(HORN HONKING)
Nurse!
Will you call psycho ward
and tell Captain Newman
his lousy flock's
on the loose again?
Okay!
Let's go.
Hendricks will drop
your bag off at the BOQ.
Thanks, Captain.
Sure.
Six copies, please.
Colonel Larrabee, please.
I'm Lieutenant Alderson.
I'm Larrabee, Lieutenant.
Air Surgeon's Office
wired you were coming.
Come on in.
PYSER: Larrabee.
Sir?
Who the devil's in charge
of this hospital?
You or Dr. Newman?
His Ward 7's got
the lowest
return-to-duty rate
in the entire
Area Command.
Psychosis, he says.
Neuroses!
Psychogenic syndrome!
Colonel Pyser,
base commander.
And a prize...
Why don't you take
a look around, Lieutenant,
and come back later?
All right.
(KNOCKlNG ON DOOR)
Admission's free.
Come on in.
What's on your mind,
Lieutenant?
Nothing, sir.
That's dandy,
but hardly plausible.
Have a chair.
Thank you, sir.
Well, how do you feel?
Quite well, sir.
How do you feel?
Okay. Okay, let's play games.
(EXCLAlMS)
Are you under the impression
I'm here as a patient?
Well, aren't you?
Why, certainly not.
I'm Lieutenant Alderson,
Air Surgeon's Office,
Statistical Section.
(LAUGHlNG)
Well, what do you
know about that?
And here I was,
making a brilliant
spot diagnosis.
Guarded, a little tense,
nice party manners,
not quite so secure
as you'd like me to think.
Statistical Section?
Sit down.
We're making a survey
of the capacity of
stateside base hospitals
to handle the flow of
overseas casualties.
Well, that's quite
a mouthful for a report
you could write
on a cigarette paper.
We're short of beds,
doctors, orderlies,
nurses, everything.
Except patients.
Particularly
in your field.
Our charts show
an alarming increase
in neuropsychiatric cases.
Far beyond the norm.
How do you data demons
determine a norm?
Well, sir, we have
facts and figures and...
Yes, Gavoni?
Haskell's hallucinating again.
He's under his bed
fighting the Japanese,
yelling and screaming
he wants to go home.
Does he have
a favorite in food?
Chocolate malts.
Well, then, you get him
a nice, big chocolate malt
with cookies.
Put it on the floor
near his bed
where he can see it.
Tell him
he'll hurt my feelings
if he isn't back in his bed
by the time I come round.
Roger!
Roger.
We say Roger quite
a bit around here.
Makes us feel like heroes.
Why don't you
loosen your tie
before you suffocate?
Sir, our charts show...
You can forget
about that "sir."
My first name is Joe.
What's yours?
Belden.
What?
Belden.
Is that what your friends
actually call you? Belden?
No, my friends
call me Barney.
Congratulations!
You've got fine friends.
Now, about that
alarming increase
in N.P. cases, Barney,
here's the reason why.
Now, during the first
the files were almost empty.
So was Ward 7.
In those days,
these men weren't
considered to be sick.
Some tossed their
cookies every time
they had to go up.
Some of them
had nightmares.
Some of them shook
so hard they couldn't
even hold a spoon.
But they went up!
No mollycoddling
in the Air Corps.
No, sirree!
You couldn't convince
anyone that
these were symptoms!
Symptoms!
And that a symptom
is a red flag
with danger
written all over it.
Now you wouldn't think
it'd take much brains
to comprehend that,
would you?
So acute anxiety cases
were sent into combat,
and sooner or later,
they began to crack up.
Now they're streaming back
from Europe, from Africa,
from the Pacific.
And when we do get them,
we get six weeks to
get them back into duty,
discharge them
or send them to
a permanent hospital.
And every time
I hold a man over,
all hell breaks loose.
Excuse me, Captain.
What do you say, Blodgett?
Time for morning rounds.
Well, all right.
Roger.
You ever been inside
of a psychiatric ward?
Well, no...
Come on. You're invited.
KOPP: Hey, Doc.
A new man checked in
around 9:30 this morning.
Violent?
No, he's not a patient.
He's a hospital orderly.
What? Where?
Well, right now
he's on his way to
administration to report in.
He's scheduled for Ward 4.
A mere detail.
Now look,
you promise him girls,
furloughs, anything.
Wrap him in cotton wool
and deliver him to my office.
Roger.
We had to put
Miller in wet packs.
That major in 4G
became pretty violent
around 4:00 p.m.
And Wilkinson made that
phone call to his father.
If you're a member
of the club,
it means sodium
pentothal treatment.
PYSER: Newman!
Excuse me.
Colonel?
Captain Newman.
This report of yours
on Colonel Bliss,
that the only basis
you have for grounding him?
Yes, sir.
Because of a
trivial incident at the
Officers' Club last night?
Well, I don't recall
using the word "trivial"
anywhere in there, Colonel.
(CHUCKLlNG)
Come now, Newman.
He chewed out
a second lieutenant
for spilling his drink.
So what? He apologized
to him a moment later,
didn't he?
Yes, sir.
And he apologized again
and again and again,
until the lieutenant,
in sheer embarrassment,
had to leave the place.
His behavior was
out of proportion,
to my mind...
I know, I know.
Symptomatic of
mental disturbance.
Quote, unquote.
You're bound and determined
to get Colonel Bliss
into that Sunnybrook Farm
of yours, aren't you?
Well, you're not.
Because he doesn't belong
with your prize collection
of oddballs,
malingerers
and yellow-bellies
who get themselves
a rest cure
by coming to you with
a cock-and-bull story
about how they get
the sweats every time they
think of home and mother.
Colonel, every man
in Ward 7 is sick.
I think that
Colonel Bliss
may be sick, too.
You think he may be sick?
I'm sorry I can't
be more specific,
but the kind of
sickness we deal with
doesn't show up in
X-rays or fluoroscopes.
It shows up in behavior.
Colonel Bliss is one
of the most brilliant
tacticians
fighting the air war
in the Pacific.
And he's needed back
at his command!
Well, if he is unstable,
he shouldn't be back
at his command.
The lives of too many men
depend on his judgment.
Larrabee.
Sir.
I'm ordering a special
medical hearing for
Colonel Bliss.
I don't want Captain Newman
present or anyone influenced
by Captain Newman.
Just stay close
to me, Barney.
Try to look as if
it's all old stuff.
(WHlSTLES)
Rise and shine, men.
Bombs away. He's in.
(ALL CHEERlNG)
Captain Flak Juice
rides again!
(WHOOPlNG)
(SlNGlNG) Captain Flak Juice
came to town with
Blodgett and Gavoni
Stuck a patient
you know where
and called it macaroni
Step right up
and get your shot...
It will hurt an awful lot
'Cause we say baloney
(ALL LAUGHlNG)
You guys seem a bit
depressed this morning.
Let's hear it
for Captain Newman.
(ALL BOOlNG)
One of these days
you guys are gonna
drive me nuts.
(ALL CHEERlNG)
Gentlemen, prepare
for morning rounds.
Well, Arthur,
how's everything?
Patient slept fine.
Appetite good,
digestion marvelous,
drainage system
sensational.
Arthur Werbel,
ready for discharge, sir.
But he ain't moving
an inch out of this
beautiful bed, Doc,
because he's got it
made. Made.
You can say
that again, sailor.
But you're gonna
have to develop
some symptoms.
Now, how can l
keep you in here
unless you show me
some symptoms?
Well, symptoms...
You describe them,
I'll develop them.
I got talent, Doc. Look.
Oh, gee. Oh, Doc.
Right here in the gut,
they got me.
Oh, I'm dying.
Blodgie. Blodgie,
give me a kiss
before I kick off.
Now, that alone proves
I'm off my rocker. Right?
Wouldn't fool an intern
in Ward 2. You know
how dumb they are.
They got me
in the back, Doc.
I'm burning up.
Oh, Doc. I'm dying.
No, don't touch that.
Drop dead, buster!
No jerk is getting
this hat off my head!
I'm getting
out of here, see.
I'm busting out
of here and heading
for the Navy to be
with my brother Frank.
Frank is my brother!
Who's helping him, huh?
Who's looking after him?
Now take it easy, sailor.
In a pig's eye.
I didn't ask to be
in this cheesy Air Corps.
I should be out
looking after Frank.
Doc, I'll...
I'll do anything, honest.
I'll do anything in the Navy.
I'll swab the decks,
I'll take top deck ack-ack,
I'll stay down in the sub.
You got to fix it.
You, please,
got to get me out of here.
Please.
We need a little more time.
Why don't you tell
the lieutenant here
that you didn't really
want him to drop dead?
Hmm?
I'm sorry, Lieutenant.
I... I take it all back.
I don't want you
to drop dead.
See, I'm apologizing, Doc.
Attaboy.
Would it help any
if he could see
his brother?
It might, except he
doesn't have a brother.
Well, Bobby.
So what's the good
word today?
That's right.
Try.
Come on, Bobby.
Let Captain Newman hear
how nicely you can say it.
You said "hello"
for me this morning.
Remember?
He did, Doc.
I heard him say "hello"
plain as anything.
It'll come, Bobby.
Morning, Captain.
How you feeling?
I got a few pains.
You know, right here.
Captain, you're
not eating right.
How'd you sleep?
All right.
Any bad dreams, Captain?
The usual.
Dry. That's good.
No sweat.
That's the first thing
to look for, right?
You're handling your
tensions better, boy.
Nurse, give this patient
and a high colonic.
He's a good boy.
(CHUCKLlNG)
Just a little wacky.
Thinks he's a captain.
Thinks he's a psychiatrist.
Well, it's all that stuff
you've got me on, Carrozzo.
It gives me
delusions of grandeur.
(MlMlCKlNG MACHlNE GUN FlRlNG)
Stop it! Stop it!
Stop it!
Stop it!
(ALL SHOUTlNG)
It's all right.
It's all right.
Come on. Attaboy.
BLODGETT: Come on,
back to your beds.
Get that little yellow-belly
out of here. He makes me sick.
That "little yellow-belly,"
as you call him,
racked up 26 missions.
Now, what the devil
have you done,
except beat up on
some kid half your size?
It's tough enough
around here without...
Baloney!
All you do is beef,
bulldoze and feel sorry
for yourself.
Now when are you
gonna wise up?
The next time this
character pulls
something like that,
you bring him
to my office.
Can't a guy have
any fun around here?
Not that kind.
Now look,
I'm stuck with you
and you're stuck with me.
One of us
has got to change,
and it's going
to be you.
Okay, Doc.
Thanks, Gavoni.
Hey, Doc.
I got that orderly.
We've been playing gin
and he's beating
my brains out.
Well, never mind about that.
I'll pick up the tab.
Just send him in.
Fine.
I'd better get
squared away.
Thanks for the tour.
Roger.
Yeah. By all means.
Roger.
(KNOCKlNG ON DOOR)
Come in.
Good morning.
Well, what's your name?
Leibowitz.
First name?
Jackson.
Sit down.
How old are you?
Twenty-seven.
I believe that it's
customary for a soldier
to address an officer
as "sir."
Sir.
Well, what's customary
for a soldier is tough
for a civilian.
But you're not
a civilian.
I feel like a civilian.
Congratulations.
I assume that
you've worked in
a hospital before.
Yes.
Sir.
Go on, Corporal.
Go on where?
Tell me about
your experience.
What's to tell?
Let's see.
The camp I just came from...
I don't want to
knock the government,
you understand,
but the animals
in the Bronx Zoo
had it better.
They had me working in
the wards day and night
for 10 months steady.
I didn't like it.
You mustn't hide
your feelings.
That's what I figured.
Well, what kinds of wards
did you work in?
All kinds.
Give me a hint.
General, surgery,
infectial diseases,
that's where
I caught everything.
OB. That was for
the officers' wives.
The rate they're
getting pregnant,
they're not gonna need
a draft in 20 years.
Have you ever worked
in an N.P. ward?
A mental ward?
Psychiatric cases.
Nuts?
They are not nuts.
Gee, Doc,
you're not gonna put me
in a nut house.
It is not a nut house.
I'll drop dead.
Inside of one hour
I'll drop dead.
Sit down.
You better ask me
to lay down.
Already I'm a patient.
Now, listen.
Doctor.
(LAUGHS)
I don't know where
you guys get all these
cockeyed ideas.
The boys in my ward
are just depressed.
So am l.
Miserable.
They're miserable?
Look at me.
Sit down.
Doc!
Leibowitz, this is
a perfectly safe ward.
There is no danger involved.
Patients in my ward
are not allowed to have
matches or razors
or sharp objects
of any kind.
But teeth they got.
We've been here for
some time and we haven't
lost an orderly yet.
Don't spoil your record,
Captain.
I'll take my chances.
Now, do you have
any questions?
You don't have to
raise your hand.
I'm as surprised
as you that I still
have the strength.
Ask the question.
Captain, I appreciate you
trying to boost my morale,
but let us face facts.
It goes against my grain.
You are putting me
in a booby hatch.
Leibowitz, what the devil
is the matter with you?
You look like
an intelligent...
Don't be fooled
by my looks.
But you'll get
the best food
on the post...
Who's got an appetite?
You have my
deepest sympathy.
From a plumber
I expect sympathy.
From a psychiatrist
I expect understanding.
Corporal Leibowitz
has just volunteered
to work with us.
But Captain...
Would you like
Sergeant Kopp
to show you around now?
No.
No, what?
No, sir.
Good. Start with
the ward, Arkie.
But, Captain, I've...
Let's go, Leibowitz.
Glad to have you
with us.
(SHEEP BLEATlNG)
You think so, huh?
People always make
that mistake until
they get to know me.
Hey. Already
I'm hearing things.
What's that...
You're not hearing
anything yet.
We keep sheep
in the back yard
for tests for the lab.
How about a nice game
of gin tonight?
Who plans that far ahead?
LElBOWlTZ: I'm living
from minute to minute.
He'll make
a good orderly,
Blodgie.
He understands suffering.
You're leveling, Doc.
I'm all right now?
You're as normal
as fleas on a dog.
All that's left is
for you to realize it.
You better get
around to it.
I've got you marked
fit for duty.
You're going back
to your outfit.
I am? When?
I think I can steal you
a 10-day pass.
Ten days at home
with your family
and after that...
So, start packing.
I need your bed.
You've got it, sir.
And I got a 4:10 bus
to catch.
LElBOWlTZ: (SlNGlNG)
Old MacDonald had a farm,
E-I-E-I-O
And on that farm
he had some chicks
Your new orderly is
standing on a chair,
conducting
the Colfax Glee Club.
Next, he'll be
passing out lollipops.
MEN: (SlNGlNG)
Here a chick, there a chick
Everywhere a chick, chick
LElBOWlTZ: Come on, you guys.
Louder. Everybody.
Come on, you crazy bums.
Don't you want to get well?
Sing!
Old MacDonald had a farm,
E-I-E-I-O
Well, yes, we set up
a medical hearing
for Tuesday,
but Colonel Bliss
begged off.
And after all his yelling
to get out of here.
Did he say why?
No.
I offered to set up
another hearing
at his convenience.
He was to let me know,
and that was three days ago.
How is that for a puzzler?
It worries me.
Whatever was behind
that Officers' Club thing,
Colonel Bliss doesn't
think it was trivial.
(EXCLAlMS) Sorry, sir.
Oh, Colonel?
Yes.
I finally solved
the mystery of
the missing orderly.
Corporal Leibowitz
didn't vanish into
thin air.
He was somehow
maneuvered into
Ward 7
and he's been
working there
ever since.
Isn't that so,
Captain Newman?
Well, is it?
Well, l
couldn't call
an attractive girl
like that a liar.
Joe, you can't just
hijack a soldier
and put him in your ward
without telling anyone.
As far as the Army
is concerned,
Leibowitz has been AWOL
for two weeks.
You're absolutely
right, Colonel.
Excuse me for
just a moment.
BARNEY: Joe!
Well, I'll be shoving off.
Thanks for everything.
Pleasure having you, Barney.
Say hello to
the Pentagon.
(CHUCKLlNG)
We don't speak.
Well, so long.
So long.
Lieutenant Corum,
I'm truly very sorry.
I'll check my staff,
I'll find out who's
responsible for this.
Try sodium pentothal.
It's wonderful stuff
for getting at the truth.
If that is what
we're after, Captain.
Well, Leibowitz probably
just happened to drift in.
Guess we'll have to put
the whole thing down to
a foul-up in paperwork.
All right.
The truth is,
we needed him.
You needed him?
My ward and all the others
are shorthanded, too.
Well, I'll tell you what.
We'll make a deal.
The very next orderly
that checks in...
You'll let us have him.
Now what could be
fairer than that?
The next two.
A deal?
A deal.
I'm due back.
Oh, Corum, I wouldn't stew
about that Leibowitz thing.
You'll get the next
orderly that comes in,
if I have to deliver
him to you personally.
A pair of them are
due in the morning.
Mmm-mmm.
They're arriving at
Thanks.
You're welcome.
Call on me anytime.
Did you get
Haskell's lab report?
I sent Arkie for it.
You know,
this stuff is A, B, C.
I don't know why they make
such a big thing about it.
Leibowitz, since when does
a corporal send a sergeant
on an errand?
Don't answer that.
Since Leibowitz
came to Ward 7.
What do you mean,
A, B, C?
You went to
medical school for this?
Well, it helped
fill in some time.
I was small for my age.
You see, Captain,
it's simple,
if you're good with people.
You see, I was always
good with people.
Even in the fifth grade
the kids used to open up
to me.
"Jake, what should I do?
"l feel lousy,
I feel great, I feel funny,
I'm all mixed-up.
"Jake, what's
happening to me?"
You see, in my group,
I was the unofficial couch.
Captain, I could
write one of these.
Will you autograph me
a copy of the book when
you get around to it?
Sarcasm is for children.
From a psychiatrist
I expect honestness.
"Honesty," Jake,
not "honestness."
So flunk me in English.
Get Lieutenant Corum
in Ward 4 on the phone.
You want me to phone?
Yes, if you're not
required in surgery.
(SWING MUSIC PLAYING)
I hope you're thirsty.
Mmm-hmm.
Ordered it in advance.
Here, I'll do that.
Thank you very much.
Thanks.
Since when does
the Blue Grotto serve
imported champagne?
Since Leibowitz
came to Ward 7.
I don't know
where he got it,
and I've learned not
to ask any questions.
You want this now?
Oh, my goodness.
How beautiful!
There we are.
Thank you.
It's a little silly,
I suppose.
I read somewhere
that a girl never
forgot those flowers
once she'd been
to the lslands.
It's true.
How did you know
I was stationed
in Honolulu?
Well, I heard it
somewhere.
The Officers' Club,
I suppose.
I thought maybe you
pulled my 201 file.
That would be
an invasion of privacy.
It's a compliment,
in a way.
Anyway, it would have
said that I'm single,
my blood type is B.
NEWMAN: B.
And that I wear a size...
A size 10 dress.
Your blood type is A,
and you were
in the glee club
at Farragut High School,
you have an appendix scar
right about here,
maybe a little farther over,
and you did your
residency at Tulane.
You read my 201?
Mmm-hmm.
All of it?
Don't be silly.
You should know
no girl ever reads
past the space marked
"married" or "single."
Well, if we're both
peeping Toms, let's have
a drink to that.
Francie,
you're a good-looking woman.
Thank you.
It's important to have
a good-looking woman around.
Big morale factor.
It gives a man incentive.
Now, you take a man
cowering under a bed.
I beg your pardon?
Cowering under a bed.
You've seen Blodgett.
Who'd come out for her?
But one look
at your legs
and they'd come
shooting right up
through the mattress.
Any man in that ward.
I think I understand,
but I'm not sure.
And you're
thoroughly qualified.
Two years of
premed at Barnard,
a full course
at Saint Vincent's.
Year and a half at
Massachusetts General,
plus your service duties.
Is that the reason
you pulled my 201?
You're perfect for it.
For Ward 7.
You'd like me
to transfer?
And that's the reason
for the flowers
and the champagne.
Come on, let's dance.
No. Let's fight.
It's not gonna do
anybody any good if
you're gonna be cross...
Just what makes you
think I'd join that
big funny farm of yours?
You're all off in
a world of your own.
Joining your crowd is
like taking the veil.
Not for me, friend.
I don't regard that
as a "no" answer.
That is a reaction,
not a judgment.
Don't give me
any of your...
And as far as your
legs are concerned,
I have never seen
a better example...
Are you Captain Newman?
Yes.
There's a telephone call.
You can take it
right over here
at the bar.
Excuse me, fellows.
Newman here.
Boy, we got trouble.
Some colonel's gone berserk.
Who?
Bliss.
He got into the ward
with some cockamamie story,
then he turned the place
upside down looking for you.
He's got a knife
six inches long,
believe me.
What are you doing
on the phone?
Get him out of that ward.
We did. We got him
in the shower room.
Arkie and Gavoni are
holding the door shut.
Meanwhile, he's on
the other side
trying to bust out.
There are three of
you and one of him.
Get that knife
away from him.
Doc, that could
be dangerous.
I know it's dangerous,
but you've got to do it.
He might kill himself.
If I try to take that
knife away from him,
he'll kill me.
All right.
Hold him in the shower
till I get there. Right?
Jake! Jake!
Let me out of here!
Damn you.
(SHOUTlNG)
Doc said
take away the knife.
Who?
He didn't say.
All right, all right!
I'm elected. Let go.
Are you sure?
No, I'm not sure,
you dumbhead.
All right!
One, two, let go.
Pigs!
(GRUNTlNG)
(MEN GROANlNG)
Pharmacy key.
KOPP: Come on.
Everybody, get back.
Come on.
Back in your beds.
Come on.
Doc, look at this baby.
I better go in with you,
that Bliss is as strong
as an ox.
Bleeding to death,
I'm not.
You just wait here.
You... You filthy,
scheming meddler.
I'll kill you,
kill you, kill you...
You are not gonna
kill anyone,
do you hear me?
Where the devil do
you think you are?
In some jungle
free-for-all?
What do you mean,
coming in here
endangering my men?
Who asked you to
meddle in my life?
Who gave you
the right to probe
and to spy on me?
You did.
By your actions.
Take a good look
at yourself, Colonel,
and then tell me
I did the wrong thing.
Look at yourself.
Is this what
you would have
done overseas?
Damn your eyes.
God shrivel your heart
and consume your
monstrous brain.
You're vile.
Vile! Vile! Vile!
Vicious contempt.
Get hold of yourself.
Remember who you are.
You are Colonel
Norval Algate Bliss.
A command officer.
Remember that.
Colonel Norval Algate Bliss.
Now behave yourself.
Put your arms down, Colonel.
Put your arms down.
You swine. You...
You clever,
scheming swine.
Take it easy, Colonel.
You need lots of sleep.
Why do you fight me?
Here we go.
Let's get to bed.
Right now.
Into bed. Into bed.
Peppy.
All right. Show's over.
Everybody back to bed.
Okay, Doc.
That's all.
All right.
You better have Blodgett
take a look at that cut
and hit the sack.
I'm on duty, Doc.
Well, get Ruskin
to relieve you.
I'm relieved
enough already.
Come on, Stan.
I suppose you...
You had to shout
at him like that.
I wasn't shouting at him,
I was shouting
at his symptoms.
Good night, Doc.
Good night, Ralph.
Everything's fine.
Mama? Mama, please
get me out of here.
Hello, Dave.
Hello, Dave.
Mama, please.
Mama. Please, Mama.
Get me out of here.
Did you write to your
girlfriend today, Dave?
Please, Mama.
Get me out of here.
Mama, Mama, please.
Did you write to
your girlfriend today?
You said you would.
Did you write to her?
Yeah.
Yes, the same
old malarkey.
(LAUGHlNG)
Same old malarkey.
Well, why don't you
write to her again
tomorrow, huh?
NEWMAN: Give her a break.
DAVE: Okay.
Good night, Dave.
Good night, Doctor.
Good night.
GAVONl: This way, fellows.
Can you spare four beds
and a room, Lieutenant?
I think so.
Good. Here.
Come on. Straight ahead,
fellow. Everybody's your
friend here.
Just follow your buddy
in there. It's okay.
Straight ahead.
Come on, buddy.
Nothing to worry about.
Straight ahead.
Room C, Arkie.
All right.
Jordan is scheduled
for pentothal at 2:00.
Okay.
Do you want me to
give you the rest
of the scam
on that kid in Ward 3?
Leibowitz, it's not part
of an orderly's duties
to run around the hospital
drumming up new business.
From such business, who,
but the sick, can profit?
His name is Tompkins.
He's a corporal, like me.
Now, for five nights
in a row, he has
snuck out of his ward
and got himself plastered.
They seem to think
they've got an ordinary
lush on their hands,
but in my opinion,
he is a disturbed
personality.
Cocky, but tense.
But he doesn't fool me.
My diagnosis is
depression, agitated,
troublemaker.
Well, I hope you
didn't tell him that.
Maybe I'm fresh.
Stupid, no.
What I did tell him,
though, was to come over
and take a load off
his emotions and see you.
Boy, did I give you
a terrific recommendation.
Thanks. Young doctor
starting out needs
all the help he can get.
Say, I thought
I told you to shave.
I beg your pardon, Captain.
What you said was,
"Why didn't you
shave this morning?"
That's not an order.
That's a question.
To which you have
an answer which
I've already heard,
"lf God had intended
men should have
clean cheeks,
"would he have
invented hair?"
Shave.
I understand, Doc.
You are releasing
your hostilities on me.
Very good.
I want you to do it
because I don't want you
should develop an ulcer.
I don't want you
should develop a beard.
You'd better get into
the ward. Bliss has
started to move and talk.
When did it happen?
Must have been in
the last hour or so.
I pulled Blodgett's
morning report.
"Sixteenth day
of observation,
"patient still lethargic,
still refuses to speak."
We'll need 15 replacements
for operational aircraft.
Recent strikes at Rabal
suggest that a monthly quota
be set up for this unit.
Ground personnel is
adequate but borderline.
I granted no appointment
for this hour. Dismissed.
(CHUCKLES)
I'm dismissed before
I've even come in.
Oh, the caduceus.
You're a doctor.
I'm Captain Newman.
And from my dreary abode,
I conclude that
you're one of
the perceptive ones
who babble brightly.
You see, Doctor,
I'm thoroughly conversed
with your psychiatric jargon.
Please, do come in.
Come in.
Well, proceed.
This should be refreshing.
I'm bored, Doctor.
I am bored with
being beleaguered
by brainless,
benighted blockheads.
And I'm bored with B's.
I think I shall
concentrate on P's for
the rest of the afternoon.
How do you feel?
(CLlCKlNG TONGUE)
Standard opening.
You disappoint me.
Have you no imagination?
I'm holding it in reserve.
You've got enough
for both of us, Colonel.
Colonel? Colonel?
My name is Future,
not Colonel.
I see.
What a pity
Mr. Past is not here.
He'd be
amused by you.
Mr. Past. Who's he?
He's a friend.
A very close,
very special friend.
I gave my word, sir,
as an officer
and a gentleman,
never to reveal
his whereabouts.
Lips sealed.
Ergo, in your hospital,
you have me, Mr. Future,
about whom
you know nothing,
while in your files
rests a dossier
on Mr. Past,
who is nowhere to be found.
One patient with
no case history,
one case history
with no patient.
(LAUGHlNG)
What a paradox?
No. What a triumph.
Well,
I can see that
we're just wasting time.
Oh, no, now please,
don't go.
I'm enjoying your visit.
Well, I don't doubt it,
but, you see, I didn't
come here
for the purpose
of providing
a patronizing patient
with a plethora of
private pleasure.
Bravo, bravo, seven P's.
Is Mr. Future mad, sir?
I repeat.
Is Mr. Future mad?
Or is he not mad?
Mr. Future is
an invention.
Bless my soul.
Oh, penetrating prophet
of the psyche.
Is he incurable?
I can't tell yet.
You see, most people
talk to reveal.
You talk to conceal.
But to a good psychiatrist,
isn't the act of concealment
very revealing in itself?
Mr. Future,
you're too intelligent a man
to spend the rest
of your days in
a mental hospital.
Is that likely?
That's what usually
happens when people
split themselves in two.
Daylight recon
flights will continue.
Lieutenants Bergman,
Brady, Oswald,
Reinhardt will
patrol Sector A.
Sector B,
Lieutenants Grace,
Newhouse,
Captains Moore and Leary.
Oh, Jackson.
Can you get a hold of
one of those radio techs
and have him wire
this room for playback?
I want to know everything
that Bliss says.
Okay.
Oh, and tell him yourself.
The light seemed
to bother him.
He's more comfortable
this way.
Paul
Cabot
Winston.
Tired.
Captain Winston.
Paul? Paul.
It's happened before.
Once at the evac hospital,
he went to sleep
for three days.
His case file is on your desk,
but it doesn't give you
much to go on.
His plane crash-landed
in France.
Missing in action 13 months.
Liberating forces
found him in a cellar.
He identified himself
and blacked out.
The evac N.P. tried shock,
then pentothal.
Negative. He can't
or won't respond.
Anything from
French locals?
Nothing in the report.
He was 13 months
in a cellar.
That's all there is.
Oh, Francie,
Leibowitz thinks
we have another customer.
Check on a boy
named Tompkins, Ward 3.
Mmm-hmm.
Which one is he?
Just take a look
and guess.
He's all yours,
if you want him.
Bed eight.
Thanks, Katie.
Hello, there.
Hi, fellas.
Pick a card.
(MEN WHlSTLlNG)
Darling.
Hi.
Darling. Darling.
FRANClE: Evening, Corporal.
I'm Lieutenant Corum.
Well, how are you,
beautiful?
Are you gonna
take care of me?
No. I'm in Ward 7.
Hurray for you.
How are you
coming along here?
I've been in worse places.
Well, is there
anything you need?
Yeah.
Some cheaper booze
and some juicier broads.
In that order?
Okay, so you don't
shock easy in Ward 7.
Big deal.
First it was that
Corporal Leibowitz.
Now it's you.
Maybe you're prettier
than he is, ma'am,
but I'm gonna give it to
you like I gave it to him.
You tell Captain Newman
I said to shove it.
Ain't nobody gonna
slap no needle in me.
It's getting
a little crowded in here.
I think I'm gonna go
for a walk.
BLISS: To include
Captains Trabert,
Adler, McDonnell,
Lieutenants Jacobs
and Hassmiller.
(KNOCKlNG ON DOOR)
Tompkins' file.
And a message for you,
"Shove it."
Sounds rude.
I can't read him.
I don't know
if there's anything
wrong with him
or if he's trying to
live up to his reputation
as a stinker.
Severe
gastrointestinal pains.
Insomnia.
He's 20 years old?
Mmm-hmm.
Something wrong
with him, all right.
In that case,
you'd better drop by
and see him.
I'm sure
he won't come here.
I can't help him
unless he comes to me.
If I go to him,
I'm the weaker.
Lost him
before I start.
It's his move.
Now help me with
these names, will you?
Joe, you don't intend
to write to everybody
Bliss mentions?
Now I've written to
the Senior Air Surgeon
in New Guinea,
and asked him to talk
to all the people who
were close to Bliss.
The key to his split is
somewhere in his past.
So, if I can't get it
from him, I have to go
elsewhere.
Now, is this third name
McDonnell or MacDonald?
BLISS: To include
Captains Trabert,
Adler, McDonnell,
Lieutenants Jacobs
and Hassmiller.
(ALL CHATTERlNG)
Leibowitz.
Later!
It's Gavoni.
Gavoni?
He's outside!
He must've found out.
(SHUSHlNG)
Now, wait a minute, fellas.
We've got a small
crisis on our hands.
Now, let's deal with it.
Everybody go back to
their places. Go ahead.
When I find my salami,
I'm gonna make...
Go.
Up the sleeve.
Good boy.
Leibowitz!
LElBOWlTZ: Hi, Gavoni.
Don't "Hi, Gavoni" me.
Somebody stole my salami.
Are you accusing
one of my patients
of being a crook?
I ain't accusing them.
These men are
in the service
of their country.
I know who took it.
One of these men
may turn out to be
another Eisenhower.
Leibowitz, I want that
salami and I ain't kidding.
Now, will you take it easy?
Now, to begin with,
are you sure
you had a salami?
Gavoni had a salami!
My sister sent it to me!
She sends me one
every week without fail.
Well, in that case,
why don't you check
with the post office?
Have them put
a tracer on it.
I don't need no tracer.
That salami's right
here in this room.
And what's more,
it was stolen.
(CLEARS THROAT)
It was stolen, huh?
Yeah.
Okay. Well, in that case,
we're gonna help you
find your man.
Now let's start
at the very top.
Do you think
Colonel Pyser
stole your salami?
You know who stole it.
You did.
Now, just a minute.
Don't try to back out.
You already
accused these men.
Who blamed
anybody in this...
Don't try to
weasel out of this.
Did I blame anybody
in this room? Did l?
The damage is done.
You've already thrown
the whole ward into
a trauma. Right, men?
(ALL SHOUTlNG)
All right, all right!
I've heard it
a thousand times.
Gavoni, that's
very bad psychology.
You've given everybody
a guilt complex.
The least you could do
is apologize.
Now apologize.
Come on.
All right. I'm sorry.
Words, words.
Nothing but words.
Sorry.
Gavoni, if you're
really sorry, show it.
How?
Share your salami
with these men.
How can I share
a salami I don't have?
Gavoni, Gavoni.
That's beside the point.
Let's get to the meat
of the question.
Would you share it?
Yeah.
Good!
Okay, men,
you heard Gavoni.
He's gonna share
the salami.
So let's give him
a hand and find it.
Arkie, no one leaves
this ward till we find
that salami.
Men, let's look!
Under the beds,
in the pillowcases,
check your pockets.
Remember Lost Weekend?
Check the fixtures.
Come on, let's go!
Everybody, look!
Look under the beds.
Look in the pillowcases.
Let's find it!
I found it!
That's it.
Now just a minute, Gavoni.
Just a minute.
Gavoni, are you sure
this is your salami?
It's a Genoese.
(ALL LAUGHlNG)
It's your salami.
See. All that fuss,
all that screaming?
No one stole
your salami, Gavoni.
You lost it.
Butterfingers.
How could I lose
a salami in somebody's
bathrobe?
Gavoni, may I remind you
of a cardinal rule in
the field of psychiatry?
In the words of
Sigmund Freud,
"Show me a man that
can lose his temper
"and I'll show you a man
that can lose his salami."
(ALL CHEERlNG)
Gavoni, come here.
Start cutting.
Do you mind?
Oh, by the way, Gavoni.
Yeah?
I promised Bobby
the first slice.
GAVONl: Roger.
MAN: The one in
the middle's mine.
And give my best
to your sister.
They're all yours,
Captain.
Thank you, Doctor.
Oh, excuse me.
This came this morning.
I think it's for you.
"Big shot, cuckoo squad."
That's me, all right.
It's from Tompkins.
He wants me to
meet him tonight
in the rec hall.
In my opinion,
Tompkins...
I leave it entirely
in your hands.
I have every confidence.
Excuse me.
At 1 1:00.
Hey, douse the light,
will you, Doc?
It's all right.
Come on in.
They gig me
if they find me.
I'll take care of that.
Okay.
You know something, Doc?
A man should
never drink alone.
It turns him
into an alcoholic.
Have a shot.
All right.
Oh, no,
I brung you a cup.
You're an officer
and a gentleman.
No gentleman should ever
drink from a bottle.
But you better drink it fast
before it rots the paper.
Tompkins,
this stuff won't turn
you into an alcoholic.
It'll turn you
into a corpse.
Not me, Doc.
Why, me and Big Jim,
we used to knock off
a couple of these
pints every night.
Turn the light out, Doc.
Just turn it out!
You know something?
Big Jim was the only buddy
I ever had.
Only guy ever treated
Little Jim real good.
Yeah. And you know
what I done?
(SOBBlNG)
Don't let me...
Don't let me
talk no more, Doc.
If I talk,
I'll blow my top.
I'll just smash the lamps
and throw the chairs around.
I'm gonna pump my fists
right through
the glass in the window.
Sure, sure.
You throw the chairs around,
you put your fists through
all the glass,
and it won't do you
a bit of good. Not one bit
and you know it.
Now, why don't you
get it off your chest
once and for all?
Come on. What happened?
I'm in a sweat, Doc.
I don't want
to talk about it.
Oh, God, I don't...
I don't even want
to think about it.
I'll bet you are
thinking about it
all the time.
Day and night,
week after week.
You play the guitar
to use up your thoughts.
You fight off sleep
so you won't dream.
You get swacked to
run away from memory.
That's a stupid
way to live.
That's a damned
stupid way to live.
Doc, you gimme
the flak juice.
I'm asking for it.
Give it to me now.
Right now.
Okay. You lay off the booze
for a couple of days.
Not a drop,
you understand?
I'll tell them
to stop medication.
And more pills
to help you sleep.
Then we'll give you
the flak.
You mean you ain't gonna
give it to me now?
I mean, when I'm
asking for it?
Nope. It'll hold.
Well, if you ain't
gonna give it to me now,
well, you can forget it.
In fact, you can shove it.
Boy, they sure picked
the right guy to boss
the loony squad, didn't they?
Yeah.
All right, Jim,
you can roll up
your sleeve now.
I'll do that.
Boy, that's a hot one.
Two officers
putting me to bed.
Say, is it all right if
I take off my shoes, Doc?
Sure.
I kind of sleep
better without them.
That's all I'm gonna do,
isn't it, Doc? Just sleep?
That's right.
Hey, that's enough, Doc.
I don't want to
wake up an old man.
All right, Jim.
Here we go.
Now, this'll
make you drowsy.
When I tell you
to start counting,
start counting,
but backward from 100.
Have you got that?
Backwards from 100.
It's hot.
Feels hot, Doc.
It sure is getting hot, Doc.
Five.
Four. 97.
NEWMAN:
That's all right, now.
Let that old
prop wash hit you.
Yeah, that's better.
I'm getting wind off
number two inboard.
All right, Jim.
Come on now, Jim.
You're gonna take us
for a ride.
Come on, boy.
Tuesday, November 17, 18:05.
Come on, now.
Let's go, let's go.
Come on.
Can't keep a war waiting.
That's a sweat job.
Nothing to it.
Ride on over there
and drop a few
of them little old
firecrackers on them.
Cream 'em, boy.
Okay, Big Jim.
Here goes.
Me and Buck in the waist,
Big Jim up front
with Lieutenant Bates.
Up, come on, get up.
Come on!
Get this two-bit coffin
off the ground, Big Jim!
Come on, get it up.
Hey, we're up now!
(EXHALES)
Waist to pilot.
Waist to pilot.
You mind if I take me
a couple of practice blasts?
Roger.
Waist working okay. Over.
Hey, Buck.
You and me gotta get us
a couple of broads
when we get back.
Yeah, with builds on
'em that won't quit.
I mean real
balloon smugglers.
And they gotta
swing this time.
Not like that last time.
All them two wanted
to do was drink.
I don't sure like
what the war is
doing to dames.
They just want
to drink, that's all.
Hey, what's that, Buck?
Down there at 4 o'clock.
Coming at us now at 3.
No, at 2 o'clock.
It's a ME 109.
I got him.
Yeah, I got him.
Hey, he's going down, Buck!
Go ahead, now. Fry!
Fry! Burn, you Nazi! Fry!
Holy Jesus.
There's three more of 'em.
Hey, we're hit. Hey!
Oh, dear Jesus.
The oil! The oil!
(SCREAMlNG)
Buck! Hey, Buck!
We're going down!
Oh, God! Oh, God.
My dear Jesus.
Dear Jesus, save me.
Save me.
Oh, God,
don't let us crash, please!
I'll be good!
I'll be good!
I promise I'll be good.
Big Jim, Big Jim,
bring it up.
We're gonna crash!
We're gonna crash!
Take it up, you crud!
Take it up!
Get this up, dear God!
Don't let it crash!
(SCREAMlNG)
Come on, Jim.
Come on. You're down.
It crashed.
You're in that plane.
Gotta get out here.
I gotta get out.
The escape hatch.
We gotta get out of here.
Yeah, the escape hatch.
Hey, Buck!
Come on! Buck?
Oh, no, no, no.
He got... Oh, God!
He got no head!
Oh, God! God!
Oh, God, put back his head,
please!
God! Somebody?
God, please!
Please put back his head.
He don't look right.
Oh, fire. Fire.
Oh, I gotta get out of here.
I gotta get out of here.
I'm out. Oh, God,
I'm out. Thank God.
Thank God. I'm out.
Who's yelling?
Who's yelling?
Big Jim? Big Jim?
Little Jim.
Little Jim, help me!
Little Jim, save me.
Oh, I gotta go back.
Gotta go back.
Go back and get him!
Go back and get him,
you yellow-belly.
No, run, run, run, run!
Yeah, run! Look out!
Look out.
Run, run, run.
Run! Run! Run!
Run! Run! Run!
Run! Run! Run!
Run! Run! Run!
(WAlLlNG)
Hey, Doc,
I must've dozed off.
I sure feel good.
That's the best
I've slept in months.
Hey, Lieutenant.
What do you know?
You been here all night?
Hey, Doc, did I gab
a lot in my sleep?
Uh-huh.
What did I say?
Oh, you guys all think
you're the worst.
I'm not handing out
any prizes around here.
If I were,
you wouldn't have
a chance.
I was expecting stuff
that'd blow me right off
of that chair.
You're not even
in the running.
I've got guys in this ward
that make you look like
Little Orphan Annie.
I thought that...
Yeah, I know. I know.
But it'll hold.
I'll see you Monday,
same time, my office.
Come on, now.
Get your tail off of there.
Get some hot coffee
from Leibowitz.
Run around the track,
play volleyball.
I got work to do.
So that was
flak juice, huh?
Uh-huh.
Big deal.
Best shot I ever did get
from old Uncle Sam.
Beats booze.
NEWMAN: When they wake up,
they feel great.
And then your
problems begin.
Hell, I'm a doctor.
That's all.
They ask too much of me.
No. No, they don't.
Not when you think of
what we ask of them.
And they have to go up,
hang in the air,
and get shot at.
You don't get shot down
in a psychiatric ward.
Nobody ever crashed
behind a desk.
But the boy on the cot.
Should we send him back?
Should we make him well
and strong again?
We protect the sick.
We feed them,
and we love them
and we keep them safe.
Our job is to
make them well.
Well enough to go out
and be killed.
My God,
what an awful shame.
Kind of you
to drive me home.
All right.
I... I thank you.
I thank you.
Thank you for
a lovely evening.
FRANClE: Oh, Joe.
Joe, we'll be court-martialed.
Oh, don't be ridiculous.
There's a shortage
of doctors and nurses.
It's true.
Aren't you the fellow
who just fell off a jeep?
Yep. Remarkable,
isn't it?
Oh, you've got
a beautiful neck.
Good try, old man.
Tomorrow, around 2:00.
Excuse me, Captain.
I have Corporal Tompkins
in your office.
He's waiting for you.
Well, how's it gonna
look if you're late?
It's gonna look as if
you're not interested.
Like you don't care.
That can give a patient
a feeling of insecurity.
Yes, Leibowitz.
Thank you.
Thank you.
That Captain Winston,
I never saw a patient
look so sad.
You mustn't confuse sadness
with depression, Professor.
Is there a difference?
Looks, Leibowitz,
can be deceiving.
Can a man look sad
and still be happy?
Yes.
Example?
You.
Hi, Doc. I feel sharp
as a tack today.
You talk.
I'll just listen.
I got nothing more
to say. Nothing.
Take your feet
off my desk, soldier.
You heard me.
And sit up straight
in that chair.
Take that cheap cigar
out of your mouth.
Go on. Put it out.
Now don't ever pull
that act again on me,
Tompkins.
When you're in this room,
you'll show some respect
for me and for yourself.
I'm not gonna let you
cheapen any man
who did 34 missions
and who wears all those
decorations on his chest.
You understand?
All right. Clam up.
I'm gonna help you
even if you fight me
every inch of the way.
I can be just as rough on you
as you are on yourself.
So every day for
the next couple of weeks,
we're gonna take off
the gloves
and give little Jim Tompkins
a real shellacking.
I ran out on him,
that's what I done.
I ran out on him
just like a punk chicken.
Oh, you were scared
when the plane crashed!
Who wouldn't be?
You panicked.
You ran for your life
just like any guy would.
But not Little Jim.
He's not allowed
to be human, is he?
I should have gone back.
Holy mother of God.
That was Big Jim
in there
and I just should have
gone back and pulled him out.
What makes you
so sure that you could've
pulled him out?
The plane would
still have exploded.
And you'd have been
blown up into those pieces
that nobody ever found.
Just like Big Jim.
You could've avoided
the whole mess
we're in right now
by the simple process
of getting yourself
blown up.
Stop it. Stop it!
You feel the need
to suffer. Go ahead.
But let's be fair
about the thing, man.
Let's work out
a reasonable
amount of misery
to pay off the guilt.
Now, I have an idea,
Jim, and it's a beaut.
Why don't you
chop off a foot?
Well, you heard me.
Get yourself an ax
and go out here somewhere
and have an accident
and come back
without a foot.
Doc, you're talking crazy.
Why, is a foot too much?
How about some toes?
Or some fingers?
How about just one
lousy little finger?
You're nuts.
That wouldn't bring
Big Jim back.
Neither will what
you've been doing
to yourself.
Look at me, Doc.
Me crying just
like a little kid.
You're just crying
for Big Jim.
And you ought to.
You loved him
and he's dead.
Now you can let
yourself feel, Jim.
Have you got
a minute, Joe?
Yeah, sure.
Oh, Francie, will you
promote some coffee
for Little Jim?
The answer to that
New Guinea letter.
Can we schedule
a board hearing?
Whenever you say.
As soon as possible.
Colonel Bliss,
will you please state
your name, rank
and serial number?
Colonel, would you identify
yourself for us, please?
Mr. Future,
would you, please?
Delighted.
Alonzo Archimedes Future.
United States Army,
World Victory Two.
Expert in tactics,
tautology, logistics
and semantics.
Colonel, we'd like you
to understand
the nature of this
hearing and its purpose.
I am not interested.
It's Mr. Past you seek,
of course.
He spurns your invitation
and he damns your inquisition!
But enough of this
prattle of idiots.
I put an end to this
tristimanic farce.
Dismissed.
Proceed, Larrabee.
"lt is recommended that
subject officer be granted
a medical discharge,
"to be committed to
a veterans' hospital
for prolonged treatment
"under full custodial care."
I've asked that he be sent
to a hospital near where he
was born and went to school.
Records, plus additional
information from New Guinea,
will be transmitted.
What information?
Pertinent data from
the Senior Air Surgeon.
It gives us a key.
Based on this, a slow,
careful pattern of treatment
is indicated.
The removal...
Captain! It's Colonel Bliss!
I don't know! He pushed me.
He whacked Arkie and made
a break.
This way.
Colonel!
No, Colonel! Don't!
Arkie, get down.
Mr. Future.
I want to talk to you.
Mr. Future?
Wait. Wait, Mr. Future.
Don't. Let's talk. Wait.
Please.
Please.
Please.
I'd like to ask you
a question, Newman.
Would this have happened
if you hadn't bumped into him
in the Officers' Club
that night?
Would he be
leaving like this?
I'll be very interested
to see how you wrap up
your report on this.
Colonel Bliss,
not Mr. Future,
but Colonel Bliss,
did what
he most wanted to do.
He...
He got rid of his guilt.
He joined his men.
That list of names
that we sent to New Guinea,
they were all men
he'd ordered into combat.
All dead.
Now you tell me
if I could have
saved him.
Did l...
Did I play it too safe?
Did I gamble too much?
Could I have spotted
the moment he'd turn
back to the past?
Could I have pulled
one more thing
from his brain?
Was there a way?
I wish to hell I knew.
This is a pretty
thin turnout, Larrabee.
The Air Surgeon GeneraI'll be
coming in on that airplane.
Where are the rest
of your people?
Still making
the morning rounds, sir.
They'll get here
as soon as they can.
I don't want them
straggling in here
one by one.
This is supposed
to be an inspection.
Let's at least
give a hint that
we're in the Air Corps.
Sir, the
Under Secretary's plane is
in the traffic pattern.
It's coming in
to land now.
Good.
(SHEEP BLEATlNG)
What the devil is that?
Do not, repeat not,
attempt landing
at this time. Over.
I'll circle your field.
What's cooking? Over.
Sheep. Over.
Sheep? Over.
Roger.
Sheep on the runways.
Sheep?
Sheep?
Yes, sir. Sheep.
Sheep? My sheep?
Well, who the devil
else has got sheep
around here, sir?
All week long we've been
cleaning up for inspection.
So how do you
clean sheep?
I tell Gavoni to
take the sheep,
put them on the other side
of the field to graze.
With no fence?
Sheep drift!
Don't you know
anything about sheep?
In Jersey City,
I should learn
to be a shepherd?
Don't scare 'em!
They'll stampede.
They'll stampede!
(SOLDlERS LAUGHlNG)
Don't worry, Doc.
Now would you
behave yourself?
This is no time
to be neurotic.
One more passenger for you.
All you men
with the vehicles.
Surround them.
Surround them.
Now, this is an order.
You're the leader.
You lead and they'll follow.
Do you understand?
(BLEATS)
Very good.
Okay, Captain.
All right, boys.
Now move them out slowly.
Now lead.
Hiya, Barney.
Hello, Joe.
I thought you didn't
speak to the Pentagon.
Oh, well, I still
stutter a little.
Look, I've got to rush.
I just wanted you to know
that General Snowden is
coming by to see you later.
About a patient of yours,
a Captain Paul Cabot Winston.
He's VlP, Joe.
Very VlP.
Now I've got to rush.
See you later.
The key is what
happened to him
in that cellar.
Yes, sir, but I can't
get through to it.
If I question him,
he falls asleep.
Sodium pentothal
negative so far.
Well, it looks
like it's going to be
a long haul for him.
Yes, sir.
He's on the transfer list
for extended hospitalization.
But at least
he'll be close to
his home and family.
It might help.
Newman, Winston's
staying on here.
May I have the General's
permission to ask why?
The father flew down from
Washington when they first
brought Winston back.
He decided that
it would be best
if no other member
of the family see Paul
in his present condition.
Including his wife?
Including his wife.
Well, it's too bad
we don't have a place
in Outer Mongolia.
You're missing
the point, Newman.
The Winstons would
feel the same about the
Congressional Medal of Honor.
They'd want it to be
a private matter.
Sir, we're scheduled to
take off in 10 minutes.
Be right with you, Barney.
Newman, what are your
plans after the war?
Well...
As of January 1, Colfax
is going to be deactivated
as a training base.
It becomes a permanent
mental hospital.
I'd like you to stay on
and run it.
You're dedicated,
highly qualified.
Well, no offense, sir.
I...
Oh, I like to
think of myself as
a qualified civilian.
Well, you don't have to
make up your mind now.
You can send word
to me in Washington.
We'll leave it open
till I hear from you.
Please consider
the matter carefully.
Yes, sir.
Roger!
Hurry it up there!
On the double!
Move it!
(CAR HORN HONKlNG)
We came to say
goodbye to you.
I sure appreciate
that, Lieutenant.
And I want to thank you
for all the nice things
you done.
I didn't do anything.
Well, yes, you did.
You come up
and talk with me
when I was alone
and I just wasn't
alone no more.
And, Captain?
No. You did it, Jim.
We just showed you
the way.
Well, I don't believe
I would have found it
myself.
In my humble opinion,
you were in the hands
of quacks in Ward 3.
You came to us
and we knew what to do.
Now, you got everything?
Uh-huh!
Toothbrush?
Yeah.
Candy bar, soap and nylon.
Jake, you're a wonder!
Remind me to recommend you
for procurement officer.
I accept.
You better
get moving, Jim.
Yeah. Jake, so long.
Goodbye.
Lieutenant.
Goodbye, Jim.
Thank you, Captain.
Thank you.
Oh, Jackson,
you take the jeep back.
Think I could use a walk.
Poor Jake.
You've got him worried.
The word is you've been
asked to stay on.
That'll just ruin
Operation Penthouse.
Operation Penthouse?
His post-war plan.
A huge psychiatric
cartel to be known
as Newman & Leibowitz.
He'll be glad to
fill you in on details.
Now, don't tell me.
He'll be
the business-getter.
A neurosis tout.
He's already got you
located in San Francisco,
with a branch office
in Beverly Hills.
Well, that's nice.
Well, I don't know
what I'm gonna do.
What about you, Francie?
They'll want you
to sign up again.
I'll have to be
fair about it.
I'll flip a coin.
If it stays in the air,
I'll sign on again.
I'm serious.
So am l.
When this is over,
I want to get out
and have some babies.
I suppose you might be
pretty good at that, too.
If not, it's the kind
of thing I could learn.
Do you think it's
wrong of me, Joe?
To want to close
out my 201 file
when this is over?
KOPP: Hey, Captain.
What is it, Arkie?
Blodgett asked me
to find you.
You're wanted
in your office.
She's probably
looking for me, too.
It's 10 minutes
into my shift.
Mrs. Winston is here.
Oh, Francie,
perhaps you'd better bring
Captain Winston into Room A.
Good evening.
I'm Helene Winston.
I'm Captain Newman.
But we weren't
expecting you till
tomorrow morning.
You called.
You said to come.
There's no virtue
in delay, is there?
Well, no.
I suppose not.
You found
a nice place to stay?
A tourist court.
Clean, from what
I could see.
May I see my husband now,
Captain Newman?
Mrs. Winston, before
you see your husband,
I feel that I should
mention that you'll
find him strange,
Iistless, remote.
He may not even answer
simple questions.
I'm afraid you just
don't understand him,
Captain Newman.
Paul was always given
to reticence.
This is only temporary,
I'm sure.
He's basically
sound and well.
Don't you agree?
In his mind, I mean.
His faculties.
Mrs. Winston,
this is a psychiatric ward.
Oh, I know, Captain.
I'm aware of that.
I'm sure many men's
emotional reverses
require this kind of
medical attention,
but my husband,
no.
We are not people
who pamper themselves,
Captain Newman.
We're proud that
we can draw
on our inner will.
Mrs. Winston...
I should like to see
my husband now.
Oh, Mrs. Winston,
Lieutenant Corum.
Good evening.
The ward itself is
beyond that door
but we thought
you'd prefer to see
your husband in here.
It's Helene, dear.
Aren't you going to
ask me to sit down?
You sent for her?
But didn't
General Snowden...
I sent for her
because he wasn't responding
to anything else.
I had reason to believe
he'd respond to her.
But how could he?
She strolls in
and asks for a seat.
She hasn't seen
that man in two years.
It's her husband.
It's her lover,
if we may speculate.
Well, it's strange for her.
What did you
expect her to do?
To behave like a wife.
Instead, she acts
like a referee
at a chess match.
He says he's tired.
Very tired.
I really shouldn't have
come this late.
I'll take him
back to his room.
He'll feel better in
the morning. Good night.
Can I give you a lift?
Thank you.
I've rented a car.
Hup! Hup!
Hup, two, three, four!
Hup! Hup!
Hup, two, three, four!
Hup! Hup!
Hup, two, three, four!
Hup! Hup!
Hup, two, three, four!
Hup! Hup!
Hup, two, three, four!
Hup! Hup!
Hup, two, three, four!
Hup! Hup!
Hup, two, three, four!
Detail, halt!
Package of goodies
for you, Newman.
Compliments of the C.O.
Sign here, please.
Sign for what?
Fourteen ltalian
prisoners of war.
And what the devil
are 14 ltalian POWs
doing in the middle
of the Arizona desert?
Well, you see, according
to the Geneva Convention,
prisoners should be
sent to a climate
similar to the one
in which they were
captured.
We picked up 300
of those jokers
in the Libyan Desert,
and those 14 out there
need hospitalization.
Are they mental cases?
No.
Leibowitz, get me
Colonel Pyser on the phone!
Ask and you shall receive.
He's on the phone,
calling you.
Captain Newman speaking.
Now what...
Yes, they're here.
Just one question.
Isn't it a violation
of the Geneva Convention
to put prisoners of war
in a psychiatric ward?
I'm sure it is.
But you have the only ward
where they can be kept
under lock and key.
Does that make
any sense to you?
Some, sir.
Good.
Oh, and by the way, Newman,
the United States is at war
with ltaly,
so they're enemy,
not houseguests.
And don't go probing
around looking for
any symptoms.
If they hate their fathers,
that's all right with us.
They're enemy. Period.
Leibowitz.
LElBOWlTZ: Yeah, Doc.
Take this bunch
into the ward.
Have Blodgett check them in
after they've been showered.
Sure, Doc.
(LElBOWlTZ SPEAKlNG lTALlAN)
(SPEAKlNG lTALlAN)
(SPEAKlNG lTALlAN)
You see,
in the neighborhood
I came from,
you had to know at least
six different languages
in order to do business.
(SPEAKlNG lTALlAN)
(SPEAKlNG lTALlAN)
NEWMAN: Mrs. Winston,
I'd counted on you for a...
A breakthrough,
some emotional reaction.
And as long as
you've been here,
nothing has happened.
Nothing from him
and nothing from you.
I'm a patient woman, Captain.
Maybe too patient.
I beg your pardon?
Mrs. Winston,
I hope that you're
going to understand,
and I don't want
to embarrass you,
but if your answers
will help me to understand,
if they'll help Paul,
then, of course,
that's the most
important thing.
Of course.
What is it that
you want to know?
The room where you
two meet has a chair,
and it has a cot, a bed,
and it also has a lock.
Mrs. Winston,
have you ever
locked that door?
I was not aware,
Captain, that you
were one of those
who reads sex
into everything.
Well, you're his wife.
He's a man.
Not just now, is he?
Well, that's
the whole point!
What have you done
to change that?
This is most embarrassing!
There is no point in
continuing this conversation!
Oh, I think that there is,
if you love him,
if you really love him,
if you really want
to help him.
There is nothing
in the world
that I want more!
Then act like a woman to him
and not a choir companion.
Buy some perfume.
Get a nice new dress.
Something feminine,
something flattering.
You mean erotic,
don't you?
Why not?
I am hardly the kind of woman
who can be expected to act
like a prostitute!
Good night, Captain!
A verbal and then
a teletype from
Area Command.
You're not to contact her,
and you're to stay
away from Winston.
Joe, you can't treat
a woman like that.
It makes
the hospital look bad.
It makes the service
look bad.
Aren't you all
missing the point?
No one is worrying
about the patient.
He's not a poor,
sick, groping boy.
He's Paragraph Two
in some damned fool
teletype report.
It's only until
we get this thing
straightened out.
What do we do
in the meantime?
Feed him some aspirin?
LElBOWlTZ:
That's what I said.
I'll be the one in charge.
Both fine, Doctor.
Good.
You know, it's gonna
be a very nice tree.
(SPEAKlNG lTALlAN)
Popcorn. Popcorn.
Leibowitz!
He is busy
with the tree.
He is also wanted
by Captain Newman.
He is coming.
Leibowitz, I gave you
three bucks,
and you also got a dollar
from every other orderly
and from every patient
so that Ward 7
could have a tree
to match the big one
that Colonel Pyser
put in the rec hall.
Correct.
Is that the best tree
you could buy
with all that money?
Who said I bought it?
Well, where did you get it?
From another tree.
From another...
What... What tree?
When? Where?
Leibowitz,
is there some connection
between this tree
and Colonel Pyser's
tree in the rec hall?
You better sit down.
I stay mad better
standing up!
You look like
Captain Bligh.
Quit the stalling!
Now, just tell me
the whole story.
The tree in the rec hall
was a good 20 feet high.
A guy lying on his back
couldn't even see the top.
It's really not a very
interesting story, I mean...
Oh, I find it
a fascinating story.
How did you do it?
I got a ladder and a saw.
I climbed up
the ladder and...
Saw? What kind...
What kind of a saw?
How many types
of saws are there?
I mean, a saw for sawing...
Where...
Where did you get it?
The ladder or the saw?
The saw.
The saw.
I got it out of surgery.
You stole
a surgical saw?
Well, l...
Only borrowed.
It's already been returned.
It's a little bent.
Oh, that's nice.
Nothing better for
a surgeon, of course,
than a bent saw.
For crooked patients.
He can saw his way
around corners!
Are you so blasted stupid
that you think that
Colonel Pyser won't see
that his tree had
its top chopped off?
But, Captain,
if I've done anything,
I've improved the appearance
of the colonel's tree!
How did you get it
out of the rec hall?
Oh, it was terrific!
I took it out
the back window,
through the sheep pen,
up the back stairs.
No one got a peep
at what I was doing.
No? Not one of
the 5,000 blind men
on this installation
saw you carrying
around a five-foot tree?
We didn't carry it.
What did you do?
I put it in an ambulance.
An ambulance?
Mmm-hmm.
Who was the driver?
Cooshy.
Cooshy?
Cooshy Flinn?
He's a wonderful driver.
Cooshy Flinn is
a patient!
But that's the reason
I chose him.
I could always claim
he was off his head when
he stole the ambulance.
Then Gavoni told me
that we would...
Gavoni?
Yes, Gavoni.
He was in charge
of the stretcher.
The what?
The stretcher.
We put the tree
on the stretcher.
You would never
think it was a tree.
Why not?
Did you dress it
in a uniform?
Oh, no, no.
We covered it
with a blanket.
You would be the first one
to swear it looked exactly
like a corpse.
You may go.
Thank you.
No, wait.
Excuse me for asking
so hostile a question,
but since you didn't
spend one red cent
on that noble tree
which you wrapped
in a blanket and conveyed
in an ambulance,
what did you do
with all the money?
The money I saved
by not buying
a crummy tree
went for presents
for my patients.
(KNOCKlNG ON DOOR)
Here you are, Doc.
Thanks, Arkie.
(THUDDlNG)
It's Winston.
Who's with him?
Stop him! Stop him!
For God's sake,
stop him, please!
I revolted him!
I revolted him!
Have a smoke, Paul.
Go on, take it.
Now, you've raised
quite a rumpus in here.
Now, suppose you tell me
what it is that you were
trying to prove.
What?
Want her to go away.
Why, Paul? Why?
Go back to room now.
Hide.
No.
You've turned
that room of yours
into another cellar.
You're out of
the cellar now.
What cellar?
No! No!
What happened in
the cellar, Paul?
Don't remember.
You do.
You will.
Thirsty!
Later.
What happened
in the cellar?
Nothing!
You were in there
for 13 months
and nothing happened?
You were never
in any danger.
You were always safe
in there.
Go to hell!
Is that what's
tearing you apart?
That you were safe
in there?
That is it, isn't it?
No more war.
No more flights,
no flak, no danger.
Yes, yes, yes!
It was deep, dark, safe!
Could you have
escaped, Paul?
The town was
occupied by Germans.
Could you have escaped?
Could anybody have escaped?
I never tried.
I should have.
I never tried.
But don't tell God.
Don't tell, please.
Damn them for finding me.
I don't want to hurt her.
She mustn't know.
Don't you understand?
She mustn't know that
I was a coward.
I told you
it wouldn't work but
you wouldn't believe me.
I knew it was wrong.
Wrong!
Mrs. Winston,
I want you to go in
there and see Paul.
Now.
Another experiment?
Hasn't he been
through enough?
Hasn't he suffered
enough?
No, not by his standards.
You see, he's a Winston.
And?
Fear is a normal thing
in ordinary men.
It's something else
in a Winston.
It's cowardice.
Paul couldn't be
a coward.
He's never done
a shameful thing
in his life.
No.
But he thinks that he has.
That's the whole point.
That's why you have
to go in there.
You saw the anguish
on his face.
The hatred.
That was shame.
Mrs. Winston,
that man became
a vegetable
rather than have you know.
He loves you so much,
he was willing to stay
that way the rest of his life.
How is it possible?
They didn't know
each other at all.
Yeah, maybe we could all use
a new language.
(SlNGlNG)
We three kings of Orient are
Bearing gifts
we traverse afar
Fields and fountain
Moor and mountain
Following yonder star
Guide us to
thy perfect light
Attention!
Edgar, that's
a perfectly lovely tree.
Oh, thank you.
Thank you, my dear.
I must say it took
quite a bit of doing
to find a tree that...
Uh-oh!
(SlNGlNG)
O come, all ye faithful
Joyful and triumphant
Howard, how tall do you
figure that tree to be?
Come ye, O come ye
They told me
it was 20 feet.
What happened to
the other five feet?
Born the King of angels
Do you think it could
have shrunk indoors?
Don't be an idiot,
Howard. How...
O come let us adore him
Somebody chopped
the top off
of that tree.
Darling, if you don't shut up,
I'm gonna chop your top off!
Christ the Lord
Now, we bring you a number
by the Caroling Carusos
Ied by Major Alfredo Fortuno,
and produced under
the supervision of
Corporal Jackson Leibowitz.
(SPEAKlNG lTALlAN)
Officers, medici,
and the beautiful signore.
We prisoners,
but no slave.
We lose,
but no punish.
We very happy in Ward 7.
We have our own
Christmas tree. Yes.
Is not big, is a little one,
but is nice.
Very nice.
We are italiani,
but hurray America!
Newman. How little is
that Christmas tree?
Five feet, sir.
Well, consider it
my contribution
to the ward.
And a Merry Christmas
to you, sir.
We like to sing
for you old,
very old American
lndian song,
that which
the Caporale Leibowitz,
very kind, is teach us.
(SlNGlNG HAVA NAGILA)
That's Hebrew, isn't it?
To Geronimo Leibowitz,
it's lndian!
(MEN SHOUT)
(AUDlENCE CHEERlNG)
Bravo! Come on!
Excuse me.
Joe?
It's Little Jim.
Oh, no!
Remember the letter
that he gave me?
Well, he named me
his next-of-kin.
Didn't have anyone else.
Dear God!
It's all so hopeless, Joe.
You said it yourself.
We cure them,
make them strong,
so they can go out
and get killed.
And you've been through
this time and again,
haven't you?
Knowing it's all
so meaningless?
Little Jim
didn't think so.
In the letter, he...
He thanked us
for saving him.
"Back on the ball again,"
he said.
"I'm not a nobody
going nowhere."
No, he... He found
some meaning, Francie.
Man's need
to matter, and have it
make some difference
that he lived at all.
(AlRPLANE WHlRRlNG)
Leibowitz, you're not
gonna get away with it
this time!
All right!
Where is it?
Gavoni!
Where is it?
Doc, take care of him.
He needs help!
Gavoni! Gavoni!
Not only my
sister's package,
but all the presents
my family sent me.
I... I gotta kill him!
I gotta kill him!
Gavoni, it's Christmas!
Well, then,
right after Christmas.
Hello, everybody!
Santa Claus is here!
(ALL CHEERlNG)
Let's sing!
(SlNGlNG)
Jingle bells, jingle bells
Jingle all the way
Very good.
Oh, what fun it is to ride
In a one horse open sleigh,
hey
Jingle bells, jingle bells
Jingle all the way
Oh, what fun it is to ride
In a one horse open sleigh
Dashing through the snow
In a one horse open sleigh
O'er the fields we go
Laughing all the way
Bells on bobtails ring
Making spirits bright
What fun it is
to ride and sing
A sleighing song tonight
Oh, jingle bells,
jingle bells
Jingle all the way
Oh, what fun it is to ride
In a one horse open sleigh
Jingle bells, jingle bells
Jingle all the way
Oh, what fun it is to ride
In a one horse open sleigh