1
[Telephone rings]
[Ring]
[Ring]
Bernice: hello?
Ray:
did you do it?
Did you do it?
Not yet.
Do it now.
Go in now.
I'm not ready.
The guy runs 20 minutes
every morning.
What else
do you need to know?
Ray, I'm telling you,
this guy is dangerous--
[dial tone]
Hello?
I see
every move you make
there's nothing
you can do
to get by me
my, my profession
baby, I'm a thief
wanna shake your hand
it's true, you'll see
I look for silver
for China, maybe gold
makes lots of things
something I can hold
you've really
tried this time
I'll get my guilt
while it's on my mind
ah, baby
all this fun
can be no crime
[muttering]
you can't catch me
not the burglar
no way
try and catch me
each and every time,
I'll get away
hello?
Hello?
Is anybody home?
[Horn honks]
Got a package
for this address.
Can you sign for it?
Thanks a lot.
Have a nice day.
you can't catch me
not the burglar
no way
try and catch me
each and every time
I'll get away
when times get rough
I take a look inside
I always
found the things
you tried to hide
with each new day
your chances
will increase
who'll be
the next victim
of the thief?
you've really
tried this time
I'll get my guilt
while it's on my mind
ah, baby
all this fun
can be no crime
you can't catch me
not the burglar
no way
speak to me.
Speak to me.
Ha ha.
Mmm-hmm.
Ok, honey...
Let's see what you got
for me today.
Ohh...
Don't rush
to come out, now.
Everybody
gets a turn.
Very nice.
Come to mama.
Got you, you bastard.
[Door opens]
[Sniffs]
Aah!
I seen 'em!
I seen 'em!
I seen 'em!
I seen 'em!
I seen 'em
from the street!
They was runnin'
and duckin'!
Hey!
What's going on here?
What is she saying?
What's going on?
I've been robbed!
They come
through the hedge!
How many
were there?
I don't know!
2, 3 dozen.
Who were they?
Colored boys!
Maybe not!
Where did
they go?
Through the hedge!
Who are you?
I work for miss ornstein!
I don't know
what to do!
Let's go.
You, too.
No! no!
I got to go to work!
Wait here!
No, come on.
Let's go.
I think I see him.
This way.
I got to stop
doing this shit.
[Barking]
Carl: get...
Please...
Get in...
Aah!
I mean, first the guy
with the packages comes.
Then Mr. I'm-a-jogger-
for-my-health,
he comes back.
Then his friend
shows up.
I've been
watching this place
for 3 weeks.
Nothing
ever changes.
It's always the same.
I got to open up.
It's close to noon.
I'll see you later.
Bye.
Are you from here
or from out of town?
Hi. may I speak
to Abel Crowe, please?
Oh, really?
No, no message.
Thank you.
May I speak
with Abel Crowe?
All right.
Would you tell him
the rare book
he ordered
has come in? Yes.
No, he'll know.
Thank you.
Bye-bye.
Hi. is this it?
Yep, that's it.
Hold on one sec.
Sure.
[Buzzer]
Uh...what's that
all about?
That? nothing.
Don't worry about it.
This is it, huh?
Yeah.
Ok, let's see.
With federal,
state,
and local tax,
it's 56.67.
What?
That's right, 56.67.
That's what it says.
These machines
don't lie.
What, are you
on drugs something?
I got a used paperback.
Drugs? is that what
you have in the bag?
No.
What's in the bag?
Look, what the hell
is this?
Open the goddamn door.
You going
to make me?
If I have to, yeah.
I got a Smith & Wesson
under the counter, man,
pointing at you,
and if you if
you don't hurry up,
I'm gonna shoot you
right in the dick.
You can't do that.
Are you kidding?
Of course I can do that.
In
this neighborhood,
I can shoot
a customer a week
and get away
with it.
I can't believe
this is happening.
You want
to hurry up?
You're holding up
my other customers.
I don't have $56,
all right?
It's gonna
cost you 60.
I didn't know
you had this one.
Hey, lady,
fuck you.
In that case, put the
books on the counter.
Yeah, sure. Sure.
And don't you ever,
ever try to steal
anything
from me again,
you understand that?
Yeah.
Ok. get the fuck
out of here.
Yes. thank you.
You're welcome.
Have a nice day.
Babe.
That's about
the most bizarre thing
I've ever seen,
and I was a cop
for 25 years.
Usually, the customer
holds the proprietor up.
That's how it's
supposed to work, Bernie.
They come in here,
they hold you up.
How'd you
get in here?
You left
the back door unlocked.
I couldn't have
gotten in otherwise
because I don't know
how to pick a lock.
You got a permit
for that gun?
They giving ex-cons
permits these days?
Ray, I'm busy.
Yeah, yeah.
You look busy.
What do you want?
What do you
think I want?
I want $20,000
payable today right now.
And I want a mink coat
for my wife.
I'm getting tired
of asking for that, Bernie.
Ray, at the end
of the week,
everything's
gonna be very cool.
I give you my word.
I don't think so.
Why not?
Abel Crowe died last night
of a massive heart attack
at the St. Francis hotel.
Probably had a cholesterol
count of around 2,000.
So you better find another
receiver for that stamp
very, very fast,
my darling.
Who do you know
that takes stamps?
Not my problem.
My problem
is waiting around for you
to get the job done.
Ray, I'm not gonna do
something that's stupid,
and I won't hit somebody
who doesn't have it coming.
Please spare me your
ethical considerations.
You got a week.
A week?
Uh-huh.
Stamps.
Stamps are a New York business
for the most part.
See, I'm in a bit
of a fix.
You could fly
to New York.
I'm not sure
even then.
That's all right.
If you hear
of anybody, just...
I got
some other stuff.
This one I would
have trouble with.
It's very specific.
This one,
there's no problem.
1,000?
That's great.
I got this rolex
oyster perpetual.
The usual on that?
Yeah. thanks.
Always a pleasure.
Bernie,
i know you like
to find
your own things,
but you say
you're in a fix.
I know a long-time
customer.
I know the merchandise
involved.
It's very tempting.
IBM?
Sorry?
Italian businessman.
No, nothing like that,
nothing at all.
It's a dentist.
A dentist?
[Babies crying]
Maria dioso, por favor.
Bernard rho--
rhodenbarr?
Bernice, bernice.
Bernice rhodenbarr.
Yeah, it's nothing to
worry about, Mrs. Ramirez.
On your left.
[Door opens]
Buenos das. Como esta?
Bien.
Oh, an anglo.
Yeah, the epitome
of anglo.
Open up, please.
Uh, no.
Please open up.
No.
Open up.
No.
Please open up.
Where's the doctor?
Please open up.
Thank you.
Nice. nice choppers.
Uh-huh.
Uh-huh.
Uh-huh.
Uh-huh.
Uh-huh.
Uh-huh.
Uh-huh.
Uh-huh.
Ow! god damn.
I'm looking at your teeth.
Really?
Hi.
How we doing?
One cavity,
best as I can tell.
Cynthia: thank you.
You can take a break now.
Don't forget
your nuts.
Lower left molar.
Great. thank you.
Shut the door.
Well, open wide.
Come on.
Thank you.
Good girl.
Mr. paggif is
a very nice man.
Yes, he is.
He said
i could trust you.
He can trust me.
I've bought a lot
of jewelry from him,
jewelry I don't
have anymore.
Somebody stole it
from me,
my former husband.
I would like very much
to get that jewelry back.
Call the police.
Well...
Ok.
Aah!
It's on the house.
You need it.
Ok.
Most all of my business
is hispanic,
most of them
illegal,
so they pay cash,
unreported cash.
There. that'll be numb
in a minute.
Didn't feel a thing,
did you?
With this cash,
i bought jewelry.
When my husband
and I separated,
he went to
our safe deposit box
and cleaned it out.
There's nothing official
i can do about it
without the IRS
finding out.
Ok, open up
for Mr. thirsty.
He kees ha woolry
in tha houba?
What?
Does he keep the jewelry
in his house?
His apartment.
I don't know why.
Guess he likes to show it
to his girlfriends,
of which he has many.
Besides, he's not exactly
a rocket scientist.
I don't know about you,
but I've always been
a sucker
for a really nice
pair of buns.
[Turns on drill]
Aah!
Let's go.
Cynthia:
the apartment's simple.
There's no doorman
downstairs,
and I've even got a key.
Whellwy?
What?
Really?
Yes, really.
Christopher's
rarely there
because he's always
out in bars
screwing everything
he can get his hands on.
Bernice: mutt is
uh wooey uhled at?
What?
What is the jewelry
valued at?
Oh, umm...
About 100,000.
Bullshit.
Ok, it's more.
I'm prepared
to give you
$10,000 for the job.
Wider, please.
Unnhy five.
What?
25,000,
that's what I need.
But, my god!
You got the key.
I'll tell you
where everything is.
What could be easier?
You do it, then.
Jesus! god!
$25,000!
Take it or leave it.
[Drilling]
Ow!
When will you go in?
At night?
No, in the daytime.
You'll do it, then?
Maybe.
[Alarm beeps]
That's right, bitch.
Don't tell me
about the alarm.
[Alarm stops]
Hmm.
Gets around,
this Christopher.
[Telephone rings]
[Ring]
[Ring]
Hi. this is you-know-who.
I'm not you-know-where.
Leave a message when
you hear the you-know-what.
[Beep]
Woman's voice:
Hey, Christopher. It's Frankie.
I'll be hanging
at the mayday after 9:00.
I'd really like
to see you,
so come, ok?
Bye, baby.
Please!
[Rattles]
Oh, we got a definite
refrigerator man here.
Ah, yes.
Beautiful, beautiful.
[In Italian accent]
Very nice.
Is very, very nice.
Now, what's in the closet
for you?
Let's go and look.
This is very nice,
is so beautiful.
He's such
a good dresser.
And what's behind
door number 2?
Who knew this was there?
I didn't know.
Many beautiful things.
Great gatsby
would be very upset,
but what do I remember
from the other closet?
Let's go and see!
Oh, this is--
this won't do.
I would not watch
dogs fuck in this--
but this I would
watch dogs and cats--
[door opens]
Christopher:
apres vous.
[Woman laughs]
Fuck! fuck! Fuck! Fuck!
[Voices]
Shit. shit.
Woman:
will you stop?
I got to stop
doing this shit.
Christopher: ow!
[Woman
laughs]
Nobody's done that
to me in a long time.
Stereo: I want to
feel your body
I shouldn't--
i don't know.
What?
you shouldn't what?
No, you got
to do it.
Woman: aah!
[Groaning]
Oh! oh! Oh!
Oh! Ooh!
Aah!
Oh! oh! Uh! Aah!
Uhh! oh!
Oh! oh! Oh! Oh!
Oh! Oh! Oh!
Who is this guy?
Why don't i
have his phone number?
[Tape turns off]
Aah! aah! Aah!
Oh! oh! Oh!
Uhh! uhh!
Oh!
[Bang]
I'm coming!
Ohh!
I guess so. Come on.
Ohh!
Oh, oh!
Aah!
Oh. oh.
Oh, oh...
Ah.
[Shower running]
[Turns off shower]
[Door opens]
Man: Chris?
Christopher:
aw, shit.
What are you
doing here?
Why haven't you
returned my calls?
Look, forget about
returning your phone calls.
I haven't called you
in a week.
What the hell is going on?
There's nothing
going on, ok?
Don't walk away from me
when I'm talking to you.
Just relax.
I said don't walk
away from me!
Just get out--
what are you doing?
[Whimpering]
what is this?!
Ugh!
[Body falls to floor]
[Footsteps hurriedly
leaving]
[Door opens and closes]
[Telephone rings]
[Ring]
[Ring]
Excuse me.
[Ring]
Hi. this is you-know-who.
I'm not you-know-where,
so leave a message
when you hear
the you-know-what.
Ciao.
[Beep]
It's not like I've never
seen dead people before, ok?
I've seen
lots of dead people.
But this guy
was beyond dead.
I don't know what the fuck
that was sticking in his chest.
He looked like
a wind-up toy.
You got to be crazy,
really crazy
to stab somebody
like that.
This was very bizarre.
I don't understand.
You get out of jail,
don't do anything wrong,
and now
all of a sudden,
you start
doing jobs again.
Carl...
Do you ever think that
i might worry about you?
I don't have oodles
and oodles of friends.
If I lose you,
I'll lose
my best friend.
Carl, you don't know
what's going on.
Let me tell you
what's happening.
You know ray,
the gimpy cop?
He comes and he says,
"i got something that I think
you'd be interested in.
"I got a pair of gloves from
a San Mateo job 5 years ago.
You know why I know
they're yours?"
I say, "no."
He says, "because inside
there are fingerprints
because there's powder
in the gloves."
I didn't know this.
I leave these gloves there.
He picks them up,
he puts them downtown,
and all he has to do
is call somebody and say,
"i know where
these gloves are."
So I say, "ray,
what is it that you want?"
He says, "i want $20,000
and a mink coat for my wife,
and I want you
to get it."
That means
I'm pulling jobs again.
Tomorrow they're going
to haul my black ass
back to jail,
probably for murder now.
You got
any suggestions, Carl?
I don't know.
Maybe you could
go, like,
on the $25,000
pyramid,
you know,
get the money.
Carl, I think maybe
a better idea
is that you find yourself
a new best friend.
Cynthia on TV: I know good
dental care for your kids
is worth any price.
At the sheldrake clinic,
we make sure it's a price
you can afford.
In times like these,
you've got to ask yourself,
"why pay more?"
That's how we're used to
seeing Dr. Cynthia sheldrake,
but at 10:45 this morning,
she was taken into custody
on charges
of murdering her former husband
Christopher Marshall.
Marshall lived in this
fashionable area near Nob Hill.
His body was found early--
well, my darling.
Lunchtime, ray.
Is that right?
Hold it right there,
pickaninny.
How about our stamp?
Y'all want the stamp,
massa ray?
I get it for you
right now.
I don't want the stamp.
Bernie,
listen to me.
I don't want
the goddamn stamp.
I want the money you're gonna
get when you sell the stamp.
Then you know what
y'all got to do.
You got to
find us a buyer.
Or maybe you can mail
yourself to sun city
or wherever the fuck
retired policemans go.
Listen to me,
god damn it!
Get your hands
off me, ray.
Don't forget I was the state
prison boxing champ.
You're going
to get hurt.
Whoo!
boxing champion, huh?
As I recall, that was
a woman's prison.
I'm gonna slap
the shit--ow!
You don't listen,
that's your problem.
Bernie!
Oh, god!
Oh, god!
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I told you.
Let's calm down
now, ok?
You bitch!
Ray--
you lousy bitch!
Ray!
That's it!
That's it!
I'm reopening the case!
You'll be the state prison
boxing champion again!
You hear me!
Look! give me
a break, ray.
A week!.
I'll get you
2 fur coats!
Damn it!
Damn it!
Hi.
Oh, god!
I'm sorry.
I was out of town.
Oh, Carson!
Look at me.
Don't.
Don't worry
about that.
This is like
a terrible nightmare.
You've got
to get me out of here.
Please, please,
get me out of here.
They fingerprinted me.
They undressed me.
I'm wearing
cotton underwear!
The kind that comes
up to here!
Sit down.
Come on, please.
Did my guy bates
do ok?
Well, he came. He just
said you were coming.
He didn't say anything.
Who is he?
A lawyer
in my firm.
He's a child.
He's 27.
And those pictures!
Those
dreadful pictures!
Who's going to see
those pictures?
Let me tell you what's
going on, all right?
They're going to keep you here
because they think
the murder weapon
came from your office.
It's some kind
of a dental tool.
I know all that.
Probable cause.
What is that?
It means the police think
that maybe--
no, how long?
They can only keep you
for 72 hours.
Well,
how long is that?
What?
How many days?
That's, uh...
It's, uh...
Oh, Christ.
3 days.
3 days.
Jesus Christ!
I'm going to
die in here!
I'll choke
on my underwear!
Have you smelled
this place?
It's like a goddamn
clorox factory!
Cynthia,
listen to me, please.
You are not going
to die in here.
You didn't kill
Christopher, right?
Of course I didn't
kill him.
Then I'll get you out,
so don't worry, ok?
Huh!
Now, you told them
nothing, right?
No.
Good.
I mean no.
I did tell them
something.
What?
I told them
the other day
I was talking
to a patient of mine,
and I was telling her
how Christopher
just leaves
all this jewelry
all over the apartment
for anybody to steal.
A black woman, ok?
What are you saying?
That Christopher caught her
in the act, and she--
the police said
there was a burglary.
They did?
Mm-hmm. closet door
was broken into.
The alarm system
was tampered with.
I didn't know that.
Well, hell!
You're always
out of town!
What did the guy
call this?
An elevator.
Jeez.
You use this
to pull teeth out?
No wonder
they put you to sleep.
Hell of a murder weapon.
Just punch the guy.
What did you say
the address was again?
What's this?
It says here, "residence."
What do you think?
You want to go in?
What is this?
It says here,
"place of business."
What do you think?
You want to go in?
What are you doing?
What are you doing?
I'm gonna call
the department of corrections.
Maybe our friend
has a record.
...swept part
of the bay area today.
Bernice: ok, Mrs. kirschman,
if ray comes in,
would you ask him
to call me, please?
I got to apologize
for something.
All right, then.
Thanks. bye-bye.
[Telephone rings]
Carl?
Miss rhodenbarr,
my name is Carson verrill.
I'm Dr. sheldrake's lawyer,
and I think we should talk.
Really?
Why is that?
Uh, yeah.
I got to tell you,
Mr. verrill,
it doesn't look real
good for me tonight.
Uh-huh.
Yeah, I understand.
Look, I'll, uh,
I'll call you.
Ok? yeah, bye.
[Humming]
Open up!
Police!
[Banging]
Police!
let us in!
We have
an arrest warrant!
What do you
want to do?
She was on the phone
2 minutes ago.
Eiaighh!
[Bang]
Oh!
Oh!
Look out!
Oh!
[Crash]
Come on through!
You sure you got
a warrant on this?
Yes! I am sure!
Wrong address.
Those are
the wrong addresses.
This is
the right address.
Ok, ok.
This is amazing.
[Siren]
What are you
doing here?
I'm just looking.
Get out of here.
What's going on
up there?
It's nothing
to you. Go!
I don't have to go.
This is a free country,
and I pay taxes.
Aah!
That's hot!
Watch out!
It's hot!
[Alarm rings]
[Alarm continues]
[Alarm stops]
Thank god.
I've never seen
anything like this.
Ok, search
the entire place.
What are we
looking for?
Jewelry, burglary tools,
dope, what else?
A black woman.
A black woman.
Christ, I hope we got
the right address.
Hi.
And I just
did the floors.
Ain't this
a bitch.
P.A.: welcome
to the roundabout,
an extraordinary
aquarium experience
presented to you
by the California
academy of sciences.
Enter this lifelike
simulated realm
of the vast ocean's
swimming species,
a silent, watery world
known only to marine dwellers
and the occasional
deep-sea diver.
The fish swim within
an endless circular channel...
Do you mind?
Here you are surrounded
by a ring of bright sea water.
Bernie?
Nod or something.
Am I...
Am I talking
to the correct party?
Well, this
is ridiculous.
Sit down, counselor.
Let's go someplace
we can be alone.
No.
It's your ass,
you know.
Let me explain
something to you.
The police, even
if they were idiots,
would know that the last person
to use a dental instrument
in the commission of a murder
would be a dentist.
You, on the other hand, were
in Dr. sheldrake's office
and could have very easily
picked up such an item.
Are you listening?
You're in a lot of trouble.
What do you want?
I want to know if you killed
Christopher Marshall.
All right, were you
in the apartment
when he was killed?
Did you see
or hear who did it?
Tell me. I would
really like to know.
You tell the doctor
to keep her mouth shut.
I'm afraid it's
a little late for that.
Then you tell her
if they pop me for this murder,
she's a felony accessory.
You're a lawyer.
You know that.
Are you saying
she set this up?
Come on.
Don't fuck with me, man.
Ok?
Then it's her word
against yours,
which is very bad
for you,
unless, of course,
there was
someone else
who knew about
this arrangement.
There was.
I just don't
want to involve him.
Then take a boat,
take a plane,
see Argentina.
Or find out
who really did it.
Right! conduct
an investigation
while the entire
San Francisco
police department
is looking for you.
Take my advice.
It's free.
Disappear.
P.A.: we hope you enjoy
your visit and come back again.
Thank you.
You know...
Ray!
Telephone, ray!
Ok! all right!
Give me a break.
Goddamn phone.
Whole world's got to stop
for the goddamn phone.
Ray kirschman.
Ray, this is Bernie.
I need your help.
Just tell me exactly
why I should help you.
Listen to me.
Huh?
Ray, just listen.
You got a fur coat
for me yet?
What about that?
Huh? Huh?
I'm in serious
fuckin' trouble here.
I don't want to hear
about this other shit.
You understand?
Huh? huh? Huh?
Shit!
[Hangs up]
Hello?
Hello?
Carl: so, like, we're just going
to one bar after another?
Bernice:
that's the plan.
Looking for what?
People who knew
the dead man.
I can't
go in there.
It looks like
yuppies from hell.
Then I'll go alone.
No, wait.
Come in here.
Let's go.
One minute,
please?
Excuse me.
One minute.
If you coat your stomach
with olive oil,
you can drink
and not get drunk.
Is that a fact?
I read it in
wall street journal.
"Tips for executives
who entertain a lot."
What are you doing?
Putting it back.
You already opened it.
We have to pay for it.
I don't understand you.
You'd, like, steal
the Chrysler building,
but now we got to pay
for olive oil?
It's not what you steal,
it's who you steal from.
let's go dancin'
let's go dancin'
dancin' on the ceiling
kir royale,
please.
Think we stick out
in here?
What will it be?
Cranberry juice.
I'll have
a kir royale.
Just keep them coming.
I'll have, like,
a bucket of them.
Carl, Carl,
cool out.
Give him
one kir royale.
You got it.
What is wrong
with you?
I feel like I'm
at an amway convention.
Will you stop?
So many guys
come in here.
He looks
a little familiar.
Look real close.
You never went out with him?
Hi, ladies.
How are you today?
I'm drinking
the kir royale here.
Perhaps I could
buy you--
you're already
drinking something.
You probably don't want
to drink with me, huh?
What are you doing when you're
not driving young guys wild?
Was there
any one person,
any one
specific person?
Nah. always
somebody different.
He got more ass
than a toilet seat.
That is beautiful.
Guys, too,
if you ask me.
My name's
Carl hefler!
I'm a gemini.
I lost my keys
to my BMW.
You didn't see them,
did you?
Let's cut this shit.
Would you like to go
wah wah wah with me?
Are you guys cops?
Mm-hmm.
I knew it.
I fuckin' knew it!
The minute you walked in,
i knew it.
Really? my god.
Well, you see
that guy over there?
That's my partner,
and he is head
of homicide.
No shit.
Whoo!
ooh, yeah
I never thought
i would see it
now I know
that you were right
excuse me.
Bartender?
Can I get
3 black Russians.
Make that 4.
You want
4 black Russians?
Ok!
I would like to purchase
4 black Russians!
I've got a new way
of livin'
now that I'm
here with you
how's that olive oil
working?
I don't know, man.
Get away.
Leave me alone.
Get away.
I open at 9:00.
tough guys don't dance
they know it all
give them a chance
tough guys don't dance
they know it all
mind if we join you?
Just as long
as you're not
a couple
of fucking dentists.
With a guy
like Christopher,
he was like a bird,
you know?
You can't own him.
You just hope he'll
fly by and see you
every now and then.
You know what?
What?
You two smell
like a salad.
I think
i ought to go.
Get in.
Get in.
Watch your head.
Take him home.
Sure.
Night, Carl.
Good night.
You know what?
You look a little bit
like Elvis Presley.
Not when he was fat
and on drugs,
but, like,
before all that.
Um...where to?
Home.
Where's home?
How about we drive around?
I know I can pick it out.
It's got, like, a mailbox.
When a guy can screw
any woman he meets,
he winds up not having
too many friends.
Maybe he's too busy.
Maybe other men
don't like it.
I'd vote for jealousy,
if I voted.
I don't vote.
What about this artist
you mentioned, grambo?
Graybow.
Graybow.
"Gray" and then
like "bow."
Graybow.
Graybow.
Graybow always had
a lot of cash,
loved to grab a check.
I guess he sold
a lot of paintings.
Christopher
was friendly with him.
And knobby,
the bartender.
The three of them
would sit up there
at the bar
in a tight little huddle.
Sometimes they'd
talk all night.
Knobby
tends bar here?
Yeah, but I ain't
seen him
in a couple
of days--nights.
Happen to know
his real name?
You got me.
He's a real scumball
anyhow.
He's got no hair.
He's bald.
Uh, is there
anybody else
you can
think of,
anybody at all?
I can name
40 women he knew.
No.
You're not interested
in women?
Just the men.
Short list.
Look...
This is real
important to me.
Just think hard.
Please try.
That's not really
my forte.
Oh, yeah.
Here's Johnny.
He's an executroid.
A what?
You know
the bar Parkers?
Yeah, on 5th.
Yeah.
He was one of those
a 3-piece executroids
that hang out there.
Christopher always
called him Johnny.
"Here's Johnny!"
He'd say.
Happen to catch
his real name?
No, not interested.
What line of work
are you in?
I'm a cat burglar.
No shit.
What do you
do with them?
What?
The cats.
I hold them for ransom.
Is there any money in that?
Oh, Jesus.
Look who's asking if there's
any money in pussy.
[Knock on door]
Open up! Police!
[Knocking]
[Knocking]
Open up, please.
Police.
[Knocking]
Shut up!
Blah...
I'm coming.
Blah...
Ah! hi.
You're Carl hefler?
I am hefler.
Jesus.
Do you know
a bernice rhodenbarr?
No.
She broke into this man's
apartment and stabbed him.
She did?
Uh-huh.
We'd like to talk
to you about that.
But first we'd like you
to go brush your teeth.
If he's a
professional artist
living and working
in the bay area,
he'll be in here.
Thanks.
his name is graybow.
I know, dear,
i know.
Hmm.
Is, uh...This for sale?
It is.
Because I need something
to go over my bed.
Graybow. here it is,
right here.
Oh, really?
Thank you.
Thanks.
Charley Weaver,
Wally Cox,
Paul lynde.
Apparently,
there's something
a little bit
more mysterious
about
the secret squares
than we're ever led
to believe,
and I'm asking you,
cop, dude guy,
I want some answers
from you now pronto!
Oh, beautiful!
I'm bugged.
I'm being bugged.
Don't touch that. You signed
a release form for that.
So?
this is bullshit.
You're driving
me nuts.
Don't look at me
you're such
a condescending fuck--
I'm sorry.
I didn't mean that.
When I said that,
I was smirking
a little.
Are you ok?
I'm worried about you?
I'm fine. Thank you.
Do you know
that policemen
have the highest
rate of suicide?
So you think
I'm fucked up,
you better
be careful yourself.
Someday, boom!
In the closet.
That will be great
for your children
to find a big,
dead, old, fat cop.
You know
why I'm here?
It's because
I'm a black man
in a white man's
world!
You're a Caucasian,
Mr. hefler.
Beautiful! throw that
in my face, too!
And I...
And I look
like shit.
All right!
You got any mousse?
How's it going?
Not so good.
I can see
people in there.
It's looks like
a people aquarium.
Let him go
as soon as possible.
Hello!
Hey, what's
happenin', man?
I'm looking
for the apartment
of rayneta moody.
Oh!
What the fuck you
doing out there?
What the fuck
is wrong with you?
What are you doing
to my fuckin' door?!
I told you--
what are you doing
to my door?
I'm going to be ill soon.
Unless I get a glass
of water,
I'm going to vomit
all over you--
no, no,
don't throw up.
Hold it.
Goddamn junkies.
Egads, man, I was
just cruisin' by.
I'm looking
for rayneta moody
because they told me to
bring the stuff over here.
You probably
was real nervous
when you opened the door
and checked my ass out,
but I figured 5-0-0,
how many could there be?
Just drink it, shut up,
and get out.
No problem, man,
no problem.
Wow! this is really hip.
You a artist, huh?
Whoa! whoa!
Kick my ass.
I like this one
over here, man.
This remind me
of some trips I took
with some people
i know,
but it wasn't like we
wasn't going anywhere
because we'd
already arrived
by the time we left.
The fluidity
of this painting
is moving me
beyond belief
because the turnip
aspect of it
that is moving
my soul--
finish the water.
No problem, man.
Whoa! you got
that African shit.
Man, that's
really hip.
Like the brothers.
umbelly umbelly
badup badup
umbelly umbelly
badup badup
ai-ay ai-ay
ai-ay ai-ay
whoa!
Stand here,
don't move around,
and cut
the umbelly shit.
You got it, man.
I don't want
to upset you.
Oh, no,
i don't want to upset you.
I had a friend
who was into cleavers,
I said, "you shouldn't be
buyin' that shit."
He had a temper
really throw you...Off.
You know how people get
when they go off.
Like you off now,
but you ok.
You would not hurt me
because you got this
big, black-ass dog.
How was I supposed to know
the dog was mad?
I didn't want
to upset you or the dog.
God knows
I'm into save the animals.
Easy, oboe. Ommm...
The dog jumped at me,
talkin' shit to me.
Talkin', like, he was
really letting me know
that this was your space.
You know how people get,
which I can really dig,
because you a artist.
You into stuff,
you're moving and grooving
with the real thing.
Um...i...
i should go now, yeah.
All right,
who are you?
Whoa!
You're going to let me know
why you're here!
What do you think I am,
a goddamn idiot?
You're going to
tell me why you're here!
Tell me
or I'll cut you!
I'll tell you.
I promise, I promise.
I'll tell you this much.
Oh...
Artists.
Knobby.
[Speaking Italian]
Hey, knobby!
Everything is fine.
It's beautiful.
Don't worry. Ciao.
What?
Another one.
Man on TV: That's ridiculous.
Of course you are.
Woman on TV: But men
buy me things,
coats, scarves,
appliances,
acoustical
ceilings...
What'll it be?
Package delivery.
For who?
Just says mayday.
Here, I'll take it.
You got to sign for it.
Ke-no-bi...kenobi.
Is that like
in star wars?
No, idiot,
it's knobby.
Oh, so it's
like a nickname.
Yes, I think maybe it's
something like that.
Well, I'm going to need
your full name, please.
Sorry.
Come on.
It's the regulations.
Hey,
fuck you, ok?
Fuck you?
Thank you very much.
I come to give you
a fucking package,
and you blow me shit?
Like you're
my dream come true,
taking shit
from a dildo with ears?
When I was, like, 5, I said,
"dad! Dad! Can I get a job
where random fuckin' shitheads
blow me crap all day?"
I'm gonna break you
in fuckin' half
and use your head
as a ballpoint!
Now sign
the goddamn thing!
All right, all right,
I'll sign it. Jesus.
Print your name
under there.
Thank you.
You ought to
see somebody, pal.
Get some
professional help.
Ok. thank you very much.
Carl: what do you
expect to find
in this guy's place?
Bernice: I don't know.
Some evidence,
something that'll
keep my ass out of jail.
You got knobby's number,
knobby di carno?
Is he expecting you?
Yeah, he told me
to come by.
Name?
Sally ride.
[Buzz]
He's not in.
Damn. look,
let me slip something
under his door.
Come on,
you look reasonable.
That's funny...
Because I'm not.
think of life
as a tightrope
there's one way
in or out
I could fall
if I can't cope
but I'm stayin'
on my toes
don't give up
till it's over
what I should do
is think
this whole thing through
how did I get
in this fix?
time out
the feds
are up to their tricks
time out
out on a limb,
i sink or swim...
aaaah!
Whoa.
[Telephone rings]
[Ring]
[Ring]
[Bump]
[Bumping]
[Grrr]
Thanks for
meeting me, ray.
What's this?
It's a fur coat.
It's mink.
This is
a man's coat.
Nothing's perfect.
It is pretty nice.
Ok, fuck her. Let her
get her own coat.
Do you know
what's going on with me?
I hear you killed
somebody.
You got to talk
to the cops.
How come?
If you don't,
you won't get
your $20,000.
Besides, I know
who killed him.
I got the evidence.
It's a cabbage patch doll.
You're so dense.
No, no, no, no.
It was a guy named
graybow.
Graybow?
Uh-huh.
Now, look at these.
Voila.
Counterfeit plates,
found in his apartment
last night.
Good, huh?
I guess.
They're terrific.
Trust me.
Look at this.
This is why the paper
is so good.
He takes
a one dollar bill,
bleaches the ink off,
and prints 100 on it.
You kids go check out
this guy's apartment.
You'll find
some dental tools
just like
the murder weapon.
At least you'll find
that this guy
left town in a very,
very big hurry.
Well, maybe we should go
see this graybow guy.
Ok.
You want to come, ray?
Sure.
Why not?
Nyswander: they called us
at 6:00 this morning.
Same wound
as on the other guy,
same position, same depth.
Todras:
what do you say, ray?
How about helping
us pick up your friend?
Or does she make a fool
of you on a regular basis?
Or maybe we should
hold you, ray.
That could be
arranged.
Yeah.
We could put
that together.
Then it's got to be
this guy, the bartender.
What's his name? Knobby.
Knobby, right.
What about the pope?
Maybe he
snuck over--
look, the--
these cats were involved
in something
worth a lot of money.
2 of them are dead.
One is not. It's simple.
Mm-hmm.
I left knobby's apartment
with half a million dollars.
Made with those plates?
I figure we split it
down the middle.
[Police radio]
What's going on, ray?
Did you roll me over?
In the clover,
my darling.
They'll take you
when we come out.
Ray, babe, you know
i don't kill people.
It's out of my hands.
I'm not going back
to jail,
and I will spill blood
before I do.
Bernie, just tell them
what you know.
Maybe you're right.
This knobby guy--
look, give me
a shot, ray.
Ok? just a shot.
At what?
Just a shot.
Where are you going?
To the bathroom.
Just remember,
you started this shit.
What's she doing?
She went potty.
[Italian opera music plays]
Thank you, Jesus.
[Horn honks]
[Siren]
And they're off.
Damn!
[Motorcycle's siren]
Trust me.
Break it off.
No.
Come on,
break it off!
No!
Brake!
Shit!
We got her.
Hold on.
Damn it!
Hey! hey!
Shoot her!
I'm not gonna shoot her!
They'd shoot her
in L.A.
We're not in L.A.!
Clear the sidewalk.
Get your butts
out of the way.
The city of San Francisco
thanks you.
I thank you, too.
Get out of the way!
Move!
Police officers!
Move! Move!
And I'll tell you
another thing.
You should have let me
kick in the door.
I'm sorry, but I think
that needs saying.
What are you
afraid of?
You got something
for us?
I got robbed, I swear.
We finance you,
and you stiff us?
I was robbed, man.
Somebody killed my partners.
Get in the car.
Maybe you killed them.
I'm begging you, please!
Good night, Charlie.
I didn't do it, you know.
Yes, ma'am.
I just want
to take a bath...
A nice hot bath.
That's all I ever
really wanted anyway.
TV: follow the leaders
to Sutton.
TV: Anthony!
Anthony!
Anthony marquinetti lives
in Boston
in the Italian north end.
The home of the prince
spaghetti company...
Good god, I didn't leave
the television on
for 3 days, did I?
Aah! you!
Hi, doc.
What are you
doing here?
Frankly,
I didn't know
where else to go.
Where's my jewelry?
I don't know.
Maybe you got it.
Call the police, Carson.
No, Carson, don't.
Why shouldn't I?
Because I'm at the end
of my rope.
That's why.
What is it you want?
I'd like you to tell me
everything you know
about Christopher,
starting with junior high.
Oh, please.
Fine. I'll tell you
everything I know.
You killed him. What
else is there to know?
Christopher was in
the counterfeiting business.
What?
Look, it's been
a tough day.
Tell me about it.
First I thought
this artist killed him,
but then the artist
turned up dead.
And then I thought
this bartender killed him,
and then this bartender
turned up dead.
I swear, every time
i think I figured out
who killed this guy,
they end up dead.
And I am running
out of suspects.
I see.
Um, excuse me.
Could I just interject
a quick question here?
Sure.
Who gives a shit?
I just want a hot bath.
So now, doc,
I'm back to you.
Have you seen
my briefcase lately?
What the hell
are you talking--
what the hell is she--
would you do something
about this, Carson?
Now, look, miss.
[Click]
See, Christopher was robbed.
Whoever robbed him
took my briefcase
thinking that the counterfeit
money was in there,
but it wasn't 'cause
the bartender had that.
Jesus, I can't
follow any of this.
You can't?
You didn't seem to have
any trouble following my ass
to Christopher's house
the night I burglarized it.
There, you see,
she was there.
Yes. but then
so were you.
What?
Come on, that was you
in that room,
screwing that man's pants off
while I hid in the closet.
I beg your pardon!
You wear more perfume
than any dentist
I've ever known.
The room reeked of it.
Joy, isn't it?
You slept
with Christopher?
Bernice:
slept with him?
Honey, the bitch
knocked holes in the wall.
Ok! so I did.
So what?
Big deal. There's
a distinct difference
between killing people
and fucking them.
TV: this is
a grade "a" chicken...
Turn this
damn thing off!
TV: this chicken is skinny.
Look...
What are you doing?
Get away from me.
Where is the jewelry?
Ha ha ha.
Leave me alone.
Did you have someone
kill him for you?
No. Carson,
would you please--
I heard a man's voice,
but you could fake that.
Absolutely not.
Carson!
TV: raid!
And now,
ladies and gentlemen,
here's Johnny!
Carson!
[Tonight show theme music
plays]
[Turns TV off]
I didn't do anything.
All I wanted was
a little roll in the hay
for old times' sake...
But...you shouldn't
have to go
to the electric chair
for that.
It's not fair.
I think you've said
enough, don't you?
It's not fair.
Yeah. I think I have.
Oh.
I'll get a lawyer.
I already have a lawyer.
Verrill: I don't know
who's responsible
for drawing it up
but I don't like it.
We'll never
win the case
with work like that.
Excuse me a second.
Mayor feinstein?
Mm-hmm.
I wonder what she wants.
Hello?
I know it was you,
asshole,
and I can prove it.
Who is this?
Guess.
Look, I'm in a very
important meeting.
I got a very important
meeting with the cops.
About what?
You and Christopher.
What about me and--
what about us?
Oh, I know everything.
I've even got a witness,
a good friend of Christopher's.
Oop. got to go,
counselor.
Uh, no, wait, uh...
Look...look,
i have no idea
what this conversation
is about,
but, uh...What is it
that you want?
It's very easy.
I want my bag back
with everything in it.
And then what?
I don't know.
Take a boat, maybe a plane,
go visit Argentina.
I'll be out of here
by dark.
Where would you like
to meet me?
Stern grove, 2:00,
by the stage. Be there.
Gotcha.
Nice weather
we're having, counselor.
Where's the gun?
Where's my jewels?
Dr. sheldrake's jewels.
I don't think so,
not after all this shit.
First, the gun.
Throw it.
Throw it? You know
how much these things cost?
Throw it as far
as you can.
Shit.
Where's my stuff?
In the trunk of my car.
Get it.
First you tell me
what you know.
I know everything.
I know you killed
Christopher,
and I know you killed
the artist
'cause he knew
you were involved.
I did, huh?
Yes, counselor verrill.
Let me ask you
something.
Do you think
that I would--
a very
successful lawyer
with a thriving
law firm--
would go around
killing people
for counterfeit money?
No, I think that
was an afterthought.
I think you killed
Christopher
because you were
in love with him.
I didn't figure that one out
until last night.
See, I thought you were
pissed at the doctor,
but you were pissed
at Christopher, weren't you?
I have a wife
and 3 children.
All the worse for them.
I never even knew
Christopher Marshall.
Really? Frankie!
Who's this?
That's Frankie.
You know Frankie.
She knows you.
Here's Johnny.
I don't know you.
Sure, you do.
You're
Christopher's friend.
I've seen you together
a couple of times.
That's
a goddamn lie.
He told me all about you.
I slept with him, too,
every now and then.
This is preposterous.
This is all lies.
What did he tell you?
You know, the whole plan
about how you sort of
figured it all out for him.
He said, "that goddamn verrill,
boy, is he smart.
"Verrill thinks
we should do this
verrill thinks
we should that--"
that's enough.
But I don't think
he completely trusted you,
or else he wouldn't have
recorded your pillow talk.
Look, nobody has to know
about any of this.
I'll go to my car.
Thank you.
Carson, you want to tell me
what happened to the money
the mafia gave knobby?
Um, well, it's at my home.
Great. we can pick it up on
the way to the airport.
All right.
Hey, mister, why did you
have to kill him?
Why?
Because...
Because...
Because...because he didn't
give a shit about anybody!
Oh, my god.
Explain this, bitch.
Ray!
I didn't know.
I'm sorry, Frankie.
It doesn't hurt.
Doesn't hurt much
at all.
Well, Jesus,
i guess not.
[Dogs barking]
Banzai!
[Dogs barking]
Carl, which way
did he go?
That-a-way.
Uh!
You fucking bitch,
I'll kill you
with my bare hands!
Why? are you out
of ice picks?
Ah!
Damn you!
Oh!
Bernie! Bernie!
No, this way!
Over here!
Bernie! Bernie!
Bernie!
Bernie!
Bernie!
So, Mr. i-can-dump-you-in-the-
pool-anytime-i-feel-like-it,
where the hell do you
think you're going now?
Come here.
Yeah. come here.
Boy, I'm pissed at you.
Come on.
Now your ass
is grass.
Uh! god!
Bernie!
Bernie!
Bernie!
Bernie: Carl. Carl,
quit yelling. Over here.
You ruined my life,
my 'do,
and my
manilow tapes.
Bernie!
Yeah, I'm here,
I'm here.
Bernie, you're ok!
Ha ha! Ha ha ha!
Carl, Carl, calm down.
Breathe. breathe.
Chill.
What happened
to your head?
What happened
to your nose?
It's all right.
Did you get everything
on the tape?
Oh, yeah.
Oh, yeah.
I also popped
the trunk of his car.
You stopped to do that
and didn't come
to help me?
First things first,
my darling.
Carl, come here.
Now, look.
Now, if he moves
or even looks like
he's gonna wake up,
crown him.
Ok.
Wasn't anything on the tape
about the jewelry?
Not that I recorded.
[Banging]
Carl. Carl!
Carl, I said
only if he wakes up.
I thought
i saw him move,
like,
just a little bit.
Yeah.
I got to stop
doing this shit.
Yeah, sure,
Bernie, sure.
No, really.
It's in your blood.
You can't quit.
Take it from
somebody who knows.
Oh, really, Mr. I'm-a-
detective-in-a-chintzy-coat-
with-a-retirement-plan,
really?
Really, my love.
Say, there, ray,
you're kind of cute.
Hey, god damn it.
I could
get behind you.
Bernie, what
are you doing?
I want to talk
to you, ray.
I want to get
up in your face.
As a matter of fact,
i think I'm gonna
get up in your face
and tell you this
to your mug.
Keep your behind
out of my bookstore
because I know
you can't read.
Bernie, I thought
we were a team.
Team this, honey.
Hey, get off me
and go get Carl
before
he kills that guy.
I'm not going
back over there.
I just came
out of the water...
anytime my eyes
are tellin' you a story
there's a happy endin'
but what you might hear
isn't always
what I'm sayin' to you
oh, yeah
when you read my lips,
you're takin' inventory
so I keep pretendin'
oh, I need
time out
how did I get
in this fix, baby?
time out
the fates
are up to their tricks
time out
I'm out on a limb,
i sink or swim
time out
'cause I'm takin' leave
think of life
as a tightrope
there's one way in
or out
I could fall
if I can't cope
but I'm stayin'
on my toes
don't give up
don't give up
till it's over
over
what I should do
is think
this whole thing through
time out
some days
you've got to think fast
time out
you hope
your luck's gonna last
time out
I'm out on a limb,
i sink or swim
time out 'cause
I'm cashin' in, baby
time out
how did I get
in this fix?
time out
the fates
are up to their tricks
time out
I'm out on a limb,
i sink or swim
time out
'cause I'm cashin' in
time out
time out
some days you've
got to think fast
time out
you hope
your luck's gonna last
time out
I'm out on a limb,
i sink or swim
time out 'cause
I'm cashin' in, baby
time out
oh, how did i
get in this fix?
time out
the fates
are up to their tricks
time out
oh, I'm out on a limb,
i sink or swim
time out
'cause I'm cashin' in
oh, no
time out
heaven only knows
what I can do now
heaven only knows
i should cut this out
so I turn around
and ask myself
what this world
is all about
heaven only knows
i should cut this out
heaven only knows
i can't do without
heaven only knows
i should cut this out
and I turn around
and ask myself
what this world
is all about
heaven only knows
i should cut this out
heaven only knows
i can't do without
heaven only knows
i should cut this out
Warner Bros.
Captioned by the national