1
( music playing )
Man #1:
If you had a choice...
Man #2:
Yeah?
...would you rather
love a girl,
or have her
love you?
I'd want it mutual.
If you couldn't
have it mutual.
Would I rather be
the one who loves,
or is loved?
Yeah.
It's not that
easy a question.
I think I'd rather
be in love.
Me, too.
I wouldn't want
to get hurt, though.
You were in love
with Gloria.
I was starting
to be in love with her,
then she let me feel her up
on the first date.
Turned me right off.
You kept going
with her, though.
Well, she let me
feel her up.
( both chuckling )
Yeah, what
about Gwen?
Her I could talk to.
I've never been able
to talk to any girl.
I was really getting
crazy about her.
She's stuck up.
Wouldn't let me
lay a hand on her.
So I went back
to Gloria.
Well, you want
perfection.
What do you want,
wise guy?
She just has to
be nice, that's all.
You wouldn't
want her beautiful?
She doesn't have
to be beautiful.
I would like her
built, though.
I want mine
sexy-looking.
I wouldn't want her
to look like a tramp.
Sexy doesn't mean
she has to look
like a tramp.
There's a middle ground,
you know?
I would want
that, yeah.
Tall, very tall...
Eww, that
would scare me.
( both chuckling )
She should be very
understanding.
Start the same
sentences together.
Yeah, I'd like that.
Big tits...
( both chuckling )
Yeah, but
still a virgin.
I don't care
about that.
Come on.
I wouldn't mind
if she was a little
ahead of me,
with those big tits,
and knew hundreds
of different ways.
I want more
of a companion.
The other stuff
I can get on
the outside.
The first time
I do it,
I want it beautiful.
I don't want to
waste it on some beast.
I feel the same way
about getting laid
as I feel about
going to college.
I'm being pressured
into it.
( whispered conversation )
You like that?
Yeah.
I give her to you.
What's wrong with her?
I'm a generous guy.
Yeah, I'm grateful.
How do I break
the news to her?
You go over there.
Yeah?
There's a way to talk
to girls, you know?
Tell her a joke.
What joke?
Tell her about
your unhappy childhood.
That's not bad.
But don't make it
like an act.
No.
Go ahead.
Go ahead, schmuck.
If you don't, I will.
You?
You can't even stand up.
I fucked up.
It's my turn.
What do you mean,
it's your turn?
She's mine,
you gave her to me.
You struck out.
I get two more times
at bat.
This is
the first time
I've ever been to
a college mixer.
- Me too. I hate them.
- I hate them too.
It's such a phony way
of meeting people.
Everybody
puts on an act.
So, even if you
meet somebody,
you don't know
who you're meeting.
'Cause you're
meeting the act.
That's right,
not the person.
I'm not sure
I agree.
- With what?
- With what you said.
No, I don't either.
You don't agree
with what you said?
How do you
feel about it?
I think people only
like to think they're
putting on an act,
but it's not an act,
it's really them.
If they think it's an act,
they feel better,
because they think
they can always change it.
You mean, they're
kidding themselves,
because it's not
really an act.
Yes, it is an act,
but they're the act.
The act is them.
But if it's them,
then how can it
be an act?
- Because they're an act.
- But they're also real.
- No.
- I'm not real?
- No.
- I'm an act.
It's all right,
I'm an act too.
Don't you behave
differently with
different people?
No.
With your family?
I thought you meant
different people.
Well, sure,
with my family--
And with friends,
you're another way.
Well, sure,
with my friends.
And with your teachers,
you're still another way.
So which one is you?
Well, when you
put it that way...
You ought to be
a lawyer.
I'm gonna be
a lawyer.
A lady lawyer.
Um... you're from
Smith, right?
Uh-huh.
Do you like it?
Yeah, I like it
all right.
Do you like Amherst?
Sure,
why shouldn't I?
My parents worked
very hard to send me.
I'd better like it.
Do you have a name
or something?
Susan.
I'm Sandy.
I think you can
make out with her.
Think so?
She's stuff.
You think so?
I wouldn't kick her
out of bed.
I shouldn't try
somebody else, then?
Who?
( both laughing )
She was the best-looking
girl at the whole mixer.
I'll say that
for her...
Wasn't she?
Her tits were too small.
Yeah, I was
thinking that.
The hell with her.
But her legs were great.
You think so?
Standing so close,
I really couldn't
tell about her legs.
I wouldn't
kick her out of bed.
She's got some
funny ideas.
I wouldn't kick her
out of bed.
Don't rush me,
please.
What's the matter?
I like you
very much, Susan.
It's our third date.
I like you too.
You let me
kiss you last week.
And this week.
If I could kiss you
once last week,
I should be able to
kiss you at least
twice tonight.
- Well?
- You're the only boy
I know that
I can talk to.
I can't see you
being quiet
for any guy.
No, not quiet,
exactly.
But if you know
somebody's not going
to approve of
what you are...
- Whatever that is.
- Whatever that is.
Well, you just
don't tell him.
I mean, if I like
a boy and I want him
to keep liking me,
and I'm brighter
than he is,
I have to not show it
or I'll lose him,
so it's hard.
Well, I wouldn't want
anyone overly bright.
Yeah, but you wouldn't
feel threatened.
I might be bothered
a little.
I don't think
you would nearly as
much as some people.
Now, for instance,
someday I want to
write novels.
Not now, but you know,
later on,
when I have
something to say.
Now, that doesn't
threaten you, does it?
- No...
- ( bell tolling )
Maybe a little.
Don't press so hard.
See, it's better
when it's gentle.
See?
What are you
grinning at?
Did you
feel her up yet?
Come on,
I like this girl.
I don't want
to ruin things.
Was I right
about kissing her?
Listen, we had
a big fight over it.
And you won?
Well, I don't know
if I won or not.
Why are you
letting yourself
be pushed around?
You're the one who's
pushing me around!
I guess I won.
Sure, I won.
She kissed me
five times.
Now, that's when
you should've
put your hand
on her tit.
Come on, when this girl's
nice enough to kiss me,
I should do that to her?
You act as if she's
doing you a favor.
Well, it is sort of
a favor, isn't it?
I mean, when a girl
lets you kiss her
and, you know,
go on from there.
Feel her up
and, you know,
the rest of it.
Go all the way
and the rest of it.
I mean,
isn't it a favor?
What's in it for her?
I mean, if she's not
getting paid or anything.
Fuck you.
( laughing )
Okay, okay,
I'll feel her up.
Sandy, please take
your hand off my breast.
- Why?
- 'Cause I want you to.
How can it be any
fun for you if you
know I don't want it?
I didn't say
it was fun.
Then why is your
hand where it is?
Because,
the way we're going,
by this time,
I should be
feeling you up.
I don't feel that way
about you, Sandy.
I feel that way
about you.
Well, you want me
to feel something
for you too,
don't you?
I thought
you liked me.
I do like you,
but I like you
for other reasons.
So...
So... if we went
any further,
there wouldn't be
those reasons anymore.
Well, we might have
something else, though.
What?
Something else.
You're the first girl
I've ever done that
to, Susan.
( sighs )
I didn't know that.
It doesn't show?
No.
( sighs )
Well, it's something we both
have to go through, I guess.
Susan, are you
a virgin?
What do I do
with my other hand?
What are you gonna
do with your hands?
Jonathan:
And then what?
Sandy:
She told me to take
my hand off her breast.
- What did you do?
- I said I didn't want to.
Then what?
She said how could
it be fun for me if
she didn't like it?
Oh, Jesus.
- I said I thought
she liked me.
- Yeah?
She said, "I like you
for other reasons."
Other reasons?
So, I told her how
I really needed this.
What did you
tell her?
You know, that it was
my first time.
Your first time what?
What did you say exactly?
I don't remember
exactly.
That she was the first girl
I ever tried to feel up.
- You told her that?
- Was it a mistake?
I wouldn't.
Then she got nicer
to me.
What do you mean
nicer?
She put my hand
on her breast.
You mean you put it on,
she left it there.
No, she picked it up
and put it on.
She took your hand
like this?
And put it on
like this?
That's right.
So, I didn't know
what to think.
You didn't, huh?
For just wanting
to be friends,
she's suddenly getting
pretty aggressive.
Yeah, then what?
I asked her
if she was a virgin.
- You're kidding.
- Was that a mistake?
Anyhow, she is.
She says.
So now you got, what,
one hand or two hands
on her tits?
By this time, she's
put the other hand
on the other one.
She put both hands on?
Two hands?
So I said,
"What are you gonna
do with your hands?"
You didn't say that.
It just came out.
Yeah, then what?
Let me see
if I got this.
She unzipped my fly.
Bullshit artist!
Then what?
Then what?
Then she did it.
Did what?
Bullshit artist!
She really did
that to you?
- She did that?
- Yeah.
( both laughing )
Hello, is this Susan?
Well, you don't know me.
I'm a friend of Sandy's.
His roommate.
Yeah, Jonathan.
He told you about me?
Yeah, so,
I'm just here at Smith
for tonight,
practically on campus.
I was just taking
a drive, you know,
and I found myself
practically on campus.
How do you like Smith?
What's your major?
Where did you go
to high school?
What do you do
in the summer?
Do you always answer
a question with
a question?
Do you always date
your best friend's
girlfriends?
Sandy told me
you were beautiful.
He told me
you were sexy.
I guess he's
just a poor judge.
I guess he meant
you had personality.
Good grief.
You have
a special quality.
I like girls
who are special.
I'm hardly
that special.
Some people you can
tell about right away.
Most girls I talk to
it's like we're spies
from foreign countries
and we're speaking in code.
Everything means
something else.
Like, I say,
"Would you like
to take a walk?"
And it means
something else.
And she says, "I can't.
I've got a French
test tomorrow."
And it means
something else.
And you say,
"I'll come over
and help you study."
And it means
something else.
You're very sharp,
I like that.
And that means
something else.
You're too sharp.
Does that bother you?
It interests me.
Is that more code?
We'd be good together.
I'm dating
your best friend.
He won't mind.
- How do you know?
- I won't tell him.
What if I mind?
You want to
go out Friday?
I'm seeing Sandy.
Saturday?
I have a date.
Sunday?
I'm seeing my folks.
Where do they live?
Newton.
Sunday night?
I'll be too tired.
I'll help you
get over your folks.
How about it, Susan?
What are you so afraid of?
Not you.
( bell tolling )
I think I'm in love.
Mmm...
I think I'm in love.
Bullshit artist.
I really think so.
Did you get in yet?
What's that got
to do with it?
How do you know
if you don't know
how you are
in bed together?
Well, that's
not everything.
It's a lot.
She tells me thoughts
I didn't even
know I had until
she tells them to me.
It's unbelievable.
I can talk to her.
You can talk to me too.
Are you in love with me?
I can say things
to her
I wouldn't dare
say to you.
What, for instance?
Things you'd laugh at.
I'm laughing now.
( laughing )
She thinks
I'm sensitive.
Sensitive?
( laughs )
Sensitive?
Oh, boy!
Whoa-ho!
What do you talk
to her about, flowers?
Books.
Books?
You phony,
I read more books
than you do.
Yeah, well,
I'm gonna start.
I'm reading
"The Fountainhead."
"The Fountainhead."
What's that?
It's her
favorite book.
You ever hear of
"Jean-Christophe"?
What's that?
It's a classic,
you moron.
Gonna read it after
"The Fountainhead."
Yeah, you ever read
"Guadalcanal Diary"
- by Richard Tregaskis?
- No.
That was a best seller
and I read it.
Ever read
"Gentleman's Agreement"
by Laura Z. Hobson?
You ever read
"A Bell For Adano"
by John Hersey?
I'm gonna read
everything from now on.
I read more than you do.
So who's the one
who's sensitive?
You or me?
Come on,
who's sensitive?
I've had a very
messed-up childhood.
What does
your father do?
He fails.
- ( chuckles )
- It's not funny.
I'm sorry.
Were you very poor?
My father couldn't
hold on to a job.
He kept giving
me advice.
The more he failed,
the more advice I got.
He's a Communist,
my father.
We're Republicans.
Sometimes I think
I'm a Communist, though.
Me, too.
We have so much,
and other people have,
you know,
so little.
After I get set up
as a lawyer,
what I'd really
like to do is go
into politics,
public service.
What really
gets me is I was
too young to fight
in the war, because
what was that all about
except to prove that
if everybody
pitches in,
the plain people
have a chance.
So, even though
I'm the first
in my family to
get an education,
I don't ever
want to forget
where I came from.
You're a lot more
serious than I thought.
I know.
Sandy: Where did
you meet her?
Jonathan:
I'm another person
with her.
You wouldn't
recognize me.
The things that
come out of my mouth.
Boy, she really
sounds like something.
Is she built?
She's, uh...
she's got a quality.
She doesn't talk much,
but the things
she says are so sharp.
We should
double-date sometime.
Well...
I want to know her
a little better, you know,
before we double-date.
Gee, isn't it great?
A month ago,
neither of us
even knew a girl.
What's her name?
Myrtle.
( Susan gasping )
( moaning )
Bullshit artist!
( whooping )
You're kidding!
You're not kidding me?
You really did it!
You bastard!
You beat me to it!
What's up?
( laughing )
Next is my turn.
I don't think
she'll do it, Sandy.
She will.
I've just been
taking it easy on her.
Sandy, believe me,
find somebody else.
Are you crazy,
when I'm right
on the verge?
I'll see her
tomorrow night.
Uh, Sandy?
Yeah.
Do you ever talk
to her about me?
Yeah, sure, sometimes.
Do me a favor,
will you?
What?
Don't tell her
I got laid.
Please, Susan.
Sometimes
I want to do it,
and a second later,
I don't want to do it.
Let's do it.
I don't know why
you put up with me.
I don't think
I can do it.
It really hurts, Susan.
Let me--
Not anymore.
Please, Sandy.
Not anymore.
Susan, let's do it.
I love you.
Do you have anything?
How long have you
had that?
- Not too long.
- ( bell tolling )
Not a year or anything?
I'm sure it's okay.
I don't wanna
take any chances.
These things
have to be okay.
It's okay.
I'm positive it's okay.
Jonathan:
It's as if you're
the first guy
in history
who ever got laid.
Sandy: I'm the first guy
in my history who
ever got laid.
I like it too,
but you don't hear
me crowing about it.
There's such a thing
as good taste, you know?
- What's the matter
with you?
- Jeez!
After you started scoring,
what did I get out of you?
"We did it standing,
sitting, in the car,
under the car.
Myrtle, Myrtle,
Myrtle..."
Maybe you forget,
but I knew Susan before
you knew Myrtle,
and who scored
first? You.
That didn't make me
feel very good,
you know?
In fact, it made me
feel very jealous.
But did I try
to shut you up?
Did I say,
"I'm tired of hearing
about it already"?
I didn't say it,
'cause I'm your friend,
so I sat through it.
Okay, okay.
You made your point.
Sometimes I think
I'm a better friend
to you
than you are to me.
( music playing )
( laughing )
Sandy:
Didn't you
ever do that?
Of course, I...
I knew what the word
"misled" meant.
I just
didn't know...
( laughing )
So, when I first
saw it in print,
I thought it
was "myzeled"!
He had been
"myzeled."
I kept wondering,
what does this
word mean? "Myzeled"?
Jonathan:
Sexy. Let's "myzle."
Has anybody ever heard
of "Round John Virgin"?
One of the guys
in "Robin Hood."
That's Little John!
What did you say?
Round John...?
Round John Virgin.
Is that
in Falstaff?
"Round John Virgin
mother and child."
Round John Virgin
mother...?
Holy infant
so tender and mild
All right,
gunshee.
Gunshee?
G-u-n-s-h-y,
gunshee.
Gun-shy...
I always thought
it was gunshee.
Susan, do the one
about the bear.
You'll love
this, John.
Oh, yeah, the hymn
we used to sing in church
about the bear
with crossed eyes?
Whose name was Gladly.
Gladly the bear?
Don't you know it?
Gladly the cross-eyed bear.
Gladly the cross-eyed
bear, get it?
Gladly the cross...
oh, Gladly the
cross-eyed bear!
( laughing )
All right,
pronounce this:
c-h-o-p-h-o-u-s-e.
Chophuse...
Chophus...?
( laughing )
Chophouse.
( laughing )
This has to stop.
I don't know
how to tell him.
You don't
have any trouble
telling him a lot
of other things.
- What does that mean?
- The way you talk to him.
I don't ever hear you
talking to me that way.
What way?
I don't know.
He's very
vulnerable.
I don't want
to hurt him.
You're hurting me.
He loves me.
That's no reason
to go to bed with him.
You would have just
gone on, wouldn't you,
if he hadn't told me?
I don't know.
I would have never
known a thing about it.
I don't know,
maybe.
Boy, you're
really something.
I don't feel
like something.
I feel
like nothing.
How much longer do you
expect me to take this?
I'm trying
to tell him.
I see how
you're trying.
It's not my fault.
I don't enjoy
these fights.
Listen, it's me you're
supposed to be in love with.
- I'm gonna tell him.
- What?
- I'm gonna tell him
about you and me.
- No, Jonathan!
Why don't you
give me some of
the understanding
that you give to him?
You're stronger.
You tell him
everything else.
You can
tell him about us.
What do you mean,
I tell him everything?
Who says so?
He tells me,
he's my best friend.
Are you
going to tell him?
He's so helpless.
Susan, I love you.
Why can't you be
more with me
like you
are with Sandy?
( chuckling )
She says she's
no good for me.
Maybe she's trying
to let you down easy.
( laughing )
Go ahead and laugh.
It adds up.
( laughing )
Go ahead and laugh.
You know every mood
of mine like you know
every mood of his.
- No.
- How come?
- I don't know.
- You don't tell me
thoughts I never knew I had.
- Does he say I do that?
- Yes.
- Then I guess I must.
- You do it all right,
so do it with me.
I can't.
You can do it with him,
you can do it with me.
Now tell me my thoughts.
- I can't.
- Why can't you?
I can't with you.
This has gone
far enough.
I cannot stand
any more ultimatums.
This is my last one.
Now, tonight,
you tell him about us,
or tomorrow, I tell him.
Look at me, Susan!
Now tell me
my goddamn thoughts!
Hello.
You didn't do it,
did you?
No.
Why not?
He looks at me
with such trust.
How do I
look at you?
With bitterness.
It used to be trust.
At least
you know my thoughts.
Did you tell him?
What do you think?
No.
So, what
do we do now?
( clears throat )
I don't know.
I guess
I get an ultimatum.
Do you think there's
any sense in this?
In what?
In you and me.
That's up to you.
No, it's up to you.
I don't see
any point in it.
I wish
I were wrong.
I don't feel
anything anymore.
Neither do I.
The reason I didn't
say anything to Sandy...
I knew he wouldn't
believe me.
And I'd go into details
so he would have
to believe me.
And I knew he'd come
running to you,
and I knew you'd
tell him everything
I said was true,
and I knew
then you'd go
to bed with him.
Yeah, that sounds
like what would happen.
( sighs )
So?
So?
Jonathan...
I'll always be your friend.
Jesus, Susan, I hope not.
Sandy:
It's going to be buggy.
Susan: It's not
going to be buggy.
It's the tropics.
What do you mean?
It's the jungle.
You can't
cover yourself
from head to toe.
I'll get
eaten alive.
You don't know
what it's like.
You've never
camped out before.
Isn't he being
silly, Jonathan?
- I am not.
- Are too.
- Am not.
- Are too.
You're a real
city boy.
How about the cot?
Come on, sweetie,
we've got a sleeping bag.
You're really serious
about sleeping
on the ground?
You are a baby.
Christ, this
knapsack's heavy.
Well, I told you
you overpacked.
What in the world
do you plan to do
with a pillowcase?
Put it back.
Well, you are a nut.
Isn't he a nut,
Jonathan?
You pack your things.
Let me pack mine.
I'm just
trying to help.
Well, help
your own stuff.
You have
packing to do.
We don't
even have room.
We're going
in a little car...
( music playing )
Jesus...
You want her?
I wouldn't
kick her out of bed.
Will you look at
the pair on her?
Get a look at that
schmuck trying to
keep up with her.
They're always
with guys like that.
That guy must be
60 if he's a day.
Maybe he'll
have a heart attack.
You could save his life.
Get her number
and fuck her.
( both laugh )
You bastard...
Bastard...
How's Susan?
Couldn't be better.
I always said it,
and I say it now.
You found yourself
a jewel.
She is a jewel.
Not bad, that one.
Listen, you must
be getting more
than your share.
I'd get married in
a minute if I could
find the right girl.
Bullshit artist.
You and your
actress friends.
Are you kidding,
Doctor?
You're the one
that's got the deal.
I mean,
what can I say?
"Take your
clothes off, baby,
I wanna check your
capital gains."
I just look.
( coughs )
Sure, you do.
I really do.
Susan's plenty enough
woman for one man.
Hey, look at that.
Jonathan:
That's Sally Joyce.
Didn't I see her
on Ed Sullivan?
I fucked her once.
Bullshit artist.
We used to
do her taxes.
She's with
another firm now.
Why don't you
say hello?
She wouldn't remember me.
She's a real
ball-buster, that one.
I've been
through the mill
with her kind.
Yeah?
You think a girl
goes for you,
and you find out
she's after
your money or
your balls...
or your money
and your balls.
Women today
are better hung
than the men.
I should have
your problems.
It's not as easy getting
laid as it used to be.
I don't think
I fuck more than
a dozen new girls
a year now.
Maybe I'm too much
of a perfectionist.
This last one
came so close
to being what I wanted.
Good pair of tits on her--
Not a great pair.
Almost no ass at all,
and that bothered me.
Sensational legs.
I would have
settled for the legs,
if she had just
two more inches here
and three more here.
Anyhow...
that took two years
out of my life.
You don't want a family?
I don't want
to put it down,
but who needs it?
You can't make fucking
your life's work.
Don't tell me what
I can and can't do.
You're so well-off?
( music playing )
Susan's a very good
homemaker.
Very efficient.
I come home, everything
is in its place...
which I like,
because it's tiring
putting in a full day
at the office,
then Doctors' Hospital
for a couple of hours.
So it's nice
to have everything
in its place
when I get home.
A martini,
dinner, the kids.
We don't watch
much television.
We like to read
aloud to each other.
We used to have
more friends than we do,
but we don't have
that many anymore.
So, on weekends
we might entertain a little
or go over to see a friend.
Come into town,
see a play or a good film.
It's not glamorous
or anything.
There are other
things besides glamour.
( music playing )
You have
a long lifeline.
I like that.
The way you run your
nail across my...
You're difficult
to get along with.
Me?
- Mm-hmm.
- Bobbie...
You always know
your own mind.
Right this minute,
anyway.
You won't stop
going after
what you want
until you get it.
Let me see
your hand.
Ahh... mmm...
Well?
You are built.
You see that
in my hand?
Even your hand
is built.
I think you're
a dirty old man.
I'm a dirty
young man.
How old are you?
How old do you
think I am?
( laughing )
No...
20?
No.
21?
22?
No.
24?
You skipped 23.
23?
No.
( both laughing )
24?
No.
25?
26?
No.
27?
You're getting warm.
28?
No.
29?
I like going out
with older women.
Are you married?
Are you kidding?
You don't want
to get married?
I'd marry you
in a minute.
Can you cook?
Spaghetti.
I can cook
spaghetti.
Good,
you do the cooking.
What will you do?
What would you
like me to do?
What would you
like to do?
I asked you first.
Well, I'm not gonna
answer you first.
Well...
I can sew.
Doesn't sound like
much of a marriage.
Me cooking spaghetti,
and you sewing.
You want a divorce?
I'll take you for
every cent you got.
I didn't know
I was marrying
a gold digger.
Mm-hmm...
You won't
take pity on me?
Only if you say
you're sorry.
I'm sorry.
And you'll never
do it again.
I'll never
do it again.
And you'll always
be a good boy.
Yes, Mama.
You like
to be mothered?
I'd like to be
smothered by you.
What else would you
like me to do to you?
Well...
How do you like it?
How do I like what?
My, uh... you know.
What do I know?
You know everything.
I know you.
And I know you.
Mmm...
- Dream
- ( moaning )
When you're feeling blue
Dream
That's the thing to do
Just
Watch the smoke rings
Rise in the air
You'll find your share
Of memories there
So
Dream
When the day is through...
Wow... I almost
came that time.
( laughing )
( music playing )
Help!
Oh, nurse?
What is it,
Mr. Weisenborn?
Will you come in here
a minute, please?
Certainly,
Mr. Weisenborn.
Why,
Mr. Weisenborn!
Bobbie:
Most guys
I know are pricks.
( sighing )
I don't know anymore
what they want.
Jonathan:
I'll be happy
to tell you.
They want...
( slapping )
the boodle.
But they ain't
gonna get the boodle.
Goddamn right.
Because this kid here
has got the boodle.
You're pretty
sure of yourself,
aren't you?
Mmm...
( sighing )
You're a nice man.
And you're
a very lucky girl.
( chuckling )
( shower running )
( Jonathan humming )
You know something, Sam?
( Jonathan imitating
Humphrey Bogart )
What is it, sweetheart?
You think it would be
a fatal mistake
in our lives
if we shacked up?
It's very difficult,
Bobbie.
These last
couple of weeks,
we get along
so well together.
The idea...
I like you very much.
So much...
this idea...
to be perfectly honest,
I mean,
it sounds
very good to me.
Let's both give it
a couple of days
to think about it.
It sounds, like...
well, very good.
Very, very, uh...
well... good.
Only, our eyes
should be open.
If we should
go into this,
we should know exactly
what we're getting into.
It's just a shack-up.
I'm not asking for
your hand in marriage.
Yeah, well,
as long as we both
understand that.
We do.
I just thought
it's better
to get it all
out on the table,
( coughs )
so later, there can be
no possibility
of a misunderstanding.
I don't know how
many business deals
I've seen come to grief--
Okay...
Okay.
You're a real prick,
you know that?
Prick?
I could very easily
get serious about this girl.
She's a lot of fun
to be with.
This is just between
the two of us,
but for the last year or so,
I've been having...
I don't know,
a little trouble.
I wasn't worried,
but still and all...
a little trouble with...
well, myself.
You know...
getting hard.
It took a long time,
and you know how
girls are today,
they judge you.
They judge you
very quickly.
So, uh...
I had a real rough time
a couple of times.
Some very nasty innuendos.
And, as I say,
I wasn't
too worried, but...
I won't lie to you,
I was a little worried.
Then along
comes this Bobbie.
I get one look at the size
of the pair on her
and I never
had a doubt I'd ever be
anything but okay again,
and I was, I was.
With all our kidding,
back and forth on our
first night together,
I don't mind telling you
I had tears in my eyes.
She's really the girl
in the airline commercial?
You lucky
son of a bitch.
I don't know.
I don't want
to get in over my head.
I got in over my head
three, four times already,
and you have to be
a real bastard.
I don't like being
put in that position.
What would you do?
If she looks anything like
she looks on television...
Size 38, with a D cup.
But looks aren't everything.
Believe me,
looks are everything.
Maybe.
I'm hungry.
I'll get up.
Why do we always
have to eat so late?
Because I work
late, dumb-o.
Why do you
work at all?
Brings in extra money.
I make enough.
You want me
to quit working?
I thought you were
bored with it.
I am.
So quit.
What'll I do?
What do
other women do?
Have children.
Well, you asked me.
( shower running )
( Jonathan humming )
( music plays at low volume )
( music playing on television )
So until the day
that one comes along
I'll sing
my song with you
For every little
fault that you have
Say I've got
three or four
The human little
faults you do have
Just make me
love you more
You may not be an angel
But still
I'm sure you'll do
So until the day
that one comes along
I'll string along
With you.
Voices on TV:
Hey, was that you?
- Yeah, that was me.
- No kidding.
( television continues
at low volume )
What about my beer?
We're all out.
I really
wanted a beer.
Do you want me to
run out to the corner?
You're too tired.
I'm tired,
but I don't mind.
I'll get it.
No, I'll get it.
It's my fault.
I knew I should have
reminded you
when I called
this afternoon.
I'm sorry, honey.
You're more
tired now
than when you
were working.
I'm in the house
all day.
Did you get up
at all today?
What do you do?
I mean,
when you're
not telephoning?
I'm not on the phone
that much.
It took me
45 minutes
to get through
this afternoon.
I'll go
get the beer.
No, I'll go.
I thought you
were too tired.
I haven't
been out all day.
Fresh air will
do you good.
Will you walk
with me?
Then I may as well
go myself.
( music from the TV )
To sing my love song too
And until the day
that one comes along
I'll sing
my song with you
For every little
fault that you have...
Wanna make love?
We haven't
in a week.
Is it a week?
It's funny.
Susan and I do all
the right things.
We undress in front
of each other.
We spend 15 minutes
on foreplay.
We experiment,
do it in different rooms.
It's a seven-room house.
We don't believe in
making a ritual of it.
We do it when
we feel like it.
We don't feel we have to
be passionate all the time.
Sometimes it's even
more fun necking.
We're considerate of
each other's feelings.
I had a tendency--
men, I guess, have--
to be selfish.
But I stopped.
I don't do that now.
We try to be patient,
and we are patient,
gentle with each other.
( sighs )
Maybe it's just not
meant to be enjoyable
with women you love.
Sandy...
do you want to get laid?
( sighs )
Please.
Sandy: Very nice.
Jonathan:
Very nice indeed.
Indeed. Watch out.
I almost had it.
Sure,
you almost had it.
I almost had it.
Right, Cindy?
See that, Cindy?
He was lucky.
That's all.
Bastard,
that was out!
- Bullshit it was!
- Oh, bullshit.
Let Cindy
be the judge.
We'll do it over,
all right?
All right.
Fair's fair.
Deuce!
You see that shot,
Cindy?
Now we got
some tennis.
Hey!
Game!
Luck!
Luck, my ass!
Whoo-hoo!
You want to
take me on, Cindy?
It's my turn.
Oh, come on, Bobbie,
you're so awful.
You serve.
Very nice.
Hey, you play well.
Hey, Sandy, will you
look at this girl?
Terrific, Cindy.
Whoo! Hey!
She's racking me up.
I'm not kidding.
Look at this.
She's racking me up.
Beautiful.
Boy, will you
look at this?
40-love.
And I'm not taking
it easy on her either.
You and Lord & Taylor's
are gonna
have to work out
a trial separation.
I had the water running.
What did you say?
You and Lord & Taylor's
are going to
have to work out
a trial separation.
Look at the date.
What do you mean?
Five months ago.
( sighs )
I'm sorry I cost you
so much money.
( telephone ringing )
( ringing continues )
I want
to get married.
( door slams )
Are you tired
of me, Jonathan?
Am I ever.
- The answer is yes.
- I didn't say yes.
You said, "Am I ever."
I need more
in life than this.
Who put you up to this?
Your psychiatrist?
After a long,
exhaustive bed hunt,
you finally chose me.
Cindy's not
a virgin either!
What?
Oh, I get it.
Is that what
brought this on?
Your mind
is unbelievable.
You have to have
a low opinion of me
thinking that I would
do that to Sandy.
Oh, no, you wouldn't
want to cheat on Sandy.
Oh, now it's Sandy.
Well, he spends
half his life over here.
Wait a minute.
A second ago you
had me screwing Cindy.
Who am I screwing
now, Sandy?
You're going
too fast for me.
I'm going too fast for you?
Your little mind
operates like an IBM,
like a pinball machine.
First Cindy.
Oh, no, not Cindy?
How about Sandy?
How about Cindy and Sandy?
Talk about the pot
calling the kettle.
The day I got an earful
of your checkered past,
I felt like a celibate.
You made me tell you.
Sure, I twisted
your arm.
It got you hot!
Something has to.
You have such contempt for me.
Kid, you worked
hard for it.
It's yours.
The way you paw me
at parties.
Now affection is contempt.
Upside down.
Everything upside down.
Feeling me up
in public is
not affection.
Will you come on?
I know I sleep all day.
I know I'm doing
a terrible job,
but you're
not helping me any.
And who helps me?
I help you.
Your kind of help
I can do without.
Can you?
Can you really?
Ahh!
You'll do anything you can
to ruin my day, won't you?
I got up today
feeling so good.
You couldn't
leave us alone.
- We were doing so well.
- What?
At one time-- at one time,
it was great what we had.
The kidding around.
It can't have a natural
time span?
Affairs can't dissolve
in a good way.
There's always
got to be poison.
I don't see why.
I really don't see why!
Jonathan, do you
want it over between us?
Why does it have to be
one way or the other?
You don't want me to leave?
I want you right here
where you belong!
And what about you?
When I'm here, I'm here.
When I'm not here, I'm there.
- Where?
- Wherever?
No.
I'm a man-eater
or a ball-buster
and a castrator.
I want to get married.
All right, where
the fuck is my shoehorn?
This place is a mess!
There's not any food
in the house!
Half the time, you look
like you fell out of bed!
You spend more time in bed
than any other human being
past the age of six months
than I ever heard of!
The reason I sleep
all day is because
I can't stand my life!
What life?!
Sleeping all day!
( sobbing )
You say that sort of thing,
I fall in love with you
all over again.
Marry me, Jonathan.
Please, marry me.
You're trying to kill me.
Marriage isn't death.
Why now?
Because two years ago,
I slept eight hours.
A year ago, it was 12.
It's up to 15 now.
Pretty soon,
it's gonna be 24.
What are you trying
to do, scare me?
- I need a life!
- Get a job!
I don't want a job.
I want you.
I'm taken, by me!
Get out of the house!
Do something useful,
God damn it!
You wouldn't let me work
when I wanted to.
That was a year ago.
You throw a tantrum
every time you call
and I'm not home.
Look, sister,
I'm out there in the jungle
eight hours a day!
You wouldn't even
let me canvass for Kennedy.
You want a job?
I got a job for you!
Fix up this pigsty!
You get a pretty
goddamn good salary
for testing out
this bed all day!
You want
an extra $50 a week?
Try vacuuming!
You want an extra 100?
Make this goddamn bed!
Try opening some
goddamn windows!
That's why you can't
stand up in here!
The goddamn place
smells like a coffin!
Oh... Bobbie.
You don't need me.
Why do you let yourself in
for this kind of abuse?
Walk out.
Leave me.
Please leave me.
God's sake, I'd almost
marry you if you'd leave me.
You call that abuse?
You don't know
what I'm used to.
With all
your carrying on,
to me you're a gift.
So what's it gonna be?
You sure know how
to screw things up.
So where does that
leave us?
Are you giving me
an ultimatum?
Is this an ultimatum?
Answer me,
you ball-busting,
castrating,
son-of-a-cunt bitch!
Is this an ultimatum
or not?!
Because if it is,
I'm gonna tell you
what you can do
with your ultimatum!
I'm gonna tell you
what you can do with it!
You can make
this goddamn bed!
That's what
you can do with it!
Goddamn clean
these filthy sheets!
That's what
you can do with it!
( door buzzer sounding )
She's not ready.
We're a little early.
You're looking
good, Cindy.
I do my best.
Will Bobbie be long?
Uh, no.
Hey, uh...
do we have to
go to this party?
How about it, Cindy?
Where's
the powder room?
Uh, right there.
I'm going.
You do what you want.
Man, she's
really something.
I'm so bored,
I'm going out of my mind.
Bored? With that?
You must be kidding.
You have to go
to this party?
Stick around.
- No, it's better that I go.
- ( door opens, closes )
Hey, I just
did my hair.
I've got this
at home.
How's your
tennis game,
Jonathan?
We'll have to have
a rematch.
Anytime.
( music playing )
Is she always
that way?
You know women.
Boy, is she
competitive.
She is very
competitive,
but I find that
attractive.
You know her problem?
She wants balls.
She's all right.
I'm not criticizing.
I wish she were
more feminine.
She is a little
masculine.
I just wish she wouldn't
always demand her own way.
She's got a great
body on her.
I have to treat her
like a child,
give her everything
she wants.
I wouldn't mind
giving her something.
You got Bobbie.
I should only
have it that good.
Ohh... Bobbie.
Bobbie,
are you kidding?
I've never seen
a body like that.
She could do with
a little more of
what Cindy's got.
She's so goddamn
passive.
Yeah, I wouldn't
mind Cindy just
lying still once.
She's so busy handing out
instructions in bed.
It's like
close-order drill.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind
a little of that,
as long as she doesn't
forget who's boss.
Hey, uh...
you wouldn't want
to swap sometime,
would you?
Are you serious?
What do you say?
Might liven
things up a bit.
( both laughing )
She can miss one party.
Leave her to me.
What about Bobbie?
She's so mad at me,
she'll jump
all over you
just for revenge.
Hey, you like
that, huh?
Seriously?
She's in the bedroom.
If you're quiet,
you can do it
and she won't
even know.
- ( both laughing )
- You bastard.
Give me a minute.
( music playing )
Tell Sandy
it's time to leave.
I hope you dance better
than you play tennis.
Sandy won't mind.
What's Sandy got
to do with it?
You're his girl.
He said it would
be okay.
( music stops )
What did Sandy say?
( sighing )
That you and me, uh...
you know.
That was his idea.
You had nothing
to do with it?
A little.
A little
or a lot?
This much.
I'm surprised it took you
this long to get around to it.
Sandy and I have
a party to go to.
Sandy's busy.
You wanna come around
sometime by yourself,
that's one thing.
I've been expecting that.
But you tell Sandy
that if he lays
one hand
on that tub of lard
in there,
not to come home.
So you call me.
Jesus!
Sandy:
She's semicomatose.
Better send a resuscitation
unit and an airway.
Be ready to give her
an IV on admission.
It's on...
Tell him we'll put her
in intensive care.
Bastard.
( gasping )
Very slick.
Very clever!
Well, it's not going
to work, Bobbie!
( music playing )
Jonathan:
That's Bonnie,
my first love.
She lived
upstairs from us.
We started
exposing ourselves
to each other at 10.
We got caught on the roof
one day by my mother
who washed my mouth
out with soap.
I never
got the connection.
Here's Emily,
my first steady.
Until she moved
off the block at 11,
I never laid
a hand on her.
Um, Mildred,
I think,
this one's name was.
She followed
me around at school.
The fellas
kidded me about her.
I warned her
if she didn't stop,
I'd beat her up.
She picked up her skirt,
dropped her drawers
and shoved her ass at me.
So I got my first
sight of ass at 12.
Marcia, 13 1/2
or thereabouts,
I kissed her one night
at a spin-the-bottle party.
This one's Rosalie.
Rosalie looked just
like Elizabeth Taylor
in "National Velvet."
I had a crush on Rosalie
from 14 to 15
and I never went near her.
In those days,
we had illusions.
Here's Charlotte.
Not much on looks,
but great tits for 15.
That's Lenny Hartman's
sister.
My first French kiss,
16 years old.
Here's Gloria,
the best-built
girl at Evander Childs.
I took her to
the Bronx Zoo once
and on the bus,
copped a cheap feel.
Here's Gwen.
I went with her
for a year
trying to get her
to put out,
but she thought
I was too nice
and was saving me
for marriage.
Every guy at Evander
must have gotten into
her pants except me.
Here's my first--
no, that one was a mistake.
Here's Eileen,
my very first fuck.
She was a modern
dancer at Swarthmore.
Great body on her.
What a waste-- frigid.
Here's Nancy. Sweet kid.
She went into biology.
Very frigid.
Here's Bobbie!
My wife.
The fastest
tits in the West
and king of
the ball-busters.
She conned
me into marrying her
and now she's killing me
with alimony.
Don't know how
this one get in here?
This is my
little girl, Wendy.
"Princess," I call her.
Isn't she a dreamboat?
Here's a real cunt.
I forget her name.
A Nazi.
I banged her in Berlin.
Here's something
I went with
for a couple of months.
First time I banged her
was on a yacht race
to Nassau.
This slob I went with
for a year
until I got so sick
of her ball-busting,
I couldn't
get it up anymore.
I can't remember her name.
This was
my Jap in the sack.
I heard that Oriental
girls were different.
Not in America,
they're not.
Here's a 16-year-old
I gave 20 bucks to
one night in the village
when I was drunk.
Maybe you
know her, Jennifer.
She gave me a dose.
( imitating Porky Pig )
Th-th-th-that's all, folks.
What are
you crying for?
It's not
a Lassie movie.
Sorry about that.
Or something.
So, what else is new?
To tell you the truth,
I don't see
anybody anymore.
Neither do we.
Well, you've
got each other.
I thought she was
your daughter
when you first
came in.
In a lot of ways,
she's older
than I am.
Yeah.
She knows worlds
I can't even begin
to touch yet.
Sandy, please.
I found out
who I am.
You're in big trouble.
Same old Jonathan.
Indubitably.
Let me talk to her
about you, John.
Talk to her about me?
I'm 40, she's nine.
You just don't
get it, do you?
Oh, I get it,
all right.
I've been getting it
for a long time.
What's the point?
Sandy, you found
a good piece of ass.
God bless you.
You're my friend,
I'm happy for you.
As long as it lasts,
I'm happy for you.
You deserve to be happy.
I mean it.
Why fight? Okay?
All those games.
Jesus Christ!
You don't need those
games, Jonathan.
I know. I've played
more games than anyone.
The obedient son game.
The bright student game.
- The cocksman's game.
- Some cocksman.
The respectable
husband game.
The good father game.
- The specialist game.
- Good father?
Games don't
impress Jennifer.
Just life, just love.
Yeah, well,
I don't want
to argue
with you, Sandy.
So let's just agree
to disagree, okay?
Don't make me mad, okay?
Jennifer knows
more at 18
than Susan knows
to this day.
You found yourself
a real jewel, okay?
She's my love teacher.
Finally got it
up, huh?
You give off
such bad vibrations.
Bad vibrations?
Sandy, I love you,
but you're a schmuck.
You were always
young, Sandy, open.
You were schmucky
a lot of the time,
but maybe schmuckiness
is what you need
to stay young
and open.
Listen...
don't listen to me.
You're doing great,
and I'm making money.
You can find what
I found, Jonathan.
Don't make me
insult you.
Women...
All ball-busters, right?
You know it.
When you think of
some of the things
he has to dip into,
any guy with a conscience
has a right to turn soft.
Am I right, Louise?
You're always
right, lover.
I don't think
we're going to have
any trouble tonight.
- You don't?
- No, I don't.
Are you sure?
You wanna bet?
How much?
The sky's the limit.
God damn it!
What did I do?
You're doing it
all wrong.
I'm doing it
like always.
You never said
that before.
- Said what?
- "Sky's the limit."
Sure, I...
Never.
What do I say?
You forgot, didn't you?
A hundred.
I say a hundred.
Okay.
It just came out.
I just want it right,
that's all.
I don't think
we're going to have
any trouble tonight.
- You don't?
- No, I don't.
Are you sure?
You wanna bet?
How much?
A hundred?
You sound pretty sure.
You're a kind of man...
why shouldn't I be sure?
What kind of man am I?
A real man.
A kind man.
I'm not kind.
I don't mean weak kind,
the way so many men are.
I mean the kindness
that comes
from an enormous strength,
from an inner power
so strong that every act,
no matter what,
is more proof
of that power.
That's what
all women resent.
That's why they try
to cut you down.
Because your knowledge
of yourself and them
is so right, so true
that it exposes
the lies which they,
every scheming
one of them, live by.
It takes a true
woman to understand
that the purest
form of love
is to love a man who
denies himself to her.
A man who inspires worship,
because he has
no need for any woman,
because he has himself.
And who is better,
more beautiful,
more powerful,
more perfect.
You're getting hard.
More strong, more masculine,
more extraordinary,
more robust...
It's rising.
It's rising.
More virile,
domineering.
More irresistible...
It's up...
in the air.
( Indian music playing )
( organ playing )