- Oh, hello.
- Hello. Are you, uh, Hannah?
- It's "Han-nah," actually.
- Oh, right.
- And this is Claire.
- Oh, I-I'm Annie.
Oh. Do come in, Annie.
- Thank you.
- All right.
I was just giving Charlie his dinner.
Oh, sorry.
This is Charlie.
And I'm Charlie's aunt, as in "Aren't I,
Charlie?" You behave yourself.
Oh, bloody hell. She's on drugs.
- It's for me asthma.
- Oh, right.
- Do you mind if I smoke?
- No.
Oh, it's a bit kamikaze, isn't it?
- What course are you on?
- Psychology.
Oh, bloody hell.
I'd better get on the couch.
Psychoanalysis
hardly comes into it at all.
Psychology is actually the scientific study
of human behavior.
Oh, well, that's all right then,
'cause I'm a dirty rat.
You could study her.
- So you both do English then?
- Yeah.
- "To be or not to be?"
- "That is the question."
- A very good one.
- I know what you mean, yeah.
This is my favorite band... The Cure.
- Oh, it's hers as well.
- Really?
- No.
- So, uh...
- what do you think of the old place?
- Nice, yeah.
Thirty pound a week inclusive,
but I'm a bit worried 'cause...
what does "must have G.S.O.H." mean?
'Cause I don't know
if I've got one, you see.
Oh, right. Uh, that just means
a good sense of housekeeping, doesn't it?
Oh, right. Well, I have to do a lot of dusting
'cause of me allergies and that, so...
It means good sense of humor.
An analogy to dust.
Now, what could that be?
- God's dandruff, maybe?
- Is that eczema?
No, it's dermatitis.
Well, it's better than "determinitis,"
which is what I've got. Let's face it!
- Did you walk?
- No, I got a taxi.
Hello.
- Hello.
- All right.
- Come on in, Annie. Make yourself at home.
- Bitch!
- Pervert!
- She's been to see her mum.
Oh, right.
Never, never!
She's a fucking bitch!
I'm never fucking going
there again! That's it!
- Oh, hiya.
- Hello.
You look so smart.
- Speak for yourself.
- Oh, yeah.
No, you do.
Let me take this.
No, it's all right.
It's really heavy.
- This is for you. It's, uh, nothing.
- You shouldn't have bothered.
- Come on. Let me take it.
- All right then.
- Did you get a cup of tea?
- Yeah, and a sarnie.
It's only one
and a half hours journey.
Uh, it's not much.
It's, uh, for your flat.
- Oh, you didn't need to. - Oh, it's
only a last-minute thing from Doncaster.
- The car's not very far, so...
- Oh. Is it on a meter?
- No, it's in the car park.
- Oh.
Oh, it feels strange, this.
- Yeah, it does, doesn't it?
- Mm. No, no, I mean London.
Oh, I see.
Has it changed much?
I don't know.
It has and it hasn't.
- Do you know what I mean?
- Yeah, I think so.
It all looks the same,
but... it feels different.
Stupid tosser.
- I'll tell you what is strange though.
- What?
- Seeing you driving.
- Well, it's the company car.
Oh, look at you!
I've got to drive me own jalopy.
You'll get one when
you're promoted, won't you?
I hope not to be there much longer.
Have you read this...
Wuthering Heights by Emily Bront?
- Yeah, it's great, and her house is near my house.
- Is it?
- Yeah. I've been there.
- Have you?
- Yeah. Yorkshire.
- Oh, right.
- I've got a question.
- Come on then.
Ms. Bront, Ms. Bront...
who will I have sex with next?
It's a bit like the I Ching, isn't it?
Except you don't have to scratch it.
"Himself befo..."
- "Erecting himself before."
- Yes!
- Yes! Well, you'll be all right then, won't you?
- It's your turn.
- Let her have a go.
- No.
- Go on.
- Come on. Ask Emily your question.
Okay. Will I find a fellow soon?
No, you've got to say
"Ms. Bront" twice.
Oh, sorry.
Miss Bront...
- Ms. Bront. Ms. Bront.
- Oh, okay.
Uh, Ms. Bront, Ms. Bront, will I...
um, will I find a fellow soon?
Wait for it.
"Must come." Well!
At least he'll know what
to do with his index finger.
So, um, do you need, like,
special soap for your, uh...
- Yeah, sometimes, yeah.
- Is it catching?
- No.
- You do look like you've done the tango with a cheese grater.
If you don't mind my saying so.
Excuse me.
Yeah?
- Are you all right?
- Yeah.
- I was only pissin' about.
- I know, I know.
- Well, you gotta laugh, though, ain't ya?
- Yeah, I'm fine, thanks. Really.
- I'll see you in a bit then.
- Yeah.
What lovely houses.
Yeah, it's a nice, quiet street, isn't it?
Yeah.
Here we are.
I'm right at the top.
- Oh, a real garden.
- Yeah, that's the people downstairs.
Oh, I'm puffed out.
I'm really unfit.
Here we are.
Home, sweet home.
Welcome to my humble abode
and other domestic clichs.
Oh, it's lovely.
It's so bright and cheery.
I like the yellow.
It's still my favorite color, you know.
- Yeah, I painted it when I moved in.
- Primrose.
Looks like piss.
I've gone off it now.
Right. Let's put the kettle on.
Oh, what a gorgeous view!
Real surprise, huh?
Good morrow, Mr. Magpie.
Sorry. I'm so superstitious.
- You're allowed to be.
- That's daft, I know.
- Oh, a fax machine.
- Yeah, I need it for work, really.
- Oh, you've got everything.
- Well, I wouldn't say that.
Now, what would you like?
I've got ordinary tea, herbal teas...
or there's a filter coffee.
I'd like a coffee.
Do you mind?
No, not at all.
I'm having one.
Oh, what a great settee.
Is this from Habitat?
No, that's one of
my sister's castoffs, actually.
- It's a sofa bed.
- Oh, is it?
Why don't you sit down?
Let me take this. I'll open it later.
- Is this where I'm sleeping?
- No, I'm sleeping there.
You're sleeping in my boudoir.
Follow me.
Oh, you've got a skylight.
Yeah. Bit noisy when it rains.
Good for the stars at night.
Romantic.
Now, I've put clean sheets on the bed,
and there's a fresh towel.
- Why can't I sleep in there?
- Well, because that mattress is even lower than this one.
And I remember what you're
like with your allergies...
so I thought you'd be
better off in here.
But as long as I'm not
on the floor, I don't mind.
Well, whatever. Anyway, there's the bathroom,
if you want to have a crap.
I'm gonna make the coffee.
I don't know why we dont just get a coffin
and put everything in that.
- I can't hear you.
- I said I don't know why we don't just get a coffin...
and put everything in that.
Oh, hurry up. I'm cold.
All right. I'm going as fast as I can.
Who the fuck do you think I am?
Speedy Gonzalez?
My arms are wrecked.
Mine. Mine. Mine. Mine.
Yours. Mine, mine.
- Do you want this?
- No, I don't.
I thought you might,
'cause I fucking well don't.
Introducing Semiotics.
Mine. Mine.
Oh, look. Wuthering Heights.
Why don't you ask Ms. Bront...
to inform you what the rest
of your entire life will consist of?
- Don't want to.
- Go on. I insist.
- No!
- Oh, you don't want to?
Well, that's interesting,
'cause neither do I!
What will we do with these?
There's only five.
We'll chop that one in half.
Tell you what. You take
three, and I'll take two.
I know. You have three,
and I'll have two...
and you can give
this one to your mum.
But what about your mum?
My mum would probably smash it
in a drunken stupor, wouldn't she?
Oh, this is great, Hannah.
You're so lucky.
- I'm thinking of moving, actually.
- But why? It's perfect.
- I want to buy somewhere.
- Really?
- Yeah.
- Why?
I just think it's a waste
of money forkin' out for rent...
when it's cheaper
paying off a mortgage.
- But it's such a big jump.
- Well, it's not very secure being a tenant though, is it?
Oh, you're so brave.
I couldn't buy on me own.
- I couldn't buy with anyone else.
- I want to get somewhere with somebody.
- Really? Who?
- No, no. I mean... Well, you know, my luck might change.
I might meet somebody.
I've got some money saved up.
I should spend it if I was you.
I'm not very good at saving.
- Oh, you still use them.
- What?
- The cups.
- Oh, yeah. I've had these for years.
Oh, I don't. I've got cacti in mine,
in my bedroom.
- Do you remember when we bought them?
- No.
You know, at the market.
You had cystitis.
Oh, that's right!
You ended up with two, and I've got two.
No, you've got two,
and I've got three.
Well, that's not very fair, is it?
Still ventilating?
Yeah.
You drinking milk these days or...
Uh, no, thanks.
Okay. Help yourself to sugar.
Oh, thanks.
Oh, go on then.
I'm on my holidays. Might as well.
Live dangerously.
Skin's looking good anyway.
Oh, yeah, it's cleared up. Finally.
I'm afraid I still smoke.
Do you mind?
Oh, uh, haven't got an ashtray.
- Oh, it doesn't matter.
- Wait a minute. Let's think.
Oh, I know.
Could use this.
There you go.
Same old contradiction.
- How's work?
- Oh, it's been a nightmare today.
- Oh?
- Yeah, well, basically...
I've inherited this problem
from my predecessor.
He was my ex-boss.
I warned him before he left.
Of course he wasn't having any of it.
So he's gone on to greener pastures,
and I've been left holding the baby.
What's the problem then?
Well, see, he ordered
this whole spring range from a firm...
and they didn't deliver
by the deadline.
So I threatened not to pay them, and now
they're giving me all this hassle and shit.
- Is it envelopes?
- Oh, no. It's a whole range of stationery.
Problems, eh? I've got them, too,
'cause I want to change me job.
- Do you?
- Yeah, well, you see, I went into personnel management...
'cause it's all about dealing with people...
but I've ended up with this job, like...
I spend 90% of my time
shifting paper around a desk.
Yeah. Yeah.
- Anyway, it's not the same since Patsy left.
- Who's that?
Oh, she was one
of the senior secretaries.
She was a real laugh.
She retired last year.
Would you excuse me
a moment? Sorry.
I just remembered something.
Oh, look at you in your specs.
Yeah, I only use them
for reading and writing.
- You look so mature.
- Well, not too mature, I hope.
- I haven't opened your present, have I?
- No.
Nice paper.
Oh!
That's useful, actually.
It's great.
Thanks a lot.
- It goes with the room.
- It's really lovely, actually.
- I must buy you some flowers for it.
- Thanks.
Well, we don't have to tell her, do we?
No. No. Mum's the word.
Only upset her anyway.
Yeah. Right. Deal, yeah.
- To be honest, I've had enough of her.
- Know what you mean, yeah.
If we start looking for a flat now, we should
be able to get hold of one of the third years.
- What you reckon?
- Well, I'm not quite sure what I'm doing next year.
- What do you mean?
- I might want to be alone.
You want to live on your own?
Well, change is as good as a rest...
and other duck-billed platitudes.
Well, that's great for me.
Well, I'm sorry if my life
isn't very convenient for you.
- What's Annie doing next year?
- I don't know.
'Cause if we start looking now, we should be
able to find a place for the two of us, yeah?
- I don't know if I can afford it.
- Smaller than this.
No, but I want to go
home for the summer.
- Anyway, I don't want to think about it.
- Hannah's not interested.
- She wants to live by herself.
- Really?
Yeah.
Oh. I see.
I can't believe it.
260,000.
Do people actually pay that sort of money
for a two-bedroom flat?
- Apparently so.
- It's a joke.
Well, I certainly couldn't afford it.
And even if I could, I wouldn't want it.
I'm just being nosy, really.
Seeing how the other half lives.
I thought it might be fun for you as well.
Better than traipsing around
Buckingham Palace or the Tower of London.
You can always go
to the pictures, can't you?
Oh, yeah.
It will be a giggle.
We'll have to look as though
we can spend that sort of money.
Oh, no, I couldn't.
I'll look like the poor relation.
Oh, you'll be all right.
You could be my financial adviser.
But what if I say the wrong thing?
I'll end up having to buy it.
Let's face it.
I hope you like this restaurant
I've booked for tomorrow night.
It's a bit unusual.
You do still eat Chinese, don't you?
Oh, I'll eat anything, me.
Except mushrooms and peanuts.
Oh, that's a shame.
I just made mushroom and peanut pie. Joke.
Still read a lot?
Uh, yeah, quite a lot.
Especially when I'm traveling.
I don't.
Not half as much as I used to.
Oh, where'd you get this from?
- It's so dinky.
- You can have that if you like.
- Oh, no. I couldn't.
- Oh, go on.
It's only a free sample.
I get lots of them.
This is a good one.
Looks like paper...
feels like leather,
and it's made of plastic.
Put all your secrets in there.
Have the bigger version as well.
- Oh, no. This is too much.
- Don't be silly. What about a folder?
There you go.
Thank you.
We're in Yates' Wine Lodge
in Wakefield...
and he was already
half-pissed, you see...
'cause he had actually been in there,
you know, since work with his friends.
Anyway, I stupidly chose this moment to tell
him I didn't want to go out with him anymore.
- Do you know what he said?
- No.
He said that I've got
the hump with him, right?
Because once he had actually said to me
that he didn't ever want to get married.
- Does that make sense to you?
- No.
Here I am trying to end it with this guy...
and he's telling me
that I want to marry him.
And I really didn't.
I didn't.
He sounds like a dickhead to me.
- Well, he is a dickhead.
- How long were you with him?
- A year and a half.
- Oh, I don't know how you put up with it.
Well, I didn't,
'cause I left him, didn't I?
Well, he wouldn't have lasted a weekend
with me. That's my problem.
None of 'em do.
I just can't hack it.
Serves me right for getting
involved with a bloody drunk.
Yeah, I know what you mean.
I've just been involved with one of them.
Oh? Oh, I don't know.
Where are you supposed to
meet a man, you know, at 30?
Did you leave your Zimmer frame
on the train?
Thank you very much. It was lovely.
- Do you want some more?
- Oh, no, no. I couldn't.
So how is Thelma these days?
- Oh, she's still the model of maternity, my mother.
- Oh?
Swigging two bottles of gin a day
and puking up my Sunday lunches.
- Oh, dear.
- She's a right old strop at the moment, actually.
Why is that then?
Stupidly, I told her that you were
coming down for the weekend.
She's been insisting
that I bring you around.
Well, let's go around.
I'd be quite happy to.
No, thank you. I wouldn't wish her on
my worst enemy, let alone my oldest friend.
Wouldn't mind a weekend off, anyway.
She sends her love.
Oh, that's nice.
Will you send her mine?
Mm.
So how's Kathy these days?
She still making her own bread?
- Oh, yeah, yeah. She's great, yeah.
- Fantastic, that bread.
- She fancies somebody at work.
- Does she?
A newcomer. But he doesn't
work in the Housing Department.
- Mm.
- It's really funny seeing her dress up to go in every day.
But, you know, I really wish
that she'd meet somebody...
'cause she's been on her own
for such a long time.
Last time my mother had a lover,
I had to call the police.
- Did you?
- Derek. Tried to break in at 3:00 in the morning.
Didn't last very long.
No, it's strange. 'Cause if she does start
going out with this fellow...
I'm worried, uh,
I'll be really jealous, you know?
Do you mean jealous of the bloke or jealous
of your mother because she's got a boyfriend?
Oh, no, no, neither. No, it's...
Well, it's hard to explain.
It's, um...
Well, I'm scared I might lose a part of her.
Oh, I know it sounds silly, but...
You're more like sisters,
you two, aren't you?
I suppose so. That's the main reason
why I've got to leave home again...
because I just depend
too much on me mum.
My mum depends too much on me.
I need me independence. 'Cause I've never
really had it. Not like you, you know.
You've got your independence with all this,
and I really admire that.
I never had a choice. I've had independence
rammed down my throat since I can remember.
I wouldn't exactly call having to look after
your alcoholic mother independent.
Know what I mean?
Come on. Let's get pissed.
Why not?
- All right?
- Yeah, great, yeah. It's real comfy bed, this.
- I know.
- Are you all right on the sofa?
Yeah. I always sleep in there if I'm ill.
Watch the telly.
- Oh, do you?
- Yeah.
- Thanks for the dinner tonight.
- That's all right. Not much of a chef, as you know.
Just a shame there isn't time
for me to cook you a meal.
Well, maybe next time. Whatever.
I used to like your cooking, actually.
Oh. Do you a pasta for old times' sake.
Living in the "pasta."
- Bonsoir. Sweet dreams.
- Good night.
Just give us a shout
if you want anything.
Mm-hmm.
Hannah Mills performs
open-can surgery on a tin of tomatoes.
What?
- What are you wearing?
- What does it look like?
You look like Snoopy
dressed as the Red Baron.
Well, I can't help it if they make me cry.
- Here. Do you want a snorkel?
- Don't!
Oh, I'm joking, all right?
- I'll do it.
- No, it's all right.
No, I'll chop the onion,
and you open the tin.
- Right?
- All right.
Don't make me cry. Look.
It's all right for you.
You don't suffer from allergies like I do.
I can't cry. I haven't cried since
I was nine years old, actually.
- Is that true?
- Yeah.
Oh, well, I've been crying
ever since I can remember.
Well, since I were eight.
I don't remember anything before that.
- Really? Why is that?
- I don't know. It's just like one big blank.
- My mum and dad split up when I was eight.
- Really?
- Yeah.
- So did mine.
- What, when you were eight?
- Yeah, my dad walked out on us when I were eight years old.
My dad ran off with another woman.
- So did mine. Coincidence, eh?
Yeah, but what is synchronicity, and what's,
you know, like, coincidence?
Jung says that synchronicity is when two
different things happen at the same time.
One's being a normal state, and the other is
a psychic one. Do you know what I mean, like?
- Kitchen synchronicity.
- All right.
- Hello.
- Good evening.
- What's for tea?
- Spaghetti with tuna.
- I hate tuna!
- Well, you don't have to eat it, do ya?
- I told you I don't like the smell of fish!
- Sorry.
Don't have a go at her.
She can cook what she likes.
It's all right for her.
Her room isn't next to the kitchen, is it?
- Do you want to fight?
- Oh, don't be childish.
- Kojak!
- Shut up!
Swivel!
Bloody cheek.
I feel really bad now.
Well, don't.
We like tuna. Right?
Freud enlarged his first
theory of dreams...
to cover the recurrent nightmares of
shell-shocked soldiers in the First World War.
What we would refer to today
as post-traumatic stress disorder.
Here the dreams show
the compulsion to repeat...
and, by doing so,
to try to master actively...
what was done to the person
as a passive agent of trauma.
I didn't get any video of this.
If I give you a fiver, will you
give her and me one pound?
Is this it?
No, it's all right.
Careful with them.
They're-They're deleted. Uh, my finger.
Ricky, it's everything, right?
Come on.
Watch me records, won't ya?
Ricky, the bathroom
is there on the left.
Narrow, these stairs, aren't they?
- We seem to manage.
- For you, you mean?
- Right. Tea.
- Uh, do you know, um...
So, what do you think then?
Cozy, isn't it?
- Uh, don't, uh... don't like the brown.
- What brown?
Uh, the walls are brown.
The wallpaper, uh...
Not brown. It's maroon.
We're marooned.
No, it's, uh, brown.
The carpet's brown and the lino.
Maybe if you painted
it all, uh, white...
it might help raise your spirits.
- Think so, Ricky?
- Think you'll be all right sleeping on that thing?
Uh, might be a bit small, but...
- It's all relative, isn't it?
- You can put the cushions on the floor and sleep here.
- Yeah.
- Uh, like wooden, uh, ribs sticking.
There's one sticking right up us now.
- Well, don't brag about it!
We all want to sit there.
Oh, uh, me bum wouldn't
be here when I was sleepin'.
Instead of a bum, which is what I am.
Well, it'll have to do
until you find somewhere else.
- Yeah.
- Uh, uh...
What, a bastard, eh...
your landlord?
Oh, yeah. I was gonna
smack him one, but, uh...
No, see, everybody's got,
like, different traits.
- That's right, yeah.
- You've got your cardinal traits.
- Central and secondary.
- I'm having one explanation. I don't need two.
- I'm not stupid. Thank you very much.
- No, there's, like, three...
- different groups of...
- Traits.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
Uh, what do you think your, uh, card...
My cardinal trait is, what do you think
about Margaret Thatcher?
Do you think she will be assassinated?
Or do you think she will carry on
ad nauseam into the next century?
- How do you both feel about that?
- I don't know.
That's right. You don't know,
and you don't care!
Let's face it.
See, uh, Abraham Lincoln's
cardinal trait was, uh, honesty.
Yeah. Look what happened to him.
Why don't you, uh, want
to talk about your cardinal...
"My Cardinal Trait" by Hannah Mills.
My cardinal trait is... generosity.
- Oh?
- That's true, Hannah. She's a very kind person.
Oh, my friend concurs,
which is very big of her, I must say.
That's like your main, uh, driving...
That's right. And do you happen to
have a cardinal trait, by any chance?
Uh, well, see, Annie,
I think your cardinal...
Never mind her.
I'm talking to you, monsieur.
Hmm, uh... Hmm, uh...
Uh, honesty.
I tell it like it...
Ah, that's a porky pie, isn't it,
Mr. Ricky, Richard...
- What's your surname?
- Burton. Richard Burton. Didn't I tell you?
- No.
- Yeah, it's...
- Youre joking, ain't you?
- No, really.
I don't, uh, look like him or anything.
You can say that again.
- No, me mum used to fancy him when...
- He was lovely.
Well, let's just hope you
don't end up like him then.
So, um, what do you think
your cardinal trait is then, Annie?
Well, uh, I don't know.
I- I don't know...
See, uh, I think you
should, uh, look up more.
See, you always, like,
seem stressed and that.
Your behavior might be like a cause
of your, uh, scabby skin and that.
Excuse me! Do you think
your ample form...
has anything to do with the fact
that you stuff your face...
or is it that you're not
getting enough sex, maybe?
Or is it that you're not
getting enough sex, maybe?
I don't... I don't, uh...
It's like your dream, isn't it?
- What dream?
- Oh, she has this dream...
about this big, dark fella
in her bedroom.
- Yeah, I know.
- Dark figure.
With a stick.
We had to describe our dreams
in a seminar last term.
Oh, how very honest of you.
- No, it's interesting...
- Anyway, I don't want to talk about this.
If you want to go
and see a therapist...
Excuse me! She just said she didn't
want to talk about it, so shut up!
- You're very aggressive.
- So?
- That might come from insecurity.
- Well, we're all insecure.
- No, but, like, we're all, uh...
- What, swimming?
No, like, uh, we're all the center of our own,
like, attention.
That's better than being in a detention
center, which is where I could have ended up.
No, but, like, you know,
it's like coming forward.
- Well, it's better than being backward.
- Maybe if you'd try and listen.
I've been listening to your half-baked
psychobabble all fucking evening!
And I resent being analyzed by two
polytechnic, second-year psychology students!
Thank you!
She's, uh, not very happy.
Uh, she's got, like,
a type "A" personality...
like she might have
a heart attack or something.
Uh, you fancy, uh...
No. No, I don't. Sorry.
All right. I think I'll, uh...
- You'll have to knock, but not too loud, okay?
- All right.
Uh, I'll have chips and curry sauce.
But could you put a lot of curry sauce,
'cause last time you didn't...
put enough on.
Sometimes I get the devil in me.
- No, you don't.
- Yes, I do.
I've never seen you like that before.
- I'm sorry.
- I was scared.
- Ricky's so tactless.
- You can say that again.
You know, it's a real private
thing to me, that dream.
I know what it means.
Do you?
I think so.
I wish I did.
I just don't like being
psychoanalyzed. That's all.
Yeah. Typical psychology students, eh?
- I quite like him, actually. He's sussed, isn't he?
- Yeah, he's all right.
- He fancies you.
- What?
- Yes, he does.
- Don't be so daft.
You talkin' to me?
Oy, fatso.
Sorry.
Good, they, as dancers.
- What about you?
- Yeah, let's see you.
- Come on. Up.
- No, I can't.
Oh, go on.
I wanna see you dancing.
No, I don't...
I'm fucking pissed!
- That's it, yeah! He's moving now.
- Yeah.
Better watch out.
Yeah, not as good as you are.
- He's very noble. Isn't he?
- Yeah, fine.
You're doing very well, ain't you?
Whoo!
- I'm going to bed now.
- Well, already?
Yeah. Good night.
Okay.
Ms. Bront, Ms. Bront,
will I have a fuck soon?
Well, uh, uh...
Go on. Close your eyes.
Uh, uh, it says "death."
- Oh, great. Bloody great.
- That's, uh, symbolic.
It symbolizes the bloody death of my sex life.
Right, you have a go.
- Uh, Miss Bront...
- Ms. Bront. Ms. Bront.
Ms. You know, like multiple
sclerosis or something.
Uh, Ms. Bront, uh...
will I...
Will you what?
Uh...
Uh, uh, uh, get a fuck?
Oh, right. Same question.
Okay.
Let's see.
Oh, Ricky, it's a blank page.
- Uh, uh, uh...
- Sorry.
Uh, there's nothing in the rules or...
Oh, fuck, it obviously doesn't work
when you're pissed.
Your, um, receptor sites
must be all clogged.
Oh! Oh! Oh, Ricky,
I feel so dizzy.
I, uh...
Oh, I'm gonna have to go to bed.
Uh, I, uh, uh, like you.
Oh, well, I like you too, you know.
We're mates, you and I.
You know, aren't we?
Uh, no... Um, uh...
Uh, I fan... I fancy you.
- Uh...
- I lo... I love you.
- Uh, like, uh...
- Oh, fuck, Ricky.
- Uh...
- I don't, uh...
I'm sorry. I...
I think you're lovely.
You're really smashing, but, uh...
- Uh, uh...
- Well, you see, I've got this problem.
Uh, well, it's simple, really.
It's just that, uh, uh...
- I'm in love.
- Uh...
With someone else.
Uh, I fancy some curry
and chips from downstairs.
They won't be open downstairs.
I'll, uh, uh, get you some
sweet and sour chicken balls.
But it's 25 to 7:00
on a Sunday morning.
Ricky!
Are you sure you don't fancy him?
No, I don't.
- But you like him a lot?
- Yeah. He's lovely.
Why don't you fancy him?
Well, you know,
he's a bit plump, isn't he?
- Ah, so it's the way he looks then?
- What do you think?
- I think that's a bit rich coming from you.
- What do you mean?
Well, you're always going on about how men
don't find you attractive 'cause of your...
- Well, I'm not attractive, am I?
- I think you're attractive.
- You're not a fellow.
- True.
I think I'll go back to bed.
He's gonna be tired
when he gets back, isn't he?
I hope he's all right.
Oh, yeah. Probably just jumped
off Waterloo Bridge.
- Do you mind?
- All right! Only jokin'.
I'm sure he's hunky-dory.
- Hiya.
- Hi.
- Thanks.
- Ta.
I feel so guilty.
Well, we can't hang on
to his stuff forever, can we?
Won't be the first time
it's happened to him.
- The tutors don't give a fuck, you know.
- Probably gone to his nan's.
- Shall I try and get his address off the registrar at college?
- Yeah.
- Then we can write him a letter, see if he's okay.
- Good thinking, Watson.
It's elementary.
He said first left, didn't he?
- Oh, it's this one.
- Oh, yeah.
Don't forget. If he's not there,
we'll just say we're passing through.
- Oh, yeah. We don't want to frighten his nan, do we?
- That's right.
- Is it this one?
- That's, uh, number five.
Uh... Oh, no, it's this one.
There's no bell. Well, come over here.
Don't leave it all to me.
- Yes?
- Hello.
Hello. Uh, does Ricky live here?
Uh-huh. Why?
- We're friends of his.
- Yeah, we're just passing through.
- Oh.
- Is he in?
He's not in any trouble, is he?
- No!
- No, nothing like that. We're at college with him.
Oh? From London?
- Yeah.
- Yeah, yeah.
Oh. He's gone out.
- Ah.
- Do you know when he's gettin' back?
No. Not really.
- How is he?
- He's fine.
Do you know where he is at all?
He might be along the front, like.
- Shall we go and look for him?
- Yeah.
Could you tell him that
Annie and Hannah called, please?
- Right.
- Okay. Thanks a lot then.
- Yeah, thanks.
- Bye.
Bye.
Oh, hello. Didn't recognize you with clothes on.
Excuse me!
Is that Mr. Evans?
- Eh?
- Uh, we were supposed to be here at 2:00.
- Oh, it's Claudine, isn't it?
- Claudine?
- Has Andy put you up to this?
- Who?
I've heard all about you.
Who's your lovely friend?
Oh, right. I think we're talking
at cross purposes, actually.
We were supposed to be here
at 2:00 to view the flat, yeah?
- And Jerry Wall said he'd spoken to you.
- No, no. That's bollocks.
- Well, didn't he phone you, then?
- No, he told me tomorrow.
- Oh, great. Bloody waste of time, this.
- No, he definitely said today.
- Uh...
- Oh, look. Just forget it.
No, no. Tell you what,
darling. Come up.
All right, darling.
Where shall we come?
Eighth floor, turn right. Okay?
- What do you think?
- Well, yeah.
- Is this the way?
- No, the lift's over here.
Like a bloody hotel, isn't it?
- Come on. It's great.
- I can't!
- You won't fall out.
- It doesn't make any difference.
- Don't know what you're missing.
- I don't care.
See, the reason it slopes is so that
when the chickens lay the eggs...
the eggs can roll
down to the bottom.
- It's a giant omelet factory, isn't it?
- Oh, thank God for that.
- Are you all right?
- Now I am, yeah.
- It's this way, isn't it?
- No, I think it's to the right.
- Hello?
- Yeah.
All right. Come in, girls.
- If this is inconvenient...
- No, no. I was just brushing my teeth.
Come in. Come in.
- Go on. Straight up.
- Hello.
Hello.
- You've got an upstairs.
- Yeah, it's a split-level.
Six-hundred square feet each floor.
So this must be the original artwork
Jerry was telling me about.
- Lady Godiva.
- No, that's my ex-girlfriend.
- Well, at least you have to look up to her.
- Hang on a sec.
- Fancy a cup of tea?
- Uh, no, thanks.
We can't stay very long, actually.
- No, that's right.
- How about beer?
- No, thank you.
- Glass of wine?
- No, thanks.
- I'll open a bottle. Come on.
Uh, is that a microwave?
Microwave, oven, hob.
So you are off the breast then?
- Feel free to look around.
- Oh, my God. Look at this.
- Oh, a hammock.
- Yeah, yeah. Fancy a swing?
No. I'll be sick.
I suppose on a clear day you can
see the class struggle from here.
- Yeah, on a clear day, you can see forever, love.
- It's like a porthole.
- Yeah. It's the ship effect.
- Oh.
- Smoke?
- Oh, no, thanks.
- Sit down.
- What is through the round window?
A blinding view.
That's, uh, Tower Bridge.
Just left of the crane
is, uh, Big Ben.
And over there, the City.
- So what's your name?
- Rumpelstiltskin.
- I like your telescope.
- Oh, thank you very much.
- Good for bird-watching.
- Is it safe to go out here?
Course it is.
- You going to buy it, then?
- Oh, yeah, definitely.
- With him thrown in?
- Yeah, thrown in the Thames.
Oh, no.
- Do you want the lav, love?
- No. I'm fine.
- She's got a touch of the Hitchcocks.
- You what?
- Is that your boat?
- No.
- What are the neighbors like?
- Don't know.
- Oh, that's cozy then, isn't it?
- Come and look at this.
Canary Wharf.
It's a shame they couldn't afford
an architect, really, isn't it?
- How long have you lived here?
- Four years.
- Oh, really? And why are you gettin' out?
- Fancy doin' a bit of travelin'.
- What, with the gypsies?
- No. Get a motorbike.
Do Africa.
Balloon across the Andes, up the Amazon.
What do you do?
- What, a crane driver?
- No, futures.
- Oh.
- What you doin' later on?
Nothing that involves you.
That's for sure.
- Who's the little girl?
- That's my daughter, Tuesday.
She was born on a bloody Saturday,
but her mother's bonkers.
- She's really cute.
- I never see her. So what do you two do?
Oh, uh, I'm a pathologist,
and she's a plastic surgeon, actually.
Oh, that's handy.
Fancy a whiff of spliff?
- No, thanks.
- We don't indulge.
- So do you get a lot of dry rot up here?
- No.
- What about rising damp?
- What, a hundred feet up?
- Could be high-rising damp.
- No, it's double-glazed.
- Oh, really?
- Yeah.
- Sure?
- No.
- Positive.
- Have many people viewed it yet?
Well, Jerry's got the keys. He was supposed to
take a couple of people around last week.
So are you sticking at your asking price?
This is my point, see. I reckon that
we could have a little coup on the go.
- What do you mean?
- Well, ax the parasite.
- Who, Jerry?
- Yeah. He don't have to know about it.
I'll bring down the asking price.
Bosh. Yours. Sorted.
- Sounds brilliant.
- How much will you come down by?
- What're you in the market for?
- You've got a couple of bedrooms here, haven't you?
- Yeah.
- Where do you keep them, then?
Downstairs.
Do you want to see 'em?
- Can't wait.
- Come on down.
- Fancy a cognac?
- No, thank you.
- No, she's driving. Aren't you?
- That's right.
This is the master.
I see you've been
looking through your family album.
Mm. Yeah. Yeah.
That's my sister, that, God bless her.
En suite bathroom.
Power shower.
Lot of storage space in here, obviously.
- Yeah, okay. Thanks very much.
- Yeah.
- We've got to go now. We've got another appointment.
- Yeah, we have.
- So are you two looking for a place together, then?
- No, no.
- No, I'm the one who's buying.
- Oh, right. Thought you was geezer birds.
- Oh, you wish!
- No, we're not.
- Don't mind or anything.
- Oh, thanks very much.
You know, love the life you live
and live the life you love.
- This is my study.
- Okay, see you then. Thanks very much.
- You haven't seen the other rooms yet.
- No, it's okay.
One, two. Bath as well.
Never use 'em.
This is the second bedroom.
Yeah, all right.
Thanks a lot. Bye.
- Where are you going? We haven't started yet.
- No, it's okay.
- Hang on.
- Sorry. Bye.
Come on.
Let's get out of here.
- What a bloody nightmare.
- I wanted to use the loo as well.
What a tosser!
- That flat's gross.
- Don't be rude about my future home.
Beg your pardon.
- Fancy a glass of champagne?
- No, thanks.
Fuck!
Come on.
Press the button.
Listen. Why don't we go downstairs?
I'll show you around the pool.
We'll come back up, and we drink this, yeah?
- No, thank you.
- You got a problem or something?
- What the fuckin' hell is the matter with you?
- Bye!
You got a problem?
You got a fucking problem?
Slags!
I just don't believe that.
What an idiot!
He was coked out of his head,
though, wasn't he?
- Was he?
- Yeah, of course he was.
- How can you tell?
- Oh, bloody hell!
You Wakefield girls!
You're half asleep, ain't ya?
I'm so naive.
When are you moving back to London?
Oh, well, I don't know.
Oh, dear.
Now, ahem, this next flat
we're gonna look at...
we're actually meeting
the estate agent, Lance.
No, he sounds like a gentleman.
I've spoken to him on the phone.
Oh. Sir Lancelot.
Gonna be a bit late, actually.
- Oh, it's quite nice, isn't it?
- Yeah.
I love these old London houses
with the steps.
Oh, no. Another camera.
You can be Claudine this time, though.
Oh, Lance is in a hurry.
Oh, nice hall.
Hello. Miss Mills?
- Ms. Mills, actually.
- I do beg your pardon, Ms. Mills.
- Are you Lance, by any chance?
- No, I'm not Lance.
- Oh.
- Lance is ill. I'm covering for him.
- Adrian Spinks.
- Thank you very much.
- After you.
- Thanks.
- So what's wrong with Lance, then?
- Lance?
- He went out for a vindaloo last night.
- Oh, spare us the details.
- It's a very nice white room, isn't it?
- Yeah.
- Why have you got the shutters closed?
- I've just got here.
- You're my first lot.
- Not 'cause you're trying to block out the tower block?
Light up your life.
It's not very scenic, is it?
Nice big windows.
Yeah, but what can you see through 'em?
So what's in there?
Take a peek.
It's the en suite.
It's not a very large bath, is it?
- You can get two in there.
- Yeah, two bars of soap.
You, uh, looking
for a place together?
- No.
- Hm. Thought you might be.
There's a lot of cracks
in these walls, isn't there?
- It's purely cosmetic.
- What, you painted them on?
- No, it's the weight of the plaster.
- So?
- It shrinks, it cracks.
- Oh, yeah, I can see that.
It's just not very good, is it?
I agree.
Get what you pay for.
Oh, I see you haven't got your selling heart
where your selling mouth is.
Honesty is my policy.
So what's in here then?
Oh, I see. Right.
So it's a sort of kitchen, breakfast,
wining, dining, living, dying sort of room.
Fridge-freezer,
washer-dryer, dishwasher.
Save your hands for a rainy day.
- I don't use my hands on a rainy day.
- Excuse me.
Did you, um... Did you say
your name was Adrian?
Mm-hmm. Adrian Spinks.
I thought so.
That's an original Victorian fireplace.
No, it is.
Come and have a look.
You can have an artificial
gas coal fire plumbed in.
Or you can burn your own logs.
The choice is yours.
I don't believe it.
- Honest.
- Oh, my God.
- Excuse me.
- Yeah?
Are you just a girl
who can't say n...
No!
Thought so.
This is a party, you know.
I don't think much of your dress sense.
I thought it was meant to be a funeral.
You're wearing black.
Well, I've got "funereal" disease.
Will I catch it if I have sex with you?
Well, you won't be,
so you won't know, will ya?
No biting! Ow!
Oh, right.
That does it.
No!
Excuse me.
I'm a lady.
- Well, come on then.
- I'm in the passenger seat. You're driving.
Ain't got a gear stick, have I?
This lady's not for turning!
- Fancy breakfast?
- They also serve, sit and wait.
- Sausage and egg?
- Sausage and two eggs would be better.
- It's gettin' cold. Eat up.
- Do you wanna fight?
- Pacifist.
- I want the toilet.
And when I get back, young man...
we'll have more eat and less talk.
Well, hurry up!
It's just I can't.
No, really, I can't.
Mum, I've got to get it done.
Oh, hiya.
Workin' on a Saturday?
Bit keen.
I'm makin' some notes for an essay.
I've got as far as the emotional responses to fear.
- What's it about? Ghosts?
- No, it's about the erection of, uh...
- Ooh, talkin' dirty to me.
- No, the erection of body hair and things like that.
Are you lookin' for a new erection in life?
Would you like some chocolate?
Very kind of you.
Thank you.
Help yourself.
- Nice boxer shorts.
- My ex-girlfriend got them for me.
Excuse me. Are you having a tutorial?
She was just askin'
about my ex-girlfriend.
- I weren't!
- You're tryin' to do some work?
Yes, actually, I am.
Right. Come on, Casanova.
This isn't a bordello, you know.
Can't just walk into every boudoir
and choose a different bint.
Got to go and feed the world.
- Oy!
- Try telegrams!
What's your problem?
North London Poly, yeah?
Yeah. Were you there?
- Yeah. We both were.
- You were a BABS, weren't you?
- Were you BABS?
- No, she did English.
- What did you do?
- Psychology.
- I got a 2.2.
- Oh, bully for you.
Spent too much time in the pub.
I got a 2.2 and didn't spend
too much time in the pub.
I got a First and I smoked a lot of dope.
- I had a brilliant time.
- Oh. Nice for you.
Population of China. Good luck trying to
get through, 'cause it's usually engaged.
- Do me a flavor. Give me my bus fare.
- Yeah. You must be joking!
- See you then.
- Lend us 40 pence?
- No!
- What for?
- To get home, else I'll have to walk.
- Yeah.
No, she will not lend you 40 pence.
- Why not?
- Because we're not a bank! That's why!
- Sorry.
- Have you been listening to me?
- Ha ha!
- What?
- Lend us 40 pence?
- What for?
- Brain surgery!
- I'm skint.
Give us a kiss then.
Hey, Annie. Don't you reckon she should
pay me for use of me fetid stump?
- Fuck off!
- Oh! She likes it rough, she does.
- Out!
- 'Cause when I fuck a woman, she stays fucked.
So why do you think
he hasn't phoned then?
I don't know.
Maybe he's lost the number.
- Are you bothered?
- No.
- Are you?
- No.
- What's he like?
- What do you mean?
- You know, in the sack.
- He's like a sack of potatoes in the sack.
I hate those things.
They give me the creeps.
That looks like my mum.
Hey, Hannah,
Hey, the Flowerpot Men.
Lavinia.
That's really nice. It really suits you,
you know. Very Paddington Bear.
Hey, Hannah, look at this. Great. I like the color.
Yeah. It's okay.
- Think it goes with me hair?
- Makes you look like a carrot, doesn't it?
- What do you reckon?
- Nice, yeah.
Twins!
- 50p. Great.
- Think we should get them, then?
- Definitely. Yeah.
- All right. Excuse me!
- Where's the geezer?
- Don't know.
"And then she sat on my face,
Constable."
Good morning.
Would you like some breakfast,
a little fuck on toast, maybe?
A woman's place is on my face.
Useless.
I've got this, uh,
recurring fantasy about...
Um, well...
in this fantasy, uh...
I'm having sex...
Well, actually,
I'm being forced to have sex...
with somebody.
And the thing is that...
there's a lot of men, you know...
Watching us.
Oh?
Don't get me wrong.
It's only a fantasy. It's not reality.
It's a myth that a lot of men believe,
but it can lead to rape...
you know, the idea
that a woman means "yeah"...
when, like, um...
she means "no."
I could bring me mates after
five-a-side to watch if you want.
So what's through
the square window then?
- It's a divided garden.
- Oh. I'm sorry to hear that.
The furthest bit belongs to this flat.
Well, it's a bit barren, isn't it?
You can spice it up with your green fingers.
You don't recognize us at all, do you?
You're vaguely familiar.
I recognize you.
- Yeah?
- Yeah.
- What about her?
- What's your name?
Annie.
No. Sorry.
Right. Where's the second bedroom?
Now there's an offer I can't refuse.
- You just lost your commission.
- Ouch.
Ow! Bloody well bit the wrong place.
Bite's worse than me bark.
Oh. She loves me.
Thank you.
- What's that?
- I'm being the right angle in a triangle.
- Are you all right?
- Yeah, I'm fine. Have a nice time.
Are you sure you don't want me
to come with you?
No, it's all right.
It's cool.
Hannah, I wanted strawberryade!
You're lucky she
got you anything at all.
So...
Why did you split up
with your ex-girlfriend then?
'Cause she wanted to
whisk me up the aisle.
- Really?
- Yeah.
Got sick of her crying all the time.
Was it 'cause of her
or 'cause you don't like commitment?
It's a load of bollocks,
all that shit.
- What?
- Commitment.
Vagina... nice place.
Wouldn't wanna live there.
So how long have you
been an estate agent?
Oh, five, six years.
I see you've got a wedding ring.
- Yeah, I'm married.
- How nice.
- How long?
- Second anniversary coming up.
- Got any kiddies?
- I certainly have.
- How many, 2.2?
- Just the one, as of yet.
- Laura Jane.
- Oh, yes.
She's as ugly as you, isn't she?
Yeah, it's her birthday tomorrow.
I gotta pick up the cake.
- How old is she?
- One. Little jelly tot.
She'll be playing for England
by the time I finish with her.
Oh, I forgot.
You like football.
- It's a lot of crap, really, isn't it?
- Not my cup of tea neither.
- You know what to do with this.
- Keep it for your collection.
- No, thank you.
- Nice to see you again then.
Yeah. Bye!
You all right?
Fine, yeah.
That time in the bedsit was the worst
for me... just after you came down to stay.
- I was right on the edge.
- Yeah.
I actually said to myself, "You've either
got to change or you're gonna go under."
If I hadn't got that job in the hardware shop,
I'd be in a loony bin by now.
- No, you wouldn't.
- Yes, I would.
He just let me be myself.
It's funny, but all these memories
keep flooding back.
See, I hate looking back.
Yeah, but don't forget,
I don't remember my childhood, you know...
and that's why remembering
is so important to me.
Mm. Who wants a crap memory though?
You haven't really changed.
- Do you want some more rice?
- No, thanks.
- I've always envied you, you know.
- Aw, don't be so daft.
- I have!
- Why?
I don't know.
I admire your innocence.
What do you mean?
You're a very sort of trusting person.
I trust people too easily.
That's why I get walked over.
See, I envy your ability to
stand on your own two feet.
Yeah, but that's just
self-protection, isn't it?
- And the way you deal with men.
- That's all I ever do is deal with them.
I mean, at least you're able
to fall in love with them...
even though you are
a walking open wound.
I'm just not strong enough
to be as vulnerable as you.
But I see that vulnerability as a weakness.
You're the strong one.
Well, see, if we could be a combination,
we'd be the perfect woman, wouldn't we?
Unfortunately, we can't.
I can't use these chopsticks.
- You've changed more than you think, you know.
- Oh, yeah? In what way?
Well, you've stopped bumping into things.
And you can look me in the eye, can't you?
- Yeah, yeah. Do you know who always used to say that to me?
- What?
- You know, about looking down all the time.
- Who?
Ricky. Do you remember him?
Now there's someone I have thought about,
as opposed to Adrian.
Ricky was sussed.
Oh, yeah. Very bright, yeah.
- Wonder what happened to him.
- I really don't know.
Maybe he's a rock star.
- Yeah, or a company manager.
- He might be as thin as a beanpole.
I don't think so... the amount of curry
and chips he used to eat.
- Mm. Fat chance, eh?
- Thin chance.
No, I haven't thought
about Adrian at all.
I don't really want to talk about it,
'cause I'm trying to get over today.
Fair enough.
It's ridiculous, but...
I haven't stopped thinking about him
for the last 10 years.
I was really quite hurt
by all that, you know?
I knew it. Deep down inside I knew that.
But why didn't you ever tell me?
Well, because I wasn't in love with him
and I knew you were...
so, you know...
- He was a shit.
- Oh, yeah. He was a shit.
But when you're in love with a bastard,
you just can't help yourself.
You see, psychologically,
I look up to my father.
You know, I see him as strong,
in spite of everything he's done.
But he doesn't respect women,
and he's never given me the love that I deserve.
And that's why I have this need,
you know, to crave his respect...
and seek his approval.
That's obviously why I choose the men I do.
I don't respect my father at all.
He's weak.
Look what he's done to Thelma.
I don't ever wanna
end up like her, not ever.
And when I look at men,
all I see is dangerous weakness.
I don't want it to be that way.
I just can't help it.
Makes me feel lonely.
- Uh, Hannah.
- What?
Would you like this
for when you find a flat?
No, but you can
stick this up your ass, if you like.
It's hard to believe.
Four years.
- You're crying.
- Oh, God. Am I?
- Here's to us.
- The "Brunty" sisters.
- Oh, yeah. We always get the brunt of everything.
- The brunt of everything.
Mm! I found a photograph of you
and I outside the Bronts' house in Haworth.
- Did you?
- Yeah, I forgot to bring it I wanted to give it to you.
- Oh, that's a shame. I'd have really liked that.
- I know. But I'll send you it.
- Thanks. I loved that trip.
- Yeah. It was good, yeah.
- It was quite a revelation, actually.
- How?
Well, just seeing the way
you were with your family.
You know, everyone being nice
to one another. I wasn't used to it.
I remember you kept
going off on your own.
Yeah. Well, I was overwhelmed, really.
Does your mom
still favoritize Francesca?
Oh, nothing's changed.
Everything Francesca does is brilliant;
everything I do is crap.
It's just not fair, is it?
First it was the mellifluous cello,
and now it's happy families.
- And yet you have always been the one to look after her.
- Oh, I know.
- You're the only person who's ever really appreciated me.
- Am I?
Yeah.
You know, I've never told you this, but...
do you remember all those times I was
meant to come to London and never did?
- Yeah?
- I didn't 'cause I was scared.
- What were you scared of?
- I was scared if I set foot in London, I'd never leave.
And I didn't want to throw me
plans out the window, you see?
Sounds like you should move on,
though, anyway.
Oh, yeah.
I'm ready to now. Yeah.
Be good if you came back
to London, wouldn't it?
Ah, well, who knows.
Mm.
- Yeah, it is. Yeah.
- Oh, look. There's Tottenham Court Road.
Hey, look who this is!
I don't believe it.
- Is that Claire?
- It is, yeah!
- But she's got no makeup on.
- I know.
What a bloody coincidence.
- What's going on, eh?
- I know. It's incredible, isn't it?
The chance of that happening
is one in a million.
You know, seeing two people
like that in the same weekend.
Did you notice where
we were standing as well?
- No.
- We were at a crossroads, weren't we?
Oh, yeah.
Where the two paths meet.
- That's right.
- Oh. Very symbolic.
Must be something in the air.
Hey, Hannah, look where we are.
Yeah.
- Oh! There's that chemist.
- Yeah.
Have you got the right prescription? Ja, ja, ja.
Stupid old fart.
Do you think the flat's still there?
I don't know, actually.
I haven't been that way for ages.
- Could we, uh... you know. Yeah.
- What? Go and see it?
- Got time before the train, haven't we?
- Oh, yeah.
Yeah.
Well, we've got a few minutes anyway.
- I feel like me nan.
- Why?
Every time we went out
on a Sunday run...
she always had to take us to places
where she grew up.
- Oh, no.
- Oh, no.
- Oh, that's a shame, isn't it?
- Typical, eh? Typical.
- Now, that's sad, that is.
- I know. It's terrible.
- I wonder what happened to him.
- Ah, he probably retired.
- Or died.
- Don't.
Well, he couldn't have
gone back to Hong Kong, could he?
Makes me feel so old.
Oh, no. Look at this.
Oh, I used to really like that old door.
- So did I.
- Ohhh.
Wonder who lives here now.
- Hey, look.
- What?
They've got a new CD out.
I haven't listened to them for ages.
Have you?
- Oh, yeah. Now and again, yeah.
- Have you?
This is my old bedroom, up here.
Yeah.
- There's mine. Look.
- Oh, yeah.
Oh, no.
No, I don't believe it.
- It's not, is it?
- It is, it is.
Oh, no, no, no, no.
- This is weird. This is really weird now.
- I know. It's too much, isn't it?
I wanted curry and chips, but, um...
Oh. I'm sorry. I mean,
a coincidence is one thing, you know...
but this is a joke, isn't it?
What are you doing here?
Er, open-top bus, uh, uh...
Ricky.
Plasticine men.
Are you all right?
- Do you know who we are?
- Don't patronize me.
Where's your scabs.
Oh, I don't know, Ricky.
They've gone.
- Why?
- Time. Just time.
- Just goes.
- Yeah. It does, yeah.
- Ticking.
- Passing us by.
Empty. Fuckin' empty.
Uh, how come you're here?
On the stage, weren't you?
Everybody laughing at your snout.
Uh, pig-faced woman.
- Where are you living, Ricky?
- Hartlepool.
When did you come down to London?
Last night, uh, on the bus.
- Where'd you stay?
- I... I...
Ay, ay, ay, carumba!
Like, uh, Carmen Miranda.
You, uh, go, uh, flying
in, uh, the sand...
the desert...
like a big calendar.
See stones. Uh, you can
only see them from the sky.
The eagle's head.
Uh, big woman.
Blocks.
You, uh, wanna hold me elephant?
Uh, yeah, okay.
Like, uh, almost as big as you are.
Who's it for?
She, uh, called me a C-U-N-T.
- I never.
- Not you.
- Who?
- She says I'm not the dad, but I am.
He's gone to Dungeness. Bastard.
Like, uh, nuclear power.
He got a transfer from Hartlepool.
Uh, devil's work.
- You, uh, wanna live forever?
- No.
- Huh?
- I certainly don't.
We don't, Ricky.
Oh. Oh, lovely.
- Ah, the most beautiful...
- What's she called?
He! He's a fucking boy.
- Oh, yeah. Sorry. He's lovely.
- Harry.
- He's great.
- He's in Hastings.
I'm gonna surprise her.
She never answers my letters. I'm gonna
walk in there. Fuck her.
You, uh, wanna have a hold?
- No.
- Go on!
Ah. It's, uh, nice to see you.
You, uh, want a game of snooker?
Uh, no, thanks.
We've got to go.
Oh, it's, um, a good game.
We don't have time.
She's gotta catch a train,
Ricky, so we've gotta go, all right?
I'm not, uh, an idiot.
- Oh, no.
- No. We know you're not.
I'm like an idiot savant.
Just haven't found my savant yet.
- Are you hungry, Ricky?
- He did good chips.
Yeah, he did great chips.
You're not, uh, gonna invite us up
for a cup of tea or summat?
Oh. We haven't lived here
for six years, Ricky.
Yeah. Me nan is dead.
- Oh.
- Ohhh. Sorry to hear that.
She... coughing.
When did that happen then?
Like... She, like,
coughed all her life up.
- Do you live by yourself then?
- Mi-Mind your business.
- What do you care?
- I do care.
- No, you don't.
- I do.
You, uh, don't think about
anybody but yourself.
- That is not true.
- That's not true, Ricky.
Oh, button it, you.
You never liked us anyway.
- I did, actually.
- Shite.
- I thought a lot about you.
- You don't think. Selfish.
- Talk, talk. Garbage!
- That's not true!
Aw, tittle off!
Rancid! Go on! Fuck yeah!
Lesbos!
Oh, Hannah, I can't do this.
- Oh, don't be stupid. Come on.
- I'm really nervous.
He'll be dead chuffed
we've come all this way.
I don't know what to say to him.
- His nan was all right, wasn't she?
- Oh, yeah. She was lovely.
- I bet he's right spoilt.
- Oh, bloody hell.
- This fucking bag keeps falling of me shoulder!
- Give it to me, for fuck's sake!
You're such a moaner, you.
It's great to be by the sea, eh?
- It is, actually, isn't it?
- All this fresh air.
- Yeah. It's wild.
- Huh?
- A bit of ozone.
- Yeah.
Ricky!
Hiya.
What are you doing up here?
- We came to see you.
- See if you was all right.
I'm, uh, fine, like, uh, tip-top...
so you don't need to give a toss.
- Have you heard from college?
- Fuck 'em!
What about your stuff?
That's not very hospitable, is it?
No. He doesn't seem very happy
to see us at all.
- Don't be like that.
- We were worried about you.
- Come, uh, to have a laugh, have you? Take the piss?
- No.
Oh, yeah. Seven hours in a coach
for a laugh. We're not that desperate.
Come to, uh, lead us on
a bit more, have you?
You've upset her now.
You're not the only one who's upset.
Well, all right. That's why we've
come up here, 'cause we care about you.
Well, uh, fuck off back
where you come from!
- Well, fuck you and all!
- Well, fuck you!
Well, I'm sorry we bothered!
Fuck you! Fuck ya!
- Come on.
- Fuck off!
Fuck ya!
Nosy parker!
It's not fair, is it?
No.
I should've got his number.
I shouldn't think he's got a mobile home,
let alone a mobile phone.
Joke.
- What time is it?
- It's just gone quarter past.
Which platform is it, I wonder.
Don't know. It's it Platform 3?
Let's have a look.
- Oh, no. That's it, isn't it?
- Oh, yeah. That's this one.
Yeah. That's right.
I don't mind saying hello at stations,
but I don't like saying good-bye.
I don't like stations.
I like trains though.
- It was really great seeing you.
- Yeah, and you.
- I'll come again soon.
- Well, wait till you're invited.
- Got you a little present, actually.
- You haven't.
- Yes, I have.
- You didn't have to.
I know, but...
You got to ask me a question first.
What about?
A very important question
about your life.
Okay. Uh...
And you gotta say,
"Ms. Mills, Ms. Mills" twice.
Oh, no.
Okay.
Ms. Mills, Ms. Mills...
will I find true happiness soon?
Ta-da!
"Pang." Load of rubbish.
Always was.
Thank you.
It's a very special present.
- See ya.
- Bye.
Ta-ra.
Let's not leave it
six years this time.
No, I won't!
Hey, Hannah, do you think there'll be
any more coincidences on the train?
I don't know. Maybe you'll
meet the man of your dreams.