1
"Life is whittled."
"Life's a riddle."
"Man's a fiddle
that life plays on."
"When the day breaks."
"And the earth quakes."
"Life's a mistake all day long."
"You tell me who gives
a good goddamn."
"You'll never get out alive."
"Don't go dreaming."
"Don't go scheming."
"A man must test his mettle."
"In the crooked ol' world."
"Starving in the belly
starving in the belly."
"Starving in the belly
of a whale."
"We're starving in the belly
starving in the belly."
"Starving in the belly
of a whale."
Aaah!
"Should auld acquaintance."
"Be forgot."
"And never brought to mind."
"Should auld acquaintance..."
"In days of auld lang syne."
"For auld lang syne."
"My dear..."
"We'll take a cup."
"Of kindness yet."
"For the sake."
"Of auld lang syne."
It was a cosmic mistake...
that we got this far.
One of us is a coward.
I don't think it's me.
Happy New Year, Buster.
Hey, we got your cave
surrounded, huh?
So, come out with your hands up.
Come on, Buster,
this is your last chance.
Buster.
Come on,
Buster, come on, Buster.
The cost of
a fishing license is scheduled
to go up 10% next month
and that has a lot of
fishermen rushing to the river.
They want to make sure
that they're able to use
their current licenses before
they have to pay the hike.
And in other news, Buster is
back and roaming the hillsides.
The identity of the mountain
man remains a mystery.
The only image authorities have
is a five-second clip
captured on a rancher's
security camera last winter
several counties away.
The Sheriff's Department
believes this hermit
lives off the land
in the warmer months
and survives the winter by
breaking into empty vacation homes
for food and shelter.
He's earned the nickname "Buster"
from calling in
to radio shows with wild rants.
The calls increase in frequency
in the days
leading up to New Year's.
Y'all a bunch of sheep!
You know that?
Hey, Buster,
can you tell us where you are?
You're wasting your time.
I'm not Buster!
Buster!
Maybe.
Buster has managed
to evade capture
for nearly five years.
Although he's committed
no known violent crimes,
authorities consider him
armed and dangerous.
Well, yeah,
we're gonna find him.
He can only keep this up
for so long.
Hey, uh, Buster?
Look, if you're listening, well,
we're on your scent now.
We're gonna get you.
So why don't you save us
all a lot of trouble
and turn yourself in?
"He's got the whole world."
"In his hands."
"He's got the whole wide world."
"In his hands."
"He's got the whole world."
"In his hands."
"He's got the whole world."
"In his hands"
"...whole world in his hands."
"He's got the little bitty baby."
"In his hands."
"He's got the little bitty baby..."
Hi. Baby!
"He's got the little bitty baby."
"In his hands."
OK, now is this... Is that good?
Is that clear?
One or two?
- This.
- That one?
- Two.
- OK.
"He's got
the whole wide world..."
Really? Please.
"He's got the whole world."
Good job, sweetie.
You want to sit here?
- Why is he doing that?
- Baby, sit up tall.
"He's got you and me,
brother..."
I miss you, too.
I love you.
Yeah, yeah.
Put the little monster on.
I'm sorry I haven't seen you.
You were asleep when I got home,
and I had to take a nap.
Daddy had to take a nap too.
You get to hear my voice.
Love you.
Put your mom back on.
Hey.
Good night.
I love you.
Bye.
You don't have to help me.
I want to help you.
But you're already too tired.
Look at your eyes.
You know, my love...
I talked with your mom.
She doing okay?
Yes, she's good. For sure.
She asks about you.
I think...
it's been too long
since you called her.
I'll call her tomorrow.
For sure?
Yes.
You promise?
Yes.
Good.
t u r k c e a l t y a z i . o r g
The dark ages, 1994.
...thousand dollars was...
Oh!
Uno.
Why no?
Why no? Uno.
Can you say it? Uno.
Uno.
Dos.
Two.
Two O's!
Two O's is dos O's.
Dos, say it.
- Mm.
- Dos.
Great.
- Tres.
- Three.
Exactly.
Tres.
Can you try it?
- Tres.
- Perfect.
Four is cuatro.
Cuatro.
Don't you think
it's a little confusing
to teach your daughter Spanish
before she knows English?
No, I think she's perfectly
capable of learning both.
Aren't you? You like Spanish?
- Yeah.
- There you go.
- Good morning.
- Buenos dias.
- Here, baby.
- Buenos dias, papi.
Buenos dias, mi amore.
You know, this cartoon
is a little pornographic.
- It's her favorite.
- It's her favorite, right?
He doesn't have clothes on.
I know. He's free.
- Free?
- Free.
He's so free.
He's trying to escape the way
everything works
and do it his own way.
I saw they were selling parcels
of land up at Priest Creek.
Really?
Yeah, that would be perfect
for us.
That stretch of water
is just full of fish.
You know, between that
and the garden,
we could be self-sufficient,
you know, work part-time.
Maybe even not at all.
Yeah. That would be nice.
I know that
the Holy Father exists.
And I know that he loves us.
But I didn't always know.
I used to be someone else.
I was strung out on drugs.
I was abusing my body.
I hated myself.
I hated everyone else.
I gave testimony
that this congregation
gave me my life back.
I am eternally grateful
to my husband, Jonah.
I'm grateful that he found faith
in his heart
so that he could be with us
as a family.
Once you've seen
inside the machine...
they don't let you leave.
I propose that the universe
is both infinite and finite,
infinite energy in a finite system.
This is due to sphincters.
Everything is controlled by sphincters,
black holes to butt holes.
Now the universe is shaped like an apple
and through its core runs
a secret passageway,
completely through it.
When the great inversion occurs,
the spin of the...
Sorry to keep you waiting.
How can I help you?
I need a room. Smoking, please.
All of our rooms are non-smoking.
Just need a credit card and ID.
I don't have either.
I don't believe in them.
I can't let you check in
without an ID.
Everything these days is
designed to trap a man, don't you think?
I'm sorry, sir,
I can't help you.
Tell you what,
let me buy you a drink.
The bar's closed.
- Yeah, but you can open it.
- I don't drink.
Even better.
What do you actually do?
What's your title?
Concierge.
Concierge.
Hey, hang on, man,
you can't do that here.
Concierge comes from
the Latin conservus,
which means "fellow slave."
Don't take that personally.
You're not the only person
trapped in the machine.
In fact, there are very few
free men left.
Oh, let me guess,
you're one of them.
- I feel like I know you.
- Doubtful.
What do you do?
Computer systems engineer,
consultant.
See, uh...
for millions of years,
man roamed free under the stars.
Only the strong and the lucky
survived and procreated.
It was absolutely brutal.
All sex was rape.
- You know the drill.
- I don't.
It was, until one day Eve
flipped the script.
She introduced Adam
to her fruit,
which is really just code
for clitoris.
And the whole system
got rebooted, bong,
the first inversion.
Little by little, we started
to build civilization in binary:
Logic, rules,
inputs and outputs.
But see, there's a catch.
The better the system, the more
trap it is for the individual.
We've walled ourselves in.
Now, what I do for a living
has to do with termite control.
There's a bug in the system.
Not many people know about it
yet, but they soon will.
Ever heard of Y2K?
- No.
- No.
When we hit the year 2000,
our computer systems,
they're gonna fail.
System reboot on a global scale.
I'm talking economic collapse,
security breaches
on every level.
Pentagon, CIA,
it's gonna be a bloodbath.
- How do you know?
- How do I know?
Sources on the inside,
backwater channels
with like-minded hackers,
burning fucking bushes
everywhere I look.
I'm the prophet
of the second inversion.
Whew.
Hey, you hungry?
I think you should go.
I'm like a roving exterminator.
I find bugs, I fix the binary.
Ever heard of
mutually assured destruction?
Hmm-mm.
Thanks.
What did you say
your name was again?
I didn't. I don't.
I just gave you a dollar
and you're not gonna tell me your name?
I told you,
I'm the last free man.
Companies pay me in cash to keep my
mouth shut about their insecurities.
I'm running around repairing
holes on a sinking ship, and for what?
So the people
in the first class can survive
while the rest of us
in the underclasses drown?
No, this doesn't
sit right with me.
You and me, us regular folks,
we need to come up
with an escape plan.
Have you got a family?
All the more reason for a plan.
I have high-level security clearances and
I've seen things I wasn't supposed to see.
I'm starting to think I'm on a hit list,
that people out there want to see me gone.
Hey, you gonna give me
a room tonight or what?
Let him go high up.
I'm gonna wind it for you.
Hip hop.
Hey, baby.
- Bye.
- Bye.
- I'll see you later.
- Okay, have a good day.
You, too.
Papi.
- Papi?
- Hmm?
Papi?
Wake up, papi.
Wake up!
Wake up!!!
Nagasaki was...
You are very, very dangerous!
That's what it is,
you know, it's Y2K apocalypse.
If the world really does
come to an end on New Year's,
I'm going to bequeath you...
Bequeef.
What is a bequeef?
It's a manly version
of the queef.
It comes all the way up from
my thighs like a sumo wrestler.
I flex and it shoots up my thighs and it
comes straight out of my little weenus.
Okay. On that note,
we're going to take some calls.
Countdown to the year 2000.
Are you ready for Y2K?
If the world ends,
what will you bequeef?
Give us a call. You know the number.
Hello, you're on the...
The inversion's coming.
- Hello.
- Hello, you there?
The inversion is coming.
- Buster, is that...?
- Oh, no.
This guy is our favorite caller.
He calls in all the time,
completely out of his mind.
How's it going, buddy?
Listen up, you shits; I can tell
by the cloud formations,
the machine's gonna
crank to a halt
and that's when
the passageway opens up
and we can pass through
one at a time.
Buster, you are a dream to us.
You have no idea the joy
that you bring us.
As soon as you go to jail, buddy, I'm
gonna make "Free Buster" bumper stickers.
I'm not going to jail!
I'm the last free man!
I'm going straight up through
the ass hole to the mouth!
You shits are gonna get fucked!
Of all people, you most
clearly see the predicament
of the human condition.
Your heart is heavy with
the burden of this knowledge.
Taurus, you are a rebel.
Those in power see you
as a glitch in the machine,
a bug in the system.
Horoscopes
for a dollar per minute.
Taurus, your heart
is true even when it's broken.
The time is running out.
The fabric of the universe
must be repaired.
Cannot escape...
Hello, you've reached
the Lomaxes.
- Paul.
- Donna.
- Brandy.
- And Chambers.
We're either out hunting
or in sunny Orlando.
Leave us a message
and we'll get...
Right back!
Hey, Paul Bill Western here.
Hey, are you guys back in town?
I saw lights heading up
the hill last night
and thought, oh,
probably better check.
I'd also saw on the television
that old Buster
might be back up on our ridge,
so keep your weapons loaded.
Anyway, hey,
if I don't hear from you,
I'll swing up this afternoon
and make sure
all is good in the fort.
All right,
happy holidays, my friend.
"By the rivers of Babylon."
"I shall return."
"And there I shall be."
"When you remember my love."
- Hey, Paul, Bill Western here. Hey...
- "By the rivers of Babylon".
Message deleted.
"I met you."
"And I learned to feel."
You promised I'd be
switched to days.
I thought Dale was being transferred to
Salt Lake or I never would have promised.
- Why can't Dale do nights?
- He's got seniority.
What do you want me to do about it, Jonah?
I'm in a bind as much as you.
I worked nights for five years.
You'll adjust.
You just need a sleep mask
and some earplugs.
Look, why don't you take home
those curtains
that we replaced in room 307?
Take them home with you, gratis.
You just need to make
your room dark like a cave
so that you can trick your body
into thinking it's night.
Hey, where have you been?
At work.
Can you feel her head?
I think she has a fever.
She feels fine.
- Really?
- Yeah.
You feel okay, baby?
I feel okay.
Really?
So, what's your plan for the dog?
I thought you were getting rid of it.
Ryan is allergic and the dog sheds.
I am not living my life like this.
Whatsoever thou shalt lose...
Want to help with some pancakes?
Yeah. I'm going to make
papi some food.
Yeah, he's going to eat
breakfast just like we did.
This is my house.
We're going for a walk.
"Go tell it on the mountain."
"That Jesus Christ is born."
"While shepherds kept their watching..."
Can you please turn that off?
Yeah.
Go on, baby, let's watch
TV in the living room.
"...a holy.."
There you go. Cartoon time.
Hey.
Hey.
What's going on?
Nothing.
Hmm.
You know,
I went and looked at apartments yesterday
to see if there was anything
decent in our price range.
They're actually not that bad.
I was thinking since Roxy's almost
old enough to go to preschool,
we won't need Pauline to watch her anymore.
Have our own space.
Are you okay?
No, I'm not okay.
I'm tired.
Work hard...
SO we can...
build this piece of land like we planned to
and raise our daughter
the way we planned to,
have the family we planned to have.
You go out looking for apartments.
You never told me you were
looking for apartments.
Didn't tell you because this is the
way you act when I talk about it.
What do you want?
We are nowhere near having the amount of
money we need to buy a piece of land.
And what if we get it? You don't
know how to build a fucking house.
Are we gonna pitch a tent?
We have a two-year-old.
What's your solution? We keep paying
rent for the rest of our lives?
My solution is we get out.
We find space of our own.
We find a way to be happy
outside of this fucking house.
Oh, and we pay rent,
every month, every month,
for how many years,
becoming what,
slaves to this system
like everybody else.
And she becomes a slave, too.
She needs something different.
We need mountains. We need dirt.
We need air!
Can't live here.
And then what's the point?
What's the point of living here
for three years
with that fucking bitch?
Huh?
What were we doing?
What were we saving for?
Just part of this cycle.
We become part of this fucking
cycle, the same goddamn shit!
Is that what you want?
What's your fucking plan?
Sorry.
Don't be scared.
You have to trust me.
That was not me, okay?
I'm sorry.
- Yes, it was.
- I'm sorry.
Everything's going to work out.
Please don't come near me.
Don't do that.
Everything's gonna be fine.
I promise you.
You just have to trust me.
I'm gonna take care
of the three of us.
I can't get any traction.
I drive into work.
I got the sinking
sensation again.
It's right in my heart like...
couldn't breathe.
Like my heart wasn't made right.
When that happens, I just want to run away.
I get this urge...
to just go as far away
from everyone as possible.
Where would you go?
I don't know.
South maybe.
I'd always wanted to know
what it's like
to go fishing in the ocean.
The thing is...
I know how lucky I am.
Don't get me wrong, man, I'm...
I'm so grateful
for everything...
for Marty...
for Roxanne.
I won the lottery.
I just wish I could get
some traction.
The machine's designed that way.
Dangles a carrot so you keep trying.
But you'll never taste it, no way,
not if you play by the rules.
I bet you don't get too many
opportunities at a hotel like this.
It's not exactly the Ritz.
No.
But there are opportunities.
All those million-dollar
vacation homes on the mountain,
the ones that stay empty
9/10 of the year,
the owners fly in on
those tiny little airplanes.
It's the only way to access
this side of the range.
What happens, the wind
picks up, planes can't fly,
which means they're
stuck staying at this hotel
when their flights get delayed.
Happens all the time.
The rich ladies, I'm pretty
sure they keep all their jewelry
in their carry-ons.
Nobody wants to check
their diamonds.
Most of these people
I'm talking about,
they sleep one night here and they're
gone by sunrise to catch a plane.
Most of them never even leave their rooms.
But sometimes they check in early enough
that the restaurant's still open.
Husband usually orders a steak
and keeps his eyes glued on the game
while the wife slowly gets drunk.
There you are, enjoy your stay.
The trick is to only take one,
maybe two pieces, from each bag,
and you can't take the most
expensive thing either
or they'll know
they've been robbed.
You want them thinking
they must've just forgot to pack that ring,
not that it was stolen.
Well, if he was here,
he left it pretty clean.
That's usually what he does.
It's kind of his signature.
- Is this part of it, too?
- Is that fresh?
- How would I know that?
- Is it warm?
- You want me to touch it?
- Give it to me.
This is 48-hour scat.
He's got to be close.
Yeah... Why don't we
send a car around,
every house in the area,
and start knocking on doors?
Because he's too smart for that.
He's already increased his radius.
He's out there deeper
into the territory
where houses are
ten miles apart at least.
I give him one thing,
he's got stamina.
What do we think this means?
It looks like a cooking onion to me.
Or a round bale of hay?
Could be a map.
Looks like there's a asshole
on the top and the bottom,
like an onion with...
with two assholes in it.
A double, a double butt.
Oh, fuck.
You're so fucking good,
fucking me just like that
with your cock.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God, I'm so wet.
I have never been this wet
in my entire life.
I'm being honest with you.
Oh, my God, yes, I've been
waiting for this for so long.
Your cock is so...
Hello?
Don't stop.
Keep going.
I'm so wet.
Oh, baby, you're fucking good, yeah.
Keep doing it to me just like that.
Just like that.
It's coming.
Oh, my God, you're coming?
Come for me.
- No.
- Come for me.
- It's coming.
- Yes, it's coming.
You're coming?
The inversion is coming.
Listen, mister, this is gonna be
a really expensive phone bill.
Head for the hills.
It won't be long now.
Get to the highest point.
You want to be closest to the sphincter
when the clock strikes midnight.
Ah, sphincter.
Dive in head first
and never look back.
This place has
so much opportunity.
It is America in a nutshell.
And we got to take advantage of it,
and it's a beautiful thing.
People come through here
and we rub shoulders with them
and these are people at the corporate
level, making decisions, hiring, firing,
people that think in
three-to five-year chunks.
We could be those people.
The only thing separating us
and those people is an MBA...
...Jonah? Did you ever think
about getting your MBA?
I'd have to start
at the bottom, get my GED.
You didn't graduate high school?
How did you get this job?
Showed them my criminal record.
What?
Jonah, I need to see you in my office.
In a minute.
Right now.
I think you know why I called you in here.
I'm not sure that I do.
Is there anything that you
want to tell me, Jonah?
Anything you want to come clean about?
I found these in your employee locker.
Irrefutable evidence, Jonah,
you're abusing caffeine.
You're right.
I've been abusing caffeine.
I just called you in
because I care about you.
I don't want to see your life
go down the crapper, alright?
- You understand?
- Mm-hmm.
Heck, I feel culpable
in all this.
You came in for help,
you asked for it,
and I turned a blind eye.
Listen, I've been
giving this thought.
A couple of young guys like us
shouldn't spend that much time
away from their family.
You're here all night,
you sleep all darn day.
You need a staycation.
A what?
Coined the term myself.
It means you take a vacation
but you stay put.
I want you and Marty
take a look at your calendar,
pick a weekend,
and then she and Roxy
can come stay here
at the hotel with you.
Pick out one
of those handicap suites
with plenty of leg room,
completely gratis.
You still have to work
your night shift,
but at least you get
to see more of them.
I suppose you'll want
your out now.
I did dip into your half
for some incidentals,
business expenses.
I was planning to pay you back
with my cut from future jobs
but you're pulling the plug
on the whole operation.
Where am I dropping you?
Bus station's fine.
Such a big-shot, Y2K.
What about you?
One scare and you're pulling
the plug on the plan?
- Yep.
- I thought we were friends.
I don't even know
your fucking name.
It's bigger than Y2K.
That's just the tipping point.
We're about to witness
a cosmological shift that breaks all bonds.
No one likes a prophet, but
I tell you this because I care.
If you want to save
your family, the only way
is to send them through the wormhole early
before the inversion.
That way they're ahead of the shift, and
they won't get lost in the undertow.
Enough.
When the inversion happens, everything
will seem upside down, reality shifts.
What's right is wrong,
what's wrong is gonna be right.
Enough!
Okay, just shut the fuck up.
I can't listen
to this shit anymore.
You're not the prophet
of anything.
You're a fucking lunatic.
And we're not friends.
It's over, okay?
Why do mommy and dad need privacy?
'Cause they don't like somebody
to go in the bathroom and see them.
- Oh.
- Mm-hmm. You're so smart.
You call it privacy
and privacy on the potty
and somebody's going.
This is a elephant...
and a elephant goes...
and then a elephant goes, "Ooooo!"
I won the lottery.
What are you talking about?
You had no reason to trust me.
Why? You're cute.
No, I was a bum.
You're a cute bum.
All dirty and fleas and grimy teeth.
You didn't have fleas.
And you're just...
the most pristine little church girl,
ladling me soup, talking to me about Jesus.
Alright.
If that's the way you like
to remember it, that's fine.
That is how I like to remember it.
The way I remember it...
I brought you into the pantry
and you were
so starved for affection,
you fell in love right away.
And you've been trapped ever since.
Want to hold him?
- No, you hold him.
- Okay.
- He likes to be my friend.
- He loves you.
Hey, hey. Hey. Froggy-
It's a wonderful night
at Amenity Inn and Suites.
Mind if I put you on hold?
Mama's on vacation right now.
- Mama's on vacation right now.
- Mm-hmm.
Why is Mama going on a vacation?
Oh, she just needed a rest.
- Mama?
- Yes?
- Come with us.
- Okay.
What do you think daddy's up to?
What... Where is daddy?
He's working.
Where are you going?
The babies are going to find their daddy.
Sir, I don't think you're
hearing me, this room is damp.
It's musty.
Ma'am, I'm more than happy
to move you to another room.
"There's two in the bed
and the little one said..."
Did daddy teach you that song?
You've already moved me.
This is the second time you've moved me.
I am exhausted.
This is unacceptable.
If you give me one minute,
I, I promise I will resolve the issue.
How's it going?
Doing okay. How are you guys holding up?
Good, good. She wants you to tuck her in.
- Hey.
- Sleepy girl.
I would love to tuck you in, sleepy.
You going to have a break sometime soon?
Twenty minutes.
Think you can... think you can
stay up for 20 minutes?
- What do you think, baby?
- Can you stay up with me?
So daddy can
give you a kiss good night?
"There were four in the bed."
"There were two in the bed
and the little one said..."
What did they say?
"Roll over! Roll over!"
"And they all rolled over."
"One fell out."
"And he gave a little scream."
"And he gave a little shout."
"Please remember to tie..."
Bye. See you later.
- Mm.
- Twenty minutes?
Okay. Twenty minutes.
- Yeah.
- Twenty minutes. Stay up.
Jonah, you about done
with those EOD's?
Oh, I didn't have a chance,
but I will get them to you
first thing tomorrow.
My family's here, remember?
It'll take you 30 minutes tops.
I do need those tonight.
Seal yourself to your
loved ones in the Holy Temple
so that you may be bound
together for all eternity.
Each one is really
one-of-a-kind.
You're not gonna find these
in a store.
You're not gonna
find these in a catalog.
Can a heart ever be whole?
Only the whale knows these secrets.
The whale is the living temple.
Go, Jonah, to the mountain,
go, Jonah, to the sea,
as far away from yourself
as you can get.
The storm will follow
and nothing is for certain.
Do you understand? Amen!
Can I get an amen?
Hey, baby.
Jonah.
Hi, beautiful.
I saw your little girl.
She's gotten so big!
Yeah.
I can't believe it.
She's a little angel.
She is.
She has your eyes.
Hers are brown.
Like the milk man.
Silly!
What happened to you?
I took a beating.
I think someone's trying
to get rid of me.
No one likes a guy
who sees too much.
You should call the police.
Nah, told you,
I'm outside the system.
I thought you were leaving town.
I was. I am.
Tomorrow.
Can I have a room tonight?
I'm not asking for a handout.
I'll pay you back.
All right, doesn't matter.
I don't know you
and you don't know me.
No more funny business,
I promise.
You don't have to promise
because I know there's not going to be.
I'm putting you next-door to me.
- You're staying here too?
- With my family.
Oh, your family's here.
Hey, can I meet them?
Okay, okay, you won't hear a peep out
of me. You won't know I'm there.
- You're out by noon tomorrow.
- I'll be gone long before that.
- It's the last time.
- Yeah.
One more night and that's it.
This is a good deed
and it won't go unnoticed.
I plan to repay you in full.
Black hole to butthole.
Now, the universe is shaped
like an apple
and through its core runs
a secret passageway, completely through it.
When the great inversion occurs,
the spin of the universe
will be reversed upon itself,
creating a cosmological storm
of unfathomable power, then bang,
a new Big Bang, a brand-new cycle,
eternal recurrence of the almost same,
over and over again,
HO escape.
Perhaps there is a tiny
island to be found
with a brief respite,
like the eye of a hurricane.
This place exists
and doesn't exist.
The perpetual calm
of the center of a black hole
where ideas are
hatched and formed,
where loved ones
fish on the shores of the cosmos together,
hopefully with respect and humility,
with immense gratitude for
this rare and special peace.
Oh, my God, Jonah, I'm so sorry.
Shit.
All right.
I am...
...good.
Sleep tight.
No.
Enough!
Enough!
Kill me!
Kill me now!
I give up!
I give up.
Come on.
I gave, gave him a room.
What room?
Your wife's room?
The one next-door.
Trying to do a good deed.
What good deed was that?
He needed a...
he needed a bed for the night.
I know what that's like.
So, you let a homeless man
stay in the room
next to your wife and child.
Yeah.
- Did you get an ID?
- No.
No.
- Or a name?
- No.
No. No.
He said he was, uh...
going to, uh... said he
was going to leave town.
He was going to, I don't know,
check the bus station.
Check the bus station.
I want to get you in front
of a composite artist
while his face is still
fresh in your mind.
We'll get a sketch out there.
We'll see what we can round up.
- Okay?
- Thank you.
- Thank you.
- Thank you.
Thank you.
Santa?
Are we being robbed?
How long are you
planning on staying?
You know, I need to warn you,
our children and grandchildren
are coming up this weekend.
They had to spend Christmas
with Leon's family,
but they'll
be here for New Year's.
I hope you'll be gone by then.
That smells yummy.
It does, doesn't it?
Nice young man is making
dinner for us.
It's going to be all right, Will.
It'll be okay.
Oh, isn't that wonderful?
- Looks good, doesn't it, Will?
- Mm.
Oh, no, please, we...
No guns at the table.
Rounding out 24 hours of sacred music
on this Christmas night,
that was "Carol of the Bells"...
Hmm.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, yeah.
Whoop-whoop-whoop.
Mmm.
Mmm!
Hmm-mm-mm.
Oh.
Where's your coat?
Never gave me
my birthday present.
I never...
He came to the party
and he didn't have a present.
Even though I was getting told
for a person's birthday
without bringing a present...
But I didn't have... Hmm.
It was a good birthday,
though, wasn't it?
Mm, mm-hmm.
Well... I expected him
to go home,
but he didn't go home
and he didn't have a present
and he didn't ever
bring me a present.
That's the biggest
disappointment I ever had.
No, that's not true.
I dreamed that I...
I got cowboy chaps.
I got cowboy chaps and I woke up
and I...
I went...
Oh, that's wonderful.
I went to my closet
and I looked for my cowboy chaps
and they weren't there.
Yeah.
And I asked my mother,
"Where are my chaps?"
And she didn't know
what I was talking about.
And I was inconsolable.
That was a long time ago, Will.
Oh, you brought
some more things for us.
That's really wonderful.
My favorite pillow.
This should be very
comfortable for tonight.
How long do you plan
on keeping us down here?
Thank you. Do you think
maybe we could talk in the morning about...
Oh, very nice.
Oh, that'll do great.
Thank you.
Let's, let's talk...
Oh, that's lovely.
And again, maybe tomorrow...
Hey, Jonah,
would you mind coming down
to the station tomorrow?
I just have a couple of additional
questions I want to ask you.
- Yeah, sure.
- Okay.
Hey, by the way,
what time did you say
that homeless man came in?
- It was late.
- Hmm.
Sometime after midnight.
Hmm.
See, the thing is,
we looked over
all of that security footage
from the lobby security camera.
We didn't find anyone
matching his description.
As a matter of fact,
nobody came in after midnight.
I... I'm sorry to bother you
on a day like today.
"A... men."
The holy father
has a plan for us all.
We may not understand
his reasons,
but we must never doubt
that he has them.
Now, at this time,
I'd like to invite Jonah,
Marty's husband
and Roxanne's father,
to say a few words.
It's impossible.
It's impossible.
I don't believe it.
Uh... the procession to the graveside...
Young man, this has
gone on long enough.
You let us out of here
and I won't call the cops.
Bob, how was your trip?
How was your drive up here?
- Honey.
- I know. Did you take 80?
- Honey, this is not Bob!
- Did you take 80?
I want you to let us out
of here now.
Do you understand?
We've had enough.
It's not a game anymore.
You need to let us go.
Take whatever it is you want.
We had the most
beautiful purple tree.
No, no!
What are you doing?
I didn't know the name of it.
What... what are you doing?
Don't want your pants!
We want to get out of here!
Please, let us out of here! Please!
Gathered stories of hope and
inspiration from across the nation
in a segment we like to call
"Christmas Miracles."
After a hurricane tore through
Kathy Rose's Corpus Christi home in May,
she found a nativity
hand-painted by her late mother
was smashed to pieces.
She kept the shards wrapped
in newspaper in the attic.
She couldn't bring herself
to throw them away.
On Christmas morning,
she decided to unwrap the broken pieces
to see if she could perhaps
glue some of the figures back together,
and then she saw it.
Baby Jesus was intact.
He was perfect.
When I saw him, I sat down
in the chair and just started crying
because I knew that God
and all his angels
had been watching out for me.
That's how I survived the storm.
In another story
of faith and survival,
a note in a bottle washed up
on a San Diego beach yesterday
just in time for Christmas.
The note was in Spanish.
Translated, it said,
"My name is Onus Quato."
I've been lost at sea
for 1,000 days.
"The water has always been calm."
We managed to track down
information on Onus Quato
and confirmed he was lost
on a commercial fishing voyage
during a storm off the coast
of Mexico and presumed dead.
When his mother was delivered
the note by San Diego police,
she was overcome with hope.
I love you so much.
You are lost, son.
But God...
God above...
He can help you.
You must give your heart
to the Holy Father.
Let Him enter your soul
and you will be changed.
I promise you.
Please, I am begging,
hear my prayer.
Give your heart...
to God.
Confused?
Afraid?
Unsure of who you really are?
Are you looking for advice
about love or loss?
Do you have questions about
the true nature of reality?
Call for a free consultation
and you'll talk one-on-one
with Doctor Tabitha Moon.
She's live in the studio now
waiting for your call.
Please! Help us!
Greetings.
I'm here to share my gift.
The number is there
on the edge of the screen.
Call me now
and I will do my best to answer
whatever question is in your heart.
Hello?
This is Doctor Moon.
Hey, Dr. Moon.
I've been feeling lost
lately, you know,
figuring out
what my true purpose is.
And I've been thinking about...
just quitting my job,
but I don't really know...
Howdy.
Good morning.
- Is this your house?
- It is.
What's your name?
Bob.
Oh, you're old
Willie's son, aren't you?
You look just like him,
I have to say.
You're probably sick and tired of
hearing that though, aren't you?
Say, are your folks up here
for the holidays as well?
They're just in town; They went
to get some provisions.
I see. Well, I don't want
to disturb your holiday,
but we're out here
just telling people
that, uh, Buster the mountain man
has been seen roaming our area,
and if you guys stay home,
you know, he won't disturb you,
but just keep a watch out, yeah?
And let us know if you see
or hear anything suspicious.
Just give us, give us a holler.
- Will do.
- All right.
Have a nice holiday.
Happy holidays to you too.
I'll tell the folks you said hello.
- Thank you, bye-bye.
- Bye-bye.
...what your dream is to live.
Why are you here?
That's what you want to work on.
That's the most
important question.
Thank you.
Thank you for calling.
Finished with the homes
on the western side.
I'm going to go downriver.
Did you hit the Bowery
cabin over at James Pond?
Affirmative. Spoke to Bob.
Say again?
I spoke to Bob Bowery.
No sign of Buster on his land.
Joe, Bob Bowery's
been dead for years.
Either you've seen a ghost
or that was Buster.
Tonight, light a candle for him
and say a healing prayer.
Thank you.
Thank you for calling.
Who's next?
I want to serve you.
The telephone number
is on the screen.
I'm here, live,
waiting for your call.
Hello, this is Doctor Moon.
Where am I?
I'm not sure
I understand the question.
Tell me where I am.
You're on a boat.
You've been there
for a long time.
Why am I there?
There's been a mistake.
There's a bug in the system.
How can I fix it?
We sent an exterminator.
I'm like a roving exterminator.
I find the bugs,
I fix the binary.
We are sorry for your loss.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry, too.
You look tired.
- Papi.
- I'll make you tea.
Papi?
- Don't do that.
- I'm sorry.
You said you weren't
going to do that.
I won't do that.
I'm sorry.
I've been singing this song.
What do you want me to tell you?
God...
is not merciful.
Just efficient.
It was a mistake...
we got this far.
We are in the belly of the whale,
my friend.
With luck...
he'll eat one of us
and spit the other out.
It's the only escape...
that I see.
Happy New Year, Buster.
Hey, we got your cave surrounded, huh?
So come out with your hands up.
Come on, Buster,
this is your last chance.
Shit.
"...and pou'd the gowans fine."
"We've wander'd."
"Many a weary foot."
"Sin' auld lang syne."
Watch it, now.
"For auld lang syne, my dear."
"For auld lang syne."
"We'll take a cup..."
I don't see anything.
Oh, my...
Hell.
"For auld lang."
"Syne."
"And here's a hand
my trusty friend."
"And give a hand 0' thine."
"We'll take a cup
of kindness yet."
"For auld lang syne."
"Go tell it."
"On the mountain."
"Over the sea and."
"Everywhere."
"Go tell it."
"On the mountain."
"To set my spirit."
"Free."
"See me wandering back again."
"Set my spirit free."
"Crept and toiled upon the land."
"Set my spirit free."
"Hide and seek go back again."
"Set my spirit free."
"For the Lord will show
the way to."
"Set my spirit free."
"Who's that watching me
in the dark?"
- "Who is that watching me"
- "Set my spirit free".
"In the dark?"
"Who gives the fire
in every spark?"
"Who gives fire
in every spark?"
"Ohh."
"Go tell it on the mountain."
"Over the sea and everywhere."
"Go tell it on the mountain."
"To set my spirit free."
"See me bouncing back once more."
"Set my spirit free"
"I done knocked on
every door so."
"Set my spirit free."
"Batter down the door
shall I to."
"Set my spirit free."
"Go tell it on the mountain to."
"Set my spirit free."
"Go tell it."
"On the mountain."
"Go tell it on the mountain."
"Over the sea."
"And everywhere."
"Go tell it."
"On the mountain."
"Go tell it on the mountain."
"To set my spirit free."
"Oh-oh-oh."
"Go tell it on the mountain."
"Over the sea."
"And everywhere."
"Go tell it on the mountain."
"To set my spirit."
"Free."
"To set my spirit."
"Free."
"To set my spirit."
"Free"