caca, poo-poo.
[Gibberish] Pee-pee.! [Grunts]
[Gibberish, Laughs]
"[Piano]
"If I ruled the world"
"Every day would be
the first day of spring"
"Every heart would
have a new song to sing"
- [Cork Pops]
- "And we'd sing"
"Of thejoy every morning would bring"
"If I ruled the world"
"Every man would be as free as a bird"
May I? Thank you. Certainly.
"Every voice would be
a voice to be heard"
[Smacking Lips] It's
perfect. She'll love it.
"We would treasure each day that occurs"
You know, uh, "[Continues]
I was gonna, uh... I was gonna
wait until after the meal,
but it's gonna burst out of me
like an alien if I don't do it now.
Oh, God. Oh, my God. Okay.
This is it, isn't it?
I don't know. I don't
know if I'm ready for this.
I mean, I'm ready for this.
I just don't know if I would...
I didn't think I would
have... I'm sorry. Go on.
I didn't know this was
so important to you.
Me neither. Me neither.
Oh. "[Continues]
Grace. Yes.
Grace. Yes.
[Giggles]
I got anchor.
[Sobbing] Yes.
Apparently, it wasn't
working out with Evan,
so he's gonna finish out the
week, and I go live on Monday.
That's great, honey. That's
great. I know. I know.
Wow.
So that's what this is all about?
Well, yeah. Yeah.
Grace, we got anchor. Jack's
throwing me a party Friday night...
at the Vanderbilt estate to celebrate.
What's the matter? Nothing.
[Overlapping Voices] [Girl]
Now I lay me down to sleep.
I pray the Lord my soul to keep.
Oh, I feel so stupid. I feel stupid.
Wow, it is kinda loud in here, isn't it?
- No, it's not loud.
- Geez, can you keep it down to a dull roar?
What are you... Thank you.
[Grace] Is that supposed to be funny? 'Cause
that is not funny. If I should die before I wake,
I pray the Lord my soul to
take. What are you saying?
What is wrong with you? Stop
yelling! [Overlapping Voices Continue]
Uh, would you excuse me?
I think I'll take a little trip to
the, um... [Overlapping Voices Continue]
[Yelling] The wine is
going right through me.
I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I'm sorry.
Keep going, Tony! You're great! Oh, God.
[Overlapping Voices Continue]
What is going on here? Oh, what is this?
Give me a break!
Really something, isn't it?
Is this heaven?
No, this is Mount Everest.
You should flip on the Discovery
Channel from time to time.
But I guess you can't
now, being dead and all.
I'm dead?
Nah, I'm just messin' with you.
That's not funny, man. That
is not funny! [Laughing]
Okay.
And what about the voices in my head?
Is that part of the hilarity?
No, those are prayers.
And you keep ignoring them, they're
gonna build up on you like that.
But it's just noise. I
can't understand them.
Well, you're not listening, son.
Let's see.
You've had my powers for
a little over a week now.
How many people have you helped?
L-I took care of a few things. I righted
a few wrongs in my own life first, okay?
I was gonna help the others.
I think I could help the
world. Mm-hmm. The world?
That wasn't the world.
That was just Buffalo between
57 th Street and Commonwealth.
Oh.
I didn't want to start you off
with more than you could handle.
Well, you took the job, Bruce,
so I suggest you get to it.
[Girl's Voice] Seeing him
smile would make me so happy.
Prayers, prayers. Okay, prayers. Oh!
[Overlapping Voices] This
creepy whisper thing has to end.
Organization and
management is what I need.
I need a system. Something concrete.
Concentrate!
Files.
Let all prayers be organized into files.
[Voices Stop]
Well, that takes care of the voices.
Not exactly a space saver though.
Grace might notice.
I know. Prayer Post-Its!
[Dog Barks]
Shh!
Okay, I need something with a lock,
security, combination, a password.
A password.
[Man] "Yahweh"
[Computer Voice] You've got prayers.
Welcome to the revelation superhighway.
We bless. No mess. Downloading now.
[Laughs] It's good. It's good.
This is gonna take a while.
[Birds Chirping]
[Grunts, Groans]
1,527,503 prayer requests?
I'd better manifest some coffee.
- [Knocking]
- Hola, Juan Valdez.
Buenos dias. Buenos dias.
Disfrute un buen cafe. Gracias, senor.
Adios. [Burro Brays]
- Adios.
- [Barks]
Ah! Now, that's fresh mountain-grown
coffee from the hills of Colombia.
[Beeping]
[Burps] It's good.
It's good!
Okay, I had to have made some
kind of a dent by now. [Beeping]
Oh, come on! [Sighs]
What a bunch of whiners. This
is gonna suck up my whole life.
[Sighs] You know what?
Yes to all! [Laughs]
Yeah, there ya go.
Now everybody's happy.
"[Rock]
I'll drink to that. My tech
stocks tripled in five days.
You know something, Joe?
You seem taller. I am.
My daughter pitched a no-hitter.
I lost 47 pounds on
the Krispy Kreme diet.
Hey, there he is, the man of the hour!
Bless you. Bless all of you.
Be fruitful and do long
division or something.
Hey, try that. It's an excellent year.
Hey, Bruce. Who do you like
in the game tonight? Hey.
I like the Sabres.
Coach prays a lot. Okay.
"[Continues]
"And I hear it in the windy storm"
"And I feel it in the icy dawn"
"God gave me everything
I want, now, come on"
"I'll give it all to you, babe"
"God gave me everything
I want" [Phone Ringing]
[Bruce On Recording] Hey, this is
Bruce, Grace and Sam. Leave a message.
[Beeps] [Bruce] Grace, are you there?
Hello. It's me.
Hello? Hello, hello,
hello, hello, hello.
Come on, Grace. Come to the party.
I'll call you later, okay? [Beeps]
[Whines]
Come on, Sam. "[Continues]
Help me out here.
[Growls] [TV] Nature's not doing it.
- What'd you wish when you...
- Oh, Sam, don't.! Come on.!
Come on. Tell me. If I told
you, it might not come true.
What is it you want,
Mary? What do you want?
You... You want the moon?
Just say the word, and I'll throw
a lasso around it and pull it down.
Hey, that's a pretty good idea.
I'll give you the moon,
Mary. I'll take it.
[Sam Barks] [Mary] Then what?
[George] Well, then you could swallow
it, and it'll all dissolve, see?
The moonbeams would shoot out of
your fingers and your toes... [Whines]
And the ends of your hair.
[Chattering]
[Line Ringing]
[Beeps] Hey, this is
Bruce, Grace and Sam...
[Susan] Hi, Bruce.
What are you doing in here all alone?
Oh, I was just gonna...
Oh, uh, I mean...
I was gonna, uh, give Grace a call.
Yeah, I didn't see her in there.
So, how are you and Grace doing?
Well, actually, we
had a-a bit of a fight.
Kind of... I'm not
sure if she's... [Sighs]
You're on fire, Bruce. Hmm?
Some women can't handle the fire.
Some can.
That's interesting, 'cause,
you know, I never thought...
we would ever talk. [Moaning]
Mm-mm. [Moans]
Mm-mm. Mm-mm. Mm-mm.
Mmm.
- Grace!
- [Gasps]
Aah!
"Everything so confusing" You
might wanna stop touching me.
Now isn't a good time. Grace!
"Maybe I'm just out of my mind"
Grace! Grace, come here!
Grace, this is so weird.
I was just calling you.
Oh, yeah. What? And you thought,
like, Susan's mouth was the phone?
L... She kissed me. I didn't...
I'm the "kissee." Grace...
Oh, please. Yeah, you were
putting up a really big fight.
I tried to fight her off. I tried
to stop her, but she's really strong.
Okay, I screwed up.
Can I make it up to you?
Yeah! Why don't you,
uh, get me a boat, Bruce.
What? Yeah, a big boat.
And then maybe two big bags of
cash. Then... Then I'll be happy.
Lots of money and lots of stuff.
Other people want idiotic
crap like getting married...
or having babies with the man
that they've loved for five years.
But not me, Bruce. Just gimme the boat.
No wonder you stayed single!
Oh! Grace, don't do
this! I'm not doing this.
I'm undoing it. I'll be at Debbie's.
You take care of Sam until
I can make arrangements.
[Tires Squeal]
You can't leave me.
I'm the alpha, lady!
I'm the omega, baby!
Okay, fine. I don't need you.
What's the matter, Bruce? She
can't handle a little competition?
The game's been called
on account of rain.
[Yelling, Screaming]
An unusually high number
oflottery winners...
has New York officials concerned.
So far, 1, 100 winning
tickets have been turned in,
all strangely from the Buffalo area.
More on this story as it develops.
- [Electricity Arcing]
- [God] Enjoying your party?
Nothing like spending quality
time with great friends, huh?
[Scoffs] Grace left me.
Yeah, I know.
She'll take me back.
She'll take me back, right?
Would you take you back?
Oh.
How do you make somebody love
you without affecting free will?
[Scoffs] Welcome to my world, son.
You come up with an answer
to that one, you let me know.
[Alarm Beeping] [Man On
Radio] Rise and shine, Buffalo.
It's 70 and sunny, and the
perfect day to forgive Bruce.
"I don't know much"
"But I know I love you"
Bye. Have fun. You got it.
"Every point of view has another angle"
"And every angle has its merit"
"And do you ever feel"
"That there is something missing"
"There's a God-shaped
hole in all of us"
"And the restless soul is searching" Hi.
- Can I get a small coffee to go?
- Sure, hon. Just a sec.
[Man On TV] K-Tel Records brings you
the 100 greatest love songs of all time.
You'll hear such classics
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Order today and we'll throw
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Just dial 1-900-4GIVHIM.
That's 1-900-4GIVHIM. Do it now.
"Do you ever feel"
"That there is something missing"
"There's a God-shaped
hole in all of us"
"And the restless soul is searching"
"There's a God-shaped
hole in all of us"
"And it's a void only he can fill"
Oh, no, no, no. Honey, no. Oh, gosh,
please don't put that in your mouth.
We don't eat that. Oh, that's not food.
Go to the bathroom,
please. Wash out your mouth.
Wash off your hands.
God, I swear that kid is
gonna poop an ornament.
[Bruce] One more time, you're
gonna be in a lot of trouble.
[Kids Yelling] All right. That's it!
That's it.! Hi.
I surrender! I surrender! I surrender.
Hi. Hi.
I'm, uh, doing my first anchor tonight.
Oh, wow! That's great!
So how have you been doing? Good.
Yeah? Yeah. Good. Just,
um... Debbie won the lottery.
Oh, yeah? You're kidding.
But I guess so did 400,000 other
people, so she only won, like, $17.
I miss you.
Okay.
I took the first step.
Jumped out on the ledge.
Feeling pretty vulnerable too. I
don't know what you want me to say.
Just say you love me and
you want me back. No, Bruce.
Come on. What about all the signs?
How did you know about
that? Did you talk to Debbie?
Look, would it help if I just
said that I was a complete ass?
- Hey, you said "ass."
- Yeah, but it's okay if I'm talking about a donkey.
- I didn't say "hole." If I said "ass"...
- Wait! Wait!
Okay, you know what, honey?
Let's go. Let's go inside.
All right, kids. Everybody
inside. Time to go inside.
Grace, please,
none of this seems right without you.
[Sighs]
Yeah, I gotta go.
Wait!
Uh...
How do you feel now?
Have you completely lost your mind?
What? Are you drunk? Yeah,
I'm drunk. Drunk with power.
Love me. Love me.
Love me. Love me!
I did.
Yeah, I know... free will. Oh, God.
More power outages reported today...
caused by last week's meteorite strike.
Officials are desperately trying
to repair several transformers...
damaged by the ensuing electrical surge.
The scene nearly turned violent when
hundreds of disgruntled Buffalo residents...
protested last week's lottery results.
And doomsayers are pointing to last
week's strange celestial events...
as signs that prophesy
is now being fulfilled...
and the world as we know
it may be coming to an end.
[TVOff] World's gone mad.
Bruce, 30 seconds to air. Okay. Okay.
There you are. It's your big
debut. How are you feeling?
You know what? Fine. Never better.
Show must go on, right?
[Applause, Cheering]
The Sabres just won the
Stanley Cup. You're kidding me!
Was that tonight?
That's great, isn't it?
It's getting pretty
crazy out there. Uh-huh.
- We're gonna kick live to Fred at the stadium, okay?
- Five seconds to the open.
- This is it. You ready?
- Born that way.
[Announcer] Welcome to Eyewitness
News at 6:00, with Susan Ortega,
Bruce Nolan, Fred Donohue...
sports... Dallas Coleman... weather.
And now, Buffalo's
number-one news team.
I'm Susan Ortega. I'm Bruce Nolan.
And here's what's making news.
What happened? What the
hell happened? We lost power.
Transformer's down again. Oh, geez.
Ever since that damn meteorite hit.
It's okay. We're back up.
We apologize for the interruption.
And now back to the news. Bruce.
Thank you, Susan. I'm sorry.
We're going live to H.S.B.C. Arena,
where the Buffalo Sabres
have won the Stanley Cup.
Great. Fred.
We're about to uncork
some champagne because...
the Sabres have won their
first championship in 22 years!
- [Crash]
- What in the blue blazes...
We'll be back with the Sabres' Stanley
Cup victory in just a hot second.
In other news... Bloody hell!
For the love of God, what is
it now? The whole booth is down.
No, it's not!
In other news, fighting erupted in...
the Gaza Strip today, as
Israelis and Palestinians...
Bruce. We've got a situation here. What?
- They're rioting right outside the station.
- You're kidding.
The whole town has gone crazy.
Come on, Bruce. Say something.
Uh, ladies and gentlemen, this just in.
Possibly...
the biggest breaking news
story this town has ever seen.
And I gotta go.
I'm sorry, Jack.
Susan, it's all yours.
[People Yelling] [Man] Sabres.!
Sabres rule.!
[Man] Repent.! The
end is near.! Repent.!
Come back with my bubble gum machine!
The lottery sucks!
I only won 17 bucks!
[Man] Channel 7 fries.!
Oh! Oh, no!
[Yells]
God?
Are you here?
Hello? I need your help.
Clap on. Clap on.
Clap on! Clap on! Clap on!
Figures!
Well, hello there, Bruce Almighty.
[Laughing]
Not as easy as it looks, is it, son?
- This God business.
- They're all out of control.
It's mayhem. I don't know what to do.
Well, you're right on time... 7:00.
The seventh at 7:00.
All righty then.
There we are. It's good. It's good!
[Chuckles] It's a wonderful thing.
No matter how filthy something gets,
you can always clean it right up.
There were so many, I just
gave them all what they wanted.
Yeah, but since when...
does anyone have a clue
about what they want?
So what do I do?
Parting your soup is not a
miracle, Bruce. It's a magic trick.
A single mom who's working two jobs...
and still finds time to take her kid
to soccer practice, that's a miracle.
A teenager who says no to
drugs and yes to an education,
that's a miracle.
People want me to do
everything for them.
But what they don't realize
is they have the power.
You wanna see a miracle, son?
Be the miracle.
Wait. Are you leaving?
Yeah. I see that you
can handle things now.
But what if I need you.
What if I have questions?
[Laughs] That's your problem,
Bruce. That's everybody's problem.
You keep looking up.
[Male Reporter] Order has
been restored in Buffalo...
after this evening's downtown riot.
State officials have
suspended all lottery sales...
pending further investigation.
No injuries were reported in the
melee; however, there were dozens...
[Fades]
[Car Horns Honking]
"I've gotta be honest I think you know"
"We're covered in lies and that's okay"
Okay. "There's somewhere
beyond this I know"
Well, thanks a million. God
bless. Oh, not a problem.
"Hope I can find the words to say"
- "Never again, no"
- Bruce giveth...
and Bruce taketh away.
If you don't like it, megabyte me.
"'Cause you're a god and I am not"
"And I just thought that you would know"
Evan. Bruce.
"[Continues]
I suppose you're here to gloat
about the anchor position.
Go ahead. Take your best shot.
Actually, I, uh...
I just came to tell you
that I've been a royal prick.
The anchor position is
yours. I turned down the job.
Oh, and I never really
congratulated you in the first place.
Congratulations.
"'Cause you're a god and
I am not" Thanks, Bruce.
In the financial world, things
are settling back to normal...
in what analysts are calling
a fluke market fluctuation.
You made the right move,
Jack. So what about you?
Are you ready to go back out there?
And do the cutesy stuff?
The lighter side of the news?
Lower and debase myself for the
amusement of total strangers?
Yeah, I could do that. Sounds like fun.
Good.
Okay, Sammy, let's do it
right, like all the other dogs.
I don't wanna make you feel bad, but they're
laughing at you. They're laughing at you.
Come on. Concentrate. There you go.
Come on. Pump it out if you have to.
[Sighs] What am I gonna
do with you? [Whining]
I know this seems kinda crazy,
but desperate times...
calls for desperate measures.
Yeah. Okay. Okay, Sammy.
Do your thing.
That's it. That's it. Good boy!
Training my dog.
"'Cause you're a god and I am not"
"And I just thought that you would know"
"You're a god and I am not"
[Whining]
"And I just thought I'd let you go"
Yes, we did it! We did it!
"Bow-wow-wow Yippee-yo, yippee-yay
We're doin'it doggy style"
I'll alert Penthouse Forum.
Hi, Deb. How are you? How's Grace?
I really didn't come to chat, okay,
Bruce? I came for Grace's stuff.
You need, uh...
No, it's okay. I've got it.
I don't, uh... I don't know if she...
I don't know if she wants that or not.
This is full. You did all this?
You know what I do every night
before I go to bed? I tuck my kids in,
maybe have a scoop of
ice cream and watch Conan.
You know what Grace does?
She prays.
Most of the time for you.
[Bruce] Find Grace Connelly.
The woman does pray a lot.
Find Grace, then Bruce.
[Bruce Reading] "Dear God,
please help Bruce find himself,
find contentment, find you."
"Dear God, please help Bruce.
He seems to be struggling."
"Dear God, give Bruce strength."
"Dear God, bless Bruce."
Bruce. Bruce. Bruce. [Beeps]
It's her.
Sammy, it's her. She's logging
on. She's praying right now.
[Whispers] Grace.
[Sobbing] Please, God.
Please. I still love him.
- [Exhales]
- But I don't wanna love him anymore.
I don't wanna hurt anymore. Please.
Help me forget.
Please help me let him go.
Please help me let him go.
[Grace Sniffles]
[Rolling Thunder]
You win!
I'm done!
Please, I don't wanna do this anymore.
I don't wanna be God.
I want you to decide
what's right for me.
I surrender to your will!
Ah! Huh? [Truck Horn Honks]
Am l...
You can't kneel down in the middle of a
highway and live to talk about it, son.
But why? Why now?
Bruce,
you have a divine spark.
You have the gift for bringing
joy and laughter to the world.
I know. I created you.
Quit braggin'. See. That's...
That's what I'm talking about.
That's the spark.
What do you want me to do?
I want you to pray, son.
Go ahead. Use them.
Um...
Lord, feed the hungry.
And bring peace to...
all of mankind.
How's that? Great.
If you wanna be Miss America.
[Chuckles] Now, come on.
What do you really care about?
Grace.
Grace. You want her back?
No.
I want her to be happy.
No matter what that means.
I want her to find someone...
who will treat her...
with all the love...
she deserved from me.
I want her to meet someone...
who will see her always...
as I do now...
through your eyes.
Now, that's a prayer.
Yeah?
Yeah.
It's good. It's good.
[Together] It's good!
I'm gonna get right on it.
Clear! Whoa!
That didn't feel very good. Clear!
[Yells] Got a rhythm.
All right. I got a pulse.
All right. Let's set him up.
Yeah. Get the backboard and brace.
[Chattering]
Bruce? Bruce?
Welcome back.
You're lucky to be alive, son.
Someone up there must like you.
[Grace] I hear all that stuff
winds up in a warehouse somewhere.
Grace.
Hi, baby.
Oh. Oh, my God, look at you.
I was such an idiot. It's okay.
It's okay.
It's okay.
I don't know what I would have done.
Oh, God. [Sniffles]
I swear I wanted to
be mad at you forever.
Now you're just showing off.
[Sighs]
[Applause, Cheering]
This is Bruce Nolan here at Buffalo's
First-Annual "Be the Miracle" Blood Drive.
It's a B-E-A-utiful day,
so come on down here.
Because the life you save could be mine.
- [Grace] Ha, ha.
- Let's go over here,
where the Kowolskis have baked a very
special cookie just for this occasion.
Sure, it's a little creepy and a
shameless plug, but we love 'em.
Thank you, Mama. Vol,
finger... lose. [Crowd Laughs]
I, myself, will have given
blood twice this week.
For those of you who haven't heard,
I'd like to introduce you to the
future Mrs. Exclusive... Grace Connelly.
[Applause] There she is.
Look at her! Isn't she beautiful?
Shejust gave blood, and she still
has enough left to fill up her face.
Yes, behind every great man, there's
a woman rolling her eyes, folks.
I'm Bruce Nolan for Eyewitness News,
with all the folks down here at
the blood drive, reminding you to...
[Together] Be the miracle!
You heard 'em.
Okay, cut it. Thank you, Bruce.
Thanks, Ally. Hey.
How was that? That was great.
Yeah? That was really great. Now,
you still have to go over there.
The nurse is waiting. Oh, do I have to?
Oh, it's not gonna hurt. In fact, I
think you'll find it quite pleasurable.
Ooh, baby.
"Are you ready for a miracle"
"Ready as I can be"
"Are you ready for a miracle"
"It's ready to set you free"
"Oh, are you ready Are
you ready" "Ready, ready"
"Are you ready Are you
ready" "Ready, Ready"
"Are you ready for a miracle"
"Oh"
"Are you ready"
"Ready for a miracle"
"Ready, ready Yes, I am"
"Are you ready Are
you ready" "Yes, I am"
"Are you ready for a miracle" "Yes"
Who can take a rainbow,
wrap it in a sigh?
"Soak it in the sun and
make a groovy lemon pie"
Oompah. Loompah.
Doompah. Oh, geez.
[Laughter]
I'm sorry.
I'm a very rare blood
type. I'm A.B. -positive.
Hmm. Sounds delicious. Mm-hmm.
[Laughs] [Hisses]
Yeah, well, there, you know, there
are storehouses all over the world.
You know, all over the...
with... with tons of stuff on ice.
And it's... Sorry. You're like this.
Sorry. Go on. Okay.
Positive. I.B. -positive. Okay, sorry.
I have a "rarey"... Oh!
She has a "rarey." Okay.
Well, they need my blood. I
have a very rare blood type.
I'm A.B. -negative.
I'm I.B. -positive.
Am I A.B. -negative or am l...
I don't know what you are anymore.
I'm gonna need a frickin'
miracle to get to work on time.
Vroom!
[Object Clatters]
[Object Clatters] Shit.
Shit! [Laughter]
That won't work.
Other stories in
the n-n-n-n-n-n...
[Chuckling]
The prime minister of Sweden
visited Washington today.
And in other
n-n-n-n-n-n...
In other... [Yells]
In other news... [Laughs]
[Laughing]
I'm Bruce Nolan for Eyewitness No...
Eyewitness Nose. Okay,
and clear. [Honks]
[Together] Be the miracle.
That's right.