1
GILLIAN: Okay, we are
officially on the road!
Whoo!
Jack, is this recording?
JACK: Well, check if
the red light's on.
GILLIAN: Can't see.
Oh, yeah.
There we go.
We are on our way.
Smile at the camera.
No, not when I'm not driving.
You're such a miserable sod.
We're going on a camping trip.
Be happy!
Yay! Five-and-a-half hours
in a car!
The red letter day
nobody wants!
GILLIAN: Aw, look,
all the tents.
JACK: Yeah, tents, great.
GILLIAN: So here we are.
Everyone's having a lovely time
in their tents.
And this is us.
Yep.
It's literally been
several hours now,
and Jack still hasn't
put up the tent.
Except it hasn't been
several hours, has it?
And as you can see,
we've gone for the...
less-is-more approach
with the tent.
You don't like it, you can go
bunk up with Weirdy-Beardy.
[LAUGHS]
It's fine, darling.
Here's to our romantic
camping weekend!
- Okay.
- Whoo-hoo!
- Ayes ayes ayes.
- Ayes ayes ayes.
- Oh, that's disgusting.
- [LAUGHS]
Jack, it's what it's all about.
It's beautiful.
You must like this.
We're on private land.
We're probably gonna get shot.
GILLIAN: Jack!
- Can't bring your phone with!
- All right, all right!
GILLIAN: Jeez!
Two minutes!
JACK: Oh! Something
met its end here!
Gill! Gill, come on down
and come and see this!
GILLIAN: I'm really sad.
- No!
- No, that's horrible.
You gotta come and see it!
The poor baby had a mom
and a dad and friends.
He probably does.
I'm hungry.
Let's go get some food.
And here she comes, finally!
Jack, give me the camera back.
No! Come on, just catch up!
Jack, don't film me
when I'm tired.
I look awful.
You're the one who wanted
to see the countryside!
Look at it!
Isn't it beautiful?
Don't start.
Babe, can you remember
which way we came?
I think someone's got us lost.
No. This way.
- Mm-hmm.
- Come on.
Okay.
Jack, it's bloody dark now,
and you've gotten us lost,
and I'm freezing.
JACK: Give me the camera.
There's a light on it.
Here, get the lantern
from my bag.
- [LOUD SNARL]
- Shh, shh, shh!
- [SOFT GROWLING]
- Oh, my God, what?
You hear that?
- Yeah, what is that?
- [GROWL]
JACK: Don't know.
Come on, let's move.
GILLIAN: Jack, slow down!
JACK: Come on, then.
There's something behind us!
[GILLIAN WHIMPERING]
What was it?
[SOFT GROWLING]
Oh, my God, it's still there.
Jack, it's still there!
- Come on!
- [GILLIAN SCREAMS]
Gillian.
Gilly.
You just left me, you prick!
Shh, shh, shh!
Oh, shit. Jack!
- [GROWLING]
- [SCREAMING]
GILLIAN: Oh, my God!
Jack!
[GILLIAN SOBBING]
Oh, my God!
[PANTING]
- [WHIMPERING]
- [BANGING]
Please, let me in!
Help me, help me!
Oh, are you all right there,
my dear?
Oh, what's going on?
You can't just barge
into my house like this.
I'm so sorry, but there's
something out there.
I think it's just
killed my boyfriend!
Please, I need
to call the police!
Calm down, dear,
no need to worry.
You're safe now.
No, you don't understand.
I need to call the police!
It just...
It just grabbed him
like he was a piece of meat!
What grabbed him?
I don't know!
It was huge!
Oh, my God, Jack!
Oh, oh, you poor thing!
You're shaking!
Come on, let's get you
in the kitchen,
sit you down and get you
a nice cup of tea.
No, I just need to call
the police, please!
That's all right, dear.
The phone's in the kitchen.
Come this way.
This way, my dear.
Take a seat with my boys.
Just popping the kettle on.
We don't often get visitors,
do we, boys?
[DISHES CLATTERING]
Don't worry.
They won't bite you.
Do you take sugar?
Um, just milk.
Wait, did you say you had
a phone that I could use?
Oh, yes, sorry, dear.
There's me being mother.
Two seconds, my lovely.
I'll be right back.
Phone, phone,
now where did I put it?
[DISHES CLATTERING]
So, um, how long have
you guys lived here...
Oh!
Grub's up, boys!
Charlie!
Dinner time!
[GROWLING]
That's my boy.
Carpets make your day
We're dashing
through the lake
- [STEREO BLARING]
- [CAR HORN HONKS]
DRIVER: You fucking prick!
[CHUCKLES]
JADE: Dad!
- What is it?
- Phone for ya.
Already?
Only just opened.
Who is it?
I don't know.
- Who is it?
- Hey! Give it here.
Go and make us a cuppa.
Hello?
Oh, hello there, Mrs. Hanning.
[CHUCKLES]
Yes, I've got my best team
heading out to you.
Do not worry.
They're literally
loading up now, okay?
Lovely. If you have
any problems,
just give me a call, okay?
Thanks. Bye!
Morning, all.
JADE: Chris.
Ah, Christopher.
It seems your alarm clock
is 10 minutes out of sync again.
You really need
to look into that.
All right.
I had a... late night.
Ugh. Too much information.
I can't hear
that kettle boiling, Jade.
[SCOFFS]
Oh, yeah, make us a brew.
Gosh, as if I'm not
busy enough!
- Tash in?
- She's out back loading up.
Yes, and can you go
and help her, please?
It's a big job today.
All right, Nige.
God, I ain't even had a tea yet.
Remember to make up
for those 10 minutes
during your lunch as well.
Yeah, whatever.
Tash!
TASHA: Heads up!
Come on, watch the hair!
You vain sod.
Anyway, you're late, as always.
I had a bit of late one.
You know what I'm like
when I hit the sambucus.
Stop, stop.
I don't care.
Just get that on the van.
All right, chill out.
What's the job?
Some old country house
apparently,
in the middle of nowhere.
A big country house.
And here's your paperwork.
Have you got enough
gripper on the van?
Yes.
And underlay?
Yes, Nige.
Okay, just checking.
It's a good job for us,
this one.
Behave yourself, please.
Hold on, a full house?
Just you and me?
That's bullshit.
Don't worry. Your best mates
Dean and Colin will be there.
[SIGHS]
Great.
I think I prefer
just us doing it.
Where are they now, then?
Don't do it.
Colin, don't do it.
What?
You gonna hit a pipe.
I'm not gonna hit a pipe.
I am telling you now
you're gonna go hit a pipe.
I'm not going to hit
a bloody pipe.
How long do you think
I've been doing this job?
[SIGHS]
All right. Go on, then.
Oh, you didn't lay
the wrong way around.
Oh, for God's sake,
will you shut up?
I don't see you
down here doing it.
And how am I supposed to
fit down there with you?
And what's that
supposed to mean?
[GROANS]
See? Told ya.
[SIGHS]
She ain't happy.
Listen, Nige, it's fine.
She's all right with it.
And we told her
these things happen.
What? Well, of course I rang
the plumber, yeah, yeah.
Hey, hold on a minute.
Well, Malcolm has
just turned up now.
Yeah. I know, big house,
big job, big money, I get it.
Don't panic, all right?
We'll start loading up the van,
and we'll head out there.
All right, okay.
Okay, okeydokey.
Cheese. Bye, Nige.
Bye. Bye.
He never bloody stops him.
- Morning, fellas.
- Malcolm.
Oh, finally showed up now
we've finished the job.
Where's your car?
Oh, yeah, sorry, man.
I sorta lost it.
- You lost your car?
- Didn't mean to.
I had a late night one,
you know?
Hey, I got home okay,
though, didn't I?
How did you lose it?
I shouldn't even ask.
Can't remember.
Oh, well, these things turn up.
They always do.
You see, they don't,
though, Malcolm.
Your car keys maybe,
but a little Fiat Punto
ain't gonna turn up
on your windowsill, is it?
Oh, well, luckily,
I left the keys in the car,
so at least I'll get them back
at the same time.
Don't worry. He's just in a mood
'cause he's weed himself.
Oh, right, yeah, cool.
Overactive bladder syndrome.
That is common when you
get to, like, your 50s.
- My nan had it.
- Shut it, Malcolm.
I'm not even 50.
Lob your bike in the van
and get in.
- Where we going now, then?
- Gonna go meet Tash.
Your favorite, hey?
Whoa, what you doing?
You in the back as well, mate.
Isn't that illegal,
me in the back?
Not if you keep your head down.
Why can't I sit up there
with you two?
Malcolm, apprentices
have to sit in the back.
We've been through this.
It's a rite of passage.
All right, then.
You say we're
meeting Tash, yeah?
Wow. Can really smell the shit
in the air around here.
[PHONE CHIMES]
[LAUGHS]
Aw, Craig's a player, man.
Top lad.
Some funny shit!
What are you doing?
Craig sent me some pics
from last night. Look.
Don't you think my arms
look big in that shirt?
Is that Malcolm
in the background?
- Is it?
- [DEVICE BEEPING]
Don't remember seeing him out.
Look, forget your phone.
Can you help me fix the satnav?
Chill out!
[SIGHS]
Look, it's broken anyway.
I told you that last time.
What you reckon,
new profile pic?
[SIGHS]
Just forget your phone.
Just find directions.
I'll just ring Nige
and ask him.
[PHONE RINGING]
This one here?
Oh, so lovely, so soft.
[RINGING CONTINUES]
Feel your feet on that.
[PHONE RINGING]
Phone, Jade!
Don't be shy.
Take your shoes off.
Cupid Carpets.
Jade speaking.
Dad! Phone!
Perfect color for
this time of year as well.
[CHUCKLES]
Who is it?
Who is it?
It's Chris!
[CHUCKLES]
Excuse me one second.
Don't let them leave.
Yes, hello?
The postcode is
on the paperwork.
What?
Well, use a satnav.
Who broke it?
Sorry, mate.
You guys not been
to this place before, no?
No, Malcolm, otherwise
I wouldn't be working out
Nigel's useless directions,
would I?
When did you start
smoking, then?
Me? Oh, few years now.
[COUGHS]
- Want one?
- No, thanks.
I don't think you're gonna
impress Tasha with all that.
You know, she's a health freak.
Really?
Don't even know why I started,
to be honest.
Only started last week.
I think it's just a case of...
You're rambling again.
Aw, I just dripped egg
all over the roadmap.
You're an animal.
Haven't you chaps ever thought
about using one of those
satellite navigation thingies?
- I don't trust them.
- Why?
I just don't.
Tell him why.
Because they're
not always right.
Or because some people follow
every instruction blindly,
even if it means
driving into a fence.
Well, it said turn right,
didn't it?
How many times did I say
you're going the wrong way, Col?
Oh, look, there's a fence, Col.
We're going to crash, Colin.
- Is that true?
- He's lying again.
Oh, I'm lying, am I?
Let's go and ask the poor family
having their kid's birthday
party in the garden, shall we?
Ask them if I'm lying.
Oh, he's over-exaggerating
it a bit.
Anyway, shouldn't we be
getting a move on, fellas?
Malcolm, you know the score.
The quicker we get there,
the more work
we're gonna have to do.
Chill out, they'll be fine.
[OMINOUS]
CHRIS: When he said "big,"
I didn't think this kind of big.
TASHA: Well done, Nige.
Can see why he wanted
all of us here.
CHRIS: Fucking great.
Enjoy the pie, boys.
[KNOCKING]
All I'm saying is
I just either prefer
working on my own or with you
'cause the others do my head in.
Hello.
- Hi. Mrs. Hanning, is it?
- Yes.
- We're from Cupid Carpets.
- Oh, the carpet people!
Do come in, do come in.
Thank you.
Ooh, you're a strong man,
aren't you?
The job keeps me fit.
I bet it does.
I bet it does.
Just follow me.
Do you want me
to show you around or...
You show us
where the living room is,
we can set up in there,
if you like.
Okay, my dears,
this way, then.
It's nice and quiet
around here, isn't it?
Yes. Just the way
I like it.
This is the living room.
It should be
no problem at all.
We don't use it much anymore.
We've got so many other rooms.
Jeez, look at this fella.
Could be from that film.
What's it called?
That's an old relative
of mine, my dear.
Quite a family heirloom, that.
We managed to move
most of the furniture for you.
On your own?
My boys helped me.
We got rid of all
the old carpets as well.
I know that can be a pain.
Yeah, you wouldn't
believe what your carpets
will pick up over the years.
No, I can imagine.
Can I get you a cup of tea
or anything?
Oh, yeah, tea would be great,
thanks. No sugar.
One tea, no sugar.
And you, my dear?
Oh, no, I'm fine, thank you.
All right, well, give me a shout
if you change your mind.
- Seriously?
- What?
Well, no wonder she lives
all the way out here
'cause her family's well ugly.
You need to watch your mouth.
I speak to the customers,
not you, simple.
Okay, okay, calm down.
Just making conversation.
Bet this place is haunted
or something.
If you believe in that crap.
You could make a proper good
horror film here, though.
They were just some
ordinary carpet fitters.
She was a sweet old lady
that lived in some crap hole
in the middle of nowhere.
Are you actually gonna
do some work today?
Why don't you get that stuff
off the van?
- Well, what you gonna do?
- Prep upstairs.
Well, the others better hurry up
'cause I ain't doing all this
on my own.
Hey
No, you're outta the frame
No, you're
outta the frame
No, you're outta the frame
No, you're
outta the frame
No, you're outta the frame
- [CLICK]
- What are you doing, man?
You're doing my head in,
giving me a headache.
- I was getting into it.
- Yeah, I noticed.
Don't give up the day job
whatever you do.
Oh, sorry, Col!
[SIGHS]
What's wrong with you today?
Nothing. What do you mean?
You're a miserable bastard,
that's what I mean.
She's leaving me, Dean.
Who is?
Carol, my wife!
Jesus, you've met her
at every Christmas doo
for the last five years!
Yeah, I know who Carol is.
Do you wanna talk about it?
No, not really.
All right.
Well, actually,
if you must know,
she says I've become boring
and predictable,
and I'm just not
spontaneous anymore.
I mean, me,
not spontaneous?
I get fish and chips for dinner
every Friday night,
ungrateful bitch!
You let it out, mate.
Better if we pull over, eh?
I mean, how am I suppose
to fit it all in?
I'm trying to pay for
the patio she's always wanted.
That's why I work
the extra overtime.
No, I'm not silly,
I know I might have
put on a few pounds
since the '80s,
but we've all changed
since then.
I mean, she ain't exactly
Bonnie fucking Tyler.
- You know what I mean?
- Sure, mate.
I mean, I try and do
the right thing, settle down,
get a secure job,
get married, have kids,
and this is what I get for it.
It's a joke, Dean,
it's a joke.
I'm a joke!
Right, listen to me now.
You are not a joke,
so pull yourself together.
You are Colin the carpet fitter,
and the best carpet fitter
I know.
And carpet fitters don't cry,
do they?
Hey?
No. So who are ya?
Colin the carpet fitter.
That's right, and what don't
carpet fitters do?
Carpet fitters don't cry.
Exactly, and what are we
gonna do now?
Go fit some carpet.
Good. Come on, then.
- Sorry about that, mate.
- It's all right, mate.
You know where
you're going, yeah?
I think so, I think so.
Just a case of staying positive.
No, I mean, you know
where you're driving to?
[HIP-HOP]
Here you are, my lovely.
Ah, thanks, love.
Cheers.
[KEYS JINGLE]
[LOCK CLACKS]
I want to take you out
to dinner
My darling
[CONTINUES]
What is this shit?
[CONTINUES]
For when we die
Wade through the line
The pending high
Beautiful.
Beautiful.
Thank you.
Thank you for coming.
Thank you.
[SIGHS]
Tash!
I'm ready to fit
down here now!
Shall we get the carpets
off the van?!
Tash?!
Fucking deaf, man!
Weird.
Hello!
I can't seem to open
this door!
Hello!
Old lady!
Anyone!
Hey, little fella.
Hey, look,
take it easy, mate.
Look, I don't know
what you want, but...
[SCREAMS]
Chris?
[CONTINUES]
My fucking nose.
Sorry, Tash.
Fuck!
Fuck!
[SCREECH]
[SCREECHING]
[SCREECHING]
[SCREECHING]
Boys! Boys!
Stop it now!
[SCREECH]
Now let's get this stuff
cleaned up!
[DOOR OPENS]
[FOOTSTEPS]
[GRUNTS]
[TASHA GROANS]
[GROANS]
[GROANS]
[GROANS]
[YELLS]
[GRUNTING]
[GRUNTS]
[GAGGING]
William.
What have you done to my boy?
Don't come any closer.
- I mean it!
- [LAUGHS]
[THUD]
[GROANING]
Charlie!
Dinner time!
[LAUGHTER]
Boys! Come and help me
clean this mess up!
Hello?
[LOW GROWL]
[SNARLING]
- [LOUD ROAR]
- [SCREAMING]
Nice work, boys.
Let's get this grub sold,
and then I'm gonna treat us all
to a lovely lunch.
[ENGINE STARTS]
Tell you what.
I'm glad I'm here.
I'm dying for a leak.
Oh, lovely.
Grab the tools, then.
Come on, then.
- What was he crying about?
- Oh, mate, leave it.
- Hello!
- We at the right house?
Oh, I hope so 'cause there's
nothing else around here.
- But where's the van?
- What van?
The other work van.
Chris and Tash are supposed
to be here already.
Maybe they parked in the back,
skiving or something.
Someone better be in.
I'm gagging for a piss now.
Look, that's our underlay
in there.
Where?
Well, where they gone, then?
Chris!
Tasha!
Come on, let's have a nose
around the back.
Malcolm, you stay there.
Beep the horn if anyone comes.
Whoa.
I tell you what, mate,
I wouldn't mind a place
like this when I'm older.
Yeah, Carol always wanted me
to move out to the sticks.
Hey, Col, it's opened, mate.
Hello!
It's the carpet fitters!
Anyone home?
Well, I don't know.
Right, I'm going for a piss.
No, you're bloody not!
Dean! Dean!
Mate, I can't hold it.
Two minutes.
That's not very professional!
[SIGHS]
[CLANK]
[METAL RATTLING]
[ZING]
[GRUNTS]
[GROWLS]
[CLATTERING]
- [WHISTLING]
- [SPLASHING]
[ZIPPER ZIPS]
[TOILET FLUSHES]
[CLATTERING]
[GROWLS]
[FOOTSTEPS]
Oh, finally.
What's the matter with you?
Fingers.
What?
There were some fingers
in the toilet.
What you talking about?
I just saw two human fingers
floating about willy-nilly.
Not a turd or anything normal.
Fingers.
Your eyes are
playing tricks on ya.
You need to get
some glasses, mate.
What you eating?
Little slice of this pie.
Chicken, I think.
Spit it out.
You just used the toilet
without asking.
Hardly think
they're gonna notice
a little sliver of pie
missing.
There's a nipple in the pie.
A what?
There is a human nipple
in the pie.
[COUGHS]
[GROWLING]
[GROWLING]
[POP]
[SIGHS]
[CONTINUES]
Hello?
Yeah, yeah, sure, Nige.
Yeah, sure.
Landing, stairs, hallway.
Yeah, no worries, mate, yeah.
Well, I can fit that
for you on...
on Tuesday.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
[RATTLING]
No way.
Bloody hell, Col,
there's toes in this as well!
[GROANS]
Get me a bloody towel.
Do you reckon you just eat
a bit of Chris or something?
[COUGHS]
[RATTLING CONTINUES]
Hello?
Is someone there?
Malcolm?
Tasha, what the bloody hell
you doing down there?
No time. Help me get
these doors open now.
This is a wind-up, innit?
- [CHARLIE ROARS]
- What was that?
Just get me the fuck
out of here.
All right, all right.
Lads! Lads!
Oh, it won't open!
- Just do something, quick!
- All right!
I've got an idea!
[COUGHING]
I knew that meat was funny.
Now do you believe me about
the fingers in the toilet?
What you think is going on?
I don't even want to say it.
[HONKING]
Malcolm!
- What are you doing?
- TASHA: Please hurry up!
- Is that someone down there?
- Oh, my God!
This is like
that Pretzel bloke!
It's Fritzl, you idiot.
It's Tasha!
Get me the fuck out of here.
Give me that!
Come on!
[SNIFFING]
[SNARLING]
[GROWLING]
Oh, shit.
Get these fucking doors
open now!
- Are you all right?
- Tasha!
- What is going on?!
- [CHARLIE ROARS]
- And what the fuck was that?
- Let's go!
- [ROARING]
- Yeah!
- Malcolm!
- Oh, shit. Sorry!
[ENGINE STARTS]
DEAN: Go, go!
- Oh, bollocks!
- What now?
You left my toolbox
in the kitchen.
Is that really important?
Well, they're my own tools.
Expensive.
Carol bought me most of them.
Oh, fair enough, then, mate.
Wanna nip in and get them?
We'll just wait out here and
see if we get killed or not!
Jesus. I'm gonna buy you
a new fucking toolbox.
Can we just get out of here?
- [GASPS]
- [SCREAMS]
Tasha!
Dean, we're in trouble, mate!
[WHEEZES]
What you want to do?
Uh, hide!
They've already seen you,
you wolly!
Come on!
Guys?
Is everything all right?
MALCOLM: What is going on?
Malcolm, stay in there.
He ain't see ya.
- What are we gonna do?
- We can make a run for it.
Ready?
[WHOOSH]
Get back, get back!
Get back!
- MALCOLM: What's going on?
- Shit, and all of them.
Oh, God, now what we gonna do?
The house.
Back in there?
[SCREECHES]
Well, what are you
waiting for?
- Now what?
- Weapons.
- Weapons?
- Have that.
I'm not working now, mate.
Use it to defend yourself with!
We're supposed to
fight them off with these?
I don't think we've
got much choice, mate.
There's one outside!
Move.
MRS. HANNING: We know
you're in there, gentlemen.
What do you want from us?
I would've thought
that was obvious by now.
She still want her
carpets fitted?
We're intending to have you
for dinner.
Move!
- Dean, in here.
- Shit.
What are we doing?
Hide.
- And I suggest you do the same!
- Brilliant.
[DOOR OPENS]
[GROANS]
Get off me,
you fucking asshole!
Whenever you're ready, Col!
[YELLS]
Get back!
Get back! Get back!
[SCREAMS]
Come on!
[DOOR OPENS]
All right, that's it.
We're well fucked.
This has got to be
the worst job we've been on.
Get your phone out, ring Nigel,
let him know what's going on.
Good idea,
but it's at home on charge.
- What?
- It was dead before I left.
- Where's yours?
- Well, I left it in the van.
Oh, great.
Good night, carpet fitters.
- We are dead.
- Just calm down, all right?
We'll just stay here,
and we'll wait it out.
Hey, Col, look at this stuff.
Bet it's worth a fortune.
Where do they get it all from?
I don't know. Let's wait until
they come down and ask them.
- As I suspected.
- What's that?
These carpets.
Nigel was knocking them out
dirt cheap in the shop.
Really? How interesting.
That old bird's been
in the shop, you know?
I bet this one's
worth a few pounds.
[SCREAMS]
[THUD]
Col?
You all right?
[GROANS]
Not really, mate.
I just fell through the floor!
Hang on. I'll see if I can
find something to get you out.
MRS. HANNING: Let's find
the little bastards!
Shit. They're coming.
Well, go on, save yourself.
I'm done for.
I ain't leaving ya.
Get to the van.
My phone's in there.
Okay, okay.
I'll be back, mate, I promise.
Just go!
Somebody's been playing
with my toys.
[LAUGHS]
[GROANING]
[LAUGHS]
Come on down.
I'd like to see you
make a pie out of me!
Silly fool.
I'm not going to eat you,
but he might.
Who?
You'll find out.
[LAUGHS]
Oi, come back,
you silly cow!
Oi!
Shit.
Col?
Dean?
Listen, guys, don't be mad.
I know you told me
to stay in the van,
but it was dark,
and it was hot, and it was...
Tasha!
[PANTING]
Oh, God.
Oh, God.
Okay.
[GRUNTS]
Okay.
All right, mate, calm down.
I get it.
You're pissed off
'cause the whole
staple in the foot thing.
[SCREAMS]
[MALCOLM GASPS]
Shit.
Shit, shit, shit,
shit, shit, shit.
Shit, shit, shit, shit,
shit, shit, shit, shit, shit.
Don't look at me.
You shot him.
[SCREECHING]
You fucking little bastard!
Right! Before we get
any more unwanted attention,
dispose of your
brother's body, please!
Is she still in there?
Get her in
for tomorrow's supper,
and please get rid
of that bloody van!
If I have to see that fucking
stupid logo one more time,
I'll have all your balls
for breakfast!
Oi! Go hide
your brother's body first,
then I'll let you have a bite.
Go on!
Get out and get on with it!
Come on to my land,
into my house,
and think that you can
kill my boys?
You gob shites don't know
who you're messing with.
[DISTANT SCREECHING]
Oh, for Christ's sake.
What now?
[SCREECHING CONTINUES]
You all right, mate?
She trap you down here
as well?
Somebody get me the fuck
out of here.
- [BANGING]
- [SCREECHING]
What the hell is
going on in here?
[GRUNTS]
I take it
you've let him get away.
This is ridiculous!
Well? You gonna go and find
the little ginger bastard
or hang around me
like a wet dog all day, hey?
Or do I have to do
everything myself?
No, no, no, no, no.
[POP]
Have you got through
to anyone yet?
Nope.
Have you even tried?
Uh, yes, I've tried
both Tash and Chris,
thank you very much.
No answer.
Right.
Give us the phone.
I'll give Colin a try.
[SIGHS]
[PHONE RINGS]
Hello.
Colin?
Ah...
- [DIAL TONE]
- Hello?
Why doesn't anyone
answer their bloody phone?
What happened?
I'm not sure.
Oh, I hope it's not
another plumber call out.
Keep trying them, hey?
[POP]
Yes. Yes!
Yes! Lads! Lads!
Oh, shit.
Shit!
So you can't find
the little shite anywhere?
If he's got out, we're ruined,
do you know that?
When it gets dark, we'll send
Charlie out after him.
Until then,
start packing your stuff.
When Harry gets back,
we'll take a little holiday,
I think.
[PANTING]
Yes.
Come on.
[LAUGHS]
Yes.
[BEEPS]
Fuck!
- Okay.
- [BEEPS]
Emergency. Which service?
Police, ambulance. Anything with
flashing lights, yeah?
Sir, I need you to tell me
which service you require.
Fire, ambulance, or police.
I need police, but probably
an ambulance as well.
Connecting
to multiple services.
- Thank God.
- What is your location?
I don't know, I'm in the middle
of fucking nowhere, mate!
Did you say Norfolk?
No, I don't know where I am.
What is the nature
of your call, sir?
I don't know. It's been
one of those days, you know?
Please calm down, sir,
and explain the best you can.
Okay, right, where to start?
Um, well, I found
some fingers in a toilet,
my friend ate a pie
that had a nipple in it,
then the cannibals
tried to get us,
one of them shot a spear
through my friend's cheek,
and my other mate, he fell
through the trap door thingy,
and he's still
trapped down there.
Is there an adult with you?
I'm an adult.
[DIAL TONE]
Hello?
Oh.
Stay back!
I did warn ya!
[SNARLS]
[SNARLS]
[GROWLS]
Please.
I'm done.
[PHONE RINGING]
[RINGING]
Hello. Cupid Carpets.
Jade speaking.
- Jade, thank God! It's Dean!
- You all right?
Yeah, is your dad there?
I ain't got long.
It's been proper boring
here today, you know?
Jade, can you just
get Nigel, please?
All right, touchy!
You haven't messed
another job up, have ya?
'Cause he'll be well pissed.
Here he is now. Dad!
Dean on the phone.
Hello, Dean.
Please tell me
it's all going okay.
Nige, it ain't gone
quite to plan.
What do you mean?
What have you broke this time?
I swear, Dean, if you and Colin
have botched this one up,
you better start looking
for somewhere else to work.
No, listen, we are in
serious trouble here, yeah?
[BEEP]
Listen, Nige,
this is gonna die on me.
You got to get help.
Get help to the house, yeah?
Hello?
Oh, come on!
[SIGHS]
He heard me. He must've.
What was all that about?
Not sure.
Reception's terrible.
I'm gonna head over there.
I can't afford this, Jade.
Bloody cowboys,
the lot of them.
Have they messed up?
Are you sacking them?
I'm not going
to sack anyone yet.
Depends what's happened.
I trust I can leave you
to lock up?
- Yeah, fine.
- All right, well, I'll go over
and see if I can fix whatever
mess they've made, then.
You get Natasha on the mobile,
see what's going on
and let me know, okay?
Yeah, yeah, no worries.
Right, I'll see you later.
Tell your mother
I'm probably going
to be working late.
Guess what, man.
I finished early, yeah.
What you doing?
Malcolm, get the fuck
in the van!
I think you've just
killed someone!
I know. Don't worry.
He was a cannibal.
Oh, I kind of feel
less guilty now.
- Well, get in!
- Okay.
What the hell
were you doing out here?
Long story.
See what they did to Tash?
- I know, mate, I know.
- Have you called anyone?
I got hold of Nigel,
and I think he's on his way out.
What a nightmare!
How many are there
of these cannibals?
- Malcolm, you're a genius.
- Huh?
There was three
and the old bag.
Now that one's roadkill,
the fat one
fell out the window.
That's who that was.
Which means it's just
the big bald fella left.
We can take him.
Why have we got
to go back in there?
To get Col.
[KNOCKING]
You!
Going somewhere?
[THUD]
Come on.
Where are we going?
Col's in the basement.
Keep 'em peeled.
Big fella's a sneaky bugger.
Quick, before he uses
his giant fish gun!
[SCREECHING]
MALCOLM: You know that part
where you said we can take him?
- Yeah?
- That was a lie, right?
- In here!
- [YELPS]
He seems really angry.
Probably 'cause you just punched
his mother in the face.
You think reckon
that's upset him?
Do you realize there's
another door there, right?
[WHEEZING]
- [SCREECHES]
- Sorry.
Malcolm!
[SCREECHING]
Please! No! No!
Oi!
Asshole!
[CLICK]
[CLICKING]
[WHIMPERS]
[GUNSHOT]
[GASPS]
I got one!
Oh. Nice one, buddy.
[SCREAMS]
Dean!
Oh, bother!
[SCREAMS]
[THUD]
That old woman
is doing my head in.
Let's go get Col.
Dean, what are we even
looking for?
That, Malcolm.
And how are we gonna
get down there?
I don't know yet.
- Still got your lighter?
- Oh, yeah.
I don't have any cigs left,
though, so...
No, so we can see
what we're doing down there.
[GASPS]
- [SCREAMS]
- [THUD]
[GROANS]
You evil bitch!
Malc!
Malc, are you alive, mate?
Malcolm!
Malcolm, you there?
Fuck!
Col, you better be alive, mate.
Col.
Colin.
Fuck's sake.
Col!
- Come on, you bastard.
- [FLICKING LIGHTER]
[GROWLS]
[SCREAMS]
[SNARLS]
[SNARLS]
You fucking stink.
Dean, now, mate!
[SCREAMS]
- [STABS]
- [ROARS]
[ROARS]
Dean!
[ROARS]
[SHOUTS]
That's enough! Let's go!
What's the matter?
That looks like
a nasty bite, mate.
You think I'm gonna
turn into one?
Don't be so stupid!
Come on!
Let's go! Let's go!
What the hell?
I'm gonna bloody kill 'em!
Hello!
Dean?
Colin!
Anyone in?
Can anybody hear me?
Mrs. Hanning!
Well, this is all seems
a little bit odd.
[WHIMPERING]
[ROARING]
You find some backup?
- I found Malcolm.
- Well, where is he, then?
He didn't make it, mate.
Poor sod.
[CHARLIE ROARS]
Over there!
Fucking wedged shut, mate!
This way!
Shit!
Hello?
Dean?
Colin?
Wait, wait, wait,
wait, wait, wait!
Hello?
Is anyone down there?
This is useless.
[PHONE BEEPS]
Hi, Colin, it's Nigel.
Can you give me a ring when
you get this message, please?
I'm at the house,
and there's just...
[COUGHING]
[THUD]
[THUD]
DEAN: Here, look, Col, look!
- Yes!
- Oh, you beauty.
It's a way out, mate!
Yes!
[CHARLIE GROWLS]
Shit, Col, I think he's coming!
Go, go, go!
[GRUNTS]
[THUD]
[SIGHS]
Charlie!
We're leaving!
[ECHOES]
I suggest you get
your arse up here!
Time to go.
- You all right?
- Yeah.
I just want to go
and see Carol, mate.
You're not Charlie.
What did he say?
Col, look at his shirt.
[SCREAMS]
No, wait! What are you doing?
Wait! Wait!
- Hey!
- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Easy, lads.
Doing all right?
[COLIN CHUCKLES]
Oh, give us a break, hey?
Easy, lads, easy!
- Okay.
- We met your mother.
- Col, there's some in there!
- [COLIN CHUCKLES]
Oh, God.
What's he carrying?
Col, there's some behind us!
Oh, it's a bloody ax!
What is that?
Oh, Col.
Col, Col, Col, Col.
What are we gonna do?
Carpet fitters don't cry!
[SHOUTING]
Catching up
with my old friends
At Uncle Charlie's place
My pal says,
Al, hey, check it out
Look who showed her face
We met two years before
But all would end in misery
Say what you may
Fate has a way
Some call it destiny
How are you
And yes, thank you
And all the pleasantries
Well, it's loud in here
Let's go out there
And chew our old stories
Yeah, I recall the worst of
Though our love
was bittersweet
You're overdue
I'm someone new
At least
that's what I think
Sure picked a fine time
to come
For what was did
couldn't be undone
Don't walk back in,
then turn and run
Sure picked a fine time
to come
Well, I dropped
my aspiration
And I took
a fall from grace
I fought for you
I know it too
Some things never change
We've been down
this road before
But there's light this time
I'm sure
Yeah, I still got
your photographs
And every single paragraph
you wrote me
Just hoping
Sure picked a fine time
to come
For what was did
couldn't be undone
Don't walk back in,
then turn and run
Sure picked a fine time
to come
What the hell
are you doing here
I'll drift in
your atmosphere
Just like you to turn up
out of the blue
When you're missing him
Sure picked a fine time
to come
For what was did
couldn't be undone
Don't walk back in,
then turn and run
Sure picked a fine time
to come
My pal says,
Al, don't turn around
Let her walk away