[bell tolling]
[sighs]
They send me to Italy,
I come here.
I should...
You know what I should be doing?
I should be making love
to beautiful Italian models.
But no, they got me in this
bozo van with Itchy and Scratchy
who think goddamn Rocky
was a damn documentary.
You espresso-drinking ass,
Paco Rabanne-smelling motherfucker.
Paco Rabanne
is a Spanish cologne, asshole.
I only use Versace.
Well, you sure
put a lot of it on.
Well, the ladies, they like it.
[scoffs]
Oh! Shit! She is... [grunts]
They make them like that
out here?
Goddamn!
Is that our guy
sucking on her neck?
Still verifying a positive ID.
I can't believe
they made a movie about you.
[scoffs] You call that a movie?
I tried to find it on the Netflix, but
then
I had to download it off The Pirate
Bay.
You know that's illegal, right?
I can take you in for that.
Hey, guys...
I've got a copy of the old
Beats and Rhymes magazine
the movie was based on.
Ha!
"Jack Carter and Archie Moses."
Back in the day.
So, did the criminal you were setting
up really shoot you in the head?
Archie Moses? Yeah.
I got the bullet
and the pain pills to prove it.
God, so you were younger
back then.
Fuck you.
What happened to the guy
who shot you in the head?
Last time I saw him,
I was walking him into jail.
Haven't seen him since.
I think he's living
off the grid now.
So, what's it like
to get shot in the head?
Take a hammer one day when you're
just, you know, not doing anything,
and then you start
slapping your nuts.
- With a hammer?
- Bah!
Just slap your nuts.
Kind of like that.
Hey. Hey, guys.
Positive ID verified. We're a go.
Be cool. Be cool.
Act black.
What?
Act black.
- Black cool.
- Like Samuel L. Jackson.
- Yeah.
- Okay.
[Royal Deluxe's "Bad" plays]
I made the devil run
I gave him poison
Just for fun
I had one friend
Now there's none
I made the devil run
I broke so many bones But
none of them Were ever my own
They were an army I was
alone I broke so many bones
Van den Berg.
- I know you?
- You know me now, bitch.
Jack Carter, DEA.
I've got a nice, free Uber ride
back to the States for you.
Yeah? You're taking me
on an Uber ride?
Get the fuck out of here, man.
Get the fuck...
You get the fuck out of here.
- [Van den Berg laughs]
- [Jack] You get the fuck out...
[Van den Berg] You think
you're busting me tonight?
- [Jack] Do I think I'm bust...
- You think you're busting me?
[Jack] Do I think I'm really
busting your ass?
[chuckles]
Just get rid of him, man.
- He gonna take care of me?
- [Van den Berg] Just take care of him.
I be light work?
I be light work?
Oh! Let me get ready.
If we gonna fight, let me get ready.
[yelping karate noises]
And go!
[gunshot]
I'm bad, I'm bad
As bad can be
Oh, so, so bad
I'm bad
I'm bad as bad can be
[man]
I'm glad you're back, Carter.
Hey, you know what?
That was a tremendous hit in Rome.
But tell me something.
Is it true that
you dropped your sidearm
and it discharged
into the bodyguard's foot?
- Fuck!
- [gunshot]
[shrieks]
He fired on me first.
Oh, oh!
And then you head-butted him,
even though you got
a metal plate in your head.
- It's my signature move.
- Oh! So you
wanted to, what, smash his face like a
melon?
Are you going through
some big-time burnout, Carter?
Is your shit starting to slide?
Is that bullet in your brain
giving you permanent heartburn?
- I'm good to go. I'm good.
- Oh, you good?
Well, good, bueno,
because you are a go.
South Africa. Cape Town.
Leaving on a plane tonight
for the mother city.
- For what?
- Schmidt Syndicate.
Word is that Mexican cartel out of
Jurez
has been searching for a new
source.
I want you to put the Mexicans
into business with the Syndicate
and then we can nail them all!
That's a long way to go
for that small crew.
The Schmidt Syndicate
is running X,
liquid MDMA, Taliban White,
the globe over.
There's one fella that the Mexicans
have heard of, but never met.
Now, you could assume his
identity and slip right on in.
Who?
[upbeat music playing]
Yeah! [howls]
Fuck no!
Fuck yeah!
Fuck no!
Fuck yeah!
Fuck no!
Moses spent some time
in a Mexican jail.
His cell mate was a cartel
lieutenant named Alejandro Velasquez.
They became extremely close.
[Archie]
Come on, man, I love you.
Until someone decided to relieve
Alejandro's body of his head.
Now, there is one other way.
We drag Moses out of retirement
and we put him back into the game.
I wouldn't even know
where to find him.
- He's in Cape Town.
- What the fuck's he doing in Cape Town?
When you get down there,
you can ask him.
It's your call.
Put Moses back into play,
or go it alone.
[boy] Archie Moses.
What kind of name is Archie
for a black guy?
What's your name, son?
It's Little Dig.
Little Dig.
It's 'cause my sister's name
is Big Dig, okay?
Listen, Little Dig. I don't know you,
you
don't know me, so park your fucking
tongue.
Where the fuck
are these Mexicans?
Chill. They'll be here.
One thing's for sure,
we do this thing right,
and it's all blue water
and bungalows from now on.
I'm talking private air strip,
and a plantation house
that'll blow your tits off!
What's it called again,
Little Dig?
- Fuck You Island!
- Yeah, Fuck You Island.
- And it's all Schmidt land now!
- Yeah.
You've come along
at a grand time.
Big moves afoot, boet.
You know, Spyderman, personally,
I'd love to see the American in action,
see how tough he gets
when things get fresh.
'Cause honestly, I smell a puss.
[trilling]
[hip-hop music playing]
Anyone in the mood
for some Mexican?
Let's go get ourselves
some burritos. [laughs]
Para bailar La Bamba
[singing Spanish gibberish]
[laughing]
Hola, hola, hola, hola, amigos!
Qu pas?
Welcome. Thanks for the meet.
My name's Spyder,
Spyder Schmidt.
Who the fuck is this?
I'm the boogeyman.
I set up this day party.
Archie Moses?
Orale! Alejandro told me
stories about you.
Wait a second.
I thought Alejandro told us
Archie Moses was a fucking gringo!
What the fuck!
- Why the fuck aren't you white, boet?
- What?
[Jack] Not a fucking gringo.
- A fucking Negro.
- Negro.
- Negro.
- Fucking Negro, boet.
- Whatever you said.
- I don't know.
If you're Archie Moses,
there's only one way to find out.
Like I said,
he told me stories about you.
I was his right hand.
Alejandro had many right hands.
Many left hands.
He was like a fucking octopus.
Twenty left hands,
20 right hands.
He told me you were
the biggest pussy he ever met.
[man] Oh!
Said he had to take you
under his wing
before the other vatos in the
joint turned your bitch-ass out.
Figured... the crying
would fuck up his sleep.
[man] Yes.
Whoa!
[laughter]
I have to tell you, boet.
You had me fooled, Archie, huh?
Thought I was gonna hit you,
boet, huh?
- Happy?
- I'm happy, boetie. I'm happy.
I'm all fucking Popsicles
and beer right now,
so come, let's make a deal.
We're looking to open up
a pipeline to the fine Taliban...
Yeah, yeah. Before we get there,
let's talk bank cards.
Old Archie here tells me
that you all talked it up.
- Gift cards.
- Aye, gift cards.
And like I told him on the phone,
I'm gonna break you off a side deal,
- as a first-time bonus.
- Aw, shit, man.
That's some real
warm-hearted shit, so bring it.
This is how we move the cash.
Open loop gift cards.
No border guard will even look at these
twice,
all right? I even throw in a
programmer.
There are 2,500,
and they max out at quarter mill each.
Right. Let's do a deal.
Yo, Spyderman.
I believe the price
was 600K, American.
- You believe right, papi.
- [Spyder speaking Spanish]
Do you wanna touch it?
Come, touch it, man.
Touch it. Come have a sniff.
Touch it... No, but hang on,
before you go there...
Look, I don't get to LA
as much as I'd like to anymore.
So I've got these four courtside
at Staples
and I thought, you know,
maybe you okes would like them?
I'd hate for it to go to waste.
Do you guys like it?
You guys would like it?
You would like to have it.
All of you okes
like a bit of bunky-bunky.
What do you guys know
about basketball?
- Don't fuck with me.
- I'm not fucking with you, boet.
I've got it right in here.
Do you want it?
- Who's your favorite player?
- Magic.
He said Magic, boet.
- Well, abra-fucking-cadabra, you scum!
- [man] He's got a fucking gun!
No!
Run, run, run, run!
Archie, get me out of here, man.
What happened to all
that big, dumb big-dick shit?
Fuck!
[hissing]
- Ah, shit!
- [Little Dig] Archie! What?
Oh, shit! We gotta get
the fuck out of here.
- Follow me! Follow me!
- [Little Dig] Please, wait.
- [Jack] Get outta here!
- Archie, I'm scared!
Archie!
You look like you're tired,
you fucking jerk-off!
Okay, now, huh?
You are a pink taco
in a firefight.
[groaning]
What about
the distribution deal?
Dude,
fuck those ass-clowns, man.
I wasn't even gonna come
for their baby shit
until you mentioned
the gift cards.
Now that shit's
pure fucking genius, boet.
Those Mexicans
aren't to be fucked with, man.
Like I said, fuck 'em.
This is Africa, not Tijuana.
You don't get it.
Doesn't matter where you are.
They're the Mexican cartel.
They will find you.
You started a war,
and guess who's gonna die first.
Archie Moses.
Well, then you're just gonna
have to beg for mercy, china.
Hey, chum, relax.
I'm gonna take care of you.
Let's go have a beer. Come on.
When you're dumb, you bleed.
[man] You suffered a gunshot
wound to the head some years back.
This bullet in your brain
is like a time bomb.
Ordinarily, I would like to go in
there and dig the little bugger out,
but given the position it's in,
I'm afraid we might do more harm
than good.
Yeah. We don't wanna
do more harm than good.
- We don't wanna do that.
- No.
Of course there is a chance
it could move on its own.
Another bang to the head might
shift it in the other direction.
So basically what I'm saying is,
this bullet in your brain
could prove fatal.
However, don't worry.
There is a way for us
to keep you chugging along.
Just stay in bed and don't engage
in any physical activity whatsoever.
Look, I don't know
what's going on with me, Doc.
A couple months back,
I was on a stakeout
and I dropped my gun
and my gun shot somebody.
I mean,
it's like my shit's sliding.
- Your shit?
- Yeah, I don't feel the
same. I ain't the same nigga.
Oh! Well, that makes sense,
because the position
that the fragment is in,
that would affect your
equilibrium and your motor skills.
What about sex?
I mean, all I think about
is tacos and pussy.
No. No. No pussy. No tacos.
- No pussy?
- No pussy.
- No tacos?
- No tacos.
Cold showers.
That's the best medicine.
Listen, they got enough gift
cards to ship 625 million.
If they can move their own
money, why would they stay?
Spyder's been talking about this
island they bought in Australia.
I don't think you're gonna stick around
if you're gonna shoot all those people.
No. We are not gonna continue
this shit show.
It's like the sick
fucking the dead with you!
Eight guys being mowed down
in broad daylight is a disaster.
Don't burn this case, man.
Let me finish it.
All right, fine.
You nail this guy
and make us look good.
But you better
watch your ass, Carter,
because if you fuck this up,
I'm gonna pull your badge!
- You got it?
- I got it.
Now you need to worry about the
rest of the real cartel killers.
I'll be fine.
Not you. Archie Moses.
As far as the Mexicans
are concerned,
it was Archie Moses
who set them up.
- Where the fuck is he?
- PinMe your location.
And I'll have one of our operatives
come pick you up and deliver you to him.
There it is.
He's been working as a janitor
here the last six months.
[Jack] "Pinkies Blue Room."
Look, if you want, I can stay.
Nah. I can handle this.
Sure about that?
Last meet went sideways.
Lot of guys died.
Nah, I got this.
This is personal.
Thanks for the lift, though.
Schmidts are a big get.
Finish strong.
Pinkies, huh?
I'm in and out.
Sweeter than honey
From a bumble bee
You sting me every time
I move to the beat
I'm like a freight train
Headed for your candy
Wanna taste it now
Your sweet love shall be mine
Gonna lick it
Like a lollipop
Tastes so good
I'm never gonna stop
Gonna have a little Then a
little more Of my fantasy
Yeah, it's your candy
I want to taste
Your sweet temptation
Your love is my sugar
Your love is so sticky sweet
Your love is my sugar
Your love is all I need
Show me what you got
Show me all of your goods
Come a little closer
And I'll take a look...
[MC] Hey, guys, give it up
for Pinkie on the main stage.
Don't forget to tip
your bartenders.
Thank you.
Drive 110
With no hands on the wheel
And there's no one else
Who's gonna make me stop
You're my candy girl
Till the day I drop
What can I get you, teddy bear?
I'm looking for a friend.
White guy. Tall.
Is he tall but seems small?
- Like a total wussy?
- You mean a pussy?
Uh-uh. Pussies are strong.
Sounds like him. Archie Moses.
Ah! Follow me.
He works gravy mop-up for me.
- Oh, you have a kitchen here?
- [laughs] You're cute.
Oh. Gravy. I get it.
You're quick. Are you a cop?
Are you a criminal?
Sometimes.
[chuckles] I'm a friend.
You a homeowner?
No, I rent. I live in LA.
No, you fucking idiot.
I mean LGBTQ,
'cause, if you are, the men's
bathhouse is down the road.
It's called the Red Blossom.
You think I'm L-G-bar... B...
What is the Q for?
Questioning your sexuality.
The last person who questioned
my sexuality was Alicia Johnson.
- You know what she got?
- What?
- NBD.
- What's that stand for?
Boom, bop, bam, boom shaka-laka.
"Nothing But Dick."
Now, where's Archie?
I think I like you.
- Follow me.
- Hmm...
[MC] Wowza. We're just
getting started up here
with our all-star lineup
of Cape Town beauties...
There he is.
Let me know if you
need anything, teddy bear.
[MC] Make sure to check out Zin
in the birdcage on the upper deck.
And remember, guys,
don't be a schmuck.
Show her that buck.
Slip it in her G-string.
Put it down her top.
Hey, big boy.
Blind man walks into a bar...
What the fuck is this?
Fucking Jack Carter, bitch.
I've got nothing to say to you.
This is not exactly easy
for me either.
Last time I saw you
was through a prison fence.
I spent the next year
with a Sports Illustrated
stuffed down the back
of my pants.
Guys afraid to get paper cuts
on their dick.
Last time I saw you,
you put a bullet in my fucking head.
You still whining
about that shit?
Let it go, man, you big baby.
I let you run.
All you had to do was keep running.
All you had to do
was keep fucking running.
And you brought
your narrow ass back.
I only came back
for my mother's funeral.
- How is she?
- She's still fucking dead, man!
- Right. Right.
- That's the problem with you.
You're a selfish prick.
You never listen to me.
Everything was always about you.
Hear me now.
You fucked my ass up bad.
- I fucked your ass?
- You fucked my ass.
- I fucked your ass?
- No lube, man.
Not gay, huh?
Listen, missy.
This is some men shit.
You listen.
You know how fucked up it was getting
thrown against my mom's casket
and cuffed right there?
That was the real
balls-across-the-nose play.
Real bullshit, man.
Petty. Petty!
To be honest with you,
prison did you good.
You're looking good.
Your complexion is beautiful.
I've always looked good.
I've always had a good complexion.
But I'm working gravy mop-up.
Is that a good job?
I'm cleaning up
dick spills, man.
I'm supposed to be making
dick spills.
I'm a make-dick-spill guy.
That's my specialty.
I got a strong, loud load.
- It's an honest job.
- Honest job?
I got one kneepad.
The other got eaten by cum.
You know what
you're supposed to do in life?
Meet a woman, nut on her tits.
That's life.
Not meet a girl,
nut in your pants,
rub it on a couch,
call for Archie?
Well, actually I came here
to warn you.
There's a Mexican hit team
on their way to kill you.
Care to explain that?
Well, I left LAPD
and became DEA.
I been working this case
in South Africa.
This drug lord is trying to move
his money through gift cards.
Jesus Christ. Will there be a point
to this story ever that involves me?
Well, this is the funny part.
I was undercover
as Archie Moses.
Excuse me?
So, you told a drug cartel
you were Archie Moses.
Then a bunch of them got whacked
and now I'm at the top
of their to-do list?
- Is that the gist of it?
- More or less.
So when I have a machete
just shoved up my ass,
can I just more or less say,
"Hey, man,
sorry I killed your friends"?
I gotta get you
out of here, man.
I traveled halfway across the
planet, the other side of the world,
to kind of get away from you,
to get a fresh start.
And I was feeling
real good about it.
And somehow you figured out
a way to fuck me again.
As long as my cover's not blown,
I can take care of you.
You got me balls-deep here, man.
And here I thought I'd have to
maybe pass out at a frat party
to get fucked up the ass.
Nobody wanna hear
your fucking bitching.
Life's a bitch! Okay?
I'm dealing with this fucking
bullet dancing in my head,
the doctor telling me
that I'm eating my feelings.
I like tacos and puppies.
I don't have a broad
to love and cherish.
I jack off nine times a day.
I wanna fuck everything I see.
You're just describing
being a man.
I'm watching black porn.
- Have you watched black porn?
- I have.
They fuck with their socks on!
I know! It freaks me out too!
It's no big deal. I got over it.
But guess what. You're black!
Watch it! Be who you are.
But the bottom line is, I'm gonna play
the tiniest violin in the world for you
when they're blow-torching
my nuts off.
Hey, puto!
Oh, shit.
[women screaming]
[The Math Club's
"Shoot First" plays]
Give me a bottle.
Fuck! Give me a bottle!
For what it's worth,
you're my favorite.
I love your tits.
[Lack of Afrao's
"Freedom" plays]
- I'm out of bullets!
- Use the one in your fucking head.
- Fuck you!
- Fuck, did they kill a bird? [shouts]
[screams] Motherfucker!
Why don't you lay here, fucker!
Shit! Fuck!
[song continues playing]
Fuck!
See, teddy bear?
That's some pussy power.
[exhales]
What's your name, anyway?
You speak English?
I don't give a shit.
With tits like that,
you don't even need to talk.
Nothing like a slow Tuesday night, huh?
Come on, then. Follow me.
Looks like you two knob jockeys
need a place to crash.
I better still get paid
for a full shift, Pink.
- Suck my dick.
- I will.
Pull that dick out.
[song ends]
[snoring softly]
[groans]
Fuck.
I would've been happy if
he had just showed up to say hi.
Maybe, "Hey, Archie, man.
It's been 25 years. How you been?"
[groans]
Shit.
[Pinkie]
Why don't you just apologize?
- [Archie] He needs to apologize.
- You both need to apologize.
[Archie] You don't know
what he did to me.
[Pinkie] No, I don't, but it sounds
like you're both in the wrong, to me.
Why don't you Silence of the Lambs
that shit and just tuck it under?
Morning, glory.
That's a big dick.
Oh, shit. Your clothes.
- Yeah.
- [Pinkie] I washed the blood
out of them.
You're gonna love the new color.
Let me tell you something.
Half full, you saved my life.
Half empty,
it was your fault to begin with.
- You're an asshole.
- Mm-hmm.
You come here,
you fuck up my life.
But I'm still impressed
with the dick.
Fucking Carter.
Did somebody kill
a fucking bird in here?
None of this shit would be happening if
Spyder didn't go up against the cartel.
He's the nice one compared
to the rest of that family.
- Your point?
- You haven't met the family?
I'll meet the family.
- You've only met Spyder?
- Yeah. So what?
He's a pussycat
compared to the rest.
You can't handle that family.
They're gonna sniff you out.
They'll kill you, and then
they're coming after me.
You'll be in a fucking
safe house, okay? So relax.
I'm not gonna be
in a safe house.
First of all, a safe house is never
safe.
And it's never a house.
It's always
a shitty little apartment.
If I wanted to die
in a shitty little apartment,
I'd just go back to my place,
just die there.
Why don't you pull your knickers
out of your ass and butch up?
Oh, my God.
- Focus, Carter.
- Move!
- [Archie] Focus. You move!
- You move!
Move your eyes on me.
Focus on me.
- Fuck you.
- Stay on me.
My life's on the line,
not her ass.
Stay. Come on, man.
- I'm fucking focused!
- Stay on me here!
Look at me. I'm going with you.
You don't know
what the fuck we do.
You lie. That's what I do.
I've been doing that my whole life.
Sometimes I'm a pharmacist.
Sometimes I'm a combat reporter.
All right?
Half of what I say is bullshit.
I don't even know what I just said,
all right? That's how good I am.
And besides, you said the syndicate's
all about those bootleg gift cards.
That's my wheelhouse.
Do you know anything about that?
- Do you know anything about it?
- Yeah, I do.
What about the encrypted server?
- Can you configure that?
- Can you?
- Yes, I can!
- [Jack] Then I can do it!
- No, you cannot.
- Are you fucking kidding me?
No. And then when you
fuck up in front of them,
pop-pop, each eye.
You know what they call that?
A Soweto Blindfold. Right?
He's right. This is Cape Town
where the air is clean
and the sex is dirty.
Just like the cops, huh?
I'll just have
the cops back me up.
I'm coming with you
if I wanna stay alive.
Like it or not,
the Jack and Archie Show is back!
Yeah!
Make sure you take down
that little bitch Spyder, yeah?
And you... know where to find me
if you need me.
I told her,
I'm not freezing my sperm.
If you want it, you can take it
the way God intended,
room temperature,
right on your tits.
I got a question for you.
Did you ever see that shitty
movie they made about us?
Of course I seen it.
They made me Jewish.
I mean, I got no beef with the
Jews, but what the fuck?
Look how tall I am.
I'm the opposite of Jewish.
Mustache-strong.
They should've got someone
like Daniel Day-Lewis,
maybe Tom Selleck, just someone
that's got a strong 'stache.
They made me a Wayans.
Yeah, but that's handsome.
You scored.
The Wayans are all gorgeous
and they got the abs
like they been to prison.
Adam Sandler?
He doesn't have an ab.
He can't even grow a mustache.
Hey, Carter?
What the fuck happened
last night?
Don't just sneak up
on a nigga like that.
- What happened?
- People got shot, bad guys died.
What do you want me to tell you?
I spent the whole morning
cleaning up after you.
Everywhere you go,
dead bodies pile up.
What's wrong with you?
By the way, I'd like to introduce you
to
Archie Moses. He'll be running game
with us.
How are you? Archie Moses.
Good to see you. Nice to meet you.
I said you need
to break this fast.
Word is they're on the move,
and once they're up in the air...
Poof! Game over. You got that?
If I can ask,
what exactly are we looking for?
And don't say a flash drive.
I'm so sick of looking
for fucking flash drives.
Please don't say flash drive!
I don't know whether it's on a flash
drive, a hard drive
- or a motherfucking four-wheel drive.
- Four-wheel drive we could find.
I mean, they're big,
you just go to where they're parked.
You get in it,
you drive it where it needs.
- Yeah.
- What you're looking for is a code.
C-O-D-E.
Aw, man, that's another...
- That's code for flash drive.
- Codes are worse.
It's a code that deciphers
their ledgers.
That could fit on a...
Don't fuck it up, Carter.
That's a good-looking boat.
[Jack] I got this guy
wired in pretty tight.
I told him I was bringing in my
junior just to watch my back, okay?
Why can't we be equals?
Look, the less you know,
the better.
- [Spyder] How's it, my china?
- Hey.
Can't touch this, huh?
Is this the guy
you've been talking about?
Yeah. Let me introduce you to...
- Nick Sweater.
- [Spyder] Yeah.
They call me Sweat,
because I don't.
Nice. So, is this the first time
you're in South Africa? Sweet.
- [Archie] The Rainbow Nation?
- Yeah.
No, I know a little bit
about a little bit.
I whacked some fucker out
in Jo-burg a while back, so...
So, what brings you back
to our sunny shores?
Well, Archie called
and asked me to lend him a hand.
You better tell me the truth.
Has he always been
such a pussy in a fight?
Well, Archie's
not really the muscle.
He kind of brings me in
for the hot stuff.
That's... That's
what I'm here for.
Thank God for that, boet.
'Cause, I mean,
he plays a good game,
he really sells it well,
but then when the shit
hits the fan, I mean...
I'm out there,
popping myself some Mexicans,
boom-boom-boom,
I come around the corner,
and there he is basically crying
in a puddle of his own piss, man.
Well, you know me. I can't
fight my way out of a cloud.
You know, the...
It's a funny thing.
I can't put my finger on it.
But I just don't get...
What's your relationship?
Archie's my errand boy. He does what
I say or he gets a little pimp slap.
- Isn't that right, Archie?
- Sure.
I mean, he's cute.
I mean, he's got that physique.
He's built like
a brick shithouse.
But come crunch time,
when that action hits,
- bam, he's gone.
- Yeah, yeah.
He's about as useful as a
broke dick on a wedding night.
- Back home, we call him Jelly Dick.
- Not a fuck.
Sponge Dick, Noodle Dick.
[Spyder] Noodle Dick! [laughs]
Anything soft in front of the
word "dick" applies to him.
Cream dick!
Cream dick is good,
but it's a little hard.
- 'Cause cream can get hard.
- Yeah.
My favorite? Air dick.
Hey, air dick!
It's like it's not even there.
It's like,
"Where's the dick? Is that air?"
- Where the fuck is my dick?
- Was there a dick here?
Feels like air.
I'm getting oxygen,
but I'm not getting off
because there's no dick here.
Fuck, man!
I like you already, boet!
Yeah, Sweat, hey,
you like boats?
I do, as long as they go fast.
Yeah? Nice. Nice.
Well, then you're gonna love
my fucking boat!
Huh? You're gonna love my boat
and you're gonna love my boat.
Let's go check out my boat,
boet.
I love that boat already.
[upbeat music playing]
[man singing
in foreign language]
Here they come.
Hey, Ma!
How's it...
These are my mates,
my new mates.
You know,
I already spoke about Archie.
But this is
the big boss man, Sweat!
Man, Spyder, you didn't tell me
you had three smoking hot sisters.
I mean, I can't even tell
which one's the oldest.
They are practically identical.
- Are you a kiss-ass, bitch?
- Yes. I mean, it depends on the ass.
But, you know, I was just saying
you guys all look alike.
[Gertie] Oh, do we now?
Is that so?
Let me tell you something,
buddy.
My sister Jo
is a proud colored woman.
- [Gertie] Do I look colored?
- [Pernilla] Okay, that's enough!
Well, welcome.
Welcome to our little wine farm.
Make yourselves at home. Hmm?
We're gonna get cleaned up
and we'll join you directly.
I still say triplets.
It's unbelievable.
You should go with them.
Oh.
Two new friends from nowhere.
They're American.
So, what does that prove?
They could be on loan
from the narcotics bureau.
Well, why aren't the ones
we're paying telling us?
Oh, please, smarten up, Jo.
There are loopholes
in every security system.
Wittings?
Present, madam.
Yes, I know you're fucking present.
That's why I called your goddamn name.
Now you keep an eye
on our guests, huh?
Call your friends
from the narcotics bureau.
See what's what, hmm?
- Madam.
- Good.
[upbeat hip-hop music playing]
[hip-hop continues playing]
I like big boys.
And you are a very big boy.
Hell of a party.
Are you enjoying Joanna?
[Jack]
I see where she got it from.
All the boys like Joanna.
She's a real fuck-bunny.
Clearly, she's taken a page
out of my book.
Guess that apple doesn't
fall too far from the tree.
[chuckles]
I understand you're a pussycat.
I'm a lover, not a fighter.
Tell me.
How do you survive
the hardened world
of Mexican drug cartels,
being a lover?
Know when to speak,
and when not to.
You have a colorful family.
I've been married three times.
God rest their souls.
My proclivity for Nigerian men
ruined my first marriage.
The union resulted in Joanna.
Gertie and Spyder, they're the
fruit of an Afrikaans cattle rancher
from the Free State.
Hardworking, but a dreary man.
My third husband was Russian.
Shooting blanks, thank God.
[laughs]
He died
in mysterious circumstances.
So, now I fly solo.
I hope you're
not drinking too much.
Alcohol and the sun,
it's a vicious combo.
More wine, Wittings.
Not for him.
Once he tips, it's pretty hard.
- [laughs]
- Hey, Pernilla, I gotta give it to you.
I really dig the way you live.
You got this big spread,
you got fun cars, wine in the barrel.
Get it while you can, I say.
I just wanted to ask you...
Don't tell me.
How come
a bunch of beautiful women
are running a much-feared
criminal organization?
I meant no offense.
I was just curious.
- You want to know my secret?
- Yeah.
If any man fucks
with me or my family...
I cut their cock and balls off.
- Got it?
- Got it. That's cool.
Good.
- Enjoy the party.
- Thank you.
Now, that's a bad motherfucker.
Dude, what the fuck?
This psycho bitch,
she's bat-shit crazy.
Listen, chill.
This is undercover work, okay?
You hang with bad people and
hope they believe your bullshit.
What about her bullshit? I mean,
that cock-and-ball story, that's solid.
That's solid bullshit.
Well, so far our bullshit
is more solid.
Our inside man
at the bureau informs me
that there is no undercover
operation currently in progress.
However, our nemesis at
the Narcotics Enforcement Bureau
has been behaving suspiciously.
- Captain Madebe.
- Mmm.
- What is he up to?
- He's been quiet. Too quiet.
My balls and cock are about to
be cut off by some psycho bitch!
I love my cock and balls.
They're a team.
They've always been together.
Ever since I knew what I could
use them for, I love them.
I don't wanna separate them.
All right?
You tricked me into being here, okay?
You tricked me.
- What?
- I don't wanna be here.
Now I'm gonna get
my cock and balls cut off
by some psycho fucking bullshit,
some Dolly Parton fucking
psycho, hair's too tight.
Unlikely as it seems,
these two buffoons are playing us.
We'll just have to test them.
I was hoping you cowboys
might do us a favor.
- What do you have in mind?
- A creepy crawl.
You said you wanted
to be a bad motherfucker.
Do you? You a bad motherfucker?
I told you, I was a badass.
I told them that
you was my junior.
You were here to back me up.
Remember that shit?
I do. I fucked up.
I fucked up, man.
I want to see
how our new business partners
work with the rest
of the family, my boy.
I watch too much TV.
I wanted to be that
guy. I'm not that guy.
- I'm the pussy guy. I'm a fucking
pussy.
- That's right.
This creepy crawl,
you want it done tonight?
So, you're keen?
You're up for it?
- Play your position.
- What's my fucking position?
Your position is
shut the fuck up, man up.
You Wesley Snipes!
Act black and be cool.
Okay. I can be...
I can be black.
I'm a bad motherfucker.
[tires screech]
Pop the trunk, Jo.
Let's go, superstar.
Me? Why not him?
'Cause you are the killer.
Yeah, but that's just a label...
Shut the fuck up!
- [Gertie] Get out.
- Yeah.
- [Archie] Fuck you too.
- Come.
After all those stories,
this should be right up your alley.
Shit, man.
That's nice.
But this is...
This is a pretty amazing
weapon here.
I mean, you got two sights,
you got two ends, which is important.
You just gotta pick the end
and then a cap...
You really are
something special.
- Me?
- [Jo] Yeah.
You got a real
cuddle quality about you.
There's a French word for that.
Je ne sais quoi?
We can call it that.
It's almost like you've
never seen an RPG-7 before.
Oh, this is the seven?
Yeah. I'm a... I'm a six guy.
I've always been a six guy.
I just wanna know
what gets you hot.
Pink wigs.
- Okay.
- And tacos.
What gets me hot...
is just that I like to fuck.
Hmm?
I like to fuck.
And you look like a nice challenge,
and I love a big challenge.
See that? If there was something
there, we'd all be dead.
And that's the danger
of this gun
is you just start
killing yourself.
- Uh-uh.
- Suck it one more time.
- The creepy crawl, remember?
- The what?
- [sighs] The creepy crawl.
- But you was talking about fucking.
Fucking narco boss over there,
he's giving us grief.
So Gertie's got a surprise
for him.
- [Jack] Narco boss.
- [Jo] Mmm.
I mean, I'm a six.
I've always been a six guy.
Okay, yes,
but this is the seven.
Captain America.
That's what we call him.
Trained with the DEA in the US.
Real fucking do-gooder.
Yeah, that fucking asshole.
He won't get
on our fucking payroll.
- Fuck.
- Wanna fuck him up for me?
- Huh?
- You wanna fuck him up for me?
Yeah!
That was the problem
with the seven.
The manual is in Arabic.
- Look at what she's got.
- Oh, a seven.
Yeah. I told her I was a six.
It's the seven, which is shit!
- And I told her I was a six guy.
- Yeah.
- And she wants me to...
- The predecessor.
- [Archie] Six is my jam.
- [Jack] Yeah!
Okay, let's stop fucking around.
- You're gonna do this with the seven?
- Yes.
Thank you.
- Come.
- Good luck.
Seven is a bad idea.
I'll say it.
I won't stop saying it.
Right. You're gonna aim
for that window.
- Which one?
- Top floor, upper right.
The left?
- Upper right. That's where the fucker
lives.
- I'm not paying for the window.
See how low this is? That's the seven.
It's a shit weapon.
[Gertie]
You have a problem killing cops?
[Archie] I give zero fucks
about killing cops.
I mean, cops,
they're just tough to kill.
I shot one in the head a few years ago.
He still gives me shit nonstop.
Shut up. You're gonna
fucking aim for that window.
I'm dyslexic.
Where are you pointing?
The fucking top right window!
Jesus Christ!
You know, to be honest with you,
RPG is gangbanger style.
- [Archie] True.
- [Jack] You wanna make a statement?
Go in there face-to-face with a knife.
Now, that's a bad motherfucker.
This is kindergarten shit.
I mean, knife...
knife is my jam.
I'm a knife guy, a six guy.
That's my sandwich. I get in there.
My dad was a butcher.
So if I go in there with a
knife, I'm gonna cut him up.
I'm gonna put him on a bun
and just lick it.
Now it's hooked wrong.
And now I'm stretching my leg and I...
Shoot the fucking rocket, Sweat,
or I'll blow your balls
out of your asshole.
- Do you hear me?
- Yeah, you're in my ear.
- You fucking hear me?
- Yeah.
So, I'm gonna do this.
- Do you see how my leg is stretched?
- Fucking shoot it!
Shoot the fucking
goddamned thing.
- [Archie] Are you sure?
- Shoot it!
Fuck it.
What the fuck!
Nice work, Sweat.
I'm a seven guy.
I am a fucking seven guy!
- Did you see the seven?
- [Jo] Let's get the fuck out of here!
- Seven works.
- The six is shit!
I love the seven.
[tires squealing]
Fucking Carter!
[laughs]
Did you know I was a seven guy?
[Gertie] Wait up, Sweat.
Welcome back, miss.
How was your little foray?
Checkered flags all around.
[acoustic guitar playing]
[woman singing ballad
in Spanish]
Goddamn!
Hey, Daddy.
Hey, Jo.
Jo, I can't do this.
- I can't do this.
- You don't have to do anything.
I'll do all the work.
Okay, you just sit back...
and let me be the monster fuck
of your life.
That's what your mother said.
She knows me very well.
[woman continues singing ballad]
I can't do it
for really, really.
- Really, really?
- Listen to me.
- Not just really.
- The doctor said that I have a bullet
lodged in my brain...
a fragment...
and any exertion
will make the fragment shift.
- Wow.
- That's... Yeah, so I can't.
I hope the creepy crawl went well and
that my girls kept you on your toes.
Yeah, they were great.
I'm a seven guy.
I'm kind of seeing somebody.
It's new, and she thinks
I'm LGBQ barbecue
or whatever the thing is,
but no, no.
Okay.
Well, there's one way
to solve that problem.
Mm-hmm?
[grunts]
[both grunt]
[gasps]
Well, she must be crazy
because you don't feel
LGBTQ to me.
[grunts] That's what I
keep trying to tell her.
Hey, Sweat.
Your work station's ready.
Now, this will be a really
nice story for you to tell.
- You don't wanna pass that up, do you?
- No.
You don't wanna pass
that up. No.
- Your breath smells so good.
- Yeah?
[whispers] I can also smell
like pineapples.
I can taste like pineapples.
No! No!
No, Jo!
Do you wanna hear the story?
Sure.
But from over there.
Okay.
Once upon a time,
in a land far, far away
with beautiful hills
and valleys...
there was a girl named Jo.
And Jo,
she really liked this guy,
and his name was Archie.
- Archie was a big guy.
- Mm-hmm.
He was like an African king.
And all Jo wanted
to do with Archie
was to have him crack her ass.
So, crack her ass.
All I think about
is tacos and pussy.
[doctor] No, no. No tacos.
No pussy.
[Archie] My balls and cock are about
to be cut off by some psycho bitch.
You're done. [laughing]
[Jo] Let me be
the monster fuck of your life.
[ballad ends]
Shit, shit, shit, shit.
Shit. Dude. Wake up. Wake up.
I had a nightmare. Wake up.
[grunting]
Did you forget
we have a mission?
Find the code
that deciphers the ledgers?
Bring down the syndicate?
I found the code.
And it's not a flash drive.
Then let's get the fuck
out of here.
Why don't you chill?
Dude,
I blew up a cop last night.
That's why I'm in a rush.
This ain't my jam!
- Why would you blow a cop?
- Blew up!
What the fuck are you doing banging
some girl you're supposed to arrest?
First of all,
I didn't have sex with her.
Second of all,
why are you blowing cops?
Let me tell you something.
If my dream is right,
and they usually are,
these psycho fucks aren't
gonna let us last for long.
We need to get the fuck
out of here!
You need to chill.
And act black.
- It's hard, man.
- You're telling me.
I'm very white.
Be cool. And act black.
And don't blow no more cops.
Hey, Sweat. Check this out.
I figured it out. It's easy.
Show him how it's done, Jo.
Okay, so, you just plug the
program into your laptop,
you log into your bank account,
then you put in
the amount right here.
Here.
- [beeping]
- You swipe the card,
then you swipe it again
to check the balance, and...
Whoop! There it is!
And just one swipe and
the money's in the gift cards.
If they can do the cards
without us, we're fucked.
So, I'm thinking to myself...
what the fuck
do we need you guys for, huh?
Still gotta get the cash
off the cards.
If you can't do that,
it's a whole 'nother rigamaroo.
[phone ringing]
- Who's that, Archie?
- It's personal.
Hey, teddy bear.
Just checking on you. You good?
Yeah, I'm good. What's up?
Nothing. Just chilling.
Waiting for you.
And I wanted to tell you
that I been thinking about you.
A lot.
Like all night.
That's weird.
I thought about you too.
It's weird how I don't even care
that you're a homeowner.
I told you, I rent.
Last night,
I could've cracked the ass
of this beautiful
African goddess.
But I didn't. You know why?
Because I didn't wanna
mess up our thing.
That's cute,
but we're not a thing.
Well, I'm just saying, you know,
in case we become a thing.
That's sweet.
You do know that I had the whole
rugby team in here last night
for a gang bang?
- Did you wear a pink wig?
- Always.
[laughs]
Then it's not a problem.
What are you doing now?
We found this website,
of the programmer.
Yup. We take our nice,
fancy cards to a nice, friendly bank,
like in the Caymans,
and they will swipe the money
directly into our new account.
So, there's a website. Wow.
You're not the only smart one
in the room anymore.
Bit of a useless fudgie now,
aren't you?
I mean, useless seems
a little harsh.
I mean, I feel I contribute
in many ways.
Do you wanna hang out later?
Like tonight?
Yeah, call me.
Well, this was fun, boys,
but I'm afraid our time together
has come to an end.
Wittings,
take care of our guests, please.
My pleasure, madam.
[Pernilla]
Take care of our guests.
[Spyder] What do we need
you guys for?
Bit of a useless fudgie now,
aren't you?
[Pernilla] If any man fucks with
me, or my family...
I cut their cock and balls off.
Hey! What'd I miss?
He's a cop!
What the fuck are you...
What's wrong with you?
- [Spyder] What did you say?
- He's a cop!
Sweat, stop playing, man.
They don't
know how we play. He's joking.
- See if he's wearing a wire.
- Wait, wait, wait.
- Sweat, that's not fucking funny, man.
- What the fuck is going on?
His name is Jack Carter.
He was narco, LAPD.
Now he's DEA.
Stop fucking around, Sweat!
And my name's not Sweat.
It's Archie Moses.
I'm Archie Moses.
- He went undercover as me.
- Goddamn.
You know what?
Check out my wallet.
I told you we had a chance.
I wasn't feeling it.
I wanted to get out of here.
I told you to act black
and be cool!
I can't be black and cool.
I'm white, uncool.
All right?
Now, it's every man for himself.
[Spyder] There's no ID in there.
You know what?
September, 1994.
Beats and Rhymes.
We're on the cover.
What the fuck are you doing?
- Fucked up. Fucked up.
- Fuck you!
- [Jack] Are you crazy?
- [Archie] Fuck off.
[Jo] Holy shit!
You rat fuck!
[Pernilla]
Why would you confess now?
Why? Because
you were gonna whack us!
- No, we weren't.
- [Archie] You were.
We're useless. You said that.
You said our time together
has come to an end.
Figure of speech!
- Huh?
- Figure of speech, you fucking idiot.
So that's why
you wouldn't crack my ass.
[laughs] Fuck,
I feel so much better.
[phone ringing]
[Spyder] So Carter, or Moses,
or what-the-fuck-ever you're called,
is it true what this oke says?
Did you... Did you pull him
into the whole plan?
Are you a rat-fuck
motherfucking undercover cop?
Your preference as
to what happens to them, madam?
I'm sure the Schmidt Wine Farm
has a deserted work shed.
Take these two out there and
find out what we need to know.
Fuck.
I ratted him out.
This is the life for me!
I like water!
I like the fucking boat!
I like naked fucking bitches!
This is where I should live!
I'm a Schmidt guy!
A Schmidt guy, Mom.
Adopt me, motherfuckers!
Hey, man, you mad at me?
Listen, it was just like that dream
I had that you wouldn't listen to.
It was a freaky premonition and I
was sure we were both gonna die.
I just knew it.
I felt it in my gut.
And I was like,
"One of us should live," and I chose me.
That's understandable.
I got a lot more going on,
I feel,
so I said,
"Yeah, I will be me. I'll live."
So, I own that.
But it's your fault.
You should've listened to me.
You had a chance
to talk me down.
So, fuck you for not listening,
fuck you
for not letting me share.
A guy wants to share,
you let him share, man.
You had your chance. Fuck it.
Damn.
The Schmidt Wine Farm.
Deserted shed.
Where no one can hear us scream.
This is good.
We should build a lamp,
so we don't have to fuck in the dark.
Got the chains here,
which is good.
You could just wrap them around us.
Maybe stretch my back out.
- Wooden chairs.
- Can I take the one on the right?
It's kind of... Thank you.
It's an aisle seat. Thanks, man.
I like your mustache,
I like the guns.
- These guys are good, man.
- Is that on safety?
You can't point a gun
if it's not on safety.
Yeah,
that's not proper gun etiquette.
Zip ties, normal shit.
Ah! Goddamn!
Make sure you get
those arms tight.
If I get one out,
I will jack off.
You know, I am a
jack-off-when-I'm-about-to-die guy.
I just always wanna
go out nutting.
- Look at this right here.
- That's old school.
We got car batteries, we got a couple
clamps there, one for each ball.
- [Jack] That's old school.
- I'm gonna need three. You know that.
And they're a little rusty,
so I'm gonna get tetanus.
Oh!
Well, well, well, well.
- Wow! That's aggressive, man!
- [Jack] Shit!
You dumb fuckers messed
with the wrong South Africans.
- [spits] Whoa!
- [Jack] Shit!
[Spyder] Stop whining
like a little pussy.
- I am a little pussy!
- Take it like a man! Are you ready?
- Take it like a man.
- One, take it like a man.
It's coming.
Are you ready, boet?
- Take it like a man.
- [Spyder] One! Two! Three!
Bwah! Didn't see
that one coming, did you?
Huh, boet?
Fucking betrayed me, man!
I thought we were friends!
And you fucked it all up!
- I am gonna fuck you up so bad.
- [Spyder] Really?
Question.
Why are you so aggressive?
- This whole family's loud and...
- [Spyder] Shut the fuck up.
- Shut the fuck up.
- Sorry.
And tell me this.
Who do you work for?
Well, Pinkie
was my last employer...
Who the fuck do you work for?
Black guy, black hair,
pretty dark, Mandela...
[shushing]
- Apartheid.
- I've got it. I've got it.
Wittings, I want you
to fucking break his chest open
and I want you to personally
shit on his heart.
Then I want you to slap his
little fucking dinky head off
and shove it up his ass,
followed by one
of those fucking chain saws.
Then for Mr. Big over here,
I think snap
his little twinkie off
- and shove it down his fucking throat.
- Oh!
But do it all in pursuit
of getting me the information.
What information?
Who do you fucking work for?
So everything else is in that order,
though, except for the chainsaw?
I tell you what. I've got it.
See that shit
that he grows around his lip,
that grows wildly on my ass?
Take a long razor and give him
a nice... nice smooth shave.
Oh, yeah.
Take that thing off his face.
I've noticed that everything
that comes out of your mouth
has a theme
of dick, asshole, balls.
I said I had three balls, your eyes
lit up like a fucking slot machine.
Like, "Three balls?
I can suck on three balls.
At once. I'm used to two.
I can put another ball in my mouth."
He's funny, huh?
He's really funny.
If you guys are interested
and I... You can fuck us now.
Whoa, whoa! Just for the record,
I'm opting out of that part.
Do you wanna fuck me, baldy?
Seriously, you wanna just stick
your big fucking cock
right up
what's left of my asshole?
Hemorrhoids. It's tight.
You just shove your fucking...
Shut the fuck up!
Just shut the fuck up!
Get the info before I fucking
shit my fucking pants.
Hurry back
while my dick's still hard!
Jo, how much more time
do you need?
Ugh. Twenty minutes.
$625 million
is a lot of cash to transfer.
[Pernilla]
You've got 15 minutes.
Those fuckers kept on talking and
talking, but they didn't say shit.
- What are we gonna do with them?
- [Pernilla] No loose ends.
We have 625 million reasons
not to get caught.
We're not gonna make it
out of here, are we?
[Jack groans]
Probably not.
I'm sorry I got you
involved in this.
You know, I've done a lot of
bad stuff in my life, so...
It's one of the reasons I came out
here, just trying to do better.
Trying to help.
So, if it happens, fuck it.
Really? You're that Zen?
No, not really. I mean, I don't want
it to happen, but if it does, so be it.
You're a weird dude, Archie.
I gotta tell you...
you testifying against me...
was probably the best thing
that ever happened to me.
- Stop bullshitting.
- I mean it.
I used to look up to people
like the Schmidts.
They were my heroes. I liked
their
lifestyle. I liked everything
about them.
And then when I did my time,
'cause of you,
I saw that they were
just assholes.
They're just rich assholes,
psychos, bad people.
I don't wanna be that.
So, a belated thank you.
It's all right, man.
Look, it's cool.
Look at this, just two guys
verbally sucking each other off,
just being okay
with it at the end.
We're not sucking each other.
We're having a convers...
- Verbally.
- Well, yeah, but still you...
I mean, it feels good.
Does it not feel like...
You know what?
I got... some slack here.
- Slack's good.
- Right here.
I think I got a plan.
Why didn't you have that
an hour ago?
- I just got the slack.
- All right.
This is the plan.
Just keep him distracted.
Hey, buddy. I was thinking about you.
I may have been a little rough.
But my balls are itching.
I don't know if it's the crabs
or something I caught out here.
I don't know if...
how buried it is down there,
but it feels like something
that needs to be scratched.
I don't know
if it's something you'd do?
[chuckles] I'm happy to see that you've
retained your keen sense of humor.
It's tough to shake, man.
It's kind of who I am.
Can't wait to see the hilarity that
ensues when I perforate your patella.
- My what?
- [drill whirs]
Your patella.
The way you said it, is like...
Is it something
you put on bread?
Your patella.
- [whirring]
- [Jack] Whoa!
My what?
[laughs]
[Wittings] You bastard!
Nice.
- Whoo! That's a good plan.
- That's the plan.
[Wittings] Fuck! Fucker!
Patella!
- Whoo!
- [laughs]
Download's complete. Bank account's
empty and gift cards are loaded.
I'm gonna go pack now.
You've got five minutes, Jo.
Shh!
Hey, boys?
I'm looking for your boss,
Spyder.
If you know what I mean.
Hey.
Never seen a girl like me
Never seen a girl like me
So free
Never seen a girl like me I bet
you ain't never seen A girl like me
[Archie]
We gotta cut this or something.
[Jack] Help me find a knife
or something,
so we can get the...
- Ah! Hey!
- Hey, what are you doing?
- Hey, hey, hey!
- [Jack] For your big boss!
Move so I can hit him!
Got a handful for your big boss!
Never seen a girl like me Never
seen a girl like me So free
Never seen a girl like me I bet
you ain't never seen A girl like me
[panting]
- No, no, no, no.
- No, don't you do it.
If you swallow that,
I'm gonna give you a Soweto Blindfold.
Pop-pop.
You mother...
Never seen a girl like me Never
seen a girl like me So free
Never seen a girl like me
Like me
Never seen a girl like me
- [Archie] Bite him!
- [screams]
Never seen a girl like me
I bet you ain't never seen
A girl like me
- [Archie] Chew it like a rib!
-
[Wittings] He's biting my fucking knee!
Never seen a girl like me
You fucking crazy fat fuck!
You can't bite my knee!
- No, no, no. No.
- [Wittings] You crazy motherfucker!
- Wait, wait, wait, wait!
- Wait! Wait! Wait, wait!
Once I've shot him,
I'm gonna fuck your corpse!
Hey! Hey!
You lying mother...
[Archie] Take a breath.
Breathe through this.
- This isn't you. What's the matter?
- He fucking bit my knee!
- Okay, first of all...
- [Wittings] I'm fucking bleeding!
Listen! That's not your knee.
That's your patella!
- [Wittings] Fuck you!
- Fuck you!
Never seen a girl like me
Oh! Pinkie, thank you.
You seem to really always save our ass.
- Thank you so much.
- Let's get you out
of those handcuffs, boys.
[Pernilla]
Okay, everybody! Follow me!
Single track.
Nobody stop
until we get to Saldana.
I've got a plane on hot standby
to get us and our 625 million
the hell out of here.
Fuck yeah!
[Pernilla]
Will you grow up, Spyder?
Ma, do you think
we'll need the card machine?
- I'm pretty sure we will, Jo. Where is
it?
- I left it inside on the table.
For fuck's sake. Get it!
Everybody! Last sweep
of the house before we leave!
And hurry up!
Move it, Gertrude, move it!
Stop calling me that!
[tires squealing]
Wittings! You let 'em go,
you son of a bitch!
Get in the fucking cars!
Come on!
Come on, Wonder Woman, let's go!
- Ma, you're driving like a fucking
pussy!
- Shut the fuck up!
Get them, get them now!
Watch it!
- [Jo shouts]
- You motherfucker! We're
coming for you!
Sergeant,
southbound on Lukannon Drive.
Yes, get your men!
Get there quickly!
We need backup!
And I mean, fast!
Ah, dude. I got the gift cards
and the code machine. I like that.
Go, go, go, go!
All right, guys, here we go!
Here they come!
Hello!
Is that the psycho bitch
who asked you to crack her ass?
She's got an ass
like Kim Kardashian.
Fuck, she's hot.
You mean to tell me that you turned
down pussy from that Nubian queen?
You must be fucking dumb.
Even Archie
Moses is smart enough to know
if you're handed pussy
on a plate,
you eat it up and you thank God
for the privilege.
It's a tricky time to be alive.
Cut them off!
Cut them off! Go, go, go!
[phone ringing]
Fuck! Fuck!
Well, fuck you!
Carter! Where the fuck are you?
I'm not having a good day, okay?
I'm in a fucking dune buggy
from hell, riding bitch,
and some bad guys on our ass
like white on rice.
I've got $625 million
in gift cards
and the code breaker.
Okay, listen,
just tell me where you are.
- Where are we?
- Some dunes, outside Macassar.
- You heard that?
- What the fuck you doing out there?
How the fuck do I know?
Send your boys
before somebody gets shot!
Okay, listen. There's a little beachside
pavilion in Macassar. Meet you there.
Go faster!
[siren blaring]
Thank God, the cops.
Corrupt cops.
I need some help here, guys!
Any ideas?
All gas, no brake.
- Whoa! Is that the seven?
- It's an eight.
Now, let the big dog
take a shit.
- [all cheering]
- Damn!
I'm an eight guy now!
Fuck!
Behind you!
- Ah! Fuck!
- Pow! Pow!
There, you motherfucker!
These motherfuckers
want some more!
- Punch it!
- Shit!
[siren blares]
Bitch, I'm coming!
[shouting]
Fucking move, Ma!
[Spyder] I think I got them!
[bullets ricocheting]
Whoo-hoo-hoo!
[tires screeching]
[Archie groans]
I broke a ball! I'm serious!
[bad cop 1] Hurry, hurry, hurry!
[bad cop 2]
Come on. Let's get this!
[all continue shouting]
- [Pinkie] Come on!
- [Archie] I'm coming!
Let's go get
those fucking rat fucks!
Let's go. Let's go. Let's go.
Time to fucking run!
[Archie] Come on, Carter!
[Spyder] Yeah,
you better run, motherfucker!
- [Pinkie] Get out, boys!
- Follow my track. Follow my track.
- Fuck!
- Let's get the money.
Don't leave a single
fucking card. Let's go.
Okay, split up.
Hurry up!
Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit!
Come on! Come on! Come on!
Shit! Shit! Shit!
- [Madebe] Come on!
- [good cop 1] Let's go!
[good cop 2]
Let's move, move, move out!
Where's the backup?
- Let's go and get him!
- Go, go, go!
- Go, go, go, go!
- Get down, get down!
- [good cop 1] Fire one!
- [good cop 2] Behind the building!
[good cop 1]
On the fucking wall!
Stay down!
- [groans]
- [Archie] Fuck!
Go, go, go, go, go, go, go!
Is that all you got? Hmm?
Come. Do me, bitch.
Let's see if you can.
Come, come, come.
Moses, twinkie dick over here
thinks he can shoot me.
Let's see if you can do it.
Do it, man!
Do me, bitch!
Do me, bitch.
Do me. Come on.
[laughs] You can't.
You know why?
'Cause you're a pussy!
Come on, you fucking cunt!
[shouting in Afrikaans]
Shit! Take cover!
Shit! Get down!
If I'm gonna do it,
I'm gonna do it right here.
The old family jewels.
Hey, hey, hey. Hey.
Look at him. Oh, shit, is he...
- [Spyder] Hey, no. No, no, no.
- [Jack] I'm getting nervous.
Fucking take that thing away,
man!
Get down!
- [Jack] Ooh!
- Take the fucking gun away, man!
- [Jack] Ooh!
- Take the fucking gun away!
Fuck that!
Let's get out of here!
- Take the fucking gun away!
- [Jack] I'm getting nervous!
- [Spyder] Oh, please!
- [Jack] I'm getting nervous!
[good cop 1] Cover me! Cover me!
Please, boet.
Nah!
Killing people sucks.
You made the right move.
Pussy.
Drop the gun.
Man, this girl's
a real ball ache.
Hello, Pernilla.
Lovely to finally meet you.
Is it? You twat!
[laughs] Secure this.
Come on, guys.
Okay. Okay!
Drop it,
because I will shoot you.
And you're hard to miss.
[scoffs]
Drop it! Now!
Drop the fucking gun!
I said...
- [laughs]
- [Archie] Ah!
You should've fuckin' blown
my balls off
when you had the chance,
motherfucker!
'Cause now I've got you
by the balls.
You had a good run.
Just let my guy go, man.
I'll let him go
when I wanna let him go.
Because first, I'm gonna bleed
out little baby Moses over here.
And then, I'm gonna cut
your little dick off.
And then, I'm gonna come
for your mama, bitch!
Carter, Carter, shoot him in the face.
I don't give a shit.
- Yeah, shoot me in the face,
motherfucker!
- I wanna live. I am a
pussy.
Shoot him in the face, man!
He can't fucking shoot me in
the face because he's a pussy!
I give you permission.
Shoot him in the face!
[Archie] Goddamn it!
Fuck me!
Fuck! You fucking puss!
You fucking shot me with my
own fucking gun, you fat...
[groans] Fuck.
Fuck!
You shot me with my own gun!
- Jesus!
- Are you in pain? Huh?
Yeah, I'm fucking in pain!
Remember what you said.
"If you're dumb, you bleed."
Guess who's bleeding?
- Does it hurt right here?
- [screams]
Jou fucking naai!
Is jy mal in jou kop, man?
[Archie] Carter!
You shot me on purpose, man!
Yeah, I did shoot you
on purpose,
but I knew what I was doing
when I shot you.
You're lucky I didn't shoot you
in your head.
We're even! We're fucking even!
- No, we're not even.
- Yeah, we're even.
- We're not even!
- We're even!
- We're not even.
- Okay, but it's close.
[shrieks] Goddamn, that hurts!
Get me some help. Anybody?
Shut the fuck up, man!
You shut the fuck up, bitch!
[Madebe] Good job, Carter.
It's what I do. Pussy and tacos.
Just one more thing,
and we'll get all this cleaned up.
Where's the code
for the ledgers?
Ah! You're gonna love this.
- Yeah?
- Follow me. Check this out.
- [Jack] Code for the ledgers.
- [Madebe] That's right.
Ready for this? Wait for it!
[chuckles] Here's a gift.
Souvenir.
At least it's not a flash drive.
Flesh drive, that's all right.
You still owe me
a handshake, bitch.
[groans]
[doctor] This bullet in your
brain is like a time bomb.
[doctor's voice echoes]
Hey, dummy.
'Bout time.
I was worried about you.
Hey, congratulations.
You got the bad guys.
Job well done.
Well, I didn't exactly
get all the bad guys.
That's true.
I got probably
a little bit more,
but that's just because
I'm built for it.
Um, don't I deserve
a little credit?
- Hey, Pink.
- Whoa.
Hey, Carter. Before I go,
I got a question for you.
I am thinking about...
becoming a crook again.
Getting back into the crook business.
What do you think?
I gotta tell you, a couple gift
cards may have fallen into my wallet.
That's blood money.
You do know that, right?
I do know that.
And I thought about that,
but turns out,
it spends just the same.
They still take it and they don't
even ask where it comes from.
No more gravy mop-up for me.
Sorry, Pinkie.
And I got a little extra cash on
me, if you would like some.
[chuckles]
No, thank you.
Kind of thought you'd say that.
Well, I gotta go.
There's a road out there
with my name on it.
Oh, and, Pinkie?
Give my kneepad to the next guy.
Oh, and... one last thing.
I never stopped loving you.
Just want you to know that.
Take care, Pinkie.
Still a dick.
[Pink Martini's
"Una Notte A Napoli" plays]
So...
So?
Tell me...
what's California like?
Hmm... Mountains.
Peaky mountains.
I been thinking about...
visiting.
I have a friend out there.
- Oh, yeah?
- Mm-hmm.
He's a nice enough guy.
A little bit wacky, but he's cool.
Is he a homeowner?
Mm-mmm.
He lives in LA.
- He rents.
- Mm-hmm.
Fucking Carter!
[man singing in foreign language]