1
For heaven's sake, Wendy,
look for an airport!
- Will you look for the airport?
- Oh, don't make such a fuss.
Just put it down on a mountain.
What do you mean,
just put it down?
I'm lucky I can keep it up.
I told you, I never flew before.
Don't shout at me.
I'm a first-class passenger.
You're a first-class lunatic!
It's all over, Wendy. Our relationship
has a quarter of a tank to go.
Yes, but you do love me,
don't you, Harold?
I know this is an awkward time
to bring it up,
but I must know for our future.
- Ohh! Aah!
- Harold, darling, do answer me.
Oh! Oh!
You can stop pretending to be
asleep, Sidney. It's over.
I was listening
to Beethoven's ninth.
Somewhere on this plane,
there's a wonderful orchestra.
The cameraman must do
luggage commercials.
All you could see
were the bags under my eyes.
We'll be landing in Los Angeles
in five minutes, miss Barrie.
I suppose we must.
You were terrific!
I loved it!
Oh, thank you.
That's sweet.
What?
Oh. I hope
you win the Oscar!
It's bizarre.
Eight years with
the national theatre,
two Pinter plays, nine
Shakespeare, three Shaw,
and I finally get nominated
for a nauseating little comedy.
That's why
they call it Hollywood.
Oh!
Gorgeous color.
The smog.
I wonder if
they sell it in bottles.
It would make a wonderful present
for the folks back home.
- Thank you.
- I'm sorry, Mr. Barrie.
- The "no smoking" sign's on.
- Oh, sorry.
I thought it was meant
for the people down there.
Oh, Christ.
The royal treatment.
And if I lose, we go home
in a station wagon.
I can get used to this life
very easily, darling.
Promise me you'll
get nominated every year.
We have a magnificent suite
back at the hotel for you.
How nice.
I'll call you in half an hour.
Fine. Thank you.
Well, that's just fine. Unless
you're making a pot of tea,
I think we're in big trouble.
I didn't build the car.
I just drove it.
Did you look at the Gauge
like I told you to?
I looked at the Gauge
more than I looked at the road.
I ran off the road.
I did not run off the Gauge.
But if you looked at the Gauge,
it wouldn't have overheated.
You mean lookin' at the Gauge real
good stops it from overheatin'?
No, but you've got to speak up.
You've got to say, "hey, the
Gauge says we're overheating."
This is not the kind of news
that you keep to yourself.
You know, I hate rent-a-cars.
Why don't we just leave it here?
It's cooling off, see? I told you. All
we needed to do was give it a chance.
All right, close the hood.
Let's go. I'll drive.
Oh, no! Oh, god.
Say he didn't slam the hood.
What's the matter
with the doors?
Didn't the man say
not to slam the hood down?
Didn't the man say
the doors sometimes lock
when you slam the hood down?
Did the man say
I would burn my hand?
It's locked, all right.
Who's got the keys?
The car's got the keys!
Why didn't you take the keys?
I only went
from my seat to the hood.
I thought it would be safe. You
on his side. Stand over there.
What fool closed the windows?
That fool closed the windows.
Even with my eyes on the Gauge,
I saw that fool close
the windows.
The air-conditioning
doesn't work with open windows.
Well, now the car doesn't work
with closed windows,
does it, fool?
Smile, everybody!
We're in Los Angeles!
I'm not paying for this window.
Bettina, you're keeping
the books.
Put the window in his column.
We're drivin', ain't we?
We're not bein' towed, are we?
Deduct the cost of being towed
from my column.
Oh, when are you two gonna stop
bickering and start vacationing?
It's been like this
ever since we left Chicago.
I have to go to the bathroom.
Can we pull off
and find a gas station?
- Ok, honey.
- "Ok, honey"?
What do you mean, "ok, honey"?
This is no time for "ok,
honey." We're on a freeway.
When your wife wanted tacos,
I heard enough "ok, honeys."
Now, how am I
on that side, honey?
You're fine. Hurry up.
He's not fine
if he has to hurry up!
Watch what you're doing.
Now! Now! Go now!
Hold it!
Whiplash!
Now we all got whiplash,
ok, honey?
Good luck tonight, miss Barrie.
- Uh, would you?
- Oh.
Everyone says
you're going to win.
Listen, I'm pleased
just to be nominated.
Can I have your picture?
Oh, just by yourself.
Herb, how are you?
Charlie, what do you say?
Billy boy. How's
the new script coming?
I found all the words
in the dictionary.
I just have to put 'em together.
I mean, we'll never
be able to afford this.
I mean, the prices
out here are ridiculous!
- Yeah, sure.
- Mrs. Hannah Warren, please.
- I asked them.
- Bill Warren.
Yes?
Where are you?
Why don't you come up?
- Come in.
- One double scotch, one tea with lemon.
- Six dollars and ninety-five cents.
- Yes, ma'am.
Would it be possible to just
rent a couple of drinks?
Ma'am?
Uh, would you put that
on the coffee table, please?
Hello?
Oh, yes, put him on.
Bob? Oh, thank god,
a civilized voice.
How are you?
No, awful. I can't wait
to get out of here.
It's like paradise
with a lobotomy.
How's Washington?
Rain. Oh, god.
How wonderful.
No, no, nothing's settled yet.
He's on his way up.
Bob, I don't want to call in a
lawyer until I see how it goes.
When have you known me
to be intimidated?
That doesn't count.
Yes, as a matter of fact,
I remember it in detail.
Bob, can you save
the erotic conversation
until it can do
us both some good?
Yes. Yes, I will. I'll call
you as soon as he leaves.
I do too. Bye.
Looks like another
beautiful day, huh?
For a change.
Hello, Hannah.
You were supposed to knock.
I was going to keep you
waiting in the hall.
You screwed up my big moment.
You still have trouble
saying a simple "hello."
Oh, I am sorry.
You always did get a thrill out
of the little things in life.
Hello, bill.
Hello, Hannah.
How are you?
At this moment,
I'm completely nonplussed.
What the hell have
you done to yourself?
You've turned
into a young boy again.
- It's good to see you.
- I mean it.
You look like the sweetest,
young, 14-year-old boy.
You're not spending
your summers at camp, are you?
Just three weeks in July.
Shouldn't we kiss or
shake hands or something?
Let's save it
for when you leave.
I made a 1:30 reservation
for lunch. Is that all right?
Just, uh, give me a minute.
When you haven't seen
your ex-husband in nine years,
your eyes have to... adjust.
I love your California clothes.
They're Bloomingdales
of New York.
It's the best place
for California clothes.
My god, you look so...
I don't know. What is the
word I'm looking for?
Happy.
Casual.
You never know out here.
Are you dressed up now,
or is that sporty?
I didn't think a tie
was necessary for a reunion.
Is that what this is?
When you walked in like that,
I thought we were
gonna play tennis.
You certainly look
fit enough for it.
"Fit."
You think I look fit?
You awful shit.
I look gorgeous.
Yes, you do, Hannah.
Your tan, of course, is perfect.
I always wondered how you got
the back of your ears so dark.
You put the top of your car down
and drive away from the sun.
Look, if we're gonna
banter like this,
give me a little time.
After nine years,
I'm a little rusty.
Oh, you'll pick it
right up again.
It's like French.
You see, that's what I'd miss
if I ever left New York...
The bantering.
San Francisco's
only an hour away.
We go up there
and banter in emergencies.
I never liked San Francisco.
I was always afraid
I'd fall out of bed and
roll down one of those hills.
Not you, Hannah.
You roll up hills.
Oh, good.
You're bantering.
The flight out
wasn't a total loss.
I detect a bit of snip
in the air.
Does that mean your conversation with
Jenny wasn't all that successful?
Oh, I don't know. I thought that we
glared at each other rather well.
I ordered a drink before lunch.
I thought one of us
might be a little nervous.
I gave up double scotches
on the rocks six years ago.
I'm big on apple juice
these days.
Well, I guess I'm
the one that's nervous.
It's obvious this place
agrees with you, bill.
Or do they call you Billy?
That's right. Jenny told me.
Everybody calls you Billy.
- That's me, Billy.
- It's just adorable.
Forty-four-year-old Billy
standing there
in his cute little sneakers
and sweater.
Better sit down, Billy.
You're making me feel
like your math teacher.
I promised myself driving
over here I would be pleasant.
I am now being pleasant.
You drive everywhere, do you?
- Everywhere.
- Even to your car?
If we're going,
I think we'd better get started.
You have changed, Billy.
You know, you don't get rattled
as easily as you used to.
Well, they don't have
as many rattlers out here.
Maybe this lunch won't be
as dull as I thought.
Marvin!
Hey, Marvin!
- Harry!
- Hey!
Hey, boy!
Harry.
You-you got so bald.
How did you get so bald?
You don't see your brother in five
years, that's all you gotta say?
I didn't even know it was
you, you got so bald.
- Where's Millie?
- She's coming in on the morning plane.
We don't like to fly together
on account of the kids.
You got so bald!
Hey, Marvin, take a gander.
Hmm? Oh, I'd give up two years of my
life for one hour with each of them.
You still haven't changed,
have you?
Let's say "hello."
Let's see how far we can get.
Hey, don't start in
with me, Harry.
I'm here one night without Millie.
Don't get me into trouble.
Would I do that to you?
You did it to papa when
he was 82 years old.
Don't do it to me.
- Oh, miss? You...
- Stop already with the girls!
Your kid is getting
bar mitzvahed tomorrow.
Hey, stop it. What is this,
a jogging outfit?
That's what we do here.
Jenny tells me you've moved.
You're not in
Hardy canyon anymore.
Laurel.
Laurel canyon.
Laurel, Hardy, what the hell.
She says it's sort of
a small French farmhouse...
With a little water mill
in back...
- And the sweetest little tennis court.
- That's right.
Sounds awfully rugged.
Well, we're from pioneer
stock out here in the west.
There's a glass house
two blocks down the road
if you want to throw
some more stones.
Maybe I'll just drop something
from the plane
when I leave tonight...
With Jenny.
This is very familiar.
Yeah. The house we rented
the year before Jenny was born
is just down the road there.
That wasn't
a bad summer, was it?
I thought it was terrific.
Yes, well, the pacific ocean
was a lot more interesting
in those days.
- No, thank you.
- No cigarettes either?
No, I gave them up
eight years ago.
Don't you miss the coughing
and the hacking in the morning?
It woke the dogs up.
I have dogs now.
Isn't divorce wonderful?
You have changed, Billy.
You've gone clean on me.
Tell me, what else do you do to
keep that winsome adolescent look?
You're just dying to make a
little fun of me, aren't you?
No, I don't mind.
I have an hour to kill.
Would you believe I, uh, I run
five miles every morning?
- After what? Oh.
- After a good night's sleep.
I don't even have a pill in my medicine
cabinet, and I gave up analysis.
- Oh, I heard that. Why did you quit?
- I went sane.
Sane? My god.
How boring.
Tell me something, Billy,
don't you ever get depressed?
- Yes.
- When?
Now.
And I, uh, I hear
you went in for an operation.
A hysterectomy.
It was nothing.
I have them every year.
I understood you had,
uh, prostate trouble.
Small world, isn't it?
Well, our past sins do have a
way of catching up with us.
Jenny tells me
you have a new boyfriend.
No.
- I have a lover. Jenny has boyfriends.
- Oh.
A writer in the
Washington post, I'm told.
Mm-hmm.
He's 54 years old,
he has a heart condition,
asthma, leans toward alcoholism.
He also has the second-best mind
I've met in this country
since Adlai Stevenson.
What's with you mate-wise?
"Mate-wise"?
Mate-wise, I'm seeing
a very nice girl.
Are you? Where are
you seeing her to?
Come on, Hannah.
I beg your pardon.
Have I offended you?
My god, it's a long time
since I've been involved
in a smart-ass conversation.
I'm sorry, but you're the
one that said things like,
"I hear you have a boyfriend,"
and "I'm seeing
a very nice girl."
I'm not the one with
the Bobsey twin haircut
and the Peter Pan phraseology.
I can see you've really come
to hunt bear, haven't you?
Hunt bear?
Is that what you said?
"Hunt bear"?
Is that the kind of nifty
conversation you have
around the campfires out here
in the rugged west?
Can we talk about Jenny?
What's your rush?
She's only 17.
She has her whole life
ahead of her.
If I'm gonna turn my daughter
over to you, which I am not,
at least I wanna know
what you're like.
Jenny is our daughter.
Ours.
Maybe. We'll see.
They've been a little slow
with the blood test.
Christ.
Five million cigarettes...
Are murder on the lungs.
Oh!
When you were younger, you were the
healthiest girl I knew. What happened?
With Nixon in the white house, good
health seemed to be in bad taste.
Your friend's about
a size too small for me.
How does she fit you?
Nicely, thank you.
Is this the neophyte actress
with the golden hair
Jenny's been telling me about?
- Am I being too nosy?
- Not for a Newsweek editor.
Yes, she is, and she's
a damned good actress.
Married before:
Has a nine-year-old boy.
Really? Should make
a nice pet for Jenny.
Is marriage contemplated?
It's contemplated. It's being
discussed and seriously considered.
And we all get along like clams.
Right. And would there be room for all
of you in the little French farmhouse?
Or will you have to take a Moroccan
villa on Wilshire boulevard?
What the hell
are you so bitter about?
You used to be bright and witty,
and now you're just
snide and sarcastic.
It comes with age. When you
don't have a fastball anymore,
you go to
change-ups and sliders.
Can we go? I feel like we're
playing from here to eternity.
- Pretty girl.
- I think so.
I suppose if Jenny stays,
she'll grow up
to look like that...
Blonde hair, blonde teeth,
blonde life.
God, I can just hear
the quips flying
when you and
the second-best mind
since Adlai Stevenson
get together.
Sitting there freezing
under a blanket
at the Washington
redskins games,
playing anagrams with the names
of all the Polish players.
Your mind clicks off
bric-a-brac so goddamn fast,
it never has a chance for an honest
emotion or thought ever to get through.
And you're so filled
with honest emotion,
you fall in love every time
someone sings a ballad.
You're worse than a hopeless romantic.
You're a hopeful one.
You're the kind of man who would
end the world famine problem
by having them all eat out,
preferably at a good
Chinese restaurant.
Oh, for god's sake, Hannah.
Let's stop this crap.
I don't know if your bitterness
is because Jenny ran away
or because she ran away
to somebody whose lifestyle
epitomizes everything
you consider cheap and banal.
I don't have a lifestyle.
I have a life.
You have no legal rights
to her. You understand that?
- Certainly.
- Then tell her to come home with me.
I did. She would like to
try it with me for a year.
She's not happy
in New York, Hannah.
Nobody's happy in New York,
but they're alive.
What a snob you are.
Thank god there's
a few of us left.
What is there so
beautiful about your life
that makes it so important
to put down everyone else's?
New York is not the center
of the goddamn universe.
I Grant you, it's an exciting,
vibrant, stimulating, fabulous city,
but it is not mecca.
It just smells like it.
To hell with New York
or Boston or Washington.
I don't care where Jenny lives.
I care how.
She's a bright girl
with an intelligent mind.
Let it grow and prosper. What the hell
is she gonna learn in a community
whose greatest literary achievement
is the map of the movie stars' homes?
Tell me about it, Hannah.
Tell me about the political elite
on Martha's vineyard in July.
I remember vividly
those charity luncheons
to raise money for
the California grape pickers.
A teeming mob of women
who must have spent
$12,000 on Gucci pants
so they could raise 2,000
for the grape pickers.
Why the hell didn't they just
mail them the pants?
You were terrific when
you used to write like that.
I haven't seen your newest film.
I'm told it grossed very well
in backward areas.
Jesus. Was I anything
like you before?
I couldn't hold a candle to you.
No wonder nobody here talked
to me for the first two years.
Lucky you.
Look, we have
to settle this today.
If you respect Jenny as a person, then
respect her right to make a free choice.
You get her for the summers.
That's enough.
It takes me the other ten months of the
year to get the seaweed out of her brains.
How much time do you
spend with her?
How often do you have
breakfast with her?
How many nights a week
does she eat dinner alone?
You really think she's happy
with that $20 bill you give her
every time you go off to
Washington for the weekend?
The girl is growing up
lonely, Hannah,
and she's flown out here on her
own savings to prove it to you.
She has two dogs,
a Dominican cook,
and every good-looking boy in the senior
class living off my refrigerator.
Despite her Gothic reports, she is
not living the life of Jane Eyre.
Would you like to know what
Jenny has to say about you?
She told me. She thinks
I'm a son of a bitch.
She also thinks
I'm a funny son of a bitch.
She loves me, but she doesn't like me.
She's afraid of me.
She's intimidated by me.
She respects me,
but she doesn't wanna
become like me.
We have a perfectly normal
mother-daughter relationship.
How the hell
can you be so flippant
when it comes to your
own daughter's well-being?
And how the hell
can you be so pompous
not to recognize a perfectly normal,
rebellious attitude in a young girl?
If she didn't complain, I'd probably
send her to an expensive shrink.
Since she's with me
ten months of the year,
it is only normal you're the
one she's going to miss.
I think by and large she and I
have managed quite well.
But like all young girls,
she needs a father image.
I don't mind. If it's only July and
August, it might as well be you.
This is April, and she came
out without your permission.
She never had
a good head for dates.
What would you do if
I just keep her here with me?
I will call my friend, the Attorney
General of the United States,
if she's not on
the 9:00 plane tonight.
Why didn't you ever run
for office, Hannah?
I always thought you'd have made
a hell of a governor.
I don't think a Democratic
system really works.
Offer me a monarchy,
and we'll talk.
It's 2:30.
Will you call Jenny or shall I?
No.
No, what?
No, sir.
The truth, Hannah.
You know if we leave it up to Jenny,
you don't stand a chance in hell
of getting her on that plane.
Certainly. Why else
would the ninny run away?
Who said we don't have problems?
She is 17 years old,
and when we go at each other, she
needs another shoulder to cry on.
But I'll be goddamned if
I'm gonna give up a daughter
for a pink cashmere shoulder
three thousand miles away.
This is an event.
It's the first time in my life
I've ever seen you so nervous.
I'm not nervous.
I'm scared to death.
That's good of you to admit it.
But honesty always was
one of your strengths.
You're pretty cute yourself.
I mean it.
Oh, why do men have to get better
looking when they get older?
Remind me to bring it up with
the equal rights commission.
So where are the stars?
I don't see any stars yet.
They come out at night.
I'll pick you up for dinner
at 6:30 in front of the hotel.
Suit and tie,
or sloppy like you?
Look at that beauty. Mmm!
They fall out of the trees
here like oranges.
Lucky thing I didn't move out here.
I'd be bald, like you.
How come you're so preoccupied
with sex, sex, sex?
I thought all that jogging,
you'd forget about sex.
- You know something better?
- Thank you.
Here you go. Thanks.
You're still the same...
Girls, girls, girls.
You fall apart every time
you see a tuchas.
Hello?
Oh, yes.
How are you?
Well, she's a bit nervous,
I think.
Do you really think she will?
Well, let's hope so.
Oh, yes, and, uh, thank you for
the flowers and for the fruit
and for the lovely suite
and for the caviar
and for everything else
you send up by the hour.
One moment, Joe.
Diana, it's Joe Pickman.
Tell him I'm in the can.
The man has paid for this trip,
he's paid for this suite.
He's given you the best part
you've had in five years.
I am not gonna tell him
you're in the can.
Then I'll tell him.
Joe, darling.
I told Sidney to tell you
I was in the can.
I didn't want to speak
to you, that's why.
Well, because I feel
so responsible.
I don't want to
let you down tonight.
I know how much this film
means to you,
and I want so much
to win this award for you, Joe.
No, there was
no picture without you.
Well, goddamn it, it's true.
After four studios
turned it down,
you deserve some
special perseverance award.
You're a chubby little man,
and I adore you.
If I win tonight, darling,
it's not going to be an Oscar.
It's going to be a...
Joe Pickman.
You're an angel.
- That was very sweet.
- Did you like it, dear?
That's gonna be
my acceptance speech.
Your acceptance speech?
All except the part
that I was in the can.
Well, naturally, you and I know
I don't have a hope in hell,
but you have to prepare
something.
You can't just stand there
sobbing all over Burt Reynolds.
You've got as much chance
as anyone else.
No, I... I don't have
the sentiment on my side.
You've got to have
a sentimental reason
for them to vote for you.
Any decent actress
can give a good performance,
but a dying husband, that
would have insured everything.
You wouldn't like to get
something fatal for me,
would you, angel?
You should've told me sooner.
I could've come over
on the Hindenburg.
We are dreadful,
aren't we, Sidney?
God will punish us.
I think he already has.
Let's do something naughty.
You always think of such
good naughty things to do.
- I was naughty all day yesterday.
- Not with me, you weren't.
You'll just have to learn
to show up on time.
Well, except for an extremely critical
decision that's still to be made,
it's been a nice day.
What do you say, Hannah?
I'm out of cigarettes.
I can't be expected to give up
my daughter and cigarettes
on the same day.
Goddamn it!
I only have
one more year with her.
Next September,
she's gonna go to college.
She's gonna come out in four
years a revolutionary or a nun.
Or worse, like you or me.
A little bit of both
wouldn't be so bad.
Do you like your mother?
My mother?
She's dead.
Don't quibble.
Did you like her?
Yes, I liked her.
I don't like mine much.
Can you imagine being a pain
in the ass for 78 years?
I knew there was something wrong
even when I was in the womb.
I never felt comfortable.
I think I was hanging too low.
We shouldn't have had Jenny.
People like you and me,
we're too selfish.
And I...
I don't want her...
To grow up hating me,
and I don't wanna see her
growing up out here
'cause I'm scared
I'm gonna hate her.
I know. Maybe you and I
should've stayed together.
We could've... We could've let
Jenny go, huh? What do you think?
I think you're still one of the most
interesting women I've ever met.
He's not gonna live long,
you know.
- Who isn't?
- My friend at the Washington post.
He had open-heart surgery
that was a total waste of time.
I'm sorry to hear that.
So am I.
The man could really
make me laugh.
Oh, well,
you win some, lose some.
Talk about resiliency.
Oh. For a smart lady
in a man's world,
I'm not doing so bad.
Tell me something, bill.
Is being in love better now?
Yes.
- Why?
- Because it's now.
Oh, Christ.
I can't wait
to become a grandmother.
I think I screwed up
the first time around.
Yes.
I see.
Yeah, I understand.
No, no, no.
I'll take care of it.
Ok, bye-bye.
It's Jenny. She's downstairs
with her bags packed.
She says it's up to us.
She'll abide by
whatever decision we both make.
And you agreed?
Certainly.
Oh, what a cunning
bastard you are.
If we say she goes back to New York,
she's gonna think I coerced you.
We say she stays here, she's gonna think
I didn't even put up a fight for her.
You think she has
that devious a mind?
Of course.
She's my daughter.
I don't suppose
you'd consider spending
ten months
of the year back east?
Only if everyone there leaves.
You want me to make it
easy for you, Hannah?
I'll throw in my vote.
Whatever you say goes, and I'll tell
Jenny we both made the decision.
Oh, Jesus. No wonder there's so
many used car salesmen out here.
How much time do I have? I've
always panicked at deadlines.
As much time as you want.
Is it only from here
she looks so small to me?
I say she goes back.
I see.
All right, then she goes back.
You think I'm wrong, don't you?
I'm disappointed,
but I trust your instincts.
If you feel it's right,
I have enough faith in Jenny
that she'll see it too.
I'm...
I'm so afraid
I'm going to lose her, bill.
What are you looking at?
This is a new color for you...
Vulnerable.
Well, take a picture of it,
'cause you're not
gonna see it again.
Keep her.
What?
I said, keep her.
But for six months, not a year.
And I get to choose the school,
and any school I choose has
to give me three references.
God, what am I doing?
Stay the weekend, Hannah.
Talk it over again with Jenny.
You don't have to make a decision
just because you got a plane ticket.
I'm a fighter, Billy.
If I stay the weekend,
I'll not only take
Jenny back with me,
I might take your goddamn
girlfriend back too.
Don't let me bully you
into this, Hannah.
Look, why can't the three
of us talk it out?
- I'm gonna get Jenny up here.
- No, goddamn it!
If I have to give her up to get
her back, then let's do it.
You never stop
amazing me, Hannah.
I'll tell you one thing. You're not
the same woman I left nine years ago.
And I'm missing
the ovaries to prove it.
Well, guess who's
nonplussed now?
You never thought
I'd say "yes," did you?
Keep up that
pioneer spirit, Billy.
You're gonna need it raising
a 17-year-old daughter.
I think you're doing
a terrific thing, Hannah.
So do I.
I suppose you wanna
see her before you go?
Well, you suppose wrong.
I've seen her. I'll call her
when I get to New York.
Bell captain, please.
What should I tell her?
Tell her I hope
she'll be very happy
and I'm selling
her record collection.
Would you send someone up
for the luggage, room 306?
Thank you.
You know, we couldn't
have been too bad together.
We produced a hell of a girl.
I think you have that
a little wrong.
I think the two of you
produced a hell of a mother.
Maybe you're right.
Um, can we shake hands now?
I'm about to leave.
Sure.
What more can I lose?
N-no...
Serve her plenty
of broccoli and Lima beans.
- She likes them?
- She hates them.
But from now on, what do I care?
Good-bye, Hannah. It was
very good seeing you again.
I feel like a...
Like an artist
about to part with a painting
that she doesn't want to sell.
I'll frame it and keep it
in a good light.
Do that.
Take care of my daughter too.
Bye.
What do you mean, just one room?
There are two reservations.
Dr. and Mrs. Willis Panama,
Dr. and Mrs. Chauncey Gump.
I have here one deluxe room,
double bed,
for Dr. and Mrs. Panama
on the 3rd, 4th and 5th.
Yes.
I have nothing
for a Dr. Gump.
There must be a clerical error
or an omission of intelligence,
because my travel agent
made the reservation.
Now, he's my wife's brother,
and he's also my patient.
I wish you'd
double-check it.
I already double-checked
our files.
Here's the telegram we received.
You can see for yourself.
Yes, I can see that my name
is missing from this wire.
But as you can see, I'm not
missing from your hotel.
Now, there's four of us,
and we need two rooms.
I don't have two rooms available.
I'm sorry.
- It's academy award week.
- We don't care who wins.
We just wanna get into bed.
I do have a small single.
However, there is
some repair going on.
It's not terribly comfortable,
but I can squeeze
a small daybed in.
I'm sorry, but it's
the best I can do.
Well, what do we do?
I'm not gonna stand around here with
whiplash and argue with the man.
I'm gonna check in
to the Hilton. Let's go, baby.
Well, it's our last
few days of vacation.
I'd hate for us
not to be together.
What do you mean, "not be together"?
We're all gonna check into the Hilton.
Well, they do have a
reservation for the two of us.
You wanna stay in this hotel after
the way they've been treatin' us?
Well, they're treatin'
me and Bettina all right.
I really had my heart
set on staying here.
It's so pretty here, Chauncey.
- Oh, listen. Listen.
- What?
Even a tiny room in this place
couldn't be too bad.
And it's only for two nights.
Please, Chaunce?
Come on.
Ok.
Ok, ok.
We'll toss for the small room.
Why? I already
have my reservation.
Willis, you're not thinkin'
what I hope you're not thinkin'.
I didn't make the reservation.
I don't see why
we have to suffer because
her brother is an idiot.
We see enough blood
in the hospital.
I don't wanna see any blood
in this hotel lobby.
Now, either we toss for the room,
goddamn it, or we toss for the room.
- Now, call it.
- I'm not tossing for any room.
I'm going up to my registered
room, sit in my reserved bath.
- Come on, honey.
- No, no. Take it easy.
- What time is it?
- What?
- What time is it?
- It's a quarter to 1:00.
I want you to remember that time,
'cause that's when we declared war.
Yes, we'd like the court from
10:00 to 11:00 tomorrow morning.
And split the charges
with me and Dr. Gump.
Balls and everything.
All right, thank you.
We got it!
We are set, tomorrow morning.
And we're gonna cream 'em
six-love, six-love.
- And if we have time...
- Six-love again.
- Hello?
- Chaunce? Hi, buddy. What you doin'?
Oh, nothing much. Uh, just sittin'
here watchin' the toilet flush.
It's been flushing about two hours
now, wouldn't you say, hon?
Well, that's too bad. You and
Lola wanna use our John?
Nah. We were thinkin' about waitin'
till we get back to Chicago.
Well, we're all set.
Tomorrow morning, 10:00 am.
How's that?
Fine, fine.
Sneakers'll be a little damp
though, but you won't mind.
What time we going
to the Greek restaurant?
Lola wants to know what time we're
going to the Greek restaurant.
Oh, didn't I tell you?
Bettina felt like Japanese,
so I booked Fujiyama's
for 7:30.
We'll see you
down in the lobby, 7:15.
Now, don't be late, ya hear?
Fine.
That man will never
get to Chicago alive.
The, uh, real dark horse
in this year's Oscar derby
seems to be Diana Barrie,
one of the most respected actresses in
the business and perhaps best known...
For her portrayals of
Shakespearean queens
and Pinter heroines at
London's national theatre.
- Diana is up for her first Oscar...
- Hello?
In the funny but featherweight comedy
that might have slipped by unnoticed...
Oh, yes. Yes. We'll be down
in about, uh, five minutes.
Thank you.
- Sidney?
- Yes?
Sidney, take a look...
And-and try
to be gentle.
Channel two just picked you
as a dark horse.
- They must have seen the dress.
- You hate it.
- How much was it?
- Nothing. Joe Pickman paid for it.
- Then I love it.
- Damn it.
I wish you didn't have
such good taste.
I have a definite hump
on my left shoulder.
It cost 500 pounds,
and I look like Richard III.
Do you notice the hump, Sidney?
Isn't that your regular hump?
Don't joke with me. I am going
on national television.
There are no humps.
I can see no humps
at this particular time.
I should've worn
something simple.
My black pantsuit.
Why the hell didn't I wear
my black pantsuit?
- Because I am wearing it.
- We should never have come.
I never know how to dress
in this bloody country.
It's so easy
to dress in England.
You just put on warm clothing.
- Why did we come, Sidney?
- Because it's free, darling.
Glenda Jackson never comes.
She's nominated
every goddamn year.
We could have stayed in London
and waited for a telephone call.
David Niven could have
accepted for me.
He'd have been bright and witty,
and no one would've
noticed my hump.
Use it, sweetheart. People will
pity you for your deformity,
and you're sure to win.
Maybe if you put
your arm on my shoulder.
Keep your arm on my shoulder
at all times.
If I win we'll go up together,
your arm around me.
They'll think we're still mad
for each other after 12 years.
Oh, I thought we were.
I keep forgetting.
How many gin and tonics
have you had?
- Three gins and one tonic.
- Catch up on the tonics.
We don't want to be
disgusting tonight, do we?
What's wrong with my hair?
I look like
I've combed it with a towel.
When you played Elizabeth you looked like
a warthog, and you never complained once.
That was acting.
This is living.
Living, I want to be beautiful.
It's the strangest color.
I asked for a simple rinse,
and that ditsy queen's
given me crayon.
Shall I walk with my arm
on your head as well?
Oh, Christ. I hate
getting dressed like this.
Why is it I'm always perfectly
comfortable as somebody else?
I'd have been perfectly happy
going as Hedda Gabler.
- Try Quasimodo.
- Try shutting up!
Now, check me out.
Do I have too much jewelry on?
Jingle it. I can't tell
if I don't hear it.
Will you please be nice to me and
pay me one bloody compliment?
I've been getting ready for this
horseshit affair for three hours.
- Diana, you're just...
- What? What?
I was...
I was just gonna say you're making
a mountain out of a molehill.
But I didn't think
it would amuse you.
That's not funny, Sidney.
That's bizarre.
Give me a drink.
You have the most bizarre
sense of humor.
Bizarre people often do.
Give me a bit more.
It's all right.
I won't get pissed
till after I lose.
- The car is waiting.
- Oh, god.
Why do they have
these things so early?
I mean, no woman can look good
at 5:00 in the afternoon,
except possibly Tatum O'Neal.
- Finish your drink.
- Mmm.
I don't want to miss
the sound editing awards.
Oh, those bloody
photographers and newsmen.
I can't wait to see how they
explain my hump in the papers.
- Where are you going?
- I need another drink.
The last one
wore off in the lift.
- Gin and tonic, please.
- Nothing for me.
I heard that if you're late,
they put nondescript
people in your seats.
Do you know what I might
do next year, Sidney?
I pray anything but Ibsen.
I might give it all up.
It's no fun anymore.
Oh, god, how I envy you.
You're the one
with all the talent.
I'm the one who has to make
a horse's ass of myself.
Talent?
What talent do I have?
You have nothing but talent.
You cook better than I do,
you write better than I do.
God knows you dress
better than I do.
Better than "I."
The "do" is superfluous.
You speak better than I do...
What's that green slime
you're eating?
It looks like a dish
out of Oliver twist.
I'm not sure. I think they run the
front lawn through a blender.
You've got that glazed look
in your eye again, Sidney...
That "bored-with-her-life"
attitude.
I'm never bored
with your life, my angel.
I love the openings
and the parties.
I lead a very gay life.
Let's be honest, pet.
How many antique dealers get
to go to the academy awards?
I think you hate
that dusty little shop.
- You're never there when I call.
- Could I, miss Barrie?
- It's for my daughter. Excuse me.
- Oh, certainly.
- What's her name?
- Uh... Just say, "to frank."
What do you do
with your afternoons, Sidney?
In London? I don't think
we have afternoons.
- Gin and tonic...
- Check, please.
Come along.
You should never have
given it up, Sidney.
- What?
- Acting.
Christ, you were good. You had
more promise than any of us.
Really? I can't think
what it was I promised.
You were so gentle on the stage.
So unselfish, so giving.
You had a sweet, gentle quality.
Yes. I would've made
a wonderful Ophelia.
You could go back, Sidney,
if you wanted to.
We could do plays together,
have more time together.
No, there'd be problems. It would be awful
if we were both up for the same part.
I'm perfectly happy selling
my 18th century door knockers.
You still haven't told me what
you do with your afternoons.
I just told you,
I look for knockers.
I think I got it stopped,
but you won't be able to use
the water in
the bathroom for a while.
Oh, it's ok. We have enough
on the floor to last us.
Thank you.
- Ok, hurry up.
- What? Lola...
The man is 20 minutes late.
How would you like to be
lying on an operating table
with tubes going in your nose,
waiting for him to show up?
Your brother's
gonna pay for this.
I'm tired of being nice
to that man.
The next time
I take his x-rays,
wait till I tell him
what I found on them.
My feet are still wet.
The foot powder
is turning into concrete.
Nine Japanese restaurants
in ten nights?
I am sick and disgusted
of stepping on raw fish
in my stocking feet that
that man drops on the floor.
Now, come on, woman.
This is Pearl harbor night.
- Can we get going? I'll drive.
- You'll what?
- Do you know where Fujiyama's is?
- No.
I'll drive.
Why don't you two argue in the back?
I'll drive.
- Ok, honey. - "Ok, honey"? Watch
out when he says, "ok, honey."
I feel like
a caged animal, Sidney.
They look as though they're
going to throw nuts at us.
Nonsense, darling.
They're just ogling us.
- I adore being ogled, don't you?
- Oh, Sidney!
Yes?
Sidney, kiss me.
Kiss me and wish me luck.
There's your kiss.
Now turn around so I can
rub your hump for luck.
Sidney, please be nice to me.
I'm scared to death.
I wish you everything.
I wish you luck, I wish you
love, I wish you happiness.
You are a gifted
and remarkable woman.
I hope you win the bloody Oscar.
Fifty years from now, I'll be
able to sell it for a fortune.
Just hold my hand, angel.
And now, ladies and gentlemen,
to again prove that the academy awards
are indeed international in scope,
we're so pleased
to welcome here from London
the academy award nominee
for her best performance
in that wonderful picture
no right turns...
No, it's called no left turns.
Miss Diana Barrie and her very
handsome husband, Mr. Sidney Barrie.
Sidney Cochran.
Sidney Cochran.
And you say when you put your foot
on the brakes, nothing happened?
I didn't say "nothing happened."
I said that the brakes
didn't work.
When the brakes didn't work,
that's when
nothing good happened.
You snapped the cable
holding the cars.
I've never seen
anything like this in my life.
I thought it was a jet.
I thought, "oh, god,
we've just been 747'd."
My legs are paralyzed.
I can't move.
My legs are paralyzed.
Ok, we're gonna get you out
as fast as we can, all right?
It's not from the car. It's from
sittin' in a Japanese restaurant.
Hold on tight. I'll get you
a cup of coffee, all right?
Congratulations.
Come on.
It's after 3:00.
Don't give me that
superior-than-thou crap.
You're stinking, aren't you?
Don't talk to me like that.
I'm a lady.
A loser and a lady.
One of the great
losing ladies of the cinema.
You remember that night
up in the Catskills
when you ran away and
you came back an hour later
because you stepped in
the cow doo-doo?
Oh, that was funny.
Whoo, am I tanked, Harry.
Are you sure
this is the right hotel?
Don't ask me. I'm blind.
Hey, Bubbie,
thanks for a terrific evening.
Thank me in the morning.
The night is not over yet.
What do you mean?
What are you smiling about?
Sleep well, kid. Don't forget
to leave an early wake-up call.
What are you talking about?
What's going on here?
I don't trust that guy.
Something's going on here.
Hi. I'm Bunny.
Is this 203?
Happy birthday
from your brother Harry
Happy birthday to you
This is not my birthday. My
birthday isn't until next month.
I'm in no hurry.
Tequila?
You never told me what award I
missed when I went to the can.
- The best documentary short subject.
- Oh, damn it.
My favorite category.
What won?
The midgets of Leipzig.
A Czech-Polish production.
Sigmund Wednetski, producer.
Directed by Litweil
Zumbredowicz and Stefan Vlech.
Mmm.
I thought they would.
What was the best picture?
The best picture? You were
there when they announced it.
It came after the best actress.
I was in a deep depression
at the time.
What was the best
bloody picture?
Do you mean what was
the best picture of the year,
or what did those idiots pick
as the best picture of the year?
What won the award, you asshole?
I am not an asshole.
Don't you call me that.
Sidney, I have just thrown up
on some of the best
people in Hollywood.
Now is no time to be sensitive.
What was the best picture?
- I'm not telling you.
- I'm not asking you.
I'm threatening you, you crud!
- Now I'm definitely not going to tell you.
- I'm sorry.
I take it back, Sidney.
You're not a crud.
God! Definitely.
Am I still an asshole?
Then I'm never going to tell you.
You behaved abominably tonight.
- Did not. Did not. Asshole crud!
- Abominably. Abominably.
I am going to bed. We have a 10:00 am
plane to catch in the morning.
10:00 am is the morning.
That is redundant,
you a-h.
Oh, do you think I don't know
what you're saying?
I can spell, you know.
Not without moving
your lips, you can't.
I would like
another drink, please.
You drank everything
in this state. Try Nevada.
Oh, Sidney!
I saw your privates.
You were right.
We should never have come here.
Have you ever seen a greater
assemblage of hypocrites
under one roof in all your life?
Were the hypocrites there?
Why didn't you
point them out to me?
Hypocritical hypocrites.
They love you and Fawn over you
on the way in.
And if you're a loser
when you come out,
it's "too bad, darling.
Give us a call
when you're back in town."
You should have thrown up over
the whole bloody lot of them.
- Sidney?
- Yes?
Was I hit by a bus?
I look as though I was hit by a
fully-loaded, guided tour bus.
Did you notice how quickly
the winners got their cars?
They must have known beforehand
who the winners were going to be
in order for the winners to get
their cars before everyone else.
We've come 6,000 miles for this bloody
affair, and they park our car in Vancouver.
I've aged, Sidney.
I'm getting lines in my face.
I look like a brand-new,
steel-belted radial tire.
Even Litweil zumbredowicz and Stefan
Vlech got their cars before we did.
And then, those little twerps,
they splashed water all over
my trousers as they drove by.
I'm hungry.
- What are you doing?
- I'm phoning room service.
I want some eggs Benedict.
Hello?
Eggs Benedict, please.
You have to ask
for room service first, twit.
Room service, please.
- Twit and a half.
- Oh, touche.
Isn't there anyone there?
I only wanted
some eggs Benedict.
Oh.
Oh, I see. Mmm.
Well, it just isn't
my night, is it?
Where are you going?
To their bloody kitchen to make
myself some eggs Benedict.
- Twit!
- Twitette!
Lola, I don't feel so good.
What is it?
Raw fish and wet feet.
I'd like to throw up,
but the room is too small.
- Lola, I think I'm gonna throw up.
- Oh.
- I'm positive. I'm gonna... Lola!
- All right.
Lola, it's coming.
Lola!
Lola. Lola!
- Who could that be at this hour?
- Who do you think?
Their game plan is to see
that we don't get any sleep.
Hello?
It's Lola.
Yes, Lola.
What? You're kidding.
Well, tell him to take
two combid spansules.
What?
Listen, I don't make
house calls when I'm working.
Why should I on vacation?
All right, all right, all right.
I'll be there. All right.
He's purposely doing this.
He knows I don't play well
without eight hours sleep.
I'll give him sleeping pills.
He won't be able to raise
his racket for a week.
Willis, don't start in.
He'll sue you for malpractice.
But we'll win the match.
I found the people at the Oscars
singularly unattractive this year.
- Didn't you?
- Oh, Christ.
I noticed a general decline in
face-lifts and hair transplants.
Must be the economy,
don't you think?
Did you get your eggs
Benedictined?
Bitchy. Bitchy, darling.
You haven't started anything
naughty without me, have you?
I didn't expect to see you
until dawn.
I heard lots of other cats
prowling around out there.
Well, we're not all
as lucky as you, Sidney.
You got your prowling in early.
Who was he, Sidney?
What are you talking about?
That adorable young actor
you were chatting with
all night.
Gorgeous, wasn't he?
Where did you find him?
He was at our table.
We shared a butter plate.
How spreadably cozy.
Careful, darling.
We're tired, and we're smashed.
Let's not
get into shallow waters.
Oh, I am sorry.
Let's just talk showbiz,
shall we?
Well, who did you
vote for tonight, Sidney?
I don't vote, dear.
I'm not a member
of the motion picture academy.
I'm an antique dealer.
One day, when you're an antique,
I shall vote for you.
That's a promise.
No, I mean who did you
vote for privately...
In the deep, deep,
inner twit recesses
of your redundant mind?
When miss no-talent ran up
there, all teeth and teary-eyed,
I could feel the tension release
from every part of your body.
What a nasty streak you have
when you drink.
Also when you eat
and sit and walk.
Picky. Picky, Sidney.
Are you unhappy 'cause you
didn't get to wear my dress?
If I had worn your dress,
it would have hung properly.
Nothing personal.
There never is anything personal
between us, is there,
or is that getting too personal?
I was devastated when you lost.
But look at it this way: It's just
a little, bald, naked statue.
Just like you'll be one day.
Did he carve his telephone
number in your butter Patty?
- Oh, go to hell!
- What's this, Sidney... A direct assault?
A frontal attack?
That's not like you, Sidney.
Wit and parry. Wit and parry.
That's more your style.
You make me sick! When you
can't have what you want,
you make certain everyone
around is equally miserable.
I hadn't noticed any equals.
You can throw up verbally as
well as you can nutritionally.
Adam... that was
his name, wasn't it?
Adam, the first man.
Not very appropriate
for you, is it?
Diana, come off it.
We keep up a front
for everyone else.
Why can't we do it
for ourselves?
You mean, lie to each other
that we're perfectly well mated?
A closet couple...
Is that what you mean, Sidney?
I have never hidden
behind closed doors,
but I am discreet.
"Discreet"?
You did everything
but lick his artichoke.
Oh, please. Let's not have
a discretion contest.
I have heard about your
lunch breaks on the set.
The only thing you don't do
in your dressing room is dress.
Now I've lost count
of my Librium.
If I'm not up by 9:00,
I've overdosed.
Why is he coming to England?
Who?
That boy.
He said, "see you
in London next week."
What's he doing in London?
Acting, of course.
He's making a film there.
What film?
I don't follow
other people's films.
I barely follow yours.
Goddamn him!
And goddamn you,
goddamn the Oscars,
goddamn California,
goddamn everything!
What is it about this climate
that brings out
the religion in you?
Why don't you love me?
What film is that line from?
You bastard!
Answer the question.
Why don't you love me?
It didn't sound like a question.
I'm tired of paying
for everything
and getting nothing in return.
I thought Joe Pickman
paid for everything.
If it wasn't for me,
you wouldn't be here tonight
to have arranged to meet him
in London next week.
Why don't you
love me anymore, Sidney?
I've never stopped
loving you, in my way.
Your way doesn't do me any good.
Diana, it is nearly
4:00 in the morning.
Now is not a good time to discuss
biological discrepancies.
Faggot!
Oh, good. I thought
you'd never ask.
Don't turn away from me.
I'm so miserable, Sidney.
Don't do this to me.
Please.
I'm sorry. It hasn't been
a winning evening, has it?
Screw the Oscars.
Screw the academy awards.
Screw me, Sidney, please.
Diana...
I'm sorry. I didn't mean that.
I don't want to put you
off your game.
Diana, I am always here for you.
My friendly filling station.
Why don't you stick
to your own kind, Sidney?
If there's anything I hate,
it's a bisexual homosexual.
Or is it the other way 'round?
It works either way.
Jesus god, Sidney,
I love you so much.
- I know that, darling.
- Why do you stay with me?
What do you get from me that
could possibly satisfy you?
A wider circle of prospects.
I am a minor celebrity
once removed.
Sorry I didn't win
that award tonight.
Your dance card would have
been filled for a year.
We haven't done
too badly together.
I'm kinder to you
than your average stuntman.
There was a time, Sidney,
when I thought you'd
give it all up for me.
I love you, my angel,
more than any woman
I've ever known.
Christ, I can't get a break.
I do the best I can.
Thank you.
You can't say we don't
have fun together.
Oh, hell, no. The dinner
conversations alone
are worth the trouble.
Sorry.
Sorry, Sidney.
It wasn't the kiss.
It's my life.
Tired? Come on, then.
Losing Oscars always
does that to me.
I'll get up first thing
and order your eggs Benedict.
You do take care of me, Sidney.
I'll say that.
And good help is
so hard to find these days.
You scratch my back,
and I'll scratch yours.
It's been an evening
of ups and downs, hasn't it?
Mm-hmm.
Care to continue the motion?
Tacky.
You're getting tacky, my angel.
I love you, Sidney.
Don't close your eyes, Sidney.
I always close my eyes.
Not tonight.
Look at me tonight.
Let it be me... tonight.
- Long!
- What?
Long. The serve was long.
You're half asleep. How can
you see the serve was long?
I saw it with the half
that was awake.
Second serve.
I hope he knows something
about orthopedics,
'cause he won't be able
to walk after this.
Long! Double fault.
Love-fifteen.
What? What?
How can you call that ball long?
It's simple.
Like this: Looooong!
Now serve the ball.
Serve the ball, Willis. We only
have the court for an hour.
After I serve you head
for the clubhouse,
'cause there's
not gonna be any survivors.
- "Long."
- You ready?
Oh! Ooh!
Get a towel, somebody, quick!
- God, Willis! Jesus!
- I'm sorry.
- If it hurts, massage it.
- Honey, I'm sorry.
- It's ok. It's ok.
- You all right?
- Yeah, I'm ok.
- All right. Go! Second serve!
Let them have the room tonight,
please. It's safer.
Never again.
Never again. Never.
Never.
Oh, god.
What are you doing here?
I thought you left.
Hey, hey. Come on.
You can't stay here.
Wake up.
Ohhh.
Oh.
10:45?
Jesus Christ, it's 10:45.
Hey, wake up. Wake up.
Don't you understand?
It's 10:45.
Crazy. I must be crazy.
Hello? Hello, operator,
what time is it?
10:45?
Why didn't you call me?
I left a wake-up call
for 8:00 this morning!
I did! I didn't?
Well, you should have
called me anyway.
Hey, come on. Get up.
My wife could walk in
any minute.
Hey!
What's wrong with you?
You deaf or something?
You all right?
What'd you do?
You drank an entire bottle of
Tequila with my wife coming in?
Are you crazy?
Oh, god.
Oh, listen, listen.
You gotta sleep this off
someplace else.
This is a bad place
to sleep this off.
Water.
How 'bout some nice water?
Here, lady.
Sip a little water.
Drink, sweetheart, for my sake.
Open your lips, you crazy broad!
Don't panic. Panic is
the quickest way to divorce.
Don't panic.
Mustn't panic!
Move. Move!
Please, god, make her move.
I'll never be a bad person
again, I promise.
All right. We're going to get
you dressed and down into a cab.
That's it.
I'm really sorry this happened.
It was a wonderful evening,
whoever the hell you are.
Come on, darling.
Push.
Get your leg in there.
Get your foot in there and push.
Come on! Come on.
Push, darling, push.
Get your feet...
Feet in here.
Come on!
Damn it, push!
Legs up, and push.
Get the foot in. Come on.
Come on!
You're not gonna help me, right?
Think, think, Marvin.
Think, think.
Change rooms.
Let some other idiot
get stuck with her.
Hello, operator?
Get me the front desk, please.
This is an emergency.
Listen, I have two wonderful
children who need a father.
Don't do this to me.
Hello, this is Mr. Michaels
in suite 203 and 4.
Listen, I'm very
uncomfortable in this room.
The bed is very bad for my back.
When I woke up this morning,
I thought my life was over.
Well, we don't have
another vacancy
until 2:00
this afternoon.
One moment, Mr. Michaels.
May I help you, ma'am?
Marvin Michaels.
I'm Mrs. Marvin Michaels.
He's on the phone now.
Suite 203.
Thank you. Would you
tell him I'll be right up?
Mr. Michaels, as I was saying,
we can have a...
Very nice suite for you
sometime after 2:00.
I can't wait until 2:00.
My wife is coming in
from the east any minute now,
and I know she's not gonna be
happy once she sees this room.
Who's here? My wife?
My wife is here?
You sent my wife up here
without calling me?
What the hell kind of a cheap
hotel are you running here?
Well, send somebody to stop her
before she sees this bed!
It could ruin
her entire vacation!
I could jump. With two broken legs,
she'd never be angry with me.
Oh, my god.
- Marvin?
- Oh, god.
Oh, my god.
Marvin? Hello?
Marvin?
Open the door!
Just a minute!
What are you doing,
rearranging the furniture?
Open the door!
I'm going into the other room.
Once I'm in there,
lock this door
and don't open it for anyone!
What?
I cannot hear you.
Who is it?
- It's me, Millie.
- Millie?
- Yes!
- Just a minute!
Millie?
Hello, Marvin.
Thank you for opening the door.
Hello, sweetie.
Why didn't you pick me up
at the airport?
- Why?
- Yes, why?
Why.
I've been sick all day.
I just threw up in the other room.
Don't go in there.
The doctor left
about ten minutes ago.
I have acute gastroenteritis.
- But it's nothing to worry about.
- Oh, my god!
- When did this happen?
- About 2:00 in the morning.
You look terrible.
Why don't you get into bed,
honey. You'll feel better.
- Come on, you'll be more...
- Oh, no! Oh, no!
I'm not supposed to lie down.
It makes me nauseous.
- Honey... ok.
- It just makes me nauseous.
Oh, you're so sweet.
I feel much better in this room.
It's so much cheerier.
I think you better lie down.
- I need some compazine spansules.
- What's that?
Aah! It stops nausea.
- Compazine spansules.
- Did you call downstairs to the drugstore?
They don't carry it.
It has codeine in it.
The nearest place that has it is a
drugstore on Santa Monica blvd.
But they don't deliver. I'm gonna
have to go down there myself.
All right, I'll go.
I'll go.
- Where's the prescription?
- What prescription?
Didn't the doctor give
you a prescription?
You can't get codeine
without a prescription.
Yes, you can.
In California, you can.
Compazine spansules.
Well, then... I have
to go to the bathroom.
- Now?
- Well, I haven't gone in four hours.
I told you, I just threw up
in there, all over.
Please, give me the opportunity
of making it presentable first.
It means a great deal to me.
We've been married for 15 years.
You've never cleaned up
a bathroom before.
Well, I think it's
high time I started.
Don't you?
Please.
I'll be right out.
- Sit down for a minute.
- No, please, no...
Here, have a piece of fruit.
Go to the bathroom
if you're gonna clean up, ok?
I'm sorry, miss.
I'm gonna have to leave
you out in the hall.
Don't worry about it.
They'll take care of you.
They have very good
service here.
- Mr. Michaels?
- Oh, Christ!
D-don't ever do that!
I'm sorry. I was just bringing up Mrs.
Michael's bag.
Oh, good.
They found your bag, honey.
She was very worried about it.
She was just going down
to look for it.
You want it in the bedroom?
No!
Um, yes.
No, leave it there.
- In the hall?
- Uh, yes. Uh, no.
Um, give it to me.
No, uh, put it in the bedroom.
- Is Mrs. Michaels all right?
- Yes, she's very tired.
She just flew in from New York.
Thank you very much.
Uh, I'll take care of you later.
Marvin, why is the door locked?
I can't hear you!
I'm in the bathroom, cleaning!
I can't wait anymore.
Open the door.
I'll open the door.
- Here comes the door!
- Marvin!
The opening of the door
is coming!
- What are you doing?
- I'm on the way to the door.
The door is open. Don't you
know how to work a door?
What took you so long? What's the matter?
You got a girl in here?
That's right!
I have a beautiful blonde
in the bed!
I smell perfume,
women's perfume.
They spray it in all the rooms.
It's a terrific hotel.
Oh.
My god, I'm never gonna make it.
Feel better, sugar pie?
I've got circles under my eyes.
I didn't sleep all night.
I've gotta take a nap.
A nap? Why do you want
to take a nap?
You can nap at the bar mitzvah.
You know how boring they are.
Never gonna get there if I don't
have a few minutes' rest.
Come on, move over.
Wait... Millie, would
you sit down for a minute?
I have to tell you something.
Can't I lie down and hear it?
It's the kind of thing
you should hear sitting up.
Millie,
you mean more to me
than you could possibly know.
But sometimes we transgress.
Sometimes we do foolish things
which unwittingly
cause hurt and injury
to the other.
I don't think you've ever
consciously hurt me.
Consciously, no.
But a careless word here,
a foolish gesture...
There...
Nothing major, Marvin.
We've had disagreements,
but nothing major.
I'm glad you
brought that up, Millie.
What would you consider major?
Major? I don't know.
I-I can't picture you
doing anything major.
I-I guess if you were
cruel to the children,
that would be major.
I would put that number one.
I would say that that was the worst
thing a man could do in a marriage.
To be cruel to the children
is unpardonable.
All else could be forgiven.
If I caught you with another
woman, that would be major.
Let's not get off
the children thing so fast.
- To me, children are the reflection...
- Marvin, Marvin,
I've got to lie down.
Oh, Millie, I've missed you so.
Mm-mm-mm. Oh.
I've missed you.
So... let's go to the living
room. God, I've missed you.
Let's make love
in the living room.
You've missed me?
You've only been away one night.
I know, but there's a
three-hour time difference.
My god, I've never
seen you look so pretty.
Come here,
you cute little thing.
Don't be ridiculous.
There's not even a bed in here.
Oh. Oh, well. They...
They have terrific carpeting.
Come on. We tried pot last year.
Let's try carpeting this year.
Maybe tonight.
If I don't lie down,
I'll pass out.
Millie! Millie, wait!
Millie, don't! Millie!
You don't have to get
so upset. I said tonight.
I've never seen you
so sex-crazed in the morning.
I didn't realize
it was the morning.
Why don't you just lie
down next to me and relax?
We don't have to make love.
Just lie down next to me
for... for half an hour.
Come on. You can
do that, can't you?
Come on.
What are you doing down there?
My back is acting up again.
The bed is too soft.
I don't believe that
for a second.
Millie,
I can't keep this up anymore.
I'm gonna get a heart attack.
I'm gonna tell you something,
Millie, and this is the truth.
No more lies.
It was never my intention
to hurt you, Millie,
but it's very possible
that in the next few minutes,
you may be terribly,
terribly hurt.
Uh-huh.
Is it major or minor?
To me it's minor. To you I think
it's going to be extremely major.
Well, tell me, Marvin.
It couldn't be that bad, as long as
you're not trying to cover up something.
I'd like to show you
something, Millie,
but I'm gonna ask you
to do something for me first.
Say nothing for ten seconds.
Whatever comes to mind, please,
for the sake of both of us,
say nothing for ten seconds.
I'm praying, Marvin.
I'm praying that the maid
came in to clean
and got dizzy from overwork
and fainted in your bed?
It's not the maid, Millie.
Well, then, I'm very anxious
to hear who it is, Marvin.
I can't wait to hear
what you have to say next.
I'm waiting, Marvin.
I'm waiting too.
You know what my guess is?
My guess is that that's
a woman in your bed.
That's my guess too, Millie.
What woman,
you can tell me in court.
I'm leaving now, Marvin.
Before I go, I want to ask
you one silly question.
Why doesn't she move?
I can explain that.
Don't tell me you've
been carrying on
with a helpless paralytic.
I won't buy it, Marvin.
Millie, she drank a whole bottle
of Tequila by herself!
Set and match point coming up.
- Watch it!
- Like I watched the Gauge?
- It's mine!
- Ooh, ooh, ooh. Look out.
Chauncey, lob it!
- I got it.
- I got it, I got it, I got it.
- I got it, I got it. Willis, I got it.
- Ooh, I got it. Watch it!
Oh!
Ow!
Ooh. Ooh! It's broken.
Oh, god. It's broken.
I can feel it.
It's not broken.
It's sprained.
You're a nose and throat man.
How do you know?
We were dead drunk,
the both of us.
You think I'd do something
like that stone sober?
Let me tell you something else.
Being cruel to the children
is number two.
- That's number one.
- To you, Millie.
I can understand it being important to you.
To me it was meaningless.
That's a shame, Marvin. I always get so
upset when you don't have a good time.
Good, good.
Get it out.
The quicker you get it out,
the quicker you'll be rid of it.
God.
And what do I do now?
Do you expect me to go
to your nephew's bar mitzvah
and say "congratulations"
to the man who paid that woman
to sleep with my husband?
He'll probably wink at you.
He doesn't know that you know.
I see. Then the joke's on him.
Only you and I know that I know.
You're right, Millie. You don't
deserve to be treated like that.
Forget the bar mitzvah.
I'll go back with you
on the next plane
if that's what you want.
No. I will not give you or
your family that satisfaction.
I am going to behave with more
dignity than you ever dreamed.
I am going to that bar mitzvah
with my head held high.
I am not going to divorce you.
I am going to forgive you.
I am going to forget
this ever happened.
I am going to figure out
why it happened,
and I'm never going to bring
it up again as long as I live.
And now, I'm going in there,
and I'm going to spend
every last cent you have.
Here we go, dear. Here we go.
To the right. To the right.
- Oh, I feel like a piano... A dead piano.
- All right.
Lola, please get a wet towel
out of our bathroom.
You mean, this is all your room?
Huh? I slept standing up,
and you're living like
the king and queen of England?
The queen is
about to abdicate her leg
if we don't get her into bed.
Lola! Lola, I want you
to see what they got...
Oh, god.
- What happened, damn it?
- Oh.
I broke a bottle of perfume.
I'm sorry, Bett.
Don't worry.
It was only $90 an ounce.
Of all the stupid-ass
things to do...
Hold on. She did not
do it on purpose.
You mean it was
a planned accident?
We don't have to take this crap.
We can go up to our cigar box
and watch our broken television.
- Come on, honey.
- Ow! Oh, I cut my finger.
It's bleeding.
Oh, damn, that perfume burns!
Only good perfume. Cheap
perfume you can't feel at all.
Oh, Bett, there's broken glass
on the bathroom floor.
Be careful where you step.
I'm glad you told me.
I was gonna walk
in there a lot today.
Willis, do you have
any band-aids?
- We'll take care
of one casualty at a time.
Grab her!
Oh! Ohh!
- Oh, my leg!
- All right, all right.
- Will you please help us?
- Now you want my help, huh?
- Ohh!
- Watch the step.
Ouch! Oh, help me.
Oh, help me, somebody.
- Lola, what's...
- My head.
I banged my head on the medicine cabinet.
I'm gonna pass out.
No, you're not.
I am. I'm passing out.
Lola, don't pass...
Lola. Lola.
My god. Would you get me
a wet towel? She passed out!
Lola. Lola, sweetheart,
you're gonna be all right, baby.
Don't lie to the woman.
She knows she's not ok.
Lola! Lola!
Lola, you're bleeding on the man's rug.
He'll charge me for it.
Lola? Lola.
Lola, listen to me.
Lola? Lola?
How many fingers?
Lola. Lola? Lola? Lola?
I just stepped on
a broken piece of glass,
and I hope you're satisfied.
- That feel better?
- No, that's the wrong ankle.
Would you help me lift her
to the bed, please?
Only on vacations. This
only happens on vacations.
Grab her feet. Oop!
God, it's like
Guadalcanal in here.
Oh, easy! Easy!
Easy! Oh, ouch.
Ow! Oh, careful.
Hey! Ow!
Wait a minute!
- Ow!
- Ohh!
You're all right.
This bed is bigger
than our whole room.
- Let's settle up!
- What?
How much do I owe you, huh?
Because after I pay you,
I ain't gonna see you.
All right. All right. Now, let's not
get our noses bent outta shape.
- It's all over. Let's forget it.
- Forget it?
Forget it.
Forget it? Forget the year
I planned for this vacation?
You know what I got to show for it?
An overdose of Japanese food,
mildew in my feet from sleeping in a
wet bed, a wife with a concussion,
two lawsuits for two car crashes
that I didn't drive two times!
And you want me to forget it?
Ha!
I'm writing a blank check.
- You fill it out and shove it up your...
- No!
Hey, hey, hey!
You don't use that language
in front of the ladies.
The ladies are unconscious.
They can't hear us.
Now, I owe you for a bottle of
perfume, bloodstains on the rug,
and an acetylene torch
that burned us out of the car.
I've had it!
Ah-ah-ah.
I want to go home.
I need a vacation!
Now, come on, buddy.
Now, look, let's shake...
Let's shake, and let's
forget it ever happened.
Oh, shake hands with the man,
Chauncey, please.
Watch what you're doing, idiot!
"Idiot"?
That's the hump
that broke
the camel's back! Aah!
Either you apologize to my dear,
sweet wife for calling her an idiot,
or I'll take this
Japanese aluminum racket
and I'll backhand you to death!
Don't threaten me.
Never threaten a man
who's spent two years
working the drunk ward.
Now, back off!
Apologize to my wife
by the time I count to five,
or I'm gonna start serving
with your big head.
- One!
- Don't fight. Please don't fight.
- Two.
- Somebody'll get hurt and fall on me.
Three.
Don't hit him with the racket.
I just had it restrung!
Four! And you know what comes
after four, don't you?
I'll mess you up so bad, even I
won't be able to fix you up.
Apologize before I get to five!
Say it.
Go ahead, say it.
Say it. Are you afraid to say it?
Say "five." Five.
I'll say it for you. Five!
Five! Five! Say it!
It don't count unless I say it.
Five!
Thank god their patients
aren't here to see this.
- Millie.
- No word from sleeping beauty?
Oh, thanks.
Thank you very much.
Forget about her. We'll get
dressed, go to the bar mitzvah.
And tonight,
we'll move to another hotel.
May we do that, Millie?
I wonder if Harry
spent as much on her
as we did on his lousy kid.
Millie, I'll never do
anything again to hurt you
as long as I live.
You're the most special woman
in the world to me, Millie,
and I love you.
I love you, Millie.
Please, not in front
of the hooker.
Oh, god, get him off of me!
Chauncey, don't bite.
You'll ruin your caps!
Get him off of me! Get him off of me!
I've had enough of you.
Don't you ever bite me again.
Do you know you could
give me a blood disease?
Now, tell me we're friends!
Now you say...
- That you enjoyed the vacation... say it!
- Friends!
You're going to tell
me that you enjoyed...
Friends!
- Friends! Now!
- Friends!
You tell me that you enjoyed
being with us on our vacation!
Best time I've ever had!
You better believe it.
- Call your wife off.
- Get off! Get off! Get off! Get off!
Did you love the Japanese
restaurant? Say it!
Huh? Say it!
- Say it!
- Willis!
And you say... That you are going...
To love...
Going with us next year
on a vacation again.
Say it!
You can crack my ribs,
but I won't say it.
- You like it?
- Mildred, you look beautiful.
- Yeah? Thank you.
- Beautiful.
Come on, darling. There's
a cab waiting 20 minutes.
What happened to our roommate?
She's gone.
She couldn't find her shoes.
I gave her yours.
Anything to get rid of her.
Hey, wait. What are you doing?
Hey, you're giving away my cab.
I asked you to hold that.
I'm sorry, sir. I couldn't
hold it any longer.
For cryin' out loud. Will you
get me another one, please?
It'll take about 20 minutes.
- We're gonna be late. I knew it.
- Hi.
- Can I give you a lift?
- No, thank you. We'll wait.
That's very nice of you.
Get in the cab, Marvin.
Are you serious?
I didn't come 3,000 miles to be late.
Get in the cab, Marvin.
- Do you know who that is?
- Yes, it's our hooker.
You think I'd ride
with strangers?
- This is very nice of you. Thank you.
- Oh, my pleasure.
- Nice shoes.
- Thank you.
- Live out here?
- Sometimes.
Passengers holding
a blue boarding pass
may enter the aircraft
at gate 37-a. Thank you.
Mother! Whew!
I was afraid I wouldn't make it.
What are you doing here?
Where's your father?
My god. Was it
the Lima beans and broccoli?
No, no. He's waiting
outside in the car.
I just wanted to say
good-bye and thank you.
And I love you.
You don't know what this means to me.
I've been very depressed.
I just found out
I've already seen the movie.
I'm gonna miss you, mother,
but I know I'm doing the...
No, no, Jenny. Don't say it.
It's all right.
I'm doing the right thing.
There. I said it anyways.
This is for you.
What is that?
It's a map
of the movie stars' homes,
just in case you ever
make it out this way again.
Sir, I'm sorry about
dropping that suitcase.
Oh, that's all right. It wasn't
the foot with the glass in it.
Tell the hostess I have to sit
with my good eye near the window.
I don't want to miss
the Grand Canyon again.
How can I lecture
and operate on Monday?
I can't speak,
and I can't look down.
Good afternoon,
ladies and gentlemen.
Welcome aboard flight 211
to New York and London.
Our flying time this afternoon will
be four hours and fifty minutes,
and we'll be cruising
at an altitude of 37,000 feet.
We'll now be serving you cocktails and
beverages and then serving lunch,
followed by our film, no left turn,
starring James Coburn and Diana Barrie.
Oh, Christ, Sidney,
let's get off.
Tell them to let us off
this bloody plane.